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Speaker 3: UPSNAPMOMAL Contact Talk Radio. Welcome to Sex's Medicine, your number
Speaker 3: one resource for holistic sex education. I'm Davey word Ericson,
Speaker 3: and I invite you to join me every week for
Speaker 3: another enriching and powerful conversation about the intersection of sexuality, spirituality, pleasure,
Speaker 3: and personal growth. Each episode of Sex's Medicine is dedicated
Speaker 3: to awakening your heart and mind to the true purpose
Speaker 3: and power of human sexuality. Please join me on this
Speaker 3: journey of self discovery as we explore the art of
Speaker 3: using pleasure as medicine to awaken, heal, and empower every
Speaker 3: area of your life. Sex's Medicine broadcasts every Thursday at
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Speaker 3: listen to the replay and subscribe to Sex's Medicine on Spotify, Stitcher,
Speaker 3: tune in, iTunes, iHeartRadio, and YouTube. And now get ready
Speaker 3: for another episode of Sex Is Medicine. Hey, everybody, Welcome
Speaker 3: to Sex Is Medicine. I am your host, Davey ward
Speaker 3: ericson here with you once again for another juicy and
Speaker 3: enriching conversation about sexuality, spirituality, pleasure, and personal growth. And
Speaker 3: I'm just gonna remind you once again that we are
Speaker 3: coming towards the end of October and Little Davy Dooglebug
Speaker 3: and Sex's Medicine is taking a break for the winter,
Speaker 3: so we're gonna go offline from November December and into
Speaker 3: twenty twenty two. We will be back in twenty twenty
Speaker 3: two with all kinds of awesome new content for you.
Speaker 3: In the meantime, you can catch up on all those
Speaker 3: two hundred episodes that you may have messed. Here with
Speaker 3: me today is Chris Stefer love Stone, and I made
Speaker 3: Christopher work kind of hard to get this interview, one
Speaker 3: of our last ones for twenty twenty one. Had some
Speaker 3: questions for him about his work, and it is really
Speaker 3: powerful and necessary work for all of us to know about.
Speaker 3: So I'm delighted to share his message with all of us,
Speaker 3: all of you and me too. A little bit about
Speaker 3: Christopher Lovestone, which is an amazing name, by the way,
Speaker 3: Christopher Lovestone. That is lucky if you're going to be
Speaker 3: a sex educator.
Speaker 2: That's time.
Speaker 3: That's kind like the name to have. So Christopher Lovestone
Speaker 3: is described as the Einstein of relationships and he's an
Speaker 3: ingenious certified sex educator who is breaking new ground in
Speaker 3: sex education for men and couples. After surviving six divorces
Speaker 3: during his childhood, he went on to rewrite the rules
Speaker 3: of the relationship game so that people can actually win. Yes,
Speaker 3: thank you. His ingenious and practical approach transforms people's ability
Speaker 3: to get what they really want in their long term relationship.
Speaker 3: Through study of the art, communication tools, edge sex and
Speaker 3: intimacy education, and innovative relational strategies, he empowers people to
Speaker 3: exit relationship exhaustion and cultivate the intimacy of their dreams
Speaker 3: with their partner. And to help us all in this endeavor,
Speaker 3: I know that's pretty who rates your bios and so
Speaker 3: support us all with us. He's recently published a new
Speaker 3: book called Conscious Cock Again love that title, and we're
Speaker 3: going to dive into the explanation of what that book
Speaker 3: is about and why and how it can help support
Speaker 3: all of us and having healthy, long term, sustainable relationship.
Speaker 3: So thank you Christopher Lovestone.
Speaker 2: For Amen Way women, Hey God, Hey God, us. That
Speaker 2: was the most amazing introduction. Thank you, Davey. I'm so
Speaker 2: happy to be here. You know, these are uncommon conversations
Speaker 2: that we're having. Not for you because you've got two
Speaker 2: hundred episodes on a podcast, but for most people, this
Speaker 2: isn't stuff that we normally talk about. So thank you
Speaker 2: for inviting me on the show. Thank you for being
Speaker 2: rigorous about seeing whether or not i'd be a good
Speaker 2: fit with my message. I really appreciate that. And being
Speaker 2: able to discuss this for other people helps them to
Speaker 2: be able to discuss it in their lives, right. It
Speaker 2: normalizes these types of conversations, these types of thoughts and
Speaker 2: feelings that we don't see in popular media.
Speaker 3: Well yeah, and it's so necessary because these are normal
Speaker 3: issues that we all deal with and we're kind of
Speaker 3: left out, you know, in the wild to try and
Speaker 3: figure it out on our own, and you know, perpetuating
Speaker 3: trauma and all sorts of stuff. So it's wonderful to
Speaker 3: have some guides on our journey of healing and reclamation
Speaker 3: of our love and our joy. So where did this
Speaker 3: journey begin? For you? You survive six divorces, that's and as
Speaker 3: we know from early childhood, trauma, adverse childhood experiences. One
Speaker 3: divorce is bad enough, much less six. So how did
Speaker 3: all this start for you? Ah?
Speaker 2: Feminism? My mom, single parent, getting pregnant in college in
Speaker 2: the seventies. Didn't want to have an abortion. What was
Speaker 2: she going to do? Wanted to have her child. She
Speaker 2: lit her up inside just it was her personal thing, like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, that she was so clear she's going
Speaker 2: to come hell or high water. She was going to
Speaker 2: do anything it took to have me and raise me
Speaker 2: as safely as possible. But that didn't turn out to
Speaker 2: be easy. Vietnam vets were the kind of guys that
Speaker 2: she got into relationships with that was the man of
Speaker 2: the era back then, and they had so much trauma. Yes,
Speaker 2: So anyway, she ended up having one relationship after another
Speaker 2: and they'd be about three or four years long then
Speaker 2: they'd break and usually it was because of cheating, always
Speaker 2: was because of abuse and fighting, and I just would
Speaker 2: see them. I live this, this trauma, the emotional abuse,
Speaker 2: the financial abuse, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, and
Speaker 2: it was just acid to my heart, Like I just
Speaker 2: knew in my soul that there was something better out there.
Speaker 2: There's got to be otherwise this world sucks. Screw it.
Speaker 2: I don't want to be in this life. I just
Speaker 2: saw how people could just have the best desires and
Speaker 2: intentions for relationship success, for emotional fulfilling connection, but then
Speaker 2: just ships would pass in the night. They'd both be
Speaker 2: stuck in their stories and unable to see that there's
Speaker 2: some sense in what the other person was saying, some
Speaker 2: sense in the other person's perspective. They just couldn't get
Speaker 2: me on themselves. So I started escaping by reading science fiction.
Speaker 3: Wow, hey me too, send my way out.
Speaker 2: Ye read my mind, Thank God, because my life was
Speaker 2: really kind of a prison, and I started thinking, oh,
Speaker 2: maybe there could be other ways, ways that I don't
Speaker 2: see around me, Thank the Lord. So as an adult,
Speaker 2: I just kind of devoted my life to searching for
Speaker 2: this diamond in the rough that I didn't see around me.
Speaker 2: It wasn't in popular media, it wasn't in Hollywood. Didn't
Speaker 2: see any friends or family, or nobody in my community.
Speaker 2: Nobody was doing what I considered a healthy, hot relationship.
Speaker 2: It was just all cheating life, eying, betrayal, trauma. But
Speaker 2: I kept searching. I went to the library at thirteen,
Speaker 2: trying to find a book on sex to ask myself
Speaker 2: the question is masturbation okay? Is this okay? Let me
Speaker 2: learn about it? Am I gonna hurt myself if I
Speaker 2: do this too much? Like I couldn't find the information.
Speaker 2: So thirty years later, let's say, you know, I finally
Speaker 2: succeeded in my own life at having a system, literally
Speaker 2: a system that works in relationship between a man and
Speaker 2: a woman. That's what I focus on, is heterosexual relationships.
Speaker 2: And then I see all these guys out there that
Speaker 2: are struggling. They can't make it work. They're trying, and
Speaker 2: they're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Feminism
Speaker 2: has emasculated them, put their their dick and their power
Speaker 2: in a box and said we don't want that. That's bad.
Speaker 2: You're the cause of all the problems in the world.
Speaker 2: But then at the same time, there's all these women
Speaker 2: doing self empowerment work. We're saying, I want an empowered
Speaker 2: man too. Where's all the guys doing empowerment work? Well,
Speaker 2: a empowerment that's almost a dirty word, yeah, mm hmm. Anyway,
Speaker 2: so I was like, I got to help these guys.
Speaker 2: I had to help myself up. It was hard by
Speaker 2: my bootstrap. Year after a year and I finally figured
Speaker 2: out a way. Let me ease it for the next guy,
Speaker 2: try on what I'm doing, Try it on for size,
Speaker 2: see if it works for you. If it doesn't, fine,
Speaker 2: This isn't gospel, but it is a system that does
Speaker 2: work for me. It is a roadmap that is functional.
Speaker 3: So what are some what are some some of the
Speaker 3: hallmarks of this roadmap. I don't want you to give your
Speaker 3: you know, system away for free, because that's what's in
Speaker 3: your book, but give us an idea what what this
Speaker 3: system is like? How how did it come about? Was
Speaker 3: it just kind of like trial and error? Or you know,
Speaker 3: did you did? You read a lot of self help
Speaker 3: books like how did this all occur?
Speaker 2: A life of reading books on the topics of intimacy,
Speaker 2: which is relationship skills, on the topics of communication, how
Speaker 2: to actually get your meaning across to another person and
Speaker 2: how to elicit their meaning that they're trying to communicate
Speaker 2: to you, maybe in broken words, in complete paragraphs, you know.
Speaker 2: And then also modern sex head not sex said from
Speaker 2: when I was in high school I'm forty seven years old,
Speaker 2: which was all about just say no to drugs and sex,
Speaker 2: just you know, don't get an STI and don't get pregnant. Well, hello,
Speaker 2: what about the pleasure centers of our bodies? Can't even
Speaker 2: talk about pleasure in public school systems, it's literally against
Speaker 2: the rules. Really, eight ten thousand nerve endings. And this
Speaker 2: little spot called the clitterists, Oh my god, And it's
Speaker 2: not just the spot. Now we know there's this whole
Speaker 2: internal structure to the clitterists. And if guys don't know that,
Speaker 2: if they don't have an actual modern roadmap, if they're
Speaker 2: trying to use a roadmap from the nineteen hundreds, good luck.
Speaker 2: In the modern world, life is more complex, women are
Speaker 2: more complex that they're more empowered, Like you got to
Speaker 2: meet their hearts and their minds and their bodies anyway.
Speaker 2: So I just, I just I'm a good teacher school
Speaker 2: of education, become a teacher. I'm good for development, curriculum
Speaker 2: and instruction. So I just said, if I want to
Speaker 2: take a guy from where I was and get them
Speaker 2: to where I'm at, like, what do I need them
Speaker 2: to learn along the way? And it just turned out
Speaker 2: to be five things. Number one is installing some upgrades
Speaker 2: to how we think our beliefs. We got to change
Speaker 2: some of our goddamn perspectives. Grandpa's perspectives don't work in
Speaker 2: twenty twenty one. And then understanding your partner. Guys don't
Speaker 2: really understand women. Women can be confusing. Guys can just
Speaker 2: throw up their hands and say, I'm done. I don't
Speaker 2: fucking know what to do. Then if I do, damned,
Speaker 2: If I don't, let's change that. You can understand women absolutely,
Speaker 2: they're not rocket science. Then after that some sex education
Speaker 2: modern sex education section number three, learn about the internal
Speaker 2: hotspots that we know about inside the female genitalia that
Speaker 2: we didn't know about twenty years ago because male doctors
Speaker 2: never mapped the internal neural structures in female genitals. They
Speaker 2: never did it until twenty years ago. It's brand new information.
Speaker 2: Then after that, number four intimacy tools. How to stoke
Speaker 2: the fire of your relationship. You have to have some
Speaker 2: tools for keeping your relationship hot. I only teach about
Speaker 2: long term relationship success. I don't give a shit about pickups.
Speaker 2: I don't care about dating. No no, no, no, no no
Speaker 2: no no no. If you want long term success hot juicy,
Speaker 2: getting your erotic dreams and bucket list items you know
Speaker 2: achieved in your relationship with somebody long term. That's what
Speaker 2: I teach, but you gotta have tools for that. You
Speaker 2: got to keep it hot because things change, We change,
Speaker 2: we dwindle, our appetites change. And then last thing I
Speaker 2: teach is actual sex technique, which is what all the
Speaker 2: guys want to know. How do I last longer in bed? Well,
Speaker 2: I'll teach you that, but you gott to learn this
Speaker 2: stuff first, otherwise you don't. You don't really have the
Speaker 2: quality and the character to wield these high power tools anyway.
Speaker 2: So that five prong system really takes the guy from
Speaker 2: here to here in like a very short period of time.
Speaker 2: High power, high impact things that you don't have to
Speaker 2: practice for twenty years to master.
Speaker 3: So question for you. A lot of the dysfunction that
Speaker 3: I believe that I see that we experience in relationships
Speaker 3: is a result of often our early childhood trauma. So
Speaker 3: that you know, you described early childhood traumas like so
Speaker 3: much like that and like taking off the table genetic, historical,
Speaker 3: like just getting rid of all the other types of trauma,
Speaker 3: just our childhood trauma, just you know, growing up in
Speaker 3: a home of domestic violence, suffering through a divorce, poverty,
Speaker 3: as many of the issues that plague us as you know,
Speaker 3: little children, infant male circumcision, massive trauma. So how does
Speaker 3: your system account for that in terms of relationship dynamics,
Speaker 3: Because very often when we're having these screaming, matching and
Speaker 3: yelling fights, it's just our traumas rubbing up against each
Speaker 3: other and us in our fight or flight response. So
Speaker 3: do you address that in your system or how do
Speaker 3: you address that in your system? If you do?
Speaker 2: Okay, number one, I'm not a therapist. I'm a counselor,
Speaker 2: I'm a coach. I'm a teacher, but I and go
Speaker 2: through to get my master's degree in this. So if
Speaker 2: there's a level of dysfunction or abuse or trauma that's
Speaker 2: happening in your world, like you need help. Okay, this
Speaker 2: is a self help book, that's all. This is all right.
Speaker 2: This is awesome for people that aren't experiencing abuse in
Speaker 2: trauma right now. But I would say the majority of
Speaker 2: us have, or all of us have, in this human
Speaker 2: experience human existence, experienced some sort of trauma in our upbringings. Right,
Speaker 2: So we're all these kind of like broken people interfacing
Speaker 2: with all these other broken people, or it's all all
Speaker 2: of these little children interfacing with all these other little children.
Speaker 2: How do we address that? So my system is not complicated.
Speaker 2: It's about learning communication tools to be able to get
Speaker 2: difficult truths out there in the best way possible. Now,
Speaker 2: what I mean by that is in a way that
Speaker 2: has the highest likelihood of it going well. We increase
Speaker 2: our chances of success by learning how to give a
Speaker 2: handle to hold on too. We preface, we set the frame,
Speaker 2: We do our own internal work of understanding what's really
Speaker 2: going on inside of us, and then we can communicate
Speaker 2: that reality in such a way that it hopefully won't
Speaker 2: trigger them to run away or have a temper tantrum
Speaker 2: or break up with us or something like that. And
Speaker 2: also to tease out of our partner their truth what's
Speaker 2: going on in them, because a lot of guys the
Speaker 2: last woman, what do you want? And she goes, I
Speaker 2: don't know. Maybe she's never been asked in her life.
Speaker 2: Maybe like she's been so drowned out by her mom
Speaker 2: and her pop, like just do what you're told, don't
Speaker 2: have your own opinion, Just do the damn chores, like
Speaker 2: be a good student, like be a nice girl, like
Speaker 2: all that crap that maybe she's never had a space
Speaker 2: to or never had anybody empower her voice and her
Speaker 2: choice in her life. So it's a tremendous opportunity in
Speaker 2: relationship where you can't empower your partner for that sense
Speaker 2: of opening up and blossoming, maybe for the first in
Speaker 2: their entire lives. Anyway, it's about these communication tools that
Speaker 2: we should be taught in grade school.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely correct. Communication is the is the
Speaker 3: foundation of cultivating a container of trust and safety in
Speaker 3: a relationship. And doesn't matter like how good your sex
Speaker 3: skills are. If we if I, as a cis gender woman,
Speaker 3: do not feel safe in your presence, I'm not going
Speaker 3: to be able to relax fully into my bliss, fully
Speaker 3: into my orgasm. So setting the stage, setting the groundwork
Speaker 3: for having healthy, constructive communication. And then also what I'm
Speaker 3: hearing is like, you're not really your focus in your
Speaker 3: work isn't really on like you know, short term relationships
Speaker 3: and dating. Your your focus in your work is relationship sustainability.
Speaker 3: And I would say that that's that's kind of that's
Speaker 3: a unique perspective in this field. There's a lot of
Speaker 3: conversation about polyamory, there's a lot of conversation about dating.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of conversations about you know, different sexual orientations,
Speaker 3: but this whole like monogamous cis head or sis sis
Speaker 3: heterosexual wife relationship, having healthy relationships in that demographic that
Speaker 3: very very often gets overlooked. And yet it is a
Speaker 3: demographic that that, like, you know, if we aren't I
Speaker 3: if if all of us as humans are not in healthy,
Speaker 3: supportive relationships, then that wound and that poison is going
Speaker 3: to influence our society at large. So I just want
Speaker 3: to praise and support your courage.
Speaker 2: Well, thank you, you know, but I do want to
Speaker 2: you've in this flag. Yeah, look at me going traditional here,
Speaker 2: long term relationship because there's a lot of wine, I
Speaker 2: don't know.
Speaker 3: A lot of shade that.
Speaker 2: Do we want to grow all alone?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 2: Yes, you know, we age, we change. I think that
Speaker 2: we want to. I think most people want to have
Speaker 2: their current desires fulfilled and want to have a pathway
Speaker 2: towards getting their future desires fulfilled. All so, and I
Speaker 2: don't think that's swimming in the waters, have single them forever.
Speaker 2: For most people, that gets immediate sexual satisfaction and variety
Speaker 2: needs met. Absolutely, But well you can have that, that's fine,
Speaker 2: But if you want long term relationship with a person,
Speaker 2: You got to invest in that person. That means learning
Speaker 2: how to dance with that person. And I just want
Speaker 2: to take issue with one thing. Like you mentioned, you
Speaker 2: know that I'm white and I teach white people. Well
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't think that I teach white people.
Speaker 2: I'm talking to the core of humanity. You know, I
Speaker 2: don't care what your religious background is, or what community
Speaker 2: you were brought up in, or this tone of your
Speaker 2: skin color. These pain is universal, like relationships are universal.
Speaker 2: We're born into this world and we die, and we
Speaker 2: have relationships along the way. We want to touch and
Speaker 2: be touched for social organisms. So you know, I feel
Speaker 2: and I may have blind spots, And if you see
Speaker 2: I have a blind spot, I'm welcome to hear it,
Speaker 2: Like call me out, It's okay. But I think these
Speaker 2: are universal truths anyway. So if we can heal our
Speaker 2: ability to relate with one person, that revolutionizes the whole planet,
Speaker 2: that revolutionizes our local community, all the layers that are
Speaker 2: from our relationship with ourselves, to our close inner circle,
Speaker 2: to our family, to our community, to the state that
Speaker 2: we live, into the country, to the world at large.
Speaker 2: Like all these layers become affected.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and that is why the healing of our intimate
Speaker 3: relationships is so such a focal point and has actually
Speaker 3: been a focal point in some Eastern traditions as well.
Speaker 3: And in terms of I want to hear and support
Speaker 3: that your message is for humanity and what my orientation
Speaker 3: is as a person of color, there are certain stressors
Speaker 3: and traumas that are specific to being black in America
Speaker 3: that you will not be able to relate to at all. Ever,
Speaker 3: and there are certain causes and conditions in place, certain as,
Speaker 3: certain things that I'm going to have to work on
Speaker 3: and heal. So when you say, like, you know, women,
Speaker 3: you know this is the way women are. Well, as
Speaker 3: a black woman, my experience of life is very very
Speaker 3: different than a white, middle class heterosexual woman growing up
Speaker 3: in Iowa, so to speak. My experience is very very different,
Speaker 3: and my experience is impacted and affected by my genetics
Speaker 3: and by my skin color and by my appearance. So
Speaker 3: when I say, you know, referring to you speaking to
Speaker 3: you know cis white men. Yes, of course your message
Speaker 3: is universal, but there's specific things that occur in the
Speaker 3: dynamics of white people that are different than in the
Speaker 3: dynamics of black people. And this is very, very salient.
Speaker 3: I'm in an interracial relationship. My husband's white, so there's
Speaker 3: stuff that comes up for me in ways of expressing
Speaker 3: myself that for him he absorbs in a different way.
Speaker 3: And there's things about his orientation and his view that
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm black, I don't think that way. That's no,
Speaker 3: it's not even on my radar. So I think that
Speaker 3: we I always want to account for the fact that
Speaker 3: when we're talking about universal humans, we're also talking about
Speaker 3: individuated and individual and unique experiences that, unfortunately today are
Speaker 3: based on race. That is a fact that it's an
Speaker 3: inescapable fact. I can escape it as a person of color,
Speaker 3: and we can escape it as a society.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, I completely agree with you. We could say
Speaker 2: that I believe me Christopher's Lovestone. I believe that these
Speaker 2: are universal truths from my limited perspectives.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: My perspective is what I've grown up, what I've seen,
Speaker 2: what I've lived in, and what I've experienced, and I'm
Speaker 2: just going to acknowledge it. Yeah, I've donn have blind spots.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna have programming that I don't know about now.
Speaker 2: I make a practice to try to find my blind spots.
Speaker 2: I try to find common ground. But still, yeah, what
Speaker 2: do we do anyway? I think you've got good resource
Speaker 2: there for putting a book out, Davy. You know about
Speaker 2: crossing the cultural barrier in your own intimate, long term relationship,
Speaker 2: you know, there's not much there on that. How do
Speaker 2: you keep it hot and amazing and engaged when you're
Speaker 2: an evolving human being and there's cultural differences to thought patterns,
Speaker 2: of communication patterns and stuff like that. That is rich soil, Yeah,
Speaker 2: it really is.
Speaker 3: And so circling back to your work. So the foundation
Speaker 3: of what you do is it sounds like the foundation,
Speaker 3: or at least this building block, is really on communication,
Speaker 3: which is a skill that we are not taught. I
Speaker 3: practice non violent communication, and I was horrified when I
Speaker 3: first started. It's like, how do we not know this?
Speaker 3: How are we not given these skills growing up? Then
Speaker 3: the second piece is understanding women? So what does that
Speaker 3: mean in terms of the work that you do? How
Speaker 3: do you help men understand women?
Speaker 2: Well, there's a lot of things that I talk about there.
Speaker 2: It's a whole section of the book. Let me just
Speaker 2: look at it really quickly. There's a thing that I've
Speaker 2: identified number one here, understanding her point of view, that
Speaker 2: guys tend to believe that their point of view is
Speaker 2: more valid than hers. Yes see, I call that universal. Yes, okay,
Speaker 2: And that's I gender it. I said, I think men
Speaker 2: have that point of view about women. I think that
Speaker 2: he thinks he's more logical, he's got things figured out.
Speaker 2: She's less ration, she's irrational, and he doesn't believe that
Speaker 2: her point of view is as valid. And I'm like, no,
Speaker 2: we got to take issue with that shit. Her point
Speaker 2: of view is just as damn valid as yours. She
Speaker 2: has her own path of experience in her life, she's
Speaker 2: gone through her own evolution, and she handles things differently
Speaker 2: than you do. It is not less valid. So if
Speaker 2: you if guys can downshift that program that they've got
Speaker 2: running in their heads and actually listen to the reality
Speaker 2: of what she's saying and try to imagine it from
Speaker 2: her experience of her life, he's probably going to get enriched. Now,
Speaker 2: he still might have his point of view and still
Speaker 2: believe it. Yes, understanding being able to see something from
Speaker 2: her point of view enriches us that it makes us
Speaker 2: less unilateral, Yeah, more capacious. We have more capacity, more
Speaker 2: tools in our toolkit. It expands the way we can
Speaker 2: see things, which is much better than just thinking we're right.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And so that that right there is so deep
Speaker 3: to me what you just said about that there is
Speaker 3: a a it's a culturally conditioned underlying belief that because
Speaker 3: you have a penis your viewpoint and your orientation to
Speaker 3: life is more valid than mine. And that isn't undercurrent
Speaker 3: to almost every interaction between heterosexual men and women. That
Speaker 3: is so fucking profound right there, Like.
Speaker 2: That, let's put the crosshairs and blast that shit to smithereens,
Speaker 2: let's destroy that, name it, and then once it's named,
Speaker 2: you can't hide from it anymore.
Speaker 3: But like, so that's the thing though, because that operates
Speaker 3: in very very subtle ways. So what do we do
Speaker 3: as women, you know, when we're in interactions with men
Speaker 3: and we can see that ship, we can see that like, oh, okay,
Speaker 3: you just think that your view is better than my view?
Speaker 3: What do we do in that moment? Because very often,
Speaker 3: you know, if you already think that your view is
Speaker 3: better than my view, and if I point that out
Speaker 3: to you, you're gonna dismiss me.
Speaker 2: Yep I don't have a cure for a jerk. Okay,
Speaker 2: I don't like if no, no, if there's an arrogant bastard,
Speaker 2: I can't work with that person. They're a closed wall.
Speaker 2: So I just want to acknowledge that that exists in
Speaker 2: the world. And if you're taught, if the person you're
Speaker 2: talking to is an arrogant jerk, I don't see any
Speaker 2: hope for that. So I just I just call it
Speaker 2: straight and say that there's no crack to let light in.
Speaker 2: You know, if you know. But if we can teach
Speaker 2: the skills of shifting to curiosity as our de facto
Speaker 2: mode of being rather than I know everything. No, no, no,
Speaker 2: let's shift into curiosity. That is the cure for chauvinism
Speaker 2: right there. That is the cure for machismo. It's like, no,
Speaker 2: I don't know it all. I don't know how to
Speaker 2: make you come. I don't know how to please you
Speaker 2: the best. Like, no, you're an evolving creature. You're different
Speaker 2: today than you were yesterday. Like, let me shift into curiosity,
Speaker 2: acknowledge that I'm not the best in the world and
Speaker 2: not need that to be my ego identity, that I'm
Speaker 2: the fucking man, right and shift into curiosity. How are
Speaker 2: things now? What can I learn? How can I sharpen
Speaker 2: my tools and add more amazing tools to my toolkit?
Speaker 2: And the thing is if you practice that, then over
Speaker 2: time you become masterful. You're not the jerk whomphinks he
Speaker 2: knows the best way but actually only has a couple
Speaker 2: of dull tools in his toolkit. No, you're the master
Speaker 2: who has hundreds of sharp tools and is able to
Speaker 2: choose which one he wants to wield in any moment.
Speaker 2: That is relationship mastery. And that's what I'm trying to
Speaker 2: get people to move towards. Is course correcting, to move
Speaker 2: towards relationship mastery.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I'm hearing as you're speaking. I'm hearing and
Speaker 3: sensing like a de armoring and a softening. So there's
Speaker 3: so much in the society that teaches men cis gender
Speaker 3: men that they have to be the certain way. They
Speaker 3: have to be strong and powerful, and they have to
Speaker 3: know everything and they have to handle and you know,
Speaker 3: in my work, I talk about something called the Walt
Speaker 3: Disney syndrome, which is kind of the opposite of that
Speaker 3: for sis gender women, which is like, oh, we just
Speaker 3: have to lay there and he's going to kiss us,
Speaker 3: and he's going to know exactly how to touch us. But
Speaker 3: the guys know that story. The guys show up and
Speaker 3: they're like, Okay, I'm supposed to know how to touch
Speaker 3: her and kiss her, and I'm not supposed to ask
Speaker 3: any questions. So it sets up this dynamic of failure
Speaker 3: and dissatisfaction for everybody. So what I'm hearing from you
Speaker 3: is accepting that as a man, that it's healthy masculinity
Speaker 3: to accept that we don't know, you don't know, and
Speaker 3: also to this attitude of curiosity as opposed to having
Speaker 3: to have it all under control. A curiosity and exploration.
Speaker 3: Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, absolutely. Now I do want to make a
Speaker 2: point that I'm not saying not to be strong and powerful. No,
Speaker 2: I am absolutely encouraging men to foster curiosity and then
Speaker 2: bring the power to bear with accurate information. Don't like
Speaker 2: have my blinders on thinking you're some way that you're
Speaker 2: actually not and then try to be powerful. Then be
Speaker 2: strong and powerful from that point. No, no, no, actually
Speaker 2: connect to the reality of where you are and be
Speaker 2: strong and powerful in that presence. That's amazing. Like, Okay,
Speaker 2: in my experience in heterosexual relationships with all the people
Speaker 2: that I've talked with and worked with over the years.
Speaker 2: Like when a woman feels this is another thing I
Speaker 2: talk about, an understanding woman. When a woman feels like
Speaker 2: he really understands the totality of her, the storms, the
Speaker 2: sunny days, like the complete spectrum of her. When she
Speaker 2: feels like he accepts her body in its entirety, in
Speaker 2: the reality of it, and this includes her period if
Speaker 2: she's premenopausal, before menopause and not having a period afterwards,
Speaker 2: and the change in hormones that occurs. If she really
Speaker 2: feels like he accepts all of her and loves her,
Speaker 2: there's a deep relaxation. Yes, what we're talking about is
Speaker 2: what you talked about earlier in the episode, is building trust.
Speaker 2: If we focus all these tools are about building trust,
Speaker 2: real trust, a landscape of safety, a playground that you're
Speaker 2: safe to play in. And then we dearmour naturally because
Speaker 2: the person knows who we are, loves us, gets us,
Speaker 2: and we're not having to pretend that we're something other
Speaker 2: than we are in order to get that person's love, attention,
Speaker 2: or affection or whatever you know we need. We have
Speaker 2: a relationship of two real people. Then, So strength in
Speaker 2: reality is amazing strength when you're an actor playing a part,
Speaker 2: that's kind of bullshit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it's a difference between healthy strength, right, and
Speaker 3: and and the and the uh, the goic. I can
Speaker 3: think of the exact term, but there's a term in
Speaker 3: human developmental trauma that's like it's basically an a go
Speaker 3: at coping mechanism. I have a wound that I'm not
Speaker 3: worthy enough, so therefore I have to project arrogance and
Speaker 3: worthiness all over the as opposed to being in touch
Speaker 3: with that wound and feel and healing the wound and
Speaker 3: then emanating with true confidence and true worthiness as opposed
Speaker 3: to this this armoring that we're describing. So, yeah, beautiful.
Speaker 3: So I hear that it's not about It's not like
Speaker 3: you're encouraging men to be weak. You're encouraging men to
Speaker 3: be healthy, to have a healthy, rooted sense of self
Speaker 3: and be strong in a way that is empathic and
Speaker 3: connected at the same time.
Speaker 2: Well, that's a great way to say it. I'm going
Speaker 2: to quote you on that. That's awesome. I would never
Speaker 2: say it that way. It's wonderful to have a fresh perspective,
Speaker 2: you know, I would say that, you know, I am
Speaker 2: empowering guys to actually connect to the reality of the
Speaker 2: woman that he's in relationship with, not with who he
Speaker 2: wants to be in relationship with, or who he thinks
Speaker 2: he's in relationship, but actually getting into the day to
Speaker 2: day reality of who he's with, her shifting tides, her
Speaker 2: changing propensities. We don't want what we wanted five years ago,
Speaker 2: or ten years ago or twenty years ago. We evolved
Speaker 2: and we changed. We all do. Guys tend to think, oh,
Speaker 2: we're just we're men, we're guys, We're always the same.
Speaker 2: That's not true. We start out, we don't have much testosterone. Thirteen,
Speaker 2: it hits Bam, It's a fucking rocket ship ride for
Speaker 2: the next ten to fifteen years. Hang on for the
Speaker 2: rocket ship ride. Good luck now that I'm in. When
Speaker 2: I came to my thirties, I felt the testosterone dwindling
Speaker 2: and I go, oh my god, Wow, I can kind
Speaker 2: of feel like I'm kind of control of myself again.
Speaker 2: And now that I've gone into my forties, I'm like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, wow, I'm reaching mastery over this biochemical substance,
Speaker 2: balancing it in my system, and it's going to dwindle
Speaker 2: as I get into my sixties, seventies, eighties, Right, I'm
Speaker 2: not going to be the same person. And that has
Speaker 2: a biochemical hormonal component that we need to recognize that
Speaker 2: it happens for anybody of any gender. We have hormones
Speaker 2: and they change. We're not going to be the same anyway.
Speaker 2: The skill at being able to connect to the reality
Speaker 2: the present moment is a skill of improvisation. Yeah, it's
Speaker 2: a skill of being a good dance partner. Now, if
Speaker 2: you just like get you're engaged with somebody, then you
Speaker 2: get married and you stop being engaged. Think about engagement
Speaker 2: being like active, free flowing, bi directional flow of energy.
Speaker 2: Think of engagement like that. Most people get married and
Speaker 2: they stop being engaged. Yeah, exactly, And they want their
Speaker 2: person to their partner to stay the same for the
Speaker 2: rest of their life. Well they're not. They have to evolve,
Speaker 2: They have to invert day. One day you might think
Speaker 2: the opposite of something that you thought before. You might flip.
Speaker 2: We have to have the ability to handle those changes,
Speaker 2: otherwise we're destined for failure or hurt or dissatisfaction, apathy, depression,
Speaker 2: take your pick.
Speaker 3: I love I love that concept of relationship being like
Speaker 3: an improvisational dance. And so what's arising for me is
Speaker 3: I'm hearing you describe this unconditional love quite frankly unconditional acceptance.
Speaker 3: Not that there won't be, you know, whatever, turbulence, but
Speaker 3: it's just like having extending this space of just love.
Speaker 3: And I get this sense of like, you know, your
Speaker 3: arms wide open and just allowing her to dance kind
Speaker 3: of in the space, you know, in front of you
Speaker 3: kind of thing. So I would imagine that providing this
Speaker 3: container of safe space and trust and love and acceptance
Speaker 3: is going to do many things for her sex life,
Speaker 3: so and your sex life together. So what is that
Speaker 3: the natural next step that you've seen is that when
Speaker 3: men can provide this container of safety and trust and support,
Speaker 3: that her vagina lights up, that she wants to have
Speaker 3: more sex, that the sex life becomes more intimate and
Speaker 3: more amazing, with more depth and more nuance.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, Yes, but I need to say I
Speaker 2: do not teach guys to be a doormat, no fucking way,
Speaker 2: absolutely not. Like, yes, I teach how to foster and
Speaker 2: create a safe space for beautiful things to unfold in
Speaker 2: our relationship and our intimacy in our rock edges and
Speaker 2: our sex life, et cetera. But I absolutely teach if
Speaker 2: there's something that's real for you, a limit, a boundary,
Speaker 2: that a behavior of hers that is fucking unacceptable and
Speaker 2: you're not going to stand for that shit like the
Speaker 2: ability to communicate that but not be a jerk while
Speaker 2: you're doing it. Yeah, right, And that gives her when
Speaker 2: she has a firm fit. When a human being has
Speaker 2: a firm wall to bounce off of, they know where
Speaker 2: it stands, that it showed that that can create relaxation
Speaker 2: because we know where you are, how many people, how
Speaker 2: many women, Or a relationship with a guy and he's
Speaker 2: just like always going along with everything. He's just wishy, washy,
Speaker 2: limp rag. There's a sense of like baiting him and
Speaker 2: trying to trigger a fight that happens a lot in couples,
Speaker 2: and she's just trying to get some reaction out of him,
Speaker 2: you know, until he finally blows up and there's a
Speaker 2: big fight, and then she knows where he is, she
Speaker 2: can feel him. So I'm teaching be a good dance partner.
Speaker 2: Let her feel your weight, feel her weight, and then
Speaker 2: find the delicious flow in the middle there. Then co
Speaker 2: create your relationship there. But yeah, you create that safe
Speaker 2: space and show let her know where you stand. Don't
Speaker 2: be wishy washy, don't be a dorm at, but don't
Speaker 2: be a jerk. Like it's that sweet spot in the
Speaker 2: middle there. Then yeah, if she feels like you really
Speaker 2: get her and she can trust you, you might be
Speaker 2: the first person in her life that she's ever felt
Speaker 2: like that. With that naturally creates an opening of the heart,
Speaker 2: and our bodies follow. The desire to have a hug
Speaker 2: when you see somebody that you love is a natural
Speaker 2: is an example, a simple example of this. You see
Speaker 2: somebody like, oh, you want touch them, You want to
Speaker 2: hug them, you want to whatever it is. You know,
Speaker 2: the same thing in the bedroom, like if somebody really
Speaker 2: gets you and touches a deep cord in your heart.
Speaker 2: A lot of times our sex comes online and we
Speaker 2: want to share our body and feel them inside of
Speaker 2: us or being inside of them, or whatever it is.
Speaker 2: It becomes a natural expression of our feelings for each other.
Speaker 2: Then oh my god, things that we thought maybe we
Speaker 2: would never do suddenly become possible because we want to
Speaker 2: share so deeply. Organically, it becomes innate desire that blossoms
Speaker 2: in a terrain that maybe we've never had to be
Speaker 2: able to grow anything in before.
Speaker 3: I've heard that's so beautifully described, and I've heard some
Speaker 3: sex educators say that like a female sexual desire is receptive,
Speaker 3: so meaning that it's not necessarily active, like we're going
Speaker 3: to go chase it. Though there have certainly been times
Speaker 3: in my life where but like you know, we're we're
Speaker 3: generalizing here, but but but but that we were. It's responsive,
Speaker 3: We're responding to the energy that's being presented. And I
Speaker 3: can certainly say now in my life that's so very true.
Speaker 3: Is that that that the key to having this active, alive,
Speaker 3: like juicy, passionate sexual connection is how deeply connected I
Speaker 3: feel to my partner. It isn't about positions, it's not
Speaker 3: about the greatest new sex toil like all that can
Speaker 3: be fun and games, but the actual desire for union
Speaker 3: stems from how safely I am held in his heart.
Speaker 3: And I see that. You know, in my work, I
Speaker 3: work with couples you know, all around the world, and
Speaker 3: you know tantra this, that and the other, and the
Speaker 3: key thing that so many of us are all looking
Speaker 3: for because it's something that hasn't been taught, is how
Speaker 3: do we connect? Because it's that connection that is the
Speaker 3: flash point for all of that epic sex and extraordinary
Speaker 3: love and all of that, you know, all the shit
Speaker 3: that they talk about in Cosmo. The key point for
Speaker 3: that is the connection. With no connection, there's no fucking
Speaker 3: orgasmic enlightenment. So I love, I love, I love that
Speaker 3: this formula is really about establishing and building and enhancing
Speaker 3: and deepening that connection before we even get into the
Speaker 3: sex skills. But because we're here, let's talk about sex.
Speaker 3: So tell me about modern sex education and the abysmal
Speaker 3: shit we've been dealing with until then.
Speaker 2: Oh god, thank you. Okay. A lot of guys don't
Speaker 2: know about their erogena zones. A lot of guys don't
Speaker 2: know about their fucking plumbing a lot. You know, they
Speaker 2: think they know it because they've watched porn and they've
Speaker 2: touched their cock their entire lives since they were toddlers
Speaker 2: or babies, you know, but they have they actually taking
Speaker 2: a class on it. Like, can you actually be a
Speaker 2: master at welding if you never took a class on welding?
Speaker 2: Just to say it or pick your thing if you
Speaker 2: want to learn French, like, how can you know anyway?
Speaker 2: You got to study the shit, You have to actually
Speaker 2: study it. It's more, it's more of this perspective that
Speaker 2: I know everything I need to know. There's nothing I
Speaker 2: don't already be. I'm not already a master of. If
Speaker 2: we can shift out of that into curiosity, great, let's
Speaker 2: learn about our plumbing. There's some amazing erogenous hotspots on
Speaker 2: our cock and our balls and our body that we
Speaker 2: might not know about. So learn your toolkit number one,
Speaker 2: and then learn her toolkit. Like, it's not just this
Speaker 2: little nub of the clit, and it ain't what you
Speaker 2: see in porn. It's not the fucking pile driver. That's
Speaker 2: not what stimulates the erectile tissue hot spots inside of
Speaker 2: her plumbing. The best way, it's just not. There are
Speaker 2: certain times in her like arousal. I'm gonna call it
Speaker 2: a cycle in the evolution of her arousal, where a
Speaker 2: really deep dicking, let's say it that way, a really
Speaker 2: deep fucking feels amazing. Yeah yeah, but not always that
Speaker 2: is a certain phase or time frame or part, let's
Speaker 2: just say part of her arousal evolution. During any let's
Speaker 2: say sex night or something like that. But there's other
Speaker 2: times where it doesn't feel good. Her cervix might be low,
Speaker 2: you might be banging into her cervix. And if any
Speaker 2: guy has had a proctologist sick, his finger up is
Speaker 2: asked to test the size and softness or hardness level
Speaker 2: of your prostate. That guy's gonna know what it feels
Speaker 2: like afterwards. And it doesn't feel good. And I tell guys, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's probably like that. I don't know. I've never had
Speaker 2: a cervix, but I can imagine because there's similar deep
Speaker 2: internal structures that are both sensitive. Imagine getting your fucking
Speaker 2: prostate rammed repeatedly by a rod. Oh, I just want
Speaker 2: to like curl over and kind of protect myself from
Speaker 2: guard anyway. So understanding what happens biologically and physiologically inside
Speaker 2: of the female genitalia, let me just be medical for
Speaker 2: a moment, Like empowers us to work with what's natural
Speaker 2: and bylogical in ways that create more pleasure and less pain. Right,
Speaker 2: they create more opening. Like if you go to a
Speaker 2: massage therapist who studied massage therapy for five minutes, the
Speaker 2: quality of the massage is going to suck. If you
Speaker 2: go to a massage therapist who's gone to a two
Speaker 2: thousand hour training program and has been practicing for ten
Speaker 2: or fifteen years, the quality of touch is going to
Speaker 2: be amazing because they listen to your tissue. They let
Speaker 2: your tissue guide them rather than them driving. And there's
Speaker 2: masculine like, I know what to do, I'm the expert
Speaker 2: kind of way. No, so, guys, as we learn the
Speaker 2: internal structure of the G spot that it's not actually
Speaker 2: a spot, it's actually a tube. It's a sleeve around
Speaker 2: a tube, kind of like a penis is a sleeve
Speaker 2: around a tube. We got the urethral tube and the
Speaker 2: cock is a penis is a sleeve around it. It's
Speaker 2: the similar kind of thing. It's a maybe inch or
Speaker 2: too long tube sleeve inside the vagina on the anterior side,
Speaker 2: the front side, close to the belly button, and you
Speaker 2: can massage the whole length of it with two fingers.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's way better than just one finger
Speaker 2: up there bouncing. Yeah, okay, And it leads back towards
Speaker 2: the front side of the cervix and there's the spot
Speaker 2: on the front side of the service called the A
Speaker 2: spot or the af E. The anterior four nex or
Speaker 2: rogena zone if you want to get medical again, and
Speaker 2: that spot is known to often produce rapid, abundant lubrication
Speaker 2: even if the woman's not physiologically aroused yet. So if
Speaker 2: you're like perimenopausal or menopozzal and you're having troubles with lubrication,
Speaker 2: it's good to know about that spot, right. And then
Speaker 2: there's another one that's between the vagina and the anus
Speaker 2: on the backside, but it's inside the vagina and you
Speaker 2: access it from inside. And there's one on a deep,
Speaker 2: deep past the service, which is the one that loves
Speaker 2: getting pounded in doggy style when she's fully fully aroused
Speaker 2: and her cervix pulls up to get out of the
Speaker 2: way so the cock can really get all the way
Speaker 2: in there. There's so much to learn. If you don't
Speaker 2: know the road map, you're shooting in the dark.
Speaker 3: Exactly exactly, and you can't cultivate any type of mastery
Speaker 3: if you don't know the machine machenery that you're working with.
Speaker 3: And so what I'm hearing is this formula that you've developed.
Speaker 3: These five pieces kind of work like they work from
Speaker 3: the outside and then move more deeply into union move
Speaker 3: more deeply into intimacy. And so by creating this container
Speaker 3: and this attitude of curiosity and exploration, then when you
Speaker 3: move into the sexuality, it isn't this huge pressure like
Speaker 3: I have to know everything. You can actually explore and
Speaker 3: stop and ask questions and check in, and it can
Speaker 3: be this like dynamic, fluid dance and play as opposed
Speaker 3: to this project where you have to make her come.
Speaker 2: A lot of guys, I identify that a lot of
Speaker 2: guys get their ego identity defined by whether or not
Speaker 2: they can make her come, which is why women take.
Speaker 3: It I'm the man because I'm gonna make her.
Speaker 2: Come, like I can make her come. Well, she might
Speaker 2: be faking it, dude, you don't know the thing you
Speaker 2: don't know. But she can't really fake her lubrication. She
Speaker 2: can't really fake panting and telling, oh my fucking god.
Speaker 2: She can't fake her heart rate being up through the
Speaker 2: ceiling and here just like grinding the hell off on you.
Speaker 2: She can't. She's not faking that stuff. Yeah anyway, So
Speaker 2: it's part of this also is like learning these sexual skills.
Speaker 2: Mastering these sexual skills after you've mastered the relationship skills
Speaker 2: and the communication skills allows you to anchor all that
Speaker 2: sexual pleasure back into the foundation of your relationship. And
Speaker 2: you imagine you tuck point the foundation of your relationship.
Speaker 2: You build these little spots that are leaking it, you
Speaker 2: fill them in. You build this huge, strong foundation that
Speaker 2: can handle tsunamis and hurricanes and earthquakes and stuff like
Speaker 2: that until eventually it's unshakable. And then you're like, oh
Speaker 2: my god. And imagine having a partner who's engaged with
Speaker 2: your sexual evolution and long term you get to bring
Speaker 2: out I don't know, I'm changing. This thing's interesting to
Speaker 2: me now. That thing's interesting to me now. It's to
Speaker 2: have an engaged partner who loves you and wants to
Speaker 2: give you pleasure for your life. That is a huge blessing.
Speaker 2: Sex can be so fulfilling. It can fill our creativity.
Speaker 2: It can reset us when we're stressed out the world,
Speaker 2: possible war, pandemic, whatever you might be wordb economy, collapsing
Speaker 2: all this shit in the world, like all these stresses
Speaker 2: at school, I mean, masks, like the vaccines and all
Speaker 2: this stuff. It can really make us frantic, right, But
Speaker 2: a single person who can touch your core and ground
Speaker 2: you and as you said, orgasmic bliss has the power
Speaker 2: to bring you back to your body and make everything okay,
Speaker 2: and to have that in your home or like in
Speaker 2: your life. Let me just say it that way. Oh
Speaker 2: my god, that's kind of what everybody wants. They want
Speaker 2: that touchstone in their lives. So there is a way
Speaker 2: to get there. There is a way to learn the
Speaker 2: skills necessary to be able to deserve that and be
Speaker 2: able to keep it. Like it's one thing to win
Speaker 2: the cast, like imagine medieval warfare. It's one thing to
Speaker 2: win the battle, to win the castle, but it's another
Speaker 2: thing to have the skills to keep that castle. Amen
Speaker 2: long term, you might win her heart, you might fuck
Speaker 2: her really good, but can you keep her interested and
Speaker 2: open to you for twenty years, forty years? Can you
Speaker 2: keep the castle? That's what I'm talking about here.
Speaker 3: Wow, I love it. Can you keep the castle? So
Speaker 3: what have you seen? What are some of the results
Speaker 3: that you've seen client stories in when men take this
Speaker 3: on and do these five steps and practice them. What
Speaker 3: are some of the things you've seen?
Speaker 2: Well, the most common thing sexually is moving from a
Speaker 2: place of feeling out of control to a place of
Speaker 2: feeling like God Wow, feeling God, feeling God fill him,
Speaker 2: which is different, totally different to feeling like his capacity
Speaker 2: to give sexual pleasure in it a tuned way is infinite. Wow, infinite. Well,
Speaker 2: and they're not worried about coming anymore. If you come,
Speaker 2: it's great. You keep going anyway, maybe not with your cock,
Speaker 2: but maybe with your cock. I'll just say, like, I've
Speaker 2: been practicing this stuff for my whole life, and now
Speaker 2: I can have an orgasm and I don't have to
Speaker 2: wait through a refractory period, which is usually like five
Speaker 2: minutes to half an hour for a guy, whereas Penis
Speaker 2: goes limp before he can have intercourse. Again, I just
Speaker 2: keep going, like I give me a moment thirty seconds
Speaker 2: to breathe, because oh my god, that was fucking amazing,
Speaker 2: Like I want to just experience it for a moment.
Speaker 2: Then let's keep going like the Then the feeling of
Speaker 2: confidence that I experience because of my real world ability
Speaker 2: to please my partner and not diminish or wilt or fade,
Speaker 2: it is absolutely life impacting, like it impacks everything about
Speaker 2: It's authentic confidence exactly. It's not just confidence because you
Speaker 2: know I had a great one night stand or some
Speaker 2: other thing like I've got a big dix, therefore I'm
Speaker 2: confident or something like that. No, it's just confidence because
Speaker 2: I really tap into this infinite power. So sexually, that's
Speaker 2: the thing that the guys tell me about, and they're like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, this is revolutionary. I never knew this exists.
Speaker 2: They never see it. It's not important. It's not in movies.
Speaker 2: You don't see it. If you don't see it, how
Speaker 2: can you can see that it exists. But then from
Speaker 2: like a relationship perspective, the guys they stop being dormats.
Speaker 2: They stop being this kind of wishy, washy guy who's
Speaker 2: trying not to be part of the problem, but also
Speaker 2: can't stand up for what he really wants and feels
Speaker 2: in the relationship. That also is very confidence building, very inspiring,
Speaker 2: and a lot of times that causes the relationship to
Speaker 2: causes them to break up because he realizes he's selling
Speaker 2: himself short. So I don't teach guys that you got
Speaker 2: to make the relationship you're in work. I don't know.
Speaker 2: She might be a dysfunctional bitch, you know, but learn yourself,
Speaker 2: have your own standard, be able to communicate them in
Speaker 2: a loving way without being a jerk. And then try
Speaker 2: to elicit out from her what's hers and then see
Speaker 2: if there's common ground there to really form a juicy sexual,
Speaker 2: long term relationship.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's a really important piece that you bring
Speaker 3: up about the doormat thing. And also you know that
Speaker 3: that's in you know, in the realm of psychological abuse
Speaker 3: and domestic violence and that sort of thing. Is that
Speaker 3: when we're when we're in relationships that tend to not
Speaker 3: have boundaries, and then we decide to start sending boundaries
Speaker 3: that very often that can mean the disintegration of the
Speaker 3: relationship because the person that you're in relationship with doesn't
Speaker 3: actually want a boundaried partner. They want they want someone
Speaker 3: that that that you know what, that that will engage
Speaker 3: with them in the previous way. So I love that
Speaker 3: you brought that that point out. It's very salient and
Speaker 3: just because you're using these methods, that doesn't always mean
Speaker 3: it's going to be a happy ending with that relationship.
Speaker 3: It may mean that that relationship needs to end so
Speaker 3: that you can open yourself up to something that's going
Speaker 3: to be more healthy and constructive. So this has been amazing,
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, Chris. Through many twists and turns
Speaker 3: and up and downs. It was a tough one. But
Speaker 3: your work just sounds really really accessible and very practical
Speaker 3: and very necessary for men in the society to have
Speaker 3: some support in cultivating and developing healthy long term relationships
Speaker 3: rooted in communication. So I love that. So tell us
Speaker 3: more about your book and where people can get a
Speaker 3: hold of it.
Speaker 2: Oh, thank you for asking. This is really just a
Speaker 2: passion project for me. I'm not making any money on this.
Speaker 2: My book is called Conscious Cock, and it literally means dick,
Speaker 2: it means penis, but it also means rooster. And I
Speaker 2: was searched for a long time to try to find
Speaker 2: an archetype for masculinity in the world, and all I
Speaker 2: could come up with is like Captain America and Superman.
Speaker 2: But when I thought about an animal and animal metaphor,
Speaker 2: like the rooster really came out to me. He's powerfully,
Speaker 2: he's got beautifu plumage. You can hear his crow. His
Speaker 2: voice is clear, chansfers from mild anyway. So like there's
Speaker 2: this double entendre there. But I'm censored on a lot
Speaker 2: of search results, Like if you search me on Amazon,
Speaker 2: I won't come up, although my book is available on Amazon,
Speaker 2: I don't come up in search results. So if you
Speaker 2: go to consciouscock dot com my website, you can get
Speaker 2: the book there audiobook or ebook. Audiobooks great because you
Speaker 2: can listen to your headphones and privacy. And then there's
Speaker 2: tons of free downloads, lots of worksheets on how to
Speaker 2: make your sex life better with your partner, conversation starters,
Speaker 2: or make your relationship better, et cetera in the free
Speaker 2: download section. But yeah, just consciouscock dot com. That's the gateway.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I can people find you by jugling Christopher
Speaker 3: Lovestone as well if they want to work with you personally,
Speaker 3: or do you offer coaching one on one workshops, groups,
Speaker 3: that sort of thing.
Speaker 2: You know, COVID's really just redefined the landscape. So I'm
Speaker 2: not doing coaching anymore. I'm just teaching and doing classes
Speaker 2: and interviews like this. But I like to post lots
Speaker 2: of free tips and stuff like that. So for a
Speaker 2: mailing list if they want to et cetera.
Speaker 3: Okay, beautiful, so consciouscock dot com look it up. Make
Speaker 3: sure you have your child blocker off your browser to
Speaker 3: search for that. Thank you so much, Christopher, it's been
Speaker 3: delightful to connect with you. And I wish you much
Speaker 3: much success and for all you listeners out there that
Speaker 3: resonate with his work and want this beautiful I love
Speaker 3: that five. We work with fives as well, that five
Speaker 3: step plan to support you in cultivating a rich, juicy,
Speaker 3: passionate and healthy long term relationship. Please go to conscious
Speaker 3: cock dot com and find out more about it. Make
Speaker 3: sure that you stay tuned and stay connected to sex
Speaker 3: Is Medicine in between shows at Authentic tntra on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
Speaker 3: all those good places, and sign up for all our
Speaker 3: free juicy stuff at Authentic tontra dot com. Also just
Speaker 3: putting it out there that we do have a tentre
Speaker 3: Healing for Black Men program coming up. It's launching November second,
Speaker 3: so you can find out more about that at Tunterhealing
Speaker 3: for Black Men. That is a tuntre healing program designed
Speaker 3: by black people for black men. Specifically, we have Brian
Speaker 3: Craig and Karen Craig as our lead instructors for that
Speaker 3: amazing event. Again Tundra healinglas dot com. I'm a beautiful right,
Speaker 3: We'll see you next week. Every one, Mike, you've been
Speaker 3: listening to Sex's Medicine with Davey Ward ericson your number
Speaker 3: one resource for holistic sex education. You can listen to
Speaker 3: and subscribe to Sex's Medicine on Spotify, Stitcher, tune in, iTunes, iHeartRadio,
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Speaker 3: Tontra as medicine to heal, awaken, and empower every area
Speaker 3: of your life at authentic tontra dot com. Make sure
Speaker 3: to tune in to Sex's Medicine every Thursday at seven
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Speaker 3: watch party every Thursday evening on Facebook at Authentic tntra.
Speaker 3: We look forward to you joining us next week for
Speaker 3: another episode of Sex s His Medicine with Davey Bourne.