WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:03.879 To The Becoming You Show, where limits get torched and 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:11.720 possibility takes the mic. I'm lea rowing human in permanent beta, neurostrategist, 3 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:16.440 mom to three amazing humans, married to one legendary soul, 4 00:00:16.600 --> 00:00:21.879 and your no Fluff permission slate to stop waiting. Every week, 5 00:00:22.280 --> 00:00:26.879 we rewire brain patterns, smash hand me down mindsets, and 6 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:32.600 dive into the daring identity shifting conversations most people gosh 7 00:00:32.920 --> 00:00:36.960 ready to turn potential into proof. Grab your pen. Your 8 00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:45.679 next chapter starts now. Hello, my beautiful friend, how are 9 00:00:45.719 --> 00:00:48.880 you Welcome to the Becoming You Show. I am your host, 10 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:51.960 Leah Rolling, and thank you, Thank you for being here, 11 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:56.240 Thank you for choosing yourself again this week. Last week 12 00:00:56.600 --> 00:00:59.119 we started what I'm going to call a four part 13 00:01:00.119 --> 00:01:05.280 June series called The Truth about Relationships and what I 14 00:01:05.319 --> 00:01:08.719 have heard from you over the last. 15 00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:11.560 Seven days, maybe not so many days, maybe through the 16 00:01:11.560 --> 00:01:15.519 weekend and now I'm pre recording, so doing some math here, 17 00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:21.480 the messages, the screenshots I needed, This text truly. 18 00:01:21.719 --> 00:01:26.040 Has been everything. So thank you for choosing the wet work. 19 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:34.879 Thank you for choosing to participate right and that truly 20 00:01:34.959 --> 00:01:38.439 is the leadership that changes everything. So thank you. As always, 21 00:01:38.480 --> 00:01:41.959 I'm picturing you right now. Maybe you're at your desk, 22 00:01:42.040 --> 00:01:43.799 maybe you're in your car, maybe you're on a walk, 23 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:46.239 maybe you're in your kitchen, maybe you're on your treadmill. 24 00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:49.319 But wherever you are, I am with you. So I 25 00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:54.000 want to start by asking a question today, And this 26 00:01:54.040 --> 00:01:56.560 is the question. I want you to less of a 27 00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:58.879 question maybe, and more of a reflection, but I want 28 00:01:58.920 --> 00:02:02.920 you to think about someone in your life who might 29 00:02:03.000 --> 00:02:09.280 have just disappointed you recently. Okay, not in a giant 30 00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:14.680 like way, not in this huge betrayal of trust. Wait, 31 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:17.080 just you know, I don't know. They didn't show up 32 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:19.520 the way that you wanted them to. They didn't remember 33 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:23.120 the thing, they didn't say the thing they didn't do, 34 00:02:23.240 --> 00:02:26.919 the thing they did not see what should have been 35 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:32.400 obvious to them. Okay, got that in mind. Okay, Now 36 00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:38.319 I want to ask, does this person, verifiably so, does 37 00:02:38.360 --> 00:02:42.680 this person know what you expected from them? Like? Really no, 38 00:02:43.280 --> 00:02:46.520 Not the vague version like well duh, he should know, 39 00:02:46.759 --> 00:02:49.919 or like all humans should know, like I know, like 40 00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:52.879 you should know, But the very specific version, meaning did 41 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:56.120 you tell him or her out loud? This is what 42 00:02:56.159 --> 00:03:01.520 I'm hoping for. This is what I'm requesting this is 43 00:03:01.639 --> 00:03:02.639 what I expected? 44 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:03.400 Right? 45 00:03:03.479 --> 00:03:06.599 Did you ask out loud? Would you be willing to 46 00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:08.560 do this for me? Would you be willing to say this? 47 00:03:08.599 --> 00:03:12.439 Would you be willing to text me back when I 48 00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:16.199 text you? Would you like? Do they know right? Or 49 00:03:16.240 --> 00:03:18.479 did you expect them to know? And it's huge to 50 00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:22.960 know the difference? Okay? Did you expect them to be 51 00:03:23.199 --> 00:03:28.759 thoughtful enough, pay attention enough, considering enough, good enough, whatever 52 00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:32.840 you want to fill in the enough blank to know? 53 00:03:34.280 --> 00:03:36.120 And then this is the deeper question that I want 54 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:39.960 you to sit with, okay, because it's interesting what will 55 00:03:39.960 --> 00:03:43.199 come up if you let it. You could just hear 56 00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:46.280 me talk, it's no problem, or you could do the 57 00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:48.960 work with me in here, okay, Which means I want 58 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:51.680 you to have this person in mind that disappointed you 59 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:55.599 because of an expectation that maybe you were very articulate 60 00:03:55.639 --> 00:03:58.479 with and you have proof confirmation that they know and 61 00:03:58.520 --> 00:04:02.879 they agreed to the knowing or maybe not, but and 62 00:04:02.919 --> 00:04:05.479 we'll get to all of that, so hang tough. But 63 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:11.800 I want you to see and reflect on where did 64 00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:16.360 you learn that this was an expectation? I mean, where 65 00:04:16.360 --> 00:04:21.480 did you learn that what a good person did that 66 00:04:21.560 --> 00:04:26.360 honored your request and expectation, like what did you learn 67 00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:33.360 what a good partner, kid, friend, spouse, boss, employee, what 68 00:04:33.399 --> 00:04:35.439 have you? Is supposed to do in the first place? 69 00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:40.839 Like who taught you the rule right that you are 70 00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:45.759 now using to grade them on their performance? Did you 71 00:04:45.800 --> 00:04:48.920 consciously sign up for that role? Did you put it 72 00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:51.720 in your rule book for your humans? Did you inherit 73 00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:53.800 it right from the home that you grew up in, 74 00:04:54.360 --> 00:04:56.439 maybe the faith that you were raised in, maybe your 75 00:04:56.439 --> 00:04:58.959 earlier relationships. It kind of taught you what to do 76 00:04:59.040 --> 00:05:01.600 and what not to do. The culture, the era that 77 00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:07.560 we live in now, politically and without and here's the 78 00:05:07.879 --> 00:05:13.160 caveat to this, This whole inquiry is without ever stopping 79 00:05:13.199 --> 00:05:19.360 to ask if it was true for you. Okay, And 80 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:21.759 so today we're going to talk about something that I 81 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:25.519 think is one of the biggest sources of relational suffering 82 00:05:25.519 --> 00:05:29.519 that I've seen in my work, and it's the silent rules, 83 00:05:29.959 --> 00:05:35.839 These these silent expectations, these this this should book that 84 00:05:35.879 --> 00:05:39.480 we hold people to. Okay, the rules that most of 85 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:41.759 us have never written, most of us have never thought 86 00:05:41.800 --> 00:05:45.000 consciously about. Where does where did this should come from? 87 00:05:45.439 --> 00:05:48.560 Where did that rule come from? Where did that expectation 88 00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:52.680 come from right, and yet we hold everybody hostage in 89 00:05:52.920 --> 00:05:58.560 the consideration and the following and the upholding of a 90 00:05:58.639 --> 00:06:04.759 rule that, in many cases isn't verifiably true. 91 00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:05.120 Right. 92 00:06:05.160 --> 00:06:08.279 And I'm going to bring to you a story from 93 00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:11.560 my own life, which is a recent story, a moment 94 00:06:11.600 --> 00:06:15.240 that I've had with my son and taught me again. Right. 95 00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:23.959 The difference between understanding this rule book, holding people responsible 96 00:06:24.279 --> 00:06:29.600 for my rules, holding them in expectation, holding them liable 97 00:06:29.959 --> 00:06:34.959 for my emotion versus just a request. Right, the difference 98 00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:41.240 between burying someone in my disappointment, burying someone in my 99 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:48.160 irritation and frustration, and inviting them into a different possibility 100 00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:53.720 outside of my book, or talk about that. So, I 101 00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:56.920 want to name what we're actually going to be talking about. 102 00:06:57.199 --> 00:07:03.399 In coaching language, we call the manual. Okay, In plain language, 103 00:07:03.639 --> 00:07:06.800 I like to call it either the silent rule book 104 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:09.040 or the should book. I like the shid book, right, 105 00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:13.240 because most of our expectations come in the form of should, well, 106 00:07:13.279 --> 00:07:15.319 they should have known, they should have done this, They 107 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:18.519 should I'm guessing go back to the person that we 108 00:07:18.519 --> 00:07:20.480 started with at the very beginning of the conversation, the 109 00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:23.360 person that you're disappointed in Okay, I'm guessing there's a 110 00:07:23.399 --> 00:07:26.240 should in there. They should know better. They should have 111 00:07:26.240 --> 00:07:28.519 done this, They should have done they should have fill 112 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:32.079 into blank. They should have And we have the ship Book, 113 00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:35.519 and it's a set of unwritten expectations that we carry 114 00:07:35.879 --> 00:07:40.319 for another human about how they should behave, what they 115 00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:45.920 should say, what they should remember, how they should show up, 116 00:07:46.160 --> 00:07:50.399 what they should know right without being told. We have 117 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:52.680 rules for everyone. You guys, want you to think about it. 118 00:07:53.600 --> 00:07:56.759 We have rules for our partner. Right. They should come 119 00:07:56.800 --> 00:07:59.720 home on time. They should bring up the hard thing. 120 00:08:00.120 --> 00:08:02.480 They should know that I need flowers on this day. 121 00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:06.199 They should not need to be reminded. They should They 122 00:08:06.199 --> 00:08:09.720 should drink less. They should work more, They should work less. Right. 123 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:12.279 They should know that the garbage goes out on Thursday. 124 00:08:12.920 --> 00:08:14.600 They should know that if there are boxes on the 125 00:08:14.600 --> 00:08:18.319 front porch that they should be brought in. Right. They 126 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:21.680 should know that I had a hard day, and they 127 00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:23.600 should meet me with a level of grace. We have 128 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:27.759 We have all these rules for the humans in our life. 129 00:08:27.800 --> 00:08:29.000 We've got rules for our kids. 130 00:08:29.720 --> 00:08:29.879 Right. 131 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:32.159 They should call, They should be grateful. They should be 132 00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:35.080 more appreciative than they are. They should remember our birthdays. Right, 133 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:37.679 they should know what matters to me. They should they 134 00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:39.720 should text me back when the text them. They should 135 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:42.320 answer their call when I call them. They should just 136 00:08:42.320 --> 00:08:45.399 be better. They should be more respectful. Okay, we have 137 00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:49.720 rules for our parents. We have rules for friends. Right. 138 00:08:49.759 --> 00:08:52.080 They should notice when I've been quiet. They should notice 139 00:08:52.320 --> 00:08:59.600 when I've when I've avoided certain requests for you know, 140 00:08:59.639 --> 00:09:04.840 getting together. Right, they should reach out. They should remember 141 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:07.919 we have rules for strangers, for how people should drive, 142 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:12.120 and how people should meet us and greet us in stores. 143 00:09:13.080 --> 00:09:13.279 Right. 144 00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:17.399 I want you to consider that we have so many 145 00:09:17.960 --> 00:09:23.559 We have so many rules, and most of them were 146 00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:29.320 not even ours. Right. Again, we inherited so many of 147 00:09:29.360 --> 00:09:33.840 these rules. And I want to take you just somewhere different, 148 00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:40.159 because deeper, because the rules themselves are just the surface. Okay, 149 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:43.399 The deeper question, right where I asked you to go 150 00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:48.519 to is where did these rules come from? Because here, 151 00:09:49.320 --> 00:09:53.799 because what I have learned in my work with my 152 00:09:53.919 --> 00:09:56.320 clients and what they learn and what every one of 153 00:09:56.440 --> 00:10:00.559 us has to sit with from time to time is 154 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:07.320 the rules that we are holding people to the expectations 155 00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:12.799 running our life are inherited. Right, They're inherited and the 156 00:10:12.840 --> 00:10:15.720 reason why, and and then I'll expand on this. But 157 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:17.919 the reason why this is important so stay with me, 158 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:22.600 is because these rules are the very things that rob 159 00:10:22.639 --> 00:10:25.320 you of the freedom, rob you of the piece, rob 160 00:10:25.399 --> 00:10:29.879 you of fully connecting with the people in your life 161 00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:31.919 that you most want to love, that you most want 162 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:35.720 to connect with. It's really hard to connect with somebody 163 00:10:36.039 --> 00:10:43.480 authentically and without condition when we are conditionally appreciating them, 164 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:46.000 loving them, liking them, whatever capacity you want to have 165 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:48.960 a relationship with them based on rules that we didn't 166 00:10:48.960 --> 00:10:52.000 even write. Okay, that's where I'm going with this. Okay, 167 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:55.480 So we inherited rules from our parents, from our grandparents, 168 00:10:55.480 --> 00:10:57.240 like I mentioned, from the household we grew up in, 169 00:10:57.279 --> 00:11:00.639 from religion. Okay, we absorbed thousands of rules about how 170 00:11:00.679 --> 00:11:05.360 relationships are supposed to work, how they should look look like, 171 00:11:05.639 --> 00:11:09.480 what love looks like, what respect looks like, what loyalty 172 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:12.120 looks like, what a good partner does, what a good 173 00:11:12.200 --> 00:11:15.840 kid does, what a good parent does, what is and 174 00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:18.840 not allowed right, long before you have the capacity to 175 00:11:18.879 --> 00:11:21.799 really evaluate any of them. And then you took those 176 00:11:21.879 --> 00:11:25.039 rules right, which again you never consciously chose, and you've 177 00:11:25.080 --> 00:11:28.440 been running them on the people in your life ever since. Okay, 178 00:11:30.919 --> 00:11:34.679 And I really want us to understand why this is important, 179 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:43.360 because whenever we try to narrate and define good based 180 00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:48.240 on our shoulds, people will always fall short. They will 181 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:53.200 always fall short because people didn't wake up to your 182 00:11:53.240 --> 00:11:56.879 should book. They didn't wake up thinking, Wow, I wonder 183 00:11:56.879 --> 00:11:59.320 how Leo wants me to be today. I wonder if 184 00:11:59.399 --> 00:12:01.200 Leo would prefer me do this or prefer me to 185 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:05.200 do that. Even if I gave them the book to 186 00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:11.679 look at and review, they most likely might be able 187 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:13.039 to do that for a day or two. But if 188 00:12:13.039 --> 00:12:16.080 it's not inherent in them based on their own experiences, 189 00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:19.639 based on what they believe is true about who they 190 00:12:19.639 --> 00:12:23.399 should be and who I should be for them, there's 191 00:12:23.440 --> 00:12:28.879 a massive, a massive level of incohesion. I'll just call 192 00:12:28.919 --> 00:12:31.919 it that. So but the part of all of this 193 00:12:32.039 --> 00:12:34.200 that I want you to sit with before you push 194 00:12:34.279 --> 00:12:39.759 back is these rules are not facts. They are not universal. 195 00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:42.879 They're just not. Even though I'm sure you have lots 196 00:12:42.919 --> 00:12:46.679 of proof around why your shoulds should be the way 197 00:12:46.720 --> 00:12:52.559 that they are, they're not facts. They're not universal. I'm 198 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:56.840 guessing in a court of law they could not be 199 00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:02.639 proven okay, And they are not the way that relationships work. 200 00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:04.159 Okay. 201 00:13:04.600 --> 00:13:08.639 They are beliefs. Yes, they are inherited stories. Yes they 202 00:13:08.679 --> 00:13:12.159 are someone else's voice. Yes, they started running inside your 203 00:13:12.200 --> 00:13:15.399 head so early that you consistently mistook them as your 204 00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:22.279 own and misrepresented them for truth. Fact doesn't mean they 205 00:13:22.360 --> 00:13:28.320 are okay. So when you examine your rules, whose rules 206 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:32.919 are they? Is what they say even true? And most 207 00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:34.440 of them, when you hold them up to the light, 208 00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:38.960 like I said, not universal, not facts cannot be proven 209 00:13:39.279 --> 00:13:42.279 in a court of law. Right, And when you can 210 00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:45.840 name a rule that's not yours, it's not factual. You 211 00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:48.159 have a belief, You have a thought that is optional, 212 00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:53.200 and you get to choose. You can keep it consciously 213 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:56.799 should you want to, because it actually serves you and 214 00:13:56.840 --> 00:13:59.360 the people that you love, and it honors how you 215 00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:04.799 want to meet right that relationship. Or you can really 216 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:07.759 release it entirely, or you can rewrite it. You get 217 00:14:07.799 --> 00:14:13.639 to decide what's actually true for you. Right. But I 218 00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:15.799 want you to consider, as I mentioned at the beginning, 219 00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:18.720 the rules that you never wrote are running your relationships 220 00:14:18.759 --> 00:14:23.360 right now. They're running them, and they're either running them 221 00:14:23.440 --> 00:14:27.759 in a way that brings massive clarity and connection, or 222 00:14:27.799 --> 00:14:31.840 they're ruining them. And so before I get into the 223 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:34.000 personal story that I wanted to bring forward, I wanted 224 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:36.559 to give you some language because I think it's important. 225 00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:39.480 We conflate a lot of these words in our heads 226 00:14:39.720 --> 00:14:44.799 and it costs us. Okay, So a want what we 227 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:50.320 want someone to do. It would be it's a preference. Okay, 228 00:14:50.720 --> 00:14:57.639 I would love flowers on my birthday. Okay, it's clean, 229 00:14:57.799 --> 00:15:01.759 it's honest, it's articulated, there's no strings attached, there's no 230 00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:05.320 emotional contract behind it. 231 00:15:05.399 --> 00:15:05.720 So what. 232 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:10.360 Then we have a want match? A want match is 233 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:15.720 what makes a relationship beautiful. Okay, you want flowers, they 234 00:15:15.720 --> 00:15:19.000 want to give flowers. A match. You want quality time, 235 00:15:19.120 --> 00:15:22.159 they want quality time a match. But where we don't 236 00:15:22.200 --> 00:15:25.039 have a match is when you want something and they 237 00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:30.720 don't want to give you that something. Right, this wife 238 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:37.000 wants a really expensive purse, like a designer brand purse, 239 00:15:37.440 --> 00:15:40.559 and she wants it from her husband for her birthday, 240 00:15:41.159 --> 00:15:43.399 and husband does not want to give her a quote 241 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:46.080 unquote designer brand purse for her birthday. We do not 242 00:15:46.120 --> 00:15:48.759 have a want match there, okay. And the wife is 243 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:51.559 going to use it against the husband as proof that 244 00:15:51.559 --> 00:15:54.600 the husband really doesn't love her, because if husband loved her, 245 00:15:54.879 --> 00:15:59.480 he would for sure buy her a purse. But if 246 00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:02.120 he buys for the purse, that's not love, that's manipulation. 247 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:07.320 And we manipulate our relationships all the time with our 248 00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:09.639 should books. I want you to see that. I want 249 00:16:09.679 --> 00:16:12.240 you to see clearly because you don't have a relationship 250 00:16:12.919 --> 00:16:16.879 if that is the case, Okay, find want matches with 251 00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:19.240 your mate. You don't have to have a lot of them. 252 00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:21.639 You have to have some of them that you both 253 00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:22.159 agree on. 254 00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:22.919 Okay. 255 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:28.320 Then we have requests. Okay. A request is making the 256 00:16:28.360 --> 00:16:34.159 want known. Okay, right. So a request is I would 257 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:38.039 like fluck was on my birthday. A request is would 258 00:16:38.039 --> 00:16:39.759 you be willing to call your grandmother this week? A 259 00:16:39.799 --> 00:16:42.080 request would you be open to go on a date 260 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:46.080 night with me on Friday. These requests are held very lightly. Again, 261 00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:51.159 no contract, no ue, necessary expectation, pain. Right, you're making 262 00:16:51.159 --> 00:16:54.080 the ask, they get to answer, They get to decide 263 00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:56.519 in the request, You get to decide if there's a 264 00:16:56.559 --> 00:17:05.079 want match there. Okay. None of them require you to 265 00:17:05.160 --> 00:17:10.839 be overly disappointed, over overly anxious, overly frustrated that they're 266 00:17:10.880 --> 00:17:13.680 not meeting you with what it is that you want. 267 00:17:14.440 --> 00:17:17.680 They were never supposed to. We have this false illusion 268 00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:20.960 that people should just follow our book of shoulds. They 269 00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:23.000 should just do what we say we want because we want, 270 00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:25.720 because we want them to. Who, like, in what world 271 00:17:25.799 --> 00:17:29.200 do we live in? That that is true. There are 272 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:32.559 expectations that I do believe that we can have because 273 00:17:32.799 --> 00:17:37.720 we we we bring them on as a employee in 274 00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:41.440 our job. Like we have a level of expectation for 275 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:44.319 a level of pay. Okay, we can have expectations of 276 00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:45.960 our children that live in our house. We can have 277 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:49.599 expectations of ourselves other than that. It's a request, my friends. 278 00:17:49.960 --> 00:17:53.079 It is a request that we ask to see if 279 00:17:53.160 --> 00:17:55.279 we can explore what a WAT match could look like. 280 00:17:56.759 --> 00:18:02.160 And then we have rules. A rule is none of those. 281 00:18:02.279 --> 00:18:06.759 A rule is a silent expectation that you signed for 282 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:10.039 someone else and are now using to give them a 283 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:13.200 grade on it. Hmm, there be there are sea Oh 284 00:18:13.240 --> 00:18:18.039 they failed they failed my book completely, okay. And a 285 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:22.640 threat is a rule with a consequence. If you don't, 286 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:26.880 then I will. It's not a boundary, right, We're getting 287 00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:30.279 to boundaries in like episode four. A threat is a 288 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.599 way of forcing compliance with a rule that you may 289 00:18:33.640 --> 00:18:36.559 not even know that you are running, So we have 290 00:18:36.680 --> 00:18:39.720 to pay attention to which we are running. Are we 291 00:18:39.799 --> 00:18:47.519 holding a want beautifully, honestly, without contract and contempt. Are 292 00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:52.480 you noticing a want match and celebrating it. Are you 293 00:18:52.559 --> 00:18:56.119 making a clear request out loud, not silently, but out loud. 294 00:18:56.480 --> 00:18:59.200 This would be my request. Should the person on the 295 00:18:59.240 --> 00:19:03.720 other side eat that request? Not up to me? Not 296 00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:06.359 up to me, nor is it up to my emotional wellbeing? 297 00:19:07.079 --> 00:19:09.559 They're gonna do them. I get to meet them with 298 00:19:09.640 --> 00:19:14.960 my request. All of those are clean. All of those 299 00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:22.960 don't create unnecessary suffering and pain. Rules, rules silently scoring 300 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:27.480 the other person against it, grading them and feeling let 301 00:19:27.559 --> 00:19:30.359 down when they don't comply. That creates pain and suffering. 302 00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:36.359 And again, most of the suffering of us humans happened 303 00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:41.319 because we run these rules and threats and these consequencing 304 00:19:41.400 --> 00:19:45.240 scenarios without realizing that we're doing it. And the other 305 00:19:45.279 --> 00:19:49.599 person is genuinely confused because they did not know that 306 00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:51.960 they were enrolled in the class that you were testing 307 00:19:52.039 --> 00:19:54.440 them on. They did not know that they were taking 308 00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:56.720 a test. They thought they were just in a relationship 309 00:19:56.759 --> 00:19:59.839 with you. And what's also really fascinating is they didn't 310 00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:01.839 know that they had a book for you, and in 311 00:20:01.880 --> 00:20:05.680 their should book, you wouldn't be shooting them. Okay, So 312 00:20:06.880 --> 00:20:12.519 this is where it comes to life, right, because as 313 00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:17.440 I was thinking about relationships, because we're doing relationships in 314 00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:19.480 Inner Lab and the membership. If you're not in there, 315 00:20:19.559 --> 00:20:22.559 get in the membership, go to the show notes, get 316 00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:24.720 in there. The price is ridiculous. We'd love to have 317 00:20:24.759 --> 00:20:27.720 you in there. The membership is where you actually get 318 00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:28.680 to work on your life. 319 00:20:28.839 --> 00:20:29.079 Okay. 320 00:20:29.119 --> 00:20:34.480 These podcasts great, right, They they're informative, they they're reflective 321 00:20:34.480 --> 00:20:38.200 in some nature, but the practice is in the lab, right, 322 00:20:38.279 --> 00:20:40.880 The practice is in the lab. So if you're not 323 00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:46.799 in there, I want you in there. But real world, 324 00:20:47.079 --> 00:20:51.200 like this, this kind of stuff happens. Right. My son 325 00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:56.519 recently forgot a birthday. I reminded him. Okay, I went 326 00:20:56.559 --> 00:20:59.880 to the next level. I didn't just assume that he 327 00:21:00.079 --> 00:21:03.000 would know that he quote unquote should no, no, no. 328 00:21:03.319 --> 00:21:08.359 I reminded him and he forgot. So my should isn't 329 00:21:08.640 --> 00:21:15.160 that he should have remembered. My should is that he 330 00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:19.960 shouldn't have forgot. See the difference had I not have 331 00:21:20.039 --> 00:21:21.839 told him about the birthday and he didn't do it. 332 00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:24.720 Then my should would have been that he remembers birthdays. 333 00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:28.880 But I reminded him. Now I have a should in 334 00:21:28.920 --> 00:21:32.799 my book that people shouldn't forget things right. And I 335 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:36.960 had a reaction right, not a reaction necessarily to the 336 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:42.640 forgetting right my should, but what I made the forgetting mean. 337 00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:47.599 And that's the conversation today that I want to end with. Okay, 338 00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:51.880 what we make it mean when other people don't do 339 00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:56.240 act as if we should, because that is that gets 340 00:21:56.319 --> 00:21:58.240 the heart of why it is that we have a 341 00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:01.480 book to begin with, Okay, I made it mean they 342 00:22:01.480 --> 00:22:04.200 didn't care. I made it mean that he doesn't love 343 00:22:04.279 --> 00:22:06.200 me and he doesn't respect the family, and that he's 344 00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:09.519 not thoughtful, and that he's not being prepared for adulthood, 345 00:22:09.880 --> 00:22:12.880 and that something really important was slipping, and that me, 346 00:22:12.920 --> 00:22:15.240 as his mother, should should be a better mom and 347 00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:20.599 should have communicated the importance right. My rule said, if 348 00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:25.000 you love me, you would have remembered, you wouldn't have forgotten. 349 00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:29.359 If I am a good mom. Good moms have kids 350 00:22:29.400 --> 00:22:34.599 that remember these things. Good moms have kids that don't forget. Okay, 351 00:22:35.240 --> 00:22:40.839 And when he didn't, I emotionally buried him in my disappointment. 352 00:22:41.880 --> 00:22:49.240 I made the disappointment be the topic of conversation, okay, 353 00:22:50.440 --> 00:22:54.680 as opposed to as opposed to an opportunity to grow 354 00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:59.640 the relationship. I guilted him. Do you see he apologized, 355 00:23:00.279 --> 00:23:04.880 he corrected it, and here's what I had to sit with. Okay, 356 00:23:05.079 --> 00:23:06.599 No apology that he was going to make was going 357 00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:09.000 to make me feel better about my disappointment because he 358 00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:14.759 wasn't responsible for it. Okay. My goal was never supposed 359 00:23:14.839 --> 00:23:18.720 to be bury him in my disappointment. So he feels 360 00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:25.559 bad like I do. The goal there was growth. I 361 00:23:25.640 --> 00:23:28.640 wanted to wake him up relationally. Those are not the 362 00:23:28.680 --> 00:23:33.400 same things. So I came back to him with this, 363 00:23:33.799 --> 00:23:37.200 and I'm going to read you or a paraphrase, a 364 00:23:37.319 --> 00:23:41.200 paraphrase the message that I wrote, because I do think 365 00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:47.279 that words matter. So basically, I said that I'm sorry 366 00:23:48.079 --> 00:23:52.240 that as I was thinking more about our conversation, that 367 00:23:52.640 --> 00:23:59.839 I wanted to apologize for emotionally burying you in my disappointment. Right, 368 00:24:00.240 --> 00:24:04.599 I should have taken this moment to wake you up relationally, 369 00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:11.720 not bury you. And I also don't think that this 370 00:24:11.839 --> 00:24:18.480 is just about forgetting a birthday, Okay. I believe that 371 00:24:19.079 --> 00:24:22.799 he as a senior graduating. He's in a season right 372 00:24:22.839 --> 00:24:25.920 now where life is mostly about freedom and golf and 373 00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:30.279 fun and friends and loosely preparing for college. And while 374 00:24:30.279 --> 00:24:34.599 there's nothing wrong with enjoying the season of life, right, 375 00:24:35.720 --> 00:24:42.200 some really important muscles can weaken without some structure, without 376 00:24:42.200 --> 00:24:49.680 some responsibility, without some intentionality. Right, I missed the moment 377 00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:53.599 of offering up to him that thoughtfulness is a skill 378 00:24:55.079 --> 00:25:01.000 and relationships require both effort and remembering, right, and adulthood 379 00:25:01.079 --> 00:25:04.880 requires people to think beyond themselves, and this moment highlighted 380 00:25:04.920 --> 00:25:10.440 that for me. And I went on to probably say 381 00:25:10.480 --> 00:25:15.519 that I believe in him and that I wanted to 382 00:25:15.559 --> 00:25:20.680 have growth conversations, not guilt based conversations, and I wanted 383 00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:31.160 to bring forward to him the responsibility around freedom and 384 00:25:31.240 --> 00:25:35.799 how without it we can drift outside of our own character. 385 00:25:37.160 --> 00:25:39.200 And I'm sure I ended it with and I love 386 00:25:39.240 --> 00:25:42.640 you too much right to not be there to challenge 387 00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:45.440 you and to call you up instead of out, which 388 00:25:45.480 --> 00:25:49.519 is what I did, call him up into the character 389 00:25:49.720 --> 00:25:53.759 that he's capable of. Okay, And here's what I learned, 390 00:25:53.839 --> 00:25:58.039 or maybe I should say relearned about this whole lesson right. 391 00:25:58.359 --> 00:26:02.119 The forgetting was not actually the problem. The problem was 392 00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:05.279 a season that he's in where consumption is high, in 393 00:26:05.319 --> 00:26:09.519 contribution is low, okay, where these muscles of thoughtfulness and 394 00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:14.200 structure and responsibility right can we can? If nobody names it? 395 00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:19.079 And my first move burying him in my emotional disappointment 396 00:26:19.880 --> 00:26:23.160 was running a rule. Right, If you love me, you 397 00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:27.119 would have remembered it. Treated a missed birthday like a 398 00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:32.279 verdict on his character. Again, not even my rule. The 399 00:26:32.400 --> 00:26:35.640 rule was something that I had absorbed somewhere along the 400 00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:38.640 way about what love was supposed to look like, how 401 00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:43.519