WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:02.919 Hi everyone, Welcome back to another podcast episode. My name is Elisia Gogin, 2 00:00:03.000 --> 00:00:05.960 the host of the Globe Seekers podcast. Why I help you expand your 3 00:00:05.960 --> 00:00:08.839 mind and become more self aware so that you can glow up into the best 4 00:00:08.919 --> 00:00:13.160 version of yourself. All right, guys, I am prerecording this episode, 5 00:00:13.160 --> 00:00:18.039 so when you listen to this episode, I will be in Calgary living my 6 00:00:18.120 --> 00:00:22.519 best coastal calgirl life. So if you aren't following me on Instagram, definitely 7 00:00:22.519 --> 00:00:25.359 go check out my Instagram Elisia go again so you can see what I've been 8 00:00:25.399 --> 00:00:28.440 up to. So if you're watching on YouTube, I'm not really done up 9 00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:31.359 that much, like didn't do my hair, like just throw on this this 10 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:34.640 T shirt. I literally just came from the coffee shop. I was considering 11 00:00:34.640 --> 00:00:37.280 going to the gym, but then I was like, okay, I need 12 00:00:37.320 --> 00:00:41.280 to charge my AirPod, so maybe as they're charging, I'll just record this 13 00:00:41.320 --> 00:00:46.600 episode. And I also had a situation not situation, actually I had an 14 00:00:46.600 --> 00:00:49.960 example of something that I can use within this podcast. Happened this morning, 15 00:00:50.079 --> 00:00:53.479 or I was discussing something with my friend this morning, I should say, 16 00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:56.920 regarding relationships, and I think like I can totally use that and so I 17 00:00:56.960 --> 00:00:59.159 was like, I think today needs to be the day that I record this. 18 00:00:59.479 --> 00:01:03.480 But we need to talk about how to have healthier relationships, because realistically, 19 00:01:03.640 --> 00:01:07.799 on this Glow Up Journey, if you are new here, we have 20 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:10.480 a series going on this summer all about how to glow up into the best 21 00:01:10.519 --> 00:01:14.400 version of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, all of the spiritually, everything. 22 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:18.000 And we need to talk about relationships. And I think that a lot 23 00:01:18.079 --> 00:01:23.319 of us really struggle with having healthy relationships. There's so much misinformation online there, 24 00:01:23.439 --> 00:01:26.319 like relationships in general are just hard to navigate, and I want to 25 00:01:26.319 --> 00:01:32.040 talk about some of the things to help you with developing healthy relationships with others. 26 00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:36.599 I will say that this information I'm going to use examples when it comes 27 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:40.760 to like intimate relationships, and for me, I date men, So dating 28 00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:44.760 men, you can obviously apply this to the opposite, and also you can 29 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:47.280 apply this when it comes to like friendships and stuff. But we're going to 30 00:01:47.319 --> 00:01:51.840 be talking more about our intimate relationships now. One of the things that I 31 00:01:51.879 --> 00:01:56.319 think a lot of us don't put enough emphasis on when it comes to having 32 00:01:56.359 --> 00:02:01.400 healthy relationships is becoming aware of who we are are in relationships what our needs 33 00:02:01.400 --> 00:02:06.239 and what our wants are a lot of the times in society, we go 34 00:02:06.280 --> 00:02:08.039 out and we date and we put a lot of focus on the man. 35 00:02:08.439 --> 00:02:13.520 We put a lot of focus on what they want or what we should like, 36 00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:16.520 how we should act in relationships. Everyone's saying like, there's this standard, 37 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:19.960 there's that standard, you have to say these things, you have to 38 00:02:19.960 --> 00:02:23.439 play this game, this, that and the third. But the thing is 39 00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:29.360 is everyone is so unique and so different, and we all have our own 40 00:02:29.520 --> 00:02:36.479 relational history based off of our past and our earliest childhood memories and our memories 41 00:02:36.520 --> 00:02:42.319 our relationships towards our parents, siblings, school, They really form who we 42 00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:46.319 are as people now and how we show up in relationships. And we need 43 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:49.719 to know what our needs and what our wants. What are the things that 44 00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:52.680 we didn't get in childhood, what are the things that we value. We 45 00:02:52.719 --> 00:02:55.360 need to know these things so that when we go out and when we go 46 00:02:55.479 --> 00:03:00.439 date, we can obviously express our needs and our wants, and we don't 47 00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:05.919 take things so personally if things don't work out in relationships, because we understand, 48 00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:07.719 okay, maybe we're not compatible. But I think a lot of the 49 00:03:07.719 --> 00:03:10.680 times, you know you have the story of who you should be and what 50 00:03:10.719 --> 00:03:14.479 you should want in relationships, and then when you go into relationship and things 51 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:16.479 don't work out, you might think that it's you. You might be thinking 52 00:03:16.479 --> 00:03:20.639 that it's them and they're the problem, when really there's just a lot of 53 00:03:20.680 --> 00:03:24.919 incompatibilities. But there's honestly a lot of patibilities a lot of the times with 54 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:29.719 people because they don't know themselves, they don't know what they really need and 55 00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:32.000 what they want. So I want to talk about some of those things and 56 00:03:32.039 --> 00:03:37.000 how to kind of explore who you are in relation to other people, because 57 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:38.360 I really do think the more you know yourself, the more you're able to 58 00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:45.120 navigate relationships, you're able to navigate life in general, because you know what 59 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:46.919 you want, what you don't, what you need, what you don't need. 60 00:03:47.080 --> 00:03:52.560 So I actually took this masterclass. It's actually called Masterclass. I'm sure 61 00:03:52.759 --> 00:03:57.719 maybe some of you guys have heard of it online. Very good self development 62 00:03:58.159 --> 00:04:03.120 platform if you are looking to learn anything about communication and relationships or personal branding. 63 00:04:03.159 --> 00:04:08.639 Like they have so many experts in different fields where they give you essentially 64 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:12.800 a masterclass, and one of the ones that I watched was from Esther Perel. 65 00:04:13.479 --> 00:04:15.840 I think that's how you say her last name. But she and I've 66 00:04:15.240 --> 00:04:19.680 read some of her books, I've listened to her podcast. She is transformative 67 00:04:19.720 --> 00:04:25.800 when it comes to somebody who really understands relationships. She is a I believe 68 00:04:25.879 --> 00:04:29.519 she's some sort of like psychotherapist, Like she's a therapist essentially. She works 69 00:04:29.560 --> 00:04:32.240 with couples, families, things of that nature or whatever. She really understands 70 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:39.759 relationships from a very healthy perspective. And I like her take because she talks 71 00:04:39.800 --> 00:04:45.480 about the human desire in both men and women when it comes to having freedom 72 00:04:45.560 --> 00:04:48.079 but also still being kind of domesticated in a way. And I know that's 73 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:50.959 not really the right word, but it technically is. It's like a lot 74 00:04:50.959 --> 00:04:56.720 of us we want security, we want commitment, we want protection, we 75 00:04:56.759 --> 00:04:59.639 want all these things, especially women, right, But on the other hand, 76 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:02.839 we do have this desire to go and explore and be free, and 77 00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:10.600 how do we have that healthy balance within a relationship towards another person also towards 78 00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:15.160 ourselves. So she really talks about the ebb and flow of honestly human desire 79 00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:19.079 and going out and feeling free and doing whatever you want, but also still 80 00:05:19.120 --> 00:05:24.480 having more of that monogamous relationship that a lot of us still crave. Essentially, 81 00:05:24.519 --> 00:05:28.399 she really teaches people how to have healthy, secure attachment styles. If 82 00:05:28.439 --> 00:05:32.079 you guys don't know what attachment styles are, there's many of them. If 83 00:05:32.120 --> 00:05:34.399 I'm going to be talking about any of them, I will be referring to 84 00:05:34.519 --> 00:05:39.600 anxious attachment styles and avoidant attachment styles because I do think that those are the 85 00:05:39.639 --> 00:05:44.079 most prevalent. There is a book called The Power of Attachment, which is 86 00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:46.279 very, very good. I forget the author's name, but I will have 87 00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:48.839 it linked in the show notes if you're interested in attachment styles. But anyways, 88 00:05:49.199 --> 00:05:54.800 I watch her masterclass and she starts off with really understanding yourself and your 89 00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:58.959 history when it comes to being able to actually have healthy relationships. So I 90 00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:00.560 have made a bunch of note so we're going to go through them a little 91 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:03.519 bit. And this is something that you can journal on and something that I 92 00:06:03.560 --> 00:06:06.519 was able to think about as she was going through this. But I definitely 93 00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:12.079 have explored a lot of these questions that she had posed to the audience, 94 00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:15.319 and I think these questions are so good because it really can help you navigate 95 00:06:15.360 --> 00:06:18.319 relationships. So first question she had was what is your family history like? 96 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:25.839 And I think This is important to understand because you tend to be usually like 97 00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:29.199 your parents or your family dynamic, or you could be completely opposite. But 98 00:06:29.279 --> 00:06:32.600 for instance, my family aka my household, let's actually used household instead of 99 00:06:32.639 --> 00:06:36.240 family because family can be very very broad. But my household, we were 100 00:06:36.360 --> 00:06:40.839 very to ourselves. And I don't mean like I was to myself and my 101 00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:43.519 mom was to herself, and my dad was to hisself what she kind of 102 00:06:43.639 --> 00:06:47.120 was. But like obviously within our household, we communicated and we were like 103 00:06:47.160 --> 00:06:53.079 a family as healthy as we could be or not whatever, but in general, 104 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:57.439 like we kind of were a close knit, closed off family. We 105 00:06:57.560 --> 00:07:00.399 did our own thing. My parents definitely did own thing, Like they definitely 106 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:03.879 were like the best friend type of couple, Like they went out and they 107 00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:08.319 socialized at the end of the day. Like they didn't have like all of 108 00:07:08.360 --> 00:07:12.680 these extended family members coming in and giving them input on the relationship. They 109 00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:15.560 didn't have a lot of friends that were like always coming around the house and 110 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:19.680 chilling and you know, very open household things like that. There wasn't like 111 00:07:19.759 --> 00:07:24.920 these huge family ties. We were just very to ourselves. And I realize, 112 00:07:24.920 --> 00:07:28.480 like that's how I am in my life, Like I am somebody who 113 00:07:28.519 --> 00:07:31.959 is more introverted. I am not really an extroverted person, although I absolutely 114 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:35.360 can be. And that's something that my parents were like too, Like they 115 00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:39.319 were they could be social if they wanted to, but in general, on 116 00:07:39.319 --> 00:07:42.000 a day to day basis, they're kind of more introverted, kind of kept 117 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:44.639 to themselves, like did their own thing. And it's important to know if 118 00:07:44.680 --> 00:07:47.040 you're kind of more that introverted type of person or that extroverted type of person, 119 00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:49.600 because okay, well, now when you go out and you date or 120 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:55.439 you're in relationships, you can start to see how, okay, will this 121 00:07:55.480 --> 00:08:00.120 person be compatible with me or not, considering I know myself and I am 122 00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:03.759 this introverted person or I am this extroverted person. Now, this doesn't mean 123 00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:07.040 that you have to stay introverted if you were taught to kind of be introverted, 124 00:08:07.079 --> 00:08:09.839 But for me, I like being that introverted type of like keeping things 125 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:13.720 to myself. Obviously I've had to learn how to open up sometimes that's very 126 00:08:13.720 --> 00:08:18.040 healthy. But that's the dynamic that I feel safe in. That's the dynamic 127 00:08:18.079 --> 00:08:22.519 that I kind of want. And so if I go out and I meet 128 00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:26.560 a guy who I feel like there's something off. Well, I can kind 129 00:08:26.560 --> 00:08:30.519 of check is this person even like is this person to introvert like me? 130 00:08:30.759 --> 00:08:33.039 Or is this person always wanting to party and wanting to go to vacations and 131 00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:37.080 wanting to do all these things. And it's fine if they do, but 132 00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:39.840 it's like, how are they in relation to that vacation? Like are they 133 00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:43.080 somebody who wants to just go party every single night and go out and meet 134 00:08:43.080 --> 00:08:46.720 a bunch of people, or on vacation, are they somebody who wants to 135 00:08:46.799 --> 00:08:50.240 lay by the cabanas and have a drink and be with this girl and just 136 00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:54.159 kind of relax and listen to music. Okay, well that's more my type 137 00:08:54.159 --> 00:08:56.960 of guy. Doesn't mean that I can't be with somebody who wants a party 138 00:08:56.960 --> 00:09:01.639 all the time, but most likely that might cause some issues. And so 139 00:09:01.720 --> 00:09:05.440 when you are constantly fighting with somebody, let's say you guys go on vacations 140 00:09:05.440 --> 00:09:09.639 all the time, and like he's wanting to do completely opposite things, it's 141 00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:11.759 not again to be like, oh we have to break up, but it's 142 00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:16.240 just to look and being like are we even compatible? Because realistically, I'm 143 00:09:16.279 --> 00:09:18.960 an introvert and I want to live this certain way and it seems like you 144 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.919 are completely different. We don't need to demonize, we don't need to be 145 00:09:24.039 --> 00:09:26.919 mad at the fact that this person is different. It's just to look at 146 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:30.519 the fact that we are different human beings. And this doesn't mean that I 147 00:09:30.600 --> 00:09:33.840 have to tell you that you're a bad person or you're wrong because you want 148 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:37.759 to go party or you want to do these extroverted things. Simply I've been 149 00:09:37.759 --> 00:09:39.960 taught and this is how I like to be, which is a little bit 150 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:43.240 more low key. So what is your family history? What was your household 151 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:46.879 dynamic? Do you like it? Do you want to change it? What 152 00:09:46.120 --> 00:09:50.679 is that? Just becoming curious because again, you have all of your relationships 153 00:09:50.679 --> 00:09:56.320 that you have right now. Even the relationship towards yourself is all based off 154 00:09:56.360 --> 00:10:01.799 of the relationships that you've experienced in the past. If you're having trouble being 155 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:05.559 in relationships, having healthy relationships, you need to look back at your history. 156 00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:09.320 Another question that she had asked was do you seek security or freedom? 157 00:10:09.480 --> 00:10:15.480 Now, this is something so important for you to understand about yourself, but 158 00:10:15.600 --> 00:10:18.759 also to be able to see it within other people. And for me, 159 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:22.360 I'm going to just say see it in men now. Obviously, it's important 160 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:26.240 to know, like do you want more secure relationships aka do you want to 161 00:10:26.279 --> 00:10:28.919 be in a monogamous relationship, let's say, Or do you want more freedom 162 00:10:28.919 --> 00:10:33.559 and you want to kind of like either you're like open relationships or you just 163 00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:37.080 want to explore. You know. Obviously depends on the stage of your life 164 00:10:37.159 --> 00:10:41.320 as well, but it's way deeper than you just being at a certain age 165 00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:43.759 like I'm in my twenties, I want to have freedom. This that No, 166 00:10:43.159 --> 00:10:46.879 it actually does come down to the relationships that you had towards your parents. 167 00:10:46.879 --> 00:10:50.200 So let me just give you an example of like what I want and 168 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:54.919 why I want it. When I was young, I absolutely wanted freedom, 169 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:58.559 which is in most cases a lot of kids want that. You know, 170 00:10:58.600 --> 00:11:01.240 a certain age, if your parents are very overbearing, you're gonna want freedom. 171 00:11:01.240 --> 00:11:05.919 You're gonna naturally want to go and explore and just like have total freedom. 172 00:11:07.480 --> 00:11:09.879 And for me personally, I honestly felt like a slave when I was 173 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:15.840 around my father, So I really wanted freedom. Now I wanted probably too 174 00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:20.679 much freedom because I had too much security and it wasn't even healthy security, 175 00:11:20.759 --> 00:11:22.840 right. I basically felt like I was in jail. So when you feel 176 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:26.960 like you're in jail, what are you gonna want? You're gonna want freedom 177 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:31.080 ten times more than it's like a natural normal thing. It's normal for us 178 00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:33.240 to want to have freedom into play. And now I'm talking about a healthy 179 00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:39.039 secure attachment by the way, like a secure attached person that has a healthy 180 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:41.720 relationship with themselves and other people, they naturally will want to go out and 181 00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:45.559 play, but they also want to come back. But when you feel like 182 00:11:45.600 --> 00:11:48.320 you were in a jail cell, you don't want to come back from that, 183 00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:52.720 and in fact, the freedom seems so much better and so much like 184 00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:54.159 you. All you want is that freedom. Same way as when you go 185 00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:58.279 on a diet, instantly you want that cake ten times more instead of just 186 00:11:58.600 --> 00:12:01.480 knowing that you can have it whenever you want. So really, it's important 187 00:12:01.519 --> 00:12:05.600 to see some of your dynamics with your earliest caregivers or whoever you were around, 188 00:12:05.879 --> 00:12:09.120 to see, Okay, why is it that I want so much freedom? 189 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:13.320 Or why is it that I want so much security? Because this is 190 00:12:13.320 --> 00:12:16.720 what also happened to me when my father passed away, and I kind of 191 00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:20.519 grew out of that wanting so much freedom. I got to a point where 192 00:12:20.519 --> 00:12:24.480 I became very financially stressed. My mother wasn't able to support me, she 193 00:12:24.559 --> 00:12:28.799 wasn't really around. I lost that masculine structure in my life, even though 194 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:33.480 it wasn't that healthy. So I started to seek a lot of security. 195 00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:37.960 Again not a bad thing, we all need it. But I got to 196 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:41.360 a point where I was in fight or flight all the time. All I 197 00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:43.200 wanted what Like, I stressed about everything. I stressed about money. I 198 00:12:43.240 --> 00:12:48.399 stressed about my life, which again understandable because I was in a state of 199 00:12:48.759 --> 00:12:50.440 literal like, yes, I have to stress about these things in a way. 200 00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:52.919 But it became too much to the point where I was such a stress 201 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:58.240 case that I would catastrophisee everything. I would literally be worried all the time. 202 00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:01.080 I would have so much anxiety, I'd be overthinking everything, to the 203 00:13:01.080 --> 00:13:03.639 point where literally I had chronic diseases. Like I was very, very unhealthy, 204 00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:07.000 and that's also not a good place to be at. But what I 205 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:11.080 really just needed was a little bit more security in my life. But sometimes 206 00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:16.399 what we do in relationships, we don't understand just how much we might be 207 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:20.440 operating out of this place of scarcity because of our childhood, and then we 208 00:13:20.519 --> 00:13:26.279 expect our significant other to provide us all of the security, and no matter 209 00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:30.720 what, usually doesn't even end up helping, because when you're scarcity, nothing 210 00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:33.840 really actually makes you more secure until you start to heal. Really, but 211 00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:39.480 this is where our relationships start to go unhealthy, because we're expecting somebody to 212 00:13:39.480 --> 00:13:43.759 provide us security in which we never even got in childhood. Again, it's 213 00:13:43.799 --> 00:13:46.480 not a bad thing that you might need a little bit more reassurance, you 214 00:13:46.559 --> 00:13:48.240 might need a little bit more security, And of course it's okay that you 215 00:13:48.240 --> 00:13:52.840 want. Let's say I'm anogamous relationship from somebody, that's fine, But it 216 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:56.799 really is about rebalancing certain things in your life. So you know, how 217 00:13:56.840 --> 00:14:01.519 can I add some more masculine structure and more security with in my life without 218 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:03.759 asking somebody else to do it for me? How can I bring more of 219 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:07.240 that into my life and not just get it from my significant other? Same 220 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:09.600 thing goes if you really want freedom, okay, well there might be a 221 00:14:09.639 --> 00:14:13.159 part of you that still wants a relationship. Well, you know you have 222 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.440 to understand that you being in this free flowing whatever, you're not gonna be 223 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:18.840 able to be in an monogonamous relationship. If you're acting like you just want 224 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:20.720 to be free all the time. But also in general, it's important for 225 00:14:20.759 --> 00:14:24.960 you to know whether you want more freedom or you want more security, because 226 00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:28.600 also you don't have to change this part of you like crazy, right you 227 00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:31.200 might naturally you're gonna be somebody who wants a little bit more freedom or a 228 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:37.879 little bit more security. Now this is important because you're gonna go out in 229 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:41.559 the world and there's gonna just be some people who want that freedom. Okay, 230 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:45.600 Well, if you're somebody who leans more to wanting security, and you're 231 00:14:45.639 --> 00:14:50.080 gonna be struggling with trying to be in a relationship with somebody who clearly wants 232 00:14:50.159 --> 00:14:54.000 freedom, and especially if they know they want freedom and they don't want to 233 00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:58.399 change that about them at all, then it's like you keep pushing against a 234 00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:03.080 brick wall. You're trying to date somebody who is clearly incompatible for you. 235 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:07.039 And I think a lot of the times, especially women, they don't understand 236 00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:09.759 who it is that they're dating when it comes to does this man want freedom 237 00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:13.840 or security? Now, I will say I really do think a lot more 238 00:15:13.879 --> 00:15:18.759 men lean towards wanting that freedom, especially if they have a lot of responsibility, 239 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:22.480 and especially though if they've already come from a family where there was a 240 00:15:22.519 --> 00:15:26.600 lot of suffocating in a way, you know, like the mom is always 241 00:15:26.639 --> 00:15:31.879 like mothering him, and like dad's always telling him what to do. Again, 242 00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:33.159 it's not really a bad thing, it's just to understand, Okay, 243 00:15:33.320 --> 00:15:37.000 well, this person most likely is going to grow up wanting a lot more 244 00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:43.480 freedom, and so you might think that it's like them wanting to literally not 245 00:15:43.559 --> 00:15:46.360 be with you. But if you understand that person, okay, well maybe 246 00:15:46.360 --> 00:15:50.720 they just need a little bit more freedom, more time, more space. 247 00:15:50.120 --> 00:15:54.200 And again, you want to make sure that this person would even be compatible 248 00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:56.720 for you, because you know there are men who just want freedom to the 249 00:15:56.720 --> 00:15:58.720 point where I want to sleep with everyone. I don't want to commitment obviously 250 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:03.000 talking about those men, but understanding your partner and realizing, okay, no, 251 00:16:03.080 --> 00:16:06.120 wonder you want a little bit of freedom, I don't have to even 252 00:16:06.120 --> 00:16:10.480 take it personally, because it's not personal. It's you wanting to live out 253 00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:15.000 a desire that you really weren't fully able to live out throughout your childhood. 254 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:17.919 And the same thing can be said when it comes to security. There's a 255 00:16:18.039 --> 00:16:21.720 level of just wanting to be secure in relationships, and there's a level of 256 00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:25.679 you just having an anxious attachment style, and when you are anxiously attached and 257 00:16:25.720 --> 00:16:29.559 when you need somebody to validate you and to tell you that they're there and 258 00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:33.639 to not leave you. On one hand, that's not necessarily a bad thing 259 00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:38.559 to want to have somebody want you invalidate you. But I find a lot 260 00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:44.080 of women who are anxiously attached. They have these high standards of what this 261 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:47.679 man should be doing, let's say, texting you all the time and constantly 262 00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:51.000 telling you where he's at and all of these things. But it's like the 263 00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:55.840 half or more than half of the reason why you just want those texts anyways, 264 00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:57.440 is really out of a place of trauma, is really out of a 265 00:16:57.480 --> 00:17:02.120 place of your anxious attachment style, and understanding that that's not a healthy state 266 00:17:02.120 --> 00:17:04.799 to be in, is to be anxious all the time. Now this is 267 00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:08.240 not to say, of course, you want to be with a partner who 268 00:17:08.480 --> 00:17:11.559 sends you a text and lets you know like where they're at, even if 269 00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:15.079 they have a busy day, and not go ghosts for three days. Like 270 00:17:15.079 --> 00:17:18.039 obviously that's a normal healthy thing. But you have to ask yourself the question, 271 00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:22.680 well, if I need somebody who to constantly text me all day and 272 00:17:22.759 --> 00:17:26.480 to tell me how much they like me, and to like always be there. 273 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:30.799 That is really not healthy because why is it that you can't sustain that 274 00:17:30.880 --> 00:17:33.680 on your own. Why can't you trust that this person is going to be 275 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:37.519 there for you at the end of the day or whenever it is. But 276 00:17:37.599 --> 00:17:40.720 when we don't know ourselves and we don't know, we're anxiously attached, or 277 00:17:40.720 --> 00:17:44.039 we need more freedom or security. When we don't get what we want, 278 00:17:44.480 --> 00:17:48.000 we just yell at the other person. We just tell them they need to 279 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:49.359 do more. You need to text me more, you need this. Okay, 280 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:52.079 Well, why is it that you want somebody to text you all of 281 00:17:52.119 --> 00:17:56.519 the time, constantly updating you, constantly just like being in your phone and 282 00:17:56.559 --> 00:18:00.440 like complimenting you or doing whatever. And a lot of that is because you 283 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:04.480 are anxious, You aren't secure, and you need that constant validation to make 284 00:18:04.480 --> 00:18:07.480 you feel safe. Well, that is not a healthy way to live life. 285 00:18:07.799 --> 00:18:12.680 You should naturally be feeling quite at ease even when your partner is a 286 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:18.000 way working or not texting you. This comes back to having a healthy secure 287 00:18:18.039 --> 00:18:22.480 attachment style. A secure attachment style is basically this When you were a child 288 00:18:22.759 --> 00:18:25.880 and you're with your parent and you're going to the park. When you see 289 00:18:25.880 --> 00:18:29.039 a bunch of kids playing, you naturally want to go and play. You 290 00:18:29.079 --> 00:18:32.079 want to have fun, You want to go explore. Right, someone with 291 00:18:32.079 --> 00:18:34.200 a secure attachment style, it's going to maybe look at mom or dad and 292 00:18:34.200 --> 00:18:36.880 be like, can I go play? Like I really want to go play, 293 00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:37.920 like oh my gosh, And then the parent says, yes, go 294 00:18:38.079 --> 00:18:41.880 play, And you are going to trust that you can go play and that 295 00:18:42.200 --> 00:18:45.599 your parent is going to be there. And so when you go play, 296 00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:48.839 your head is not thinking about is mom or Dad's still there? Are they 297 00:18:48.839 --> 00:18:52.680 still gonna like me when I come back? Am I a bad person because 298 00:18:52.680 --> 00:18:55.119 I went and played? Oh my god, X Y and Z. You 299 00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:57.279 go, you play, You have an amazing time. Your mind is not 300 00:18:57.319 --> 00:19:00.400 on your parents. Your mind is literally with children right now or whatever it 301 00:19:00.519 --> 00:19:03.880 is you're doing. And when the time is up to just like not be 302 00:19:04.039 --> 00:19:07.839 free anymore, Like Okay, I want to come back to like solidarity, 303 00:19:07.880 --> 00:19:11.359 and I want to come back to comfort in security. I'm going to come 304 00:19:11.400 --> 00:19:15.119 back because it's a natural desire for me to want to leave that freedom for 305 00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:18.039 a moment after I've had enough I want to come back to my parents, 306 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:21.079 and I know my parents are going to be right there, and I'm going 307 00:19:21.119 --> 00:19:25.960 to feel safe and calm. That's ebbing and flowing through security and freedom. 308 00:19:26.119 --> 00:19:30.960 But unfortunately a lot of us did not have that relationship with our caregivers. 309 00:19:30.200 --> 00:19:33.799 We literally sometimes our parents just left us. And I don't actually mean at 310 00:19:33.839 --> 00:19:37.480 the park, but you know whatever, you can apply this to any situation. 311 00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:40.680 But let's say our parent just wasn't there, or they told us to 312 00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:42.920 go, or they told us to go play when we weren't ready, or 313 00:19:42.920 --> 00:19:47.759 we didn't feel safe enough in that environment but they said go do it anyways, 314 00:19:48.200 --> 00:19:51.279 or again they weren't there when and we came back, or sometimes they 315 00:19:51.279 --> 00:19:53.759 were there, sometimes they weren't. That was my situation. Sometimes my dad 316 00:19:53.759 --> 00:19:56.240 would pick me up, sometimes you wouldn't. When he would tell me he 317 00:19:56.240 --> 00:19:59.680 was gonna come pick me up at a certain time, he'd be late all 318 00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:02.880 the time. And it's no wonder that you end up being this anxious person 319 00:20:02.920 --> 00:20:06.640 because you have been taught to not know whether your parent is going to come 320 00:20:06.680 --> 00:20:10.160 and pick you up right now, or not know if somebody's going to show 321 00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:11.400 up for you. And then on top of that. What we do is 322 00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:15.000 we internalize that and then we think, oh my god, it must be 323 00:20:15.119 --> 00:20:19.039 me, Like maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm not worthy of Dady coming 324 00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:22.440 to pick me up every single day. There has to be a reason. 325 00:20:22.079 --> 00:20:26.839 We come to these conclusions at very young ages. And then on top of 326 00:20:26.839 --> 00:20:32.680 that, we learn to repeat these same attachment styles with friends, with lovers, 327 00:20:32.680 --> 00:20:36.920 with everything, and even towards ourselves. When somebody doesn't show up consistent 328 00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:40.640 for us in our lives, we learn to not even value consistency at all 329 00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:44.519 or discipline. And what can also happen is we start to have their relationship 330 00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:47.720 towards ourselves. We don't show up for ourselves, we don't value ourselves, 331 00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:51.640 we don't love ourselves because we have been taught that that is how it is. 332 00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:55.960 And realistically, it's not you. It never was you. Because this 333 00:20:56.039 --> 00:21:00.119 is what happens is your parents also have attachment styles. Your parents also might 334 00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:04.559 have been avoidant or distant or anxious or X, Y and Z and could 335 00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:08.839 only do so much. So again, it's just to really understand your history, 336 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:12.759 understand how you show up in relationships. Is there things that you can 337 00:21:12.839 --> 00:21:17.000 self correct in a way? How can I be a little less anxious in 338 00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:18.640 my relationships. Well, one is going to be making sure that I'm with 339 00:21:18.680 --> 00:21:22.920 a partner who understands my needs and wants. And I have to understand who 340 00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:26.759 this partner even is. Is he somebody who's very, very avoidant and doesn't 341 00:21:26.759 --> 00:21:30.319 really want to communicate. Okay, well that might not be good for my 342 00:21:30.359 --> 00:21:33.640 anxious attachment. But on top of that, it doesn't mean you can never 343 00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:37.319 be with a guy who usually tends to lean on the avoidance sometimes, because 344 00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:41.519 what you will find is, once you do work more on your anxious attachment, 345 00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:45.799 you will find yourself needing less and less reinsurance from somebody. Now, 346 00:21:45.799 --> 00:21:49.920 another thing that she was talking about in the masterclass was are you raised for 347 00:21:51.039 --> 00:21:56.319 more autonomy or loyalty? So essentially, are you really all about yourself more 348 00:21:56.759 --> 00:22:00.680 or do you put other people first? Moore? Now, I think what's 349 00:22:00.839 --> 00:22:07.839 important to know is why it is you are more autonomous or you're more loyal, 350 00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:11.279 And usually it's some sort of trauma response in a way, there's always 351 00:22:11.319 --> 00:22:15.839 light and dark sides to everything. So you could just be a naturally loyal 352 00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:18.200 person and that's just who you are, and that's great, and it's not 353 00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:21.559 really this trauma response. But a lot of the times, the reason why 354 00:22:21.839 --> 00:22:26.319 let's say women will be extra, extra, extra loyal is actually a fond 355 00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:30.240 response and a fawn response from the nervous system episode that we talked about. 356 00:22:30.559 --> 00:22:34.000 Is really you trying to people please, You trying to not rock the boat 357 00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:37.359 by always showing up and always being there and always being a good girl, 358 00:22:37.519 --> 00:22:41.440 never making mistakes because you learn how to do that around apparent. But of 359 00:22:41.480 --> 00:22:45.079 course that's not really a healthy state to be in because you are a human 360 00:22:45.119 --> 00:22:52.240 being, and like, it shouldn't be that you're always adjusting and microadjusting really 361 00:22:52.440 --> 00:22:56.720 to somebody's emotional fluctuations of life, and really you should have certain needs and 362 00:22:56.839 --> 00:23:00.839 wants that need to be taking consideration before someone else as well. It shouldn't 363 00:23:00.839 --> 00:23:04.599 always be no matter what this person is on this pedestal and I'm all the 364 00:23:04.640 --> 00:23:08.359 way down here, but that's usually how you have learned to be in relationships. 365 00:23:08.440 --> 00:23:11.640 So then you show up as this very extra loyal person. And again, 366 00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:15.519 it's not a bad thing to be loyal. It's not you're going to 367 00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:18.440 naturally fall on one side or the other. But in general, when you 368 00:23:18.480 --> 00:23:22.359 are to the point where somebody can be hurting you. Somebody can be literally 369 00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:26.240 disrespecting you, and you're still going to be loyal, Like that's when you 370 00:23:26.279 --> 00:23:29.519 want to look at why am I like this? This is not healthy? 371 00:23:29.720 --> 00:23:33.759 And then on the other side, being autonomous, autonomy can move into selfishness 372 00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:37.279 very very quickly, and I will be very honest with you guys and say 373 00:23:37.480 --> 00:23:42.319 I was very autonomous, AKA, I was very self centered and very selfish 374 00:23:42.359 --> 00:23:45.599 when I grew up. But that was also out of a trauma response, 375 00:23:45.640 --> 00:23:51.960 because I learned to not really value relationships for many reasons, one being the 376 00:23:51.960 --> 00:23:55.440 family dynamic that I grew up in, but also I was in such survival 377 00:23:55.480 --> 00:23:57.880 mode that I really had no time to care about other people. I had 378 00:23:57.920 --> 00:24:02.160 to care about how it was money, how I was going through college, 379 00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:06.359 how I was getting my health issues like worked out and fixed really, and 380 00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:11.680 so unfortunately my relationship suffered. I didn't put a lot of emphasis in time 381 00:24:11.160 --> 00:24:15.720 about caring about other people. I cared about being autonomous. I cared about 382 00:24:15.759 --> 00:24:18.559 being just myself, but not a healthy autonomous, not just being able to 383 00:24:18.759 --> 00:24:23.039 be on my own. It was basically this mentality of everyone for themselves, 384 00:24:23.079 --> 00:24:27.039 like there was no taking consideration of other people, And realistically, if you 385 00:24:27.079 --> 00:24:32.480 think about a family system, a family dynamic that's healthy, a healthy community, 386 00:24:32.759 --> 00:24:36.759 you're always making sure that those people in your community are being brought in 387 00:24:36.799 --> 00:24:38.359 and you're taking care of other people and other people were taking care of you. 388 00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:41.839 But I didn't have that. I never valued family, I never really 389 00:24:41.920 --> 00:24:45.519 valued relationships. But as I got older and I healed a lot of my 390 00:24:47.119 --> 00:24:51.640 anxious attachment styles. Not styles, but I healed my anxious attachment style, 391 00:24:51.759 --> 00:24:56.240 and moving from scarcity and survival into more abundance and trusting and just healing energy, 392 00:24:56.440 --> 00:25:00.279 I tapped into the desire within me that does want to connect, that 393 00:25:00.359 --> 00:25:03.440 does want family, that does want to take care of other people. But 394 00:25:03.480 --> 00:25:07.880 it's sometimes hard to do that when you are literally in survival mode. And 395 00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:11.920 so again understanding why it is you are the way that you are, and 396 00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:15.640 learning, okay, can I self correct a little bit? And how if 397 00:25:15.680 --> 00:25:18.839 I self correct, will that allow me to have the actual relationship that deep 398 00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:22.480 down I'm really wanting, Because again, there was a deep desire for me 399 00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:26.920 to actually have family and to take care of people, and I want to 400 00:25:26.920 --> 00:25:29.880 care about people. Obviously I'm much different now, but you know, like 401 00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:32.680 I really want to take care of people, but I just couldn't do it. 402 00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:34.119 And I couldn't do it because I was in survival. It's not because 403 00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:37.680 you're a bad person. It's not because you're just this one way and like 404 00:25:37.799 --> 00:25:41.640 you can't change again. It's gonna be up to you if you want to 405 00:25:41.720 --> 00:25:45.240 change or not. But there's usually some sort of desire once you start to 406 00:25:45.240 --> 00:25:48.200 become aware of how you are in relationships, of wanting to care for other 407 00:25:48.240 --> 00:25:52.680 people and not be so one way. But I think what can help when 408 00:25:52.680 --> 00:25:56.880 it comes to change is changing out of a place of exploration for yourself and 409 00:25:56.920 --> 00:25:59.920 who you are in your story, and changing out of a place of self 410 00:26:00.039 --> 00:26:03.039 of love versus self hate. Because what we do when we realize, oh 411 00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:04.559 my gosh, I've been this selfish person. Oh my god, I'm so 412 00:26:04.599 --> 00:26:07.000 bad. Like I have to change, like I need to care about people 413 00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:11.359 more. But if you don't know why you're even like that, you trying 414 00:26:11.359 --> 00:26:15.599 to change from a place of shame won't last, and it usually won't last, 415 00:26:15.680 --> 00:26:18.559 especially if you're in scarcity anyways, because you'll always pick survival out of 416 00:26:18.599 --> 00:26:22.839 anything else, even when it comes to you wanting to be free more or 417 00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:26.519 you want to be more loyal. Even if you realize you being super super 418 00:26:26.559 --> 00:26:30.400 loyal to somebody who disrespects you, and you realize that that's not healthy, 419 00:26:30.720 --> 00:26:33.079 you're still going to do that if you're operating out of a place of trauma, 420 00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:37.599 because this is your trauma response, is your survival mechanism. That's how 421 00:26:37.640 --> 00:26:41.279 you survive. Even though you might look at it and be like, oh 422 00:26:41.319 --> 00:26:44.799 my god, no, being loyal to default can be really bad for me, 423 00:26:44.880 --> 00:26:45.559 Like look at all the ways that it's so bad, Like I have 424 00:26:45.640 --> 00:26:48.400 to stop. Well, there's a part of you that is convinced that being 425 00:26:48.440 --> 00:26:52.160 loyal is the way to keep you safe because you've learned how to do that 426 00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:56.079 in your childhood. And so if you want to change that part of you, 427 00:26:56.160 --> 00:26:57.880 to change it from a place of being like this is so effed up, 428 00:26:57.920 --> 00:27:00.079 Like I need to change now, it's not really going to work, 429 00:27:00.119 --> 00:27:03.319 okay. Another thing that she had asked in the class, which I think 430 00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:07.759 is so good, but she had asked, what stories are you telling about 431 00:27:07.759 --> 00:27:11.000 yourself when it comes to you in relation to other people? Because this is 432 00:27:11.039 --> 00:27:15.920 really important, you know, especially if you are going through your past and 433 00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:19.920 you're seeing your attachment styles and you're seeing your traumas and all of these things. 434 00:27:21.400 --> 00:27:25.079 Okay, we can use that information to self correct in a way, 435 00:27:25.119 --> 00:27:29.319 to heal, to show up differently in relationships, but at the end of 436 00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:33.319 the day, we don't want to use that story or stories as the reason 437 00:27:33.400 --> 00:27:37.240 why we don't get what we want in our lives, especially when it comes 438 00:27:37.240 --> 00:27:38.680 to relationships. So I'm going to give you a few of the stories that 439 00:27:38.759 --> 00:27:41.920 I was stuck in, and some of them I was holding these stories on 440 00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:45.640 before I really knew my attachment style and like all of my trauma and how 441 00:27:45.920 --> 00:27:49.680 my earliest childhood relationships were like the same as the ones that I was having. 442 00:27:49.960 --> 00:27:53.279 And then also even after I did a lot of self reflection, one 443 00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:56.880 of them was I suck at connecting with other human beings, or like suck 444 00:27:56.920 --> 00:28:00.319 at connecting with men in general, because I had a very hard time with 445 00:28:00.440 --> 00:28:04.640 being myself authentically with men, because I struggle to do that even with my 446 00:28:04.680 --> 00:28:08.960 father, because I felt like I couldn't, because I really kind of couldn't, 447 00:28:10.440 --> 00:28:12.880 And so I kept telling myself that story like it was so hard and 448 00:28:12.920 --> 00:28:17.240 I can't be myself and no matter how many times again into relationships and I 449 00:28:17.319 --> 00:28:21.680 try I keep failing. Like having that story is not going to actually help 450 00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:25.039 you become better at connecting with men. Like this is not to say that 451 00:28:25.079 --> 00:28:27.880 maybe you suck at connecting with men because you don't know how to be authentic 452 00:28:27.880 --> 00:28:32.240 because you feel afraid or you feel like you can't be authentic, But you 453 00:28:32.240 --> 00:28:34.240 also don't want to tell yourself that story because what's gonna happen is it's going 454 00:28:34.279 --> 00:28:37.519 to be ten times harder for you to actually try to be your authentic self 455 00:28:37.559 --> 00:28:41.160 and take off that mask in relation to men to the point where, yeah, 456 00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:44.920 one little thing happens, or let's say you have an opportunity to be 457 00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:47.960 a little bit more vulnerable in your relationship and then you don't do it because 458 00:28:48.240 --> 00:28:51.400 maybe you got scared. Then if you start telling your self the story of 459 00:28:51.440 --> 00:28:53.359 like see like this is I just can't do it and this that, well, 460 00:28:53.400 --> 00:28:56.079 then you're never going to get good. And this is the thing. 461 00:28:56.119 --> 00:29:00.599 When you are trying to be a better person in relationship, you're just trying 462 00:29:00.599 --> 00:29:04.759 not to let your your anxiety really take over, your traumas take over. 463 00:29:06.119 --> 00:29:10.319 You're gonna you're not going to be perfect with it. You're gonna stumble uphill 464 00:29:10.519 --> 00:29:12.680 you're gonna make a mistake. When you make mistakes, or when you see 465 00:29:12.720 --> 00:29:15.720 that you've been acting a little bit out of your anxious attachment style a little 466 00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:21.400 bit too much forgive yourself self correct. Don't tell yourself see I can never 467 00:29:21.440 --> 00:29:22.680 do it and oh my gosh, relationship is so hard and I know it 468 00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:26.440 can be very very difficult. Another story that kind of piggybacks off that same 469 00:29:26.440 --> 00:29:30.839 one. Once I started to become very self aware of how I am in 470 00:29:30.920 --> 00:29:34.880 relation to men mainly, but even friendships as well, I didn't have like 471 00:29:34.960 --> 00:29:38.640 the best friendships like I did my absolute best. But I would just tell 472 00:29:38.640 --> 00:29:44.079 myself like, I'm the one that doesn't get to be normal, doesn't get 473 00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:47.960 to be herself, doesn't get to be authentic. I am too awkward. 474 00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:51.200 It is gonna be too hard, it is gonna take me too long, 475 00:29:51.240 --> 00:29:52.880 and I don't know how it is. And I'm ever gonna actually be myself 476 00:29:52.920 --> 00:29:56.599 in relationships like those are the stories I was constantly telling myself. And I 477 00:29:56.640 --> 00:30:00.200 think Esther wrote this. I'm not sure I haven't written here. I don't 478 00:30:00.200 --> 00:30:03.680 know if she said it or what. But you really have to break up 479 00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:07.680 with this story. Okay, when you are aware of who you have been 480 00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:11.839 in relationships. If you want healthier relationships, which you have to believe that 481 00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:15.640 you can have them. Okay, understand that most people don't have healthier attachment 482 00:30:15.640 --> 00:30:19.839 styles. They are trying to navigate relationships as much as they can. People 483 00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:23.359 in marriage like, there's come on, everyone usually has a relationship issues. 484 00:30:23.359 --> 00:30:26.759 Okay, but you need to stop telling yourself the story that you can't change, 485 00:30:26.799 --> 00:30:30.759 that you can't have what you want. It is going to take practice, 486 00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:33.640 It is going to take you being aware of who you are and just 487 00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:37.680 self correct. But you can have better relationships. The more I heal, 488 00:30:37.839 --> 00:30:40.319 the more I work on myself, the more I become self aware, the 489 00:30:40.359 --> 00:30:44.519 more I really analyze how I show up, and I ask myself questions as 490 00:30:44.559 --> 00:30:47.359 to why did I just act like that? Why did I just get triggered 491 00:30:47.519 --> 00:30:49.400 from that? What can I do to change? This has nothing to do 492 00:30:49.480 --> 00:30:52.680 with me trying to change somebody else in a relationship. The more times that 493 00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:56.599 I've done that, the healthier my relationships have been, the better my communication 494 00:30:56.680 --> 00:31:00.359 has been. But the thing is, when we want to fix anything in 495 00:31:00.359 --> 00:31:03.160 our lives, we are so black and freaking white with things. We just 496 00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:06.559 think Okay, next relationship, it's going to be healthy and I'm gonna look 497 00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:08.240 for a healthy man and I'm gonna be in a healthier person. Yeah, 498 00:31:08.319 --> 00:31:11.000 until you get in a relationship and this person triggers the f out of your 499 00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:17.039 attachment style or your traumas or your whatever, and you have to constantly work 500 00:31:17.079 --> 00:31:19.440 on these things. It's not gonna be like tomorrow you wake up and you're 501 00:31:19.480 --> 00:31:22.960 just deciding you're going to be in a healthy relationship with a secure person. 502 00:31:23.119 --> 00:31:29.519 Especially if somebody is in a more secure attachment style or let's say they are 503 00:31:29.559 --> 00:31:33.400 avoidant. There's going to be things that come up in your relationship where you're 504 00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:36.960 gonna have to in that moment work with yourself. And a lot of people 505 00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:40.000 will say this, you know what, it's too hard. I'm just gonna 506 00:31:40.039 --> 00:31:41.799 heal on my own and I'm just gonna work on myself now. Of course, 507 00:31:41.839 --> 00:31:47.160 there's always there's always room for you to like take some time for yourself. 508 00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:49.359 Maybe you've been somebody who's constantly relationships and they haven't been working out and 509 00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:52.319 they're very toxic or whatever, like, maybe you have to learn how to 510 00:31:52.359 --> 00:31:56.480 have that relationship with yourself. Realistically, the relationship you have with yourself is 511 00:31:56.519 --> 00:31:59.359 a very big reflection of what you're seeing on that outside world as well, 512 00:31:59.400 --> 00:32:04.720 especially in relationships romantic as well. But there is a lot to be said 513 00:32:04.759 --> 00:32:08.000 about you healing in relationships. This is the thing. And I was talking 514 00:32:08.039 --> 00:32:13.519 to my friend Joey about this last night. Actually, when people realize they 515 00:32:13.559 --> 00:32:16.720 have crappy relational dynamics, what they want to do is they want to say, 516 00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:21.920 screw it, I'm not going to have relationships until I either heal myself 517 00:32:21.960 --> 00:32:24.640 completely, which is an illusion, or in general they're just like, I'm 518 00:32:24.680 --> 00:32:29.799 not gonna do it. Okay, Well, let's be real. Everything is 519 00:32:29.880 --> 00:32:32.519 relational and eventually you're gonna want to be in a relationship. Okay, if 520 00:32:32.519 --> 00:32:35.400 you want to be single for thus of your life, then this advice is 521 00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:38.319 not for you. So we can't go to the extreme and say we can't 522 00:32:38.359 --> 00:32:40.839 we don't want to ever be in relationships. And I'm gonna use an analogy 523 00:32:40.839 --> 00:32:44.640 of a car. What has happened to you in your life is this. 524 00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:50.160 You got a car that was not really working the best, and you tried 525 00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:52.720 to drive that car, and unfortunately that car drove you into a wall. 526 00:32:53.000 --> 00:32:57.160 That car broke down, that car did not get you from A to B 527 00:32:57.319 --> 00:33:00.680 to C. Maybe it got you from A to Z. It's very messy. 528 00:33:00.720 --> 00:33:02.599 You is very chaotic. It wasn't the best experience driving the car. 529 00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:07.359 It's the same thing as you being in unhealthy relationships. Okay, things happened, 530 00:33:07.599 --> 00:33:10.480 maybe you got hurt, maybe whatever happened. Okay, But instead of 531 00:33:10.519 --> 00:33:15.519 wanting to just upgrade the car and to look at why it was breaking down 532 00:33:15.519 --> 00:33:19.960 in the first place and searching for a better car or saving money for the 533 00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:22.799 better car, like doing whatever, what we do is we just say I 534 00:33:22.799 --> 00:33:24.920 don't want to drive at all. I do not want to drive a car 535 00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:28.839 at all. I don't even want to drive. I'm just never gonna drive 536 00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:31.119 ever. But it's like, realistically, no, you're gonna need to drive 537 00:33:31.160 --> 00:33:34.920 eventually. Now we're not obviously going to think about the fact that you can 538 00:33:34.920 --> 00:33:37.519 take transa and you can do ubers and other people can drive for you. 539 00:33:37.519 --> 00:33:38.680 This that no, no, no, okay, let's just assume that there's 540 00:33:38.680 --> 00:33:43.799 no or transportation. You're gonna need to drive a car. In fact, 541 00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:46.799 you're gonna have to learn how to even be a good driver. And you 542 00:33:46.839 --> 00:33:51.759 weren't really able to even learn how to be a good driver in this car 543 00:33:51.799 --> 00:33:54.079 because this car was not equipped to allow you to be able to be the 544 00:33:54.119 --> 00:33:59.039 best driver you could be. And the same thing goes in relationships like you've 545 00:33:59.039 --> 00:34:01.680 had shitty relationship ships, yes, But in order for you to have a 546 00:34:01.720 --> 00:34:07.759 better driving experience aka a better experience in relationships, you need to find a 547 00:34:07.759 --> 00:34:10.800 person who is healthier. You need to show up a better way. You 548 00:34:10.880 --> 00:34:15.800 also need to look for things in which will help you in that relationship. 549 00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:17.400 So it's same thing when it comes to a car, like now when you 550 00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:21.519 go to a dealership, you're going to be looking for are these interest rates 551 00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:23.400 too high? Does this have what I need? Like? Does it have 552 00:34:23.480 --> 00:34:27.199 AC? Does it you know? Like? How many clombers does it have? 553 00:34:27.320 --> 00:34:29.639 Like? How expensive is it? Like? Whatever it is, you're 554 00:34:29.679 --> 00:34:31.519 going to need to look and see what you need. And in order for 555 00:34:31.559 --> 00:34:34.719 you to know what you need, you need to look at your past, 556 00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:37.159 for one, but also to understand that the only way you're going to get 557 00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:43.000 better at driving a car and having a good car experience is you actually trying, 558 00:34:43.280 --> 00:34:45.840 you actually doing. And the same thing goes for relationships, like there 559 00:34:45.840 --> 00:34:49.920 are just going to be things that you're not going to be able to heal 560 00:34:49.960 --> 00:34:53.159 when it comes to being in a relation to another person other than actually being 561 00:34:53.239 --> 00:34:58.159 in that relationship. There's so many things that you don't get triggered about when 562 00:34:58.199 --> 00:35:00.360 it comes to someone else when you are single. When you are single, 563 00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:04.320 yes things can be great and you're never getting triggered. But when you get 564 00:35:04.320 --> 00:35:07.280 into relationship and triggers start to come up, a lot of people will be 565 00:35:07.320 --> 00:35:08.559 like, oh my god, no, I can't be a relationship or no. 566 00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:12.199 You could work to those triggers and you can see why it is you're 567 00:35:12.199 --> 00:35:14.920 getting triggered in the first place, and you can learn how to deal with 568 00:35:14.960 --> 00:35:17.119 them. You can learn how to transform them. You can heal so that 569 00:35:17.159 --> 00:35:21.800 you can have what you want, which is a relationship. Hello, we 570 00:35:21.880 --> 00:35:25.679 are relational human beings. You didn't come into this earth to go live on 571 00:35:25.719 --> 00:35:30.199 an island by yourself. That doesn't that's not how it works, that's not 572 00:35:30.239 --> 00:35:32.639 how we have evolved. That is just not what it is. It's okay 573 00:35:32.679 --> 00:35:36.760 that you're getting triggered, but it's like, how you respond to that trigger 574 00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:38.719 is what's most important, and so I truly do thing. Once you start 575 00:35:38.760 --> 00:35:43.719 to become very very aware of who you are in relationships who you are in 576 00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:47.559 general. It's going to help you be able to develop empathy, to understand 577 00:35:47.800 --> 00:35:52.519 when other people show up in a certain way in relationships, whether that be 578 00:35:52.599 --> 00:35:55.960 friendships, romantic partners, your parents, whatever. You can understand, oh, 579 00:35:57.000 --> 00:36:00.400 it makes sense why they really really love freedom, or it makes sense 580 00:36:00.440 --> 00:36:06.199 why that person's very anxious, and usually that really annoys me because they're so 581 00:36:06.280 --> 00:36:09.000 goddamn anxious and they want me to like constantly be reassuring them and whatever. 582 00:36:09.280 --> 00:36:13.280 But I can understand why. Now this is not to say, of course 583 00:36:13.320 --> 00:36:16.440 you're going to aid them to you know, not heal in a way. 584 00:36:16.559 --> 00:36:21.239 Obviously you need to have certain boundaries. But it's so much easier in life 585 00:36:21.280 --> 00:36:24.320 when you can understand other people and how they show up to help you navigate 586 00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:28.840 on what should you do in that relationship? Should I accept it? Should 587 00:36:28.840 --> 00:36:30.559 I work with them? Or is this person just not for me? But 588 00:36:30.679 --> 00:36:34.000 on top of that, for you not to get so triggered by people just 589 00:36:34.079 --> 00:36:37.239 being themselves, you know, understanding that there's incompatibilities, not taking things so 590 00:36:37.360 --> 00:36:42.039 personally as well. That's another thing. When let's say you're with a guy 591 00:36:42.079 --> 00:36:45.119 who is clearly pretty avoidant. They want a lot of freedom. They are 592 00:36:45.159 --> 00:36:47.760 clearly not wanting to commit. You don't have to take it personally like it's 593 00:36:47.880 --> 00:36:51.800 you and you're not a good person, or like they don't like me and 594 00:36:52.159 --> 00:36:53.760 I'm not pretty enough, or like I'm not X Y and Z. No. 595 00:36:53.960 --> 00:36:59.000 Simply they have wants and needs. Let them be okay. I understand 596 00:36:59.039 --> 00:37:01.119 that you have wants and needs as well. This also can help you get 597 00:37:01.159 --> 00:37:06.519 out of toxic cycles and behaviors. When you realize a person who's showing up 598 00:37:06.559 --> 00:37:10.039 toxically in your relationship, they're most likely not going to change their ways until 599 00:37:10.079 --> 00:37:15.639 they work on their side of their relationship, their internal relationship towards themselves. 600 00:37:15.840 --> 00:37:17.760 But also you can see how you would be a match to that person as 601 00:37:17.800 --> 00:37:22.000 well, and you can decide whether you want to change, you want to 602 00:37:22.039 --> 00:37:23.639 heal. And what ends up happening when you want to change and heal is 603 00:37:23.679 --> 00:37:27.960 that person usually goes away or that person can conform. It depends, but 604 00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:30.920 in general, you will bring yourself up to a healthier status in a relationship. 605 00:37:30.960 --> 00:37:35.079 In general, it's what's happened to everyone who does it, It's happened 606 00:37:35.119 --> 00:37:37.239 to me. It's amazing. It can definitely be a lot of work, 607 00:37:37.280 --> 00:37:40.920 and I think this also can just help you become the change. When you 608 00:37:42.000 --> 00:37:46.280 understand yourself in relationships and people, you tend to have more confidence within yourself. 609 00:37:46.480 --> 00:37:50.079 You tend to not take things personally, You tend to go for exactly 610 00:37:50.119 --> 00:37:53.159 what you want. You tend to stop being so afraid to set boundaries and 611 00:37:53.159 --> 00:37:58.599 communicate, which is what you need in relationships anyways. And you stop looking 612 00:37:58.639 --> 00:38:01.360 towards everyone else to change, and you just become that change and you show 613 00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:07.280 yourself. What happens when you change is there becomes a reflection. When you're 614 00:38:07.320 --> 00:38:09.719 at this higher status, when you're at this higher value, when you take 615 00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:13.679 care of yourself, when you love yourself, you will start to attract people 616 00:38:13.679 --> 00:38:15.920 who are on that same frequency. But what we want is we want the 617 00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:21.039 shiny object, we want the healthy relationship, but we're not looking internally and 618 00:38:21.079 --> 00:38:23.880 to see how we are attracting this person, how we are also playing a 619 00:38:23.960 --> 00:38:28.519 role in this toxic relationship. It always takes two. So I hope this 620 00:38:28.559 --> 00:38:31.079 episode made you think a little bit more about yourself and how you show up 621 00:38:31.079 --> 00:38:37.039 in relationships. Understand that it's a journey. Understand that I have absolutely been 622 00:38:37.119 --> 00:38:39.360 there, like really I've had to do a lot of work when it comes 623 00:38:39.360 --> 00:38:44.440 to my relationships, and I'm at a very good spot in my relationships right 624 00:38:44.440 --> 00:38:46.719 now because of this work that I have done. I do think getting the 625 00:38:46.760 --> 00:38:51.840 book The Power of Attachment can be very helpful to understand yourself deeper because there 626 00:38:51.880 --> 00:38:54.480 are different attachment styles based off of your childhood, and it obviously gives you 627 00:38:54.559 --> 00:38:58.920 ways in which that you can respond differently to new things in your life. 628 00:38:59.000 --> 00:39:02.239 I also just think cultivating a healthy, deep relationship with yourself can be very 629 00:39:02.280 --> 00:39:07.559 beneficial for you to pour into yourself, for you to build up your confidence, 630 00:39:07.599 --> 00:39:09.840 your self worth, to have goals, to have projects, to have 631 00:39:10.039 --> 00:39:15.199 a life, to have friendships, especially female friendships if you're a female. 632 00:39:15.280 --> 00:39:19.119 For you to take time to detach, especially if you're anxious, testing out 633 00:39:19.199 --> 00:39:22.639 your ability to go and have fun and to be free, and to take 634 00:39:22.679 --> 00:39:25.800 your mind off of a person, or having that spotlight on everyone else but 635 00:39:25.880 --> 00:39:30.199 yourself, becoming that main character, romanticizing your life more. These are all 636 00:39:30.239 --> 00:39:34.880 little things that will really help you heal that anxious part of you, but 637 00:39:34.960 --> 00:39:37.719 also on the flip side, to just own who you are. Right Like, 638 00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:40.119 for me, I know my history and I know my anxious attachment style 639 00:39:40.159 --> 00:39:45.280 and it can definitely get flared up sometimes depending on the situation. And I 640 00:39:45.320 --> 00:39:49.719 have done a very good job at emotionally regulating and like working on myself and 641 00:39:49.800 --> 00:39:52.920 whatever. But there's still a part of me that does want security, and 642 00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:57.320 so I'm owning that. When I'm communicating my need within a relationship, I 643 00:39:57.400 --> 00:40:00.800 am still saying, like, actually, yeah, I do still need some 644 00:40:00.880 --> 00:40:04.559 reassurance that you are here though, like I do need that consistency. I 645 00:40:04.599 --> 00:40:07.440 am looking for that security, and that's okay that you want that. Of 646 00:40:07.480 --> 00:40:09.239 course, by the way, I wouldn't be communicating like that to a man, 647 00:40:09.840 --> 00:40:14.039 just saying but I just mean in general, like I would be communicating 648 00:40:14.159 --> 00:40:17.320 my needs. I wouldn't feel ashamed about that. But I would also understand 649 00:40:17.360 --> 00:40:20.840 that there are there is going to be a time where I need to regulate 650 00:40:20.880 --> 00:40:22.719 myself and I need to watch when I get a little bit too triggered. 651 00:40:22.800 --> 00:40:27.760 And how you know that as asking yourself, why is it that I'm feeling 652 00:40:27.800 --> 00:40:30.480 this way in the first place? When somebody acts a certain way, what 653 00:40:30.519 --> 00:40:32.559 does this make me feel? And usually it makes you feel like something that 654 00:40:32.559 --> 00:40:37.639 you felt in your childhood. So I think another good resource is to go 655 00:40:37.679 --> 00:40:42.000 back and to listen to the nervous system episode and distressing, because you know, 656 00:40:42.159 --> 00:40:45.679 even if you're not doing this in terms of relationships, understanding how to 657 00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:49.280 heal your nervous system and being in fight or flight and trauma responses, and 658 00:40:49.360 --> 00:40:52.920 just having practices set up in your day where you are distressing and you're self 659 00:40:52.920 --> 00:40:57.920 reflecting and you're journaling and you're having your routines, it's going to really help 660 00:40:57.960 --> 00:41:02.159 you be able to show up a more confident, healthy way and a relationship. 661 00:41:02.360 --> 00:41:06.400 And what I tend to find, especially when it comes to men, 662 00:41:06.760 --> 00:41:09.880 men are attracted to women who have the spotlight on their cells. Actually, 663 00:41:10.280 --> 00:41:15.719 and I don't mean in a very narcissistic way like I'm the best, no 664 00:41:15.719 --> 00:41:19.320 one else can beat me in this that, but seriously, like it's so 665 00:41:19.800 --> 00:41:25.760 healthy and so attracting when somebody can see you just loving yourself. So that's 666 00:41:25.800 --> 00:41:30.559 the takeaway. Love your freaking self and know yourself. I hope you guys 667 00:41:30.679 --> 00:41:35.119 enjoyed this episode. Don't forget I do have one on one coaching which I 668 00:41:35.159 --> 00:41:39.360 will open reopen sorry when I am done with the Stampede. So just follow 669 00:41:39.400 --> 00:41:43.480 me on Instagram. If you're interested in that. I also have journal guides, 670 00:41:43.599 --> 00:41:46.159 I have the heal To manifest I Reopen the Abundance Mindset one. I 671 00:41:46.199 --> 00:41:50.599 also have Inner Child Discovery journal prompts. So all the links will be down 672 00:41:50.679 --> 00:41:52.679 below. I hope you guys enjoy today's episode, and I'll see you in 673 00:41:52.679 --> 00:41:54.119 the next one. Bye.