Speaker 1: Oh my god, you guys. Hi, Hi, what's up, besties?
Welcome back to Talking Schmidt. I have no idea if
this is gonna work or not. Bring this closer to me. Hi,
you guys, I need to get hi. Hello. Hi. Ah. Well, well, well,
welcome back to Talking Schmidt. You guys. I'm your host,
Brittany Schmidt, and listen, is everything still kind of fucked up?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I look like I'm in an interrogation room right now.
And the lighting is not right, and Mike was supposed
to be here today but he got busy and so
he isn't and I'm trying to just push through and
do the podcast and keep going. I'm not gonna let
little things like lighting get in the way of the podcast.
I am back, I am better, I'm feeling better. I'm
not mentally better. I have gone more insane in the
past two weeks than I've gone I'm not gonna say
in my life, because listen, Mama's had some crazy at times,
but I have gone cuckoo fucking nanners and I have
really showed mister Manhattan what a monster I can be.
I was like, Hi, you haven't met this personality. This
one's very spooky enjoy. Yeah, you guys, I've really, really,
really struggled with this move. And here's the thing that
I am grasping with. And I hope you guys, you
know what. I hope you guys are having a great
twenty twenty six. I hope your twenty twenty six is
off to a great motherfucking start. You know, I had
the audacity, I knew better, I had the audacity at
the end of last year to be like, twenty twenty
six is gonna be my year. I'm gonna move and
everything's gonna be perfect. Oh lo lol, you know a plan.
And God will laugh, God will motherfucking laugh. Like I
really thought this year I was gonna move, I was
gonna feel invigorated and excited and brand new, and I
was gonna be a brand new bitch. And I've just
been a bitch. Nothing new about that. Yeah, I've really
been struggling, and I I hope that your life is
going better than mine. My mental illness has come out
in full force, my mental illness. Excuse me, I need
a tissue. Not only did I get a tissue, but
I got an ollipop. Listen, Mike is gonna fucking spaz
because the lighting is so so wrong. Biggie's barking from
the other room. He wishes he could be here, but
he can't. My mental illness has come out in full force,
you guys. I have just been dressed, sing my little
demons up in Palm Beach florals and taking them for
a spin around the neighborhood. I have been losing my
mother fucking medulla. Listen to you, guys. The last podcast
episode was it kind of like gave you a glimpse
into what was going on. I'm going to do my
best to be the bigger person here and not go
absolutely fucking scorched earth on these people. Hang on, I
think I need to move the camera for I think
that's a little better. There we go. Sorry, Mike, you're
gonna have to punch in. It's in four K though.
Don't worry. Okay, I'm gonna do my best to be
a bigger person. I'm gonna do my best to rise
above it. But I want you guys all to know,
and this is I'm saying I'm gonna do my best
to rise above it because like there's still a chance
that litigation might happen. But I will just say this.
A different version of me would be going scorched mother
fucking earth right now. The things that we have uncovered
in this investigation into why our apartment looks like a
Sims house, Like remember when you were twelve and you
were playing Sims and you were like, I think a
couch could go here, and then another couch could go here,
and then a dining room table could go there, and
then that's what our fucking that's It's like twelve year
old me sitting on my nineteen ninety eight windows PC,
booting it up, tapping the side of it, logging onto R.
Let me build you a motherfucking Sims house, bitch. That's
what I live in right now. And I'm not gonna
go into the details of what a nightmare this has
been because, like I said, we don't know that it's
not gonna get nastier. So I'm just gonna motherfucking jail.
I'm gonna drink my lollipop, not sponsored by them, just
drinking it. They came out with these mini cans, a
little tiny orange creams. Are you fucking kidding me? You guys?
How cute is life? Anyway? I saw something on Instagram
that made me change my mind about my situation. It
wasn't all of my closest friends being like, hey, Brittany,
it's just furniture. Move on. Maybe don't throw yourself off
a fucking balcony because you have a couch you don't like.
And then at one point I said to mister Manhattan,
I was like, I think I should start drinking again.
I was like, I think it's time for me to relapse.
And he was like, oh, yeah, I think you should
go to an AA meeting. But I'm like, he's like,
what are you gonna be? Just like, you're just gonna
then just be drunk on an ugly couch, Like you don't.
You don't fix anything by drinking. And then I like,
I literally spent time looking at the study about how
your body regenerates on a cellular level every eight years.
Mister Manhattan didn't close the front door. Hang on a second.
This episode of Talking Schmidt is brought to you by
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And I will see you soon. Why did I say
I'll see you soon and thank me later is what
I meant to say. But I will also see you soon,
and that's a threat.
Speaker 2: Hi.
Speaker 1: I read a study about how your body regenerates on
a cellular level every eight years or seven years, and
then I was like, you know what, I haven't drank
alcohol in eight years. I mean, listen, I've had like
a sip of wine here, a sip of wine there,
but I have not like drank alcohol in eight years.
I was like, maybe I can start drinking again. Maybe
I can start drinking again. And he's like, maybe you
should go to it ayay, meaning So I did that
and I and I met some cutie little girls and
I'm trying to start to make friends and I'm doing
my best, but it's hard. Like I have good days
and I have bad days, you know. I had a
tarot card reading last week where I was like going
over my career and I was like, what is working?
What isn't working? And I was like, can we talk
about stand up comedy and whether or not I should
keep doing that? And she was like, you know what
I think right now you should give it a little break.
And the weight that came off of my shoulders, it
felt like a semi truck just reversed off of me.
I was like, oh, thank god. I have just been
feeling like I'm hitting a wall with it and it
just feels so exhausting and it's just taking from me.
And I don't feel like I'm that funny anymore. And
I'm not asking for you to tell me that I'm funny.
I'm not like I'm not you know, fishing for compliments here,
but just the actual grind of being on the road
is so exhausting, and coming up with new material every
year is so exhausting. I think when you give your
body time to pause, it's easier to create. And you know,
a great example of that for me was the pandemic.
Like during the pandemic, I wrote a book. And it's
because I didn't feel like everyone else was getting ahead
and I felt like there just wasn't pressure to do anything,
so I wanted to do something. And that was the
most fun I've ever had being creative in my life
was writing that book. I woul wake up at six am,
seven am, no alarm clock, excited to be awake, excited
to write, and I would write for four hours a
day and it was glorious. And so you know, I
think I need to figure out how to get back
to being creative without it killing me. And so I'm
going to keep the all the dates that I have
on the calendar, I'm going to keep. I'm not going
to cancel anything. I will be in London, Berlin and Amsterdam,
and listen, if you don't buy tickets, I won't be there.
That's the other thing I'm like, I'm not going to
run across the actual globe to make four people in
Berlin laugh, like that's not my journey. And I love
you all so much and I obviously want to see
you there and I hope you come. But if tickets
downee soon, I might cancel those dates. But the ones
that I won't cancel are the ones that got rescheduled
from earlier this year, the Nashville dates and the Raleig dates.
I'll be doing those. Those are in June. I'll be
on the road with Raina. That's not changing. But you
know what I think, emotionally, I need a little break.
I need a little reset. I can't keep running up
against the wall. And here's the thing. It would be different.
I was grinding like this and I was like making
so much money like some of these comedians do that
I would be like, all right, shut the fuck up,
bitch and go to work. It's just not worth it. It's
just not worth it for me right now. And I
have like other creative projects that I want to pour
my energy into. This podcast. I love this podcast. Even
though I look like I'm in a fucking detention hole
right now. I look like I'm in an interrogation room,
like I might have just killed somebody, and honestly, I might.
I'm on the edge. I'm a woman on the edge
right now, you guys. I am a woman on the
motherfucking edge. And I feel so bad for mister Manhattan
because he is really going through it with both of
my diseases, well all of my diseases. Alcoholism is the
first disease. I have depression, and while I decided disease
mental illness whatever, and OCD thinking, so I the OCD thinking.
And I don't know if any of you guys can
relate to this, but I have OCD thinking and it
will flare up, and it hasn't really flared up in
a while, but when it does flare up, it can
take me out at the fucking knees. And anyone who
has OCD thinking can relate to this, because you just
go on a loop, and you go on a loop
and you obsess and you look at all the details,
and then you think of more things, and then you
get more angry, and then every time you see something
new you get mad about it, and then every time
you think of something new, you get mad about it,
and then you wake up in the middle of the
night and you're like, and another thing, and I that's
where I've been living with this, this designer situation. You know,
some things have come to light about it, and I like, again,
I can't I can't really say it because I don't
know where we're gonna land with it. But like I
have been on a fucking loop, Like I'm just like
a hamster on a fucking wheel and I'm just like
going over the same points and I'm mad about the
same thing, and then I keep getting angry and it's
just like possessing me and I'm like a fucking demon,
and everyone wants to just move on. At the end
of the day, it's just furniture. There are bigger fish
to fry, Like our country is being run by a
fucking pedophile ring. I don't ever talk about politics. I'm
I just don't get into the weeds with that kind
of stuff. But this isn't about politics. This is about
this is like bipartisan, this is both parties. Like this
is the stuff that's coming out in the Epstein files
is actually making me sick. And like being in Palm
Beach where it all happened is like it's kind of crazy.
I just I just it's such an atrocity. It makes
me sick. I feel like the sickness I feel about it,
I feel in my spinal cord. I feel it everywhere
in my body. I feel so sad and so disgusted
and so like kind of I fucking knew it the
whole time, because I've never ever since I was young,
I just remember politics being so divisive, and I remember
my family members fighting about politics and they had, you know,
my mom's family were Democrats, my dad's a Republican. I
just remember people fighting about it early on, and I
was like, hey, guys, do you really think these bozos
give a fuck about you at all? And the way
that you're like willing to decimate like a very important
relationship because you have political differences, do you think these
people care about you at all? I guess we just
found out that they didn't. They didn't, they don't, they
never have, they never will. They're just like doing demonic,
weird shit, and they're all just like power hungry, fucking morons,
and I feel really lost, and I feel really I
just I just feel chattered about it, and I feel
like we're not mad enough. I feel like the US
government is like, yeah, okay, so you wanted to know,
and now you know that we were doing like weird
fucking shit, weird, horrible, objectively bad shit. And this is
why the conversation of abuse, and I've talked about it before,
abuse within family systems, abuse of miners, all of that shit.
There's never going to be big sweeping laws to protect
people from it. There's never going to be changes made
if the people at the top are the ones that
are the perpetrators. So I feel sick in my skin.
It makes my bones hurt, and I feel sick to
my stomach, and I just don't know that there's going
to be a solution. We're starting to see solutions and
people are starting to get punished in other countries, but
for whatever reason, in our country, they're like, yeah, we
did it, so what And that makes me like really sad.
So at the end of the day, my whole point
is that like me being I mean earth shatteringly upset
about what happened to my apartment, it's just fucking furniture.
And at the end of the day, I have a
beautiful home, I have a beautiful partner, I have a
healthy dog. I'm healthy, my dad's healthy, my sister's healthy,
my family good. Like I have so much to be
grateful for. And so what I've been trying to do
the last couple of days, and by that I mean
like literally just today, just this morning, I started doing
a mindset shift where instead of waking up because what
was happening with my OCD thinking is I would wake
up and I would immediately be and like I'm gonna
fucking I'm gonna kill a bitch mode, And instead of
doing that, I got back to doing gratitudeless, which is
something that I used to do when I practice the
program more regularly. And my old sponsor actually called me
yesterday and she was just checking on me, and I
told her everything and she's like, why don't you start that?
Which is Shelton Wilder. She is a real estate agent.
She is a bad bitch. She is a sweetheart. But
I always called her positron like she kind of like
was too positive sometimes, where I'm like, are you paying
attention to anything? But like, no, she's choosing to be positive.
And that's why her life is so abundant and wonderful
and beautiful, and she's one of the most successful realtors
in La and she has a gorgeous family, and she's
healthy and she's smart, and she's because she's choosing to
focus on the good. She knows everything the rest of us. Now.
She's aware that the world is a dark place and
there's bad shit happening, but she's not focusing on that.
And I think wherever you put your focus is how
you feel, and that is true. So like this morning,
I woke up and I decided, Okay, I'm going to
make a gratitude list, and I did and I felt better.
And I didn't do that yesterday. I forgot to meditate. Yesterday,
I didn't do any sort of gratitude list. I was
stewing in emotion. And I feel so bad because like,
part of living with someone else is sharing the space,
and when you share the space, you share the energy.
So when mister Manhattan's in a bad mood, I absorb that,
and when I'm in a bad mood, he absorbs that.
So yesterday he's like, you're making it really hard for
me to enjoy Palm Beach when you're sitting in like
locked in the bedroom, crying all day, and you know,
it's really hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand depression,
because I am clinically depressed and I have finally accepted
that about myself. And is it great? No, it's fucking not.
But the nice thing about being depressed when you live
alone is you can be depressed by yourself. You can
be depressed alone and nobody has to witness it, like
it's just it's just you get to move through those
emotions by yourself. But like when I'm here, living with
someone else again is challenging because in the times that
I just want to crawl into a hole and die
and like eat a pint of ice cream and gummy
bears and masturbate until I can't fucking feel my clit anymore,
which I can't feel anyway, because I'm not fucking likes
like in the times I want to do that, I can't.
And so I am readjusting to living with a partner,
which is a process and it's a change. And I
do feel bad for bringing him down with me, and
my inability to emotionally recover from the design incident, we'll
just call it, has really tampered both not tampered, it's
really fucked with both of our ability to just settle
down here. So, yeah, I'm not doing great, but I'm
doing better, you know, Like I'm i am dli fucking
batshit insane, I'm crazy. I'm a crazy bit right now.
I'm crazier than I've been. I am unwell, I'm popping
off on hose. Let me tell you what. Like I
made a post joking kind of like the lunar New
Year is a great time to like shed things that
don't serve you, And what didn't serve me was kindness.
So like wrath is fucking back and like will this
be forever? No, But there's a little part of me
that feels really good just fucking giving it to, sticking
it to the man. Like there's there's a part of
me that's so healed and wants to deal with people
always and be so kind and be so nice, even
if they're being horrible to me. I always want to
be nice, and I always especially when people are struggling
with their own problems. It's like mental illness or whatever
it is. I always try and be so kind and
handle people delicately. But when I get pushed to a
certain point, I fucking bite and the dog has been biting,
I'll tell you what the dog's been biting, because a
few people have motherfucking pushed me in the past two
weeks and us outside of this whole situation that you
guys already know about, like a few people have come,
you know, come for me, and I'm like, I'm done.
I'm done here. I'm popping off on hose and I'm
blocking them. And That's what I'm doing, and it feels good.
It feels good to finally stop placating to someone's mental
illness and just pop the fuck off. Say what you've
been thinking the whole time, say what you've been saying
behind their back, and then block them because every once
in a while you just got to be done with
a hoe whoom. Mama's doing great today. But yeah, I've been,
you know, I've been constantly. I've been in fight or
flight and like so many of my my all my
old shit is coming up and it's like I've said
it before, I'll say it again. I'll say it until
I fucking die. Like how many times do I have
to work on the same exact wound until it goes away?
When will it heal? I've been throwing a band aid
on that bitch I want it to go away. Fight
or flight is it's coming back, and I'm not. I've
been fighting a little bit, but I've really been like
mentally flight because I'm just like, can I say here,
should I move? Should I leave? And here's the thing.
Everywhere you go, there you are. So even if I
went to New York City and I got an apartment
there and I could work there, and I could do
stand up there, and I could have a job there
and I could have a podcast studio there where I
don't look like I'm in a fucking interrogation room. At
the end of the day, even if I go to
New York, I'm still in New York. The problem is
within me. It's not around me. The issues that I'm
having right now are spiritual and I have to work
on them in the ways that I know how. I
found a new therapist. I love my old therapist. I'll
continue to talk to my old therapist. She will always
be a part of my life. But I need like
a therapist boots on the ground. So I found a
therapist here, and I, you know, found some support groups here,
and I'm trying to make friends and meet people and
go out and do stuff and take myself out of
my comfort zone. I'm doing my mother fucking best. I
will say one thing I didn't expect and I should
have expected, but I didn't expect is how expensive everything
is here. Everything's expensive everywhere. We know that, like the
inflation's through the roof, banana pancakes, whatever. But I'm going
to a plates class today and it's seventy dollars. I
was like, in what world? What world are we living in?
Are we living in a simulation? Like why is it
seventy dollars? And shouldn't be seventy dollars? Okay, but yeah,
that's kind of where I'm at. I'm homesick, I feel
I think, I don't know if homesick is the right
word for it, because I did want to move out
of La, and I did want this next chapter. I
think just being displaced in the way that I've been
has made it really hard to ad so I naturally
want to run back to what I know and think
think is safe, safer, you know, I don't hang on.
Mike is gonna have to bunch this. I just yeah,
I'm homesick. I miss La. I won't be running away,
I won't be getting a new place I won't be
you know. I was like, I got here and I
was like, I think I need to go get a
place in New York. And that's just like me trying
to like run away from my problems. But another thing
I do, another fun thing I do that mister Manhattan
is just getting used to. When I need love, I
push people away, Like when I really just need a
fucking hug, I'll be mean. I'm like a like a
rabid kitten in the corner of a wood shed, you know,
Like I'm just like but like I really just need
a hug, and I'll be like like hissing and biting
and snapping and scratching, but I really just need a hug.
And so I when I was talking to my therapist,
not my new one, my old one, I have been
getting as much support as I can get. When I
was talking to her, she said, you know, this move
is hard enough, and it's hard for both of you.
It's not just hard for you. And she's like, I
think what you really need right now is a partner,
and you need to tell him that you need love
because this is you know, he's new to your mental
illness and living with you and being with you, and
he might not understand, like, you know, when he's feeling
pushed away, he might just leave. She's just like, how
do you feel when you feel pushed away? And I'm like, yeah,
I want to run away, Like I'm on the next
flight out of town. I will drive my Tesla until
the battery runs out, Like I'll drive it into the
fucking ocean. Like I'm like, if he gives me like
one inkling of not being wanted, I'm like, well then
I'll just like move to a Aruba, you know, Like
I'm just not great. I'm not great, that's all. I'm
not great. I'm as good as I can be. I'm
doing my best, and that's really not that good. I'm
not that good of a person. And I just I
actually saw something online. Hang out, let me pull it up.
I saw something online about people who claim to be good,
good people and like them having the darkest shadows and
the most dissonance between hang on, I know. I sent
it to I sent it to Mike because Mike was
supposed to be here today and I was like, I
want to talk about this on the podcast. I have
a couple things in here. I want to talk about
this well, first of all, we don't need the music. Paradoxically,
the people who see themselves as the most moral or
good often carry the largest repressed shadows. The shadow refers
to the parts of ourselves we've learned to deny or disown,
qualities like anger, selfishness, envy, or even harm. When someone
builds an idealized image of themselves, anything that contradicts that
becomes threatening, so those traits are repressed instead of integrated.
People with rigid, idealized self concepts tend to have less
psychological flexibility. They struggle to tolerate mistakes, nuance, and contradiction
within themselves. As a result, well, they minimize, deny responsibility
and struggle to empathize because acknowledging another person's pain would
feel like an attack on their idealized identity. This is
why people with more nuanced self concept are often more
compassionate and grounded. They know they are capable of both
good and bad, and they don't need to protect an
image at all costs. When you can hold your own complexity,
you paradoxically become more genuinely good. Okay, so I'm not
saying I'm more genuinely good because I think I'm a
bad person. I actually just think I'm not that great,
Like I actually just like look at myself, and I'm like,
am I doing my best? Yes? But as my best good?
I don't think so, Like I really I don't think so.
And I think it's so interesting because I've had so
many people in my life that like consider themselves good
and moral and kind and wise and dut Da da
and Dutta and they're like the nastiest fuckers I've ever met.
I'm like, the shit you do behind closed doors, Like
if people actually knew who the fuck they that you were,
they would run for the motherfucking hills. But they just
do such a good job of putting on And it's
probably because of the business I'm in. I'm on show business, baby.
They do such a good job of putting on this
face of like the facade of like this is who
I want the world to believe that I am, and
they will do anything at any cost to protect that.
And when the mask slips and the world sees it,
they still deny it. And it is a really really
interesting dedication to being good instead of just being who
the fuck you are, which is an imperfect person. And
I really genuinely think most people are doing their best.
I don't think a lot of people are genuinely evil.
Now are there some? Obviously, like we just talked about
it earlier, like what the fuck's going on? There's some
genuinely bad motherfuckers in this world that aren't gonna get
another chance, and they're gonna just have to deal with
They're just gonna have to deal with that because, like listen,
Karma's a bigger bitch, and I could be. I could
ever be, and like, Karma doesn't miss a fucking doorstep.
So if you think bad people get away withh it,
just know that they don't. Anytime I've done something that
I'm like, oh, shouldn't have done that, in some way,
it comes back to me so quick. I used to
have this thing happen to me that anytime I judge somebody,
like I mentally like felt myself judging them for something,
I would get it like I it was like it
was instant. I remember there was this basketball player I
used to talk to and he had backne and I
was like, oh, disgusting you backnee, Like well, and I
I like made fun of him for it, and then
I'm not kidding you. I think eight months later, I
never had a pimple on my back in my entire life.
I had backne so bad. I had it so bad
that I had to get on acutane, which is like
lethal shit. By the way, if you have bagne, if
you have any issues with breakouts, or get on fucking acutane.
But it is like hardcore drugs that you have to
take to correct it. But it's like, it was just
I've had that happen so many times in my life before,
where like the little there's just a little, I hear myself,
I feel myself judge someone and then that thing happens
to me and I'm like, ooh, karma quick, she is swift.
So I am doing my best to not judge people
as they navigate this life and how they choose to
do so. But man, it's been hard lately. Man it's
been hard, and I honestly I don't expect the same
in return. I don't expect people to not judge me.
I expect people to judge me. I do some crazy,
fucked up shit sometimes, so go ahead and judge me.
But I'm just I am just doing my I'm just
a girl and I'm just doing my best and I
just need a little love right now. But anyway, Yeah,
I had to tell mister Manhattan. I was like, when
I'm like biting and being mean and telling you I
want to move, I just really need you to like
throw your body weight on me and hug me and
give me. I call it barnacles. I do barnacles when
I'm like I just need love and I just like
kee suction to him, I'm like, can I have a barnacle?
And I think we both really need love right now,
because I think this move has been hard for both
of us, and I've been taking all the fucking oxygen
out of the room with how I've been handling it,
So I really just do. I've grown to love him
more and admire him more for his ability to be
calm in my storm, because my storm was a borrow
window and I can be very spooky and the lightning
is very loud, so his ability to be calm has
been really, really wonderful. But yeah, I I don't know
how long I've been going, and I don't know where Mike.
You know, there's no mic Oh. I can look at
this twenty nine minutes I have twenty nine more minutes
to go. Okay, So another thing I want to talk
to you guys about. Hang on a second, because I
also sent it to me. You guys, wait, I have
to tell you this. This is so funny. We want
a car. This is this is wild. So we just
checked our mail for the first time like two days ago,
because we didn't even know where our mail was. And
when we checked our mailbox, we opened up this this
mail and it was like a contest, you know, and
they're like, one person is going to win this Lexus,
this new twenty twenty six Lexus, and so mister Manhattan
opened it and he's like, oh, we won a thousand bucks.
And I looked at it because it was like the
other prizes were like three thousand dollars, one thousand dollars.
And I looked at it and he had like misread
the symbols and it was like actually the car that
we won. And I was like, oh my god, we
want a fucking car. And he's like this has got
to be a scam. Whatever. So I ended up calling
and talking to the dealership and they're like, you won
the car, but the window for when you were able
to pick it up ended January in January, so we
didn't get the car, and you know what, and that
is how my life has been going. It's like, you
win a car, No you don't, No, you actually you
actually fucking don't. Nobody wins a fucking car. It's never
that easy. It's never that good. Yeah. But basically, we
would have just had to pay like the insurance and
title fees and whatever else, and we would have won
a brand Ney Alexis, which would have been fucking sick
because we're just sharing my Tesla right now and we
do need a new car and we're probably gonna buy
another one soon. But it would have been really cool
if we would have actually just won the car, if
we actually would have checked our mail. Well, here's the
other thing. We weren't here anyway. We didn't get here
till February first, so no matter what, we wouldn't have
got it. But if we had checked our meal, we
would have won a car. So that's kind of neat.
That's not what I wanted to tell you though. Okay,
so there's this ted talk going around and I want
you guys to listen to this.
Speaker 2: Like this beautiful woman, Sophie Grayden sadly died by suicide.
Now Sophie's to the College Europe revealed that she had
a blood alcohol reading of two hundred and one milligrams
per one hundred militers, which is about three times the
legal driving limit, and she had also taken cocaine. So
when us of Sophie's death broke, much of the narrative
online focused on the mental toll that Reality TV can
take on its contestants. And while this information was crucial,
equally important things were missing from the dialogue. So it
was the same just one year later when fellow contestant
Mike Selista similarly died by suicide, and Mike also had
alcohol and cocaine.
Speaker 1: In his system.
Speaker 2: So did you know that the twenty four hour period
following alcohol consumption is associated with the sevenfold increase in
the risk for suicidal behavior, meaning the twenty four hours
after you drink you are seven times more likely to
act on suicidal thoughts. And when you combine an alcohol
with cocaine, you create a whole new substance which is
called coca ethylene, and the risk for suicide for this
is sixteenfold. In twenty eighteen, the same year that I
got sober.
Speaker 1: Okay, So that is a woman who did a head
talk and her name is sorry, I just like xed
out of it before. Her name is Milli Millie Gooch,
great name, Millie Gooch. So she's talking about when she
got sober and just another woman who passed away in
the same year that she got sober, and and I
found this to be so interesting. So I want to
speak candidly as I always do, speak candidly, as I
literally never have no I'm just kidding about my experience
with cocaine, because I don't often talk about this, but
I will say I never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
once had a thought about suicide, had considered suicide even
thought it was on the fucking table, until I did cocaine.
So this woman is talking about coca ethylene, which is
is when you mix alcohol with cocaine, and what it
does to your brain chemistry, and how you have a
sixteen percent, sixteen times more chance of acting on a
suicidal thought when those two when those two are in
your body, when alcohol and cocaine are in your body,
And I just think that's really important information, and I
think it's something that we all should know and at
least if we're going to go out and you're gonna
party and you're gonna drink and do some coke, because
who's just doing coke? Who in their right mind is
just doing coke? I remember when I first got sober,
like I quit drinking alcohol, but I was like, I'm
still doing other drugs And I was in New York
City with my friend and he's like, Oh, I have
some coke. Do you want to do coke? And I
like went to the bathroom and I did coke, not
having anything in my system. And I was just like
like wide eyedn't absolutely fucking batshit insane off my rock
or like crazy town, Like I don't know who does
that or why they would do that, but anyway, if
you're doing coke just to do coke, like god bless,
I know a lot of people do, but that seems
absolutely insane to me. But I just think it's important
to understand what's happening in your body and you know,
like scientifically, why you feel the way you feel after
you do those combination of things. Because I remember when
I first started doing stand up, there was this wickedly
funny writer comedian. He's now like a huge producer. His
name's Bill Dixon, and he is savage. He is so so,
so fucking funny and smart. But I remember he would
talk about suicide in his set and or you know,
the thought of wanting to commit suicide, and my whole
body would like get tense, and I would just be like, what,
who actually thinks about that? Like? Who? Actually? I had
never had that thought a day in my life until
my mid twenties when I started doing cocaine. And cocaine
rewires your brain chemistry, and I've heard it from almost
everyone who's ever done it substantially. I know my mom
did a lot of cocaine, and she wouldn't say that directly,
but I know her adamance against us ever doing cocaine
suggested it fucked with her. And I remember reading the
Robin Williams biography and he said once, the thing he
wished he could undo the most is ever having started
doing cocaine. And I think it's just such a widely
known party drug and everyone's doing it, and God, I
wish we could really raise awareness about what it does
to our brain chemistry, because once it does that to
your brain chemistry, once it unlocks the door to the
basement and you go down those steps and you realize
all those dark thoughts and it's like you can come
back up from the basement, but you always know the
basements there and down in the basement is those those
those very dangerous thoughts of I don't want to be
here anymore, and those have been popping up for me again.
And I know a lot of you guys, I mean,
I've seen comments being like, we don't want to hear
about this. This is like my honest journey with my life.
I am medicated, I am fine, I am going through it.
And unfortunately, when I'm going through it, like I'm the
kind of person like when I'm before I was medicated,
I was like, I've go grocery shopping today, shul I
go grocery shopping, try to fucking yat myself off a balcony,
you know what I mean. Like it was like the
tiniest minorist inconvenience would most mine are not minorist inconvenience,
would make me just be like I should just get
out of here, you know, as like you know, all
of my problems would be solved if I was just
in a fucking canister on someone's mantle, like I just
don't I just don't need to be here. But like, truly,
my brain chemistry changed so severely after doing after starting cocaine,
and I didn't I got very lucky. I didn't start
doing that drug until like well into my move to LA.
I I guess my mom scared me enough through college
that when I was offered it, I maybe did it
like once or twice, But I really didn't do cocaine
in any serious capacity until I moved to LA And
then I dated a guy who I was for sure,
like for certain was gay. That's a whole nother story.
But I dated this guy who was like a full
functioning coke addict and he had big jobs and he
was on cocaine twenty four to seven, and so dating him,
I partook in that twenty four to seven. And after
that year, I think that year was twenty thirteen or
twenty fourteen, my brain changed forever. And I don't even
know why I'm saying this now. I just think it's
so important for the information to be out there that like,
if you want to do those things, party on garth, like,
I'm never going to tell you not to. We're humans,
with free will. And I think even if I'm sitting
here being like, God, I wish I didn't do that,
it doesn't mean that you're not going to do that.
But I just want everyone to have the information. So
if you're doing if you are still drinking and doing drugs,
that's okay. I just want you to understand that the
next day, when you are going through withdrawals and you're
having horrible thoughts and you're kind of you know, it's
the anxiety that turns into something much scarier and much bigger.
I just want you to understand scientifically what's going on
in your body and that you don't want to kill
yourself because you want to kill yourself. You want to
because of the toxicology in your body. That said, I
have no reason. I haven't been doing I haven't been
drinking and doing code. I've just been having those thoughts.
I'm like, well, it's a beautiful day to yeat myself.
Uh No, you guys, I won't actually ever do it.
I won't. I won't. I won't. I just saw the
ripple effect of pain it caused my family when my
mom did what she did, And you know, I am
very cognizant of my mental health. I think sort of
contrary to my mom. You know, my mom was in
denial of the fact she ever had anything wrong. Anytime
she was approached by anyone saying like, hey, you need help,
she would just attack their greatest weakness. She was great
at identifying anyone's greatest weakness. You know, for me, when
I was like, hey, you know, when her and I
stopped talking when we became estranged until her death, it
was because I had gotten that duy in Arizona, and
she went buck nasty on me, and I said, hey,
I need a mom right now, and I can't have
a relationship with you if you're just going to continue
to bully me. So if you're willing to go to therapy,
I will fly home and be there with you and
go to therapy with you. But if you can't do that,
then we can't have a relationship. And my mom and
I never spoke again because she just said, you're a
nasty little alcoholic. And you know, that's what she did
anytime anyone suggested she needed help, she kind of attacked
their greatest weakness and made them feel as bad as
as they could. So she would so they would stand
down on trying to enforce her getting any help that
she so desperately needed. So that brings me to my
next thing that I want to talk about, which is
I while I put stand up on a little baby
pause and I continued to podcast, I think I'm going
to try to write a book. It's going to be
completely different than the book I already wrote. I want
it to be similar to, but not exactly the same
as Jeanett mccurty's I'm Glad my Mom's Dead. And if
you haven't read Jeanete mccurty's book, I'm Glad my Mom's Dead.
So Jeannete mcurty. If you don't know who she was,
she was a child star. I think she did I
Carly or something. I didn't watch any of her work,
but she was a successful child star, and she wrote
a phenomenal book called I'm Glad my Mom's Dead, obviously
a shocking title, but also just a brilliantly written, well
executed excavation of the soul of what it's like growing
up with a difficult parent and how that sort of
shaped her whole life, as it does for all of us,
whether our parents are good or bad. They shape our
whole life. They shape exactly who we are. You know,
if your parents are bad, you spend your whole life
just being like, I don't want to be anything like them.
I'm never going to be anything like them. And then
one day you just look down at your hands and
you're like, I've got my mom's hands, and you look
at the way you're acting and you're like, and I've
got the fucking fire in my belly. And you know,
we all become our parents, unfortunately, and they do shape us,
you know, whether it's good or bad. Like my mom
has one hundred percent shaped me. If you would have
asked me ten years ago, I would have said, I'm
nothing like her. I will never be anything like her.
She has no friends, and she's unkind and she's cruel,
and she's this and she's that. The older I've gotten
and the more healing I've done, the more I'm proud
to be like my mom. The more I've understood her
and her journey and her battle, the more impressed I
am with how much grace she actually handled life with
given everything she went through. So I am going to
write a book and it's I'm telling you this I'm
saying this out loud because I want you, I need
you guys to hold me accountable. I need to get
this fucking thing done. It's something I've been wanting to
do for a while, but it is It's an upheaval
of the soul. It is reliving trauma, and it is
incredibly painful. But I think it's important. I think these
stories are important to be told, you know. And I'm
not doing it because I'm like, oh, it's going to
be a best seller. I don't know that. I you know,
whatever happens with it, happens with it. I don't care
if five copies are sold. I don't care if none
are sold. I just would like to get it done.
I would like to process the relationship that I had
with my mom, and I would like to process all
of the things I've learned about her post mortem, all
of the healing that I've done, all of the acceptance
that I've come to, all of the forgiveness, all of
the forgiveness that I've processed, everything, every part of it,
because I think the only way to get it out
of me is to get it out of me. You know,
something we do in recovery or I've done before. Is
like when you write something on paper, it's out of
your body. So I when I journal, you know, I'm
back to journaling again. I had like totally dropped off
for almost a year, and I'm back to journaling again
because I have to put pen to paper because I
need to process my emotions and my feelings. And once
they're on the paper, they're out of my body, like
and they're still within me, but they're not as strong
because they want somewhere else. And so that's what this is.
This I think is just putting a bow on the
relationship that I had with my mother on the you know,
just all of it. I just want to put a
bow on it. And I want to put a bow
on it, and I want to put it to bed,
and then I don't want that mother wound to rule
my life anymore. I want to move. I want to
move the fuck on. If I'm being very honest, and
if there's ever a world where I want to have children,
which you know, that's very much up in the air
and who knows, and it's not a priority for me
right now, which is crazy to say because I'm almost
thirty seven. So if it's not a priority. Now, it
might never be a priority, but if I do have kids,
I want to get all of this gunk out of
my system so that I can show up without my wounds.
Even if I don't have kids, I would like to
show up without my wounds because they've just been running
the motherfucking show. And so yeah, that's something I'm gonna
try and do. I'm gonna I'm gonna try and write
a book, and I hope I get it done. I
might not, but I might and that would be cool.
So yeah, I think that would be really nice for
me to do, especially since I'm living here, I'm out
of the city. I'm not doing stand up so much.
It's not I'm not quitting stand up, you guys. I
will be back. The bitch will be back. I'm gonna
take a meaningful pause. I'm gonna take just like a
protected pause to focus on myself and my energy and
my body and my health and my life and the
creativity that is feeding my soul rather than the creativity
that's soul sucking. So that that's where I'm at. I
I will keep going with this podcast. I love this
little podcast. I might be running around, I might be
running to LA or to New York to try and
get some guests on, because I really love having conversations
with friends. I think those are super meaningful. I would
love for you guys to DM me or leave in
the comment the types of guests that you want. I
know I've had a lot of comedians on. Those are
my friends. I love my friends. I love just kieking
with my friends. That's my favorite. U But like, do
we want therapists? Do we want sex and love people?
Do we want mental Like? Where do we want this
podcast to go? Because we're growing it together and I
want to hear what you guys want to hear. I've
had some feedback and I've taken it all to heart.
I really have. Someone said this podcast is unorganized, and
I don't disagree. I'm gonna be like so honest with
you guys. Having the network before Just Media, I don't
think I realized how much work they did and how
great they are, and how well they made us adhere
to a structure. When I am left my own accord,
I'm a little fast and loose. I am doing my
best to lock the fuck in. I am really really trying.
I love this little podcast and I just love you guys,
and I have so much fun with you guys every week,
and I'm so glad I get to do this. I
feel so grateful for you. So I just want to
say thank you for coming on this journey with me. Yeah,
hang on, my little Word of the Week book is
in the other room. Oh my god, Hi you guys. Sorry,
Mike's gonna kill me because he told me to plug
my camera in so I didn't die. And then I
didn't plug my camera in and then it died. So
this is why I'm not a real person without Mike.
I need Mike's hap. Okay, word of the week, you guys,
it's galvanized. Do you guys know what galvanized means galvanized
verb to arouse or summon to action. Literally, galvanization is
the process whereby something is stimulated by means of electric current.
The letter had a galvanizing effect on Marge. I have
been galvanized by the atrocities in my home. Okay, I'm
gonna stop talking about that. We're done with it. We're
moving on. We're going into like, let's shut it, let's
go into a new energy. Let's do a burning ritual tonight,
shall we start some shit on fire. Let it go,
let it burn, let it burn. Okay, If you guys
are in London, Berlin or Amsterdam between March twentieth and
twenty second, I need you guys to come to my shows.
Please buy tickets because if you don't buy tickets, I'm
not gonna do it. And that's okay. Maybe the Good
Lord does not want me to be there during those times.
I don't really know. UM. I also have completely fallen
off on badvice. If you guys want to DM me,
if you want any badvice, I'm so happy to give
it to you. I love interacting with you guys. I
want to do more of that. So if you guys
want to send me, send my DMS or or to
talk and Schmidt get the DMS going. I would love
to hear from you guys here. What's going on with
you guys? So many of you guys sent me love
after last week's episode, and I just want to say,
excuse me. I love you so much, and I love
this podcast, and I love meeting you guys when I
get to meet you, and I'm just really grateful for
this little community that we have. And next week I'll
be here I'll be here and I'll be happy and
I'll be healthy. I can't promise i'll be happy. What
is happy? Who's even happy? Is anyone even really happy?
I don't know people are in there, like, well, my
dream in life is to be happy? Is it your
fucking dream in life? To be happy? My dream in
life is to be at peace, to create things that
help people heal, and to be at peace in my home,
in my body, in my relationship, and in my mind.
So anyway, those are lofty goals. Haven't seen me at peace?
My have you? Okay? Well, Biggie wants to come back inside,
and I think it's time we wrap this episode up.
But I love you guys so much. I love you,
love you, love you besties, and I'll see you next
week