Speaker 1: The Hard Boiled Egg by Ellis Parker Butler. Walking close
along the wall to avoid the creaking floorboards, Philo Gubb,
paper hanger and student of the Rising Sun Detective Agencies
Correspondence School of Detecting, tiptoed to the door of the
bedroom he shared with the mysterious mister Kritz. In appearance,
mister Gubb was tall and gaunt, reminding one of a
modern Don Quixote or a human flamingo. By nature, mister
Gubb was the gentlest and most simple minded of men. Now,
bending his long, angular body almost double, he placed his
eye to a crack in the door panel and stared
into the room within just out of the limited area
of mister Gubb's vision, Roscoe Critz paused in his work
and listened carefully. He heard the sharp whistle of mister
Gubb's breath as it cut against the sharp edge of
the crack in the panel, and he knew he was
being spied upon. He placed his chubby hands on his
knees and smiled at the door while a red flush
of triumph spread over his face. Through the crack in
the door, mister Gubb could see the top of the
washstand beside which mister Critz was sitting, But he could
not see mister Critz. As he stared. However, he saw
a plump hand appear and pick up one by one
the articles lying on the washstand. They were first seven
or eight half shells of English walnuts, second a rubber
shoe heel out of which a peace had been cut,
Third a small rubber ball no larger than a pea,
fourth a paper bound book, and lastly a large and
glittering brick of yellow gold. As the hand withdrew the
golden brick, mister Gubb pressed his face closer against the
door in his effort to see more, And suddenly the
door flew open, and mister Gubb sprawled on his hands
and knees on the worn carpet of the bedroom. Said
mister Krits, there now serves you right. Hope you hurt yourself.
Mister Gubb arose slowly like a giraffe and brushed his knees. Why,
he asked, snoopin and sneakin' like that, said mister Kritz,
crossly scarin meata fits almost? How'd I know who it? Twas?
If you want to come in, why don't you come right?
Instead of snoopin and sneakin an fallin In that way,
as he talked, mister Chrits replaced the shells and the
rubber heel, and the rubber pea and the gold brick
on the washstand. He was a plump little man with
a shiny bald head and a white goatee. As he talked,
he bent his head down so that he might look
above the glasses of his spectacles, and in spite of
his pretended anger, he looked like nothing so much as
a kindly, benevolent old gentleman, the sort of old gentleman
that keeps a small store in a small village and
sells writing paper that smells of soap and candy sticks
out of a glass jawn with a glass cover. How'd
I know but what you was? A detective, he asked
in a gentler tone. I am, said mister Gubb, soberly,
seating himself on one of the two beds. I'm pretty
near a detecative, as you might say, digging it all,
said mister Kritz. Now I got to go hunt another room.
I can't room with no detective. Well, now, mister Kritz,
said mister Gubb, I don't want you should feel that
way know when you're a detective makes me all nervous,
complained mister Kritz. And a man in my business has
to have a steady hand, don't he. You ain't told
me what your business is, said mister Gubb. You needn't
pretend you don't know, said mister Kritz. Any detective that
saw that stuff on the washstand would know. Well, of course,
said mister Gubb. I ain't a full detecative yet. You
can't look for me to guess things as quick as
a full detecative would. Of course, that brick sort of
looks like a gold brick. It is a gold brick,
said mister Kritz. Yes, said mister Gubb. But I don't
mean no offense, mister Kritz. From the way you look,
I sort of thought, well that it was a gold
brick you'd bought. Mister Kritz turned very red. Well, what
if I did buy it? He said? That ain't any
reason I can't sell it. Is it just because a
man buys eggs once or twice? Ain't any reason he
shouldn't go into the business of egg selling. Is it
just because I've bought one or two gold bricks in
my day. Ain't any reason I shouldn't go to selling them,
is it. Mister Gubb stared at mister Kritz with unconcealed surprise.
You ain't. You ain't a con man, are you, mister Kritz?
He asked. If I ain't yet, that's no sign I
ain't gonna be, said mister Kritz firmly. One man has
as good a right to try his hand at it
as another, especially when a man has had my experience
in it. Mister Gubb, there ain't hardly a con game.
I ain't been conned with. I've been confidenced long enough.
From now on, I'm going to confidence other folks. That's
what I'm going to do. And I won't be bothered
by no detective living in the same room with me.
Detectives and con men don't mix nowadays, no, sir, Well sir,
said mister Gubb. I can see the sense in that,
but you don't need to move right away. I don't
aim to start detectin in earnest for a couple of
months yet. I got a couple of jobs of paper
hanging and decoratin' to finish up, and I can't start
in sleuthing until I get my star anyway. And I
don't get my star until I get one more lesson
and learn it and send in the examination paper and
five dollars extra for the diploma. Then I'm going at
it as a regular business. It's a good business. Every
day there's more crooks. Excuse me. I didn't mean to
say that, That's all right, said mister Chritz. Kindly call
a spade a spade. If I ain't a crook yet,
I hope to be soon. I didn't know how you'd
feel about it, explained mister Gubb. Tactfulness is strongly advised
into the lessons of the Rising Sun Detecative Agency Correspondence
School of Detecating. Slocum Ohio asked mister Critz quickly. You
didn't see the ad in the Hearthstone and Farmside, did you, Yes,
slocum Ohio, said mister Gubb. And that is the paper
I saw the ad into a big money in detecating.
Be a sleuth. We can make you the equal of
Sherlock Holmes in twelve lessons. Why well, sir, said mister Critz.
That's that's funny. That ad was right atop of the
one I saw, and I studied quite considerable before I
could make up my mind whether twould be best for
me to be a detective and go out and get
square with the fellers that sold me gold bricks and
things by putting them in jail, or to even things
up by sending for this book that was advertised right
under the Rising Sun correspond school. How come I settled
to do as I done was that I had a
sort of stock to start with, with a first class
gold brick and some green goods i'd bought. And this
book only cost a quarter of a dollar, and she's
a hummer for a quarter of a dollar a hummer.
He pulled the paper covered book from his pocket and
handed it to mister Gubb. The title of the book
was The Complete con Man by the King of the Grafters,
price twenty five cents. That there book, said mister Kritz, proudly,
as if he himself had written. It tells everything a
man needs to know to work every con game there is.
Once I get it by hard, I won't be afraid
to try any of them. Of Course, I got to
start small. I can't hope to pull off a wire
tapping game right at the start, because that has to
have a gang. You don't know anybody you could recommend
for a gang, do you not? Right off hand, said
mister Gubb thoughtfully. If you wasn't going into the detective business,
said mister Kritz, you'd be just a feller for me.
You look sort of honest and not as if you
was too bright, and that counts a lot even in
this here, simple little shell game. I got to have
a partner. I got to have a partner I can trust,
so I can let him look like he was winning
money off of me. You see, he explained, moving to
the washstand. This shell game is easy enough when you
know how. I put three shells down like this on
a stand, and I put the little rubber pea on
the stand, and then I take up the three shells
like this, two in one hand and one in the other,
and I wave him around over the p and maybe
push the pe around a little, and I say, come on,
come on, the hand is quicker than the eye. And
all of a sudden, I put the shells down. And
you think the P is under one of them like that.
I don't think the P is under one of them,
said mister Gubb. I've seen it roll onto the floor.
It did roll onto the floor at that time, said
mister Critz upontologetically. It most generally does for me. Yet
I ain't got it down to perfection yet. This is
the way it ought to work. Oh pshaw. There she
goes on to the floor again, went under the bed
that time. Here she is now the way she ought
to work is there she goes again. You got to
practice that game a lot before you try it on
folks in public, mister Kritz, said mister Gubb. Seriously, don't
I know that, said mister Kritz, rather impatiently, Same as
you've got to practice snoop And mister Gubb, maybe you
thought I didn't know you was snoopin after me wherever
I went last night? Did you? Asked mister Gubb, with
surprise plainly written on his face. I've seen you every
moment from nine p m. Till eleven, said mister Kritz.
I didn't like it neither. I I didn't think to
annoy you, apologized mister Gubb. I was practicin lesson four.
You wasn't supposed to know I was there at all. Well,
I don't like it, said mister Kritz. Twas all right
last night for I didn't have nothing importint on hand.
But if i'd been workin up a con game, the
feller I was after would have thought it mighty strange
to see a man followin me everywhere like that. If
you went about it quiet and obtrusive, I wouldn't mind.
But if I'd had a customer on hand and he'd
seen you, it would make him nervous. He'd think there
was a a crazy man followin us. I I was
just practicin, apologized mister Gubb. It won't be so bad
when I get the hang of it. We all got
to be beginners sometime, I guess, so, said mister Critz,
rearranging the shells and the little rubber pea. Well, I
put the pea down like this, and I dare you
to bet which shell she's going to be under. And
you don't bet, see, So I put the shells down
and you're willing to bet you see me put the
first shell over the pea like this, so you keep
your eye on that shell, and I move the shells
around like this. She's under the same shell, said mister Gubb. Well,
yes she is, said mister Critz placidly. But she hadn't
ought to be by rights, she ought to sort of
ooze out from under whilst I'm moving the shells around,
and i'd ought to catch her in between my fingers
and hold her there so you don't see her. Then
when you say which shell she's under, she ain't under
any shell. She's between my fingers. So when you put
down your money, i'd tell you to pick up that shell,
and there ain't anything under it. And before you can
pick up the other shells, I pick one up and
let the pee fall on the stand like it had
been under that shell all the time. That's the game,
only up to now I ain't got the hang of it.
She won't ooze out from under, and she won't stick
between my fingers, and when she does stick, she won't
drop at the right time. Except for that, you've got
her all right, have you, asked mister Gubb. Except for that,
said mister Kriz. And i'd have that only my fingers
are stubby. What was it you've thought of having me
do if I wasn't a detecative, asked mister Gubb. The
work you'd have to do would be capping work, said
mister Kritz Capper. That's the professional name for it, you'd
guess which shell the ball was under. That would be
easy the way you do it now, said mister Gubb.
I told you I got to learn it better, didn't
I asked mister Critz, impatiently. You'd be capper and you'd
guess which shell the pea was under. No matter which
you guessed, I'd leave it under that one, so you'd win,
and you'd win ten dollars every time you bet, but
not for keeps. That's why I've got to have an
honest capper. I can see that, said mister Gubb. But
what's the use in letting me win it? If I've
got to bring it back? That starts the boob's betting,
said mister Kritz. The boobs see how you look to
be winnin, and they want to win too, but they
don't when they bet I win. That ain't as square game,
said mister Gubb. Seriously, is it? A crook ain't expected
to be square, said mister Kritz. It stands to reason
if a crook wants to be a crook, he's got
to be crooked, ain't he. Yes, of course, said mister Gubb.
I hadn't looked at it that way. As far as
I can see, said mister Kritz. The more I know
how a detective acts, the better off I'll be when
I start in doing real business, Ain't that so? I
guess till I get the hang of things better, I'll
stay right here. I'm glad to hear you say so,
mister Kritz, said mister Gubb with relief. I like you,
and I like your looks, and there's no telling who
I might get for a roommate next time. I might
get someone that wasn't honest. So it was agreed, and
mister Kritz stood over the washstand and manipulated the little
rubber p in the three shells, while mister Gubb sat
on the edge of the bed and studied less than
eleven of the Rising Sun Detective Agency's Correspondence School of Detecting.
When presently mister Kritz learned to work the little pea neatly,
he urged mister Gubb to take the part of the capper,
and each time mister Gubb won, he gave him a
five dollar bill. Then mister Gubb posed as a boob
and mister Critz won all the money back, again, beaming
over his spectacle rims and chuckling again and again, until
he burst into a fit of coughing that made him
red in the face, and did not cease until he
had taken a big drink of water out of the
wash pitcher. Never had he seemed more like a kindly
old gentleman from behind the candy counter of a small village.
He hung over the washstand, manipulating the little rubber pea
as if fascinated. Ain't it curious how a feller catches
on to a thing like that all to once? He
said after a while. If it hadn't been that I
was so anxious, I might have fooled with that for
weeks and weeks and not got anywhere with it. I
do wish you could be my capper a while anyway,
until I could get one. I need all my time
to study, said mister Gubb. It ain't easy to learn
de ticketing by mail. Pshah, now, said mister Kritz. I'm
real sorry. Maybe if I was to pay you for
your time in trouble, five dollars a night, I'll say.
Mister Gubb consentered. Well, I dunno, he said slowly. I
sort of hate to take money for doin a favor
like that. Now, There ain't no need to feel that way,
said mister Kritz. Your time's worth somethin to me. It's
worth a lot to me to get the hang of
this gold brick game. Once I get the hang of it,
it won't be no trouble for me to sell gold
bricks like this one for all the way from a
thousand dollars up. I paid fifteen hundred for this one
myself and got it cheap. That's a good profit for
this brick ain't worth a cent over one hundred dollars.
And I know for I took it to the bank
after I bought it, and that's what they was willing
to pay me for it. So it's easy with a
few dollars for me to have help whilst I'm learning.
I can easily afford to pay you a few dollars
and to pay a friend of yours the same. Well, now,
said mister Gubb. I don't know, but what I might
as well make a little that way as any other
I got a friend. He stopped short. You don't aim
to sell the gold brick to him, do you. Mister
Kritz's eyes opened wide behind their spectacles. Land's sake, No,
he said. Well, I got a friend may be willing
to help out, said mister Gubb. What do you have
to do? You were him, said mister Kritz, would be
the come on and pretend to buy the brick, and
you were him, would pretend to help me to sell it.
Maybe you better have the brick because you can look stupid,
and the feller that's got the brick has got to
look that. I can look anyway, almost, said mister Gubb,
with pride. Do tell, said mister Kritz, And so it
was arranged that the first rehearse of the gold brick
game should take place the next evening. But as mister
Gubb turned away, mister Kritz deftly slipped something into the
student detective's coat pocket. It was toward noon the next
day that mister Kritz, peering over his spectacles and avoiding
as best he could the pails of paste, entered the
parlor of the vacant house where mister Gubb was at work.
I just come around, said mister Critz, rather reluctantly, to say,
you better not say nothing to your friend. I guess
that deals off pshaw. Now, said mister Gubb. You don't
mean so I don't mean nothing in the way of
aspersions you mind, said mister Kritz with reluctance. But I
guess we'd better call it off. Of course, so far
as I know you're all right, I don't know what
you're getting at, said mister Gubb. Why why don't you
say it? Well, I've been buncoed so often, said mister Kritz.
Seems like anyone can get money from me anytime, in
any way. And I got to thinking it over. I
don't know anything about you, do I. And here I
am going to give you a gold brick that cost
me fifteen hundred dollars and let you go out and
wait until I come for it with your friend. And well,
what's to stop you from just going away with that
brick and never coming back. Mister Gubb looked at mister
Critz blankly. I've went and told my friend. He said,
he's all ready to start in. I hate it to
have to say it, said mister Kritz. But when I
come to count over them bills I lent you to
cap the shell game with. There was a five dollar
one short, I know, said Gubb, turning red. And if
you go over there to my coat you'll find it
in my pocket all ready to hand back to you.
I don't know how I come to keep it in
my pocket. Must have missed it when I handed you
back the rest. Well, I had a notion it was
that way, said mister Critz. Kindly, you look like you
was honest, mister Gubb, But a thousand dollar gold brick
at any bank we'll pay one hundred dollars for. I
got to get out of this way of trust in everybody.
Mister Kritz was evidently distressed. If twas anybody else but you,
he said, with an effort, I'd make him put up
one hundred dollars to cover the cost of a brick
like that whilst he had it there. I've said it,
and I guess you're mad. I ain't mad, protested mister Gubb.
Long as you're gonna pay me in pete and it's business,
I ain't so set against putting up what the brick
is worth. Mister Kritz heaved a deep sigh of relief.
You don't know how good that makes me feel, he said.
I was almost losing what faith in mankind I had left.
Mister Gubb bade his frugal evening meals at the Pie
Wagon on Willow Street, just off Maine, where by day
pie Wagon Pete dispensed light viands, and Pie Wagon Pete
was the friend he had invited to share mister Kritz's generosity.
The seal of secrecy had been put on Pie Wagon
Pete's lips before mister Gubb offered him the opportunity to
accept or decline, And when mister Gubb stopped for his
evening meal, pie Wagon Pete, now off duty, was waiting
for him. The story of mister Critz and his amateur
con business had amused Pie Wagon Pete. He could hardly
believe such utter innocence existed. Perhaps he did not believe
it existed, for he had come from the city, and
he had had shady companions before he landed in Riverbank.
He was a sharp eyed, red headed fellow with a
hard fist and a scar across his face. And when
mister Gubb had told him of mister Critz and his affairs,
he had seen an opportunity to shear a country lamb.
How goes it for to night Philo, he asked mister Gubb,
taking the stool next to mister Gubb while the night
man drew a cup of coffee. Quite well, said mister Gubb.
Everything is arranged satisfactory. I'm to be on the old
houseboat by the warf House on the levee at nine
with it. He glanced at the nightman's back and lowered
his voice. And mister Kritz will bring you there nine, eh,
said pie Wagon. I meet him at your room, do I?
You meet him at the Riverbank Hotel at eight forty five,
said mister Gubb, like it was the real thing. I'm
going over to my room now and give him the money.
What money, asked pie Wagon. Pete quickly. Well, you see,
said mister Gubb. He sort of hated to trust the
trust it out of his hands without a deposit. It's
the only one he has, so I thought i'd put
up one hundred dollars. He's all right, Oh sure, said
pie Wagon. A hundred dollars eh. He looked at mister Gubb,
who was eating a piece of apple pie hand to
mouth fashion, and studied him in a new light. One
hundred dollars, eh, he repeated thoughtfully. You give him a
hundred dollar deposit now, and he eats you at nine
and me at eight forty five. And the train leaves
for Chicago at eight forty three, half way between the
houseboat and the hotel, Say Gubby, what does this old
guy look like? Mister Gubb, albeit with a tongue unused
to description, delineated mister Kritz as best he could, and
as he proceeded, pie Wagon Pete became interested, pinkish, and
bawled top of his head like a hard boiled egg.
He ain't got a scar across his face, the dickens
he has short and plump and a regular old nice
grandpa blue eyes, say did he have a coffin spell
and choke red in the face. Well, sir, for a
brand new detective, you've done well. Listen, Jim, Gubby's got
the hard boiled egg. The nightman almost dropped his cup
of coffee. Go away, he said, old heart boiled himself,
that's right, and caught him with the goods. Say listen, Gubby.
For five minutes, pie Wagon Pete talked while mister Gubb
sat with his mouth wide open, see said Pye Wagon Pete.
At last, And don't you mention me at all. Don't
mention no one, just say to the chief, And havn't
trailed him? This far mister Whittaker, and arranged to have
him took with the goods. It's up to you, see,
and as soon as you say that, have him send
a couple of bulls with you. And if they can
do it, they'll nab old hard boiled, just as he
takes your cash, and old Sleuth and Sherlock Holmes won't
be in it with you when tomorrow mornin's papers come out.
Get it, mister Gubb got it. When he entered his bedroom,
mister Kritz was waiting for him. It was slightly after
eight o'clock, perhaps eight fifteen. Mister Kritz had what appeared
to be the gold brick neatly wrapped in newspaper, and
he looked up with his kindly blue eyes. He had
been reading the Complete con Man and had pushed his
spectacles up on his forehead as mister Gubb entered. I'd
done that brick up for you, he said, indicating it
with his hand, so's it wouldn't glitter whilst you was
goin through the street. If word got passed round there
was a gold brick in town, folks might sort of
get suspicious, like nice night for goin out, ain't it?
Got a letter from my wife this afternoon, he chuckled.
She says, she hopes I'm doin well. Sally'd have a
fit if she knew what business I was goin into. Well.
Time's getting along. I brung the money, said mister Gubb,
drawing it from his pocket. Don't seem hardly necessary, does it,
said mister Chritz mildly. But I suppose it's just as well, thank'e,
mister Gubb. I'll just pile it into my coat. Mister
Gubb had picked up the gold brick, and now he
let it fall once more. The door flew open, but
this time it opened for three stalwart policemen, whose revolvers
pointed unwaveringly at missus. Mister Kritz, the plump little man,
gave one glance and put up his hands. All right, boys,
you've got me, he said, in quite another voice, and
allowed them to seize his arms. He paid no attention
to the police, but at mister Gubb, who was tearing
the wrapper from what proved to be but a common
vitrified paving brick. He looked long and hard, say, said
mister Critz to mister Gubb, I'm the goat you've stung me.
All right, you worked me to a finish. I thought
I knew all of you from Burns down, but you're
a new one to me. Who are you anyway? Mister
Gubb looked up me, he said with pride. Why Why
I'm Gubb. The foremost detecative of Riverbank, Iowa, and of
the hard Boiled Egg by Ellis Parker Butler