WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:05.400 This is Contact Talk Radio dot Com Consciousness in Action, 2 00:00:05.719 --> 00:00:09.439 and you are taking action into your consciousness by tuning 3 00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:11.960 into Contact Talk Radio. 4 00:00:12.039 --> 00:00:14.519 And on tune in dot com, being Don FM and. 5 00:00:14.679 --> 00:00:21.399 UPSNAPMOMAL Contact Talk Radio. Welcome to Sex's Medicine, your number 6 00:00:21.440 --> 00:00:25.559 one resource for holistic sex education. I'm Davey word Ericson, 7 00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:28.079 and I invite you to join me every week for 8 00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:35.560 another enriching and powerful conversation about the intersection of sexuality, spirituality, pleasure, 9 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:40.960 and personal growth. Each episode of Sex's Medicine is dedicated 10 00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:44.439 to awakening your heart and mind to the true purpose 11 00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:49.000 and power of human sexuality. Please join me on this 12 00:00:49.159 --> 00:00:52.719 journey of self discovery as we explore the art of 13 00:00:52.840 --> 00:00:57.960 using pleasure as medicine to awaken, heal, and empower every 14 00:00:58.039 --> 00:01:02.920 area of your life. Sex's Medicine broadcasts every Thursday at 15 00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:07.040 seven pm Pacific on Contact Talk Radio Network. You can 16 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:11.560 listen to the replay and subscribe to Sex's Medicine on Spotify, Stitcher, 17 00:01:11.879 --> 00:01:16.879 tune in, iTunes, iHeartRadio, and YouTube. And now get ready 18 00:01:16.920 --> 00:01:21.359 for another episode of Sex Is Medicine. Hey, everybody, Welcome 19 00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:24.799 to Sex Is Medicine. I am your host, Davey ward 20 00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:28.000 ericson here with you once again for another juicy and 21 00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:34.640 enriching conversation about sexuality, spirituality, pleasure, and personal growth. And 22 00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:36.840 I'm just gonna remind you once again that we are 23 00:01:36.920 --> 00:01:40.200 coming towards the end of October and Little Davy Dooglebug 24 00:01:40.239 --> 00:01:42.280 and Sex's Medicine is taking a break for the winter, 25 00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:46.400 so we're gonna go offline from November December and into 26 00:01:46.439 --> 00:01:48.760 twenty twenty two. We will be back in twenty twenty 27 00:01:48.760 --> 00:01:51.480 two with all kinds of awesome new content for you. 28 00:01:51.519 --> 00:01:53.280 In the meantime, you can catch up on all those 29 00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:58.079 two hundred episodes that you may have messed. Here with 30 00:01:58.120 --> 00:02:03.040 me today is Chris Stefer love Stone, and I made 31 00:02:03.120 --> 00:02:05.879 Christopher work kind of hard to get this interview, one 32 00:02:05.879 --> 00:02:07.840 of our last ones for twenty twenty one. Had some 33 00:02:07.959 --> 00:02:11.080 questions for him about his work, and it is really 34 00:02:11.240 --> 00:02:15.000 powerful and necessary work for all of us to know about. 35 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:19.120 So I'm delighted to share his message with all of us, 36 00:02:19.159 --> 00:02:21.520 all of you and me too. A little bit about 37 00:02:21.599 --> 00:02:24.319 Christopher Lovestone, which is an amazing name, by the way, 38 00:02:24.599 --> 00:02:26.960 Christopher Lovestone. That is lucky if you're going to be 39 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:28.080 a sex educator. 40 00:02:28.159 --> 00:02:28.560 That's time. 41 00:02:29.400 --> 00:02:34.360 That's kind like the name to have. So Christopher Lovestone 42 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:37.800 is described as the Einstein of relationships and he's an 43 00:02:37.960 --> 00:02:40.960 ingenious certified sex educator who is breaking new ground in 44 00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:45.159 sex education for men and couples. After surviving six divorces 45 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:47.759 during his childhood, he went on to rewrite the rules 46 00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:50.560 of the relationship game so that people can actually win. Yes, 47 00:02:50.680 --> 00:02:54.759 thank you. His ingenious and practical approach transforms people's ability 48 00:02:54.800 --> 00:02:57.520 to get what they really want in their long term relationship. 49 00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:00.800 Through study of the art, communication tools, edge sex and 50 00:03:00.840 --> 00:03:04.960 intimacy education, and innovative relational strategies, he empowers people to 51 00:03:05.400 --> 00:03:09.159 exit relationship exhaustion and cultivate the intimacy of their dreams 52 00:03:09.159 --> 00:03:11.800 with their partner. And to help us all in this endeavor, 53 00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:17.560 I know that's pretty who rates your bios and so 54 00:03:17.639 --> 00:03:20.280 support us all with us. He's recently published a new 55 00:03:20.280 --> 00:03:23.439 book called Conscious Cock Again love that title, and we're 56 00:03:23.479 --> 00:03:26.520 going to dive into the explanation of what that book 57 00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:29.000 is about and why and how it can help support 58 00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:32.479 all of us and having healthy, long term, sustainable relationship. 59 00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:35.199 So thank you Christopher Lovestone. 60 00:03:34.599 --> 00:03:38.680 For Amen Way women, Hey God, Hey God, us. That 61 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:41.199 was the most amazing introduction. Thank you, Davey. I'm so 62 00:03:41.240 --> 00:03:43.960 happy to be here. You know, these are uncommon conversations 63 00:03:44.039 --> 00:03:46.439 that we're having. Not for you because you've got two 64 00:03:46.479 --> 00:03:49.960 hundred episodes on a podcast, but for most people, this 65 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:53.080 isn't stuff that we normally talk about. So thank you 66 00:03:53.080 --> 00:03:55.319 for inviting me on the show. Thank you for being 67 00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:57.599 rigorous about seeing whether or not i'd be a good 68 00:03:57.639 --> 00:04:01.879 fit with my message. I really appreciate that. And being 69 00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:04.400 able to discuss this for other people helps them to 70 00:04:04.439 --> 00:04:06.719 be able to discuss it in their lives, right. It 71 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:09.919 normalizes these types of conversations, these types of thoughts and 72 00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:12.360 feelings that we don't see in popular media. 73 00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:15.800 Well yeah, and it's so necessary because these are normal 74 00:04:16.439 --> 00:04:19.160 issues that we all deal with and we're kind of 75 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:21.439 left out, you know, in the wild to try and 76 00:04:21.480 --> 00:04:24.240 figure it out on our own, and you know, perpetuating 77 00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:26.839 trauma and all sorts of stuff. So it's wonderful to 78 00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:30.800 have some guides on our journey of healing and reclamation 79 00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:34.199 of our love and our joy. So where did this 80 00:04:34.439 --> 00:04:38.800 journey begin? For you? You survive six divorces, that's and as 81 00:04:38.839 --> 00:04:42.720 we know from early childhood, trauma, adverse childhood experiences. One 82 00:04:42.759 --> 00:04:45.720 divorce is bad enough, much less six. So how did 83 00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:48.480 all this start for you? Ah? 84 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:54.720 Feminism? My mom, single parent, getting pregnant in college in 85 00:04:54.759 --> 00:04:58.879 the seventies. Didn't want to have an abortion. What was 86 00:04:58.920 --> 00:05:01.519 she going to do? Wanted to have her child. She 87 00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:04.560 lit her up inside just it was her personal thing, like, 88 00:05:04.600 --> 00:05:07.319 oh my god, that she was so clear she's going 89 00:05:07.399 --> 00:05:09.040 to come hell or high water. She was going to 90 00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:11.519 do anything it took to have me and raise me 91 00:05:11.560 --> 00:05:13.839 as safely as possible. But that didn't turn out to 92 00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:19.399 be easy. Vietnam vets were the kind of guys that 93 00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:22.079 she got into relationships with that was the man of 94 00:05:22.120 --> 00:05:26.199 the era back then, and they had so much trauma. Yes, 95 00:05:26.480 --> 00:05:29.759 So anyway, she ended up having one relationship after another 96 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:31.680 and they'd be about three or four years long then 97 00:05:31.720 --> 00:05:35.160 they'd break and usually it was because of cheating, always 98 00:05:35.240 --> 00:05:38.920 was because of abuse and fighting, and I just would 99 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:42.319 see them. I live this, this trauma, the emotional abuse, 100 00:05:42.360 --> 00:05:45.279 the financial abuse, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, and 101 00:05:45.319 --> 00:05:48.560 it was just acid to my heart, Like I just 102 00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:52.079 knew in my soul that there was something better out there. 103 00:05:51.879 --> 00:05:55.759 There's got to be otherwise this world sucks. Screw it. 104 00:05:55.800 --> 00:05:58.720 I don't want to be in this life. I just 105 00:05:58.759 --> 00:06:01.600 saw how people could just have the best desires and 106 00:06:01.639 --> 00:06:06.920 intentions for relationship success, for emotional fulfilling connection, but then 107 00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:09.759 just ships would pass in the night. They'd both be 108 00:06:09.800 --> 00:06:13.399 stuck in their stories and unable to see that there's 109 00:06:13.399 --> 00:06:15.600 some sense in what the other person was saying, some 110 00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:18.399 sense in the other person's perspective. They just couldn't get 111 00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:23.959 me on themselves. So I started escaping by reading science fiction. 112 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:27.000 Wow, hey me too, send my way out. 113 00:06:27.240 --> 00:06:31.000 Ye read my mind, Thank God, because my life was 114 00:06:31.160 --> 00:06:35.240 really kind of a prison, and I started thinking, oh, 115 00:06:35.319 --> 00:06:38.199 maybe there could be other ways, ways that I don't 116 00:06:38.199 --> 00:06:43.040 see around me, Thank the Lord. So as an adult, 117 00:06:43.079 --> 00:06:47.639 I just kind of devoted my life to searching for 118 00:06:47.720 --> 00:06:49.800 this diamond in the rough that I didn't see around me. 119 00:06:50.120 --> 00:06:52.279 It wasn't in popular media, it wasn't in Hollywood. Didn't 120 00:06:52.279 --> 00:06:54.439 see any friends or family, or nobody in my community. 121 00:06:54.839 --> 00:06:58.040 Nobody was doing what I considered a healthy, hot relationship. 122 00:06:58.839 --> 00:07:02.720 It was just all cheating life, eying, betrayal, trauma. But 123 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:07.560 I kept searching. I went to the library at thirteen, 124 00:07:07.680 --> 00:07:10.439 trying to find a book on sex to ask myself 125 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:13.160 the question is masturbation okay? Is this okay? Let me 126 00:07:13.240 --> 00:07:14.800 learn about it? Am I gonna hurt myself if I 127 00:07:14.839 --> 00:07:16.959 do this too much? Like I couldn't find the information. 128 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:22.800 So thirty years later, let's say, you know, I finally 129 00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:28.839 succeeded in my own life at having a system, literally 130 00:07:28.839 --> 00:07:32.160 a system that works in relationship between a man and 131 00:07:32.199 --> 00:07:34.959 a woman. That's what I focus on, is heterosexual relationships. 132 00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:38.360 And then I see all these guys out there that 133 00:07:38.399 --> 00:07:42.399 are struggling. They can't make it work. They're trying, and 134 00:07:42.480 --> 00:07:46.079 they're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Feminism 135 00:07:46.160 --> 00:07:49.040 has emasculated them, put their their dick and their power 136 00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:50.839 in a box and said we don't want that. That's bad. 137 00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:52.399 You're the cause of all the problems in the world. 138 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:54.000 But then at the same time, there's all these women 139 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:56.560 doing self empowerment work. We're saying, I want an empowered 140 00:07:56.560 --> 00:07:59.199 man too. Where's all the guys doing empowerment work? Well, 141 00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:05.000 a empowerment that's almost a dirty word, yeah, mm hmm. Anyway, 142 00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:06.720 so I was like, I got to help these guys. 143 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:09.120 I had to help myself up. It was hard by 144 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:12.680 my bootstrap. Year after a year and I finally figured 145 00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:14.639 out a way. Let me ease it for the next guy, 146 00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:17.720 try on what I'm doing, Try it on for size, 147 00:08:17.720 --> 00:08:19.600 see if it works for you. If it doesn't, fine, 148 00:08:20.360 --> 00:08:23.319 This isn't gospel, but it is a system that does 149 00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:25.800 work for me. It is a roadmap that is functional. 150 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:29.040 So what are some what are some some of the 151 00:08:29.079 --> 00:08:31.480 hallmarks of this roadmap. I don't want you to give your 152 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:33.519 you know, system away for free, because that's what's in 153 00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:35.600 your book, but give us an idea what what this 154 00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:39.000 system is like? How how did it come about? Was 155 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:42.000 it just kind of like trial and error? Or you know, 156 00:08:42.200 --> 00:08:44.240 did you did? You read a lot of self help 157 00:08:44.279 --> 00:08:45.679 books like how did this all occur? 158 00:08:47.039 --> 00:08:51.360 A life of reading books on the topics of intimacy, 159 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:56.320 which is relationship skills, on the topics of communication, how 160 00:08:56.320 --> 00:09:00.080 to actually get your meaning across to another person and 161 00:09:00.120 --> 00:09:02.399 how to elicit their meaning that they're trying to communicate 162 00:09:02.399 --> 00:09:06.639 to you, maybe in broken words, in complete paragraphs, you know. 163 00:09:06.720 --> 00:09:12.759 And then also modern sex head not sex said from 164 00:09:12.759 --> 00:09:14.960 when I was in high school I'm forty seven years old, 165 00:09:15.679 --> 00:09:19.480 which was all about just say no to drugs and sex, 166 00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:22.840 just you know, don't get an STI and don't get pregnant. Well, hello, 167 00:09:22.879 --> 00:09:25.879 what about the pleasure centers of our bodies? Can't even 168 00:09:25.919 --> 00:09:28.960 talk about pleasure in public school systems, it's literally against 169 00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:33.080 the rules. Really, eight ten thousand nerve endings. And this 170 00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:35.200 little spot called the clitterists, Oh my god, And it's 171 00:09:35.240 --> 00:09:37.639 not just the spot. Now we know there's this whole 172 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:40.919 internal structure to the clitterists. And if guys don't know that, 173 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:44.600 if they don't have an actual modern roadmap, if they're 174 00:09:44.639 --> 00:09:48.679 trying to use a roadmap from the nineteen hundreds, good luck. 175 00:09:48.720 --> 00:09:51.320 In the modern world, life is more complex, women are 176 00:09:51.320 --> 00:09:53.840 more complex that they're more empowered, Like you got to 177 00:09:53.879 --> 00:09:56.399 meet their hearts and their minds and their bodies anyway. 178 00:09:56.480 --> 00:10:00.320 So I just, I just I'm a good teacher school 179 00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:03.480 of education, become a teacher. I'm good for development, curriculum 180 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:06.399 and instruction. So I just said, if I want to 181 00:10:06.440 --> 00:10:08.919 take a guy from where I was and get them 182 00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:11.440 to where I'm at, like, what do I need them 183 00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:12.960 to learn along the way? And it just turned out 184 00:10:12.960 --> 00:10:15.519 to be five things. Number one is installing some upgrades 185 00:10:15.519 --> 00:10:18.480 to how we think our beliefs. We got to change 186 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:21.399 some of our goddamn perspectives. Grandpa's perspectives don't work in 187 00:10:21.440 --> 00:10:27.000 twenty twenty one. And then understanding your partner. Guys don't 188 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:32.720 really understand women. Women can be confusing. Guys can just 189 00:10:32.720 --> 00:10:34.840 throw up their hands and say, I'm done. I don't 190 00:10:34.840 --> 00:10:36.720 fucking know what to do. Then if I do, damned, 191 00:10:36.720 --> 00:10:41.720 If I don't, let's change that. You can understand women absolutely, 192 00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:47.799 they're not rocket science. Then after that some sex education 193 00:10:47.960 --> 00:10:51.799 modern sex education section number three, learn about the internal 194 00:10:51.840 --> 00:10:54.360 hotspots that we know about inside the female genitalia that 195 00:10:54.399 --> 00:10:57.000 we didn't know about twenty years ago because male doctors 196 00:10:57.039 --> 00:11:00.120 never mapped the internal neural structures in female genitals. They 197 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:02.639 never did it until twenty years ago. It's brand new information. 198 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:06.279 Then after that, number four intimacy tools. How to stoke 199 00:11:06.360 --> 00:11:08.279 the fire of your relationship. You have to have some 200 00:11:08.360 --> 00:11:11.240 tools for keeping your relationship hot. I only teach about 201 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:14.759 long term relationship success. I don't give a shit about pickups. 202 00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:16.919 I don't care about dating. No no, no, no, no no 203 00:11:16.919 --> 00:11:19.720 no no no. If you want long term success hot juicy, 204 00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:23.279 getting your erotic dreams and bucket list items you know 205 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:25.799 achieved in your relationship with somebody long term. That's what 206 00:11:25.879 --> 00:11:27.480 I teach, but you gotta have tools for that. You 207 00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:29.559 got to keep it hot because things change, We change, 208 00:11:29.559 --> 00:11:31.720 we dwindle, our appetites change. And then last thing I 209 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:34.759 teach is actual sex technique, which is what all the 210 00:11:34.759 --> 00:11:37.720 guys want to know. How do I last longer in bed? Well, 211 00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:40.440 I'll teach you that, but you gott to learn this 212 00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:42.840 stuff first, otherwise you don't. You don't really have the 213 00:11:42.919 --> 00:11:46.360 quality and the character to wield these high power tools anyway. 214 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:51.080 So that five prong system really takes the guy from 215 00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:54.679 here to here in like a very short period of time. 216 00:11:54.879 --> 00:11:56.879 High power, high impact things that you don't have to 217 00:11:56.919 --> 00:11:58.559 practice for twenty years to master. 218 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:03.519 So question for you. A lot of the dysfunction that 219 00:12:03.720 --> 00:12:07.360 I believe that I see that we experience in relationships 220 00:12:07.600 --> 00:12:10.320 is a result of often our early childhood trauma. So 221 00:12:10.360 --> 00:12:13.000 that you know, you described early childhood traumas like so 222 00:12:13.320 --> 00:12:17.320 much like that and like taking off the table genetic, historical, 223 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:20.039 like just getting rid of all the other types of trauma, 224 00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:22.840 just our childhood trauma, just you know, growing up in 225 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:27.320 a home of domestic violence, suffering through a divorce, poverty, 226 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:30.200 as many of the issues that plague us as you know, 227 00:12:30.279 --> 00:12:34.360 little children, infant male circumcision, massive trauma. So how does 228 00:12:34.399 --> 00:12:39.200 your system account for that in terms of relationship dynamics, 229 00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:41.720 Because very often when we're having these screaming, matching and 230 00:12:41.799 --> 00:12:44.960 yelling fights, it's just our traumas rubbing up against each 231 00:12:45.000 --> 00:12:48.000 other and us in our fight or flight response. So 232 00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:50.600 do you address that in your system or how do 233 00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:52.039 you address that in your system? If you do? 234 00:12:52.639 --> 00:12:56.679 Okay, number one, I'm not a therapist. I'm a counselor, 235 00:12:56.679 --> 00:13:00.399 I'm a coach. I'm a teacher, but I and go 236 00:13:00.440 --> 00:13:03.679 through to get my master's degree in this. So if 237 00:13:03.720 --> 00:13:06.919 there's a level of dysfunction or abuse or trauma that's 238 00:13:06.919 --> 00:13:10.440 happening in your world, like you need help. Okay, this 239 00:13:10.519 --> 00:13:13.759 is a self help book, that's all. This is all right. 240 00:13:13.799 --> 00:13:17.759 This is awesome for people that aren't experiencing abuse in 241 00:13:17.799 --> 00:13:22.679 trauma right now. But I would say the majority of 242 00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:24.480 us have, or all of us have, in this human 243 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:30.440 experience human existence, experienced some sort of trauma in our upbringings. Right, 244 00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:34.679 So we're all these kind of like broken people interfacing 245 00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:36.399 with all these other broken people, or it's all all 246 00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:38.639 of these little children interfacing with all these other little children. 247 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:42.039 How do we address that? So my system is not complicated. 248 00:13:42.919 --> 00:13:47.679 It's about learning communication tools to be able to get 249 00:13:48.120 --> 00:13:52.039 difficult truths out there in the best way possible. Now, 250 00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:53.840 what I mean by that is in a way that 251 00:13:53.879 --> 00:13:57.159 has the highest likelihood of it going well. We increase 252 00:13:57.200 --> 00:14:00.399 our chances of success by learning how to give a 253 00:14:00.440 --> 00:14:03.600 handle to hold on too. We preface, we set the frame, 254 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:07.879 We do our own internal work of understanding what's really 255 00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:11.159 going on inside of us, and then we can communicate 256 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:13.679 that reality in such a way that it hopefully won't 257 00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:16.399 trigger them to run away or have a temper tantrum 258 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:19.240 or break up with us or something like that. And 259 00:14:19.320 --> 00:14:24.720 also to tease out of our partner their truth what's 260 00:14:24.919 --> 00:14:28.039 going on in them, because a lot of guys the 261 00:14:28.120 --> 00:14:30.120 last woman, what do you want? And she goes, I 262 00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:33.600 don't know. Maybe she's never been asked in her life. 263 00:14:34.080 --> 00:14:36.039 Maybe like she's been so drowned out by her mom 264 00:14:36.080 --> 00:14:38.519 and her pop, like just do what you're told, don't 265 00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:41.159 have your own opinion, Just do the damn chores, like 266 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:43.799 be a good student, like be a nice girl, like 267 00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:47.440 all that crap that maybe she's never had a space 268 00:14:47.919 --> 00:14:51.200 to or never had anybody empower her voice and her 269 00:14:51.279 --> 00:14:53.919 choice in her life. So it's a tremendous opportunity in 270 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:57.799 relationship where you can't empower your partner for that sense 271 00:14:57.840 --> 00:15:00.200 of opening up and blossoming, maybe for the first in 272 00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:03.639 their entire lives. Anyway, it's about these communication tools that 273 00:15:03.639 --> 00:15:06.279 we should be taught in grade school. 274 00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:11.240 Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely correct. Communication is the is the 275 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:14.759 foundation of cultivating a container of trust and safety in 276 00:15:14.759 --> 00:15:17.320 a relationship. And doesn't matter like how good your sex 277 00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:20.200 skills are. If we if I, as a cis gender woman, 278 00:15:20.440 --> 00:15:23.080 do not feel safe in your presence, I'm not going 279 00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:26.000 to be able to relax fully into my bliss, fully 280 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:29.840 into my orgasm. So setting the stage, setting the groundwork 281 00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:33.559 for having healthy, constructive communication. And then also what I'm 282 00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:35.799 hearing is like, you're not really your focus in your 283 00:15:35.799 --> 00:15:38.799 work isn't really on like you know, short term relationships 284 00:15:38.799 --> 00:15:42.399 and dating. Your your focus in your work is relationship sustainability. 285 00:15:42.399 --> 00:15:44.000 And I would say that that's that's kind of that's 286 00:15:44.039 --> 00:15:46.480 a unique perspective in this field. There's a lot of 287 00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:49.639 conversation about polyamory, there's a lot of conversation about dating. 288 00:15:49.679 --> 00:15:53.480 There's a lot of conversations about you know, different sexual orientations, 289 00:15:53.480 --> 00:15:57.840 but this whole like monogamous cis head or sis sis 290 00:15:57.960 --> 00:16:04.039 heterosexual wife relationship, having healthy relationships in that demographic that 291 00:16:04.240 --> 00:16:08.120 very very often gets overlooked. And yet it is a 292 00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:12.159 demographic that that, like, you know, if we aren't I 293 00:16:12.679 --> 00:16:15.360 if if all of us as humans are not in healthy, 294 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:19.159 supportive relationships, then that wound and that poison is going 295 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:21.919 to influence our society at large. So I just want 296 00:16:21.960 --> 00:16:23.639 to praise and support your courage. 297 00:16:24.480 --> 00:16:26.559 Well, thank you, you know, but I do want to 298 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:30.919 you've in this flag. Yeah, look at me going traditional here, 299 00:16:31.639 --> 00:16:35.360 long term relationship because there's a lot of wine, I 300 00:16:35.399 --> 00:16:35.919 don't know. 301 00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:37.279 A lot of shade that. 302 00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:39.080 Do we want to grow all alone? 303 00:16:39.559 --> 00:16:39.840 Yes? 304 00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:44.960 Yes, you know, we age, we change. I think that 305 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:47.720 we want to. I think most people want to have 306 00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:50.559 their current desires fulfilled and want to have a pathway 307 00:16:50.919 --> 00:16:54.320 towards getting their future desires fulfilled. All so, and I 308 00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:57.080 don't think that's swimming in the waters, have single them forever. 309 00:16:57.320 --> 00:17:01.519 For most people, that gets immediate sexual satisfaction and variety 310 00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:05.240 needs met. Absolutely, But well you can have that, that's fine, 311 00:17:05.640 --> 00:17:07.839 But if you want long term relationship with a person, 312 00:17:07.880 --> 00:17:10.400 You got to invest in that person. That means learning 313 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:12.640 how to dance with that person. And I just want 314 00:17:12.680 --> 00:17:15.200 to take issue with one thing. Like you mentioned, you 315 00:17:15.240 --> 00:17:18.279 know that I'm white and I teach white people. Well 316 00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:21.640 I don't. I don't think that I teach white people. 317 00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:25.079 I'm talking to the core of humanity. You know, I 318 00:17:25.160 --> 00:17:28.359 don't care what your religious background is, or what community 319 00:17:28.400 --> 00:17:31.200 you were brought up in, or this tone of your 320 00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:39.119 skin color. These pain is universal, like relationships are universal. 321 00:17:39.240 --> 00:17:41.160 We're born into this world and we die, and we 322 00:17:41.160 --> 00:17:43.400 have relationships along the way. We want to touch and 323 00:17:43.400 --> 00:17:48.119 be touched for social organisms. So you know, I feel 324 00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:49.960 and I may have blind spots, And if you see 325 00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:51.599 I have a blind spot, I'm welcome to hear it, 326 00:17:51.640 --> 00:17:55.680 Like call me out, It's okay. But I think these 327 00:17:55.680 --> 00:18:01.359 are universal truths anyway. So if we can heal our 328 00:18:01.400 --> 00:18:05.400 ability to relate with one person, that revolutionizes the whole planet, 329 00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:10.720 that revolutionizes our local community, all the layers that are 330 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:14.160 from our relationship with ourselves, to our close inner circle, 331 00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:16.519 to our family, to our community, to the state that 332 00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:19.519 we live, into the country, to the world at large. 333 00:18:19.559 --> 00:18:21.480 Like all these layers become affected. 334 00:18:21.599 --> 00:18:24.559 Absolutely, and that is why the healing of our intimate 335 00:18:24.559 --> 00:18:28.119 relationships is so such a focal point and has actually 336 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:30.519 been a focal point in some Eastern traditions as well. 337 00:18:30.839 --> 00:18:33.680 And in terms of I want to hear and support 338 00:18:33.759 --> 00:18:37.720 that your message is for humanity and what my orientation 339 00:18:37.960 --> 00:18:41.000 is as a person of color, there are certain stressors 340 00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:45.039 and traumas that are specific to being black in America 341 00:18:45.160 --> 00:18:48.400 that you will not be able to relate to at all. Ever, 342 00:18:48.880 --> 00:18:51.960 and there are certain causes and conditions in place, certain as, 343 00:18:52.200 --> 00:18:54.119 certain things that I'm going to have to work on 344 00:18:54.200 --> 00:18:56.559 and heal. So when you say, like, you know, women, 345 00:18:56.960 --> 00:18:58.720 you know this is the way women are. Well, as 346 00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:01.559 a black woman, my experience of life is very very 347 00:19:01.559 --> 00:19:06.119 different than a white, middle class heterosexual woman growing up 348 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:09.759 in Iowa, so to speak. My experience is very very different, 349 00:19:09.839 --> 00:19:15.279 and my experience is impacted and affected by my genetics 350 00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:19.000 and by my skin color and by my appearance. So 351 00:19:19.039 --> 00:19:22.039 when I say, you know, referring to you speaking to 352 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:24.759 you know cis white men. Yes, of course your message 353 00:19:24.759 --> 00:19:29.319 is universal, but there's specific things that occur in the 354 00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:31.759 dynamics of white people that are different than in the 355 00:19:31.839 --> 00:19:34.359 dynamics of black people. And this is very, very salient. 356 00:19:34.440 --> 00:19:37.559 I'm in an interracial relationship. My husband's white, so there's 357 00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:39.799 stuff that comes up for me in ways of expressing 358 00:19:39.799 --> 00:19:43.920 myself that for him he absorbs in a different way. 359 00:19:43.960 --> 00:19:46.400 And there's things about his orientation and his view that 360 00:19:46.440 --> 00:19:50.240 I'm like, I'm black, I don't think that way. That's no, 361 00:19:51.079 --> 00:19:53.079 it's not even on my radar. So I think that 362 00:19:53.119 --> 00:19:55.559 we I always want to account for the fact that 363 00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:58.960 when we're talking about universal humans, we're also talking about 364 00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:03.480 individuated and individual and unique experiences that, unfortunately today are 365 00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:05.799 based on race. That is a fact that it's an 366 00:20:05.880 --> 00:20:08.640 inescapable fact. I can escape it as a person of color, 367 00:20:08.960 --> 00:20:10.799 and we can escape it as a society. 368 00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:15.319 Yeah. Absolutely, I completely agree with you. We could say 369 00:20:15.319 --> 00:20:18.359 that I believe me Christopher's Lovestone. I believe that these 370 00:20:18.359 --> 00:20:20.759 are universal truths from my limited perspectives. 371 00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:21.839 Right. 372 00:20:22.519 --> 00:20:24.799 My perspective is what I've grown up, what I've seen, 373 00:20:24.839 --> 00:20:26.920 what I've lived in, and what I've experienced, and I'm 374 00:20:26.920 --> 00:20:28.920 just going to acknowledge it. Yeah, I've donn have blind spots. 375 00:20:28.960 --> 00:20:30.680 I'm gonna have programming that I don't know about now. 376 00:20:30.680 --> 00:20:33.279 I make a practice to try to find my blind spots. 377 00:20:33.640 --> 00:20:36.599 I try to find common ground. But still, yeah, what 378 00:20:36.599 --> 00:20:39.079 do we do anyway? I think you've got good resource 379 00:20:39.160 --> 00:20:43.160 there for putting a book out, Davy. You know about 380 00:20:43.680 --> 00:20:47.200 crossing the cultural barrier in your own intimate, long term relationship, 381 00:20:47.519 --> 00:20:49.200 you know, there's not much there on that. How do 382 00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:52.000 you keep it hot and amazing and engaged when you're 383 00:20:52.119 --> 00:20:56.680 an evolving human being and there's cultural differences to thought patterns, 384 00:20:56.640 --> 00:21:01.759 of communication patterns and stuff like that. That is rich soil, Yeah, 385 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:02.839 it really is. 386 00:21:02.920 --> 00:21:07.200 And so circling back to your work. So the foundation 387 00:21:07.319 --> 00:21:09.799 of what you do is it sounds like the foundation, 388 00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:13.000 or at least this building block, is really on communication, 389 00:21:13.079 --> 00:21:15.640 which is a skill that we are not taught. I 390 00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:18.559 practice non violent communication, and I was horrified when I 391 00:21:18.599 --> 00:21:22.079 first started. It's like, how do we not know this? 392 00:21:22.240 --> 00:21:24.880 How are we not given these skills growing up? Then 393 00:21:24.960 --> 00:21:29.359 the second piece is understanding women? So what does that 394 00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:31.720 mean in terms of the work that you do? How 395 00:21:31.759 --> 00:21:34.559 do you help men understand women? 396 00:21:35.880 --> 00:21:38.680 Well, there's a lot of things that I talk about there. 397 00:21:38.720 --> 00:21:40.559 It's a whole section of the book. Let me just 398 00:21:40.599 --> 00:21:43.720 look at it really quickly. There's a thing that I've 399 00:21:43.759 --> 00:21:48.400 identified number one here, understanding her point of view, that 400 00:21:48.680 --> 00:21:51.599 guys tend to believe that their point of view is 401 00:21:51.640 --> 00:21:56.680