Speaker 1: This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a Great Love Debate. Hi again, Everyone's Brian Howie.
Speaker 1: Welcome to The Great Love Debate, the world's number one
Speaker 1: dating or relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back
Speaker 1: here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcast
Speaker 1: for the People. I am at the one in Cleveland, Ohio, Lynnhurst, Ohio,
Speaker 1: slightly outside of Cleveland, and I'm gonna do quickie today.
Speaker 1: It's just something I wanted to talk about because somebody
Speaker 1: brought it up and I had something to think about.
Speaker 1: So forgive the quickie. And it's just me because my
Speaker 1: guest flaked. And if if a guest flakes, you got
Speaker 1: to be prepared to talk about whatever you want to
Speaker 1: talk to talk about. And this is what I'm going
Speaker 1: to talk about. So first things, first, little order of business.
Speaker 1: I think the last episode of this show, the one
Speaker 1: I did with our long time producer, the two time
Speaker 1: Emmy Award winning Kiko, I did a quick little announcement
Speaker 1: of promo at the end for a new podcast that
Speaker 1: I launched and I am hosting, and it is about estrangement,
Speaker 1: which is a strange topic to dive into, but those
Speaker 1: of you who know me know that I have a
Speaker 1: little bit of a fascination with estrangement. And after that show,
Speaker 1: Keiko reached out and she said, I don't like the
Speaker 1: name that you announced. You should change it. And I said,
Speaker 1: what should I change it to? And she said, you
Speaker 1: need to change it to Dead to Me? And I
Speaker 1: thought that's so harsh, so I pushed back a little
Speaker 1: on it, but you know what, She's right. The subject
Speaker 1: matter is harsh, and if we're gonna get into some
Speaker 1: rough areas, I think we need a rough name. And
Speaker 1: that's the name. And so the show is called Dead
Speaker 1: to Me. It's an estrangement podcast, and it is live,
Speaker 1: so Keiko is right. She usually is, hence the the
Speaker 1: the Emmys, So it's live on all the platforms. It's
Speaker 1: called Dead to Me, an estrangement podcast, and it is
Speaker 1: hosted by me. And if you listen to the first episode,
Speaker 1: which is live, and by the time you listen to this,
Speaker 1: there might be many episodes live. But I'd like it
Speaker 1: if you did, because you'll learn way more about me
Speaker 1: than you ever thought you would know. And I'm sharing
Speaker 1: way more about myself than I ever thought I would share,
Speaker 1: and not that that show is really about me, but
Speaker 1: I think the more you understand what makes me tick
Speaker 1: and what I like to talk about and why I
Speaker 1: like to talk about and the subject matter, I just
Speaker 1: think it feeds into this show a lot too. So
Speaker 1: you know, the hope and the healing and the trauma
Speaker 1: and the pain and all of that that goes into
Speaker 1: hopefully finding that special person in that special relationship, You'll
Speaker 1: understand a lot of what we do here on the
Speaker 1: Great Love Debate. So give Dead to Me a listen, please,
Speaker 1: and or email Dead to Me Show Dead to Me
Speaker 1: Show at gmail dot com if you have an estrangement
Speaker 1: story or a situation of your own. So that was
Speaker 1: a slight tangent, but not a total one, because I
Speaker 1: want to talk a little bit about past or broken
Speaker 1: relationships that did not work out for a second, not
Speaker 1: necessarily in a bad way. We're not here to bash
Speaker 1: the exes, but I want to talk about how much
Speaker 1: contact is healthy and how to navigate between that loss
Speaker 1: and moving ahead. So I have two opinions on this,
Speaker 1: and they're both I think a little bit unusual and
Speaker 1: might not be what you expect First of all, I
Speaker 1: think it is healthy to communicate with your exes. I
Speaker 1: do you know if you're calling them every day and
Speaker 1: screaming I fucking hate you, No, that's not healthy. But
Speaker 1: you also shouldn't be in a new relationship at that
Speaker 1: point anyway. I'm talking about when you're in a new relationship,
Speaker 1: how much is too much and how much is too little?
Speaker 1: And I'm actually okay with it. I would want my
Speaker 1: girlfriend or wife to be on friendly, cordial, communicative terms
Speaker 1: with whomever was in their past. I mean, I don't
Speaker 1: want to in court every Wednesday morning, but having some
Speaker 1: sort of lined them Happy Birthday, Happy Father's Day, congratulations.
Speaker 1: I mean even to like, hey, I was in Cape
Speaker 1: Cod and I remember that time you caught that big
Speaker 1: dumb fish and you were so happy. I think that's
Speaker 1: good because I want people to err on the side
Speaker 1: of good memories. I think that leads to a happier person,
Speaker 1: the gratitude that came from it, the positivity of the experience.
Speaker 1: I'm personally not the jealous type. I honestly would rather
Speaker 1: have the person I am with in contact with someone
Speaker 1: who did not work out with than someone who it
Speaker 1: might still work out with. You know, I don't rather
Speaker 1: have them talk to an X than someone in their office.
Speaker 1: I just think it's a positive mindset. You know, everyone
Speaker 1: has a past, everyone has had relationships that didn't work out.
Speaker 1: I just think it's healthier than them completely forgetting anything
Speaker 1: that ever happened and walling it off completely. That would
Speaker 1: scare me. That is unresolved feelings. And here's another layer
Speaker 1: to that that I am also okay with. And some
Speaker 1: of you are going to disagree. A lot of you
Speaker 1: might disagree. I think the pet names can remain. I
Speaker 1: think if you call your present girlfriend honey, you probably
Speaker 1: shouldn't go back and call your ex honey. But that's
Speaker 1: also because I think every relationship deserves its own unique name.
Speaker 1: I don't think there should be two honeys. I think
Speaker 1: you used honey and you have to find something else.
Speaker 1: There can only be one baby, you know. But if
Speaker 1: I called my ex, my ex Shelley, Hi, Shelly, she
Speaker 1: would never in a million years listening to this show,
Speaker 1: and she answered the phone, I think I would say, hey, Pickle,
Speaker 1: because that's what I called her. And I think she
Speaker 1: would say what's up, toad because she called me toady
Speaker 1: for some reason, and I'm not sure why she was Pickle.
Speaker 1: But anyway, I've never known her by her actual name, Like,
Speaker 1: I've never really called her actual name to her face.
Speaker 1: I don't think I ever did that. So it seems
Speaker 1: strange to call her that, and it would seem hostile
Speaker 1: to call her that. And I get that that's not
Speaker 1: for everyone. I get that some people might say, wait,
Speaker 1: that is too familiar, bordering on flirty. The pet names
Speaker 1: die with the relationship. I don't know, that's who they
Speaker 1: were to me, And you might be like, no, it's not.
Speaker 1: You know, they're no longer, you're no longer in relationship,
Speaker 1: in that relationship, I get it. And you know, I
Speaker 1: always noticed the way and how people call each other stuff.
Speaker 1: I always think couples are in trouble when I hear
Speaker 1: them call each other by their If somebody's like, hey, Doug,
Speaker 1: it's Connie and I'm picking up John from soccer at
Speaker 1: five point thirty, I'm like, yikes, they hate each other.
Speaker 1: They definitely hate each other if they call each other
Speaker 1: by their first names. I asked my ex girlfriend what
Speaker 1: her ex husband called her when they were married, and
Speaker 1: she said he called me wife. He said, hey, wife,
Speaker 1: and I could have told you right then that never
Speaker 1: had a prayer of working out. I don't know you
Speaker 1: guys know who Michelle Beadle is. She was on ESPN
Speaker 1: for a while. She floated around since she's a sports
Speaker 1: entertainment and she said once in an interview, she said,
Speaker 1: most of her guy friends call her Beatle, and I
Speaker 1: get that. A lot of people call me Howie. But
Speaker 1: and then she started dating one of these guy friends,
Speaker 1: and he continued to call her Beetle, which would have
Speaker 1: been a cute nickname if it wasn't her actual name.
Speaker 1: I've always hated girls who kept my name in their
Speaker 1: phone as Howie. I always hated that I want something
Speaker 1: else in the phone contacts. So I want love of
Speaker 1: my life, something like that. So anyway, as I've said,
Speaker 1: add infinitum on this show, my job's to raise the questions,
Speaker 1: and I give you the answers. These are some of
Speaker 1: my answers. But I have another part to this to
Speaker 1: raises a question that you also may not like. We
Speaker 1: have to take a quick break to pay for things
Speaker 1: around here. We will be back right after this. And
Speaker 1: we are back, and we were talking about this sometimes
Speaker 1: tenuous thread and treacherous waters of relating to an X.
Speaker 1: And so here is something I've said before that I
Speaker 1: feel even more strongly about. And people are gonna give
Speaker 1: me a ton of pushback on this one, but here
Speaker 1: are my thoughts. I know, I just said, I think
Speaker 1: it's fine and healthy to have a congenial relationship with
Speaker 1: the past partner. But however, caveat if he or she
Speaker 1: the new person, especially as she but the new person,
Speaker 1: if she says, you know what, I don't want you
Speaker 1: talking to them, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I think
Speaker 1: they have every right to say that I do, and
Speaker 1: you shut it down. That's what I think. The new
Speaker 1: person has the keys to the house. The old one
Speaker 1: has to give up the keys. And so many of
Speaker 1: you are like, no, they have to accept that this
Speaker 1: person is a part of my life still, and I
Speaker 1: consider that my friend and I have to deal with it.
Speaker 1: I don't think they do. I don't and I'm not
Speaker 1: talking about you know, and this can't even get into
Speaker 1: social media. I don't want you liking and I don't
Speaker 1: want you, you know, Facebook friends with these people. I
Speaker 1: think they have the right to do that. You know,
Speaker 1: as soon as that person and you know, not somebody
Speaker 1: you dated three times, but somebody who's like now your
Speaker 1: boyfriend girlfriend. I think they have that right. And I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about an ex wife or an ex husband,
Speaker 1: because obviously they're sometimes some legal and financial and custodial things.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. So if
Speaker 1: you're easily jealous, even if the person isn't an ex
Speaker 1: but a close friend, I think you have the right
Speaker 1: to ask them to just shut it down. You know,
Speaker 1: maybe not forever, but until they really get in a
Speaker 1: comfort zone with you. I just think it is your
Speaker 1: job to make the new person comfortable with you, and
Speaker 1: a lot of times that means your comfort zone has
Speaker 1: to change. I mean, is that an absolute and no exceptions. No.
Speaker 1: I just think it's a good thing to speak up on,
Speaker 1: you know, because it's better than saying nothing and having
Speaker 1: these issues are jealousy creep in, Like you have got
Speaker 1: to give the new ones a shot and the old
Speaker 1: ones have to be put to the side, which is
Speaker 1: something else I've said before. These people are like, no,
Speaker 1: you need to serial day, You need to eight five
Speaker 1: or six people at a time to find out who
Speaker 1: the one you like. I don't think you do I
Speaker 1: think you're not giving one a shot. You don't order
Speaker 1: five or six bottles of wine and drink them wald
Speaker 1: Or I think you order a bottle of wine and
Speaker 1: if you like it, you keep drinking it until you
Speaker 1: don't like it, and then you order a different wine.
Speaker 1: But it's hard to give create an environment where a
Speaker 1: new person gets a shot when there's stuff of the
Speaker 1: old person. So you might be like, wait, what at
Speaker 1: the beginning you said it's cool to talk to the
Speaker 1: old person, and I said, I think it's fine unless
Speaker 1: here's the exception. The new person does not, and maybe
Speaker 1: the new person eventually be like, you know what, that
Speaker 1: was stupid. I don't know. Feel free to talk to them.
Speaker 1: I actually do. It's healthy. It's great, better than the
Speaker 1: other way around, where they think it's all healthy from
Speaker 1: the jump, and then they're like, wait, why are you
Speaker 1: talking to Monica so much? Why are you talking to
Speaker 1: David so much? Like, I don't know. I think this
Speaker 1: involves communication, and I think there's obviously exceptions to this.
Speaker 1: I'm not a ten on any of these things, from
Speaker 1: one to ten on how strong this is generally how
Speaker 1: I feel, though, I'll be like, oh, that's cool. She
Speaker 1: wished her ex happy birthday, doesn't mean she's going out
Speaker 1: with them. And I also think it's cool if you're like,
Speaker 1: you know what, just limit it to a happy birthday.
Speaker 1: I don't want any other contact with it. I think
Speaker 1: all of that can work. And I think that's all
Speaker 1: about communication. I think it's about healthy. I think it's
Speaker 1: about moving forward. You know, we're all about positivity here,
Speaker 1: and I think that is the positive outlook on both
Speaker 1: that I'm going to devote myself to the new one,
Speaker 1: and if it's okay, I'm gonna keep some ties that
Speaker 1: are friendly and happy and good memories to the old one.
Speaker 1: Two sides of the same coin, two sides of opposite coin,
Speaker 1: two coins. I don't know a little bit of all
Speaker 1: as far as us. Two sides of the coin here
Speaker 1: dead to me. Podcasts like share follow review, great Love
Speaker 1: Debate podcast like share Roller. I'm not cheating on you
Speaker 1: guys with that podcast. It's just a little bit of
Speaker 1: a it's either a bookend to this or it's the
Speaker 1: flip side to this. I don't know yet, but we're
Speaker 1: gonna do a lot of things on that, but a
Speaker 1: little bit darker that we won't do on this. Show here,
Speaker 1: so here, Great Loovedebate dot com. Check out our tour schedule,
Speaker 1: our big show in book. We're tone Florida. The Boca
Speaker 1: black Box Center for the Arts is on sale. I
Speaker 1: think if they move the date to December, it's December third,
Speaker 1: tickets around sale, go for that. Then that is our finale.
Speaker 1: I believe that is one thing. I do believe strongly.
Speaker 1: That is our live tour finale. This show, this podcast
Speaker 1: will go on forever and ever, but that should be
Speaker 1: the finale for the live shows. I think I got
Speaker 1: one more in me. It's gonna be a big one.
Speaker 1: Tickets on sale now. Boca Blackbox dot com shoots an
Speaker 1: email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com if you
Speaker 1: agree or disagree with any of this, or if you
Speaker 1: have a third solution that I have not thought of yet,
Speaker 1: because as always at the Great Love Debate, we never
Speaker 1: stop making love. To see next time the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's the Great Love Debate. Degreat Love Debate. It's a
Speaker 1: Great Love Debase.