Hi everyone, Welcome back to another podcast episode. My name is Elisia Gogin,
the host of the Globe Seekers podcast. Why I help you expand your
mind and become more self aware so that you can glow up into the best
version of yourself. All right, guys, I am prerecording this episode,
so when you listen to this episode, I will be in Calgary living my
best coastal calgirl life. So if you aren't following me on Instagram, definitely
go check out my Instagram Elisia go again so you can see what I've been
up to. So if you're watching on YouTube, I'm not really done up
that much, like didn't do my hair, like just throw on this this
T shirt. I literally just came from the coffee shop. I was considering
going to the gym, but then I was like, okay, I need
to charge my AirPod, so maybe as they're charging, I'll just record this
episode. And I also had a situation not situation, actually I had an
example of something that I can use within this podcast. Happened this morning,
or I was discussing something with my friend this morning, I should say,
regarding relationships, and I think like I can totally use that and so I
was like, I think today needs to be the day that I record this.
But we need to talk about how to have healthier relationships, because realistically,
on this Glow Up Journey, if you are new here, we have
a series going on this summer all about how to glow up into the best
version of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, all of the spiritually, everything.
And we need to talk about relationships. And I think that a lot
of us really struggle with having healthy relationships. There's so much misinformation online there,
like relationships in general are just hard to navigate, and I want to
talk about some of the things to help you with developing healthy relationships with others.
I will say that this information I'm going to use examples when it comes
to like intimate relationships, and for me, I date men, So dating
men, you can obviously apply this to the opposite, and also you can
apply this when it comes to like friendships and stuff. But we're going to
be talking more about our intimate relationships now. One of the things that I
think a lot of us don't put enough emphasis on when it comes to having
healthy relationships is becoming aware of who we are are in relationships what our needs
and what our wants are a lot of the times in society, we go
out and we date and we put a lot of focus on the man.
We put a lot of focus on what they want or what we should like,
how we should act in relationships. Everyone's saying like, there's this standard,
there's that standard, you have to say these things, you have to
play this game, this, that and the third. But the thing is
is everyone is so unique and so different, and we all have our own
relational history based off of our past and our earliest childhood memories and our memories
our relationships towards our parents, siblings, school, They really form who we
are as people now and how we show up in relationships. And we need
to know what our needs and what our wants. What are the things that
we didn't get in childhood, what are the things that we value. We
need to know these things so that when we go out and when we go
date, we can obviously express our needs and our wants, and we don't
take things so personally if things don't work out in relationships, because we understand,
okay, maybe we're not compatible. But I think a lot of the
times, you know you have the story of who you should be and what
you should want in relationships, and then when you go into relationship and things
don't work out, you might think that it's you. You might be thinking
that it's them and they're the problem, when really there's just a lot of
incompatibilities. But there's honestly a lot of patibilities a lot of the times with
people because they don't know themselves, they don't know what they really need and
what they want. So I want to talk about some of those things and
how to kind of explore who you are in relation to other people, because
I really do think the more you know yourself, the more you're able to
navigate relationships, you're able to navigate life in general, because you know what
you want, what you don't, what you need, what you don't need.
So I actually took this masterclass. It's actually called Masterclass. I'm sure
maybe some of you guys have heard of it online. Very good self development
platform if you are looking to learn anything about communication and relationships or personal branding.
Like they have so many experts in different fields where they give you essentially
a masterclass, and one of the ones that I watched was from Esther Perel.
I think that's how you say her last name. But she and I've
read some of her books, I've listened to her podcast. She is transformative
when it comes to somebody who really understands relationships. She is a I believe
she's some sort of like psychotherapist, Like she's a therapist essentially. She works
with couples, families, things of that nature or whatever. She really understands
relationships from a very healthy perspective. And I like her take because she talks
about the human desire in both men and women when it comes to having freedom
but also still being kind of domesticated in a way. And I know that's
not really the right word, but it technically is. It's like a lot
of us we want security, we want commitment, we want protection, we
want all these things, especially women, right, But on the other hand,
we do have this desire to go and explore and be free, and
how do we have that healthy balance within a relationship towards another person also towards
ourselves. So she really talks about the ebb and flow of honestly human desire
and going out and feeling free and doing whatever you want, but also still
having more of that monogamous relationship that a lot of us still crave. Essentially,
she really teaches people how to have healthy, secure attachment styles. If
you guys don't know what attachment styles are, there's many of them. If
I'm going to be talking about any of them, I will be referring to
anxious attachment styles and avoidant attachment styles because I do think that those are the
most prevalent. There is a book called The Power of Attachment, which is
very, very good. I forget the author's name, but I will have
it linked in the show notes if you're interested in attachment styles. But anyways,
I watch her masterclass and she starts off with really understanding yourself and your
history when it comes to being able to actually have healthy relationships. So I
have made a bunch of note so we're going to go through them a little
bit. And this is something that you can journal on and something that I
was able to think about as she was going through this. But I definitely
have explored a lot of these questions that she had posed to the audience,
and I think these questions are so good because it really can help you navigate
relationships. So first question she had was what is your family history like?
And I think This is important to understand because you tend to be usually like
your parents or your family dynamic, or you could be completely opposite. But
for instance, my family aka my household, let's actually used household instead of
family because family can be very very broad. But my household, we were
very to ourselves. And I don't mean like I was to myself and my
mom was to herself, and my dad was to hisself what she kind of
was. But like obviously within our household, we communicated and we were like
a family as healthy as we could be or not whatever, but in general,
like we kind of were a close knit, closed off family. We
did our own thing. My parents definitely did own thing, Like they definitely
were like the best friend type of couple, Like they went out and they
socialized at the end of the day. Like they didn't have like all of
these extended family members coming in and giving them input on the relationship. They
didn't have a lot of friends that were like always coming around the house and
chilling and you know, very open household things like that. There wasn't like
these huge family ties. We were just very to ourselves. And I realize,
like that's how I am in my life, Like I am somebody who
is more introverted. I am not really an extroverted person, although I absolutely
can be. And that's something that my parents were like too, Like they
were they could be social if they wanted to, but in general, on
a day to day basis, they're kind of more introverted, kind of kept
to themselves, like did their own thing. And it's important to know if
you're kind of more that introverted type of person or that extroverted type of person,
because okay, well, now when you go out and you date or
you're in relationships, you can start to see how, okay, will this
person be compatible with me or not, considering I know myself and I am
this introverted person or I am this extroverted person. Now, this doesn't mean
that you have to stay introverted if you were taught to kind of be introverted,
But for me, I like being that introverted type of like keeping things
to myself. Obviously I've had to learn how to open up sometimes that's very
healthy. But that's the dynamic that I feel safe in. That's the dynamic
that I kind of want. And so if I go out and I meet
a guy who I feel like there's something off. Well, I can kind
of check is this person even like is this person to introvert like me?
Or is this person always wanting to party and wanting to go to vacations and
wanting to do all these things. And it's fine if they do, but
it's like, how are they in relation to that vacation? Like are they
somebody who wants to just go party every single night and go out and meet
a bunch of people, or on vacation, are they somebody who wants to
lay by the cabanas and have a drink and be with this girl and just
kind of relax and listen to music. Okay, well that's more my type
of guy. Doesn't mean that I can't be with somebody who wants a party
all the time, but most likely that might cause some issues. And so
when you are constantly fighting with somebody, let's say you guys go on vacations
all the time, and like he's wanting to do completely opposite things, it's
not again to be like, oh we have to break up, but it's
just to look and being like are we even compatible? Because realistically, I'm
an introvert and I want to live this certain way and it seems like you
are completely different. We don't need to demonize, we don't need to be
mad at the fact that this person is different. It's just to look at
the fact that we are different human beings. And this doesn't mean that I
have to tell you that you're a bad person or you're wrong because you want
to go party or you want to do these extroverted things. Simply I've been
taught and this is how I like to be, which is a little bit
more low key. So what is your family history? What was your household
dynamic? Do you like it? Do you want to change it? What
is that? Just becoming curious because again, you have all of your relationships
that you have right now. Even the relationship towards yourself is all based off
of the relationships that you've experienced in the past. If you're having trouble being
in relationships, having healthy relationships, you need to look back at your history.
Another question that she had asked was do you seek security or freedom?
Now, this is something so important for you to understand about yourself, but
also to be able to see it within other people. And for me,
I'm going to just say see it in men now. Obviously, it's important
to know, like do you want more secure relationships aka do you want to
be in a monogamous relationship, let's say, Or do you want more freedom
and you want to kind of like either you're like open relationships or you just
want to explore. You know. Obviously depends on the stage of your life
as well, but it's way deeper than you just being at a certain age
like I'm in my twenties, I want to have freedom. This that No,
it actually does come down to the relationships that you had towards your parents.
So let me just give you an example of like what I want and
why I want it. When I was young, I absolutely wanted freedom,
which is in most cases a lot of kids want that. You know,
a certain age, if your parents are very overbearing, you're gonna want freedom.
You're gonna naturally want to go and explore and just like have total freedom.
And for me personally, I honestly felt like a slave when I was
around my father, So I really wanted freedom. Now I wanted probably too
much freedom because I had too much security and it wasn't even healthy security,
right. I basically felt like I was in jail. So when you feel
like you're in jail, what are you gonna want? You're gonna want freedom
ten times more than it's like a natural normal thing. It's normal for us
to want to have freedom into play. And now I'm talking about a healthy
secure attachment by the way, like a secure attached person that has a healthy
relationship with themselves and other people, they naturally will want to go out and
play, but they also want to come back. But when you feel like
you were in a jail cell, you don't want to come back from that,
and in fact, the freedom seems so much better and so much like
you. All you want is that freedom. Same way as when you go
on a diet, instantly you want that cake ten times more instead of just
knowing that you can have it whenever you want. So really, it's important
to see some of your dynamics with your earliest caregivers or whoever you were around,
to see, Okay, why is it that I want so much freedom?
Or why is it that I want so much security? Because this is
what also happened to me when my father passed away, and I kind of
grew out of that wanting so much freedom. I got to a point where
I became very financially stressed. My mother wasn't able to support me, she
wasn't really around. I lost that masculine structure in my life, even though
it wasn't that healthy. So I started to seek a lot of security.
Again not a bad thing, we all need it. But I got to
a point where I was in fight or flight all the time. All I
wanted what Like, I stressed about everything. I stressed about money. I
stressed about my life, which again understandable because I was in a state of
literal like, yes, I have to stress about these things in a way.
But it became too much to the point where I was such a stress
case that I would catastrophisee everything. I would literally be worried all the time.
I would have so much anxiety, I'd be overthinking everything, to the
point where literally I had chronic diseases. Like I was very, very unhealthy,
and that's also not a good place to be at. But what I
really just needed was a little bit more security in my life. But sometimes
what we do in relationships, we don't understand just how much we might be
operating out of this place of scarcity because of our childhood, and then we
expect our significant other to provide us all of the security, and no matter
what, usually doesn't even end up helping, because when you're scarcity, nothing
really actually makes you more secure until you start to heal. Really, but
this is where our relationships start to go unhealthy, because we're expecting somebody to
provide us security in which we never even got in childhood. Again, it's
not a bad thing that you might need a little bit more reassurance, you
might need a little bit more security, And of course it's okay that you
want. Let's say I'm anogamous relationship from somebody, that's fine, But it
really is about rebalancing certain things in your life. So you know, how
can I add some more masculine structure and more security with in my life without
asking somebody else to do it for me? How can I bring more of
that into my life and not just get it from my significant other? Same
thing goes if you really want freedom, okay, well there might be a
part of you that still wants a relationship. Well, you know you have
to understand that you being in this free flowing whatever, you're not gonna be
able to be in an monogonamous relationship. If you're acting like you just want
to be free all the time. But also in general, it's important for
you to know whether you want more freedom or you want more security, because
also you don't have to change this part of you like crazy, right you
might naturally you're gonna be somebody who wants a little bit more freedom or a
little bit more security. Now this is important because you're gonna go out in
the world and there's gonna just be some people who want that freedom. Okay,
Well, if you're somebody who leans more to wanting security, and you're
gonna be struggling with trying to be in a relationship with somebody who clearly wants
freedom, and especially if they know they want freedom and they don't want to
change that about them at all, then it's like you keep pushing against a
brick wall. You're trying to date somebody who is clearly incompatible for you.
And I think a lot of the times, especially women, they don't understand
who it is that they're dating when it comes to does this man want freedom
or security? Now, I will say I really do think a lot more
men lean towards wanting that freedom, especially if they have a lot of responsibility,
and especially though if they've already come from a family where there was a
lot of suffocating in a way, you know, like the mom is always
like mothering him, and like dad's always telling him what to do. Again,
it's not really a bad thing, it's just to understand, Okay,
well, this person most likely is going to grow up wanting a lot more
freedom, and so you might think that it's like them wanting to literally not
be with you. But if you understand that person, okay, well maybe
they just need a little bit more freedom, more time, more space.
And again, you want to make sure that this person would even be compatible
for you, because you know there are men who just want freedom to the
point where I want to sleep with everyone. I don't want to commitment obviously
talking about those men, but understanding your partner and realizing, okay, no,
wonder you want a little bit of freedom, I don't have to even
take it personally, because it's not personal. It's you wanting to live out
a desire that you really weren't fully able to live out throughout your childhood.
And the same thing can be said when it comes to security. There's a
level of just wanting to be secure in relationships, and there's a level of
you just having an anxious attachment style, and when you are anxiously attached and
when you need somebody to validate you and to tell you that they're there and
to not leave you. On one hand, that's not necessarily a bad thing
to want to have somebody want you invalidate you. But I find a lot
of women who are anxiously attached. They have these high standards of what this
man should be doing, let's say, texting you all the time and constantly
telling you where he's at and all of these things. But it's like the
half or more than half of the reason why you just want those texts anyways,
is really out of a place of trauma, is really out of a
place of your anxious attachment style, and understanding that that's not a healthy state
to be in, is to be anxious all the time. Now this is
not to say, of course, you want to be with a partner who
sends you a text and lets you know like where they're at, even if
they have a busy day, and not go ghosts for three days. Like
obviously that's a normal healthy thing. But you have to ask yourself the question,
well, if I need somebody who to constantly text me all day and
to tell me how much they like me, and to like always be there.
That is really not healthy because why is it that you can't sustain that
on your own. Why can't you trust that this person is going to be
there for you at the end of the day or whenever it is. But
when we don't know ourselves and we don't know, we're anxiously attached, or
we need more freedom or security. When we don't get what we want,
we just yell at the other person. We just tell them they need to
do more. You need to text me more, you need this. Okay,
Well, why is it that you want somebody to text you all of
the time, constantly updating you, constantly just like being in your phone and
like complimenting you or doing whatever. And a lot of that is because you
are anxious, You aren't secure, and you need that constant validation to make
you feel safe. Well, that is not a healthy way to live life.
You should naturally be feeling quite at ease even when your partner is a
way working or not texting you. This comes back to having a healthy secure
attachment style. A secure attachment style is basically this When you were a child
and you're with your parent and you're going to the park. When you see
a bunch of kids playing, you naturally want to go and play. You
want to have fun, You want to go explore. Right, someone with
a secure attachment style, it's going to maybe look at mom or dad and
be like, can I go play? Like I really want to go play,
like oh my gosh, And then the parent says, yes, go
play, And you are going to trust that you can go play and that
your parent is going to be there. And so when you go play,
your head is not thinking about is mom or Dad's still there? Are they
still gonna like me when I come back? Am I a bad person because
I went and played? Oh my god, X Y and Z. You
go, you play, You have an amazing time. Your mind is not
on your parents. Your mind is literally with children right now or whatever it
is you're doing. And when the time is up to just like not be
free anymore, Like Okay, I want to come back to like solidarity,
and I want to come back to comfort in security. I'm going to come
back because it's a natural desire for me to want to leave that freedom for
a moment after I've had enough I want to come back to my parents,
and I know my parents are going to be right there, and I'm going
to feel safe and calm. That's ebbing and flowing through security and freedom.
But unfortunately a lot of us did not have that relationship with our caregivers.
We literally sometimes our parents just left us. And I don't actually mean at
the park, but you know whatever, you can apply this to any situation.
But let's say our parent just wasn't there, or they told us to
go, or they told us to go play when we weren't ready, or
we didn't feel safe enough in that environment but they said go do it anyways,
or again they weren't there when and we came back, or sometimes they
were there, sometimes they weren't. That was my situation. Sometimes my dad
would pick me up, sometimes you wouldn't. When he would tell me he
was gonna come pick me up at a certain time, he'd be late all
the time. And it's no wonder that you end up being this anxious person
because you have been taught to not know whether your parent is going to come
and pick you up right now, or not know if somebody's going to show
up for you. And then on top of that. What we do is
we internalize that and then we think, oh my god, it must be
me, Like maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm not worthy of Dady coming
to pick me up every single day. There has to be a reason.
We come to these conclusions at very young ages. And then on top of
that, we learn to repeat these same attachment styles with friends, with lovers,
with everything, and even towards ourselves. When somebody doesn't show up consistent
for us in our lives, we learn to not even value consistency at all
or discipline. And what can also happen is we start to have their relationship
towards ourselves. We don't show up for ourselves, we don't value ourselves,
we don't love ourselves because we have been taught that that is how it is.
And realistically, it's not you. It never was you. Because this
is what happens is your parents also have attachment styles. Your parents also might
have been avoidant or distant or anxious or X, Y and Z and could
only do so much. So again, it's just to really understand your history,
understand how you show up in relationships. Is there things that you can
self correct in a way? How can I be a little less anxious in
my relationships. Well, one is going to be making sure that I'm with
a partner who understands my needs and wants. And I have to understand who
this partner even is. Is he somebody who's very, very avoidant and doesn't
really want to communicate. Okay, well that might not be good for my
anxious attachment. But on top of that, it doesn't mean you can never
be with a guy who usually tends to lean on the avoidance sometimes, because
what you will find is, once you do work more on your anxious attachment,
you will find yourself needing less and less reinsurance from somebody. Now,
another thing that she was talking about in the masterclass was are you raised for
more autonomy or loyalty? So essentially, are you really all about yourself more
or do you put other people first? Moore? Now, I think what's
important to know is why it is you are more autonomous or you're more loyal,
And usually it's some sort of trauma response in a way, there's always
light and dark sides to everything. So you could just be a naturally loyal
person and that's just who you are, and that's great, and it's not
really this trauma response. But a lot of the times, the reason why
let's say women will be extra, extra, extra loyal is actually a fond
response and a fawn response from the nervous system episode that we talked about.
Is really you trying to people please, You trying to not rock the boat
by always showing up and always being there and always being a good girl,
never making mistakes because you learn how to do that around apparent. But of
course that's not really a healthy state to be in because you are a human
being, and like, it shouldn't be that you're always adjusting and microadjusting really
to somebody's emotional fluctuations of life, and really you should have certain needs and
wants that need to be taking consideration before someone else as well. It shouldn't
always be no matter what this person is on this pedestal and I'm all the
way down here, but that's usually how you have learned to be in relationships.
So then you show up as this very extra loyal person. And again,
it's not a bad thing to be loyal. It's not you're going to
naturally fall on one side or the other. But in general, when you
are to the point where somebody can be hurting you. Somebody can be literally
disrespecting you, and you're still going to be loyal, Like that's when you
want to look at why am I like this? This is not healthy?
And then on the other side, being autonomous, autonomy can move into selfishness
very very quickly, and I will be very honest with you guys and say
I was very autonomous, AKA, I was very self centered and very selfish
when I grew up. But that was also out of a trauma response,
because I learned to not really value relationships for many reasons, one being the
family dynamic that I grew up in, but also I was in such survival
mode that I really had no time to care about other people. I had
to care about how it was money, how I was going through college,
how I was getting my health issues like worked out and fixed really, and
so unfortunately my relationship suffered. I didn't put a lot of emphasis in time
about caring about other people. I cared about being autonomous. I cared about
being just myself, but not a healthy autonomous, not just being able to
be on my own. It was basically this mentality of everyone for themselves,
like there was no taking consideration of other people, And realistically, if you
think about a family system, a family dynamic that's healthy, a healthy community,
you're always making sure that those people in your community are being brought in
and you're taking care of other people and other people were taking care of you.
But I didn't have that. I never valued family, I never really
valued relationships. But as I got older and I healed a lot of my
anxious attachment styles. Not styles, but I healed my anxious attachment style,
and moving from scarcity and survival into more abundance and trusting and just healing energy,
I tapped into the desire within me that does want to connect, that
does want family, that does want to take care of other people. But
it's sometimes hard to do that when you are literally in survival mode. And
so again understanding why it is you are the way that you are, and
learning, okay, can I self correct a little bit? And how if
I self correct, will that allow me to have the actual relationship that deep
down I'm really wanting, Because again, there was a deep desire for me
to actually have family and to take care of people, and I want to
care about people. Obviously I'm much different now, but you know, like
I really want to take care of people, but I just couldn't do it.
And I couldn't do it because I was in survival. It's not because
you're a bad person. It's not because you're just this one way and like
you can't change again. It's gonna be up to you if you want to
change or not. But there's usually some sort of desire once you start to
become aware of how you are in relationships, of wanting to care for other
people and not be so one way. But I think what can help when
it comes to change is changing out of a place of exploration for yourself and
who you are in your story, and changing out of a place of self
of love versus self hate. Because what we do when we realize, oh
my gosh, I've been this selfish person. Oh my god, I'm so
bad. Like I have to change, like I need to care about people
more. But if you don't know why you're even like that, you trying
to change from a place of shame won't last, and it usually won't last,
especially if you're in scarcity anyways, because you'll always pick survival out of
anything else, even when it comes to you wanting to be free more or
you want to be more loyal. Even if you realize you being super super
loyal to somebody who disrespects you, and you realize that that's not healthy,
you're still going to do that if you're operating out of a place of trauma,
because this is your trauma response, is your survival mechanism. That's how
you survive. Even though you might look at it and be like, oh
my god, no, being loyal to default can be really bad for me,
Like look at all the ways that it's so bad, Like I have
to stop. Well, there's a part of you that is convinced that being
loyal is the way to keep you safe because you've learned how to do that
in your childhood. And so if you want to change that part of you,
to change it from a place of being like this is so effed up,
Like I need to change now, it's not really going to work,
okay. Another thing that she had asked in the class, which I think
is so good, but she had asked, what stories are you telling about
yourself when it comes to you in relation to other people? Because this is
really important, you know, especially if you are going through your past and
you're seeing your attachment styles and you're seeing your traumas and all of these things.
Okay, we can use that information to self correct in a way,
to heal, to show up differently in relationships, but at the end of
the day, we don't want to use that story or stories as the reason
why we don't get what we want in our lives, especially when it comes
to relationships. So I'm going to give you a few of the stories that
I was stuck in, and some of them I was holding these stories on
before I really knew my attachment style and like all of my trauma and how
my earliest childhood relationships were like the same as the ones that I was having.
And then also even after I did a lot of self reflection, one
of them was I suck at connecting with other human beings, or like suck
at connecting with men in general, because I had a very hard time with
being myself authentically with men, because I struggle to do that even with my
father, because I felt like I couldn't, because I really kind of couldn't,
And so I kept telling myself that story like it was so hard and
I can't be myself and no matter how many times again into relationships and I
try I keep failing. Like having that story is not going to actually help
you become better at connecting with men. Like this is not to say that
maybe you suck at connecting with men because you don't know how to be authentic
because you feel afraid or you feel like you can't be authentic, But you
also don't want to tell yourself that story because what's gonna happen is it's going
to be ten times harder for you to actually try to be your authentic self
and take off that mask in relation to men to the point where, yeah,
one little thing happens, or let's say you have an opportunity to be
a little bit more vulnerable in your relationship and then you don't do it because
maybe you got scared. Then if you start telling your self the story of
like see like this is I just can't do it and this that, well,
then you're never going to get good. And this is the thing.
When you are trying to be a better person in relationship, you're just trying
not to let your your anxiety really take over, your traumas take over.
You're gonna you're not going to be perfect with it. You're gonna stumble uphill
you're gonna make a mistake. When you make mistakes, or when you see
that you've been acting a little bit out of your anxious attachment style a little
bit too much forgive yourself self correct. Don't tell yourself see I can never
do it and oh my gosh, relationship is so hard and I know it
can be very very difficult. Another story that kind of piggybacks off that same
one. Once I started to become very self aware of how I am in
relation to men mainly, but even friendships as well, I didn't have like
the best friendships like I did my absolute best. But I would just tell
myself like, I'm the one that doesn't get to be normal, doesn't get
to be herself, doesn't get to be authentic. I am too awkward.
It is gonna be too hard, it is gonna take me too long,
and I don't know how it is. And I'm ever gonna actually be myself
in relationships like those are the stories I was constantly telling myself. And I
think Esther wrote this. I'm not sure I haven't written here. I don't
know if she said it or what. But you really have to break up
with this story. Okay, when you are aware of who you have been
in relationships. If you want healthier relationships, which you have to believe that
you can have them. Okay, understand that most people don't have healthier attachment
styles. They are trying to navigate relationships as much as they can. People
in marriage like, there's come on, everyone usually has a relationship issues.
Okay, but you need to stop telling yourself the story that you can't change,
that you can't have what you want. It is going to take practice,
It is going to take you being aware of who you are and just
self correct. But you can have better relationships. The more I heal,
the more I work on myself, the more I become self aware, the
more I really analyze how I show up, and I ask myself questions as
to why did I just act like that? Why did I just get triggered
from that? What can I do to change? This has nothing to do
with me trying to change somebody else in a relationship. The more times that
I've done that, the healthier my relationships have been, the better my communication
has been. But the thing is, when we want to fix anything in
our lives, we are so black and freaking white with things. We just
think Okay, next relationship, it's going to be healthy and I'm gonna look
for a healthy man and I'm gonna be in a healthier person. Yeah,
until you get in a relationship and this person triggers the f out of your
attachment style or your traumas or your whatever, and you have to constantly work
on these things. It's not gonna be like tomorrow you wake up and you're
just deciding you're going to be in a healthy relationship with a secure person.
Especially if somebody is in a more secure attachment style or let's say they are
avoidant. There's going to be things that come up in your relationship where you're
gonna have to in that moment work with yourself. And a lot of people
will say this, you know what, it's too hard. I'm just gonna
heal on my own and I'm just gonna work on myself now. Of course,
there's always there's always room for you to like take some time for yourself.
Maybe you've been somebody who's constantly relationships and they haven't been working out and
they're very toxic or whatever, like, maybe you have to learn how to
have that relationship with yourself. Realistically, the relationship you have with yourself is
a very big reflection of what you're seeing on that outside world as well,
especially in relationships romantic as well. But there is a lot to be said
about you healing in relationships. This is the thing. And I was talking
to my friend Joey about this last night. Actually, when people realize they
have crappy relational dynamics, what they want to do is they want to say,
screw it, I'm not going to have relationships until I either heal myself
completely, which is an illusion, or in general they're just like, I'm
not gonna do it. Okay, Well, let's be real. Everything is
relational and eventually you're gonna want to be in a relationship. Okay, if
you want to be single for thus of your life, then this advice is
not for you. So we can't go to the extreme and say we can't
we don't want to ever be in relationships. And I'm gonna use an analogy
of a car. What has happened to you in your life is this.
You got a car that was not really working the best, and you tried
to drive that car, and unfortunately that car drove you into a wall.
That car broke down, that car did not get you from A to B
to C. Maybe it got you from A to Z. It's very messy.
You is very chaotic. It wasn't the best experience driving the car.
It's the same thing as you being in unhealthy relationships. Okay, things happened,
maybe you got hurt, maybe whatever happened. Okay, But instead of
wanting to just upgrade the car and to look at why it was breaking down
in the first place and searching for a better car or saving money for the
better car, like doing whatever, what we do is we just say I
don't want to drive at all. I do not want to drive a car
at all. I don't even want to drive. I'm just never gonna drive
ever. But it's like, realistically, no, you're gonna need to drive
eventually. Now we're not obviously going to think about the fact that you can
take transa and you can do ubers and other people can drive for you.
This that no, no, no, okay, let's just assume that there's
no or transportation. You're gonna need to drive a car. In fact,
you're gonna have to learn how to even be a good driver. And you
weren't really able to even learn how to be a good driver in this car
because this car was not equipped to allow you to be able to be the
best driver you could be. And the same thing goes in relationships like you've
had shitty relationship ships, yes, But in order for you to have a
better driving experience aka a better experience in relationships, you need to find a
person who is healthier. You need to show up a better way. You
also need to look for things in which will help you in that relationship.
So it's same thing when it comes to a car, like now when you
go to a dealership, you're going to be looking for are these interest rates
too high? Does this have what I need? Like? Does it have
AC? Does it you know? Like? How many clombers does it have?
Like? How expensive is it? Like? Whatever it is, you're
going to need to look and see what you need. And in order for
you to know what you need, you need to look at your past,
for one, but also to understand that the only way you're going to get
better at driving a car and having a good car experience is you actually trying,
you actually doing. And the same thing goes for relationships, like there
are just going to be things that you're not going to be able to heal
when it comes to being in a relation to another person other than actually being
in that relationship. There's so many things that you don't get triggered about when
it comes to someone else when you are single. When you are single,
yes things can be great and you're never getting triggered. But when you get
into relationship and triggers start to come up, a lot of people will be
like, oh my god, no, I can't be a relationship or no.
You could work to those triggers and you can see why it is you're
getting triggered in the first place, and you can learn how to deal with
them. You can learn how to transform them. You can heal so that
you can have what you want, which is a relationship. Hello, we
are relational human beings. You didn't come into this earth to go live on
an island by yourself. That doesn't that's not how it works, that's not
how we have evolved. That is just not what it is. It's okay
that you're getting triggered, but it's like, how you respond to that trigger
is what's most important, and so I truly do thing. Once you start
to become very very aware of who you are in relationships who you are in
general. It's going to help you be able to develop empathy, to understand
when other people show up in a certain way in relationships, whether that be
friendships, romantic partners, your parents, whatever. You can understand, oh,
it makes sense why they really really love freedom, or it makes sense
why that person's very anxious, and usually that really annoys me because they're so
goddamn anxious and they want me to like constantly be reassuring them and whatever.
But I can understand why. Now this is not to say, of course
you're going to aid them to you know, not heal in a way.
Obviously you need to have certain boundaries. But it's so much easier in life
when you can understand other people and how they show up to help you navigate
on what should you do in that relationship? Should I accept it? Should
I work with them? Or is this person just not for me? But
on top of that, for you not to get so triggered by people just
being themselves, you know, understanding that there's incompatibilities, not taking things so
personally as well. That's another thing. When let's say you're with a guy
who is clearly pretty avoidant. They want a lot of freedom. They are
clearly not wanting to commit. You don't have to take it personally like it's
you and you're not a good person, or like they don't like me and
I'm not pretty enough, or like I'm not X Y and Z. No.
Simply they have wants and needs. Let them be okay. I understand
that you have wants and needs as well. This also can help you get
out of toxic cycles and behaviors. When you realize a person who's showing up
toxically in your relationship, they're most likely not going to change their ways until
they work on their side of their relationship, their internal relationship towards themselves.
But also you can see how you would be a match to that person as
well, and you can decide whether you want to change, you want to
heal. And what ends up happening when you want to change and heal is
that person usually goes away or that person can conform. It depends, but
in general, you will bring yourself up to a healthier status in a relationship.
In general, it's what's happened to everyone who does it, It's happened
to me. It's amazing. It can definitely be a lot of work,
and I think this also can just help you become the change. When you
understand yourself in relationships and people, you tend to have more confidence within yourself.
You tend to not take things personally, You tend to go for exactly
what you want. You tend to stop being so afraid to set boundaries and
communicate, which is what you need in relationships anyways. And you stop looking
towards everyone else to change, and you just become that change and you show
yourself. What happens when you change is there becomes a reflection. When you're
at this higher status, when you're at this higher value, when you take
care of yourself, when you love yourself, you will start to attract people
who are on that same frequency. But what we want is we want the
shiny object, we want the healthy relationship, but we're not looking internally and
to see how we are attracting this person, how we are also playing a
role in this toxic relationship. It always takes two. So I hope this
episode made you think a little bit more about yourself and how you show up
in relationships. Understand that it's a journey. Understand that I have absolutely been
there, like really I've had to do a lot of work when it comes
to my relationships, and I'm at a very good spot in my relationships right
now because of this work that I have done. I do think getting the
book The Power of Attachment can be very helpful to understand yourself deeper because there
are different attachment styles based off of your childhood, and it obviously gives you
ways in which that you can respond differently to new things in your life.
I also just think cultivating a healthy, deep relationship with yourself can be very
beneficial for you to pour into yourself, for you to build up your confidence,
your self worth, to have goals, to have projects, to have
a life, to have friendships, especially female friendships if you're a female.
For you to take time to detach, especially if you're anxious, testing out
your ability to go and have fun and to be free, and to take
your mind off of a person, or having that spotlight on everyone else but
yourself, becoming that main character, romanticizing your life more. These are all
little things that will really help you heal that anxious part of you, but
also on the flip side, to just own who you are. Right Like,
for me, I know my history and I know my anxious attachment style
and it can definitely get flared up sometimes depending on the situation. And I
have done a very good job at emotionally regulating and like working on myself and
whatever. But there's still a part of me that does want security, and
so I'm owning that. When I'm communicating my need within a relationship, I
am still saying, like, actually, yeah, I do still need some
reassurance that you are here though, like I do need that consistency. I
am looking for that security, and that's okay that you want that. Of
course, by the way, I wouldn't be communicating like that to a man,
just saying but I just mean in general, like I would be communicating
my needs. I wouldn't feel ashamed about that. But I would also understand
that there are there is going to be a time where I need to regulate
myself and I need to watch when I get a little bit too triggered.
And how you know that as asking yourself, why is it that I'm feeling
this way in the first place? When somebody acts a certain way, what
does this make me feel? And usually it makes you feel like something that
you felt in your childhood. So I think another good resource is to go
back and to listen to the nervous system episode and distressing, because you know,
even if you're not doing this in terms of relationships, understanding how to
heal your nervous system and being in fight or flight and trauma responses, and
just having practices set up in your day where you are distressing and you're self
reflecting and you're journaling and you're having your routines, it's going to really help
you be able to show up a more confident, healthy way and a relationship.
And what I tend to find, especially when it comes to men,
men are attracted to women who have the spotlight on their cells. Actually,
and I don't mean in a very narcissistic way like I'm the best, no
one else can beat me in this that, but seriously, like it's so
healthy and so attracting when somebody can see you just loving yourself. So that's
the takeaway. Love your freaking self and know yourself. I hope you guys
enjoyed this episode. Don't forget I do have one on one coaching which I
will open reopen sorry when I am done with the Stampede. So just follow
me on Instagram. If you're interested in that. I also have journal guides,
I have the heal To manifest I Reopen the Abundance Mindset one. I
also have Inner Child Discovery journal prompts. So all the links will be down
below. I hope you guys enjoy today's episode, and I'll see you in
the next one. Bye.