Speaker 1: Good morning from Hell.
Speaker 2: It is I Commander of Clutchon, brother of Satan, and
Secretary of War for Hell's Army, and I'm.
Speaker 3: Chris in my eternal punishment is to do this podcast
where we interview everyone in Hell.
Speaker 2: It's right, you got a lot of good energy, Chris,
and I'm liking this. You come, You're coming in big,
coming in strong. So this is the big day. This
is the big day. We're here on the battlefield here
in Purgatory about to kick some angel.
Speaker 3: Ass, the great Battle between Heaven and Hell where we
have millions of Hell's Army are all gathered here on
the battlefield.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, four horsemen really came in clutch there there
at the end the final hour. You know, you know,
we didn't think we'd have much of an army to
come with, but you know, they really brought it.
Speaker 1: So we got everybody out here. You're gonna be hearing
lots of people today.
Speaker 3: Yeah, almost like a big finale with tons of guest voices.
Speaker 2: It'll be like that. Yeah, it'd be like it'd be
like it's like the Avengers in game battle, but like
way cooler and way higher production value because it's real.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we don't have to do any cgi No, but
if we did, it would look better, oh for sure,
for sure. So so you got your your tank. It's
a little smaller than I thought it might.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a little bit smaller.
Speaker 2: It's the The Amazon listing was very deceptive. I thought
I was getting a full sized tank, military grade.
Speaker 1: This is a power wheels tank.
Speaker 3: Uh huh yeah, but you know it still looks good, right, yeah,
I mean from Afar or like or maybe up close
maybe without It looks good.
Speaker 2: It looks realistic. Can it shoot? It could shooting nerf
nerf balls. Yeah, so I covered some of them in poison.
I also, I don't know if you notice, when I
gave my tank a red painting job, I had just
enough time that I was able to do. It's still drying,
so don't touch it. Don't touch it.
Speaker 1: I'm still drying. Uh.
Speaker 2: It moves around pretty well. Yeah, it's not bad. I'm
I mean the carrying capacities one hundred and thirty pounds,
but like you know.
Speaker 3: It looks like that's recommended, but you're definitely maxing well
going over the recommendation because this puppy, Chris, it could.
Speaker 2: Get about what three I mean, I could race you,
but you you know, I don't want to embarrass you
in this hot wheels it's yeah, power wheels, whatever it's called.
Speaker 3: Yeah, No, I mean it's it's good. It's it's it's impressive.
Speaker 2: So anyways, let's let's go start inspecting the troops. You know,
we got to meet up with a few people, some
military advisors, some other shrew Chris.
Speaker 1: What are you doing?
Speaker 3: I'm drumming, you know, like I'm the drummer boy. That's
why you gave me a drum like, you know, to
keep the troops marching.
Speaker 1: Set right.
Speaker 2: It's hard hard to talk because it's so off beat.
Speaker 1: Chris, could you.
Speaker 2: Stop drumming for just like five seconds?
Speaker 1: That is that's bad?
Speaker 2: It sounds good to me. I like hitting the thing. Sure,
I mean, it does you purpose, but you might be
the worst drummer ever, worse than Ringo.
Speaker 4: Hey, that's not true. We think you've got lots of potential, Chris.
Speaker 3: Yeah, mate, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, what are y'all doing here?
Speaker 5: The Beatles are reuniting to do little uso jam sash
and we're looking for a drummer if you're interested, Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2: But you know, it doesn't. Ringo play the drums.
Speaker 4: That's why we're looking for a new drama. Ringo's awful.
Oh right here everything he said good, we'll say it again. Ringo,
your shit, real shit.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's fair.
Speaker 3: So y'all are playing music for the troops. What happened
to get piece of chance? I thought that was your
whole thing.
Speaker 4: That's not what I was singing about.
Speaker 5: He was saying, give cheese a Jones, prol those lectose
and tolerance.
Speaker 2: A much better message if you ask me. And hey guys,
glad you guys are reporting for Judy. All right, go Beatles.
I can't leave. You have Chris, so I need someone
to block the bullets for me. So you'll just have
to suffer through.
Speaker 1: Ringo.
Speaker 4: Sorry, say what song should we play? Let it bree?
Speaker 5: I think we should play okay by Beatles?
Speaker 2: He all right, Chris, let's get going, hop on the tank. Okay, Well,
what about the drum? I don't know if I can
hold on to.
Speaker 1: Leave the drum down? Put the drum down?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 6: Wow?
Speaker 2: Really really moving along now, it's like just thin cruises.
Speaker 3: I mean, I guess I could walk faster, but it's
still it's nice it's luxury.
Speaker 2: It's nice.
Speaker 7: I like it.
Speaker 2: So Clayton, what's the actual battle plan? Well, funny should
ask that, Chris, because we were on our way to
our strategy meeting up in this tent. We've got our
top generals building our plan against seven. He's unaccepted. Get
your hand out of your all right, Napoleon, Hello Stalin,
Hello Bull. All right now, gentlemen, so you know, walk
me through the plane.
Speaker 6: What are we doing?
Speaker 2: All right, Clayton.
Speaker 8: Lasts you can see we have the the map here
and the little figurines, the little mini chump, he says,
representing all of you, the Phalanxes and the rest of
the artillery and all of the different regiments.
Speaker 9: But I'm going to got to be real honest with you, Clayton.
Most of this time has been spent painting the figurines.
We've been spending a lot, and it's this guy's fault.
He's being very precious about, you know, painting the little things.
Speaker 1: Getting everything.
Speaker 10: No.
Speaker 9: Look, I've been painting these figurines like they're supposed to
be painted. I was just following the directions on this
little miniature figuring painting kits that came with the figurines.
I'm just following directions, okay, which is what a good
soldier does. Or maybe you don't know anything about that Napoleon.
Speaker 2: Oh whoa, guys, guys, Okay, now we're running up against
the clock here, so like maybe we should start, you know,
laying out the figures, you know, like who's the general,
like which pieces is there? You know represent us?
Speaker 4: Well, obviously I will be this little horse figurine right here.
Speaker 9: Cannot believe what I'm hearing. You're the horse figure. A
horse is strong, it's big, it's powerful. I will be
the horse.
Speaker 2: I'm going to even paint wait, let me see that.
I'm going to paint in on the other side. I'm
giving him a red whoa, guys, guys, no fighting in
the war room. All right, now, we're gonna settle this
right here, right now. You just flip a coin. Okay,
whoever's head gets to be the horse figure, and whoever's tails,
all right, you'll be the thimble. Okay, No, come on,
no one wants to be the thimble. The thimble is
the worst. I was always the thimble.
Speaker 9: I want to be the top hat at least, or
the little car. But no way, am I going to
be the thimble get out.
Speaker 3: If you know, Lincoln is the top And look how
good that turned out for him.
Speaker 9: Yeah, look what wearing a top Look what I at
that landed him wearing a top hat.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, guys, I'm gonna need you to figure
out a strategy. Okay, I mean, let's get something together
lickety split, because we're in the eleventh hour.
Speaker 1: So uh you guys do that. We're gonna go continue
to check on the other troops.
Speaker 6: All right, bye, boys.
Speaker 2: The figures looked great, by the.
Speaker 1: Way, Oh thank you, thank you very much. Chris, did
you hear them?
Speaker 2: Okay, Chris, I don't want to get caught up in
the nitty gritty of tactics and strategy, all right, we
should be focusing on the important things like the weapons. No,
the snacks. Over here, we've gotten all you caun eat
buffet staffed by Hell's top chefs. We got Chef Bile
and Guy Ferrari. Gentlemen, Hey, what's cooking?
Speaker 10: Hey, guys, me and Guy have some dishes here that
will blow your socks off.
Speaker 11: It's actually a real explosion of flavors like bam, but
not like I'm not.
Speaker 1: Gonna get sued.
Speaker 2: So does that mean everything's like really spicy? Uh no, Chris,
they're literally feeding the troops explosive. That way, if they
get shot, they'll blow up and hopefully take a few
angels out with them. Huh. So what's on the menu?
Speaker 1: Bile?
Speaker 10: First, I need some T and T powder into a block.
Speaker 1: Of sea form.
Speaker 2: I'm actually molded to look like a little cute, little
kidny cat.
Speaker 10: I then drizzle some nitroglycerin over the top, garnished with
a couple of bullets, and after you take your first bite, guy,
and I cramped some m eighties into your stupid little mouthfold.
Speaker 11: Yeah, what we want to do is, actually we want
them to detonate into a big ball of shit, pissed,
blood and guts, you know, really like, yeah, the full package,
it's a five course meal. Maybe throwing some cum quat
And I don't know if you're aware of this, but
it's just come. You know, we just added quat at
the end to trigg people.
Speaker 1: But they've just.
Speaker 11: Been they've just been guzzling come for quite some time.
Speaker 2: Flavor town.
Speaker 10: Bam, Chris, care to try some?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: No, I'm good.
Speaker 1: Thanks.
Speaker 2: Well, guys, this looks amazing Hey, make sure you say it, Chris,
some leftovers, all right, come on, Chris. So where are
we headed now? Well, Chris, you know we're gonna be
talking to the most important part of our military, all right,
the muscle, the might. We're talking to the infantry before.
Speaker 1: They're all inevitably killed.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, we got to make sure that Oliver,
our meat is ready for the grinder. So, uh let
me see up ahead, we've got uh oh, there's the
monster squad. Looks like they're warming up with the Monster
mash classic.
Speaker 1: That's great.
Speaker 2: Uh oh oh, doctor Frankison, Hey.
Speaker 1: How are things good.
Speaker 2: Nice to see you to again. So doctor Frankensin, are
you gonna be working as a medic on the field.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You could like reassemble the bodies
of all the dead troops and make like super troopers.
Speaker 12: Yeah, I've been doing that all morning.
Speaker 2: What but the battle hasn't started yet.
Speaker 12: My boy here hadn't socialized a hale at prior to army.
But it's the homeschooling. So he's been hugging people to death, oh, owned,
shaking their hands to death, owned, high fiving them to death.
Just a lot of things that end with death.
Speaker 2: God to meet you. No, hey, buddy, we've already met
all right, Hey, catch up with you, big fellow.
Speaker 6: There go go go go, go, go go go go.
Speaker 2: Oh boy, he's got big Oh look it's our friend,
the vegan werewolf.
Speaker 1: Hey, guys, just a reminder. I will kill, but I
refuse to eat anyone because that is unethical.
Speaker 2: Okay, noted, just a killing will do. Oh hey, Samara,
Hey it's the girl.
Speaker 6: Everyone.
Speaker 1: Hey, hey, guys, thanks for inviting me to the battle.
It's nice to get out of the well every now
and then.
Speaker 2: Of course, Hey, we actually wanted to talk to you.
So you know how you have this seven day turnaround
on kills.
Speaker 1: You know, oh you're doing seven days.
Speaker 2: Could you bump that up a bit for the battle?
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, because battles are fast paced. Something like
seven minutes or you know, seven seconds will be great.
Speaker 2: Just yeah, I don't know. I mean, did they watch
the tape? I mean yeah, I assume so we sent
the tape up a week ago to Heaven like you asked.
So probably, I mean I assume they've Let's just assume
they've all seen the tape. Okay, okay, I can make
that work.
Speaker 1: That's great.
Speaker 2: Okay, wait what is that are those snakes?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 1: God, soon get Voltimore down the radio.
Speaker 2: I think that guinea got out again. Oh wait, no,
that's just produces hair. Oh Chris, ever your eyes cramp.
Hey Menissa, so good to see you again. I mean,
not actually see you, but you know.
Speaker 13: H Clayton, Chris, thanks for inviting me. I'm going to
make so much money from this.
Speaker 2: Wait, how did you like make it better something?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 13: No, most of my income is from fighting angels and
then selling their stone bodies to the church's statues.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I had no idea, but you know, now that
I think about it, there were a lot of angel
statues up on Earth, so makes sense.
Speaker 13: Oh yes, some of the uglier ones go with goggoyles,
less money and goggles.
Speaker 2: But still all right, well, best of luck. Hey, oh
business is booming you.
Speaker 13: Oh and hey, let me know if you two want
to get stoned before battle.
Speaker 2: Uh you know, maybe just like one hit to calm
the nerves. Here you go, all right, that's good. I'm
feeling good. Oh you know, I got a great feeling
about today, Chris. Yeah, yeah, not's just squad's looking good.
The food's all ready to go. You know, my generals
are acting like generals. Yeah, okay, well, let's check in
on the artillery division. Oh, cupid, Hey, how's everything looking? Oh?
Really good?
Speaker 6: Like we're really really good.
Speaker 2: Have you seen the angels?
Speaker 11: Mmm?
Speaker 2: So freaking hot. I'm getting hot. Stop I don't want
to hear it. I don't either. Okay, Remember I said
you could come to the war, but only to shoot projectiles.
All right, Oh, I'll.
Speaker 14: Be shooting projectiles all right, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: See, Okay, that's see, this is why they didn't let
you in, having Cupid, all right, just get out of here. Okay, Well,
speaking of projectiles, we're gonna be you know, let's see,
we got some other artillery units here. Oh hey, it's yeah,
ball knock ball knock is sturdy.
Speaker 1: Hey, how's it going, fellas?
Speaker 2: You guys are looking nice? This is fun.
Speaker 1: We're all here together.
Speaker 15: What a what a what a wonderful time to be
to be together here?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, well it see that you got all the sleeper
houses demons. As Chris said, that's great. Thanks for turning
out guys.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you know what we're doing.
Speaker 15: Our best things are tough, you know, because we're mostly
we're people. So this is this is weird being out
in the day, just feeling a little, a little tid,
little jet lag.
Speaker 2: But you know, I mean with they're want the best. Okay, oh,
I'm sorry to hear that, but we appreciate you your sacrifices.
So you're just gonna be loaded up into this cannon.
Speaker 1: Is that the plan?
Speaker 7: Yeah?
Speaker 15: You know, I mean we all despite a small statues
way hundreds of tons, you know, we're very stout, We're
very dense. I had a full cup of dark matter
this morning, so my stomach's like a quasi right now.
It is just so gravity dense. I'm I'm I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna open a black hole on these fellows, you
know what I mean, Just launch me that way and
you know, come what may. But yeah, we're all here.
We're feeling very dense, got a very low center of gravity,
too low, some might say, And yeah, we're ready to
do some damage.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, while you're up in the air, you know,
if you get a little bit of hangtime up there,
you know, just just saying for the biggest, scariest looking
angels and you know, just just headed straight for those
guys and just sit on their chests.
Speaker 1: Just trust those rip caages, would you go? Absolutely?
Speaker 15: Look those those angels, they better watch out, okay, because
ball knocks come knocking.
Speaker 2: All right, that's right, they better watch out.
Speaker 1: All right. You doing good work, ball knock, great job.
Speaker 15: Hey, maybe maybe one more time, full time sake, Chris,
can I just like to sit on your chest here
for a minute.
Speaker 2: We got a little bit of time, Chris, go ahead,
go ahead, do we though, let me do we?
Speaker 1: Here we go?
Speaker 2: Just okay, guys, Chris, stop messing her on?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 15: Well there you go, get up here we go.
Speaker 2: Let me help you up?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 15: Well you boys, take care. Oh, by the way, boys,
next week, if we all aren't vaporized and our existence
snuffed out by a victory from heaven, then a party
next week. You both invited. I'll send an email. It's
on its way. Be lovely to have you both. But
bring something they'll bring like a bottle of wine or something.
Speaker 1: Okay, take care, okay, sounds good, ball knock.
Speaker 2: I'll bring something real nice.
Speaker 1: Oh, Chris, Oh, this is single.
Speaker 2: Get ready, get ready. It's a battle shirt.
Speaker 1: No no, no, no, no, no no no.
Speaker 2: It is time for the parlay. See we got to
go out in the middle of the battlefield and meet
with Eavan's commander negotiate, you know, talk.
Speaker 1: All that jazz.
Speaker 2: Well, what are we gonna negotiate? Honestly, not much. It's
just your last answer. Shit talked to him. So let's
let's go. Oh yeah, go on and dis miss that.
Yeah yeah, okay, all right, well now keep in mind
we're gonna be in the middle of the battlefield, so
heaven hell, both sides they're watching us right now.
Speaker 1: All right, so you puff out.
Speaker 2: Your chest a little bit, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you really good, a merciful smirk.
Speaker 1: On your face, you know. M Yeah, there we go.
Speaker 2: Everyone's watching it.
Speaker 1: Nervous all right, No, you're good, We're good. Just just
play cool, right out, playing cool? Yeah, feel that breeze.
Speaker 7: Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: Why why are we Why are we selling down? Oh no, Chris,
I think the battery is dye.
Speaker 11: The battery.
Speaker 2: The battery, Chris, the battery is dying. Get off, Get off,
Get off, Get off. We're like, you put too much
weight on it. Did you bring the backup battery? No,
we didn't, but you told me not to buy you
said it was extra thirty dollars we didn't know. I
told you not to buy the warranty. The warrants he
was the extra thirty dollars. I wanted you to get
five batteries. Well what do we do? Everyone's watching. Okay,
we're in the mid o. Do we have the horse?
Uh sh, Chris, I got I gotta I gotta ride
on your back.
Speaker 1: What I gotta run on your back?
Speaker 2: I can't just walk up to the middle of the battlefield.
I gotta ride on something. Okay, Oh, okay, all right,
all right, all right, all right, mush can't carry on
my mighty steed.
Speaker 1: Faster.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna I'm gonna get spurs and I will going
faster than the tank. This is faster than the tank,
it is, but not by much. All right, okay, all right,
we're getting closer. All right, all right, follow my lead.
Speaker 1: Okay, whoa, whoa mighty steed? Oh good boy?
Speaker 6: Nay as hell sunk so low that its demons must
ride upon the backs of the eternally damned.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 6: So, whoa?
Speaker 2: You think you're all tough because you have an armored
winged battle horse.
Speaker 1: You're an angel. You have wings already, you idiot.
Speaker 6: I am not an idiot. You're an idiot, Oh good one.
Speaker 2: Who the hell is this guy?
Speaker 6: Anyways? I am Gabriel, leader of Heaven's forces and right
hand of the Lord.
Speaker 2: Which hands you wipe with what God's ass handed he
used to wipe the shit with which which hand.
Speaker 6: I will not speak of the Lord.
Speaker 2: It's his right hand. Everybody, we just got confirmation this
guy wipes God's ass. Enough, can we begin the parlay?
Oh yeah, let's get this party started, all right?
Speaker 1: Go ahead, Purgatory Dory.
Speaker 2: It's not my name, whatever you say, Purgatory Dory.
Speaker 16: Now, if you'll recall from the last meeting between Heaven
and Hell, no one in Purgatory agreed to have the
battle take place here. But we were overruled, and by
that I mean you all just showed up. So could
we possibly negotiate some sort of truce or reschedule or relocation?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no, no no no. Do you have
any idea how much it takes to get a greyhound
bus fare for an entire army? No, I'm not getting
a refund on that. We fight today?
Speaker 16: Well, can we at least get both sides to agree
to no spills or messes? We try to keep things
tidy here in purgatory, got a lot of white, a
lot of beige.
Speaker 6: Do not worry, Purgatory Dory, Heaven will cleanse, cleanse the
floor with this bio excrement.
Speaker 1: Excrement.
Speaker 2: This guy can't stop talking about shit. I mean, also,
who cleans with shit? That's the dumbest thing I've heard
all day. Hey, you want some shit, I'll take it
up right here. Let's get to cleaning. Angel point.
Speaker 16: I don't likes Okay, stop, can you guys just go
fight each other and get this over with. I'm gonna
go call a cleaning company.
Speaker 2: I don't know why you're calling a cleaning company. Purgatory door.
You got this guy right here. He loves shit.
Speaker 6: Bellat with your blood.
Speaker 2: No, we all know it's gonna be brown stains, all right,
See you later, poop Angel. Well, I think that went
really well. I mean I might have shit a little bit,
but you know, I think it went good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I think that's a sign of a
good parlay. So when does the actual fighting start.
Speaker 2: Oh, not for a few more hours. But now now's
the time where I give my big, huge inspirational speech.
I mean, it's really gonna amp up those troops. So
hand me that megaphone. Okay, yeah, here you go.
Speaker 1: Go thinks you're gonna you're gonna love this, Chris. I've
been writing it for weeks.
Speaker 2: I mean it's a little long, but it's really gonna
get everybody super stoked for the battle.
Speaker 1: Okay, here we go, creatures.
Speaker 17: Soldiers, Oh ship it started, Go go, go, go go, Chris,
come on, come on, we gotta oh god, dog explosions,
Chris long my Crisp scip heavy on.
Speaker 1: Machine guns, machine gun.
Speaker 2: There's the machine gun.
Speaker 1: The big one.
Speaker 2: What they didn't let me on the bus with it?
Speaker 17: Oh?
Speaker 3: Cut once, go cut, Jason, he said, no machine guns
on the bus.
Speaker 2: Fine, fine, Just to grab me that sword there. I
think it's Golias, but he doesn't look like he's using it. Well,
he's fighting with something.
Speaker 7: What is that?
Speaker 6: I don't know.
Speaker 2: It looks like it looks like David. Yeah, Glad is
using David as some sort of human club.
Speaker 17: Huh fuck God, I'm gonna shove his head up your ass.
Speaker 1: Oh please don't. That's the sphirical lion. Oh man, maybe
I should try that.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no, here's your short You got
your short?
Speaker 1: No need for that.
Speaker 2: Okay, come on cars, come on moving, Okay, come come
over here, come over here.
Speaker 3: Oh jeezy, Look is that is that Serberts the three
headed dog?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I think they got something pinned down.
I mean they're really going to town on them, the
body saving them over and over. Oh wait, no, they're
they're just humping, aren't they.
Speaker 1: Hey, hey, service, are you? Are you humping?
Speaker 5: Oh hey, fellas.
Speaker 6: Yeah, this is the most action we've gotten in centuries
since all dogs go to Heaven. It's been a while
since we've been able to, you know, do a doggy style.
Speaker 2: And we met.
Speaker 6: Someone really special.
Speaker 7: Guys, this is siety.
Speaker 6: We're in love.
Speaker 2: Oh you turny dogs. He got's gonna be great together.
But hurry up with that? Are you you kill a
few angels?
Speaker 1: Can't we do that? We'll do good luck in the battle.
Speaker 3: Is the only one having But look at George Washington man,
he is having a blasphem.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, she legit teaste the freedom. Nice shooting, George,
keep it on?
Speaker 6: Who said that?
Speaker 1: Whoa die? Oh? Oh god, don't get it down down,
stop on your side on freedom. Come on, I've got
one thousand rounds a minute of America. He's got presidential.
Speaker 2: Chris, there's nothing we can do.
Speaker 1: Quick talking to the trench quick. Oh my god? Oh
oh hey, look it's a toothbairy.
Speaker 2: Hey guys, how's it go a long time?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: See, how's your teeth? Who sight are you on?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 14: No, one's I'm just here for the teeth, baby. This
place is littered with him. Oh look there's one right there.
It's like porcelain gold.
Speaker 2: No, I'm still using that on.
Speaker 14: Well, I'm gonna go check under Goliath. And it looks
like he's making it rain later.
Speaker 2: You sella bye later to Okay, it sounds like Washington's
moved on, so let's get back out there.
Speaker 1: Come on. Hey, uh well, whoa whoa? Oh Potter Potter,
I found you at last time, too dime. I'm not
Potter Boltimore. Hey, we'll come down. That's Chris. Oh so sorry.
Speaker 4: I saw a pale, pathetic, skinny, useless, worthless little brown
head boy, and I assumed it was PoTA.
Speaker 1: That's that's not PC of me at all. That's on me,
my bad. Whoa Baltimore.
Speaker 2: You're one of our big guns man, all right? We
you out there ass blasting angels? All right, not obsessing
over a little kid with glasses. I'm sorry, you know,
I just got so excited.
Speaker 1: That's what I do. But hey, if you see Potter,
do me a favor. Tell him to suck it. Okay,
we won't Bye bye okay.
Speaker 2: Coo oh man, Chris, I think this fight's going really well.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Hey look it's Noster Damis. Hey, let's see if
you'll give us a prediction on the fight.
Speaker 1: Hey, Noster Damis.
Speaker 15: Yes, you're name score Joe joj did Jujo Jo Joe Joe,
Jy do jojo Joe.
Speaker 2: It's Chris and Clayton.
Speaker 6: Ah.
Speaker 2: Yes, of course, Klis said Craton, say, no, Damas, what's
your prediction for the battle. Do you think we're gonna win?
Speaker 3: Ah?
Speaker 2: Yes, I see everything division so clear.
Speaker 6: We will win.
Speaker 1: And afterwards you and I whoa.
Speaker 2: Whoa, whoa whoa who could have seen this comedy?
Speaker 1: He shut up, But I.
Speaker 2: Mean, hey, did you hear that he said we're gonna win?
Speaker 1: Eahbody else said he'd live, and he.
Speaker 2: Hed he he could still be alive. He just exploded
out of excitement. You know, you must have known that
the ultimate fighting machine. Doug Gug Gug Gug Chaos three
point two was here. Oh hey Doug, what's up?
Speaker 6: Man?
Speaker 1: Hey boys, here we are again fighting a bad fight.
Speaker 3: Wow, Doug gug Gug Chaos, you're more machine than demon now, yeah,
that's right.
Speaker 2: After the last season they were only able to salvage
my brain a few figures, my penis, you know, important stuff.
Speaker 1: But I feel like better than that.
Speaker 2: That's so cool. Any big plans for the battle, Oh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I got big, big plants. You didn't tell him, Clayton, No.
Speaker 2: I wanted it to be a surprise. Hey, Prieta Ripulsa,
get over.
Speaker 1: Here and do your thing at last.
Speaker 2: Time to cover ear.
Speaker 1: We're in pregatory.
Speaker 18: Time to concuer pr that'sime magic wand make my cyberd
even grow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, baby we go. Oh wow, look at him,
he's huge.
Speaker 7: That's all right.
Speaker 2: Time for the big gods, big big god God, big
big gun gods get ready. Oh oh no, Doug gug
gug Gug.
Speaker 1: Is down again.
Speaker 2: I don't know if we can put it back together
after that one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, probably not.
Speaker 2: Uh wait, do you hear that is that? It's single belt,
It's Santa, It's a Christmas miracle.
Speaker 1: Oooo hoo, motherfuckers. Some of you angels have been very good.
It's time to open your presents. Nat Kim drop the
mustard gas. Okay, Santa, thank you. Oh you know, Santa,
all you have to do is ask. You don't have
to funk me into candy beanis.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Christmas came early. Santa's if I have to
deliver a Norse pull, knockout.
Speaker 1: Deck the halls and suck my balls.
Speaker 13: Ba la la la la la la la la.
Speaker 2: Santa incoming, it'll be fire hit the deck, a falls
of holly.
Speaker 1: Oh shit, I can stop it.
Speaker 2: Oh no, hey day, hey day, Canday, We're going down.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Santa. This is my fault. I'll see you
on the other side. Ho no, no, no, no, no, get.
Speaker 2: On, Oh my god, not Santa. Oh Chris, they're coming
down fast. Fund raisinger, move out of the way. You're
about to get crushed.
Speaker 17: What what do you say, Get the cover out of
the way.
Speaker 7: I came here. What you say?
Speaker 1: Oh my god?
Speaker 2: We just lost Santa and Napkin the elf and bond
riising girl, sure.
Speaker 1: And fundraising girl. Wow, things took our turn.
Speaker 3: Chris, I thought, look a good Clayton, Paul, God, what
is that weird?
Speaker 2: Sad noise in the distance.
Speaker 1: Oh, I what is it?
Speaker 17: Oh?
Speaker 2: It's Gorko, the alien freak porcoed Corko. Hey, do you
have any alien powers that you can use to help us?
I have the ability to urinate from five orfices. I
am currently doing so well. That might've been helpful during negotiations,
but now, Oh no, it's another aerial bookboardman can't cover.
Speaker 1: Clean up? Chris.
Speaker 2: Back into the trench, get back.
Speaker 11: In her.
Speaker 1: Oh. Oh, I think I landed on something. What?
Speaker 2: Oh is that is that? Sigmund Freud? Are you okay?
Speaker 7: My ego?
Speaker 1: He's bruised?
Speaker 2: What's wrong, Sigmund? Talk to us?
Speaker 1: Man, they got me hid in need? Oh?
Speaker 2: Oh, not your id.
Speaker 1: Oh it's the most important part of me, Sigmund. Some
coffee on me?
Speaker 2: What what can we do for you? Is there something
we can help you with?
Speaker 1: It's too late.
Speaker 6: Tell my mother. I always want to fuck up.
Speaker 2: Oh, and he's gone, He's gone. Chris, we gotta get
out of here.
Speaker 1: I can't writch Did you get that boss about me?
Wanted to fuck my mom?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 2: Yes, Sigmund to go to death, go die well, Freud's dead,
Sanna is dead.
Speaker 1: That help things dead? Chris, things are looking krim Man, Well.
Speaker 2: What are we gonna do? We gotta keep fighting, right.
Speaker 1: I don't know, man, it seems like we're losing. I
don't I don't know if we're gonna make it out
of this one.
Speaker 3: Well, you know, isn't that like the old saying? You know,
why do you fall down so you can pick yourself
back up?
Speaker 2: No, that's Batman, you're not fooling me. As Batman begins, no,
that is not an old saying that was made circa
early to mid two thousand teens. Okay, whatever, we Chris,
it's we gotta face the facts.
Speaker 1: We're done. We're you know that I think Heaven won
this one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well so what does what does that mean? I
mean they win? So what?
Speaker 6: Well?
Speaker 2: So what I mean they're if they win, they take
over Hell and then you know, if they close down Hell.
You know, and I don't belong up in heaven. You
don't belong up in heaven. Clearly you of all people
don't belong up in heaven. They were just we're just kind.
Speaker 1: Of eight away. We don't have an afterlife. After the afterlife.
Speaker 2: We died, and it just goes into there's just nothing nothing, nothing, Chris,
there's nothing, no ad reads, no nothing.
Speaker 3: Could I just go to like like Purgatory or maybe
like have I could maybe one of the other after Life's.
Speaker 2: Like, I don't know if Purgatory is gonna last after
this battle. I mean, we did a number on this place.
I feel really shut up to Purgatory Dory. I feel
really bad for her. But then you you're a demon,
so what you just what happens when you get killed?
Speaker 6: You just die?
Speaker 1: We just die s heerma death, bro, it's just over, man,
game over. No takesie backsies.
Speaker 2: So but uh, times like these that you think back
and you know, we we had a good run, Chris, We.
Speaker 1: Had a pretty good run. Yeah. Not nine episodes that
ain't bad.
Speaker 2: You know, they were all hell real hell. Oh yeah,
it's this entire experience has been one living hell.
Speaker 1: And you know what, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Speaker 2: I've loved every minute of it, except for the moments
that I hated. There were a lot of them.
Speaker 1: There were a lot of them.
Speaker 2: In fact, they might out number the moments that I loved.
But you know, Chris, it's I still I still think
that we created something.
Speaker 1: Special here between you and me, don't hold my hand,
get your hand.
Speaker 2: Okay, Sorry I did. I didn't know if this was
so did we fail?
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I mean, if you look at the podcast, I think
that was a pretty big win.
Speaker 1: I mean, got some really cool guests.
Speaker 2: Not a lot of fun people, had some laughs, had
a lot of tears, a lot of tears.
Speaker 3: A lot of tears, and a lot of blood. Yeah,
and a lot of coum good times.
Speaker 2: Good times. But you know, maybe this is a good thing, Chris.
You know, I mean, we're we're ending things on our terms,
like being destroyed by heaven and think, well, not exactly
our terms, but you know, I mean, like you know,
I chose to be in this.
Speaker 1: Trench with bombs going off around. Yeah, that was my choice.
You know, I'm ending things my terms. Ish.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Was there anything you want to say to anyone before
it's all over?
Speaker 1: You know, Chris, I do want to say thank you.
Speaker 3: Thank you to everyone you know who listened and bought
merch And you know, even if you didn't buy any
merch you know, yeah, sorry.
Speaker 1: You know you didn't.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you didn't support us in any at all.
Speaker 3: Nothing you were of view, maybe shared it with friends
that helps and if they bought merch and that helped
support us, I guess yeah, so what now?
Speaker 1: I guess this is it.
Speaker 2: There's nothing to do now except except the cold embrace
of death.
Speaker 1: They're there, Clayton.
Speaker 9: I just wanted to give you a hug.
Speaker 2: Sorry, I'm so cold. I'm just all skin and bones.
Oh without the skin.
Speaker 1: That's okay, death, you can take me. Now, where are
we going?
Speaker 2: Uh hey Clayton, No, no, not now, Chris.
Speaker 1: I'm dying. I'm passing away. It's my time.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, Clayton, look, Chris, Chris, stop, can you
see that I'm about to accept the kiss of death?
Speaker 11: Whoa?
Speaker 6: Now?
Speaker 2: You gotta take me on a date first, No, Clayton, seriously,
look over there. There's ships landing over there. Boy, it
can't be. That's all the John Smith looks.
Speaker 1: Tell the found new hell. That's they're here. They arrived.
What a sorry?
Speaker 15: We late boys became as quick as we could, which
wasn't very fast as it's big wooden chips.
Speaker 1: Oh thank you, John Smith.
Speaker 17: Yo, welcome John Smith's forward march.
Speaker 7: John Jacob. His name is my name too, John Jaco.
Speaker 2: I've never seen a more beautiful sight Chris, they do
move in. Wait, more greyhounds are arriving the buses up
there on the ridge. Chris. It's the Karens. They made it,
the Karens. What what excuse me?
Speaker 1: Excuse me? Are you the greyhound manager?
Speaker 18: Are bus driver just jumped out of the window of
our vehicle just because we are giving him some pointers
on how he can drive better, And now we're light.
This is unacceptable. We need to see your manager right now.
Speaker 1: Uh yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2: My manager is right over there across the battlefield where
all those angels are grouped up. I need to order you, though.
He offers no refunds.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, come on, girls.
Speaker 18: Charge.
Speaker 2: Brilliant? Or should I say, oh captain, my captain?
Speaker 1: Shut up? Chris? But thank you? Oh my goodness, those
Karens are foaming at the mouth.
Speaker 2: Look if those purses fly, it looks like we're gaining
ground again. I think we're pulling through Clayton. Is hell
going to win?
Speaker 1: Chris? I think we just might. Nothing to do now
but to join the Fray.
Speaker 2: From afar And watch right? What join the Fray from
a farm?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: No, no, no, We're gonna go into battle quick. Here,
grab those weapons, let's go. Oh my god, oh Chris, look.
Speaker 1: It's that strainerous, pastured.
Speaker 19: Bitedick Arnold Clayton. Chris, so good to see you. Hey,
sorry about betraying you the other day. It was all
a joke. We're good, right.
Speaker 2: Oh oh yeah, do you want to switch sides again
because you're losing now?
Speaker 19: I never left your side. Still have all the cool
hell equipment. Who gave me underneath this angel stuff?
Speaker 1: Oh you do?
Speaker 2: Huh yeah, bro, hell to the end. Well, you're in
maybe sooner than you expectated. Sorry, wrong button. You never
took off the exploding cockering did you ben adicless?
Speaker 3: Oh my god, it's penus blue off so high it
took out an entire angel carrier.
Speaker 2: All right, yes, we are kicking ass.
Speaker 6: You foul damon.
Speaker 2: Well, I'll be damned if it isn't the poop Angel.
Speaker 6: You will eat those words, insolent creature.
Speaker 1: You will eat shit. Come on, Chris, Chris quick, are
you your health? Grab that short? Okay? Oh Chris, you
grabbed it wrong.
Speaker 2: That's the point. You shaped yourself pretty bad.
Speaker 1: Come on, poop.
Speaker 2: Rangel, show me your warrant. Come on, Chris, you can
do this altogether now, hell play. Hey guys, thank you
for listening to episode ninety nine of Good Morning from Hell.
This was a huge, huge undertaking. We had a lot
of special guests, and if it wasn't made thoroughly clear,
let me just say this was kind of an announcement
that In Morning from Hell is coming to an end.
Speaker 1: Bump bump, bump, bump bum.
Speaker 3: We feel like we could make this show for forever,
like all eternity, as the show promise states. But I mean,
it's just so much fun and we are so proud
of everything that we've done. I mean, so yeah, it
really could go on for wherever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, But ultimately, Chris and I decided that episode one
hundred was just a great place to conclude the story
for now. We love these characters, you know, as Chris said,
we love this world that we've created, so there's always
an opportunity for us to return to them. You know,
We've kicked around multiple project ideas, but for now, we
wanted to explore some other projects and just kind of
and things on our terms, which is the important thing
that this This was christ andized decision to say, hey,
let's let's let's stop at one hundred right now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, let's do a big finale and end it big
and then you know, have fun with it, be happy. Yeah,
this was episode nine nine. We have episode one hundred
that you can hear what happens with Chris and Clayton.
That'll be out next week, so please tune in and
we'll have more information about.
Speaker 1: Just what's going on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what's we'd.
Speaker 3: Have going on next Yeah, but we also you don't
want to thank our crew as made the show, and
we're we're going to talk in detail about them on
our final episode because we could not make the show
at all without them. But since we have such a
long credits, let's go through our guest appearances for this week,
right Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, we'll talk a lot about the crew next week,
but for now, we're just gonna rapid fire list off
everybody that was in this episode. Here we go, James,
Willie Swillhlms, Eric Badoor. They all played the Beatles and.
Speaker 1: They did an amazing job.
Speaker 2: Chef Mike was chef byle Michael Jones, Guy Ferrari, Andrew
Rosis played Napoleon Stallen and Ball Knock. All three of
those guys, James and Chelsea from Dead Meat Podcast did
Frankenstein and Frankstein's monster. Armando Taurres did Vegan Werewolf. Paige
Wesley good friend of ours, and Armando Torses was Samara,
the Ring Girl. Lindsey Jones played Medusa. Gustarolla played both
Cupid and Nostra. Damis our amazing, beautiful, handsome. Producer Ben
Ernst played Gabriel the Angel. I'm only saying these things
because I know he wanted to kill us. By the
end of this week, Hannah McCarthy returned to his purgatory
Dory and kurtin Ivan from Riccio played David and Goliath.
Speaker 3: And we had Brian gar s Cerberus, Laurence Sontag as
George Washington, Jeff Ramsey as the Tooth Fairy, Todd Womack
as Voldemort, the Lovely Lovely Voldemort, Jeremy Dooley as Dougugugugug
Gug Chaos as Rita Ripulsa, Greg Miller from Kind of
Funny as Santa, Ryan Haley as Napkin the Elf.
Speaker 2: Cayden actually they're two separate people.
Speaker 3: They're good friends.
Speaker 2: Kayten Jensen as Gorko the Alien, Zach Anner as Sigmund
Freud Cole Gillian as Death, Jacob Fulton as John Jacob Smith,
and then John Smith as John Smith.
Speaker 1: That is a mouthful a lot of John Smith.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Lindsay Washburn as Karen Snowbike, Mike as Benedict Arnold,
and there's so many. We wanted to include just about
every guest we had in the show, but we couldn't
because it would.
Speaker 2: Have been a feature length film had we done that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so thank you to all these great guests who appeared.
Be sure to check them out. And uh yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this has been a lot of fun. This is
this is has been a crazy episode. So thank you
for listening. If you made it this part of the credits,
congratulations you now own good morning from hell. Yeah you
have one week as our boss. That's right, do with
it what you will. Yeah, all right, thanks guys, thanks
for listening. Bye, We love you, We love you.