WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KF 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.480 demand on the iHeartRadio app. Hey f, I Am six forty. 4 00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:11.279 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 5 00:00:11.320 --> 00:00:14.199 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome now my 6 00:00:14.519 --> 00:00:17.399 Instagram audience. So nice to see some of you from 7 00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:18.960 all over the country, in fact, but a lot of 8 00:00:18.960 --> 00:00:22.399 you in southern California. And if you would like to 9 00:00:22.440 --> 00:00:25.280 call in with a relationship question, I am here for you. 10 00:00:26.359 --> 00:00:28.920 The number is one eight hundred five two zero one 11 00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:31.359 five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who. 12 00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:31.519 Do we have? 13 00:00:31.600 --> 00:00:31.920 First? 14 00:00:31.960 --> 00:00:35.119 We have Ricky with the question. Ricky. Hi, Ricky, it's 15 00:00:35.159 --> 00:00:35.840 doctor Wendy. 16 00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:38.479 Hey, doctor, how are you doing good? 17 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:39.159 What's your question? 18 00:00:40.320 --> 00:00:43.000 My question is simple because I've heard many times over 19 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:46.920 the years from women of different ages or different stages 20 00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:51.240 of life. Hey, you don't listen to me, Ricky. You're 21 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:57.840 not listening to me. It means something different. 22 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:01.039 Because your ears do work. I know, Ricky, because you're 23 00:01:01.039 --> 00:01:04.159 hearing me right now. So when a woman says to you, Ricky, 24 00:01:04.200 --> 00:01:07.879 you're not listening to me. What she's really saying is 25 00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:13.840 I don't feel understood, can you? And in fact, your 26 00:01:13.959 --> 00:01:17.480 response at that point should be what I think I'm 27 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:21.400 hearing is and then make new words. This is called 28 00:01:21.439 --> 00:01:24.480 emotional mirroring, and so you make new words for what 29 00:01:24.519 --> 00:01:27.799 you think they heard they said. So they're going to say, 30 00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:32.280 you know, whatever their complaint is, and you're going to 31 00:01:32.359 --> 00:01:35.799 disagree with them or say whatever or defend yourself and 32 00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:38.040 they're going to say, you're not listening to me. So 33 00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:40.879 your answer is going to be, well, what I think 34 00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:45.920 I heard is that I'm responsible for all of your feelings. 35 00:01:46.239 --> 00:01:46.920 That's a good one. 36 00:01:47.760 --> 00:01:50.640 Or what I think I heard is that you're not 37 00:01:50.920 --> 00:01:55.719 happy with the way I whatever. Right, give their feeling 38 00:01:55.760 --> 00:01:58.799 a name, try to be a feeling detective. But yes, 39 00:01:59.159 --> 00:02:01.840 too many people make that mistake, Ricky, of saying in 40 00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:05.680 their relationships, you're not listening, and clearly we all have 41 00:02:05.799 --> 00:02:09.159 ears we're hearing and that's not what they mean. Thank 42 00:02:09.199 --> 00:02:12.159 you for calling. That's a great question. All right, Producer, Kayla, 43 00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:15.960 who do we have next? So we have Darryl next, Daryl, Darryl, Hey, Darryl. 44 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:18.960 All right, doctor Whitney, how are you? 45 00:02:19.039 --> 00:02:19.680 What's your question? 46 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:21.439 Uh? 47 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:24.879 I think you know, you touched on a subject tonight 48 00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:27.039 that was really hit home for me. I was like, 49 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:31.039 I've been in love with this woman for sixteen years. 50 00:02:31.680 --> 00:02:36.919 She got diagnosed with MS oh dear, and she really 51 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:40.560 has just took a turn like for the worst, and 52 00:02:40.599 --> 00:02:43.080 it seems like she doesn't have any time for me anymore. 53 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:47.800 She sleeps like for days, you know, and I'm like all. 54 00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:51.000 Text her and then she wakes up and she's really crabby. 55 00:02:51.080 --> 00:02:54.520 Let me tell you what, and it's just her. I 56 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:57.199 don't know what's to you know, I'm in early recovery 57 00:02:57.759 --> 00:02:59.960 and I've just mainly been focusing on my self. 58 00:03:01.319 --> 00:03:04.280 It sounds like both of you are healing. She's got 59 00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:08.639 her MS, you're in recovery, and you're feeling that while 60 00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:11.919 each of you are focusing on your separate healing, that 61 00:03:11.960 --> 00:03:12.879 you're growing apart. 62 00:03:13.520 --> 00:03:14.280 Is that what I'm hearing? 63 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:17.360 Yeah, yeah, that is Yeah. 64 00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:21.520 So I think you know, in this case, learning to 65 00:03:22.919 --> 00:03:26.560 talking to her, maybe about converting the relationship to friendship 66 00:03:26.599 --> 00:03:30.719 so that you're free to find another kind of love 67 00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:34.879 might be wise. But I think that after sixteen years, 68 00:03:35.400 --> 00:03:39.280 you owe her some support and some love, right, I mean, 69 00:03:39.400 --> 00:03:41.800 I don't think you're going to bail on her because 70 00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:44.639 she's sick. But on the other hand, when we are, 71 00:03:44.680 --> 00:03:46.639 when our bodies are failing and we're in such a 72 00:03:46.680 --> 00:03:50.319 regressed state, sometimes people aren't fun to be around and 73 00:03:50.360 --> 00:03:52.240 it can be very difficult. So you've got your own 74 00:03:52.280 --> 00:03:54.759 emotional needs at the same time. So I want you 75 00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:58.240 to look at your whole life and all your social 76 00:03:58.280 --> 00:04:02.560 support and ask yourself, where can I get my emotional 77 00:04:02.599 --> 00:04:05.080 needs met in a different way while still supporting the 78 00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:07.800 woman I love? Or is there a way to convert 79 00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:12.039 the romantic relationship with the woman I love into friendship 80 00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:16.519 so that I can pursue romantic elsewhere. But these conversations 81 00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:19.600 need to be had, and you know they have a 82 00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:23.519 lot to do with our own values and morals. But 83 00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:26.399 as you said, you're also in recovery trying to take 84 00:04:26.439 --> 00:04:29.319 care of yourself. And I'm a big believer, and you 85 00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:32.879 got to put your own oxygen mask on first before 86 00:04:32.920 --> 00:04:35.759 you can help anybody else. And so taking care of 87 00:04:35.800 --> 00:04:40.480 ourself is not selfish, it is self liss so that 88 00:04:40.519 --> 00:04:43.079 we can help others. So I'm sorry you're going through this, Daryl, 89 00:04:43.120 --> 00:04:47.079 but thank you very much for calling. All Right, Producer Kayla, 90 00:04:47.079 --> 00:04:47.759 who do we have next? 91 00:04:47.800 --> 00:04:50.680 We have Craig with a question. Craig, Hi, Craig, it's 92 00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:51.399 doctor Wendy. 93 00:04:52.600 --> 00:04:54.519 How you going, Wendy good. 94 00:04:54.560 --> 00:05:00.720 We got a lot of guys today. What's your question? Hi, Craig, and. 95 00:05:01.240 --> 00:05:02.519 Only have one girl. 96 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:11.079 I'm just thanking them, said two years ago, will blind 97 00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:14.160 on that side. 98 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:18.240 I'm a lot old thing now to a camp out 99 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:18.800 of the girl. 100 00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:22.480 So here's my suggestion for you. 101 00:05:22.600 --> 00:05:25.800 It sounds like, Craig, what you're sharing with me is 102 00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:28.480 that you're at a stage in your life where you're 103 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:31.720 older and alone and you want to have a connection 104 00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:37.000 with somebody. And my advice would be to get social 105 00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:43.839 support wherever you can join a group, volunteer, reach out 106 00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:47.199 for services that are available so you can meet other people. 107 00:05:47.399 --> 00:05:49.399 You just need to get out in the world. If 108 00:05:49.399 --> 00:05:53.600 your focus is only finding a girlfriend or romance, that 109 00:05:53.800 --> 00:05:57.120 becomes just a trail of disappointments because it's one after another. 110 00:05:57.480 --> 00:05:59.839 Just expand your social world. One of the things I've 111 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:03.439 notice that happens with a lot of men, especially after 112 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:08.399 divorce or their wife dies, is their social world becomes 113 00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:11.680 smaller and smaller and smaller, and men need to learn 114 00:06:12.120 --> 00:06:17.120 how to extend their social world. Thank you for calling, Craig. 115 00:06:17.160 --> 00:06:19.480 It's lovely to hear your voice. All right, who do 116 00:06:19.519 --> 00:06:21.079 we have next? We have time for one more before 117 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:21.439 the break? 118 00:06:21.439 --> 00:06:23.839 We sure, do we have Nia with the question? Was 119 00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:24.279 that Nia? 120 00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:25.199 That was Nia? 121 00:06:25.360 --> 00:06:25.759 Nia? 122 00:06:25.879 --> 00:06:26.000 Hi? 123 00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:28.399 Nia, It's doctor Wendy. 124 00:06:28.600 --> 00:06:32.920 Hi, Hi, doctor Wendy. I have a question. So I'm 125 00:06:32.959 --> 00:06:37.319 in my early twenties and I'm in my first serious relationship. 126 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:41.079 It's been almost two years and my whole life, I've 127 00:06:41.079 --> 00:06:44.240 also had anxiety, and so a lot of times every 128 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:47.600 time I get in an argument or fight with my partner, 129 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:51.240 my first instinct is to break up. And I'm not 130 00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:54.279 sure because this has happened so often. If it means 131 00:06:54.720 --> 00:06:57.120 the relationship is just going awry and this isn't the 132 00:06:57.160 --> 00:07:00.439 person for me, or it just means maybe my nervous 133 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:04.000 system isn't regulated and maybe I've just had some bad 134 00:07:04.040 --> 00:07:08.079 experience experiences in the past that this is like, you know, 135 00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:10.120 testing me, you know what I mean. So it's hard 136 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:10.360 to know. 137 00:07:10.839 --> 00:07:13.920 So, Nia, I'm going to share some personal information with you. 138 00:07:14.560 --> 00:07:17.000 I used to have the fight or flight syndrome in 139 00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:20.839 my relationships. If there was any kind of argument or disagreement, 140 00:07:21.240 --> 00:07:22.800 I called it my running feeling. 141 00:07:22.920 --> 00:07:23.920 I would get in my stomach. 142 00:07:23.959 --> 00:07:25.839 I would get this running feeling like I just want 143 00:07:25.839 --> 00:07:27.759 to hang up the phone, run out the door, slam 144 00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:30.720 the door, drive away fast. It was just hard for 145 00:07:30.759 --> 00:07:34.360 me to stay in it during an argument or disagreement. 146 00:07:35.079 --> 00:07:38.439 But when I learned how to have healthier fights, and 147 00:07:38.519 --> 00:07:40.439 I would suggest that the two of you might see 148 00:07:40.480 --> 00:07:43.040 a licensed therapist so you could learn some skills, because 149 00:07:43.040 --> 00:07:44.680 you're both young and this is the time to lay 150 00:07:44.720 --> 00:07:48.519 down the strategies. But when I hear you say, well, 151 00:07:48.560 --> 00:07:51.319 I'm wondering if it's just my anxiety, and you know, 152 00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:54.319 then you're taking too much blame on yourself. 153 00:07:54.399 --> 00:07:55.439 I don't like to hear that. 154 00:07:55.639 --> 00:07:58.800 Okay, I want to see that the two of you, 155 00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:03.120 after an argument or a disagreement or a fight, know 156 00:08:03.360 --> 00:08:07.079 each other better and become closer because of it. And 157 00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:12.199 those are skills that can be learned nia. So you 158 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:14.439 know this is the time, this is the time, your 159 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:15.920 age to learn those skills. 160 00:08:16.199 --> 00:08:18.199 Thank you so much for calling. All right, we're gonna 161 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:19.240 take a break. When we come back. 162 00:08:20.040 --> 00:08:23.279 The number is one eight hundred five two zero one 163 00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:27.040 five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero, one, five, 164 00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:29.959 three four. If you've got a relationship question, give us 165 00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:32.039 a call. You are listening to the Doctor Wendywalls Show 166 00:08:32.080 --> 00:08:33.600 on KFI AM six forty. 167 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:36.360 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 168 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:41.600 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 169 00:08:41.799 --> 00:08:44.480 AM six forty. 170 00:08:44.559 --> 00:08:47.480 Kf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh 171 00:08:47.559 --> 00:08:50.159 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 172 00:08:50.200 --> 00:08:52.799 Okay, I am going to social media to answer your 173 00:08:52.840 --> 00:08:57.080 relationship questions. Actually I was live earlier on TikTok and 174 00:08:57.120 --> 00:08:59.559 then I was live on Instagram and some of the 175 00:08:59.600 --> 00:09:02.440 people I wrote their questions, you know, in the comments, 176 00:09:02.440 --> 00:09:04.519 So I wrote a couple of them down as well. 177 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:08.159 Plus some of you have been sending me dms. Okay, 178 00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:11.960 we have the one question for you that we got 179 00:09:11.960 --> 00:09:13.840 a little earlier too. Oh we have a talk back. 180 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:15.840 Why don't we play that first? 181 00:09:17.240 --> 00:09:19.679 Hi, Doctor Wendy. My girlfriend and I have been together 182 00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:22.559 for six months. I'm forty nine, she's thirty nine. She 183 00:09:22.639 --> 00:09:26.000 has two kids. I have one. She has two divorces. 184 00:09:26.039 --> 00:09:28.200 I have two divorces. And we had a fight the 185 00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:30.799 other night and we don't know how to fight. So 186 00:09:30.879 --> 00:09:33.919 we are both on board for couple's therapy. But that 187 00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:37.000 little residual piece in the back of my mind is saying, 188 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:40.679 if we're doing couple's therapy at this point in the relationship, 189 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:43.600 are we doomed? Can you help settle my mind? 190 00:09:43.759 --> 00:09:47.399 Thank you, You are not doomed. In fact, you are 191 00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:52.759 doing the exact right thing. Both of you have two 192 00:09:53.759 --> 00:09:57.360 marriages behind you, two divorces, and I want to remind 193 00:09:57.480 --> 00:10:01.200 everybody who's listening the divorce does not teach you how 194 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:04.559 to be a better mate. Divorce does not teach you 195 00:10:04.759 --> 00:10:09.159 how to choose a better mate. Divorce teaches you that 196 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:15.159 you can survive divorce. So therefore, every subsequent marriage, the 197 00:10:15.240 --> 00:10:19.679 divorce rate goes up. Right, Second marriage have a higher 198 00:10:19.679 --> 00:10:22.639 divorce rate than first marriages. Third marriages have an even 199 00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:25.919 higher divorce rate. So what you said was right. 200 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:27.240 You don't know. 201 00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:30.960 How to fight, and this is why you should go 202 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:36.279 to couple's therapy so you can learn the skills. Relationships 203 00:10:36.600 --> 00:10:40.879 are far more about skill than luck, and those skills 204 00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:41.840 can be learned. 205 00:10:42.519 --> 00:10:45.000 You are not doomed. In fact. 206 00:10:45.360 --> 00:10:48.200 The fact that you're going to couples therapy so early 207 00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:51.360 in your relationship six months into it tells me that 208 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:54.480 you've got a good chance of succeeding this time. And 209 00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:57.480 also six months is usually around the time where the 210 00:10:57.840 --> 00:11:00.320 you know, the the lust and the limerins is starting 211 00:11:00.360 --> 00:11:02.720 to wear off. And now it's a real reality check, right, 212 00:11:02.799 --> 00:11:05.679 You're seeing a real human And so this is the 213 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:08.639 time where you're going to see little conflict or flaws, 214 00:11:08.679 --> 00:11:10.679 and this is the time to go to therapy and 215 00:11:10.759 --> 00:11:14.519 learn how to work it out, especially because down the 216 00:11:14.600 --> 00:11:17.879 road you might consider creating a blended family because you 217 00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:21.200 both have kids, and in that case, you really want 218 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:23.519 to do it delicately because it's not about two people 219 00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:24.360 in this relationship. 220 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:27.799 It's what five four or five? Yeah, a lot. Thank you. 221 00:11:27.879 --> 00:11:30.480 That's a really really good question. Keep it up, go 222 00:11:30.519 --> 00:11:31.919 to therapy, all right. 223 00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:35.200 Also, somebody on TikTok asked me, They said, I asked 224 00:11:35.240 --> 00:11:37.600 you this last week and you didn't answer it. So 225 00:11:37.639 --> 00:11:40.360 I'm going to do it this week for me to 226 00:11:40.440 --> 00:11:44.679 list some green flags in a healthy partner. So, therefore, 227 00:11:44.679 --> 00:11:46.879 if you're just starting to date somebody, how do you 228 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:49.440 know it's safe to move forward? And I have one 229 00:11:49.519 --> 00:11:52.279 rule of thumb, which is simply, well two things. Actually, 230 00:11:52.279 --> 00:11:56.159 the two big ones are One is that their actions 231 00:11:56.519 --> 00:11:59.799 match their words. There's a lot of people who talk 232 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:04.480 up a good story. They're wooing you, they're trying hard 233 00:12:04.519 --> 00:12:07.519 to win your love, but then they don't actually do 234 00:12:07.919 --> 00:12:10.080 what they say they're gonna do. So if they make 235 00:12:10.240 --> 00:12:14.279 tiny little promises like I'll let me drive next time, 236 00:12:14.440 --> 00:12:18.159 or let me call this person for a business referral 237 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:20.320 for you, or oh, I know how to fix that, 238 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:22.840 you know, gas hose on your dryer, Let me come over. 239 00:12:22.679 --> 00:12:23.039 And do it. 240 00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:26.200 If they actually do all the tiny little promises that 241 00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:29.279 they're promising during the courtship, this is a good sign, right. 242 00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:31.759 And the second thing is. 243 00:12:32.840 --> 00:12:39.399 That they respect your voice, that you feel understood, that 244 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:44.759 you feel heard. So if you're dating somebody and you're like, no, 245 00:12:45.000 --> 00:12:48.039 I said I didn't eat meat, why did you take 246 00:12:48.080 --> 00:12:49.000 me to Hamburger place? 247 00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:49.399 Right? 248 00:12:49.639 --> 00:12:51.759 No, but you'll love this. There's a different kind of Hamger. 249 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:52.480 You're gonna love this. 250 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:55.240 No, no, no, no, they're not listening to you. They're not 251 00:12:55.279 --> 00:12:59.799 respecting you. So the big green flags are their action 252 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:05.200 match their words and you feel heard and respected. Those 253 00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:08.600 are the big ones, all right. And another listener on 254 00:13:08.679 --> 00:13:12.200 Instagram asked me they felt that they are have an 255 00:13:12.240 --> 00:13:14.360 avoidant attachment style and. 256 00:13:14.200 --> 00:13:15.120 Could they be healed. 257 00:13:15.240 --> 00:13:18.559 So I corrected them on the word healed, because when 258 00:13:18.600 --> 00:13:21.440 you have an avoidant attachment style, it doesn't mean you're sick, 259 00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:24.679 it doesn't mean you're ill, doesn't mean you're highly dysfunctional. 260 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:29.679 It means that you have learned early in life to 261 00:13:29.799 --> 00:13:35.000 protect yourself from closeness and intimacy because it can feel terrifying. 262 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:36.919 You don't know how to negotiate your way through it, 263 00:13:37.200 --> 00:13:40.919 and so you have these avoidant strategies to sort of 264 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.440 keep people close but kind of push them away at 265 00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:47.200 the same time. Unfortunately, people start to realize if they 266 00:13:47.240 --> 00:13:51.600 have avoidant attachment style that either they're attracted to people 267 00:13:51.639 --> 00:13:53.919 with an anxious attachment style and it seems like they're 268 00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:56.600 always hurting them it's not your fault, you're not hurting 269 00:13:56.679 --> 00:14:01.039 them on purpose, or you're just having trouble having close 270 00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:04.399 intimate relationships. People are saying, you don't really tell me 271 00:14:04.440 --> 00:14:08.559 anything personal about you, You don't open up right. So again, 272 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:13.840 the answer to this is therapy. I say it all 273 00:14:13.840 --> 00:14:16.759 the time. See a licensed therapist who can teach you 274 00:14:17.080 --> 00:14:21.279 good communication skills, teach you to tolerate intimacy. The first 275 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:24.360 person person you're going to practice with is your therapist, 276 00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:29.360 being open and honest and vulnerable and being able to 277 00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:34.120 tolerate those conversations. And that is how you change your 278 00:14:34.120 --> 00:14:39.240 attachment style, not heal change it right, all right? Moving on, 279 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:44.919 This person writes, my boyfriend and I are moving in together. 280 00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:46.320 Doctor Wendy wohoo. 281 00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:51.519 We planned on doing fifty to fifty rent, but now 282 00:14:51.840 --> 00:14:54.320 I see that he actually makes more money than me 283 00:14:54.840 --> 00:14:59.120 while I work three jobs to afford the fifty percent rent? 284 00:14:59.799 --> 00:15:04.320 Is is fair? Are you asking me? Because you're telling me, 285 00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:07.320 I'll just tell you it's not fair. Of course, it's 286 00:15:07.399 --> 00:15:10.000 not fair. And you guys need to have a conversation 287 00:15:10.039 --> 00:15:12.480 about this, you know. Susie Orman says the best way 288 00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:15.720 to split expenses is based on percentage of income. So 289 00:15:15.799 --> 00:15:18.159 if one person I'm making up these numbers, if one 290 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:20.639 person makes one hundred thousand dollars a year and the 291 00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:24.120 other person makes fifty thousand dollars a year, then somebody 292 00:15:24.159 --> 00:15:26.440 should pay two times what the other's paying and rent. 293 00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:29.440 You just break it up proportionately, and then as your 294 00:15:29.480 --> 00:15:33.919 income changes, you might adjust it along the way. So 295 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:36.440 you've got to be brave bring this up, because no, 296 00:15:36.759 --> 00:15:40.000 that is not fair. He's got one job, you got three, 297 00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:45.159 and you're trying to keep up with the Joneses. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, 298 00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:48.320 here's a good one, Dear doctor Wendy. I'm dating a 299 00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:51.399 man who claims he's divorced from his wife. I love 300 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:56.600 that word claims. He even claims to have dated since 301 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:00.759 they divorced, but that relationship didn't work out. So I 302 00:16:00.840 --> 00:16:04.679 found his ex wife's social media and she is flawless. 303 00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:05.240 We'll stop that. 304 00:16:05.320 --> 00:16:07.559 Who cares what she looks like on that side, what's 305 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:09.960 going on the inside. But here's the thing that gets me. 306 00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:15.360 She also still has all their family pictures up on 307 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:23.120 social media. Should I be concerned? Yes, this woman hasn't 308 00:16:23.159 --> 00:16:27.240 moved on. They're either not actually divorced. When you say 309 00:16:27.279 --> 00:16:29.799 family pictures, I assume he's in the pictures too, right, 310 00:16:30.279 --> 00:16:33.440 So they're either not actually divorced and he's just lying 311 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:36.759 and he's a cheater, or I'm just saying all the options, 312 00:16:37.240 --> 00:16:40.519 or she is not over it. Maybe they're like legally 313 00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:43.279 separated and she's trying to get him back. Because I'm 314 00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:45.440 telling you, if they were divorced, she would be putting 315 00:16:45.480 --> 00:16:47.720 hot single pictures of herself out there. She would be 316 00:16:47.720 --> 00:16:50.720 selling herself in the mating marketplace. So she's got family 317 00:16:50.799 --> 00:16:53.320 pictures of her and him and the kids. It's her saying, 318 00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:56.679 this is the public image I want to have. So 319 00:16:56.840 --> 00:16:59.360 why does she want to have this public image? She 320 00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:03.480 either wants to I'm back or they're not divorced. She 321 00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:07.160 hasn't lost him. Who it's a good one. I write 322 00:17:07.160 --> 00:17:09.799 me back. I want to know what happens in that one. 323 00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:15.519 All right, Dear doctor Wendy. Every time I text this 324 00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:18.359 man i'm dating, I text what are you doing? He 325 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:24.079 always responds drinking or about to have a drink? How 326 00:17:24.119 --> 00:17:26.599 do I ask if he has a problem? Or should 327 00:17:26.599 --> 00:17:28.319 I just note it as a red flag and leave. 328 00:17:28.640 --> 00:17:30.680 I don't like it when people just go, well, he 329 00:17:30.759 --> 00:17:33.240 must have a problem. I'm just leaving, Like, why don't 330 00:17:33.240 --> 00:17:33.839 you explore? 331 00:17:34.240 --> 00:17:35.119 And how do you ask? 332 00:17:35.240 --> 00:17:37.920 You simply say and don't do it in a text. 333 00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:40.359 Next time you're talking, say hey, I have a question. 334 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:42.079 Last couple of times I texted to you are about 335 00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:42.640 to have a drink? 336 00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:46.200 Do you drink every day? And how much? I'm just curious. 337 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:49.680 There's nothing wrong with asking you have every right to ask. 338 00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:53.440 I've been drinking every day lately, just letting you know, well, no, 339 00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.559 what happened is Kayla? 340 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:58.240 Why are you laughing? I just wasn't expecting that. 341 00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:02.960 So I wanted to build a tolerance before the wedding, 342 00:18:03.160 --> 00:18:04.680 and now I have a tolerance. So I've been having 343 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:06.799 two glasses or Sundays three glasses of wine every night. So 344 00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:08.519 I need what they call a tolerance break. 345 00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:11.039 I had a lot of wine around your I get it. 346 00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:11.960 I get it. 347 00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:15.039 We'll take that tolerance break this week. All right, when 348 00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:16.640 we come back, where are we going after this? Help me? 349 00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:19.720 Help me, help me. There's so much happenings. Oh. 350 00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:25.200 Three ways that conflict can strengthen your relationship. You are 351 00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:27.640 listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM 352 00:18:27.680 --> 00:18:30.440 six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 353 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:35.240 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 354 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:36.279 AM six forty. 355 00:18:37.799 --> 00:18:40.200 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 356 00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:44.519 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So 357 00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:49.519 I am not afraid of conflict, but you know that 358 00:18:49.799 --> 00:18:53.200 about me. I mean I stood up to one of 359 00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:57.000 the biggest former sexual harassers of all time. I was 360 00:18:57.200 --> 00:19:01.319 fearless about. You can go read about it, Google it. 361 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:08.920 You know, I'm not afraid to be strident, to be frank, 362 00:19:09.799 --> 00:19:14.920 to be outspoken, and if something bothers me, even in 363 00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:20.480 my most intimate relationships, I have no problem bringing it up. Yeah, 364 00:19:21.039 --> 00:19:23.839 everybody's got a couple little tender spots that are a 365 00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:26.680 little bit harder to bring up. And I won't disclose 366 00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:29.799 what my tiny one is because you know, I'd have 367 00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:33.880 to ask Coolio's permission first. But having said that, there 368 00:19:33.880 --> 00:19:39.440 are some people who are totally conflict avoidant. They actually 369 00:19:39.519 --> 00:19:44.160 think that the best relationships are relationships with no fighting, 370 00:19:44.519 --> 00:19:49.279 no conflict at all. The research, however, does not support 371 00:19:49.319 --> 00:19:56.960 that idea. In fact, research shows that long term, happily 372 00:19:57.079 --> 00:20:04.440 married or happily together couples have actually frequent border skirmishes, 373 00:20:04.839 --> 00:20:10.400 little arguments. They're constantly negotiating their boundaries. It never goes away. 374 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:16.319 And because they have so much gentle conflict, respectful conflict, 375 00:20:16.359 --> 00:20:21.920 sometimes playful conflict, they don't have the big, knockdown, drag 376 00:20:22.000 --> 00:20:25.319 them out crazy arguments where the neighbors are freaking out 377 00:20:25.839 --> 00:20:30.480 because they clear the air all the time. They're doing 378 00:20:30.519 --> 00:20:34.160 it all the time. They're not like bottling stuff inside 379 00:20:34.599 --> 00:20:36.640 until it just bursts and them before you know it, 380 00:20:36.680 --> 00:20:39.039 you're saying things like and another thing. 381 00:20:39.279 --> 00:20:42.559 And remember that time, and you always do that. 382 00:20:42.680 --> 00:20:47.759 No, Nope, So I want to talk to you if 383 00:20:47.799 --> 00:20:51.359 you have been one of those people who's kind of 384 00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:56.240 afraid to bring up the tender topics in your relationship. 385 00:20:56.359 --> 00:21:00.240 Now I know why you're afraid. You're afraid because will 386 00:21:00.279 --> 00:21:05.559 threaten the relationship. You're afraid that you'll make your partner angry. 387 00:21:05.599 --> 00:21:08.440 And if you make your partner angry, by the way, 388 00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:12.160 you can't make anybody have another feeling. It's important to 389 00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:15.480 know people own their own feelings and they've chosen to 390 00:21:15.519 --> 00:21:17.519 respond in a certain way, or they've got their own 391 00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:20.559 life experience or perceptions that brings up certain feelings. But 392 00:21:20.599 --> 00:21:24.839 it's not that you ever make someone have a feeling, 393 00:21:25.400 --> 00:21:28.680 or you don't make someone behave in a certain way. 394 00:21:29.559 --> 00:21:33.160 Everybody is responsible for their own behavior, including. 395 00:21:32.759 --> 00:21:34.039 You, your own behavior. 396 00:21:34.759 --> 00:21:38.960 So I know that people who are conflict avoidant are 397 00:21:39.279 --> 00:21:43.400 terrified that it will turn into something so big that 398 00:21:43.480 --> 00:21:47.880 it will rupture the relationship. But actually there's research to 399 00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:54.920 show that actually conflict can strengthen a relationship. There's a 400 00:21:54.920 --> 00:22:00.599 new study published in Psychological Science. It found that when 401 00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:05.359