WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.320 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio Appy Am six forty. You 3 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:13.199 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 4 00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:20.760 Haylo, you know what last week was your birthdam I have to tell you 5 00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:24.359 a funny story. I was out at eight like a dinner thing. It 6 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:27.280 was a vineyard thing. It was outdoors with a bunch of you know, 7 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:32.000 grown up people. I'm not shy, but my age. And there in 8 00:00:32.039 --> 00:00:39.799 the garden doing photo opportunities was the most beautiful young sixteen year old girl and 9 00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:46.240 her gaggle of sixteen year old friends. And she had two giant pink balloons 10 00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:51.240 and one was a number one and one was a number six, and together 11 00:00:51.320 --> 00:00:56.039 they made the number sixteen. And my daughter looked at me and said, 12 00:00:56.119 --> 00:01:02.320 Mom, go ask her for her numbers. Just switch him around. And 13 00:01:02.600 --> 00:01:06.040 I did. I ran up to her and said, congratulations, happy birthday. 14 00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:08.159 It's my birthday too. Cannot borrow those numbers because I'm exactly in the 15 00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:15.680 opposite. I'll send you that picture. Kayla web page. Yes, please 16 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:19.159 celebrating. It's very funny. I'm laughing anyway. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy 17 00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:22.760 Well Show if you new to my show. I have a PhD in clinical 18 00:01:22.760 --> 00:01:26.959 psychology. I'm a psychology professor at California State University, Channel Islands, and 19 00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:30.359 I know my students are very excited because this week coming is our last sort 20 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:36.959 of in person class time before we head into final exams. So chug a 21 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:40.719 lug, chugg a lug. The semester's ending, and congratulations to those of 22 00:01:40.760 --> 00:01:45.920 my students who are actually graduating soon. It's very, very exciting. In 23 00:01:46.239 --> 00:01:49.840 my personal life, I like to read a lot about the science of love. 24 00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:56.239 I've written three books on relationships. My dissertation was on attachment theory, 25 00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:01.239 and I think about attachment style pretty much all the time because it influences every 26 00:02:01.239 --> 00:02:05.879 conversation I have. Not that we're talking about it, but I'm paying attention 27 00:02:05.920 --> 00:02:08.800 to the signals and cues that people are giving me that let me know what 28 00:02:08.840 --> 00:02:13.800 their attachment style is, so I know what their needs are like. If 29 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:16.080 they're avoidant, they need a little distance, don't get too intimate and close. 30 00:02:16.719 --> 00:02:20.439 If they crave intimacy, I'll sense that too, and I'll know to 31 00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:23.960 be warm and close and cuddly, because that's the thing they need. This 32 00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:27.719 can happen in a workplace, not the cuddly part, but in a workplace. 33 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:31.199 It can happen in your friendships, it can happen in your love relationships. 34 00:02:32.080 --> 00:02:38.159 So probably the most important, not well, the most important relationship that 35 00:02:38.199 --> 00:02:42.319 we ever have, of course, is our relationship with ourself right, learning 36 00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:46.840 how to be self aware, how we impact others, Learning how to have 37 00:02:47.080 --> 00:02:53.800 insight into our own feelings, learning how to communicate those feelings to others, 38 00:02:54.520 --> 00:03:00.080 learning how to have boundaries around other people. That's the most important primary relationship. 39 00:03:01.159 --> 00:03:05.960 Next, as far as I'm concerned, isn't the love romantic relationship. 40 00:03:06.199 --> 00:03:10.479 It's the parent child relationship, because so much we inject our stuff into our 41 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:15.439 kids and they grow. I mean, think of it. Every other relationship 42 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:19.199 we have in our life. You meet somebody and you slowly grow closer and 43 00:03:19.240 --> 00:03:23.680 closer and closer and closer, except the parent child relationship. You literally if 44 00:03:23.719 --> 00:03:29.280 your woman start off as one body and it's a slow process of separation. 45 00:03:30.199 --> 00:03:34.840 Why am I bringing this up because this weekend I was in Santa Cruz to 46 00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:38.439 see my daughter who has left the nest. My baby left the nest last 47 00:03:38.479 --> 00:03:46.240 September, but we're planning on getting back together this relationship because it was good 48 00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:50.039 for her to learn some life skills, but she needs some you know, 49 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:53.960 just like how a toddler on the playground. They'll sort of like venture and 50 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:57.120 then they'll check back and come back and touch base with mom or dad, 51 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:01.159 and then they'll venture out again and come back. This happens also with adolescents, 52 00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:04.960 teenagers and college students. That's why I have this theory that the more 53 00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:08.800 money you pay for college, the less amount of time they keep them. 54 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:13.719 Have you noticed the higher end the college It starts later in September and then 55 00:04:13.759 --> 00:04:15.680 they're home for what five weeks? Six weeks at Christmas? I mean, 56 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:18.079 quit, What are we paying you money for this supposed to be educating them? 57 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:24.519 But I think also that coming home of college students is an important touching 58 00:04:24.600 --> 00:04:29.279 base with your secure base. This particular kid of mine didn't do the traditional 59 00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:33.680 college route. She's working and learning a lot of life skills, but it's 60 00:04:33.800 --> 00:04:36.839 very normal. And so this summer she's going to live with me again because 61 00:04:36.839 --> 00:04:41.680 she said, I just miss your mom, And you know what, who's 62 00:04:41.720 --> 00:04:45.199 going to turn that down right. You think it's just she wants the free 63 00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:48.360 rent. I don't know. Maybe I also want to tell you something else 64 00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:56.000 about raising children. So our parents live inside us long after they're gone. 65 00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:00.800 Well we know because when we parents, sometimes like my ang green mother comes 66 00:05:00.879 --> 00:05:02.720 out of my mouth and I'm like, where did she come from? The 67 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:08.360 exact same nasty thing she'd say to me sometimes would come out to my kids. 68 00:05:08.680 --> 00:05:10.720 But on the other end, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. 69 00:05:10.759 --> 00:05:13.519 They're all good and bad. They do the best with the tools they 70 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:18.199 had. But also the good of our parents lies inside us. That if 71 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:23.279 we had good enough parents, because that's all you need, good enough parents, 72 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:29.560 we have a piece of them that we can use during times of stress 73 00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:33.959 as coping strategies. For instance, my mom had a few failings, but 74 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:36.920 one of the things she was really great at is taking care of us when 75 00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:41.560 we were sick, And unfortunately it made me get sick more often to get 76 00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:46.519 her attention. But that's a whole other thing, munch housend. But when 77 00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:49.279 we got sick or had a fever when little little kids, she'd wrap us 78 00:05:49.279 --> 00:05:54.120 in a warm blanket and she'd sit in the rocking chair with we were beyond 79 00:05:54.120 --> 00:05:57.759 her lap and she would rock in front of the fire. Literally it was 80 00:05:57.800 --> 00:06:00.800 Candida, it was cold, we had fires going, and she would sing 81 00:06:00.920 --> 00:06:06.120 to us, and that her voice, and that song lies inside my bones. 82 00:06:06.720 --> 00:06:10.560 So in the worst of stressful times, and we all have stress, 83 00:06:10.680 --> 00:06:14.079 everybody, nobody gets out of here easy, trust me, um, I 84 00:06:14.199 --> 00:06:16.319 go back to that, And certainly when I'm sick, I go back to 85 00:06:16.360 --> 00:06:18.600 it. When I got a fever and I'm delirious. Okay, look, 86 00:06:18.600 --> 00:06:21.399 can I just add one thing? Yeah? But what else isn't like the 87 00:06:21.480 --> 00:06:27.319 COVID pandemics supposed to be ending this week according to who I know May eleventh. 88 00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:30.439 I guess all the money stomps or something? No, who people who 89 00:06:30.439 --> 00:06:33.160 announced that the COVID I don't know what government May eleventh. Yeah, h 90 00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:36.680 w what they called it? Yeah, all right, the World Health Organization? 91 00:06:36.720 --> 00:06:40.079 There you go, Yeah, they announced it. Yeah. Well guess 92 00:06:40.120 --> 00:06:46.480 what I got through and I never got COVID once. Wow, knocket it 93 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:49.519 tomorrow for saying that, right. You got to be careful. Actually, 94 00:06:49.560 --> 00:06:54.759 I heard at my birthday table some of the women of a certain age are 95 00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:59.519 getting their fifth Maderna shot. Now, wow, So I'm thinking better line 96 00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:01.240 up for that one. I've gotten every shot they offered, and then some 97 00:07:01.879 --> 00:07:05.600 I wear a mask whenever they said too, I heard you earlier talking about 98 00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:10.480 airplanes. That's the one place I still wear the mask. Yeah, but 99 00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:13.879 otherwise I'm just lucky, so I didn't have to conjure up my mom, 100 00:07:13.959 --> 00:07:17.720 is what I'm trying to say during COVID. However, this week, when 101 00:07:17.720 --> 00:07:23.160 I was driving back from Santa Cruz, an interesting thing happened that hadn't happened 102 00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:26.639 before in my life. And I'm the number sixteen backwards, so that's a 103 00:07:26.759 --> 00:07:31.000 very long time. I left at like five in the morning. It was 104 00:07:31.240 --> 00:07:35.600 very very dark. I was on roads that I didn't recognize. My eyesight's 105 00:07:35.639 --> 00:07:41.800 not what it used to be, and then started to come down torrential rain, 106 00:07:42.079 --> 00:07:47.120 I mean like a swall. A swall was happening, and of course 107 00:07:47.160 --> 00:07:49.839 I was trying to listen to ways and ways was you know, every once 108 00:07:49.879 --> 00:07:54.399 in a while, ways gets dementia and it starts to take you on streets 109 00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:58.360 that doesn't and I end up in weird, what feels like dangerous places because 110 00:07:58.360 --> 00:08:01.000 it's dark. And then there's a swallow and I'm on this road I'm trying 111 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:05.680 to squint and the lights are reflecting in my I was just like, I 112 00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:09.800 was really scared. I was alone in the world. And then I remembered 113 00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:16.279 who taught me to drive, my dad, and I remember the things he 114 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:18.120 used to say. He would sit by the way. Both my parents died 115 00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:20.920 of cancer when I was thirty. Whole long story. He used to sit 116 00:08:22.519 --> 00:08:24.519 in the passenger seat. His nickname for me was Chick. I don't know 117 00:08:24.519 --> 00:08:28.199 why, but he said it funny. Chuck, Hey, Chuck, and 118 00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:30.360 he'd say, you got it, Chuck. Just hold her straight there, 119 00:08:30.439 --> 00:08:33.000 Chuck, you got her, Gunner, Now, Gunner, you're getting around 120 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:35.120 the corner. You got her. And I would hear his voice and everything 121 00:08:35.159 --> 00:08:39.000 he said to me. It was like he was sitting there beside me in 122 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:43.399 the dark. Now I wasn't hallucinating. I wasn't delusional. The point I'm 123 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:48.440 trying to make to you is that what we inject into our children, the 124 00:08:48.519 --> 00:08:54.759 goodness and the love, comes back during times of stress. It functions as 125 00:08:54.159 --> 00:08:58.320 I'm going to use some psychobabble that psychologists would probably use, like an internal 126 00:08:58.480 --> 00:09:05.240 working model, an internal working model of self black. It just means you 127 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:11.679 hold them with you the memories and they help sustain you. And eventually the 128 00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:16.360 sun rose, the rain stopped. The one oh one was spectacular all the 129 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:20.639 way down through Santa Barbara, and I felt glad that I'd had my Dad 130 00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:26.000 with me in my mind during those times. I do want to say one 131 00:09:26.039 --> 00:09:30.320 thing before we move on to something else. I passed a lot of white 132 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:33.519 school buses on those dark roads at six in the morning, and I was 133 00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:39.799 amazed that they all seemed to be trailering a trailer that held three porta potties. 134 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:43.559 And I'm like, what kind of school bus brings porta potties with them? 135 00:09:43.679 --> 00:09:46.840 You know where I'm going with this, right, You know exactly where 136 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:50.879 I'm going with this. I was traveling through the land of big agriculture, 137 00:09:52.519 --> 00:09:58.960 the land of the bread basket of America, California, and I looked up 138 00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:03.840 into the window of those painted white school buses and I saw hard working farm 139 00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:13.879 workers, women, childrenish bothers going in the dark out to fields in the 140 00:10:13.919 --> 00:10:18.960 middle of nowhere with a porta potty with them. I want you to think 141 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:24.559 about that the next time you throw a strawberry in the trash, Think about 142 00:10:24.559 --> 00:10:28.360 the work that it take and the human that it took to bring it to 143 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:31.840 your Trader Joe's and your table, okay, or your Gelson's, or your 144 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:37.879 Vans or your Ralph's wherever. Think about it. We need to care about 145 00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:43.159 people. I was frankly shocked to see in the dark of that morning, 146 00:10:43.159 --> 00:10:46.720 at five in the morning, how many hard working people there are in California 147 00:10:46.799 --> 00:10:52.200 bringing food to our tables. And my heart goes out to them, and 148 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:54.960 I have lots of gratitude too. All right, when we come back, 149 00:10:56.600 --> 00:11:00.440 are you planning on moving this summer? Summer is the big moving season. 150 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:03.840 I want to talk a little bit about the psychology of moving because I moved 151 00:11:03.840 --> 00:11:07.679 again this week. And do you know what, when we come back, 152 00:11:07.720 --> 00:11:09.919 I'm going to tell you you won't believe it. I counted how many houses 153 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:13.120 I've lived in in my life. Just take a guess, Kaylea, take 154 00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:16.919 a guess seven. You go with seven? Okay? Well, the average 155 00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:20.039 amount of moves that the average American has is eleven. Oh, just let 156 00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:22.720 me say I was more than that. I'll explain when we come back. 157 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:26.360 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KF I am six forty, 158 00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:31.039 but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh 159 00:11:31.080 --> 00:11:37.919 on demand from kf I Am six forty. KYF I Am six forty. 160 00:11:37.320 --> 00:11:41.080 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. 161 00:11:41.799 --> 00:11:46.679 I had this conversation with my best friend this week because I was moving 162 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:48.639 again, and she said again, like, didn't you just move in November? 163 00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:50.720 And didn't you just move a year before that? And didn't you just 164 00:11:50.799 --> 00:11:54.360 move before? God, Well, there's always good reason. For many of 165 00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:58.200 the time the years it was about getting my kids into better schools, moving 166 00:11:58.279 --> 00:12:00.519 right into the district where I needed to. I was going to try to 167 00:12:00.759 --> 00:12:03.480 cheat. I'm just gonna move there and say I'm in the zip code, 168 00:12:03.559 --> 00:12:05.480 get me in that school. And I did that many times to get my 169 00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:09.879 kid the support she needed. But the conversation with my best friend was, 170 00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:15.080 you know, she said, I just moved last year, and that was 171 00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:18.240 the first time I'd moved in twenty five years. She said, when I 172 00:12:18.279 --> 00:12:22.600 was a kid, we only moved once. So she's had three houses in 173 00:12:22.679 --> 00:12:28.519 her entire life, and she's like my age sixteen backwards. So I started 174 00:12:28.519 --> 00:12:35.799 doing some research on the moving phenomenon, and what happens to our psychology with 175 00:12:35.840 --> 00:12:41.440 the moving phenomenon. Well, it turns out the average American moves eleven times 176 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:45.399 in their lifespan. So if you were counting, Kayla, you're thirty years 177 00:12:45.399 --> 00:12:48.240 old, how many places have you lived and since you were born? I 178 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:50.080 was just trying to count, I'm probably gonna set like ten yet. Yeah, 179 00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:52.200 see ye around there, so you're almost getting there. Yeah, you'll 180 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:56.440 be up to fifteen before. I'm sure you'll see. Now, I grew 181 00:12:56.519 --> 00:13:00.679 up military. My dad was the Navy, And what my parents used to 182 00:13:00.720 --> 00:13:03.679 do is we'd move to a new city and they would rent a house for 183 00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:07.879 the first year while they got the lay of the land, figured out the 184 00:13:07.879 --> 00:13:09.879 schools and where you want to live and whatever, and then they buy the 185 00:13:09.960 --> 00:13:13.559 second year, and inevitably the place they'd buy in would be at a different 186 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:16.679 school district. So I always went to new school. I was always the 187 00:13:16.679 --> 00:13:20.000 new kid in class, always, always, always, And then we'd have 188 00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:24.320 this house for two years and my dad would get another posting and we'd be 189 00:13:24.360 --> 00:13:30.440 gone. My parents used to joke that their real estate, their real estate 190 00:13:30.519 --> 00:13:35.440 strategy was to buy high, sell low, because they had to constantly move. 191 00:13:35.720 --> 00:13:39.759 It was based on the military, not on what the market was doing. 192 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:46.080 So I saw the statistic eleven times that the average American moves in their 193 00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:48.960 life, and I sat down, using my fingers to count all the places 194 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:54.159 I lived in. Now, some of them I couldn't remember the exact address. 195 00:13:54.240 --> 00:13:56.360 I was young in its places, but I pictured my bedroom and every 196 00:13:56.360 --> 00:14:01.320 single one of them, like there's a memory, an emotion attached to our 197 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:07.159 personal space, right our little cave where the tribe is. And I saw 198 00:14:07.200 --> 00:14:11.200 them all in my mind's eye, very very clearly. And then I ran 199 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:16.279 out of the ten fingers, and I started again. And then I ran 200 00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:20.720 out of those ten fingers, and I started again, and I got up 201 00:14:20.759 --> 00:14:28.200 to twenty five. You are always above average, and so you would think. 202 00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:31.559 So the conversation with my best friend is how do you do it? 203 00:14:31.639 --> 00:14:35.720 And I'm going to give you some good strategies for like literally how to move, 204 00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:37.799 because really a queen of that, I know you're thinking to get in 205 00:14:37.799 --> 00:14:43.120 a new place, so you might note, so here's what my mom taught 206 00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:48.200 us that as soon as you get to the new place, the very first 207 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:50.840 thing and she'd make sure that that particular box or whatever was at the first 208 00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:56.279 thing off the truck is you make your bed. Now. The bed might 209 00:14:56.320 --> 00:15:00.240 not be put together, but the mattress will be there. You got find 210 00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:05.080 your sheets, find your pillows, find your duvet whatever. Make your bed. 211 00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:09.200 If you start at seven in the morning moving, make your bed first, 212 00:15:09.799 --> 00:15:11.799 because that sound's going to set. You haven't even found the lamp side 213 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:16.000 of the boxes yet. That place is going to get dark and you can't 214 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:18.600 find nothing, and you got to your dog tired and you just want to 215 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:24.519 go to bed. So make your bed first. Then just start doing it 216 00:15:24.039 --> 00:15:28.240 box by box, and do it all at once. The worst thing you 217 00:15:28.279 --> 00:15:33.720 can do is take two or three weeks to move, because you'll never be 218 00:15:33.840 --> 00:15:39.519 organized. Here's the thing. Psychologists would say that when we organize our external 219 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:46.480 environment, we're actually organizing ourselves internally at the same time. So every time 220 00:15:46.559 --> 00:15:50.799 you go through a box and find places for things, your brain is becoming 221 00:15:50.919 --> 00:15:54.720 more settled. I did that all weekends, so I can tell you about 222 00:15:54.720 --> 00:15:56.279 it. How good I feel right now at getting through the last couple of 223 00:15:56.320 --> 00:16:03.000 boxes. But I want to all so say this about moves. There's research 224 00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:07.879 on military kids and frequent moves and how destabilizing it is. We know kids 225 00:16:07.960 --> 00:16:11.799 love consistency. It's good for their development to keep close contact with the same 226 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:15.720 friends, etc. I'm proud to say that despite all my moves, often 227 00:16:15.759 --> 00:16:21.879 it was within the same city and so my kids, each of them still 228 00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:26.120 have best friends from preschool. Right. So that's one of the things, 229 00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:30.879 is that keeping consistency of relationships is important. However, the research shows that 230 00:16:33.080 --> 00:16:38.720 after five moves, kid's actually become resilient. It's less stressful, they become 231 00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:42.840 more adaptable to new situations. So, in other words, it's more dramatic 232 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:47.120 to move two or three times for your kids than it is to move eight 233 00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:51.720 times. Fascinating and that fascinating, yea, So they start to become resilient. 234 00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:53.600 We start And this was the conversation I had with my best friend because 235 00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:56.320 she'd only moved three times in her whole life. She thinks of it as 236 00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:59.240 a trauma and I'm like, no, I think of it as a new 237 00:16:59.240 --> 00:17:02.600 adventure. I do it all the time. I'm good at it. And 238 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:07.119 here's the best thing I love about moves. The perch. Oh my goodness, 239 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:10.319 I'm Arie Condo in my life. You know what, Marie Condo, 240 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:15.400 that decorator lady says. She says that if you hold an item in your 241 00:17:15.400 --> 00:17:21.160 hand and you ask yourself, does this item bring me joy? And if 242 00:17:21.160 --> 00:17:23.079 the answer is no, you have to get rid of it, cut it, 243 00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:27.480 loose, dump it. And I swear every time I move, I 244 00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:32.279 do that with many, many, many items, and I feel lighter and 245 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:34.319 I feel happier. And you know what else I learned. The less clothes 246 00:17:34.359 --> 00:17:38.160 I have, the more outfits I have. It's bizarre, but you start 247 00:17:38.279 --> 00:17:41.920 putting things together better in new ways. Like I've never worn this sweater with 248 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:45.359 this before, but boy, it looks good, doesn't it? Because I 249 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:49.880 pulled it out today? What else did I want to say about moving? 250 00:17:51.319 --> 00:17:56.000 Get ready for a schmore gess board of emotions, because our homes are attached 251 00:17:56.039 --> 00:18:00.400 to our well being. Look, I'm a landlady. No he has a 252 00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:03.359 problem moving into my building. One hundred percent of the people have a problem 253 00:18:03.400 --> 00:18:04.640 moving out, even if they wanted to go, even if it was time, 254 00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:07.440 even if there's a good reason for going. There's a drama over the 255 00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:11.920 security deposit. There's a drama over broken stuff. There's a drama over the 256 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:15.440 move date. There's a drama over the people moving in there's always a drama. 257 00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:19.680 It's because emotions are high with separation, and we have to acknowledge that 258 00:18:21.160 --> 00:18:26.319 we have to grieve the loss of moving from place because you do feel unanchored 259 00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:30.240 a bit, You feel set adrift just a little bit. And so I 260 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:37.480 often think that moving is a grieving process. But change is also good. 261 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:42.559 Change helps us grow. So if you're planning that move this summer, make 262 00:18:42.599 --> 00:18:48.680 those beds first, find the lamps next, and you can start packing a 263 00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:52.000 couple weeks early, but don't take two weeks to unpack. Get it all 264 00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:53.759 done in one weekend. Pull an all nighter if you need to. That's 265 00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:57.519 the way to do it all right. I digress because I have not talked 266 00:18:57.559 --> 00:19:00.599 about the science of love and relationship hips very long. You know who people 267 00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:03.640 want to date more than anything in the world, no matter what their gender. 268 00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:08.759 Charismatic people, people who have charisma. And I used to think that 269 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:11.839 charisma is something you're just kind of born with, that's your personality type, 270 00:19:12.119 --> 00:19:17.759 until I did some reading and I found out that charisma is something that's learned, 271 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:21.319 and we can all learn these skills. Let's talk about what they are 272 00:19:21.720 --> 00:19:23.880 when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf 273 00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.119 I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening 274 00:19:29.119 --> 00:19:34.559 to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am sixty k AM six forty. 275 00:19:34.640 --> 00:19:37.920 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. He is the Doctor Wendy Walls 276 00:19:38.039 --> 00:19:41.920 Show. So last night I was out to dinner with a new group of 277 00:19:41.960 --> 00:19:44.920 people. There was one friend there who I knew from a long time ago, 278 00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:47.200 but she was introducing me to kind of to her group of friends. 279 00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:52.000 And our host was an English gentleman who had a lot of charisma. Right. 280 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:56.920 He was very funny, he was, you know, very intelligent, 281 00:19:57.839 --> 00:20:03.559 he was charming, he had very good manners. Um, what is the 282 00:20:03.640 --> 00:20:07.720 definition of charisma. What would you say? It is, Kayla, charisma. 283 00:20:08.079 --> 00:20:15.640 That's a charismatic person, charming personality and endearing personality. Yeah, it's 284 00:20:15.680 --> 00:20:25.680 somebody whose charm actually inspires devotion in others. Right. So, charismatic leaders 285 00:20:25.720 --> 00:20:30.720 sometimes are politicians, sometimes they're preachers. Sometimes they're great teachers, right, 286 00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:37.119 that have a lot of charisma. But here's the thing. Charisma is not 287 00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:41.759 a personality trait. You know, psychologists don't say, oh, there's I 288 00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:47.519 can I can diagnose you as being a charismic Nope, doesn't exist. It's 289 00:20:47.599 --> 00:20:55.720 actually a set of social skills that can literally be learned. So I did 290 00:20:55.720 --> 00:20:59.680 some reading so that I could figure out how I could be more charismatic. 291 00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:04.799 Although I do radio and I do teach, so I would hope that I 292 00:21:04.839 --> 00:21:10.440 have a few of these traits that I've not inherited them, but learned them 293 00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:15.319 along the way. But we can always improve. The most important trait of 294 00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:22.279 charisma, I think is self awareness, being aware of how you impact other 295 00:21:22.319 --> 00:21:26.000 people. What would people say? Reading the room, knowing how to read 296 00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:30.720 the room, knowing how to say like, for instance, what's really lucky 297 00:21:30.759 --> 00:21:33.440 about me is that when I teach, I got forty thirty forty little faces 298 00:21:33.480 --> 00:21:38.559 staring at me. Not so little. They're young adults, and the active 299 00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:45.640 listeners are direct mirrors to whatever I'm saying. So I can see a wave 300 00:21:45.720 --> 00:21:48.319 of she did not say that, did she? I can see it on 301 00:21:48.359 --> 00:21:52.160 the faces, and that I can quickly double back and correct myself. Or 302 00:21:52.200 --> 00:21:56.000 I can see the quizzical look like I'm clearly not being clear because I see 303 00:21:56.000 --> 00:22:02.440 some furrowed brows here or I see the eyelids starting to droop on a group, 304 00:22:02.680 --> 00:22:04.480 and I know, oh, I'm not being fun enough. Right. 305 00:22:06.039 --> 00:22:11.200 So I have learned from being in front of classrooms for years how to be 306 00:22:11.400 --> 00:22:15.599 self aware and understand my impact on others. But other people don't have that 307 00:22:15.680 --> 00:22:22.240 skill naturally. You have to literally watch the faces. You have to literally 308 00:22:22.400 --> 00:22:26.640 stop talking so that you can get the feedback from the people. Now, 309 00:22:26.680 --> 00:22:34.440 another component of charisma is warmth, being approachable, being understanding and caring, 310 00:22:36.400 --> 00:22:40.799 being optimistic, being enthusiastic. You know, when I met my boyfriend Julio 311 00:22:40.920 --> 00:22:44.599 almost three years ago now on Bumble and we had our first coffee date. 312 00:22:44.640 --> 00:22:47.079 And if you've been listening to my show long enough, you've heard the story 313 00:22:47.400 --> 00:22:49.559 I said to him, and we were out. It was during COVID outdoors 314 00:22:49.599 --> 00:22:52.519 with masks on, wind blowing the whole thing, and that was kind of 315 00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:56.200 a litmus test. If guys wouldn't do that, I was not going to 316 00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:00.799 meet him. So I said, look, instead of us just telling each 317 00:23:00.799 --> 00:23:03.039 other how great we are and how datable we are, why don't we tell 318 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:08.559 each other a story of how undateable we are? And I told him a 319 00:23:08.559 --> 00:23:12.200 couple of things about me, and then he told me this big thing about 320 00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:18.680 him. And later I said to him later meeting months later, you know, 321 00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:22.799 because we love to revisit our first date, I said, what was 322 00:23:22.839 --> 00:23:25.200 it about that first date? And he said, you know, I was 323 00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:30.799 telling you something quite disturbing, And you seem to have this openness and this 324 00:23:30.920 --> 00:23:37.359 warmth and this desire to understand more instead of getting closed off or fearful. 325 00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:42.359 So obviously I had that trait, the warmth. Now another trait of being 326 00:23:42.440 --> 00:23:48.960 charismatic is competence. You know, we love people that we can learn from. 327 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:52.880 So if you are walking in a room, let's say it's for a 328 00:23:52.960 --> 00:23:57.480 job interview. Let's say you're going to meet new perspective coworkers, being competent 329 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:03.599 and having a little bit of an in charge attitude, not taking control, 330 00:24:03.640 --> 00:24:10.079 but self confidence, good posture, letting them know like you don't one hundred 331 00:24:10.119 --> 00:24:11.279 percent need this job, you'd like this job, you'd be good for them, 332 00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:15.359 you could help them, but you know, just having some competence that's 333 00:24:15.519 --> 00:24:21.559 charismatic. And on that same note, while you're doing it, having relaxed 334 00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:25.279 and open body language. So I know, we get nervous and we want 335 00:24:25.319 --> 00:24:29.319 to just fold those arms across our chest. I noticed last night at the 336 00:24:29.319 --> 00:24:33.200 dinner party. By the way, I'm sitting beside the charismatic host and who 337 00:24:33.240 --> 00:24:36.759 has a much bigger brain than me and more life experienced than me, and 338 00:24:36.799 --> 00:24:41.200 he's expounding on something that was very interesting to me, and I didn't notice 339 00:24:41.240 --> 00:24:45.400 it until somebody. Why do people all do this nowadays? They take out 340 00:24:45.559 --> 00:24:49.799 cameras iPhones in the middle of dinner and they just start snapping pictures of people. 341 00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:52.960 Do you notice this? Can't You can't go out without seeing it. 342 00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:56.279 It's weird. Everywhere is everywhere. Yeah, so I see happened, But 343 00:24:56.359 --> 00:25:00.440 I am very camera aware, I will say that. And I happen to 344 00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:02.880 see this iPhone go up at the end of the table and someone's taking a 345 00:25:02.920 --> 00:25:06.680 picture. And I immediately when that iPhone goes I am sternhams at. My 346 00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:11.000 posture changes to my face changes. I know there's a picture coming, right, 347 00:25:11.319 --> 00:25:15.319 And so I realized my hands were across my chest as I was listening 348 00:25:15.359 --> 00:25:21.440 to the charismatic host, and I immediately adjusted my body language, put my 349 00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:26.680 arms, my forearms on the armrests of the chair, and had an open 350 00:25:26.799 --> 00:25:30.559 smile towards him. So the picture would turn out well. Okay. Also, 351 00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:34.400 charismatic people tend to be playful and funny. Our host was definitely that 352 00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:37.559 I try to make the odd little joke. I'm not a comedian, Kayla, 353 00:25:37.759 --> 00:25:41.720 You're hilarious. Come, come, try to be a little funny if 354 00:25:41.720 --> 00:25:45.559 I can. They also maintain good eye contact. We can all learn that. 355 00:25:47.000 --> 00:25:49.240 Yeah, for sure, look at people you know nowadays. I hate 356 00:25:49.240 --> 00:25:52.240 to say, especially those young people that I'm staring at their phones, but 357 00:25:52.440 --> 00:25:56.799 literally they're not looking people in the eye. And I'm sure the pandemic made 358 00:25:56.839 --> 00:26:02.119 it worse. I know, I know. But the big one is praising 359 00:26:02.200 --> 00:26:08.359 others. Praising others literally finding something fabulous about everybody. There is something fabulous 360 00:26:08.599 --> 00:26:14.680 in every single person you meet, and your job as a charismatic person is 361 00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:18.960 to find that fabulosa and tell them about it. Remind them because they're gonna 362 00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:25.279 want to have you around because they feel good when they're around you. And 363 00:26:25.400 --> 00:26:29.960 I should add, please remember people's names. It's super hard. So one 364 00:26:29.960 --> 00:26:33.200 of my tricks is I asked them how they spell their name. Even if 365 00:26:33.240 --> 00:26:38.279 it's like Carol, I might say, is that Carol with an E or 366 00:26:38.400 --> 00:26:44.519 just the traditional C L? Because it gives me a moment to spell it 367 00:26:44.559 --> 00:26:48.559 and help myself remember it. That's my trick genius. I also connect it 368 00:26:48.559 --> 00:26:52.240 with other people I know, Like I met someone recently named Andy. I 369 00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:55.200 didn't actually meet them out where, were emailing and I said, oh, 370 00:26:55.240 --> 00:26:57.839 you know my favorite little brothers named Andy. It just warms my heart to 371 00:26:57.880 --> 00:27:03.359 type that name Andy. So I now I connected with my little brother's name. 372 00:27:03.519 --> 00:27:06.680 Anyway, that's how you become charismatic. When we come back, the 373 00:27:06.680 --> 00:27:11.680 Surgeon General says that here in America we are in a great health epidemic and 374 00:27:11.720 --> 00:27:14.680 there's something we can all do to fix it. No, it's not COVID, 375 00:27:14.759 --> 00:27:17.920 it's something else. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf 376 00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:22.039 I AM six forty a live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Appum, you're listening to 377 00:27:22.359 --> 00:27:27.319 doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM sixty kf I AM six forty 378 00:27:27.359 --> 00:27:30.200 you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Talk to Wendy Walsh 379 00:27:30.200 --> 00:27:33.000 Show. I'd like to welcome my TikTok audience. If you'd like to come 380 00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:37.720 on to my TikTok channel, you certainly can the handle is at doctor Wendy 381 00:27:37.720 --> 00:27:41.960 Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh and you can be live in the studio with us 382 00:27:41.960 --> 00:27:48.160 and see what we're doing here. So this week, did you hear we're 383 00:27:48.359 --> 00:27:56.279 entering another public health epidemic. In fact, this epidemic, if you catch 384 00:27:56.359 --> 00:28:03.000 this disease, has health risks that are the same as smoking fifteen cigarettes a 385 00:28:03.119 --> 00:28:11.039 day. It's known that this health epidemic is already costing billions of dollars every 386 00:28:11.079 --> 00:28:18.440 single year here in America. It's also estimated that it's affecting fifty fifty five 387 00:28:18.519 --> 00:28:26.119 zero fifty percent of Americans. On Tuesday, the US Surgeon General officially declared 388 00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:37.359 this a public health epidemic. Loneliness, Yes, loneliness. You know. 389 00:28:37.480 --> 00:28:40.759 I'm a professor at cal State Channel Islands and one of the courses I teach 390 00:28:41.279 --> 00:28:45.039 is health psychology. And while you would think there'd be a lot of biology, 391 00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:48.759 what you should eat, if you should exercise, how you should sleep, 392 00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:51.880 and yes, some of that's there, but we also talk a lot 393 00:28:52.279 --> 00:28:56.759 about our relationships. We talk about toxic relationships that can make your body sick, 394 00:28:57.160 --> 00:29:02.440 we talk about healthy relationships can make your body well, and we talk 395 00:29:02.519 --> 00:29:08.519 about isolation and how dangerous it is. You see, human beings evolved to 396 00:29:08.559 --> 00:29:14.200 live in tribes. We were cooperative breeders. We worked together with a village 397 00:29:14.200 --> 00:29:18.880 to raise kids. If we were ever alone in the wilderness in our historic 398 00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:25.799 past, it probably meant imminent death. And so as a result, COVID 399 00:29:25.839 --> 00:29:30.599 of course increased it. We've got people living alone and apartments that are not 400 00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:37.640 unlike the solitary confinement that we give in our penal institutions. Right bad for 401 00:29:37.720 --> 00:29:44.759 our health. Here's why. Here's what's been happening over the last few decades. 402 00:29:44.799 --> 00:29:49.559 We've seen a decline in religiosity, but it hasn't been replaced by things. 403 00:29:51.279 --> 00:29:56.440 We've also seen a decline in participation in community organizations. And because of 404 00:29:56.480 --> 00:30:03.279 the mobility that was needed in modern capitalists him, people are being separated from 405 00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:10.240 their big, wide ranging, supportive family structures and so people are reporting more 406 00:30:10.319 --> 00:30:15.640 loneliness. The number of single households that means people living alone in a studio 407 00:30:15.640 --> 00:30:19.960 apartment, a one bedroom apartment, has doubled in the last fifty years. 408 00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:25.799 This was literally unknown when I was a kid, never heard of it. 409 00:30:26.279 --> 00:30:32.559 But then we had the COVID crisis, where people, workplaces were shut down. 410 00:30:32.599 --> 00:30:37.720 Schools were shut down. Even people who had regular interaction were suddenly forced 411 00:30:37.799 --> 00:30:41.000 into isolation. I know, I did a lot of calling of my friendships 412 00:30:41.240 --> 00:30:44.119 like a COVID silver. I'm like, do I really want to call that 413 00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:47.160 person back? Did I need that one? Right? And I started to 414 00:30:47.240 --> 00:30:56.519 feel my own social world start to shrink. You know, people spend about 415 00:30:56.599 --> 00:31:03.519 twenty minutes a day on average to a friend, twenty minutes a day. 416 00:31:03.279 --> 00:31:07.839 Just a decade ago, it was more than an hour a day. The 417 00:31:07.920 --> 00:31:12.319 amount of close friends people had used to be in the dozens. In fact, 418 00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:15.839 there's some research to show that those with the best mental health have the 419 00:31:15.960 --> 00:31:21.400 largest social networks, but they're not necessarily intimately close with everybody. They just 420 00:31:21.720 --> 00:31:23.599 you know what it is. If you have a referral, you call somebody 421 00:31:23.599 --> 00:31:27.000 with a referral who's got a contact for something, a doctor, a lawyer, 422 00:31:27.079 --> 00:31:30.680 or whatever. You need a golf game. I don't know that you 423 00:31:30.720 --> 00:31:37.039 will have a better life by having that group. Now, Producer Kaylea, 424 00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:41.319 if you had to guess which group is most impacted by the loneliness epidemic, 425 00:31:41.759 --> 00:31:45.400 you know it used to be I'll say, so, don't guess this. 426 00:31:45.880 --> 00:31:49.960 The elderly. The elderly were alone. They people didn't visit enough, they 427 00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:53.599 didn't get enough touch. Right, who do you think suffering the most? 428 00:31:53.599 --> 00:32:00.839 Now? Maybe women in their late thirties, early forties into twenty four year 429 00:32:00.839 --> 00:32:02.880 olds. Really, Oh, let me tell you. I teach college, 430 00:32:04.119 --> 00:32:07.759 and these students have more social anxiety. They missed two years of social connection 431 00:32:07.799 --> 00:32:10.160 and learning social skills, and I watch them. I put them into discussion 432 00:32:10.200 --> 00:32:15.160 groups specifically so they just you know, have fun and laugh and talk about 433 00:32:15.200 --> 00:32:20.039 things. Now, the government has said there's a reason why, you know, 434 00:32:20.079 --> 00:32:23.759 they gave this big announcement about this public health epidemic, that they're going 435 00:32:23.759 --> 00:32:29.599 to try to put some money towards strengthening the social infrastructure. That means building 436 00:32:29.640 --> 00:32:34.519 more parks, more libraries, more programs for the public. They are going 437 00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:38.240 to make public transportation more accessible. They're going to do more paid family leave. 438 00:32:38.279 --> 00:32:40.359 We hope this is where the money is supposed to go. Once they 439 00:32:40.359 --> 00:32:45.000 pay attention to this, They're going the government is going to try to cultivate 440 00:32:45.240 --> 00:32:50.319 a culture of connection. You know what, you can do it today for 441 00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:55.279 yourself and your world. Don't wait for the government. You should volunteer right 442 00:32:55.319 --> 00:32:59.559 now. Go on the internet. Look for a place in your neighborhood where 443 00:32:59.559 --> 00:33:01.960 you can volvolved here. If you haven't been to a gym during COVID, 444 00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:05.839 it's time to get back to the gym. Join a sport, a team, 445 00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:09.359 see some people, chat with them. Start a book club. Invite 446 00:33:09.400 --> 00:33:14.640 friends, Invite friends of friends, people you don't know really well to join 447 00:33:14.720 --> 00:33:19.079 your book group. Meet your neighbors, say hello on the street. You 448 00:33:19.119 --> 00:33:22.000 know, it's the dog walkers and the stroller pushers who find each other out 449 00:33:22.039 --> 00:33:25.480 there. But you can just go out and chat with people while you're gardening 450 00:33:25.640 --> 00:33:32.240 or what have. You. Join professional organizations, whatever your organization is, 451 00:33:32.319 --> 00:33:37.000 join them. You know, you can go online to meetup dot com and 452 00:33:37.160 --> 00:33:39.799 find a group that's together. You need a group, You need some people. 453 00:33:40.680 --> 00:33:44.480 You can join a religion, or if you're not religious, join an 454 00:33:44.480 --> 00:33:46.720 atheist group. They get together. You know, it's very like a religion, 455 00:33:46.759 --> 00:33:52.240 but no magical thinking. So whatever it takes, you have to be 456 00:33:52.279 --> 00:33:57.599 the difference. You have to reach out because your life may depend on it. 457 00:33:58.279 --> 00:34:02.680 Isolation and loneliness raises your inflammation, raises your cortisol levels, your stress 458 00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:07.960 hormones, and that's related to every major illness we have when we come back. 459 00:34:08.559 --> 00:34:14.679 Are you in a relationship and you are wondering if you should break up? 460 00:34:15.400 --> 00:34:19.480 You know, plenty of people are in a relationship because they're attached, 461 00:34:20.519 --> 00:34:24.519 not because they're in love. Let's talk about this when I come back. 462 00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.679 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six forty. 463 00:34:29.920 --> 00:34:36.320 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy 464 00:34:36.360 --> 00:34:38.480 Walls. You can always hear us live on kf I AM six forty from 465 00:34:38.480 --> 00:34:44.239 seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.