WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:07.400 I could hear the clink of glassware and low, golden 2 00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:10.439 laughter from a couple at the next table, a soundtrack 3 00:00:10.519 --> 00:00:13.080 for the kind of Saturday night that restaurants hope for. 4 00:00:13.720 --> 00:00:16.519 The wine glasses in front of me, one poured for 5 00:00:16.559 --> 00:00:20.519 each of us, didn't fit. I kept shifting mine a little, 6 00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:24.640 trading hands, pretending to consider another sip, anything that could 7 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:27.800 pass for casual, to the microscopic attention of servers, who 8 00:00:28.039 --> 00:00:30.960 I imagined had begun to feel sorry for me. Around 9 00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:34.200 the forty minute mark, I'd picked the table by the 10 00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:37.479 window for the view, one of those perfect tree lined 11 00:00:37.560 --> 00:00:41.320 streets of wicker chairs and crisp white tablecloths. The neighborhood, 12 00:00:41.399 --> 00:00:44.240 up market but not flashy. We weren't the sort to 13 00:00:44.240 --> 00:00:47.759 do this every week, but it was our anniversary, six 14 00:00:47.880 --> 00:00:51.679 years mark, and I had built something here, I told myself, 15 00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:54.759 a life that felt like the kind that adults more 16 00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:58.640 responsible than us once had. He'd reserved at this place 17 00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:03.320 before Old School Chicago with a twist, he'd said, flashing 18 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:05.920 a grin as he scrolled the menu earlier this week, 19 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:10.439 nudging my knee under the kitchen table. That day, I'd 20 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:13.920 believed he wanted this as much as I did now. 21 00:01:13.959 --> 00:01:17.400 I watched the condensation trail down the untouched glass across 22 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:21.200 from me. I checked the time again, eight forty seven, 23 00:01:21.480 --> 00:01:26.200 then eight fifty three, then nine zero two. Every minute 24 00:01:26.200 --> 00:01:28.680 forced me to tap the screen, as if more illumination 25 00:01:28.760 --> 00:01:32.879 would explain why he had vanished. When he first started running, 26 00:01:32.959 --> 00:01:36.640 Mark had warned me about these long Saturday races. Sometimes 27 00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:39.560 the pack just gets carried away, Babe, he'd said, don't 28 00:01:39.560 --> 00:01:42.680 wait for me if I'm late. But tonight, I'd texted 29 00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:46.000 him at seven twenty two, Hey, reservation is for seven 30 00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:50.680 thirty running behind, and nothing at eight thirteen another All okay, 31 00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:54.439 wondering if I should order no response, not even those 32 00:01:54.480 --> 00:01:58.400 three dots. The server, a thin woman with a practiced, 33 00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:02.359 exhausted smile, came twice, asking if I wanted the kitchen 34 00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:05.159 to hold mine entray, or would I like an appetizer 35 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:08.120 for now. I finally let her set down the amuse 36 00:02:08.199 --> 00:02:12.159 bouch something with beets, orange and goat cheese, out of 37 00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:15.400 place and oddly lonely, and told her to go ahead, 38 00:02:15.639 --> 00:02:19.280 just bring the fish. When my phone finally buzzed at 39 00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:22.840 nine seventeen, I felt it somewhere in my chest the 40 00:02:22.840 --> 00:02:25.599 way you feel relief and hurt, colliding too fast to 41 00:02:25.639 --> 00:02:30.000 separate them. Mark, Sorry, something came up. I'll explain later. 42 00:02:30.360 --> 00:02:35.400 Eat without me. Sorry. Nothing about the anniversary, not even 43 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:38.960 an apology, so much as a place holder, like someone 44 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:43.159 rescheduling a meeting. No little in joke. No, I love you. No, 45 00:02:43.479 --> 00:02:46.879 I'll be there as soon as I can. At that moment, 46 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:50.360 every detail of the restaurant became exaggerated, the clink of 47 00:02:50.360 --> 00:02:53.479 a fork, the sticky spot beneath my shoe, the dull 48 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:56.400 ache where my shoulders slumped. I thought of this morning, 49 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:59.280 Mark already hunched into his black jacket before the alarm. 50 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:03.199 I'd padded in hair, unwashed, sleep lines still pressed into 51 00:03:03.240 --> 00:03:06.560 my arms. Want me to get some eggs on, I'd murmured, 52 00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:10.039 still hopeful, still doing the nice wife thing, even though running, 53 00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:13.000 I'd learned, was sacred in a way nothing else was 54 00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:17.080 allowed to be. He waved me off without making eye contact, 55 00:03:17.479 --> 00:03:21.280 tying his laces fast, like extra seconds could be squeezed 56 00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:24.599 from not talking. I kissed the back of his neck. 57 00:03:24.879 --> 00:03:28.199 He grunted a non committal sound. If it meant anything 58 00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:31.879 at all, good luck, I tried. He shut the door 59 00:03:31.960 --> 00:03:35.599 softly behind him and was gone. Maybe later, when I 60 00:03:35.680 --> 00:03:39.479 replayed it, i'd realize how far the distance already stretched. 61 00:03:39.960 --> 00:03:43.120 But in the restaurant, I closed his message, left him 62 00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:46.759 on read, and pressed the glass of wine to my lips. 63 00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:49.879 When I finally stood up to leave, the server met 64 00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:52.879 my gaze just long enough to ask softly, would you 65 00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:56.360 like the bill or I nodded, feeling the hot pulse 66 00:03:56.400 --> 00:03:59.759 of shame climbed my neck for being stood up, for 67 00:04:00.360 --> 00:04:03.120 I hadn't been for the way the table across from 68 00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:05.919 me was still perfectly set, a place for a husband 69 00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:09.680 who had chosen not to show up. Outside the bestro, 70 00:04:09.840 --> 00:04:13.960 lights twined above the sidewalk, coupled figures strolled by, the 71 00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:16.800 air crisper than it had been all day. I held 72 00:04:16.800 --> 00:04:20.120 my coat tight against my body, scrolling Mark's message again, 73 00:04:20.439 --> 00:04:24.160 hoping absurdly for some mistext, some clue that could make 74 00:04:24.199 --> 00:04:28.000 this feel like a misunderstanding. All I had was something 75 00:04:28.079 --> 00:04:33.040 came up, Something was always coming up. Lately. My walk 76 00:04:33.079 --> 00:04:34.680 home was longer than it should have been for the 77 00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:37.839 shoes I'd picked, and each block felt like another layer 78 00:04:37.879 --> 00:04:40.759 of the night closing in. I tried to tell myself 79 00:04:40.800 --> 00:04:44.199 that people tangled their schedules that things ran late, that 80 00:04:44.279 --> 00:04:47.600 surely something just unavoidable had happened. Yet there was a 81 00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:51.800 gravity to this absence, a sense, quiet and persistent, of 82 00:04:51.879 --> 00:04:55.519 being left behind, not once, but over weeks, perhaps months, 83 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:58.959 in increments so small I hadn't seen them forming the pattern. 84 00:05:00.040 --> 00:05:02.480 At night, the city's lights washed the ceiling above our 85 00:05:02.519 --> 00:05:05.680 bed with shifting grids. I kept the lamps switched on, 86 00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:09.639 phone in my palm, mark's presence, his keys on the hook, 87 00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:13.519 his mug in the sink was everywhere and nowhere. I 88 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:16.079 turned the ring on my finger, pressing it against my 89 00:05:16.199 --> 00:05:20.040 skin until it pinched. It would be almost dawn before 90 00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:24.120 I slept. Long before then, I rehearsed excuses for him 91 00:05:24.120 --> 00:05:27.519 in my mind, cycling through each possible crisis he might 92 00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:30.639 claim when he finally arrived home, if he came home 93 00:05:30.680 --> 00:05:34.759 at all. In those hours, the gravity became heavy enough 94 00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:39.519 that even my hope, worn thin by repetition, felt reckless. 95 00:05:40.120 --> 00:05:42.639 If there's a moment you become aware your marriage has 96 00:05:42.680 --> 00:05:47.759 developed an invisible fracture, maybe this was mine, a silent restaurant, 97 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:51.519 my reflection in the dark window, a string of apologies, 98 00:05:51.560 --> 00:05:55.680 never quite making the distance. Six years and I'd never 99 00:05:55.720 --> 00:05:59.680 felt so remote from the person I loved long before 100 00:05:59.720 --> 00:06:03.199 it was ever about running or races or missing a date. 101 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:07.120 Mark was the most present person in any room. I 102 00:06:07.160 --> 00:06:09.800 remember the first time I saw him at a friend's 103 00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:13.399 housewarming in Bucktown, a spill over of twenty somethings pressed 104 00:06:13.399 --> 00:06:17.000 into a cold apartment. He'd been telling an outlandish improv 105 00:06:17.079 --> 00:06:20.920 story about his worst summer job ever, hands drawing shapes 106 00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:24.279 in the air, laughter rolling out of him like something physical. 107 00:06:24.879 --> 00:06:27.759 You could not pay attention. When he caught my eye, 108 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.160 he winked, as if we were already in on a 109 00:06:30.240 --> 00:06:34.480 joke together. From the start, Mark seemed propelled by a 110 00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:38.759 kind of reckless enthusiasm that made you want to do something, anything, 111 00:06:39.319 --> 00:06:42.879 just for the adventure of it. We debuilt this life 112 00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:48.000 on that momentum, matching apartments, little traditions, Thursday night takeout 113 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:51.519 from green tea garden, urban hikes up the lake after work, 114 00:06:51.879 --> 00:06:56.120 stumbling home from late night trivia pizza boxes balanced between us. 115 00:06:56.720 --> 00:06:59.759 I always sought out routines to keep myself sane after 116 00:06:59.800 --> 00:07:03.040 a long day sketching in the studio or wrangling client 117 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:08.639 demands from offices that felt like overgrown dioramas. Mark floated 118 00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:12.319 from freelance gigs in social media to a marketing agency 119 00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:14.800 that liked his charm as much as his pitch slides. 120 00:07:15.399 --> 00:07:18.759 Our matching business became a game. If my deadlines stacked 121 00:07:18.759 --> 00:07:21.399 too high, he'd make dinner and tape up a creative 122 00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:24.319 genius at work do not disturb sign on my home 123 00:07:24.360 --> 00:07:27.920 office door. When his projects went sideways or a client 124 00:07:28.040 --> 00:07:31.319 dropped out, we'd blow our budget on cheap Asian fusion 125 00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:35.879 and binge terrible TV until the laugh track replaced our anxiety. 126 00:07:36.959 --> 00:07:39.920 Not every couple gets to sidestep the normal pressure about 127 00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:42.639 families and futures as easily, but we made it a 128 00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:46.680 philosophy from the start. No kids, not now, maybe not ever. 129 00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:49.720 We used to wear that choice like a badge, the 130 00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:54.040 future wide open couple, smug with freedom, explaining it matter 131 00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:57.199 of factly to our parents, grinning at each other as 132 00:07:57.240 --> 00:08:01.439 if we'd cracked some code. Our friends had opinions, of course, 133 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:05.439 Megan from my office would hint about getting serious, but 134 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:08.920 usually our group of city dwellers were too distracted by 135 00:08:08.920 --> 00:08:14.160 their own deadlines and concerts to press. My closest friends. Ivy, 136 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:17.519 fellow architect and ruthless critic of my taste in movies. 137 00:08:17.959 --> 00:08:23.079 Tasha Nurse irreverent brunch philosopher, and Elina heartbroken musician, too 138 00:08:23.120 --> 00:08:26.279 talented for half the gigs she took. Anchored my weekends. 139 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:30.279 We'd meet for bottomless mimosas, dissect the latest break ups 140 00:08:30.279 --> 00:08:33.559 and career in dignities, and swear off relationships at least 141 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:37.159 once a month. Mark was mildly amused by our rituals, 142 00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:41.200 happy to let me claim saturdays as mine. It balanced 143 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:44.919 against his standing basketball games or Sunday morning golf with 144 00:08:45.039 --> 00:08:49.360 Owen and Drew, his college roommates, both relieably louder and 145 00:08:49.480 --> 00:08:52.960 less mature than Mark, but full of stories and inside 146 00:08:53.080 --> 00:08:57.360 jokes that seemed permanent as stone. We rarely needed each 147 00:08:57.399 --> 00:09:00.559 other to fill every social gap. The indendance was a 148 00:09:00.600 --> 00:09:03.720 point of pride, a kind of urban Darwinism. At least 149 00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:07.039 in those first years. It meant we weren't codependent, we said. 150 00:09:07.399 --> 00:09:09.720 It meant we had room to be ourselves, or so 151 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:12.799 I believed until I began to catch the small changes, 152 00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:16.039 the flickers of agitation that crossed Mark's face when he 153 00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:19.039 came home to a crowded apartment, the sharpness in his 154 00:09:19.159 --> 00:09:22.399 voice when my plans ran late. For a while, I 155 00:09:22.480 --> 00:09:27.159 blamed work stress from his new job, the endless pivots 156 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:30.679 of agency life. But even at his worst, Mark had 157 00:09:30.679 --> 00:09:33.799 always been an open book, a man whose feelings were 158 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:37.960 splattered across his features, never hidden away. He was my 159 00:09:38.039 --> 00:09:41.080 first call when I landed my promotion last fall, the 160 00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:43.679 first voice I had wanted when my father's health scare 161 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:46.679 sent me into free fall two years ago. Mark had 162 00:09:46.759 --> 00:09:49.440 driven three hours home from a work trip, straight to 163 00:09:49.480 --> 00:09:52.399 my side, armed with snacks he knew I wouldn't eat, 164 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:55.279 and stories to make me laugh about the hospital's carpeting. 165 00:09:55.759 --> 00:10:01.120 That was just him, loyal, exhausting, sometimes too, but always 166 00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:04.960 reliable when it counted. I asked as much of myself 167 00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:07.759 for him, Knights holding him as he ranted about a 168 00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:11.639 client's betrayal, morning, slipping a note in his briefcase when 169 00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:15.960 he'd lost a job, Standing quietly through ruinous rounds of layoffs, 170 00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:20.200 his confidence only rarely dipped, but when it did, it 171 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:23.480 was my job to pick up the pieces. This, I 172 00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:27.360 told myself, was love at its core, knowing each other's 173 00:10:27.360 --> 00:10:29.919 messes well enough to sweep them up even if no 174 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:34.039 one else saw the pile. But lately, even our messes 175 00:10:34.080 --> 00:10:37.360 didn't fit together the way they used to. Over the 176 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:43.200 last year, everything crowded in deadlines and meetings, family obligations, friends, dramas. 177 00:10:43.799 --> 00:10:47.120 Through it all, Mark always returned to routines. He trusted 178 00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:51.600 weekend golf, the standing basketball games, a quick beer with 179 00:10:51.720 --> 00:10:55.559 Owen after work. Until one March afternoon, he stood in 180 00:10:55.559 --> 00:10:59.960 the kitchen holding a flyer. Started a neighborhood run club. 181 00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:04.120 He announced meet ups every week Sunrise you in. He 182 00:11:04.120 --> 00:11:07.120 held the flier out to me like a trophy. The 183 00:11:07.240 --> 00:11:10.639 edge of his excitement caught me by surprise. For months, 184 00:11:10.639 --> 00:11:14.360 Mark had complained of feeling sluggish, restless, maybe a product 185 00:11:14.399 --> 00:11:17.360 of fewer big nights out. Maybe stress may be just 186 00:11:17.399 --> 00:11:20.159 a creeping sense of getting older. I was happy to 187 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:23.120 see him animated about something that wasn't a streaming service 188 00:11:23.480 --> 00:11:26.960 or yet another fantasy sports league. For a split second, 189 00:11:27.240 --> 00:11:30.600 I imagined us training together, maybe conquering a ten k, 190 00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:33.879 joining those couples who flirted at the finished line with 191 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:37.960 matching medals. But when I'd suggested as much, what if 192 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:43.799 I come just once be your water girl, his smile faltered. Now, Babe, 193 00:11:43.919 --> 00:11:47.000 he said, lightly, it's just my thing. You know, need 194 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:51.840 time with the guise, besides, you hate running, I didn't exactly. 195 00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:56.000 I tolerated it anyway when I had time. Still, it 196 00:11:56.080 --> 00:11:59.080 felt easier to respect his wish for space than argue 197 00:11:59.080 --> 00:12:02.360 for inclusion. Wasn't that what had always kept us smooth? 198 00:12:03.399 --> 00:12:06.080 He started sleeping with his phone under his pillow, an 199 00:12:06.120 --> 00:12:08.919 old habit resurrected in case I need to check pace 200 00:12:09.039 --> 00:12:12.320 numbers when I wake up. The first Saturday he left, 201 00:12:12.519 --> 00:12:15.120 I didn't notice the length of his absence or whether 202 00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:18.960 he even texted while he was gone. His enthusiasm overwhelmed 203 00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:22.159 any worry, and when he returned, exhausted but lit up, 204 00:12:22.360 --> 00:12:26.399 sweating through his own compliments, crushed it seven miles, didn't 205 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:31.000 even walk. I had nothing but praise. Soon it became regular, 206 00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:34.559 every Saturday before dawn, the careful set of his alarm, 207 00:12:34.840 --> 00:12:37.120 the race day energy that left him all nerves and 208 00:12:37.120 --> 00:12:41.039 fidgeting as he prept gear the night before, laying out shoes, gels, 209 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:44.399 bottle weather ap glowing on the countertop. After the first 210 00:12:44.440 --> 00:12:47.039 four or five week ends, I realized I'd stopped asking 211 00:12:47.080 --> 00:12:49.840 who he ran with. He made passing mention of the crew, 212 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:54.440 sometimes tossing out first names. Jeff Myles, cass, but mostly 213 00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:58.720 it was vaguer and vaguer. The group chat, the usual suspects, 214 00:12:59.320 --> 00:13:02.679 not any one I knew well by the time they 215 00:13:02.759 --> 00:13:05.440 rolled around. The running club was less an event in 216 00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:08.919 our life than a dividing line through it. Saturday mornings 217 00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:12.559 belonged to Mark and his sunrise tribe. Somewhere between our 218 00:13:12.600 --> 00:13:15.840 first nervous five K jokes and this new regime, the 219 00:13:15.919 --> 00:13:19.240 details faded. I worried about him getting hurt on some 220 00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:23.399 dark sidewalk, but he brushed it off. We stick together, Babe, 221 00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:27.320 You worry too much. He was home later each week, 222 00:13:27.639 --> 00:13:32.440 trailing sweetsur sweat, eyes glittering with adrenaline. Sometimes his mood 223 00:13:32.559 --> 00:13:36.320 was electric, other times he was irritable, diving into a shower, 224 00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:40.159 napping for hours, unreachable. I stopped asking if he wanted 225 00:13:40.159 --> 00:13:42.639 to join me for brunch with the girls. It felt 226 00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:46.559 like a fair trade. Saturday mornings to him afternoons to me, 227 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:50.440 each of us keeping our own slices of independence intact. 228 00:13:51.480 --> 00:13:54.679 It wasn't until late in June that the first jagged 229 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:57.960 seed of doubt crept in. I was cutting through the 230 00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:01.159 little park across from Java River Caffe, a place I 231 00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:04.360 stopped every other Saturday on my post brunch walks with Tasha. 232 00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:07.440 When I saw Emma, we d met a handful of 233 00:14:07.440 --> 00:14:10.639 times over pastries. She worked across the street and had 234 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:13.360 always worn an easy smile that made her seem like 235 00:14:13.559 --> 00:14:16.440 she belonged to every group in the neighborhood. To day, 236 00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:19.559 she was laughing with someone from the club, stretching out 237 00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:23.879 beside a folding table covered in orange slices and bottled water. 238 00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:30.039 I spotted Mark's running shoes in the pile with the others. Hey, Emma, 239 00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:35.440 I called, waving. She grinned, wind blown and pink faced. Samantha, 240 00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:39.039 missed you at yoga last month. We chatted for a 241 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:41.879 minute about the weather. Then she gestured to the cluster 242 00:14:41.960 --> 00:14:47.200 of runners. You run with these guys. I shook my head. No, 243 00:14:47.600 --> 00:14:50.720 just here to say hi. My husband Mark runs with 244 00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:55.000 you lot. He's always bragging about who's the fastest. Her 245 00:14:55.039 --> 00:14:59.200 eyebrows crinkled. Husband, you mean Mark C I guess I 246 00:14:59.279 --> 00:15:02.679 never heard he was married. She let out a little laugh, 247 00:15:03.080 --> 00:15:07.000 uncertain as if she might have the wrong person. I 248 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:10.279 made one of those self mocking jokes we city couples 249 00:15:10.519 --> 00:15:14.320 hiding in plain sight and changed the subject. But as 250 00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:17.120 we parted, I couldn't stop thinking about the way she'd 251 00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:20.639 phrased it. Never heard he was married. Was Mark so 252 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:23.519 private or had he decided I didn't belong in the 253 00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:27.200 version of himself he performed for the running group. I 254 00:15:27.279 --> 00:15:29.919 told myself Emma was new to the club, that Mark 255 00:15:29.960 --> 00:15:32.720 didn't parade his whole life at every get together, that 256 00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:36.200 maybe she just missed a mention. After all, Mark was 257 00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:39.080 the most social person. I knew he could be talking 258 00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:43.080 to four people at once and keep each story straight. Still, 259 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:45.879 that night, when I brought up seeing Emma and asked 260 00:15:45.879 --> 00:15:49.879 about the group, he shrugged me off. Honestly, Babe, it's 261 00:15:49.960 --> 00:15:52.840 just a crowd from around the neighborhood, he said, eyes 262 00:15:52.919 --> 00:15:56.720 locked to the screen, nothing special, don't worry about it. 263 00:15:57.720 --> 00:16:01.639 I thought about pushing making a joke about my secret identity, 264 00:16:02.039 --> 00:16:04.679 but the mood was sparse, and I let it drop. 265 00:16:05.639 --> 00:16:09.360 From there, something subtle warped in our routine. Mark's mood 266 00:16:09.480 --> 00:16:12.600 spun like a weather vane. One evening, he'd fall across 267 00:16:12.639 --> 00:16:16.320 the couch, legs tangled in mine, recounting his sprints or 268 00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:19.320 side stitches, inviting me to laugh at the way Jerry 269 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:22.720 once tripped over a dog on Monroe. The next he 270 00:16:22.759 --> 00:16:26.519 seemed distant, picking apart my plans with friends, or tossing 271 00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:29.399 out barbes about how I was never home any more. 272 00:16:30.519 --> 00:16:33.720 He complained my work's schedule was out of control, that 273 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:37.120 maybe he'd break his record for most solo takeout dinners 274 00:16:37.159 --> 00:16:41.000 this week. The criticisms were sharper than the old ribbing. 275 00:16:41.600 --> 00:16:45.120 I started second guessing my happy hour plans, not out 276 00:16:45.159 --> 00:16:49.440 of guilt exactly, but because the snappish comments lingered long 277 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:53.039 into the night. It was the Saturday in early July 278 00:16:53.480 --> 00:16:56.559 when Mark forgot his wallet that the coil of suspicion 279 00:16:56.679 --> 00:17:00.639 inside me tightened a little more. He'd texted from the 280 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:04.319 sidewalk half an hour after sunrise, Babe, can you run 281 00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:07.920 my wallet down? Flew out in a hurry, Thanks EXO. 282 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:12.000 When I fished through his worn brown bifled, a slip 283 00:17:12.039 --> 00:17:15.519 of paper caught my attention. Folded around a coffee house 284 00:17:15.559 --> 00:17:19.799 loyalty card. Was a narrow receipt printed in neat, looping handwriting, 285 00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:24.440 four M plus K, drawn with an extravagant heart after 286 00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:26.920 the cave, from a counter i'd never heard of in 287 00:17:26.960 --> 00:17:31.200 a leafy suburb, dated a week before the handwriting felt 288 00:17:31.319 --> 00:17:34.799 personal mark burst up the steps as I was still 289 00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:38.400 holding it. His face, sweat streaked, flushed, broke into a 290 00:17:38.440 --> 00:17:41.920 hasty grin. When I handed over the wallet and the receipt, 291 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:45.599 he barely glanced at it, muttered something about group stuff, 292 00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:48.279 and stuffed it away before ushering me out with a 293 00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:51.640 distracted nod. I let him go, but the seed of 294 00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:55.160 our knease pressed hard in my chest. That week, he 295 00:17:55.240 --> 00:17:57.880 began keeping his phone screened down on the side table 296 00:17:58.160 --> 00:18:01.160 the first time since we'd moved in. One night, I 297 00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:03.799 went to charge it and found it locked. The code 298 00:18:03.920 --> 00:18:06.759 the same since we'd met, must have changed. When I 299 00:18:06.799 --> 00:18:09.160 asked if his settings had glitched, he gave me a 300 00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:13.759 look I couldn't decipher equal parts tired and defiant, paranoid 301 00:18:13.880 --> 00:18:17.680 much he asked and turned away. He'd been spending more 302 00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:22.119 time in the bedroom, doors shut supposedly just decompressing works 303 00:18:22.119 --> 00:18:25.279 a nightmare right now. Some nights I could hear the 304 00:18:25.279 --> 00:18:28.279 buzz of notifications, but when I entered the room, he'd 305 00:18:28.279 --> 00:18:32.160 pocket his phone face blank. Then over dinner he'd swing 306 00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:36.200 the other way over the top, affectionate, acting out old jokes, 307 00:18:36.440 --> 00:18:39.519 pouring me a drink, or reading terrible news headlines in 308 00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:44.160 ridiculous voices. One Friday, I met his old college friends 309 00:18:44.359 --> 00:18:47.200 Owen and Drew at a dive bar in Lincoln Park, 310 00:18:47.519 --> 00:18:50.880 congratulating myself for finally making time for Mark's side of 311 00:18:50.920 --> 00:18:55.039 our social world. He's been ghosting us. Owen blurted, slapping 312 00:18:55.079 --> 00:18:57.519 down cards with a laugh. We thought you too were 313 00:18:57.519 --> 00:19:00.319 on some health kick and forgot how to party. When 314 00:19:00.359 --> 00:19:03.240 I asked if he'd joined their Sunday leagues lately, Drew 315 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:06.720 shook his head, confused, naw. Last time I saw Mark 316 00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:10.920 was what Memorial Day. Mark had told me just last 317 00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:14.079 week about a crazy hang out with them. My ears 318 00:19:14.160 --> 00:19:18.240 hummed as I nodded along. Maybe they'd forgotten, or maybe 319 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:21.039 Mark had needed an alibi for something. I pushed the 320 00:19:21.079 --> 00:19:24.880 thought away, swirling my drink so long my hand went numb. 321 00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:28.839 When I tried one Saturday to join Mark for his run, 322 00:19:28.880 --> 00:19:31.839 he recoiled. Can you not to day, he said, pulling 323 00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:34.599 his laces tight with hands a little too quick. It's 324 00:19:34.640 --> 00:19:38.000 an invite only thing, club policy. We do some interval 325 00:19:38.039 --> 00:19:41.279 work outside a slow down the pack. I could hear 326 00:19:41.319 --> 00:19:44.680 the sharpness in his tone, a defensive wall snapping up 327 00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:49.640 next race maybe he added, softening it a shade. Instead 328 00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:52.640 of arguing, I retreated to my brunch with Ivy and Tasher, 329 00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:55.519 telling myself not every shared hobby needed to be a 330 00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:59.599 marriage project. But I felt newly self conscious at brunch, 331 00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:03.240 I'm muddied details about Mark's big race, offering nothing in 332 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:07.119 particular about his schedule. Ivy's gaze lingered longer than usual, 333 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:11.079 her look a shade too. Knowing, Tasha leaned closer, voice 334 00:20:11.079 --> 00:20:14.039 pitched low as she asked, everything good with you? Guys, 335 00:20:14.440 --> 00:20:19.039 haven't seen him around much. Work's crazy, I parried, he's 336 00:20:19.079 --> 00:20:22.559 on this running kick. They exchanged a glance and I 337 00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:26.279 changed the subject, but their conversation washed out in my mind, 338 00:20:26.599 --> 00:20:29.759 the details slippery as fog. It was as if I'd 339 00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:33.039 broken a rule, one about pretending normalcy in front of 340 00:20:33.079 --> 00:20:37.559 people who care. Later, I scrolled through social media. The 341 00:20:37.640 --> 00:20:40.920 running group's Instagram was all cheery selfies and blurry team 342 00:20:41.000 --> 00:20:44.920 shots from dawn. Mark was conspicuously absent in most posts, 343 00:20:45.160 --> 00:20:48.680 but a woman named Kelsey mid thirties, short hair, bright 344 00:20:48.759 --> 00:20:51.839 coloured gear tagged him in stories with little running memes 345 00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:55.119 and private in jokes about sticker shock and Muz's legendary 346 00:20:55.160 --> 00:21:00.519 sprint fails. Sometimes Mark commented quick replies and emojis with 347 00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:03.440 strangers that would mean nothing, but I had never heard 348 00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:08.599 him mention Kelsey. His phone habits changed again, airplane mode 349 00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:12.279 for hours, or sudden unexplained trips to the shower with 350 00:21:12.359 --> 00:21:16.799 his phone cradled in a towel. One afternoon, I logged 351 00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:20.599 into our joint checking account to transfer grocery money. Over 352 00:21:20.640 --> 00:21:23.559 and over charges lit up from places I'd never heard of. 353 00:21:24.039 --> 00:21:27.480 Coffee at green Spoon cafe in a neighboring suburb, late 354 00:21:27.519 --> 00:21:29.960 meals at two different bars in neighborhoods not on the 355 00:21:30.039 --> 00:21:33.519 race circuit, charges for lift rides at odd hours, all 356 00:21:33.559 --> 00:21:37.759 on Saturdays or late Friday nights. The sums went suspicious 357 00:21:38.079 --> 00:21:42.799 six bucks fifteen twenty, but the pattern was Mark usually 358 00:21:42.880 --> 00:21:46.599 prided himself on no secret spending, a pledge he still 359 00:21:46.599 --> 00:21:49.640 made after his lay off the previous summer. Had the 360 00:21:49.720 --> 00:21:53.079 routine shifted so much? Or was I looking for pattens 361 00:21:53.119 --> 00:21:58.160 where none existed? The next Saturday, over eggs Benedict and Mises, 362 00:21:58.480 --> 00:22:01.039 I tried to snap out of the sight to listen 363 00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:04.359 as i'veyvented about a back stabbing project manager or as 364 00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:07.960 Tasha recounted a terrible date, most of my words shot 365 00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:12.200 out flat and artificial, my mind scanning for possible explanations 366 00:22:12.200 --> 00:22:16.000 for the envelopes of doubt. When conversation turned toward Mark, 367 00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:19.000 I waved it off. Were just missing each other a 368 00:22:19.039 --> 00:22:22.519 lot with work and fitness stuff, and found myself defensive 369 00:22:22.599 --> 00:22:27.559 over nothing. They drifted from curiosity into kindness, letting me 370 00:22:27.640 --> 00:22:30.799 set the limits. After that, I kept most of it 371 00:22:30.839 --> 00:22:34.960 to myself, the half theories, the creeping every night gut churn. 372 00:22:35.440 --> 00:22:38.799 I thought about texting Emma, the running group, Cafe Barista, 373 00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:42.440 or even snooping Mark's phone, But each time I pictured 374 00:22:42.440 --> 00:22:46.279 my own voice echoing back, sounding like a jealous stereotype, 375 00:22:46.640 --> 00:22:51.799 a wife inventing infidelities from innocent hiding places. I reminded 376 00:22:51.799 --> 00:22:55.160 myself of Mark's warmth our history, how much he'd helped 377 00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:58.920 me through my own secrets. Not every relationship needed to 378 00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:03.200 survive total tre tansparency to stay healthy. Yet each new 379 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:07.319 oddity made me flinch. For a while, I convinced myself 380 00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:10.680 the problem was mine. Was either one turning every day 381 00:23:10.759 --> 00:23:14.640 quirks into a full blown crisis. Was my insomnia causing 382 00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:17.200 me to jump at shadows. It was easier to be 383 00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:20.359 unsure in private than to learn how little any one 384 00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:24.839 else could reassure me. One week before our anniversary, I 385 00:23:24.880 --> 00:23:27.920 stood in the doorway of our bedroom, watching as Mark 386 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:32.000 finished folding a load of his running gear. You okay, 387 00:23:32.279 --> 00:23:36.240 I asked, careful to sound casual. You seem wound up lately. 388 00:23:37.240 --> 00:23:39.960 He glanced at me with the muted irritation of someone 389 00:23:40.039 --> 00:23:44.039 already moving on from a conversation. Just tired, he said, 390 00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:49.440 rubbing his forehead. Long week product launch Monday. Do you 391 00:23:49.480 --> 00:23:52.160 want to hang with Owen and Drew tonight? I offered, 392 00:23:52.519 --> 00:23:56.240 I can meet Ivy or just veg out. He shrugged, 393 00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:58.720 not in the mood. Just want to watch the game 394 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:03.000 alone for a chain, if that's okay. Minutes later I 395 00:24:03.039 --> 00:24:06.720 heard the lock snick. He'd left no explanation. When he 396 00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:10.200 finally returned. It was late, the apartment thick with the 397 00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:14.079 smell of rain soaked pavement. I kept my eyes closed, 398 00:24:14.319 --> 00:24:17.240 but listened to him shuffle through the kitchen, the fridge 399 00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:20.240 door hissing open and shut. The whisper of his phone's 400 00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:24.480 glass scrolled quickly in the next room. My worry became 401 00:24:24.519 --> 00:24:28.079