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<v Speaker 1>Tell me what you loft was like before you died. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>I'd sort of come to a standstill in my life.

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<v Speaker 1>I was divorced, I had a six year old daughter.

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<v Speaker 1>I had been a model for seventeen years, and I'd

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<v Speaker 1>kind of come to the end of that. I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>know what the next step was, and that was concerning.

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<v Speaker 1>So I was kind of hitting the wall emotionally. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>you get to certain stages in your life where there

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<v Speaker 1>are markers for you, where you think you know you

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<v Speaker 1>need to be in certain places. And I wasn't there,

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<v Speaker 1>and feeling badly that I'd not had a successful marriage

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<v Speaker 1>and whatnot. And like the good Catholic girl that I was,

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<v Speaker 1>I went to church and prayed that, you know, help,

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<v Speaker 1>I need some guidance. What am I doing? Where am

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<v Speaker 1>I going. I knew there were all kinds of feelings

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<v Speaker 1>inside of me, but I had no idea what I

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<v Speaker 1>was supposed to do with those. So I just needed guidance. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>both of my parents were dead at that point. I

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<v Speaker 1>was in my early thirties, and I just didn't have

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<v Speaker 1>anybody to go to to say, hey, this is maybe

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<v Speaker 1>the next logical step. So here I am praying, like crazy.

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<v Speaker 1>And three days later I'd had an accident in Mexico

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<v Speaker 1>with my ex husband and just located my knee, did

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<v Speaker 1>all kinds of damage, but could not have the big

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<v Speaker 1>patilla surgery because I was a working model. Having that

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<v Speaker 1>big scar was not okay. So I waited and it

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<v Speaker 1>was finally time to have that, and that morning, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>sitting on the gurney in the hallway waiting to go

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<v Speaker 1>into the surgical suite and I'm just freezing. I'm racking

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<v Speaker 1>with cold, and part of it, I'm sure was nerves

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<v Speaker 1>and whatnot. And this lovely nurse came by me and said,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, would you like a heated blanket? And I said, sure,

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<v Speaker 1>I would love that, that would be great. And she

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<v Speaker 1>gave me a heated blanket and that seemed to calm

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<v Speaker 1>things down. And I'm still a little, you know, unsettled

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<v Speaker 1>and whatnot. The next thing I know, I'm in the

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<v Speaker 1>surgical suite and they put another blanket on me and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm out. I haven't even had the anesthesia yet, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm out, which was kind of a pre cursor in

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<v Speaker 1>a way of what was coming. At that time. As

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<v Speaker 1>a working model, I was really thin and they had

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<v Speaker 1>so much more damage to do to repair than they

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<v Speaker 1>knew because they didn't have MRIs and all that stuff

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<v Speaker 1>in nineteen eighty one. You know, we didn't even well.

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<v Speaker 1>Arthur'scopic surgery was fairly new at that point, but it

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<v Speaker 1>was still you know, they knew what they were doing.

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<v Speaker 1>So I'm on the table like almost two hours longer

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<v Speaker 1>than I'm supposed to be, and that meant that much

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<v Speaker 1>longer under anesthesia, and I guess because of my weight

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<v Speaker 1>distribution and all of that. With the anesthesia, it was

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<v Speaker 1>too much for my system. So I'm a sensitive I

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<v Speaker 1>always have been. So the next thing I know, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>waking up in recovery and I'm hearing all this commotion

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<v Speaker 1>and I don't want to pay attention to it because

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<v Speaker 1>I'm in my own experience right here. You know, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>trying to groggy and disoriented and whatnot. But I hear

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<v Speaker 1>all this commotion and I'm hearing them say Diane, wake up, Diane,

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<v Speaker 1>wake up, And I'm thinking to myself, how weird is

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<v Speaker 1>that that we had the same first name, And a

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<v Speaker 1>few minutes later, I'm hearing them say, Diane Sherman, wake up,

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<v Speaker 1>Diane Sherman, wake up, at which point I'm thinking, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>my god, did they get the wrong patient, did they

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<v Speaker 1>do the wrong surgery? What is happening? And I'm waving

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<v Speaker 1>to them, trying to get their attention, but not being intrusive,

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<v Speaker 1>because clearly whatever they're doing is serious and they're not

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<v Speaker 1>paying any attention to me. Alex. I'm thinking to myself,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe they can't hear me, and maybe they're just so

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<v Speaker 1>focused on saving this person's life that you know it's okay.

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<v Speaker 1>The next thing I know, I'm standing at the bottom

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<v Speaker 1>of her bed looking up at her while they're working

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<v Speaker 1>on her, and I'm looking down at myself. I see me,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm looking down at me, and I'm looking up at her,

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<v Speaker 1>and I realize it's me and I have no connection

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<v Speaker 1>to the knee in the bed that they're working on.

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<v Speaker 1>It was as if somebody had said, passed the soul,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, it was just neutral. There was nothing. And

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<v Speaker 1>the weird thing was it wasn't scary or off putting

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<v Speaker 1>or it was just I was notating what was happening,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, I was in that frame of reference where

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<v Speaker 1>you're just the observer. I was the observer. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know that I'd ever been the observer that way in

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<v Speaker 1>my whole life, so it was next thing I know,

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<v Speaker 1>I am floating up. I'm in the corner of the

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<v Speaker 1>surgical room or the post off, and I'm now looking

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<v Speaker 1>over everything that's going on, and in watching it, there's

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<v Speaker 1>no real fascination except that something's happening, and I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>even questioning it, and I'm very analytical. I'm not going

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<v Speaker 1>to fear, I'm not going to anything. I'm just watching it.

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<v Speaker 1>And from there, I'm feeling extricated out of the corner

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<v Speaker 1>of the ceiling of that room. And now I'm being

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<v Speaker 1>pushed and every time I say that I can build

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<v Speaker 1>my body push against it, I'm being pushed into this

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<v Speaker 1>abject blackness. And as a kid, I was terrified at

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<v Speaker 1>the dark, and so being in that absolute blackness where

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<v Speaker 1>I couldn't see, could I had no reference to anything,

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<v Speaker 1>it was terrifying. And I'm being pushed forward more and

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<v Speaker 1>more into it, and I'm thinking to myself, Okay, if

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<v Speaker 1>I can just find one little glimmer of light, one

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<v Speaker 1>little tiny glimmer of light that I can hold onto,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to be okay. And so I'm just like

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<v Speaker 1>staring and stretching myself to find something, and all of

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<v Speaker 1>a sudden, as far out as my vision could go,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm seeing one little, tiny glimmer and I'm just like

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<v Speaker 1>glommed onto that to hold on to it for dear life.

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<v Speaker 1>And it starts getting bigger and closer, and I'm like

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<v Speaker 1>fascinated by this, And as it's getting closer, the fear,

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<v Speaker 1>of course, is starting to abate. And I'm just watching

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<v Speaker 1>this and just hopeful, and you know, all the feelings

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<v Speaker 1>of relief. You know, there's something happening where I feel

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<v Speaker 1>a little sense of control or a little sense and

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<v Speaker 1>there's something more than this blackness. And now it's surrounding me.

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<v Speaker 1>It's everywhere around me, and I'm fascinated by it because

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<v Speaker 1>it's nothing I've ever seen before. It's a color of

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<v Speaker 1>white I've never seen, and a substance. It's like being

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<v Speaker 1>in clouds, but not exactly that, the white as all

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<v Speaker 1>the colors of the rainbow in it. You know, it's iridescent,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's loving, and it's protective and it's supportive, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's here for me. We'll be right back after a

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<v Speaker 1>word from our sponsor, and now back to the show.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's the first time I've said that, I just

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<v Speaker 1>got that it's here for me. That was such a

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<v Speaker 1>divine sense for me, because I think where I had

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<v Speaker 1>been before this experience was in a place where I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't feel people were there for me. So to have

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<v Speaker 1>this be here for me was wow. Coming home, really

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<v Speaker 1>coming home to that sense of belonging, that sense of

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<v Speaker 1>alrightness within yourself, That that sense of everything you've ever

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<v Speaker 1>hoped for in your life, whether it was the work

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<v Speaker 1>of the family or the marriage, or that this or

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<v Speaker 1>that this was the ultimate goal, was that sense of

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<v Speaker 1>coming home to self. And I've felt that in this moment.

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<v Speaker 1>And as this white is totally surrounding me, I'm now

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<v Speaker 1>floating in it. I have an odd sense of humor.

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<v Speaker 1>But at the moment I got the fact that I

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<v Speaker 1>was floating, I had the awareness that I was thinking,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm floating, and it was like it didn't feel unnormal.

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<v Speaker 1>That's what was so interesting. It felt so right and

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<v Speaker 1>normal to be floating. So as I'm coming through this white,

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<v Speaker 1>diaphanous cloudlike area, there are two rows of monks in

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<v Speaker 1>front of me, dressed in the brown monk's robes with

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<v Speaker 1>the hoods up, and I know, having listened to so

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<v Speaker 1>many near death experiences, I realized that people have experiences

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<v Speaker 1>that are analogous to them in some way. And the

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<v Speaker 1>monks were kind of like the safest part of my religion,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. Being in Catholic school for twelve years, I

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<v Speaker 1>went through lots of missions and whatnot, yes, and the

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<v Speaker 1>monks were always sweet to me, which the priests were

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<v Speaker 1>kind of scary. So these months felt okay for me.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, there was nothing scary going on in this

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<v Speaker 1>whole experience except being in the dark, and that was

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<v Speaker 1>my own childhood fear. It really, in retrospect, was a

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<v Speaker 1>very gentle experience. So now I'm coming to the end

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<v Speaker 1>of these two rows of monks, and the one on

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<v Speaker 1>the end steps forward and he speaks to me, and

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<v Speaker 1>I say, he because he had all those wonderful male qualities,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, sort of that masculine being in charge and

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<v Speaker 1>knowing what to do and caretaking and observing, and you know,

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<v Speaker 1>just he had the energy, had the powerful energy. And

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<v Speaker 1>he looked at me and I say, look, the hood

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<v Speaker 1>was up, but there was no face. It was a blackness,

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<v Speaker 1>and it was almost like little sparks of colored things

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<v Speaker 1>dancing in this hood, and it almost looked like a

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<v Speaker 1>picture of some kind of sci fi film where you

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<v Speaker 1>see things moving and when, but it seemed again normal, natural,

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<v Speaker 1>not scary. And he spoke to me, and when I

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<v Speaker 1>say spoke, he spoke inside of me. He didn't verbally

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<v Speaker 1>say anything out loud. And he spoke to me and

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<v Speaker 1>he said it's not your time. He must go back.

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<v Speaker 1>And I said, you can't send me back. I've just

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<v Speaker 1>found home, I've just found feeling cherished. You can't send

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<v Speaker 1>me back. And he said it's not your time. You

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<v Speaker 1>must go back. And I said, you can't bring me

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<v Speaker 1>this far and send me back. You can't. And he

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<v Speaker 1>said you have a child, and I said, yes, I do.

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<v Speaker 1>He said, well, you must go back. It's not your time.

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<v Speaker 1>You have a child. And I started thinking about my daughter,

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<v Speaker 1>my six year old daughter, who I loved and adored,

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<v Speaker 1>and I thought, I want to stay. I love my daughter,

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<v Speaker 1>but I want to stay. And so he kept repeating,

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<v Speaker 1>and I started thinking about who would take care of

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<v Speaker 1>her if I stayed. My parents were both gone, my

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<v Speaker 1>sister was not emotionally healthy enough to raise my daughter.

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<v Speaker 1>My ex husband was my ex husband for a reason,

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't have anybody that I couldn't trust her to

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<v Speaker 1>to be love, been cared for and watched over and

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<v Speaker 1>supported the way I wanted her to be, and in

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<v Speaker 1>that thought form back in my body. So to this day,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if they sent me or I sent

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<v Speaker 1>me back, and I won't know until I'm on the

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<v Speaker 1>other side. When you cross over, there's that kind of

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<v Speaker 1>help to bring you back to you know your essence,

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<v Speaker 1>who you are as a soul, and to remember the

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<v Speaker 1>brilliance of you. And so I tell them there's nothing

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<v Speaker 1>to be afraid of. There's absolutely nothing going to go

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<v Speaker 1>on that's scary, that's demeaning, that's hurtful, that there's nothing

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<v Speaker 1>but love and joy on the other side. And I

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<v Speaker 1>don't want people to be fearful of something that's so beautiful.

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<v Speaker 1>I think we should be celebrating death just like we

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<v Speaker 1>celebrate birth. It's the same, it's on the same part.

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<v Speaker 1>It's going to the next level of your being. How

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<v Speaker 1>can that be detrimental in any way? How can that

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<v Speaker 1>be scary? It's not. It's an adventure, the most divine

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<v Speaker 1>feeling you could ever imagine. It's connecttion, it's satisfaction, it's comfort,

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<v Speaker 1>it's preciousness to love and be loved. Yah h m

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<v Speaker 1>hm