Speaker 1: Section two of This Giddy Globe by Oliver Herford. This
Speaker 1: Librivok's recording is in the public domain. Part two The
Speaker 1: Countries of the Earth. The countries of the Earth may
Speaker 1: be divided into two groups, the English speaking countries and
Speaker 1: the foreign countries. The English speaking countries, which comprise the
Speaker 1: United States and the British Empire, occupy one fourth of
Speaker 1: the entire surface of the globe. The rest are just
Speaker 1: foreign countries. Chapter eighteen, The Poles. The Earth has three
Speaker 1: kinds of poles, the frigid poles in the north and south,
Speaker 1: and the very hot poles in the center of Europe.
Speaker 1: This chapter is about the North Pole. The North Pole
Speaker 1: is the geographical interrogation point of the Earth. It is
Speaker 1: probably the only absolutely moral spot in the world. Scientists
Speaker 1: declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden,
Speaker 1: thus giving color to the popular notion that Eden was
Speaker 1: the original roof Garden. The only language that has ever
Speaker 1: been spoken at the North Pole is English, the language
Speaker 1: that Lieutenant Perry used when he found the footprint of
Speaker 1: doctor Cook on the pole. Whatever else it might be,
Speaker 1: was English, and the language of the next discoverer when
Speaker 1: he finds or does not find the footprint of Lieutenant
Speaker 1: Perry will probably be English too. Whatever use may be
Speaker 1: ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the present
Speaker 1: time it has only been used for advertising purposes. The
Speaker 1: frozen tracks that surround it bear the names of adventurers,
Speaker 1: princes and editors, and the very topmost tip, out of
Speaker 1: compliment to a well known pianist and politician, has been
Speaker 1: called the Magnetic Pole. So far as we know, all
Speaker 1: the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by the
Speaker 1: South Pole, But for some reason, the South Pole has
Speaker 1: never been so successful as an advertising medium. Chapter nineteen.
Speaker 1: America Let us see America First? On a modern map
Speaker 1: of the Western Hemisphere is as easy to see as
Speaker 1: the decorations on the breast of a rear admiral of
Speaker 1: a dry dock. One wonders how it escaped being discovered
Speaker 1: so long. But when you look at this map of
Speaker 1: the Western Hemisphere as it appeared about a thousand years ago,
Speaker 1: when Leif Ericson discovered New England, you will understand that
Speaker 1: discovering America in those days was no child's play. Nevertheless, Leif,
Speaker 1: the son of Eric, did not think much of his
Speaker 1: find How could a low browed Viking be expected to
Speaker 1: understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston
Speaker 1: in a thousand years. After writing his Impressions of America
Speaker 1: and obscure runes on a conspicuous rock, Leif pulled up
Speaker 1: his anchor and sailed home to Norway. No one could
Speaker 1: decipher the runes, but everybody suspected what they meant, and
Speaker 1: Leif was justly punished for his rudeness. His statue stands,
Speaker 1: so runs the tale in the Fanway of Boston to
Speaker 1: this day. America was not discovered again for nearly five
Speaker 1: hundred years. Then Christopher Columbus took a hand. But though
Speaker 1: he made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly
Speaker 1: neglected to write a book or even a magazine article
Speaker 1: on his Impressions of America. A new path and navigation,
Speaker 1: just as in art or literature, once shown, is easy
Speaker 1: to follow. And seven years later an Italian plagiarist named
Speaker 1: Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole
Speaker 1: continent in his own name. By this time, the accompanying
Speaker 1: map will show the continent of America had gained considerably
Speaker 1: in bulk and offered an easy mark to the hoarde
Speaker 1: of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo. And
Speaker 1: still they come. And though it is too late to
Speaker 1: secure a copyright on the continent, they never failed to
Speaker 1: copyright their impressions of America Chapter twenty. Boston, in spite
Speaker 1: of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until
Speaker 1: the year sixteen twenty, when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts,
Speaker 1: a cargo of heirlooms, Boston terriers, beans, and ancestors. Thus
Speaker 1: were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacturer
Speaker 1: of genuine antique furniture, and degrees human and canine. Boston
Speaker 1: is a center of gravity, completely surrounded by Newton's Boston
Speaker 1: is also the center of the universe. The great poet
Speaker 1: Anonymous has immortalized Boston as the home of the bean
Speaker 1: and the cod, where Lowells speak only to Cobbot's and
Speaker 1: cabots speak only to God. Some say the lines were
Speaker 1: not written by Anonymous, but by a later poet named Ibid,
Speaker 1: But what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors.
Speaker 1: Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks, which
Speaker 1: well repay a visit. Even the quaint and curious pullmans
Speaker 1: that convey the traveler. Thither are relics of a bygone day,
Speaker 1: and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian, Chapter
Speaker 1: twenty one. The United States. The United States is a
Speaker 1: large body of laughter loving people, completely surrounded by trusts.
Speaker 1: It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is
Speaker 1: food so plentiful, Nowhere are the cows so friendly, the
Speaker 1: hens so industrious. When the American hens die, they go
Speaker 1: to join their unhatched children in a cold storage heaven,
Speaker 1: where they live forever. So to the cows, so to
Speaker 1: the fish, if there is room for them. If not,
Speaker 1: they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling
Speaker 1: down the market price. To add to the merriment of
Speaker 1: the people, the sovereign farmers and financiers passed an amendment
Speaker 1: to the Constitution and Holy writ see One Timothy five
Speaker 1: twenty three, abolishing temperance, the sin of resisting temptation. At
Speaker 1: their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grapevines have been destroyed.
Speaker 1: And if these good and great men fulfill their promise
Speaker 1: ere long, the nation will be saved also from the
Speaker 1: ravages of the vicious tobecc. We fail to see what
Speaker 1: this has to do with geography, the reader well to
Speaker 1: return to the United States. The United States is a
Speaker 1: large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian club whiskey,
Speaker 1: on the south by Mexican pulke, and on the east
Speaker 1: west by saltwater. The population consists of one hundred million
Speaker 1: thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans, religious to a
Speaker 1: fault and ambidexterously prodigal. They nevertheless show signs of reverting
Speaker 1: to the condition of the arboreal anthropoids. A race of
Speaker 1: straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they
Speaker 1: may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging
Speaker 1: from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar
Speaker 1: whirling motion. The original inhabitants were red Indians. These were
Speaker 1: supplanted by pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and
Speaker 1: then settled the Indians. The Indian practice of painting and
Speaker 1: wearing feathers shopped the pilgrim fathers and pilgrim mothers, but
Speaker 1: the pilgrim daughters made a note of the fashions for
Speaker 1: future use. The climate of the United States is bracing
Speaker 1: and stimulating. Travelers have even been known to compare the
Speaker 1: air to champagne, but though highly exhilarating, it is absolutely
Speaker 1: non intoxicating. Prohibition chemists, after a careful analysis, having discovered
Speaker 1: no perceptible trace of alcohol, the Anti Saloon League has
Speaker 1: decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in
Speaker 1: no way restricted. In large cities, the sky is kept
Speaker 1: clean by means of tall skyscrapers. Nowhere is there a
Speaker 1: more impressive example of American inventive genius than the array
Speaker 1: of skyscrapers seen from New York Harbor day and night,
Speaker 1: year in year out, scraping away the germ laden dust
Speaker 1: and refuse, and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to
Speaker 1: the surface of the sky. Another object of interest in
Speaker 1: the harbor is the statue of a once popular favorite.
Speaker 1: People who remember her say it is far from a
Speaker 1: flattering likeness. The capital of the United States is Washington,
Speaker 1: named after a famous Britisher who won American independence from
Speaker 1: George the Third, the fat German King of unsound mind,
Speaker 1: then holding down the English throne. New York is the
Speaker 1: tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains
Speaker 1: over five million people speaking a babble of twenty different
Speaker 1: languages besides English. The inhabitants of America are the most
Speaker 1: moral and patriotic people in the world, and their army
Speaker 1: is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
Speaker 1: Uncle Sam's phrenological Chart one thirst two, self effacement, three, calculation, four,
Speaker 1: providence five, love of the almighty dollar, six, justice, seven,
Speaker 1: somnolence eight, love of peaches, nine, pride of race ten,
Speaker 1: nicotianity eleven, love of camp meetings twelve, fruitfulness thirteen, coonfulness
Speaker 1: fourteen color, fifteen, levity sixteen, illicit, spirituality seventeen, love of
Speaker 1: travel eighteen size nineteen, bashfullness twenty, scribosity twenty one, armorousness
Speaker 1: twenty two, horse sense twenty three, aquacity twenty four and
Speaker 1: twenty five, prairiefulness twenty six, plainness twenty seven, incredulity twenty eight,
Speaker 1: animosity twenty nine, nebraskability thirty love of freedom thirty one,
Speaker 1: modesty thirty two, oregonality thirty three, forbearance thirty four, argentility,
Speaker 1: thirty five, peak, thirty six, breadth thirty seven, presence of
Speaker 1: mind thirty eight, gainfulness thirty nine, conjugality forty cowboyishness forty
Speaker 1: one Sheepishness forty two, Reserve forty three Reciprocity Chapter twenty two. Canada. Canada,
Speaker 1: with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of
Speaker 1: North America not ruled by the Irish. In former days,
Speaker 1: it was a popular health resort for frenzied financiers who
Speaker 1: wish to retire from private life. It is now a
Speaker 1: still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst. Though
Speaker 1: next door neighbors and rivals in business, and what is
Speaker 1: still more trying near relatives, Canada and the United States
Speaker 1: are the best of friends. For over a hundred years,
Speaker 1: there has not been so much as a picket fence
Speaker 1: or a policeman, much less a patrol or fortification on
Speaker 1: the borderline between the two countries. Canada has not, like
Speaker 1: her sister Columbia, severed home ties. She is perfectly happy
Speaker 1: under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a
Speaker 1: latch key, and stays out as late as she pleases,
Speaker 1: and has never been able to understand why girls leave home.
Speaker 1: Though differing in many respects, the United States in Canada
Speaker 1: have so much in common and are so nearly of
Speaker 1: the same age and size that in any musical comedy
Speaker 1: of Nations, the two might easily pass for a sister turn.
Speaker 1: The inhabitants of Canada are the most moral and patriotic
Speaker 1: people in the world, and their army is second to
Speaker 1: none in bravery and won the World War Chapter twenty three,
Speaker 1: Great Britain. If you look carefully under the upper left
Speaker 1: hand corner of the map of Europe, you will find
Speaker 1: a small pink island, no bigger than the state of Idaho.
Speaker 1: But a country must not be judged by its size.
Speaker 1: The planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this
Speaker 1: giddy globe of ours, and has eight private moons of
Speaker 1: its own. But for all that, Jupiter is not a
Speaker 1: desirable spot for lovers, being for the most part molten
Speaker 1: and somewhat spotty, this little pink island is Great Britain,
Speaker 1: the little mother of one fourth of all the countries
Speaker 1: of the globe, including the United States. The English people,
Speaker 1: or if one must be accurate, the British, are the
Speaker 1: most to and froward people in the world. Like the
Speaker 1: bear in the fable, when they are tired of going
Speaker 1: to and fro, they reverse the process and go fro
Speaker 1: and two with bibles and bathtubs and ballots, and beer
Speaker 1: and hope and hygienics. They girdle the sphere in every
Speaker 1: quarter of the globe. They have planted seeds of self government,
Speaker 1: which today are blossoming in who in English speaking Union
Speaker 1: under the British and American flags that embrace one fourth
Speaker 1: of the surface of the Earth. The climate of England
Speaker 1: is temperate. Its air is not like that of the
Speaker 1: United States compared to Champagne. London, the capital, is famous
Speaker 1: for its fogs. This is due to the absence of skyscrapers.
Speaker 1: London is also the center of that vicious heritage of
Speaker 1: the Victorian era, respectability. For any enjoyable degree of latitude,
Speaker 1: the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Budapest and
Speaker 1: other capitals, which in return take their degrees of longitude
Speaker 1: from London or Greenwich. This picture showed the famous Rock
Speaker 1: of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British Respectability
Speaker 1: oniso equimalipins done into English. The principal products of Great
Speaker 1: Britain are beef, bishops, banks, and barometers. The inhabitants of
Speaker 1: England are the most moral and patriotic people in the world,
Speaker 1: and Their army is second to Nun in bravery and
Speaker 1: won the World War. Chapter twenty four. Scotland a mountainous
Speaker 1: peady region in the northern part of Great Britain. The dew,
Speaker 1: distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavored with the peat of
Speaker 1: the valleys, is highly prized by the natives, not only
Speaker 1: of Scotland, but of all the English speaking countries of
Speaker 1: the Skiddy globe. The inhabitants are a tall, barbed, wiry,
Speaker 1: music loving, pious and joke fearing race, fond of loud
Speaker 1: plaids and still louder songs. Their tall, spare frames have
Speaker 1: given rise to the term bony or bonnie Scotland, supposed
Speaker 1: by some to be derived from bonnet, the NHS national headgear.
Speaker 1: The principal products of Scotland are porridge, parsons and pilbrooks.
Speaker 1: The inhabitants of Scotland are the most moral and patriotic
Speaker 1: people in the world, and their army is second to
Speaker 1: Noun in bravery and won the World War Chapter twenty five. Ireland.
Speaker 1: Ireland is the land of the Irish bull, a paradoxical
Speaker 1: bovine whose cross eyed horns kntosh. A British commonplace in
Speaker 1: two directions at once. The population of Ireland consists chiefly
Speaker 1: of absentee landlords and emigrants to the United States. They
Speaker 1: are ruled by two absentee governments, a parliament at Westminster
Speaker 1: and an itinerant president. The country is infested with absentee snakes.
Speaker 1: It is believed that the serpent who tempted Eve from
Speaker 1: the way he had with the women, was one of
Speaker 1: these absentee snakes. Strabo, the Greek geographer who visited Ireland
Speaker 1: long before Saint Patrick, describes the inhabitants as more savage,
Speaker 1: and the Britons feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters,
Speaker 1: deeming it commendable to devour the deceased fathers. Strabo evidently
Speaker 1: attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the national beverage.
Speaker 1: The principal products of Ireland are potatoes, pugilists, patriots, poteine,
Speaker 1: and bernard Shaw. The inhabitants of Ireland are the most
Speaker 1: moral and patriotic people in the world, and their army
Speaker 1: is second to none in bravery and won the World
Speaker 1: War Chapter twenty six. Whales see the Welsh rabbit. He
Speaker 1: is bread on cheese, or cheese on bread, whichever way
Speaker 1: you please. Although he's tough, he looks so mild. Who'd
Speaker 1: think that a strong man from this small beast would
Speaker 1: shrink Carolin Wells, Whales is the home of the Welsh Bards,
Speaker 1: so called because the language in which they are written,
Speaker 1: which resembles a mixture of Czech, Chinese, Celtic and Choctaw,
Speaker 1: is barred from the concert and operatic stage. The most
Speaker 1: famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince
Speaker 1: of Wales, and Lloyd George. The Welsh Rabbit, born in
Speaker 1: a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of Australia,
Speaker 1: has spread all over the giddy globe and been a
Speaker 1: potent factor in keeping the world awake. Boyd George, too,
Speaker 1: strange parallel, was born in a political chafing dish and
Speaker 1: has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the
Speaker 1: world awake. Let us hope that the Prince of Wales,
Speaker 1: bless him, will follow in the footsteps of this illustrious
Speaker 1: pair and live to keep the world awake. Long after
Speaker 1: this geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition. The
Speaker 1: Prince has been immortalized in the following lines. Hooray, cried
Speaker 1: the kitten. Hooray as he merrily set the sails. I
Speaker 1: sail or the ocean today today, to look at the
Speaker 1: Prince of Wales, Oh, kitten, pause at the brink and
Speaker 1: think of the angry gales. Ah, yes, cried the kitten.
Speaker 1: But think, oh, think of the Prince of Wales. But kitten,
Speaker 1: I cried, dismayed. If you live through the angry gales,
Speaker 1: you know you will be afraid to look at the
Speaker 1: Prince of Wales, said the kitten. No such thing. Why
Speaker 1: should he make me WinCE. If a cat may look
Speaker 1: at a king, a kitten may look at a prince.
Speaker 1: And of Section two