WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:06.480 Rain tapped at the bedroom windows, an uneven rhythm that 2 00:00:06.559 --> 00:00:08.599 made ME think of all the Saturday's Lena and I 3 00:00:08.759 --> 00:00:11.320 used to spent tangled up under the comforter, ignoring alarms 4 00:00:11.320 --> 00:00:13.439 and dead lines, one of us always finding a way 5 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:16.960 to justify another hour together. Now the covers were smooth 6 00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:19.679 and cold beside me. My eyes blinked, picking up the 7 00:00:19.679 --> 00:00:21.879 blur of early light filtering through the gray. But what 8 00:00:21.960 --> 00:00:24.120 woke me for good was the Zipperlina, using her back 9 00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:26.519 back clothes careful, as if she hoped I'd sleep through 10 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:29.800 her retreat. She moved around the room of practice silence. 11 00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:33.079 The sound of her butts, new stiffer than her old sneakers, 12 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:36.640 disturbed the floorwards. She tugged the laces tighter, as fixed 13 00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:38.840 on a spot on as she could see. I let 14 00:00:38.880 --> 00:00:41.200 my breathing stay slow, just to watch her a moment. 15 00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:44.880 The sight of Lena in technical fabric were still strange. 16 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:46.880 She used to joke that she would only wear moisture 17 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:48.920 wicking shirts if someone paid her, But lately it was 18 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:51.039 like a different version of her had taken up residence. 19 00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:53.960 All stream mined, monochrum, hair cought back in a low 20 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:56.399 buried her features set in a kind of purposeful piece. 21 00:00:57.079 --> 00:00:59.640 Maybe a purposeful was the word for the whole transformation. 22 00:01:00.359 --> 00:01:03.280 She moved with intent now instead of the sleepy chaos 23 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:05.879 I'd always loved. My phone buzzed on the knights in 24 00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:08.159 de Morgan's ridiculous Old CAP's meme of a cat working 25 00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:10.599 from bed, and Lena startled, looking at me over the 26 00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:13.879 bed's edge. Sorry if I woke you, she whispered, as 27 00:01:13.920 --> 00:01:15.760 if she wasn't the one packing at six thirty on 28 00:01:15.799 --> 00:01:17.480 a Saturday in the room we used to claim was 29 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:21.079 arsanchiri from any one's schedule. I stretched, making a show 30 00:01:21.120 --> 00:01:25.120 of waking up hiking again. She gave a light, apologetic laugh. 31 00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:27.840 Rain supposed to let up by ten, good weather, for 32 00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:30.680 it actually fewer people. She oysted, her pack on to 33 00:01:30.760 --> 00:01:33.879 her shoulders. You sure ye don't want to come? She 34 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:37.000 looked at me then, with those wide, careful eyes. Her 35 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:39.879 tone was playful, but the invitation didn't sound real. For 36 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:41.959 months now this had become a kind of dance, me 37 00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:44.959 volunteering to join her. How deflicting with that same gentle logic. 38 00:01:45.760 --> 00:01:48.640 Solo hikes are my therapy, babe, she'd say, it's my 39 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:52.560 only quiet these days. That morning. I tried again. If 40 00:01:52.599 --> 00:01:54.799 ye want company, I can snag my boots. We haven't 41 00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:56.599 done a proper trail together in a well, you know, 42 00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:00.640 Lena smiled. Something strange flickered behind it. You die on 43 00:02:00.719 --> 00:02:02.760 these clients. I need to clear my head, just me 44 00:02:02.840 --> 00:02:05.640 and my podcast. Que Rain's not really your thing, right. 45 00:02:06.359 --> 00:02:09.400 Her lips brushed my forehead, quick and light, already tasting 46 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:12.319 of distance. I'll bring you back a pastry or something 47 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:16.240 a few months ago. Weekend belong to us, routine and 48 00:02:16.280 --> 00:02:19.159 a thousand tiny joys, even if detts hovered and Lina's 49 00:02:19.159 --> 00:02:22.360 worked demanded every scrap of her ambition. She'd always grumbled 50 00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:24.400 about the time she lost distress, book, our e mails, 51 00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:27.319 group texts, the expectations of a sales firm that measured 52 00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:31.159 loyalty in ours as much as numbers. But hiking Lina 53 00:02:31.159 --> 00:02:33.400 would pass or make a show of roughing it with me, 54 00:02:33.560 --> 00:02:36.240 just for laughs. I was the one who took photos 55 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:39.680 of weird lichen and river rocks. Her idea of nature was, 56 00:02:39.879 --> 00:02:42.360 as she often said, dining al fresco with the racetant 57 00:02:42.360 --> 00:02:45.280 three bars of Wi Fi. I dragged myself up, following 58 00:02:45.319 --> 00:02:48.400 her to the door. Raindrops streaked the hallway window, painting 59 00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:51.199 the light on her jacket and watery silver. Lina was 60 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:53.639 already half way out before she paused, looking back, as 61 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:56.439 if trying to remember a ritual she'd forgotten. You'll get 62 00:02:56.439 --> 00:02:59.319 your miles in editing, right, she joked, then ducked her 63 00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:01.560 head and left the foe or I could reply. For 64 00:03:01.639 --> 00:03:04.400 several minutes, the apartment felt airless, as though the shemid 65 00:03:04.439 --> 00:03:07.479 silence after her departure was itself a question. This is 66 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.439 just what people meant by growing in new directions? Or 67 00:03:10.520 --> 00:03:12.599 was it something else, something she was not saying. The 68 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:15.159 silence in her explanations deeper than the quiet she claimed 69 00:03:15.159 --> 00:03:17.879 to need. I went to the kitchen, made coffee I 70 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:19.840 didn't want, and tried not to read too much into 71 00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:23.759 an empty Saturday. There'd been nothing dramatic, no fights, no 72 00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:27.159 slam indoors, no cruel words. She had said she needed 73 00:03:27.159 --> 00:03:29.439 the hikes for her mental health, especially after her father's 74 00:03:29.479 --> 00:03:31.919 diagnosis and the way her new firms showed through its staff. 75 00:03:32.439 --> 00:03:35.759 I believed her, or wanted to stelle. I caught myself 76 00:03:35.800 --> 00:03:38.439 counting the little changes as afforditing signs from a letter 77 00:03:38.479 --> 00:03:41.479 I hoped would balance out Our history made this tension 78 00:03:41.520 --> 00:03:45.400 more confusing, not less. We'd been married six years mad 79 00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:48.080 as junior employees at the digital marketing agency before Lena 80 00:03:48.080 --> 00:03:49.960 made the lead to sales and I stumbled into a 81 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:53.599 patchwork of freelance design gigs. Lina was magnetic. She had 82 00:03:53.599 --> 00:03:55.759 that risk skill of turning her room her way with 83 00:03:55.879 --> 00:03:58.280 just the story, and she made friends everywhere, from the 84 00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:00.879 line at the co op to business lunches with CEO types. 85 00:04:01.560 --> 00:04:03.080 It was one of the first things that drew me 86 00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:06.240 to her, that wild, contagious energy. Compared to her, I 87 00:04:06.280 --> 00:04:08.879 sometimes felt half formed, too anxious, too hesitant to take 88 00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:11.919 risks that didn't come with the blueprint. She couldn't sit still. 89 00:04:11.960 --> 00:04:14.360 I built my career around finding beauty in the ordinary, 90 00:04:14.439 --> 00:04:17.519 slow days. The only time she was ever quiet, ever 91 00:04:17.600 --> 00:04:20.199 truly content to be still, was with me, or so 92 00:04:20.360 --> 00:04:24.279 I thought. Our life together was constructed around small, stubborn rituals, 93 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:26.800 the Friday night movie marathons, even when we debad for 94 00:04:26.839 --> 00:04:29.720 an hour about went to stream cooking elaborate meals, only 95 00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:31.560 to end up eating cheese and crackers on the porch 96 00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:33.519 because neither of us wanted to clean pans at two 97 00:04:33.519 --> 00:04:36.600 in the morning. My best memories were those semi impromptu 98 00:04:36.600 --> 00:04:38.720 camping trips when I Draggline out of bed at fave 99 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:41.360 m for a trail at somewhere, bribing her with coffee 100 00:04:41.360 --> 00:04:43.519 in the promise of rare birds or sunrise she'd grown 101 00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:46.600 about but secretly enjoyed. It was easy to believe we 102 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:50.040 were invincible during those early years, even the bad months 103 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:52.319 when my clients would vanish and rent felt like a threat, 104 00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:54.439 Lena would PLoP herself next to me on the living 105 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:57.160 room floor spread she spread out, telling me we'll figure 106 00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:00.240 it out, and we always did. When her when it 107 00:05:00.319 --> 00:05:02.399 came those weeks when just opening her and books made 108 00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:04.240 her crowd, I was the one who banned electronics at 109 00:05:04.240 --> 00:05:06.839 dinner and drew the line in the sand as first work. 110 00:05:06.959 --> 00:05:10.399 Second when her father's diagnosis arrived, I watched her job 111 00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:13.519 a hospital visits with breaking cordially records, saw her sleepless 112 00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:15.439 resolve how should vanish into the bath room for late 113 00:05:15.519 --> 00:05:17.920 night calls with her mother? If I asked how she 114 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:19.920 was holding up, should simply say it helps having you 115 00:05:19.959 --> 00:05:22.879 to come home to if I'm honess, Though, I started 116 00:05:22.879 --> 00:05:24.519 to feel like maybe I didn't fit lean as well 117 00:05:24.600 --> 00:05:27.160 as neatly as before. Her new company had a kind 118 00:05:27.160 --> 00:05:30.519 of cult energy. They all worked hard, played hard, celebrated 119 00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:33.800 whens over top as and bottomless Mimosas she started coming 120 00:05:33.800 --> 00:05:35.800 home with jokes about work famb and tech bros with 121 00:05:35.800 --> 00:05:40.000 startup world stamina. The inside reference is multiplied Suddenly, just 122 00:05:40.040 --> 00:05:42.600 me and my team, or you wouldn't get at sales weirdness. 123 00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:45.720 I like some of her colleagues well enough, occasionally joined 124 00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:48.120 her for after work drinks, where I'd hover at the perimeter, 125 00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:51.720 smiling at stories I only half understood. My own social 126 00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:54.839 circle was Luci Morgan, my oldest friend who relish gossip 127 00:05:54.839 --> 00:05:57.120 and painted for non profit auctions, plus a handful of 128 00:05:57.160 --> 00:05:59.920 design budd is scattered across different cities, Group DM Banter 129 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:03.920 place of any real community. We'd both sidestep messy family drama, 130 00:06:04.040 --> 00:06:06.639 each choosing to draw a boundaries wider where our marriage 131 00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:09.199 could be its own island. Well, that's what I wanted 132 00:06:09.199 --> 00:06:11.480 to believe until lately, when the island felt more like 133 00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:14.560 a sandbar, shrinking with every incoming tide. It wasn't just 134 00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:18.480 the hiking. Lena's days became more subdivided. Appointments stacked new 135 00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:22.120 hobbies discussed in passing but not explained a yoga retreat 136 00:06:22.120 --> 00:06:24.480 with her office one weekend, a one has challenged the 137 00:06:24.519 --> 00:06:27.600 next her phone was never far away, now screened down 138 00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:31.120 on the table, notifications pulsing in a private code. I 139 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:33.000 tried to let it go, told myself it was new 140 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:36.439 stresser's new habits, nothing more. It's easy to ignore the 141 00:06:36.480 --> 00:06:38.920 first warning signs in someone you trust, because why would 142 00:06:38.920 --> 00:06:41.040 you mistress the one person who's always been your tether. 143 00:06:41.800 --> 00:06:44.759 Still it gnawed at me sitting in oliving room listening 144 00:06:44.759 --> 00:06:46.600 to that tea kettle shriek. Aline used to yank it 145 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:49.759 off the stove, announcing, you're killing the mellow vibe, Alex. 146 00:06:49.800 --> 00:06:51.560 But I felt the edges blurw what was ours in 147 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:54.079 what was now hers alone. Maybe I was the one 148 00:06:54.079 --> 00:06:56.839 failing to adapt, letting insecurity write the story before it 149 00:06:56.879 --> 00:06:59.879 even finish being written. I'd almost convince myself none of 150 00:06:59.920 --> 00:07:02.639 it mattered until the afternoon at the brewery. If I 151 00:07:02.680 --> 00:07:04.680 had known them what one of fine joke would kick loose, 152 00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:07.600 maybe I'd have stayed the conversation some as safer. It 153 00:07:07.720 --> 00:07:10.079 was the quarter leap up kroll an excuse for Lina's 154 00:07:10.079 --> 00:07:11.800 company and the plus once to end a week some 155 00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:15.040 with Sticky with spilled beer and cossic rock. I arrival, 156 00:07:15.399 --> 00:07:18.920 sidling between the bohemoth bancers and the rock's crowd. Lina 157 00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:21.600 waved me over her energy, bright, already two runs in 158 00:07:21.639 --> 00:07:25.839 with her team Beside her, Daniel Tan perpetually overjests for Brewerschek, 159 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:29.079 one of her favorite work confidants, clinked my glass. There 160 00:07:29.079 --> 00:07:33.399 he is, Daniel, beaand swaying a little man. Lina's had 161 00:07:33.439 --> 00:07:35.680 us all dying with her hiking misadventures. What was that 162 00:07:35.759 --> 00:07:38.680 you said about Wildgot's last Sunday? He laughed, But I 163 00:07:38.680 --> 00:07:42.079 felt not stumble in my chest. Last Sunday, Lena told 164 00:07:42.120 --> 00:07:44.279 me she'd hiked alone. Said she needed to clear her 165 00:07:44.319 --> 00:07:47.319 head after a brutal week. I remembered, word for word, 166 00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:51.240 just me and my music. Social interaction is banned. She'd return, 167 00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:54.639 sunburn a little giddy, raving about the view. She brought 168 00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:57.360 me an apple pastry tea, despite claiming she'd barely seen 169 00:07:57.399 --> 00:08:01.079 another human all day. I made myself smile. Did she 170 00:08:01.160 --> 00:08:03.519 finally wrestle the goat or just lose another granola bar? 171 00:08:04.120 --> 00:08:06.759 Daniel grinned, launching into a story about Lena and a 172 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:09.959 Jason doing improv goat noises at the summit. Lena's laughter 173 00:08:10.040 --> 00:08:12.839 overlapped his, but her gaze flicked quickly away from mine, 174 00:08:12.920 --> 00:08:15.680 cheeks coloring in the beery light. Some one called for 175 00:08:15.720 --> 00:08:19.600 group photos, and the moment passed. I drifted into anodd conversation, 176 00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:22.480 but the words dissolved in my ears. It occurred to 177 00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:25.519 me that maybe I misunderstood the company was tight knit afell. 178 00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:28.920 Maybe they'd spraun a surprised group hike bonding for blisters 179 00:08:28.920 --> 00:08:32.159 and competitive step counts. Or maybe Lena hadn't wanted to 180 00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:34.600 mention bring company because she'd needed space from me, not 181 00:08:34.759 --> 00:08:37.320 just from all people. Back home. That night, with Lena 182 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:40.480 asleep on the couch, I nearly asked, I ran through 183 00:08:40.480 --> 00:08:43.080 a dozen versions in my head. Was there group las Sunday? 184 00:08:43.639 --> 00:08:45.960 I heard a funny story red with Daniel and the team. 185 00:08:46.279 --> 00:08:49.000 I feared sounding insecure, the jealous bust. So many means 186 00:08:49.039 --> 00:08:51.480 warn you not to become The last thing I wanted 187 00:08:51.519 --> 00:08:53.440 was to wedge suspicion between us over what might be 188 00:08:53.480 --> 00:08:56.279 nothing at all. Instead, I lay beside her, listening to 189 00:08:56.320 --> 00:08:57.879 her breathe, the way she clutched the edge of the 190 00:08:57.919 --> 00:09:01.000 blanket and murmur in her sleep. I told myself, it's 191 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:05.600 a coincidence, maybe a slip in Daniel's memory. Don't invent shadows, 192 00:09:06.200 --> 00:09:08.159 but that in his calm to the corners of everything. 193 00:09:08.840 --> 00:09:10.440 I tried to write it off as stress from my 194 00:09:10.440 --> 00:09:12.600 own work. More clients drop in budgets, too many late 195 00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:14.840 nights with nothing to show except and finish designs and 196 00:09:14.879 --> 00:09:18.320 notes for pitch emails. Still, each new Saturday brought that 197 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:21.080 same choreography. Lena up at the dawn, half her gear 198 00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:23.279 already packed, as if every hour was account on to 199 00:09:23.399 --> 00:09:26.960 escape the next weekend. I watched more closely as Lena prepared. 200 00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:30.519 She seemed lighter these days, oddly energized, even as she 201 00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:33.840 grew more private. She started buying up scale trios. Next, 202 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:35.960 there's fancy protein wafers I knew she used to roll 203 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:38.159 her eyes up. Now mixed with her usual energy bars, 204 00:09:38.759 --> 00:09:40.960 the wrappers in the trash runter woul go to flavors either. 205 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:44.799 It was subtle, but I noticed things like that packages 206 00:09:44.919 --> 00:09:47.240 arrived with her name from places I didn't recognize, back 207 00:09:47.240 --> 00:09:50.200 country Calm, as specialized gear store in Oregon, some shop 208 00:09:50.240 --> 00:09:53.799 that made thermal mugs for serious ador enthusiasts. Half the 209 00:09:53.840 --> 00:09:56.159 receipts I'd find crumpled in our recycling. But now and 210 00:09:56.200 --> 00:09:58.240 then a credit card statement would pop up, sure in 211 00:09:58.279 --> 00:10:01.399 totals bigger than self cared ever seen. To justify, I 212 00:10:01.480 --> 00:10:04.440 told myself, she's under pressure at work. Let her have 213 00:10:04.519 --> 00:10:07.919 her thing. Lena began leaving earlier for hikes, returning later, 214 00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:11.759 sometimes in a buoyant mood, sometimes thoughtful. She never offered 215 00:10:11.799 --> 00:10:16.679 stories unless prompted. How were the trails, I'd ask, chill, 216 00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:19.639 just needed the air, or got random, But that made 217 00:10:19.639 --> 00:10:22.440 it oddly cathartic. The old Lena would have sent me 218 00:10:22.440 --> 00:10:24.799 means about the indignity of muddy socks. Now there was 219 00:10:24.799 --> 00:10:27.080 a glint of secrecy, as if the story couldn't quite 220 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:30.600 survive the retelling. Her phone, too, became a kind of fortress. 221 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:33.440 Whereas we'd always been loose with boundaries, passing each other 222 00:10:33.440 --> 00:10:36.039 off screens to show photos, laugh at an awkward email, 223 00:10:36.080 --> 00:10:38.799 now Lena held her phone closer, laughing at messages but 224 00:10:38.879 --> 00:10:42.159 not sharing, quick to deflect if I glanced up, just 225 00:10:42.200 --> 00:10:45.679 Elaine being dramatic again, She'd explain, work chat is out 226 00:10:45.679 --> 00:10:48.639 of control. One morning, while Lena was in the shower, 227 00:10:48.679 --> 00:10:51.279 a share calendar, A popped up on our living room, laptop, 228 00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:54.759 sinking from her work Goggle account, outdoor wellness, high company 229 00:10:54.799 --> 00:10:57.720 event ad, a M state park lot B. The day 230 00:10:57.720 --> 00:11:00.039 circled on our fridges. A so low, decompressed Dave for 231 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:04.000 Lina coincided perfectly. She'd never mentioned the group hike, just 232 00:11:04.039 --> 00:11:06.960 that she needed time away that evening. I watched her 233 00:11:06.960 --> 00:11:08.879 for assign, the way she'd rub her neck when avoiding 234 00:11:08.879 --> 00:11:12.159 at erect answer the practice breezens in her voice. Was 235 00:11:12.200 --> 00:11:17.320 your hike today crowded? I asked? She shrugged, noncommittal. No, 236 00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:20.360 barely anyone braved the rain. I got to just tune out. 237 00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:23.559 I let it go, but the distance was impossible to ignore. 238 00:11:24.200 --> 00:11:27.000 I thought about talking to someone Ba, whom the one 239 00:11:27.039 --> 00:11:29.679 friend had confided in over the yeos. Morgan loved Lena too, 240 00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:31.720 and I didn't want to seem like I was building 241 00:11:31.720 --> 00:11:34.919 a case against my own wife. So I let suspicion fester, 242 00:11:35.080 --> 00:11:37.480 trying to keep it from contaminating whatever trust I still 243 00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:40.480 wanted to believe. In the next week, Lena's routine shifted 244 00:11:40.559 --> 00:11:44.039 yet again. She grew affectionate and nowed almost performative. By 245 00:11:44.120 --> 00:11:47.440 suggesting spontaneous tick out, squeezing my hand, watching TV, sliding 246 00:11:47.519 --> 00:11:49.720 onto my lap while my laptop balanced on my knees. 247 00:11:50.360 --> 00:11:53.360 Her kisses were quick but persuasive, like apologetic punctuation at 248 00:11:53.360 --> 00:11:55.919 the end of a private sentence. Then she bolt for 249 00:11:55.919 --> 00:11:58.440 a team emergency call or one last email before bed, 250 00:11:58.600 --> 00:12:01.480 leaving me half certain I'd imagine the entire thing. I 251 00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:03.559 started to keep mental notes, the sort of thing I'd 252 00:12:03.559 --> 00:12:05.679 once have found invasive if someone else admitted to it. 253 00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:09.000 Who was she texting gigling to herself in the laundry room. 254 00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:11.519 Why did she tense if I asked about simple details 255 00:12:11.559 --> 00:12:14.360 the weather at the park, the time she laughed? Why 256 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:16.279 did she suddenly hate the idea of planning a full 257 00:12:16.360 --> 00:12:18.639 road trope when it had once been our annual tradition. 258 00:12:19.240 --> 00:12:23.000 Small things accumulated A receiptful lunch at the Mountain Bucafe 259 00:12:23.120 --> 00:12:25.000 the same satur day, Lena packed her a dear why 260 00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:26.639 bento it? And claimed to have sat on a rock 261 00:12:26.679 --> 00:12:29.120 to eat at the view. The signature wasn't hers on 262 00:12:29.159 --> 00:12:31.879 the check, but the total was for two. When I asked, 263 00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:34.639 she breezed past it. Oh, I guess I stopped for 264 00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:37.240 a coffee before the drive, but honestly, I mostly stopped 265 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:39.879 to my snacks. The story didn't line up, but her 266 00:12:39.879 --> 00:12:42.399 smile was dazzling, and my need not to seem suspicious 267 00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:45.279 of roude my doubt. One night, after she fell asleep, 268 00:12:45.320 --> 00:12:48.919 I considered scrolling her phone, convinced myself that suspicion justified breech, 269 00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:51.559 then stopped. I didn't like what that meant for me, 270 00:12:51.639 --> 00:12:54.279 For us, I wanted to believe I could still trust her, 271 00:12:54.320 --> 00:12:56.840 even as the feeling twisted inside me and not tightening. 272 00:12:56.879 --> 00:12:59.639 Each day, every story conveyed a different shime when re 273 00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:02.600 excit in the morning, when I mentioned a group packs 274 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:05.360 that had heard about Lena, bristled, It's just easier not 275 00:13:05.399 --> 00:13:08.159 to have to manage conversation, babe, she said, her jaw 276 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:10.960 attends as she dried dishes. Is this about you wanting 277 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:13.279 me hum again? I really need this time to recharge. 278 00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:16.320 I worried that my questions would echo her father's judgments, 279 00:13:16.360 --> 00:13:18.799 his old complaint about letting personal drama interfere with the 280 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:21.600 real ambition. The last thing I wanted was to sound 281 00:13:21.639 --> 00:13:25.000 controlling or jealous. Maybe it was work, maybe I was 282 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:28.039 making a stress worse. But then if it was just work, 283 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:30.120 why did each new discovery feel like it pushed as 284 00:13:30.159 --> 00:13:33.399 further into uncharted territory, not closer to a reasonable explanation. 285 00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:36.480 Desperate to find respective some Russian way to debunk what 286 00:13:36.559 --> 00:13:38.600 I was now calling the Lina mystery in my mind, 287 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:40.879 I reached out to Morgan over coffee, careful to keep 288 00:13:40.919 --> 00:13:43.320 the turn light. Hey, if you were going to head 289 00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:45.559 up for a serious hike around here, which trails would 290 00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:48.360 you pick? Morgan stirred or saw a lotta grinning over 291 00:13:48.399 --> 00:13:51.399 the rim. I saw Lena last weekend. Actually she looked 292 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:53.279 like she was with some work people group thing. I 293 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:55.720 didn't want to bother her. She waved, then kept moving, 294 00:13:55.960 --> 00:13:58.080 classic work mode. I was picking up a print from 295 00:13:58.080 --> 00:14:01.879 the shop in the parking lot, think smile frozen. Really 296 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:04.600 she told me she was doing a decompress alone day. Funny, 297 00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:07.840 must have been a different Saturday. Morgan shrugged, oblivious to 298 00:14:07.879 --> 00:14:11.159 my reaction. Maybe she just needed bonding before they climbed 299 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:15.240 the quarterly sales mountain or whatever. Her phone buzzed conversations 300 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:17.879 whining to more neutral ground. I left the cafe in 301 00:14:17.960 --> 00:14:20.879 a daze. Either Lena hadn't told me the whole story, 302 00:14:21.039 --> 00:14:24.039 or she was deliberately keeping her world separate. I couldn't 303 00:14:24.039 --> 00:14:26.840 tell which would be worse. From that day, the line 304 00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:30.120 between curiosity and obsession feigned. I started to look for 305 00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:32.480 contradictions in her words, not because I wanted to catch 306 00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:34.519 her out, but because I was terrified of missing something 307 00:14:34.519 --> 00:14:37.799 I shouldn't forgive. Each time Lena grew tender, a private 308 00:14:37.799 --> 00:14:40.159 guilt seemed to flicker across her face, as if she 309 00:14:40.200 --> 00:14:42.799 were apologizing in advance for some sinner I wasn't supposed 310 00:14:42.799 --> 00:14:46.320 to notice. I convinced myself not to escalate things beyond 311 00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:49.440 what was reasonable. But reasonable was becoming harder to define. 312 00:14:50.039 --> 00:14:52.240 Was I seeing evidence of betrayal or only what my 313 00:14:52.279 --> 00:14:56.120 insecurities wanted me to see. One evening, after an unusually 314 00:14:56.159 --> 00:14:59.200 long hike, Lena texted that she'd be home late, had 315 00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:02.480 to stop for a work sorry, trafk is trash. When 316 00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:04.639 she arrived, she was flushed from the cold, dropping her 317 00:15:04.679 --> 00:15:07.519 bag by the door, barely meeting my eyes. I brought 318 00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:10.080 you that pastry again, she said, handing it over like 319 00:15:10.120 --> 00:15:13.360 a piece offering she wasn't sure I'd accept. Later, alone 320 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:15.519 in the kitchen, I sorted through the plastic rap and 321 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:18.679 knackin from the bakery, tucked into the back, almost like enough, 322 00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:20.679 I thought was a stamp loyalty card for the cafe. 323 00:15:20.759 --> 00:15:24.159 Three slots punched out. We'd been there once together, long ago, 324 00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:27.120 but Lena hated their heavy food. I was left turning 325 00:15:27.159 --> 00:15:29.559 the card in my hands, wondering who had accompanied her 326 00:15:29.639 --> 00:15:32.559 enough to collect three punches and barely a month. That night, 327 00:15:32.639 --> 00:15:34.240 I lay awake, listening to the faint hum of a 328 00:15:34.279 --> 00:15:37.000 laptop in the living room. I remembered the towns when 329 00:15:37.080 --> 00:15:39.600 Lena used to call into bed early, pulling my arms 330 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:41.679 around her waist, bragging that I was the only thing 331 00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:44.440 keeping her war. Now there was a gap between us, 332 00:15:44.559 --> 00:15:46.679 less than a meter wide, but suddenly as profound as 333 00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:50.440 a canyon. Even the awkward everyday conversation started to sting. 334 00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:52.960 Tell me a story about work to day. I tried 335 00:15:53.000 --> 00:15:56.519 one dinner. Lena smiled, absently, flicking her fork against the play. 336 00:15:57.320 --> 00:16:00.600 Nothing exciting. Team's obsessed with this Wallace challenge, but honestly, 337 00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:03.000 it's just an excuse to get fresh air between meetings. 338 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:09.360 Who leads those? I prodded. She shrugged some contract guide, Jason. 339 00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:12.039 I think Elene organized it. It's all very corporates. Then 340 00:16:12.639 --> 00:16:14.600 the way she said his name velprehearsed, as if she 341 00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:17.039 passed every syllable for the right amount of detail to offer. 342 00:16:17.639 --> 00:16:20.240 The next week, a padded envelope arrived, marked with a 343 00:16:20.320 --> 00:16:24.000 return address in Colorado. Inside was a monogram water Bottley. 344 00:16:24.039 --> 00:16:26.720 I'll peak her initials, the kind of thing a company 345 00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:29.240 might give to staff, a swag, But Lina's company logo 346 00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:31.919 was nowhere on it. Her eyes lingered on my face 347 00:16:31.960 --> 00:16:34.559 as she unwrapped it. They're really going all up for 348 00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:37.519 wellness branding now, she said, with a brittle laugh. I 349 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:41.200 wanted to ignore it. I tried focusing on my freelance gigs, 350 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:44.879 convincing myself my restlessness was about work, not us. But 351 00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:47.519 as Lina's hiking week ends mounted, so did the sense 352 00:16:47.559 --> 00:16:49.480 that the foundation was eroding under my feet, and I 353 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:52.720 was the only one pretending not to notice. Lena's mood 354 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:56.320 fluctuated is Sometimes she was expansive, kiddy with affection. Other 355 00:16:56.360 --> 00:16:58.639 times she seemed one then, going to bed early and 356 00:16:58.679 --> 00:17:01.600 sighing in her sleep. The oscillation itself became its own 357 00:17:01.679 --> 00:17:04.680 kind of evidence, though of what I wasn't sure. I 358 00:17:04.759 --> 00:17:07.000 caught her on the phone late one Thursday, voice softened 359 00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:09.960 by something more than exhaustion, She saw me standing in 360 00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:12.039 the hallway and ended the call, quickly putting her phone 361 00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:15.480 screened down again. It's just Elaine venting about her bonus, 362 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:18.200 she explained, but her explanation trailed off. I was going 363 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:22.240 glassy Friday night instead of our movie ritual. Lina suggested 364 00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:24.960 we order in. She poured wine, tried to set a 365 00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:26.920 playful mood, but half way through the meal she got 366 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:29.240 a series of texts that pulled her attention away, each 367 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:32.559 time with a new little apology. Just work stuff, she said. 368 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:35.480 From hovering until I looked away, I watched as she 369 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:39.200 grew cagy, even about Errand's. Once I mentioned I was 370 00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:41.480 thinking about fixing the camp stove we'd used on our 371 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:43.839 lost reel outdoor trip together, wondering a load if I 372 00:17:43.880 --> 00:17:46.599 should join her on the next hike, she almost snapped, 373 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:48.559 I told you I need these on my own. Please 374 00:17:48.599 --> 00:17:51.640 don't take it personally, Alex. We ate in silence for 375 00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:53.440 the rest of the meal, both of us reaching out 376 00:17:53.480 --> 00:17:56.640 but missing the mark. It was Morgan, un knowing as always, 377 00:17:56.680 --> 00:17:58.759 He gave me the next clue, though she probably thought 378 00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:01.599 she was closing the subject she sent me a photo 379 00:18:01.640 --> 00:18:03.799 of Lena at the trail. Ed snapped from a distance, 380 00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:05.960 meaning to share how boss, my wife looked with all 381 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:09.440 her new gear. Your gull is basically outward bound royalty now, 382 00:18:09.599 --> 00:18:12.440 she texted. In the photo, Lina was talking to a 383 00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:14.680 man in a green jacket, his hand resting briefly on 384 00:18:14.759 --> 00:18:18.160 her shoulders. She laughed, Her face was open easy. The 385 00:18:18.279 --> 00:18:20.440 time stamp was the same as the afternoon. Lena told 386 00:18:20.480 --> 00:18:23.440 me her hike was coloistood, not us all around. I 387 00:18:23.559 --> 00:18:25.839 replied with the thumbs up, the pit expanding in my gut. 388 00:18:26.599 --> 00:18:29.119 That weekend, when Lena left for her hike before sunrise, 389 00:18:29.240 --> 00:18:31.880 I walked into our bedroom and stood alone. I opened 390 00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:34.000 her side of the closet, noticing for the first time 391 00:18:34.039 --> 00:18:36.640 how little of her old casual were was left. The 392 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:39.359 flirty blouses and Brett scarves had been replaced by moisture 393 00:18:39.400 --> 00:18:43.079 wicking layers, neutral tones, technical everything, a live stream line 394 00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:46.680 for mobility, not comfort. I wondered when she made the switch, 395 00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:48.960 and why I hadn't noticed the calling as it happened. 396 00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:51.680 I found her old hiking boots on the floor behind 397 00:18:51.720 --> 00:18:54.559 a stack of boxes, muddy, worn damb soul splitting at 398 00:18:54.599 --> 00:18:57.480 the toes. The new pair she bought last month boasted 399 00:18:57.519 --> 00:19:00.480 gleaming white laces and the faint chemical smells. Something never 400 00:19:00.599 --> 00:19:03.319 used to wait for real mud I hesitated, looked for 401 00:19:03.359 --> 00:19:06.079