Hello, fire Escape Cast listeners. This is Dan Reichord. Hey, you
might have seen an episode pop up in your feed today and you thought,
hey, wait a minute, it's every other week and we just had one
last week. While I'm here to tell you to calm down. It's okay.
Everything is wrong with your phone and your internet connection. I just put
up a bonus episode here because my father, Paul Reichord, was in town
last weekend and we sat on the deck for three hours and we recorded a
long, unabridged, unedited conversation about a whole lot of things. If you
want to see the video, it's up on my YouTube. But figure it.
Hey, it's an off week on fire Escape Cast here, why don't
we go ahead and upload that here if you're looking for something to listen to.
So, without further ado, here is me and my dad on a
deck. One thing I forgot to do on this trip. What's that zip
Hop? Well, look it's not zip Hop without the lyrics. So hit
him, come on, hit him with the pop hid him with this.
I'm not inspired yet. That's where it gets intolerable. It's a lot of
My name is Paul, and I'm here to say sixty year old white guy
thought like, this is what you think rap is type stuff. It's great.
I'm sitting by the fire. No, no, no, don't do
it without zipp hopping. The people will love it. No, you you
got time it right. I'm sitting by the fire. It's my life's desire
with my son named Dan. He's my one um, one man. What
do you think he does this a lot? He has three kids. We
all hate it, and we've all told him in no uncertain terms that it's
insufferable. No one likes it, not even in a funny way. It's
just hard to get through and we wish he would stop. Why do you
think I do it? That's a shoot a shoot? Do you know what
that means? It's a wrestling thing. Oh, look at you, it's
capabe whoa look at you? Go we already? Or take your jacket off
amidst this roaring flame. I needed earlier, I don't need it now.
Yeah, the fire mix things hot. So, uh, general topics?
What are we doing here? We're just talking. We could sum up the
week. Yeah. Here, let's start with something you said at Fenway Park.
So, Dad, you're here in town. It's your sixtieth birthday was
yesterday, two days ago, Thursday, Thursday. It is now Saturday.
You said something. One of my favorite things you do is say things with
the utmost confidence and certainty that are just factually incorrect. Let me hit you
with this one, because we said there's gonna be more to unpack here.
You said at the game we were talking about Boston accents, and you were
saying, that's, oh, yeah, you know you're from You're from a
place that doesn't have an accent. And it's like, I think I said
that when I was like twelve and I was I was Someone told me like,
oh, well, no, you just think that because that's you grew
up hearing that, and you're like, no, no, no, it's
just we don't have an accent. We have just the default accents. You
know why you think it's the default, right, because it's mine, right,
and that's all you've heard growing up. Let me ask you this,
sure, do folks hard with hardcore like Boston accents? Do they not think
they have an accent? They probably think they have a Boston accent, right,
And we have a Midwestern accent which doesn't exist. Why because there's no
irregular pronunciations of anything. What is irregular? The cat going to the cat
and the yah. But do you think that's irregular or someone from Boston or
Sath I don't know, y'all. Do you think that's irregular to someone from
the South talking like that if you were born in Atlanta? No, because
they know they speak with the Southern accent, just like we speak with a
Midwestern accent. That doesn't exist. You have to have why why is it
difference? Why is it different from the Midwest? Something has to exist in
order to have it. What does that mean? It's too deep for you?
No, this is you realize you have no idea what you're talking about.
You really do believe that, because here's here's the difference. I think
a lot of times I do things as bits, and a lot of people
are like, does he actually think that? So I'm asking straight up,
do you believe this? Yes, you believe that we don't have a Midwestern
accent because that doesn't exist. Yes, there's nothing we say. We don't
say anything in a way that's peculiar. But what determines what's peculiar? You
know, if it's not said the way it's intended to be said, how
is it intended to be said, Like the word automobile is supposed to be
automobile. In England, it would be an automobile. And do you think
a person in England would think that's peculiar? How I said that? How
they would say it? Right? No, because they know they have British
accents, right, and we should know that we have Midwestern accent. That's
the thing he has to exist to have it. What does that mean?
What are you talking about? You can't have a Midwest accent when there's no
accent to have. Oh, I'll die on this hill. I don't know
for getting past. It's like North Dakota, Minnesota. Man in Minnesota,
right, if you asked Tim Terry if he thought it was weird or peculiar,
he says broom instead of broom. Well, no, that's that's how
you'd be like, Oh, yeah, I've got the Minnesota in accent.
So let me ask you this. Yes, if you say Minnesota like Minnesota
or Minnesota, which is the one with an accent? Well, to me,
someone who grew up in Kansas, Minnesota is the Minnesota accents. So
you don't think people from Minnesota who say Minnesota like that realize that they say
it differently than everyone else. Who's everyone else outside the Midwest or outside of
that region? Right? Can they hear us? Yes, there's a billion
microphones here. Yes, Yes, we got the roaring fire here. It's
not that loud, it's just fire, all right. I'm right on this
really. Yeah. Let us know in the comments, folks, genuinely,
if you agree with him, let them know. If you don't, let
them know. I'm curious. Here's the thing. If this video came out
and it was unanimously people thought you were wrong, would you reconsider No.
I think that's the thing. I think it's like, in the face of
being wrong about it. When was the last time you feel you were totally
wrong about something and your mind was changed because you learn more. Oh,
it's happened. Yeah, can you think of a There's been times in my
life. It's been a while, but when I was younger when I was
pronouncing a word completely incorrectly, Yeah, and someone would point out to me
and explain to me the right way to say it, and I recognized I
was wrong and I corrected it, and I haven't done that way since.
Yeah, that's like a right or wrong like pronoun that's like a binary thing.
This is like a concept that I think you're failing to understand. I'd
have to go. I'll think about that throughout the night, and I'll get
back with you, Okay. I when I was a young man, I
was like most young people. I thought I knew everything. It turns out
I really didn't know much. Yeah, but I used to have this saying
that if you ever get if you ever get into an argument or a debate
with me, know that you're wrong, because I will not engage in a
debate or an argument unless I know one hundred percent that I'm right. And
I've I've shifted that. Now I'll accept the fact that I could be wrong.
But I used to not if I got into something unless I knew I
was right. Yeah, I wouldn't push it. I feel like I have.
I have not changed all my opinions, but I feel like just the
way I've thought about things in most every regard that matters has changed since like
college, in terms of just like what matters in life, like just things
that like in college, I would say with the utmost, like if you
don't like Bubb Dylan, you're an idiot. You know, it's like that
type of stuff. I've softened so much. You've got a lot better about
that. Well, yeah, just because it's just I don't know. I
think you just meet enough people and you realize how like abrasive that can be
and things like that, and you you recalibrate. You know, I did
think of an example. Well you know this, but nobody else will.
I grew up in an environment where and an environment and a time where most
women did not work. Oh, your mom was an very and this My
mom was the root of this. She was very negative about any woman that
worked. And once I got out in the world on my own, got
married, started having my own family, and realizing what there was more to
life than my hometown. You realize that the most people need to incomes to
survive. Sure, sure, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact,
it's admirable that anybody wants to work is out there working, and that
things that you might have just accepted as gospel because like a parent told you,
at a certain time, it was like yeah, yeah, Well,
and as you get older, you learn that everything you were taught wasn't necessarily
correct. There's a fun reason when I learned back in the day growing up,
you had very strong thoughts about wine and the drinkers of wine and their
hoity tweetiness and so forth. I, I know, drink wine on a
regular basis. What do you think of that, mister? I think you're
proving me right that I'm hoity toity. You're you're veering towards hoity toity.
You are the only person on the planet. I think that accuses me being
hoity toity. You were calling these elite coastal pants earlier because I had three
pockets. Hoity toity didn't even used to be on your GPS. But it's
it's you're It's not a destination yet, but it's on the GPS. By
the way, you keep leaning towards that you don't need to just comfort.
Wasn't that for comfort? Okay? Okay, um, so okay, yeah,
so do you do you not? You're not headed towards hoity twits,
You're not in hoity twitty, But it's on the map. It's an option
for you to go to give us your thoughts. And you've changed so much
in the last ten years, mostly for the better, mostly for the better.
Uh. But you're and you're so a fairly young man, So you're
changing so the being a wine scarf guy, I'm sorry, what please elaborate
on the scarf burnet a scarf and wine guy? You're you're I'm sorry?
Have you ever seen me wear a scarf? And also if I did,
who gives? I said? Headed towards Oh, I'm heading towards scarfton.
Yeah, okay, scarf city here, scarf City USA? All right,
got it? You are, you're bandoning your Okay, so let's let's just
hear the thoughts on wine. Wine's fine. I do think I do think
that a lot of people drink wine because they think it makes them look classier
than drinking whiskey. All right, I send to you with us. Do
you think Mike Mhardy actually enjoys drinking wine? Yeah? Okay, all right,
all right, you're not that far out of the left field here.
All right. I thought you were gonna say he's like trying to put on
airs or something like when he was born, like his DNA was whitey twitty
DNA when he was born on the Lacrosse farm. Yes, yes, okay,
all right, so you're doing knowledge that people can enjoy whine. Do
you think I enjoy wine? Do you think any part of me? Genuine
question, do you think any part of me is putting on airs? No?
Okay, So why do you think I'm drinking wine? Because you're not
wired. Why do you think I'm drinking wine? It's part of the whole
evolution you being married. She's not even a wine. But what are you
talking about it? It's just the whole. It's just what you do.
What was that mean? You do different ship when you get married and you
get settled down in domesticated and you get older, you do I love the
domesticated thing. Well, there's the great toilet lid fiasco. It's the greatest
divide in our relationship in the last five years is the toilet lid piasco.
You've got to admit. And again, mostly for the good. Do you
have changed dramatically? And I think a lot. She's been really good for
you. Oh my god. Yeah, you're getting close to resembling an adult,
whereas before it was even close. But there are parts of you there
are a lot more adults. And do you think if I hadn't gotten married,
like I think, you ascribe a lot of things and changes to getting
married. You definitely have your thoughts on marriage and Jenner. Marriage is a
life changer and a lot of right, do you think I would have changed?
Like if I didn't get married? Do you think i'd be the exact
same as when I was twenty five? No? Right? But you wouldn't
be the sec same as you are now? Well? Sure, I mean
every big life thing changes. You wouldn't be drinking wine, you don't think
so? So wait, so you directly think I'm drinking wine because I got
married. I think it's a result of a by of you becoming married and
older and set part of that and settled down, which she's not even really
a drinker, right, Why would that has changed part of the whole settling
down and being not a wild man drinker and being more sophisticated. You drink
right full, drink ten button lights in a fucking stream and fart six times
on a stream and play donkey kock. I'm worried about seeming like adultery,
But twenty years ago you would have drink forty lights and farted sixty times.
That's I guess I am. It's not an overnight thing. Okay, I
guess it's. Yeah. The fart scale is a is a gradual. It's
a gradual thing. That's right. That's right. Again, I could be
wrong. Do you think you are largely different than you were ten years ago?
Yeah? Not in any good ways? Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you think? What are the what are the key things?
Do you think I've become far less social? Yeah? I mean ten years
ago you weren't exactly like you were. Pretty it was the beginning of the
downfall, I mean yeah, yeah, the homebody thing, the not wanting
to do anything. I feel like you were deep into that about ten years
ago. Yeah, everything radically changed for me when I retired from the post
office. That was the thing I was concerned. It was the structure.
The taking the structure out of my life wasn't good. That was the thing.
I remember you talking to me when you were considering it, and I
remember telling you on the phone that I could see it going one of two
ways. I could see it either being well, this could be really really
good for you. You now have all this time because people, it was
a hard fucking job. You were busting her, especially during like holiday seasons
and stuff and time consuming exactly. Yeah, So I thought like, Okay,
either this is gonna be you now have all this time, and you're
gonna like, you know, you're gonna find hobbies and passions and go on
vacations and travel and stuff. Or I withdrew into myself, that's the thing,
And like I think I knew that inclination that you already had. And
the other big thing is physically, Oh yeah, I mean because I didn't
I didn't have a walking route. I did most of the work in the
truck, but I was on my feet for half the day and and physically
active all day. And then I just I mean, there was a period
of a or nine years, right, I didn't exercise, like barely did
anything physical. Well, that's one area I want to give you credit.
Very recently, like in the last year or so. Is that something happened
and you decided he didn't want to feel like that anymore, and you have
actually started. You've got a gym membership, and we're being proud of you,
but being like, oh okay, now you actually have to go.
And I knew that because you are such a creature habit and you fear changed
that like if you could just turn it into a habit, and like I
know, like, look, I'm no fucking athlete. I need to work
out way more than I do. It's it's the hardest part is getting it,
making it a habit. But once you do, yeah, and that's
a struggle every time I do it. But yeah, but you're you're doing
it now, yeah, three times a week. Yeah. And I even
said, right when I saw you on this trip, it's like, oh
we should that's uh. I noticed because like I used to get concerned when
you know, you'd get halfway up a flight of stairs and have to like
sit down and like we's basically or go to the mailbox and get winded.
You know, like now you're you're cardio like walking around Boston and stuff,
like we to walk it. It's definitely better. Yeah. Yeah, does
it just feel good? Yeah? I just got tired of feeling like shit.
Yeah yeah, that's all that was. Yeah. I had that membership
what five six years ago, and I was paying for it every month,
not min It's ten bucks a month, which is insane. I don't know
how the fuck every other gym is like eighty dollars a month and plan A
Fitness is ten. That's where the Midwest is awesome. They planet fitnesses here
like East coast. They can't be ten bucks. I think they are.
Really, Yes, are we sponsored? Can we be? Yeah? But
he takes three hours to get there in traffic, and if you don't have
a car, it's fifty bucks in an uber. Jesus you look. Big
cities should just call themselves Welcome to the big City. Anywhere you want to
go forty five minutes fifty bucks. I just every funk that we're just in
Boston only two days. Every bar we go to, every time you go
to order a drink, oh, let's take a bud of light. What
is that? Eighteen dollars? Four bartenders has been like, ah, I
don't set the prices. It's just ridiculous. Yeah. I look today went
to a barbecue place and uh, the ladies like, oh any any allergies?
Just high prices. God, they love pull the string on you.
It's like it's too expensive. They love waitresses, love old guys making jokes,
oh god about things they can't control. Right. We came up with
a new character in Boston, what cookie guy? Cookie guy? Oh in
Boston and a chief Predator picture because literally just every single thing you do,
every single thing you buy, it's just uh too expensive. Too. It's
showing. I don't know how many times I heard you say what don't say?
Where I live my wikipedia, you would say every time. If I
was back in Kansas, goose and gander, goose and gander, goose and
gander. What does that mean? What? What is that? What's good
for the goose is good for the gander? What is it? What are
you talking about? Everybody else knows? Sure? Okay, Oh, if
I was back in Kansas, I could spend ten cents in cass I could
go to McDonald's. It's spend four dollars on a meal. It's delicious,
check and it fills me up. It's even got a drink check. But
every single time, but here would be thirty bucks or yeah, but like,
why even travel if that's how you liked, stay home and e McDonald
don't travel the big cities. That's the thing. If you quit moving these
big cities, I'd quit. Definitely go to live in Boston. You wanted
to go there? Ah, jeez, are you when I'm when I'm used
to going out to lunch by myself and I can literally get a great meal
for six bucks, and then all of a sudden, every lunch I have
a sixty bucks. I mean we still have McDonald You don't think I'm supposed
to balk with that. I mean we still have me. But I mean,
here's the difference. I feel like you, even when traveling or especially
when you're home, like, you're not the type that like, oh,
i'll treat myself. I'll go out and I'll get like a nice meal or
something. I'm not talking some Michelin Star one hundred dollars meal or anything like
that. I'm saying going out and spending twenty four dollars on a dinner and
set of four dollars, it's ridiculous. So you don't see the value in
it. No why because you and you're hungry, you get the meal,
you're not hungry anymore, the same result. You can do it for five
bucks or fifty, So for you, it's it's purely utilitarian. Wow,
look at you with a thirty dollar words thirty dollars words. Yeah, it's
all about the money. So you never like, oh, I'm gonna treat
myself and get this thing. Cost a little more, but I'm gonna get
this. Occasionally I will splurge and do uber eats, but that's more a
root of convenience, convenience and laziness. So it's never just like I want
to get a step, like, but I love McDonald's that I won't do
that often. Yeah, but you know I love McDonald's. And I know
you think I'm like hoity toity now or whatever, but like I'm still eat
McDonald's and Taco Bell and Popeyes and shit like very very frequently, like at
least once a week, right, Like, but I also like to occasionally
like, oh, you know, we're gonna go out to like a nice
restaurant stuff. Oh god, something made a sound. If it wasn't that,
it's that one, I'll go checho quick. I'm kind of digital coyote
or something. Digital digital coyote. That's right, everyone loves the digital coyotes.
They're really good. Yes, you should have seen him before they were
playing a rat is sure, of course, seen him in the clubs.
That's where the yeah, that's where the magic was. Yeah yeah, yeah.
But you're hungry fulfill the need. You don't have to spend fifty bucks
to do it. List I'm with you, and the thing with you that's
triply infuriating is you do your that phrase your eyes are bigger than your stomach.
Oh sure, sure, so true. With you, you almost always
order way more than can you eat, and then you get those it's a
ritual. Now at this point, you get the star from box bringing home
and then it never gets eaten and it gets thrown away. And it's because
I hate wasting food. I do too. I do two. I hate
it. And it's like if it wasn't like a traveling thing where it's like
on a time limit, then like I don't think I would do that.
I think it's with you. We get appetizers when we go out, and
I think it's the beers too. Well, yeah, but I'm talking more
about like the appetizers like fill me up and like normally like monk and I
aren't going to like you know, family feed farm places where it's given me
like twenty pounds of macaroni and cheese or whatever. So like it's too much
food now that is on me. I need to like not order as much
appetizers. And it's a lot of it's the drinks because I don't I mean,
it's just a different way of doing things. That's fine, but I
don't like to drink alcohol when I eat. Yeah, and so I'll usually
just get water and usually get a couple six dollars beers. What is the
right price for a beer? Three fifty max? Three fifty max. Yeah,
okay, like regular, like not on sale. I mean my standard
used to be. I mean Bars Veussels twenty years ago, used to be
you could get a beer for two bucks. Oh I was in college,
or in dollars seventy five of those giant schooners Louisa's college town. Yeah,
I love it. Seems like something that's annoyed you more as time's gone on
is the selection of beers because you only need like two. I remember I
looked at a drink menu and Boston you're just like, uh than I knew
would never look at a drink menu. He would just point and say,
give me a beer and take one of the four beers that there should be.
And like it's true, you really, I know, you really don't
like it when beers have weird names. You told me, hmm, my
friend's son drinks a beer called yoga pants. Oh, this one says kitten
something. It was that kittens and cookies or something something. That there's a
billion beers. They can't be good I mean, I don't know. I'm
not like a crap beer guy, despite what you think. Not a crap
beer guy. Bacalar, Oh my god, I would love to hear you.
Backlar would kill you. Me and back Lar and Broadway Alex should all
go out, go out some time, and Jeff order fancy beer and won't
be able to go there because there was a chicken there in nineteen eighty.
You know, he'll sing about it. Oh, the beer is so expensive
and there's so many choices. What should we do about the beer? Shut
up theater? Good, shut up Alex an order or something. Backlard it's
like Backlar. I feel like it's like one if it's like Backlar's like pinball
hockey and uh and like being a beer enthusiast, Like every time I drink,
every time i'm drinking light or if I order by light, Backlar will
always tell me, like, oh, you might as well just say I'll
have a glass of piss. I'll drink my own piss. I'll just it's
just like that's all because that's where you're drinking. It's just pee. It's
just piss. Like, what are your thoughts on that it tastes good.
That makes me go ah. After about six of them, I will say
I am with you on this again, despite what you have concocted in your
head about me being a coastal elite beer snub. I drink to get drunk,
that is it. But I think there are fun ways to mix it
up. I think I think that like trying different flavors of beer or messing
around with wine and stuff like that. It's just a fun different path that
I'm used to. I think that's that's a difference. I like that.
I like the different paths. I like like experiencing as much as that stuff
as possible. I think you find something that agrees with you, and you
were like, I am gonna walk this fucking trail and stomp it down flat
and only stay on this trailer, right, am I wrong? I'm not
saying you're right or wrong or anything. I'm just saying this is how you
are right. Yeah. Yeah, but they've been got it. You have
to admit that there are some people who drink off the wall beers and and
and just to show hey, I'm different, I'm like in a replacement for
a personality. It's like I'm the beer guy. Yeah, I'm sure,
Yeah, I'm sure there's I think with any fandom, with any hobby,
I think there's always that like, oh I want to, but not everyone.
So a lot of people just genuinely like the thing, and I don't
think that's you. All right, all right, Oh, there's enough idiot
left in you the last lifetime. You'll be fine. I've been getting ship
for eight years for ordering a blue moon. You've got an idiot reservoir.
That's huge. They're not gonna have blue moon this bar, this is a
real bar in Kransas. They're not gonna have a blue moon. I'll have
a blue moon. Okay, that'll be four dollars. That's the key.
It was four dollars, oh instead of three fifty. No, that's fine.
That's just not stupid, like twelve dollars. I used to talking about,
like old dependings and stuff. I used to like be very in college.
I'd be like, I'm never paying there's no reason to ever pay over
twenty dollars for piece of clothing. I'm never gonna do enough for a shure.
You can get a pair of shoes for twenty dollars. I can get
a meal. A meal should never cost more than eight, maybe ten dollars.
I was so everyone with an ear shot I would never shut up about.
It's like, oh, I s sixty year old, view is twenty
year old. I still think you're kind of right. No, you were
saying, what twenty five is your your shoe limit? No, yeah,
I don't need fancy shoes with an athlete's name as hats to it athletes name.
I mean you see the tennis shoes I wear, I've been wear I've
had that pair for like ten years. Man, No, there's nothing wrong
with it. They're still fine. I put them on my feet and they
take me places and they were like thirty bucks. I'm just telling me about
a friend that is like a big sneaker head, and that seems like a
fucking hobby that I feel like, there are a lot of hobbies that you
don't approve of sneakerheads. Whatever, I pa, guys, whatever makes you
happy, go for It'll just talk mountains of ship, but just don't do
it to make it appear that you're someone that you're not or better than you
are. Sure, sure, okay, I would say that's the thing I
think both of us can lay claim too. Is that like I don't think
either of us try to be anything we're not right. Yeah. Yeah,
I think that's a direct result of my father. I really do. Yeah,
you know, because my dad worked his ass off and did pretty well
in the grocery business, and but you would never know it. I remember
he would. He'd walk around with paint splattered shirts. He always inexplicably had
paint all of himself. I remember once he was he was so uh He's
like, uh, you got this friend. I forgot what friend you're talking
was like, she never says I'm getting in the car. She says,
I'm getting in the Cadillac. I'm getting in the Cadillac. Like we know
you got a Catillac. Like he really didn't hate that. Yeah, I
mean on the rare occasion, like every ten years, my dad get a
new car and he wouldn't take it to work because he didn't want anybody to
know he was making enough money to get a new car. He would purposefully
try to make it seem like he didn't have money take the other car.
Yeah. Really, he didn't want to put on airs. Yeah, man,
I respect that a lot of that. Grandpa was amazing. He was
one of the best people I've ever known. He really was. Yeah,
he was fantas es major segue. Here, we gotta talk about angry cheese
lady. Let me go. You start telling them and I'll go. Good,
grab some wood, make a joke about penises. We gotta talk about
my penis. Oh yeah, we gotta talk about your penis. Hang on,
do you want to set up the angry cheese lady? Then we'll go
with your penis. One thing I've learned in sixty years is people love hearing
about my penis. Are you here here? I want to be here for
the penis talk? So, uh, let me you start talking about angry
cheese lady. I need to go get some wood. You're you're gonna go
get some wood. I'm gonna go get some wood. We're rolling. Are
you sure she's still awake? Oh that was funny. Oh well that was
funnier that. Okay, I smoke a sagarette off camera, some sigarette on
camera. It's legal smoke high folks. I'm yang without the yang here.
But yeah, Daniel's changed a lot, but it's mostly for the good,
and I give his I've credit for that. She she has made him quite
a bit more mature and it's it's fascinating to watch him with her because he's
the most loving, attentive husband I've ever seen. And it's not even the
honeymoon period anymore. They've been married quite a while. He's just they're they're
both genuinely, really sweet to each other. It's good, simultaneously nice and
disgusting to see. But um, I probably I didn't know. I know,
I never had that type of relationship. But that was totally me because
I was way too selfish. But this cannot turn into a therapy session anyway.
I was saying nice things about you. Oh my god. They were
all lies. You can't do that on the internet. They were all lies,
but I was saying them. Oh are you talking about the cheese lady?
Noah, I want to talk about my penis and the cheese lady.
Oh yeah, it sounds like a horrible children's book. Well it's too different
too. I just cut myself open. Come on, that was funny.
Yes, I just cut myself. What'd you do it? I grabbed some
wood and got a splinter. Oh, the Pinocchio had that problem. I'm
trying to come up with all wooden character the Pinocchio story, all right,
talking about the cheese ladies. This is not like a Dylan lyric grabbing some
wood, got a spinny, just lack oh pinocchio. Cheese lady. I
had a vendor at the at Fenway Park. Yell at me, and it
wasn't None of it was my fault. Of course. Google ahead, I'm
gonna smoke. Okay, um turns off. I'm learning now about all the
recording length of all my cameras. They're all turning off. Um, so
it went for themselves. Yeah, I guess there's maximum recording times for somebody.
Anyway, We're at Fenway and we go up to get a couple of
big hot dogs, and uh, the ladies like, I said, I
want a cup of cheese with my hot dog. And she felt the cheese
ups and said they're all cold, but I can. I can squirt some
some hot stuff on it for you. And I was like, yeah,
yeah, that sounds great, And so she squirts the hot stuff out of
the Toastito's machine onto it and then she says the dad, Okay, that'll
be eighteen dollars. Do you want to tip? And he goes no,
and she goes, really, I sprayed, I gave you free cheese because
there supposed to be three dollars, but since she did the spray, there
was no charge. And I was unaware of all that, right, right,
I gave you free cheese, and you're not gonna tip me? And
you were. You kept saying Boston people were no nonsense, like they'll,
you know, tell you what they think. And he was like, oh,
and you pull out your wallet and all you had was one hundred and
a twenty and you're like, oh, tip you. And she's like,
I can't take that. It's cashless, and so it's just a very awkward
end of that conversation. Well, first of all, and I think most
people agree with me on this. Yeah, it's not a price based thing.
It's a location based thing. You don't tip at the ballpark when you're
buying a hot dog and a soda or a beer. Um. I will
frequently do a dollar on I don't know. Usually when there's like a tip
thing, I'll usually at least a dollar, unless it's like an actual like
service thing, and then I'll always do twenty plus, you know. But
they're already screwing and it's not the work. I understand that it's not the
worker doing that. It's higher ups. Butting. I go to a lot
of like wrestling things, and I'll get a beer and it's like fourteen dollars
for beer, and it's like what the fuck? But I figured at that
point a dollar more is not gonna kill me. You know, he'll kill
me. So your penis. Tell the folks about your penis. Oh,
the tales. I could tell. What's the what's the worst day your penis
ever had? About a month ago. You're talking like Quint from Jaws.
Tw was a cloudy morning, my penis was angry. Quit talking like that
and just tell the story. It's an angry penis day of my friends.
No, I uh, I had gone to the gym. I usually go
really super early because I get up early and I'm getting really tired by the
way. Here we go, here we go. And so anyway, I
went to the gym and I left the gym, and like always when I
go there, I feel good after I'm done about myself, which is like
twice a month of currency. So I was riding a wave and I thought,
well, I'm out, it's a breakfast time. I might as well
makes money. So I flip on just greets. I don't know if for
the people who don't know you can. As a driver, you can specify
whether you're want do rides, eats, both, or none. I usually
choose none. I only drive when I'm in the mood to deal with people,
so I never drive. So I did Greets and I got this order
from Walmart and it was for two orders, and I had never picked up
from Walmart before, so I didn't quite know how it worked. Anyway,
there's a special zone you park in and then you notify them that you're there
and they bring the order out to you. Right, So I'm waiting and
I'm waiting and I don't know burp, Sorry, I don't know. I
can't burp. Do you know that about me? Weird? You're like the
opposite of Kala with that stuff. Oh my god, super up enough for
both of us. You've seen the on command thing. It's incredible, right,
so wow? Yeah, yeah, it's very impressive. Anyway, So
I'm waiting. I'm waiting, and as I'm waiting, my middle aged bladder
is barking at me, and I'm realizing that I'm gon aa to go the
bathroom pretty soon. And with me, it goes from that to red alert,
red alert pretty quickly. And my first thought was, Paul, just
going to Walmart, P get oar with and you can relax. But then
I thought, no, if I do that, the guy's gonna come out
with the stuff and it's gonna cause a huge problem. I'm gonna have to
make phone calls and text messages and everything's gonna be delayed. And I said,
I'll just write it out. I'll get these orders. I'll find a
bathroom. Right. Unfortunately, it wasn't food, like there's a time crunch,
like something doesn't get cold. It's just groceries. Sure, so the
guy finally comes out, I get taken care of. P P is up
to code level three. Okay, so the old terror alert system right,
yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, my bladder was at orange. Yeah,
this is what Ashcroft's been doing. Probably dead, winning an ashcraft Ashcraft
that did the terror alerts, as say, that's what he's done since his
retires, working under bladder alert. It's probably dead though he's in a bunker
somewhere. So anyway, and ironically, not ironically it's ron choice of words,
but amusingly, one of the orders was for an ex girlfriend, which
I thought was really funny anyway. So so my initial plan was foiled because
when I got the directions for the first one, there was no gas station,
convenience store, nothing in sight nowhere where I could use a restaurant.
So then I thought, Plan B is, Okay, dropped this on their
porch. Then I'll find a bathroom. Then I'll go to the second one.
Sure, so I dropped the first one off on the porch, I
started hitting towards the second one, bladders up to code red. I realize
I'm not gonna make it all right. And this is a frequent occurrence in
the mornings. It is because I drink at a liquids in the morning.
Sure, sure water and mountain dew. So um. I happen to be
in a pretty upscale neighborhood kind of place where you don't just whip out the
way. What what neighborhood is? Okay for whipping out the way? Yeah,
it's a good, good point. It's frowned upon in most neighborhood.
Let's just say it would be frowned upon more. Okay, got it.
The frown would be harder, more downturned, and the frown would be accompanied
by a call to nine one one. So I have to stop. I
have to go. I have to go, And so I positioned my car
in a way so that wouldn't be facing like the front of a house or
a playground full of kids. Sure. The last thing I'm gonna do is
be on a sexual offender. Last guest, Now this goes. This is
where part two of the story comes in. From my thrilling middle act,
the saga The Empire Strikes Back of Your Soca, a fallic adventure from my
days as a mailman, I learned that it's always good to have something to
pee into. Sure, yeah, sure. And as a driver, yeah,
I mean emergencies, right, So I always have like a pringle scan
or any kind of cylindrical container that you can do your stuff in. Sure
number number one of course? Yeah, something right? No? Right?
Uh? I hate a joke there, I'm gonna let that one go.
Oh um, I'd whispered too, but they'd hear that too. Okay,
I can mute it. You have you ever shitted into something? Go ahead?
Oh my god, that's why I didn't say it. Don't camera,
go on, Church, No, no, you could. We gotta get
back to that. But go on. I'm not gonna interrupt you. Good
God, I hate that. I know, That's why I do it.
Um, So I had at some point, um it was a cylindrical container,
and I think it was one of those things that contained like disinfectant wipes.
Oh yeah, yeah, like I like a chlorox and pull it out
those pull it out of the top. Yeah they're great. But I had,
you know, taken the top off it. The dispensy thing foil thing
wasn't on it, sure right, So I just had the empty canister for
this reason. So I suddenly get back in my driver's seat and I started
to do my business in this thing. You're an eight, And the second
I started just horrible burning sensation. You know, where was there any kind
of nick or Gray's happening with the whole as you went in? We had
to have been and he just but you didn't notice that at the time.
Well, I know is pain immediately, so oh but you still went through
because I had to go so bad that the second I knew it was safe
to go, okay, I started going. So it would have been simultaneous.
Okay, I see, so just this horrendous pain, like on fire
pain. So I just got out enough to where I knew I could just
I didn't obviously go the whole thing. I just did enough so I could
complete the next delivery, which if they knew what was going on, Oh
my god, health thrilled? Would you be thrilled? YEA, of course.
Yeah. So I get just a little bit pee in the thing,
and then I put the stupid thing. Tried to put it in my cupholder
and it was too wide. It wouldn't fit in the cupholder, so I
had to hold it up against the other seat with one hand to make sure
it didn't spill, because that would be nightmare part two, of course.
So I'm driving one hand. I god delivery. I rushed to the gas
station to finish the rest of the pee. I go into the thing and
I'm peeing and I see blood and it hurt like I'm a lot or it
was yet the weird thing about it, it was just the initial burst it
was blood and the rest was yurine. But it was horribly painful that area,
and it was the whole process was painful. It was bad. So
of course I turned off the driver app I'm not clear they're not gonna be
driving the rest of the day. So, by the way, I love
the irony that you at first would not even order Fuber Eats or door Dash
when it came around. Yeah, because you thought, oh, you're gonna
just hire anyone, and guy's gonna be putting his panis on my pizza.
And I'm like, meanwhile, here you are having a whole penis saga all
delivering food. Yeah, yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. Anyway, so
I go home and for the rest of the day it was the same thing.
The rest of that day, blood and pain. And then starting the
next day, Here's the funny part is when I well I didn't say this,
but when I went to the gas station, they were doing some construction
work or something, so they had one of those temporary dumpsters outside. Yeah,
I took obviously, I wanted to get the year and thing either so
bad, so I threw the whole thing in this dumpster. And I realized
later, I said, because I really wanted to know what the hell was
on that thing that cut me. Yeah, and I wanted to go rooting
through the dumpster. And I remember calling you and telling you everything, and
we imagine this, I'll eat you done. Just go ahead, imagine this
scenario where I'm rooting through the dumpster and the construction guys come up, and
I say, oh, don't mind me. I'm just looking for my special
peak up. That's all love. The idea of you showing up later to
rifle through the evidence like you're looking for like a killer. You're just trying
to find the cup that wronged your penis. Jesus Price. So you called
me with a great concern. This is probably gonna be funny at some point.
We'll probably talk about it at some point. Done a thing. But
right now, remember I remember the way I set it up for you.
I said, I hurt my dick, while I shouldn't have said that.
The company name. If you want to beep it, yeah, okay,
yeah, please do sure. Yeah, so the way this story ends,
Siri reminded me beep okay. So for like two or three days, same
thing, blood at first, and then pain, and then it was really
weird the blood went away. I was I've never been scared to pee in
my life. Well, well, on the other thing, wait what now
I'm trying to understand what wait, let alone the other thing? Everyone scared
to be Oh masturbad is that what we're oh? Oh, Okay, okay,
sorry, go going, I'm sorry. Yes, wanking the weasel.
Wanking the weasel. What you say that was off the books for a while.
Oh yeah, it's tragic. So after a day or two, Um,
it would be painful. And it was painful during the pea part and
shortly after, and then it became it only hurt after And and I looked
down there the penis and it was raw. It was it was the redness.
Yeah, yeah, it was. It was not a happy penis.
So what is the what is your assumption about exactly what happened? I think
I cut it the underside of it on a little. I think, you
know how sometimes I could give it wasn't peanut butter, but say like a
jarra pean bear. Yeah, there's just the thing. You got to feel
the foil thing, and sometimes when you peel it off, it doesn't come
off clean and there's like little shards of the plastic or whatever. The Yeah,
I'm pretty sure that's what happened. That there was a it was just
in the haste of needing to pee. No, I didn't tear it off
in it was all ready to pee into. No, but in the haste
of needing to pee. You just did not feel the nick and that's what
happened. Well, I think I felt it to me leacause I put it
in and peed instantly. All right, right, um, but I think
there was a little terror strip left on that thing from when I taken off
whenever. And I mean it was pretty clear that something like that had happened.
And eventually I did go to doctor, and I have a female doctor,
so that's fun. And uh, you know, she just kind of
agreed that what happened happened. You gave her the real story. Oh yeah,
we have a good relationship. You can talk about your peak up with
your doctor. That's good. It's important with that. Of course, she's
great. Yeah, it's almost like visiting your friend. It's Larry, really
Yeah, a friend that you checks out your penis and make sure it's okay.
That's all my friends. Oh and what I thought would happen happen.
It didn't heal for a while. I tip full three weeks. Yeah.
Yeah, I love how when I told you the scenario about I hurt my
penis while ride sharing. Yes, that you assumed I'd gotten in some sexual
thing with somebody like I'm that stupid. I've had some frantic cults of that.
But anyway, Yes, I actually told my sisters said on Easter Sunday.
Really yeah, really, that's It's wonderful. It's like the famous skid
Mark conversation on Thanksgiving dinner. We don't have to Retreadswami. That's the penis
story. It's a good penis story. Penis is okay now though, Oh
yeah, better than never. Oh yeah, he's back in the game.
Baby. He what's his name, A tiny Elvis? His name is tiny
Elvis. No, I don't know if you want to. He's a sad,
lonely old thing. He didn't get reason. He didn't have a reason
to get angry much anymore. Angry penis gets angry. We'll talk about my
theory on when sex becomes gross and weird and stupid. Sure, yeah,
you scientific theory. I've assigned a year to win an age when sex is
just just stop stop having sex? Yeah, why because it's weird and gross
and sloppy and stupid. What's the age fifty two? How many times you
had sex since the age of fifty two? My share? Your share was
a gross and weird and you should stop for them. Probably for you.
Oh, this is not the same. You don't have the air. Yeah,
yeah, it's so nice. Little. Here's the thing, it's it's
a it's a you're you're not a married man, you're not in a relationship.
I believe it's it's not just a ah the kernel, you know,
it's like it's a love thing. You just reach a point where you want
to eat a cookie and sent in a chair. That's it's fifty two.
Sorry, honey, it's been a good run. That's where it starts.
I'm gonna eat this cookie and sent in a chair. And let's be honest.
I mean, I mean attractiveness on both sides fades. Your body's subjective,
your body's change. Yeah, of course, the thought of two old
people with stretch marks and bellies, and it's the human condition. We're all
destined for it. And it's flappy stuff and this stuff, it's not a
disqualification. You don't beauty. You don't need to be flapping that shit around.
Just stop. It should have sent a poet, you had, you
had a good thirty year run. Just live off that. Stop having Would
you make it illegal to have sex over fifty two? I'd love to see
President Paul, what would have if you ran so twenty twenty four? What
are the key things you're running on? Well, I mean not serious shit
like Paul stuff. No more helmets and dugouts after you hit a home run.
That's a big one for me. Okay, that's an important one.
Is that. That's number one. It's not even helmets, it's stupid comic
book bullshit. That's number one. No, okay, I mean you give
me time and I'll come up the list of hundred things. Sure. Sure.
What's what's illegal in your your first year illegal? What's what is newly
illegal in your first year in office? Uh? Ear gauges? Why,
there's just no reason for it illegal? What's what's the descentans? Uh?
You have your ears chopped off? Have your ears chopped off? If you
have a gauge? Yeah, well I had a line there my next Oh
god, huh, all right, so that's illegal. Whatever I've learned from
Mark Marin about being a boomer, a woke boomer, he nailed. He
nailed being a woke Nothing sounds older than saying I'm a woke boomer. He
nailed what it's like to be our age and to be a fairly liberal person.
Sure, you know you're eighty He just what he did was he described
himself as being eighty five percent woke. Sure, and the other fifteen percent
maybe just don't say that stuff. Sure, It never really hit me because
that's kind of how I feel about myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
But ear gages fair game. What's the point of that. It looks what's
the point of anything. It looks insane. It fucks your ear up.
People are gonna make judgments on you about it. You're not gonna get a
goddamn job. You were talking like you were running a grocery store. You're
not going to get a job if you have an ear gage. Maybe a
hot topic or something, Oh my god, go that way about tattoos.
No, okay, two is a fair game ear gages, in fact,
they're gonna get a job in fact, on on never mind that was fifteen
percent. I keep to myself, I know a lot of people with ear
gages that have very good jobs. Oh, there's you know many people the
video game it this rev ear gages to say, not in the real world.
You don't. You don't think there are people in the real world that
have ear gages and good jobs. More than no one makes more than twenty
bucks an hour if they have an ear gage. Maybe in like a high
end Boston or New York coffee shop. All right, So if you're in
a Boston or New York coffee shop, because I see and I think,
yeah, I think they get a cut of that. Yeah, it comes
down, Sit down. Tips would be high. Oh the tips. Okay,
it comes down. And tell the folks about your cool new thing.
You say, wow, looks the guy, it's a good moon. What
are the odds to be not drunkenly tripping over these wires? That's what I
tell you to go around this, wires and steps. This is a drunk
middle age guys, fire and fire, steps, wires and fire. That's
right. Tell the folks about your cooler thing. You say, well,
it's all tongue in cheek. It's still he keeps it's maybe tongue in cheek
origins. But you do keep doing it all year around you and I do
it just because I know i'd get the reactions I did the same reason you
do. All the ship to me, all right, tell them um.
Spoiler alert can assume most people have seen breaking bad. Well, yes,
but also this is not a spoiler. It's not a plot thing. No.
There's a character named Skinny Pete in Breaking Bad and they're the young,
you know, street drug pedaling guys. So they're hipped to the street,
just like Hug You Bear. Jesus, you keep aging with everything you say
you do. Hug You Bear was starting yes, yeah, okay, yeah,
he was the coolest guy around him. Sure, yeah, that man
new the street. Okay, go on. So Skinny Pete was the Huggy
Bear of twenty thirteen, right, sure. So when I was rewatching Breaking
Back for the fifth time, which is amazing that I've done that, because
if you know me, which you clearly don't, they knew all the hip
new phrases. So written by Vince Gilligan, it's like a fifty something wild
dude. So whenever anyone would say something that Skinny Pete agreed with, and
part of it was the body language too. The folks can see you where
which camera hit him over here, like tell us it's just say it's a
really nice night. It's really nice night to night church. That's my thing.
And so the last time I was watching that, I thought Dan will
hate this. I put it in my boomer pocket, and I've been saying
it a lot on this trip, and he's hated it a lot every time.
So mission accomplished. Everybody nice. Yes, I want to go back
to this ear gage thing because I think it's hilarious that you think nobody can
get a job if they have that. What else? What else is in
that category? Not in the real world? What is the real world?
Video game industry is not a real world. It's a very weird I get
it, okay, But you don't think somebody could get a grocery store a
post office. You don't think anyone can get a job at a grocery store
with ear gauges. They'd give menium wage job. You don't think they can
move up and becoming. You don't use any managers. I've had managers at
movie theaters that have ear gauges in Kansas, the any any job that the
God, I'm gonna get so much hate mail for this hate mail. I
know I'm old job. You're really good at grabbing a shovel when you're already
in a hole. Any industry that's geared towards a younger employee base, that's
gonna happen, like movie theaters, generally or younger. Okay, you don't
think there's insurance agents that have ear gage? Oh you don't think there are
any insurance challenge find me one. You don't think there are any insurance agentes
that have ear gages? I doubt it. Oh boy, Okay about car
salesman? Do they count? No? Because those guys are kind of renegades?
Rid Okay, Um, what are what are real job? What count
is real jobs? And post office grocery stores? You never saw anyone of
the post office at the ear gages? Minimum wage? Okay, nobody in
positions management or anything. Okay, extremely exists because that was the thing that
started like becoming a thing like find me one, just find me want to
get back with me? Folks, If anyone wants to link in the contents,
I'll hit you with my digits and you can. You can let me
know about this. What else is in the category of like ear gages?
That's like an instant DQ illegal never gonna get a job? Oh well this
might this one might get me kills. Oh good, I'll whisper it and
you tell me thanks, say it. Go for it, go for it,
any go for it. You keep broadcasting where I live. This is
not good the place you've said a million times. Anyway, he did say
it. It's not that bad any tattoo above the collar bone. I got
a friend with a tattoo, big fucking tattoo on his neck, and uh,
he makes millions of dollars a year legally, legally. Yo, Yeah,
I have no problem tattoos. I think tattoos are great. I think
they're gonna regret it in like forty years. But why because they'd look weird
after. Have you ever see the old like World War two guys they had
they My father in law has one, and it's looking awesome. It's like
a little like but as your skin gets hold and it gets all crankly and
all these sexy little you know, corns and rainbows and dolphins and stuff are
gonna look really stupid old like sailor like mom, tattoos are cool or like
not when you're seventy. My father in law of seventy something and his tattoos
cool. Well, he had a good artist. Then, Okay, so
tattoos about the collarbone. You're not gonna be cornering me into a corner with
your own opinions, with all these things that everybody's gonna hate me for they're
your actual opinions, not this gotcha journalism here on the deck. I'm just
a crabby old man. I know. I just I've always I don't know
I admired the word, but I've always been fascinated by your confidence with some
of these opinions. Namely, we talked about it on the new one that
I'm fascinated with, and we talked about a bit on a stream we just
did. Is your opinion? Sighing at your own opinions, you said,
with the utmost, it just a conviction. Soccer is not a sport.
It's an activity. And there was a follow up tonight on the stream that
I loved. I asked you what boxing was and if boxing was a sport,
and you thought about it and you said, no, boxing isn't a
sport. Boxing is a challenge, which is such a weird way to put
that well, And I threw something in after that is anything is one on
one thing cannot be a sport because there's no one on one sports. Fencing
is not a sport. No, it's a skill. Ping pong, that's
a skill. Okay, okay, So name the sports. There's three that
I officially in my brain gets the stamp baseball, basketball football, baseball basketball
football. Okay, hockey is hockey a sport? Hockey's borderline? Hockey is
a borderline sport. Okay, Tennis, no, one on one. There's
also doubles tennis. But is double's tennis a sport? No, it's the
same, It's a variation of the same activity. So tennis is an activity.
Yeah what and it takes tremendous talent to do it? Sure? Sure,
I'm not discounting that. Sure, Okay, Um, what are the
parameters for sport? We've been through this, but not on this. Oh
that's a different stupid thing. See how can I bury myself? No on
this one, your actual opinions, I would know. I just want to
talk it through. What is what makes a sport? Plenty of offense?
Define offense, points points on the board? Okay, right, okay?
Where soccer is like the ultimate example of and and and related to that,
you cannot have something in in a tie. And although I accept football as
being a sport in the regular season, they do have ties, which I've
always thought was stupid. But football is a sport absolutely Okay, But they
should change that there should never be a tie in front. Okay, but
so all right, so we gotta okay, there's enough offense. There's enough
offense in baseball for it to be a sport. Yeah, yeah, okay,
but not soccer and not hockey hockeys borderline, What about tennis? There's
lots of Does tennis not have offense? Yeah, but they call it love
instead of zero. It's not offense because they call it a different thing.
That's just stupid. Well, sober I don't see tennis being disqualified here.
Let's get back to the other thing. What else does sports? What else
is a sport clock? The clock has to move forward if there's a clock.
Wait, so does there have to be a clock? Uh? There
didn't use to have to be in baseball, and now there kind of is.
And there is clocks in football. There is clocks in basketball with the
caveat. Baseball has a clock now, but it's it's timing individual instances.
The overall length of the game has no time, got it, Okay,
whereas football does and it's a wacky clock. Yeah. Now soccer has double
trouble in this in this regard because the clock goes backwards. That's one factor
loan soccer, you let yourself getting the hit with the ball. It's really
dumb. And you can't use your hands. That's a big one too,
because you can't use your hands in baseball football. So the ones that are
officially sports, it's got to be small basketball, football you can use your
hands, and there has to be a ball and there well, okay,
football is a ball. Okay, Well, soccer has a ball. Tennis
has a ball, right, So I'm still not saying that is qualified for
the other reasons. Tennis is disqualified because it's one on one. It's one.
What about double tennis? I'm still not seeing way double tennis it doesn't
count because the core route of the game is the one on one. Is
just an extension of that. It's the same stupid thing. Just work with
me here, I know. I am trying to just piece of the logic
together here, Okay, Um, other parameters for sport, there's several of
the time clock, the offense, what was the other the ball? There
was something else. Oh, it has to be a team thing. You
ask me more than one on one? Okay, why? Because that's one
of the things that makes the sport of support. Who decided that me.
Okay, we've got there. Okay, okay, trying to think other you
said, you know, darts aren't a sport. Pool. Darts is definitely
an activity. So pool is one on one. So pool isn't a sport
to you has lots of balls and you love pool. I love pool,
I used to. Okay, all right, so there's three sports. And
remember anything you're drinking at, anything you can drink at and it's not a
problem while you're doing it is not a sport. Okay, So that disqualifies
pool, Bowling, dark, anything you could do in a bar is not
a sport. Okay. I mean there's Papa Shop, but that's not traditional
basketball, right, got it? Okay, that's maybe one on one,
that's one on zero. That's true. Let's see you against yourself, Okay.
I think tennis is the biggest one where I think you're stretching. I
have a ton of respect. Also, soccer, which is objectively the biggest
sport on the planet. Do you do you at least concede to reality that
soccer is immensely more popular than baseball everywhere, but here it's probably getting closer.
Okay, do you think in ten years soccer will be more popular than
baseball. What are the what's the criteria viewers? I don't know. I
don't pay attention to that. To a viewer, how many viewers? Something
else? What do you consider to be the barometer for popularity? I don't
know how intrenched it is in the American moral fiber. I'll tell you I
got a lot more people I know that look, and I'm not. I
don't want to be soccer defender here. I don't give it. I've watched
like two soccer games in my life. I've been bored out of my mind
both times. I'm just trying to figure out the logic here. Like,
I know a ton of people that are really into soccer. I know like
three people that are really into baseball. Well that's a that's a generational thing.
Well, don't you think that's baseball is not popular with younger people.
Don't you think that's troubling for its its future? Oh? Absolutely? Okay,
So you can you see a world the future baseball is kind of not
a big thing in America. I can't see a time where it will not
exist, but sure, it's popularity has been waning for a long time.
Do you see a time when baseball is not as commonly on TV and stuff
it is as it is now, and soccer is a big thing on TV
in America. Nobody's gonna watch TV on watch soccer on TV. No one's
gonna watch soccer, and people will because it's an event. Have you seen
the ratings for the World Cup and stuff. Yeah, but that's that's like,
that's like your mom and the Chiefs. She doesn't give a shit about
the Chiefs. Do you know soccer fans? Huh? Do you know soccer
fans? I knew one. What makes you think it's like a fake fandom?
People I know that are into soccer are extremely fucking into soccer. Don't
do that. Yeah, well you just did. You just said that you
thought it was like a fake fandom. It's more of an event to go
to. What does that mean? It means they're not actively interested in the
sport itself. It's an event to be at. So people going to soccer
games aren't into the sport. A lot of them are, but not everybody
in the stadium. Here's my biggest question, what are you basing any of
the song? My life's experienced? The reason? What I base anything on?
M I could be wrong. It's possible, it is possible. It
reminds me that line from the Eagles song I could be wrong, but I'm
not. I've got to go ahead and say you're wrong on this one.
But to each their own, it's fine. Don't marter. I'll be dead
in twenty years. The man, what's eighty year old? Look like me?
Yeah? Oh, squeeze something. I'm gonna share this depressing thought I
had a couple of weeks ago. I don't know. I think I told
you okay, oh yeah. This one hit me because I've been turning sixties
the first birthday. It's ever bothered me anyway, but I thought of this
recently. There's a young player in the Royals named Bobby Witt Junior. Remember
league site about he's phenomenal talent, but he's like twenty one, twenty two
years old, and I was like, man, this kid does well and
stays healthy, he could make the Hall of Fame. And it hit me,
Oh shit, he makes the Hall of Fame, I probably won't be
here to see it. And that really hit me hard. I thought,
like that has never hit me before. Yeah, it's it's sobering, definitely.
I mean that stuff only happens like more and more as you get old.
Like I know, I'm just try at forty, but like I'm starting
to have that stuff where it's just like oh fuck, like that one slapped
me across the face. Yeah it's true. Yeah, I remember mine was
that. I remember like being a wrestling fan, like in the nineties.
I remember watching like this guy Edge come up and he was he was this
young hot talent that like, you know, I was like, oh man,
this kid's gonna be major potential here. And I just remember being an
old enough fan to like, oh man, I'm very excited about this like
new prospect, you know. And I've seen his entire career. I've seen
him get forced into retirement. I've seen him kind of come back, and
now he's you know, talking about like, yeah, I've probably got maybe
another year, another two that i can compete at this level or whatever.
And to think of, like, oh, I'm old enough to have like
remembered when he was this like twenty something, you know, newcomer and seeing
this whole thing and like then he's gonna have to retire Like oh Man's like
that makes me feel old, you know. Yeah, Well there's there was
an evolution for me in terms of baseball. I first started noticing when baseball
players were getting younger in me. I was like whoa, And then managers
started getting younger in me. Now there are a few owners younger than me.
Yeah, it's like, oh, man, I remember you back when
the first players were getting younger than you telling me about it. And I
never felt it until you know, Xavier Woods when I started to hang out
with him, and then I realized that, like, oh shit, he's
like two or three years younger than me, and I was like, oh
god, damn. I kind of hate when things are just kind of taken
off the table where it's like I hate ever hearing that I can't do something,
where it's like even if right now, if I dropped everything and dedicated
my entire life like just got personal trainers, did all this, like for
some reason, if I decided I wanted to become an NBA player, yeah,
and I dedicated my entire life to it, there's no chance in hell
that's a possibility. Like, I just hate the idea of like just seeing
all the possibilities for your life because I was always someone that thought like,
you can do anything, just work hard and you can be anything and just
seeing like scratch that off, scratch that off. It's mostly like physical stuff,
but you know it's like, right, it's frustrating to me. Oh
and that snowballs after a while. Oh, I'm sure. My my friend's
mom has a I showed you as a picture of me when I was little,
like eight or nine. Yeah, and it's really sweet. It's because
she thinks highly mean same. I feel the same way for her. But
there's a picture me and tucked in her little cupboard in her kitchen, and
she sent me a picture of it the other day and I said, yeah,
back when I had hopes and dreams. And this is not an original
thought, but I think I thought it was at the time. Maybe it's
not. But you know, some people have a when you get older.
Instead of a bucket list, you have a fucket list. It's it's the
list of things that you know aren't gonna have you're just written off. Yeah,
well, it's kind of what you were talking about. Here. Here's
a fun one. H is getting married on your fucket list? Oh?
No, I was it on your fucking list of things that aren't going to
happen? Getting married again? Yeah? Of course. Okay, I don't
see myself ever going on date again. Sure, sure, I've heard you
at times like what I assumed was joking like, oh, here's your next
step mom, I know what you mean. Yeah, I know. So
I didn't know if that was any part of that, Like, is there
any chance you're ever married again? Honestly, I don't see myself ever dating
again any desire at all? Oh no, is there any scenario which,
uh, there's there's a scenario, but it's never gonna happen. Sure,
sure you know somebody who's extremes. Oh you're you're whole theory on Jenniger Sean
of course, Well that, but that's a whole different thing. Wouldn't get
in there. He has aspirations of dating Sean can Gina, if you're watching,
we can get into that. If you want to feel free. I
think it's a great thing. Yeah, go into it. I think in
case Gina's watching, yes, Uh no, The thing was where was I
going with this? Oh? Any scenario where you see that happening? He's
what you said or something like that, and in which you'd get married,
is it? Yeah? I mean, if if it's like the old George
Costanza thing where he found that woman who who physically he was reading her profile
or something and said, physical attractive and it's not important, wouldn't it versa
to me? It might have been. I don't remember exactly, but if
you like stock, if I get somebody that I was incredibly attracted to and
was was really smart and really funny and who didn't give a shit that I'm
rapidly aging in not a ideal weight and losing my hair and all the shit
that happens when you get older, because she's like me, because whatever reason,
she's like baseball cards. What was the old joke? Oh it was
Carlin said he was looking for a a nymphomaniac coke dealer who owned a car
dealership. That's what he was looking for, very specific. Yeah, yeah,
oh no, And I'm totally okay with that. I had, you
know, I had her. I had a run and I had my shot,
and I'm horrible relationships. I realized that now. Sure I'm not happy
at him, I'm not good at him. Oh, I can't see current
you. There's no one who someone who just traveled with you for a couple
of days. I cannot imagine you living with someone ever again. Oh No,
I'm way too and entrenched in my ways now. I mean I always
was, but I was. I would try before, Sure, but I
won't even try now. Yeah. And anything that makes me get out of
my habits or my routine, anybody making it of my house, anybody makes
me get out of my routine or not anybody, but anything, I kick
at it like a mule. Oh I've noticed. Yeah, yes, Um,
can we talk about something that doesn't make me look like an asshole?
I would stop. I'm not calling an asshole. Pick of your brain?
I am. You're calling you an asshole. I don't think I'm an asshole.
I think I'm opinionated and stubborn. Sure, fair, Yeah, what
do you want to talk about? I've talked about anything with you. Sure.
I love talking to you. I'm talking to you. It's great.
You're an interesting guy. Dude, What do you wanna do? You want
to wrap up this part here and I'll bring the cameras in and we gon
just hang out. No, no, you want to keep a coca.
It's like we're trying to wind down. I really have a chance to talk
like this, Sure, And you know what's this happens to me. It's
happened to me recently. But um, you know, I've got a couple
of friends that I've dinner with. You know, it used to be every
couple of months. Bits with COVID and everything, it's been whacked. But
um, church, Um, I find that I'm so seldom seldom lea is
that a word? So seldom ly yeah, around people that when I am
there's so many things that I realize I haven't talked about in a while.
Oh did I tend to? I feel I feel like I talk way too
much and dominate conversation. And I've gone out to dinner. You know,
these friends, I've gone out to dinner with them and texted them afterwards and
said, hey, I'm really sorry if I talked way too much. But
I went out to birthday dinner with my daughter last Saturday night, and I
had that same sensation because it was really fun, it was really nice,
but I felt like I was just you seem very up in your own head
about what people like you. You you were telling me on this trip,
but like your greatest fear is looking stupid, and like I think you get
very up in your own head about like, oh god, did I do
this too much? Did I do that too much? I think you're just
doesn't anything to do with being stud feeling stupid. No, I'm just saying
I think you are up in your head about how other people view you.
You don't even really care how other people view me anymore. Yeah, well,
I mean even just the way you were saying about like, oh,
what's I talking too much? I doing this? Like, yeah, I
think you're I think you do that a lot. Yeah, I think that's
changed a lot, because there was a time when there's no way I would
go like the grocery store of the post office and my slippers and my hair
and my hair all fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, I just don't care,
I know anymore, because you know, when you're younger, you never
know when you're gonna meet somebody you know or strike up a conversation. Sure,
and when you're young and you have dreams, you think, God,
you never know, you might meet some money in a park bench or something,
and well it's not always like I'm meeting somebody thing you know, or
you just to him about it, like pride and the parents, or worry
about what people think of you or what do you and if you met somebody
you're interested in. You want to look your best. But well, but
what do you think about like what somebody's married? Like do you think like
like, do you think people shed that when they get married because you don't
want to have them You're talking about meeting someone you know like to a degree?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think people just like, let's
just give up on other things when they get married or well, I mean
that's how you always view a marriage, was that you have to give up
all the things you love and and that wasn't necessarily the way everybody did it.
That's why I did it. But I mean, your attitude's about a
lot of things change as your age in general, whether you're married or not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, this has been funny so far. I
don't think I tagged them as comedy. It's gonna be a chat. Can
I fart on camera? Please give it a good fart? I have one
bruin. Yeah, here, I'm gonna go pee you fart? I got
pe two. That's gonna look weird. Well no, no, you you
just sit here in firt now. Let me for the record state yeah that
can you hear me? Um? Yeah, keep talking, Dan super weird
about. And he's a homeowner now, which I will respect that he likes
his place to be nice, and it is nice. But just last night
or the night before, I'm brought up the idea of maybe peeing in the
yard instead of going all the way in the house. And I said,
go for it. You all not at first? What did I say?
You had the married chip in your brain kicked in at first, so said
did I say, no, said it's night. No. You eventually said
yes, but your your first instinct was to hesitate, and you know that's
true. I thought about it for a second. I said, go for
it. Oh that was so kind of you have anything to do it,
because you would never done that if you weren't married. But I was also
fucking twenty nine. I've seen you pee off of my deck. How old
was I like, thirty two? No, that's not true, No,
twenty eights. It was your ten year reunion, right, Like I said,
I've been married since I was thirty twenty eight. It's not sixteen.
I don't know. I was still a very much a draging dumbass at twenty
eight. Absolutely, yeah, eventually you you kicked in and you were like,
yeah, of course, like most guys would say, kiss right here
if you want to. It's not getting married to change that. It's like
if I was single and had a house, I would probably still think for
a second about it, is it okay for him to be there? Would
if you'd stayed single about a house, Yeah, you wouldn't I just say
pee all over it? You would have just see it, just thisiss all
over my living room. You would have been way different. Okay. Look,
I love this idea that any change that's happened with me has happened because
I got married most of them, and most of are good. Oh I
don't think I'm a much better verson I got married, but like you also
think that, like, oh you you you would have been cool and just
before you married, chipping in a married chipper. I hear that so much.
I've never once done this with my arm. Okay, but you did
several times today, say the married chip in your brain made you do this?
Did you note? Am I making that out? You've changed a lot,
and yes, ninety five percent of it is for the better. Okay,
but you again, like the toilet's seats, it's a you know,
Oh, I'm so right about that. For those nut in the know.
The short version is, apparently I picked up a habit since I got married.
Whereafter I pee, I put the toilet seat down, both of them,
Okay, the top lid and the horseshoe lid. And uh, never
realized I did that. It's never a thing Bianca and I ever talked about,
ever did it before? Right? Right? No, I believe that
I believe that I probably picked it up. I probably picked it up when
I lived at Bianca in a place with one toilet, had a consideration for
her, and had a consideration that, like, hey, she has to
sit down on this, I'm gonna always make sure it's put down. And
I respect that that is where it came from. I respect that I do
do clear on me about it. I do on your own turf. Wait
what I do in your own house? Oh okay, okay, on your
own turch when I'm at your place. Yes, and you when your nonfunctioning
toilet when you come home without her, uh huh. And it's just me
and you, and I really nicely asked you, like you have things you'd
like to be done here, and you not throwing cigarettes in my yard.
And I'm a bitch about it, but I abide by it because it is
your place. Yes, And you come home and I really nicely ask you,
hey, leave the lit up, yeah and shut up okay, and
you don't do it. You do it every time and I call you on
it every time and your ant russ, I don't even think about it.
Well, I want you to think about it. If I keep over here,
okay, I'm getting fired up. Now here we go. It's a
saga. If I came over here and just blatantly throw cigarette butts in your
yard and you called me on it, which you should, okay, and
I just said, I don't even think about it. Would that would that?
Would that work for you? I don't think it's the same thing.
It's complete. It's the rules you ask for your guests to abide by,
and they either do it or they don't. I think throwing cigarettes in the
yard is more rageous than putting a toilet seat down. It's what said.
I will say. You have asked me to leave the toilet seat up,
and I have forgotten a thousand times, and I own up to that,
and I'm sorry. If that's the are you like your toilet, I apologize.
But if I threw cigarettes in yard and you and I said, I
don't even think about it. Would you have taken it as an answer,
No, because I did. I just I think we might differ on this
opinion. I think it's a very different situation. I don't. It's the
wishes of the homeowner. When you're a guest in someone's home, it's very
kind of them to let you in their home. The least you can do
is treat things the way they want them treated. And I have not intentionally,
I know, put the toilet seat down. I don't think you're doing
it to bug me. No, absolutely, I honestly don't. Yeah,
but if you don't think about it, maybe think about it. I will
try. It's genuinely something I never thought about outside of you. Bug never
told me to put the toilet seat down. No one's ever talked about how
I leave a toilet seat. I just it's not I've never thought in that
way, and it's hard. So if I if I have forgotten, many
times, I have apologize. I can remember a time when it was I
was fortunate. If you remember to get the urine in the toilet again.
Mid twenties. Mid twenties, there stockbrokers that are in mid twenties with gage
years. Jesus Christ, I've thought, I've actually thought about, when I
know you're coming home and staying with me, to put a note on there,
please leave the toilet up. Honestly, if it bothers you that much,
if you do that, it will work. That will work. So
if we want to compromise there, it's not that hard to think. If
you just want to have a backup. Okay, I have the perfect illustration
of why I'm right. Okay, when I'm here, I never, ever,
ever, ever, ever put both lids down after I pee. What
do you mean when I when anywhere else? Well, that you should if
I would request that you do, But anyway, go on, But it's
no, no, no, I'm doing exactly what you want when I'm here.
Is point? What do you mean? Oh, for God's sake,
No, no, I'm saying it would be nice if you put the toilet
seat. Now when you missed the point, shut up and listen to me.
Okay, I never pee and then shut the toilet lids ever. But
when I'm here, have you noticed when I've been here that I've never left
them up? You have? You definitely have no I had this one was
up today. I didn't say anything because it's not a big deal. But
I've paid like sixty times since I've been here. Okay, so I may
missed one and I apologize from that, okay, But like ninety nine percent
of the time, apparently, sure, I am doing it the way you
want it. I think about it, okay, because I know it's your
house. Well, no, here's the thing. You have anything in your
head that this is the way. It's not a way I've ever thought about.
I've never told you what to do with my toilet lids while you're here,
because it's just not a big deal. But I think if I left
them up, i'd hear about it. You left it up today, and
you didn't hear about it until now when you claimed you never leave it up.
I didn't say anything of you. I just like dad's here, it's
gonna happen, But it is. It is a conscious thing with me,
okay. And I slept once apparently, okay, But most of the time
I am thinking about it, and I'm a guest in your home and I'm
doing it the way you want. Why can't Also, it's that's the thing
it's the way you want it. It's like I've literally never said anything about
like do it this way or don't do it this way? No, because
I know how you want it. Because I know how you do it.
You have thought about this a billion times more than me or Bianca ever had.
Oh it makes me nuts when you're home. That's one of eighty.
The other one is findling your balls for hours on end and then finding and
then grabbed shredded tree shredded cheese out of my cheese bag with your bare fucking
Fondling applies to sexualness to it. Your hands are dad your pants, and
when I'm just sitting out with your dumb ass, I even and then you
go grab cheese with your bare hands. When does that add happened? Name
the last time that's happened. Well, it hasn't, because I hide the
cheese. I'm gonna go make a drink. I'm gonna go grab another log.
Do you want you want to wrap up the recording part and we'll out
here. I want to keep recording. I got more stuff to be all
right, do you want to? I got the can drinks here. If
you want win, you need to ask your wife. Pee out here.
Yeah, just pe hi everyone. I hope you're enjoying the show. Uh
yeah, you're not in a child, I have joined the show. Uh
huh, that's right. It's a good moon. A good moon up there,
dad. I got ice and whiskey out here. Yeah, what do
you want? You like that? Mellow yellow sunshine bullshit? Mellow yellow sunshine
bullshit? I have those canned cocktail things. What are you talking about?
Oh, storry, storry, Okay, I'll go grab you one. Thank
you. Are you gonna stir with your finger? Is that fine? You're
a tongue all right here. You gotta come and take the seat so you
can entertain the folks while I'm grabbing your mellow yellow bullshit. Time to offer
clarifications on everything that's been said about me. Feel free, free mind has
been an old dentist Larry Song, I'm a boy. Just uh, what's
a disclaimer? Is the word I'm looking for? I could be wrong about
something like the opinions I've expressed on this broadcast. The opinions I've expressed have
nothing to do with the owner of this toilet lids shutting property. Wasn't his
fault? These always turned into these things don't they what. I's just complaining
about each other. It's kind of talk. It's just joking with each other
and yelling at each other. It's all comes from a good place. It
does, it does. This is the relationship. It's always like when Rickles
was given Paul Schaeffer a hard time, Shaeffer said, but but it comes
from love, and he goes, no, it doesn't. I'll be honest,
I never liked you. How long are you be gone? I'm grabbing
fixing the go hug the dogs or something. Yeah, I gotta go hug
the dogs. Jesus Christ, I'm grabbing more logs. By the way,
Dan's dogs are idiots. We were watching the Kentucky Derby earlier and they were
doing the pre race stuff where the horses were walking out, and one of
his idiot dogs just went crazy and went rapped the TV and was barking at
their horses like he thought they were in the house or something. They're not
really smart, but I will admit they're extremely cute. I don't know if
any of you have ever seen his dogs, but they are kind of adorable.
But they're paying the ass any who. I can't entertain you folks,
at home by myself without Dan to playoff of anyway. In all seriousness,
it's been a great four days with Dan. He was kind enough to have
me up here on a milestone birthday. That thing just did think. Yeah,
the screen went off and then started keeping goods out battery. No,
you're good, Yeah, you're good. Who were you talking to earlier day
about how I didn't wind up my phone? Oh it was a cameo.
Yeah, that didn't work because you have an old guy phone ironically, Yeah,
speaking of that, we'll get a plug in here. Dan and I
are both available for cameos. Mine are a lot cheaper and a lot less
loud if you like it and yelled at and being paid. If you like
paying somebody to get you to yell at you, cameo Dane. If you
want to get really shitty of life advice from an old guy, cameo me,
and I'm a lot cheaper. I don't know how much you charges,
but I think mine is fifteen bucks or ten or something like that. But
I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I have any cameo requests at all, but
I do appreciate the ones I get. I don't have that that much good
advice to offer. I actually had one tonight where someone was celebrating their seventh
wedding anniversary and they wanted advice from me on relationships. Seems bad idea.
It'll conceit. You put way to me. Logs in here for how long
we're gonna be out of here? I didn't know we had a limit.
I could do this for another two hours. Yeah. Can the folks at
home know that we did another folks at home thing? Yeah? It was
a twitch thing. They can't really watch it now it's not live. Here's
your thing? Don't the archive those for sixty days? I enjoyed that hell
out of that. Well, that's the thing that drives me nuts. There
are so many things I know you would love and that you can do easily,
and I know you won't do like you could do anytime you went to
any night and there's no It's like Uber. You know you can just Uber
whenever you went to and I don't. Yeah, yeah, I could exactly.
I could set you up with your laptops where you open up a thing,
you hit go live, and you're just like, ask me questions.
I have no doubts it could happen. I just don't think that there would
be enough people interested. I mean, you literally had over four hundred people
watching you tonight because of you. Well, but they're also saying when when
we brought this up, there were all those people saying like, no,
no, Paul, we're here for you. We would watch you, we
would follow you, like I guarantee you would, like Kayla didn't have an
audience beforehand, and like you know, she has a great twitch audience.
She's very talented. Like you would you would do fine, you would do
absolutely fine, I guarantee, and I would help. I would push you.
Could we do a telelink thing where you're involved in some of them?
Telelink? Is it telelink? Hook up the satellites? What happened the TV?
That's a big question. I'm serious, get specifically, what are you
asking? Comes so splintered? Yeah, it's bad, it's streaming happened.
It's people got tired of spending one hundred and twenty dollars a month. But
is it better now? There was a time when it was good where it
was like the Netflix and Hulu and maybe the early days like the Amazon stuff,
and it was easy enough to where it was another option. Yeah,
Like I haven't paid for cable since two thousand and nine twenty ten, right,
And there was a time when that was just totally fine. You know,
you can see everything you want to see, like I'd see SNL or
whatever you know on Hulu the day after, you know, like it.
You can get all this stuff you want to get. Now, everything went
so hard into that that everyone had to get their piece of the pie.
And now you got your paramount pluses and you got your peacocks, and you've
got all these different funding Roku and TB and fucking a million things that no
one subscribes to, and there's so many things that they're trying to gobble up
exclusive shows where it's like, oh, you can only watch this show on
Peacock, and so now you can't just watch everything. You got to pick
and choose, like, okay, these things are important to me, so
I have to subscribe to streaming service ABC and D. You know, it's
just it's worse than I don't know if it's cable was way too fucking expensive,
but at least you've got it all in one place, right, you
know. I have two great examples, like a year ago when that Beatles
documentary came out. I want to see so bad. It's on Disney Plus,
yeah, which I am not. I don't have Cloud on either yet.
And I've got I've got Direct TV, I've got Hulu, I've got
Netflix. You'd think you've got pretty much all of it through me. Yeah,
except direct to the I don't see you paying that bill. No,
But you know, something like the Beatles thing or the Reggie and documentary or
come up and it's on splinter vision or whatever. I don't love splinter Vision.
I'm like, I can't get enough. And I don't even know if
I have splinter Vision. I don't think you do, And so I don't
get to see that ship. I know. No, It's that's the thing.
I if you would have talked to me five ten years ago about the
streaming future and all that stuff, it would have been like, yeah,
this is the way the future. It's so much better than cable. Now,
it's just it's gotten fucked. So I saw on the news the Netflix
is um which I can't believe they hadn't none right, but they're doing away
with the mail order, Like, oh yeah, that's when I was a
mail here. There's a lot of those. Yeah, that's crazy, that's
very antiquated. Now I'll give you another example of Dan being an idiot.
Wait a minute, I need whiskey and ice. Are you good for another
hour? But i'd soapen a beer. Do you have a thing to get
this out with? Just poured in? Pour one indie or just grab the
ice. I don't give a shit. Grab grab the ice? You know?
Yes, you're I'm yeah, you're weirdo about that? I'm fine?
Were you eating cheese earlier? I was mainly describing my balls. I skipped
cheese. You should just grab the cheese with your balls. There's no opposable
thumbs on my balls. It's a sentence I've never thought right to hear.
Okay, why am I an eddiot? Well? You get three hours?
Only got so much better on these campus. How much film? Are you
gott film? Can I tell about my first bachelor party? Sure? You
know where I'm going? Oh yeah, That's something makes me sound really old.
Is when I get married the first time in nineteen eighty three, which
was forty years ago. Next month, hit a bachelor party with all my
eighteen year old friends. Jesus, that sounds so stupid. Um my best,
my best man. We got a porno film. It was unreal to
real tape. They had to rent a machine and a real to real thing.
That sounds ancient. It does. Well. You met Bob Hope.
I've had a conversation with Bob that's crazy. That does make me feel very
old. And Carl Reiner, it doesn't even sound possible. You were there.
I know, you know, I know. So where was it we're
talking about me? I'm an idiot about something. Oh I lost it?
Damn it. Well, it shouldn't take long to think of something. Um
speak of me, be an idiot. Here's the thing that I realized and
thought about. And I don't have a good answer for why is it that
you? Because you brought up several times on this trip that your biggest fear
in life is looking stupid. Right. You've talked about like we uh,
we had to ask people to move because they were sitting in our seats at
Fenway and you had a fucking like forty minute meltdown. Uh. You've talked
about your greatest fear in life is like your car breaking down at a at
a red light and you're you're holding up traffic, Like your greatest fear is
looking stupid. I honestly, yeah, it's it's it triggers something in me,
a reaction that I don't get any other way in life. I it's
it's I freak the hell out well, and that's not is there a through
line? Is there a connection at all? In you are terrified of it
and avoid it at all costs, And I kind of run towards it.
I kind of like invite, like I it's it's not all fake or anything
like that, but I run into it, you know, not always what's
not always Jose Peppers oh the dance? Yeah? Oh yeah, yeah,
no, no, I'm an don't get me wrong, but like I definitely
push further into it. And I like anytime I have a stupid thought,
I like make a point like here here, this happens all the time with
like me and bog where h oh. Like for instance, for instance,
today we're watching the Kentucky Derby. Oh I remember it was, but go
ahead? Yeah yeah. So so today we were watching the Kentucky Derby and
they were talking about something about this horse coming from Dubai, and I had
the thought in my head. I thought, oh, is the Kentucky Derby
this year in Dubai and I thought, no, dipshit, it's in Kentucky.
But then I still was like, Okay, well I gotta tell you
this, and like, you know, because I think it's funny, So
like, why is it that? Like I could easily avoid certain things,
but I'm like, you need to know how dumb this is? This thought?
You know? Why do I invite it? And you I wasn't.
I wouldn't have hesitated that situation to point it out to somebody I care about.
It's strangers. Well, but like I'm my full fucking job is being
a dip shit on the internet, Like why do I? But I genuinely
don't know why. In part of you knows that they're actively looking you up
for that reason because they want to hear me say dumb shit about egg whites
or whatever. Yeah, and they half of the people will love you for
it, and they have the people hate you for it. Yeah, it's
amazing how many people like you're egg whites. Dan, you're very polar Oh
don't don't. Yeah, I want to. I remember why Dan's an idiot.
I just looked at him. Um no, the guy thought of the
fire pit. Last time I was here, we had this raging fire pit
full of fire, and I had a cigarette butt and I wanted to throw
it in the fire, and he had to think about it whether he was
okay with that. There's a lot to ascribe to me. Maybe pausing for
a second sometime, it's like, no, you didn't want to let me
throw the cigarette butt in the fire. You know that's true. That may
I think that was the same trip as the initial cigarette fiasco in the lawn,
right, And that was I think I was considering like retaliatory, like
nah, fuck you, look, you're not You gotta figure out some annoying
place to put your cigarettes. You don't get an easy out because you wanted
to fill my yard with them. But honestly, if you're trying to get
rid of a cigarette, but there's no better place for a cigarette, but
there's no downside to throw. When you want to kill a terminator, the
best place to its jump. You've tried everything else. That's weird of a
jump as the original cigarette fiasco. When you said, do you think when
those men were going into Omaha Beach on the landing ships, when they smoked
their last cigarette heading into certain death, do you think they thought twice about
throwing their cigarette into the ocean. Yeah, you're comparing my Connecticut yard to
fucking d Day you made. Yeah it was amplified, of course, but
it's slightly Yeah, it was the same basis. Yeah, it's exactly the
same. Yes, it's crazy, but it's like a terminator. You've shot
him, You've blown him up. It's not like a terminator. Hit him
with missiles. Nothing's working. You throw him in a goddamn melt lava steel
thing. It's all over. He gives you a thumbs up, and it's
all over. Well, he threw himself into that. It had been funny
if my cigarette but had a little tiny thumbs up as I threw it in
there. Oh but you did hesitate and you had to think about it.
I know, but I don't. At no point did I actually think that
there'd be a downside until like you throwing a cigarette in there. Pause,
because I was pissed at you about the yard thing, and I was like,
no, it's too easy. You need to need to I need to
annoy you more. But but if the objective of your decision is to make
sure that it doesn't clutter your house up or make it look trashy. Isn't
a fire the best place for it? Yes? Again, I'm not arguing
that the fire is a good place for the cigarette. It's fine. It's
a place for your face too. That beard would make you go up quick
too. This video is gonna have a weird ending. What you being your
son's head into a fire? No, because you're my ride to New York.
Oh right, right, that's right, my free ride to New York.
Yes. God, we did discover in Boston the Uber drivers are not
very talkative. But I kept bringing up that I think all of our Uber
drivers were not English was not their first language. Maybe, but you can
express friendliness withoutline. None of them seemed unfriendly. It just it wasn't the
conversation. They were just doing a job. I guess. Yes, Yes,
that's one thing you learn when you're a driver. You can pretty much
assess within eight seconds if people want you to talk. Oh man. I've
had some living where I live like it takes forever to get to the airport,
and I've gotten into a few where it's like it's just I'm tired or
I'm nervous about a flight or something, and it's like this, Yeah,
but not just talkative, but like talks about you know, just fucking weird
things or opinions or politics and stuff that I just I or in the morning
when I better go on a flight. The last thing I want to do
is somebody talking to me about some fucking conspiracy thing or yeah, you've got
to you've got to read the room. I mean, when I'm driving,
if I let them start and if they engage in conversation, I can run.
I can talk the whole trip if you want to. If you immediately,
the key is for me is if you immediately, if your face is
in your phone, oh then yeah. And I know. I mean I've
had so many trips where you never say a word. If I am in
like full on, like I cannot be talking today, like I will just
kind of like put headphones in or something. Yeah, like tilt my head
back and close my eyes, you know, like I yeah. Yeah.
And if you know, if you if you understand people all, you can
read those signs. Yeah, but some people are clueless to signs. I
always use you as my That's when I feel like an asshole. For like,
if I land at Newark, I gotta come all the way. I
hear Connecticut it's like an hour and a half drive, and like it's always
the time when I get in the car and that's when they see like how
far they gotta go and they're like, oh, Connecticut huh. And I'm
like, yeah, I'm sorry, I know it's a pain. And my
dad's driver in Kansas, Oh, I know it's a pain. So I
always use that. It's like, sorry, they have another choice, but
they should know that before they commit to accepting it. Well, it's weird.
It's like I'll book these things, but it's just you know what happens.
I can tell you what happens. They see the dollar amount exactly and
then like I sometimes I will like schedule a thing and they will call me
and they'll be like, hey, are you going into the city or where
are you going? Or like what say are you going to And it's like,
sorry, I don't do that. I've got an end to cars.
And they've been like sorry, I'm going to the city. I don't do
that and kick me out of the car. You know. It's yeah,
Well, the thing is when you get an offer when you're driving, it
shows you the time it's going to take. But it's a human being you're
really focused on the dollar amount because every one you're deciding if it's worth your
while. So if you see like a thirty dollars to you know trip,
yeah, your instinct is, oh, hell yeah, I'll take that.
But you don't look at the time. And the thing is the offer is
only good for a few seconds. It beeps away, well not right away.
It gives you, like i'd say, four or five seconds where you've
got it. Either it's pretty right away. You've got to either decline it
or accept it. So I pretty quickly learned. I call it time and
money. What's what's the time I'm involved in? What's the money? Yeah?
M But I need to get back into that because I really do enjoy
it. I feel like there's been like four times that you've kind of quit
for like a dumb reason, or it's like someone something about like after COVID
or something like something about your cigarette ashes or something. What was you had
some reasons? Well, when I started, I had been smoking in the
car for like eight years yea, And I when I committed to trying it,
seeing what it was like, I went and paid like seventy bucks to
in my car professionally cleaned, which for me, but I did it.
And but I broke down here once a while and would smoke in the car,
you know, my personal time. Sure, and then you got to
spray it down and get all the smell out of there, because that's not
a good thing. Nobody wants that. I get that. Um, I
forget where I was going. But but I haven't smoked in the car and
probably ten months, but I hardly ever, so in a way it was
good because if you don't smoke in the crest, smoking in the car,
there's a lot of it, a lot of what smoking. If you can
stop doing that, that cuts a lot back. You have had a lot
of strong opinions about smoking these days. I do, and they're getting stronger.
The society is getting ridiculous. Fenway was a great example. Hated that
that's stupid. First of all, at a ball game, you're outside in
the first place, and I get maybe maybe like if you're smoking and there's
a family and there's a three or four year old right next to you,
I get it. You don't want to smoke next to a kid. I
get that. But if you're in a like at Kaufman in Kansas City,
where there's going to be like a third fold and you're in the upper deck
and there's no one with that hundred feet of you. It's ridiculous that you
have smoked. And if you want to, and you want to do it
legally, you gotta this holding pen way outside the stadium. Kaufman. It's
bad, but it's within the parameters of the ballpark. Sure, Fenway.
You literally couldn't smoke anywhere on the grounds. And if you want to smoke,
you had to leave the grounds and you can't get back in. That's
taken it way too far. I agree that restaurants, the beer, the
bourbon's kicking in. Oh you're pointing, Oh, here we go. I
agree. I agree about the whole. When restaurants started, I get the
airplanes, and I get that restaurant's airplanes. I get it. Yeah,
any open air bars, I thought, well, you have to be a
private club. No, But what do you think do you think bars should
be? Should vand selfishly I think you should be able to, But I
get it that a lot of people wouldn't. But if you make the decision
to allow smoking, which I think you should have that option as a bar
owner, you're you're limiting your customer base. But if you want to do
that, I think you should be able to. And you know what,
I think it'd be great for business. I mean if if the bar was
like advertised like hey, we're the smoker friendly Barye. But you got to
really think that, like that's our demographic, that's our crowd, Like well,
you know, because if you're going all in on that, you know,
well, that's why I like private clubs like the Eagles Lodges, And
I think maybe I've been at VF i'd be in a long time, but
I know Eagles Lodges you can smoke in, and the demographic is like dead
and between seventy and dead. Put it this way. So the Red Balloon
where I was, I wouldn't exist without that bar seventy seventh Street in Kansas,
seventy fifth Street. When I was first of drinking age, it was
notorious as like well, if you go to the Red Balloon, you better
be used to all your clothes reeking of cigarette. And when I first really
because it was like when I first started going there, it's probably like oh
six oh seven, you know, and that's kind of round. When things
started changing and it's like, man, if I'm going to the balloon,
my ship's gonna reek for a few days and then they change it. Do
you think nowadays if the Red Balloon, a very dingy dive bar karaoke joint
in Kansas said hey, we're cool with cigarettes, and it was night after
night filled with smoke, do you think their bottom line, even if they're
making more money or less money. I think they'd lose a third and gain
a third. Do you think pretty even? Yeah? Interesting? I do.
Yeah, But it's the way And I was talking to you earlier.
The thing that's cracking me up now is when you turn on a TV show
and it used to be nudity, suggestive situations, violence, adult topics,
whatever, and now they're including smoking. Yeah, come on, I mean
that's been a thing for like video games have had that on a long time.
It's like, oh, you know, alcohol, you smoking tobacco.
You know, come on, shield your eyes, kids, someone's smoking.
Well, I mean the more obvious thing that everyone's said forever is like,
it's crazy that like just grew some fucking violence in prime time is fine,
but a fucking boob is well yeah that that started no war? Really,
Yeah, because you know, that was when porn was trying to become more
mainstream. But you know, they were broadcasting images from Vietnam of kids getting
killed in Vietnam, and that was okay on the news. Well, there's
always the argument of like what's newsworthy and what's pornographic? And I'm talking about
like nowadays, like you know, like primetime TV for decades now, it's
been CSIS and stuff and grewsome murders and stuff like that of fictionalized stuff.
You know, right, that's been fine, like with no newsworthy element.
You know, if I had to say that, the biggest change I've seen,
at least in this country with society, and I'm not offended by it
because I'm old and my kids are grown and I don't care. But I'm
just aware of how much it's changed is how often you hear swearing in public.
I just don't think that matters. And it doesnt matter obviously because you
hear it more. But I hear the f bond pretty regular in public.
I really don't think about, like I have that thing. It's like I'm
so rarely around kids. They're like, but now a lot of my friends
have kids, and so if you know almost my friends are elsewhere, but
if why you do that. That's the thing, like I'll be like home
for Thanksgiving or something and there's like young kids there and stuff. Yeah,
fucking you know, but that's the thing. I'll like, yeah, I'll
stop a curse with a curse. But I just don't think it matters,
you know. And like every parent I've been around where I've done that,
they're be like it's fine. They hear a way worse at home. You
know, kind of matters if you're a parent and you've got a ten year
old, you know what I'm saying that, I mean, if it's fucking
shit, I mean, yeah, you don't want I'm saying fucking slurs or
whatever like words it actually like matter but like fucking shit and stuff like yeah
you do you don't want your kids saying I get, I know I can't
really relate to like kids stuff, but because you know, there's several families
in my neighborhood with small kids, and I hear all the time from like
ten to eleven year olds. Man, when I was that age, and
I'm not saying we were better or whatever, it's just different. I mean,
I I felt uncomfortable saying that word. Until I was like thirty.
I never cursed around you or mom for the longest time. Imber. I
had a friend back when we lived in an Exa and he would just I
think you know who I'm talking about. Uh, he would just fuck use
my fucking house. But and like in front of his dad, like at
the dinner table, and I was just like, oh my god. Remember
his brother had posters all over all the walls of like just you know,
centerfolds and you know, just straight up like ah, here's my breast of
vagina. And it's like, oh my god, I can't believe, like
he's allowed to have this and they can curse and like that. That was
shocking back then. Well, that was an unusual family. Yes, yes,
I know exactly what you mean. Oh yes, yeah, I think
you had to fire one of them. I did. I had to fire
one of them for stealing. Yeah, I'm the one who saw it.
M Yeah. That was not your typical family. No, no, but
I mean it was you know, back in the day, it was weird
to see people curse around their their parents. I never really Yeah, I
never cursed around you. I never cursed around you. That's true. It's
you were always the one too that like you would see Ember you suphole fiction
and hated it. He told me that, like, yeah, you're not
seeing that movie until you're thirty five. You know. It's interesting. It's
like if to anyone who knows us or follows us now and sees the relationship
and we're just talking about it's going on, it's the fucking space station calling
you. That's not me. What's in your pocket? Lit up? It
did? I thought the answer, right, I don't know my cigarettes lit
up? Well, I mean that's the point, right, ah Um,
I think anyone who sees us, now, what are you doing? I'm
looking for my phone? Now, you got me wondering. That's right there.
By the way, my Space watch tells me where my phone is?
My Space It's it's really handy, right, Oh, it's great. I
do that all the time. It's like, oh, where's where's my name?
There? It is? Yeah, I've only had to do it once
or twice, but it's pretty great. It's extremely handy. I do it
like six times a day. I'm a kid. I'm alost always had my
phone on me. Well, it's like I always feel here's the thing.
I want to get your thoughts on this. We're talking about Backla earlier.
Um, yeah, it's it's just a kind of a bit. I'm not
it's not actually like a point of argument or anything. But like, so
he's got a seven year old kid, and it came up on a podcast
not too long ago. We're talking about movies and like what his kid watches
and what he's afraid of and can't watch or whatever, and Jaws came up,
and Backlar was like, are you fucking nuts? I'm not gonna let
my kids see Jaws. And I was probably six or seven when I saw
Jass. I mean I was seven when I said Terminator, Like, I'm
very much in the like, yeah, if I agree, though, you
agree with Backlar really because you always work like mom, let me just unfettered
access to everything. You were always the one that was more like you can't
watch this or whatever, So like, what is the is it more I
would just get scared. No, that's either sexual stuff or violence. Yeah,
yeah, like Jaws is just too scary. Well, there was there's
boobs at the beginning, there was nude scene at the beginning, and just
the violence. I mean you don't want a kid being terrified of going in
the water. But I mean, isn't that part of being a kid.
It's just like, oh, I think scar getting eaten by a shark,
getting eaten by a shark, But like, like that part of the fun
of being a kid is like, oh my god, I saw this thing
and scared the shit out of me, and like those memories of like that's
why they make roller coasters. I love those two. But I mean,
sure, if a kid is legitimately like terrified of scary movies or death or
anything like that, then like, yeah, I stay away from that stuff.
But like I remember as a kid, I just like would see Jaws
and obsess about it or Terminator, and like, I just don't see anything
inherently wrong with that if you're into it, you know, like I knew
it was fake all the time. But I mean to a different kid,
it might create a whole new set of issues. I'm not saying every parent,
hey, sit your kid down and show them Jaws. I'm saying,
like it shouldn't be across the board, just like no kids should see Jaws.
You know, that's why there's ratings. Sure, sure, I had
a big thing with the book it or the movie. It was the book,
wasn't it? Well, you found out in fifth grade that I was
reading it, and you were adamant that. I know, Well, the
only thing was because I had read it and I could think about it was
that group sex scene where all the young kids had sex with each other's Jesus,
I don't think I got that far. You never finished it, nobodies.
You were like, you cannot read that. Yeah, like all these
fourteen year old kids basically had a gang bang. What the fuck? Yeah
in the book, Yeah, Jesus, And I wasn't comfortable with you reading
that. I mean, okay, that I get that sounds pretty severe.
I'm not sure you're emotionally ready for it. Now that's specific circumstances. No,
I don't want that at all. But no, that that sounds that's
kind of beyond the pail. But like I don't know, future robots coming
back to kill people, or like, you know, a shark is scary
and eight people like I don't know, Like I loved that ship, and
so maybe I just feel like I cut off obviously. I mean, I
just think seven's way too young for that stuff. I mean, there's enough
real stuff in life to be scared about. But you don't want to put
all those thoughts in a young kid's brain. Let them be happy with their
thoughts of Mickey Mouse and Donna Tello. They'll figure out how much life sucks
later. I didn't think life stuck because I saw Jaws, And now they'll
figure there's plenty of real stuff to be scared about, like sharks. Well
it did alter American's behavior on the beaches. Oh yeah, a lot of
people were scared to swim in the ocean. I don't think about it.
I mean I think about Jaws a lot. Yeah, I mean, like
the rare occasion when I'm in the ocean, I'm like, what the fuck
is down here? You know, I mean it's a Jurassic Park. I
won't go into the woods, you know, go around trees. I went
in there hoping to find Laura Dirt. She's hanging out in the woods.
Yeah, she's back there, right back there, looking at turds. What
she does? Hey, you like turds, Laura? Ever? Hey you
like turns? Laura? Check me out. Oh there's your t shirt there
you go? Oh, I mean there's there's And I'm very anti censorship but
you don't want everything out in the open for your four or five year old
kid to see. Yeah, there's no religious basis for that. For me,
it's just I honestly think if I had kids, which I have no
intentions of h I think my biggest thing that I would fixate on is I
don't want them to have a fucking iPad. I don't want them to fall
into a fucking YouTube algorithm and just sit there like looking into I don't want
them to have a TikTok account. I don't want them to fucking like any
of that ship where they're just the attention span is going to get nukes.
And I say that as someone who grew up. You know, I got
the Internet when I was twelve, not as a small child, but like
I played video games my entire life. My attention span is not great.
But like I just feel like it is like nuclear levels of damaging. That's
all I'm going to get worse exactly, And I think that is the thing
if I had a kid, more than any violence, new to the or
anything like that, I think I would be like, you're not seeing a
fu you were not gonna have an iPhone, you were not gonna have a
tablet for a long time, and we were going to talk about healthy usage
of this stuff. We're gonna set the screen time type of stuff. Video
games. Sure, I'm fine with that. Obviously, it's different now with
online games and stuff. But what you don't realize is it's tough to combat
that when all their friends have. That's exactly because I have so many friends
who are very cognizant of that stuff and are like, I don't want my
kid to have this or that. But then when it's like they go to
school and at recess, the other kids are like, Oh, check out
this thing I saw on this and so why not I get this? Dad?
Like, there's just a million reasons I think I wouldn't be able to
handle having kids, And like, I just I would not handle that well,
I don't think. I mean, honestly, we've had this discussion many
times, but I just think you'd be miserable. Yeah, yeah, there's
just no way You've done whatever you wanted whenever you wanted your entire adult life
and to all of a sudden, because I still long think you realize how
much having a kid I get, it puts a clamp on that I talked
to my friends, but i'd like, I'd say the majority of my friends
at this point have kids between the age of like baby and eight. Yeah,
you know. And it's like, so I've definitely talked to all my
friends about it, and I'm aware, I know there's no way I can
really know since I don't have them, but like, look, I know
certain friends that like used to be very available and used to be you know,
easy to get a hold up or hang out with, and now it's
just like, oh, bully. I realized that as I in my early
adulthood because you know, when I was eighteen nineteen, I could make one
phone call and have a poker game with eight guys in an hour. Yeah
you know. Yeah, and when you're in your probably about well, once
you start having kids and he getting married, you have to plan it like
two months ahead of time. Really, yeah, I prosy get permission from
those spouses, They got clear of those schedules. It's just it's not good
or bad as this way it is. Yeah, yeah, And I don't
like but granting me my friend who have had kids and our arn't is available.
But like I had a friend recently I asked a question I was like,
Hey, do you want to do this thing the summer that we've we've
usually done and he was like, he's about to have a kid, and
he's like, well, you know, we're trying to We're thinking, you
know, the kids do soon as this recording and he's like, oh yeah.
I think I was talking to my spouse about like maybe in August we
could each do a thing where we each have a week where we take the
kid and the other one gets to do whatever they want. It's like you
have to plan a week where you can do what you want four months in
advance. Yeah, Like that's fucking like I literally just you're right, Like
I know, I'm I don't spoils the word, but like I am so
accustomed to like only doing what I want all the time. Yeah, you
would not react, will It's it's in a way that I think that it's
similar to like you in which like you have very much gotten used to like
your routine and your way of living, and when you are something encroaches on
that, it's just like what the fuck and you don't necessarily handle it well.
I don't handle it well. I don't like lash out or go crazy
or anything, but like I just it doesn't compute when I don't get to
do something I want to do right. You know, I don't know if
that's a good thing or a bad thing, but like it's the kids do
not seem like to work with that. I do feel like you made the
right decision. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I used to.
I used to think that it was definitely gonna happen because, like I don't
know, I think you and I, for all they know, complicated it
is or unusual or whatever our relationship is always so it meant so much to
me, and I think about all the great times growing up and as adults
and everything, and I always grew up just assuming like, oh man,
it's gonna be so fun. It's gonna be so great to have that with
my kid, you know, like that. And then, don't get me
wrong, I mean great things about being apparent, but in terms of lifestyle,
it's it's up huge shift. Yeah yeah, yeah. I never really
considered it could be different until I met Bunk and she was saying like,
hey, head's up. If you want to have kids, I'm not your
girl, And I was like, well, I know for a fact I
love you, but I don't know how I feel about kids, So let
me go with the sure thing and I will agree, like I have no
interest in kids. Let's get together here, um, And as time's gone
on and our lives have become the way they have been, like, it's
just not compatible. Yeah, but kids, And you said that to her.
Then you went in the bathroom and shot the toilet lid. I said,
this is the new way, and got a glass of wine all the
way to the bathroom. Yes, this is the day. I want to
give you credit on air on air air. Yeah, oh, you've really
improved your driving. I'll like that. Dan and I went out to eat
tonight and he actually drove, and uh, I've been I've been with him
at his worst driving. What was the worst Minnesota? Yeah, you're you
were terrifying. I mean, I'm not even trying to be funny. Sure,
being a pastor in a car you were driving was literally terrifying. Well
in what way? Let the folks I know what you mean. But it's
not like you make it sound like I'm just like fucking like cleaning. I'm
not that. Back when you were trying to be a normal adult, how
you weren't an accent every day you're you were a really really bad driver,
and what we describe the way I was a bad driver. Oh, there's
so many things, very hrky jerky. I noticed your foot was always always
it was always between the break and the accelerator. It's an anxiety thing.
It's just like I just can't like I know you're supposed to just put the
foot down and keep it there, but like with me, it's like,
oh, I just gonna be ready to breaking case any day. Well what
am I going to fascinating? Am I going to it? Like? It's
just it's a constant, like you can't settle down. Jerky jerky is the
phrase I always think of. Um A lot of a lot of excessive breaking
and a lot of unnecessary acceleration. You still do that. You're not in
the way of like I've never been like a speed guy. No no,
no, like instead of easy, like you're to stop light or stop sign
instead of easing into going forward, it's sudden. Yeah, that's the one
thing I've seen from you. Still it's held back, but just an overall
panicky, nervous I think the herky jerky stuff and the panic when you like
highway stuff, merging I can feel it in you, or I used to
be able to feel it in you, just this overwriting sense of oh oh
yeah, yeah yeah, and my heart's beating through my chest. My vision
is getting like tunnel vision. Yeah yeah, And I get that way.
Sometimes I'm totally fine if I know where I'm going. Yeah. But here's
the thing. You don't have anxiety the way I do. Everyone has their
own anxieties and stuff like that. I have just straight up anxiety disorders,
like pretty severely. Like that's a very different thing. Like I think a
lot of people who don't have anxiety describe the situations where they got anxious or
if I don't know where I'm going or whatever. But it's like that is
very different than just like unexplained, irrational severe anxiety, which is what I've
dealt with. You know. It's like it's not like, oh, I'm
in a situation I should be anxious. I got anxious. Like no,
I'm merging on the highway and everything's fine, and for some reason, my
fucking body's freaking the fuck out. You know, I mean you say that,
But the way I reacted to Fenway was not rational. Yeah, yeah,
it wasn't. No, No, yeah, but I also don't know
if you have anxiety necessarily, I mean fear of I have a major,
major thing about avoiding confrontation. Yeah, I will do anything to avoid a
confrontation. And there was no good threat of confrontation in that thing. But
the fact that I knew we were standing there and we were indecisive and people
were trying to watch the game, that just boiled up in me. And
it was a combination of that and looking stupid. We alluded to it.
For this is where it's like people were in our seat. I went in
there to be like, hey, you're in our seat. The game had
already started, the gaming de started, and he was just standing there like,
and it like it's literally thirty or forty minutes afterwards, you were like,
I feel like my blood pressure is through the roof. Oh my god,
I'm just now starting to come down. I'm just not like you were,
like just because we were like for we were, it took them a
while to like move over, and it just you were having like an internal
crisis. Yeah, it was. Yeah, I was dying inside. And
you notice I tried to just sit down on the wrong seats just oh,
I know, and I was like I was. I was asking. I
was like, hey, no, no, we're seven and eight. Go
over to seven and eight, and you're just you know, yeah, I
don't like being like that. No, nobody likes when they feel like that.
No, but anywhou fun sound the passage of time aging, it's ridiculous.
Yeah, I feel like I can distinctly remember I just started a new
job when I turned forty. I'd been there like a week or two,
and there was yellow pages, Fiasca, where are you marriage kids? Wives?
At my age, I was out of a horrible divorce. You're out
of wife two divorce. I was in legal hell with her. Right kids
were little too, My two little ones were little. Yeah. Just I
wasn't making jack ship for money. I was fighting constantly with the X that
was. That was a horrible period of my life. Um but anyway,
so when I turned forty, I just started this job and I remember the
boss and now I remember exactly what she said. She said. She said,
we have a birthday to day. It's Paul's birthday, she said.
And I'm not gonna say old you are. It's a big one, and
you know, you know, typical workplace stuff. My point is that twenty
years elapsing feels like three years really, and that you'll find that as you
get older, ten years feels like one. It's just incredible. It's like
New Orleans, you know, it doesn't seem that long ago. You and
I went. We went to New Orleans on my fiftieth birthday, and it
doesn't seem that long ago. No, there's ten years, like almost to
the day. And I think now I am closer to seventy than I was
to the New Orleans trip. Yeah, and that's crazy to me and scary
as hell. Yeah, Now, do you honest questions? So that is
the case of everyone, and I have felt it. Sure, my dad
warned me about it. Sure, and it's true. But do you think
any of it is exacerbated by your lifestyle? Of it being people lived in
the same place. You don't leave the house, you do the same things
everybody, You don't think that's no one. I'll tell you why, because
almost everybody I know is my age or older. Sure, and everyone feels
the same way anyway. I feel the same way too, even at like
forty, and it gets a lot worse. Yeah, Well, I mean
the analogy the toilet paper one like I think that there's a lot. I
think it's right. If you want to tell it, well, I use
cartons of cigarettes, but go ahead. Well I remember you saying once that
life is like a roll of toilet paper, where it's like as it gets
further along or closer to the end, it just goes faster and faster.
You know. It's like I have thought of that a lot. Yeah,
it's true. Like if you're a smoker and you get a carton cigarettes,
you're like, oh man, I'm good for ever, and the next thing
you know, it's like a funk, I gotta get cigarettes. But the
thing is, and you know you and I know this firsthand from losing my
nephew and your cousin last year at forty suddenly to cancer. It's like,
and there's no promises. Yeah, time goes fast, and yeah, I'll
be eighty two fast. There's no chance I'll be sick. There's no guarantee
you'll be sixty one. There's no guarantee you'll be thirty nine. I've known
a lot of people in my lifetime. They've gotten car wrecks and just they
were just going to work or whatever, and fuck, they never make it.
There it's yeah, there's no guarantees. Yeah, I don't want to
get like you know, and I and I say shit like that, and
I think to myself that I should be experiencing more and living more, but
I don't do it now. You said that when Grandpa passed too, that
like, oh, this is gonna be my impetus for like I'm gonna start
going out and you know, yeah, I'm living my life will I can
still get up and move around and stuff like that. That I mean,
I saw a man who was who enjoyed life more than anybody ever knew,
and who the last three years of his life due to dementia were just awful.
And I saw him deteriorate before my very eyes, And yeah, I
thought that was awakening. I thought my APPENDECTI was a wake up call.
Yeah, did I see appen ying me? He said, all right,
appendect to me was a wake up call. I thought losing you know,
my nephew was awakening. But I and I used this U story in my
head and it's so stupid, but it's just the way I rationalized stuff.
I'm like, I mean, I saw the grand Canny when I was a
kid. But I often think I use this just as an example. I
was like, you know, I, while I still can, while I'm
physically able, I should go see the Grand Canyon. And then the other
side of my brain goes, well, then you'll see the Grand Canyon,
and when you die, you'll just be a guy, a dead guy who's
all the Grand Canyon? Did it really matter? That's just how my brain
works. I can't relate to that. I know you live life very differently
than I do. Well, I relate to like the whole thing, like
I think everyone knows, you know, life's and I guaranteed and all that
it's but you know, you think about like, oh the car crash or
this could happen like that always just feels like random. It's just you know,
bolt of lightning out of nowhere could kill you, of course, but
it not to get depressing. But yeah, you alluded to Matt passing recently,
and I've talked about it a little bit before. But he was forty
and suddenly got some stomach pains pancreatic cancer, and he from the time he
got diagnosed to the time he passed was like a month less than a month,
than a month less than a month, and that was the most eye
opening thing for me and something I've thought about constantly. Sense because he was
close to your age, that's the thing. He was two years older than
me and we were really close growing up. And that was just the crazy
things like you think there would always be like a warning or like oh,
you know he was sick for a few years whatever, or you know,
like I never really considered how immediate it could be where it's like nope,
all of a sudden, oh, what's that stomach pain? And then like
you're gone. Yeah, it's uh. That was for that to be my
first experience with that and someone I was so close with it was, and
someone that close to my age and someone those frankly like way more health healthy
than me. You know, he was active, he was you know he
uh man, that was he reminds me of norm talking about and he was
trying to be funny, but he made a good point. It is like,
you know, you think there's something wrong, you go to the doctor
and you get the all clear. Doctor says, man, you're all good,
and said you just keep coming back. I'll give you some news.
It'll shatter your world at some point. Yeah, And that's true. Yeah,
it's it's uh, it's it's uh. Well, I'll never forget when
I figured this shit out. My you know this. But my daughter's grandmother
on their mother's side just recently passed at ninety five, and I was doing
the math. I gotta do it again. But yeah, she was fifty
five years old when my nephew Matt was born and she outlived it. That's
fucking insane. What the hell that'd be? Like, I think of a
five year old child right now, Yeah, and I would outlive them.
That's it. That's nuts. It's so unfair and so random. Yeah,
And it's like, you know, I'm I know, I'm not a spring
chicken at you know, thirty nine, but I have so many plans for
my life and so many things I'm excited about, and all these things I
can't wait for me and be I'm gonna do this when we're old, and
we're gonna do these trips and we're gonna move here and retire here, or
do this when we're retired, and like just the idea of like in my
head that's just like, oh, of course that's all gonna happen, Like
that's all, you know. But then it's like, you know, things
like the Matt situation everything just are a stark reminder that, like, you
can make all the plans in the world, and look, life can stuff
you can never ever see coming, could just totally other plans for you.
Well, it reminds me of my favorite quote, and you know this,
but there's a quote from a John Lennon song. It says, life is
what happens while you're busy making other plans. Sure, and you can map
out your life, you know in your head the way you think it's going
to go. But no matter who you are, life's gonna throw your curveballs.
Yeah, and things are gonna happen you don't expect and you don't see
coming, and you can't do anything about it. It's just it's just the
way it is. Well, and I think the important thing is to just
be able to roll with the punches as much as you can. Like And
sometimes those punches are like minor and conveniences sometimes like oh Wow, someone got
pregnant. Now I gotta have a kid. And this one's like, oh
someone's got an illness, someone's got you know, Oh, I got this
job where I gotta move to another state where like that can take so many
different forms on it's a wide spectrum of importance, and I think it's just
important to be able to roll with whatever punches you can. But of course
there are some punches that are just gonna be like knock out blow and you
can't really do anything about it. You know. It's like my sister and
her husband. It wasn't in their mind that they would outlive one of their
children. Yeah, you know. Yeah, it's lives of grab shoots.
Sometimes it is. But oh, I see a dipper, a dipper,
I'm gonna go pee uh and grab. I'll grab one more log. Huh,
I'm gonna grab another log. What do you think are we wind?
Is this the wind up? I want to sing a song? O sing
a song. I'll go grab a log. I don't know where you're going
with this, but I want to sing it to you. Then just vamp
for a little bit, and you do you know they put a log on
the fire song? Do you want to sing it? When I get a
log, I want to do it right now. Okay, let's hear it.
Put another log on the fire. Cook me up some bacon and some
beans, go out to the truck and lift it up, and change the
tire. Wash my socks and so my old blue jeans. You start taking
notes this a lot of things. Wash my socks and so my old blue
jeans. So putting another log on the fire. And then there's another line
I can't remember, and the end is and come and tell me why you're
leaving me. Okay, well I'm leaving to get a log. I always
like that song. Do you ever do you remember I'm a little drunk,
weird, weird eighteen fourteen. We took a little trip, you know that
song the folks? Okay, norm not that anyone's watching, but thanks for
listening to our depressing the stories about life. Um, you will face some
hardship in life, and you're gonna have a lot of on the way too.
I got to ride the waves. There's a I lean on lyrics a
lot. There's a song by Jerry Jeff Walker, which I know none of
you have heard of. It's called getting By, and I'm trying to take
it the line, oh, just getting by on getting by is my stock
and trade, living it day to day, picking up the pieces wherever they
fall, just letting it roll, letting the high times carry the low,
just living my life. Easy come, easy go. I was just sharing
a song lyric. Yeah, and I think there's words of wisdom in there.
Yeah. Well I'm gonna piece, so tell me what. I don't
pee in your yard because I've hurt the home value peeing in my yard.
I've never had a problem with that. Jesus Christ, you're committing to like
another two hours. It's one log that was two things broken in half.
It was one that became two. What do you look for, Rigno,
What does that mean you broke it in half? It was a log,
by the way, earlier I saw it, Dan, do something supermanly.
What I'm not talking to you? Why is the bush talking? Where the
bush? Why is the bush growing? It was a burning bush, not
a peeing bush. Let the fire around peeing bush. That's a different Bible.
Yeah, what was I talking about? I don't know? This is
this is sliding in the nonsense. I know your fans hate nonsense. Yeah,
they have no tolerance, no tolerance for nonsense. All right, Um,
I love the music. Questions earlier on the other thing we did,
some of those were tough choices. Yeah, I would love it, if
you would love it, if you started doing the Twitter stuffs. That'd be
fun. I'll consider it. I doubt it, but I'd love to be
surprised. I heard a dumb joke on Twitter tonight. What's that? What's
that? I don't even know how to phrase it. Shut up? You're
going be pee? Shut up? You should tell the folks. You should
tell beardy man three thousand there. But how you made me ship my pants
in New Orleans? Oh? I've told that, sorry, numerous times on
various things. You get a picture of it. I do have a picture.
What are you doing there? Ah? I pete, I shipped my
pants. Let me try to remember to put up I'm reminding myself to put
up a picture of him shooting his pants on a bench right now. I
shipped my pants in the parking lot of my high school two years ago.
True story. Why are you standing up? I'm thinking about pan? Don't
you know how I operate? By now? You can't stand up to think
about you have to think about stuff? And oh what was it called earlier?
The preliminary Paul process for taking a shower? That took literally two hours
of you hyping yourself up to take a shower. Cool? Cool, cool?
Fuck yeah, you're extending it by making me a laugh. Let's say
you shoot your pants, so it's starting. I sold something for like two
bucks, a couple of gumballs. I can. I got a piece so
bad it's affecting my walking. Just go the folks. The preliminary Paul process.
Um, it's a fun time. Do you ever want to do anything
with old Paul Reichert If he has to do anything, he has to get
out of a bed, if you have to put pants on, if you
have to take a shower, especially, it's a numerous step process. And
it's head where he was talking about, like Dan, this is a big
step in the preliminary Paul process is I brought my underpants from the bedroom to
the shower area, and now I gotta sit here, and now I'm gonna
go smoke. But he never just goes and smokes. He talks about smoking
for upwards of a half hour. And he it's fun too because he just
hovers over you. So he'll just like sometimes you'll be waking up and he'll
be like going out in the morning and he will literally just sit. This
happened in the hotel. You sat on your bed while I'm laying in bed
trying to sleep, and just I'm gonna go smoke. I'm gonna go smoke
a cigarette. Ye, when smoke a cigarette, Okay, just go No,
I'm gonna are you mad at me? It's like, no, just
go smoke to a cigarette. Smoke the fucking cigarette. You're you're not a
big proponent of the just like just rapping the bandit off and getting stuff done.
Why I got talking thinking about it for a while. Do you think
it helps you? If there was a hidden camera in my house, you'd
think I was insane? Think because I'm really lately doing a lot of talking
to myself out out, and everything you heard outout, yeah, yeah,
And everything you heard in your last three days with me is stuff that's going
on in my head or I'm saying it. I mean the most mundane things
like okay, I need to smoke pee and then what's another one? Well,
I just thought of one, a very important one. I need to
tell the folks about that. I think I'm the only person you've told about.
Please talk about your nightly routine before bed. It's about the stove in
the door. Nope, the thing that gets graded. Yeah, that makes
me sound insane go on. I used to do that with Curb too.
No, let's start with what you told me here. It sounds really weird.
Yeah, it's just a fun little thing I do. Let the folks
know. The folks, this has been an intimate conversation. Let's let's peer
into this, right, Okay, Norm, by the way, you have
to promise me at some point will do like a two hour this podcast.
What is this? Fire cast? Is a firecast? It's a video we're
putting on YouTube, just talking about Norm, like a tribute. Oh,
I think we've done that a lot in bits and pieces. But too,
Daddy, you're trying to diverte. You got to talk about the thing you
do every night. It makes me sound clinically insane, it does, But
it's fine. Tell the folks, well, it's more of a visual thing.
Well, I mean you can. We've got three cameras here, so
but I have be laying down. Well, just do your best, and
in my underwear, do your best. You're delaying this. I am a
person who when they go to sleep has to have something on the TV.
And it's a whole routine. I haven't even told you about stove door thing.
Have I stove door. It's fairly move what's this? It's part of
my new routine. Okay, and if you saw it just watching me,
you clearly think I was insane. Okay, great, I'm a little OCD
just a little bit too um. So I'd like to watch a TV show
as if not watch, but listen to a TV show as I fall asleep.
And and generally I liked um stuff that I've seen before, so I
can just hear it and not have to watch it. And I've literally seen
every Family Guy like five or six times, so it's usually Family Guy and
the if you've ever watched it, the opening theme has a certain it's a
song that I know very very well, and I do a little hip show
the folks. Yeah, you have be laying down, okay, Uh,
just rotate your hips to the music. And then at the end you punctuated
when the song ends, and so you're doing you're doing like one of these
guys as a show girl type thing. Okay, all right, then that
boom in the big finish, but the thrust yeah yeah yeah. And then
at the end of it, I give myself a grade as to how how
good I did at the little dance so like, is the last thing you
think about before sleep every night? Is like, no, that was an
eight? Yeah? I get actually give it a grade? Yeah yeah?
Is it one to ten? Huh? Is it a one to ten or
is it like a plus B? It's usual like a six because it's it's
hard. Have you ever hit a ten? No? I can't even imagine
cheating those kind of standards. I mean, everyone's gonna have dreams. I
do have another thing I've started. What's that? You'll love it? Have
I heard this? No? Great? I'm not insane, folks, I'm
really not beardy. Man. Uh when I got to bed, well,
first of all, that that whole process is it to do? Because I
U, I'll be downstairs my bed rooms upstairs, and I get so tired,
and I'll be so tired and I can't imagine having the energy to do
the things I have to do to get to bed. And that's a little
saying I have do the things you have to do to get your ass to
bed? Is that dude? Like sing songy? It's in my head?
Okay, but that's how I say, do the things you have to do
to get your ass to bed. And at the time it seems like so
much stuff, So what are the things? Smoke? Get the last year
and out of the old anchor. It has to be a more efficient way
to say that. I year a night, no so, and it's always
a cigarette and a pee. So you get that out of the way,
and I go out and have a cigarette on the porch. Before I get
the cigarette, I grab my car keys and I make sure the cars locked.
You see the car flash, So that's step one, you smoke.
I got the screen door. I have to physically say out loud the door
thing is down, and then verify this is locked, and then it's shut.
Turned click. With the wood door, you shut it, turn the
bolt. And then with my door, you have to shut it and you
can hear it audibly click. And then I go in. Oh, and
I have to physically verify that the bolt is through with my finger. And
then I step in the kitchen and check the six stove things off off,
off, off, freezer and fridge or both shut securely so I don't waste
any errorgy you will asleep. And then I go out and I turn on
the hall light and I visually verify that the bolt is through, and then
I walk across the living room and I shut off Before I shot off light,
I look at the door and make sure the door is locked, and
then I shot off light and I go to bed. Is all these steps
the way you were cited of them? I think I know the answer to
this, but like, is it like clockwork every day and we're like every
like do you ever miss one of these? And sometimes I will do all
of that shit, go all the way across the room and not be sure
that I visually and physically touched the bolt. Yeah, so you'll wow.
I mean I like, like that's not so far, Like everything you're doing
is for a reason. But like I think it's the like the almost clinical,
just like stepped by something. Now I do this, Now I do
this, Like it's the regimented thing about it. Yeah, and I'm not
a doctor. I don't know what that is, like OCD or whatever,
but like, of course it is. It sounds like well, I mean
I think a lot of people think of like OCD is just that like you
know, stereotypical, like oh, I gotta wash my hands twenty times in
tampadour and like, but you just have a routine that yeah, and I
have to do it. I have to do it. Man. That's so.
Have you been diagnosed with OCD? No? No, do you think
you have it? Uh? Yeah? Yeah? And I've had you know,
almost every woman I've ever been with in one way, shape or formance
told me that they thought I was OCD. Yeah, and I probably am.
Yeah, I hesitate to like a doctor or whatever, like sound was
like that certainly, Yeah, definitely I think I had a doctor diagnosed me
with those CD ones. But like I don't. I don't know if I
have that, you know, like I because when I hear like you describe
that, or I hear like the kind of like traditional OCV things or whatever,
like, I don't feel like I have that. I think I can
fixate on thoughts and obsess over things or like just one thing. It's just
like why isn't this or I need I need to figure out what's going on
with this or whatever. It like it's all I can think about, you
know, even if I try to try my brain from it. But I
don't think I have the kind of like regimented like I have to do this
and this and every single day I do this. I just kind of you're
more free flowing. Yeah, I feel like every day I just kind of
wing it. And you know what, tell does this? Can you relieve
to this at all? Because I think this is how I approach everything.
It's just like whatever is in front of my face at a given time,
that's what I'm doing. And I'm really bad about if anything over here happens
like okay, if I'm doing this, oh yeah, I'm making this thing,
I'm doing this thing, I'm whatever, and then the thing calls my
attention over here, I get a text or a notification or someone calls my
name or something, and it's like ah, and then I just whatever I
was just doing is not even remotely in my brain. Ye, and I
will forget I was doing that. I misplace stuff all the time, I
miss I lose my phone constantly. You know, I'm like that. But
I have learned to combat that by so hardly focusing on one single thing.
Yeah, that I have to accomplish it. Something is mundane, is like
checking your light bill or whatever. Sure, if if that's what the thing
I was doing, I have to make sure I do that and nothing else
can interfere, because if it does, I just go off all Willie Millie
and I lose focus, yeah, and I can't get anything done. I
try to combat it with stuff like you know, you can set else firsts
like do not disturb modes on your phone and stuff like that, and so
it's like I know myself enough to ward. It's like I need to just
ship. I'm almost always undo not disturbed because phones are so bad about just
like mainge any noise or any it lights up or something. It's like,
oh, well, I just they haven't helped. Yeah, and it's just
so hard where it's like with what I do and being on the computer so
much. It's just like between emails coming in or somebody dmsman discord or I
get a text over here or this andever someone just ringing my doorbell or the
dogs are freaking out about something. It's just like any number of things in
just day to day life. You're just constantly at risk. It's like,
oh, now there's this, and then you forget this, you know,
like b happen Now I forgot a That's why it's really difficult for me to
watch TV or movies. Well, I have a strict like if I'm if
I'm watching watching something like you know, like succession is the show we watch
and religiously and pay attention to it. Phone is airplane mode. Everything is
just like I am watching this show. But then there's certain stuff too where
it's like, Okay, this is a background thing we're putting on. Other
stuff's going on. You're like wrestling. It can be on the background and
checking phone or talking or whatever. But like, if I want to actually
pay attention to something, I have to strictly be like fucking nothing is making
noise. And another reason that kids would probably be antithetical to that. Oh
yeah, yeah that sounds hard. But yeah, so you have that too,
you can relate to that. I don't know what that's radio. I
don't know that sci. I don't know what an anxiety? What's that?
I call it single focus. It's I'm very single focused. I've had I've
had pretty much every therapist I've ever talked to thinks I have anxiety in one
form or another. And I don't think that's true. But they're experts.
Yeah, and yeah, and I don't know, because like talking to you,
I feel like we have very different experiences with the things that, yeah,
they manifest themselves differently. Yeah, yeah, I think if you have
anxiety which you might, you know. Certainly, I think it's a different
form than I have, certainly, you know. But I've starting to worry
I just might be fucking lazy, maybe slumping all in that. I know
that explains the fucking finger at the door knob every night. I do think
I'm a person that performs best when I absolutely have to do something. And
so if you know you have to make a flight, you're gonna do that.
I'm thinking more in terms of like a job situation, like like if
I am I know I have to be at work at eight o'clock, I'll
be there. Yeah, I did it for a long time. I was
the most dependable son of a bitch in the post office they had, and
I'm not exaggerating, and in ten years, I think I called in a
day and a half, working six days a week. But I need that
structure. I do, and I just don't have it. And I need
it, but I don't want it. I just don't. That's the thing
I love about eBay is once you set up you know, ship tunnel listings
like I have. That's not a lot of money, but it's something coming
in every day. You know, every morning I wake up and I've sold
two or three things. It's not a ton of money, but it's something,
you know. Yeah, well dad, I just got the first card
full error on that one there out of film, out of film. The
other film ran out. They still use film, it's rare. Pretty much
everything's digital, like the rare show we'll use film. Do you remember one
our photos? Yeah? Yeah, now you're doing stuff. Yeah, that
was such a big event in people's lives getting something like well, especially when
you came back from vacation. Sure, yeah, you dropped that little roll
off and that little thing that people put pot in and then you know,
right yeah, and then you get it back and you're so excited to see
your pictures. Yeah. No, I definitely remember that. I remember going
to a bunch of like wrestling events and stuff, and that was you'd see
your stuff afterwards. So we're all or all major films done digitally now,
not all, but pretty largely. That's kind of how it's done. Like
I want to say, I think Succession does things on film, and that's
a real rarity. Um didn't they do um super eight on that super eight
oh the movie super super type of film? Um? Because they were trying
to catch that seventies feel to it or eighties. Yeah, I think that's
eighties. Yeah, yeah, that it might have. I mean it happens
from time to time. It's rare um, but yeah, some things will.
Oh we didn't talk about Jennie Gershawn. Yeah, I had this.
I started this thought process years ago. But it was about Fair Faucet because
Farair was about let's see, I'm sixty now she would have been Let's see,
that was fourteen years ago, so Fair would be like seventy four now,
right, sure, but Farare was like my it girl growing up.
It was just you, Yeah, just me. I was the only one
that bought that poster. Yeah. A lot of times, well they would
get all soggy anyway, goodness crazy, good lord, call the cops,
which revised, we gotta tell us her about my mom and the poster.
Do you know about this? Oh yes, it explains a lot about me
because yeah, but anyway, so Fairs, My plan was, I I
always was just so passionate about Fair as thought she was gorgeous and sweet again
just you. So my plan was to ride it out and tell her age
her not her age, to tell her looks deteriorated enough as she gets hard
to say, have you've been drinking? Cops should ask you to say deteriorated
when they pulled you over, All right, son, say deteriorated, deteriated?
All right? Come with me, Um, Tell her looks slipped enough
to where she would consider dating a slept like me. Wait a minute,
are yours in this scenario just staying frozen in time? You're not? And
that didn't count, no, because we're both gross. Okay, but she's
still like, does the gap get less wide? There? Oh? But
I would be gross too, but a little less gross than her, because
why are you less gross than fair Foster? You're fucking this up just because
she'd be like seventy five and I'd be like sixty three. Okay, just
shut up. So anyway, her looks have faded dramatically, and so of
mine. But she's at the point where sixty three year old spride dude like
me spry. No one's called you spry ever once, not when you were
twenty, spry when I was eight. No. The theory is that she
her looks are gone enough to where she would consider dating a guy like me,
that's the thing. But she had the nerve to die on me.
It was horribly sad. The same week is Michael Jackson, but she got
the short shrift on that, by the way, because it was any other
week she had been the big news story and Ed mcmontoo they all died the
same week. Oh yeah, we got to talk about French Ed McMahon too.
So once Farah had passed, unfortunately, my focus shifted to we stopped
doing stupid nerdy stuff. Nobody cares. Everybody's dying, nobody cares, nobody's
watching what we're doing. So my focus shifted after Fara unfortunately passed to Gina
Gershawn, who is about I think two or three years older than me.
Sure, who's just ridiculously sexy. And I'm always it's doing a thing.
You're fine. So I always had a thing for her, just me,
Yeah, just you. So it's the same plan now with her. I'm
going to ride this out until we're both old and gross, and then she'll
consider dating me. Is she gonna think you're the best option? At that
age she'll be out of her mind and won't know. So you're gonna wait
until someone becomes senile. Also, I don't think she's SEENI I think not
yet. Doing great. Right now, I can't approve of this plan.
I think this is a bad plan. I think it's there's some problems here.
Plan C is Susannah Hoffs who Bengals lady. She's older in me too.
Wow, it seems likely then it could happened. No, no it
can't. That's the plant. So Gina, if you're out there, I
get it now, she's watching. I get it now. There's no interest.
I'm not even interested in me. I understand why you're not. But
about ten years we're on where me and you? Gina? Uh? Church,
God, damn it. We have to end this. You need to
just stop saying things, specifically Church, most other things. See you to
see a car, I mean there's a street there at the cops. Yeah,
I saw it. Gain, Yeah there's a street. What were we
saying about ghosts? Earlier? There was a twitch question about do you believe
in ghosts? No, it was before that. I don't know. Just
wrap this up. You think I'm having fun. We just were running out
of film. What kind of what kind of cheap ass batteries did you buy
for these things? Cheap ass? But we've been going, we've been going.
It takes me the card has been getting full. Let's see, we've
been going for three hours and again we can still stay out here. How
long U till this is on the TV? On the TV? Well,
I'm gonna be out of town for four days and the biggest game of the
last fucking six years is coming out on Friday. So yeah, when you
get to play it. That's a long story. But released day along with
everyone. I hate complaining about not playing stuff on pre release, but that's
Nintendo Jail's a long story. So and you don't care. So when you
do, will you sit down for like hours and days? Breath of Wild?
I had two or three weeks early and I was literally like every day,
putting like sixteen eighteen hour days into it. Were you in the industry
then five years ago? I don't know where you might have been with the
w W oh no no no. I was a giant bomb. Yeah yeah,
okay, yeah, yep, so it was. But also if I
wasn't, I mean, it wasn't just pure old work ethic. It was
it was like I was fucking feeling like a kid again in a way I
had and then forever and uh man, yeah you knew why you know A
celebrity I used to think would like me if they had the chance to meet
me. Who's that Sheryl Crow? Why? Why would she like? He
had a lot in common? Let's hear it. She she fingers her doorknob
every night and looks at the oven knobs, and she'd write a song about
that. Yeah, that's her big hit. All I want to do is
touch the door knobs and look at make sure the fridge is shut, so
I don't waste money like energy bills too wordy. I I don't know what
she called it. It was p parenthetical. But yeah, we're both from
she's from Missouri. Okay, so we're both from Missouri. Uh huh,
both big fans of music. Both had sex with kid Rock. I don't
know she did. She just made that. Just the song made it seem
like she did did. Yeah, and it's also bad in Lance Armstrong.
Really yeah, she she picked some interesting ones, all right. Anyway,
So I guess you would, Lance Armstrong, Eric Clapton, Kid Rock you
Okay, I got two balls, no beer. It's a murderers row there,
Jesus Christ Haul Reichert, Eric Clapton, Lance Armstrong, I think you're
the least problematic. I don't know anyway, And we're about the seme Ah.
She's actually like a year too older than me. I think it worked
out. No, I don't think it would. Dad. I mean this
with all the love and respect in the world. I think she's got better
options. I don't know. She's been through the the gamut of celebrity boys.
Time for a retired mailman who has to take two hours to hype himself
up for his shower, she has the value of a cupon. I don't
think she thinks about cupons. No, I don't think Cheryl Crowe uses cupons.
That's a good question, Cheryl. No, it's not. She's watching.
Her and Gina are having a girl's night. They're watching this video together.
Paul dreaming. Ghost of Farah's here? No, not interested dead.
I don't want him. Oh man. Yeah, I kept trying to tell
everybody else in America sexy. She wasn't nobody pay attention to it. I
know you were the only one side. I kept going, look at this
poster. Did you see this fucking poster? Get that thing away from me?
Oh talking about your mom and Sheryl Tigues. Yeah, No, the
poster Oh was that the poster? Okay, yeah, I'm sure all these
folks here know who Sheryl Tigus was. Oh, I'm having a pain right
here. That's good. I hope sixty seems great. I hope we get
the video evidence of my death on a deck. Nice snort. No,
when I was a teenager, I had a poster of Sheryl Tiggs, who
was a big swimsuit model. She was on sports wholster it swimsuit issue,
blah blah blah, big sex symbol. So I had this sexy poster of
her in a swimsuit. And one day, when I was in school,
my mother made a swimsuit top, bikini top and a bikini bottom out of
some kind of cloth and taped it over her photographed bikini to make her look
less revealing. And I came home and that's what I saw in my bedroom.
And what were the songs that your mother found uh too sexual for you
to listen to? It? I remember three? Um, that's wait.
First, let's talk about the ones she did not raise an eyebrow about,
which were acdc's given the dog a bone. Let's get it up, Let's
get it up. Okay, So these no red flags but too sexual?
Were that smell by Leonard Skinner, which, yeah, it was about it
was about drug and alcohol abuse, Yes, but she didn't care to listen
to lyrics. Obviously. There was a song by Rspeedwagon called keep Pushing,
which was about you can't a spell on. I'm just what are you doing?
I'm checking the fucking the film levels that smell by Leonard skinnerd said,
oh Ario Speedwagon keep Pushing, which was about perseverance and never giving up,
not about boning boning, and uh, oh, don't do me like Tom
Petty. Don't do me like that, which was like, don't treat me
bad in a relationship, and she thought it was a sexual thing. Yeah,
so it was fun growing up Kansas. I say that, but I
had a great childhood. I did, you did? We We ranked your
decades. We did a tier list of your decades and they were a total
reverse order. It was yeah, you were ten to twenty was number one,
Zero to ten was number two, twenty thirty was number three, and
then setting decline. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Oh lord, I'm tired. Here we go. Well it's three in the
morning. No, no, it's just yeah, yeah, it's an appropect.
Time to be tired. We're out of film. For God's sake,
film we should wrap every time, trying to wrap for the last two everybody,
No, are we good to rap? I'm enjoying this. I am
two. This is great. Your voice is getting high. Ah. That's
one of my favorite memories of you. Was in San Francisco, mean abouts
of your friends and one of it. I think it was me that realized
that when you were full shit, you're lying about something or defensive. Your
voice got highed and everybody realized it was true. And you went on to
prove it throughout the night. But my voice getting high. And then we
spent we ended the evening on a rooftop eating donuts. Socrates dropped his donut.
That's so out of context. Oh god, oh lordy, Well,
folks at home, beardy man three thousand? What was the other one?
I don't remember from the north thing. I'm tired and kind of drunk.
I'm going back home tomorrow, folks. So Gina, if you're listening,
baby, I'll be in can See tomorrow. Let's do lunch. We can
come over and smoke cigarettes and do the family Guy to dance. The first
ten I'll be her first ten What a beautiful send off, say you buy
to the folks. It could happen. It's not. It's not gonna happen
soon. It's gonna take at least another ten years. Well, every room
wishes you the best of life. I'll be seventy and she'll be like seventy
two. She'll have burned through all her celebrities film money. She'll be kind
of gross. Jesus, I'll be kind of gross. We'll be gross together.
You and me, Gina, just romantic to the end. Let's get
gross together. Oh it might be bad at this. All right, Well
you want to send him off with your new cool thing, Dad, Church,
that one? Yeah, it's give one, just good, definitive one
there and tell them to say it's about time to wraps up. All right,
Dad, it's been a great night. It's been great having you here,
but I think it's time to call it a night. Church. Let's bounce