WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:08.320 This it's the two seventeen Recovery Podcast with Corey Winfield. Hello, please listen 2 00:00:08.359 --> 00:00:13.000 to this important message. Your student loan has been flat for forgiveness. We 3 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:20.280 are able to remove your payments today. It is the twenty fifth of April 4 00:00:20.359 --> 00:00:23.719 twenty twenty three. My name is Cory Winfield, and this is the two 5 00:00:23.760 --> 00:00:28.480 seventeen Recovery Podcast from the North Studio today and joining me in studio, special 6 00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:32.880 guest is Adam. Adam. How are you doing? Man? I'm doing 7 00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:35.920 good. How's going well? It's going good? And then I realized that 8 00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:40.159 I didn't have you situated with a microphone yet here, So now that's better. 9 00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:45.560 Is this the proper distance? Probably? Okay, but if you're uncomfortable, 10 00:00:45.679 --> 00:00:49.359 we can move things. Well, we'll try this. I'm okay, 11 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.399 I'm doing good. Yeah, so you're doing well. That's good. And 12 00:00:53.320 --> 00:00:56.560 you're a part of two seventeen Recovery now, yes, sir, and you're 13 00:00:56.560 --> 00:01:00.479 going to start a meeting yep here at the Recovery Center. I think that's 14 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:03.359 awesome. And you were kind of playing with some names which I like, 15 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:07.159 yeah, up and at him, but just which is great? Right? 16 00:01:07.319 --> 00:01:12.359 And we were talking quite a bit earlier today about how I had a name 17 00:01:12.359 --> 00:01:17.239 when Ryan Beckman was on and in part of two seventeen Recovery, he was 18 00:01:17.280 --> 00:01:19.200 around and he lost a bet to me, and then he had to name 19 00:01:19.319 --> 00:01:23.560 his meeting what I told him to. And if you go back to the 20 00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:26.680 archives of our podcast, you can go back and listen to that bet being 21 00:01:26.680 --> 00:01:30.079 made. I can't remember what he what he lost, but his meeting was 22 00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:33.719 called to get Hard Meeting, right, and not a lot of people in 23 00:01:33.760 --> 00:01:38.000 Point City appreciated that when we put flyers up almost almost daily because people would 24 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:42.200 take them down because it'd be like, get hard this Tuesday at seven, 25 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:45.799 you know, calm, get hard. It was. It was great, 26 00:01:45.799 --> 00:01:49.040 like we had such a good time with it. And no, it was 27 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:53.560 a normal NA meeting that he that he hosted, and at the beginning of 28 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:56.159 it, he would say, welcome to the Tuesday and I get Hard meeting, 29 00:01:56.159 --> 00:01:57.079 and that was it. You know, it was a normal meeting. 30 00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:01.040 But we just had so much fun with them. And I think sometimes people 31 00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:06.439 forget that we're in recovery, man, like we're allowed to have fun, 32 00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:10.879 all right. Some of the people will say, but you're you're making a 33 00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:15.479 mockery of it. Winfield you're having too much fun. You're disrespecting people because 34 00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:21.319 you're name and stuff because you think it's funny. And I go, you 35 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:24.039 should talk to your therapists about that. And you made a point earlier when 36 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:29.319 we were kind of talking about this is like change the game up, you 37 00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:32.319 know, like what's wrong with having fun? Yeah, And that's the thing. 38 00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:36.560 I mean when we're when I was an active addiction, I mean, 39 00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:42.080 everything was negative and dark, and you know, we have to change our 40 00:02:42.120 --> 00:02:45.719 thinking. And I mean that's part of it. Like I was gonna say, 41 00:02:45.879 --> 00:02:47.840 if I would have heard that meeting, that would have been the first 42 00:02:47.840 --> 00:02:51.759 meeting I would have wanted to go to. I mean, and you know 43 00:02:51.879 --> 00:02:55.080 it, like you said, it's a name and it say it gets you 44 00:02:55.120 --> 00:03:00.240 in the door. It's the message you receive when you get there. It 45 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:02.520 is important, you know, so why not get people in the door however 46 00:03:02.599 --> 00:03:07.000 you can, you know what I'm saying, Like, make it fun. 47 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:10.000 I mean it's not like we're gonna be playing games and whatnot, but it 48 00:03:10.199 --> 00:03:15.639 you know, let's have a smile on your face. Let's be happy when 49 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:17.199 we leave the meeting. You know, let's be in a better spirit. 50 00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:21.560 That's what it's all about man. When you leave that meeting, do you 51 00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:25.120 feel better? And your brain is taking notes when you do, And then 52 00:03:25.159 --> 00:03:30.719 when a situation comes up you're not prepared for it catches you sideways. The 53 00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:32.520 first thing that hits you is I need to go to a meeting because your 54 00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:35.840 brain has already been taking notes, and hey, I feel better after I 55 00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:39.319 go to a meeting, after I get something off my chest. If you 56 00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:44.479 wanted to call it just the hey, the couple awesome fun guys, and 57 00:03:44.599 --> 00:03:47.159 a need to call it that, you know, like it's a name. 58 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:53.319 And here at two seventeen Recovery, we like to have fun, and sometimes 59 00:03:53.319 --> 00:03:55.479 we forget about it even in our day to day. You know, it 60 00:03:55.479 --> 00:03:59.919 could be monotonous, it could be boring, it could be too stressful, 61 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:02.800 like our days are like roller coasters and we never know what the next one's 62 00:04:02.800 --> 00:04:04.800 gonna bring, or who's gonna call and say, hey, we need this, 63 00:04:04.919 --> 00:04:11.039 or hey, can you help us with this? I have no idea 64 00:04:11.159 --> 00:04:15.240 and I like that, but also at the same time, it's it's scary 65 00:04:15.319 --> 00:04:18.399 some days, you know, Like I remember when it was just me and 66 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:23.480 I'd have a ride every single day, and it was it was almost too 67 00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:27.240 much and then I'd have a week with no rides whatsoever, and I'm like, 68 00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:29.079 oh, I kind of liked it, but I kind of didn't because 69 00:04:29.079 --> 00:04:30.120 I'm like, oh, man, like we really need to be helping people. 70 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:34.720 And you know, you can't just ride up to the block like hey 71 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:38.319 man, you don't go treat man, right, jump in, buddy. 72 00:04:38.519 --> 00:04:40.959 I guess that Florida before, but I think a lot of people got in 73 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:45.279 trouble. But I got to be able to jump on it when you have 74 00:04:45.360 --> 00:04:49.839 that opportunity, and you gotta be um, you gotta be flexible. You 75 00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:54.639 never know when that's gonna come up. No you don't, and just be 76 00:04:54.680 --> 00:04:58.759 as prepared as you can be when when the time comes to help out fellow 77 00:04:58.759 --> 00:05:04.000 person and recovery. And that's that's something that I really found that helped me 78 00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:08.439 when I was taking people to treatment, is just understanding that people are at 79 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:15.040 different levels and I have a chance to talk to somebody the entire time that 80 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:19.920 they're going to treatment, and I found it very rewarding for me. And 81 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:24.199 you know, they were asking questions like what about this, what about that? 82 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:26.360 How do you do this? How do you do that? And you 83 00:05:26.360 --> 00:05:28.920 know, to give them honest advice, and they don't owe me anything. 84 00:05:28.920 --> 00:05:30.160 I don't owe them anything. You know, there's no reason for me to 85 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:33.279 lie to them, and they can lie to me about oh no, I'm 86 00:05:33.319 --> 00:05:36.240 never doing it again, and okay whatever. Man, you know, it's 87 00:05:36.279 --> 00:05:41.000 not about not doing it again. It's about learning something and building on that 88 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:45.759 right. And that's the thing. And we you know, just given somebody 89 00:05:45.800 --> 00:05:49.079 a right, it gives us that opportunity to you know, I know when 90 00:05:49.079 --> 00:05:54.519 I was going through it, there's I could hear something a million times and 91 00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:58.920 then there was just one time that someone said it the right way and it 92 00:05:59.079 --> 00:06:01.319 actually resonated with me, and it's stuck, you know, And you just 93 00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:05.519 never know in a three and a half hour conversation, one thing you might 94 00:06:05.560 --> 00:06:11.720 say might help them take another step, you know. And I know things 95 00:06:11.720 --> 00:06:14.800 that people have said to me on the rides. I mean, you know, 96 00:06:14.839 --> 00:06:16.800 I'll take those things with me as well. I mean, like you 97 00:06:16.839 --> 00:06:20.800 said, it helps me as much as it helps them. And those conversations 98 00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:28.839 are the building black I think of the recovery community. I mean, it 99 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:31.639 takes each other, you know what I mean. You can't just not just 100 00:06:31.720 --> 00:06:38.079 anybody, I think, can you know, help in the way that a 101 00:06:38.120 --> 00:06:44.240 fellow in recovery can, you know, And yeah, it's it's awesome going 102 00:06:44.279 --> 00:06:46.399 to be able to do that every week, you know, it is you 103 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:49.519 know, and sometimes you're driving then you know, sometimes you don't feel like 104 00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:54.040 driving, but other other times it's just beautiful, you know, you're like, 105 00:06:54.439 --> 00:06:57.399 it's a beautiful day. Turn the radio up, you know. And 106 00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:00.399 I used to think a lot when I would be driving. I would just 107 00:07:00.439 --> 00:07:02.120 be thinking, like, how do I do this? And what do we 108 00:07:02.120 --> 00:07:04.839 need to do that, we need to do this, and and sometimes it 109 00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:08.839 wasn't about work. Sometimes it was about my marriage, or sometimes it was 110 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:13.439 about you know, if I was beefing with my mom or you know, 111 00:07:13.480 --> 00:07:16.120 like what's my sister up to? And what about my brother? You know, 112 00:07:16.279 --> 00:07:19.240 like how could I be how can I be a better big brother to 113 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:23.959 him? And and just just little things like that, you know, when 114 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:26.800 you're alone in the car and just in your own space and people call me 115 00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:30.439 and I would not answer it. This is my time right now, man 116 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:32.240 call him when I get home. I don't have a signal right now. 117 00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:35.079 Yeah, And especially like if you take somebody to say, if we leave 118 00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:38.439 with them, we have to drive them like in the morning, like three 119 00:07:38.439 --> 00:07:42.160 and a half hours away, and you're talking the whole time, you know, 120 00:07:42.199 --> 00:07:46.439 pretty much because this is a conversation and it's a real natural conversation that 121 00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:48.199 you have with someone. So then you drop them off and you kind of 122 00:07:48.199 --> 00:07:50.839 want that piece and quiet because you just just talk for three and a half 123 00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:56.399 hours and it's just like holy kind of ruminate on it too, you know, 124 00:07:56.519 --> 00:08:00.000 and you know, yeah, and you just kind of think, man, 125 00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:03.920 I hope that person makes it right. And sometimes we're taking people and 126 00:08:03.480 --> 00:08:07.079 they're not ready and you can kind of get that vibe from them when they 127 00:08:07.079 --> 00:08:15.079 say, well, I'm just not gonna drive anymore. I'm just not gonna 128 00:08:15.079 --> 00:08:18.439 get a driver's license. That's what I'm gonna do, right, Like, 129 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:20.560 well, the trouble's not you getting pulled over drunk. I mean that there 130 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:24.519 is some trouble, yes, yet some stuffy yeah, the drunk driving thing, 131 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:28.000 but like you understand, one is doing to your body, like it's 132 00:08:28.040 --> 00:08:31.159 it's not healthy, right. Oh no, I've only been drink on the 133 00:08:31.159 --> 00:08:35.679 weekends. Okay. I don't know. Like if if drinking ever did anything 134 00:08:35.720 --> 00:08:39.679 good in my life, then it would I'd be like, well, you 135 00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:41.799 might not want to do that because you've done so much awesome stuff when you 136 00:08:41.799 --> 00:08:45.480 were drunk, right, But how many people say that? Yeah, And 137 00:08:45.480 --> 00:08:50.600 that's the thing. If that was our experience, you know, if I 138 00:08:50.679 --> 00:08:54.240 had any of that left, you know, I could understand maybe still, 139 00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:56.879 you know, but that's the thing. For me. I had to. 140 00:08:56.720 --> 00:09:01.960 I had to work out every possibility of every way that maybe I could drink 141 00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:07.679 or maybe I could do it this way, you know, because I basically 142 00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:11.679 would think about that way until I did it, you know what I mean. 143 00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:18.200 And so today I don't have any ways left, you know what I 144 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:22.320 mean. And I don't know like you you hope that that's not what everybody 145 00:09:22.360 --> 00:09:24.240 has to do, you know, But for me, that's what I had 146 00:09:24.279 --> 00:09:28.679 to do, you know. So anytime I if there was anything, I 147 00:09:28.720 --> 00:09:31.679 said that, oh maybe I can do this, and I can't. You 148 00:09:31.720 --> 00:09:39.240 know, there's nothing. There's no drinking that works for me. And to 149 00:09:39.320 --> 00:09:41.399 look at it a different way too, is to think like, I've drink 150 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:46.960 enough for probably eighty people in my lifetime, and yeah, still it was 151 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:50.559 never good for me, and I've never never did anything good for me. 152 00:09:50.639 --> 00:09:54.080 The best thing that happened to me when I was drinking was the last time 153 00:09:54.480 --> 00:09:56.480 when I got arrested, you know, like that that's really what saved my 154 00:09:56.519 --> 00:09:58.840 ass. And you kind of had this same aggre as you when you can 155 00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:01.840 get do you hire or anything like that. But there was some consequences that 156 00:10:01.879 --> 00:10:05.159 happened to you. And I think by having those consequences, it makes you 157 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:11.440 more I do want to say accountable, but more I mean maybe accountable, 158 00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:18.279 more accountable to the situation and to changing, you know more. It's not 159 00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:20.960 accountable. I don't know what the word I'm looking for is. To me, 160 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:24.519 it made it made it all, especially in my situation. It made 161 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:31.720 it all feel real more real, um, because the going to jail thing 162 00:10:31.759 --> 00:10:33.480 was always one of my yets, you know ahead and yet you know, 163 00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:37.480 and I knew that. You know, you keep going, you keep doing 164 00:10:37.480 --> 00:10:41.960 what you're doing. It's it's inevitable, you know. Um. And so 165 00:10:43.279 --> 00:10:48.240 for me, that's kind of what it was. Um. It was more, 166 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:50.879 it was more the realistic of all that stuff can happen. You know. 167 00:10:50.919 --> 00:10:54.679 I had already had the lost the job, I had forever, lost 168 00:10:54.679 --> 00:10:58.840 a house, lost a car, broke up family, you know, I 169 00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:01.759 did all that, and uh, but the one thing I kept saying I 170 00:11:01.799 --> 00:11:05.159 haven't gone to jail yet, you know, and so and so I had 171 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:09.600 to do it. I had to try it out, you know. Um 172 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:15.039 no, but it uh, it's all, it's all, it's all part 173 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:18.600 of the big bag that got me here, you know, it's all pieces. 174 00:11:18.759 --> 00:11:22.759 And you know, to me, that was, Um, it wasn't 175 00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:26.600 my last straw because you know, I lived in my car for a little 176 00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:31.480 while afterwards. I tried maintaining different ways for a little bit, you know. 177 00:11:33.559 --> 00:11:37.000 Um, and then when that didn't work, you know, I went 178 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:41.519 back with what works. I called Corey, and I went back to treatment, 179 00:11:41.559 --> 00:11:45.200 and um, you know, since then, it's been good. And 180 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:50.519 um, you know, I don't think the jail thing was my final straw. 181 00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:54.360 I think the night I had before I went to treatment was my final 182 00:11:54.440 --> 00:12:01.240 straw. And U but um, yeah, the reality caught up to me 183 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:05.279 more when I went to jail, because that was something that I just I 184 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:07.559 think, you know, some of us think at different times, so maybe 185 00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:11.080 I'm not like them in this way or you know, And that was the 186 00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:13.639 one thing that I thought, you know, that I couldn't relate to and 187 00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:18.879 I couldn't this or that, you know, Um, you know, and 188 00:12:18.879 --> 00:12:22.480 and I guess, you know, you know what, I went to jail 189 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:26.360 four I it was kind of a weird way that it happened and everything. 190 00:12:26.600 --> 00:12:31.120 Um, but you know, some people say, oh, I can't believe 191 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:33.799 you went to jail for that or something, you know, And I was 192 00:12:33.799 --> 00:12:35.879 like, man, all the things I could have went to jail for, 193 00:12:37.080 --> 00:12:39.440 right, you know, that's the reality, you know, That's what I 194 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:43.120 That's what I thought about three days on the floor is you know, this 195 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:48.320 could have been this could have been me just waiting for myself because I killed 196 00:12:48.360 --> 00:12:52.600 somebody. I mean, it happened so much, and it's you know, 197 00:12:52.679 --> 00:12:56.840 and it's again that would have been a yet for me, you know what 198 00:12:56.879 --> 00:13:00.679 I mean. Like luckily I didn't get to that point. And you know, 199 00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:03.639 but yeah, yeah, somebody told me, I can't remember if I 200 00:13:03.720 --> 00:13:09.200 was a lawyer or what. But they were saying that you could have killed 201 00:13:09.240 --> 00:13:13.879 somebody and not even remember doing it, right, like straight up, blacked 202 00:13:13.879 --> 00:13:16.720 out drunk, Like you could have done that and you could have been in 203 00:13:16.759 --> 00:13:20.159 here for twenty five thirty years and you didn't even remember doing it, like 204 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:24.320 you have no memory whatsoever. And I used to think that people would were 205 00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:28.240 lying when they're like, man, I've blacked out. I'm like, man, 206 00:13:28.279 --> 00:13:31.600 you just cheating on your wife? Man, like that's this man up, 207 00:13:31.639 --> 00:13:37.879 bro, Yeah, bloked out. But then when I stopped drinking and 208 00:13:37.919 --> 00:13:41.159 started trying to be sober, and I would have pieced together a couple months 209 00:13:41.159 --> 00:13:46.440 at a time, and that I would go back drinking again. That's when 210 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:50.240 the blackouts would happen, when I started having that time in between. Because 211 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:52.399 when we go back out and use again, it's just as hard, if 212 00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:56.000 not harder, than we did before, right, And a lot of people 213 00:13:56.399 --> 00:14:01.799 with other substances they do the same thing. You know. That's why another 214 00:14:01.879 --> 00:14:05.559 reason why you know, heroin and stuff is so dangerous because people think, 215 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:09.519 oh, I go back using the same amount, right, but your tolerance 216 00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:13.320 is different now. And we see a half gallon, we go that should 217 00:14:13.320 --> 00:14:16.759 work for tonight, you know, Like I wouldn't. If I'm gonna go 218 00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:20.200 back out, I'm not gonna get a beer. I'm not gonna get a 219 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:22.720 pint. You know, that's not gonna that's not gonna work. And I 220 00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:26.240 need to get destroyed, and the half gallon would work, and that's what 221 00:14:26.279 --> 00:14:31.120 I would do, And so those blackouts would come and at the end, 222 00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:35.080 it was really bad, and you know that's why I kind of came to 223 00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:37.720 in the car and I just was like, wait what, I was in 224 00:14:37.720 --> 00:14:39.799 my parking spot. So I really didn't think I drove. I thought the 225 00:14:39.799 --> 00:14:43.600 cops would frame me and they were just out to get me and even smash 226 00:14:43.720 --> 00:14:46.240 my headlight in my car. I was like, man, they did a 227 00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:50.399 really good job. They even put a green like strip paint down the side 228 00:14:50.440 --> 00:14:52.039 of it, like I you know, made it look like I hit a 229 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:56.679 dumpster or something. Cops, Man, you go far with their stuff. 230 00:14:58.159 --> 00:15:01.440 They don't have anything better to do, right. But then when it was 231 00:15:01.120 --> 00:15:03.039 after that, I got out of jail, and I'm still like, not 232 00:15:03.080 --> 00:15:09.399 sure I even drove. And then I drink again, and I remember seeing 233 00:15:09.399 --> 00:15:11.639 the Brady Bunch and they would always ask us, you know, are you 234 00:15:11.679 --> 00:15:15.240 hallucinating? You every hallucinated? I'm like, how would I know? Well, 235 00:15:15.399 --> 00:15:18.039 I could see the Brady Bunch in my house. I remember thinking like, 236 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:20.120 oh, this is what they're talking about. If you were lousened. 237 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:22.679 I was like, this is pretty cool. Though I'm not even a Brady 238 00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:24.840 Bunch guy. I don't know, man, like they could have been so 239 00:15:24.919 --> 00:15:28.799 much cooler. Got Baywatch women running from my house. Now I got a 240 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:31.639 Brady bunch, Like, when the hell's up with that? Can you even 241 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:37.399 have cool hallucinations like Corey's got alis issues? Or it could have been worse, 242 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:39.519 you know, people on meth they're like, oh my god, Freddy 243 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:41.440 Krueger, you know, like, ah, so it wasn't that bad, 244 00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:43.480 but yeah it was. It was crazy and I remember thinking that, and 245 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:46.480 that's the last thing I remember. And I wake up to a text from 246 00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:48.320 my mom ask him when I was gonna pay my rent. I was like, 247 00:15:48.360 --> 00:15:50.679 I'll pay it on Monday. I started drinking I think on a Friday. 248 00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:54.320 I was thinking maybe a Saturday or Sunday or whatever. And she's like, 249 00:15:54.320 --> 00:15:58.240 Holley, it's Wednesday. And I'm like what all right? And I 250 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:00.639 look around there's all these empty half gallons, which I don't remember buying. 251 00:16:02.399 --> 00:16:04.000 I'm not big walker, right, you know, like did I walked a 252 00:16:04.039 --> 00:16:07.320 liquor story? It was pretty close, but I don't know, right. 253 00:16:07.960 --> 00:16:11.759 No, that's scary. And that's when it all kind of hit me, 254 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:15.159 like, no, I probably did drive and I just don't remember it right. 255 00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:21.200 And thank god, you know that my story didn't turn out like I 256 00:16:21.279 --> 00:16:23.840 could have, and you know, thank God that I did have some consequences 257 00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:26.200 and I had to do probation for a year, and that's when I just 258 00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:30.000 decided, Okay, we got to have a different approach here. The whole 259 00:16:30.519 --> 00:16:33.360 I hate where my life's at thing has to end at some point, and 260 00:16:34.200 --> 00:16:37.519 I have the power to do that. And I think going to treatment, 261 00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:41.799 being sentenced to go into whatever river would have been a harbor told me to 262 00:16:41.799 --> 00:16:45.799 do, which I need to go treatment long term ninety days to a year. 263 00:16:45.799 --> 00:16:51.080 And by having to do that ninety days, which only did sixty, 264 00:16:51.559 --> 00:16:52.720 it gave me a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do 265 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:56.960 in my life and how it could change things and what needed to be done. 266 00:16:56.960 --> 00:17:00.399 Because when you're into place the same place, like say, oh I'm 267 00:17:00.440 --> 00:17:03.759 just gonna quit drinking. You stay in your house, there's memories there, 268 00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:07.680 you know, and they will haunt you. But if you leave those go 269 00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:11.319 to a different place, it really gives you a chance to be free and 270 00:17:11.319 --> 00:17:15.440 to clear your mind a little bit. At least that's how I felt about 271 00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:18.759 it. So I was it was refreshing to go to a treatment center I 272 00:17:18.759 --> 00:17:23.160 had never been that was not a classroom union for me, right, and 273 00:17:25.519 --> 00:17:29.640 to just chill out and then to start again up here in northern Michigan where 274 00:17:29.680 --> 00:17:30.799 I could go. Nobody knows who I am, and this is great, 275 00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:36.119 not that I was that bad of a person, but nobody was asking about 276 00:17:36.119 --> 00:17:37.720 the radio station or what happened here, what happened there? Hey, you 277 00:17:37.759 --> 00:17:41.720 want to go get a drink. Yeah, that's a good point, none 278 00:17:41.720 --> 00:17:44.160 of that. And I wasn't running away from it, but it was it 279 00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:45.960 was refreshing and I noticed that immediately when and so we're living it's like, 280 00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:48.759 Okay, I'm living with a bunch of dudes, but you know what, 281 00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:56.519 that's okay people hang out with Oh yeah, and that's it's you know, 282 00:17:56.039 --> 00:17:59.559 um to go off of what you were saying too, is that routine? 283 00:17:59.640 --> 00:18:03.000 You know, like when he's um, you know, I'm I've kind of 284 00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:06.400 got the family side of it going on where I'm trying to keep the keep 285 00:18:06.440 --> 00:18:08.119 the family together, then get it back together, that type thing, you 286 00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:12.680 know. And so for me, I put off the sober living for a 287 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:15.920 couple of times, you know, um, because it was like, oh, 288 00:18:15.960 --> 00:18:18.839 we're you know, we're doing good. I'm gonna go back home and 289 00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:23.079 put this together. You know, and you know that was That's the stuff 290 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:26.000 that I didn't realize is I needed to build a new routine because I went 291 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:30.519 back home and I had the stuff in my head of what I should do 292 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:33.200 and everything, but I hadn't put it in motion yet, you know. 293 00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:40.960 And um, going back home, I just got right back in the same 294 00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:45.359 whole routine and all that. So when I went to Sober Living, that's 295 00:18:45.359 --> 00:18:48.319 what I used it for, is you know, I got to find a 296 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:53.000 routine for Adam that when he goes home. You know, these are the 297 00:18:53.240 --> 00:18:56.960 this is the things that UM have been helped These are the things that have 298 00:18:57.000 --> 00:19:02.200 been helping me stay sober. Um. This is what I have to implement 299 00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:04.119 in my life. And it wasn't anything crazy, you know what I'm saying, 300 00:19:04.200 --> 00:19:08.440 like um no, Um. Obviously with probation, I had to go 301 00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:15.160 to a meeting every day and that wasn't that wasn't an issue or anything and 302 00:19:15.400 --> 00:19:22.480 UM, but the stuff for myself was like we were talking to driving, 303 00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:26.440 driving and music is my meditation. You know, That's what I say, 304 00:19:26.519 --> 00:19:30.079 you know, just like you were talking about. UM, that's where I 305 00:19:30.119 --> 00:19:33.400 sort everything out in my head. If you give me an hour a half 306 00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:37.880 hour of music in my car, I can straighten myself right back out, 307 00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:41.400 you know. And it's a little thing, but it's huge for me. 308 00:19:41.440 --> 00:19:45.519 And I've actually, you know, I hear it from other people that it's 309 00:19:45.559 --> 00:19:48.720 common, you know that that's you know, but that's the opportunities we have. 310 00:19:48.839 --> 00:19:51.880 That's also I like mowing my lawn. I like snow blowing, you 311 00:19:51.920 --> 00:19:53.599 know what I mean. Like I like putting on the headphones, get in 312 00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:57.319 my own head and I can't you know. I'm still working on meditation because 313 00:19:57.319 --> 00:20:02.640 I love meditation. I like it, but um, it is it's a 314 00:20:02.680 --> 00:20:04.759 practice thing and I don't do it enough. It's that's you know, sitting 315 00:20:04.799 --> 00:20:10.480 in the silence is harder for me than they listening to music and you know, 316 00:20:11.400 --> 00:20:15.880 just going through my thoughts that way. But yeah, and so yeah, 317 00:20:17.079 --> 00:20:22.000 with sober living, it was I had to change routine and um that 318 00:20:22.119 --> 00:20:26.240 was huge, a big deal. And you don't have to live there forever. 319 00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:27.680 Some people think that that's what they're gonna do. They're gonna go to 320 00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:30.720 a place and live there forever. Some places won't let you live there forever. 321 00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:33.920 Someplace as well, I know Nathan's house, right, I want you 322 00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:38.240 can say there forever. As long as you're paying your sober living expenses or 323 00:20:38.240 --> 00:20:41.279 whatever, you're sober, it's not called the rent, and he calls it 324 00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:45.640 sober living. It's rent. Yeah, he rent a lot. As you're 325 00:20:45.640 --> 00:20:48.720 paying rent um and hitting your meetings and doing the things you're supposed to do, 326 00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:52.960 you could say there forever. Man, I would just say clean. 327 00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:57.160 You know, like a lot of people that I'll meet and you're going with 328 00:20:57.200 --> 00:21:02.480 me tonight to the treatments and are here to talk. I'll meet some people 329 00:21:02.480 --> 00:21:06.839 in there and they'll they'll say how bad they want it, And then you 330 00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:10.000 say, well, you know these other so we're living homes are full. 331 00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.799 But I know I wanted to Point City, but they don't play and you're 332 00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:17.839 not gonna be sneaky and do Oh no, man, well I think I'm 333 00:21:17.880 --> 00:21:19.839 just gonna go live with my girl again. You know, like they changed 334 00:21:19.839 --> 00:21:23.559 their tune real quick, and it's like, I thought you really wanted this. 335 00:21:23.599 --> 00:21:27.279 You were just feeding me this line to BS and and then that's fine. 336 00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:30.839 I've fed enough people the BS line too, you know. But I 337 00:21:30.839 --> 00:21:33.720 because because I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and if something 338 00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:37.920 seemed hard or if I was in danger of getting kicked out of a place, 339 00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:40.480 and well, I wouldn't want to go there, and if, especially 340 00:21:40.519 --> 00:21:42.079 if I knew I wasn't done, you know, And I still thought, 341 00:21:42.119 --> 00:21:45.160 well, I'm gonna do it my way once I get out of here. 342 00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:48.160 I'm gonna give it a couple of months and then I'll I'll start drinking on 343 00:21:48.200 --> 00:21:52.160 Saturdays again, which never worked. I don't need this level of whatever. 344 00:21:52.440 --> 00:21:57.400 No In You said something earlier too about and I'm sure it was the very 345 00:21:57.440 --> 00:22:02.279 early stages with you as well, when you first went to treatment, and 346 00:22:02.599 --> 00:22:07.839 you know, you were a drinker as am I or was. I thought 347 00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:10.920 I was better than the other people, Like it was a real thing. 348 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:14.079 I really thought, like all these you know, junkie people. And I 349 00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:17.160 don't know if that's from the movies that I picked that up. I don't 350 00:22:17.160 --> 00:22:22.039 know if rust of society kind of feels that way sometimes too. But I 351 00:22:22.319 --> 00:22:25.200 had that attitude until I really started getting to know these people, and then 352 00:22:25.240 --> 00:22:27.160 I realized that I was just an opportunity away from being hooked on with they're 353 00:22:27.160 --> 00:22:30.640 hooked on. Oh yeah, and when you're drunk, you're like, sure, 354 00:22:30.680 --> 00:22:33.279 I'll try it. At least I was sure it was that cocaine. 355 00:22:33.319 --> 00:22:36.119 Sure, let's try it. Oh meth, Sure, let's try it, 356 00:22:36.480 --> 00:22:38.079 you know, heroin, Sure, let's let's try it. Right, I 357 00:22:38.119 --> 00:22:42.079 did it all and every time I was drunk, right, So, but 358 00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:45.519 yeah, but early on though, I really thought like, oh okay, 359 00:22:45.559 --> 00:22:48.119 And I remember a fam I remember saying to you like, oh, at 360 00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:49.559 least you're not as bad as them, And I was like, you know, 361 00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:55.200 I am, I might be a little worse, right, you know, 362 00:22:56.440 --> 00:23:00.759 but it's it's a funny, funny thing. You remember, Jamie, 363 00:23:03.400 --> 00:23:04.359 he was in treatment with us, you know, Adam and I went to 364 00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:10.160 treatment together. I was your mentor and mentor. And then they gave me 365 00:23:10.160 --> 00:23:11.880 another guy, which was crazy and that you were like, I'm number one. 366 00:23:12.359 --> 00:23:15.799 So Adam went by number one, and the other guy he's hit me 367 00:23:15.880 --> 00:23:21.680 up a month ago for some reason. They wanted Corey mentoring a bunch of 368 00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:23.039 people. I don't get it. Yeah, it's crazy, right, And 369 00:23:22.839 --> 00:23:26.000 then they're telling me that they're making me leave before my ninety days because I'm 370 00:23:26.039 --> 00:23:30.119 not taking it serious? Am I having too much fun? That was an 371 00:23:30.119 --> 00:23:34.880 interesting collum my probation officer. Sound was like the best thing about that place. 372 00:23:37.880 --> 00:23:41.000 Yeah, and it was great because my Privas officer, it was just 373 00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:44.799 like okay, She's like, wait, you're supposed to be their ninety days. 374 00:23:45.720 --> 00:23:48.400 I said, yeah, they'll let me go out you sixty. She's 375 00:23:48.440 --> 00:23:52.839 like why, It's because I'm doing so good. She's like, okay, 376 00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:56.279 well you're out on Monday. You need to be here Tuesday nine am. 377 00:23:55.759 --> 00:23:59.519 I okay. And I was ready at that time too. And everything happens 378 00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:02.839 for a reason. My pride was hurt, sure, because I was like, 379 00:24:02.920 --> 00:24:03.799 I was really offended because I was taking it serious, you know, 380 00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:07.759 but yes, I was having fun. It was a nice mixture of the 381 00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:12.200 two. But um, and I don't remember when I was saying, oh 382 00:24:12.279 --> 00:24:15.759 Jamie, yeah, Jamie when he came into treatment, and it was my 383 00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:21.559 kind of my first as I got on like a Friday night into that treatment 384 00:24:21.640 --> 00:24:26.240 center and Saturday morning they had like a group that everybody meets together. And 385 00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:30.480 I went in there and the guy that's my roommate at that time was Jamie 386 00:24:32.680 --> 00:24:34.839 and I didn't really get a chance to meet him yet. But he stands 387 00:24:34.880 --> 00:24:37.880 up and he says, oh, you m f first bringing your drugs up 388 00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:42.400 here. You need to go back downstates. See he thought that all the 389 00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:48.160 drugs in Potoski and Traverse City in northern Michigan were brought by people from Battle 390 00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:52.839 Creek, and like everybody was like, who's this old dude? And it 391 00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:56.720 was but it just showed you, like his mentality. And then he figured 392 00:24:56.759 --> 00:25:00.880 out that he was, you know, like hooked on he was getting from 393 00:25:00.920 --> 00:25:06.079 the VA. He's like, oh wait, that's opioid. And it's like, 394 00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:08.559 wait, so you're drawing from alcohol am opioids, buddy? Like right. 395 00:25:11.559 --> 00:25:15.720 It was. It was crazy though, and then like his tune change 396 00:25:15.720 --> 00:25:18.440 and he's got a couple of years clean now, and he went through some 397 00:25:18.519 --> 00:25:22.519 hard, hard times and you know, I think he's still having his you 398 00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:26.640 know, issues just with life like everybody else, but he's doing a sober 399 00:25:26.680 --> 00:25:29.400 and he realizes that that's a better way to go. And I saw him. 400 00:25:29.480 --> 00:25:33.279 I think it's Easter. He posted a picture on Facebook of him and 401 00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:36.799 his family, you know, his daughter, his boys, and he's just 402 00:25:36.839 --> 00:25:40.240 like smiling, you know, and it's like, man, I haven't seen 403 00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:45.920 a picture like that of Jamie like forever, you know. But yeah, 404 00:25:45.119 --> 00:25:49.119 he's enjoying what life is really about. But you get lost in that addiction 405 00:25:49.160 --> 00:25:53.599 sometimes and it's hard to pull yourself out. And that's that's why it's addiction. 406 00:25:53.680 --> 00:25:56.599 And that's why it's so hard, is it. It jumps on your 407 00:25:56.599 --> 00:26:00.319 brain and it just tells you this is what we need to live, right. 408 00:26:00.759 --> 00:26:03.119 And if I went up to somebody and said you can't eat anymore, 409 00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:06.720 they would say what the hell, Like, what do you mean you can't 410 00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:08.799 eat anymore? Man? That's the same as telling me I can't drink anymore. 411 00:26:10.279 --> 00:26:12.119 That's crazy. And I might go, oh, okay, yeah, 412 00:26:12.160 --> 00:26:15.920 well if you eat it again, I'm gonna throw you in jail. Okay, 413 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:18.480 okay, he's gone, let's eat no. And you could become that 414 00:26:18.519 --> 00:26:22.359 way. You become that sneaky because you just figured, well, that's stupid. 415 00:26:22.839 --> 00:26:25.640 My brain is telling me I have to And it's not. The brain's 416 00:26:25.640 --> 00:26:29.039 not in there telling you you have to drink now, but it is, 417 00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:33.200 and in different little ways, it's your voice saying it's all right, man, 418 00:26:33.640 --> 00:26:37.599 like you deserve this, buddy. It's almost like the the good angel 419 00:26:37.640 --> 00:26:41.279 and the bad or the devil, you know that's on your shoulder and he's 420 00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:44.559 just like, hey, man, you can do it this time. And 421 00:26:45.480 --> 00:26:48.200 ninety nine times out of one hundred the angel wins. But it's just that 422 00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:53.319 one time that devil or whatever gets in your head and you start putting it 423 00:26:53.359 --> 00:26:56.119 together and you start making it even a better idea. Well, hell, 424 00:26:56.880 --> 00:27:00.599 we might get two of them. And that's a thing like you know, 425 00:27:02.039 --> 00:27:03.599 you know, I always just looked at it. I mean, I used 426 00:27:03.640 --> 00:27:07.000 to think the devil and angel type thing too, but you know, I 427 00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:11.240 just kind of think of it now too as my addiction talking to me, 428 00:27:11.319 --> 00:27:15.039 like it finds, it knows what buttons to push with me, you know, 429 00:27:15.039 --> 00:27:18.000 And I have to like think of it as something separate like that too, 430 00:27:18.079 --> 00:27:22.119 because um, it is. I mean, if you know, it's 431 00:27:22.119 --> 00:27:23.880 like, oh, my shoulders really hurting, you know, you know, 432 00:27:23.880 --> 00:27:27.160 Oh I got a toothache that I can't really fix a toothache. Maybe some 433 00:27:27.279 --> 00:27:32.160 whiskey, you know. Yeah, and that's and then uh the obvious stuff, 434 00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:34.400 Oh I got kicked out, Oh I lost my job. Oh, 435 00:27:34.480 --> 00:27:37.640 this person's mad at me. You know, my dog got run over. 436 00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:44.039 I mean, and that's a thing like it'll find if you if you give 437 00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:48.799 it, um, you know, give it an inch. I mean, 438 00:27:48.880 --> 00:27:52.200 it'll it knows, it knows where to go, you know what I'm saying. 439 00:27:52.279 --> 00:27:56.519 And that's it's it's you. So there's no escaping it, and so 440 00:27:56.119 --> 00:28:03.880 um yeah to me, so training yeah, you know, it's like no 441 00:28:03.039 --> 00:28:08.279 excuses. It's so hard to come back, and because you can't stop, 442 00:28:08.319 --> 00:28:12.279 at least with ours and other people probably the same. It's just it's not 443 00:28:12.319 --> 00:28:15.720 as easy to stop as you thought it was. And there's what your brain 444 00:28:15.759 --> 00:28:18.680 told you. Oh you'll just do just drink Saturday, brunnie. It's fine, 445 00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:22.559 but we can't and you can't turn it off, and then we wrecked 446 00:28:22.599 --> 00:28:27.359 everything else again and the shame and guilt you know, that stuff kicks in 447 00:28:27.440 --> 00:28:30.839 real quick too, and then you feel like just a liar and you're a 448 00:28:30.880 --> 00:28:36.839 fake and just let everybody down again. Just keep drinking, yeah, because 449 00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:40.079 then you don't care because you get the efforts and then you can be like 450 00:28:40.160 --> 00:28:41.240 if it, if you know they don't like it, then they don't need 451 00:28:41.279 --> 00:28:45.319 to be around me, because this is who I Yeah, yeah, this 452 00:28:45.400 --> 00:28:48.799 is this is me, man, this is the best me they're ever going 453 00:28:48.839 --> 00:28:52.359 to f them all, which is not us. It's not it's not who 454 00:28:52.400 --> 00:28:56.039 we are. It's and that's the thing. We needed it. But it's 455 00:28:56.039 --> 00:29:00.319 like we needed to give ourselves the time to see it though too, you 456 00:29:00.319 --> 00:29:02.759 know what I mean, Like I had to prove it to myself again, 457 00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:06.319 you know, and I couldn't do it in a couple of months or you 458 00:29:06.359 --> 00:29:11.240 know, six months, like you know, it's it's it took some time 459 00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:14.559 and it was worth every minute of it. But it took some time and 460 00:29:14.599 --> 00:29:18.119 it takes. Everybody's got a different different length, different way, different path. 461 00:29:19.720 --> 00:29:26.279 It's all worth it, though it was a somebody here told you. 462 00:29:26.279 --> 00:29:30.200 We're in the North Studio. It's Adam. Hey, Adam Nuth. How 463 00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:34.480 are you hello? Adam Nuth is at the North Studio. How's it going, 464 00:29:34.519 --> 00:29:40.160 buddy, welcomes, what are you doing? I'm talking about some business? 465 00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:45.559 But I wait, well, we're gonna talk some business now, Adam 466 00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:48.839 Nuth. You're gonna say hi to the people in the world on the earth. 467 00:29:48.799 --> 00:29:52.960 Hello, people of the earth. Thank you. Adam will be on 468 00:29:53.039 --> 00:29:56.680 soon. We talked about that today, but he's gonna be gone for a 469 00:29:56.680 --> 00:30:00.359 minute. But Tuesday, week from today, week from today. Nice, 470 00:30:00.519 --> 00:30:03.880 yes, sir, thank you Adam Nuth on the program. Do you get 471 00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:07.039 back with the other we're wrapping it up, man, Where are you going? 472 00:30:07.039 --> 00:30:12.039 Adam? Okay, thanks for listening. Now we're gonna do my inaugural 473 00:30:12.160 --> 00:30:15.920 one anyways, just gonna have to erase it anyway. It takes time to 474 00:30:17.039 --> 00:30:18.960 edit it. I don't feel like it. No. Thanks for listening though, 475 00:30:19.000 --> 00:30:22.759 and if you don't have the app, and we'll continue our serious talk 476 00:30:22.799 --> 00:30:26.440 about all that serious stuff we're talking about at another dating time. But yeah, 477 00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:30.000 get the app. There's gonna be meetings on there that you can join 478 00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:32.720 us, and you can join Adams meeting through the app or a website, 479 00:30:33.279 --> 00:30:36.759 so do get that. It's freeds and the Apple play Store, the Apple 480 00:30:36.839 --> 00:30:41.200 Store, the Google play Store works, so check it out and sign up 481 00:30:41.200 --> 00:30:44.200 for a free shirt as well. To seventeen recovery dot com, thanks for 482 00:30:44.319 --> 00:30:48.359 listening to the two seventeen Recovery podcast. We hope you come back for our 483 00:30:48.400 --> 00:30:49.279 next episode.