WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.160 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall 4 00:00:09.240 --> 00:00:12.800 Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the 5 00:00:12.839 --> 00:00:15.919 iHeartRadio app. If you're new to my show, I'm a 6 00:00:15.960 --> 00:00:19.320 psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands. Can you believe 7 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:22.079 we don't have school tomorrow. We just started. We just 8 00:00:22.120 --> 00:00:24.280 had one day of classes and now we have a 9 00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:28.079 holiday Labor Day weekend. So students you're listening, you have 10 00:00:28.120 --> 00:00:33.159 two weeks of homework to do. Okay, get those chapters read. 11 00:00:33.240 --> 00:00:35.520 But I am a little bit obsessed with the science 12 00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:41.560 of relationships. My dissertation was on attachment theory. And in 13 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:46.280 the news this week is the fact that Olympian Simone 14 00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:51.200 Bile's birth mother, Shannon, is now talking to the media 15 00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:55.200 and saying that she wants to have a relationship with 16 00:00:55.280 --> 00:00:59.960 her daughter. She was not at the Paris Olympics. Shannon 17 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:07.000 was four thousand miles away. She basically is living, as 18 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:09.719 she calls it, in a world of hurt, feeling like 19 00:01:09.799 --> 00:01:13.359 she's been rejected by her daughter. If you don't know 20 00:01:13.439 --> 00:01:18.200 the backstory. Simone or Shannon. The mother lost custody of 21 00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:21.239 Simone and her sister into foster care when Simone was 22 00:01:21.319 --> 00:01:23.840 just three years old, and then she and her sister 23 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:29.599 were eventually adopted by their grandfather, Shannon's dad. But Force 24 00:01:30.040 --> 00:01:33.120 hold the fort here. There's also two other kids that 25 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:36.599 were adopted by their aunt, so that would be Shannon 26 00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:41.120 the mom's sister. But in total, but Shannon the mother, 27 00:01:41.680 --> 00:01:46.319 who struggled with addiction for years, actually has a total 28 00:01:46.760 --> 00:01:50.640 of eight children, so it's not clear who raised some 29 00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:52.120 of them or botht of them, but we know that 30 00:01:52.200 --> 00:01:54.799 four of them at least were raised by her father 31 00:01:55.319 --> 00:02:00.159 and her sister, one of those being Simone Biles. They 32 00:02:00.200 --> 00:02:05.159 have not talked, they have not seen each other. The 33 00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:10.039 Apparently the birth mom gets news of Simone over the 34 00:02:10.120 --> 00:02:14.280 years through her dad, but her dad says it wasn't 35 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:20.680 healthy for her to be in touch. So Simone biles mother, 36 00:02:21.639 --> 00:02:25.919 instead of calling her daughter or writing a letter, calls 37 00:02:25.960 --> 00:02:29.919 the Daily Mail and this is what she told them. 38 00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:32.240 I want to let her know that I love her. 39 00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:34.759 I'm very proud of her, you know, but I'm just 40 00:02:34.840 --> 00:02:35.800 still waiting, you know. 41 00:02:36.199 --> 00:02:37.879 I would like to sit down and talk to you, 42 00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:39.879 answer any questions you may have. 43 00:02:41.439 --> 00:02:45.240 Now, I want to be clear about something. When someone 44 00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:52.680 struggles with addiction, especially for decades as this woman did, 45 00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:57.759 the brain can change. There could be all kinds of 46 00:02:57.840 --> 00:03:05.000 reasons why she's for her daughter to reach out. Interestingly enough, 47 00:03:05.479 --> 00:03:09.400 this interview went viral online and one of Simone's other 48 00:03:09.560 --> 00:03:15.240 sisters also spoke out on TikTok defending her mother. Listen 49 00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:15.479 to this. 50 00:03:16.759 --> 00:03:18.680 I want to come to this internet and defend my 51 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:24.680 mom because she might not be everything that we expect 52 00:03:24.719 --> 00:03:26.120 it for her to be, but at the end of 53 00:03:26.120 --> 00:03:28.800 the day, she's still a work in progress. 54 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:35.000 And we give her that. So yes, the big question 55 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:40.360 is if one is estranged from their parent, or their 56 00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:45.319 child or another family member, is it a good idea 57 00:03:45.879 --> 00:03:50.039 to search for reconciliation. I should tell you that this 58 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:56.520 is a fairly common situation. One nationally representative study showed 59 00:03:56.520 --> 00:04:02.639 that twenty seven percent of Americans are actively estranged from 60 00:04:02.680 --> 00:04:07.360 at least one family member. That's almost one in three Americans. 61 00:04:07.719 --> 00:04:11.759 So this is very very common. Now, let's talk about 62 00:04:11.800 --> 00:04:16.680 who is more likely to be estranged from a family member. 63 00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:22.560 One study found that six percent of respondents reported estrangement 64 00:04:22.639 --> 00:04:27.519 from their mother, while twenty six percent reported estrangement from 65 00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:33.720 their father. So more often people are rejecting a father. Also, 66 00:04:34.120 --> 00:04:39.279 white adult sons, they're the ones more likely to be 67 00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:42.920 given the cold shoulder and not talking to mom. Black 68 00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:46.399 sons and daughters in this particular study were both more 69 00:04:46.519 --> 00:04:49.920 likely to be estranged from their fathers and less likely 70 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:53.879 to be estranged from their mothers. Now Also, members of 71 00:04:53.920 --> 00:04:57.560 the LGBTQ plus community were more likely to be estranged 72 00:04:57.560 --> 00:05:02.480 from their fathers than their heterosexual appears. Fully, thirty two 73 00:05:02.519 --> 00:05:06.079 percent of gay or lesbian adult children thirty six percent 74 00:05:06.120 --> 00:05:11.839 of bisexual adult children have reported estrangement from their fathers. Okay, 75 00:05:11.879 --> 00:05:14.600 so why what does the research say? What are the 76 00:05:14.600 --> 00:05:17.480 most common reasons that people are just saying that's it, 77 00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:21.319 you're not allowed in my life. The most common reasons 78 00:05:21.399 --> 00:05:25.199 cited in the research have to do with abuse, and 79 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:29.720 that abuse could be emotional, physical, or sexual. In the 80 00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:33.879 case of LGBTQ plus children, it is about coming out 81 00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:36.000 to their religious parents. 82 00:05:36.360 --> 00:05:36.879 So it is. 83 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:42.720 Religiary religiosity that creates the final straw. So what does 84 00:05:42.759 --> 00:05:50.399 the research say about getting back together? Can people reconcile well, 85 00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:53.680 the good news is yes, one in three, almost one 86 00:05:53.680 --> 00:05:56.120 in three Americans aren't talking to some family member at 87 00:05:56.120 --> 00:06:00.600 this point. But the research suggests that very few of 88 00:06:00.680 --> 00:06:04.800 these estrangements are permanent. In fact, there are many studies 89 00:06:05.079 --> 00:06:08.920 that show that there are periods of estrangement are often 90 00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:16.920 followed by periods of reconciliation. So how do you reconcile? Well, 91 00:06:16.959 --> 00:06:23.079 according to therapists, it's all about helping the parent take responsibility. 92 00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:27.079 Some therapists work with parents to help them write a 93 00:06:27.199 --> 00:06:30.839 letter to the child that they have wronged. They want 94 00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:33.199 the parent to be able to say things like, it's 95 00:06:33.360 --> 00:06:36.519 clear I have some significant blind spots as a person 96 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:39.279 and a parent, and I don't have a better understanding 97 00:06:39.319 --> 00:06:43.319 of what caused this, or maybe the parent can simply 98 00:06:43.360 --> 00:06:49.480 say I'm sorry I let you down. Simone Bile's mother, 99 00:06:50.480 --> 00:06:52.560 I don't know if she's ready to say this, if 100 00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:55.480 she's written a letter, if she's done anything to try 101 00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:58.879 to contact Simone. But if you look at just her interview, 102 00:06:59.279 --> 00:07:02.439 it implies that she's just waiting for the phone call 103 00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:05.879 from her daughter, and I think it should come the 104 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:09.240 other way around. I do want to say that not 105 00:07:09.639 --> 00:07:14.759 every relationship needs to be reconciled. You know, friends are 106 00:07:14.800 --> 00:07:19.639 the family you choose, and working with a licensed therapist 107 00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:25.680 who's empathetic can help you get reparented, get the love 108 00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:29.519 and the warmth and acceptance that you might have missed 109 00:07:29.560 --> 00:07:32.959 out on in childhood. I'm very sorry if any of 110 00:07:33.000 --> 00:07:36.000 you are going through this, Kayla. We should try to 111 00:07:36.079 --> 00:07:38.959 get Simone Bile's mother, Shannon on the show because she 112 00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:41.360 seems to be wanting to do media, because I'm really 113 00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:43.480 curious to know if she's reached out to her. Yes, 114 00:07:43.519 --> 00:07:45.839 I'm definitely going to be working on that. Okay, great, 115 00:07:46.279 --> 00:07:50.399 all right, when we come back, guess what are teenagers? 116 00:07:50.759 --> 00:07:53.680 Their mental health are finally starting to get better. I'm 117 00:07:53.720 --> 00:07:55.879 noticing it in the college classroom. By the way, let 118 00:07:55.920 --> 00:07:57.759 me explain when we get back. You are listening to 119 00:07:57.800 --> 00:07:59.800 the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on k I AM six 120 00:07:59.839 --> 00:08:02.279 meters already live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 121 00:08:03.480 --> 00:08:07.720 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 122 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:09.680 AM six forty. 123 00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:12.639 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 124 00:08:12.879 --> 00:08:17.959 AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So, 125 00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:22.079 if you're a parent, you probably worry like I did 126 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:27.120 and do about the impact of what happened during COVID 127 00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:29.680 to our kids. Now, most of the stuff you're hearing 128 00:08:29.720 --> 00:08:34.159 about is this delay in learning, right, because let's be honest, 129 00:08:34.279 --> 00:08:37.960 ume learning is not the same, especially for the younger kids. 130 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:42.039 We were so worried. But I remember during COVID. When 131 00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:44.080 I say COVID, I mean when we were on lockdown 132 00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:47.279 and we were doing our radio shows from our kitchen table. 133 00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:51.799 I had a psychiatrist on the show and she predicted 134 00:08:51.840 --> 00:08:57.519 something very interesting. She predicted that the younger kids not 135 00:08:57.600 --> 00:09:03.159 only would be least impacted by going on zoom and 136 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:08.320 being stuck at home, but that they might benefit from it. 137 00:09:08.720 --> 00:09:11.919 And I'm thinking, like, what do you mean? Now? What 138 00:09:11.960 --> 00:09:15.240 you should know is there's a huge range of developmental 139 00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:19.480 milestones intellectually with kids. It's not that one is smarter 140 00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:21.759 than the other when they're five or six years old. 141 00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:25.360 Some of them just aren't ready yet. In fact, there 142 00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:28.480 is a whole school of thought amongst the homeschool moms 143 00:09:28.759 --> 00:09:31.279 that you shouldn't even begin to teach a kid how 144 00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:34.759 to read until age seven or eight. So if there 145 00:09:34.840 --> 00:09:38.399 is a kid who's younger and who's reading they could 146 00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:40.759 easily be doing that and the other ones by the 147 00:09:40.759 --> 00:09:43.320 time they get back in the classroom. They're now all 148 00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:45.799 being taught together at the same time and everybody's ready. 149 00:09:46.120 --> 00:09:49.960 So you could say that for many kids, that the 150 00:09:50.039 --> 00:09:52.960 younger ones I'm talking about kindergarten, first, second, third grade, 151 00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:56.279 I think third grade, second and third of the big 152 00:09:56.320 --> 00:10:00.759 reading years, right, that it might not be so much 153 00:10:00.840 --> 00:10:03.279 of a problem. But the other thing the psychiatrist said 154 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:07.440 which really hit home for me, is that younger children 155 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:12.399 need more than anything their parents. They need to have 156 00:10:12.840 --> 00:10:17.279 a secure attachment, they need to have consistent caregivers. They 157 00:10:17.360 --> 00:10:20.240 need to have people around them at home, a tribe 158 00:10:20.559 --> 00:10:23.159 not shuttled around to day carees and schools and after 159 00:10:23.159 --> 00:10:27.519 school programs and just moved around while parents worked. And 160 00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:31.200 this psychiatrist, I think it was doctor Eva Ritfoe from Miami, 161 00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:37.799 said that many of these young children would hugely benefit. 162 00:10:38.559 --> 00:10:44.200 So we also know that teenagers probably wouldn't do well. 163 00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:46.440 You know what I say to Mike, I have been saying, 164 00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:48.799 We've been back in the classroom for what two years 165 00:10:48.840 --> 00:10:50.679 now or something two and a half years. I can't 166 00:10:50.840 --> 00:10:53.679 keep track. It's like Rip Van Winkle Town with this 167 00:10:53.759 --> 00:10:58.639 COVID time, but I always ask them every year, can 168 00:10:58.679 --> 00:11:01.600 you remind me what years were you on zoom? Like, 169 00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:04.679 what school years did you miss out on? And at 170 00:11:04.679 --> 00:11:07.600 the beginning, of course, they would say eleventh and twelfth. 171 00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:10.440 Then they started to say tenth and eleventh, and then 172 00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:14.840 they started to say ninth and tenth, right, And I 173 00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:20.639 could see that those students had lost a lot socially. 174 00:11:21.480 --> 00:11:24.159 My joke, it's just a joke, folks, but it makes 175 00:11:24.200 --> 00:11:27.399 the students laugh that I say every year, wait a minute, 176 00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:29.960 you were supposed to be out kissing boys and smoking weed. 177 00:11:30.159 --> 00:11:32.399 What were you doing sitting in your room scrolling through 178 00:11:32.440 --> 00:11:35.080 social media? That's not good for your mental health, right, 179 00:11:35.320 --> 00:11:39.720 And they all laugh. I noticed that those students soon 180 00:11:39.799 --> 00:11:46.759 after COVID had social issues. They were extremely shy, They 181 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:49.399 had a lot of social anxiety. I would put them 182 00:11:49.399 --> 00:11:52.120 into discussion groups. I'd step out to go to the 183 00:11:52.120 --> 00:11:54.159 bathroom and come back and the whole group would just 184 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:56.200 be staring at their phones. It was silence in a 185 00:11:56.279 --> 00:12:00.440 discussion group. Right. Well, I'm really excited to tell you 186 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:05.320 that I taught last week two different classes of freshmen, 187 00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:09.480 and again I said, what year were you guys on zoom, 188 00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:13.960 and they all said eighth grade. And I'm like eighth grade. 189 00:12:14.200 --> 00:12:19.360 And these kids didn't seem to be as mentally impacted 190 00:12:19.600 --> 00:12:23.519 as the other ones. So maybe doctor Eva Ritvau was right. 191 00:12:23.879 --> 00:12:27.320 The younger the better because they're home, or they're still 192 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:32.039 their primary attachment figures, are still their family of origin. Right. Anyway, 193 00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:34.120 it was a delight to teach all you guys, if 194 00:12:34.120 --> 00:12:37.720 you're listening. We broke into discussion groups. I had to 195 00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:40.960 calm everybody down. The room got so loud. Isn't that great? 196 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:43.200 They were all talking to each other. This is, you know, 197 00:12:43.279 --> 00:12:48.480 my little non endorsed analytical study. It's just me. Okay, 198 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:51.799 nothing official about that study, but I feel I'm feeling 199 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:57.000 it all right, So let me tell you this. The 200 00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:00.679 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released to report this 201 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.879 week that says that young people are faring better in 202 00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:07.360 their mental health in the past few years after a 203 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:13.200 period of increased sadness and hopelessness. This is what I 204 00:13:13.399 --> 00:13:17.240 have been witnessing. The data released last week showed a 205 00:13:17.399 --> 00:13:20.159 two percent decrease from twenty one to twenty three in 206 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:24.000 high school students reporting they felt sad or hopeless. That 207 00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:27.000 meant it dropped from oh I'm sorry forty two percent 208 00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:29.759 to forty percent. I'm sorry, teenagers, forty percent of you 209 00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:33.440 are still feeling sad and hopeless. I want to say something. 210 00:13:33.440 --> 00:13:37.799 Can we normalize sadness amongst teenagers? I remember locking myself 211 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:40.679 in the bathroom with those rushes of hormones when I 212 00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:43.679 was fifteen years old and just crying for no reason 213 00:13:43.960 --> 00:13:46.799 and being so confused about it. I think depression is 214 00:13:46.840 --> 00:13:50.840 a normal part of I don't know, maybe not. Anyway, 215 00:13:51.679 --> 00:13:54.720 this study showed that the most meaningful improvements were among 216 00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:59.720 marginalized groups. Now, you got to remember it wasn't so 217 00:13:59.799 --> 00:14:02.639 long long ago that the US Surgeon General issued a 218 00:14:02.679 --> 00:14:06.440 health advisory that highlighted the impact of social media and 219 00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:12.840 isolation on young people as well. But I think we 220 00:14:12.919 --> 00:14:16.120 are seeing an increase in mental health partly because of 221 00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:19.039 the return to in class learning and also the return 222 00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:22.639 to all those extracurricular activities, all the sports and clubs 223 00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:27.519 and everything. This is what improves mental health. I want 224 00:14:27.519 --> 00:14:31.960 to remind you across the board the number one thing. 225 00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:34.320 It's not what you eat, it's not how you exercise, 226 00:14:34.360 --> 00:14:36.679 it's not how you sleep. All that's important, but The 227 00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:39.919 number one thing above all of those that improves our 228 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:45.759 mental health are healthy social relationships. It's people, and it's 229 00:14:45.799 --> 00:14:49.559 about being around people that is good for our health. 230 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:55.200 And I think the kids are finally out there. I 231 00:14:55.240 --> 00:14:59.000 do want to say that looking at some of the 232 00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:04.080 other research that's come out, kids with an above average 233 00:15:04.120 --> 00:15:09.360 household income said the pandemic had a positive impact on 234 00:15:09.480 --> 00:15:15.320 family relationships. However, that was about sixty four percent. Only 235 00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:19.279 thirty four percent of kids with a below average household 236 00:15:19.399 --> 00:15:24.559 income experienced a positive impact of family relationships. Duh, because 237 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:27.840 the parents were still working. We're talking about essential workers 238 00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:31.320 who were still out there working by the hour and 239 00:15:31.399 --> 00:15:34.480 coming home stressed because they were in masks and gloves 240 00:15:34.519 --> 00:15:39.399 and face shields and dealing with cantankerous, anxiety ridden customers. 241 00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:39.879 Right. 242 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:45.039 Of course, the high income households had kids who improved 243 00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:48.080 because their mom and dad could work on zoom and 244 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:51.440 be at home with them. Kids need their parents. Hey, 245 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:53.919 when we come back, how about some news on how 246 00:15:53.960 --> 00:15:58.639 we can all learn to strengthen our happiness muscle. All 247 00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:03.039 from a new book written by a UCLA psychiatry professor. 248 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:04.080 I want to be Happy. 249 00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:09.240 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 250 00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:10.399 AM six forty. 251 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:14.480 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 252 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:19.039 AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Did 253 00:16:19.039 --> 00:16:25.720 you know that happiness or optimism versus pessimism is partly genetic? 254 00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:29.759 They say that about fifty percent of whether we're generally 255 00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:33.039 a happy person or a curmudgeon has to do with 256 00:16:33.080 --> 00:16:37.840 our genes, and then about ten percent has to do 257 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:43.399 with our economic situation. The research shows that people who 258 00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:47.440 are below the poverty liner in living in poverty and 259 00:16:47.559 --> 00:16:51.679 then move into the middle class get the biggest boost 260 00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:55.320 in happiness related to economics. However, people who move from 261 00:16:55.399 --> 00:16:58.480 the middle class to the upper middle class or the 262 00:16:58.559 --> 00:17:01.639 upper middle class into the healthy don't get a new 263 00:17:01.679 --> 00:17:04.920 boost of happiness. Think about it. Now, they have to 264 00:17:04.960 --> 00:17:07.880 keep up with the Joneses. Now, it's very competitive. They 265 00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:10.240 have to worry about their image right, and they have 266 00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:12.680 to worry about paying for all those bills. In fact, 267 00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:16.039 there's research to show that it is the upper middle 268 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:20.599 class who are most unhappy when it comes to social 269 00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:24.960 class consciousness because they're pretending they're rich and they have 270 00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:28.400 a lot of big bills to keep up that thing anyway. 271 00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:32.640 Bigger point here is that forty percent of happiness is 272 00:17:32.680 --> 00:17:36.160 all about us, what we do and what we think. 273 00:17:36.839 --> 00:17:40.799 A new book out by doctor Jenny Taits at UCLA 274 00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:45.160 is called Stress Resets, How to Sue Your Body and 275 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:48.880 Mind in Minutes, and she has a prescription for how 276 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:52.720 all of us can learn to strengthen our happiness muscle, 277 00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:56.599 and some of it has some very interesting exercises in it. 278 00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.920 So one of the things she suggests is simply to 279 00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:06.799 plan a happy activity every day and don't put it off. 280 00:18:07.359 --> 00:18:11.160 Make it a priority on your schedule. Right. So it 281 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:14.160 might be something like, you know, treating yourself to a 282 00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:18.279 favorite snack, taking a break to read a few pages 283 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:23.200 of a juicy novel you've wanted to read, facetiming a friend. 284 00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:27.640 For me, it's often like if I'm working at my 285 00:18:27.720 --> 00:18:30.680 computer at home and I'm feeling like I'm not getting 286 00:18:30.759 --> 00:18:34.400 enough bright sunlight, my happy thing is always to just 287 00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:38.119 go outside for a brisk walk in the bright sunlight, 288 00:18:38.359 --> 00:18:40.440 and that's my treat and I do it when I 289 00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:44.160 hit on things like hit numbers on my to do list, right, 290 00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:46.640 I always make sure there's a reward in it for me. 291 00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:52.279 The other thing is we have to learn to become 292 00:18:52.559 --> 00:18:55.480 more aware of the good things that happen and take 293 00:18:55.519 --> 00:18:59.599 time to focus on them. Great example, as you know, 294 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.319 and I'll keep talking about it for an entire year, 295 00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:04.200 right right, Kayla, I can talk about it for a 296 00:19:04.240 --> 00:19:07.519 whole year. That's what I say. Okay, I got married 297 00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:10.400 a few weeks ago. And there is a tendency things 298 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:12.680 happened with weddings. Right. A friend of mine warned me 299 00:19:12.680 --> 00:19:15.000 about this. She goes there will be people who will 300 00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:17.319 say yes, yess, I'm coming at the last minute, don't come, 301 00:19:17.319 --> 00:19:19.359 and there could be very legitimate reasons why they don't come, 302 00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:22.240 and you can feel very disappointed. There can be people 303 00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:24.799 who leave early. They can be all kinds of things 304 00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:30.279 that happen, and it's really easy to focus on the letdowns. 305 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:34.960 But every time Julio says something like oh I wish 306 00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:37.559 my friend so and so could have made it and 307 00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:41.000 they were working or something, I always say, don't spend 308 00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:44.039 one second talking about what wasn't at our wedding or 309 00:19:44.079 --> 00:19:47.559 who wasn't at our wedding. Only focus on who was 310 00:19:47.880 --> 00:19:50.880 at our wedding, like producer Kayla for instance, who was 311 00:19:50.880 --> 00:19:53.599 there like the whole time. In fact, she was there 312 00:19:53.839 --> 00:19:57.160 an extra day and night because her plane got canceled, 313 00:19:57.200 --> 00:19:59.279 so we had a treat of getting to have her 314 00:19:59.319 --> 00:20:01.519 at our house for I had to treat that farm 315 00:20:01.640 --> 00:20:03.720 is to die for. It was amazing that we got 316 00:20:03.720 --> 00:20:05.400 to keep you for an extra day and spend that 317 00:20:05.440 --> 00:20:10.160 time together. One of the other things that doctor Tates, 318 00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:12.440 I hope I pronounced it way right. It's t ai 319 00:20:12.640 --> 00:20:15.759 t z sure sounds like Tates to me. Doctor Tates 320 00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:22.279 suggests is that we work hard to expand our joy vocabulary. 321 00:20:22.519 --> 00:20:26.799 Many of us struggle to give names to good feelings. 322 00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:30.720 We'll say fine, or that's good or that's great. But 323 00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:36.359 how about that you learn to use greater emotional language 324 00:20:36.440 --> 00:20:39.480 when it comes to positivity, like oh my god, I 325 00:20:39.519 --> 00:20:42.759 went on this walk it felt so serene. Or I 326 00:20:42.759 --> 00:20:45.519 was listening to music in my earphones and it just 327 00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:49.119 I felt so elated. It was exhilarating when I hit 328 00:20:49.160 --> 00:20:51.599 that cold water and went for a swim. Oh, I 329 00:20:51.720 --> 00:20:55.000 was so delighted when he called. You know, whenever I 330 00:20:55.160 --> 00:20:57.759 talked to you, it inspires me so much. You hear 331 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:04.240 those words serene, exhilarated, delighted, inspired, Those are really cool 332 00:21:04.359 --> 00:21:08.319 positivity words, and we need to practice them and insert them, 333 00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:12.160 insert them into our vocabulary more often. But here's the 334 00:21:12.279 --> 00:21:15.160 other thing. You know what people say to you, how's 335 00:21:15.160 --> 00:21:18.279 it going, How's your day going? Right, even if it's 336 00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:20.960 the cashier at Trader Joe's. I fully am convinced by 337 00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:23.640 the way that they give all their employees before hiring 338 00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:27.480 a Meyers Briggs personality test, and they only hire extroverts. 339 00:21:27.880 --> 00:21:30.480 Have you ever met a cashier at Trader's Joe's who 340 00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:32.880 does not chit chat chit chat chit chat And they'll 341 00:21:32.920 --> 00:21:34.680 see something in your bag and go, you know what 342 00:21:34.720 --> 00:21:36.160 I do with that? I like to mix it with 343 00:21:36.200 --> 00:21:37.920 this other sauce and put it over pasta. You have 344 00:21:37.960 --> 00:21:40.799 you tried our little and they're upselling you while they're 345 00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:43.279 standing there. But it's fun because you're having this great conversation. 346 00:21:43.799 --> 00:21:46.279 So the next time somebody, it may be the Trader 347 00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:49.519 Joe's cashier or maybe somebody else, says how's your day going? 348 00:21:50.240 --> 00:21:54.839 Instead of saying good things are all right, how about 349 00:21:54.960 --> 00:21:58.759 spread the cheer and say, actually, the coolest thing happened today. 350 00:21:59.400 --> 00:22:00.759 Do you know how you're going to be able to 351 00:22:00.759 --> 00:22:04.519 respond quickly with the coolest thing happened today, You're going 352 00:22:04.599 --> 00:22:08.119 to record them in your head as they happened. That 353 00:22:08.200 --> 00:22:13.200 means becoming more aware of the good in life. So 354 00:22:13.319 --> 00:22:16.279 much of life is just where we put our attention, 355 00:22:17.160 --> 00:22:20.559 what we're focusing on. Here's my favorite example of this. 356 00:22:21.359 --> 00:22:23.839 Let's say you've decided you're going to buy a new car. 357 00:22:24.079 --> 00:22:26.400 You've decided to make modeling color. You just haven't had 358 00:22:26.440 --> 00:22:28.119 a chance to go in and get the financing and 359 00:22:28.119 --> 00:22:29.799 go to the dealer, but you know you're going to 360 00:22:29.880 --> 00:22:33.319 get this car. Do you notice, once you've decided on 361 00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:35.839 this happy little car that you're going to get, every 362 00:22:35.880 --> 00:22:37.200 time you pull up to a red light, there it 363 00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:39.160 is there, it is someone's driving it. It's right there. 364 00:22:39.160 --> 00:22:42.799 But you see it everywhere because you've brought your attention 365 00:22:43.519 --> 00:22:48.400 to that idea. So if you spend your day catching 366 00:22:48.519 --> 00:22:54.000 others being good, catching yourself feeling good, looking at the 367 00:22:54.039 --> 00:22:57.759 world around you, and going that is so neat. I'm 368 00:22:57.880 --> 00:23:02.160 so lucky to be here to see this right, And 369 00:23:02.359 --> 00:23:05.920 I promise you those little moments are in your day, 370 00:23:06.519 --> 00:23:14.680 all day long. That is how you strengthen your happiness muscle. Hey, 371 00:23:14.759 --> 00:23:17.480 when we come back, can we talk about the Bachelor? 372 00:23:17.880 --> 00:23:21.559 And there's a specific Bachelor. Did you know, producer Kayla 373 00:23:21.880 --> 00:23:24.920 that the Bachelor is in thirty seven countries. I did 374 00:23:24.960 --> 00:23:28.079 not know that it's very popular. Uh huh. Well, there's 375 00:23:28.200 --> 00:23:32.920 a bachelor in the Ukraine that crashed the whole Bachelor 376 00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:34.960 website because so many women tried to sign up to 377 00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:35.279 meet him. 378 00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:36.079 He must be hot. 379 00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:37.759 Yeah, he is hot. Let's talk about him when we 380 00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:39.680 come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendywall Show 381 00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:42.880 on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 382 00:23:42.920 --> 00:23:43.880 iHeartRadio app. 383 00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:48.599 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 384 00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:49.720 AM six forty. 385 00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:52.880 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 386 00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:56.880 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 387 00:23:57.599 --> 00:24:01.359 So you should know that that Bachelor franchise that you 388 00:24:01.440 --> 00:24:04.640 keep hearing about that we're all addicted to, which Okay, 389 00:24:04.680 --> 00:24:07.279 I'm just going to say it's not my favorite representation 390 00:24:07.400 --> 00:24:11.039 of love and dating because intimacy is supposed to grow 391 00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:13.680 in private. I don't mean physical intimacy, I even mean 392 00:24:13.759 --> 00:24:17.000 emotional intimacy. And when you've got cameras around you and 393 00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:21.119 a makeup team, it's not really real if you don't 394 00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:24.200 know what The Bachelor is. Of course, it's a relationship 395 00:24:24.279 --> 00:24:27.920 reality TV show where you get one dude and a 396 00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:31.839 whole bunch of bachelorettes and vying for him to choose 397 00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:37.240 one of them. This also defies basic human nature because 398 00:24:37.240 --> 00:24:41.160 the Bachelorette is far more realistic, where there are a 399 00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:45.000 bunch of men vying to impress one woman who eventually 400 00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:48.720 might share her bloodstream and her eggs and her heart 401 00:24:48.839 --> 00:24:51.599