WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:03.960 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.039 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI AM six forty. 3 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:12.000 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh 4 00:00:12.039 --> 00:00:15.400 Show. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience who are here in the studio 5 00:00:15.480 --> 00:00:19.239 with me, well, at least virtually on the iPhone. If you'd like 6 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:22.399 to come into the studio as well, just go onto Instagram and go to 7 00:00:22.440 --> 00:00:26.480 doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh and come on in. I also put 8 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:30.160 the phone number up there because after this segment where I want to talk about 9 00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:35.759 signs that you're attached not actually in love, I'm going to take your calls 10 00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:40.000 for my drive by makeshift relationship advice. Be honor for me to weigh in. 11 00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:44.880 All right, before I talk about are you just attached or you actually 12 00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:49.240 in love? I want to do a very short review of attachment theory. 13 00:00:49.560 --> 00:00:54.320 Right. John Bolby, the father of attachment theory, discovered that the roots 14 00:00:54.359 --> 00:00:59.920 of personality often lie in the attachment that a young person meaning baby you're talking 15 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:06.760 had with their primary caregivers and that we grow up to fall into one or 16 00:01:06.799 --> 00:01:12.879 another category of attachment style. Now there's no right attachment style or wrong attachment 17 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:19.200 style. There's just mismatches. Right, the people who sort of trigger each 18 00:01:19.239 --> 00:01:25.359 other in their attachment style. So people who will have a secure attachment style, 19 00:01:25.840 --> 00:01:29.319 I think that's about forty percent of the population. Are people who feel 20 00:01:29.319 --> 00:01:34.439 comfortable with intimacy. They're warm, they're loving, they can exchange care very 21 00:01:34.560 --> 00:01:38.439 freely. We all want to be with them. Then they're the anxious people, 22 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:41.920 which I used to be. I was actually sort of what you call 23 00:01:42.040 --> 00:01:47.400 probably anxious ambivalent, where I picked guys who couldn't love me back, and 24 00:01:47.439 --> 00:01:49.159 then I would blame them, and then if I met a guy who actually 25 00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:52.319 could give me love, I'd say, oh, he's too nice, or 26 00:01:52.319 --> 00:01:55.560 I'd do something, you know, to break it up, or just something 27 00:01:55.599 --> 00:02:00.879 bad. Right, So the anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships. 28 00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:06.000 They worry about their partner's ability to love them back. Then there's the avoidant 29 00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:10.159 dismissive, and that's the one who needs to be independent to a flaw right 30 00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:15.199 because they're afraid of intimacy. Intimacy is too hard for them and then there's 31 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:22.840 the fearful, avoidant or disorganized, and they tend to be they're really really 32 00:02:22.840 --> 00:02:25.879 afraid of being emotionally intimate, and they don't trust others. They're very, 33 00:02:27.039 --> 00:02:30.759 very very suspicious. Okay, Now I want you to understand that people with 34 00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:38.439 an anxious attachment style get attached very easily and very quickly. They believe the 35 00:02:38.560 --> 00:02:43.800 anxiety they feel in their stomach is love because people say it is. They 36 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:46.360 say the butter Oh did they give you butterflies when you met? Uh? 37 00:02:46.759 --> 00:02:51.759 Yeah, Well for many people, that's anxiety. So they end up getting 38 00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:59.840 into these relationships where they're quite attached, but they're not really in love because 39 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:04.800 I don't have Okay. Psychologists would call it a healthy, internal working model 40 00:03:04.840 --> 00:03:07.840 of love, but basically they don't know what love feels like. They don't 41 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:13.319 know what healthy love feels like. I'll tell you you know, I've been 42 00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:19.319 very honest about my journey. I did not come to this place of knowledge 43 00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:24.919 and ability without learning experientially. That means the hard way. And I had 44 00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:30.280 an on again, off again relationship with a person with an avoidant detachment style 45 00:03:30.360 --> 00:03:35.400 for ten years. I lost ten years of my fertility window with somebody who 46 00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:38.840 couldn't love me back in the way that I deserve to be loved now. 47 00:03:39.400 --> 00:03:44.599 He ended up marrying someone who I met a couple times who was as avoidant 48 00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:49.159 as him. So they probably have a perfectly happy life living like two roommates 49 00:03:49.159 --> 00:03:52.120 in their house. Nobody touches any tender areas. They just stay in the 50 00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:54.960 public areas. All good works for them, there's no right or wrong. 51 00:03:55.800 --> 00:04:00.960 But for me, I was constantly being triggered because I just think we'd get 52 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:03.520 close, we'd make love, and I think, oh, this is ed, 53 00:04:03.639 --> 00:04:08.759 He's gonna finally and then he'd disappear for weeks and not call me your 54 00:04:08.759 --> 00:04:12.960 text, and of course I would act cool like nobody could see that I 55 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:15.719 was hurting, even though I was crying into my pillow at night over this. 56 00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:19.600 So people with an attachment style like I used to have, I know 57 00:04:19.639 --> 00:04:23.079 you're saying, how did you heal? I healed by therapy. I went 58 00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:26.680 to therapy for years and years, and I figured it out. I also 59 00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:30.680 created a very secure attachment with my children. And there's research to show this 60 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:33.639 that if you can practice attachment parenting where your baby's sleep, with your baby's 61 00:04:33.639 --> 00:04:38.279 breastfeeding for a long time. Kids never leave. They don't abandon you. 62 00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:40.439 Trust me, You want them to leave at a certain point, and they 63 00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:44.800 don't. And so I think I healed partly through that too. All Right, 64 00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:48.040 do you wonder if you're just attached and not in love? Well, 65 00:04:48.040 --> 00:04:56.199 I think the biggest sign is that your fear of being alone overrides everything else. 66 00:04:56.920 --> 00:04:59.600 In other words, if you are afraid to be single, so you're 67 00:04:59.639 --> 00:05:02.639 staying in a bad relationship. You're attached, but you're not in love. 68 00:05:03.639 --> 00:05:08.720 So think about it, is the biggest thing that's keeping you there, the 69 00:05:08.759 --> 00:05:15.000 fact that you don't want to be single, that's a sign. Another sign 70 00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:25.480 something that I had constantly. You consistently wish for more intimacy, more emotional 71 00:05:25.519 --> 00:05:31.120 closeness, more tender moments during sex, the befours and the afters, the 72 00:05:31.160 --> 00:05:34.319 four plays, in the after plays, that's where the intimacy is, right, 73 00:05:34.839 --> 00:05:39.680 you're wishing for it all the time. You're being in love with hope 74 00:05:40.120 --> 00:05:44.399 that hope it'll happen. Well, if you're always wishing for intimacy and it's 75 00:05:44.439 --> 00:05:50.120 not there, you're attached, you're probably not in love. How about you 76 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:56.000 depend on them for everything? You have made this person your best friend, 77 00:05:56.639 --> 00:06:02.360 your family member, your main human interaction person, and you're so afraid that 78 00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:06.720 if you lost them, you would lose your world. That's too much attachment. 79 00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:12.399 That's called enmeshed where nobody can remember whose problem is who's or you can't 80 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.959 live without the person that's enmeshed. A healthy attachment, you have a wide 81 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:20.160 range of social circle and friends, and your lover is one part of that. 82 00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:27.519 Right. How about are you in a relationship where you're afraid to say 83 00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:31.000 everything that you're feeling. You're holding things back and you change your personality a 84 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:35.759 bit because you're afraid they'll abandon you. Then you're attached, but you're not 85 00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:41.920 in love. Because when you're in love, you feel safe and secure to 86 00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:46.959 be yourself and say anything you need to say. And the biggest one is 87 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:53.560 you feel stagnant. You're not growing together, right, It's just like you're 88 00:06:53.600 --> 00:07:00.399 both there like roommates, but you're not really growing You're not talking about your 89 00:07:00.439 --> 00:07:05.720 feelings, your goals together, how you're changing, what you're experiencing. If 90 00:07:05.759 --> 00:07:10.040 you notice that some of these signs that i've gone over sound like you, 91 00:07:11.319 --> 00:07:15.199 then I'm going to advise you actually to break up because I learned that way, 92 00:07:15.480 --> 00:07:21.079 you just gotta jump jump into the single world and don't become quickly attached 93 00:07:21.079 --> 00:07:25.040 to the next person that comes along. Take some time, get to know 94 00:07:25.160 --> 00:07:28.759 yourself, get to know people. But there are a lot of people in 95 00:07:28.959 --> 00:07:31.319 very unhappy relationships, and some of them for years and years and years. 96 00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:34.759 We love to judge relationships based on duration, right, We'll be like, 97 00:07:34.920 --> 00:07:39.639 well, they were together ten years as a successful relationship. No, somebody 98 00:07:39.720 --> 00:07:42.720 was longing the whole time and the other person was avoiding. That's not a 99 00:07:42.720 --> 00:07:47.000 successful relationship. When we come back, I am going to be taking your 100 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:51.199 calls, and I also want to tell you why I told you to leave. 101 00:07:51.519 --> 00:07:56.639 There's research on this that just leaving will make you happier, just making 102 00:07:56.639 --> 00:07:59.279 a decision instead of stuck in indecision. Hey, when we come back, 103 00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:01.000 I'm taking your call. The number is one eight hundred and five two zero 104 00:08:01.120 --> 00:08:05.920 one kf I. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four, 105 00:08:07.240 --> 00:08:09.920 or you can leave a DM on Instagram. You are listening to the 106 00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:13.720 Doctor Anddy Wealsh Show and kf I am six forty eight live everywhere on the 107 00:08:13.759 --> 00:08:20.199 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KF. I 108 00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:24.839 am six forty. K F I am six forty. You have doctor Wendy 109 00:08:24.879 --> 00:08:28.600 Walsh with you. This is the doctor Endy Wells Show. This is my 110 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:33.639 drive by makeshift relationship advice. Before I take this call, I do want 111 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:39.159 to say that I told you too. If you were indecisive indecisive about whether 112 00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:41.720 to leave your partner. You probably were shocked that I said just leave. 113 00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:45.840 But guess what. There was a study done in twenty twenty published in the 114 00:08:45.879 --> 00:08:48.720 Review of Economics that simply they asked a bunch of people who had to make 115 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:52.200 a major life decision from leaving a job or leaving a spouse, to simply 116 00:08:52.279 --> 00:08:58.399 flip a coin and they promised to do whatever the coin said. Heads, 117 00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:03.159 you leave of your job, leave your spouse, tails you stick it out. 118 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:05.759 Six months later, they caught up with all the people and guess what 119 00:09:05.799 --> 00:09:11.679 they found out? Everybody who left was happier. See. It's being stuck 120 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:20.120 in indecisive indecisiveness on the fence that's so hard. Psychologists call it analysis paralysis, 121 00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:24.240 where you're always listing pros and cons. Oh my gosh, it's a 122 00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:28.360 terrible place to be. So just leave. You'll be happier if you're attached 123 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:30.879 and not in love. As I was saying before, Okay, you'd like 124 00:09:30.919 --> 00:09:33.720 to call in the numbers one eight hundred five two zero one K five. 125 00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:39.600 That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Okay, producer 126 00:09:39.679 --> 00:09:41.639 Kayla, who do we got? We have Susan with a question. Susan, 127 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:46.080 Hi, Susan, It's doctor Wendy. Susan. Are you with us? 128 00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:50.559 Yes? I am? I am, Hi Amy, I can now 129 00:09:50.679 --> 00:09:54.360 what's your question? Love, M Yes, I am. Have been talking 130 00:09:54.480 --> 00:09:58.000 till Man for about three months. Now. What do you mean talking to 131 00:09:58.600 --> 00:10:03.879 for three months? Dating? Um? You know, like going out to 132 00:10:03.960 --> 00:10:07.320 dinner, you know, getting so seeing. When you say talking, I'm 133 00:10:07.320 --> 00:10:09.519 thinking telephone and tax You're in the real world. You're dating a man for 134 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:16.919 three months? Okay, good. So basically what happens is um, in 135 00:10:16.080 --> 00:10:20.480 the beginning, UM, he was, you know, calling on the phone, 136 00:10:20.039 --> 00:10:24.480 and we're communicating other than you know, going out to eat and getting 137 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:28.720 to know each other. Um. Nothing physical has happened between us, UM 138 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:33.879 since that time, you know, occasional hugs or whatever. But at the 139 00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:37.679 same time, um, Uh, within about a month of him talking to 140 00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:43.960 us, talking, he told me that he was um pursuing two women. 141 00:10:43.639 --> 00:10:48.919 And what happened is once he started, I guess talking to me. He 142 00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:52.799 claims that he told them it was over, you know, like he's so 143 00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:56.799 two other women. He says, he's dating two other women besides you. 144 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:01.519 He was, and then he told you. But don't worry. I broke 145 00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:07.360 up with them when I met you. Yes, okay, yes, But 146 00:11:07.399 --> 00:11:13.240 then the last two or three weeks, I've noticed that the phone calls are 147 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:20.080 lessened and it's basically mostly texting now. And it's crazy because you know, 148 00:11:20.120 --> 00:11:22.320 I told them. I told him, you know, you could call me 149 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:26.240 anytime alive by myself, blah blah blah. You know, I have no 150 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:31.120 attachments. He doesn't want me to see anyone else, he claims, he 151 00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:35.759 wants it to be just him and I. But then there's not communication. 152 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:41.639 Yeah, there's no phone calls on a regular It's now you're saying, how 153 00:11:41.679 --> 00:11:45.200 to get him to pursue you again? Let me tell you how. I 154 00:11:45.200 --> 00:11:48.000 don't even know. I don't even know is it pursuing or is he still 155 00:11:48.039 --> 00:11:52.519 confused or is he probably still seeing those people? All could be happening, 156 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:54.759 But you know what your concern should be you and your feelings to this, 157 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:58.639 not you know, he could be seeing those other women, he could be 158 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:03.240 pulling away, etc. I saw this really cute TikTok today. It was 159 00:12:03.720 --> 00:12:09.679 a guy who said all women are angels, but angels live in heaven. 160 00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:13.879 If men want a woman to be an angel, they better make heaven for 161 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:16.679 her. I was like, oh, yeah, exactly. So he's not 162 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:20.799 making heaven for you, Susan. So here's what you need to do. 163 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:26.240 First of all, when he texts, do you text back? Sometimes I've 164 00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:28.720 been trying to, Yeah, not text back because I'm thinking, okay, 165 00:12:28.759 --> 00:12:33.000 maybe if I don't text your call. Yeah exactly. So here's the thing. 166 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.440 You know, he says to you, I don't want you to see 167 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.960 other people. He has no right to control you. He has no right 168 00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:41.480 to say that. If he's out pursuing other women, you can let him 169 00:12:41.519 --> 00:12:46.320 believe that you're being chased by other men. So therefore, don't say I'm 170 00:12:46.320 --> 00:12:50.279 sitting here waiting for you. You just be busy when he texts. Let 171 00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:56.360 me tell you this little trick. So let's say he texts you and I 172 00:12:56.440 --> 00:13:01.519 want you to wait a few hours before you text back, and then start 173 00:13:01.559 --> 00:13:05.039 to stretch out the time between the texts. If he takes four hours to 174 00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:09.559 text you back, you take six hours next time, because what you're doing 175 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:15.320 is creating a rubber band that you're stretching out the time, and he's now 176 00:13:15.759 --> 00:13:20.120 seeing that you're leaving, and so he's going to pull back in right when 177 00:13:20.120 --> 00:13:24.960 he sees that. But I do want to say this, Just don't text 178 00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:30.200 that much, like just and don't tell him to call. Just wait it 179 00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:31.679 out and he'll eventually call, because he'd be like, where you go? 180 00:13:31.960 --> 00:13:35.360 What happened? I thought she was waiting for me, and now she's not 181 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:39.120 right. We all want what we have to work for. We all want 182 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:43.480 what we have to work for. And Susan, you need to give him 183 00:13:43.519 --> 00:13:50.000 the opportunity and the privilege to earn your affection, to earn your love. 184 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:52.919 Don't give it away at the beginning by saying I'm sitting here waiting for you. 185 00:13:52.960 --> 00:13:56.000 Why aren't you calling? You just go on with your life. You 186 00:13:56.120 --> 00:14:00.600 surround yourself by people who make you feel fabulous. You find other men to 187 00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:03.279 go out with. Don't worry about him. He'll come back around. You 188 00:14:03.320 --> 00:14:07.759 don't owe him anything because you haven't had sex with him. Yet once you've 189 00:14:07.759 --> 00:14:09.840 had sex. And by the way, you should have the conversation about sexual 190 00:14:09.879 --> 00:14:15.759 exclusivity before you have sex for the first time. But you got this, 191 00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:18.200 Susan. You just need to raise your self esteem and not worried. Don't 192 00:14:18.519 --> 00:14:22.840 try to analyze him. Just ask yourself does this feel good to be? 193 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:26.799 Oh? It doesn't. I'm moving on. Thanks for calling, Susan. 194 00:14:26.960 --> 00:14:30.000 If you'd like to call in the numbers one eight hundred five to zero, 195 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:33.320 one five three four. But I do want to go to social media because 196 00:14:33.320 --> 00:14:39.159 I see all these messages coming in. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, 197 00:14:39.639 --> 00:14:45.039 I found an engagement ring. Oh, my boyfriend bought about six months ago, 198 00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:50.360 so you found it six months ago. He still hasn't proposed or even 199 00:14:50.440 --> 00:14:56.679 given me any hints that he's planning on proposing. I ask questions like when 200 00:14:56.720 --> 00:14:58.600 do you want to get married? And he says, I'm focused on this 201 00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:03.960 promote right now? Should I say I found the ring? Do you think 202 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:07.759 he changed his mind? All right? You need to stop analyzing him and 203 00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:11.879 ask yourself what you want. Do you want to marry this dude? And 204 00:15:13.679 --> 00:15:16.080 I hope you're not living together first of all, because he has no reason 205 00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:18.080 to marry. If you're living together, he's getting the milk for free. 206 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:22.919 So I don't think you should tell him that you found the ring. In 207 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:24.919 fact, I think you should forget about the ring. I mean the ring 208 00:15:26.360 --> 00:15:31.360 could be his grandmother's heirloom that he's keeping for somebody some day. I think 209 00:15:31.600 --> 00:15:35.919 that if you want to get married, that you need to have a conversation. 210 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:41.159 That is a relationship game plan. I do not believe in ultimatums. 211 00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:45.279 Ultimatums are trying to get somebody to do something, But I do believe in 212 00:15:45.320 --> 00:15:50.600 boundaries. Boundaries are how what you will accept and what you will not accept. 213 00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:56.039 If the relationship is basically happy and you're not near the end of your 214 00:15:56.080 --> 00:16:00.600 fertility window, then maybe you can accept waiting for longer. Fund the other 215 00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:03.200 hand, you're twenty nine, thirty, thirty one, thirty two, god 216 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:07.200 forbid, thirty six and you're going to get this done. Then you're going 217 00:16:07.279 --> 00:16:11.559 to say, hey, I hope to be engaged within the next three months, 218 00:16:11.720 --> 00:16:14.360 and if that doesn't look like the game plan for you, then I'm 219 00:16:14.399 --> 00:16:17.480 going to make plans to move out, to move on, whatever it may 220 00:16:17.519 --> 00:16:21.279 be. That's different from an ultimatum. This is you saying, these are 221 00:16:21.279 --> 00:16:25.519 my boundaries and this is going to be my reaction if you treat me that 222 00:16:25.559 --> 00:16:26.879 way. It's a subtle difference, but it's a big difference. You're not 223 00:16:26.879 --> 00:16:33.200 trying to manipulate somebody. You're trying to understand what you will tolerate and what 224 00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:38.320 your reaction will be. Dear Doctor Wendy, I love this one. I 225 00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:44.320 hate my girlfriend's cooking. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings? 226 00:16:45.679 --> 00:16:48.759 I've got an answer when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor 227 00:16:48.759 --> 00:16:52.639 Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 228 00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:59.960 app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM sixty 229 00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:03.079 five AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is 230 00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:07.000 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I know you guys are shy. You're not 231 00:17:07.079 --> 00:17:12.160 calling in because these are tender topics. You're posting them on my dms though 232 00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:15.640 I see them all coming in on Instagram TikTok. If you want to follow 233 00:17:15.640 --> 00:17:19.240 me, the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at dr Wendy Walsh. 234 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:23.920 Okay, A listener writes, doctor Wendy, I hate my girlfriend's cooking. 235 00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:27.279 How can I tell her without hurting her feelings? Kayla, do you 236 00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:30.599 know what I'm gonna say? What are you going to say? I don't 237 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:36.759 know, cook for her? Cook for you? What the heck? What 238 00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:40.599 the heck? All you do is get in the kitchen and do it yourself. 239 00:17:41.240 --> 00:17:44.400 Or you could say, honey, just for fun, lets you and 240 00:17:44.440 --> 00:17:47.640 I take a cooking course together. I want to get better at cooking and 241 00:17:47.799 --> 00:17:51.759 see then she'll learn. You know, ke Taller, she's a bad cook. 242 00:17:52.079 --> 00:17:55.599 You're just gonna show her what good cookies and you're gonna feed her well. 243 00:17:56.880 --> 00:18:00.440 Dear doctor Wendy, my husband is doing a complete career change and I 244 00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:04.400 don't support it. That's a big relationship problem. He's a very successful lawyer 245 00:18:04.440 --> 00:18:10.799 and now he wants to look at into becoming a professional boxer. That's a 246 00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:14.880 big career change. I'm terrified. We have young children. How can I 247 00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:19.000 compromise? Well, this would be a great opportunity for the two of you 248 00:18:19.119 --> 00:18:23.440 to go to couple's therapy and talk about what your fears really are, because 249 00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:27.079 it sounds like, on face value, your fears are mostly financial, right, 250 00:18:27.160 --> 00:18:32.279 it's like it sounds like a professional boxer doesn't make enough money unless like 251 00:18:32.359 --> 00:18:36.000 they win right a lot and they don't have any brain cells left because they 252 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:37.279 get hit in the head. I don't know, so it might be fears 253 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:41.640 of him getting hurt, fears of him being able to support, etc. 254 00:18:41.880 --> 00:18:45.920 I think the two of you need to go to couple's therapy because this is 255 00:18:45.920 --> 00:18:51.440 one of those really important life decisions. On the other hand, you know 256 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:55.319 what, every human being gets to find themselves and be what they want to 257 00:18:55.319 --> 00:19:00.319 be when they want to be. So I kind of side with him too. 258 00:19:00.319 --> 00:19:03.240 If he really hates work in those long hours at the law firm and 259 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:07.960 he hates reading contracts and documents all day and he's happy in the boxing ring, 260 00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:11.279 you know, maybe there's a way you guys together choose to downgrade your 261 00:19:11.279 --> 00:19:15.799 life, or maybe you ramp up your career a bit and he takes care 262 00:19:15.799 --> 00:19:18.440 of the sun. There's lots of flexibility, but you got to go together 263 00:19:18.759 --> 00:19:22.279 to couples therapy to work it out. There's no one right answer, but 264 00:19:22.359 --> 00:19:26.480 if your children are small, finding a way to stay together would be the 265 00:19:26.519 --> 00:19:32.039 answer I would give Hi, Doctor Wendy. I took this woman I've been 266 00:19:32.119 --> 00:19:37.880 dating dancing, and she danced with other guys the entire night. She said 267 00:19:37.960 --> 00:19:41.480 she wouldn't have minded if I danced with other women. I find her actions 268 00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:48.599 disrespectful. Am I insecure or spot on? Well? I would say that 269 00:19:48.599 --> 00:19:52.400 the two of you have different attachment styles. You see, somebody who has 270 00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:56.599 an avoidant attachment style is afraid of closeness and intimacy and dancing can feel close 271 00:19:56.640 --> 00:20:00.839 and intimate with you. So she's gonna down the milk, spread it around 272 00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:03.759 the room and tell you, oh, it's okay. You can dance with 273 00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:08.680 other women too, but you may have a little more anxiety and you want 274 00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:14.440 closeness and all. You're both right, but you got to talk about it. 275 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:19.079 I mean, disrespectful sounds like, oh, she should just do everything 276 00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:22.839 I say because I'm the man and I want her to be with me. 277 00:20:22.200 --> 00:20:26.720 And that's not cool either. But look, if you didn't like what happened, 278 00:20:26.519 --> 00:20:30.720 don't go out with her again, Like why do you put? I 279 00:20:30.759 --> 00:20:33.079 always say to people, like, you know, you're with this person and 280 00:20:33.119 --> 00:20:34.799 they do this, and I don't like it, and they do that and 281 00:20:34.839 --> 00:20:41.400 I don't like it, and they're basically asking me doctor Wendy, how do 282 00:20:41.519 --> 00:20:48.400 I get them to change? That is the wrong question. The right question 283 00:20:48.720 --> 00:20:55.640 is how can I learn to either accept them or leave? That's really what 284 00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:59.920 we should all be doing in our relationships. We should let the relationship win 285 00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:03.480 in any conflict. You know that ethicist in the New York Times. I 286 00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:07.119 read his column and I just love it. He's a philosophy guy, and 287 00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:11.640 people write in relationship questions, And this week it was about a banan appeal. 288 00:21:11.880 --> 00:21:14.880 This woman says she's driving the car. Her husband on the passenger side, 289 00:21:14.920 --> 00:21:17.480 rolls down the window on the freeway throws out a banana peel unto the 290 00:21:17.519 --> 00:21:19.599 asphalt. She tells him that's littering, and that's bad. He says, 291 00:21:19.680 --> 00:21:23.079 is biodegradable. She goes and finds a whole bunch of articles to say how 292 00:21:23.160 --> 00:21:26.799 dangerous it is, could hit a motorcyclist in the face, It isn't doesn't 293 00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:30.079 really biodegrade fast, and blah blah blah. And so she's so mad about 294 00:21:30.079 --> 00:21:34.440 this whole banan appeal thing. And his response was, don't you have anything 295 00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:38.039 better to do with your time? No. I love the answer of the 296 00:21:38.079 --> 00:21:41.000 ethicist. I read it out loud to Julio. We were driving the car 297 00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:44.039 and I read this whole thing out loud. I go, what do you 298 00:21:44.039 --> 00:21:45.359 think the ethicist is going to say? And he said, well, first 299 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:48.720 of all, I want to hear what doctor Wendy would say, and I'd 300 00:21:48.720 --> 00:21:52.960 say, the banana appeal is a metaphor for control, and they are in 301 00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:59.799 a power struggle in their relationship. First of all, she's driving the car. 302 00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:03.440 She's now hammering him with information and articles about how he should change his 303 00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:07.960 behavior. I think she's trying to control him a lot during the whole marriage, 304 00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:12.359 and he's using his one little moment of freedom, the cracked window and 305 00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:18.359 the banana peel to go see, I'm my own person, right And anyway, 306 00:22:18.359 --> 00:22:22.400 that at this has said the same thing, like basically, yeah, 307 00:22:22.440 --> 00:22:25.960 it's wrong to throw the banana peel at the thing. But he's obviously making 308 00:22:25.960 --> 00:22:30.599 a statement for a reason. There's something deeper going on in the relationship. 309 00:22:30.519 --> 00:22:34.599 So if she's dancing with other guys and you're trying to control her, I 310 00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:41.000 would worry. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I have a habit of buying 311 00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:45.559 people gifts, but they never buy me anything in return. Oh, I 312 00:22:45.640 --> 00:22:49.240 feel like no one cares about me the way I care about them. How 313 00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:55.440 can I get through this? Well, let's analyze the gift giving. Why 314 00:22:55.519 --> 00:22:57.559 are you giving the gifts. I know you're gonna say, oh, because 315 00:22:57.559 --> 00:23:02.359 I like them and it makes me happy when they're happy. No, it's 316 00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:06.400 because you're trying to get them attached to you, because you likely have an 317 00:23:06.440 --> 00:23:10.839 anxious attachment style. And here's the crazy thing about life. I used to 318 00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:14.720 be one of you. We always find the people who are more avoidant, 319 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:18.240 and we try to get them to love us, get them to give us 320 00:23:18.240 --> 00:23:22.880 the gifts back. It's this whole thing. If we can just get them 321 00:23:22.920 --> 00:23:26.519 to behave, then we will love ourselves. Then we will feel lovable. 322 00:23:26.960 --> 00:23:33.119 At least, you're aware enough to say, I feel like no one cares 323 00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:38.279 about me the way I care about them. And my answer is, why 324 00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:42.519 do you care for somebody who doesn't care for you? Right, we have 325 00:23:42.599 --> 00:23:49.400 to go slowly in our new relationships and look for something called reciprocity. You 326 00:23:49.519 --> 00:23:53.400 give a little, you watch they give a little back. You give a 327 00:23:53.400 --> 00:23:57.720 little, they give a little back. What happens with you, I'm guessing 328 00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:02.400 because I used to do it, is you give a lot, they give 329 00:24:02.440 --> 00:24:04.039 nothing. So you give more and they still give nothing, and you give 330 00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:07.720 more. It's not the way it should work. It should be even Stephen 331 00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:12.680 reciprocity. All right, I'm going to wrap it up. Listen. If 332 00:24:12.680 --> 00:24:15.440 you want to get more of me, you can always listen to the Doctor 333 00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:18.200 Wendy Weals Show. I'm not wrapping up the whole show. I got to 334 00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:22.039 get to some other things. Bad relationship advice that friends give all the time. 335 00:24:22.119 --> 00:24:26.559 I hear it all the time and it just makes the hair grow stand 336 00:24:26.640 --> 00:24:30.160 up on my spine when I hear this. But also you can follow me 337 00:24:30.200 --> 00:24:33.200 on social media at doctor Wendy Walsh. You can join my Patreon. We 338 00:24:33.240 --> 00:24:37.480 have zoom grooms on Wednesdays. You can also listen to the Doctor Wendy Walsh 339 00:24:37.599 --> 00:24:41.480 Show on demand anytime on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, when we come back. 340 00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:48.279 Bad relationship advice that friends give all the time. I know you've heard 341 00:24:48.279 --> 00:24:52.920 all these things if you're single, and I'm going to tell you ignore this 342 00:24:53.160 --> 00:24:57.079 advice. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I Am 343 00:24:57.079 --> 00:25:03.880 six forty with Live Everywhere the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 344 00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:07.759 on demand from KF I Am sixty, KF I Am six forty. You 345 00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:11.160 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the home stretch of the Doctor 346 00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:14.440 Wendy Walsh Show. Oh, producer, Kayla, why does it go so 347 00:25:14.519 --> 00:25:18.759 fast? It flies by after dark? Get on a roll and I want 348 00:25:18.759 --> 00:25:21.839 to go on and on and on. All right. I have to admit 349 00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:29.119 something. It's really difficult for me to be out in social situations and over 350 00:25:29.319 --> 00:25:34.359 here people giving bad relationship advice to other people. And you know, I 351 00:25:34.720 --> 00:25:38.839 try as hard as I can to bite my tongue and I'm not insulted. 352 00:25:38.839 --> 00:25:42.039 It's not like they should defer to me or anything. But I'm always just 353 00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:47.240 like a maze that people believe these myths and share it with other people. 354 00:25:47.599 --> 00:25:51.799 And it happened twice this week. One I was out for a dinner party 355 00:25:51.799 --> 00:25:56.519 with some just all girlfriends, and one girlfriend had met a new guy that 356 00:25:56.599 --> 00:26:00.440 she met on an app and she had I think she'd had one or two 357 00:26:00.519 --> 00:26:03.599 dates with him, and and she said, well, we'll find out. 358 00:26:03.640 --> 00:26:08.000 It's early. You know, it takes time, and there goes here comes 359 00:26:08.039 --> 00:26:12.319 the bad relationship with voice advice. The next woman says yeah, but you 360 00:26:12.359 --> 00:26:15.319 know, if you get those butterflies right at the beginning, you know, 361 00:26:15.519 --> 00:26:18.480 you just know. And if you don't have that from the beginning, then 362 00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:23.559 you don't know. I know. And my friend had a very quick She 363 00:26:23.640 --> 00:26:29.319 goes, well, if he voted for you know who, then for sure 364 00:26:29.440 --> 00:26:32.640 I'm not going to date him the third date if I find out that there's 365 00:26:32.680 --> 00:26:37.839 all kinds of other stuff. Right. So then I was out with another 366 00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:41.480 different, completely different group, and a woman was telling me how she had 367 00:26:41.519 --> 00:26:47.759 gone retrosexual my word, meaning she'd reconnected with actually a college boyfriend. And 368 00:26:47.799 --> 00:26:52.599 now it's many years later, they've both been through their marriages and and and 369 00:26:52.799 --> 00:26:56.039 I saying, like, meeting someone when you're older is so great because you 370 00:26:56.079 --> 00:27:00.839 can talk about your feelings. And I was sharing about out my love relationship 371 00:27:00.880 --> 00:27:06.079 with Julio and how open we are and authentic. And here comes the bad 372 00:27:06.079 --> 00:27:11.480 relationship advice. Another friend says, all that talking takes the romance away. 373 00:27:11.920 --> 00:27:15.920 Isn't it better to have a little mystery? No, that's how probably how 374 00:27:15.960 --> 00:27:19.759 an avoidant person would talk. Okay, here's the bad relationship advice that I 375 00:27:19.799 --> 00:27:26.359 hear a lot. Stop being so picky. That's what married girlfriends say to 376 00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:34.480 single girlfriends, stop being so picky. Actually, I think having standards about 377 00:27:34.480 --> 00:27:40.559 how somebody treats you and values you is important. It's how you find the 378 00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:45.160 right one by eliminating most. It's a game of elimination, and in order 379 00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:48.759 to find that needle in the haystack, you gotta move all the pieces of 380 00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:52.680 straw to get to that. So stay by and picky. Don't listen to 381 00:27:52.680 --> 00:27:56.680 that advice. All right, here's another thing they say, Well, you 382 00:27:56.720 --> 00:28:00.079 know, oh, this is kind of like what the friend said, you 383 00:28:00.119 --> 00:28:02.720 know in your heart on the first date, when you know, you just 384 00:28:02.880 --> 00:28:08.799 know right, no, stop. It takes time for an attraction to grow 385 00:28:10.319 --> 00:28:15.079 a lot of time, and in fact, research has shown there's something called 386 00:28:15.200 --> 00:28:18.160 the mere exposure effect, and that means the more time you spend somebody, 387 00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:22.559 the more you start to like them. In fact, every arranged marriage in 388 00:28:22.599 --> 00:28:27.079 the world is a succumb to the exposure effect. You just get used to 389 00:28:27.119 --> 00:28:30.640 them, right. You know, arranged marriages only have a four percent divorce 390 00:28:30.759 --> 00:28:34.480 rate and romantic marriages have a fifty percent divorce rates, So go figure that 391 00:28:34.480 --> 00:28:38.400 out. It takes time to grow, so forget about this. When you 392 00:28:38.519 --> 00:28:44.119 know you just know, along the same lines, they might say something like 393 00:28:44.160 --> 00:28:47.400 this, you know, if you're not feeling sparks on the first date, 394 00:28:47.839 --> 00:28:52.720 that they're not the one. You know what those sparks are for people with 395 00:28:52.759 --> 00:28:56.079 an anxious attachment style, their anxiety we call it butterflies in our stomach. 396 00:28:56.160 --> 00:29:03.319 It's not it's your stomach saying red flag flag, move away, and so 397 00:29:03.279 --> 00:29:10.160 sparks, fireworks, butterflies. That means you're anxious. It doesn't necessarily mean 398 00:29:10.200 --> 00:29:15.720 you're feeling love. All right. Here's the other advice that you know, 399 00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:18.480 they try to tell people just to cool it, and they say, you 400 00:29:18.559 --> 00:29:22.440 know it'll. Love will just happen for you when you least expect it. 401 00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:26.960 In fact, it's when you're not looking that you'll meet that person. I'm 402 00:29:27.000 --> 00:29:33.640 sorry, this is so wrong. Everything else you accomplished in your life you 403 00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:37.440 accomplish because you put your mind to it and you did all the things. 404 00:29:37.480 --> 00:29:41.640 For instance, if you're just going to work and just you know, hanging 405 00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:45.079 out with yourself, you're not going to meet anybody. You're going through life 406 00:29:45.119 --> 00:29:48.720 with blinders on. If you're going to the gym, because you know that 407 00:29:48.720 --> 00:29:52.119 that gets you in shape for the mating marketplace. If you wear your little 408 00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:55.400 heels. Not if you're a guy, I don't know. Maybe maybe cowboy 409 00:29:55.400 --> 00:29:56.559 boots to the little taller I don't know. But if you're you know, 410 00:29:57.079 --> 00:30:02.279 got good posture and you're well roomed because you're thinking this might be the day, 411 00:30:02.759 --> 00:30:06.440 that's how you meet someone. Not oh well, it'll just happen. 412 00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:10.440 If it happens, it happens. When I hear that, if it happens, 413 00:30:10.559 --> 00:30:15.319 it happened. Love doesn't happen. You make it happen. You'll be 414 00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:18.119 in the right situation at the right time and create that opportunity. Love does 415 00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:23.599 not just drop out of the sky. Okay, here's another myth. Look 416 00:30:23.640 --> 00:30:26.920 it, you're being so picky and you know people change. Just give them 417 00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:30.319 some time. Why do I put on that accent whenever I give the bad 418 00:30:30.359 --> 00:30:36.559 advice? Give them some time. That's a good bad advice accent. If 419 00:30:36.640 --> 00:30:38.880 you are in love with Hope and I want to admit this, Okay, 420 00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.000 I was in love with Hope over and over and over, that avoidant guy 421 00:30:44.119 --> 00:30:47.559 for ten years. I was in love with Hope. I was in love 422 00:30:47.680 --> 00:30:52.240 with his potential. I was in love with who I think he could be, 423 00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:59.920 but not with who he was at that moment right. Sure, people 424 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:03.319 can change, but when you're dating somebody, you better like what you see 425 00:31:03.799 --> 00:31:10.920 right now, right now. Okay, So please don't listen to those friends. 426 00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:15.440 Okay, don't listen to them. That's all bad advice. You need 427 00:31:15.480 --> 00:31:18.200 to be proactive. You need to look your best, you need to feel 428 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:22.319 your best. You need to say no to those that don't make you feel 429 00:31:22.359 --> 00:31:27.400 great, and you need to take your time getting to know somebody. That's 430 00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:32.400 how you find love. And I took my own advice and I'm not gonna 431 00:31:32.440 --> 00:31:37.480 lie. It worked. And that brings the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show to a 432 00:31:37.599 --> 00:31:40.240 close. If you'd like to stay in touch with me all week, I'm 433 00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:45.200 on social media and my handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh. 434 00:31:45.440 --> 00:31:48.240 You can also join my Patreon group. We have a live zoom room 435 00:31:48.240 --> 00:31:49.720 at every Wednesday at six thirty where we talk about it's kind of like a 436 00:31:49.759 --> 00:31:55.160 book group. We just talk about the research on love and it's a it's 437 00:31:55.160 --> 00:31:56.759 a great group. They're all from all over the world. It's really fun. 438 00:31:56.839 --> 00:32:00.720 So you just go to patreon dot com slash dot Wendy Welsh for that. 439 00:32:00.279 --> 00:32:05.079 But I'm always here for you on KFI Am six forty every Sunday from 440 00:32:05.119 --> 00:32:08.759 seven to nine pm. I wish you love in the world. Thanks for 441 00:32:08.839 --> 00:32:14.640 being with me. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always 442 00:32:14.640 --> 00:32:17.000 hear us live on kf I Am six forty from seven to nine pm on 443 00:32:17.119 --> 00:32:21.720 Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.