Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KF
Speaker 1: I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app. Hey f, I Am six forty.
Speaker 1: You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome now my
Speaker 1: Instagram audience. So nice to see some of you from
Speaker 1: all over the country, in fact, but a lot of
Speaker 1: you in southern California. And if you would like to
Speaker 1: call in with a relationship question, I am here for you.
Speaker 1: The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
Speaker 1: five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who.
Speaker 2: Do we have?
Speaker 3: First?
Speaker 2: We have Ricky with the question. Ricky. Hi, Ricky, it's
Speaker 2: doctor Wendy.
Speaker 4: Hey, doctor, how are you doing good?
Speaker 2: What's your question?
Speaker 4: My question is simple because I've heard many times over
Speaker 4: the years from women of different ages or different stages
Speaker 4: of life. Hey, you don't listen to me, Ricky. You're
Speaker 4: not listening to me. It means something different.
Speaker 1: Because your ears do work. I know, Ricky, because you're
Speaker 1: hearing me right now. So when a woman says to you, Ricky,
Speaker 1: you're not listening to me. What she's really saying is
Speaker 1: I don't feel understood, can you? And in fact, your
Speaker 1: response at that point should be what I think I'm
Speaker 1: hearing is and then make new words. This is called
Speaker 1: emotional mirroring, and so you make new words for what
Speaker 1: you think they heard they said. So they're going to say,
Speaker 1: you know, whatever their complaint is, and you're going to
Speaker 1: disagree with them or say whatever or defend yourself and
Speaker 1: they're going to say, you're not listening to me. So
Speaker 1: your answer is going to be, well, what I think
Speaker 1: I heard is that I'm responsible for all of your feelings.
Speaker 2: That's a good one.
Speaker 1: Or what I think I heard is that you're not
Speaker 1: happy with the way I whatever. Right, give their feeling
Speaker 1: a name, try to be a feeling detective. But yes,
Speaker 1: too many people make that mistake, Ricky, of saying in
Speaker 1: their relationships, you're not listening, and clearly we all have
Speaker 1: ears we're hearing and that's not what they mean. Thank
Speaker 1: you for calling. That's a great question. All right, Producer, Kayla,
Speaker 1: who do we have next? So we have Darryl next, Daryl, Darryl, Hey, Darryl.
Speaker 4: All right, doctor Whitney, how are you?
Speaker 2: What's your question?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 5: I think you know, you touched on a subject tonight
Speaker 5: that was really hit home for me. I was like,
Speaker 5: I've been in love with this woman for sixteen years.
Speaker 5: She got diagnosed with MS oh dear, and she really
Speaker 5: has just took a turn like for the worst, and
Speaker 5: it seems like she doesn't have any time for me anymore.
Speaker 5: She sleeps like for days, you know, and I'm like all.
Speaker 3: Text her and then she wakes up and she's really crabby.
Speaker 3: Let me tell you what, and it's just her. I
Speaker 3: don't know what's to you know, I'm in early recovery
Speaker 3: and I've just mainly been focusing on my self.
Speaker 1: It sounds like both of you are healing. She's got
Speaker 1: her MS, you're in recovery, and you're feeling that while
Speaker 1: each of you are focusing on your separate healing, that
Speaker 1: you're growing apart.
Speaker 2: Is that what I'm hearing?
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, that is Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I think you know, in this case, learning to
Speaker 1: talking to her, maybe about converting the relationship to friendship
Speaker 1: so that you're free to find another kind of love
Speaker 1: might be wise. But I think that after sixteen years,
Speaker 1: you owe her some support and some love, right, I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't think you're going to bail on her because
Speaker 1: she's sick. But on the other hand, when we are,
Speaker 1: when our bodies are failing and we're in such a
Speaker 1: regressed state, sometimes people aren't fun to be around and
Speaker 1: it can be very difficult. So you've got your own
Speaker 1: emotional needs at the same time. So I want you
Speaker 1: to look at your whole life and all your social
Speaker 1: support and ask yourself, where can I get my emotional
Speaker 1: needs met in a different way while still supporting the
Speaker 1: woman I love? Or is there a way to convert
Speaker 1: the romantic relationship with the woman I love into friendship
Speaker 1: so that I can pursue romantic elsewhere. But these conversations
Speaker 1: need to be had, and you know they have a
Speaker 1: lot to do with our own values and morals. But
Speaker 1: as you said, you're also in recovery trying to take
Speaker 1: care of yourself. And I'm a big believer, and you
Speaker 1: got to put your own oxygen mask on first before
Speaker 1: you can help anybody else. And so taking care of
Speaker 1: ourself is not selfish, it is self liss so that
Speaker 1: we can help others. So I'm sorry you're going through this, Daryl,
Speaker 1: but thank you very much for calling. All Right, Producer Kayla,
Speaker 1: who do we have next?
Speaker 2: We have Craig with a question. Craig, Hi, Craig, it's
Speaker 2: doctor Wendy.
Speaker 4: How you going, Wendy good.
Speaker 2: We got a lot of guys today. What's your question? Hi, Craig, and.
Speaker 4: Only have one girl.
Speaker 3: I'm just thanking them, said two years ago, will blind
Speaker 3: on that side.
Speaker 5: I'm a lot old thing now to a camp out
Speaker 5: of the girl.
Speaker 2: So here's my suggestion for you.
Speaker 1: It sounds like, Craig, what you're sharing with me is
Speaker 1: that you're at a stage in your life where you're
Speaker 1: older and alone and you want to have a connection
Speaker 1: with somebody. And my advice would be to get social
Speaker 1: support wherever you can join a group, volunteer, reach out
Speaker 1: for services that are available so you can meet other people.
Speaker 1: You just need to get out in the world. If
Speaker 1: your focus is only finding a girlfriend or romance, that
Speaker 1: becomes just a trail of disappointments because it's one after another.
Speaker 1: Just expand your social world. One of the things I've
Speaker 1: notice that happens with a lot of men, especially after
Speaker 1: divorce or their wife dies, is their social world becomes
Speaker 1: smaller and smaller and smaller, and men need to learn
Speaker 1: how to extend their social world. Thank you for calling, Craig.
Speaker 1: It's lovely to hear your voice. All right, who do
Speaker 1: we have next? We have time for one more before
Speaker 1: the break?
Speaker 2: We sure, do we have Nia with the question? Was
Speaker 2: that Nia?
Speaker 6: That was Nia?
Speaker 2: Nia?
Speaker 1: Hi?
Speaker 2: Nia, It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 7: Hi, Hi, doctor Wendy. I have a question. So I'm
Speaker 7: in my early twenties and I'm in my first serious relationship.
Speaker 7: It's been almost two years and my whole life, I've
Speaker 7: also had anxiety, and so a lot of times every
Speaker 7: time I get in an argument or fight with my partner,
Speaker 7: my first instinct is to break up. And I'm not
Speaker 7: sure because this has happened so often. If it means
Speaker 7: the relationship is just going awry and this isn't the
Speaker 7: person for me, or it just means maybe my nervous
Speaker 7: system isn't regulated and maybe I've just had some bad
Speaker 7: experience experiences in the past that this is like, you know,
Speaker 7: testing me, you know what I mean. So it's hard
Speaker 7: to know.
Speaker 1: So, Nia, I'm going to share some personal information with you.
Speaker 1: I used to have the fight or flight syndrome in
Speaker 1: my relationships. If there was any kind of argument or disagreement,
Speaker 1: I called it my running feeling.
Speaker 2: I would get in my stomach.
Speaker 1: I would get this running feeling like I just want
Speaker 1: to hang up the phone, run out the door, slam
Speaker 1: the door, drive away fast. It was just hard for
Speaker 1: me to stay in it during an argument or disagreement.
Speaker 1: But when I learned how to have healthier fights, and
Speaker 1: I would suggest that the two of you might see
Speaker 1: a licensed therapist so you could learn some skills, because
Speaker 1: you're both young and this is the time to lay
Speaker 1: down the strategies. But when I hear you say, well,
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if it's just my anxiety, and you know,
Speaker 1: then you're taking too much blame on yourself.
Speaker 2: I don't like to hear that.
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to see that the two of you,
Speaker 1: after an argument or a disagreement or a fight, know
Speaker 1: each other better and become closer because of it. And
Speaker 1: those are skills that can be learned nia. So you
Speaker 1: know this is the time, this is the time, your
Speaker 1: age to learn those skills.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for calling. All right, we're gonna
Speaker 2: take a break. When we come back.
Speaker 1: The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
Speaker 1: five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero, one, five,
Speaker 1: three four. If you've got a relationship question, give us
Speaker 1: a call. You are listening to the Doctor Wendywalls Show
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2: We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 6: AM six forty.
Speaker 2: Kf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
Speaker 2: with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
Speaker 1: Okay, I am going to social media to answer your
Speaker 1: relationship questions. Actually I was live earlier on TikTok and
Speaker 1: then I was live on Instagram and some of the
Speaker 1: people I wrote their questions, you know, in the comments,
Speaker 1: So I wrote a couple of them down as well.
Speaker 2: Plus some of you have been sending me dms. Okay,
Speaker 2: we have the one question for you that we got
Speaker 2: a little earlier too. Oh we have a talk back.
Speaker 2: Why don't we play that first?
Speaker 8: Hi, Doctor Wendy. My girlfriend and I have been together
Speaker 8: for six months. I'm forty nine, she's thirty nine. She
Speaker 8: has two kids. I have one. She has two divorces.
Speaker 8: I have two divorces. And we had a fight the
Speaker 8: other night and we don't know how to fight. So
Speaker 8: we are both on board for couple's therapy. But that
Speaker 8: little residual piece in the back of my mind is saying,
Speaker 8: if we're doing couple's therapy at this point in the relationship,
Speaker 8: are we doomed? Can you help settle my mind?
Speaker 1: Thank you, You are not doomed. In fact, you are
Speaker 1: doing the exact right thing. Both of you have two
Speaker 1: marriages behind you, two divorces, and I want to remind
Speaker 1: everybody who's listening the divorce does not teach you how
Speaker 1: to be a better mate. Divorce does not teach you
Speaker 1: how to choose a better mate. Divorce teaches you that
Speaker 1: you can survive divorce. So therefore, every subsequent marriage, the
Speaker 1: divorce rate goes up. Right, Second marriage have a higher
Speaker 1: divorce rate than first marriages. Third marriages have an even
Speaker 1: higher divorce rate. So what you said was right.
Speaker 2: You don't know.
Speaker 1: How to fight, and this is why you should go
Speaker 1: to couple's therapy so you can learn the skills. Relationships
Speaker 1: are far more about skill than luck, and those skills
Speaker 1: can be learned.
Speaker 2: You are not doomed. In fact.
Speaker 1: The fact that you're going to couples therapy so early
Speaker 1: in your relationship six months into it tells me that
Speaker 1: you've got a good chance of succeeding this time. And
Speaker 1: also six months is usually around the time where the
Speaker 1: you know, the the lust and the limerins is starting
Speaker 1: to wear off. And now it's a real reality check, right,
Speaker 1: You're seeing a real human And so this is the
Speaker 1: time where you're going to see little conflict or flaws,
Speaker 1: and this is the time to go to therapy and
Speaker 1: learn how to work it out, especially because down the
Speaker 1: road you might consider creating a blended family because you
Speaker 1: both have kids, and in that case, you really want
Speaker 1: to do it delicately because it's not about two people
Speaker 1: in this relationship.
Speaker 2: It's what five four or five? Yeah, a lot. Thank you.
Speaker 2: That's a really really good question. Keep it up, go
Speaker 2: to therapy, all right.
Speaker 1: Also, somebody on TikTok asked me, They said, I asked
Speaker 1: you this last week and you didn't answer it. So
Speaker 1: I'm going to do it this week for me to
Speaker 1: list some green flags in a healthy partner. So, therefore,
Speaker 1: if you're just starting to date somebody, how do you
Speaker 1: know it's safe to move forward? And I have one
Speaker 1: rule of thumb, which is simply, well two things. Actually,
Speaker 1: the two big ones are One is that their actions
Speaker 1: match their words. There's a lot of people who talk
Speaker 1: up a good story. They're wooing you, they're trying hard
Speaker 1: to win your love, but then they don't actually do
Speaker 1: what they say they're gonna do. So if they make
Speaker 1: tiny little promises like I'll let me drive next time,
Speaker 1: or let me call this person for a business referral
Speaker 1: for you, or oh, I know how to fix that,
Speaker 1: you know, gas hose on your dryer, Let me come over.
Speaker 4: And do it.
Speaker 1: If they actually do all the tiny little promises that
Speaker 1: they're promising during the courtship, this is a good sign, right.
Speaker 2: And the second thing is.
Speaker 1: That they respect your voice, that you feel understood, that
Speaker 1: you feel heard. So if you're dating somebody and you're like, no,
Speaker 1: I said I didn't eat meat, why did you take
Speaker 1: me to Hamburger place?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 2: No, but you'll love this. There's a different kind of Hamger.
Speaker 2: You're gonna love this.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, they're not listening to you. They're not
Speaker 1: respecting you. So the big green flags are their action
Speaker 1: match their words and you feel heard and respected. Those
Speaker 1: are the big ones, all right. And another listener on
Speaker 1: Instagram asked me they felt that they are have an
Speaker 1: avoidant attachment style and.
Speaker 2: Could they be healed.
Speaker 1: So I corrected them on the word healed, because when
Speaker 1: you have an avoidant attachment style, it doesn't mean you're sick,
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you're ill, doesn't mean you're highly dysfunctional.
Speaker 1: It means that you have learned early in life to
Speaker 1: protect yourself from closeness and intimacy because it can feel terrifying.
Speaker 1: You don't know how to negotiate your way through it,
Speaker 1: and so you have these avoidant strategies to sort of
Speaker 1: keep people close but kind of push them away at
Speaker 1: the same time. Unfortunately, people start to realize if they
Speaker 1: have avoidant attachment style that either they're attracted to people
Speaker 1: with an anxious attachment style and it seems like they're
Speaker 1: always hurting them it's not your fault, you're not hurting
Speaker 1: them on purpose, or you're just having trouble having close
Speaker 1: intimate relationships. People are saying, you don't really tell me
Speaker 1: anything personal about you, You don't open up right. So again,
Speaker 1: the answer to this is therapy. I say it all
Speaker 1: the time. See a licensed therapist who can teach you
Speaker 1: good communication skills, teach you to tolerate intimacy. The first
Speaker 1: person person you're going to practice with is your therapist,
Speaker 1: being open and honest and vulnerable and being able to
Speaker 1: tolerate those conversations. And that is how you change your
Speaker 1: attachment style, not heal change it right, all right? Moving on,
Speaker 1: This person writes, my boyfriend and I are moving in together.
Speaker 2: Doctor Wendy wohoo.
Speaker 1: We planned on doing fifty to fifty rent, but now
Speaker 1: I see that he actually makes more money than me
Speaker 1: while I work three jobs to afford the fifty percent rent?
Speaker 1: Is is fair? Are you asking me? Because you're telling me,
Speaker 1: I'll just tell you it's not fair. Of course, it's
Speaker 1: not fair. And you guys need to have a conversation
Speaker 1: about this, you know. Susie Orman says the best way
Speaker 1: to split expenses is based on percentage of income. So
Speaker 1: if one person I'm making up these numbers, if one
Speaker 1: person makes one hundred thousand dollars a year and the
Speaker 1: other person makes fifty thousand dollars a year, then somebody
Speaker 1: should pay two times what the other's paying and rent.
Speaker 1: You just break it up proportionately, and then as your
Speaker 1: income changes, you might adjust it along the way. So
Speaker 1: you've got to be brave bring this up, because no,
Speaker 1: that is not fair. He's got one job, you got three,
Speaker 1: and you're trying to keep up with the Joneses. No, no, no, no, no. Oh,
Speaker 1: here's a good one, Dear doctor Wendy. I'm dating a
Speaker 1: man who claims he's divorced from his wife. I love
Speaker 1: that word claims. He even claims to have dated since
Speaker 1: they divorced, but that relationship didn't work out. So I
Speaker 1: found his ex wife's social media and she is flawless.
Speaker 2: We'll stop that.
Speaker 1: Who cares what she looks like on that side, what's
Speaker 1: going on the inside. But here's the thing that gets me.
Speaker 1: She also still has all their family pictures up on
Speaker 1: social media. Should I be concerned? Yes, this woman hasn't
Speaker 1: moved on. They're either not actually divorced. When you say
Speaker 1: family pictures, I assume he's in the pictures too, right,
Speaker 1: So they're either not actually divorced and he's just lying
Speaker 1: and he's a cheater, or I'm just saying all the options,
Speaker 1: or she is not over it. Maybe they're like legally
Speaker 1: separated and she's trying to get him back. Because I'm
Speaker 1: telling you, if they were divorced, she would be putting
Speaker 1: hot single pictures of herself out there. She would be
Speaker 1: selling herself in the mating marketplace. So she's got family
Speaker 1: pictures of her and him and the kids. It's her saying,
Speaker 1: this is the public image I want to have. So
Speaker 1: why does she want to have this public image? She
Speaker 1: either wants to I'm back or they're not divorced. She
Speaker 1: hasn't lost him. Who it's a good one. I write
Speaker 1: me back. I want to know what happens in that one.
Speaker 1: All right, Dear doctor Wendy. Every time I text this
Speaker 1: man i'm dating, I text what are you doing? He
Speaker 1: always responds drinking or about to have a drink? How
Speaker 1: do I ask if he has a problem? Or should
Speaker 1: I just note it as a red flag and leave.
Speaker 1: I don't like it when people just go, well, he
Speaker 1: must have a problem. I'm just leaving, Like, why don't
Speaker 1: you explore?
Speaker 2: And how do you ask?
Speaker 1: You simply say and don't do it in a text.
Speaker 1: Next time you're talking, say hey, I have a question.
Speaker 1: Last couple of times I texted to you are about
Speaker 1: to have a drink?
Speaker 2: Do you drink every day? And how much? I'm just curious.
Speaker 2: There's nothing wrong with asking you have every right to ask.
Speaker 1: I've been drinking every day lately, just letting you know, well, no,
Speaker 1: what happened is Kayla?
Speaker 2: Why are you laughing? I just wasn't expecting that.
Speaker 1: So I wanted to build a tolerance before the wedding,
Speaker 1: and now I have a tolerance. So I've been having
Speaker 1: two glasses or Sundays three glasses of wine every night. So
Speaker 1: I need what they call a tolerance break.
Speaker 2: I had a lot of wine around your I get it.
Speaker 2: I get it.
Speaker 1: We'll take that tolerance break this week. All right, when
Speaker 1: we come back, where are we going after this? Help me?
Speaker 2: Help me, help me. There's so much happenings. Oh.
Speaker 1: Three ways that conflict can strengthen your relationship. You are
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 6: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So
Speaker 1: I am not afraid of conflict, but you know that
Speaker 1: about me. I mean I stood up to one of
Speaker 1: the biggest former sexual harassers of all time. I was
Speaker 1: fearless about. You can go read about it, Google it.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm not afraid to be strident, to be frank,
Speaker 1: to be outspoken, and if something bothers me, even in
Speaker 1: my most intimate relationships, I have no problem bringing it up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: everybody's got a couple little tender spots that are a
Speaker 1: little bit harder to bring up. And I won't disclose
Speaker 1: what my tiny one is because you know, I'd have
Speaker 1: to ask Coolio's permission first. But having said that, there
Speaker 1: are some people who are totally conflict avoidant. They actually
Speaker 1: think that the best relationships are relationships with no fighting,
Speaker 1: no conflict at all. The research, however, does not support
Speaker 1: that idea. In fact, research shows that long term, happily
Speaker 1: married or happily together couples have actually frequent border skirmishes,
Speaker 1: little arguments. They're constantly negotiating their boundaries. It never goes away.
Speaker 1: And because they have so much gentle conflict, respectful conflict,
Speaker 1: sometimes playful conflict, they don't have the big, knockdown, drag
Speaker 1: them out crazy arguments where the neighbors are freaking out
Speaker 1: because they clear the air all the time. They're doing
Speaker 1: it all the time. They're not like bottling stuff inside
Speaker 1: until it just bursts and them before you know it,
Speaker 1: you're saying things like and another thing.
Speaker 2: And remember that time, and you always do that.
Speaker 1: No, Nope, So I want to talk to you if
Speaker 1: you have been one of those people who's kind of
Speaker 1: afraid to bring up the tender topics in your relationship.
Speaker 1: Now I know why you're afraid. You're afraid because will
Speaker 1: threaten the relationship. You're afraid that you'll make your partner angry.
Speaker 1: And if you make your partner angry, by the way,
Speaker 1: you can't make anybody have another feeling. It's important to
Speaker 1: know people own their own feelings and they've chosen to
Speaker 1: respond in a certain way, or they've got their own
Speaker 1: life experience or perceptions that brings up certain feelings. But
Speaker 1: it's not that you ever make someone have a feeling,
Speaker 1: or you don't make someone behave in a certain way.
Speaker 1: Everybody is responsible for their own behavior, including.
Speaker 2: You, your own behavior.
Speaker 1: So I know that people who are conflict avoidant are
Speaker 1: terrified that it will turn into something so big that
Speaker 1: it will rupture the relationship. But actually there's research to
Speaker 1: show that actually conflict can strengthen a relationship. There's a
Speaker 1: new study published in Psychological Science. It found that when
Speaker 1: couples have heated conversations that involve disagreements, there can be
Speaker 1: three huge benefits.
Speaker 2: All right, you ready write this down, take some notes.
Speaker 1: Number one, respectful disagreement can actually build trust. Now, I
Speaker 1: know this sounds completely counterintuitive, but when you get to
Speaker 1: the place where you know that you can safely express
Speaker 1: yourself honestly and be seen for who you really are,
Speaker 1: you're having free expression, your partners having free expression. And
Speaker 1: when both people are free to be themselves and not
Speaker 1: have to put on airs or pretend or appease the
Speaker 1: other person, when you can just be honest, you increase
Speaker 1: the bond between the two of you. Yeah, it can
Speaker 1: actually strengthen your relationship because you are now in a
Speaker 1: safe place to be authentic, and that's good for your relationship.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: The second thing the research found is that respectful disagreements,
Speaker 1: See I keep saying that we're they're respectful disagreement can
Speaker 1: actually increase closeness because, believe it or not, when you're
Speaker 1: arguing respectfully, there's a part of you that's also looking
Speaker 1: for common ground and what you're going to find with
Speaker 1: your partner is that you actually do agree on some
Speaker 1: aspects of whatever issue it is that you're having conflict about. Right,
Speaker 1: But unless you're allowed to honestly and openly discuss the
Speaker 1: whole thing from every single angle, you can't get to
Speaker 1: the place of increased closeness, all right. And the third thing,
Speaker 1: the third way that conflict makes your relationship better, is
Speaker 1: that respectful disagreement can lead to light bulbs going off
Speaker 1: in your head new ideas. Okay, so when you're arguing
Speaker 1: with someone, your primary goal should never be to change
Speaker 1: their mind.
Speaker 2: This is important to understand. If if your only goal
Speaker 2: is to.
Speaker 1: Convince them that you are right and they are wrong,
Speaker 1: that's not respectful disagreement. Respectful disagreement is when you just say,
Speaker 1: here's my perspective, and now I see your perspective. And
Speaker 1: what happens is if without prejudice, you just listen to
Speaker 1: the other person's perspective, you might go, huh, I never
Speaker 1: thought about it that way, and you might actually change
Speaker 1: your mind just a little bit, not because they're trying
Speaker 1: to force you to do it, but because you've given
Speaker 1: enough space to be able to be honest yourself and
Speaker 1: hear them out. The bottom line is that avoiding these
Speaker 1: kinds of conversations is dangerous. This is when you have
Speaker 1: problems in relationships. This is when those you know you're
Speaker 1: bearing things and they're sitting on them, and then they
Speaker 1: do the tiniest little thing one day and all of
Speaker 1: a sudden you are rapped and you blow up and
Speaker 1: you don't know what happened. I've actually heard people say
Speaker 1: I don't know what happened. I just went off and
Speaker 1: it came out of nowhere. I mean, she did the
Speaker 1: tiniest thing. Literally it was spilled milk. But it wasn't
Speaker 1: about the spilled milk. It was about the weeks and
Speaker 1: months and years of having to do something you don't
Speaker 1: want to do, perhaps but trying to appease the other person,
Speaker 1: or not having a voice and not being honest. That's
Speaker 1: when you run into problems. So I am going to
Speaker 1: encourage you, if you are afraid of conflict, to start
Speaker 1: gingerly and with the little things, and start with this sentence.
Speaker 1: It's really hard for me to bring this up, So
Speaker 1: I really appreciate if you were kind to me. Well,
Speaker 1: I explained to you what I have a problem with
Speaker 1: right now. See, just start like that so then they
Speaker 1: know it's difficult for you to talk about. Then it'll
Speaker 1: get easier and easier and easier, and you'll be able
Speaker 1: to you know, like with me and Julio, I'll go
Speaker 1: get this, I'm a little bugged about that, and he'll
Speaker 1: go get this. I don't like it when you do that,
Speaker 1: and we'll go, oh, what can we do different? So
Speaker 1: we're both happier because the love doesn't change. The bond
Speaker 1: doesn't change for us. We're just getting to know each
Speaker 1: other better and better and better.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 1: When we come back, have you heard of the red
Speaker 1: nail theory? You know, scientists have so much time on
Speaker 1: their hands. They've even studied red fingernails and mate attraction.
Speaker 1: When we come back, you are listening to The Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy wallsh Show and KFI AM six forty Alive everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 6: AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1: Back to the home stretch of The Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show.
Speaker 1: I'm Doctor Wendy Walsh. You know I say this over
Speaker 1: and over. I just want to remind people in case
Speaker 1: they've been tuning in. I have a PhD in clinical psychology.
Speaker 1: I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships,
Speaker 1: did a dissertation on attachment theory. Because I am just
Speaker 1: obsessed with the science of love. I read the journals,
Speaker 1: and yes, there are academic journals about relationships.
Speaker 2: One is actually called personal Relationships.
Speaker 1: And I love when the new science comes out, and
Speaker 1: usually it reconfirms it's.
Speaker 2: I don't mean it, okay, I'm just going to say it.
Speaker 1: It's pretty rare for me to go, ah, never thought
Speaker 1: about it that way. Wow, that's so new and different.
Speaker 1: Usually when I read something, I go they spent money
Speaker 1: on that study, Like I knew that, all right, So
Speaker 1: let us talk about the latest thing.
Speaker 2: The red nail theory. It's actually not the latest.
Speaker 1: The term the red nail theory was coined back in
Speaker 1: two thousand and eight by researchers from Rochester University, and
Speaker 1: back then they used five different psychological experiments to demonstrate
Speaker 1: that when women wore the color red on their nails,
Speaker 1: it increased male attraction. Now, there's been lots of other
Speaker 1: research since then to keep proving it over and over again.
Speaker 1: But I want to talk about it from different standpoints,
Speaker 1: because everything human has a biological piece right inherited in
Speaker 1: some way. It has a psychological piece, something that happened
Speaker 1: in our lifetime, and it has often a social piece,
Speaker 1: a message from our culture. Every single human behavior has
Speaker 1: a biopsychosocial piece. So let's start with the biological piece.
Speaker 1: Evolutionary psychologists would say that this attraction to the color
Speaker 1: red is actually one primate just mimicking another. There's something
Speaker 1: called the sexual signaling hypothesis, and it says that females
Speaker 1: attract male mates the same way other primates. But here's
Speaker 1: the thing we have. Homo sapien have concealed ovulation. Concealed
Speaker 1: ovulation means that men can't tell when a woman's ovulating
Speaker 1: or not, and women sometimes don't even know themselves. But
Speaker 1: every other primate has actually a sexual communication system. It's
Speaker 1: usually I don't know, if you ever read National Geographic
Speaker 1: in middle school and giggled over the pages, it's usually
Speaker 1: swollen volva that's in a vibrant red tone. So evolutionary
Speaker 1: psychologists would say, well, you know, our penant for red lipstick,
Speaker 1: red cheeks, and yes, red nails might be an unconscious
Speaker 1: way to signal fertility. In fact, a recent study done
Speaker 1: in Japan found that there is a slight correlation between
Speaker 1: women choosing to wear red lipstick, which days the month,
Speaker 1: and if they were ovulating or not. In other words,
Speaker 1: more women who were ovulating tended to choose the red lipstick. Fascinating, huh.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing. There are also cultural pieces. So
Speaker 1: red has been used in our culture to denote highly
Speaker 1: sexual women or women who break the rules. Think of
Speaker 1: Scarlet O'Hara, Scarlet is her name, and Gone with the Wind,
Speaker 1: novels like the Scarlet Letter, Right, remember the movie remember
Speaker 1: the model Kelly Broxton and woman in Red. The color
Speaker 1: red has historically been associated with body, rule breaking, sexual women,
Speaker 1: and because of this, sometimes it has a negative connotation
Speaker 1: because there are times in history when women's sexuality and
Speaker 1: reproduction was controlled by men. Times in history, no, maybe
Speaker 1: times today, I don't know, think about it. So we
Speaker 1: have to think that there's also a cultural influence of
Speaker 1: why this works. So the big question is, if you're
Speaker 1: going on a date, should you wear red nail polish,
Speaker 1: or if you're in your dating app and take your pictures,
Speaker 1: should you have red nail polish on. Well, my advice,
Speaker 1: and this is just me, one person with a little
Speaker 1: bit of life experience and wisdom, is that there is
Speaker 1: research to show that you do get morse wipe rights
Speaker 1: if you wear red, so wear red shirt.
Speaker 2: That's fine.
Speaker 1: The problem with the red nails is unconsciously might signal
Speaker 1: something highly sexual. Now, ladies, if you're looking for short
Speaker 1: term fun and a smoldering fire with a hot guy,
Speaker 1: put on those red nail polish, make them long and beautiful.
Speaker 2: Why not.
Speaker 1: But if you happen to be looking for a long term,
Speaker 1: committed relationship, no judgment one way or the other, then
Speaker 1: you might want to play it the sexual part down
Speaker 1: just a little bit right. You have to sort of
Speaker 1: read the room. You have to know what people are
Speaker 1: looking for. And you know, I hate to go there.
Speaker 1: But the porn industry has influenced the sexual psychology of
Speaker 1: so many men. And if you don't believe that porn
Speaker 1: has an influence, let me tell you this. Fully, one
Speaker 1: third of all content on the Internet is pornography and
Speaker 1: the average age that the American male begins viewing pornography
Speaker 1: is the age of eleven. So there, now they have
Speaker 1: been exposed to red nails wrapped around all kinds of
Speaker 1: appendages for years, and so as a result, they might have.
Speaker 2: An idea of what it's about.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 1: I would never tell a woman wear this, don't wear this.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying female mating strategy is know your audience,
Speaker 1: read the room, figure out what you got to do
Speaker 1: to close whatever deal you're looking for. And if you're
Speaker 1: looking for a fun romp, go for.
Speaker 2: It, ladies, go for it. Why not?
Speaker 1: I see people sometimes say that I am old fashioned
Speaker 1: because I preach human bonding is so good for our
Speaker 1: health and long term monogamy is so good for our health. Well,
Speaker 1: that's what the research does support, but that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that during the course of one's lifetime you might not
Speaker 1: have a variety of different kinds of relationships. And that
Speaker 1: brings the Doctor Wendy Walls Show to a close. It
Speaker 1: is always my pleasure to be with you every Sunday
Speaker 1: night from seven to nine pm, and you can always
Speaker 1: follow me online. Handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh dot com, Instagram,
Speaker 1: and TikTok. I'm most often on and I also have
Speaker 1: a really fun Patreon group.
Speaker 2: Wednesday nights at six o'clock.
Speaker 1: Come on over you just go to Patreon dot com
Speaker 1: slash doctor Wendy Walsh. But I'm always here for you
Speaker 1: every Sunday from seven to nine and if you miss
Speaker 1: any part of the show, you just download that iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: app and you can listen to it anytime during the week.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
Speaker 1: hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
Speaker 1: to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.