Speaker 1: A lot of people wouldn't call it an ostrich they do. Uh.
Speaker 1: When Joellen is throwing her Fourth of July party, she
Speaker 1: cites Christopher Columbus as the reason for why we celebrate
Speaker 1: July fourth. So I'm just there's a lot of stupidity
Speaker 1: on this cast. Real strong case for the public school systems.
Speaker 2: My god, I don't know. I think it's got something
Speaker 2: doing a pentom what.
Speaker 1: Hi, Hello, and welcome to a brand spanking new season,
Speaker 1: a new franchise of the franchise Real Housewives. It is
Speaker 1: The Real Housewives of Rhode Island, a patreonlite. I'm Dylan.
Speaker 1: That is Patrick Ruby is not here, which is kind
Speaker 1: of It's kind of crummy because I think that Rubes
Speaker 1: has a lot to say about these cats. Ruby's going
Speaker 1: on a honeymoon next week too, So I don't think
Speaker 1: we're going to have her for the first two episodes.
Speaker 3: Wow, Oh dare God?
Speaker 1: How dare she?
Speaker 3: I don't think she realizes how important it is that
Speaker 3: she be here.
Speaker 1: I know, and go ahead and list a reason why
Speaker 1: it's important that she'd be here.
Speaker 3: Well, I mean the audience misses there.
Speaker 1: That's number one. Guys. We have a brand new show.
Speaker 3: Hey, this is going to be a free episode, right,
Speaker 3: just to lure everybody.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, yeah, sure, okay, but we're going to be
Speaker 1: covering this entire season of Patreonic comp session of the
Speaker 1: podcast network. I gotta tell you, while I am very
Speaker 1: disappointed in the bait and switch of announcing that you're
Speaker 1: going to be filming in one of the oldest seats
Speaker 1: of power in the country and then giving us this slop. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's a paytent switch to it's our fault. We projected
Speaker 1: that are the our ideal show.
Speaker 3: On to that, I'm going to be positive, but you
Speaker 3: and I mirror the same thoughts. I'm going to be positive.
Speaker 3: I wanted Rhode Island, Newport, South Dylan. Little fun fact.
Speaker 3: I don't know if you knew this, The Great Gatsby
Speaker 3: that takes place in Newport, Rhode Island.
Speaker 1: Yep.
Speaker 3: That's the kind of wealth we're talking here. Yeah, and
Speaker 3: now what they've handed us is essentially Miami Real Housewives yea,
Speaker 3: in Providence, Rhode Island.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. West egg was wherever the fuck that
Speaker 1: that that trailer park of fucking Italian gypsies at Alicia's family,
Speaker 1: One of them was sucking out of a fucking flask
Speaker 1: all the way to a kid's birthday party. Anyways, real
Speaker 1: drugs go ahead.
Speaker 3: That's we have. I wanted old money and we have
Speaker 3: new money. Jersey Shore.
Speaker 1: We have one person who is of old money, not
Speaker 1: on the show, face ripped out of the pictures.
Speaker 3: That's right. He will not dare to show his goddamn face.
Speaker 1: No, no, nope, he is Sonya Morgan's husband. Oh analog,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be a part of your racket. Okay.
Speaker 3: With all that being said, yes, I still love it.
Speaker 3: It's still fun. I even like the crier. I love
Speaker 3: the dynamic that she has somehow strangled strangled poor Jared
Speaker 3: into being on this show.
Speaker 1: How is she on this show? What is she doing
Speaker 1: on this five?
Speaker 3: I can tell you she makes money as an influencer.
Speaker 3: They have been trying for years to make her a star,
Speaker 3: whether it be hosting television shows, hawking television products on
Speaker 3: E or entertainment Tonight when they try and do that nonsense.
Speaker 3: They have tried everything, and now this is her big
Speaker 3: return to reality TV. She made a deal with the devil.
Speaker 3: They just got oddly so hot. She has that giant
Speaker 3: She has a giant face.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm talking about, how certain people have
Speaker 1: giant faces.
Speaker 3: She's always rubbed me. I just I've never I don't
Speaker 3: find her regardless.
Speaker 1: It's very very confusing. How and why she is on
Speaker 1: this show.
Speaker 3: Well, her only connection is her husband is from here.
Speaker 1: That's it. That's it. And she's so anyways, and.
Speaker 3: She's friends with the newsgirl Rosie.
Speaker 1: Okay, hit the road Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, So we
Speaker 1: have a lot to get into. But first we have
Speaker 1: to dare I say, invent construct or bloom our rating system?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, for this franchise. Now we're as is customary.
Speaker 1: We need your guys help. Okay, let us know what
Speaker 1: you what uh what you want us to use for
Speaker 1: a hundred percent hunch.
Speaker 3: Of pots in the thoughts Dylan in Harvard and Yale
Speaker 3: where the old school guys they all get together and
Speaker 3: they're going to be presidents.
Speaker 1: No, you're talking about sculling bones. Okay.
Speaker 3: Had this been old money, yeah, I would have said,
Speaker 3: why don't we do how many skull and bones? Is?
Speaker 1: I love that? Yeah?
Speaker 3: But it's not.
Speaker 1: No, I don't know.
Speaker 3: It's how many bad? How many bad?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 3: Tan jobs?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: How many? How many? How many bad spray cans.
Speaker 1: It's something, it's something. Spray stands is two on the nose.
Speaker 1: Let's give ourselves. Let's sometime, let's go give ourselves some time.
Speaker 3: I can't tell you how many of our rating systems
Speaker 3: have come from fan submissions. You got shoulder taps.
Speaker 1: You know, we talk about this all the time, but
Speaker 1: Carl Jung has a passage in memories, dreams and reflections
Speaker 1: about what it means to truly arrive at a solution.
Speaker 1: It feels like a certain divinity is crept into our
Speaker 1: waking life. When we do find our system for this show,
Speaker 1: we will understand what that means. Okay, until then, let's
Speaker 1: just go ahead and give it pots or spray tans,
Speaker 1: whatever you want.
Speaker 3: Or bad cosmetic surgery.
Speaker 1: What would it be? What would it be? Kayaks? What
Speaker 1: would it be? Because they don't have yachts? They just definitely.
Speaker 3: Liz and Dolores. By the way, they could be twins,
Speaker 3: the same plastic surgeon. Surgeon, What a cruel joke he
Speaker 3: made them look alike.
Speaker 1: Well, would it be cousins you banged? How many one
Speaker 1: ninety seven cousins you banged?
Speaker 3: How many cannabis stores?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't think we know yet.
Speaker 3: What's the name of that horrible TV show that that
Speaker 3: girl makes that no one watches.
Speaker 1: Red tripid something like that.
Speaker 3: How many road trips?
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, all right, well we'll figure it out. Okay,
Speaker 1: let us know. I adored this episode. It was you
Speaker 1: brought up Lizzid Dolores Stark seeing this, I mean, it's
Speaker 1: like what I've seen you before. You've you've actually been
Speaker 1: on my favor fit d Read Cheeraders, You've been on
Speaker 1: my favorite shod read. Yeah, it was crazy. Kelsey is
Speaker 1: you know I I say Christopher guest character a lot
Speaker 1: when we're talking about these shows. She is ripped straight
Speaker 1: from a mighty wind kind of thing. She is a
Speaker 1: thirty year old sugar baby who is aging out of
Speaker 1: the allowances. She is not only concerned, she's in a
Speaker 1: complete and total free fall panic adack daily it is.
Speaker 1: She's an amazing character. Then we've got Joe Ellen, who
Speaker 1: is Gi Jane. I mean, do not fuck with her.
Speaker 1: She is a tough bitch.
Speaker 3: Okay, but you know what, the ladies have something that
Speaker 3: they can hang over her head every episode for the
Speaker 3: rest of her life. Broad Shoulder, your husband banged, banged
Speaker 3: your sisters.
Speaker 1: That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I.
Speaker 3: Mean you don't think that's gonna be brought up every
Speaker 3: four seconds?
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, but yeah. What basically what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to sday is I love the cast so far. I
Speaker 1: think that we've got an interesting dynamic here. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go ahead and give this episode four four four beaches.
Speaker 3: Four beaches. Yeah, okay, okay, just because this is just
Speaker 3: a wide open landscape right now. I thought it was
Speaker 3: a great first episode. Although I've already listed my issues
Speaker 3: with it. I'm gonna give it ninety bad spray.
Speaker 1: Tands, ninety bad spray tanks, right, Okay, why don't you
Speaker 1: take it away?
Speaker 3: Sorry? Sorry. We begin our journey with this new franchise
Speaker 3: at Alicia's house in Rhode Island. Although you'd think we
Speaker 3: were in that trash heap known as the Garden State
Speaker 3: with all those meatball eating low rent accents traumatizing our
Speaker 3: ear drums, right, at least half the cast has that
Speaker 3: horrible New Jersey shore fucking accent. Her daughter this is Alicia.
Speaker 3: Cecilia is her mini me, and they both like Britney
Speaker 3: Spears and if they're big fans of Snookie, we are
Speaker 3: officially have a tryad of white trash.
Speaker 1: Okay, really I'm getting yeah, yeah, yeah, really, let me
Speaker 1: let me just can I take the reins back from
Speaker 1: me for a second. Okay, so the crier is already
Speaker 1: speaking on behalf of the state.
Speaker 3: Okay, so you're talking about the little five minutes.
Speaker 1: Well, we don't have to cover all of it, but
Speaker 1: I thought that it was very funny that Ashley from
Speaker 1: Virginia is talking about what it means to be Rhode Island.
Speaker 3: Oh God, and it's a lot of things.
Speaker 1: I think that the people that live on the other
Speaker 1: side of that bridge that minorities can't get across would
Speaker 1: have problems with what Ashley Ia Kennetti is describing as everybody.
Speaker 3: Knows each other in Rhode Island.
Speaker 1: Oh really, yeah, Ashley, you don't know these people.
Speaker 3: Everybody in Rhode Island has secrets.
Speaker 1: Oh really? So it is called the Ocean State. Mmm, yes,
Speaker 1: I think I believe it is. But I think so
Speaker 1: the Ocean State. I can look that up now, you
Speaker 1: don't need to.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 1: There's Liz and her twin who are just too Dolores's.
Speaker 1: And then we get to we get to Ashley, who's
Speaker 1: we've talked about it. It's just very, very confusing that
Speaker 1: she's on the show. But we kick things off in
Speaker 1: Providence at Alicia's house. Now, when she talks about her
Speaker 1: daughter and her liking everything, liking the same things, you know,
Speaker 1: she frames it in a way that's like, you know,
Speaker 1: her daughter is arriving at these things naturally. Alicia is just, uh, Alicia,
Speaker 1: what are you doing pumping Britney Spears into your young
Speaker 1: daughter's life. She doesn't need that. Okay, that's not a
Speaker 1: that's not a happy ending. Okay that story.
Speaker 3: Can we get to her goddamn fiance Bill.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, she's drinking any color wine at eleven o'clock
Speaker 1: in the morning, So we've got a fun lady. But
Speaker 1: let's get to Uh, let's get to Bill.
Speaker 3: Apparently Bill owns a few pie shops. Yeah, which is
Speaker 3: a front for money laundering. Obviously, yeas in construction with
Speaker 3: these assholes, right, You don't know in a fucking house
Speaker 3: that nice by slinging pies all day.
Speaker 1: No, He's got a couple of different restaurants. Her favorites,
Speaker 1: the pizza spot where she hangs pictures of herself and
Speaker 1: the people that own and operate said pizza joint are
Speaker 1: not happy about it, but we've got a bunch of
Speaker 1: mangas coming up.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Her family, That family sounds as obnoxious as she does.
Speaker 3: Other than that, they're an absolute delight.
Speaker 1: Yeah, not really. They're all drunks. Judy's lipping out of
Speaker 1: a flask in the back seat. And these people, I
Speaker 1: don't think they're fans of her husband, who's not her husband.
Speaker 1: I don't think they're married.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they want to know when the wedding day is coming,
Speaker 3: seeing as they've been engaged for nine years.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so they talk about her childhood friend Liz, who
Speaker 1: lives where fucking uh? I don't Zia's all the ants,
Speaker 1: the ants, all these ants live over in Cranston, right, Hey,
Speaker 1: I don't know what you doing living in Providence. I
Speaker 1: mean it's wait too long of a drive for us. Okay,
Speaker 1: you gotta live over in Cranstey with us. Okay, he's
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes.
Speaker 3: Fifteen minutes.
Speaker 1: She makes me drive down to see my grandchildren. I mean,
Speaker 1: why do you live with Liz? She lives over in Cranstein, So.
Speaker 3: Why don't you ladies run there? Okay?
Speaker 1: She's walking her cat, Liz named chickangie who shits on
Speaker 1: the floor. The thing about her husband, Jerry, is that
Speaker 1: her and her her husband.
Speaker 3: No, he's her brother. Yeah, because she looks like she's
Speaker 3: on drugs or maybe she didn't recognize him when she
Speaker 3: met him because she was drunk or something.
Speaker 1: Because she's the queen of weed right now, the good
Speaker 1: news is she is a stepmom. Okay, they have not
Speaker 1: enter bred and created monstrous fronts to the lord. Okay.
Speaker 1: They own a cannabis company. And this is kind of
Speaker 1: like nostalgic for me because this is Rhode Island cannabis. Right.
Speaker 1: When you get out to Los Angeles, it's been all
Speaker 1: fucking Silicon Valley eyed, Right, this is Rhode Island cannabis.
Speaker 1: This guy's pouring distolate out of a fucking Mason jar. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is old fashioned, real shit. Yeah, that's a real shit. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Before we move on from her, oh no, no, no, I
Speaker 3: guess we're still here. Her face is one more cosmetic
Speaker 3: surgery away from scaring children.
Speaker 1: Well, I think she's beautiful. Yeah, come on, all right,
Speaker 1: come on, stop being negative? Right, Well, I mean you're
Speaker 1: tearing down a woman of a certain age, and her
Speaker 1: looks can't do that. We've agreed. We've done so many
Speaker 1: podcasts wherein we've shut down these mics, and we've said
Speaker 1: to one another, we can't do that anymore. We can't
Speaker 1: say that she looks like a fucking leather hide that
Speaker 1: was brought by people on the prairies. Can't say that,
Speaker 1: you know, she is really beautiful. I don't understand. She's
Speaker 1: almost an Indian. She looks like she's so dark. Anyways, Well,
Speaker 1: I want to be better, me too. Yeah, and we're
Speaker 1: gonna be okay, Okay, so we're gonna beet. Yeah, we're
Speaker 1: gonna grab lunch with Kelsey. Who is She's gonna go
Speaker 1: over to said lunch. In a little bit of a
Speaker 1: speedboat situation, Kelsey is dating an older man East Egg
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. I can't remember which egg is the
Speaker 1: Good Egg and Great Gatsby, but she's dating somebody from
Speaker 1: the Good Egg. Okay, Now he is not a good Egg.
Speaker 1: He is a He is a master of mankind. And
Speaker 1: that means that he can pay women to have sex
Speaker 1: with him.
Speaker 3: Now also to just tolerate a lot of bullshit.
Speaker 1: Uh being mistreated.
Speaker 3: Uh yeah, she accepts his Uh, he's got moreultiple girlfriends
Speaker 3: like he comes home and she's like, hey, honey, how
Speaker 3: was Miami's? And hey, I think you got something on
Speaker 3: your face. Oh that's another woman's vagina.
Speaker 1: Oh, and there's the rest of her. Yes, she's sure
Speaker 1: you're carrying her back into this house from Miami.
Speaker 3: That's right.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Oh, I guess I got to tolerate you. Take care
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 1: Yep.
Speaker 3: I will say this, and this story will drop more
Speaker 3: and more by the way, that relationship will not survive
Speaker 3: her being on this television clearly, just like bron when
Speaker 3: needed and out from old Uh where's his nickname?
Speaker 1: Talking? Uh?
Speaker 3: Gouge balls, gout balls. Okay, this is her out in
Speaker 3: a career.
Speaker 1: One want the cherry. I thought I thought I could
Speaker 1: have it.
Speaker 3: Can you imagine that rolling over on talking you in
Speaker 3: the morning?
Speaker 1: Dying right now? It sounds like you're dying right now.
Speaker 3: I have to say this about a ten year relationship
Speaker 3: with a dude who's stepping out on you and a
Speaker 3: lot of free time. There is no mother way she
Speaker 3: was sitting at home twiddling her thumb. Well, he's gallivanting through.
Speaker 1: Oh I think she might be.
Speaker 3: No way she was going having fun with the workout instructor.
Speaker 1: I don't know, dude, because it can go one of
Speaker 1: two ways. You can be pulverized, like genuinely arrested development pulverized,
Speaker 1: or you can wake up and have fun with the situation.
Speaker 1: But I'm not sure. She seems really concerned about it anyways,
Speaker 1: Jin was the mother's milk to her. I like Liz.
Speaker 1: She's very, very funny. She reminds me, she's just Dolores.
Speaker 1: We love Delores. So a little bit of Dolores goes
Speaker 1: a long way. Now we got two of them. Was
Speaker 1: it Sandoval who kept going for.
Speaker 3: Yes, they hated each other, and she hated him because
Speaker 3: he did that horrible thing to Arianna.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you wouldn't let it go. I can't believe what
Speaker 1: you did to Arianna.
Speaker 3: She landed on her.
Speaker 1: I think it's Dolores.
Speaker 3: Guys, I think it's me.
Speaker 1: Okay, I think I think I'm the trader. Just so,
Speaker 1: how do you think Santabel's at breakfast? How do you
Speaker 1: think they kill him? What? Well? Like, do you think
Speaker 1: they shoot them or it's like an injection? How do
Speaker 1: you think we're gonna die?
Speaker 3: Have you been watching House of Villains? So Kate Chastain
Speaker 3: is like basically kicking him out of the house. That's
Speaker 3: how it works, you get thrown out of the house.
Speaker 3: He's like, Kate, I can't believe you did this to me,
Speaker 3: Like you know how like we have advertisers, like, uh,
Speaker 3: like you post. I know you like post stuff, and
Speaker 3: I was gonna do some engagement where you where I
Speaker 3: liked your posts and comment on it to like help
Speaker 3: make you money or he really say that, oh yeah yeah,
Speaker 3: And she's like, and you're gonna throw me out like
Speaker 3: right now? It's like, yeah, thanks Tom, goodbye?
Speaker 1: I love Kate? Is that sho good?
Speaker 3: I don't watch I just watched clips.
Speaker 1: Okay, So Kelsey woman after my own heart. She hates
Speaker 1: lemon seeds. Lemon seeds the bane of my existence.
Speaker 3: Kelsey h wells are lemon seeds taken out by the help?
Speaker 1: That's what I would do? Yeah. Uh. Kelsey rolls out
Speaker 1: a term that I haven't heard before. Lady of leisure?
Speaker 3: You never heard that?
Speaker 1: Befrom no, lady of leisure?
Speaker 3: How long it's so nice? Waves saying do nothing? Bitch?
Speaker 3: How long do you not my words?
Speaker 1: Their words? Not ba?
Speaker 3: That was Beyonce?
Speaker 1: How long do you think you could do this? For like,
Speaker 1: how long do you think the average person can do this?
Speaker 3: Me, I'm like a guy that's been living in a
Speaker 3: prison cell. Like I just walk around in circles. I
Speaker 3: can't be what would you do well, I'd start drinking out.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I can't. I don't hands the devil's playground.
Speaker 3: I need to be doing stuff constantly until I'm so
Speaker 3: tired that I just go to bed.
Speaker 1: I know, it's crazy when you're in your twenties, I
Speaker 1: think that you can do this, which is, you know
Speaker 1: when he found her right right, So you know these
Speaker 1: Rhode Island elites, they're smart, all right, So she's a pro.
Speaker 1: She married into one of these blood siphoning families in
Speaker 1: Rhode Island. The blood is siphoned from children, if you're wondering.
Speaker 1: She is in a little bit of trouble though, because
Speaker 1: while she loves being alone, her old leathery husband is
Speaker 1: away banging runaways in Miami. Now the problem is this,
Speaker 1: she did become Miss Rhode Island at his behest. He
Speaker 1: told her right, bankrolled it, what to eat, and he
Speaker 1: paid for the sash. But now, as we mentioned, she
Speaker 1: is aged out, okay, and she is reaching a cycle
Speaker 1: of life that this man finds repulsive.
Speaker 3: Now, she does not put that on him at all.
Speaker 3: Do you think her framing of this is that she
Speaker 3: has grown outgrown this relationship? Do you think there's a
Speaker 3: little bit of both going on here? Like he told
Speaker 3: her like, look, you got sixteen months, you know, kind
Speaker 3: of like, what's a movie where they kill you when
Speaker 3: you're thirty? Logan's Run? Kaylen's Dad.
Speaker 1: Wasn't that by the way, You know, when you prompt
Speaker 1: that up, I thought it's either Logan's Run where it's
Speaker 1: that movie with justin Timberlake we're in.
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so bad. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: He was so bad in that, you know, it's so crazy.
Speaker 1: There was a while there where we were told that,
Speaker 1: we were told we were gonna have to sit by
Speaker 1: and have this happen to us, justin Timberlake being in
Speaker 1: things okay, and think about that. What was that fucking
Speaker 1: movie Time's up? What the fuck was that called?
Speaker 3: You just watched like five minutes of it. It's like distracting.
Speaker 3: How horrible he know?
Speaker 1: I think The Social Network is close to a perfect movie.
Speaker 1: I think it's hindered by him. As Sean Parker, I
Speaker 1: really do it takes me out of the movie. So anyways,
Speaker 1: the panic attacks, the tears, they're all coming because the
Speaker 1: writing is on the wall. Whether or not she's being
Speaker 1: thrust out of the house in sixteen months or she
Speaker 1: feels unfulfilled by this relationship, the writing is on the wall.
Speaker 1: This is going to be over soon. And you don't
Speaker 1: have any professional experience of any kind. So that's a
Speaker 1: little that's anxiety inducing. All right, Let's get to Gary
Speaker 1: and Joe Ellen. He banged her little sister, older sister.
Speaker 3: And she stole from her older sister.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I love the old pictures of high school and stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's fair.
Speaker 3: Fund. She mentions how she can't keep secrets. Yeah, and
Speaker 3: she's a self described bitch.
Speaker 1: Were you about to say that you can't keep a secret?
Speaker 3: I can't.
Speaker 1: Why can you not keep a secret? If you if
Speaker 1: you're like, if let's say one of your let me
Speaker 1: say if if.
Speaker 3: What if.
Speaker 1: I'm naming somebody you're very close with, Well.
Speaker 3: I can't. You're kind of saying that thing. People might
Speaker 3: hear what you're saying. All right, I can't keep Okay,
Speaker 3: don't tell me anything that you don't want people to know,
Speaker 3: all right.
Speaker 1: If I ran somebody over in my car and I
Speaker 1: called you to come help. Would you come help and
Speaker 1: keep it a secret?
Speaker 3: Oh? Man, no, what well, I'd help you. Uh, I'd
Speaker 3: help you bring the body to the hospital.
Speaker 1: What if it was Okay, let's say I run over
Speaker 1: the bum that threw those rocks at your car.
Speaker 3: Well, now that's quite a Sophie's choice, all right.
Speaker 1: So he likes ripping shots at dinner. And Joe Allen
Speaker 1: is evidently very scary to a lot of the women.
Speaker 1: She's very intimidating anything else, she has children, all right.
Speaker 1: Back to Alicia, she's vacuuming up powder. She's coincidentally where
Speaker 1: her fiance keeps his cocaine. That's why she's having a
Speaker 1: tough time with the house chores. But we meet Rosie,
Speaker 1: who's married to a hustler. Okay, he's a house slipper.
Speaker 1: He's a Frank Sinatra singer, not to be confused with impersonator.
Speaker 3: She's a DJ and also a fucking loser. Okay, I mean, honestly,
Speaker 3: how can you be all those things?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: My god? You imagine having to be a cocktail party
Speaker 3: when you're a successful news anchor and you're like, oh,
Speaker 3: is that your husband. What's he do?
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's he reads asmodeled and he sings. Yeah.
Speaker 3: When you start telling me five things that you do,
Speaker 3: you don't want to tell me that at a cocktail
Speaker 3: party because I just start, yeah, I.
Speaker 1: Know it's not good. So I love the constructs that
Speaker 1: the housewives have to get into an order to shoot right.
Speaker 1: So it's usually a daytime thing or the funniest. Today,
Speaker 1: we're going to jump on ty bow roller skates. We
Speaker 1: learned that Rosie does the TV show Local Hobby Show,
Speaker 1: and we cut to a cookie segment where a guy
Speaker 1: is wearing a Fukushima hairnet. It was very confusing and
Speaker 1: not explained at all. We just cut to a guy
Speaker 1: who is wearing a hairnet over his entire head. So
Speaker 1: they break down the entire click. Joe Ellen is Rosie's
Speaker 1: enemy and will get we'll explore this throughout the season.
Speaker 3: Now, one thing they brought up swinging here. I was
Speaker 3: a little confused at who they were accusing.
Speaker 1: Of being Joellen. I believe they were accusing of being
Speaker 1: a swinger.
Speaker 3: Oh really, Oh and I think I think okay, And
Speaker 3: then they said that Gary bang Joellen's older sister. No
Speaker 3: they did, Yes, they did.
Speaker 1: No, they did.
Speaker 3: I think they did.
Speaker 1: Okay, really they did.
Speaker 3: They definitely do that, which I that's I'm not a
Speaker 3: lot of guys can say they pulled that off like
Speaker 3: catching a fly with chopsticks.
Speaker 1: That's tough. Honestly, a lot of men would love to
Speaker 1: have that feather in their cap. It's a difficult thing
Speaker 1: to pull off. But Gary did. My My wife just
Speaker 1: sent me a picture of our daughter who will not
Speaker 1: go to sleep, but she seems happy.
Speaker 3: So anyways, then they see, uh is this when they're
Speaker 3: walking in those.
Speaker 1: Uh they they take a seat at a certain point.
Speaker 3: Oh, I was going to say that they were fortunate
Speaker 3: enough to see ostridche roaming freeze.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I want to ask, is this the dumbest
Speaker 1: collection of people we've ever had on the show? Because
Speaker 1: on this, oh, I think maybe, Okay, we're looking at
Speaker 1: Heron's and we're saying, now, maybe not everybody knows what
Speaker 1: a heron is, but a lot of people wouldn't call
Speaker 1: it an ostrich. They do. When Joellen is throwing her
Speaker 1: Fourth of July party, she cites Christopher Columbus as the
Speaker 1: reason for why we celebrate. So I'm just there's a
Speaker 1: lot of stupidity on this cast.
Speaker 3: Real strong case for the public school systems.
Speaker 2: My god, I don't know. I think it's got some
Speaker 2: to do it a penta.
Speaker 3: What hey, I got an idea. Well, when I was
Speaker 3: looking at that ostrich up in Solving, where we visit
Speaker 3: quite often, they have an ostrich farm. Yeah, they are
Speaker 3: fucking dinosaurs. Oh they stand ten feet tall. They're terrifying.
Speaker 3: And I had an idea. You know, if you've been
Speaker 3: listening to our podcast for a long time, you know, Dylan,
Speaker 3: I have a real.
Speaker 1: I think she said flamingo actually, but go ahead, Oh.
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, oh oh really all right it's an ostrich
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah, and ostriches are terrifying. Get this idea.
Speaker 3: Don't just let this sit in your head. Mulder around
Speaker 3: for a little bit. We fucking drop off four hundred
Speaker 3: of them downtown Los Angeles. Oh my god, let them recabin.
Speaker 3: How many people die?
Speaker 1: It's not an ostrich. What you want is we can
Speaker 1: go up in aggression. So ostrich obviously not something to
Speaker 1: be messed around with. Okay, EMU, maybe even worse.
Speaker 3: Okay, I like what you're thinking.
Speaker 1: Now we go up to the Cassowary and the Cassowary
Speaker 1: can only be approached with a shield. Okay, that's the
Speaker 1: that Nope, nope, that's the only way to do it.
Speaker 1: It's massive. Let me pull up a picture of a castawerry.
Speaker 3: All right, So this is what we do, because we've
Speaker 3: been trying to clean up Los Angeles for a long time.
Speaker 1: Uh huh.
Speaker 3: You release four hundred of those things. They take care
Speaker 3: of the zombies, they take care of all the tents
Speaker 3: on the sidewalks. People are running for their God.
Speaker 1: I mean this is literally there are drawings of demons
Speaker 1: in the Orient that look exactly like this. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's terrifying. Their claws are massive. This would, honestly, there
Speaker 1: would be a lot of blood.
Speaker 3: Here's what we do, but it would we allow them
Speaker 3: to live in roam free on the streets of downtown.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Now you've got a castory problem on your hand.
Speaker 1: Though we're not in government. Okay, let's move on. Okay,
Speaker 1: she's on a TV show. We covered it, the problem.
Speaker 3: What inspired names?
Speaker 1: All right? So Joe Allen is Rosy's enemy. The two
Speaker 1: of them have been sparring with rumors. Evidently we covered this.
Speaker 1: We move on to Rosie's picnic, and we learned about
Speaker 1: Rosie a little bit. She wanted to be Brian Seacrest
Speaker 1: growing up, which is one of the weirdest things I've
Speaker 1: ever heard a woman say.
Speaker 3: The rich for a year, I know can be a
Speaker 3: closet a gay man.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we will just be you know, vampires are by vampire.
Speaker 1: I mean that man woke up at three point thirty
Speaker 1: every fucking day and then did American Idol, taped American Idol.
Speaker 3: That's right.
Speaker 1: What limitless pill was that guy on.
Speaker 3: And created the Kardashians.
Speaker 1: Thanks for that, Yeah, thank you. Ryan. So Rich and
Speaker 1: Rosie met at a local morning show. He was a
Speaker 1: line producer. She was an intern that he banged. So
Speaker 1: Rosie is doing Yeah, her show is called road tripping. Okay.
Speaker 1: She is interviewing the chief salami officer of Charcuteri Creations
Speaker 1: And because she's s so competitive, why are you laughing?
Speaker 3: It's like one of those things like who gives a shit?
Speaker 1: No, no, no, here's the thing.
Speaker 3: Oh wow, let's talk about salami.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing about this. This kind of format it
Speaker 1: never works, but I shouldn't say never. It works if
Speaker 1: you have a dynamic oddball hosting case in point California Gold.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, California.
Speaker 3: Wow are those rocks? How how exciting.
Speaker 1: California gold is? It is appointment viewing. Okay, if it
Speaker 1: were running currently, Hewle is dead. I think he had
Speaker 1: a uh just a notorious get a notoriously lude sexual deviant.
Speaker 1: But he was a marine and uh when you have
Speaker 1: him breaking down, him talking to the chief salami officer
Speaker 1: would be amazing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, who gave you that title?
Speaker 1: Oh wow, we've discussed. But there's a clip that we've
Speaker 1: got to find of him at one of the meat
Speaker 1: purveyors for the Jewish delicatessen Seene in Los Angeles. He
Speaker 1: goes over, he sees a bucket of cow tunks, you know,
Speaker 1: a lot of jewicy tongue sandwiches, and he goes.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that is disgusting.
Speaker 1: That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in
Speaker 1: my life. And there are these moments that are truly
Speaker 1: beauty like him.
Speaker 3: He's a pretty positive person.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but Kelsey's not cutting it. So Rosie cannot do
Speaker 1: her job to the optimum levels because she is so
Speaker 1: focused on the bitches that have arrived at her three
Speaker 1: guest picnic. It's important to remember that she has This
Speaker 1: is a really really kind of sad state of affairs
Speaker 1: if you think about it. She's got thousand dollars gift bags.
Speaker 1: She has turned this picnic into a shoot. There's just
Speaker 1: a lot of really weird things.
Speaker 3: I think she's comfortable shooting. You know, she's a big
Speaker 3: to do, you know, a big host. And then hey,
Speaker 3: come down here while I'm you know, in control. This
Speaker 3: is my element.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it seems like a light operation. I think they
Speaker 1: usually just have one guy, but today they brought out
Speaker 1: the Black Magics and they brought out the whole cast
Speaker 1: and crew. So we're really trying to sell it.
Speaker 3: But Joe Allen starts, you didn't mention that Ashley I
Speaker 3: showed up with Duncan. Now. I don't know when they
Speaker 3: lost donuts in their name. One hundred year ip and
Speaker 3: they lost donuts, but they did.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well they want to be a breakfast brand, right,
Speaker 1: So there was there was a shift right where they
Speaker 1: had to just be Duncan because Duncan has the egg whites.
Speaker 3: Right, Donuts says, come on in.
Speaker 1: Donuts, we're gross exactly. So Ashley literally doesn't know these women.
Speaker 1: She's meeting two of them for the first time. Rosie
Speaker 1: is the one that got Ashley into the group, and
Speaker 1: the reason that Ashley is in Rhode Island is because
Speaker 1: she has a husband, Jared, and they have two children,
Speaker 1: Hayden and Dawson aka two little white boys. Okay, if
Speaker 1: you're not from Rhode Island, you are out, according to
Speaker 1: Ashley the Crier. Now they move on to Kelsey, who
Speaker 1: is worried about being dumped by her sugar daddy and
Speaker 1: Joellen says that she's having panic attacks. But Joellen doesn't
Speaker 1: want to talk badly about Kelsey at this lunch, so
Speaker 1: we pivot to a game of never Have I Ever? Now,
Speaker 1: this was a pretty raunchy one. I think we go
Speaker 1: anal pretty close to right out of the top.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I must say that this is, uh, this is
Speaker 3: pretty played out.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think the producers feed them this, like, hey, ladies,
Speaker 3: if we're having trouble getting things started.
Speaker 1: Just Rosie was quite honest. She said, I'm I'm a
Speaker 1: fan of anal, but only if a certain if a
Speaker 1: man has a squid dick, it has to be thin.
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, that's a lot, and then we
Speaker 1: talked about it.
Speaker 3: Horrible if she said I'm a virgin. I've only ever
Speaker 3: been with my husband, you know.
Speaker 4: And then it's yeah, right, right right, wait but wait
Speaker 4: I thought, yeah, okay, So Rosie starts to flame Kelsey
Speaker 4: a little bit, joe Ellen starts to get protective, and
Speaker 4: I like the cut off Joe Ellen's gip.
Speaker 1: She can't keep this not ship talking thing up. If
Speaker 1: you're going to be a housewife, you have to betray
Speaker 1: this code. But that's for later.
Speaker 3: Now she made poor Rosie cry. I don't know if
Speaker 3: Rosie's cut out for.
Speaker 1: This, honestly. Yeah, she cries because Joellen says that the
Speaker 1: wine she brought to the the party was cheap, and
Speaker 1: then Qus quickly escalates to children think that you're evil, which,
Speaker 1: to be fair to Rosie, is very hurtful. Now Rosie
Speaker 1: starts to cry and say that she didn't need to
Speaker 1: invite her to the picnic, and eventually we get to
Speaker 1: the ritual of the housewives, which is Rosie is crying
Speaker 1: her eyes out, but that doesn't matter. Hands in, we've
Speaker 1: got an invite to dole out.
Speaker 3: That's right, fourth of July part that's more important. Also,
Speaker 3: they just a real quick side note. They discuss whether
Speaker 3: or not it's proper for Kelsey to buy a Christmas
Speaker 3: present not only for her sugar daddy, but also his
Speaker 3: side piece. That is a topic of discussion.
Speaker 1: Okay, So yeah, what we're basically saying is we've got
Speaker 1: a lot of trash here in front of the lenses.
Speaker 1: So next ay, they crushed two bottles of champagne and
Speaker 1: we head to South Kinston Town with Ashley and Jared,
Speaker 1: who is running a cafe, Audrey's Cafe, the second rank
Speaker 1: celebrity restaurant in the country behind bon Jovi. Okay, now
Speaker 1: I like Jared.
Speaker 3: I do too.
Speaker 1: He doesn't want to be an influencer, but Ashley I
Speaker 1: is upset.
Speaker 3: Hold on, Mark your Marciado's up right now, I'm sorry,
Speaker 3: go ahead.
Speaker 1: What you were saying, Ashley wants Jared to leverage the
Speaker 1: social media following that he has, Tyler, Tyler, it's an
Speaker 1: Earl gray Te latte. Sorry, Tyler, go on. She's worried
Speaker 1: that he's working too hard. You know, when they first
Speaker 1: started the company or the cafe, he was putting in
Speaker 1: one hundred hours.
Speaker 3: A week and now he's basically living.
Speaker 1: Amanda got a grasshopper machiato for Amanda, and that's what
Speaker 1: actually starts to cry.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's again. I think it's less that
Speaker 3: he is obsessed with making Audrey's successful business, and more
Speaker 3: like he does not want to be at that house,
Speaker 3: and who does when you have kids that young? I
Speaker 3: mean just being honest.
Speaker 1: Here, Yeah, yeah, I don't know, I haven't gotten there yet,
Speaker 1: but yeah, evidently he could rather.
Speaker 3: Pretend to be uh a barista than be at homeless
Speaker 3: into my weather talk my wife talk about you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, So let's get to the fourth of
Speaker 1: July party. Joellen rent at a house in Portsmouth. She doesn't
Speaker 1: know what the fourth July is. Well, Portsmouth was it
Speaker 1: would give you an indication, uh, you know, it's a
Speaker 1: it's a British town and has something to do with that.
Speaker 1: But yeah, she, like we said, thinks that it's uh
Speaker 1: has something to do with Columbus. Yeah it's.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, it's said America's public school system.
Speaker 1: But it's really crazy to not know that.
Speaker 3: Oh oh boy, I got news for you. What oh
Speaker 3: just how dumb people are, like just the simple facts.
Speaker 3: I don't even know how important it is anymore. I
Speaker 3: don't know.
Speaker 1: To not know, all right, I think it's important, but
Speaker 1: it's not just that it's important. It's like it's this
Speaker 1: thing where like I would imagine, what do the French have,
Speaker 1: like fucking whatever day they have and Pstille Day and
Speaker 1: Mexicans have their independence. It's just like part of being
Speaker 1: a country. You kind of know.
Speaker 3: That Chinese New Year?
Speaker 1: Chinese New Year?
Speaker 3: Why do I know that?
Speaker 1: So anyways, let's get to Nancy real golf cart driver
Speaker 1: of a mother woman. She just looks like a golf cart.
Speaker 3: Oh, this is gonna be so fun. Joellen is a
Speaker 3: gift to reality TV because.
Speaker 1: I love someone Joellen or Nancy.
Speaker 3: Well, no, Nancy's Joe Allen's mom. Yeah, okay, Joe Ellen
Speaker 3: is fearless, has no shame, and she's also a hateful bee.
Speaker 3: She will mix it up this season. She knows what
Speaker 3: the mission statement is. She will throw her mother under
Speaker 3: the bus and then run over her repeatedly and does
Speaker 3: not care. Does not care.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, Nancy is the grandma. She's paid to be there,
Speaker 1: evidently by Joe Ellen. I don't know if she was
Speaker 1: just doing that throwing her mom into the bus kind
Speaker 1: of thing. But it's funny. This Fourth July party is
Speaker 1: no kids allowed. That's not cool weddings. I get July
Speaker 1: fourth party. What you're making people find childcare for your
Speaker 1: fourth July party with your caviar hotdogs. It's disgusting. So anyways,
Speaker 1: Rosie is bringing a gift to try to make Joe
Speaker 1: Ellen like her. Joe Ellen strikes me as the kind
Speaker 1: of person that would hate peopleeople who are trying to
Speaker 1: get her to like them just instantly. No brother, Oh, Dolores,
Speaker 1: actual Dolores shows up to this party, and you know,
Speaker 1: talking about people being intermarried. I mean, what the fuck
Speaker 1: happened here? These two are they're carbon copies of one another.
Speaker 3: I'm not kidding. Before she showed up, I thought Dolores
Speaker 3: was Liz trying to sneak onto real housewives.
Speaker 1: Yeah, as a different person, like a Scooby Doo bad
Speaker 1: guy kind of thing. So cheers. The Elder Stateswoman came
Speaker 1: to kind of usher the season forward. Kelsey asks Dolores
Speaker 1: if they have beaches in New Jersey. I'm telling you,
Speaker 1: it's crazy. It's not even like someone in New Mexico
Speaker 1: not knowing a lot about Vermont, right, Like, I can
Speaker 1: kind of get that it's a big country. Rhode Island
Speaker 1: is we could throw a rock and hit Rhode Island
Speaker 1: from New Jersey. Anyways, maybe not, it's not very far away.
Speaker 1: Kelsey starts to break down in tears when discussing being
Speaker 1: dumped by this Rhode Island Eleite.
Speaker 3: Well, the situation she's in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, now, it's all really weighing on her. And I
Speaker 1: just love that we have this specific kind of character
Speaker 1: on this show.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I also want to say Kelsey was feeling judged
Speaker 3: really by the other girls. Some of the other girls.
Speaker 1: Well, Kelsey's carrying around a lot of shame.
Speaker 3: And Liz fortunately, you know, she worked at that tanning
Speaker 3: salon and was banging both owners, the husband and wife team. Yeah,
Speaker 3: so she's used to judgment, so she's a defender of
Speaker 3: a horrent behavior. So so she's looking out for her.
Speaker 1: Look at that my cat Gancy shit on the floor again,
Speaker 1: My god. All right, So you know people that just
Speaker 1: have like white carpets, but the dogs and cats like
Speaker 1: shit all over them. It's a there's a smell to that.
Speaker 1: You're like, how do you live like this?
Speaker 3: Actually?
Speaker 1: So we see the gift that Rosie was cooking up
Speaker 1: fireworks bouquet and a bottle of them away. Joe Allen
Speaker 1: just doesn't like this girl. She's not happy with this.
Speaker 1: I thought it was a great gift. Now Kelsey has
Speaker 1: asked if she came solo by Alicia. She breaks down,
Speaker 1: it tears, starts to crack it some fine with it,
Speaker 1: She's going through it, okay. Now Joe Ellen gets a
Speaker 1: FaceTime and in this moment, I feel seen. She gets
Speaker 1: a FaceTime from Nancy, the grandma, and she goes, what
Speaker 1: are we doing? The kids are wide awake. We told
Speaker 1: you to get them down at seven o'clock. Grandparents. When you,
Speaker 1: if you're lucky enough to have parents, just know that
Speaker 1: they love the kids and that they are not gonna
Speaker 1: sleep that well. They're not gonna eat that well. And
Speaker 1: it's just gonna be the grandparents hanging out. That's what's
Speaker 1: gonna happen, right, So, but she says, offhandedly, I can't
Speaker 1: get over what my mother did to me. We'll find
Speaker 1: out more about that. So we find out why Dolores
Speaker 1: and Liz look alike.
Speaker 3: Same plastic surgeon who should be put in jail for
Speaker 3: what he did to their faces.
Speaker 1: You think, oh yeah, oh yeah, wow, yeah, they like
Speaker 1: we said, they're beautiful, but they do look like indigenous people.
Speaker 1: I don't love for what country, But they look like
Speaker 1: they've been here for hundreds of thousands of years. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Kelsey and Rosie, you know the beginning of one hundred
Speaker 1: years of solitude. I would imagine those people. That's what
Speaker 1: he was talking about, Dolores at Lez. Okay, So Kelsey
Speaker 1: and Rosie chat a bit. And Rosie but then we'll
Speaker 1: get a chance to because it's Sparkler time, I know.
Speaker 1: But the little snake that she is, I think that
Speaker 1: she said that Joellen was the person starting the rumor.
Speaker 3: That's right.
Speaker 1: But get in the comments. Let us know. Are you
Speaker 1: excited about this? Do you not want us? We would
Speaker 1: love those comments. Don't do this. Nobody gives a ship.
Speaker 1: Don't care. Let's see you next week. I'm doing thinking
Speaker 1: about pat taking by Guy