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Good he did the kid? Join the questing is shoted, Join the icy
Basted Six writers face off Quire Roll of the Dice Tale quite dirty, leaving
nothing behind but fingerprits and a tall tale. Steal a cart's breaking fats with
plenty of time to kill icybasts. Ten Piso always icy. You know the
camp be chasty fasts, come on and join it, diicing faster. Hey,
there aren't Devious and Junior Adventures and friends. Welcome to episode. I
don't know anymore because every time I put an episode on there, I get
yelled at by Steve and Rick. So I'm just gonna say this is the
next episode of Dicey Bastards and they'll tell us what it is when it comes
out on the podcast services. Isn't that great? Just welcome, Welcome to
the current episode will be fun. No, I really want to call out
episode. No, I really want to call out my stepdads for yelling at
me in private. So uh, because that's that's what people want to hear
about us. They want they want the good self. And who am I?
I'm Mk Gibson, your host, the dungeon Master and author of such
books as Villain's Rule and To Beat the Devil. But we're not here for
me. We're here for my good friends, Robert Bevan, Rick Wallteriery,
Drew Hayes, Emily Kaplan and Steve Weatherall folks please enjoy introduce yourself starting with
mister Bevan. Hello, friends, my name is Robert Bevan. I played
the role of Jewelsru the Sorcerer. In real life, I write the Cavern's
Creature series of comedy, fantasy, and novels and short stories, starting with
the first book, Critical Failures, and I ran a bunch of shingles too,
go buy them. Hey everyone, my name is Qualtery and I am
a purveyor of fine literature. But here I play ooh fe. In real
life. Well, what I just said was complete bullshit. Other than the
move part, I mostly write a really good dick jokes in the form of
Bill the Vampire, Bill of the Dead and several other series. Is it
a bird maybe? Is it a plane? Nay, it's Kabert the Expedient
like Tar drewid, Yeah, thank you, I was. I was having
fun with that one, played by me. Drew Hayes, author of books
such as Superpowers, NPCs, the upcoming series Rover Powered available for pre order,
uh and Villain's Code number three of which is currently in development and out
soon hopefully. Just a cat to me, Jerdy could have called your SENTA
character, Drew nays, Oh, well, I made During the last a
D game, I made a NPC for the game. I rang Do Hayes.
Who was this? Who was the Stoner Druid, the Mushroom DRUIDH that
was fun, all right? Uh, Emily, can you match this energy
because everyone's bringing it today? No? Well, hey everybody, I'm Emily
Kaplan. I write under the name E M. Kaplan. I'm playing Claudia
today. She's kind of a rogue. Maybe that's a straw man argument.
I have written a new book called Arsenic and Alibis, which, if you
like the Josie Tucker mysteries, this is kind of a spinoff of that,
based in North Carolina. Oh well, sounds fantastic and last, but not
least, maybe least, I don't fucking know, mister Stan Dandy Liver himself,
Steve Webell, how are you doing, sir? I'm doing okay.
Hi there, I'm Steve Weverell, and I write books such as the totally
legend of Brand of Fine Master. If you like fantasy comedy, uh,
maybe leaning a little bit more towards the comedy, check them out like good
Today I will be playing Stan Dandyliver phillis leader of a group of individuals who
surely respect him. Fan freaking I realized I say fantastical loss, everyody drink
when I say fantastic. I guess that's my anyway, is everybody ready?
Yes, I mean we showed up? Yeah, well that is yeah.
Well well what do you want from us? Well you brought the energy,
so you showed up. So I guess it's my turn. Greetings all,
this is Connie Stan's conscience. How are you? I only ask because what
you're doing is likely better and smarter than what the rest of these fuck wits
are doing. Stan and his crew, Oh the god, they're worse than
the SF jack off. When last we met this team of nobodies, they
sat around a table that realizing that despite having a job to do, they
were broke. And what did they do? They discussed oral sex for money,
attempting to convince rats to work openly in a bar, how hygienic,
prostituting the pretty elf orc, and having a bake sale. Yes, friends,
this is a wonderful team of thinkers we have. These are all blue
chip ideas. My friend. Fortunately, the one smart pusson Trudy good Night
set them to see Yaka Rayah or Yak of all Trades, the Low Coal
Adventuring Guild representative. YAK offered themselves jobs, including looking for those responsible for
killing an Elf family and burning their home to the ground. For some reason,
Move did not want to be part of this. They agreed to deal
with the child predators of the town of West Cherry after refusing to bribe an
ease dropping dwarf couple, The newly named Dicey Bastards returned to the cash uttered
Ram for one last night of rest before setting out hopefully out of the law.
It's late and Cabert is downstairs talking business with his new rat minions.
But first we open on Stan in his bed again with Jorser. But now
they have two new bedfellows, Moog and Claudia. But I have to ask,
what is that smell? So get you guys onto the new map.
Is this a question where I openly asking, is it me? My money's
on joecer An, He takes I would like everybody in this bed and Drew
bishubible because of the bucket everybody in this bed to roll a perception check.
I don't know if I want to know, and choose not to move gets
An eleven. Claudia Rul's nineteen The Sorcerer Rules in eight. Well it's it's
there is a smell rather pungent, deathly smell that after about a day.
Claudia, you, being she who smelt it and dealt it, are closest
to the fact that the Koala that is still under your arm is starting to
decompose. He is dead dead, He's not just dead. He's now in
bow loosening the ladder avoiding in stands bed you. It's a big bed.
It's all four of you can fit. The rest of the rooms in the
ram are of course being used by hookers. But yes, there is a
slowly decomposing koala in your bed, Stanley, and it is smelly, and
everybody is now fully aware of it. So we take turns with Koala.
This is your time to shine. There perhaps worst ways to wake up,
but dan that I can think of them, it's the middle of the night,
by the way, that's even worse. I apologize for the smell.
I really don't think that apple pie is like a normal smell for me,
So I really apologize for that cinnamoni odor. Yes, the gentle cinema O
that that was that was just disturbing about this. Can you please leave the
dead bear outside? Now that I know that it's not me, I'm going
back to sleep. Just remind Moog of the rotting pits of elf corpses that
were around when was child. Mug. If I want a bedtime story,
you'll be the first to know test me. Claudia still kind of thinks that
Jorcerer and Stan are a married couple because they've been in bed before, they
shared a room before, and they are at the top of the bed,
they sleeping side by side. You tore at the bottom of the bed,
heads down, feet towards them. You're kind of like the old the old
couple in uh Charlie the chocolate factory, the four of you, that's what
you're kind of laying. Claudia and I are Britain and stem. You also
aren't contributing to society, even though apparently you can walk of a candy factory.
The mix. None of us have a job, but well could have
a job if we want. The problem is that that just that just occurred
to me as I look at the picture, like shit, that's how I
did later not you are like a stand You are clear than Grandpa Bucket,
Georcier, your Grandma Bucket and whatever the maternal family happens to be on moving
Claudia side that is the two of you. So, uh, well,
Claudia doesn't actually need to sleep, so can she get out of bed?
And she actually wants to try to skin the koala, like maybe go over
to the corner of the room. All share by all means okay, well,
I don't know about anyone else, but this is suddenly helping me full
this sleep. Can I roll for Arts and crafts? Give me that's a
sleight of hands, because we're checking to see how well you're skinning this thing
A ten. It's you start off average, a standard cut down, like
basically you're doing the uh, you're doing an autopsy. Eventually you're just like
skinning an animal. So you're starting usually in the stomach of the base.
You're skinning upwards. Now you're gonna try to peel it back off. You're
trying to peel the head, the skin off the face, I assume as
you're trying to keep the outside and keep the uh the chuck the enters to
the side. So, lady, we all know how it died. We
saw you joke it. I like the fact that no matter how well this
comes out, it will technically be kouality hide. Yes, that's right.
I went back for that joke again, mother, oh by old mates,
zip it was kuality time, sir, I listened back. Yeah that was
when he was alive. And that it will be quality high, fair enough.
That's even if she does a really bad job of this, it's still
going to be a quality job. I feel like this is an animation where
just someone sitting in the corner skinning something and they're all just watching. You
know. It's just ah, you know. Anyway, I give you two
more rolls like this is this is the opening decision. The next one is
like, you're halfway and let's see how you finished. So give me your
commure slide of animals can be two more okay, one oh natural twenty that
is again, now for the flourish two Uh well a ten. So uh
you started average, You've got it really good. And then so the first
incisions very noticeable. The rest of the skin comes off perfectly and they have
to chop it at the wrists and ankles. But you got the head off,
so yeah, it's h You actually have a fairly good wet, dripping,
pulpy, stinking. The hide's fine, but the innerds are decomposing badly,
so Gibby, it seemed to have you actually skinned the koala beit I
grew up in western Maryland, sir, I have skinned many many animals,
my friend. Uh sadly, I know how to do this, and it
doesn't get easier anytime home to now there are now there is a rat couple
down the corner, look kind of looking at the innards and they've been promised
all kinds of leftovers, and they're kind of looking at you thanks to their
couple of compare You don't I don't think any of you speak rat, but
they're looking at the guts and kind of like, eh, oh hell yeah
they can have it. Just gonna flip it out the window, but yeah,
definitely recycle, recycle. Can we please revisit you flipping the bear cuts
out of the window. What do you need to know? Well, right
now, just have the option to not be in their presence is an option.
You've got two rats going to town right now on the bear guts,
so you could you could scoop them all at the window. Their rats,
they won't seem to mind. You can think you can huck the whole thing,
given what we know about this rats. When you say going to town,
and the guts already having sex on the guts. It is a brothel
in fair enough to the rats either way. As a call back to the
episode we did yesterday, you sure listened to these rats not fucking As a
call back to yesterday's podcast for those patrons who listened to the the mimic just
the am I the asshole. Steve had a wonderful idea about oreos and sex.
So it's a little bit of both, Steve, it's a little bit
of both. Our time, not yesterday the listener's time. Quick. Yeah,
I mean I was ready to move on whatever, join the paper to
check out. So, yes, it's a little bit of both. It
is both sex and candy, much like a Marsie Playground song. So nice.
Full back to the Obscure Nighties, We're We're old. Yes, So
with the part of the skin that she successfully yes got off, she'd like
to either make a she'd like to make a little mask. Well, right
now it's bloody and it's not tan, so you just be sticking a bloody
skin onto your face. You had what you said, I unfamiliar with this
podcast, fair well, I am just you know what? Fuck me?
You're right Okay, you gotta tell how else is the mask on the stick
to a face? Give me it's a great disguise, nature's glue. So
she'll hold it up for like a it looks like a skin treatment. But
then she'll be like, oh, okay, I'll save this for later.
All right, the rest of you all good luck getting back to sleep with
that torture. And I we're gonna jump to Coibert, who's down in the
uh in the castrated ram while you guys deal with this. Cobert, you
are down here in front of the map is nighttime. It is dark,
and you have a trio of rats sitting in front of you. They are
sitting on excuse me, you have a trio of three rat hordes sitting in
front of you, and you're a holding court. At the moment they everyone
else, Willie Pete is asleep, Trudy Goodnight is knowwhere to be seen,
tear all the turd mancer is still standing guard sleepily over by the toilet,
and the inn is quiet. At the moment I knew he was a solid
employment decision, good old tenants. I will have raided the trash at the
start of this meeting so that I can spread out a buffet, because I've
been doing enough meetings to know if you provide food, people are a lot
happier to be there, right right, very true. So rats have some
food, and let's say we are reviewing the concept of patrol schedules so that
the rats understand that they will need to be perusing inside and outs to keep
an eye out for, you know, anybody who might be starting some shit.
Yeah, the rats are all in agreement, like, okay, so
you we got the free foods now, and we're allowed to cook whenever we
want to correct. Someone told us you could cook like you have stoves here.
I didn't think they provided those. No, the I mean they the
human people cook. We just want to cook with them, you know,
because it's like we think this is a great idea. Oh yeah, yeah,
excellent, excellent, Yes, yes, I believe everyone is on board.
Food and respect will be paid in return for god duties. Everyone wins,
except the people who come here to fuck a rap. Sure. Oh
yeah, now now what about you know, like, what about when the
humans are like, you know, doing their business, what about that?
You know, well, keep an eye on it, you know, make
sure they're treating the employee respectfully. Oh all right, well respectfully with in
the battles of the agreement. I didn't know if those fringe benefits that came
with this, you know, you know, just a I can't really speak
for the services of the employees that would have to be negotiated independently. All
right, man, you do you you know what. We appreciate everything you've
done for us. You've been a fantastic negotiator, and we could get a
little, you know, freaky from time to time, you know, watching
humans bone like we bone everybody bones. It is a brothel. So oh
yeah, if you just want to watch and go to town, that's that's
you go go nuts. From behind you you hear someone approaching, come from
downstairs, cabering too much? Ted is watching you talk to the rats.
Cobert will turn and give a respectful wave and then get right back to business.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second. Man, certainly,
I speak every language, all right, I don't mean interrupt your ratting.
Uh but uh, I hear you guys are going to struck him?
Is that that's right? Probably that sounds about right. I'll be honest.
I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to those details. I was noticing
some pigeon droppings on the roof and wondering if we needed to add an aerial
component. Oh okay, because like, but uh, that's probably right.
Sure, all right. I only asked because like I came from there once,
man, Like, that's that's where I originally was from. And it's
a it's a messed up place. Man. Interesting, Uh, what in
particular would you say we should be wary of? Okay, so I don't
know if you know this about now he's standing there now too much ted is
if that's not a moniker, Like he is packing way too much heat than
a human being should be, or a half helf or anything else. It's
kind of like it's hard not to notice. You know, you got to
strike out to trap it down. He's like, I don't share this,
but I think I can share it with you. I'm half centaur Ah first
I've meant but I know, well, it gets understand why you hide.
No, I don't. I you know, I make a really good money
with this. As you see the couple upstairs, they are not going to
walk straight, either one of them. But what I'm getting at is instruct
them it's a weird land. Then it's like it's ruled by like different like
every area has kind of got like this kind of robber baron type guy or
gal who runs their regions like that. So there's the laws are real.
Point is I came from a cult. It was this weird druid cult.
They would like they would shape shift into different animals and try to mate with
people, trying to create human passing hybrids, and I kind of had to
get away from all that, so I came to this land. But like
I'm one of those things. So if you're going in there, you've got
to watch out because like this cult, like they even tried making like like
they would turn into like bears and try to make human bear hybrids. And
sometimes they like they would leave their kids in the wilderness to then be raised
by the animals to see what happens to them. So like, like I
can't help but feel attracted to horses because I'm part one. But it's only
this part. So yeah, just when you get there, it's not like
the normal realms and lands up here. I'm just throwing it out to you
because there's some strange stuff out there. I only say this to you because
I feel an attachment to you and a kinship in a way. I know
that I know this is coming off weird, especially the middle of the night.
So am my apologies. No, I understand too much, Ted.
Thank you. Your warning may say of us from a terrible faith lust.
We went in unprepared. I appreciate the kindness. All right, Okay,
cool, I'm gonna go back upstairs. Do you want to do any fucking
later? Ah? No, thank you. I am quite busy tonight.
Oh okay, okay, well thanks, thanks for the talk, man,
and get good luck to you guys. You too too much, Ted,
you too much, too much, Tad goes off and you could sink you're
talking to your rats for minute. Yeah they can like, hey, talk
your horse guy. I think there's a problem, oh dear, you told
us to watch out for things, right, indeed, okay, there is.
There are people coming and they don't look happy. It's two dwarves,
some person that like some one of those this ladies. She's like gold scanned,
and they got a horse and a prisoner cart coming this way. You
said to keep a lookout. We kept the lookout. Just throwing it out
there, all right, give me, is that something I should recognize?
All right? Like I'll roll intelligence if I need to remember, but like
quick Kabert no immediately like oh fuck, okay, so zoom the map back
a little bit. Steve or Drew just looked at the northwest. Just about
several hours earlier, you guys were at Yack of All Trades and someone didn't
want to bribe the dwarves. They keep their mouths shut because someone was talking
about elf killings a lot, and there was an inspector who came looking for
those who may or may not be responsible for having burned down, killed and
burned down. The long story short, they're looking for Moog. They're not
sure who, but they do know that you guys know something, and perpectically,
Claudie was the one was the one who kept talking about killing. Oh
no, I rewound back the episode. Dude, you sat right there those
bar like I killed Anenol family just the other day, Like you are not
playing a sebtle character. Rare. They are not wrong. So I'm gonna
just go ahead and wild wait wait, okay, I guess how far out
are they we had? In context of the rats, I would say that
you've got five minutes. Okay, I will, uh, I will run
over to Truy good Night's thing first and alert her, because honestly, she's
the most confident one here. I was just I was just bringing up on
the map. You run over to the little hatch there behind the bar,
because Trudy likes to sleep down in the basement. Yep. Luckily nobody can
stomp like a centaur. Exactly. You go to Truday's thing and stomp.
Trudy pops up. He's like, what's going on, dary? She climbs
up there for a couple of minutes. What's going on? People in armor
with a prisoner carriage are coming this way. I felt you would like to
know. Oh, for fuck's sake, it's what did you do? Don't
look at me. I'm gonna go alert the idiots and then vanish. Okay,
okay, here's the thing. Is it for the stupid one, the
stupid pretty one? I couldn't tell you. I honestly don't even know who's
wanted for what at this point. Okay, there is an escape, okay,
this old Okay, listen to me, very well, go upstairs and
find them, get them down here. In a couple of minutes. There's
a hat. Google down my hatch into the basement. This is built on
an old dwarf. There are escape tunnels to get out of here. Okay,
but you've got to go upstairs and find them. Can you do that
for me, deary, I will stall them as best I can. Will
you peak it? Wait the fuck up? Can you tell me what room
they're in? Just go upstairs, Just go. We don't time, just
go, just go, all right, Kebert will race up the stairs.
All right? Uh? Do we have the role perception to hear a centil
coming up the stairs? Sadly? Yes, because this is an active brothel
and there are many rooms that are being used. In fact, let's go
to that map, Steve. If you could add some like coconut hoof,
I don't know how to add a centil running up the stairs. Well,
everybody's maackaging bed off the bat. I mean, just to find sound of
a bunch of billiard balls rolling downstairs. I feel like a good centaur.
Okay, But now here's the thing I need from you, Drew. As
we discussed earlier, give me. But as you as you reached the stairs,
by the way, you're on the map at the very bottom bottom right
corner. Gotcha. Uh, would you be so kind as to what role
do we say we want to say just for horses and stairs? What did
we say we wanted to work on? I think it was a descending roll
and it was for Yes, I'll find it out by the time we're going
downstairs. I will say this like I I I want either like a wisdom
intelligence constitutionally, something that sells me like you're not great with stairs going up
your iffy, but you can go up just fine. So it's kind of
like mister ed two nine. Yes, so you've come on that. What's
fucking brilliant? Guys two nine? I got it, man, we're we're
miss Yes, it was a wisdom save or it becomes difficult terrain and counts
as double yes. Okay, so going up the stairs. By the way,
the team you al should go to see through team bucket yep, okay,
Drew, Drew. The floor is yours. All these rooms are like
I put I put roofs on all these things, so you don't you can't
tell which room anybody is in at the moment. Don't read things. Just
I realized that don't don't read the things right now, just go to do
your best. Guess. Let's have a little fun here a mystery. Unfortunately
I made the name s well, god damn it. Well I think let
me double check. Okay, yeah, this seems like the best option.
I will run up to the top of the stairs, yep, and then
I will bust a thunderclap cantrip okay, a burst of thunderous sound that can
be curved up to one hundred feet away. Yes, just the space in
front of me. I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I want to make
a noise loud enough to cut through everything. All right. Well, you
to the top of the stairs, and there are sounds coming from every room
that or most of the rooms that are just it is groans of pleasure.
So okay, you make a thunderclap and everything stops, and then I will
immediately yell idiots to me, give me, give me a performance check.
All right, I'm trying to sleep. I've heard about a thousand people come.
But that's the weirdest one. Yeah, that's pretty good. Okay,
So just because you said idiots to me one second, all right, let's
see here, I'm excited. We have a battle cry all right, and
the last but not least there we go great, all right, so Drew
basically, the thunderclap, all the doors open. You've got this what's going
on in this bed? You got what's going on that bed up here?
You've got the sex dungeon in the northwest where Rosy Cheeks holding corp like,
got people and uh, there's a gimp goblin watching people. You've got a
guy on a cross, You've got someone in a chair, You've got a
couple down here. So every one of these Jews, but the idiots in
question, U idiots, you're in the northeast. What are you doing?
Presumably we had that. It was a seventeen performance, so it's pretty good,
you know, so it's way above average. The thunderclap did stop most
of the humping, so the call was very clear. The doors locked,
but the doors are fairly sound proof. That's the problem. Like it's like
there's a lot of muffled humping, but it's not you do with it as
you see fit. Do we recognize it's Cabert I would say yes, it's
definitely not. The sounds of fucking. We need to go to Cobert.
Apparently he's being hassled by some idiots. Come on, guys, it's gonna
be dressed. Get dressed yet, take I mean, I was definitely very
awake after watching Claudia slowly peel a koala pet. You guys were not all
the way asleep. That's like a warm cup of camera meal tea for Standandy
Lever Torocer was enjoying the extra leg room. It should be nice to smell
that comes out of this room when the door is open. Come on,
Cape is in trouble. Also, I no longer want to be in this
room ever again. Yeah, that room is gonna be used for a very
specific fetish going forward. Yeah, all right, So I'm gonna grab the
four of you and pull you down here to Cabert. What's wrong, Cabet?
Where these idiots to there hassling you? Yes, the rats alerted me
that there are armored men coming with a prisoner carriage, and Trudy good Night
alerted me that they're an escape tunnel down behind the bar. So let's get
the fuck out of here and with that gebar will shape shift into a rat.
Okay, this this this weird night? Am I actually away a man?
I don't want to be seen with this group. Perhaps they merely want
to drink and the whore and I will scurry up stay on the stands shoulder.
I guess okay, I will grab the four, I will grab all
five of you. I'm gonna put you all here together. Uh, jibby,
you spend so much time on this lovely torture map. I feel like
we should savor it a little bit more like the Jesus cross guy up in
the corner. It was the gobbling gimp in the chain that in the cage
that really made me happy. Said, that's in the Northwest. Yeah,
it's It's not on the screen of the moment because Steve is not showing everybody.
And that's fine. Uh, let's save the mat for a moment.
I cut this around. No, I mean, it's only spent like an
hour building and it's cool. It doesn't matter. Actually, I gonna I'm
gonna re edit this as just a blank screen or maybe a picture of a
picture of my middle finger. I mean, I haven't set out like food
for the whares and a nice plush couch and put time for beds and be
really taking care of these people. There's bathtubs. It looks so luxurious.
It is well true, Stand Flash. A lot of the reason you guys
are broke is stand gave out more than half his plat or to rebuild this
bar that you guys are now fleeing, and it's fantastic. Stand will,
thinking quickly say Okay, we're gonna need some cover, some kind of who
balanche, and he will shout out, your wife's here. All right?
So I thought you were gonna throw horrors out the window down at the cart.
Let's cool that plant bee? Shall we man? All right? You
said that? Okay, excuse me, that's this? This? No,
those are two hookers in bed. This is the gnome that likes to watch.
This is a mage. What else we got? I know we can't
use it, but everyone just imagine the Benny Hill music. Yes, so
the gnome who likes to watch is definitely a shingle style. Yeah, because
I had to. I had two hookers in the bottom left bed and the
nme in the corner, just jacking it. So, because can anybody here
cast illusion magic? I can cast a minor illusion. I believe Josa can
too. Maybe pick maybe, pick one of the one of these and make
them look like me. That's clever. I feel bad because I didn't come
up with it. I don't know spell. No, the minor illusion just
created. The spell is called seeming, and I don't think any of you
have seen me because I think it's a fourth level spell, a little outside
our purview. Just yet floating, he said, seeming, not Seamen.
It doesn't matter. You have a nice This is this I like to think
end game. Joeestra says I could make a floating dick, and we're just
like, yeah, that's the like the twelfth time you said that. This
is exactly the only surprising thing about that is that you don't always have a
floating dick around you. Yes, let's see how so this, this school
of Johns are actually going ahead of you. I'm just gonna put you on
the map the other way. So this actually works out brilliantly. Did you
just say a school of John's, Well, I heard a cloister. What
do we got? What you would call it a pack? It's a pride
of Jones. Let's be hearing a chlamydia of John's. A shame of Jones,
A shame of John. I like that. I like that a lot.
All right, what did what did it end up for was it a
felony of joorcerers? Nice? I think yeah, any joster in multiple as
a felony. I remember if there was one. Four. Oh, we'll
get back to it. Still impot right now. We have things to worry
about, all right. So I'm putting you guys down here and the I'll
do it here a map just a second, so the Johns will be fleeing
out the door. I'm just setting up the map causing a ruckus, which
works out just fine. All right, you guys in the bottom right corner,
and the Johns are fleeing. The chlamytee of John's are fleeing to the
north respector riggs. The asmar you guys saw earlier that day is at the
front door, like oh like stop and then oh god, like there's it's
just dicks and tits and wangs just running past her like I got a hold
to my wife and like they're stop dat. I'm sorry, honey, you
weren't supposed to see me, Like, don't tell you about that. And
you know there's a couple of dwarves. Like behind the two dwarves you failed
to like bribe or out or you just saw a yack of all trades are
behind inspector. They've got irons and manacles and like. But like now it
is just it is just a bunch of dudes. Be sure to scream out,
oh my god, there there goes dwarf who confessed to murder dwolf kill
children. Give me a give me a person, give me a performance role.
There Rick at least one of those dwarfs take the mushroom stamp in the
process, given their you know, relative to the fleeing dog one. Okay,
let's see, holy ship, let's see what her perception checked. And
this this is why Kubert turned into a rat before. So she's trying to
look over the people and fort some are tall, so i'mer sure. She's
an average eyed woman. And some of the men are quite large, so
she cousin quite here whe's coming from. She's got an average perception role.
Okay, Trudy's behind the bar all like, you know, near six feet
verse. She's like, get the funk over here now. So she's behind
the bar and she's got her foot by the the thing downstairs. Son's aware
of this escape hat show would mansion you are aware there's a hatch to the
cellar, but where it goes, you're not sure she's She's about to tell
you, So everybody like, okay, move, Give me an athletics roll.
If you're hopping the bar fourteen, perfectly easy. You vault over the
rats and get over by this escape hatch. You know this one pretty well
because you've been up through it. You've been down there. That's where you
and Claudia met. Maybe tell the Tell the rats is I have vault over
them? If seeing if see any elf customers here, chew out their eyes
this mood, just assume he all right, who's the X up stand?
Show me give me. Let's use that artificial hip and make it good.
Give me an athletics roll to vault the vault the thing a little bit of
style. Let's see how it goes. Athletics or acrobatics. Acrobatics might be
more my speed. A night you trip, bang your knee, fall into
a rat and fall over next to Moog. I'm on the other side of
the bat. That's what counts. Yeah it is, but it hurts like
shit. Well, uh now, let's see. Uh Cobert, you were
on his shoulder at Give me an athletics roll to stay on his shoulder right
twelve. Uh, you know what you hang on there? Now? The
other rats are like seeing you and like, hey, do you want to
get the like hey en rat, like you wanna get freaky? You know,
because of the group right here, right now, I'm just saying,
we're in a bar. Appreciate the invitation. Unfortunately my night appears booked.
All right, Jorceery, you're up next. Vault that bar u a athletics
or acrobatics. Your call? What if you feel more comfortable? Yeah,
the johns are starting. The Johns are starting to get past her. So
here we go, right Claudiae Gecer roads to the bar and he doesn't even
try to hop. He just runs into it and falls boom, flat and
like false right back. It's like you know there, it's kind of like
the pudgy kid who you know he's supposed to jump in the long jump,
but he does it so just like flat, flat and false is just like
a fat drunk unkle on a slip inside of bobecue. I was trying to
disbelieve an illusory bar, all right. So I'd like you to think,
like, just imagine Chris Farley doing anything. That's just what happens. All
right, Claudia, you're up. Do you want to help georser or a
vault over him? Or can you use a nice springboard? Well, it's
a nine much like Stan. You trip over geors or bang your knee,
but you fall over to the other side. Four of your own. One
side. Trudy's by the door, and Georgia you are laying there and the
Johns are starting to filter out. Who's so, I'm not gonna lie to
you. A gang that could have looked better? All right, who's going
down first? Okay? Moog? You were first? What are you doing?
Guess? Go down the stairs? All right, Moog? Did you
jump down the stairs and actually take your time going down the ladder? Jumped
down? All right, Fan, take real fast, take four fall damage?
Okay, and you'll put you down here because you were down the stairs
at the moment. Next up Stan, you were next with with Kabert.
Do you take the time to use the ladder? You're just hop down.
I'm going to take a little time to talk to Trudy while the rest of
them go down the stairs. All right, you were over here on the
side with Trudy and okay, Claudia jorcer. You're up next, all right.
George is going to buy us some time, okay, and I know
there's nothing half your movement to stand back up? All right, a female
police officer cannot resist. You're gonna make another dick on the bar? Aren't
you a dick with a donut around it? All right? I will?
Oh, and I'm gonna put it next to the door. Oh okay,
okay, we'll say the bucket. Here is a dick on a donut next
to the door. Okay, yeah, I'm not googling. Let's see the
bucket will have to do us the fitter of the mind you sick. Oh,
she sees it, and you know now she's a paladin, so I
we'll come to that when it comes to that. But but the Johns are
still filtering out. Are you gonna try to hop over the bar? Now?
Donuts too, gibbie? Everyone likes donuts? All right? Here we
go fifteen Uh yeah, But it takes all your movement. You get as
far as there because it took Cafin Moon to stand up, and you get
passed the rats fairly easily. This time. Your robe doesn't catch you.
You're on the other side of the bar. Claudia, you're up Are you
going down the hole? Or are you? Uh? What are you doing?
Claudia has just seen Gorcer kind of have a little trouble, so she
wants to give him a little shoved towards the stairs. Okay, so you're
gonna use your action to give me an athletics roll to shove Georcer towards the
stairs. Yep, seven, he doesn't go anywhere. Okay, okay,
never mind, your hands are still slick with kuala blood. By the way,
do you stoll the skin with you? Yeah? Absolutely, it's as
upstairs. Okay, the corpse is upstairs with the skin. It's a mask
now, Oh it's a mask. Now. I'll tell you what if this,
If she is a cup, her forensics team are gonna have a really
hard night. So the bloody chain that leads down does not a black light
big enough giving Wait, are they gonna know it was a koala? Are
they gonna think it was another l It's gonna be like boss like, like
a one skin koala and a literometric ton of seamen. All right, uh
moog, you're down to the bottom. We'll get to you. You're fine
waiting for the other friends to show up. You can call up if you
want. Is there anything you want to scream it to the top of the
ladder? Nah? Okay, nap fucking Moog's good? All right? Uh
Stan? Is your turn? Truties? Like Staniel, I know this is
not the time and the place that we wanted to pod. But go down
the stairs, go into the pond. Now you have to dive into the
water and you there's an old path that leads out. You have to dive
down deep. You have to hold your breath. Okay, I love you,
Stan, but you yes, I love you too. Will be fine.
I don't want you risking a single Hall's wife on the whoever they's pricks
are you just keep them busy, but no violence. Will be fine in
case I never see you again, Stan, I always wanted to tell you
that, even though you you didn't realize it. But your daughter loves you
and she shoves you down the stairs. Oh well, uh okay, you
meet her sometime. Yeah, we'll have to track her down and make that
a quest. Everyone shuts up. I'm dealing with you. You get shoved
down. You look up at Trudy and she's like and she makes that like
the symbol like the little heart symbolsis and she mouths, I love you Dad.
All right, Claudia and Jorcer, get down that ladder. How are
you doing this? We're probably gonna try to squish down together and then get
stuck halfway. See this, I want to see this role. Okay,
So both of you give me athletics acrobatics or athletics roles to try to get
down the stairs at the same time. Now stop squishing me. Seventeen and
thirty. You know what together that makes thirty, So I'm gonna allow it.
You know, he's kind of pudgy and squishy, and you're not very
big. You're very slippy with the blood. After a bit of comedy rope,
get off the wop wang boom, you both go down and you both
take four points of falling damage out. Well, well, yeah, all
right, I'm gonna put you guys on the other men. I'm also going
to cast a minor illusion on the trap door to make a pair as though
it isn't just another piece of floor onll that the side that you're on will
work. Now the top side that you're not affecting, we'll find out later,
all right, So you are now down. Wait a minute, what's
you did say? Binder? Religion is gonna be seen from one angle.
It's just for the fucking an Amstrad game. Come on, you guys are
down to the bottom. You fall to the bottom of the stairs. Boom,
flood. Most take half your movement to stand back up. You can
hear a movement upstairs, and you can hear Trudy like the Johns are leaving,
running through the door, and Trudy's like, what's going on? Dary?
My eyes on with you? And she she trickles off and like WILLI.
PE's like, what the fuck is good? So you've got a few
minutes of distraction. What are you doing? All right? Well, scrap
minor illusion? Is there still a pea bucket down here? Sorry, that's
a fair question given how many people have crashed landed down here? Okay,
yeah, before we does anybody have to use the pay bucket? Do it
now because we're not stopping. There you go, there's a pea bucket.
I had to put you on the map. I'm so sorry I thought I
did. Here we go. You are on there now, you're on the
right map. Okay, boom, you guys are on the pea bucket.
It's your p moog. Why you you collecting? I guess, actually thredy
in the bucket and then pour it on the stairs. There's already p in
the bucket. Well we can add more. It's several days old and it
is going almost as bad as Claudia. Now, all right, Google,
take the bucket. Google, put it at the very top of the stairs,
so that whoever comes that in hot pursuit, well gets a piss bucket
on their on their foot. Got it? All right? Give me,
give me a slight of hand roll to make sure you prop it up correctly.
Seventeen Pretty fucking good. All right, that's a good booby trap.
We go, way to go, goonies. Well, I was gonna say,
if, like if I can, if my minor illusion spell was wasted
there, if I could have it again, I would just like to use
it to disguise the pea bucket trap more. Firstly, because I'm more invested
in this idea. Now, yes, I sorry I made that hard,
harsh call. But like I imagine you're you're beneath the trap door, so
around that area looks. I don't know if it effects the things on top,
but let's say, yes, the pea bucket. Now this looks like
part of the stairs. It looks like it's just this is better, Okay.
I mean disguising the trap door would have been more useful, but this
way somebody gets p on them. All right, right, all right,
time to escape from piss police. All right. I like the pea bucket
idea. I'm gonna add to it. Oh god, the pea buckets at
the top of the stairs. What are you doing behind this? Guys?
But does anyone have more amusing trap ideas? We should really brainstorm this for
a bit. What are you doing, Georgier? I'm going to send halfway
up the stairs, okay, and pee the rest of the way up,
okay, and then I'm gonna ray of frost my pe Okay. So we're
full we're full on home alone in this ship. Yeah, okay, I
would like to get give me a performance role, performance role for your pee.
Okay, here go, okay, natural one. Your pe is just
it's it is dribbling all over the place, back onto your face. You're
shooting up. It's gonna be it's kind of you're pissing into the wind.
Literally. Uh, I'm not going to do the ray of frost. Okay,
you already committ Now you're up there. Basically, Now give me an
athletics or acrobatics role your choice to see how you're doing up on that lader,
because now you're covered in piss and it slippery. No oh, sir,
sir, you slide down like a fireman and don't even disrupt the bucket.
Good job, but you are now covering your own piss. That was
going to happen eventually. Okay, does anybody else have any ideas I'm gonna
I'm gonna rat a towoy standown and delivered by the hair and point him toward
the escape pond. Wait, is this a thing you can down d I've
this is in the mechanics, because if it's not in the mechanics, listeners,
I don't know. We don't know how much swaying paw we have.
But if you could write to wizards of the coast and explain to them that
needs to be a mechanic put it in sixty you cowards, Why wouldn't you
do the very least. I can pull your hair and help direct your head
toward the giant pools of water that Trudy said we should escape out of Give
me a persuasion role with advantage because you're pulling. Well, you're in his
hat, so you're give me a persuasion role because you're like hair a hat.
You're trying to tug it stands, So give you a persuasion role to
get him a point in the right direction. Eighteen stand do that with that
as you see fit. Well, we are supposed to be cunning. Much
as I was invested in his piss idea, I've seen that it can backfire
quite spectacularly. It's time to quit while we're ahead by the piss. Everybody,
It's time to dive into the water that isn't yellow and foul. Come
on yet yet inevitably yet, I mean Drosser is literally soaking in his own
piss. Yeah, we're in it. Koala blood. Yeah. I wonder
if he'll be able to tell which way we wait. Okay, let's do
this in order of people who are least covered in viscera. All right,
so move down towards the pond, and I'm going to remind you all about
fivey rules. Every every PC character can hold their breath for one minute plus
one minute. That equates to their constitution modifier savient plus two. That's a
total three minutes. Does that make sense? Yes? Yes? One question.
One question. I don't have to breathe, do I? You do
not woop woop? Okay? Thanks? Do we have to actually explain this?
I will say this for kebar for the moment you will ride on stand,
But once you switch back, it's as a mouse you're gonna have or
as a rat you're gonna a far lower breathing time. Oh oh, don't
worry. I have my own game plan once we're past the ladder, all
right, because I don't think you have a swim speed yet with your wild
shapes. I do actually fourth lofth you do, yep? Okay, oh,
then then I'll shut the fuck up. I checked that specifically as soon
as I heard the word water. Yes, sir, all right, now
everyone's following suit. Move. You're the first one there. You dive down
a little bit. Give me a perception check underwater. Can you you're a
half of so you have like dark like vision? Correct? No, I'm
a full off. Oh you're full of so. My mistake. So,
yeah, you can see in the dark. You look, go underwater and
give me a perception check or uh, you don't, you don't. Who
the fuck where am I? I don't know what else is? Anybody else
is not an idiot can do this? Moves Moove's lost. I think we're
all idiots. I just standing there, down to my ankles. I'm lost.
And you also want to give it a shot to see if they can
spot the tunnel. Well, yeah, Stand knows well he was told roughly
where to go by Trudy. So all right, okay, hop down into
the water. He should have been taken the lead. Maybe it's distracted by
the rat trying to control him. All right, Stand goes down. He
hops into the water, standing, give me a perception check once you're fully
submerged. As soon as stands down, I would like to disengage from his
shoulder before he gets in the water. Okay, I thought you were going
to say, gonna aid with the perception check. We've really got to work
out this rat too, he think at some point eighteen okay, Stan,
you do spot Okay, this pond, there's like there's an underwater pod that
it dives down a little bit and there is an opening in a rock formation
just below it's it's about ten feet down and it goes in, but you're
not sure exactly how deep this goes. Okay, well, I've got a
fifty foot rope in my adventure pack and I would like to trail that behind
me, all right, I see. Well, first you're gonna tell your
friends, I'm assuming, yeah, all right, So with that, this
is where we're going to leave this episode. Ladies and gentlemen with stand getting
ready to lead this way to the dark watering unknown before we head out.
Is there anything anybody would like to say to the fans or anything they like
to let me know what their characters are doing? Joe, Sorry, any
more piss related activities? Pill, you sign off for this end now.
I was just thinking, what an opportune time to have spread myself with piss.
It's very true. Well, the blood washes off, so with those
words of wisdom and the physical aspect of it, does the mental not so
much? Oh No, the horrifying nightmares of watching her skin a koala at
the foot of the bed is going to haunt the dicey bastards for the rest
of their lives. And that is where we leave off, ladies and gentlemen.
So until next time, I Meankie Gibson on the behalf of the other
authors, Rob Emily Kaplan, Drew Hayes, Rick Wall, Teriery and Steve
weather Or we've been the Dicey Bastards and you've been great. Goodbye everybody,
goodbye. Oh boy, that was a heck of an adventure. Dicey Bastards
is brought to you by Authors and Dragons dot Com. You can check us
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four. Your wife's here,