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This is pod Populi podcast for the
people, The Great Love Debate. It's

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the Great Love Debate, the Great
Love Debate. It's a great love tobace.

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Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howe. Welcome to The Great Love Debate,

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the world's number one dating and relationship
podcast since twenty fifteen. You get

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just me today. Some of you
like that, some of you roll your

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eyes. But you're all here,
so gather around and stay for a bit

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it uh. I was thinking about
that the other day because I was producing

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some podcasts and helping some podcasters,
and it took me almost a hundred episodes

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of this show before I was able
to do one by myself. I was

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able to stand on my own two
feet and even quote unquote felt able is

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probably a bit of a stretch.
Somebody back then, I don't know,

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five years ago, canceled at the
last minute, and I was sort of

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thrown into the deep end and I
just had to wing it. And some

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of you at that time actually gave
me positive reinforcement and the kind of feedback

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that I was looking for, that
you liked it and you were along for

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the ride, even if it was
just the two of us. So I

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always needed at that time, back
in the day when I had sort of

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the early feeling out of the Great
Love Debate podcast, I always had my

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engineer Kalin through the glass and my
producer Kako was around for most of them,

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and I had this sort of revolving
rotation of mostly female voices. I

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had Jilly, and I had Kate, and Christina Webber did a bunch and

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Laurel did a whole lot of shows. And I just think I needed someone

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to play off and I needed someone
to say right or you know too,

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and I needed him to hit the
ball back. So that was probably more

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about my insecurity than about creating great
content. But that was me then and

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that was us then. And I
think I needed reaction, and the easiest

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and most tangible reaction was always laughter. I needed someone to laugh. And

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back when I used to direct a
lot of theater, there was always some

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funny elements to it, and a
lot of the actors and actresses would come

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off the stage and they'll be like, they're not laughing. I didn't see

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them laugh, and I was to
always tell them to relax, because you

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know, that doesn't mean they weren't
absorbing or appreciating the material if they weren't

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overtly laughing. Some people just aren't
comfortable laughing in a theater. I know

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that when we do our tour shows, it sounds differently when we do it

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in a live music venue versus when
we do it in a comedy club versus

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we do it in a theater.
Some people just aren't comfortable laughing in a

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theater, so I told them not
to worry about that. But I needed

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that in this podcast. Back then, I needed someone to laugh, even

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if they're just behind the glass.
But as we got deeper into these shows

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and sort of this collective journey,
I think I wanted us all to think.

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And I used to tell the actors
and actresses back then, if you

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had four or five hundred people in
a theater and they were all thinking about

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something that collectively, that sound,
that sort of were metaphorical sound of people

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thinking was louder than any reaction I
thought you were going to get if people

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were just laughing. So as I
get into this and what I want to

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talk about today, it's not that
the laughter fades into the background. It's

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that it needs, I think,
to be more of a more of a

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side course and not totally the driving
impetus behind these conversations. So what triggered

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all of this? On this sunny
morning as I record this, I am

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here in the very fine studios of
pod Popula podcast for the people, I

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am at the one in Scottsdale,
Arizona. And if you have listened to

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this podcast before when I've been recording
in Scottsdale, you know that I loved

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being in Scottsdale. I love almost
everything about Scottsdale. I love that I

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can just say Scottsdale and not have
to say Arizona. And people are like,

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oh, I know Scottsdale because it's
not that big a place. People

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know it are there about fifty days
a year when you or me should not

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come to Scottsdale because you would not
love Scottsdale. Probably Scottsdale July and August

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is no picnic, but the rest
of the time Scottsdale. And you're like,

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I didn't tune into the Great Love
Debate podcast to listen to the Greater

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Phoenix Area Board of Tourism. I
get that, but it leads a little

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more into what I want to get
into on a deeper level. And sometimes

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we go into a deeper level around
here who knew back in the day when

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we were just chuckling through the glass. So what do I love about it

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here? And how will that get
into what I want to talk about today?

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And somebody asked me that what do
you love about Scottsdale? Are you

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a fan of the desert? Do
you love cactus? Do you love you

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know, indigenous creatures that live here? And I'm like, I love it

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because it's silly. And I'm not
sure the Chamber of Commerce wants to lead

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with that. They probably want us
to focus on the vibrancy of the desert

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and the history of the Old West
and the golf and whatever. But really,

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the thing that makes this place this
place is how silly it is.

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There are now the third most bachelorette
parties in the country here, and at

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some point, as I record this
pretty early in the morning, a group

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of girls is going to pedal by
on a bike, sucking on drinks and

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wearing matching T shirts and go whoo
as they ride by. Bachelorette parties are

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about being silly, and dating is
about being silly, which is why I

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love all of this, the dating
conversation and the Scottsdale. They both have

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a heaping quotient of silly, and
they should first and second on the Bachelorette

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party list. Vegas and Nashville two
places that I also love and two places

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that are about as silly as you
can get, and I like those places.

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Beverly Hills is a silly place,
Boston is a silly place. Miami,

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Atlanta, And that all bodes well
for the dating landscape. People that

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show places that show up year after
year on our Worst Cities in America to

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Find Love list, they lack that, they lack that sense of silly.

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Philadelphia, It's dreadful, dour,
Denver, doll Is, dirt, Seattle,

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San Francisco, New York. And
you might be like, no,

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New York is wonderful. It can
be, and it has been. It's

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got plenty of wonder There's plenty of
wonder New York City. But I think

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it lacks whimsy, And at least
in twenty twenty three it does nineteen sixty

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three New York, you know,
Audrey Hepburn, New York, maybe twenty

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three not so much. And whimsy
is rooted in silly. And you're like,

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well, we're talking about silly for
forty five minutes. Today I'm like,

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not quite. So we're gonna go
down the rabbit hole on all of

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this and what it's about and what
it ultimately means after this quick break,

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So stick with me. The answers
are just six seconds away at most,

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I promise, and we are back. And why do I bring up all

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this besides being amused by some drunk
girl in a bad wedding veil sucking on

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a penis strad at eleven o'clock in
the morning, Because one of the things

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that comes up the most at all
of our live shows for years and years,

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hundreds of shows is the women saying
over and over that they need a

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guy who is funny. Funny,
and funny is first on the list for

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the majority of women what they're looking
for above smart, above stable, above

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wealthy, above handsome or kind or
anything else. Funny overwhelmingly is what they

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say they want. And my first
instinct is to defend that because by any

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objective standard, I'm pretty fucking funny, and I got paid a lot of

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money by top comedy clubs in the
world to go there and make people laugh

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for ninety minutes. But part of
me wasn't ever completely comfortable leading with the

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funny, or at least putting it, you know, sort of first on

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my metaphorical resume, more deep therapy
here, because my parents thought funny was

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quote unquote a waste of my smarts, and then only only serious people can

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be successful. And when someone would
ever say to me in life or one

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of my shows, they go,
oh my god, you're so funny,

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I would I would flinch a little
because I would hear their voices, Mom

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and dad, this is a waste
of your time and our money. But

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a second part of me, when
it comes up at the shows, I

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react to a little differently, in
the sense of to defend the guys or

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to look out for them at least. But what if he's not funny?

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Then what Because these guys are sitting
there in the audience and they hear women,

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it's sort of like the tall thing
they you know, the women say,

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oh my god, I need a
tall guy, and half the room

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is under five to nine, and
they're like, what am I supposed to

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do with this information? Well,
the same thing happens with funny. The

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women say I want funny, I
want funny, I want funny. So

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I hear this, and I'm thinking
about the guys, Well, then what

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so I tend to scratch a little
deeper on it, and it kind of

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reveals itself that it really isn't about
funny, not entirely. You guys have

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heard me say over and over that
every woman only wants three things, and

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every woman wants the same three things, and everything else is just a subset

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of or tangential too tangential English major. Everything else is just a subset or

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tangential to these three things. She
wants a man who makes her feel special,

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she wants a man to make her
feel sexy, and she wants a

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man to make her feel safe.
And safe is always the tough one.

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It's about trust and sharing and honesty
and strength and vulnerability and all the things

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that don't come readily or easily to
a man. And the funny can give

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those Being fun he can make her
feel special, and it can make her

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feel sexy, for sure. The
laughing triggers all kinds of things, but

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I'm not sure it can make her
feel safe and safe is the most important

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one. So you're like, where
are you going with this? I'm going

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back to the silly. The silly's
different from funny, and I'm going to

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make the argument that silly, of
all things, can make you feel safe

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and you're what you're like. What
silly's not about is about not taking things

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seriously. It's about being foolish.
It's about using poor judgment. These girls

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that are ride by and go whoo
lots of poor judgment in their immediate future.

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But I think silly can calm you. I think it can ground you.

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Silly can make you forget a lot
of stresses. Silly comes from the

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creating of an environment between two people
where confidence can flourish and your cares won't

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overwhelm you, and they might even
disappear. So I bring up Adam Sandler

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a lot in this podcast, because
Adam Sandler gives a lot of guys a

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lot of hope for acting a certain
way and getting a certain result in his

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movies. But he doesn't get the
girls at his rom coms when he is

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funny. It's usually funny in the
first part. He gets them when he

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turns into silly, because silly is
one step from being sweet, and the

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silly leads to a song, and
the sweet is what wins the day always

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and You're like, are you adding
silly and sweet to your holy trinity of

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special, sexy and safe. I'm
not, but I'm saying that those two

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things are at least a big part
of the ingredients. It isn't necessarily about

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funny getting her to laugh. It's
getting her to smile, which we've done

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whole episodes about. It's getting her
too calm, it's getting her to be

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distracted in a good way. I
think it's getting her to relax. I

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think it's getting her to share.
And I think it's getting her to see

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more of you and I think more
of herself. And it's about remembering what

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it's like to behave and act and
feel and think in a way that it

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doesn't matter what anyone else thought of
her, only what you think of her

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in the best possible way. Giggling
is silly and giggling is sweet. If

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you can't make her laugh, and
many many guys cannot make her laugh,

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that doesn't make you ineligible to her, despite what she claims or publicly says

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that our shows or really thinks,
because she hasn't really thought it through,

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and as she thinks it through,
she'll want you to be confident and calming

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and caring and present, and she
wants you to create this atmosphere where she

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can be herself, which is always
on her very best day, in the

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very best light, probably a little
silly, which is why people love it

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here the Scott's Dazzle. It's why
these girls are going around this town and

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having such fun and feeling so free. It's not about the boys, and

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it's not about the marriage to calm
and the life ahead and the realities of

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the future. It's about being in
the moment, and in the moment,

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being silly almost always wins. The
silliest group of girls I think are probably

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eleven and twelve, that little window
right before the boys come into play and

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the stresses of life, and they
just like, what are they doing?

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That doesn't really go aways. Later
in life, you still have that part

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in you just turn it off.
And so when I'm talking about being silly,

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it's a weird time where something can
be both liberating and grounding simultaneously.

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It's liberating that you can be and
do anything you want without fear of judgment

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or the specter of regret. And
it's grounding because it's rooted in who you

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always were, your core your essence
and those feelings. So are you like,

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are you saying laughter doesn't matter?
Of course not. I'm saying being

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funny isn't necessarily about being funny.
So this is partially to get the girls

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to think what is it really about? And it's partially to give the guys

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some hope that if they aren't clever
and witty and full of great jokes and

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lines, that they still have a
shot if they can tap into the silly.

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That doesn't mean they need to dress
like a clown. It's more likely

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to frighten her. And that doesn't
mean they need to tickle her and unexpectedly

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she would hate that. Don't do
that. It might just be taking her

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hand and twirling around on the sidewalk
in the middle of nothing. Or it

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might make be taking two oranges in
the grocery store and turning them into the

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gurrant giant eyeballs. She'll laugh,
She'll think, she'll think you're an idiot,

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but you'll find it silly, and
you you rolled your eyes, ladies

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when you're listening to that, But
you know you'd smile, and you'd probably

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even laugh, because the sillies a
gateway to that too. It might mean

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doing a bad attempt at an accent
for no real reason. Bad accents are

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silly. My producer Keiko, back
in the day, she'd always say,

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please stop doing your Boston accent.
It's terrible. But she'd always be on

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the brink of cracking up every time
I'd try it, because it was silly.

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And I think silly wins the day. So if you weren't born funny,

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there probably isn't a path to be
funny unless you go down a really

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dark path, because lots of funny
comes from those shadows. Also, comedians

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are absolutely miserable, and you don't
want that and you don't want them.

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So taking a stand up or a
improv class definitely worth it. Everybody should

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do it because it'll help your confidence
in communication hugely valuable. But it's not

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going to make you funny. You're
probably not suddenly going to be funny at

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forty years of age, forty five
years of age. We're at twenty five

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or thirty five or forty five or
seventy five. You can be silly because

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you are silly, because you were
born silly. We all were. I

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think the giggle is still there.
I think the impishness I think the smile

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and the imagination, and people are
always like, well, who's creative person?

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How do you be creative? We
all are if you can dream,

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and we all dream. You have
imagination. The things that your imagination comes

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up with while you're asleep, you
have those and that's where you have to

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work with and you can put it
to work. That's silly. So every

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time you say, ladies, you
want funny, I think you really want

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that feeling you had with your girlfriends, either recently or long ago. You

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know, Atlantis Morris Set went on
a tour I think last summer, and

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a lot of women I know were
like, oh my god, I can't

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wait to go that. It wasn't
about Atlantis. It was about reliving a

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time in the nineties when they just
could do anything. And it's the same

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way people of all ages sing their
asses off at a Taylor Swift concert,

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or they spend a ridiculous amount of
time worrying about what was happening with Ross

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and Rachel back in the day or
whatever the characters are on Big Bang Theory.

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Then I don't watch, but a
lot of people do, and you

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absolutely would want love to share some
of that feeling. Those feelings with a

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guy one guy. Not the Taylor
Swift and the friends stuff, but the

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feeling how ridiculous it all is to
care. If you care that much,

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it feels silly. That's a good
thing. That's what you really want to

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care about. Funny sometimes a window
to a dark place, but silly is

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a gateway to the vulnerable. And
if you find that in the guy,

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I think you'll find that in yourself. And then I think you'll find that

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in the relationship. And I think
if you find that, you're gonna laugh

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plenty too, and you'll probably love
plenty too, and you'll be just fine.

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So maybe you thought me babbling on
about this for a while was a

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bit silly. Too bad. That's
a good thing. So maybe I'll go

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get on one of those bikes and
right around Scottsdale and go whoa. The

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girls will be like, don't do
that anyway. Shoot me an email funny,

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sad, serious or silly Great Love
debate at gmail dot com. I

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want to hear your thoughts. I
want to hear your feedback. I've got

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a very different interesting episode coming up, I believe next week two weeks.

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Listen to all of them. It's
like picking a favorite child. But one's

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gonna be like, huh, that's
a weird guest. He had on to

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talk about something very out of the
box. Do that. Two shows I

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am definitely doing if you want to
go check out our live to our schedule.

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One is right here in Phoenix,
Arizona. I've not done a show

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here since two thousand and maybe sixteen. I've done one in Phoenix. I've

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done one at the Scottsdale Center for
the Performing Arts. Not a silly venue,

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it's very serious venue. I'm not
sure it's such a good show.

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So i want another crack at the
Valley. And I'm doing one at good

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Night's Comedy Club in Raleigh, North
Carolina. It's a makeup show that got

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lost in COVID. I do owe
them one. They did talk me into

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doing it. It'll be on sales
shortly. Great Love Debate dot Com Like,

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00:19:51.079 --> 00:19:56.039
Share, follow, Please review this
podcast. Your reviews once again mean

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00:19:56.039 --> 00:20:00.599
a lot in the podcasting ecosystem because, as always at The Great Love Debate,

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00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:10.359
we never stopped making love. See
you next time. The Greatest Love

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00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:17.039
Debate. It's the greatest Love Debate, the Greatest Love Debate. It's the

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00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:18.359
greatest love debate,