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Speaker 1: A Christmas Present Assurance Company by C. H. Grinling. I

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was so worn out when I got home on the

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Saturday before Christmas Day that I was obliged to go

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straight off to bed. You see, I had been out

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shopping all day, buying Christmas presents. It is an old

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custom in our family always to give every member a

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present at Christmas time. It is not the price of

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the gift we value so much as the affectionate spirit

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which it shows. And yet, for all that we are,

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every one of us always more touchy after our Christmas

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shopping than at any other time in the year. Indeed,

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it was to escape from the general irritation just as

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much as from over fatigue that I was glad to

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get off to bed early that evening. I fell asleep directly.

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I got between the blankets, and presently I dreamed the

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most extraordinary dream. In the first place, I dreamed that

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I was an old and valued contributor to the public press,

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a sufficiently wild idea, considering that I have at home

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a large box full of manuscripts returned with the editor's

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compliments and regrets. Then I found myself entering an office,

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on the door of which was inscribed the Christmas Wedding

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and Birthday Present Assurance Company. The manager of the company

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received me cordially, Yes, he said in reply to my queries.

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And then at once it flashed upon me that I

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must be interviewing him for an article. Yes, the idea

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of our company has caught on and we are doing

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a rattling business already. What precisely is the object of

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your business? I inquired, or at least I dreamt I did,

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and I remember feeling pleased that I was doing this

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thing in the right style. Why to save people the

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trouble and expense of buying Christmas, Birthday and wedding presents?

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Was the reply. You see, everyone has to give such

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gifts nowadays, and to people with many relations and friends,

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it is becoming an important item of expenditure as well

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as a serious call on their time. You know how

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you feel yourself when Christmas is drawing near, or a

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friend is going to be married, or a birthday in

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the family is approaching. You say to yourself, I must

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give so and so a present, But I'm sure I

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don't know what to get, and I really can't afford

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the time just now to spend half a day ransacking

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the shops, and so you put the thing off till

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it can't be postponed any longer. Then you go in

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desperation into the first shop you come to and either

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spend twice as much as you meant to, or buy

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something which you are a shore aim to send. Yes,

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that's so, I said, But how do you propose to

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help me by taking the whole thing off your hands?

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You take out a policy with us, pay a year's premium,

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and we choose and pay for the presents you have

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occasion to give in the year. But who judges what

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I ought to give? I asked, remembering how long I

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had discussed with myself whether my wife's aunt would be

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offended if I left her out this year. Oh, trust

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that to us. We have experts in etiquette who can

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decide these points to a nicety. Now suppose you want

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a general policy covering all sorts of presents. Well, you

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are a middle class man with a small family, a

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moderate number of relations, and a not very large circle

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of middle class friends. Our actuary would probably estimate our

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risk at taking you at about fifteen pounds per annum

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for that we should undertake to give your wife and

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children each two suitable presents during the year Christmas and Birthday.

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Then we should give one present each, probably at Christmas,

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to half a dozen selected relations annually. We should also

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send wedding presents to such of your friends as might

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be married during the year. That last would be an

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uncertain item, would it not? I queried a little so perhaps,

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But one year balances another. You see, we have a

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very strict set of rules drawn up by a committee

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of authors of etiquette primmers as to what persons are

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called upon to give one another wedding presence. When you

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want us to send a wedding gift on your behalf,

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you would have to prove either that the bridegroom or

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bride had given such a present to you or your

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or that you were in the habit of taking at

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least one meal in a month in the house of

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the parents of one or other of the happy pair.

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Afternoon teas don't count as meals. In the case of

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old schoolfellows, we don't admit liability unless an uninterrupted correspondence

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has been maintained since separation. In the case of ladies,

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we require at least monthly letters. We have not so

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far had an instance of a man wishing us to

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give a present to an old school chom and do

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I have no voice in the selection of the gifts

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I asked? You may if you like, within certain fixed limits,

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But we recommend our clients to leave the matter entirely

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in our hands. You see from our large experience we

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are thoroughly qualified to decide matters of the greatest delicacy.

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Already we have statistics carefully compiled which show the precise

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age two a month at which rattles and India rubber

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suckers begin to pall on infants. And we can also

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advise with confidence as to when it is safe to

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entrust young children with tin soldiers, mechanical toys, et cetera,

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which it would do them harm to suck or swallow.

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In cases of special difficulty, we usually ask for photographs

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of the recipients. By a glance at a boy's tie

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or boots, we can always tell whether he will most

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appreciate a book or a malacca cane. And if a

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girl has her hair up, we know we are safe

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in sending gloves or trinkets. Do the gifts you send

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usually give satisfaction? In nearly all instances you see our

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experience is so valuable in delicate cases, such as mothers

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in law and maiden aunts. We never commit the common

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blunder of giving such ladies a costly pre present one

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year and nothing the next. More family quarrels are caused

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by the sudden stopping of presents previously given, than by

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not making any gifts at all. But perhaps you would

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like to see our store rooms. Walk this way. I

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followed my guide into a large warehouse which had all

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the appearances of a fancy fair. One counter looked like

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a toy shop, another resembled a tobacconist's, a third a bookseller's,

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and so on. In the children's section, I found a

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very large assortment of most ingenious mechanical toys and puzzles.

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But I looked in vain for the Noah's arks, picture

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books and fairy tales which so delighted my own childhood.

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Have children's tastes changed, so I asked, with reference to these,

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No was the reply. The children still like them, But

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nowadays toys like pantomimes and circuses, though ostensibly for the children,

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have to interest and amuse the parents as well. This

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toy music hall, for example, with its automatic skirt dancers

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and knock about artists is a very popular line. And

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so are these musical boxes which play all the latest

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Coster songs. Both of those are presents sure to give

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satisfaction in cases of children from one year old upwards.

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But come this way and I will show you our

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latest development, so saying, the manager led me into an

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adjoining room, which, to my amazement I found filled with

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such articles as coal scuttles, sauce pans, brooms, basins and ewers,

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and other miscellaneous domestic utensils. What I exclaimed, you don't

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mean to say that people give useful things like these

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as presents. Why the millennium must be approaching? The manager smiled. No,

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he said, this is a separate undertaking from the present assurance.

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We call this the wedding present clearing house. All the

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articles you see on this shelf are marked equivalent to

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salad bulls. Now, a salad bowl is a very favorite

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article for a wedding present. You see, it is handsome

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and genteel and not too expensive, and it looks well

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in a printed list of gifts. The result is that

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it is not an uncommon thing for a young married

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couple to receive from ten to twenty of these bowls. Well,

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one salad bowl is quite sufficient for a family of

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two persons, even if they are vegetarians, so something must

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be done with the others. Some ladies make them up

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into flower vases, but many now bring them to us

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and exchange them for any of the useful articles on

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this shelf which they may be in need of. We

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are glad of the bulls, which we send out again

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in our next batch of wedding gifts. The articles on

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the next shelf are a better class of goods. We

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give them in exchange for silver candlesticks or side dishes,

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of which young couples usually have a large surplus. I

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wish your clearing house had been in existence when I married,

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I exclaimed, with the distant recollection of a number of

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silver articles which my wife put away years ago in

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tissue paper, and which now never saw the light. Perhaps

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even now it is not too late. What do you say, Madeline,

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my dear, I said to my wife, who now seemed

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to be by my side. What's that you're talking about?

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Came the reply in my wife's voice. I asked you

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to go to the nursery to see what's the matter.

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With the children. They've been crying for the last ten minutes.

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I think one of them must have tumbled out of bed.

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I hurriedly pulled on some clothes and sallied forth. I

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found my two youngsters sitting on their bed and howling.

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It appeared they had got up in the middle of

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the night to see what Santa Claus had put in

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their stockings, and they were weeping because there was only

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one layer in the boxes of chocolates instead of two

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like last year. I comforted them with promises of another

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box each and went back to bed. It's disgraceful, I

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said to my wife, and I shall write to the

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company about it tomorrow morning. Madeline stared at me, and

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then I remembered that I had bought the chocolates myself

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at a bargain at the confectioners round the corner, and

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that the Christmas Wedding and Birthday Present Assurance Company was

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only a dream, and of a Christmas Present Assurance Company

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by C. H. Grinling