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<v Speaker 1>Section two of This Giddy Globe by Oliver Herford. This

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<v Speaker 1>Librivok's recording is in the public domain. Part two The

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<v Speaker 1>Countries of the Earth. The countries of the Earth may

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<v Speaker 1>be divided into two groups, the English speaking countries and

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<v Speaker 1>the foreign countries. The English speaking countries, which comprise the

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<v Speaker 1>United States and the British Empire, occupy one fourth of

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<v Speaker 1>the entire surface of the globe. The rest are just

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<v Speaker 1>foreign countries. Chapter eighteen, The Poles. The Earth has three

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<v Speaker 1>kinds of poles, the frigid poles in the north and south,

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<v Speaker 1>and the very hot poles in the center of Europe.

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<v Speaker 1>This chapter is about the North Pole. The North Pole

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<v Speaker 1>is the geographical interrogation point of the Earth. It is

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<v Speaker 1>probably the only absolutely moral spot in the world. Scientists

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<v Speaker 1>declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden,

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<v Speaker 1>thus giving color to the popular notion that Eden was

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<v Speaker 1>the original roof Garden. The only language that has ever

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<v Speaker 1>been spoken at the North Pole is English, the language

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<v Speaker 1>that Lieutenant Perry used when he found the footprint of

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<v Speaker 1>doctor Cook on the pole. Whatever else it might be,

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<v Speaker 1>was English, and the language of the next discoverer when

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<v Speaker 1>he finds or does not find the footprint of Lieutenant

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<v Speaker 1>Perry will probably be English too. Whatever use may be

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<v Speaker 1>ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the present

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<v Speaker 1>time it has only been used for advertising purposes. The

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<v Speaker 1>frozen tracks that surround it bear the names of adventurers,

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<v Speaker 1>princes and editors, and the very topmost tip, out of

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<v Speaker 1>compliment to a well known pianist and politician, has been

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<v Speaker 1>called the Magnetic Pole. So far as we know, all

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<v Speaker 1>the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by the

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<v Speaker 1>South Pole, But for some reason, the South Pole has

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<v Speaker 1>never been so successful as an advertising medium. Chapter nineteen.

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<v Speaker 1>America Let us see America First? On a modern map

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<v Speaker 1>of the Western Hemisphere is as easy to see as

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<v Speaker 1>the decorations on the breast of a rear admiral of

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<v Speaker 1>a dry dock. One wonders how it escaped being discovered

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<v Speaker 1>so long. But when you look at this map of

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<v Speaker 1>the Western Hemisphere as it appeared about a thousand years ago,

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<v Speaker 1>when Leif Ericson discovered New England, you will understand that

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<v Speaker 1>discovering America in those days was no child's play. Nevertheless, Leif,

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<v Speaker 1>the son of Eric, did not think much of his

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<v Speaker 1>find How could a low browed Viking be expected to

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<v Speaker 1>understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston

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<v Speaker 1>in a thousand years. After writing his Impressions of America

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<v Speaker 1>and obscure runes on a conspicuous rock, Leif pulled up

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<v Speaker 1>his anchor and sailed home to Norway. No one could

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<v Speaker 1>decipher the runes, but everybody suspected what they meant, and

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<v Speaker 1>Leif was justly punished for his rudeness. His statue stands,

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<v Speaker 1>so runs the tale in the Fanway of Boston to

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<v Speaker 1>this day. America was not discovered again for nearly five

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<v Speaker 1>hundred years. Then Christopher Columbus took a hand. But though

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<v Speaker 1>he made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly

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<v Speaker 1>neglected to write a book or even a magazine article

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<v Speaker 1>on his Impressions of America. A new path and navigation,

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<v Speaker 1>just as in art or literature, once shown, is easy

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<v Speaker 1>to follow. And seven years later an Italian plagiarist named

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<v Speaker 1>Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole

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<v Speaker 1>continent in his own name. By this time, the accompanying

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<v Speaker 1>map will show the continent of America had gained considerably

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<v Speaker 1>in bulk and offered an easy mark to the hoarde

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<v Speaker 1>of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo. And

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<v Speaker 1>still they come. And though it is too late to

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<v Speaker 1>secure a copyright on the continent, they never failed to

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<v Speaker 1>copyright their impressions of America Chapter twenty. Boston, in spite

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<v Speaker 1>of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until

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<v Speaker 1>the year sixteen twenty, when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts,

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<v Speaker 1>a cargo of heirlooms, Boston terriers, beans, and ancestors. Thus

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<v Speaker 1>were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacturer

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<v Speaker 1>of genuine antique furniture, and degrees human and canine. Boston

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<v Speaker 1>is a center of gravity, completely surrounded by Newton's Boston

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<v Speaker 1>is also the center of the universe. The great poet

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<v Speaker 1>Anonymous has immortalized Boston as the home of the bean

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<v Speaker 1>and the cod, where Lowells speak only to Cobbot's and

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<v Speaker 1>cabots speak only to God. Some say the lines were

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<v Speaker 1>not written by Anonymous, but by a later poet named Ibid,

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<v Speaker 1>But what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors.

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<v Speaker 1>Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks, which

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<v Speaker 1>well repay a visit. Even the quaint and curious pullmans

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<v Speaker 1>that convey the traveler. Thither are relics of a bygone day,

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<v Speaker 1>and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian, Chapter

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<v Speaker 1>twenty one. The United States. The United States is a

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<v Speaker 1>large body of laughter loving people, completely surrounded by trusts.

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<v Speaker 1>It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is

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<v Speaker 1>food so plentiful, Nowhere are the cows so friendly, the

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<v Speaker 1>hens so industrious. When the American hens die, they go

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<v Speaker 1>to join their unhatched children in a cold storage heaven,

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<v Speaker 1>where they live forever. So to the cows, so to

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<v Speaker 1>the fish, if there is room for them. If not,

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<v Speaker 1>they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling

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<v Speaker 1>down the market price. To add to the merriment of

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<v Speaker 1>the people, the sovereign farmers and financiers passed an amendment

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<v Speaker 1>to the Constitution and Holy writ see One Timothy five

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<v Speaker 1>twenty three, abolishing temperance, the sin of resisting temptation. At

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<v Speaker 1>their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grapevines have been destroyed.

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<v Speaker 1>And if these good and great men fulfill their promise

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<v Speaker 1>ere long, the nation will be saved also from the

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<v Speaker 1>ravages of the vicious tobecc. We fail to see what

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<v Speaker 1>this has to do with geography, the reader well to

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<v Speaker 1>return to the United States. The United States is a

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<v Speaker 1>large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian club whiskey,

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<v Speaker 1>on the south by Mexican pulke, and on the east

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<v Speaker 1>west by saltwater. The population consists of one hundred million

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<v Speaker 1>thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans, religious to a

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<v Speaker 1>fault and ambidexterously prodigal. They nevertheless show signs of reverting

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<v Speaker 1>to the condition of the arboreal anthropoids. A race of

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<v Speaker 1>straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they

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<v Speaker 1>may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging

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<v Speaker 1>from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar

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<v Speaker 1>whirling motion. The original inhabitants were red Indians. These were

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<v Speaker 1>supplanted by pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and

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<v Speaker 1>then settled the Indians. The Indian practice of painting and

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<v Speaker 1>wearing feathers shopped the pilgrim fathers and pilgrim mothers, but

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<v Speaker 1>the pilgrim daughters made a note of the fashions for

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<v Speaker 1>future use. The climate of the United States is bracing

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<v Speaker 1>and stimulating. Travelers have even been known to compare the

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<v Speaker 1>air to champagne, but though highly exhilarating, it is absolutely

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<v Speaker 1>non intoxicating. Prohibition chemists, after a careful analysis, having discovered

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<v Speaker 1>no perceptible trace of alcohol, the Anti Saloon League has

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<v Speaker 1>decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in

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<v Speaker 1>no way restricted. In large cities, the sky is kept

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<v Speaker 1>clean by means of tall skyscrapers. Nowhere is there a

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<v Speaker 1>more impressive example of American inventive genius than the array

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<v Speaker 1>of skyscrapers seen from New York Harbor day and night,

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<v Speaker 1>year in year out, scraping away the germ laden dust

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<v Speaker 1>and refuse, and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to

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<v Speaker 1>the surface of the sky. Another object of interest in

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<v Speaker 1>the harbor is the statue of a once popular favorite.

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<v Speaker 1>People who remember her say it is far from a

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<v Speaker 1>flattering likeness. The capital of the United States is Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>named after a famous Britisher who won American independence from

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<v Speaker 1>George the Third, the fat German King of unsound mind,

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<v Speaker 1>then holding down the English throne. New York is the

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<v Speaker 1>tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains

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<v Speaker 1>over five million people speaking a babble of twenty different

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<v Speaker 1>languages besides English. The inhabitants of America are the most

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<v Speaker 1>moral and patriotic people in the world, and their army

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<v Speaker 1>is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

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<v Speaker 1>Uncle Sam's phrenological Chart one thirst two, self effacement, three, calculation, four,

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<v Speaker 1>providence five, love of the almighty dollar, six, justice, seven,

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<v Speaker 1>somnolence eight, love of peaches, nine, pride of race ten,

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<v Speaker 1>nicotianity eleven, love of camp meetings twelve, fruitfulness thirteen, coonfulness

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<v Speaker 1>fourteen color, fifteen, levity sixteen, illicit, spirituality seventeen, love of

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<v Speaker 1>travel eighteen size nineteen, bashfullness twenty, scribosity twenty one, armorousness

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<v Speaker 1>twenty two, horse sense twenty three, aquacity twenty four and

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<v Speaker 1>twenty five, prairiefulness twenty six, plainness twenty seven, incredulity twenty eight,

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<v Speaker 1>animosity twenty nine, nebraskability thirty love of freedom thirty one,

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<v Speaker 1>modesty thirty two, oregonality thirty three, forbearance thirty four, argentility,

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<v Speaker 1>thirty five, peak, thirty six, breadth thirty seven, presence of

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<v Speaker 1>mind thirty eight, gainfulness thirty nine, conjugality forty cowboyishness forty

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<v Speaker 1>one Sheepishness forty two, Reserve forty three Reciprocity Chapter twenty two. Canada. Canada,

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<v Speaker 1>with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of

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<v Speaker 1>North America not ruled by the Irish. In former days,

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<v Speaker 1>it was a popular health resort for frenzied financiers who

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<v Speaker 1>wish to retire from private life. It is now a

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<v Speaker 1>still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst. Though

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<v Speaker 1>next door neighbors and rivals in business, and what is

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<v Speaker 1>still more trying near relatives, Canada and the United States

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<v Speaker 1>are the best of friends. For over a hundred years,

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<v Speaker 1>there has not been so much as a picket fence

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<v Speaker 1>or a policeman, much less a patrol or fortification on

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<v Speaker 1>the borderline between the two countries. Canada has not, like

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<v Speaker 1>her sister Columbia, severed home ties. She is perfectly happy

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<v Speaker 1>under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a

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<v Speaker 1>latch key, and stays out as late as she pleases,

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<v Speaker 1>and has never been able to understand why girls leave home.

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<v Speaker 1>Though differing in many respects, the United States in Canada

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<v Speaker 1>have so much in common and are so nearly of

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<v Speaker 1>the same age and size that in any musical comedy

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<v Speaker 1>of Nations, the two might easily pass for a sister turn.

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<v Speaker 1>The inhabitants of Canada are the most moral and patriotic

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<v Speaker 1>people in the world, and their army is second to

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<v Speaker 1>none in bravery and won the World War Chapter twenty three,

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<v Speaker 1>Great Britain. If you look carefully under the upper left

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<v Speaker 1>hand corner of the map of Europe, you will find

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<v Speaker 1>a small pink island, no bigger than the state of Idaho.

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<v Speaker 1>But a country must not be judged by its size.

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<v Speaker 1>The planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this

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<v Speaker 1>giddy globe of ours, and has eight private moons of

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<v Speaker 1>its own. But for all that, Jupiter is not a

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<v Speaker 1>desirable spot for lovers, being for the most part molten

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<v Speaker 1>and somewhat spotty, this little pink island is Great Britain,

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<v Speaker 1>the little mother of one fourth of all the countries

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<v Speaker 1>of the globe, including the United States. The English people,

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<v Speaker 1>or if one must be accurate, the British, are the

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<v Speaker 1>most to and froward people in the world. Like the

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<v Speaker 1>bear in the fable, when they are tired of going

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<v Speaker 1>to and fro, they reverse the process and go fro

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<v Speaker 1>and two with bibles and bathtubs and ballots, and beer

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<v Speaker 1>and hope and hygienics. They girdle the sphere in every

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<v Speaker 1>quarter of the globe. They have planted seeds of self government,

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<v Speaker 1>which today are blossoming in who in English speaking Union

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<v Speaker 1>under the British and American flags that embrace one fourth

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<v Speaker 1>of the surface of the Earth. The climate of England

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<v Speaker 1>is temperate. Its air is not like that of the

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<v Speaker 1>United States compared to Champagne. London, the capital, is famous

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<v Speaker 1>for its fogs. This is due to the absence of skyscrapers.

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<v Speaker 1>London is also the center of that vicious heritage of

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<v Speaker 1>the Victorian era, respectability. For any enjoyable degree of latitude,

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<v Speaker 1>the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Budapest and

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<v Speaker 1>other capitals, which in return take their degrees of longitude

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<v Speaker 1>from London or Greenwich. This picture showed the famous Rock

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<v Speaker 1>of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British Respectability

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<v Speaker 1>oniso equimalipins done into English. The principal products of Great

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<v Speaker 1>Britain are beef, bishops, banks, and barometers. The inhabitants of

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<v Speaker 1>England are the most moral and patriotic people in the world,

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<v Speaker 1>and Their army is second to Nun in bravery and

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<v Speaker 1>won the World War. Chapter twenty four. Scotland a mountainous

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<v Speaker 1>peady region in the northern part of Great Britain. The dew,

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<v Speaker 1>distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavored with the peat of

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<v Speaker 1>the valleys, is highly prized by the natives, not only

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<v Speaker 1>of Scotland, but of all the English speaking countries of

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<v Speaker 1>the Skiddy globe. The inhabitants are a tall, barbed, wiry,

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<v Speaker 1>music loving, pious and joke fearing race, fond of loud

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<v Speaker 1>plaids and still louder songs. Their tall, spare frames have

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<v Speaker 1>given rise to the term bony or bonnie Scotland, supposed

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<v Speaker 1>by some to be derived from bonnet, the NHS national headgear.

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<v Speaker 1>The principal products of Scotland are porridge, parsons and pilbrooks.

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<v Speaker 1>The inhabitants of Scotland are the most moral and patriotic

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<v Speaker 1>people in the world, and their army is second to

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<v Speaker 1>Noun in bravery and won the World War Chapter twenty five. Ireland.

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<v Speaker 1>Ireland is the land of the Irish bull, a paradoxical

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<v Speaker 1>bovine whose cross eyed horns kntosh. A British commonplace in

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<v Speaker 1>two directions at once. The population of Ireland consists chiefly

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<v Speaker 1>of absentee landlords and emigrants to the United States. They

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<v Speaker 1>are ruled by two absentee governments, a parliament at Westminster

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<v Speaker 1>and an itinerant president. The country is infested with absentee snakes.

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<v Speaker 1>It is believed that the serpent who tempted Eve from

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<v Speaker 1>the way he had with the women, was one of

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<v Speaker 1>these absentee snakes. Strabo, the Greek geographer who visited Ireland

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<v Speaker 1>long before Saint Patrick, describes the inhabitants as more savage,

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<v Speaker 1>and the Britons feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters,

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<v Speaker 1>deeming it commendable to devour the deceased fathers. Strabo evidently

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<v Speaker 1>attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the national beverage.

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<v Speaker 1>The principal products of Ireland are potatoes, pugilists, patriots, poteine,

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<v Speaker 1>and bernard Shaw. The inhabitants of Ireland are the most

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<v Speaker 1>moral and patriotic people in the world, and their army

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<v Speaker 1>is second to none in bravery and won the World

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<v Speaker 1>War Chapter twenty six. Whales see the Welsh rabbit. He

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<v Speaker 1>is bread on cheese, or cheese on bread, whichever way

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<v Speaker 1>you please. Although he's tough, he looks so mild. Who'd

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<v Speaker 1>think that a strong man from this small beast would

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<v Speaker 1>shrink Carolin Wells, Whales is the home of the Welsh Bards,

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<v Speaker 1>so called because the language in which they are written,

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<v Speaker 1>which resembles a mixture of Czech, Chinese, Celtic and Choctaw,

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<v Speaker 1>is barred from the concert and operatic stage. The most

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<v Speaker 1>famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince

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<v Speaker 1>of Wales, and Lloyd George. The Welsh Rabbit, born in

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<v Speaker 1>a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of Australia,

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<v Speaker 1>has spread all over the giddy globe and been a

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<v Speaker 1>potent factor in keeping the world awake. Boyd George, too,

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<v Speaker 1>strange parallel, was born in a political chafing dish and

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<v Speaker 1>has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the

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<v Speaker 1>world awake. Let us hope that the Prince of Wales,

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<v Speaker 1>bless him, will follow in the footsteps of this illustrious

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<v Speaker 1>pair and live to keep the world awake. Long after

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<v Speaker 1>this geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition. The

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<v Speaker 1>Prince has been immortalized in the following lines. Hooray, cried

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<v Speaker 1>the kitten. Hooray as he merrily set the sails. I

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<v Speaker 1>sail or the ocean today today, to look at the

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<v Speaker 1>Prince of Wales, Oh, kitten, pause at the brink and

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<v Speaker 1>think of the angry gales. Ah, yes, cried the kitten.

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<v Speaker 1>But think, oh, think of the Prince of Wales. But kitten,

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<v Speaker 1>I cried, dismayed. If you live through the angry gales,

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<v Speaker 1>you know you will be afraid to look at the

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<v Speaker 1>Prince of Wales, said the kitten. No such thing. Why

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<v Speaker 1>should he make me WinCE. If a cat may look

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<v Speaker 1>at a king, a kitten may look at a prince.

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<v Speaker 1>And of Section two