Speaker 1: To The Becoming You Show, where limits get torched and
Speaker 1: possibility takes the mic. I'm lea rowing human in permanent beta, neurostrategist,
Speaker 1: mom to three amazing humans, married to one legendary soul,
Speaker 1: and your no Fluff permission slate to stop waiting. Every week,
Speaker 1: we rewire brain patterns, smash hand me down mindsets, and
Speaker 1: dive into the daring identity shifting conversations most people gosh
Speaker 1: ready to turn potential into proof. Grab your pen. Your
Speaker 1: next chapter starts now. Hello, my beautiful friend, how are
Speaker 1: you Welcome to the Becoming You Show. I am your host,
Speaker 1: Leah Rolling, and thank you, Thank you for being here,
Speaker 1: Thank you for choosing yourself again this week. Last week
Speaker 1: we started what I'm going to call a four part
Speaker 1: June series called The Truth about Relationships and what I
Speaker 1: have heard from you over the last.
Speaker 2: Seven days, maybe not so many days, maybe through the
Speaker 2: weekend and now I'm pre recording, so doing some math here,
Speaker 2: the messages, the screenshots I needed, This text truly.
Speaker 1: Has been everything. So thank you for choosing the wet work.
Speaker 1: Thank you for choosing to participate right and that truly
Speaker 1: is the leadership that changes everything. So thank you. As always,
Speaker 1: I'm picturing you right now. Maybe you're at your desk,
Speaker 1: maybe you're in your car, maybe you're on a walk,
Speaker 1: maybe you're in your kitchen, maybe you're on your treadmill.
Speaker 1: But wherever you are, I am with you. So I
Speaker 1: want to start by asking a question today, And this
Speaker 1: is the question. I want you to less of a
Speaker 1: question maybe, and more of a reflection, but I want
Speaker 1: you to think about someone in your life who might
Speaker 1: have just disappointed you recently. Okay, not in a giant
Speaker 1: like way, not in this huge betrayal of trust. Wait,
Speaker 1: just you know, I don't know. They didn't show up
Speaker 1: the way that you wanted them to. They didn't remember
Speaker 1: the thing, they didn't say the thing they didn't do,
Speaker 1: the thing they did not see what should have been
Speaker 1: obvious to them. Okay, got that in mind. Okay, Now
Speaker 1: I want to ask, does this person, verifiably so, does
Speaker 1: this person know what you expected from them? Like? Really no,
Speaker 1: Not the vague version like well duh, he should know,
Speaker 1: or like all humans should know, like I know, like
Speaker 1: you should know, But the very specific version, meaning did
Speaker 1: you tell him or her out loud? This is what
Speaker 1: I'm hoping for. This is what I'm requesting this is
Speaker 1: what I expected?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: Did you ask out loud? Would you be willing to
Speaker 1: do this for me? Would you be willing to say this?
Speaker 1: Would you be willing to text me back when I
Speaker 1: text you? Would you like? Do they know right? Or
Speaker 1: did you expect them to know? And it's huge to
Speaker 1: know the difference? Okay? Did you expect them to be
Speaker 1: thoughtful enough, pay attention enough, considering enough, good enough, whatever
Speaker 1: you want to fill in the enough blank to know?
Speaker 1: And then this is the deeper question that I want
Speaker 1: you to sit with, okay, because it's interesting what will
Speaker 1: come up if you let it. You could just hear
Speaker 1: me talk, it's no problem, or you could do the
Speaker 1: work with me in here, okay, Which means I want
Speaker 1: you to have this person in mind that disappointed you
Speaker 1: because of an expectation that maybe you were very articulate
Speaker 1: with and you have proof confirmation that they know and
Speaker 1: they agreed to the knowing or maybe not, but and
Speaker 1: we'll get to all of that, so hang tough. But
Speaker 1: I want you to see and reflect on where did
Speaker 1: you learn that this was an expectation? I mean, where
Speaker 1: did you learn that what a good person did that
Speaker 1: honored your request and expectation, like what did you learn
Speaker 1: what a good partner, kid, friend, spouse, boss, employee, what
Speaker 1: have you? Is supposed to do in the first place?
Speaker 1: Like who taught you the rule right that you are
Speaker 1: now using to grade them on their performance? Did you
Speaker 1: consciously sign up for that role? Did you put it
Speaker 1: in your rule book for your humans? Did you inherit
Speaker 1: it right from the home that you grew up in,
Speaker 1: maybe the faith that you were raised in, maybe your
Speaker 1: earlier relationships. It kind of taught you what to do
Speaker 1: and what not to do. The culture, the era that
Speaker 1: we live in now, politically and without and here's the
Speaker 1: caveat to this, This whole inquiry is without ever stopping
Speaker 1: to ask if it was true for you. Okay, And
Speaker 1: so today we're going to talk about something that I
Speaker 1: think is one of the biggest sources of relational suffering
Speaker 1: that I've seen in my work, and it's the silent rules,
Speaker 1: These these silent expectations, these this this should book that
Speaker 1: we hold people to. Okay, the rules that most of
Speaker 1: us have never written, most of us have never thought
Speaker 1: consciously about. Where does where did this should come from?
Speaker 1: Where did that rule come from? Where did that expectation
Speaker 1: come from right, and yet we hold everybody hostage in
Speaker 1: the consideration and the following and the upholding of a
Speaker 1: rule that, in many cases isn't verifiably true.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: And I'm going to bring to you a story from
Speaker 1: my own life, which is a recent story, a moment
Speaker 1: that I've had with my son and taught me again. Right.
Speaker 1: The difference between understanding this rule book, holding people responsible
Speaker 1: for my rules, holding them in expectation, holding them liable
Speaker 1: for my emotion versus just a request. Right, the difference
Speaker 1: between burying someone in my disappointment, burying someone in my
Speaker 1: irritation and frustration, and inviting them into a different possibility
Speaker 1: outside of my book, or talk about that. So, I
Speaker 1: want to name what we're actually going to be talking about.
Speaker 1: In coaching language, we call the manual. Okay, In plain language,
Speaker 1: I like to call it either the silent rule book
Speaker 1: or the should book. I like the shid book, right,
Speaker 1: because most of our expectations come in the form of should, well,
Speaker 1: they should have known, they should have done this, They
Speaker 1: should I'm guessing go back to the person that we
Speaker 1: started with at the very beginning of the conversation, the
Speaker 1: person that you're disappointed in Okay, I'm guessing there's a
Speaker 1: should in there. They should know better. They should have
Speaker 1: done this, They should have done they should have fill
Speaker 1: into blank. They should have And we have the ship Book,
Speaker 1: and it's a set of unwritten expectations that we carry
Speaker 1: for another human about how they should behave, what they
Speaker 1: should say, what they should remember, how they should show up,
Speaker 1: what they should know right without being told. We have
Speaker 1: rules for everyone. You guys, want you to think about it.
Speaker 1: We have rules for our partner. Right. They should come
Speaker 1: home on time. They should bring up the hard thing.
Speaker 1: They should know that I need flowers on this day.
Speaker 1: They should not need to be reminded. They should They
Speaker 1: should drink less. They should work more, They should work less. Right.
Speaker 1: They should know that the garbage goes out on Thursday.
Speaker 1: They should know that if there are boxes on the
Speaker 1: front porch that they should be brought in. Right. They
Speaker 1: should know that I had a hard day, and they
Speaker 1: should meet me with a level of grace. We have
Speaker 1: We have all these rules for the humans in our life.
Speaker 1: We've got rules for our kids.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: They should call, They should be grateful. They should be
Speaker 1: more appreciative than they are. They should remember our birthdays. Right,
Speaker 1: they should know what matters to me. They should they
Speaker 1: should text me back when the text them. They should
Speaker 1: answer their call when I call them. They should just
Speaker 1: be better. They should be more respectful. Okay, we have
Speaker 1: rules for our parents. We have rules for friends. Right.
Speaker 1: They should notice when I've been quiet. They should notice
Speaker 1: when I've when I've avoided certain requests for you know,
Speaker 1: getting together. Right, they should reach out. They should remember
Speaker 1: we have rules for strangers, for how people should drive,
Speaker 1: and how people should meet us and greet us in stores.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: I want you to consider that we have so many
Speaker 1: We have so many rules, and most of them were
Speaker 1: not even ours. Right. Again, we inherited so many of
Speaker 1: these rules. And I want to take you just somewhere different,
Speaker 1: because deeper, because the rules themselves are just the surface. Okay,
Speaker 1: The deeper question, right where I asked you to go
Speaker 1: to is where did these rules come from? Because here,
Speaker 1: because what I have learned in my work with my
Speaker 1: clients and what they learn and what every one of
Speaker 1: us has to sit with from time to time is
Speaker 1: the rules that we are holding people to the expectations
Speaker 1: running our life are inherited. Right, They're inherited and the
Speaker 1: reason why, and and then I'll expand on this. But
Speaker 1: the reason why this is important so stay with me,
Speaker 1: is because these rules are the very things that rob
Speaker 1: you of the freedom, rob you of the piece, rob
Speaker 1: you of fully connecting with the people in your life
Speaker 1: that you most want to love, that you most want
Speaker 1: to connect with. It's really hard to connect with somebody
Speaker 1: authentically and without condition when we are conditionally appreciating them,
Speaker 1: loving them, liking them, whatever capacity you want to have
Speaker 1: a relationship with them based on rules that we didn't
Speaker 1: even write. Okay, that's where I'm going with this. Okay,
Speaker 1: So we inherited rules from our parents, from our grandparents,
Speaker 1: like I mentioned, from the household we grew up in,
Speaker 1: from religion. Okay, we absorbed thousands of rules about how
Speaker 1: relationships are supposed to work, how they should look look like,
Speaker 1: what love looks like, what respect looks like, what loyalty
Speaker 1: looks like, what a good partner does, what a good
Speaker 1: kid does, what a good parent does, what is and
Speaker 1: not allowed right, long before you have the capacity to
Speaker 1: really evaluate any of them. And then you took those
Speaker 1: rules right, which again you never consciously chose, and you've
Speaker 1: been running them on the people in your life ever since. Okay,
Speaker 1: And I really want us to understand why this is important,
Speaker 1: because whenever we try to narrate and define good based
Speaker 1: on our shoulds, people will always fall short. They will
Speaker 1: always fall short because people didn't wake up to your
Speaker 1: should book. They didn't wake up thinking, Wow, I wonder
Speaker 1: how Leo wants me to be today. I wonder if
Speaker 1: Leo would prefer me do this or prefer me to
Speaker 1: do that. Even if I gave them the book to
Speaker 1: look at and review, they most likely might be able
Speaker 1: to do that for a day or two. But if
Speaker 1: it's not inherent in them based on their own experiences,
Speaker 1: based on what they believe is true about who they
Speaker 1: should be and who I should be for them, there's
Speaker 1: a massive, a massive level of incohesion. I'll just call
Speaker 1: it that. So but the part of all of this
Speaker 1: that I want you to sit with before you push
Speaker 1: back is these rules are not facts. They are not universal.
Speaker 1: They're just not. Even though I'm sure you have lots
Speaker 1: of proof around why your shoulds should be the way
Speaker 1: that they are, they're not facts. They're not universal. I'm
Speaker 1: guessing in a court of law they could not be
Speaker 1: proven okay, And they are not the way that relationships work.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: They are beliefs. Yes, they are inherited stories. Yes they
Speaker 1: are someone else's voice. Yes, they started running inside your
Speaker 1: head so early that you consistently mistook them as your
Speaker 1: own and misrepresented them for truth. Fact doesn't mean they
Speaker 1: are okay. So when you examine your rules, whose rules
Speaker 1: are they? Is what they say even true? And most
Speaker 1: of them, when you hold them up to the light,
Speaker 1: like I said, not universal, not facts cannot be proven
Speaker 1: in a court of law. Right, And when you can
Speaker 1: name a rule that's not yours, it's not factual. You
Speaker 1: have a belief, You have a thought that is optional,
Speaker 1: and you get to choose. You can keep it consciously
Speaker 1: should you want to, because it actually serves you and
Speaker 1: the people that you love, and it honors how you
Speaker 1: want to meet right that relationship. Or you can really
Speaker 1: release it entirely, or you can rewrite it. You get
Speaker 1: to decide what's actually true for you. Right. But I
Speaker 1: want you to consider, as I mentioned at the beginning,
Speaker 1: the rules that you never wrote are running your relationships
Speaker 1: right now. They're running them, and they're either running them
Speaker 1: in a way that brings massive clarity and connection, or
Speaker 1: they're ruining them. And so before I get into the
Speaker 1: personal story that I wanted to bring forward, I wanted
Speaker 1: to give you some language because I think it's important.
Speaker 1: We conflate a lot of these words in our heads
Speaker 1: and it costs us. Okay, So a want what we
Speaker 1: want someone to do. It would be it's a preference. Okay,
Speaker 1: I would love flowers on my birthday. Okay, it's clean,
Speaker 1: it's honest, it's articulated, there's no strings attached, there's no
Speaker 1: emotional contract behind it.
Speaker 3: So what.
Speaker 1: Then we have a want match? A want match is
Speaker 1: what makes a relationship beautiful. Okay, you want flowers, they
Speaker 1: want to give flowers. A match. You want quality time,
Speaker 1: they want quality time a match. But where we don't
Speaker 1: have a match is when you want something and they
Speaker 1: don't want to give you that something. Right, this wife
Speaker 1: wants a really expensive purse, like a designer brand purse,
Speaker 1: and she wants it from her husband for her birthday,
Speaker 1: and husband does not want to give her a quote
Speaker 1: unquote designer brand purse for her birthday. We do not
Speaker 1: have a want match there, okay. And the wife is
Speaker 1: going to use it against the husband as proof that
Speaker 1: the husband really doesn't love her, because if husband loved her,
Speaker 1: he would for sure buy her a purse. But if
Speaker 1: he buys for the purse, that's not love, that's manipulation.
Speaker 1: And we manipulate our relationships all the time with our
Speaker 1: should books. I want you to see that. I want
Speaker 1: you to see clearly because you don't have a relationship
Speaker 1: if that is the case, Okay, find want matches with
Speaker 1: your mate. You don't have to have a lot of them.
Speaker 1: You have to have some of them that you both
Speaker 1: agree on.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Then we have requests. Okay. A request is making the
Speaker 1: want known. Okay, right. So a request is I would
Speaker 1: like fluck was on my birthday. A request is would
Speaker 1: you be willing to call your grandmother this week? A
Speaker 1: request would you be open to go on a date
Speaker 1: night with me on Friday. These requests are held very lightly. Again,
Speaker 1: no contract, no ue, necessary expectation, pain. Right, you're making
Speaker 1: the ask, they get to answer, They get to decide
Speaker 1: in the request, You get to decide if there's a
Speaker 1: want match there. Okay. None of them require you to
Speaker 1: be overly disappointed, over overly anxious, overly frustrated that they're
Speaker 1: not meeting you with what it is that you want.
Speaker 1: They were never supposed to. We have this false illusion
Speaker 1: that people should just follow our book of shoulds. They
Speaker 1: should just do what we say we want because we want,
Speaker 1: because we want them to. Who, like, in what world
Speaker 1: do we live in? That that is true. There are
Speaker 1: expectations that I do believe that we can have because
Speaker 1: we we we bring them on as a employee in
Speaker 1: our job. Like we have a level of expectation for
Speaker 1: a level of pay. Okay, we can have expectations of
Speaker 1: our children that live in our house. We can have
Speaker 1: expectations of ourselves other than that. It's a request, my friends.
Speaker 1: It is a request that we ask to see if
Speaker 1: we can explore what a WAT match could look like.
Speaker 1: And then we have rules. A rule is none of those.
Speaker 1: A rule is a silent expectation that you signed for
Speaker 1: someone else and are now using to give them a
Speaker 1: grade on it. Hmm, there be there are sea Oh
Speaker 1: they failed they failed my book completely, okay. And a
Speaker 1: threat is a rule with a consequence. If you don't,
Speaker 1: then I will. It's not a boundary, right, We're getting
Speaker 1: to boundaries in like episode four. A threat is a
Speaker 1: way of forcing compliance with a rule that you may
Speaker 1: not even know that you are running, So we have
Speaker 1: to pay attention to which we are running. Are we
Speaker 1: holding a want beautifully, honestly, without contract and contempt. Are
Speaker 1: you noticing a want match and celebrating it. Are you
Speaker 1: making a clear request out loud, not silently, but out loud.
Speaker 1: This would be my request. Should the person on the
Speaker 1: other side eat that request? Not up to me? Not
Speaker 1: up to me, nor is it up to my emotional wellbeing?
Speaker 1: They're gonna do them. I get to meet them with
Speaker 1: my request. All of those are clean. All of those
Speaker 1: don't create unnecessary suffering and pain. Rules, rules silently scoring
Speaker 1: the other person against it, grading them and feeling let
Speaker 1: down when they don't comply. That creates pain and suffering.
Speaker 1: And again, most of the suffering of us humans happened
Speaker 1: because we run these rules and threats and these consequencing
Speaker 1: scenarios without realizing that we're doing it. And the other
Speaker 1: person is genuinely confused because they did not know that
Speaker 1: they were enrolled in the class that you were testing
Speaker 1: them on. They did not know that they were taking
Speaker 1: a test. They thought they were just in a relationship
Speaker 1: with you. And what's also really fascinating is they didn't
Speaker 1: know that they had a book for you, and in
Speaker 1: their should book, you wouldn't be shooting them. Okay, So
Speaker 1: this is where it comes to life, right, because as
Speaker 1: I was thinking about relationships, because we're doing relationships in
Speaker 1: Inner Lab and the membership. If you're not in there,
Speaker 1: get in the membership, go to the show notes, get
Speaker 1: in there. The price is ridiculous. We'd love to have
Speaker 1: you in there. The membership is where you actually get
Speaker 1: to work on your life.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: These podcasts great, right, They they're informative, they they're reflective
Speaker 1: in some nature, but the practice is in the lab, right,
Speaker 1: The practice is in the lab. So if you're not
Speaker 1: in there, I want you in there. But real world,
Speaker 1: like this, this kind of stuff happens. Right. My son
Speaker 1: recently forgot a birthday. I reminded him. Okay, I went
Speaker 1: to the next level. I didn't just assume that he
Speaker 1: would know that he quote unquote should no, no, no.
Speaker 1: I reminded him and he forgot. So my should isn't
Speaker 1: that he should have remembered. My should is that he
Speaker 1: shouldn't have forgot. See the difference had I not have
Speaker 1: told him about the birthday and he didn't do it.
Speaker 1: Then my should would have been that he remembers birthdays.
Speaker 1: But I reminded him. Now I have a should in
Speaker 1: my book that people shouldn't forget things right. And I
Speaker 1: had a reaction right, not a reaction necessarily to the
Speaker 1: forgetting right my should, but what I made the forgetting mean.
Speaker 1: And that's the conversation today that I want to end with. Okay,
Speaker 1: what we make it mean when other people don't do
Speaker 1: act as if we should, because that is that gets
Speaker 1: the heart of why it is that we have a
Speaker 1: book to begin with, Okay, I made it mean they
Speaker 1: didn't care. I made it mean that he doesn't love
Speaker 1: me and he doesn't respect the family, and that he's
Speaker 1: not thoughtful, and that he's not being prepared for adulthood,
Speaker 1: and that something really important was slipping, and that me,
Speaker 1: as his mother, should should be a better mom and
Speaker 1: should have communicated the importance right. My rule said, if
Speaker 1: you love me, you would have remembered, you wouldn't have forgotten.
Speaker 1: If I am a good mom. Good moms have kids
Speaker 1: that remember these things. Good moms have kids that don't forget. Okay,
Speaker 1: And when he didn't, I emotionally buried him in my disappointment.
Speaker 1: I made the disappointment be the topic of conversation, okay,
Speaker 1: as opposed to as opposed to an opportunity to grow
Speaker 1: the relationship. I guilted him. Do you see he apologized,
Speaker 1: he corrected it, and here's what I had to sit with. Okay,
Speaker 1: No apology that he was going to make was going
Speaker 1: to make me feel better about my disappointment because he
Speaker 1: wasn't responsible for it. Okay. My goal was never supposed
Speaker 1: to be bury him in my disappointment. So he feels
Speaker 1: bad like I do. The goal there was growth. I
Speaker 1: wanted to wake him up relationally. Those are not the
Speaker 1: same things. So I came back to him with this,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to read you or a paraphrase, a
Speaker 1: paraphrase the message that I wrote, because I do think
Speaker 1: that words matter. So basically, I said that I'm sorry
Speaker 1: that as I was thinking more about our conversation, that
Speaker 1: I wanted to apologize for emotionally burying you in my disappointment. Right,
Speaker 1: I should have taken this moment to wake you up relationally,
Speaker 1: not bury you. And I also don't think that this
Speaker 1: is just about forgetting a birthday, Okay. I believe that
Speaker 1: he as a senior graduating. He's in a season right
Speaker 1: now where life is mostly about freedom and golf and
Speaker 1: fun and friends and loosely preparing for college. And while
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with enjoying the season of life, right,
Speaker 1: some really important muscles can weaken without some structure, without
Speaker 1: some responsibility, without some intentionality. Right, I missed the moment
Speaker 1: of offering up to him that thoughtfulness is a skill
Speaker 1: and relationships require both effort and remembering, right, and adulthood
Speaker 1: requires people to think beyond themselves, and this moment highlighted
Speaker 1: that for me. And I went on to probably say
Speaker 1: that I believe in him and that I wanted to
Speaker 1: have growth conversations, not guilt based conversations, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to bring forward to him the responsibility around freedom and
Speaker 1: how without it we can drift outside of our own character.
Speaker 1: And I'm sure I ended it with and I love
Speaker 1: you too much right to not be there to challenge
Speaker 1: you and to call you up instead of out, which
Speaker 1: is what I did, call him up into the character
Speaker 1: that he's capable of. Okay, And here's what I learned,
Speaker 1: or maybe I should say relearned about this whole lesson right.
Speaker 1: The forgetting was not actually the problem. The problem was
Speaker 1: a season that he's in where consumption is high, in
Speaker 1: contribution is low, okay, where these muscles of thoughtfulness and
Speaker 1: structure and responsibility right can we can? If nobody names it?
Speaker 1: And my first move burying him in my emotional disappointment
Speaker 1: was running a rule. Right, If you love me, you
Speaker 1: would have remembered it. Treated a missed birthday like a
Speaker 1: verdict on his character. Again, not even my rule. The
Speaker 1: rule was something that I had absorbed somewhere along the
Speaker 1: way about what love was supposed to look like, how
Speaker 1: love remembers, how love performs, how love proves itself. And
Speaker 1: I was applying that inherited rule to my son and
Speaker 1: my second move right, the message that I kind of
Speaker 1: reframed and repairaphrased was an invitation, not a rule. I
Speaker 1: hope you notice the difference, Not a threat, an invitation
Speaker 1: to grow, an offer of a level of like structure
Speaker 1: as preparation, an assumption that he is becoming someone, not
Speaker 1: failing to be someone. And that is the difference between
Speaker 1: an inherited rule and a chosen response. The rule punishes
Speaker 1: the forgetting. The rule punishes him by giving him an
Speaker 1: f the invitation prepares right. The version of me that
Speaker 1: emostly lashed out is a version that I still have
Speaker 1: access to. The work is not pretending that I do
Speaker 1: not have inherited rules. The work is noticing them, naming them,
Speaker 1: asking them where they came from, and choosing a second
Speaker 1: move instead of staying in the first. Okay, so you've
Speaker 1: inherited rules for yourself. Okay, whose rules are they? Where
Speaker 1: did you learn them? Are they true? And so the
Speaker 1: work for the rest of the week is to bring
Speaker 1: up that person that created the disappointment that we talked
Speaker 1: about earlier. Okay, And I want you to ask yourself
Speaker 1: what rules are you holding them to? What does your
Speaker 1: should book look like for them? And I want you
Speaker 1: to write them down. I want you to write the
Speaker 1: actual lines down. They should do this. And then if
Speaker 1: you're really courageous enough and brave enough, why what do
Speaker 1: you make it mean when they don't? What do you
Speaker 1: make it mean about your relationship to them? What do
Speaker 1: you make it mean about your own loveability, your own worth,
Speaker 1: your own enoughness? With LEVI, I made it mean that
Speaker 1: I wasn't a good mom, because good moms have kids
Speaker 1: that remember, I made it mean something about me and
Speaker 1: him respecting me or not. I made it mean a
Speaker 1: lot of things that it didn't have to mean, and
Speaker 1: it slowed theation down, that whole debate back and forth,
Speaker 1: me placing disappointment as his feet and him apologizing like
Speaker 1: a full full almost night, when the invitation was always there. Okay,
Speaker 1: So some of the rules you will keep consciously again
Speaker 1: because you believe in them and you and you believe
Speaker 1: that they're important. Okay, some of them you will release,
Speaker 1: some of them you will rewrite, but just know that
Speaker 1: your rules are for you. They then translate into boundaries,
Speaker 1: which we'll talk about in four, but they're for you,
Speaker 1: your rule. Your rules are for you. Your shoulds are
Speaker 1: for you, not for anyone else. Okay, don't try to
Speaker 1: should someone into your ability to love them more so,
Speaker 1: this is week two of four. Next week we go
Speaker 1: into outsourcing, right, the the the assurances in the per
Speaker 1: missions right that we've been waiting on someone else to
Speaker 1: give you that I'm going to tell you as a Spoilerlert,
Speaker 1: you're the only one that can. As I mentioned in
Speaker 1: this gise in this no apology on his end would
Speaker 1: have made my disappointment go away, because he wasn't the
Speaker 1: cause of my disappointment. The cause of my disappointment was
Speaker 1: because of my disappointing thinking, my disappointing thinking, and my
Speaker 1: should book, which is where my disappointing thoughts came from.
Speaker 1: Because when you don't adhere to the should book, I
Speaker 1: then become disappointed. Okay, so three things. Most of the
Speaker 1: rules you're holding onto you did not write. The rules
Speaker 1: are in your head. They're not facts, right, And you
Speaker 1: can love somebody fully and still ask for what you want.
Speaker 1: Just don't just don't require them to prefer to perform
Speaker 1: rules they never read to. Okay, So again, if this,
Speaker 1: if this caused you to think differently about the expectations
Speaker 1: that you're holding somebody to, and your ability to release
Speaker 1: them freed you to truly love them in a deeper,
Speaker 1: more more conscious way. Ah, I would love I would
Speaker 1: love to hear from you. I would love for you
Speaker 1: to you know, hashtag me, find me and share, share
Speaker 1: this episode. I think this this month is so important
Speaker 1: because ninety nine percent of the coaching that I do,
Speaker 1: the work that I do in this world is around relationships.
Speaker 1: And I want us all to be stronger and more
Speaker 1: empowered in the relationships that we have not just with
Speaker 1: one another, but with ourselves. So until then, until next time,
Speaker 1: my beautiful friends, have a beautiful one. Take care they bite.
Speaker 3: If this episode cracked something open good, let it and
Speaker 3: then head to lea rollincoaching dot com and grab the
Speaker 3: tools to rewire.
Speaker 1: The story and reclaim your future. It is yours. And
Speaker 1: then share this with someone who's still waiting to be chosen,
Speaker 1: still waiting for permission, and remind them they don't need
Speaker 1: a breakthrough, that they are the breakthrough. Until next time,
Speaker 1: my beautiful friends, invest in you and keep becoming