WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.400 When I stepped into harvest and wrote the dense brewed 2 00:00:06.440 --> 00:00:09.439 air and battered old forwards were a comfort. This bar 3 00:00:09.560 --> 00:00:11.400 had been a part of our lives long before Alex 4 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:13.519 ever thought about opening one of his own, a second 5 00:00:13.519 --> 00:00:16.879 living room. For all our marathon fridays, every job changed, toasted, 6 00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:20.160 every break up, consoled, every strange and gentle step toward adulthood. 7 00:00:20.839 --> 00:00:23.199 I paused to sook in the clinking classes, the diffuse 8 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:26.039 golden bulbs, the sound of Mark's ridiculous laugh breaking through 9 00:00:26.039 --> 00:00:28.879 the background. It was one of those first spring evenings 10 00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:31.199 when the inside and outside well seen to blend, and 11 00:00:31.280 --> 00:00:33.600 you could believe for a second that nothing bad could 12 00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:37.439 reach you here. Alex's absent hit me sideways, not immediately, 13 00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:39.960 but as a gradual ache, a standing invitation missing its 14 00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:42.240 other half. It wasn't rare for him to be late 15 00:00:42.280 --> 00:00:45.039 these days. Hell, it was almost a personality trait. He 16 00:00:45.159 --> 00:00:47.399 was the one who never said alarms, who planned whole 17 00:00:47.439 --> 00:00:49.719 week ends on napkins, who wore his shirts half tucked 18 00:00:49.719 --> 00:00:53.000 except when bartending. His ambition was the only thing sharper 19 00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:55.880 than his silly optimism, and I convinced myself as disappearing. 20 00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:57.840 That was the price of marrying some one eternally on 21 00:00:57.880 --> 00:01:00.719 the verge of some new deal or event, but to night. 22 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:04.079 Entering alone, I felt the gap mockingly. Mark waved me 23 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:07.560 over with his glass ligrined, and Sabrina's barkley eyeliner caught 24 00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:09.760 the light as she lifted her hand, performing that little 25 00:01:09.760 --> 00:01:12.719 finger wiggleway for my benefit. I squeezed on to the 26 00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:15.159 crack of the leather bench, sliding into routines had known 27 00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:18.319 half my adult life. I must have looked extra expectant, 28 00:01:18.439 --> 00:01:21.200 because Sabrina asked, wan't your usual and didn't wait for 29 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:24.079 my answer. I watched her stride to the bar, braid 30 00:01:24.120 --> 00:01:28.519 swinging somehow, both distracted and determined. Marked already started describing 31 00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:30.760 a disaster at work. But when I asked if Alex 32 00:01:30.840 --> 00:01:32.920 was still chained at the bar with his co op rebels, 33 00:01:32.959 --> 00:01:35.680 the table grew oddly quiet. There was a tiny pole, 34 00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:37.879 just enough for suspicion to slip in like a draft. 35 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:41.439 Lee made a few face He said something about new 36 00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:45.120 inventory sounded like a nightmare. He fiddled with two biometts, 37 00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:48.319 tearing at the edge of one with determined concentration. Sabrina 38 00:01:48.359 --> 00:01:50.920 returned two drinks balanced in one hand and handed me 39 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:53.920 my gin and soda. The surviving the week, she said, 40 00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:57.319 but her usual exaggerated toast was absent when I asked, 41 00:01:57.400 --> 00:01:59.200 are they really meeting at the bar? This laid every 42 00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:01.640 Friday she sweat, which mid laughed to a story about 43 00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:03.560 her new pillot's instructor, whose action in none of them 44 00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:07.000 could place. It was also familiar right up until it wasn't. 45 00:02:07.480 --> 00:02:10.319 Our group usually thrived on inside jokes and good natured jabs. 46 00:02:11.039 --> 00:02:13.680 Now their laughter was a fraction too bright, the spaces 47 00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:17.439 between words of fraction too wide. Mark, who normally deflected 48 00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:20.360 private questions with artful sarchism, merely shrugged and said, you 49 00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:22.439 know how alex is. If there's a fire, he's in 50 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:24.960 the middle of it. He tried smiling, but his eyes 51 00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:27.759 landed just left of my face. For a while, I 52 00:02:27.879 --> 00:02:30.360 let it go, fell into the usual conversation currents of 53 00:02:30.400 --> 00:02:33.439 local politics, whether the new Roman spot was overrated, the 54 00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:36.520 best podcast to draw out subway delays. But the tension 55 00:02:36.520 --> 00:02:38.960 didn't fade. It thickened until Evenly gave up trying to 56 00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:41.879 lighten the mood and nursed his Pulsner in silence. I 57 00:02:41.879 --> 00:02:44.280 played along, laughter a little too sharp, smile a little 58 00:02:44.280 --> 00:02:47.560 too fixed. I told myself Alex would walk in any minute, 59 00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:50.879 hands full of supplier swag, o bellowing apologies. But as 60 00:02:50.919 --> 00:02:53.639 I was slipped past and our friend's conversations gooted actually 61 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:57.240 around his name, irritation bloom into something sticker. By eleven, 62 00:02:57.319 --> 00:02:59.879 I drifted home through streets, pulsing with weekend energy, my 63 00:03:00.120 --> 00:03:02.680 mind and the city bowl too busy for sleep. We 64 00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:04.840 hadn't always been like this, playing catch me up and 65 00:03:04.879 --> 00:03:07.039 reading each other through the notes our friends didn't say 66 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:10.879 earlier years hung over me. Crisp was early daylight. First 67 00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:13.439 time I saw Alex was aeted down and now Christmas party, 68 00:03:13.560 --> 00:03:16.159 tangled in a debate about the correct garnish for a newgrony. 69 00:03:16.840 --> 00:03:18.560 I just left another job, a bad one, and he 70 00:03:18.599 --> 00:03:20.879 had a laugh like a draft stack of books, loud 71 00:03:20.919 --> 00:03:24.800 and sincere. After that, we built routine's piece by jagged piece, 72 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:28.280 Sunday markets, midnight movie marathons, all night brunches, where we'd 73 00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:30.919 drink endless coffee and swap gossip about everyone in our orbit. 74 00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:33.879 Our first apartment was barely big enough for the two 75 00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:35.960 of us and a decades worth of each other's clothes. 76 00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:39.479 We'd host parties there, sometimes squeezing so many people at 77 00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:42.319 the wall sweat. There was something about Alex's presence. He 78 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:44.319 could pull people out of whatever dark were quiet corner 79 00:03:44.360 --> 00:03:46.800 and deposit them warmed and laughing with someone they didn't 80 00:03:46.840 --> 00:03:49.919 know they'd have something in common with. Sometimes our friends jerked. 81 00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:51.680 We were of the glue of my sensible streaks, moving 82 00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:54.360 over his chaos, his boundless energy, buoying me every time 83 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:57.120 I doubted myself. I'd learned to predict his moods by 84 00:03:57.120 --> 00:03:59.000 the orbit of his keys, the way he filled our 85 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:01.280 home with music, sent to notes. He'd leave me on 86 00:04:01.319 --> 00:04:04.199 sticky pads when he pitched the idea for his bar. 87 00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:07.199 I built his first slogo and menus. Even after I 88 00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:09.520 went freelance, I kept one toe in as world, tweaking 89 00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:12.719 his event fliers while managing my own deadlines. We trusted 90 00:04:12.719 --> 00:04:15.719 the circle we built. Sabrina helped us through the summer. 91 00:04:15.800 --> 00:04:19.040 Our landlord tried to double the rent. Mott practically lived 92 00:04:19.079 --> 00:04:20.879 on our couch for a month after a messy break up. 93 00:04:21.480 --> 00:04:23.680 For a long stretch, we were each other's plus one 94 00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:26.120 for everything. The only thing more certain than Sunday pancakes 95 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:27.639 was that one of our friends would crush at our 96 00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:30.600 place the night before. But lately life had freed at 97 00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:33.879 the edges. Alex was always catching up on emails, staying 98 00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:36.519 late to wrangle the brus schedule, falling asleep halfway to 99 00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:39.839 shows we once pickered over. I'd blame the Bob's expansion, 100 00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:42.040 the demands of the so called cooperative that made every 101 00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:44.720 decision by committee. Wasn't this what we'd agreed on, supporting 102 00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:48.040 each other's ambitions. Sometimes I'd wake up to find him 103 00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:50.560 reading at the kitchen table, blue light pulling in the dark, 104 00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:53.800 looking both tired and somehow untouchable. I chalked it up 105 00:04:53.839 --> 00:04:56.759 to a busy season. If our friends seemed tense tonight, 106 00:04:56.839 --> 00:05:00.439 it was just business, bad accounting, new hires, growing pains. 107 00:05:01.120 --> 00:05:03.600 If Alex was more distracted, so was I. Every couple, 108 00:05:03.639 --> 00:05:05.920 I reminded myself went through this weird lumber of too 109 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:08.959 much work, not enough time. Still, something about the way 110 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:12.079 our friends gazes bounced off me didn't settle. When Sabrina 111 00:05:12.199 --> 00:05:14.160 leaned enduring good byes and squeezed my arm with a 112 00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:16.560 little more pressure than usual, I tried to laugh it off, 113 00:05:17.079 --> 00:05:19.600 tell Alex to get sleep, as she said it was 114 00:05:19.639 --> 00:05:24.439 almost right. Almost Monday mornings, the apartment was quiet, Tals 115 00:05:24.439 --> 00:05:26.240 off to the bar by eight, me bouncing coffee on 116 00:05:26.279 --> 00:05:28.759 my laptop, fielding client emails with an eye on the clock. 117 00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:32.160 Most days I relished the solitude, the block, to myself, 118 00:05:32.199 --> 00:05:35.120 the gentle neighborhood rumble. But the first Monday after the 119 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:37.160 off Friday, I moved through our home with a different 120 00:05:37.199 --> 00:05:39.519 kind of attention. Everything tuned to the edges for signs 121 00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:42.639 that Alex might crack the silence. First He'd been subdued. 122 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:45.920 Over the weekend. We barely crossed paths. On Saturday, I 123 00:05:45.959 --> 00:05:48.279 worked on a rush logo package for Bickery. He docked 124 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:52.079 up mid afternoon, promising to hit up some supplies Sunday. 125 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:54.360 He righted the ship, He cooked dormlets, queued up the bear, 126 00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:56.240 stretched out on the couch with me until we both 127 00:05:56.240 --> 00:05:58.839 have doze. If I mentioned the bar, he gave me 128 00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:01.480 the broad of strokes. Slowly reason, co op drama, nothing 129 00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:04.839 worth worrying over. I led a ride, busying myself with 130 00:06:04.920 --> 00:06:09.160 inverses and appointments. What could I say? Mark seemed reared 131 00:06:09.199 --> 00:06:11.360 when I asked about you at the bar, Even if 132 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:14.560 I'd been brave enough. It felt childish, suspicious for the 133 00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:18.560 sake of suspicion. Then Friday landed again. I was prepping 134 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:21.120 for at least birthday. Sabrina had demanded full attendance at 135 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:24.399 Harvest and Row. The group chappinged, blowing up, as always 136 00:06:24.439 --> 00:06:27.639 with memes and sigh plans. At six, as I was 137 00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:30.079 brushing my scarre through my lashes, my phone buzzed with 138 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:34.519 Alex's name. Hey baby, he said, breathless, sorry, co Op 139 00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:37.000 five drill staff went nuclear over the keg loogs and 140 00:06:37.040 --> 00:06:39.160 now we're trying to close out last quarters receipts. That 141 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:41.000 could be a late one. I might just crash here 142 00:06:41.000 --> 00:06:44.000 of resorting stock in the background, I thought I could 143 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:46.639 hear Barcel's grape, but voices were muted, clipped. None of 144 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:50.560 the usual chaos were that bad. I tried to keep 145 00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:53.519 my voice light, yere annoying promise I'll call if I 146 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:56.920 end up leaving earlier. His tom was mechanical, almost relieved 147 00:06:56.920 --> 00:07:00.519 at my easy acceptance. Tell everyone I'm sorry. When I 148 00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:02.800 showed up at the bar, the group's body language was 149 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:06.720 a mistakable conspicuous anticipation. Lee checking his phone mark scanning 150 00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:08.720 the crowd as if waiting for a second shoot drop 151 00:07:09.319 --> 00:07:11.680 Saverena hugged me, her hair, still wet from a last 152 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:15.279 minute shower. Alex at the bar, she asked, feigning surprise. 153 00:07:16.120 --> 00:07:18.600 Stuck at work again, I said, hurrying every one toward 154 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:22.480 our usual corner co op drama. Something subtle changed in 155 00:07:22.480 --> 00:07:25.199 her face, like a door shutting. She nodded, and then 156 00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:28.680 quietly shifted the conversation. We need to plan a group getaway, 157 00:07:28.759 --> 00:07:32.399 she said. Every one so stressed that night, I caught 158 00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:35.160 myself picking at details, Mark ducking into the alley outside 159 00:07:35.160 --> 00:07:38.199 for calls, Sabrina texting rapidly beneath the table, every one 160 00:07:38.199 --> 00:07:41.800 mobilizing to leave early. I drifted home earlier than usual, unease, 161 00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:45.079 settling in with the drafts beneath our old windows alone. 162 00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:48.160 I repled Alex's call, scrolled through our group chat. They 163 00:07:48.199 --> 00:07:50.879 were inside jokes, plans for Sunday, a meme Sabrina posted 164 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:52.959 just before midnight, but no mention of Alex, the bar 165 00:07:53.079 --> 00:07:55.959 is five drill or any one being out late. Maybe 166 00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:59.040 I was projecting work had been slow. Another client goes 167 00:07:59.079 --> 00:08:01.839 to me after two rounds of proofing, my counting spreadsheet 168 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:05.759 made threatening noises. Maybe I envied Alex's intensity, his distraction. 169 00:08:06.439 --> 00:08:08.519 Maybe I missed the bubble we'd built before life and 170 00:08:08.560 --> 00:08:11.920 ambition stretched us in opposite directions. But that feeling, the 171 00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:14.240 group's careful silence, the way every one advanced at me 172 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:18.040 before answering, kept echoing. I trusted these people threw much worse. 173 00:08:18.759 --> 00:08:21.560 If something was wrong, wouldn't one of them pull me aside? 174 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:25.519 Another week passed in patterns only slightly off clter. Alex 175 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:28.959 came home late twice, always apologizing, always another staff meeting 176 00:08:29.079 --> 00:08:32.440 or inventory drama. I tested him out, asking casual questions 177 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:34.919 about the co op while he washed up plates. The 178 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:37.720 staff are losing it, he said, were bleeding kegs, and 179 00:08:37.759 --> 00:08:40.559 the account of sun vacation not your problem. Though he 180 00:08:40.600 --> 00:08:44.639 smiled and his exhaustion seemed plausible. I told myself again 181 00:08:44.720 --> 00:08:47.320 to let it go. Every new business struggled, maybe the 182 00:08:47.320 --> 00:08:51.240 pressure would pass. Still, I looked for reassurance in small things, 183 00:08:51.639 --> 00:08:54.440 ire inside, jokes, away, we'd linger over breakfast, his hand 184 00:08:54.480 --> 00:08:57.159 on my shoulder as he passed by. For the most part, 185 00:08:57.200 --> 00:08:59.039 life tried to saw itself back up. I clung to 186 00:08:59.080 --> 00:09:02.679 those stitches. The following Saturday, Sabrine invited me to brunch. 187 00:09:03.320 --> 00:09:05.320 She picked the French Bakery on Fulton, the one with 188 00:09:05.440 --> 00:09:08.879 crowded tables and loud jazz. Normally, brunch was coughd for 189 00:09:08.919 --> 00:09:11.759 bottomless mimosas and wilder caps. But there was a stiffness 190 00:09:11.799 --> 00:09:14.519 to her this morning, a kind of restraint. She asked 191 00:09:14.519 --> 00:09:17.120 about new clients, not the bar, shared up it about 192 00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:20.879 her maybe girlfriend, avoided all mention of Alex. After ten 193 00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:23.639 minutes a small talk, I blurted out, there's everything okay 194 00:09:23.639 --> 00:09:26.240 with Alex. He's been tired. The bar seems heavy lately. 195 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:30.240 Sabrina spoon clattered against her cup. Yere, I guess it's 196 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:32.440 just a lot. His nights are nuts. I think I 197 00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:35.279 haven't kept up much. I tried to push a little. 198 00:09:35.840 --> 00:09:39.039 He mentioned big meetings, drama among the staff, this business bar. 199 00:09:39.799 --> 00:09:41.919 She glanced at the window, searching the crowd for some 200 00:09:41.960 --> 00:09:45.960 one to save her. Honestly, no clue. I haven't heard pacifics. 201 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:49.159 She excused herself to the bathroom before I could follow up. 202 00:09:49.759 --> 00:09:52.240 I paid the taw, walked the long route home along 203 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:55.879 the canal Maytie. Alex was protecting me. Maybe the co 204 00:09:56.039 --> 00:09:59.240 op was crashing. But if Sabrina, our group's self proclaimed 205 00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:02.039 him fulfilter knew nothing. What kind of drama could Alex 206 00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:05.639 be managing? On impulse? I checked the bar's website, looking 207 00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:09.360 for new events or closing announcements. There was nothing. The 208 00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:11.600 last up it was an open mic night schedule for 209 00:10:11.639 --> 00:10:15.120 the following Thursday. No sign of late night alhand sessions, 210 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:19.000 no breathless upbates via the usual social feats. That evening, 211 00:10:19.200 --> 00:10:21.519 my irritation got the better of me. I texted Alex, 212 00:10:21.559 --> 00:10:24.279 asking if he'd be home for dinner. He replied quickly, 213 00:10:24.399 --> 00:10:27.279 might run. The aid suppliers and from Portland were tasting samples. 214 00:10:27.919 --> 00:10:30.360 I stopped by the bar at nine, wrapped in my raincoat, 215 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:32.559 not expecting much beyond the peak of Alex sussling through 216 00:10:32.600 --> 00:10:36.120 numbers at the counter. Instead, the young bartonder Emmy knew, 217 00:10:36.279 --> 00:10:38.399 always cheerful, did a double take when she saw me. 218 00:10:39.039 --> 00:10:42.759 Oh heynor, she said, voice rising and octave. I didn't 219 00:10:42.759 --> 00:10:46.399 know you were coming by to night, Alex around, I asked, 220 00:10:46.399 --> 00:10:50.120 squeezing the strap of my back. Emmy hesitated, glancing towards 221 00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:53.279 the back office. He ah, just would have to pick 222 00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:55.840 up something for the cooler, should be back, Saine. It 223 00:10:55.879 --> 00:10:58.399 didn't sound right, but I thanked her and waited, sipping 224 00:10:58.480 --> 00:11:01.879 bad coffee, pretending to call my phone. People drifted in 225 00:11:01.919 --> 00:11:04.200 and out. None of the usual staff i'd call co op. 226 00:11:04.399 --> 00:11:07.080 No sign of frantic meetings, no PaperWorks stacked on the 227 00:11:07.159 --> 00:11:11.759 usual table. After twenty minutes I left. Alex came home quiet, 228 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:14.600 smelling of hops and deodorant. He tried to kiss me 229 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:16.519 on the cheek, but his breath was sour with something 230 00:11:16.519 --> 00:11:20.399 sweet whisky, not beer. He mentioned supply drama. Apologize for 231 00:11:20.440 --> 00:11:23.799 missing dinner. It's bin Chaos's schedule keeps changing. Can we 232 00:11:23.840 --> 00:11:27.840 debrunch tomorrow? I didn't push further. Not that night. I 233 00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:30.679 was tired of questioning, of not knowing. I wanted to 234 00:11:30.679 --> 00:11:33.919 believe him. Sunday I watched him scroll his phone at breakfast, 235 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:36.799 thumb flicking too quickly. After a moment, he caught my 236 00:11:36.799 --> 00:11:39.919 glance and flipped the screen over, smiling sheepishly. It just 237 00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:43.080 staff texts, he said. They hosted a backyard drink up 238 00:11:43.080 --> 00:11:46.120 that afternoon to christen his new grill. We all crowded 239 00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:48.879 on to his tiny patio, paper plates and beers in hand. 240 00:11:49.519 --> 00:11:52.440 Mark nursed sprained ankle. Sabrina seemed glued to her phone 241 00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:54.919 when I asked Mark how Alex was coping at the bar. 242 00:11:55.120 --> 00:11:58.240 He dodged, launching into a detailed breakdown of brewing temperatures. 243 00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:02.039 A lee, a little drunk, said, everyone's covering for everyone 244 00:12:02.080 --> 00:12:05.200 these days, right, then laughed, only to glance at Sabrina, 245 00:12:05.320 --> 00:12:07.120 who shot him a look that could have crack glass. 246 00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:09.960 As the day stretched into twilight and laugh the faded. 247 00:12:10.159 --> 00:12:13.200 Mark lingered As I bundled up my things. Everything cool, 248 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:18.759 I asked, aiming for casual. He grinned too quickly. Yeah, yeah, totally. 249 00:12:18.840 --> 00:12:21.879 Alex's just burning it at both ends. You know, Mark 250 00:12:21.960 --> 00:12:24.960 had never been a good liar. Back home, an unopened 251 00:12:24.960 --> 00:12:27.639 pile of reseats caught my eye in the kitchen. Normally 252 00:12:27.639 --> 00:12:30.519 I'd gnored Alex's paper trail, but something made me leave 253 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:33.559 through the stack. There was the usual Beard distributor, some 254 00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:37.960 hardware catering inhases, then among them a dinner at Kinvaro 255 00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:40.840 Bistro two nights ago, in expensive spot Linen's and cantlelight 256 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:43.879 not somewhere Alex and I ever went. The charge was 257 00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:46.240 too high for a solar meal and dated after hours 258 00:12:46.240 --> 00:12:49.519 when he's worn. He was wrangling staff when Alex slouched 259 00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:52.200 him later, I pushed the receipt toward him. What's this? 260 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.159 He barely paused. Staff would out to celebrate hitting last 261 00:12:56.159 --> 00:12:58.519 month's gool call covered half, but I had to float 262 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:01.200 the rest on my card. His answer was smooth, almost 263 00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:04.559 too faint for me to catch. But later a Sabrina message, 264 00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:06.720 the co Op's been all over the place snow bonesses 265 00:13:06.720 --> 00:13:10.519 this quarter. Everyone's worried. I read it twice, frowning. If 266 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:12.960 the bar was struggling, what exactly were they celebrating with 267 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:16.799 comped dinners? That week, I found myself casually browsing photos 268 00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:19.679 from the bar's staff and co op Instagram accounts. There 269 00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:22.200 were shots of pine glasses, trivia, Knight's two new bart 270 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:24.919 and his clinking glasses on the roof, all times dumped 271 00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:27.519 for the same nights. Alex was supposedly buried in bookkeeping. 272 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:30.720 None showed him, if anything, The photo was made to 273 00:13:30.759 --> 00:13:33.919 bar lagantier than ever. That night, a text from Sabrina 274 00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:35.879 Ba's on my bedside table. Let me know if you 275 00:13:35.919 --> 00:13:39.240 ever want to talk okay. It was oddly phrased, more 276 00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:41.360 concerned than she'd ever been, and she followed it with 277 00:13:41.360 --> 00:13:43.559 the moon face emoji, as if trying to diffuse something 278 00:13:43.559 --> 00:13:46.120 too heavy to ride upright. I tried to play my 279 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:48.879 doubts against my own guilt. Maybe I was turning into 280 00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:52.440 a detective for no reason, imagining cheating shadows. Maybe this 281 00:13:52.600 --> 00:13:54.600 was just the haze of a faltering business, a city 282 00:13:54.600 --> 00:13:57.480 where everyone was hustling. Maybe Alex just needed time to 283 00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:00.840 sort things out. Hadn't I pulled away too lately, turned 284 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:03.320 and worked with freelance anxiety left him to run our 285 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:07.639 share crew. Still the seed was there, rooted deep. Our world, 286 00:14:07.759 --> 00:14:10.039 which had felt like a single room, now seemed full 287 00:14:10.080 --> 00:14:12.720 of odd shaped doors I didn't have keys to. Every 288 00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:15.279 time I recalculated, it was like the mat didn't add up. 289 00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:18.000 The bars laid hours but silent calendar staff who didn't 290 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:21.159 match his stories, friends with glitch enthusiasm. I tried to 291 00:14:21.159 --> 00:14:23.639 stop thinking about it, but my brain was always pacing, 292 00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:25.639 always searching for just one answer that could write the 293 00:14:25.679 --> 00:14:28.679 weird geometry of the last month. Toward the end of April, 294 00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:30.799 Alex announced I'm in the weeds to night co Op 295 00:14:30.840 --> 00:14:34.679 called the Last Minute Kagarde. Every One's pissed. Another Friday, 296 00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:38.360 another solo dinner, As I called into bed, empty overpriced 297 00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:40.639 take out beside me, I realized I'd barely bother to 298 00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:43.360 ask for details any more. The effort to chase him 299 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:45.720 to guess his stories was so exhausting it scared me. 300 00:14:45.799 --> 00:14:47.919 I stared at the ceiling for a long time, listening 301 00:14:47.919 --> 00:14:50.480 for his key in the door. When I finally dozed, 302 00:14:50.559 --> 00:14:52.320 I dreamed of a house full of locked rooms, his 303 00:14:52.440 --> 00:14:54.879 voice muffled on the other side, always too far to reach. 304 00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:58.080 That Saturday, for the first time since we moved in together, 305 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:00.759 I went out for coffee without telling him. Sitting in 306 00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:03.639 a corner, I watched neighborhood couples filter in, all tired, 307 00:15:03.720 --> 00:15:06.000 all entwined in the ways you only earned after years together. 308 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:08.600 I tried to remember the last time Alex and I 309 00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:11.360 had sat like that, finishing each other's sentences, fighting over 310 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:14.159 the crossword. The memory was there, but it felt him 311 00:15:14.159 --> 00:15:16.919 a water stain in the fabric. Back home, I watched 312 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:19.639 him nap on the couch, tall and guarded, hair mess. 313 00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:21.600 Part of me wanted to run my hand through it 314 00:15:21.639 --> 00:15:23.840 to wake him gently. Another pot wanted to shake him 315 00:15:23.879 --> 00:15:25.840 to mind the story that was clean and symmetrical and 316 00:15:25.879 --> 00:15:29.159 finally made sense. Instead, I went back to my desk, 317 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:32.039 opened a blank document and tried to work. All I 318 00:15:32.039 --> 00:15:35.080 could manage was a spiral of house sketched lines, anxious doodles, 319 00:15:35.080 --> 00:15:37.840 a lugo idea that managed to look both sad and accusatory. 320 00:15:38.440 --> 00:15:41.440 I closed my laptop. I felt both weightless and full 321 00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:45.840 of concrete. Days blurred. Our lives began passing ships, Me 322 00:15:46.120 --> 00:15:49.440 hunched over invisses. Alex in his barre branded hoodies, hustling 323 00:15:49.480 --> 00:15:51.720 out the door, always with too many keys, too much 324 00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:54.440 on his mind. I found myself taking in the city 325 00:15:54.440 --> 00:15:57.240 in new ways. Walking to the market, I watched for 326 00:15:57.240 --> 00:16:00.279 familiar faces, eavesdropped on conversations, for any mention of the 327 00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:03.080 bars against sore windows for flyers I designed months earlier. 328 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:06.120 Once at the corner grocer, I ran in to call 329 00:16:06.159 --> 00:16:10.080 Alex's business partner, loading cases of soda into his car. Nora, 330 00:16:10.200 --> 00:16:13.080 haven't seen you in ages. His grin was wide, maybe 331 00:16:13.120 --> 00:16:16.840 too wide. I played dumb. Alex says, it's been wild 332 00:16:16.879 --> 00:16:20.360 at the bar. You working nights too. Carl paused, then chuckled. 333 00:16:21.039 --> 00:16:23.320 Though you know, Alex, he's always making it sound more 334 00:16:23.399 --> 00:16:25.759 dramatic than it is. Honestly, things are fine, just the 335 00:16:25.840 --> 00:16:28.960 usual grind. He avoided my eyes as he shifted boxes 336 00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:31.600 too much for just the usual. That night, I put 337 00:16:31.600 --> 00:16:34.559 my head into Alex's office at home. His computer screen 338 00:16:34.559 --> 00:16:38.279 glowed with spreadsheets, emails half written. He turned close a window, 339 00:16:38.320 --> 00:16:41.399 then grinned at me could use her design magic Babe 340 00:16:41.480 --> 00:16:43.600 knew of a night open mic fruit trucks. Can you 341 00:16:43.639 --> 00:16:48.200 mock something up? I smiled tight. Sure, I almost asked, 342 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:50.279 were you really working late? Or is this just what 343 00:16:50.320 --> 00:16:52.679 you want me to think? But the words curdled on 344 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:56.120 my tongue. The next Friday he called again, co Op 345 00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:58.600 cold war, Honey, it's madness in here. Don't wait up. 346 00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:01.200 I went to harvest Ston Rowe claimed the seed at 347 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:03.039 the end of the bar and watched the city's parade 348 00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:06.000 behind glass. The group arrived and waves a little late, 349 00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:09.960 a little sammer. Sabrina's eyeliner already smudged. She hugged me, 350 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:13.160 held a fraction too long Mark for once didn't ask 351 00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:16.440 about Alex. Blee told a rambling story about an excesus 352 00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:18.960 new dog, but everyone's gaze darted away every time my 353 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:23.240 phone buzzed. Finally, I said, he's not coming right. My 354 00:17:23.359 --> 00:17:27.680 voice sounded foreign, measured. Sabrina blinked He's probably just he 355 00:17:27.720 --> 00:17:30.240 always does this mora. He wants the bar to succeed 356 00:17:30.319 --> 00:17:32.920 so bad. But her hand was shaking on her glass. 357 00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:35.720 We barely made it to midnight before the group dissolved 358 00:17:35.799 --> 00:17:39.200 quick goodbye's Lee, offering a stiff wave. Back home, I 359 00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:42.480 rifled through the receipts again, pushing aside paper, determined to 360 00:17:42.519 --> 00:17:45.200 find some proof it was all just bad luck. Nothing 361 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:47.440 leapt out, but little things snagged me a charge to 362 00:17:47.519 --> 00:17:50.079 specialty chocolate shop, a capfare in the opposite direction of 363 00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:53.039 the bar, stack of loyalty programmed mailer's for bit Jowey Place. 364 00:17:53.759 --> 00:17:56.839 Alex was home early Sunday. He laid out an elaborate 365 00:17:56.839 --> 00:17:59.400 breaths at acado toat ex perfect two mugs of coffee 366 00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:03.559 already cool, it was almost over kil we ate barely speaking. 367 00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:06.480 He made a show of texting the staff, rolling his 368 00:18:06.519 --> 00:18:09.039 eyes at another shipment delay. When I asked if the 369 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:11.519 co op was giving him grief, he shrugged, mouth tight. 370 00:18:12.200 --> 00:18:14.480 They're just my upic idiots. Sometimes it feels like I'm 371 00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:17.880 unning the place by myself. He sounded convincing and tired. 372 00:18:18.599 --> 00:18:21.160 For a moment, my heart softened a little, but as 373 00:18:21.200 --> 00:18:23.640 I cleared the table, Sabrina texted again, call me if 374 00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:26.240 you need anything. It had the cadence of a warning. 375 00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:28.599 Late that night, I heard Alex on the phone in 376 00:18:28.599 --> 00:18:31.440 our hallway, muffle behind the door. His voice dropped so 377 00:18:31.480 --> 00:18:34.240 low I couldn't make out the words. When I am marriage, 378 00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:36.559 he was suddenly at the kitchen counter, humming through left 379 00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:38.960 over us. I wanted to scream at himed man a 380 00:18:38.960 --> 00:18:42.680 straight answer, something, anything. Instead, I lay on our creaky 381 00:18:42.680 --> 00:18:45.039 bed and close my eyes, letting his secrets call through 382 00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:47.640 the darkness, apologizing to the quiet city for whatever I'd 383 00:18:47.640 --> 00:18:50.759 done to deserve this much. Not knowing days inch passed, 384 00:18:51.359 --> 00:18:53.720 I decided to drop by the bar again un announced. 385 00:18:53.839 --> 00:18:56.519 Mid evening. The place was humming, but the co op 386 00:18:56.559 --> 00:18:59.759 was nowhere. Inside Emmy grinned at me, shouldn't you be 387 00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:02.640 out with Alex tonight? Something in her freezing set me 388 00:19:02.680 --> 00:19:06.680 off balance. He's not here, I ass pretending to check 389 00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:10.119 my phone. She shook her head. Left an hour ago, 390 00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:12.359 said he had an errand supposed to come back. But 391 00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:16.319 we're dead to night anyway. My skin prickled the supplier 392 00:19:16.359 --> 00:19:20.599 thing again. She frowned, searching her mental calendar. Not that 393 00:19:20.680 --> 00:19:24.039 I know of no deliveries on weekends. Maybe heave she 394 00:19:24.200 --> 00:19:28.720 broke off. Sorry, Nora, I just work here. I left quickly, 395 00:19:28.759 --> 00:19:33.039 stomachin knots. Halfway home, I texted Alex everything good. You 396 00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:37.400 headed home soon. He didn't answer for another hour. Yeah, sorry, 397 00:19:37.400 --> 00:19:39.880 things spun out, closing up, will crush at Carll's love you. 398 00:19:40.519 --> 00:19:42.759 I stared at the message. We read it ten times. 399 00:19:43.400 --> 00:19:46.880 It didn't rid like my husband, not even the punctuation matched. 400 00:19:47.599 --> 00:19:50.400 For three nights, variations of the same routine, late texts, 401 00:19:50.440 --> 00:19:54.519