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Speaker 1: Oh my god, you guys. Hi, Hi, what's up, besties?

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Welcome back to Talking Schmidt. I have no idea if

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this is gonna work or not. Bring this closer to me. Hi,

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you guys, I need to get hi. Hello. Hi. Ah. Well, well, well,

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welcome back to Talking Schmidt. You guys. I'm your host,

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Brittany Schmidt, and listen, is everything still kind of fucked up?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I look like I'm in an interrogation room right now.

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And the lighting is not right, and Mike was supposed

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to be here today but he got busy and so

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he isn't and I'm trying to just push through and

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do the podcast and keep going. I'm not gonna let

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little things like lighting get in the way of the podcast.

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I am back, I am better, I'm feeling better. I'm

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not mentally better. I have gone more insane in the

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past two weeks than I've gone I'm not gonna say

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in my life, because listen, Mama's had some crazy at times,

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but I have gone cuckoo fucking nanners and I have

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really showed mister Manhattan what a monster I can be.

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I was like, Hi, you haven't met this personality. This

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one's very spooky enjoy. Yeah, you guys, I've really, really,

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really struggled with this move. And here's the thing that

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I am grasping with. And I hope you guys, you

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know what. I hope you guys are having a great

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twenty twenty six. I hope your twenty twenty six is

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off to a great motherfucking start. You know, I had

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the audacity, I knew better, I had the audacity at

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the end of last year to be like, twenty twenty

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six is gonna be my year. I'm gonna move and

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everything's gonna be perfect. Oh lo lol, you know a plan.

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And God will laugh, God will motherfucking laugh. Like I

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really thought this year I was gonna move, I was

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gonna feel invigorated and excited and brand new, and I

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was gonna be a brand new bitch. And I've just

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been a bitch. Nothing new about that. Yeah, I've really

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been struggling, and I I hope that your life is

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going better than mine. My mental illness has come out

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in full force, my mental illness. Excuse me, I need

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a tissue. Not only did I get a tissue, but

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I got an ollipop. Listen, Mike is gonna fucking spaz

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because the lighting is so so wrong. Biggie's barking from

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the other room. He wishes he could be here, but

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he can't. My mental illness has come out in full force,

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you guys. I have just been dressed, sing my little

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demons up in Palm Beach florals and taking them for

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a spin around the neighborhood. I have been losing my

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mother fucking medulla. Listen to you, guys. The last podcast

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episode was it kind of like gave you a glimpse

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into what was going on. I'm going to do my

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best to be the bigger person here and not go

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absolutely fucking scorched earth on these people. Hang on, I

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think I need to move the camera for I think

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that's a little better. There we go. Sorry, Mike, you're

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gonna have to punch in. It's in four K though.

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Don't worry. Okay, I'm gonna do my best to be

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a bigger person. I'm gonna do my best to rise

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above it. But I want you guys all to know,

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and this is I'm saying I'm gonna do my best

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to rise above it because like there's still a chance

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that litigation might happen. But I will just say this.

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A different version of me would be going scorched mother

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fucking earth right now. The things that we have uncovered

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in this investigation into why our apartment looks like a

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Sims house, Like remember when you were twelve and you

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were playing Sims and you were like, I think a

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couch could go here, and then another couch could go here,

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and then a dining room table could go there, and

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then that's what our fucking that's It's like twelve year

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old me sitting on my nineteen ninety eight windows PC,

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booting it up, tapping the side of it, logging onto R.

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Let me build you a motherfucking Sims house, bitch. That's

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what I live in right now. And I'm not gonna

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go into the details of what a nightmare this has

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been because, like I said, we don't know that it's

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not gonna get nastier. So I'm just gonna motherfucking jail.

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I'm gonna drink my lollipop, not sponsored by them, just

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drinking it. They came out with these mini cans, a

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little tiny orange creams. Are you fucking kidding me? You guys?

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How cute is life? Anyway? I saw something on Instagram

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that made me change my mind about my situation. It

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wasn't all of my closest friends being like, hey, Brittany,

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it's just furniture. Move on. Maybe don't throw yourself off

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a fucking balcony because you have a couch you don't like.

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And then at one point I said to mister Manhattan,

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I was like, I think I should start drinking again.

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I was like, I think it's time for me to relapse.

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And he was like, oh, yeah, I think you should

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go to an AA meeting. But I'm like, he's like,

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what are you gonna be? Just like, you're just gonna

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then just be drunk on an ugly couch, Like you don't.

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You don't fix anything by drinking. And then I like,

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I literally spent time looking at the study about how

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your body regenerates on a cellular level every eight years.

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Mister Manhattan didn't close the front door. Hang on a second.

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This episode of Talking Schmidt is brought to you by

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Berber hair Oil. You guys, I'm doing a Berber haroil

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treatment right now. Can you see? Can you see that

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I'm doing a Burber heroil treatment right now? It's like

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this little slickback look, and I've been doing it twice

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a week. I'm really treating this year like my new pandemic,

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and not in like the negative way. It's not like

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the world shut down. But because I have removed myself

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from functioning society and have put myself in a place

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where I don't know anybody or anything, I'm gonna focus

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on health, and one of the things that I want

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to focus on is my hair health. So I've been

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doing these hero treatments three times a week. I'm gonna

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try and get my hair back down to my booty

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because that's where I like it to be, Okay, and

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I had it there almost and then I got those

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fucking extensions and listen, we gotta let it go? Does

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this girl let things go? Not really? Uh? Did she

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like all of the fact that those extensions fucking rud life?

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Not really? But Burber haroil has helped me on this

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journey of regrowth and health, and I'm so excited to

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see where it goes. I'm gonna do it for a

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whole year. I'm probably not gonna color my hair this year,

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and I'm just gonna see what happens. So so I

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really want you guys to come on this journey with me.

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Let's make our hair as strong and healthy and long

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and beautiful as possible. Go to Burber dot com brbur

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guys are like struggling between what you should get, I

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think you should get the starter kit with two bottles

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of oil and then the Mermaid brush. Get the Mermaid brush.

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That's the best brush. The both brushes are great, but

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you know, if we're balling out a budget, just get one.

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The Mermaid brush is fantastic. That's what I use to

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get this back look today. So go to Burber dot com,

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your bur dot com use code Brit for fifteen percent off.

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And I will see you soon. Why did I say

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I'll see you soon and thank me later is what

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I meant to say. But I will also see you soon,

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and that's a threat.

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Speaker 2: Hi.

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Speaker 1: I read a study about how your body regenerates on

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a cellular level every eight years or seven years, and

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then I was like, you know what, I haven't drank

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alcohol in eight years. I mean, listen, I've had like

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a sip of wine here, a sip of wine there,

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but I have not like drank alcohol in eight years.

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I was like, maybe I can start drinking again. Maybe

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I can start drinking again. And he's like, maybe you

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should go to it ayay, meaning So I did that

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and I and I met some cutie little girls and

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I'm trying to start to make friends and I'm doing

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my best, but it's hard. Like I have good days

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and I have bad days, you know. I had a

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tarot card reading last week where I was like going

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over my career and I was like, what is working?

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What isn't working? And I was like, can we talk

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about stand up comedy and whether or not I should

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keep doing that? And she was like, you know what

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I think right now you should give it a little break.

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And the weight that came off of my shoulders, it

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felt like a semi truck just reversed off of me.

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I was like, oh, thank god. I have just been

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feeling like I'm hitting a wall with it and it

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just feels so exhausting and it's just taking from me.

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And I don't feel like I'm that funny anymore. And

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I'm not asking for you to tell me that I'm funny.

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I'm not like I'm not you know, fishing for compliments here,

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but just the actual grind of being on the road

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is so exhausting, and coming up with new material every

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year is so exhausting. I think when you give your

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body time to pause, it's easier to create. And you know,

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a great example of that for me was the pandemic.

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Like during the pandemic, I wrote a book. And it's

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because I didn't feel like everyone else was getting ahead

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and I felt like there just wasn't pressure to do anything,

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so I wanted to do something. And that was the

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most fun I've ever had being creative in my life

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was writing that book. I woul wake up at six am,

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seven am, no alarm clock, excited to be awake, excited

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to write, and I would write for four hours a

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day and it was glorious. And so you know, I

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think I need to figure out how to get back

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to being creative without it killing me. And so I'm

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going to keep the all the dates that I have

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on the calendar, I'm going to keep. I'm not going

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to cancel anything. I will be in London, Berlin and Amsterdam,

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and listen, if you don't buy tickets, I won't be there.

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That's the other thing I'm like, I'm not going to

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run across the actual globe to make four people in

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Berlin laugh, like that's not my journey. And I love

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you all so much and I obviously want to see

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you there and I hope you come. But if tickets

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downee soon, I might cancel those dates. But the ones

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that I won't cancel are the ones that got rescheduled

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from earlier this year, the Nashville dates and the Raleig dates.

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I'll be doing those. Those are in June. I'll be

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on the road with Raina. That's not changing. But you

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know what I think, emotionally, I need a little break.

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I need a little reset. I can't keep running up

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against the wall. And here's the thing. It would be different.

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I was grinding like this and I was like making

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so much money like some of these comedians do that

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I would be like, all right, shut the fuck up,

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bitch and go to work. It's just not worth it. It's

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just not worth it for me right now. And I

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have like other creative projects that I want to pour

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my energy into. This podcast. I love this podcast. Even

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though I look like I'm in a fucking detention hole

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right now. I look like I'm in an interrogation room,

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like I might have just killed somebody, and honestly, I might.

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I'm on the edge. I'm a woman on the edge

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right now, you guys. I am a woman on the

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motherfucking edge. And I feel so bad for mister Manhattan

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because he is really going through it with both of

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my diseases, well all of my diseases. Alcoholism is the

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first disease. I have depression, and while I decided disease

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mental illness whatever, and OCD thinking, so I the OCD thinking.

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And I don't know if any of you guys can

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relate to this, but I have OCD thinking and it

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will flare up, and it hasn't really flared up in

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a while, but when it does flare up, it can

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take me out at the fucking knees. And anyone who

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has OCD thinking can relate to this, because you just

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go on a loop, and you go on a loop

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and you obsess and you look at all the details,

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and then you think of more things, and then you

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get more angry, and then every time you see something

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new you get mad about it, and then every time

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you think of something new, you get mad about it,

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and then you wake up in the middle of the

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night and you're like, and another thing, and I that's

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where I've been living with this, this designer situation. You know,

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some things have come to light about it, and I like, again,

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I can't I can't really say it because I don't

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know where we're gonna land with it. But like I

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have been on a fucking loop, Like I'm just like

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a hamster on a fucking wheel and I'm just like

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going over the same points and I'm mad about the

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same thing, and then I keep getting angry and it's

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00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,120
just like possessing me and I'm like a fucking demon,

237
00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:09,240
and everyone wants to just move on. At the end

238
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,639
of the day, it's just furniture. There are bigger fish

239
00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:14,039
to fry, Like our country is being run by a

240
00:13:14,039 --> 00:13:18,919
fucking pedophile ring. I don't ever talk about politics. I'm

241
00:13:19,159 --> 00:13:21,399
I just don't get into the weeds with that kind

242
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,879
of stuff. But this isn't about politics. This is about

243
00:13:24,279 --> 00:13:27,200
this is like bipartisan, this is both parties. Like this

244
00:13:27,279 --> 00:13:30,720
is the stuff that's coming out in the Epstein files

245
00:13:30,879 --> 00:13:35,799
is actually making me sick. And like being in Palm

246
00:13:35,799 --> 00:13:39,639
Beach where it all happened is like it's kind of crazy.

247
00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:43,519
I just I just it's such an atrocity. It makes

248
00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:47,120
me sick. I feel like the sickness I feel about it,

249
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,600
I feel in my spinal cord. I feel it everywhere

250
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:54,159
in my body. I feel so sad and so disgusted

251
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,799
and so like kind of I fucking knew it the

252
00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:00,480
whole time, because I've never ever since I was young,

253
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,440
I just remember politics being so divisive, and I remember

254
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,600
my family members fighting about politics and they had, you know,

255
00:14:06,799 --> 00:14:09,399
my mom's family were Democrats, my dad's a Republican. I

256
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,679
just remember people fighting about it early on, and I

257
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,039
was like, hey, guys, do you really think these bozos

258
00:14:14,039 --> 00:14:15,720
give a fuck about you at all? And the way

259
00:14:15,759 --> 00:14:19,200
that you're like willing to decimate like a very important

260
00:14:19,279 --> 00:14:21,799
relationship because you have political differences, do you think these

261
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,480
people care about you at all? I guess we just

262
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,639
found out that they didn't. They didn't, they don't, they

263
00:14:27,679 --> 00:14:29,840
never have, they never will. They're just like doing demonic,

264
00:14:29,879 --> 00:14:34,679
weird shit, and they're all just like power hungry, fucking morons,

265
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:43,360
and I feel really lost, and I feel really I

266
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,840
just I just feel chattered about it, and I feel

267
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,840
like we're not mad enough. I feel like the US

268
00:14:48,919 --> 00:14:51,159
government is like, yeah, okay, so you wanted to know,

269
00:14:51,279 --> 00:14:53,480
and now you know that we were doing like weird

270
00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:57,600
fucking shit, weird, horrible, objectively bad shit. And this is

271
00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:03,080
why the conversation of abuse, and I've talked about it before,

272
00:15:03,159 --> 00:15:06,120
abuse within family systems, abuse of miners, all of that shit.

273
00:15:06,159 --> 00:15:09,960
There's never going to be big sweeping laws to protect

274
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,440
people from it. There's never going to be changes made

275
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,480
if the people at the top are the ones that

276
00:15:14,519 --> 00:15:19,360
are the perpetrators. So I feel sick in my skin.

277
00:15:20,159 --> 00:15:23,080
It makes my bones hurt, and I feel sick to

278
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,679
my stomach, and I just don't know that there's going

279
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,519
to be a solution. We're starting to see solutions and

280
00:15:28,559 --> 00:15:31,559
people are starting to get punished in other countries, but

281
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,480
for whatever reason, in our country, they're like, yeah, we

282
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:39,240
did it, so what And that makes me like really sad.

283
00:15:41,039 --> 00:15:42,759
So at the end of the day, my whole point

284
00:15:42,879 --> 00:15:47,399
is that like me being I mean earth shatteringly upset

285
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,240
about what happened to my apartment, it's just fucking furniture.

286
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,639
And at the end of the day, I have a

287
00:15:51,639 --> 00:15:54,720
beautiful home, I have a beautiful partner, I have a

288
00:15:54,759 --> 00:15:59,639
healthy dog. I'm healthy, my dad's healthy, my sister's healthy,

289
00:15:59,639 --> 00:16:01,559
my family good. Like I have so much to be

290
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,039
grateful for. And so what I've been trying to do

291
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,679
the last couple of days, and by that I mean

292
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,279
like literally just today, just this morning, I started doing

293
00:16:09,279 --> 00:16:12,720
a mindset shift where instead of waking up because what

294
00:16:12,759 --> 00:16:14,759
was happening with my OCD thinking is I would wake

295
00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:17,559
up and I would immediately be and like I'm gonna

296
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,879
fucking I'm gonna kill a bitch mode, And instead of

297
00:16:21,879 --> 00:16:24,200
doing that, I got back to doing gratitudeless, which is

298
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,919
something that I used to do when I practice the

299
00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:29,919
program more regularly. And my old sponsor actually called me

300
00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:31,879
yesterday and she was just checking on me, and I

301
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,720
told her everything and she's like, why don't you start that?

302
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:37,320
Which is Shelton Wilder. She is a real estate agent.

303
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,639
She is a bad bitch. She is a sweetheart. But

304
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,039
I always called her positron like she kind of like

305
00:16:43,639 --> 00:16:45,559
was too positive sometimes, where I'm like, are you paying

306
00:16:45,559 --> 00:16:48,679
attention to anything? But like, no, she's choosing to be positive.

307
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,679
And that's why her life is so abundant and wonderful

308
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,399
and beautiful, and she's one of the most successful realtors

309
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,879
in La and she has a gorgeous family, and she's

310
00:16:56,879 --> 00:17:00,480
healthy and she's smart, and she's because she's choosing to

311
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,679
focus on the good. She knows everything the rest of us. Now.

312
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,920
She's aware that the world is a dark place and

313
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,519
there's bad shit happening, but she's not focusing on that.

314
00:17:08,559 --> 00:17:10,599
And I think wherever you put your focus is how

315
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,680
you feel, and that is true. So like this morning,

316
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:16,839
I woke up and I decided, Okay, I'm going to

317
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:21,720
make a gratitude list, and I did and I felt better.

318
00:17:22,279 --> 00:17:25,079
And I didn't do that yesterday. I forgot to meditate. Yesterday,

319
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,599
I didn't do any sort of gratitude list. I was

320
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:33,200
stewing in emotion. And I feel so bad because like,

321
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:36,880
part of living with someone else is sharing the space,

322
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,960
and when you share the space, you share the energy.

323
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,400
So when mister Manhattan's in a bad mood, I absorb that,

324
00:17:42,799 --> 00:17:45,400
and when I'm in a bad mood, he absorbs that.

325
00:17:45,519 --> 00:17:47,680
So yesterday he's like, you're making it really hard for

326
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,720
me to enjoy Palm Beach when you're sitting in like

327
00:17:50,799 --> 00:17:54,279
locked in the bedroom, crying all day, and you know,

328
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,319
it's really hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand depression,

329
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:02,279
because I am clinically depressed and I have finally accepted

330
00:18:02,279 --> 00:18:06,119
that about myself. And is it great? No, it's fucking not.

331
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,240
But the nice thing about being depressed when you live

332
00:18:09,319 --> 00:18:13,559
alone is you can be depressed by yourself. You can

333
00:18:13,599 --> 00:18:18,680
be depressed alone and nobody has to witness it, like

334
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:22,400
it's just it's just you get to move through those

335
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,400
emotions by yourself. But like when I'm here, living with

336
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,440
someone else again is challenging because in the times that

337
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,319
I just want to crawl into a hole and die

338
00:18:31,519 --> 00:18:34,400
and like eat a pint of ice cream and gummy

339
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:38,640
bears and masturbate until I can't fucking feel my clit anymore,

340
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,319
which I can't feel anyway, because I'm not fucking likes

341
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,200
like in the times I want to do that, I can't.

342
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,839
And so I am readjusting to living with a partner,

343
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,799
which is a process and it's a change. And I

344
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,000
do feel bad for bringing him down with me, and

345
00:18:53,319 --> 00:18:58,599
my inability to emotionally recover from the design incident, we'll

346
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:04,680
just call it, has really tampered both not tampered, it's

347
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,680
really fucked with both of our ability to just settle

348
00:19:07,759 --> 00:19:12,960
down here. So, yeah, I'm not doing great, but I'm

349
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:17,000
doing better, you know, Like I'm i am dli fucking

350
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,440
batshit insane, I'm crazy. I'm a crazy bit right now.

351
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,759
I'm crazier than I've been. I am unwell, I'm popping

352
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:27,119
off on hose. Let me tell you what. Like I

353
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,440
made a post joking kind of like the lunar New

354
00:19:31,519 --> 00:19:33,559
Year is a great time to like shed things that

355
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,920
don't serve you, And what didn't serve me was kindness.

356
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,559
So like wrath is fucking back and like will this

357
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,599
be forever? No, But there's a little part of me

358
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,480
that feels really good just fucking giving it to, sticking

359
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,119
it to the man. Like there's there's a part of

360
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,799
me that's so healed and wants to deal with people

361
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,160
always and be so kind and be so nice, even

362
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,519
if they're being horrible to me. I always want to

363
00:19:55,559 --> 00:19:59,000
be nice, and I always especially when people are struggling

364
00:19:59,039 --> 00:20:02,000
with their own problems. It's like mental illness or whatever

365
00:20:02,039 --> 00:20:03,839
it is. I always try and be so kind and

366
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,599
handle people delicately. But when I get pushed to a

367
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:10,720
certain point, I fucking bite and the dog has been biting,

368
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,039
I'll tell you what the dog's been biting, because a

369
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,400
few people have motherfucking pushed me in the past two

370
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,680
weeks and us outside of this whole situation that you

371
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:21,720
guys already know about, like a few people have come,

372
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,799
you know, come for me, and I'm like, I'm done.

373
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,240
I'm done here. I'm popping off on hose and I'm

374
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,920
blocking them. And That's what I'm doing, and it feels good.

375
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,680
It feels good to finally stop placating to someone's mental

376
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,319
illness and just pop the fuck off. Say what you've

377
00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:40,480
been thinking the whole time, say what you've been saying

378
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,599
behind their back, and then block them because every once

379
00:20:44,599 --> 00:20:45,839
in a while you just got to be done with

380
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:53,480
a hoe whoom. Mama's doing great today. But yeah, I've been,

381
00:20:53,759 --> 00:20:56,079
you know, I've been constantly. I've been in fight or

382
00:20:56,079 --> 00:21:00,880
flight and like so many of my my all my

383
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,279
old shit is coming up and it's like I've said

384
00:21:03,279 --> 00:21:05,000
it before, I'll say it again. I'll say it until

385
00:21:05,039 --> 00:21:06,680
I fucking die. Like how many times do I have

386
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,039
to work on the same exact wound until it goes away?

387
00:21:09,039 --> 00:21:11,519
When will it heal? I've been throwing a band aid

388
00:21:11,559 --> 00:21:13,720
on that bitch I want it to go away. Fight

389
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:17,359
or flight is it's coming back, and I'm not. I've

390
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,319
been fighting a little bit, but I've really been like

391
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:23,039
mentally flight because I'm just like, can I say here,

392
00:21:23,039 --> 00:21:25,000
should I move? Should I leave? And here's the thing.

393
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,279
Everywhere you go, there you are. So even if I

394
00:21:27,279 --> 00:21:29,000
went to New York City and I got an apartment

395
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:30,440
there and I could work there, and I could do

396
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:31,839
stand up there, and I could have a job there

397
00:21:31,839 --> 00:21:33,400
and I could have a podcast studio there where I

398
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,400
don't look like I'm in a fucking interrogation room. At

399
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,440
the end of the day, even if I go to

400
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,160
New York, I'm still in New York. The problem is

401
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:46,480
within me. It's not around me. The issues that I'm

402
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,279
having right now are spiritual and I have to work

403
00:21:50,319 --> 00:21:53,720
on them in the ways that I know how. I

404
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:58,039
found a new therapist. I love my old therapist. I'll

405
00:21:58,079 --> 00:21:59,960
continue to talk to my old therapist. She will always

406
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:01,400
be a part of my life. But I need like

407
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,640
a therapist boots on the ground. So I found a

408
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:09,759
therapist here, and I, you know, found some support groups here,

409
00:22:09,799 --> 00:22:12,319
and I'm trying to make friends and meet people and

410
00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:14,400
go out and do stuff and take myself out of

411
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,519
my comfort zone. I'm doing my mother fucking best. I

412
00:22:18,559 --> 00:22:20,680
will say one thing I didn't expect and I should

413
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,319
have expected, but I didn't expect is how expensive everything

414
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,880
is here. Everything's expensive everywhere. We know that, like the

415
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,119
inflation's through the roof, banana pancakes, whatever. But I'm going

416
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:34,039
to a plates class today and it's seventy dollars. I

417
00:22:34,079 --> 00:22:36,799
was like, in what world? What world are we living in?

418
00:22:36,839 --> 00:22:38,640
Are we living in a simulation? Like why is it

419
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:44,319
seventy dollars? And shouldn't be seventy dollars? Okay, but yeah,

420
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:48,559
that's kind of where I'm at. I'm homesick, I feel

421
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:51,759
I think, I don't know if homesick is the right

422
00:22:51,839 --> 00:22:53,599
word for it, because I did want to move out

423
00:22:53,599 --> 00:22:56,240
of La, and I did want this next chapter. I

424
00:22:56,279 --> 00:22:58,759
think just being displaced in the way that I've been

425
00:22:58,799 --> 00:23:01,640
has made it really hard to ad so I naturally

426
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,839
want to run back to what I know and think

427
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:10,319
think is safe, safer, you know, I don't hang on.

428
00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:12,920
Mike is gonna have to bunch this. I just yeah,

429
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:18,000
I'm homesick. I miss La. I won't be running away,

430
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,519
I won't be getting a new place I won't be

431
00:23:21,039 --> 00:23:22,200
you know. I was like, I got here and I

432
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:23,160
was like, I think I need to go get a

433
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,279
place in New York. And that's just like me trying

434
00:23:25,279 --> 00:23:27,759
to like run away from my problems. But another thing

435
00:23:27,799 --> 00:23:32,960
I do, another fun thing I do that mister Manhattan

436
00:23:33,039 --> 00:23:35,279
is just getting used to. When I need love, I

437
00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,599
push people away, Like when I really just need a

438
00:23:37,599 --> 00:23:41,160
fucking hug, I'll be mean. I'm like a like a

439
00:23:41,319 --> 00:23:44,240
rabid kitten in the corner of a wood shed, you know,

440
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:48,400
Like I'm just like but like I really just need

441
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,680
a hug, and I'll be like like hissing and biting

442
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:55,160
and snapping and scratching, but I really just need a hug.

443
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,839
And so I when I was talking to my therapist,

444
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,640
not my new one, my old one, I have been

445
00:24:00,839 --> 00:24:05,240
getting as much support as I can get. When I

446
00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:08,119
was talking to her, she said, you know, this move

447
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,319
is hard enough, and it's hard for both of you.

448
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,400
It's not just hard for you. And she's like, I

449
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,400
think what you really need right now is a partner,

450
00:24:15,039 --> 00:24:17,079
and you need to tell him that you need love

451
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,000
because this is you know, he's new to your mental

452
00:24:21,039 --> 00:24:23,519
illness and living with you and being with you, and

453
00:24:24,759 --> 00:24:27,000
he might not understand, like, you know, when he's feeling

454
00:24:27,079 --> 00:24:29,559
pushed away, he might just leave. She's just like, how

455
00:24:29,599 --> 00:24:32,359
do you feel when you feel pushed away? And I'm like, yeah,

456
00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:34,519
I want to run away, Like I'm on the next

457
00:24:34,519 --> 00:24:36,519
flight out of town. I will drive my Tesla until

458
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:38,400
the battery runs out, Like I'll drive it into the

459
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,799
fucking ocean. Like I'm like, if he gives me like

460
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,359
one inkling of not being wanted, I'm like, well then

461
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,079
I'll just like move to a Aruba, you know, Like

462
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:50,240
I'm just not great. I'm not great, that's all. I'm

463
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,119
not great. I'm as good as I can be. I'm

464
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,559
doing my best, and that's really not that good. I'm

465
00:24:55,559 --> 00:24:58,599
not that good of a person. And I just I

466
00:24:58,599 --> 00:25:01,000
actually saw something online. Hang out, let me pull it up.

467
00:25:01,039 --> 00:25:05,000
I saw something online about people who claim to be good,

468
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,720
good people and like them having the darkest shadows and

469
00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:11,640
the most dissonance between hang on, I know. I sent

470
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,880
it to I sent it to Mike because Mike was

471
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:15,880
supposed to be here today and I was like, I

472
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,160
want to talk about this on the podcast. I have

473
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,960
a couple things in here. I want to talk about

474
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:24,359
this well, first of all, we don't need the music. Paradoxically,

475
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,799
the people who see themselves as the most moral or

476
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:31,799
good often carry the largest repressed shadows. The shadow refers

477
00:25:31,839 --> 00:25:34,440
to the parts of ourselves we've learned to deny or disown,

478
00:25:34,559 --> 00:25:38,599
qualities like anger, selfishness, envy, or even harm. When someone

479
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,640
builds an idealized image of themselves, anything that contradicts that

480
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,400
becomes threatening, so those traits are repressed instead of integrated.

481
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:50,920
People with rigid, idealized self concepts tend to have less

482
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:57,599
psychological flexibility. They struggle to tolerate mistakes, nuance, and contradiction

483
00:25:57,839 --> 00:26:02,359
within themselves. As a result, well, they minimize, deny responsibility

484
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,720
and struggle to empathize because acknowledging another person's pain would

485
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,000
feel like an attack on their idealized identity. This is

486
00:26:09,039 --> 00:26:11,559
why people with more nuanced self concept are often more

487
00:26:11,599 --> 00:26:14,799
compassionate and grounded. They know they are capable of both

488
00:26:14,839 --> 00:26:17,079
good and bad, and they don't need to protect an

489
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:19,920
image at all costs. When you can hold your own complexity,

490
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,160
you paradoxically become more genuinely good. Okay, so I'm not

491
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,160
saying I'm more genuinely good because I think I'm a

492
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,599
bad person. I actually just think I'm not that great,

493
00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:30,519
Like I actually just like look at myself, and I'm like,

494
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,960
am I doing my best? Yes? But as my best good?

495
00:26:33,039 --> 00:26:36,000
I don't think so, Like I really I don't think so.

496
00:26:36,079 --> 00:26:37,759
And I think it's so interesting because I've had so

497
00:26:37,799 --> 00:26:40,400
many people in my life that like consider themselves good

498
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,079
and moral and kind and wise and dut Da da

499
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,079
and Dutta and they're like the nastiest fuckers I've ever met.

500
00:26:46,279 --> 00:26:48,039
I'm like, the shit you do behind closed doors, Like

501
00:26:48,039 --> 00:26:50,480
if people actually knew who the fuck they that you were,

502
00:26:51,039 --> 00:26:53,680
they would run for the motherfucking hills. But they just

503
00:26:53,759 --> 00:26:55,640
do such a good job of putting on And it's

504
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,680
probably because of the business I'm in. I'm on show business, baby.

505
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,440
They do such a good job of putting on this

506
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:08,160
face of like the facade of like this is who

507
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,920
I want the world to believe that I am, and

508
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,200
they will do anything at any cost to protect that.

509
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,920
And when the mask slips and the world sees it,

510
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,440
they still deny it. And it is a really really

511
00:27:21,599 --> 00:27:25,359
interesting dedication to being good instead of just being who

512
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,960
the fuck you are, which is an imperfect person. And

513
00:27:28,039 --> 00:27:31,000
I really genuinely think most people are doing their best.

514
00:27:31,039 --> 00:27:33,359
I don't think a lot of people are genuinely evil.

515
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,359
Now are there some? Obviously, like we just talked about

516
00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:39,039
it earlier, like what the fuck's going on? There's some

517
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:41,599
genuinely bad motherfuckers in this world that aren't gonna get

518
00:27:41,599 --> 00:27:43,480
another chance, and they're gonna just have to deal with

519
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,240
They're just gonna have to deal with that because, like listen,

520
00:27:47,559 --> 00:27:50,119
Karma's a bigger bitch, and I could be. I could

521
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,759
ever be, and like, Karma doesn't miss a fucking doorstep.

522
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,480
So if you think bad people get away withh it,

523
00:27:55,599 --> 00:27:58,599
just know that they don't. Anytime I've done something that

524
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,839
I'm like, oh, shouldn't have done that, in some way,

525
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,359
it comes back to me so quick. I used to

526
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:06,240
have this thing happen to me that anytime I judge somebody,

527
00:28:06,279 --> 00:28:08,920
like I mentally like felt myself judging them for something,

528
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:12,319
I would get it like I it was like it

529
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:16,240
was instant. I remember there was this basketball player I

530
00:28:16,319 --> 00:28:18,160
used to talk to and he had backne and I

531
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:22,079
was like, oh, disgusting you backnee, Like well, and I

532
00:28:22,079 --> 00:28:24,200
I like made fun of him for it, and then

533
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,440
I'm not kidding you. I think eight months later, I

534
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,599
never had a pimple on my back in my entire life.

535
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:33,119
I had backne so bad. I had it so bad

536
00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:35,119
that I had to get on acutane, which is like

537
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,240
lethal shit. By the way, if you have bagne, if

538
00:28:38,319 --> 00:28:41,880
you have any issues with breakouts, or get on fucking acutane.

539
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,640
But it is like hardcore drugs that you have to

540
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:47,200
take to correct it. But it's like, it was just

541
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,319
I've had that happen so many times in my life before,

542
00:28:50,359 --> 00:28:54,720
where like the little there's just a little, I hear myself,

543
00:28:54,799 --> 00:28:57,920
I feel myself judge someone and then that thing happens

544
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,640
to me and I'm like, ooh, karma quick, she is swift.

545
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,319
So I am doing my best to not judge people

546
00:29:04,359 --> 00:29:06,319
as they navigate this life and how they choose to

547
00:29:06,359 --> 00:29:10,000
do so. But man, it's been hard lately. Man it's

548
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:15,240
been hard, and I honestly I don't expect the same

549
00:29:15,279 --> 00:29:17,200
in return. I don't expect people to not judge me.

550
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:21,200
I expect people to judge me. I do some crazy,

551
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:23,920
fucked up shit sometimes, so go ahead and judge me.

552
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:27,920
But I'm just I am just doing my I'm just

553
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,960
a girl and I'm just doing my best and I

554
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:32,920
just need a little love right now. But anyway, Yeah,

555
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:34,880
I had to tell mister Manhattan. I was like, when

556
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,720
I'm like biting and being mean and telling you I

557
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:39,519
want to move, I just really need you to like

558
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,359
throw your body weight on me and hug me and

559
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,240
give me. I call it barnacles. I do barnacles when

560
00:29:45,279 --> 00:29:46,880
I'm like I just need love and I just like

561
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:50,039
kee suction to him, I'm like, can I have a barnacle?

562
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,400
And I think we both really need love right now,

563
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,559
because I think this move has been hard for both

564
00:29:55,599 --> 00:29:58,519
of us, and I've been taking all the fucking oxygen

565
00:29:58,559 --> 00:30:01,000
out of the room with how I've been handling it,

566
00:30:01,119 --> 00:30:05,000
So I really just do. I've grown to love him

567
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,200
more and admire him more for his ability to be

568
00:30:08,319 --> 00:30:13,200
calm in my storm, because my storm was a borrow

569
00:30:13,279 --> 00:30:17,440
window and I can be very spooky and the lightning

570
00:30:17,519 --> 00:30:20,960
is very loud, so his ability to be calm has

571
00:30:21,039 --> 00:30:30,160
been really, really wonderful. But yeah, I I don't know

572
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,160
how long I've been going, and I don't know where Mike.

573
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,400
You know, there's no mic Oh. I can look at

574
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:39,680
this twenty nine minutes I have twenty nine more minutes

575
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:44,279
to go. Okay, So another thing I want to talk

576
00:30:44,279 --> 00:30:46,920
to you guys about. Hang on a second, because I

577
00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:48,799
also sent it to me. You guys, wait, I have

578
00:30:48,839 --> 00:30:51,440
to tell you this. This is so funny. We want

579
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:56,599
a car. This is this is wild. So we just

580
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,599
checked our mail for the first time like two days ago,

581
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,480
because we didn't even know where our mail was. And

582
00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,839
when we checked our mailbox, we opened up this this

583
00:31:05,119 --> 00:31:07,799
mail and it was like a contest, you know, and

584
00:31:07,839 --> 00:31:11,559
they're like, one person is going to win this Lexus,

585
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:16,960
this new twenty twenty six Lexus, and so mister Manhattan

586
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,880
opened it and he's like, oh, we won a thousand bucks.

587
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,160
And I looked at it because it was like the

588
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,599
other prizes were like three thousand dollars, one thousand dollars.

589
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,000
And I looked at it and he had like misread

590
00:31:27,039 --> 00:31:29,920
the symbols and it was like actually the car that

591
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:32,640
we won. And I was like, oh my god, we

592
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,279
want a fucking car. And he's like this has got

593
00:31:34,319 --> 00:31:38,200
to be a scam. Whatever. So I ended up calling

594
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:44,039
and talking to the dealership and they're like, you won

595
00:31:44,079 --> 00:31:48,400
the car, but the window for when you were able

596
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:55,599
to pick it up ended January in January, so we

597
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,319
didn't get the car, and you know what, and that

598
00:31:58,519 --> 00:32:01,119
is how my life has been going. It's like, you

599
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,799
win a car, No you don't, No, you actually you

600
00:32:03,799 --> 00:32:06,799
actually fucking don't. Nobody wins a fucking car. It's never

601
00:32:06,799 --> 00:32:10,160
that easy. It's never that good. Yeah. But basically, we

602
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,559
would have just had to pay like the insurance and

603
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,480
title fees and whatever else, and we would have won

604
00:32:16,559 --> 00:32:19,319
a brand Ney Alexis, which would have been fucking sick

605
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:22,319
because we're just sharing my Tesla right now and we

606
00:32:22,359 --> 00:32:24,759
do need a new car and we're probably gonna buy

607
00:32:24,799 --> 00:32:27,079
another one soon. But it would have been really cool

608
00:32:27,119 --> 00:32:29,359
if we would have actually just won the car, if

609
00:32:29,359 --> 00:32:31,039
we actually would have checked our mail. Well, here's the

610
00:32:31,039 --> 00:32:32,839
other thing. We weren't here anyway. We didn't get here

611
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:35,119
till February first, so no matter what, we wouldn't have

612
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:39,039
got it. But if we had checked our meal, we

613
00:32:39,039 --> 00:32:42,160
would have won a car. So that's kind of neat.

614
00:32:42,839 --> 00:32:44,359
That's not what I wanted to tell you though. Okay,

615
00:32:44,359 --> 00:32:47,920
so there's this ted talk going around and I want

616
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:52,880
you guys to listen to this.

617
00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:56,160
Speaker 2: Like this beautiful woman, Sophie Grayden sadly died by suicide.

618
00:32:56,559 --> 00:32:59,079
Now Sophie's to the College Europe revealed that she had

619
00:32:59,079 --> 00:33:02,119
a blood alcohol reading of two hundred and one milligrams

620
00:33:02,119 --> 00:33:04,680
per one hundred militers, which is about three times the

621
00:33:04,759 --> 00:33:08,519
legal driving limit, and she had also taken cocaine. So

622
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:11,559
when us of Sophie's death broke, much of the narrative

623
00:33:11,599 --> 00:33:14,279
online focused on the mental toll that Reality TV can

624
00:33:14,319 --> 00:33:17,759
take on its contestants. And while this information was crucial,

625
00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:21,200
equally important things were missing from the dialogue. So it

626
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,960
was the same just one year later when fellow contestant

627
00:33:24,039 --> 00:33:27,640
Mike Selista similarly died by suicide, and Mike also had

628
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,160
alcohol and cocaine.

629
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 1: In his system.

630
00:33:29,759 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 2: So did you know that the twenty four hour period

631
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:36,319
following alcohol consumption is associated with the sevenfold increase in

632
00:33:36,359 --> 00:33:39,599
the risk for suicidal behavior, meaning the twenty four hours

633
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,000
after you drink you are seven times more likely to

634
00:33:42,039 --> 00:33:45,400
act on suicidal thoughts. And when you combine an alcohol

635
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,680
with cocaine, you create a whole new substance which is

636
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,480
called coca ethylene, and the risk for suicide for this

637
00:33:50,759 --> 00:33:54,039
is sixteenfold. In twenty eighteen, the same year that I

638
00:33:54,079 --> 00:33:54,640
got sober.

639
00:33:55,680 --> 00:34:00,279
Speaker 1: Okay, So that is a woman who did a head

640
00:34:00,279 --> 00:34:02,599
talk and her name is sorry, I just like xed

641
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,519
out of it before. Her name is Milli Millie Gooch,

642
00:34:06,319 --> 00:34:10,519
great name, Millie Gooch. So she's talking about when she

643
00:34:10,559 --> 00:34:14,559
got sober and just another woman who passed away in

644
00:34:14,559 --> 00:34:17,480
the same year that she got sober, and and I

645
00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:21,119
found this to be so interesting. So I want to

646
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:27,719
speak candidly as I always do, speak candidly, as I

647
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:32,599
literally never have no I'm just kidding about my experience

648
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:38,519
with cocaine, because I don't often talk about this, but

649
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:46,159
I will say I never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

650
00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:52,360
once had a thought about suicide, had considered suicide even

651
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,280
thought it was on the fucking table, until I did cocaine.

652
00:34:57,199 --> 00:35:00,119
So this woman is talking about coca ethylene, which is

653
00:35:00,119 --> 00:35:04,000
is when you mix alcohol with cocaine, and what it

654
00:35:04,039 --> 00:35:07,400
does to your brain chemistry, and how you have a

655
00:35:07,599 --> 00:35:13,239
sixteen percent, sixteen times more chance of acting on a

656
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:19,280
suicidal thought when those two when those two are in

657
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,400
your body, when alcohol and cocaine are in your body,

658
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:24,719
And I just think that's really important information, and I

659
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,880
think it's something that we all should know and at

660
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,000
least if we're going to go out and you're gonna

661
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,159
party and you're gonna drink and do some coke, because

662
00:35:33,159 --> 00:35:35,960
who's just doing coke? Who in their right mind is

663
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,320
just doing coke? I remember when I first got sober,

664
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,599
like I quit drinking alcohol, but I was like, I'm

665
00:35:40,639 --> 00:35:42,519
still doing other drugs And I was in New York

666
00:35:42,559 --> 00:35:44,880
City with my friend and he's like, Oh, I have

667
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:46,159
some coke. Do you want to do coke? And I

668
00:35:46,199 --> 00:35:48,000
like went to the bathroom and I did coke, not

669
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:53,039
having anything in my system. And I was just like

670
00:35:53,039 --> 00:35:57,320
like wide eyedn't absolutely fucking batshit insane off my rock

671
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:59,800
or like crazy town, Like I don't know who does

672
00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:02,559
that or why they would do that, but anyway, if

673
00:36:02,559 --> 00:36:05,000
you're doing coke just to do coke, like god bless,

674
00:36:05,039 --> 00:36:06,800
I know a lot of people do, but that seems

675
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:09,440
absolutely insane to me. But I just think it's important

676
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:14,440
to understand what's happening in your body and you know,

677
00:36:14,599 --> 00:36:18,280
like scientifically, why you feel the way you feel after

678
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:23,119
you do those combination of things. Because I remember when

679
00:36:23,159 --> 00:36:27,199
I first started doing stand up, there was this wickedly

680
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:31,599
funny writer comedian. He's now like a huge producer. His

681
00:36:31,679 --> 00:36:37,119
name's Bill Dixon, and he is savage. He is so so,

682
00:36:37,119 --> 00:36:41,400
so fucking funny and smart. But I remember he would

683
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:46,239
talk about suicide in his set and or you know,

684
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:51,000
the thought of wanting to commit suicide, and my whole

685
00:36:51,039 --> 00:36:55,440
body would like get tense, and I would just be like, what,

686
00:36:56,280 --> 00:37:00,800
who actually thinks about that? Like? Who? Actually? I had

687
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:04,119
never had that thought a day in my life until

688
00:37:04,159 --> 00:37:09,480
my mid twenties when I started doing cocaine. And cocaine

689
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:14,360
rewires your brain chemistry, and I've heard it from almost

690
00:37:14,599 --> 00:37:20,840
everyone who's ever done it substantially. I know my mom

691
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:25,880
did a lot of cocaine, and she wouldn't say that directly,

692
00:37:26,039 --> 00:37:30,559
but I know her adamance against us ever doing cocaine

693
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:36,239
suggested it fucked with her. And I remember reading the

694
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:43,320
Robin Williams biography and he said once, the thing he

695
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,440
wished he could undo the most is ever having started

696
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:50,239
doing cocaine. And I think it's just such a widely

697
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:56,559
known party drug and everyone's doing it, and God, I

698
00:37:56,679 --> 00:38:00,280
wish we could really raise awareness about what it does

699
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:02,760
to our brain chemistry, because once it does that to

700
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:05,920
your brain chemistry, once it unlocks the door to the

701
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:09,320
basement and you go down those steps and you realize

702
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:12,760
all those dark thoughts and it's like you can come

703
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,760
back up from the basement, but you always know the

704
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:19,280
basements there and down in the basement is those those

705
00:38:20,079 --> 00:38:22,320
those very dangerous thoughts of I don't want to be

706
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:25,960
here anymore, and those have been popping up for me again.

707
00:38:26,079 --> 00:38:28,440
And I know a lot of you guys, I mean,

708
00:38:28,559 --> 00:38:30,320
I've seen comments being like, we don't want to hear

709
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:32,880
about this. This is like my honest journey with my life.

710
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:39,119
I am medicated, I am fine, I am going through it.

711
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,960
And unfortunately, when I'm going through it, like I'm the

712
00:38:42,039 --> 00:38:44,440
kind of person like when I'm before I was medicated,

713
00:38:44,519 --> 00:38:46,639
I was like, I've go grocery shopping today, shul I

714
00:38:46,639 --> 00:38:50,280
go grocery shopping, try to fucking yat myself off a balcony,

715
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:51,599
you know what I mean. Like it was like the

716
00:38:51,679 --> 00:38:57,199
tiniest minorist inconvenience would most mine are not minorist inconvenience,

717
00:38:57,239 --> 00:38:59,079
would make me just be like I should just get

718
00:38:59,119 --> 00:39:01,000
out of here, you know, as like you know, all

719
00:39:01,039 --> 00:39:02,719
of my problems would be solved if I was just

720
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:06,480
in a fucking canister on someone's mantle, like I just

721
00:39:06,519 --> 00:39:09,559
don't I just don't need to be here. But like, truly,

722
00:39:09,679 --> 00:39:17,159
my brain chemistry changed so severely after doing after starting cocaine,

723
00:39:17,199 --> 00:39:19,239
and I didn't I got very lucky. I didn't start

724
00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:23,639
doing that drug until like well into my move to LA.

725
00:39:25,679 --> 00:39:31,960
I I guess my mom scared me enough through college

726
00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:35,559
that when I was offered it, I maybe did it

727
00:39:35,599 --> 00:39:39,519
like once or twice, But I really didn't do cocaine

728
00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:42,239
in any serious capacity until I moved to LA And

729
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:45,159
then I dated a guy who I was for sure,

730
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:49,119
like for certain was gay. That's a whole nother story.

731
00:39:49,119 --> 00:39:50,960
But I dated this guy who was like a full

732
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:54,920
functioning coke addict and he had big jobs and he

733
00:39:56,239 --> 00:39:59,320
was on cocaine twenty four to seven, and so dating him,

734
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,679
I partook in that twenty four to seven. And after

735
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:06,840
that year, I think that year was twenty thirteen or

736
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:13,800
twenty fourteen, my brain changed forever. And I don't even

737
00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:16,239
know why I'm saying this now. I just think it's

738
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:19,519
so important for the information to be out there that like,

739
00:40:19,559 --> 00:40:23,400
if you want to do those things, party on garth, like,

740
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:27,039
I'm never going to tell you not to. We're humans,

741
00:40:27,039 --> 00:40:29,920
with free will. And I think even if I'm sitting

742
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:31,679
here being like, God, I wish I didn't do that,

743
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:33,760
it doesn't mean that you're not going to do that.

744
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:35,679
But I just want everyone to have the information. So

745
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:39,280
if you're doing if you are still drinking and doing drugs,

746
00:40:40,119 --> 00:40:44,440
that's okay. I just want you to understand that the

747
00:40:44,519 --> 00:40:47,880
next day, when you are going through withdrawals and you're

748
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:51,119
having horrible thoughts and you're kind of you know, it's

749
00:40:51,159 --> 00:40:54,440
the anxiety that turns into something much scarier and much bigger.

750
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:58,920
I just want you to understand scientifically what's going on

751
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,880
in your body and that you don't want to kill

752
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:04,000
yourself because you want to kill yourself. You want to

753
00:41:05,559 --> 00:41:11,960
because of the toxicology in your body. That said, I

754
00:41:12,079 --> 00:41:14,719
have no reason. I haven't been doing I haven't been

755
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:17,880
drinking and doing code. I've just been having those thoughts.

756
00:41:18,719 --> 00:41:21,159
I'm like, well, it's a beautiful day to yeat myself.

757
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:24,079
Uh No, you guys, I won't actually ever do it.

758
00:41:25,519 --> 00:41:27,519
I won't. I won't. I won't. I just saw the

759
00:41:27,599 --> 00:41:30,000
ripple effect of pain it caused my family when my

760
00:41:30,079 --> 00:41:34,360
mom did what she did, And you know, I am

761
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:38,159
very cognizant of my mental health. I think sort of

762
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,599
contrary to my mom. You know, my mom was in

763
00:41:41,679 --> 00:41:44,920
denial of the fact she ever had anything wrong. Anytime

764
00:41:45,239 --> 00:41:49,239
she was approached by anyone saying like, hey, you need help,

765
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:52,480
she would just attack their greatest weakness. She was great

766
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:57,360
at identifying anyone's greatest weakness. You know, for me, when

767
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,480
I was like, hey, you know, when her and I

768
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:04,239
stopped talking when we became estranged until her death, it

769
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,199
was because I had gotten that duy in Arizona, and

770
00:42:07,719 --> 00:42:11,239
she went buck nasty on me, and I said, hey,

771
00:42:11,599 --> 00:42:13,760
I need a mom right now, and I can't have

772
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,079
a relationship with you if you're just going to continue

773
00:42:16,079 --> 00:42:19,519
to bully me. So if you're willing to go to therapy,

774
00:42:19,559 --> 00:42:22,079
I will fly home and be there with you and

775
00:42:22,119 --> 00:42:24,440
go to therapy with you. But if you can't do that,

776
00:42:24,519 --> 00:42:27,880
then we can't have a relationship. And my mom and

777
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:29,760
I never spoke again because she just said, you're a

778
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:33,039
nasty little alcoholic. And you know, that's what she did

779
00:42:33,079 --> 00:42:35,960
anytime anyone suggested she needed help, she kind of attacked

780
00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:38,320
their greatest weakness and made them feel as bad as

781
00:42:39,159 --> 00:42:41,599
as they could. So she would so they would stand

782
00:42:41,639 --> 00:42:46,039
down on trying to enforce her getting any help that

783
00:42:46,079 --> 00:42:49,239
she so desperately needed. So that brings me to my

784
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,360
next thing that I want to talk about, which is

785
00:42:57,159 --> 00:43:06,320
I while I put stand up on a little baby

786
00:43:06,599 --> 00:43:10,320
pause and I continued to podcast, I think I'm going

787
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:15,239
to try to write a book. It's going to be

788
00:43:15,239 --> 00:43:18,880
completely different than the book I already wrote. I want

789
00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:22,599
it to be similar to, but not exactly the same

790
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:26,559
as Jeanett mccurty's I'm Glad my Mom's Dead. And if

791
00:43:26,559 --> 00:43:30,400
you haven't read Jeanete mccurty's book, I'm Glad my Mom's Dead.

792
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:32,039
So Jeannete mcurty. If you don't know who she was,

793
00:43:32,039 --> 00:43:33,480
she was a child star. I think she did I

794
00:43:33,599 --> 00:43:35,960
Carly or something. I didn't watch any of her work,

795
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,599
but she was a successful child star, and she wrote

796
00:43:38,639 --> 00:43:43,039
a phenomenal book called I'm Glad my Mom's Dead, obviously

797
00:43:43,039 --> 00:43:48,280
a shocking title, but also just a brilliantly written, well

798
00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:52,320
executed excavation of the soul of what it's like growing

799
00:43:52,440 --> 00:44:00,800
up with a difficult parent and how that sort of

800
00:44:02,639 --> 00:44:04,840
shaped her whole life, as it does for all of us,

801
00:44:05,159 --> 00:44:07,960
whether our parents are good or bad. They shape our

802
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:10,719
whole life. They shape exactly who we are. You know,

803
00:44:11,639 --> 00:44:14,199
if your parents are bad, you spend your whole life

804
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:16,519
just being like, I don't want to be anything like them.

805
00:44:16,519 --> 00:44:18,239
I'm never going to be anything like them. And then

806
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,280
one day you just look down at your hands and

807
00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:23,239
you're like, I've got my mom's hands, and you look

808
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:24,840
at the way you're acting and you're like, and I've

809
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,800
got the fucking fire in my belly. And you know,

810
00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:33,840
we all become our parents, unfortunately, and they do shape us,

811
00:44:34,199 --> 00:44:35,880
you know, whether it's good or bad. Like my mom

812
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,719
has one hundred percent shaped me. If you would have

813
00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:40,360
asked me ten years ago, I would have said, I'm

814
00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:43,599
nothing like her. I will never be anything like her.

815
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:47,559
She has no friends, and she's unkind and she's cruel,

816
00:44:47,639 --> 00:44:54,159
and she's this and she's that. The older I've gotten

817
00:44:54,199 --> 00:44:57,039
and the more healing I've done, the more I'm proud

818
00:44:57,280 --> 00:45:01,639
to be like my mom. The more I've understood her

819
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:05,199
and her journey and her battle, the more impressed I

820
00:45:05,239 --> 00:45:09,280
am with how much grace she actually handled life with

821
00:45:09,519 --> 00:45:13,719
given everything she went through. So I am going to

822
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:17,519
write a book and it's I'm telling you this I'm

823
00:45:17,559 --> 00:45:19,960
saying this out loud because I want you, I need

824
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:21,960
you guys to hold me accountable. I need to get

825
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:24,920
this fucking thing done. It's something I've been wanting to

826
00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:28,719
do for a while, but it is It's an upheaval

827
00:45:28,760 --> 00:45:33,239
of the soul. It is reliving trauma, and it is

828
00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:37,400
incredibly painful. But I think it's important. I think these

829
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:45,079
stories are important to be told, you know. And I'm

830
00:45:45,079 --> 00:45:46,760
not doing it because I'm like, oh, it's going to

831
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,880
be a best seller. I don't know that. I you know,

832
00:45:49,119 --> 00:45:51,079
whatever happens with it, happens with it. I don't care

833
00:45:51,079 --> 00:45:53,159
if five copies are sold. I don't care if none

834
00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:55,840
are sold. I just would like to get it done.

835
00:45:56,039 --> 00:46:01,000
I would like to process the relationship that I had

836
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:04,239
with my mom, and I would like to process all

837
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:08,320
of the things I've learned about her post mortem, all

838
00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:11,320
of the healing that I've done, all of the acceptance

839
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:17,280
that I've come to, all of the forgiveness, all of

840
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,480
the forgiveness that I've processed, everything, every part of it,

841
00:46:20,559 --> 00:46:23,760
because I think the only way to get it out

842
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,159
of me is to get it out of me. You know,

843
00:46:26,559 --> 00:46:29,920
something we do in recovery or I've done before. Is

844
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:32,760
like when you write something on paper, it's out of

845
00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:36,639
your body. So I when I journal, you know, I'm

846
00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:39,280
back to journaling again. I had like totally dropped off

847
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:41,360
for almost a year, and I'm back to journaling again

848
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:43,280
because I have to put pen to paper because I

849
00:46:43,320 --> 00:46:45,599
need to process my emotions and my feelings. And once

850
00:46:45,639 --> 00:46:48,880
they're on the paper, they're out of my body, like

851
00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:51,119
and they're still within me, but they're not as strong

852
00:46:51,159 --> 00:46:54,239
because they want somewhere else. And so that's what this is.

853
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:56,760
This I think is just putting a bow on the

854
00:46:56,800 --> 00:47:01,039
relationship that I had with my mother on the you know,

855
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:06,559
just all of it. I just want to put a

856
00:47:06,559 --> 00:47:07,880
bow on it. And I want to put a bow

857
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:09,199
on it, and I want to put it to bed,

858
00:47:09,599 --> 00:47:11,639
and then I don't want that mother wound to rule

859
00:47:11,679 --> 00:47:13,840
my life anymore. I want to move. I want to

860
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:15,800
move the fuck on. If I'm being very honest, and

861
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:19,559
if there's ever a world where I want to have children,

862
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:22,800
which you know, that's very much up in the air

863
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:25,360
and who knows, and it's not a priority for me

864
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:27,800
right now, which is crazy to say because I'm almost

865
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:29,440
thirty seven. So if it's not a priority. Now, it

866
00:47:29,519 --> 00:47:32,519
might never be a priority, but if I do have kids,

867
00:47:32,559 --> 00:47:34,639
I want to get all of this gunk out of

868
00:47:34,679 --> 00:47:40,239
my system so that I can show up without my wounds.

869
00:47:41,119 --> 00:47:43,679
Even if I don't have kids, I would like to

870
00:47:43,719 --> 00:47:49,519
show up without my wounds because they've just been running

871
00:47:49,559 --> 00:47:53,320
the motherfucking show. And so yeah, that's something I'm gonna

872
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:56,239
try and do. I'm gonna I'm gonna try and write

873
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,760
a book, and I hope I get it done. I

874
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:02,079
might not, but I might and that would be cool.

875
00:48:03,239 --> 00:48:05,039
So yeah, I think that would be really nice for

876
00:48:05,079 --> 00:48:07,360
me to do, especially since I'm living here, I'm out

877
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:10,000
of the city. I'm not doing stand up so much.

878
00:48:10,079 --> 00:48:12,000
It's not I'm not quitting stand up, you guys. I

879
00:48:12,039 --> 00:48:14,679
will be back. The bitch will be back. I'm gonna

880
00:48:14,679 --> 00:48:18,519
take a meaningful pause. I'm gonna take just like a

881
00:48:18,599 --> 00:48:22,800
protected pause to focus on myself and my energy and

882
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:25,760
my body and my health and my life and the

883
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:31,039
creativity that is feeding my soul rather than the creativity

884
00:48:31,079 --> 00:48:41,840
that's soul sucking. So that that's where I'm at. I

885
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:45,599
I will keep going with this podcast. I love this

886
00:48:45,679 --> 00:48:48,599
little podcast. I might be running around, I might be

887
00:48:48,679 --> 00:48:51,079
running to LA or to New York to try and

888
00:48:51,639 --> 00:48:54,400
get some guests on, because I really love having conversations

889
00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:56,880
with friends. I think those are super meaningful. I would

890
00:48:56,880 --> 00:48:59,599
love for you guys to DM me or leave in

891
00:48:59,639 --> 00:49:02,599
the comment the types of guests that you want. I

892
00:49:02,639 --> 00:49:04,280
know I've had a lot of comedians on. Those are

893
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:06,280
my friends. I love my friends. I love just kieking

894
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:10,679
with my friends. That's my favorite. U But like, do

895
00:49:10,719 --> 00:49:14,920
we want therapists? Do we want sex and love people?

896
00:49:15,079 --> 00:49:18,440
Do we want mental Like? Where do we want this

897
00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:21,559
podcast to go? Because we're growing it together and I

898
00:49:21,559 --> 00:49:25,679
want to hear what you guys want to hear. I've

899
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:28,440
had some feedback and I've taken it all to heart.

900
00:49:28,559 --> 00:49:32,400
I really have. Someone said this podcast is unorganized, and

901
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:35,159
I don't disagree. I'm gonna be like so honest with

902
00:49:35,199 --> 00:49:40,800
you guys. Having the network before Just Media, I don't

903
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:42,519
think I realized how much work they did and how

904
00:49:42,559 --> 00:49:46,440
great they are, and how well they made us adhere

905
00:49:46,519 --> 00:49:51,440
to a structure. When I am left my own accord,

906
00:49:51,519 --> 00:49:53,559
I'm a little fast and loose. I am doing my

907
00:49:53,639 --> 00:49:56,880
best to lock the fuck in. I am really really trying.

908
00:49:57,000 --> 00:50:01,880
I love this little podcast and I just love you guys,

909
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:03,920
and I have so much fun with you guys every week,

910
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:05,440
and I'm so glad I get to do this. I

911
00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:07,280
feel so grateful for you. So I just want to

912
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:14,000
say thank you for coming on this journey with me. Yeah,

913
00:50:14,079 --> 00:50:16,159
hang on, my little Word of the Week book is

914
00:50:16,159 --> 00:50:21,039
in the other room. Oh my god, Hi you guys. Sorry,

915
00:50:21,079 --> 00:50:23,519
Mike's gonna kill me because he told me to plug

916
00:50:23,519 --> 00:50:25,119
my camera in so I didn't die. And then I

917
00:50:25,119 --> 00:50:27,280
didn't plug my camera in and then it died. So

918
00:50:27,440 --> 00:50:30,239
this is why I'm not a real person without Mike.

919
00:50:31,119 --> 00:50:36,639
I need Mike's hap. Okay, word of the week, you guys,

920
00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:42,599
it's galvanized. Do you guys know what galvanized means galvanized

921
00:50:42,679 --> 00:50:47,199
verb to arouse or summon to action. Literally, galvanization is

922
00:50:47,199 --> 00:50:50,679
the process whereby something is stimulated by means of electric current.

923
00:50:51,320 --> 00:51:00,599
The letter had a galvanizing effect on Marge. I have

924
00:51:00,719 --> 00:51:11,480
been galvanized by the atrocities in my home. Okay, I'm

925
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:13,599
gonna stop talking about that. We're done with it. We're

926
00:51:13,599 --> 00:51:17,199
moving on. We're going into like, let's shut it, let's

927
00:51:17,239 --> 00:51:20,159
go into a new energy. Let's do a burning ritual tonight,

928
00:51:20,239 --> 00:51:24,440
shall we start some shit on fire. Let it go,

929
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,880
let it burn, let it burn. Okay, If you guys

930
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:31,639
are in London, Berlin or Amsterdam between March twentieth and

931
00:51:31,639 --> 00:51:33,400
twenty second, I need you guys to come to my shows.

932
00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:35,320
Please buy tickets because if you don't buy tickets, I'm

933
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:38,239
not gonna do it. And that's okay. Maybe the Good

934
00:51:38,280 --> 00:51:41,920
Lord does not want me to be there during those times.

935
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:47,800
I don't really know. UM. I also have completely fallen

936
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:49,960
off on badvice. If you guys want to DM me,

937
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:52,199
if you want any badvice, I'm so happy to give

938
00:51:52,239 --> 00:51:54,840
it to you. I love interacting with you guys. I

939
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:56,920
want to do more of that. So if you guys

940
00:51:56,960 --> 00:52:00,840
want to send me, send my DMS or or to

941
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:05,280
talk and Schmidt get the DMS going. I would love

942
00:52:05,480 --> 00:52:07,079
to hear from you guys here. What's going on with

943
00:52:07,119 --> 00:52:08,519
you guys? So many of you guys sent me love

944
00:52:08,559 --> 00:52:10,840
after last week's episode, and I just want to say,

945
00:52:11,519 --> 00:52:15,599
excuse me. I love you so much, and I love

946
00:52:15,639 --> 00:52:18,400
this podcast, and I love meeting you guys when I

947
00:52:18,440 --> 00:52:21,079
get to meet you, and I'm just really grateful for

948
00:52:21,119 --> 00:52:28,480
this little community that we have. And next week I'll

949
00:52:28,519 --> 00:52:31,360
be here I'll be here and I'll be happy and

950
00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:34,159
I'll be healthy. I can't promise i'll be happy. What

951
00:52:34,239 --> 00:52:36,760
is happy? Who's even happy? Is anyone even really happy?

952
00:52:36,840 --> 00:52:38,760
I don't know people are in there, like, well, my

953
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:40,679
dream in life is to be happy? Is it your

954
00:52:40,719 --> 00:52:44,480
fucking dream in life? To be happy? My dream in

955
00:52:44,519 --> 00:52:47,719
life is to be at peace, to create things that

956
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:51,840
help people heal, and to be at peace in my home,

957
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,360
in my body, in my relationship, and in my mind.

958
00:52:56,519 --> 00:52:59,800
So anyway, those are lofty goals. Haven't seen me at peace?

959
00:52:59,840 --> 00:53:03,440
My have you? Okay? Well, Biggie wants to come back inside,

960
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:05,239
and I think it's time we wrap this episode up.

961
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:06,760
But I love you guys so much. I love you,

962
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:08,559
love you, love you besties, and I'll see you next

963
00:53:08,639 --> 00:53:11,159
week