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<v Speaker 1>Section eighteen of WE featuring records thirty six and thirty seven.

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<v Speaker 1>This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in

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<v Speaker 1>the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please

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<v Speaker 1>visit LibriVox dot org. We by Yevgeny zem Yatten, translated

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<v Speaker 1>by Gregory Zilberg, Record thirty six Empty Pages the Christian God,

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<v Speaker 1>about my Mother. It is very strange that a kind

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<v Speaker 1>of empty white page should be left in my head.

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<v Speaker 1>How I walked there, How I waited? I remember I

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<v Speaker 1>had to wait. I know nothing about it. I remember

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<v Speaker 1>not a sound, not a face, not a gesture, as

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<v Speaker 1>if all communicating wars between me and the world were cut.

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<v Speaker 1>When I came to I found myself standing before him.

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<v Speaker 1>I feared to raise my eyes. I saw only his

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<v Speaker 1>enormous cast iron hands upon his knees. Those hands weighed

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<v Speaker 1>upon him, bending his knees with their weight. He was

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<v Speaker 1>slowly moving his fingers. His face was somewhere above, as

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<v Speaker 1>if in fog. And only because his voice came to

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<v Speaker 1>my ear from such a height. It did not roar

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<v Speaker 1>like thunder, It did not deafen me, but appeared to

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<v Speaker 1>be an ordinary human voice. Then you too, you the

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<v Speaker 1>builder of the integral, you whose lot it was to

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<v Speaker 1>become the greatest of all conquistadors, You whose name was

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<v Speaker 1>to have been at the head of a glorious new

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<v Speaker 1>chapter of the history of the United States. You blood

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<v Speaker 1>ran to my head, to my cheeks, and here again

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<v Speaker 1>a white page, only the pulsation in my temples, and

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<v Speaker 1>the heavy voice from above. But I remember not a word.

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<v Speaker 1>Only when he became silent, I came to and noticed

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<v Speaker 1>how his hand moved heavily, like a thousand pounds, and

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<v Speaker 1>crawled slowly. A finger threatened me, well, why are you silent?

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<v Speaker 1>Is it true or not? Executioner? So so I repeated submissively,

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<v Speaker 1>And then I clearly heard every word of his Well,

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<v Speaker 1>then do you think I am afraid of the word?

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<v Speaker 1>Did you ever try to take off its shell and

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<v Speaker 1>look into its inner meeting? I shall tell you remember

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<v Speaker 1>a blue hill, a crowd across. Some up on the hill,

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<v Speaker 1>sprinkled with blood, are busy kneeling a body to the cross.

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<v Speaker 1>Others below, sprinkled with tears, are gazing upward. Does it

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<v Speaker 1>not seem to you that the part which those above

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<v Speaker 1>must play is more difficult? The most important part if

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<v Speaker 1>it were not for them, how could that magnificent tragedy

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<v Speaker 1>ever have been staged? True, they were hissed by the

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<v Speaker 1>dark crowd. But for that the author of the tragedy,

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<v Speaker 1>God should have remunerated them more liberally, should he not?

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<v Speaker 1>And the Christian most clement God himself, who burnt on

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<v Speaker 1>a slow fire all the infidels, is he not an executioner?

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<v Speaker 1>Was the number of those burned by the Christians less

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<v Speaker 1>than the number of burned Christians? Yet you must understand this.

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<v Speaker 1>Yet this God was for centuries glorified as the God

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<v Speaker 1>of love absurd? Oh, no, just the contrary. It is

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<v Speaker 1>rather a patent for the imperishable wisdom of man, written

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<v Speaker 1>in blood. Even at the time when he still was

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<v Speaker 1>a wild and hairy man, knew that real algebraic love

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<v Speaker 1>for humanity must inevitably be inhuman, and that the inevitable

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<v Speaker 1>mark of the truth is cruelty, just as the inevitable

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<v Speaker 1>mark of fire is its property of causing the sensation

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<v Speaker 1>of burning. Could you show me a fire that would

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<v Speaker 1>not hurt? Well? Prove now your point? Proceed argue? How

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<v Speaker 1>could I argue? How could I argue? When those thoughts

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<v Speaker 1>were once mine? Though I was never able to dress

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<v Speaker 1>them in such a splendid tempered armor, I remained silent.

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<v Speaker 1>If your silence is intended to mean that you agree

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<v Speaker 1>with me, then let us talk as adults do after

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<v Speaker 1>the children have gone to bed. Let us talk to

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<v Speaker 1>the logical end. I ask, what was it that man

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<v Speaker 1>from his diaper age dreamed of, tormented himself for, prayed for.

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<v Speaker 1>He longed for that day when someone would tell him

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<v Speaker 1>what happiness is, and then would chain him to it.

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<v Speaker 1>What else are we doing now the ancient dream about

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<v Speaker 1>a paradise. Remember, there in paradise they know no desire anymore,

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<v Speaker 1>no pity, no love. There they are all blessed. An

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<v Speaker 1>operation has been performed on their center of fancy. That

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<v Speaker 1>is why they are all blessed angels, servants of God.

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<v Speaker 1>And now, at the very moment, when we have caught

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<v Speaker 1>up with that dream, when we hold it like this,

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<v Speaker 1>he clenched his hand so that if he had held

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<v Speaker 1>a stone in its sap would have run out. At

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<v Speaker 1>the moment when all that was left for us was

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<v Speaker 1>to adorn our prize and distribute it amongst all unequal pieces.

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<v Speaker 1>At that very moment, you you the cast iron roar

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<v Speaker 1>was suddenly broken off. I was as red as a

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<v Speaker 1>piece of iron on an anvil under the molding sledgehammer.

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<v Speaker 1>This seemed to have stopped for a second, hanging in air,

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<v Speaker 1>and I waited, waited, until suddenly, How old are you?

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<v Speaker 1>Thirty two, just double the age and as simple as

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<v Speaker 1>at sixteen? Listen? Is it possible that it really never

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<v Speaker 1>occurred to you that they we do not yet know

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<v Speaker 1>their names, But I am certain you will disclose them

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<v Speaker 1>to us. That they were interested in you only as

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<v Speaker 1>the builder of the integral, only in order to be

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<v Speaker 1>able through the use of you. Don't don't, I cried,

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<v Speaker 1>But it was like protecting yourself with your hands and

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<v Speaker 1>crying to a bullet. You may still be hearing your

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<v Speaker 1>own don't, but the bullet meanwhile has burned you through,

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<v Speaker 1>and writhing with pain, you were prostrated on the ground. Yes, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>the builder of the integral. Yes, yes. At once there

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<v Speaker 1>came back to me the angry face of you, with

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<v Speaker 1>twitching brick red gills. On that morning when both of

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<v Speaker 1>them I remember now clearly how I raised my eyes

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<v Speaker 1>and laughed. A Socrates like bald headed man was sitting

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<v Speaker 1>before me at small drops of sweat doted the bald

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<v Speaker 1>surface of his cranium. How simple, how magnificently trivial everything was,

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<v Speaker 1>how simple, almost to the point of being ridiculous. Laughter

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<v Speaker 1>was choking me and bursting forth in puffs. I covered

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<v Speaker 1>my mouth with my hand and rushed wildly out steps, wind, damp,

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<v Speaker 1>leaning fragments of light and faces, and while running no

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<v Speaker 1>only to see her, to see her once more, here again,

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<v Speaker 1>an empty white page. All I remember is feet, not people,

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<v Speaker 1>just feet, hundreds of feet, confused, stamping feet falling from

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<v Speaker 1>somewhere on the pavement, a heavy rain of feet, and

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<v Speaker 1>some cheerful, daring voice, and a shout that was probably

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<v Speaker 1>for me, Hey, hey, come here, come along with us. Afterward,

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<v Speaker 1>a deserted square, heavily overloaded with tense wind. In the

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<v Speaker 1>middle of the square, a dim, threatening mass, the machine

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<v Speaker 1>of the well doer, and a seemingly unexpected image arose

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<v Speaker 1>within me in response to the sight of the machine,

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<v Speaker 1>a snow white pillow, and on the pillow ahead, thrown

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<v Speaker 1>back and half close eyed in a sharp, sweet line

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<v Speaker 1>of teeth. All this remembered so absurdly, so terribly connected

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<v Speaker 1>with the machine. I know how connection has come about

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<v Speaker 1>but I do not yet want to see it, nor

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<v Speaker 1>to say it out loud. I don't want to, I

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<v Speaker 1>do not. I closed my eyes, sat down on the

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<v Speaker 1>steps which lead upwards to the machine. I must have

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<v Speaker 1>been running for My face was wet. From somewhere very

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<v Speaker 1>far away. Cries were coming, but nobody heard them. Nobody

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<v Speaker 1>heard me crying. Save me from it, Save me, if

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<v Speaker 1>only I had a mother, as the ancients had, My

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<v Speaker 1>mother mine for whom I should be, Not the builder

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<v Speaker 1>of the integral, and not D five thirty, not a

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<v Speaker 1>molecule of the United State, but merely a living human piece,

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<v Speaker 1>a piece of herself, a trampled, smothered, a cast off piece.

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<v Speaker 1>And though I were driving the nails into the cross,

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<v Speaker 1>or being nailed to it, perhaps it is the same.

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<v Speaker 1>She would hear what no one else could hear, her old,

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<v Speaker 1>grown together, wrinkled lips, Record thirty seven Infusorian Doomsday. Her room.

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<v Speaker 1>This morning, while we were in the refectory, a neighbor

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<v Speaker 1>to my left whispered to me in a frightened tone,

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<v Speaker 1>but why don't you eat? Don't you see they're looking

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<v Speaker 1>at you. I had to pluck up all my strength

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<v Speaker 1>to show a smile, I felt it like a crack

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<v Speaker 1>in my face. I smiled, and the borders of the

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<v Speaker 1>crack drew apart, wider and wider. It was quite painful.

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<v Speaker 1>What followed was this. No sooner had I lifted the

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<v Speaker 1>small cube of paste upon my fork, than my fork

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<v Speaker 1>jerked from my hand and tinkled against the plate, and

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<v Speaker 1>at once the tables, the walls, the plates, the air

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<v Speaker 1>even trembled and rang, and outside too, an enormous iron

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<v Speaker 1>round roar, reaching the sky, floating over heads and houses.

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<v Speaker 1>It died away in the distance, in small, hardly perceptible circles,

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<v Speaker 1>like those upon water. I saw faces instantaneously grow faded

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<v Speaker 1>and bleached. I saw moos filled with food suddenly motionless,

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<v Speaker 1>and forks hanging in air. Then everything became confused, jumped

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<v Speaker 1>off the centuries old tracks. Everybody jump up from his

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<v Speaker 1>place without singing the hem and confusedly in disorder, hastily finishing, chewing, choking,

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<v Speaker 1>grasping one another. They were asking what, what happened? What?

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<v Speaker 1>And the disorderly fragments of the machine, which was once

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<v Speaker 1>perfect and great, fell down in all directions, down the elevators,

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<v Speaker 1>down the stairs, stamping of feet, pieces of words, like

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<v Speaker 1>pieces of torn letters carried by the wind. The same

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<v Speaker 1>outpour from the neighboring houses. A minute later, the avenue

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<v Speaker 1>seemed like a drop of water under a microscope. The

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<v Speaker 1>infusoria locked up and the transparent glass like drop of

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<v Speaker 1>water were tossing around to the sides, up and down. Ah,

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<v Speaker 1>someone's triumphant voice. I saw the back of a neck

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<v Speaker 1>and a finger pointing to the sky. I remember very

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<v Speaker 1>distinctly a yellow, pinkish nail, and under the nail a

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<v Speaker 1>crescent crawling out, as if from under the horizon. The

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<v Speaker 1>finger was like a compass. All eyes were raised to

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<v Speaker 1>the sky. There, running away from an invisible pursuit, masses

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<v Speaker 1>of clouds rushing upon each other, and colored by the clouds.

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<v Speaker 1>The arrows of the Guardians, with their tubes like antennae,

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<v Speaker 1>were floating and farther to the west, something like. At first,

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<v Speaker 1>nobody could understand what it was, even I who knew

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<v Speaker 1>unfortunately more than the others. It was like a great

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<v Speaker 1>hive of black arrows swarming somewhere at an extraordinary height.

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<v Speaker 1>They looked like hardly noticeable, swiftly moving points nearer and nearer,

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<v Speaker 1>hoarse guttural sounds began to reach the earth, and finally

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<v Speaker 1>we saw birds just over our heads. They filled the

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<v Speaker 1>sky with their sharp, black, descending triangles. The stormy wind

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<v Speaker 1>drove them down, and they began to land on the cupolas,

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<v Speaker 1>on the roofs, poles and balconies. Ah ah, And the

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<v Speaker 1>triumphant back of the neck turned and I saw that

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<v Speaker 1>man with the protruding forehead. But it seemed that the title,

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<v Speaker 1>so to speak, was all that was left of him.

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<v Speaker 1>He seemed to have crawled out from under his forehead

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<v Speaker 1>and on his face. Around the eyes and lips, bunches

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<v Speaker 1>of rays were growing through the noise of the wind,

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<v Speaker 1>and wings and cawing. He cried to me, Do you realize?

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<v Speaker 1>Do you realize they have blown up the wall? The

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<v Speaker 1>wall has been blown up? Do you understand? Somewhere in

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<v Speaker 1>the background, figures with their heads drawn in were hastily

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<v Speaker 1>rushing by and into the houses in the middle of

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<v Speaker 1>the pavement. A mass of those who had been already

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<v Speaker 1>operated upon. They moved towards the west, Harry, bunches of

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<v Speaker 1>rays around lips and eyes. I grasped his hands, Tell

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<v Speaker 1>me where is she? Where is I? Three thirty? There

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<v Speaker 1>beyond the wall or I must do you hear me

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<v Speaker 1>at once? I cannot here, he shouted again, in a happy,

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<v Speaker 1>drunken voice, showing strong yellow teeth. Here in town, and

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<v Speaker 1>she is acting, Oh, we are doing great work. Who

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<v Speaker 1>are those we? Who am I? There were about fifty

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<v Speaker 1>around him, like him, They seem to have crawled out

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<v Speaker 1>from under their foreheads. They were loud, cheerful, strong toothed,

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<v Speaker 1>swallowing the stormy wind, and with their simple, not at

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<v Speaker 1>all terrible looking electrocuters. Where did they get them? They

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<v Speaker 1>started to the west towards the operated ones, encircling them,

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<v Speaker 1>keeping parallel to forty eighth Avenue, stumbling against the tightly

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<v Speaker 1>drawn ropes woven by the wind. I was running to

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<v Speaker 1>her What for? I do not know? I was stumbling

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<v Speaker 1>empty streets. The city seemed foreign, wild, filled with the ceaseless,

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<v Speaker 1>triumphant hubbub of birds. It seemed like the end of

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<v Speaker 1>the world, doomsday. Through the glass of the walls and

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<v Speaker 1>quite a few houses this cut into my mind. I

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<v Speaker 1>saw male and female numbers in shameless embraces, without curtains,

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<v Speaker 1>lowered without pink checks, in the middle of the day.

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<v Speaker 1>The house, her house, the door, ajar, the lobby, the

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<v Speaker 1>control desk all was empty. The elevator had stopped in

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<v Speaker 1>the middle of its shaft. I ran, panting up the

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<v Speaker 1>endless stairs. The corridor, like the spokes of wheel figures

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<v Speaker 1>on the doors dashed past my eyes. Three twenty three,

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<v Speaker 1>twenty six, three thirty I three thirty Through the glass wall.

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<v Speaker 1>Everything in her room was seemed to be upside down, confused, creased.

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<v Speaker 1>The table overturned its legs in the air like a beast.

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<v Speaker 1>The bed was absurdly placed away from the wall, obliquely

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<v Speaker 1>strewn over the floor fallen, trodden petals of the pink checks.

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<v Speaker 1>I bent over and picked up one to three of them.

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<v Speaker 1>All bore the name D five O three. I was

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<v Speaker 1>on all of them, drops of myself, of my molten

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<v Speaker 1>poured out self, and that was all that was left.

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<v Speaker 1>Somehow I felt they should not lie there on the

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<v Speaker 1>floor and be trodden upon. I gathered a handful of them,

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<v Speaker 1>put them on the table, and carefully smoothed them out,

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<v Speaker 1>glanced at them and laughed aloud. I never knew it before,

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<v Speaker 1>but now I know, and you too know, that laughter

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<v Speaker 1>may be of different colors. It is but a distant

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<v Speaker 1>echo of an explosion within us, maybe the echo of

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<v Speaker 1>a holiday red, blue and golden fireworks, or at times

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<v Speaker 1>it may represent pieces of human flesh exploded in the air.

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<v Speaker 1>I noticed an unfamiliar name on some of the pink checks.

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<v Speaker 1>I do not remember the figures, but I do remember

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<v Speaker 1>the letter F. I brushed the stubs from the table

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<v Speaker 1>to the floor, stepped on them on myself, stamped on

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<v Speaker 1>them with my heels, and went out. I sat in

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<v Speaker 1>the corridor on the window sill in front of her

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<v Speaker 1>door and waited long and stupidly. An old man appeared.

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<v Speaker 1>His face was like a pierced empty bladder with folds.

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<v Speaker 1>From beneath the punctures, something transparent was still slowly dripping slowly, vaguely,

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<v Speaker 1>I realized tears, and only when the old man was

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<v Speaker 1>quite far off, I came to and exclaimed, please listen,

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<v Speaker 1>do you know number I three thirty? The old man

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<v Speaker 1>turned around, waved his hand in despair, and stumbled farther away.

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<v Speaker 1>I returned home at dusk. On the west side. The

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<v Speaker 1>sky was twitching every second in a pale blue electric convulsion.

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<v Speaker 1>A subdued, heavy roar was proceeding from that direction. The

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<v Speaker 1>roofs were covered with black charred sticks, birds. I lay down,

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<v Speaker 1>and instantly, like a heavy beast, sleep came on and

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<v Speaker 1>stifled me. End of Section eighteen, read by sixty five

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<v Speaker 1>Tucks Roswell, Georgia, February twenty twenty three,