WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:11.119 This is pod popular podcast for the people, The Great Love Debate. It's 2 00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:17.559 the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate. 3 00:00:17.800 --> 00:00:21.879 Hi, get everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great Love 4 00:00:21.960 --> 00:00:26.199 Debate, the world's number one dating air relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I 5 00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:30.679 am here in the very fine studios of Pod Populi Podcasts for the People. 6 00:00:30.800 --> 00:00:33.280 I am back at the one in Boca Ratone, Florida. I have not 7 00:00:33.320 --> 00:00:38.159 been here in some time, and it is delightful. It's delightful here in 8 00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:44.159 the Boca Ratone. There's many issues that come up on this podcast, in 9 00:00:44.159 --> 00:00:48.439 this Great Love Debate that we're doing, this conversation that we've been having for 10 00:00:48.520 --> 00:00:52.719 over ten years, and there's a lot of them that I can see both 11 00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:55.359 sides on. People are always like, where do you stand on the debate. 12 00:00:56.039 --> 00:00:58.280 I'm not saying my job is to stay neutral, but I'm saying that 13 00:00:58.320 --> 00:01:02.359 my job is to hear all sides of this and then try and relay a 14 00:01:02.679 --> 00:01:06.200 consensus that is going to give people the better opportunity to find what they're looking 15 00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:11.359 for. Kind of lets me sidestep any responsibility. But there's there's certain things 16 00:01:11.400 --> 00:01:15.920 that there's no absolutes on there's no clear cut answers. But what I'm talking 17 00:01:15.959 --> 00:01:22.200 about today, I think there are two clear cut answers. And not only 18 00:01:22.239 --> 00:01:26.120 does each side have two clear cut answers, but I think each of those 19 00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:33.680 have two answers. So it's a perfect alignment of hopefully logic. You know, 20 00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:37.359 emotion doesn't always match up with logic. It's one of those rare occurrences, 21 00:01:37.400 --> 00:01:41.000 like a like a comment or any clips that sort of sores by you 22 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:45.439 and you can be like, was is that right? Do that what happened 23 00:01:45.480 --> 00:01:49.359 line up with what I thought and felt? Doesn't always happen that way. 24 00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:53.280 And so this is what I want to talk about. It's about getting back 25 00:01:53.359 --> 00:02:00.239 together with your ex. And I'm not talking about married people doing that. 26 00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:02.959 That happens every once in a while. It's extremely rare, and I'm gonna 27 00:02:04.040 --> 00:02:07.039 explore that a whole lot deeper with a couple that I recently met, who 28 00:02:07.080 --> 00:02:10.520 did that, Who did just that? They got back together after forty years 29 00:02:12.439 --> 00:02:15.479 forty years. I have an upcoming episode that I'm going to have them on, 30 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:19.599 I promise, And it's unbelievable what happened. But that's a tease for 31 00:02:19.639 --> 00:02:23.719 you. But as I've mentioned before on this show, I'm not really sure 32 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:28.199 why married people don't get back together more often after they divorced, because you 33 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:32.520 figured, at the peak of that relationship, it's very height the marriage, 34 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:38.280 the kids, the hope for the happily ever after, you figure that peak 35 00:02:38.840 --> 00:02:44.719 was a greater peak than almost any other relationship that they had, and you 36 00:02:44.719 --> 00:02:47.439 would figure you'd want to revisit that peak. You figure they'd get together at 37 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:52.520 a high school graduation with the child that they made together, and they would 38 00:02:52.520 --> 00:02:55.360 feel that bond and they would give to say that, give us another try. 39 00:02:55.400 --> 00:03:00.560 But people who have gotten divorced always explained to me, because I've never 40 00:03:00.599 --> 00:03:07.120 gotten divorced, they always explain that once lawyers get involved, any shot at 41 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:10.240 the romance is gone, and the any good and some of the memories have 42 00:03:10.280 --> 00:03:14.439 been sucked out of it. So, Sey LEVI, even for people who 43 00:03:14.439 --> 00:03:15.240 are like, oh my god, we're the best of friends still, it 44 00:03:15.360 --> 00:03:20.039 just very rarely, rarely happens. Well, what I want to talk about 45 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:23.360 today is when it happens with boyfriends and girlfriends, the ones that go on 46 00:03:23.479 --> 00:03:29.439 and off, back and forth. And so I'm going to break that category 47 00:03:29.680 --> 00:03:35.919 down into two subsets. The first type of this is when you're in the 48 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:38.840 relatively early stages of the relationship, maybe the first year or so, and 49 00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:42.639 you might say a year isn't early, but you know, if you're planning 50 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:46.120 on doing fifty years with someone, a year is two percent, So yeah, 51 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:53.199 it's still early those situations. So there's a few reasons why people break 52 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:59.919 up and get back together in these situations. Lots of it has to do 53 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:05.759 with not understanding the other person clearly enough, or what you might not want, 54 00:04:06.319 --> 00:04:12.080 what you might want or need from the other person. And lots of 55 00:04:12.120 --> 00:04:15.599 it might come from external stimuli that you weren't prepared to handle. It was, 56 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:18.120 you know, jealousy from certain behaviors, why is that girl always around, 57 00:04:18.160 --> 00:04:21.639 who's that guy from the office, blah blah blah. Pressures from your 58 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:29.120 job or your family. Could be one or two bad nights out, It 59 00:04:29.160 --> 00:04:31.120 could be a drunk morning after. It could be a fight, a misunderstanding, 60 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:36.720 somebody said too much, somebody said too little, somebody got scared or 61 00:04:36.800 --> 00:04:39.839 came on too strong or misinterpreted, and no, no, no, no, 62 00:04:39.879 --> 00:04:43.879 and on. The list is endless of why we can be pulled apart 63 00:04:45.480 --> 00:04:51.680 or not want to work through the awkwardness or the ick to the other side. 64 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:56.120 But what happens is soon enough you think, oh, maybe they weren't 65 00:04:56.120 --> 00:05:00.240 so bad. You know, that anger kind of fades away, and they 66 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:04.160 were kind of cute, and you knew a few things about them that you 67 00:05:04.360 --> 00:05:09.800 liked, and you remember those things. But a whole lot of the pull 68 00:05:10.879 --> 00:05:17.040 towards a reconciliation is usually centered around the unknown. You still don't feel like 69 00:05:17.079 --> 00:05:24.079 you played out the whole hand. I said this to this woman the other 70 00:05:24.120 --> 00:05:27.759 day. I go, women are oftentimes more likely to get back together with 71 00:05:27.800 --> 00:05:33.600 their boyfriend from college than they are their ex husband, even if they dated 72 00:05:33.639 --> 00:05:36.600 that guy in college like six weeks. And it's not that the XPUZM was 73 00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:41.240 so bad. It's that there's that part of I didn't quite play it all 74 00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:44.079 out in the circumstance I want at the time I want, and their shrinings 75 00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.639 and I didn't wait for them to turn thirty five and all that kind of 76 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:50.920 stuff. I feel like there's still some meat on the bone, so to 77 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:56.240 speak. And yeah, you found out some things you didn't like, but 78 00:05:56.279 --> 00:06:01.399 you didn't find out everything. And finding out everything thing is where the hope 79 00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:06.160 and possibilities lie that. We always talk about it, so you keep after 80 00:06:06.279 --> 00:06:10.360 it, and you revisit it, and you return to it, and on 81 00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:12.879 and on and on. And that's why there are two sides to this. 82 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:15.120 Some will say, as soon as you see a red flag, that's it. 83 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:20.680 When people show who they really are, believe them. And I agree 84 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:25.959 with those, yes, and there's absolutely merit to that train of thought. 85 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:30.439 And most of the time it probably is the case. It wasn't quite right 86 00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:34.920 from the jump, and rather than you know, square peg round hole it, 87 00:06:35.319 --> 00:06:42.480 you just get out and move on. But there's also the other side 88 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:47.360 of those who say, well, maybe if you just communicated better, or 89 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:54.279 if you just got through that misunderstanding, or someone was willing to change their 90 00:06:54.279 --> 00:06:58.439 habits, And that is always the key to every relationship, even the ones 91 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:02.800 that are you know, blissful for forty years from the beginning, the willingness 92 00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:11.639 for one or both of them to change. And that's where this elasticity comes 93 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:14.720 from, not that you stretched it out so far out that you stretched out 94 00:07:14.759 --> 00:07:17.319 the sweater and it doesn't work anymore. It's that pulling apart and the coming 95 00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:24.959 together within a relationship that actually has benefit, you know, Do you want 96 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:27.680 to be in a relationship that is constantly fighting and making up? No, 97 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:33.360 you do not. It's too dramatic, it's too exhausting. Do you want 98 00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:36.199 to be in a relationship where where one is always looking at the good parts 99 00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:41.480 and one is always looking at the bad parts? The red flags green lights 100 00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:44.319 conundrum that we always come back to around here. No, you don't. 101 00:07:44.439 --> 00:07:48.120 That's not healthy either. And you can go to couple's therapy and work it 102 00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:50.879 out. But if you never work it out, then you're doing nothing but 103 00:07:50.959 --> 00:08:00.279 making a therapist very wealthy. But the best relationship I've ever had of you 104 00:08:00.399 --> 00:08:03.759 have had is the one where you had a crossroads come at you fairly early 105 00:08:03.800 --> 00:08:11.800 on, maybe ninety days in, and you asked a question, or you 106 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:18.920 gave an answer, or you took a stand one way or another ended it, 107 00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:24.399 and that became the light bulb or the impetus or even the ultimatum for 108 00:08:24.480 --> 00:08:33.919 the other person to know what you really want and see it clearly if you're 109 00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:35.600 going to do this, you're going to have to do this. And maybe 110 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:41.240 a day, a week, or a month later, somebody texts and you 111 00:08:41.279 --> 00:08:45.240 grab a drink and suddenly either you forget what you kept you a part or 112 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:50.159 remembered what brought you together, the possibilities. I heard someone say the other 113 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:58.080 day that almost nobody is afraid of marriage. Despite the general thought that a 114 00:08:58.080 --> 00:09:01.600 certain percentage of the population, especially the al population, is scared of commitment, 115 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:05.879 that's not really true. What they're scared of is commitment marriage with the 116 00:09:05.919 --> 00:09:13.600 wrong person, being stuck. And so a lot of early breakups and frequent 117 00:09:13.679 --> 00:09:20.759 ones. They're rooted in that I think I might maybe I don't know, 118 00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:22.279 I can't decide. Let me have some space and think, and let me 119 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:24.080 look around some more, and on and on and on, and you keep 120 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:28.200 circling back because maybe they weren't so bad, and let's try it again. 121 00:09:31.919 --> 00:09:35.240 So there's an element from the friends and the families that I can't believe you 122 00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:39.759 guys are still doing this. And there's also people who are like, I'm 123 00:09:39.759 --> 00:09:43.120 really glad you're still doing this. I like you guys together, work it 124 00:09:43.159 --> 00:09:48.000 out. You might say, if it isn't right to the point where you 125 00:09:48.120 --> 00:09:52.320 keep breaking it up breaking up, then it will never be right. And 126 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:56.919 you would be right to say that. And you might say I like it 127 00:09:56.919 --> 00:10:00.480 that you guys keep giving it a shot and working at it to to get 128 00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:03.120 it right and hopefully, maybe eventually you will get it right. And you 129 00:10:03.159 --> 00:10:07.279 would also be right to say that, because there's a million examples of both 130 00:10:09.480 --> 00:10:13.879 red flags though sometimes might be false flags, could be wrong and what that 131 00:10:13.960 --> 00:10:16.600 red flag might have been raised to you based on something that had nothing to 132 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:18.840 do with this person or their circumstance. You might see a red flag because 133 00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:26.879 sixteen boyfriends ago somebody did something similar, and green lights might be you know, 134 00:10:26.039 --> 00:10:31.840 yellow lights with a glare. So you take a minute, think about 135 00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:41.039 it, revisit it, and maybe up to a point. And I don't 136 00:10:41.039 --> 00:10:45.799 even know what that point is, because you obviously have to set some boundaries 137 00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:52.039 and deadlines and ultimately some ultimatums. Is that redundant? Ultimately some ultimatums. 138 00:10:54.519 --> 00:10:56.799 You know, you can't be doing it at twenty three and thirty three and 139 00:10:56.840 --> 00:11:01.519 forty three and you're still not anywhere solid. You can't do that. I 140 00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:05.600 get that everyone is on the clock here, But is it possible, No 141 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:11.279 doubt. So I want to get into the other example of revisiting the past. 142 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:15.679 But in the present, we got to pay for some things around here. 143 00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:18.840 I need to take a quick break, but we will be back right 144 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:26.600 after this. Okay, and we are back. We're talking about breaking up 145 00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:31.120 and getting back together. The boomerang dating scene might be like, well what 146 00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:35.879 about you know? And this came out came up a lot during COVID days 147 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:39.679 when we were sitting around not me. I was not sitting around you guys 148 00:11:39.159 --> 00:11:45.399 during COVID and thinking, oh, what about that girl from poly pside class 149 00:11:45.440 --> 00:11:48.879 in college? We only went out twice, but maybe I wasn't ready or 150 00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:52.759 you were bored and finish your binging and you're like, oh, what about 151 00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:56.440 that guy that I lived with for three years and they moved for a job 152 00:11:56.480 --> 00:12:00.639 opportunity. What about the one who you thought you were ready to propose to 153 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:05.639 but she didn't quite make you feel sure enough, you know? Or what 154 00:12:05.720 --> 00:12:09.039 about the one uh, you know you broke up with you because you were 155 00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:11.639 drinking too much or traveling too much or going out with the guys or the 156 00:12:11.639 --> 00:12:13.600 girls too much, And then you know, you saw them on Instagram and 157 00:12:13.639 --> 00:12:18.840 they seem single and lost weight and got their act together and whatever, and 158 00:12:18.840 --> 00:12:24.000 you're thinking, what about revisiting that? And half of you would probably say 159 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:30.519 no, no, no, stop revisiting, Move ahead, windshield not rear 160 00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:35.759 view merrit. But I'm the eternal optimist, and I am somebody who absolutely 161 00:12:35.759 --> 00:12:41.360 believes in and subscribes to not just the power of change, but the ability 162 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:48.639 to change. I'm stubborn in the belief that stubbornness can be overcome, that 163 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:52.600 if somebody says the right thing and the right way at the right moment, 164 00:12:52.759 --> 00:12:56.679 the light bulb can go off and the pieces can click into place, and 165 00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:01.480 everything can be different. And the biggest different sense can simply be you know, 166 00:13:03.320 --> 00:13:11.039 time and place. People grow up, people hopefully evolve, and people 167 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:18.080 have other relationships in between that might make you revisit and rethink the way you 168 00:13:18.120 --> 00:13:22.399 behaved in the earlier ones. You know, you might take some good things 169 00:13:22.440 --> 00:13:28.000 out of the relationships that happened between now, then and now. My friend 170 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:31.039 wrote a book once called I think it was called Everything I Learned About Dating 171 00:13:31.039 --> 00:13:35.600 a Man I learned from dating a woman, Meaning she was able to see 172 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:39.720 the patterns in herself when she was no longer the quote unquote girl in the 173 00:13:39.799 --> 00:13:43.600 relationship. And you've heard of say a million times that you know the answers 174 00:13:43.919 --> 00:13:48.159 always lie outside of your comfort zone. Well, for her, clearly way 175 00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:54.120 outside. That's where they were. That's where she found the answers. So 176 00:13:54.600 --> 00:14:01.080 anybody can find answers or have a wake up call or hit across or pressure 177 00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:05.840 point where bam, they are a different person, not so much that you 178 00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:09.840 don't recognize them, but enough that maybe some of the edges have been smoothed 179 00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:13.919 over. Flip side to that. Yeah, can someone change for the worst, 180 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:18.960 no doubt, But I think that will reveal itself soon enough. I 181 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:22.080 think that will reveal itself quickly if they are the same or if they've gotten 182 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:24.960 worse. You won't have to spend a whole lot of time on it, 183 00:14:24.039 --> 00:14:30.600 even if you do revisit. But I'm hugely open to somebody saying that the 184 00:14:30.679 --> 00:14:35.399 person from they dated, three, five, ten, fifty years ago, 185 00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:39.759 maybe I want to see how that might work out. I'm absolutely, yeah, 186 00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:46.919 fucking go for it. I prefer that to people who who never dated 187 00:14:46.519 --> 00:14:50.600 somebody and then they're suddenly like, Hey, that guy I knew from college 188 00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:52.720 as single, so maybe I'll go after him, Meaning that because you had 189 00:14:52.799 --> 00:14:58.159 one thing in common, that suddenly it was something worth pursuing when it wasn't 190 00:14:58.159 --> 00:15:01.720 worthsuing back then. Everybody has many things in common. We all have a 191 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:07.080 lot in common. We're I think I read ninety eight percent Our DNA is 192 00:15:07.159 --> 00:15:11.480 ninety eight percent of the same as a banana. So you got a lot 193 00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:15.159 in common with a banana, and you've got a lot common with everybody else. 194 00:15:15.399 --> 00:15:16.279 But if it's like, oh, we you know, went to junior 195 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:20.279 high together, let's talk about it, it's totally fine because you're using that 196 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:24.519 commonality as an opening to connect, which is great. You know, you 197 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:28.360 got to start somewhere, and sometimes the hardest part is recognizing and acting on 198 00:15:28.559 --> 00:15:33.120 and opening. Take that opening, have at it, fine, But this 199 00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:37.919 is about somebody looking at it and saying, what was the thing that broke 200 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:41.879 us up? And is this something that I have changed or they have changed, 201 00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:46.279 or time has changed, and maybe there is room for reconnection. I'm 202 00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:54.480 on the side of that. And you know you want to play a amateur 203 00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:58.519 professional psychologist on me here. Maybe that is me silently screaming to the world 204 00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:03.159 that I'm a better person than I was in my twenties and thirties, and 205 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:06.399 I want the world to recognize growth out of those of us who believe it 206 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:11.799 has taken place. Guilty, But I look at a lot of people, 207 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:14.039 you know, so you know, take caution with some of my words. 208 00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:18.559 They are biased. I'm a biased jury here, but I look at a 209 00:16:18.559 --> 00:16:26.080 lot of people recently and maybe they were so politically charged up. People on 210 00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:30.440 both sides of it have had their brains broken by Trump pro and con. 211 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:36.840 So do I think in ten years some people might be like, Jesus, 212 00:16:36.879 --> 00:16:40.279 I can't believe how much time and energy I spent obsessing and hating him. 213 00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:45.639 It actually changed my personality. And some people might be like, I can't 214 00:16:45.679 --> 00:16:51.320 believe I went so far down that road with that hymn them. I never 215 00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:53.720 really looked great in a red hat. Why did I wear it every day 216 00:16:53.720 --> 00:17:00.919 for six years? Yep. Time can bring wisdom and hindsight can bring clarity. 217 00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:06.359 But oftentimes what it also does is it brings an opportunity, one that 218 00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:11.200 you never fully appreciated, one that you never correctly acted on, and ones 219 00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:14.920 that you never knew you had. So for all those who say no, 220 00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:18.279 no, no, never, I hear you and I agree with you, 221 00:17:18.799 --> 00:17:22.759 And for those who say, well, maybe impossibly, and if only I 222 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:27.319 hear you and agree with you too, And every situation in relationship is different. 223 00:17:29.960 --> 00:17:33.119 So all I'm asking to do is just look at it and think maybe 224 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:40.200 because absolutism has no place in the love business. None. I will never 225 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:44.759 do that. I would never get no place. There always has to be 226 00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:51.559 nuance, and there's always room for interpretation, and there are always circumstances within 227 00:17:51.720 --> 00:17:56.839 and beyond your control. So in a nutshell, it's a big nutshell my 228 00:17:56.920 --> 00:17:59.799 answer to the question. It depends on the circumstance, and that is a 229 00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:04.240 that's a lazy answer, but it's also a definitive answer. Duck in the 230 00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:11.799 answer. Yeah, but definitive answer is possibly, which is good and which 231 00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:17.480 is why we debate and why the debate continues. So shoot me an email, 232 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:19.559 Great Load Debate at gmail dot com if you've got thoughts, questions, 233 00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:23.920 or a history with an on again, off again or a revisiting of an 234 00:18:23.920 --> 00:18:30.599 off again, and we'll get into it. Uh Like, Share, follow, 235 00:18:30.759 --> 00:18:34.160 Please review this podcast. Reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem because, 236 00:18:34.359 --> 00:18:38.359 as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. 237 00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:48.279 See you next time. The Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, 238 00:18:49.279 --> 00:18:53.279 the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.