Speaker 1: All right, this is it. Everybody, here we go, welcome.
This is Matt Connorton Unleashed, the AF version of the
show mcu AF And as I always like to say,
if you don't know what the AF stands for, just
ask someone younger than you. But this is a version
of the show, and today is going to be a
very unusual version of the show. But the podcast version,
you know, we do as kind of a it's a
supplement to the actual radio show. The radio show we
do of Matt Connorton Unleashed every Saturday morning from nine
am to noon from the studios of w n H
ninety five point three FM and Glorious Manchester, New Hampshire.
But the podcast version we do separate. It is strictly
online and the purpose of the podcast version of the
show is really just to do anything that we want
to do on the show that for one reason or
another we just is just not going to fit the
current format of the radio show. So we only do
the podcast version of the show occasionally. But that's that's
what this is now. You know. I was attempted to just
do the stream and not call it Matt Connorson Unleashed,
not even call it that, but I am going to
put it out in the podcast feed so people who
subscribe to the show will get it because and it'll
make sense in a moment when I tell you what
we're doing, even though we're doing something unusual. So this
was not advertised at all. I kind of decided in
the moment a few minutes ago that now is the time.
It's something that's been kicking around in my mind for
a while. Again, this will all makes sense. I'm sorry
if I'm being cryptic. I'm getting to it. But but
for anyone who happens to be streaming the show live,
because most people will just get it in the podcast
after the fact. But if you are joining me live,
today is Sunday, January twenty twenty five, twenty fifth Sunday
January twenty fifth, twenty twenty six, as the country is
in the midst of a terrible, terrible storm and I
hope everyone is safe here in Manchester, New Hampshire, where
I am right now. I did some shoveling earlier, and
I planned to do some more shoveling in a little
bit because trying to trying to stay ahead of it,
trying to keep up with it, as best as possible,
which is not easy to do. But but you know,
we're lucky here. I mean, at least we're prepared for
for weather events here. You know, in some parts of
the country, obviously obviously in the South, they're not prepared
for for anything like this. You know, in places like
Texas and Arkansas, where they're experiencing you know, ice and
even a little bit of snow there can really mess
things up for them because they're not prepared for it.
So but we're but we're having quite a storm. So
I hope everyone is safe, as safe as you can be.
So what we're doing today is this is why. And
again I didn't tell anybody ahead of time. It's been
on my mind all day that it might finally be
time to do this. This is going to be a
little bit difficult, and I've been putting it off for
well been about five weeks now. But my father, as
some of you watching or listening will know, my dad,
Martin Connorton, passed away on December eighteenth, twenty twenty five.
And on the show that Saturday, on the radio show,
because I still you know, of course I still did
the radio show that Saturday, you know, because I know
it's a terrible cliche and it sounds so trite, but
the show must go on, as they say, and you know,
I just the best way for me to process grief
also is just to stay busy. I'm just checking to
make sure the audio is okay here, okay. I was
just checking on my phone make sure I had a
little issue with the microphone the mic setup before going on.
So I said on the show that Saturday, I opened
and I kind of did a sort of a brief
maybe ten twelve minutes, you know, just talking about my
dad and sorry, I'm looking in the camera and realizing
how chapped my lips are and how terrible that looks.
I'm almost unintentionally. I don't I don't mean to do it,
but it's like, now that I'm doing this, I'm procrastinating.
I'm getting to it, all right. It's hard. So I
talked on the show about my dad, and I partly
because I just wanted to, because I'd been public on
social media about everything that was going on with him.
You know, he'd been at Mass General for a couple
of months. But I wanted to publicly thank everybody for
the outpouring of love and support, which which really does
mean a lot to me. And I also said when
I talked about when I talk about my dad, you know, again,
relatively briefly that morning, I said that when I was ready,
I was going to do a separate podcast version of
the show, a podcast episode of the show where I
could just do a stream and just just speak freely
and say everything that I wanted to say. And I
felt like it was easier and perhaps more productive to
do it in this format than to do it on
the radio show, only because to do it live on
the radio show, you know, you got to kind of
I mean, we have a busy show, and I didn't
want to schedule it into the show. Okay, on this day,
in this segment, I'm going to do this and then
have the pressure of, first of all, on that day
when it's time for that segment, I have to be
emotionally prepared for it. I didn't want that pressure, and
I didn't want, you know, to be worried about, Okay,
who's the guest, who's coming up in the next segment.
I only have so much time to say this. I
didn't want any of that. I just wanted to be
able to just speak freely, and it's as long or
as short as it's going to be because it's not
the radio show, because it's just the podcast, it's the stream.
It can be whatever I want, So you know, it
could be it could be twenty minutes, it could be
an hour, it doesn't matter, and I can just say
what I want to say. If if at some point
I feel like not that this is going to happen,
but if at some point during this I feel like
I'm not emotionally able to continue, I just don't where
if I start to feel like, oh, this was a mistake.
I thought I was ready, I'm not ready. I can
dump out of it and say, well, thanks everybody who
joined us live, but I'm not going to finish this
right now. So I do see that we have some
some people who have joined us live, and welcome everybody,
and the chat room is open, by the way, if
anyone wants to chime in, if anyone has anything to
say regarding my dad. But but I did say that
on the radio, I said, when I'm ready, I will
do a podcast episode. I will do a live and
a live stream, which of course the audio will be
taken and made into the podcast episode. Of the show,
and it's been it's been what five weeks now, because
he passed away on December eighteenth. I didn't expect it
to be by the way. I didn't expect it to
be that long before I did this, but so something
happened the other night. So I'm going to start. I'm
going to start here and kind of work backward a
little bit. But and and by the way too, because
some people might be curious or might be confused about something.
So there's a specific reason that I think it's appropriate
because if you don't know it, might this might all
seem a little self indulgent to you or a little
narcissistic on my part, and maybe it is. I mean,
I got to be a little bit narcissistic, right, because
anyone who owes a podcast or a radio show, you know,
there has to be some element of narcissism in one's
personality to believe that other human beings are interested in
what we have to present, so that that comes with it, right,
that is an element of my personality. I acknowledge that,
for better or worse. But I felt it appropriate because
a lot of listeners to the radio show over the
years became familiar with my dad, and some of you
formed parasocial I guess might be the term relationships with
my dad. And I don't say that to be dismissive
or anything like that, but that's you know, many of
you got to know my dad, not because you met
him in person or anything, but because you got to
know him on social media. You know, my dad would
call into the show and then and then people would
friend him on Facebook, for example, and and so forth.
So because so many of you knew him that way,
I thought, you know, people might like to hear what
I have to say about him in some detail. But
also selfishly, and again perhaps narcissistically, but selfishly, I just
thought it would be good for me to do this
and to just kind of say everything that I want
to say about him. If if that's if you're consuming
this content and that's not interesting to you, I completely understand.
I'm doing this more for myself than for anyone else. Obviously,
this is a very different episode of the show than
than anything else we've ever done on the show. So
if this is not what you want from Matt Connorton Unleashed,
uh no, uh, you know, no offense taken. Again, I
have no idea. When it's all said, I have no
idea how many people are gonna watch or listen to
this episode of the show. It may be a lot,
it may be very few. I have no idea how
to predict it, and I'm not worried about it. Again, ultimately,
this is more for myself. But if you are going
to and you're interested in taking this little journey with me,
I appreciate you and thank you. But the other night,
and this is what I meant by we're going to
start here and then go back. This has been on
my mind for the past couple of days, and it's
kind of part of why I finally decided I needed
to do this now. Not necessarily for closure per se,
because I kind of hate that term and I don't
really believe in closure quote unquote, but I think that
maybe maybe this will help me kind of get past
the other night, because the other night I had a
dream about my dad and it's stuck with me. John
Hopwood warned me about this, by the way, John Hopwood
said that, And of course longtime listeners of Matt Connorton
Unleash are familiar with John Hopwood. He's been but I've
been seeing John Friday nights for Retrospectrum Radio with poly
C because I'm also a part of that show, and
John has been a part of that show recently as well,
and I think he's gonna be on more often, which
is wonderful. Love John Hopwood. But John kind of warned
me about this. He said, your father is going to
visit you in your dreams. He said, it's just what happened.
And I've heard other people say that too, that their
parents visit them in their dreams, their parents who've passed
away or other relatives who have passed away. I you know,
when he first told me that, I said, Okay, well
we'll see what happens. John said his mother had never
visited him after she passed away, but she did tell
me that my dad would visit me in my dreams. Now,
what does that mean? Does that mean my dad is
going to appear in my dreams as a character in
my dream that I'm having Because I'm processing grief, and
dreams are just bits and pieces of things going on
in our subconscious and our unconscious minds. It comes out
while we're asleep, and you know, or does it mean
that my father, you know, is sort of a spirit
somehow floating around. He's going to come into my dream
and visit me or whatever. Now let me before I
go any further with that thought, let me just tell
you this. If you don't know, if you don't know me,
if you don't know much about me, what I believe,
what I don't believe. So I will tell you upfront,
I am not a religious person. To the chagrin of
my father, I'm not a religious person. I was raised Catholic.
I you know, once I was old enough to decide
whether or not to continue to go to church, I said, nope,
count me out. That's a whole other subject sort of
because my father was very devout Catholic is all his life.
But I won't take that side street here. But I'm
not a religious person, so I don't presume that there
is anything after this. You know, sometimes people will ask me, Matt,
why do you you know you do so much? Are
always so busy? You know why? It's like, Well, because
I don't. I don't think there's an after I don't
think there's some great reward waiting for us on the
other side of this. So I want to make the
most of this. So I do a lot of different things,
and I like to be busy. I'm a busy person
and I like it that way because I want to
get the most I can out out of this life.
Because I don't think there's another one waiting for us.
I don't think there's eternity. All that being said, I
am open to the idea. I was talking about this
with a friend just recently. I am open to the
idea that maybe maybe our consciousness or some form of us,
our energy, whatever it may be, does continue on in
some way. I mean, do I believe that there's an
invisible man in the sky and we get to go
be with him after we die. No, no offense to
those of you who are religious. I try to be
respectful of everyone's beliefs. Personally, I find the entire notion
of it rather absurd. I'm just being honest. The show's
called Unleashed for a reason because I say what I think,
like it or lump it. But I but I also
at the same time, I cannot deny that I have
seen and experienced things over the course of my life
that I don't know how to explain. So I'm My
default is to be skeptical always especially when it comes
to organized religion, because my personal belief is organized religion
is used as a tool, a political tool, and has
really nothing to do with God ultimately. But maybe because
most people are so phony about it, it's hard not
to take those side streets when I start talking about
this stuff. Okay, so I don't believe that you go
to this magical place called heaven and you get to
hang out with a deity for the rest of eternity,
but I am open to the idea that you may
continue on in some other form. I kind of hope
that that's not the case, because as nice as that
might sound on the surface, I kind of you know,
Christopher Hitchens talked about this and wrote about this. He
actually found the idea of an afterlife more frightening than oblivion,
because you know, you do you want to be just
floating around for all eternity. That doesn't sound that great necessarily.
I mean, what if there is an after life and
it sucks, and maybe that's what hell would be, but
what if every so well, what if it sucks for
every I don't know. So it's almost it's almost less
comforting to think that you go to this other place.
But so I get. What I'm trying to say is
when I talk about my dad coming to visit me
in my dream, I'm not saying that he actually came
and visited in my dream. But I'm also not saying
that he didn't. I'm open to the possibility that he
is on some other plane and he can come into
my dreams. Probably not, it's probably just me processing my grief.
That's the most logical thing. Here's what makes me wonder though,
here's part of why when it comes to dreams, I'm
open to these other things. So most dreams. People like
to talk about how their dreams mean something or you know,
their dreams are predictive in some way. They they dream
about things and then it must be a psychic thing
that's happening, because they'll dream about something and then it
actually happens and it actually comes true. Now, I don't
believe any of that because for me, and I'm pretty
sure this is the case for most people, my dreams
are almost always just completely random. They don't make any sense.
If they even have, you know, the slightest thread of
a storyline to them, it just it doesn't. It doesn't
make sense. There's there's people in my dream, these different
characters that I knew in different periods of my life,
who couldn't possibly exist in my life at the same time,
none of it makes any sense. And then I, you know,
and then I wake up thinking what the hell was
that about? You know, so my dreams don't make sense,
and then I forget them. You know, dreams fade, and
that's the natural that's a natural thing for all of us. Right,
we wake up and whatever we were dreaming about almost
immediately starts to fade away. So when you go back
and try to remember that dream later, unless it's a
dream that made a real impression on you, you can't
even remember much of anything about the dream. That's why,
you know. There used to be this myth. I hope
nobody still believed this. This still believes this. But there
used to be this weird idea that some people dream
in black and white and some people dream in color.
And obviously it's bullshit. Nobody dreams in black and white.
Why would you dream in black and white? Your brain
is not a television. It's not an old television that
you know. It doesn't make any sense. Why would anyone
dream in black and white? But the explanation that researchers
figured out is it's because for some people when they
come out of the dream, the first thing that they
begin to forget is the colors. They forget the colors
of the dream. So they have a perception that they
were dreaming in black and white, when in reality that's impossible.
Why would you dream in black and white? Makes no
logical sense. So I say all that to say the
dream I had about my father was so vivid and
so real that I can't get it out of my mind.
And I haven't forgotten a single detail about it. So
and that's part of why I decided to do this today,
because I can't get that dream out of my mind.
And I'm gonna tell you what happened in the dream.
And it was not a nice dream. It wasn't a
nice you know. Uh oh, hey, Dad, you're coming to
see me in my dream. It's so good to know
that you're still floating around somewhere in the ether or whatever.
The hell. No, it was not a nice dream. It
was a nightmare. So here's here's what my dream was.
I'm sitting in the driveway. It's dark, so it's nighttime.
I'm in the car in the driveway. I look to
my left and I see my father walking toward me slowly.
He's walking toward the car. He's going very slow. He
has a blank express on his face, but he's looking
directly at me. And I start freaking out, and I start, yeah,
forgive me, there's a little bit of harsh language here.
If there's any youngins listening, probably not. But I started
freaking out, and I started yelling at him, what the
fuck are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here.
Get out of here. You are not supposed to be here.
Why are you here? And I'm just sub screaming at him,
and then, uh, you know, and then I started yelling
for help because I didn't understand why my father, who
is dead, is approaching me while I'm sitting in the
car in the driveway and I'm freaked out and he
and he's just got this blank look on his face,
and I feel like he's so trite to say it,
but I almost felt like I was trapped in a
zombie movie or something. And I started yelling. After I
was done yelling at him to get get the fuck
away from me, I start I started yelling for help
and that's when I woke up. That dream is it
was so vivid and so real. The only other dream
I can think of that I've ever had that was
like that, and Jenny's the only person I've ever told
about this. The only other dream I can have that
was like that was a number of years ago. I
think it was shortly after I started at WM and H,
so it was quite a few years ago, because I'll
have been there, sheeid, It'll be nine years in April.
Oh my god, time it goes way too fast. I
had a dream, and this was a positive dream, although
I woke up crying because it was very moving to me.
But I had a dream about a gentleman named John Denido. Now,
when I was in high school, and I'm dating myself
a bit here, but when I was in high school,
I worked at Sears. And if there's anyone who sees
this or listens from Concord, New Hampshire, you might know
that Sears at the time before it was in the
Seeplegate Mall, it was on Main Street and conquered. It
was a much smaller location and I worked there and
John Denido was the manager there of the department that
I worked in and John was a great guy, just
a wonderful, wonderful man. Couldn't have asked for a nicer boss,
so nice, in fact, he was. Probably in some ways
he might have been a little too nice, just in
terms of it was easy to get away with stuff,
and you know, he didn't really like to get you know,
get mad at anybody, and he probably should have, because
I and the other high school age people who are
working there were not always the best employees in some ways, probably,
but John was a very nice man, and I would
run into him even years after I worked as year
as I would run into him occasionally. And then I
found out from someone I had talked to or run
into that John had passed away. He had been a smoker,
he'd always been a heavy smoker, and apparently the lung
cancer got him and he passed away. And I think
it was probably a year or two after that. After
he died, I had a dream and this was this
was so vivid, and I still remember every detail about it.
In my dream, I'm back in high school working at
Sears in the hardware department. Which will be funny to
people who know me really well, because I'm the most
unhandy person you'll ever meet. But for whatever reason, I
was working in the hardware department and John Denido appears
and walks over to me and he said to me,
and I knew he was talking about the radio show
or the podcasting because so just quick backstory. When I
first went to work there at Sears, I was very shy,
very quiet, very quiet. I was such an introvert. I mean,
I am an introvert. Technically, it's not something you necessarily
grow out of. You just learn to manage it so
you can do things like this. But I was very
much an introvert, very shy, very quiet, didn't express myself
very much. But John he comes over to me in
this dream, and he looked He didn't look like he
looked the last time I had seen him. Run into him.
He looked like he did when I was in high
school when he hired me. And he walked over to
me and he said, Matt, I just want you to
know that you were so shy and so quiet when
you came to work for me. But I always knew
that someday you would find your voice and that you
would have a lot to say. I always knew, and
I'm very proud of you. And see, even now, it's
still so vivid in my mind. Even now it affects
me thinking about that dream and that moment. It's bizarre,
but it does. It does. It still affects me now
and then and and then he said, don't ever go
back to being quiet. And he said, uh, I'll I'll
see you again someday. They kind of he kind of
smiled and laughed, and he said, but don't worry, not
anytime soon, which was typical of John. And then he
just went away. And then I woke up, and I
woke up in tears. But that's the only other dream.
So that was a nice, a nice dream to have
such a vivid, uh, a vivid experience dreaming that. But uh,
but that's the only other one I can remember ever
having like that. I've also had instances of sleep paralysis,
which I won't get into all that because that's a
whole If you've ever experienced sleep paralysis, you know that's
like you're really having a nightmare, and it also seems
very vivid and real, but it's there's a whole different
dynamic to it that's terrifying. But uh, but no, the
dream I had about my dad was not like that
the dream I had about my dad. And it's funny too,
because I saw John when I saw Joe on Friday night.
This was the next day after I'd had the dream.
I said to John, I said, well, you were right.
My dad did come to visit me in my dream
and it was terrifying. And he said, yeah, he was
probably angry with you because that's what happened. Because he said,
that's what happened to me. My dad came to visit
me in my dreams, and he was angry with me
at first, and eventually he wasn't. And I said, oh, great,
So there's probably going to be more of this. He
said probably so anyway, so that that kind of that's
part of why I'm doing this now. I gotta get
this out. So, uh, let's go back a little bit.
So I want to talk about my dad, growing up
with him, and I am going to because inevitably someone's
going to wonder, yes, I am going to also address
the comp occasions that arose in our relationship in more
recent years, partly because again it has to do it
has to do with my show, it has to do
with Matt Connorton. Unleashed and the previous version of the show,
back when the show was on, when we were on
Afternoon Drive on WM and H weekdays from four to
six pm Monday through Friday, we were Afternoon Drive, and
that iteration of the show. It was we had musical
guests like we do now, but we also did a
lot of politics, and Dad and I had disagreements about that.
But so I will address that. That's kind of the
uncomfortable part. But it's also the elephant in the room,
and it is part of the story, you know, and
I'll do so not to be I'll get into it
not to be critical of my father, but I just
want to just tell you the whole story, give you
the whole picture of my dad. But when I was
a kid, So my parents split up when I was
very young. My mom and my dad divorced. I think
I was probably six years old, maybe seven now, I
think I was probably six. I'm not sure exactly, though
we were living and conquered at the time. My mother
moved to Manchester. My mother moved to an apartment that
I can actually see, so weird, I can actually see
from here. But so she lived in Manchester for a
short time, and then she ended up moving back to Chicago, Illinois,
where she grew up, and that was kind of that
was hard, you know, when my dad told me that
my mom was moving, that was a hard thing to hear.
But it kind of worked out because what happened was,
so my mother moved back there. Per the custody I
should clarify something. Per the custody agreement, my dad had
primary custody and my mother had secondary custody, if that's
the right term. So what would happen, which is unusual,
by the way, even at that time, Usually mothers would
get if somebody was going to get primary custody, it
was going to be the mother, but not in this case.
And we won't get into all that why that's another
side street that we're not going to take right now.
But so my dad had primary custody, which meant my
mother had me every other weekend. So every other weekend
I would come to Manchester and stay with my mother,
you know, on Friday night after school, come to Manchester,
and then she would return me to my dad on
Sunday evening every other weekend. So that changed when my
mother decided she was moving back to Illinois, so now
the new thing was, obviously I wasn't going to see
her every other weekend. That's a lot of back and
forth to Chicago, Illinois. So now the new thing was
I was going to go spend the summers with her,
so basically July and I guess when school was out,
I would be uh spend those uh those months uh
in uh Chicago with my mom. Uh, which was great actually,
so you know, kind of worked out. Both my parents remarried. Uh.
My mother, uh, if I have all my facts correct,
has been married and divorced four times. My father has
been married and divorced twice. Uh that we know about.
That's another story, not even really a story because we
know so little about the what may have been my
dad's third marriage that he kept a secret. Really is
no story there to tell because we don't know. I'm
not sure. But so that's that's kind of what how
that worked out. So so then my father is the reason.
I think maybe it would have happened anyway even without
my dad's influence, but I doubt it. The reason that
I became so interested in politics because for anyone who
knows me, I've been a lifelong political junkie. I like
to say, only half joking, that I became interested in
politics at an unhealthy young age, but I did from
a very young age. I was fascinated by politics and
my father when I was growing up. So my dad
had a friend. His best friend was named Dan, Dan Jordan,
and Dan would come to the house a lot, and
my father and Dan would have these long, wide ranging
political discussions and I would just sit there and listen
to them, and I could listen to them for hours.
They would just go on and on, and I was
fascinated by all of it. And I believe it is
that my exposure to that why I grew up to
be such a political junkie. Myself, my father at that time,
and those of you who got to know my dad
through the radio show more recently might be surprised to
hear this, But my dad back then was a Democrat
and his friend Dan was a Republican, and that was
part of what made those conversations so interesting. And they
would disagree on many things, probably most things, but they
had such interesting and constructive conversations, and they never argued,
like nobody ever raised their voice or anything, you know,
And they got along wonderfully and they were great friends,
but they would really go deep in these conversations and
talk about the things where they disagreed. And I remember,
I'm really aging myself here, but you know, Dan was
a big fan of Ronald Reagan, and my father despised Ronald. Again,
not what you might expect if you only got to
know my dad in recent years. But the only thing
I can think of that my dad agreed with Reagan
on was abortion. Because my dad, despite being a Democrat
and from what I recall, being pretty liberal when I
was growing up, he did always oppose abortion. He because he,
you know, he was a devout Catholic and so he
seemed to kind of side with the church on that.
But that that was the only thing he agreed with
Reagan on. And you know, and and he you know,
he didn't like uh, he certainly didn't like George H. W.
Bush much better. And he was furious about the Iraq War.
And I mean the you know, the first well not
the not the Iraq War that happened during the w administration.
He wasn't a fan of that either. But but you know,
when we went in to Kuwait to kick out Saddam,
to kick Iraq out of Kuwait. He was very angry
about that at the time. I even remember, I even
remember when when you know, the Democrats were voting to
not allow the President to have authorization to go into Iraq.
I remember my dad and I watching that on c SPAN. Yeah,
I know, the most politically nerdy thing ever, actually watching
something on c SPAN and my dad making a comment
to me at the time. He said, you got to
be proud of the Democrats, Mattie. They're really called me, Maddie,
he said, you know, they're they're really on the right
side of this, you know, because they were trying to
they were trying to prevent George H. W. Bush from
sending troops into Kuwait to kick out Saddam. Operation Operation
Desert Shield or Desert Storm. I'm sorry, it was Desert
Shield and then it became Desert Storm. Uh yeah, my
dad was a post all of that. I don't get
me wrong. It was a spectacularly successful mission in terms
of how how quick it was, uh getting a rack
out of Kuwait and uh with yeah, I mean, was
it a few days? I mean it was fast, But
that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do,
necessarily in terms of our own interests and so forth.
But basically, so my dad was when I was growing up.
You know, he was a Democrat. Now that's there's reasons
why that is relevant. So and my mother too, my mom,
although my mother definitely to the left of my dad.
My mother was very liberal when I was growing up
and still is to this day. She has not changed.
My father did. But because because he and Dan had
all those amazing conversations that I was so riveted by,
I grew up being very interested in politics and that continued,
of course continues to this day, although lately it's I
don't love it like I used to. We won't get
in all of that. But during you know, after you know,
well during during adulthood. You know, obviously I wasn't living
at home anymore, but my dad and I would get
together for lunch occasionally, usually like once every month or
once every two months. We were both very busy, but
we would we would get together at Johnson's Dairy Bar
for a long time because I was living in Conquered,
he was living in Dover and Johnson's Dairy Bar. For
people who know, the area in Northwood, New Hampshire is
kind of the halfway point between you know, between us.
So we would meet there on a Sunday afternoon and
have lunch, and I always looked forward to having because
that was the thing that binded us together, That bound
us together, I should say bind it bound us together
was our love and fascination with politics. And I always
loved talking about because that's that's what we would talk
about the whole time. We would talk about music too,
and I'll get into that too, because I it's fun
to talk about my dad when talking about music, because
my dad was always current, I said when he you know,
when I posted about this on social media when he died.
You know, my father was the only man in his
seventies I knew who still listened to college radio, specifically
because he wanted to hear new music and not get
stuck listening to you know, he never got stuck in
a certain time period like like most people do. But
but the main thing we would talk about was politics,
and I always looked forward to those conversations and always
cherished those discussions because it was always interesting whether we
agreed or disagreed, and we would disagree on some things
and I did notice, I did notice. I had to
take a sip of something here this cold, dry air
we have all this cold weather, and now the storm
is brutal. I did notice my dad was did appear
to be incrementally but he did appear to be moving rightward.
He was not as liberal as he had once been,
and he seemed to he seemed to be becoming more conservative. Now.
We continued to have great conversations, though, because he and
I could disagree on things, and we still agreed on
some things to a point, right, but we could also
disagree on things and and and still have a really
interesting discussion. In some ways, I felt at the time
that it made our discussions even more interesting, because you know,
people sitting around agreeing with each other, that's that's fine,
But sometimes it's more intellectually stimulating to have a conversation
with someone about something you know that you disagree about
right and exchange those ideas and those thoughts. So I
didn't mind. I mean, I was surprised by it, given
how liberal he was when I was growing up, But
you know whatever, I mean. I think there was a
period where he and I were both technically independence neither
you know, not registered with either party, so we still
had that in common. But but he you know, he
was shifting. He was shifting. But then I'll tell you what,
So there was a specific moment. When was the Oberfell decision?
What year? I'm bad when it comes to time. It
was during Obama? Wait? Was that? Was that twenty fifteen?
I thought it was earlier than that. Was that really
twenty fifteen? Okay? For some reason I thought it was
longer ago than that. I mean, well, that's eleven years.
But our conversation about the Oberfell decision stood out to
me because because we got we had lunch, like right
after this happened right right after the Oberfell decision in
the Supreme Court Oberfell versus Hodges, which effectively is was
the Supreme Court decision, landmark decision that legalized same sex
marriage nationwide. Prior to that, leading up to that, individual states.
Proud to say, New Hampshire was one of them, individual
states with a lot of Republicans on board with it,
by the way, which is interesting. You wouldn't expect that necessarily,
but at the time there were enough Republicans who voted
with Democrats in New Hampshire to legalize same sex marriage
here in New Hampshire. You know, on Libertarians and so forth,
But so we were ahead of the curve here on that.
But finally, in twenty fifteen, the Supreme Court, in that decision,
effectively legalized same sex marriage nationally. So my father I
wasn't sure how he was going to feel about it.
I knew we were going to talk about it on
my way to have lunch with him that way, and
I was kind of but I was actually looking forward
to to the conversation because again I thought he might disagree.
As a devout Catholic man, I do think he was
originally supportive of civil unions, though if I'm not mistaken
originally now he might have changed his mind about that
later on too, But I think originally he was supportive
of civil unions, but I suspected, because of his Catholicism
that he wasn't going to go that way on this.
So I thought we might disagree on it. But again
I was still looking forward to the conversation though, because
I thought this will be interesting, you know, and we
can hear each other's perspectives. And I always always have
been I've been consistent on this, consider myself a staunch
LGBTQ plus ally, so I thought it was great. I
was very pleased with the Oberfel decision. I felt like
it was about time. It's funny. I do remember when
I was a kid asking my mother once. I had
a conversation with my mom when I was a kid
about I said, you know, Mom, how come gay people
can't get married? And her response was you know, She
said something like, you know, because she was always pretty
liberal anyway, she said, well, Maddie, you know, hopefully someday
they will be able to, you know, because everyone should
have the same rights. And I don't know if I
had asked my dad that same question, the devout Catholic
man that he was, if he would have responded that way.
He might have, actually, because again he was a lot
more liberal when I was a kid, but never as
liberal as my mother, so he might not have. But
I do think he supported civil unions though. But the
reason this conversation specifically stands out in my mind was
it was the first time, or in a political conversation,
that I remembered seeing a bit of a flash of
anger toward me from my father. And it was brief,
like I said, a flash of anger. It was brief,
but it struck me. I was surprised by it because
up to that point, he'd never been he'd never shown
any anger toward me for disagreeing with him on something.
But I remember he said, and he brought it up,
he said, you know, this Oberfell decision. And part of
why he might have been mad is he said something
that made me kind of chuckle a little bit, and
I think that might have been what set him off.
But I remember this, He goes, Maddie, this Oberfell decision.
They've effectively just legalized sodomy nationwide. And I thought that
was such an odd way of putting it, and it
did make me kind of maybe I smirked or I
don't know if I chuckled, but and you know, because
he said that and I didn't get a chance to
even get the words out, what I was thinking is,
well that I think sodomy was already legal, right, I
mean maybe maybe technically in some southern states they still
have blue laws, you know, yeah, no sodomy on Sundays
before eleven am or whatever the hell. But but you know,
I thought it was such an odd way of putting
it that I think I think I might have smirked
at him, not meaning to, but and I remember he goes, Oh,
you can make fun of me, but this is serious business, Matt.
This is serious, and he was and he was pissed again.
It wasn't long, like I said, It was a flash
of anger. And then he got past it, and I just,
you know, and I told him my side of it.
I said, look, I just I've always believed that, you know,
civil unions didn't go far enough. It was a good idea,
but here's the problems with it. And I think that
everyone should have the same rights. Even Dick Cheney believed that.
By the way, that was the one the one thing
Dick Cheney was always liberal on was same sex marriage.
But you know, he had a gay daughter. You know,
Rob Portman, very very conservative senator who had a gay son,
has a gay son. Rob Portman's not dead and conservative
on everything else if you look at his voting record,
but always supported same sex marriage. So I guess if
you have an actual gay person in your family, the
ideas and so strange and bizarre to you. But as
far as I know, those are the only conservatives who
ever support gay marriage, as far as I know, are
the ones who actually have a gay person in their families,
then they're able to work up a little bit of empathy.
But anyway, but I remember being really struck by that.
It's like, Wow, my Dad's never gotten angry with me
like that before during a political conversation. So so then,
you know, that was twenty fifteen, so we all know
what happened. Not long after that, Trump gets in and
my father, who had been resistant to technology for so long,
finally got acquainted with texting and he would text me
things and surprise, I was surprised. He seemed to be
going pretty full maga and he seemed to really like Trump. Now.
Another weird memory though that I have from when I
was a kid, Trump was on the cover of I
want to say it was Newsweek. It was one of
the news publications that we got at home that I
loved to read because again, there was a lot of
politics in them. I think it was Newsweek that had
Trump on the cover. This was like, this would have
been again I'm aging myself, but this would have been
nineteen eighty something and it had Trump on the cover.
It was during when when Trump was buying up casinos
in Atlantic City or whatever, and so he was, you know,
he was in the public eye quite a bit. Trump
was was a celebrity long before he was president, and
I remember my dad kind of mocking him and talking about,
you know, saying things like, you know, this is the
face of greed and whatnot, and talking about how he
didn't think Donald Trump was a good guy and whatnot.
And then here we are, you know, a few decades later,
and Dad's on the Trump train, and it was strange
to me. So then in twenty so, I was already
doing political content and had been for a long time.
Matt Connorton unleashed this version of the show that I'm
doing right now. Actually started as a podcast in twenty eleven.
Then in April of twenty seventeen, I had the opportunity
to bring the show to WMNH now You're in Manchester.
And at that point it was a two hour show.
We were doing after drive, so I was on weekday
afternoons from four to six pm, and you know, we
always had some musical guests, but it was mostly politics
at that point. So and I was trying to do
something different because political talk radio is very heavily dominated
by conservatives. So what I was trying to do is
not not be like the the you know, just you know,
a token liberal on the radio. You know, I was
trying to but I was trying to bring some balance
to it. And and you know, I would have conservative
guests on the show and have conversations and I would
uh take calls from anybody who wanted to talk really
so so I I you know, I was coming from,
you know, being on the left. I had a particular
point of view, and it you know, it's it's opinion journalism.
It's you know, just like a conservative show. I express
my opinions and with the possible exception of the Second
Amendment because I am in New Hampshire and uh, you
know that that's the one issue where I'm definitely not liberal.
But you know, for the most part, I'm a pretty
left leaning guy. And and I would be very open
with my opinions and and all my my my thoughts
on it. Oh. By the way, Texas Mike is in
the chat room and says, love you, Matt, appreciating a
part of your show. Thank you, Texas Mike. Yes, Texas
Mike also his government name Michael Martineau. He used to
appear when I was on in Afternoon Drive. Texas Mike
would appear on my show on a regular basis. That's
actually where the Texas mic persona came from, was him
being on my show and we just have a lot
of fun. But love you too, Mikey. But so when
I started on WM and AH in twenty seventeen, so
it was very heavy on the politics, and eventually my
dad started calling into the show. He started to I
don't think he had ever listened to the podcast version
of the show up to that. I don't think it
was on until I was on FM radio that he
really started paying attention to what I was doing and
the things that I was saying and all of it.
And he he had gone pretty hard MAGA by this point.
So he would call in and he would disagree with
me on things, and he would ramble. It's hard to
get a word in. But I always showed him more
latitude with that than I would with anybody else because
it's my dad and I love him. And even though
he would be calling and saying things, I mean, some
of the things he would say, some of it would
even you know, would get pretty wild, not just you know,
typical conservative talking points, mega talking points, but sometimes he
would veer off into conspiracy theories, and I know a
lot of mega people are also conspiracy theorists, but he would,
he would get he would go in some directions where
I was like, jeez, really, but again I would I
would let him say his peace, because he's my dad.
And if there's one person I'm not going to interrupt
talk over Muta's mute the audio whatever, it's my dad.
Because even though I didn't like what he was saying
and didn't agree with it, and even though it was
hard to have an actual conversation while he was rambling,
because I would have preferred that an actual back and
forth dialogue, but a lot at the time he just
couldn't do it. He just he'd start going and it
was like it was the Martin Connerton Show now, which
could be frustrating, but all that aside, part of me
just just loved that. My dad is who got me
interested in politics, and the first place is interested enough.
I don't know if he ever called other shows, but
he was interested enough in what I was doing and
wanted to be a part of it in some way,
and and was calling in. And it's not like he
called in all the time, but but he called in
often enough that listeners began to get acquainted with my dad.
And then when my dad became active on social media,
listeners began to get even more acquainted with my dad
and established relationships with him, parasocial relationships with my dad online.
And I did like that because, you know, I would
get text messages from my dad, you know, where he
would say things like, you know, I disagree with you
on a lot of your positions, Matt, But you know,
but I'm but I'm proud of you for using that
platform to say what you think. And and you do
engage in dialogue. You don't. You don't hang up on people,
you don't say you know you only want to talk
to people who agree with you. You actually engage in dialogue,
which I did. You know, I love to do that.
I enjoy talking with people I disagree with not as
much as I used to, because now we live in
a time where it seems like a lot of the
people I disagree with are existing on a different plane
of reality, where we can literally look at the exact
same thing and have such a different interpretation of events.
It's almost like, you know, that's why I don't like
argue with flat earthers, for example, It's like, what's the
point they exist on a different plane of reality, and
it is very much a plane to them. It's certainly
not a globe of reality. It's a plane of reality. Right,
So it's like why even bother you know, It's like
they're not living in reality. So what am I gonna
debate them about. There's a lot of people I won't
bother with for that reason. You know, if if if
you exist in a completely different dimension than I do,
then what do we have to talk about. I'm here
on Earth one. If you're on on Earth too, you know,
talk to other people who are living with you on
Earth too, you know, leave me out of it. That's
kind of my uh, that's kind of my thing. But
so I got a kick out of it. I like
there was a part of me that enjoyed. And then
my dad would send me text messages and he would say,
you know, I don't agree with what you said about this.
I think you're wrong about this. I think you're wrong
about that. I think you're wrong about these other ten things.
But I like the way you do your show. I
like the way you have dialogue. I love this is
the part where he was always very positive right till
the end. He was always very positive about this, he said,
and I love the musical guests that you have on
the show, because again, my dad loved to hear new music.
That was something where he was unwaveringly supportive with me
was my support of independent and unsigned artists in the
music scene and local artists in the music scene. He
was always very very supportive on that cause, again, like
I said earlier, my dad loved hearing new music. You know.
It's like I said before, if you got into a
car with my dad, you would not hear an oldies
station on the radio, not not no, you would hear
whatever college radio station was in range. You know, he
lived on the Sea coast. He loved to listen to
w u n H, the great college station there, because
he loved hearing new music, you know, he and he
loved having access. That's something he learned to really love
about the Internet, is having access to even though he
was a little technophobic, as as a lot of boomers are,
but he loved having access to you know, all this music,
just anything you want to hear you can find. You know,
he loved it. He thought it was great. You know.
He certainly loved and appreciated the music of his youth,
of his youth. But he never got stuck there. He
never got stuck there. You know. My dad is the
reason that indirectly that Kiss became my all time favorite band,
because when I was a kid, and Kiss was already
well out of the makeup at this point, there were
it was, this was during the non makeup era. But uh,
you know, I remember this memory very clearly. I was
and I was aware of Kiss already at that point,
but I hadn't really listened to them much. But I
remember being in the living room one afternoon after school
and the video for Tears Are Falling from Kiss's Asylum
album was on MTV and my dad comes home from
work and he kind of pokes his head into the
living room and he says, Maddie, who is that Who
does this song? Is that Kiss? And I said, yeah,
it is, It's Kiss. And he said, wow, I really
like this song and I said, yeah, me too. It's
like my favorite song right now. So then that was
in October of that year. So then for Christmas he
got me that album. For Christmas, he got me Asylum,
and uh, and then I was hooked. You know. I
think Asylum is a really underrated album, and and that
and Kiss became my favorite band from then on. But
Dad and I, you know, so, we never had that.
We never had that sort of generational thing that so
many people experience with their parents, where their parents are like, oh,
this music you kids are listening to today is garbage.
Dad and I never had that because Dad always enjoyed
music that was current. I did tell the story. I
think I did tell this on the radio show. But
my dad also really loved Van Halen when I was
growing up, and I had borrowed the video from a
friend of mine, oh, from Bill Zappia Hi, Billy. Billy
was like my best friend for a long time growing up.
And now he's a very successful musician, which I always
knew he would be because he was a very talented
musician when I was growing up. Already he was ahead
of everyone else I knew. But Billy had loaned us
a Van Halen live VHS tape again I'm aging myself,
called Live Without a Net and it was from the
fifty one to fifty tour and it was a live
concert video and Dad and I watched it together and
this is what I remember. It was a Sunday night.
So it was a school night at school in the morning,
and Dad was always pretty insistent that I went to
bed on time. He wanted me to be awake and
rested for school. Education was important to him, but he'd
make an exception once in a while. So we watch
We watched this. We watched Van Halen Live without an
Ette all the way through. We both really enjoyed it.
And then my father says to me at the end
of it, He goes, Maddy, do you want to watch
Do you want to watch a little bit of that again?
Like maybe just the first couple of songs. I mean,
he really And this was something Dad and I always
agreed on too, you know, as far as Van Halen goes,
as far as frontmen. You know the great debate David
Lee Roth versus Sammy Hagar. I love them both for
different reasons, but gone to my head, I go with
Sammy Hagar. I love Sammy Hagar. I love his voice. Again.
Roth is great in his own way for other reasons,
but Sammy's got the pipes and fifty one fifty to
this day is my favorite Van Halen album, Just one
great song after another. I love that album. And my
dad was was always of the same mindset, so Dad.
At the end of this, so we watched this live
without an Ette, this live concert video with Sammy Hagar
as the front man, and Dad says to me, do
you want to watch just watch a little bit of
it again, just the first couple songs maybe, and then
you got to go to bed, And I said okay.
So we put it on, and I knew, because I
knew my dad well enough, I knew what was about
to happen. We were going to end up watching the
whole thing again together because there was no way, because
he'd put himself in a corner here, right because he
says to me, and he must have known too deep
down at least he says to me, you know, we'll
just watch a couple more and then you got to
go to bed a couple you know, first couple songs.
But I knew there's no way he's gonna say, Okay, Maddie,
you should probably get to bed now while we're in
the middle of watching this. So we ended up watching
the entire thing second time. I was up like two
hours past my bedtime, but I knew Dad was going
to make an exception, and he did, and we watched
the entire the entire show a second time, and that
was a nice memory. I've got a lot of great memories.
Dad was. Dad was great when I was growing up.
He was never hit me, rarely, rarely raised his voice
to me. I can't say that he never did, but
but he would rarely. As my sister Lindsay put it,
he was a very gentle parent and very empathetic and
is responsible for a lot of how I am my
personality today. I'm my mom too. But obviously, like I
said earlier, I saw a lot less of my mother
growing up than I did my dad because my dad
had primary custody. But a lot of that my mother
instilled in me too. But my dad always my dad
when I was growing up. He was very is this
a good man and and just instilled, you know, values
in me. You know, speak up when when you when
you see injustice and and when you see things you
don't like happening in the world, talk about it. Make
your voice heard. I think there may have been moments
in very recent times that he might have regretted instilling
some of that in me. I said that half half joking, No,
but I think you know, in terms of being being
empathetic and patient with people, and having dialogue with people
and trying to meet people where they are and talk
things through and all that I definitely got. Again, my
mother contributed to to that because she's that way too,
but but I definitely got got got all that from
my dad primarily. So he was a good He was
a good father growing up. Doesn't mean he didn't make mistakes.
I have specific memories of odd things that happened or
that he said or did, but but nothing terrible, you know.
But but and and those things are far because no
parent is perfect, right. I'm sure everyone has things that
they look back on from their childhood and specific moments
that they think, jeez, mom or dad or maybe both
of them, they they didn't handle that very well. That
was strange. We all have well that stuff because no
parent is perfect. But but my dad was a pretty
good dad, pretty good dad growing up. I always felt safe
with him, and he instilled a lot of really good
things in me, I think, you know. And and the
two things that that bound us the most were politics
and music always and and continued to but in kind
of a different way with the politics part. And like
I said, I don't. I don't want to just because
it did. It did finally complicate our relationship in recent years. So,
like I said, when he really started getting sort of
involved and invested in what I was doing in afternoon
drive political talk radio. And not right away either. I
started at WM and H in April of twenty seventeen.
I'm not sure exactly when he started calling the show.
It wasn't right away, but once he started calling, he called.
He called fairly often. Sometimes he had a bad habit
of calling right near the end of the show and
then it's like, Dad, we gotta go, we gotta go,
we gotta go. But there there came a point where
his criticisms of me in the text messages that he
would send me or in the voicemails that he would
leave me occasionally, where they started to go from what
could be taken as constructive criticism and sort of you know,
will agree to disagree on this. It really started to shift.
Might have been during COVID, might have been a little after,
because it took a while for this to really take hold.
But he started getting aggressive. And again I'm not you know,
I'm talking about my dad, and you know I'm not
trying to say anything negative. But I also you know,
but I do want to give the full picture of
everything of him. I think that's fair. And you know,
this is where our relationship got complicated. I would get
some text messages from him. I can tell you what
the height of it was. Well, not the height of
it even but where it really shifted was when roe V.
Wade was overturned. He got nasty with me about it
because again, I am unapologetically pro choice, and he knew
that about me. He always knew that about me, but
as an again as a devout Catholic man, and like
I said, when I was a kid and Dad was
still a liberal O sensibly a liberal Democrat. That was
the one thing where he agreed with conservatives on and
I think his Catholicism played a big role in that.
That was the one thing he was always very pro choice.
So when roe V. Wade was overturned, see again he
knew my position. But now we're talking about it on
the show and I'm talking about it with other yes,
and it's it's in his face, right, you know, he knew,
he knew my position, and my position had never changed
and his position had never changed. But but I think
now it was like it was in his face. It
was it was me saying these things in a very
public forum and having the support of other people who
agreed with me in this public forum, and and it
really upset him. And very few people know this, but
it got to a point, I mean, he started, he
started sending me very angry, very angry, aggressive text messages,
and he sent me at one point, he sent me
a text message that said, you have become and in
raised pure evil and I don't know you, and I
don't know who you are anymore, but you are evil
and you are not my son. That was probably the meanest,
angriest text messages I ever got from him, and I
got a lot of angry, mean text messages from him
in recent years. That was that was probably the height
of it, though, in terms of just nasty things to
say to me. And ninety nine percent of the time
I would not respond to any of that, any of
his anger, but I did that time, and I just said,
what a horrible thing to say to your son, whom
you supposedly love, you know, and for no other reason
than we disagree politically. A couple of days later, I
got sort of a half asked apology. But even the
apology that I got from him was kind of weird
because he said and maybe apologies being too kind, Maybe
excuse would be more accurate. But he he said something about,
but you know, Maddie, I've always been a masculine father,
and I've always believed in tough love. That's why I
was being so stern with you. And that was weird too,
because number one, not only is that not a good
reason to call me evil and say I'm not your
son anymore and you don't know me, but also it
also wasn't true. He wasn't like he wasn't this like
super masculine father. I mean he was you know, he
wasn't like a tough you know, tough love kind of
you know. I mean, he made it sound like he
was this this tough guy who raised me very strictly
and sternly and hit me if I got out of
line and all that. I mean, that's what he made
it sound like in the text. Well, you know, I've
always always been a tough dad, a masculine fother It's like, no,
you weren't. You weren't dad, What are you talking about? No?
I mean he was a great dad growing up, but
he wasn't like this, like tough guy. He wasn't one
of those dads, you know, so that was odd to me.
But I would get, you know, from time to time
after that, I would get text messages from him, not
quite that mean, but he would say things like, you know,
al he would sort of hint that he was disowning me.
He would do this thing where he would say, you know,
you're my son. I'll always I'll always love you, and
i'll always pray for you, but I need to accept
that you're just very different, or we're just very different.
We see the world very different. I mean he would
say a variation of that before, but originally he would
say things like, you know, all the great philosophers talk
about how you know, fathers and sons. You know, sometimes
they disagree and that's just a part of the dynamic
and whatnot. But now it was more like, I just
have to accept that we're well, we disagree. I'll always
love you and I'll always pray for you, but I
just don't think I think at one point he said,
I just don't think there's any point in us talking
anymore about anything. You know, it's like okay, And I
would rarely respond to any of that because I didn't
know what the hell to say to it, to be frank,
And it's one of those things you know now that
these passed away, it's one of those things that you know,
those I guess anyone who's lost a parent probably goes
through this, you know, the regrets and the second guessing
and the you know, like now I look back and think, well,
should I have said something when he would say those things?
Should I have responded with, well, you're my dad and
I love you no matter what I think. Might I
might have actually said things like that at some point,
but but I think a lot of the time I
didn't because I was just like, again, in pardon my language,
but I just was like, what the fuck? Why would
you say? Why would you say these things to me?
You know, I get it, you're this hardcore maga dude now, uh,
And I'm not. But you know, I can tell you
I never once texted him and said, you know, I
don't know what happened to you, dad, But like, I never,
at least I don't think I did. I don't think
I ever was overly judgmental or anything with him. The
only thing I do remember calling him on something because
at one point he said to me again in a
text message, because I wasn't picking up the phone when
he was calling, I'd let it go to voicemail because
I just I'd had enough of being you know, if
you're going to call me to tell me how twisted
and evil you think I am, just because I disagree
with you politically, I'm not going to pick up your
call every time. I don't know if you ever understood that,
And maybe I should have picked up those calls more often. Again,
it goes back to the you know, the regrets, the
second guessing, all of it. But but he did at
one point say to me. I believe it was in
a text message. He said something like, I don't know
why you take these positions, Matt. I didn't raise you
to think that way. And I think I did respond
to him, and I just said, first of all, yeah,
it's coming back to me now. I think I said
two things. I said, First of all, you raised me
to think for myself, so of course I'm going to
have my own thoughts, opinions and ideas than you number one.
But number two, you did raise me because again, look
I was raising a household of democrats. I said to him,
you did raise me to have certain values and certain
priorities and to stick up for and speak up for
marginalized groups. Again, you know my dad, he was a
devout Catholic, so he was not an LGBTQ plus advocate,
shall we say me I was? Why because my dad
Catholicism aside, my dad raised me to speak up for
disenfranchised and marginalized people. So so when he said to me,
I didn't raise you to think this way, it's like
the fuck you didn't. Of course you did. You just
don't like how it's evolved from there. But Dad, you
did raise me to think this way. Now you don't
want to take responsibility for it because now you're this
hardcore maga dude. That's fine. I don't need you to
take responsibility for it, but you know, but but you
played a role in it how I turned out. If
if you're at a point now in your life where
politically you think having empathy for people and and and
looking out for people is somehow a weakness instead of
a strength which you raised me to believe it is,
you know, that's on you. That's not my fault that
you've now kind of become this other dude. So I
think I because I think it was that specific text
when he said that to me. I didn't raise you
to think this way. It's like, yeah, you did, and
I'm glad you did and thank you. You might not
be happy with the end result, but this is how
I am. This is who I am, you know. So.
But but it would go through phases too, so he'd
get pretty nasty and angry, but then he'd kind of
back off of it, and there were even times where
he would try to focus on There was one thing
where we always agreed, where we agreed when I was
when I was growing up, that he instilled in me
and that we agreed on. As far as I know,
he never changed positions until the day that he died,
and that was the death penalty. Dad and I were
always always completely against the death penalty. And that's that's
something where he never That's that's one issue where he
never did go go maga. As far as I know,
he always was opposed to the death penalty. But that's
how our relationship got complicated. And I I'll never know
for sure, but I think I think in his mind
I sort of became the avatar for everything that was
making him so angry, you know, because he'd called me,
like I remember at one point in a text messages,
in a text message, he said, he called me a
typical woke liberal. And you know, because conservatives think being
called a woke liberal as an insult, I I don't
take it that way, but it's like, thank you, but
but he called me a woke liberal and and it's like, uh,
you know, okay, but again I'm I'm, I'm you know,
there are things that I care about and that I'm
passionate about. And then I say on my show, uh
but now, but now to him, and I remember I
remember that comment specifically. It's like, because he used that
word typical, and I I remember thinking, I think that
all of the everyone in the media who he hates,
you know, everybody on MSNBC and you know, whoever, help
whoever else right now it's MS now, but whoever, whoever
he hates, whoever he's angry at, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, everybody,
Kamala Harris, sorry, Gavin Newsom, Chuck Schumer, whoever. I think
I think he was directing all of it at me,
I now represented all of that to him in his mind.
And part of why I think that to us because
he would say weird stuff to me, like I remember
one point getting a text message from him saying, you
know you support AOC and I don't know how you
can support her and she's an idiot. And I remember
reading this text from him and thinking, when was the
last time I even talked about AOC on my show?
Like I couldn't remember. Yeah, it was a weird moment
because I remember reading that text and going, what is
he talking about? Because he's making it sound like I
was talking about her on my show today. I can't
even remember the last time her name came up on
my show. Or he would say like, you know, you
love Chuck Schumer, and it's like, no, actually, I don't.
I think Chuck Schumer should have retired a long time ago.
I don't think he should be in the position that
he's in the Democratic Party. He's you know, he's an
old guard establishment Democrat and he's not helpful to anything
at this point, and I have nothing, And then I
started remembering, have I ever said anything positive about Chuck
Schumer on my show? When was the last time I
haven't talked about Chuck Schumer, but he's like, but he would.
He would just say this stuff, like you support this person,
you support that person. People I never even really talked about.
In some cases, people I viscerally dislike, like Chuck Schumer,
no use for him, but he would say these things
like you support him or who else. I'm trying to
think of another example, but it would get it would
get weird, like like, what is he talking about here?
So I think he I think he just got I
think he got red pilled, but red pill on steroids.
So I say all that to say, and again I'm
not I'm not trying to say anything negative because that
was not the point of this. I wanted to talk
about my dad to honor him, because I loved my
father very much, love presentense. I love my father very much,
probably more so the version you know, pre him getting
so angry with me, but more love that version of
him more. But I always loved my father right to
the end. Seeing him in that hospital bed was horrific,
seeing him lying there unconscious, It's horrifying, you know. And
I know that he loved me, and even when he
was angry with me, I know that he loved me,
but you know, but I did want to present the
whole picture too, you know, and there was some but look,
I mean when when the show moved to Saturdays and
we took the politics out of the radio version of
the show, the W and H version, and started focusing
more on on just interviews with musicians and other and
discussing other subjects going on in the music industry. I
think he probably missed being able to call in because
obviously there's there's really no room for callers on that
version of the show, with with rare exception on the
current iteration. But but it may have been a relief
to him too in a sense, because I did notice
because he would text me and say very nice things
about the Saturday show, very positive, encouraging things, talking about
how he would say, you know, Matts, so many so
many uh so much incredible talent out there, and you're
and you're highlighting it and it's and it's great. You're
doing such a wonderful job with that. Hello to gamer
Jane in the chat watching on twitch. I believe oh
there's a quote here from gamer Jane Kenneth boiled boiling.
I don't know who that is said quote, anyone who
believes in indefinite growth in anything physical on a physically
finite planet is either mad or an economist. Us. I
have no idea what that has to do with anything,
but it's a very uh interesting thought. Okay. I do
appreciate the interaction regardless. Please don't think I don't. So,
you know, So there was there was a lot of
positive feedback from my dad. But then, of course, you know,
if I did something political on this version of the show,
or on uh Hanging Left, the show that I do
with Todd Air, or or even on even on Tough Bumps,
the show that I do with Eric Pilcher, which is
all about professional wrestling. Dad was upset about some of
our comments about hull Cogan after he passed away, because Eric,
in particular, I I tried to be a little more measured.
Eric had some very negative things to say about hul Cogan,
and Dad was was mad about that, you know. But
h but all that, all that kind of falls away,
you know, when you get a call from him saying,
you know, Maddie, I'm in the hospital. It's my heart.
It's uh yeah, my dad. I think he was sixty
seven when he had his first heart attack and then
he had a second one a few years ago, and uh,
I had to have open heart surgery and the whole deal,
and recovered both times. This time, you know, he went
to Wentworth Douglas because he was living in Dover, and
then he was in total heart failure and they, uh,
I don't know if they use the word total. That
doesn't make sense, does it, Because if he was in
total heart failure, he probably would have died right away,
but severe heart failure, and they ended up transferring him
to Mass General. And I can tell you this, I
do take some solace in the fact that he was
at one of the best hospitals in the country with
one of the best cardiac teams in the country, Mass
General in Boston, because I know that he had let
me put it this way, if they couldn't save him,
if the team there couldn't save him, and they loved
my dad, by the way, one of the doctors told
me on the phone. He said, he's the most pleasant
person here and everyone loves him, loves talking to him.
So he was a very good patient. Didn't surprise me actually,
But apparently the television stayed off too. There was no
Fox News while he was there in that hospital bed.
I wonder how different he might have been if he'd
but he I don't think he wanted it. I think
he just wanted to to focus on the positive as
he was trying to get better. But if they couldn't
save him, this is the point of what I'm saying.
If they couldn't save him, nobody could. You know, in
one of the best hospitals in the country. If if
Mass General couldn't save my dad, nobody could save my dad. So,
you know, that does give me a little bit of
peace of mind, knowing that, you know, he wasn't at
you know, you know, some some backwoods po dunk medical
facility and uh you know backwater Alabama or something, you know,
Bob's Hospital in backwoods Alabama. No, he was in one
of the best hospitals in the country. If they couldn't
save him, no one could save him. And he fought
bravely for Cheese. I think it was almost two months
from start to finish, from when Wentworth Douglas transferred him
there to when he passed away. He was there for
a long time, so he fought bravely. Unjillie couldn't and
that was it. So I appreciate anyone who sat through
all of this because I think I think we've kind
of exhausted it. The one other thing that I will say,
and I did say this on social media, and I
want to repeat it here too, And if you know,
if Lindsay or Ryan or both, if they happened to
watch this or listen to this, you know, silver line
this is all. This is all going to sound very cliche.
I apologize, but because I try not to be cliche.
But if there's a silver lining to any of it,
it's that I've reconnected with them. My family became I
didn't talk any about this part at all, but my
family became pretty fractured. Jeez, what year would it have
even been? Sometime in the nineties when uh, my h
my stepmother Debbie left my dad and uh moved back
to New York with my sister Lindsay and my brother Ryan.
They're they're half siblings. Uh so you know, we have
the same dad, different mothers. They're from from my father's
second marriage, and they and and you know, as as
happens in a lot of families, it's just you know,
so we we were in different places geographically, and then
life kind of takes over and everyone goes on whatever
path they're on, and sometimes families lose touch. And I
will be the first to admit and acknowledge that when
it comes to keeping in touch with people, even members
of my own family, Uh, I'm not I'm not good
at it. I have an incoming call from doctor Kevin.
I'm not sure why he's called. I haven't heard from
doctor Kevin in a long time. I'm not sure why
he's calling me right now unless he's watching the live
stream but and wants to join the conversation. But Kevin,
I don't I don't really have any way to answer it.
I mean, I have a way to answer it, but
I don't have any way to import the audio unless
he wants me to put him on speaker. Well, let
me finish this thought. And I love doctor Kevin, noticerespect
at all. He's a great guy. But you know, I'm
really glad to have reconnected with my sister Lindsay and
my brother Ryan. They're both remarkable people. And you know,
they came out we had to clean out Dad's apartment.
They came out here and we did that together. But
and and Lindsay's Lindsay's husband Gary also, you know, I
got to meet him for the first time. Just a
great guy, very positive attitude, positive vibe. And of course, uh,
they're they're two there are two children who I had
not met prior and uh, and and my stepmother Debbie,
who hadn't seen in decades. That was that was wild
seeing her again, just like wow, you know, And it's strange,
like so much time can pass since you've seen somebody
and then like literally decades and then you're there in
the room with them and it's like nothing's changed in
a way. You know. Again, it all sounds very cliche
and trite, and I don't. I try not to be
that way. Uh, but you know, but it was wonderful too.
You know. The night before we we we had dinner
and we all had dinner together and that was nice.
And like I said, you know, they've turned out to
be remarkable people and who have done a lot of
the heavy lifting in this process too, which I'm grateful for,
you know. And then there's you know, like I said too,
then there's all the regrets and second guessing and kind
of feeling like I shouldn't have let I shouldn't you know,
because it was never again, there was never any estrangement
between my siblings and I none, not at all. It
was never like that, no problem or anything. We just
you know, or not even that. I mean, what five
hours where they where they live said five hours from here,
six hours from here. But you know, people, they just
end up on their own paths. And I also think too,
there's this phenomenon where I think social media makes it
a little easier than it used to be to kind
of take people for granted, because it almost feels like
like if you if you can see them online, if
you can see them on social media, then that sort
of becomes almost like a replacement for keeping in touch
with them. You don't feel like you're not in touch
with that person because you like their Facebook post or something,
and that sort of becomes good enough. And it's but
it's really a way of taking them for granted. And
I am as guilty of that, if not more so
than anybody, and I feel terrible about that. But getting
to see them and and and and seeing seeing the
remarkable people they've become was a real blessing. And it
sucks that it took Dad passing away for that to happen,
but at least it happened, you know, getting to see them,
and it's funny. I got to the h that night
before before we had to clean out Dad's apartment. I
got to the restaurant we met up in Portsmouth, and
I got to the restaurant before them, and then as
they're getting as they're getting out of the vehicle, I
just it was that was a cold night. Actually not
as cold as it's been recently, but that was a
cold night, and I just so I was waiting inside,
but you know, as they pulled up and they're getting
out of the vehicle, I just kind of opened the
door of the restaurant. I poke my hat out and
I said, Hi, are you my family? I knew it
was them, but it was surreal, it really was, but
in the best possible way. So I was nervous. I
was nervous about it, but then being there with them,
like like once they got there, you know, and where
everyone's hugging and everything, then you know, whatever nervousness or
apprehension I felt was just gone, completely gone. It's like, oh,
here we are. This is supposed to be We're all
supposed to be together. Just felt really natural, and it
was good and we had a nice we had a
nice meal together. So there will be a service, I
believe in May, with the full military honors and everything
for my dad because he was a veteran, he was
in the Navy during the Vietnam War. That there was
going to be something else but in New York and
that's where he'll be buried to in New York State,
because ultimately, I mean, he had more family out there
than he had here, and he you know, but the
decision was made to cremate him. But but again, there
be an official funeral service in May, I believe may
or June, I think is what Gary had said, you know,
but they decided to cremate them, which is fine with me.
I mean, I personally, I can tell you I've I've
I've always found it kind of interesting that people tend
to be so concerned with that or what's going to
happen to their body after they die. You know, you'll
often hear people say, well, I want to be buried.
I want to be I want to be buried in
such and such a place with you know, and or
they'll say, well, I don't like the idea of being
in the ground. I want to be cremated and then
you can scatter my ashes in the ocean or put
me on your mantle or whatever. And I just always
thought it's kind of interesting that people are so concerned
with that. I personally couldn't care less, like what you
do with me after I die. If you want to
take me and dump me in the river, you can.
I mean, you probably can't. I'm sure that's extremely illegal.
But you know, if you wanted to have some fun
with it and make it look like it was a hit,
go ahead, because I got news for you. I'm not
gonna know. You know what I mean, When I die,
my ego will die with me, So I've I've always said,
you know, I could not give a shit less what
you do with me after I die, because to me,
it's like or it's like with like I don't understand.
And again, I don't mean this. I'm not criticizing anyone
when I say any of this. Everyone has their own
way of dealing with death and grief and all of it.
So you know, however you want to do it as
your deal, I'm not I'm not trying to make fun
of anybody or criticize anybody, but like, I don't, I
don't do uh. I don't do the open casket thing.
Like if I go to a funeral and as an
open casket, I'm not gonna or awake. I'm not gonna
go and go over to where the body is and
say my last goodbyes and whatnot. I don't do that.
I avoid that. I personally think it's a bit morbid. Again,
everybody do your own thing. I have an this is
an unpopular opinion that I have. I'm an odd case
on this, but I just don't want to ever do
that because to me, that body that's not them, that's
now a shell that used to contain them, their essence,
their consciousness, their soul if you believe in that, whatever.
But once they die, that's no longer them. It's now
just a dead body. So I don't need to go
and hang out with a dead body and say bye.
Like to me, it's weird, but again that's me. I'm unusual.
I understand people need that. People need that for closure,
whatever it is. That's how you process grief. You go,
you see the body, you say goodbye. I've never done that,
no thank you, But again that's me. I don't understand
the open casket thing. I don't understand having awake. And
again I look, it's recorded. It's documented. So you know,
if when I die, you do decide to throw me
in a river, you have no no jury will convict you,
because I'm sure it's very illegal to do that, because
I am on record saying you have permission to do that.
There you go. You can eat me if you want to.
If you're a cannibal and I'm dead and I look
delicious to you, you go ahead. I do not give
a shit because I won't know. I mean, assuming there's well, look,
if there's no afterlife and it's just that's it, lights out,
I won't know anything. And if there isn't, if I'm
wrong and there is an afterlife, well hopefully at that
point I have bigger fish to fry than worrying about
you know, whether you know what happened to the carcass
that used to contain me. That's how I feel about it,
all right. I think I've exhausted this and I'm glad
I finally did it. And if there's anyone who actually
sat through the whole thing, thank you. So that's my
kind of my memorial to Martin James Connerton. My father
passed away at the age of seventy eight December eighteenth,
twenty twenty five at mass General Hospital. And you know,
I may talk about him more in the future if
something comes up that maybe I wanted to say that
I forgot or anything like that, But otherwise I think
that's it. If you are watching or listening to this
live on Sunday night and you're wondering about this week's
episode of Tough Bumps, Eric wanted to skip this week
because he's been very, very busy, so we have taken
this week off, but Tough Bumps will return next week,
I believe. And of course, if you missed this week's
radio show that is up and available. You can get that.
Please subscribe on your podcast platform of choice. And if
you want to keep up with everything I'm up to
or learn more about me, just find out how to
reach me. Go to my website Matt Connorton dot com.
And if you're watching the video of this, it's even
on the screen. So there you go. All right, I
think that's it. Love to you all, thank you, and
stay safe again if you're you know, if you have
to travel anywhere, and you're selling breather. This terrible weather
system is occurring. Please be very very careful. Bye everybody,