Welcome to softcore History. What is up? Welcome back to soft Core History.
I am your host for the week, Rob Fox. I am joined
as always by Dan Rejester and Jake Goldman and Hidun Day guys. Just getting
off my shift on the docks, your doc shift. Yes, you're you're
very ze su now that I've embraced this beanie. That's a joke for video
watchers and you can check us out on YouTube. YouTube. Softcore History is
the channel slash softcore History. Yeah, I am becoming one with this beanie.
You really do legitimately look like you work on a fucking boat. His
eyebrows are actually growing into the fabric. I've actually stitched them in. He's
stitching them and he's full beanie. Now he's just a beanie guy. I
mean, you do have at like a thirty three percent at least nautically themed
tattoo. We're a third there, and really it takes up most of your
sleeve and actually the entire sleep people will know this well, I'm sure some
do. It's a BioShock tattoo at this point in its own war. Always.
The whole thing is I think you wreck condit to BioShock it's its own
thing. It's a reimagination of bioshef infinite the last one, by the way,
the one, thanks for thanks for filling in that details. It's an
important details. It's clearly yes, oh but yeah no, so danceman wearing
this beanie and he looks hot as fuck, and we have to just make
fun of him for it, otherwise he's going to forget full of himself.
He looks like you come home, like you find him with your with your
wife, like when he gets off work at the docks, he's he's still
wearing the beanie. When he's with your wife. It's just him naked,
but your wife and the beanie. There's actually a little beanie on his penis
too, just a little just a little red bean that's it's not a condom.
No, it's a little penis hat. It's just a hat hat hat.
People don't know this. But you don't need the condom to go all
the way down the shaft. No, you can just wear it like loose,
you know, just all the tip. Yeah, just anyone ever tried
to invent that, just the tip, like thimble, just the tip.
Good monopoly piece is a monopoly piece. We'll use the monopoly piece as your
condom. Well, the holes in it is problematic, But why does it
need to go all the way down the shaft just you know, get a
rubber band, put it around the head. But then you're a strain in
your semen. I guess I gotta imagine it's because it makes it weaker.
I imagine the when you put on a condom normally, like you're not getting
that all the way in there? What the whole what Like you're not getting
the base of the condom, Like you're not getting your whole shaft in.
Are you saying you have a massive hog? No, I'm not saying that.
It's long and narrow. Rob Rob's favorite. It's like one of those
pencils you win at a carnival. Not even a number two a pencil,
it's a number one. No, no, no, it's a it's one
of those big novelty pencils that you win in a carnival as a kid.
It's two feet long, but it's the normal pencil, no, not normal
pencil link. But it's like maybe like this, like the the the girth
of the girth is still pretty thick. It's at least the size of like
a silver dollar. No, no, no, noveltie pencils. I don't
know. Maybe you guys didn't get the same pencils as me. I don't
think there's a universal novelty pencil. I will look it, certainly isn't.
I don't think they're standardizing kooky pencils. History podcast, Yeah, well through
the show. We're a history podcast. We don't have to say this every
episode we do right now, No, we do. We don't have to
remind people. I'm oh, yeah, And he's got a point that people
literally click on the title. They actually even know about the episode before we
do. That's weird me and you. Obviously Rob's host in this episode.
We have no idea what he's bringing to the table. But the people that
listen to this before YouTube, they know because they know. The chronology of
this is very like I'm wrapping my head around it. But I don't like
it. It's a little bit incept it. Yeah, I don't like the
non that's a logical experience of it, but I kind of do. It's
kind of a head trip. Not enough people going back to kind of the
nautical theme. Not enough dudes are spending seven or eight years on the seas,
getting lost, just getting lost. You don't come back from that.
A lot of people used to get lost at sea. Yeah, they didn't
come back there when they came back. Who Homer, Homer kind of Omber
didn't get lost at sea. He kept getting trapped, he kept getting like,
yeah, he got inconvenienced a lot. That happens to most sailors.
He also his his situation I think was kind of pathetic too, because I
don't think he ever went very far. It's like Moses in the desert.
It's like, dude, that wasn't even that big of a desert between the
reds. He's gonna take it that long? No, Yeah, but you
went you had to go the exact wrong way, like dozens. He was
going to a circle. I have actually never really thought about it until the
Gaza situation lately, where the refugees were trying to go to Egypt. I'm
like, oh, Moses took forty years to do that. It's very close,
right, Yeah, that someone Google mapped it and the walk is like
like one hundred and fifty hours, yeah, or something like that. It's
not much. Nothing is considered. But then like they're like, oh,
I Noah was a million years old, so maybe they were just counting time.
Different back. Think about a bunch of Jews though, walking through the
desert. It's a classic joke. I believe that as a family guy joke.
Yeah, among others. Well, in the family Guy on there's billboards
and they're all reading the billboards, which is very funny. I don't I
remember what it was. Yeah, they made bread rain from the sky mana
specifically. Now you gotta think the gravitational pool. If it hit somebody in
the head, that's like dropping a penny off the empire state bent. It's
dangerous. It's coming from the heaven. It's not if God sends it.
What if he took a few guys out, like all of a sudden,
you just see Eli's head just explode. What do you think the yamakas are
for? Man, that's protection. That's why you gotta cover your head,
right, Yeah, you would, you would know this, Yeah, of
course, this is what they taught you during I'm a scholar. Yes.
Yeah. By the way, if you like this banter, we have a
Patreon Patreon dot com slash softcore History five dollars a month. Five dollars a
month, get you two extra episodes a week, plus an entire Evergreen back
catalog. We do all kinds of fun stuff, normal episodes like this game
shows, watch alongs. We're all pathetic history buffs, and none of us
have watched Masters of the Area yet, but we did want to discuss that
on the Patreon. Coming up soon, we're gonna start playing each other in
Risk just to just because I'm just gonna see if anyone raced quick. So
many things coming up. Yeah in the pipeline. Yeah, one that I'm
really excited about as well. But yeah, five dollars a month gives you
a ton of extra content. It's really fun. Two additional episodes every week
and two years of Evergreen content at this point. Evergreen also, if you
can do its a favorite, leave review and five stars on Apple. On
Spotify, you just do the five stars on Apple. It helps if you
write I will not drink until we get a thousand reviews. So we got
about seventy to go. Damn still, but more importantly than we've actually lost
reviews since I said, people fucking people. People don't want you to be
happy. They want me to suffer, but they want me to be lost
at sea with no booze. How about this, Dan will gain thirty pounds
of fat if you reach one thousand reviews. You'll do that. I simply
won't do that. He won't do it, Dan will get titties. I
did that at TFM for six months. It didn't work. There was a
time I cultivated too much mass you did. I was two hundred and thirty
five pounds. Shake. That's wild. That is actually insane. I'm barely
six foot. There's no reason for me to be a little bowl and ball.
No, No, there's not. Anyway. Yeah, leave reviews all
that stuff, fun stuff. We appreciate it when you do. It helps
us climb the rankings. It's never about listens. It's about the reviews,
all about manipulating the system to your benefit. But anyway, let's get into
the day's topic today. I'll just come straightforward with it because there's no point
in. There's not really a twist here. Is it kind of topical?
Can? I guess? No? It's not topical at all as far as
I know. WA ain't talking about civil wars? No, No, I
guess you could call it topical if you if you think I give a shit
about any political uh people by the way. We don't. But today we're
just talking about some of the dumbest trials throughout history, but specifically one thing
that makes them dumb. Is there a common link? Yes? Thread,
Yes do I guess it. You can if you want. I wasn't gonna
make you. But let's just say things. Ready, echo, Uh,
treason, it's self inflicted wounds. No, religious themed, not really.
Penis is out No, I mean that, yes, but not really.
Teenage girls. No, I give up. All the defendants have one thing
in common. Oh, well, that was a clue you could have given
us with their Italian No. No, every Italian deserves being jail. They
get no trial. Yeah, straight to jail. Speaking of stupid to even
put them on trial, yeah, just straight to show. None of the
defendants in these cases are human beings. Oh okay, corpses, nah,
animals, dog, animals, and inanimate objects put on trial for a lot
of stuff, mostly murder. Did people love a good animal murder? A
lot of people root for the animals. There's times when the animals deserve to
be rooted for. I'm like that guy, I will never forget. If
you guys want to look this up, don't look I'm gonna tell you right
now if you find the unedited or unsensored video, it's a little graphic,
but even the sounds are just bad. The fucking janitor at I forget which
zoo it was. He's a night janitor and he decided it would be a
sweet idea to pet a tiger. Stick his arm through the cage, pettit
and pet a tiger. Maybe the vibes are right, it's just like,
you know what, fuck it, I'm going for it. Man's tiger's pretty
cool. Maybe they locked eyes at some point, built up a relationship over
six months and he was like, let's do this. Skip he's a night
janitor, you said, yeah, yeah, so red Flag number one,
he's the cleanup guy they don't trust around the guests. Yeah, he's on
a lot of benda drill, Like just let him be a nighttime guy,
all right. He might have been a lot of bet role, but he
could feel everything. If what the video is any indication, definitely team Tiger
there. Yeah, but they killed the tiger. By the way, they've
shot the tiger. Dad, all these orcas are starting to kind of get
together and sink boats. Are we team ORCA? Now? I am I'm
teamworker. You're anti boat. I'm not anti boat, I'm anti big boat.
I'm only cool if they're not hitting big boats. They need to be
more strategic. Sink the Japanese boats if we get they're sinking like pleasure yachts
in the Mediterranean, that's also okay. Orcas, Yeah, are there Orcs
in the Mediterranean. They were tacking boats off of Gibraltar or something. Fuck
yeah, I can't really just think of orcas in the Mediterranean. That sucks
up my worldview. They're in there by the Golden Gay Bridge for me.
And like up north, yeah, I think like Maine, Alaska, literally
everywhere this is the Orca habitat. It's basically I didn't realize I had to
worry about Orca so much. Everywhere the coastlines. Yeah, they're kind of
just the big batties that are like, oh, you guys thought you're so
hot. Yeah. Oh they Orcas are the alpha predator, the apex predatorlane.
It's not sharks. It might be of the planet. No, it's
us. You got to defeat them psychologically, you know. Even though Tenecum
I believe drowned like multiple people. Yeah, I think he made too much
money so they couldn't get rid of him. Initially, I think it all
started once we started letting those black fish or black yeah, blackfish, that
was the documentary. Yeah, yeah, well we got to put them back
in the ocean. We took the prisoner once, let him back out in
the wild, and they told the tale. These humans are going too crazy.
We gotta be like the all author of Wizard of Oz who I need
to look up real quick because I can't remember his name. Oh, Frank
Baum. L Frank Baum, who at one point about Native Americans because he
was also a newspaper columnist, was like, man, we fucked him over
too bad. Man. We gotta just kill them all or they're gonna come
back and fuck us. Man, you can't put the toothpaste back in the
tube. No, he wrote Natives genocide, Let's go. Yeah, he
straight up, straight up wrote that in uh a fucking newspaper article. He's
like, we gotta just finish the job, man, because they're gonna be
pissed. Yeah. I mean, if you've released one of these sea world
work goes out to the wild, they tell their buddies. Yeah right,
do you know what they did? Spreads like wildfire. They made me do
a show, they made me perform for food. That's embarrassing for an apex.
Predators have to like genuflex to humans. Imagine if you were just stuck
in your kitchen for the rest of your life, not even you're stay it's
a fit's fine, right, Like you're stuck in like your dining room,
and humans were in your kitchen and they got to decide what you ate.
They at least bring it to you. Yeah, but I'm just saying compared
to like the ocean everything like how small. Infinitely, I'd like you gotta
be in your closet the rest of your life. It's like you gotta be
like I can't even like a cubby like fit in that cubby in your closet.
I'm still totally cool with like penguins and like smaller animals hate the cages.
Oh, they rip them to pieces. They like literally play with seals
before they met with them. Now, Frank Baum might have written that sarcastically,
but they don't know. Oh well, I mean they can't say for
sure, then he should have doesn't really stand the test of time. Well,
tone in text, it's quite difficult. You would think bomb would be
able to freaking do it. But do you think people just read old tweets
of ours in like a hundred years and not get the sarcasm? Yeahah,
A lot of joke, a lot of comedy doesn't travel well, Oh,
certainly not. Yeah. So yeah, we're talking about the dumbest trials throughout
history today, and my first one might be my favorite one because of any
longtime listener of the show knows we are all big college football fans in particular,
and this is the most sec thing I've ever heard. But it ain't
sec. It's ancient Greece. Oh, ancient Greece putting would imagine lions on
trial. No, No, it's fucking dumber than that, I guess,
ancient Greece. Flamingos. Do you think of flamingos when you think of ancient
Greece? Yeah, I don't. I've been playing Assassin's Creer. Oh okay,
it's in Egypt, and it's based about around the time Greece in Egypt
kind of merged together. We're doing their Alexander and there's a lot of flamingos.
Yeah, they're actually aren't flamingos, though they didn't realize that I didn't
know that. Again, Orcas flamingos. We're learning a lot today about animals,
Yeah, we are. So it happened in like four eighty somewhere around
there. Uh, there was this famous Olympian by the name of I'm gonna
probably fucking up or whatever they jenis of Thanos fucking wrong Rob. He was
one of the most famous Olympians of all time, Like in that era.
He allegedly won like fourteen hundred boxing matches. He won over fourteen hundred crowns.
I think he also did like running and stuff too, but fourteen hundred.
So because Olympics, this guy was certifiably mentally challenged by the end of
he had to participate every day. Dude, I don't know. So they
would have like smaller competitions right at like fairs and stuff. He was he
was doing like double double two three keys. Yeah, yeah, titles.
He's a stack compiler. There's too many Olympics. These aren't true. There's
one historian who claims he quote unquote killed most of his opponents. Oh,
so boxing was just different. But he's bare knuckles certainly, I imagine.
Yeah, with swords, fighters these days are so soft they fight maybe two
or three times a year. Yeah, this dude's probably fighting two or three
times a day. Yeah. So this guy was super famous, especially in
his hometown. After he died, a giant statue was erected in his honor
because he's like the most famous athlete from the area whatever, so on and
so forth. After he was dead in the statue was erected. Apparently every
night one of his rivals, who also lived in the city and I assume
got his head smashed in by this guy a million times. His rival would
walk by it every night and apparently like just flog the statue just maybe like
a quick like like smack it as like a fuck you. It was dead
rival love that, you know what I mean. Yeah, we've talked to
some Chinese warlords that would slap statues. Yeah, so he was just kind
of versal baby. Yeah, so he was just kind of like, man,
fuck this guy, fuck him. Every day, would smack the statue
whatever. He wouldn't defile, write anything like Roman graffiti. Yeah, just
draw a small penis on it. Small penises were dope and greasepis on this
guy's dumb buck dumb dirty high. Get this idiot, idiot's penis. It
looks like there's a tumor in it. It's so big. I hate it.
So every day walk by the statue, smacked the statue, fuck you,
the genus whatever. One day, I guess he either all his smacks
wore it down, or he hit it too hard or what. He hit
the statue and he knocked the statue over, killing himself. The statue fell
on him and fucking killed him. That's what you get, which is to
me an extremely Harvey Updyke situation, like it's a miracle. Harvey Updyke didn't
poison himself, oh well, handling the chemicals to kill those trees. Yes,
yeah, he gotta think he did. He die cancer heart disease,
something that kills most SEC fans for being honest. It would have been poetic
though, if he just died of cancer caused by the poison yeah, that
he used for the trees that the tumors corners gave the ts tumorsmers. Wait,
some Albard fans should do that, just dressed up as like little lumps.
Yeah, just like did you see they were celebrating when Sabin retired that
I would I get it, I get it, I get it. That's
the biggest win they've had in a long time. That's like celebrating when someone
stops holding your head underwater, you know what I mean. I want to
say, it doesn't matter if if it's why it's happening, You're just happy
it's done. I'm pretty sure Auburn had a winning record at home against Alabama
while he was there, though, mm one or three times, and he
was one of the more successful coaches. Yeah, Sabe, and so I
don't think so. I doubt it. I feel like it's one of those
weird stats where you're like, what I could be wrong on that. Maybe
gus one three times at home, That's what I'm saying. It's like,
yeah, every other Denny No, but yeah, I think they did.
Okay and jordanaire so essentially the statue they were allowed to put m and objects
on trial and ancient Greece, I think they should put the guy whose statue
it is on trial. Well he's dead. I mean, they have done
that with corpse. That's one of our first episodes was the corpse to Nod.
But that is more common than you think. It's happened a lot in
history. Regardless. The statue was put on Now what do we Yeah,
we like cancel dead people. Oh yeah, that we definitely do. It's
the easiest the court of public opinion. But that John Wayne, You're you're
done. This was a real co for They took him into a real They
took a statue into a real court. I think we should do that with
dead people now if you speak for anyone that literally does not have the ability
to have a voice literally like speak. It's the easiest point. We just
put down to Thomas Jefferson's statue right in New York. They took one down
here. They need to just dig up TJ. Put him on trial and
let him defend himself to keep that statue. So you need, like you
definitely need like a court clerk to be behind him and be like, oh
I didn't do it. Yeah, pretty much one of his like relatives.
Could you put all his writing into AI and just have AI make the defense.
I'm sure it probably shred whatever was brought up to like get him with.
He would probably rhetorically destroy the AI just gives him a bitch voice,
well like link like a Lincoln voice was just a little wiry racipy voice,
had a weird voice he did people. By all accounts, he had like
a high pitch like Daniel D. Lewis, probably nailed his voice. I
learned something the other day that was odd. Well. I didn't think I
would learn from Vivic Ramaswani or whatever his name is. Oh God, you
learned something from that guy. He apparently. Uh. Abraham Lincoln was one
of the pallbears for John Quincy Adams. Really, that's news to me.
How was that leveraged into an argument, is what I want to know.
It wasn't. He was just talking about history. Oh wow, So I
guess John Quincy was one of the only BOYD former presidents that went back into
the House. Yeah he did. Yeah, and Lincoln would have been,
I guess in the house. And as he was given a speech in the
House about freeing the slaves, he died, Oh really yeah, damn Well.
All I know is that he wanted to do commerce with the mole people,
and for that, yes, he's my favorite. He wanted to go
to hollow Earth, he wanted to go to the middle of the Earth,
and he was drafting plans to talk up starting to get the economy rolling with
mold people. We need to do just like a full deep dive on Dams.
We really do. He's he's well, the whole reason we went to
the North Pole was to get to the center of the earth, to do
deals with mole people. That's facts, like, that's that's on record.
Be brave enough, you know, to dare, dare do things, you
know, it's like shooting for the stars, hitting the moon right right,
It's like what we got to the North Pole. We didn't hit the mold
people, but we got the poll people. The funniest thing to me,
I also did in fact check what Vivic said, so I looked it up.
It appears to be correct. The funniest thing to me about John Quincy
Adams is has nothing to do with John Quincy Adams and everything to do with
the fact that so I, as listeners as show no, I love the
HBO mini series John Adams because I'm like a history buff, but obviously like
a very surface level history buff. I mean that that's his best role.
Why by far? Ever, But what's funny is I also obviously I've watched
The Bear and stuff like that, I've watched Girls and but this mostly pertains
to the Bear. The cousin in the Bear it's not his cousin, no,
but yeah, but the dirt bag, the piece of shit, the
dirt bag guy. He played John Quincy Adams in the mini series John Adams,
and that's how I first knew him as like this quiet serious actor.
Eddie is now just like the biggest piece of shit. It's always a ship
like and like funny too, like I have I don't remember his name because
Quincy he quaits Quincy and John Adams. That's like if you saw John c
Riley and Only Gangs of New York for the first time, and you're like
or like Magnolia and you're like, wait, this is like a funny guy.
I remember. It's a good seeing that John c Riley was in Tala
Daggon Knights and thinking that that was a weird decision. Yeah, Like it
came out when I was in college, and I remember because I like,
like the thin red Line and Gangs in New York and I was like,
yes, so much range Hu. It's like, why are you doing this,
bro? You were that's that's a choice in a PTA movie you're in
Who did Gangs in New York? Was that Scorsese, Terrence Malick for the
other one, Red Line, and then he did Dewey Cox. He's like
shake and break well, And that's the other thing. When I saw the
Dewey Cox trailer, so I was like, Okay, maybe he just wanted
to do a comedy and he was good in it. And then I saw
the Dewey Cox trailer and I was like, oh, he just doesn't want
to go back to serious acting anymore, even to Paul Thomas Anderson movies.
Actually, what is the other one? Yeah, Boogie Knights. Oh yeah,
yeaheah yeah, which at least that one's he's kind of he's comedic in
a tragic way. And yeah, they're all sad in that movie. But
it's funny, funny sad. Yeah, Oh, you didn't want to be
a porn star after that movie. I didn't aspire you dude. The last
ten seconds it's the best part. You finally get to see Mark Wahlberg's dick.
I think the best part twenty he has gotten so low he has to
jerk off in his truck cab for other dudes. Oh that's pretty good.
And then they beat him up and call him gay like they propositioned him.
Yeah. No, it's very funny. That one and then it's it seems
like something homophobes would do. It's very much so, yeah, closet enjoy
that and then fight over. Yeah, but Mark Wahlberg and uh was it
John c Riley or just arguing about or talking about what they can bench?
Yeah, by the pool, and it's like that's the best scene in the
whole movie. I mean that was half of I Doesn't Old Lifting podcast.
Yeah, we just didn't just how much they badge? Yeah, that what's
true. Anytime someone come on, we'd be how much you lift? What's
your max? Dude? What's your maxim bench? No, Jake, what's
your max? What's my max? I don't know I have a max in
a minute? What's the most you've maxed? The most I've maxed on bench?
Not a lot, probably two thirty five? Okay, that's respectable.
Yeah, and then for your size, squat's probably around the same thing.
You know, what's the most disrespectful thing ever? What's that is people at
the gym when I get to spot me welcome to substock. I know they're
bigger dudes, and it's always like, oh, you're pretty strong for your
size. Oh what a little Backhanded's so bitchy, that is. That's so
I want to fight them on the spot. Strong dudes are like weak women,
you know, petty that's why I don't go to the gym. Yeah,
true, I did hear. I forget who to quote on this,
but they refer to Donald Trump as our first female president. It's just a
trigger someone funny because there's petty as hell, petty and emotional and yeah,
yeah, it tracks. Actually it's not. It's a funny take. It's
great. Anyway, let's get to the next trial. So there are a
lot of stories about animal trials and that I that I found in my research.
I put that in hard quotes. Most of them apparently though, and
there most of them from the Middle Ages, but apparently most of them are
bullshit. Most of them were made up after the fact. A lot of
it was historians just kind of being like, hah, look how dumb everyone
was in the Middle Ages. Fucking stupid s thought that there were witches and
stuff put animals on truck, which so it's smarter now. It wasn't really
true for the most part, although although they did, it did happen,
so I mean kind of haha, look how stupid you are? They also,
apparently this was made up by a lot of nineteenth century historians slash professors
to keep students awake. They were just tossing weird details to keep them on
their toes. Oh really yeah, allegedly. I don't know how true that
is, all right now, if it isn't murder though, and it's like
kind of like a you know, it's a felony, but it's not too
serious statue in storage for like ten years and then it gets to come back
out. Ye, I guess. But he I only know the statue that
murdered. He murdered, so he killed that. Yeah, he got what
was coming to him. I don't know, it's something the guy the statue
was the statue was acting in self defense. I agree with that long enough.
Yeah, I agree with good point. Yeah, apparently there was manslaughter
at worst. Statue law. Apparently there was one trial that was actually animal
trial that was also made up, but it was made up by a contemporary
in the Middle Ages or Renaissance somewhere around there that was just to ruin the
reputation of another lawyer, okay, saying he defended rats in a trial and
they're like, look at this asshole. He's so stupid, or maybe it
was like, dude, this is is that not a real story? I've
heard that story. There is also a different story where someone defends rats in
a trial, which we will talk about, but this one, so they
said someone did either maybe to portray hims an ambulance or to portray them as
this fuck dumb or or dishonest, or he'll you don't want to be one
of his clients because his clients include literal rats. So it's appealing to like
the if you're one of his clients, you live amongst filth and vermin.
He's just a trash lawyer. He's a trashy lawyer, whereas today like amban
a kind of thing A lot of people, certainly a lot of lawyers know.
But I think it is also kind of like common sense as well.
My parents need to tell me this all the time when I would be like,
why don't the lawyer? I never see all the lawyers you say are
good in commercials. I only see these lawyers and commercials. They're like,
only bad lawyers have commercials, Like, only trashy lawyers have commercials. Is
a good relative have a good jingle? Yeah? Just because you're a PI
lawyer doesn't mean you're bad at your job. But like the funny thing though,
too, is like, no, it kind of does, because I've
worked for PI lawyers. Also, when Rob fixes his hat and takes it
off and puts it back on, that's when you know he's cooking a tap,
he's letting the steam out of I know it does because I've worked for
PI lawyers several different times. And No, the best PI lawyers do not
have fucking commercials or the market's oversaturated and you got to stick out. But
the funniest thing to me about the p I lawyers that you see on TV
is they don't do anything. They're just like they're they're brand. They're the
brand, and like they have a million people working under them. Oh yeah,
yeah, well Morgan, Yeah dude, you're not seeing him in fucking
court, But I don't think he can practice. You mean he'd murdered a
man, Morgan did? Yeah, dude, do you why he hit a
guy? He killed a pedestrian, which Morgan, the woman's on the TV,
the oldest one. Sometimes you live long enough to become the thing you
made your money off of. It'd be great if he defended himself in court.
Just no, he sued himself. Yeah he got They called his firm
to represent Yeah the guy who died, trust me, I got this one.
Yeah. It's like I'm gonna go to jail for a while, but
case we're I think part of the agreement was he just couldn't practice law anymore,
but he can still own the firm, all right, I guess so.
I mean, if you're if you're a capital partner, it yeah,
it seems like you just get the cash checks and not have to. I
mean, to be honest, I'm just saying, don't use a lawyer on
tv MM or do or don't. Just don't, just don't. That's maybe
not you shouldn't. There are no criminal lawyers who advertise, not really they're
like duhy lawyers. That's criminal ires im lawyers. You don't want to and
you do not want a lawyer to advertises. You definitely don't want a public
defender. If you don't, people don't ask for a public defender. You
get a public defender because you can't find any other lawyer. I think like
if you well, like what if he's got like slick back air and looks
cool. I just I can't stress this enough. Guys, you don't want
lawyers. I have worked for high end law firms. You don't want lawyers
to advertise what are you doing here? I don't know. You should have
got to law school? What are you doing here? Should have got a
fucking law school. Uh. Anyway, these trials took place, sometimes in
secular courts, sometimes in religious courts. It just depends on the case.
This first animal case took place, I guess in a religious court. The
monks of Saint Genevieve held the trial. It was twelve sixty six and a
pig and her piglets were put on trial because they eate a three year old
alive. Holy shit, pigs can Pigs are good at eating? Yeah?
They eat bones. Yeah. So they put the big on trial, put
it on the stand. There's a funny artist rendering. Although I don't think
it's of the era. I think it's much after the fact. I'm okay
with trying to pig. They're smart. They're smart. Yeah, they knew
they're like, oh, don't eat them because they're smart. But oh,
we can't put them on trial because they're not smart enough. Pick Alane,
seriously, pick al Aane. Talk about talking on both sides of your mouth.
Fucking's that's how you know. He's also the closest thing to human skin.
Pigskin. Yeah, going back to our gangs in New York references delicious,
that's a wound, that's a kill like it. So they put this
pig on trial, and the piglets, they were all on the stand together,
h Like I said. The monks of Saint Genevieve held the trial.
Both sides made their cases. The pig had lawyers, probably public defenders or
whatever the equivalent was at the time. Anyway, the judge determined that the
verdict is so funny to me because the judge determined that even though their owner
should have watched them more closely, it was still the pig's fault. Yeah,
the owner didn't need this kid, no, I mean, he let
his pigs run around and wasn't paying attention, but he didn't eat the child.
His pigs ate the child. We're not too far off, right,
Like if some shitty dog owners like pit bull bites a kid, they put
the pit bull. They didn't put the person down. I mean the person
actually know the person can be criminally charged as well. There is like criminal
negligence. There's criminal negligence. Yeah, I think like in most cases though,
it's just gonna be like for damages. But also, you have a
child, you know the risks. They are food for pit bulls. So
it's just like, man, I understand you're upset, but it's twelve sixty
six. You knew the risks of having a baby. Just look out for
all those pibules. Yeah, and pigs. This was, by the way,
like pig bulls. Pigs eating kids, as we will learn in this
episode, oddly common. Well, the kid's dead because that's a common now
thing where if you want to dispose of a body, you feed them to
the pigs. The kids did not start out dead when the feasts began,
so a lot they're just eating them alive. Y. Yeah, I don't
know how. What do you mean you don't know how? Three year olds
aren't exactly the best at balancing, and once you knock them down, they
there's multiple days stay down. Yeah, I can tell you. I feel
like both of my children could be quite easily eaten by pig You remember Snatch,
they have a whole pig pen for to get rid of people. I
guess it. It happens in deadwood like a hundred times. It would make
more sense though, if they're not moving right, like if a pig just
saw something. It's not a natural predator. Let me tell you something.
Predators there. I know they're disposals. Yeah, they're disposals. And honestly,
the kid probably goes into shock pretty quick, bleeds out not that long
after you're not moving. For I can't see a piggy. No, well
it happened. I don't know what to tell you. No, I didn't.
I don't think so. I'm just trying. No, no, I
believe you. I'm just trying to paint the picture of my head and I
just can't believe it. So it has to be a day kid. The
pig was found liable. The mother pig, the sow, was found liable.
However, sorry, the piglets were found that's damn, I'm dumb.
The piglets were found not guilty because the sow was the leader. They were
like, she's the ring leader. You got the piglet's just had to promise
to behave themselves after the fact. Putting the rico on them can't get them.
For the rico. Piglets were let off with a warning. Is this
for real? Like, actually the pig warned the judge piggies. I read
different accounts. The pig the sow was either hanged or burned at the steak,
depending on the account. Kind of hope burned at the steak, because
then it's a meal burned over a very slow yeah steak, just like a
little quickie. And uh yeah no, I mean like I was waiting for
a like joke to say about Rico and I Beerrico, Like, don't have
it. The important thing is it's there and we'll work on it. Yeah,
we'll work the posts. Sorry. I was actually just watching the Lions
side, weren't we all? Yeah, Jared Goff rolling out on first and
goal. Yeah, evergreen content, Evergreen cod. You don't know what you're
I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, it's you narrow it down. This
always happened the conference championship. This has always been happening. Uh. The
next trial, in thirteen sixty eight was another pig, again put on trial
for killing an infant. I this is on the parents, It kind of
is it kind of like watch your kid. Yeah, there was a I
think it was a a blog I wrote for the Patreon when I was going
through newspapers from like the eighteen nineties, and there were two kids, like
the parents just let their kids just open the door and were like see you
at dinner. Yeah, like it's morning, Like come back at dinner.
And one kid, like an eight year old or whatever, like had his
legs run over and saw it off by a trolley car and they were like
the boys were out playing while their mother was It was just like a normal
thing, and it was just like like yeah, I mean, you know,
you should's it sucks that kids can't just like go outside and ride their
or they can, but people don't do it, go outside and ride their
bikes alone. Whatever. But at the same time, like there was a
time when it was way too liberal with that where it was just like go
out into the city, I'll see you in twelve hours. Yeah, there's
a sweet spot somewhere. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, somewhere in there.
But the kids were just playing on the tracks. Well, now they
have danger parks for kids. You let them go play with like hot stoves.
No, like it's like hammers and power tools and shit, and you
don't intervene. That's pretty sweet because it's like it's like they're gonna hurt themselves
at some point, like get them comfortable around shit. So because like you're
gonna hurt yourself more if you're scared to handle something you are. Yeah,
so they're like all right, like there's hammers and nails and wrenches and shit.
Go play. Every park is a danger park. Yeah, because you
don't know who's trying to traffic your child. Yeah, you don't know who's
on that bench. You know that sounds like did you know for every child
in the United States there are five human traffickers. Really, yes, they're
all in Hollywood as including their parents. Actually both parents, both parents,
both parents are There are fifty million human traffickers in the United States today.
People don't know that. My people are afraid to admit it. Favorite thing,
the stat that everyone hates. This is the person most likely to blest
your child is you? Yeah, no, shit, that's the dumbest thing.
It's like, hey, are you afraid your child's can get molested?
Not an unfounded fear, not unfounded fear, certainly that's a terrible thing,
but uh, you're afraid you couldn't get molested? Yeah? Yeah, absolutely,
Are you currently molesting them? No, chances are you're probably good.
Yeah, then you're probably good. You were safer than but who's to say
future you won't. That's true, So maybe put a bullet in your head.
Just be safe, just to be safe. Dan's right, Rob,
see you fellas, just be a good dad man. I'll see uh this
side or the other. Rob. Oh my god. So thirteen eighty six
just fucking pig and another fucking kid. And the trial is notable. It
didn't just happen in this trial. But this what caught my eye about this
trial was one thing the courts would try to do is they would try to
make sure everyone knew that everything was super duper legit right. They didn't want
to make a mockery of the court. They wanted to make sure that the
court's authority was respected and that like under God and the law and everything like
that. So they tried to make things like on the up and up as
they possibly could. And I guess a way to do that was to dress
the pig and human clothes. Ah. Yes, that added legitimacy to the
trial. That doesn't make it seem like a freak show. Yeah, no,
not at all. That doesn't make it weirder. No, suddenly,
in fact makes it better. The pig, by the way, was found
guilty of eating the infant because it did and uh, you know, they
send us it to death. So it was brought out for its execution in
human clothes, and then right before they I think hung it, I don't
remember, right before they hung it, I think they even went to the
extra step of putting a human mask on its face. That's They're just like,
ah, this is legitimate, now, everything is perfect. I bet
Tony Blair wishes they did that made it easier. He sucked the pig.
Oh yeah, yeah, everyone knows that. When I was before you told
me, oh, before you told me the mask part, I was like,
oh man, you know, it would be even more ridiculous if they
brought out a little pig lawyer, I know, right, just like they
had to be. They had to be represented by the species that that.
Yeah, it's like, and you have to have a jury of your peers,
right, yeah, so like pig jury, half pig, half man.
Yeah, essentially, yeah, man bear jury man bear jury, man,
bear, pig jury man, pig jury. Yeah. Oh there you
go. It is. So in fifteen fifty six, a different pig was
tried, I don't know for what, probably eating a child found guilty and
then buried alive. Then they roasted. Well there's a fire just on the
other side of the hole. Yeah, that's how barbico was invented. Yeah.
Yeah to Hawaiian next to a volcano is where they buried alive and they
found someone. A grave robber dug it up and was like, God,
damn this I think smoke it. I was watching an episode of A Cooked
and they were showing how the Aborigines like they used forest fires to get cooked
meat because Iguana's tunnel underground, so they like burn land and then they just
go pull up the chart iguanas sweet and it's like, damn, is that
how they figured that out? Because that's dope. That's fantastic. Yeah.
You just get all the things that like scurry out from the ground that are
on fire. Yeah, they're like, damn these taste good cooked. Yeah,
that's actually incredible. Yeah. In another trial at the turn of the
fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, a group of rats, a group, whole group,
was put on trial for eating the town's barley. Damn. Now that's
that's just trying to take the whole town out. Yeah, because that's not
only like you know your food, but you can probably get this. He's
all over that shit too, disease all over that's their food. Probably maybe
some beer even I don't know for sure, you're racing to drink y Yeah,
yeah, yeah, noted French jurist Bartholomew Chassonnet took up the case of
the rats. Now, some thought he did this just to show off how
rhetorically gifted he was. He was like, I can even get these obviously
guilty fucking animals off, Like that's how good. It was a heat check
for the lawyer. Essentially, I will get the rats proven innocent. So
the rats were issued a summons. The rats, however, did not show
up to the trial. Chassonat argued quite brilliantly on the rats behalf that they
probably didn't even get the summons. They got a plea deal because they're rats.
Yeah they got deal. No, no, no, they didn't get
They have to see the summons. Got to know you served them, right,
If you don't serve them, then they they're not on those anything.
Yeah. So he first argued that he was like, they didn't get the
summons probably because they're rats. They moved on to the next town. They're
not here anymore. Then, he argued that even if they did get the
summons, they might not have felt safe coming to court. They might not
have felt they could have made it to court safely because of all the cats
in town. It's fair and if the if the safety of the defendant or
anyone else could not be guaranteed, then they didn't have to come to court.
Right what year is this call it sixteen or fifteen hundred? Fifteen hundred?
Actually what made right of two? We go into witness protection? What
he hit him under the hat in the first place. Yeah, that's why
he's hiding. He'sn't hiding there. Yeah, yeah, you know, someone's
just like fucking magne Karta. Look at this point, like, why the
fuck did we ever? This is dumb? Well, I don't think this
happened in Magna Carta Land. I don't think this was in France. Oh
yeah, but regardless. Yeah. So he then argued that essentially that they
couldn't their safety couldn't be guaranteed. The lawyer concluded that it was legal for
his clients to not have shown up to the trial, and the judges found
themselves forced to drop the case because A they couldn't you know, disprove refute
what he was saying, and b they couldn't knock off one of his points
that the rats weren't coming because they didn't feel safe. Because they couldn't convince
all the other villagers who's who lost their barley to keep their cats indoors.
Oh, the villagers were like, no, not to keep out cuts in
doors. Absolute mon I don't blame them. Yeah, So they were just
like, no, we're not doing that. Next up in fourteen seventy four,
this is one of the more famous animal trials. I'm sorry real quick
if I was a villager and this was going on after like the real issue
of we low start barley to rats was a thing we had to do,
wasting like civic energy on trying rats. Fuck are you doing? I'm finding
the mare and killing him. It's like, this is this is what's going
on in ar I think we waste taxpayer dollars now, right, dude,
there's a whole last trial to point a finger essentially rats, to have it
on record who we pointed the finger at, the historical reasoning for why they
did this, is maybe my favorite part. Well that's the prosecution of jan
six am. I right, brother, I'm not touching it. Unwrap that
one. I'm not you have fun? Do you know that I'm not standing
shit? No, no, I'm gonna throw the grenade in and I'm gonna
leave. That's all. She's just back to watching Brock Party take knees.
Uh yeah, it stars a great age came back and wanted thank God.
In fourteen seventy four, this is the uh. I think it was like
the Basil Basil Rooster trial whatever, I don't I don't know what the actual
name is. I don't remember what the actual name is. But they put
a rooster on trial in Switzerland. The rooster was put on trial for doing
something pretty perverse, obscene. I don't know it woke people up. That's
what I thought was gonna happen. That it was just like two noisies.
Actually, you know what, it didn't do his job. It didn't wake
people up. It didn't wake someone up. It caused someone to like miss
an important meeting. Well, he didn't hit thet the trolley car switch and
nine people died. It definitely went on trial for doing something that wasn't part
of its job description. Oh, it laid an egg. The rooster did.
The rooster laid an egg. That's blasphed. Oh it was a trans
rooster, trans from Afrodite. I don't know. These people figured that if
a rooster laid an egg, it was definitely either sent by or more likely
fucked by the devil. That's fair. The devil fucked the rooster, put
an egg in it, and then it laid the egg. And there were
bigger problems because because a man can't lay an egg, well unless the devil
fucks it, right, and they believe the devil that sucked it. The
devil was just out on a stroll in Switzerland. Yeah, just like you
know what devil would down to Switzerland. He was looking for a rooster.
Fuck rooster on the mountain. No, I don't know, I'm just having
fun. Guys. They figured there there's so they if a rooster laid an
egg. There was a whole mythology around this. If the egg hatched,
it would birth a cocka trees. This sounds like Pokemon. It this,
this thing is a fucking pokemon. A cocka trees. A cocka trees is
a two legged dragon with wings and the head of a rooster. I'm looking
it up. Hold on, yeah, it's an evil medieval I don't know,
dragon animal type thing. Oh my god, it looks like a velociraptor.
Yeah, thing cocka trees will suck you up. It's got its own
magic. The gathering, so they thought of Cocketries was going to come in
and start murdering all of them, hash from the egg and murder everybody.
So they've smashed the egg and uh, you know, executed the rooster.
That Satan fucked fair. You can get Satan. Missed him again? Miss
him again? That sly sly Satan. He's a tough one to catch.
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Speaking of having sex with animals, okay, well, I could not find
a specific beastiality trial. It was often that both person and animal would be
arrested when they were caught banging. Oh man, you gotta like try and
split the story. It's like, oh no, that horse came on to
me, man, I thought it was a lady. They let you go
from the horses or from the Yeah, the horse's interrogation chamber to the person's
interrogation chamber. It's like, I got bad news for you, Leopold.
That fucking horse spilled the beans. He said, you you were doing it
all. That's bullshit. He's like, no, man, no, he
wouldn't say that. You wouldn't say that about Meme cracks. Fuck you,
Copper. No, you gotta have like a little fake id of like a
person that's above age. The horse game of this idea, I say it
was eighteen like, yeah, but it says it was a horse. Also,
Oh sh that's the problem. Oh no, well, I mean no.
So in this instance, however, the animal was rarely blamed because somehow
the animal could commit murder right, could have a criminal thought and act it
out, but could not consent to sex. That makes animal was always the
victim. That makes sense. I agree with that. And I guess a
kid can commit a crime but can't commit to consent to sex. So yeah,
if you do absolutely right, that tracks completely. So yeah, typically
it was the person who would, uh, I don't know, probably get
tortured or burned at the stake or whatever. Yeah, you know, in
a Colombia, there's like a whole mule fucking problem. Apparently Colombia vice did
a whole thing on it. Two people, I mean, there are people,
all the veterans we know say that there is a lot of animal fucking.
They say the stereotype is there for a reason. Yeah, I mean,
I don't know. You're all out there by yourself. You know What's
an even weirder fetish. I'm realizing when I get exposed to a lot of
the m MA fighters from like Daugistan or any of the Middle Eastern countries,
more than little guys like has Bula, they're into it. I think sexually.
I don't know. It almost seems like they fuck with them all the
time. But it almost seems like there is something weirdly sexual. It's not
just friendly. It's like they're affectioned tole. Yeah, but they're affectionate people.
And also like this isn't the Middle East but in India, Like dudes
hold hands all the time. But yeah, it's more of a remember Odors
like brother jerked off one of his teammates in Minor Yeah, yeah, rough
a bunch of dudes, a bunch of dudes, Like it was like a
hazing thing. They were jerking him off and he was like stop it.
I hate it. I get that vibe from a lot of the Dagistani fighters,
probably uh with like little has bull Uh where like they have a bunch
of those guys that look like that really that are like two feet down.
They all fight each other, right, they're always violent, Yeah, because
I've been fucked with their whole life. Yeah, I like, so they
just fight. Nothing's better than seeing hospital behind like a fucking like fifty cow
chain gun. The best is when he drives and he is reckless, or
like if he's around larger animals driving a ferrari. I think there's like one
where he's fighting a chicken or something that too. That was fun. It
was probably rooster, yeah, and then he sucked it and put a cockatry.
It fucking has bulla if you're a female. Obviously he's of age now,
but it sends the wrong message. It's not good. Who's sending the
right message in any of that? However, that goes down like no one
sending the right message there. It's wildly famous now, but but it's happening
in like a ship club and you're going back to a ship hotel. And
he looks like a toddler. Yeah, yeah, like a weather toddler.
And that's different from like Vern Troyer, like a child. It looks like
like an adult but small yeah, well, yeah, very it was just
very tiny. Man. But and I mean no, we're not gonna,
you know, kink shame or freak shame. But man, if you're fucking
has bowler, you're fucking a toddler. We're not gonna do this thing.
But now, yeah, last, but not least is maybe my second favorite.
Tied for favorite. In fifteen ninety one, czar Boris Gutnov's son and
heir was murdered. This is a solemn national tragedy in Russia. Horrible,
horrible event, a day of morning whatever. But one bell didn't get the
memo. Oh no, oh no, oh no, is this We should
have put the Liberty Bell on trial, honestly for walking. I'm pressure.
Yeah, it just couldn't hold up. Yeah, cowardice. So we got
a lazy bell on a season. Yeah, treason, it's well, I
think just cowardice. Right, uh, cracked under pressure. Whatever you go
in a wall. Maybe that too, not doing its duty. No,
we can try. I don't know why we celebrate it. It's a it's
the symbol for Philadelphia, a broken bell. Yeah, nothing better than that
thing. It doesn't work. A broken bell. Our sports hero is a
fictional character that loses. Yeah, like more more than once. He loses
more than he wins. How many times does he lose Rocky? He loses
in the Ross movie losing Rocky one wins Rocky too. Does he lose three?
No, he doesn't lose to club or Lang. Doesn't he fight A
Paul again? He like to Pollo in two and beats him. Oh,
you're right, and then he fights mister t and three he definitely loses in
the Ladder the Ladder like Rocky Balbow, but then he wins in four,
Yeah, because he beats the his friend apologizing for you. Five, I
think he wins a street fight. I've seen zero of these movies. But
Rocky Balboa he loses because he comes back from retiringment. He's old and just
yeah, hey man, but he got to do steroids for the role.
And then he trains Michael B. Jordan, who loses and creeds. True
guys a fucking loser. Yeah, one time. Guy's taken one like three
times. But yeah he is for a boxer, you can't be taken all
these ls tomato cans. Yeah, he's getting paid to get his ass kicked.
He is the tomato kid. He is the rocky hot take. He
is the guy that people build their resume and records off of. Yeah.
So this bell in Uglitch, Russia decided to ring on the day of morning,
even though it's sad day and bells are joyous. Upon hearing this,
bizarre didn't even give the bell a trial. Classic Russia move. It is
classic Russia move. He push it out a window. He yeah, he
ordered it to be exiled, but first tortured, tortured the bell. He
ordered the bell to be torture. How do you torture a bell, rob,
Well, the Russians, you ring it? It falls off that wrong.
Actually, the Russians really let this bell have it. First they whipped
it. Get that bell. It whipped the fuck out of it. I
think a bell would enjoy it. Then they d tickling a bell right when
you tickle your like giggling like all bells are. Well, then things got
serious. They took off its top ring so you couldn't hang it anymore.
Oh man, they cut off its I don't know what could just cut They
tortured it. Then they took out its clapper so it couldn't ring anymore,
which is apparently the equivalent of cutting out its tongue. Yeah, that's definitely
cutting the tongue out. They fucked his bell up. I wonder if they
pissed on the bill. I'm sure they did. Then they sent it to
some message to bells, to other bells. Then they sent to Siberia,
where it sat for three hundred years. Damn send it to the huh yeah,
cold to the fucking gulag. Uh. So, one historian did have
an explanation on why they probably tried animals and enameate objects over the years.
And it's like, you know how we always say, like, man,
it was so fucked up to live in the past. Things no I wish
and things were just like grim back then, and there was so much tragedy
and stuff like that. And I think we do this to an extent now
too. But this is like I kind of felt this. Uh. The
trials essentially allowed the community to quote domesticate chaos by providing a consensus explanation of
social reality to replace what would otherwise seem to be frightening and uncontrollable activity that
actually makes perfect sense, That makes so much sense. They were trying to
make the uni explainable. Yeah, it's like, why do these objectively horrible
things happen at random, but like we have the we have the methodology and
the tools to be able to call that and like put it in record.
I guess we like by putting it through this human made system, it's making
it more digestibles as a thing to happen. Yeah, that makes sense.
I can see that. I was just like, damn, it's brutal.
Yeah, that's sad. Yeah, but it makes sense in a weird way.
We got it. Like they're just like, man, this mom watched
your kid get eaten by twenty pigs. We gotta kill something to make her
feel like this all makes sense. Yeah, because it doesn't. Yeah,
we need something especially, and that kind of makes sense of why they would
go through the trouble of making it seem not like a clown show. Yeah,
it's like, no, we got to make it seem super legit for
that reason. Yeah, no, it makes a lot of sense. I
just want justice. I don't care who gets it. Don't we all justice
as a human whether or not they're you know, guilty, it doesn't matter.
I just want to feel that's not even justices want an explanation and these
that's what all these people want, I just want to reason. No,
it's the year of justice, baby, whatever has been. What what do
you guys learned to Yeah, I learned that people are wasting on us.
I can you peg the term perfectly civic energy on explaining horrible things away.
There was a I think this wasn't too accepted, but there was also kind
There is a theory, and I think maybe people wrote about it at the
time, So I think this one wrote out of the time that a lot
of these lawyers and stuff were doing it just to make money. I could
see that that makes a lot more sense than what we first said. Yeah,
but what I did actually learn today is that there's orcas in the Mediterranean.
I learned that they're all over there anywhere. Yeah, they're pretty much
they could be right here. Yeah, they're in the roof. They're gonna
show up in your seat one day. There's a There could be an orca
in one part of your roof and the CIA guy and the other. For
all I know, You're just taking a shower one day and an orca fucking
wiggles out and kills you. Yeah, yeah, maybe or are feds feds,
Yeah, mm could be they got a black and white suit on.
Yeah, it makes you think men in black? What'd you uh? What'd
you learn? Honestly, this whole episode, I had no idea. We
tried animals, which makes sense looking back, but inanimate objects a little bit
more harder, I guess, harder to digest. Did you ever watch that
show? I think it was on like Annie that was like my weird fetish
or like my weird kink or something like that or yeah, it was like
it was like my weird It was for people that had strange addictions. Yeah,
right, but show show name is not important. Yeah, there was.
There was one lady I watched where she marry a tree because there's multiple
people that have married trees. Even weirder, it was an old ferris wheel
that she got like erotically drawn to. Okay, because there's that guy who
fucked his car. Yeah, same kind of thing. Like they did a
whole episode that was okay with that. If you fall in love with an
old timey ferris wheel, it was. It was so unique that I'm okay
with it. No, it's not old timey old like so just out of
date. She like talked about how she wanted like the old rusty drippings.
Of water to like run all over and stuff from it, like the old
oil. She want a money shop, she wanted. Yeah, she wanted
to fuck this ferris wheel. And it was just like Fred of Art.
I could watch two hours of this lady explaining how she would do this thing,
because it was like I'd watch that. You just strap a dildo to
it, to every cart, actually every car, and you just kind of
think, bink you find every day is a new day. Yeah, it's
true. You just sit there getting train run on you by every Ferris Wheel
cart. Sorry, I had to leave you for my Yeah, nineteen eighty
six ferris wheel. Yeah, it's an eighties first woel not that cool if
it was a twenties fair. Yeah, old timey. Who's today's hitler?
Or because I guess pigs. It seems like pigs, pigs, kids live
children, That's what I learned it. They eat alive humans, which again
I thought they only ate like decomposing bodies. Have you ever seen Hannibal?
They eat Gary Oldman alive. I'll be real, I haven't seen Annibal.
It's not very good, but they do eat Gary Oldman alive. Gary Oldman
is in a lot of bad movies. A great actor, great actor,
a lot of bad movies. That movie has three Academy Award winners, and
I believe, believe God, Gary Oldman's in so many things. Now I
think about it like, I was just like, oh, Book of Eli.
Actually, the Hannibal cast elis the first thing that came to mind.
I was just trying to think of, like a random movie that he's in.
Book of Eli. Yeah, that movie Julianne Moore, who I believe
has an Oscar. Anthony Hopkins obviously that's a recent oscar. Gary Oldman,
No, who, No, Gary Hopkins Hopkins won an Oscar for playing Hannibal
Lecter. Oh then he also did win one like a year ago. Oh,
you're right, you're right, it's it's been a while. Yeah.
And then and then you just tossed Aliota in there. Yeah. Also,
Jake, the fact that you brought up Book a Eli. I don't recall
a movie I was more hyped on from just the trailer. So disappointed with
the actual movie movies whatever. Book of Eli. Yeah, the twist,
and it didn't need to happen either, Always Blind Yeah, oh well cool
Bible yeah real yeah, sick, it was cool if it wasn't. It
was fine either way. He would have survived if he just told him that.
Yeah, it's like I'm the only person that can transcribe this. Yeah
you bitch. Yep, YEP. That's all I got for today. Thank
you so much for listening. Obviously like and subscribe or leave a review Patreon
five dollars a month for a whole bunch of episodes and you know, new
stuff all the time. Thank you so much for watching, for listening,
subscribe to the YouTube all that stuff for Dan or Jeff's fingers crossed the audio
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and Jake Goldman. I'm Rob Fox. You just gotta sawcer