Speaker 1: Welcome back, besties. It is mother. I am so excited
to be with you here today. I would love to
see you guys on the road. I have tour dates
February thirteenth and fourteenth in Janesville, Wisconsin. So if you
are in Wisconsin and you don't have anything going on
for Valentine's Day, come hang out with me. Obviously it's
gonna be so fun. And then also I have this
little European tour I'm doing, so March twentieth is London,
the twenty first is Berlin, and the twenty second is Amsterdam,
I think. Don't quote me. Check my site. My all
of my tickets are on there at Britney Schmidt dot com,
Bri T T A n Y s eh M i
TT dot com. And also check out Rena Greenberg's tour schedule.
I am doing pretty much most of her dates. If
you have a question about whether or not I'm doing one,
just DM me. I will get back to you. But
I will be on the road with Rena, so check
out her dates as well. I'm super excited for that.
Without further ado, I am so excited for the guest today.
She is a dear friend, a hilarious comedian, podcast or
actor writer, somebody who I love nadoor and I hope
you guys love this conversation as much as I loved
having it. See you later, besties. I'm so happy you're here.
Speaker 2: I'm so happy I'm here. We haven't done this in years.
Speaker 1: We haven't. Oh, we haven't podcasted since your podcast years ago,
years and years ago. That's wow. We bridged the gap
from hating each other to loving each other.
Speaker 2: Hated you?
Speaker 1: We well, first of all, you had no reason to
hate me. I had a reason to hate you.
Speaker 2: No, I well, I'll tell my story. You tell yourself,
and then you, which is my story? Just to be clear,
it's I realize it what it's not the full truth.
It was just my experience of what was happening.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, so your experience.
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't remember meeting you.
Speaker 1: Six times I didn't, and booking me on a comedy show, yes,
and dming me and okay, yeah.
Speaker 2: So so well, I have some vague recollection of that,
but I only remember the parts of you I remember.
I remember just because there's no comedian that's hot other
than you.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's not true.
Speaker 2: Ni Nikki but like, okay, everyone else whatever. I'm sure
I could come up with a short list of comedians
that are memorable for being how hot, But you're significantly hot,
and I that's almost the only thing I care about.
I'll basically let someone do whatever they're hot. So I
remember you being hot, and then I remember I booked
you on a show in Malibu because the people that
I that wanted the show, I thought they would love
how hot you are great, and I booked you on
that show.
Speaker 1: At this point, have no idea if I've even ever
told a joke, and.
Speaker 2: No, I saw that you were posting jokes, but you
were also doing like an OnlyFans thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah not. At that time, I wasn't.
Speaker 2: Well, I guess I just thought you were a whore.
So then so I booked you on the show, which
was accurate, and I and you. I wasn't at the
show that day, but I booked you.
Speaker 1: At the time.
Speaker 2: It was my fiance at the time, your first was
my first fiance, way and you. But she's kidding, I've
only had one so far, so you, oh, okay, got it?
So you do the show. I think we interacted briefly
being like thank you, here's payment. And then I remember, but.
Speaker 1: At what point do you start hating me?
Speaker 2: I'm gonna tell you. Okay, well I started hating you
because I didn't hate you. I think hat it's a
strong word. But I then saw you again at the
comedy at the improv of the comedy store, the improv,
and you just were given and this was deserved. I
deserved this, but I didn't know this at the time.
You were giving me a nasty, fucking look. And I
don't like when pretty women are well actually, and I
like when pretty women are mean to me. But it
was a bit too mean.
Speaker 1: It's your kink.
Speaker 2: I was like, you're being a little actually nasty. At
this point, you were giving me a disgusting look, and oh,
I said, hi, oh my god, I'm finally meeting you,
and you went.
Speaker 1: No, you didn't say that you're gonna What did I say?
You didn't said Hi, I'm Malley, Nice to meet you.
And I was like, we have met at that point
four times, or talked four times. Okay, here's what kills me.
Speaker 2: Well, so I was okay, yeah, yeah, So I was
not ready to know. And then I was like, you're
a bitch, like I didn't mean to like I'm sorry,
Like I I think about that Millenny joke a lot
where he's like, oh, you're gonna cancel me, I'll kill myself,
And I'm like, you hate me, Like, no one hates
me more than me. So I'm like, you're angry at me,
Like I'll spend all night being angry with myself. I've
been doing that for you know, one hundred.
Speaker 1: Years, whole life.
Speaker 2: Okay. And then this was the issue was that I
was going to dinner after that with Ashley mm hmm
stole time and I get off stage and I'm like
waiting for Ashley, and then I realize you're also waiting
for Ashley, and I was like, oh, my fucking god, Britty,
He's coming to the dinner. And then it.
Speaker 1: Was equally dismayed.
Speaker 2: And then we were both like, well, fuck, we're gonna
have to like bury the hatchet to sit through this dinner.
And then you hear you now compare notes and then
we'll continue, okay on that story.
Speaker 1: Okay, So what actually happened is when you first moved
to LA from New York. I was doing a show
at West Side and you were on the show and
we were in the green room and we were talking
and I thought you were so funny and smart and wonderful.
And I watched your set and I was like, oh
my god, she's like a little firecracker. I'm obsessed with her.
I followed you on Instagram. You followed me back, and
then every time you posted anything, I liked it. I
like went out of my way to be like, she's
so funny. I like everything she's doing. Yes, And then
I just had like this weird feeling, you know how
sometimes you do when you're like, did they un follow me?
Speaker 2: And I don't think I ever followed you?
Speaker 1: You did. I don't unfollow you unfollowed me. You followed
me because we were in the green room together. You
followed me. Maybe you thought it was like a pity
follow or something. I don't know what was going on
in your head at the time. Okay, I thought we
hit it off and I thought you were so funny
and wonderful, and then I followed you. You followed me back,
and then I noticed that you stopped following me, and
I was like, that is I would not unfollow you.
You did, I promise you it was an accident. Okay, Well, no,
what you just like how I'm hoping it.
Speaker 2: Was an I'm hoping it was an accident. The bone
Yang un followed me. Bone, I've been thinking about that.
Speaker 1: Bone were out for blood?
Speaker 2: No, I that feels terrible. It makes you sick to
your stomach.
Speaker 1: It felt terrible. I'm sorry. Yeah, And I was so confused.
But when we did finally become friends, you're like, maybe
I just thought you were like some hot girl that.
Speaker 2: I probably thought I was following like a random whore.
Speaker 1: Thank you, because that's what a lot of people are following.
Speaker 2: Maybe I saw like ass pictures or something and I
was like, who is this? Yeah, and I was like,
why am I following this OnlyFans girl?
Speaker 1: Right? Okay? Cool? Yeah, so I haven't posted ass pics
on my Instagram since like twenty eighteen, so that's not
what happened. But whatever, for whatever reason, you unfollowed me,
and I.
Speaker 2: Was like, it was an accident. That sucks, okay, and
that's terrible about it?
Speaker 1: Oh great, you should. It really hurt my feelings.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: And then you, after and following me, DMed me asking
me to do this show, and so it was like, okay,
maybe she like remembers who I am.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I clearly didn't know you. Clearly how stupid I like,
how out of it I was.
Speaker 1: But you're you're like Chris Gorbo's told me you were funny,
and I was like, we did a whole show together.
We had like a moment in my opinion, in the
green room where.
Speaker 2: Like you clearly And there's a chance because I don't
know anyone whose memory is as bad as yours other
than my grandma who literally has dementia right now.
Speaker 1: I do have a bad memory.
Speaker 2: You could be making this all up because I have
to tell you. You are almost needing to live in
like a facility because of your memory. It's like early onset.
You don't remember anything.
Speaker 1: So there's a chance, which is fun because everything's a surprise.
Speaker 2: No, but it could be the reason you're like fighting
with people and that you know that that's why they
lock those units off because they start fighting with the staff.
They don't remember why they're there. That's kind of how
you're moving through the world.
Speaker 1: Okay, I will give you this. I have a bad memory.
I didn't fuck this one up though.
Speaker 2: Fine, but it is weird that I would message you
and say, Chris Gorbos to me, you're so funny. If
I met you and.
Speaker 1: You fully met me. I didn't invent this situation, like
you're not You're funny and wonderful. Beer not that important
that I would like invent a scenario.
Speaker 2: No, I don't think.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So it was like weird. And then I
was like, maybe I'll see her at this show and
we'll like the magic will be restored. You don't come
to the show, You just like DM me for payment whatever.
And then at this point I'm like whatever, I'm unfollowing her.
Speaker 2: I'm followed.
Speaker 1: Of course I did. Yeah, I was like, I'm done
with you, my god.
Speaker 2: But by the way, it wasn't rude of me to
book you on a show that paid well in Malibu. No, no, no,
You're like pissed at me. See you're doing it again.
You're like, all you did was book me and give
me money. It's like, because I thought you were funny.
Speaker 1: Completely forgot about like the banter we had in the green.
Speaker 2: Like, yes, I forgot about banter we had in a
green room. Who cares me?
Speaker 1: It hurt me?
Speaker 2: By Was this the night actually you remember?
Speaker 3: This?
Speaker 2: Was this the night that you were going to a birthday.
Speaker 1: Party doesn't sound like something I do.
Speaker 2: Were you going to a birthday party with the girl?
Oh god, now I'm gonna get in trouble with this.
Was another girl tattooed a lot?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you were going to a birthday party with her
or someone?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you said something really rude that night. What night
that night that you think we hit it off? We
got in a fight, We got a fight.
Speaker 1: You didn't even remember this night. You're literally making this.
Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure you guys were going to a birthday
party and you asked to go up early to get
to that birthday party. Okay, something I didn't like?
Speaker 1: Well, what was it?
Speaker 2: I can't remember, but I'm sure it was not right?
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
Speaker 2: I don't know were you with Gabby?
Speaker 1: You can't just invent who. You can't invent drava that
never happened. Watch me, watch me rewriting history now to
make yourself the villain, the villain courtrooms.
Speaker 2: I don't fucking know. Do you remember that you were
going over?
Speaker 1: Because I don't have a good memory.
Speaker 2: I remember you were going to a birthday party with her? Okay,
and then I had a problem with it.
Speaker 1: Do you want me to call Gabby. Yeah, see whose
birthday party we might have gone to?
Speaker 2: Yes, please do.
Speaker 1: Let's see she might be getting emergency dental work because
her mouth has infected or something. D Yeah, it's Gabby.
You never know what's going on with her or her mouth. Okay,
your call has been rude. Okay, she's getting an emergency.
Speaker 2: Okay, fine, anyway, okay, anyway, you're inventing it. Then we
go to the jump ahead in time.
Speaker 1: Okay, So then we go to the improv and then
you reintroduce yourself to me. At this point, I had
met you three times and I thought one of the
times was meaningful.
Speaker 2: And you've had a story that we were like, we
fell in love, we broke up, I paid you, you
paid men, had a whole thing. I'm thinking, finally I'm
meeting you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, You're like, hey, nice to meet you. And I
was like, you're a monster. Oh my god, my least
favorite person. Wow. And then we went to that dinner
and then at one point I was talking about this
DJ I was fucking, and you were talking about this
married woman you were fucking, and we're like, wait a minute,
we might be the same. It was a spider man.
Speaker 2: I was like Oh my god, you're bat shit. Yeah,
I'm bat shit.
Speaker 1: And then as the Olive brand, she reached out to
me and you invited me to do your podcast.
Speaker 2: And then it was as close as you can get
to love bombing a friend. It was. It was fucking one.
We did that podcast. You came in high as a
kite from an interaction you had with a man.
Speaker 1: Uh huh.
Speaker 2: You were just over the moon about this guy, and
I was going through a breakup, so I knew. I
was like, oh, I know, getting a hit. When I
see what, I was like, something is good. We were
just like cracking up. You came in like you had
like an emotional hangover. You came in in the hat. Yeah,
you were like I got some stories to tell you.
I found out that you were arrested. I was like,
I'm she's gonna be my best friend or I'm going
to file a restraining order against her. And now it's
like kind of both.
Speaker 1: Yeah, You're like, now I'm leaving here to file a retort.
Speaker 2: And then I just loved you, and we both I
think we're just like not obsessed with the people we
were hanging out with in La or like needed more
people that we loved, and you started biggie. You started
picking me up in your tesla and we would just
like have these long talks, and you started, oh, this
is also what happened. You basically like, did queer eye
on me?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I did you like?
Speaker 1: I did you like?
Speaker 2: We started hanging out and we would go to restaurant.
I actually the first several times we hung out, you
kept getting like hit on by hawkeyes m M. And
I was an amazing wing person for you because I
never want the guy right.
Speaker 1: Well, occasionally I do everyone, but every.
Speaker 2: Once in a while, I'm like, do I But no,
that was happening.
Speaker 1: For those of you listening who don't know, Ali's gay adjason.
Speaker 2: Oh I'm gay. No, I'm gay.
Speaker 1: Do you know the word heater flexible where it's like,
I'm mostly hetero, but yeah, sometimes I'm not y. I
think we should do homo flexible.
Speaker 2: I am homo flexible, but like, I don't want to
give the impression that this is why I don't identify
as bisexual. I'm never gonna be with a man. Seriously,
I'm never going to marry a man, so.
Speaker 1: I don't know that. Every time you say never, it
puts a target on your back for the universe to
that put you in that situation. Okay, you might be
with a man, Okay, this.
Speaker 2: Is conversion therapy. I'm not opposed to like cooking up
with a guy. I do it every wee now and
then again. I just don't identify as by because I
think it's poor mark, poor branding, it's not honest branding.
I'm I really, there's nothing I love more than pussy
well attention. But it's the same thing anyway. I just like,
we started hanging out a lot and we were just,
oh my god, we really it was like a biblical
level hitting it off. And then I was like, okay,
help me do my face. Oh yeah yeah, and you
gave me a list of things to do to get hotter.
And I've been following the regimen and it's been working.
Speaker 1: Listen, this it's a thing she does.
Speaker 3: She's the face fixer.
Speaker 1: I'm not talk no, no, no, I'm just saying there's
it's something I like to do for people I love.
And if I don't like you, I will not tell
you my beauty secrets. Yeah, I will purposefully withhold them
as an act of war. Yeah, because I really, yeah,
I really want everyone I love to look as good
as they possibly can. And I know there's like little,
just little tweaks we can make to make everything like
look a little lighter and brighter.
Speaker 2: Little tweaks. Please. It was over a six pm dinner
at Frieda's and you were like, do the lip, do
the chin, do the face to the eye, grow the
hair out, get a tan your eyebrows. So I was like, okay,
and I'm out come sizzling chick. I okay, great, Brittany, okay,
great at all.
Speaker 1: Word and you've never looked taught her.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. Anyway, you do have like witchy powers.
I do. My sisters do think you're you should actually
read my sister's text to you out loud, because whenever
they text you it's for a specific purpose.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's always. It's always pretty much to put a
curse on someone.
Speaker 2: Your curses work.
Speaker 1: I I'm telling you, I know, I know they were
they listen, they work. They take time because they're not
always to say that they're not curses their karma. And
I think you're trying to curse bad people. The universe
does it. It's not me, you know, it's the face.
I'm just the face of the universe.
Speaker 2: I mean we've but we were. I mean there was
times on face time when you were lighting candles.
Speaker 1: Yeah, listen, I get into oh shit, I might burn
a picture of someone. I don't know. I'm just kidding.
I don't actually do that. But I have only once,
only once, sent out legitimately negative energy to somebody that
you asked me to curse, and I like sat down
and I did it, and it fucking worked. It took time.
Speaker 2: I feel bad about that because now I'm in this
new era of having released.
Speaker 1: Well it's over. I released the curse too.
Speaker 2: Wanted me to release.
Speaker 1: Man, Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 2: You never told me to do that, so right, so
you did it for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so thank you.
Speaker 2: I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: You're so welcome. But anyway you wanted, you know, you're
ex to be obsessed with you And.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm not going to talk about that on the
on podcast in twenty twenty six, psych I I can't.
I'm done with it. It's too much.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, we can be done. Let's talk about how
you're the straight girl whisperer. You're like, I don't know,
you're you're a gay person only interested in straight women,
I feel like you're kind of like, how like you
are too straight women as Jehovah's witnesses to religion, like
you knock on the doors of people who really don't
want it, and then every once in a while someone can.
Speaker 2: I don't know what that is. No, I've tried to
get clear on that as best I can, and I
feel like bad about that now, Like I don't want
that to be my thing. I think I just end up, Yeah,
what is that?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 2: Even this woman recently, this like married woman, I like
they're flirting with me and then I'm like, okay, I'm
not looking for anything serious. And then they're usually.
Speaker 1: Like so cute you married women? Yeah, specifically I just think.
Speaker 2: They're and then I feel bad because I'm collapsing everything.
But like, I just like really feminine women, right, so
married with kids, Like, oh, you're like the peak peak femininity.
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, you're pregnant.
Speaker 2: I like it. I don't know, I just love Yeah,
I like married women with kids, but I don't want
to get in the middle of like a marriage before noon. Yeah.
Speaker 1: No, sometimes you have to know.
Speaker 2: I don't I don't know. I just like I I
it is my type. I've like I've kind of willed
it away, but then it just keeps coming back. I
just think these women that are like, they're like are angels,
and they like they're Oh no, not the ones we're
thinking of.
Speaker 1: What are you talking.
Speaker 2: I'm literally thinking about a woman that you don't know,
because the women that you're thinking about that I hang
out with are actually satanic.
Speaker 1: For angels.
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, not her, No, not her, but this,
like this one woman recently, she's just adorable and her
husband's just not paying her enough attention, and like, who's
gonna come in there and give her attention? Fucking Allie Colbert,
I'm gonna listen to that bitch talk over another glass
of wine. I'll keep listening, I get I honestly like,
yeah I will. These aren't good things to say or
whatever who cares lead me into.
Speaker 1: Do you think the return on investment for how much
you have to listen is worth it?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: No, because.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I know, but that's what we like. To
date women. You have to listen a lot. Yeah, I've
I've heard a lot. I mean I'm tired, especially with
straight women though. And by the way, I'm saying straight
it's like, yeah, how straight are you? That's what this
show is. I mean, like we're hooking up. You can't
be that straight. But like, no, the r OI is
probably bad because people think that the return on investment
would be like if I'm getting a straight woman, eat
me out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that never has not what.
Speaker 2: I'm going for.
Speaker 1: You just like the attention. You just like the attention.
Speaker 2: I just want a woman to sit across from me
and say, if I could run away and start a
life with you, I wish I could, but I can't.
That'll last me about two weeks the high from that. Yea,
you know, I let I just I don't know what
it is.
Speaker 1: I just like your mom's so wonderful.
Speaker 2: I know what is Maybe.
Speaker 1: In another life, maybe you need to get hypnotized and
see what was going on in the last life because
it might have carried over to this one.
Speaker 2: Because it might have because this ship will not give.
Speaker 1: Up and it'll not let us. It also doesn't make
sense because you come from the most wonderful family on
planet Earth.
Speaker 3: There's a huge safety net of going after unavailable married
women like that.
Speaker 2: No, I know that, but I'm not afraid of intimacy,
like I'm down to be engulfed and just pretzel myself,
like I'm not afraid of intimacy. I will just die
for love. Yeah, there's also it's like weird, I like
go after unavailable women and then I'm also just like cruiser,
find me on the cross, I'll be with you, Like
it doesn't make sense. And yeah, my parents love each other,
love all of their children, and I have a shockingly
intact family unit that sounds like my family is gonna
like actually all.
Speaker 1: Die after this. Your family's amazing, Like it doesn't make sense.
Your family is like the only family that gives me
hope that some families are nice to be in.
Speaker 2: My family loves you.
Speaker 1: I love them.
Speaker 2: They're obsessed with you. Oh my god. Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what's wrong with me and straight women.
But like maybe it's also just that I'm not I
don't hang out that much with so many lesbians.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because I'm not a few friends.
Speaker 2: Well I'm not in a fucking you know, motorcycle brigade,
So where am I? So I'm obviously not meeting lesbians
like I. What I meet more is bisexual women. And
no one will stab you in the back faster than
a bisexual woman.
Speaker 1: Why do you say, why do you say that?
Speaker 2: No, I don't know. They're just like, they're just they're wiley.
Speaker 1: I used to say I was bisexual exactly that type
of shit.
Speaker 2: Oh that's what I thought we were gonna go. And
then that makes one of us.
Speaker 1: That literally makes one of us.
Speaker 2: For a second. But then I like got to know you,
and I was like, oh my god, you're too crazy
even for me.
Speaker 1: That's not true. I just wouldn't hook up with you.
And honestly, I think that's a pretty good litmus test,
like if someone won't hook up with you because I
have seen you turn out everyone.
Speaker 2: No, I know, I've seen you turn Ellen Mirron be
on the floor.
Speaker 1: Literally turned the fuck out. So I think, if I'm
not going to turn out for you, I'm not going
to turn out for anyone. Yeah, I would have to
start drinking again.
Speaker 2: No, but we're really close. I get to a point
where like, like one of my best friends in the
world shout out Emily Wickersham. Me you Emily Wickersham, though,
and you should follow Emily. She's a talented actress and
she's beyond stunning, married with kids. I would do anything
to be with Emily. Sorry, badge, that's her husband and
I just but we're so close. And also she's married
with kids. But like I can't even imagine like that
that hasn't stuck in the past. Like, but like I'm
so impossibly close to her. It's like I don't even
know why are we discussing this on the phone. I'm like,
how would I get Emily to leave her family? She's
the best and I fucking love her husband. But a
part of me is just like, she should be with me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she should be with me.
Speaker 3: M hm.
Speaker 2: We should facetimer and ask her.
Speaker 1: Okay, why she won't be with me? Yeah, okay, I
don't have her number.
Speaker 2: Okay, should we do it now?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I don't want to scare her.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, then you should consider that before you FaceTime
her and ask her why she won't leave her family
for you. Fucking Tuesday. No, let's call.
Speaker 2: She's gonna pick up because she's expecting me to talk
to her about something else. Hi, I'm on a podcast.
I'm talking about you. Can I just get your voice
on something for twenty seconds?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 2: Okay, So Emily Wickersham's on the phone, this is the
straight woman that we're too close for me to even
attempt something. Do you think in this lifetime or the next,
there's an opportunity for us to be together? You know
it's possible, Allie. You know you know things about my marriage.
You know what I'm allowed when I'm not. So it's possible.
Oh my god, never mind, I take back everything I said.
I'll see what happens in New York and I'll follow up.
That was a great answer, you know. Oh wow, Oh
my god, you guys, Allie's landing the plane. I can't
not believe this is how the calling did. Okay, I'll
call you later.
Speaker 1: I love you, love you just say I do?
Speaker 2: Yeah and literally, Okay she wants me to over there?
Speaker 1: Yeah? What does she have an open marriage? I don't.
She just said, you know what I'm allowed to do.
Speaker 2: Oh, she's allowed to be with me. Oh I think
cut that bart though. Actually whatever she said it she
said she doesn't have an open marriage. The husband loves me,
and it's like, just have fun with her.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, great, that's great. See people see you as
a not threat.
Speaker 2: They're wrong, they are they're wrong. You want to blow
something up, you try like they did the first time
A nine to eleven ground floor, the ground floor. Yeah,
oh wow, okay, yes, Emily's my girlfriend.
Speaker 1: Now you're off the market.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna like actually handle that when I get back.
Then that's the first thing I'm gonna do. Okay, is Emily.
Speaker 1: That sounded like a threat, But I don't, like I'm
gonna actually handle Jesus Christ, Alan, I don't know if.
Speaker 2: We're so close. This is the issue with women. Women
get so close. Like even when I go on dates
with women, it's like I'm looking at them and I
start looking at their face, like how you would look
at my face. That's fucked up. Women don't do that
with men. They're not like you should an upper bleap.
Speaker 1: Oh, I see, women don't do that with men.
Speaker 2: I don't really think so. Imagine seeing another woman's pussy,
you'd be like, what the fuck? Why is mine a
blooming onion? You would like be confused, that's mine a hatchet?
Do you know what I mean? Like you start you
start having a conversation. Obviously I have literally the tiny
I'm so tiny. My pussy's like, but like I just
think that, like you start comparing. It's like a reflection
of your female form and the type of women I
date who are like, you know, adonisis and I'm like,
I do a joke on stage. I'm like, we're Hitler's
vision board. Yeah, He's like, I wanna go from that
to that. It's like we're a different species. It's hard
for me to be like I'm also a woman, right,
I'm more of like a trans boy, you know what
I mean.
Speaker 1: I understand what you're saying.
Speaker 2: Does your audience like think this stuff is? What is
your audience like?
Speaker 1: I have no idea great or on like episode seven,
we'll figure you find out what happens.
Speaker 3: We'll see some people are getting on the boat and
some people were throwing off.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds just like nineteen thirty nine Berlin.
Speaker 3: We're too dumb of an audience for that.
Speaker 1: I know that it was war times. It was just like
a it was like right before the war, right.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, it was just like a reach for a
World War two joke.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm just sat there and I'm like, everyone was like.
Speaker 1: I know that the wall came down on November eleventh,
nineteen eighty nine.
Speaker 2: Why do you know? It's like my one at one
thing I dated a girl once who had no idea
about anything in history, so I started like quizzing her
on random history stuff every night.
Speaker 1: We obviously broke up, But what would you quiz her?
Speaker 2: I was like when I was like, what who fought
in World War Two?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: Okay, that kind of stuff, and I was like, oh, no,
like stuff like like who was the first president of
the United States?
Speaker 1: Oh wow? And she didn't know that.
Speaker 2: No, do you know who that is?
Speaker 3: George Washington.
Speaker 2: Dated a woman who didn't know I dated a woman
who didn't know that. She didn't know of age.
Speaker 1: She was twelve.
Speaker 2: She was twelve. You're like, cards, come on, I know,
I know, but I will say, I'm just changing topics
because you joked about me dating a twelve year old.
Speaker 1: But I you said twelve.
Speaker 2: You said of age, and then I went, it's all a.
Speaker 1: Joke, guys, everything's a joke. We're fine here.
Speaker 2: After dating all these women who want babies, and when
you date a woman who wants a baby, obviously the
clock is ticking right and that puts a lot of
pressure on the relationship. But sometimes you start feeling like,
do you want to date me or do you want
to just like have a baby, Like it's like interviewing
someone for a job and you're like, you want to
work for the company or you want the benefit one K.
I kind of like, don't know what's going on here.
So I'm very clear with women now, I'm like, I'm
not I don't want kids. I don't want to waste like.
Speaker 1: I don't have a dick, and I can't get you right.
Speaker 2: No, literally, I'm like, I don't want babies, and I
don't want to waste.
Speaker 1: You because you have gone back and pay.
Speaker 2: I don't want babies right now. So I don't want
to waste your twenties, which is why trying.
Speaker 1: To Okay, okay, sorry, butchered it.
Speaker 2: I can't sorry, do it.
Speaker 1: We'll cut it, we'll edit it.
Speaker 3: Go.
Speaker 2: I can't even remember the joke now. Oh the joke
is I say to all these women's I say, I
say to all these women. I say to all these women,
I say, listen, I don't want kids. I don't want
to waste your twenties. And they always are like, ALI,
don't worry, we're teenagers. The sorry, that's why I just
wanted to get the clip.
Speaker 1: Do you want to fight me?
Speaker 2: No? I don't.
Speaker 1: Oh, my god, I but you're a knowing kids.
Speaker 2: Now, I just yeah, I mean if I have a kid,
I'll have one kid, and it'll be with like, you know,
a woman that I am just like paid her to
do it, okay, like like a wife. I just don't
want to be sort of I can't imagine doing it
right now. I like that my house is clean. I
like that. I like that I can sleep. I like
that the money I have goes to me. You've already
lose so much money.
Speaker 1: Dating women, right, and taxes.
Speaker 2: Oh, taxes and women. Yeah, it's terrible. And then I
have to like support a kid. Also, it sucks because
like most kids grow up, they hate their parents, even
when you do a great job. And then it's like,
why am I spending all this money on the stranger?
Speaker 1: Literally I think about that all the time, a stranger.
Imagine having a whole kid, spending hundreds of thousands of
dollars on them, and then like one day they're like,
fuck you.
Speaker 2: It sucks. It sucks. I can't even like I'm not
going to get knocked up. So it's like I'm gonna like.
Speaker 1: You might well am I the way you've been living.
Speaker 2: I haven't been having sex with men.
Speaker 1: I don't lie.
Speaker 2: I haven't been having sex with men one on one.
There's been an other true shut the fucking one. It
was one to four times, and it was a huge mistake.
It was a huge and there was a woman there.
There was a woman there. Okay, there was a woman there.
Speaker 1: Okay, you're not telling the truth.
Speaker 2: But okay, one time I did. Okay, fine, you're right, Okay,
I know, no, you're right. Twice I had sex with
a guy this summer.
Speaker 1: You know that's exciting for guys. The door I cracked open.
Speaker 2: I think I didn't like it.
Speaker 3: Though, doubling the audience.
Speaker 2: Right, why do you me that?
Speaker 3: Look?
Speaker 2: I really didn't like it. I know, I know that's true.
Speaker 1: I know it hurts me.
Speaker 2: Okay, it hurts me, especially because I can't breathe because
they're choking me.
Speaker 1: It hurts me when I start seeing stars.
Speaker 2: It hurts. It hurts me. And I don't like the belt.
Speaker 1: I don't like that I have to jump off the stool.
Speaker 2: I like that, honestly, was I When I watched heeated
Rivalry the gay hockey, yeah, I was like, I want
to have sex with the guy again. Okay, that made
me want to, but then I talk to them.
Speaker 1: I never want to have sex with the man. I
never again. I turned it off after the first.
Speaker 2: Weird like that. Oh, I'm not weird. I remember I.
Speaker 1: Used to be. I used to watch exclusively gay porn men. Yes,
I used to just watch gay that's.
Speaker 2: So lesbian of you. That's what lesbians do.
Speaker 1: No, I don't think so it was so hot.
Speaker 2: I know you don't think so, do they actually?
Speaker 1: Yes, I thought that lesbians and the gays hated each other.
Isn't that a thing?
Speaker 2: No? No, in the streets, in the streets, But lesbians
watch gay mail porn, and straight girls watch lesbian porn,
and gay men are I don't know at Orgy's probably
out not watching porn, and straight men are shooting up schools.
That's usually what happens. That's like what's going on. But
lesbians do like watching gay men porn.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I loved gay porn.
Speaker 2: So maybe you're shutting off your rivalry because you're triggered,
you're getting still turned on. You don't want to know
the truth.
Speaker 1: No, I wish there was a little more plot line,
Like it really felt like I was just watching a porn.
Speaker 2: And I probably pay attention if you put your vibrator away.
Speaker 1: I had to. I have to be careful because I
got addicted to porn, and then I had I had
to stop watching it.
Speaker 2: You always get addicted to stuff, because you're an addict,
I know, and I'm I pray for you every day.
You did get addicted to watching people have sex in
front of you. If you want to come for me
about what's true.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, I I made.
Speaker 2: You made two people have sex in your house and
you watched, and then you and then you called me
and said I actually really enjoyed it. And I said,
you're a cook number.
Speaker 1: Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, let me defend this fetish
because it's new. I think I.
Speaker 2: Don't fucking look at him. Don't look at him. Now,
she's getting all shy.
Speaker 1: Well, it's a weird thing to say out loud.
Speaker 2: We can cut it.
Speaker 1: No, I don't care, I'll talk about it. It's new.
It's like I don't have to do any of the work,
and I get to like witness pleasure. And I think
there's something hot for me, especially about watching a guy
that I like getting pleasured without having to be the
one doing it. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I have a friend that likes that, and then there's
another layer to it where I have such a fear
of being cheated on that I feel like if I'm
cucking and watching it and I'm in that's like my
only way to control it.
Speaker 2: And she filmed it. We're gonna play the tape now, Yeah,
a roll.
Speaker 1: The tape, Mike, did you edit it?
Speaker 2: That's interesting.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So it's like a deeply psychological thing. It's not something
that I've explored in the relationship I'm in, although I've
told him about it. Yeah, and he's like, whenever you're ready,
I'm ready, and I'm like, of course you're ready.
Speaker 2: To that's really interesting.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would love to watch to.
Speaker 2: Me, that's just fun. I don't think I would probably
probably wouldn't be turned on, but I would more so
just be like I love sex. Yeah, so I'm just like, Okay,
if I can be in the room with sex, great,
that sounds exciting. When I've had threesomes and this is
the most neurotic Jewish thing in the world. I truly
am like, are you guys mad at me? Like I
sometimes feel Because there's a third person, so it's easy
to in moments feel insecure one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: I used to when I because I had three sums
a lot when I was popping Molly a lot, and
I would have moments where I would orchestrate the threesome
and then like when he was having sex with the
other girl, I'd be like, well fuck me, then just
walk out of the room and like they'd keep fucking
and I was like, I'd poke back and I'm like,
are you guys gonna keep going? Like and they're like,
your vibe is atrocious.
Speaker 2: So truly I've been like should I leave? Should I leave?
And everyone's like, no, no, this is a threesome.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was like street, that was like cool, cool, No.
But what I did during that threesome was I It
was interesting because when they started hooking up. While I
enjoyed it, I knew quickly I did not want to
have sex with him because of the way he was fucking.
He was fucking like a jack rabbit, and I was like,
not for me. Yeah, So I was like, I was like,
you know, Chris Jenner on the side, like you're doing
amazing sweeting. I like through the lubin I was clappy
at one point, you know, they got wild, they spilled
some wine. I went and got the cleaning supplies.
Speaker 2: That was clear cleaning, and the guy was like, for
fuck's sake, mate, you're cleaning right now? Oh my god,
is that fine?
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, this table will stain.
Speaker 2: You know, that's like my mom cleaning up in the
kitchen while my dad's cooking. That was you during the sex.
Speaker 1: Literally literally and just really, where does this bowl go?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, this is the difference between a
threesome at twenty six and thirty six. Like I'm a
different person.
Speaker 2: You're like the floors, the floors, don't the floor.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like folding their clothes as they take them off.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I have had like this feeling lately of like
I used to talk about this, probably with you, not
on camera, but like how I like could have sex
with someone I hate mm hmm, Like do you know
who I'm thinking? Yeah? Yeah, of course, And like the
sex was amazing, but I was like, I hate this person.
I it's not even hate. I was just like I
don't I'm not like obsessed with them, and right now,
for whatever reason, I just like really want to have
sex with people that someone I'm not really having that sex,
but I'm like, I want to have sex with someone
that I like, really like. Otherwise I'm like not even
getting off as much about it. Yeah, Like and I
don't I don't mean healthy. Yeah, I don't even mean
like it is probably healthy. I don't even mean like
at like orgasmic. I mean like getting excited about it,
Like I just am not. And I used to feel like, oh,
they're so hot, like I would like, I don't even
want to touch someone that I'm not like into what
they're about.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that changed for me too in my
after my divorce, Like in my twenties, I could fuck anyone,
like if they were hot. Yeah, Like I was just like,
oh my god, yeah, look at that body. That's so hot,
that's away ring, that's like whatever whatever. But then I
think as you age, and probably as for me at least,
like when I stop drinking as much, it's like you
do need to be emotionally stimulated by somebody or intellectually
stimulated for it to kind of be excited. You want
to be like feel like you're on the same page
about stuff. You want to feel excited about the person.
I feel like you fucked better, not you personally, but
just in general, Like.
Speaker 2: Well, no, because I have you in watching and judging,
So yeah, you're right, you're really becoming Christian?
Speaker 3: Are you?
Speaker 2: Fuck a lot better when you like the person I'm
looking at the tape?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm running the tapes all morning. I've been watching tapes.
Speaker 2: You hear the Steve Madden of sex stapes and what
they did right there?
Speaker 1: No, I think that's just an adult. That's a normal progression.
Like you just it's less interesting to fuck people that
you don't like. It's weird to hate fuck people. The
older you get, Yeah, I think you're just growing up, babe.
Maybe welcome.
Speaker 2: Maybe. I honestly feel like the most progress I've ever
made emotionally has been this past year because I was
single and I always felt like which we've obviously talked
about endlessly, but like I like needed to be in
a relationship need need need need need, And the second
I like let go of that, or at least just
got more used to being alone, I just a lot better.
Like I didn't realize how much energy I was expelling
on drunk shixaes.
Speaker 1: On drunks drunk shixaes. What's that word?
Speaker 2: Non Jewish girls, non Jewish girl.
Speaker 1: Me, I'm a shicks that it. Yeah, No, you went
like when I met you, you were getting out of
an engagement and then you went into.
Speaker 2: Well I was crazy for a minute.
Speaker 1: You were crazy, but it was fun. It was but
it was a lot of energy. It was you were
expending a lot of energy on a married woman, which
was fun. It was fun. We were having fun. That's
what I'm telling That's what I'm telling myself. We were
having fun. And then it was like kind of that
repeated behavior with other like, yeah, people that were like
just objectively not people you should be giving your energy to.
You gave them all of your energy. Yeah, and you
got into a relationship and that took all of your energy.
And then I think getting out of that relationship is
the first time that you have been able to come
back down to earth like and like feel your feelings
and be present and not rely on women for like
these emotional hits. So I'm really proud of you.
Speaker 2: Thank you. I can tell that you mean that the
other like upside I felt, and maybe you've felt this
for me or not, but like I really feel like
I've become closer with my friends. Yeah, this year yeah, obviously,
like you like your friend, like they get into a relationship,
you lose them a little bit. Yeah, but I've like
never had the chance given myself the chance to like
just like fucking become obsessed with my friends. So I'm like, oh,
I've just transferred my obsession my friends. But like it
feels so good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because friends give it back and they're not going away.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: You know, so I've noticed that, I've noticed you put
a lot more effort into our friendship. But yeah, I appreciate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I think it's all good things.
Speaker 2: That was the most earnest conversation we've ever had ever.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, but I am proud of you and your growth.
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when you abandoned me and you left LA and you
went to New York and how hard I took that.
Speaker 2: So I'm pretty sure you put a spell on me.
Well I didn't, and by the way, it fucking worked,
because that was the most miserable, fucking year of my life.
That was an awful year.
Speaker 1: Well, I told you it was gonna be.
Speaker 2: It was so bad. I was basically dating a girl
that like like was like you live with me and
then on random nights would be like finest place to sleep.
And I was like, Okay, oh she's obsessed with me.
She just has an avoidant attachment. I'm done with avoidant attachment. Yeah,
do you even mean avoidant attach. I love you, so
get the fuck away. Yeah, I'm not dating someone with
avoidant attachment, But.
Speaker 1: Would you rather have anxious attachment? Because you're gonna say,
would you rather have avaids aids, and would you rather
have AIDS?
Speaker 2: I would rather have anxious attach to deal with someone
who has anxious attachment that like at least is aware
of it, because if you love the person, it's not
so difficult to reassure them, even though you.
Speaker 1: Get to say that until you're a couple of years
in and they're suffocating you and you can't fucking breathe.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean fuck, I don't know. Probably still
because the avoidant thing was so it was like dating
so it was really bad.
Speaker 1: It was truly nonsensical. I mean, the way that she
navigated that relationship made absolutely no sense.
Speaker 2: It was bananas. I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1: No one that was less of a fan than me.
Speaker 2: Oh at first, you really liked her, I was lying,
Oh okay, but yeah you did curse my year. It
was a terrible year. It was just rough, and it
was that thing of like I was so addicted to
like getting her to like just like be in the relationship. Yeah,
that like, I wasn't even in the relationship. It was
like the entire time I was like convincing.
Speaker 1: I was convincing real inability to be honest with yourself
or anyone around you about what that relationship was really Like.
I think that's like partially.
Speaker 2: Why we like were not hanging out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we weren't talking too much because I don't think
you could be honest.
Speaker 2: I stopped talking to my family as well.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Do you think though, I mean it just by the way.
Speaker 2: I even wrote in my diary, I was I was
I was lying. No, I was lying in the diary
that the relationship was good. Yea, and I knew sick. Yeah,
and I was so skinny.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you were so skinny. But you really did convince
yourself that it was great. And that was difficult for
me because I could tell emotionally you were never well
when I was always upset when we were and we
barely hung out.
Speaker 2: Remember the time. Wait, she read my diary.
Speaker 1: Yes, she read your diary.
Speaker 2: That was lying. I didn't even tell I've never talked
about this on a podcast. She went through my diary.
Speaker 1: But but what did your diary say? Because you were
saying in your diary. You were also lying? So what
did she get mad?
Speaker 2: Aboutship? By the way, this was like no, this was
like two months in and oh my god, I'm so
glad I remember this because it's such a good story
to tell. I was two months into this relationship and
I don't know what we were talking about. Have you
ever gone through someone's phone? That was like the conversation
we were having, and she actually said something clever. She
was like, yes, I went through my ex boyfriend's phone.
And what I did is I searched my name, which
is a great idea. If you want to love, you
want to life.
Speaker 1: You want to see the most hartful shit anyone said.
Speaker 2: But she saw the boyfriend being like she's the best,
which again he must have been lying, so she did that.
I was like, have I gone through someone's phone? I
was like, no, I haven't gone through some phone. She goes,
would you ever go through someone's diary? And I was like,
uh no. She's like, I would never do that because
it's such bad car It's like a karmically insane thing
to do to go through someone. Sorry, I'm like, I
wouldn't even like touch someone's diary. Yeah, Like that feels
really bad. And then like a week later, she called me.
She's like, so, actually I went through your She goes,
She's like, I'm so sorry, I've been I just opened
the pages to see what they look like because I
liked the diary. I wanted to buy the diary.
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, all right.
Speaker 2: I was like that's insane. Yeah, And she's like, and
I saw in the pages that you wrote that you
missed your ex.
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, we all miss her.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I was like, in this moment of time, we
all miss I was like, yeah, I do miss my ex.
I still miss my ex. Like I just that was
a good relationship. Yeah, Like and also, why are you
reading my diary?
Speaker 1: Yeah? And I maybe act in a way that doesn't
make me miss my ex.
Speaker 2: I know. I remember telling my therapist that, and my
therapist was like, that's beyond fucked up. That's crazy, and
I like kind of even let it go at that
point in time.
Speaker 1: Can we talk about the most fucked up things she
made you do? What kill your dog?
Speaker 2: She didn't make me kill my dog. She I shouldn't.
I was sharing a dog with my ex, and I
absolutely should have let my ex keep the dog I
just should have done on my own time, and she
pressed me to give the dog up while she was
communicating with her ex about his dog literally, which is wild. No,
I actually can pinpoint the exact time that we should
have broken up. Remember at the start of this podcast,
and I said, I'm not talking about this anymore on
the podcast. Yeah, okay, one thing and then I'm not
going to talk about it. But I do remember the
moment that I should have broken up with her, and
I have told myself, I've made a promise to myself
in like early days if you have this feeling like
where you're like this is end there instead of sinking
a whole year. But I'm so bad at that. I'm
usually like I'm the worst. I'm like, let's drag it out.
Another fears no play forward the tape. I was visiting
her in New York and I remember she woke up
because I was living here, and I think I had
been in New York the weekend before for shows, and
then I was back and she was like, I'm going
to brunch, like I'll see you later. Didn't invite me
to the brunch. Fine, whatever goes to the brunch. I
don't hear from her all day. I'm staying with her
long distance relationship. And it's like eight o'clock now, she's
never returned home from the brunch.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, she loves the bottomless brunch. That girl
loves what drink. I'm fresh out of fucking Mimosa's.
Speaker 2: Still she's still at the brunch.
Speaker 1: She's still there.
Speaker 2: She came.
Speaker 1: The Bottomless Mimosas ended on Sunday. It's Wednesday.
Speaker 2: She goes, I text her. I was like, Hey, I'm
gonna go get dinner with my friends if you want
to come, Like, where are you?
Speaker 1: She's like, I ass up in the Hudson River. She's like,
I'm ass up in the huts. And she's like, I'm
floating out a cork from the one from the champagne.
Speaker 2: She goes, I'm with my friends. I didn't think we
had plans tonight.
Speaker 1: I'm from with the year.
Speaker 2: I'm staying at your apartment. I'm with you. I should
have known. I should have been like right then, I
was with my sister, My fucking rider. My sisters are
they not best?
Speaker 1: I only really know Sammy.
Speaker 2: Jackie's the fucking best. She's just married. Yeah, yeah, she's
just like an adult with like.
Speaker 1: It only had me do one curse. Yeah, she's only
had me do one on the other.
Speaker 2: Hand, and Jackie was like, I'm not into this going
to her place and take your ship and leave. Yeah,
And we went to her apartment and I was about
to leave and then she called me. I was like,
I'm sorry, I'm coming back now. And then she and
I was like Jackie was like, great, here we go again.
She came to the apartment and she was like, what
do you want to do? Like, you're killing my vibe.
I think she was like doing coke in this like
girl's house for like course hours and then was just like,
why are we hanging out? And I was like, I
don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1: You're killing my vibe. It's what she said to you
on a Sunday night. At night, it was like.
Speaker 2: It was like a Saturday and I guess she wanted
to do coke in the afternoon, which like, okay, more
power to fine, but like just text, send a text
and I and but it was so much gaslighting that
I was like, I guess I'm crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you have anything you're excited about this year?
Speaker 2: I think this is going to be a good year.
I would run it back on twenty twenty five if
I could.
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty five was a really fun year for you
and you only is that true. No, I had a
pretty good twenty twenty five. It wasn't bad, but it
wasn't good twenty five. You had a unbelievable twenty twenty five.
Speaker 2: I fucking slam dunk.
Speaker 1: You slam dunk. I wish we could talk about the
things you did, but we can't. And I just would
say that there's been no more satisfying rebound in the
history of rebounds than what you've been up to.
Speaker 2: We joke that God was looking down on me and said,
let's just make it funny now. Yeah, let's just have
fun with it. Yeah yeah, yeah, And we were like,
let's get weird. Yeah. It was great, and I think
twenty six is going to be very good.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be great because.
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna hang out with people.
Speaker 1: That suck, Okay, so we're going to stop anything.
Speaker 2: I honestly, I just want to be single.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: It's been fun, not even in like a dating way.
I just like want to do my own thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which feels good, which is single, which is being single.
It's just being single.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I meant like I don't want to like
aggressively date.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm on the opposite track of that.
Speaker 2: Why don't we talk about you? That's not you're moving?
Speaker 1: I know I moved.
Speaker 2: What are you doing?
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: But have you talked about this on the podcast They're Moving? Yeah?
Speaker 3: I have.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I think I've been so sick of LA for so long,
and really since post divorce, I've just felt very untethered.
And I think some of the friendships that I had here,
including ours, made me feel grounded to LA. But then
you left New York and then you know, I had
another meaningful friendship obviously dissolve, and like, I just feel
very untethered here. And I kind of was calling in
New York for a while, like I was like, I
think I want to move to New York. And then
I went there, met a guy there obviously, and we're
going to go to Palm Beach. But I think I'm
going to be spending a lot of time in New York. Yeah,
Sylvan told me I'm going to be spending a lot
of time in New York.
Speaker 2: Okay, do they know who Sylvana is Sylvan.
Speaker 1: Yeah, everyone knows Sevan's the guy that saved my dad's life.
He came to my going away party, by the way,
which was so funny. It's like, you know, just a
few of my friends and then Silvan just walks in.
He has like such an essay about him. He's this
old Jewish man. Yeah, what are those little girls called?
Speaker 2: Uh? Talas?
Speaker 1: Talas?
Speaker 2: So I'm excited for you to be in New York
quite a bit. I feel like you're gonna be in
New York a lot. We did watch members only the
Palm Beach reality show to prepare Brittany for taking over
the Palm Beach scenes. So all of you peebee housewives,
watch your fucking back. She wanna take your man.
Speaker 1: She's gonna take your man.
Speaker 2: No, it was crazy pom Beaches. Palm Beach is of
course where Donald Trump hangs out because it's rich people
that like don't know how to be rich.
Speaker 1: It was so funny. This woman on that shows on
the show, right, the one on the show was like
the presenting herself is this huge real estate mobile. She
has all this money and she's like, well, if this
doesn't sell, I'm gonna have to liquidate assets, and.
Speaker 2: We're both like, you're not rich, they're like fake rich.
Speaker 1: You're like upside out on your finances. You're in the red.
Speaker 2: It was so weird, yea, so weird.
Speaker 1: And the fashion sense atrocious. That's where my beauty broker
moves are gonna come in. I'm gonna be like, listen,
I'm gonna ship you all off.
Speaker 2: You're like Palm Beach, we're doing monotones this year. Yeah,
Palm Beach er mono, monochrome, monochrome. Yeah, you like you're
gonna need to like whip out some like fu shot
for this town.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not. It's brutal.
Speaker 2: No, I'm not going to Okay, I don't.
Speaker 1: I can't, Yeah, I can't, But you know I didn't.
What's it called when you flip over? I didn't change
in La, like I am not going to change in
Palm Beach. What's assimilate? Assimilate it's a good word. It's
not the word I was looking slip over. No, but
you know, like convert, convert, what are you saying? That's
you're you're along the lines, You're not. You didn't get
the exactly what I want to slip over me No,
but you were right. Yeah, you're right. I didn't do
in La. I don't think i'll do it there. You know, Yeah,
you're not going to flip over there. I'm not going
to flip over.
Speaker 2: Don't flip over. You might roll over. You might be happy.
Speaker 1: I think I will.
Speaker 2: I told the possibility that you are you going to
get knocked up? No, you're sure about that? Yeah, I
don't know about that.
Speaker 1: I have an idea. Why does everyone keep saying that?
Speaker 2: Did he say it?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 2: He did.
Speaker 1: Pregnant told me that's all he told me in my
last reading. What I see a baby?
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think you're gonna get pregnant, Like.
Speaker 1: If you don't use precaution a bit bit. I'm like,
we don't have time for a bait.
Speaker 2: I think you're gonna get We don't have time for
What are you going to be doing in Palm Beach
other than getting pregnant going to New York. You're gonna
get pregnant. You have to raise that kid in pump Beach.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not.
Speaker 2: I don't know about that.
Speaker 1: I'm not ready to be a mom.
Speaker 2: Well you're as ready as you're ever going to be, said.
Speaker 3: Every person who became a mom.
Speaker 2: No one's ever. Don't you want a baby? You used
to say you really wanted a baby.
Speaker 1: I really wanted a baby after my divorce because I really.
Speaker 2: Wanted a baby from that guy that you would not
stop texting anyway?
Speaker 1: Yeah, should we see see what he's up to. I'm
not going to do that?
Speaker 2: What is that?
Speaker 3: I do?
Speaker 1: Word of the week Okay, every episode?
Speaker 3: Okay, I didn't know, just checking out of the pod
to start reading.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like, you're like, I'm prepared.
Speaker 1: I'm prepared. I have a book. Okay. Do you know
the word all these words that's loquacious?
Speaker 2: Yes, you do, of course?
Speaker 1: What do you mean? Of courseus aquacious adjective? What is that?
What does it mean?
Speaker 2: It means.
Speaker 1: Give me a hint something. We've been doing this whole episode.
Speaker 2: Just talking on our ass.
Speaker 1: Yeah, extremely talkative, someone prone to nervous chatter could be
said to be loquacious. Look at us, we're both liquations.
I knew that word though, No you didn't.
Speaker 2: Yes, I did give me another one. I basically did.
Would you have guessed that?
Speaker 3: Talking as I know?
Speaker 2: But I got a new.
Speaker 1: Cha chatter Okay, recalcitrant.
Speaker 2: God damn it. I like know all of these halfway recalcitrant, recalcitrant,
c A L C I T R A N T recalcitrant, recalcitrant.
Speaker 1: It's an adjective.
Speaker 2: What does it mean?
Speaker 1: Mm hmm someone who doesn't love well, I'm just gonna
give you the definition resistant to authorities. One who has
difficulty working under it and superior could be said to
be calcitrin Did you.
Speaker 2: Actually I've heard the word. I've never used it.
Speaker 1: Okay, you want one more?
Speaker 2: I would like one more. Okay. Reconnaissance like getting recon
like retaliating.
Speaker 1: Reconnaissance now a search of an area made for the
purpose of gaining information likely to yield military advantage. Reconnaissance
is borrowed from the front.
Speaker 2: So does that mean gather? Can I see it?
Speaker 3: It was what you thought it was, gathering.
Speaker 1: Gathering, gathering intel.
Speaker 2: Okay, retali Yeah, okay, that's kind of what I thought.
The pilot knew that a reconnaissance mission retaliate.
Speaker 1: Okay, I was right, Elie, When did you come out?
Speaker 2: I was half right. I cried uh in on vacation
in Belize, over breakfast, over a breakfast buffet of my
parents that I might be bisexual in twenty thirteen.
Speaker 1: Oh it took you a while.
Speaker 2: I mean I was twenty Oh okay.
Speaker 1: Twenty thirteen. What was I doing? That's when I was
a bisexual.
Speaker 2: Really, when I was.
Speaker 1: An active bisexual?
Speaker 2: What does that mean?
Speaker 1: I was hooking up with women who I thought you
worked up with one woman. I hooked up consistently with
one woman from like ninth grade until literally when I
got married twenty seventeen, and we.
Speaker 2: Just kept having sex with her.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but we would have to be drunk, like I
couldn't do it sober. We never hooked up sober, and
you were eating her out?
Speaker 2: What the fuck? I don't get straight girls. Yeah, why
were you doing that? Well?
Speaker 1: I started hooking up with her because my parents were
so strict and won't let us leave the house. But
we started drinking and we wanted to like hook up,
hook up, so we started. My first threesome was with
two girls.
Speaker 2: Did you like it?
Speaker 1: I was so drunk, I don't really remember.
Speaker 2: Okay, did you ever have sex with her sober?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Do you have any memory of having sex with Oh?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, lots, but.
Speaker 2: Like fuzzy, No, not really, So you were really drunk.
Speaker 1: But remember Yeah, I could drink heavily and remember a lot.
Speaker 2: Is that an alcoholic thing?
Speaker 1: Yeah? It started. My memory started to go when I
started doing like coke and molly. When I started mixing
chemicals with booze, That's when my memory of situations would
leave me. But yeah, I hooked up with her consistently,
and then I have had like multiple threesomes. I've had
multiple situations where I got drunk and hooked up with girls.
Speaker 2: And was it ever romantic with her?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: We love each other as friends. We still see each
other all the time, but it was never.
Speaker 2: But you never had like butterflies. No, was it ever
like are we gonna hook up tonight?
Speaker 1: No? I only felt that way once about one girl
I went to.
Speaker 3: So.
Speaker 1: I was supposed to go to ASU. Did you know this. No,
my mom stole my college fund so I couldn't go.
But I went to the orientation at ASU Stone Cold
So and I saw this girl and I was like,
I love you, Like she was so beautiful and so
like I was like into her, like very very into her,
And it kind of confused me because I never felt
that way sober. Yeah, but I've never felt that way
about a woman sent did you hook up with her?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: I I tried. I gave her my number and she
never texted, So I have no idea what happened to her.
Speaker 2: Wow, but that really Like, but that didn't rattle you
because you were like okay with it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because also she didn't do anything to you, know.
Speaker 2: Like you've never had that feeling since, not with a woman. Fascinating. Yeah,
it's so interesting that you can have all these sexual
like I hear this obviously from straight women, way more
than I hear it from s treatment if ever obviously,
but of just like being able to have tons of
sexual experiences with women and you're like, no, I love them,
they're my friends.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, like really wow, Yeah, I think that means
I'm we're both straight.
Speaker 2: I know, but a lot of straight women wouldn't eat
their friends out.
Speaker 1: Well they're no fun. Well a lot of straight women
need to try drinking an entire bottle at Jamison, see
what might happen?
Speaker 2: I mean wild? Yeah, So but you when did you
drop the bisexual label? Because you realize you were writing
checks you can't cash.
Speaker 1: And literally, so when I got divorced, I tried on
the apps to go for women and men too.
Speaker 2: Much milk sometimes in these ice coffees. Okay, just saying
I don't need milk on ice, Okay, continue, good thing.
Speaker 1: We got that up. I when I got divorced, I
tried dating both and I was talking to these girls
and it just felt really forced. I was just like,
I don't think I'm gay.
Speaker 2: I don't want to talk to you.
Speaker 1: And like literally I had this thought of like, what
am I going to sit there and listen to this
girl talk about.
Speaker 2: Who God knows what her friend. Girls always want to
talk about her friends.
Speaker 1: God knows what. Yeah. So I was just like, yeah,
I don't. I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't listen to these bitches.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then I realized I just had the realization.
I'm like, I'm not it's just a drunk And when
I was drunk, I eat anything.
Speaker 2: But don't you hate listening to men too? Sometimes I'm like,
oh my god, this is even worse.
Speaker 1: They're both terrible well men, I think communicate.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 1: Okay, So what I didn't like in my marriage was like, Chris,
who I love? Adore?
Speaker 2: I thought you were gonna say. What I didn't like
in my marriage was Chris.
Speaker 1: What's Chris? Chris? No? He was great, but he has
these hobbies that he's like super interested in that I
could not give a fuck about, like cars, southern rap, like,
but he would like get into these conversations with somebody
who he should have gotten into with somebody who like
gave a fuck. Yeah, But I just sit there and
like dissociate. So that was tough because I thought it
would end like I thought he would finally like get
the clue that I didn't like it or care, but
our whole marriage, he would talk about Southern rap and no,
I just was like, uh huh uh huh uh.
Speaker 2: But that's something that happens in straight relationships that I
don't think happens as much in lesbian religiship what women
just their men are like off doing something and they're
like I don't give them. I don't always I usually
feel that women are clear about they're like I don't
want to hear that anymore, and oh my god, I'm
so sorry. Okay, yeah, that won't happen again, right, but continue.
Speaker 1: Maybe it is something it's a page should take out
of your book because it's like I don't want to
waste my life pretending to care.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, yeah.
Speaker 3: Just like how sometimes girls think I'll fix them, Guys
think maybe Yeah, like a dumb fuckingbrary.
Speaker 2: Wait, so he talking about cars and you were like,
I hope this ends, and then you left to get
it to stop.
Speaker 1: And I left the marriage and stopt talking to the cars. No,
he's just talking about it divorce. Actually, No, his new
girlfriend he met at the Motoring Club, which is a
car club. She's super into cars and motorcycles. This is perfect, amazing,
he met who he should be with. Yeah, and she
will never be bored of that conversation. So that's great.
Speaker 2: Do you find something now with your current boyfriend that
you can't stand that he talks about strippers?
Speaker 1: Strippers? I hate that he asked me to go to
strip clubs all time. No, aside from that, No, he
really is just a degenerate gambler, and so gambles gambles
a lot.
Speaker 2: You've never told me that.
Speaker 1: Really, it's ninety eight percent of his personnel and what
sports sports betting.
Speaker 2: Brittany, You've never said that to me. Really, that's why
he's like cheats and monopoly. Yeah, I know, Oh my god,
he's an addict.
Speaker 1: He's an addict.
Speaker 2: Wait, Brittany, that makes sense. What team does he bet on?
Speaker 1: It does not matter all. That's how gambling works.
Speaker 2: Oh, he's just always betting a lot of money.
Speaker 1: No, it's like twenty bucks, never more than one hundred usually,
So it's like fine, he has it at.
Speaker 2: Bay, but he likes it.
Speaker 1: He likes it when he wins it, and then he
hates it when he doesn't.
Speaker 2: And you know he's illegal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sport betting.
Speaker 2: Do you like a bookie app?
Speaker 1: This is how he got into it. He does like
DraftKings now. But he got started when he was twelve
because he had a driver and his driver would pick
him up and would be on the phone with a bookie.
And then he started gambling with his dad and the driver.
Speaker 2: That's funny. And then yeah, that's kind of cute.
Speaker 1: It's funny. And then the but i mean the dad
kind of handicapped him a little bit because if he won,
he got to keep the winnings, but if he lost,
it was like whatever. Yeah, but I'm like, that does
not prepare anyone for the real world at all, where
when you lose, you fucking lose.
Speaker 2: Because the dad was it was the dad's money because
he was twelve.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Oh, that's adorable.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really a cute way to start.
Speaker 2: Ye way, that's how Drew Barrmore started drinking, Yeah, and
doing cod.
Speaker 3: That's what if you're rich, Maybe it is the way
to prepare for the real world.
Speaker 1: Maybe that is the way they get to prepare.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Okay, driving in the private car.
Speaker 2: As a child, that is really funny. Yeah, okay, Yeah,
some men that do that. I don't. I find that
a bit strange when men gamble on sports.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like thenation. No, it's a huge red flag
when I'm a bull and each of men. You don't
like that age group of men. No, No, I don't either.
Speaker 3: It might get out of him. Gambled in my early twenties,
and I was so over it by like by like
twenty five.
Speaker 1: Just bed eight dollars on a football fantasy football.
Speaker 3: Okay, fantasy football is different. I pay fifty dollars once.
Speaker 2: You just sent eight hundred dollars two days though.
Speaker 1: No you want it.
Speaker 3: I won eight hundred dollars.
Speaker 2: You've been a few days ago on fantasy football. My
shut up, shut up exactly. This is what I talking
about with men.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is literally they lie.
Speaker 2: They lie about everything. I don't know why. You don't
have to lie about they lie. They tell me it's different.
You don't understand. You don't get me they do this.
Speaker 1: You don't get it. Its fans, don't get it.
Speaker 2: That's not real football. That's fake football. It's not even
you don't even know what I'm about. I'm like, Mike,
Yeah right, this is what we can hope he gets
out of gambling. Who'll go into podcasts? Terrible? The worst
career path in the history have ever podcasting podcasting men
with podcasts. This guy went from gambling to podcasting.
Speaker 3: Podcast collect the money from the people.
Speaker 1: Mike, of course, not oh Mike, say.
Speaker 2: That, guys, if you want to date Mike, very funny,
good sense of humor has apparently limited his gambling. Now
it's only fantasy football. He's available. He's wearing gorgeous Nike
shoes I love that soft blue the reality and a
sports jacket and a sports jacket, so he's a catch.
Mike's up for the taking, and eight hundred dollars in
the green.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's.
Speaker 3: So.
Speaker 2: A nice date is on the menu.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Football is the way men talk to the same eight
people from high school still or else We wouldn't communicate.
It's like paying fifty dollars to stay in the group
chat for sixteen weeks a year, and then we don't
talk to each other for the rest of the entire year.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so not for me. I don't like anyone from
high school. Okay, I love you so much. Can you
tell everyone where they can follow you? Where you're on tour? Everything?
Speaker 2: I am opening for Hannah Burner actually all year, all year,
well for the rest of the tour. Maybe there's a
few shows that I'm not doing, but I'll They're on
my website. I'm at Ali Colbert on everything a L.
I Colbert with a K. Please follow me on Instagram
because it's really the only thing that brings me joy.
It's that's the only time I feel anything. And if
you're a married woman, and if you're if you're confused
about your sexuality, damn me.
Speaker 1: Confusing.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for you.
Speaker 1: I love you so much. Okay, bye, My last year