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You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor

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Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You

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know, there's no worse feeling than
being in a relationship and wondering, wondering

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if your partner's telling the truth to
you, Wondering if your partner's cheating on

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you, wondering if your partner's leading
a double life in some way. Look,

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I spent years having those feelings because
back when I had sort of an

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anxious, ambivalent attachment style, and
I was attracted to avoidant people that their

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avoidance of emotional intimacy made my mind
just run wild with tales of where they

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could be or what they could be
doing. Like my worst fears came alive

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in my head because they were so
avoidant to me. We also hear in

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the news all the time stories of
betrayal and deception that would curl your hair.

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You find out like a guy has
a whole nother family and they live

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like a mile away. Didn't I
see a billboard, Kaitlin? Last year?

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Wasn't there a billboard saying have you
or did you marry? This man

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and it's some reality show, a
docuseries about a guy who had like fifty

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wives around America. I don't not
remember that billboard. That sounds crazy.

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Have you married this man? Right? I mean there are websites and chat

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rooms that women go on trying to
get information. Look how I've put a

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gender to it. Okay, I
am not saying that all men, or

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even the vast majority of men,
are cheaters and deceivers. I am also

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not saying that all women are angels. However, the research shows that men

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are more likely to cheat. Men
are more likely to practice financial infidelity and

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even emotional infidelity in some way.
So, but doesn't mean everybody. You

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might have that great guy, or
you might be a guy who's with that

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deceiving woman. Remember Kayla on your
podcast when you had that guest that time

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the serial cheaters, the serial cheater
girl who was married with two cares are

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engaged with two young kids and just
cheat on them all the time. And

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I listened to it, and I, uh, what's your podcast called pettish?

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Pettyish? What's an episode called?
Is it called cereal Cheaters? Serial

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Cheaters? So? Uh, I
listened to it and the first thing I

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thought is this is retribution cheating.
She's mad at him, she's not happy

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with like what she thought she was
going to get in this relationship, so

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she thinks she's gonna quietly get back
at him. So anyway, there are

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women out there who are also practicing
lots of deception. So, whatever your

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gender, if you suspect that your
partner is deceiving you, here are ten

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signs. I know now I'm gonna
make you even more paranoid when I go

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through the ten signs. But here
they are. First of all, unexplained

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behavior chart changes your partner suddenly doing
something different, like suddenly coming home late

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at night. So the other day, I have a little paranoia inside me

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to say that I'm a healthy Okay, I have a healthy amount of paranoia.

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But the other night, right after
dinner, Julio is always a dishwasher.

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He loves to wash dishes, that's
his thing. And I happen to

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have done quite a goarmet dinner and
I use more pots than usual. So

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I said, honey, let me
get a head start on the dishes and

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kill some of these pots for you, because it's unfair that I use so

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many pots in you So I get
up and I'm washing pots and I feel

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him walk out the door, and
I'm like, that's weird. He's usually

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right behind me trying to do dishes. And so I'm there with my daughter,

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We're watching something, and like an
hour goes by, he's still not

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back. So of course I go
on relocation services and I see that he's

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over at the charging station charging his
electric car, which is fine, but

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usually he would drop it off,
maybe have me go and take him back

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and whatever. Why would he sit
there the whole time? Is he talking

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to his mistress on the phone?
Like what is happening? Anyway? When

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he comes home? They're no secrets
in my life. So I'm like,

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honey, what happened? Where have
you been? What's going on on?

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You? Going? Longing it?
It's a different behavior change, and he's

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like, oh, I was watching
the Michian Gig game, a Michigan game.

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I didn't think you wanted to watch
it, so I might as well

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thought I might as well sit there
and just watch it on my phone.

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I believe him, Okay, but
if you notice unexplained behavior changes, confront

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them at the beginning. Don't be
a snoop to say what's up? And

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Okay. The other thing is inconsistent
stories. Their stories are not matching up

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with what they told you before,
and you're aware, like this is a

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different story now, these details have
changed. They're not adding up. Might

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signal that they're deceiving you about something. Also, one of the ways that

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deceivers try to side rail you so
you stop questioning them is they get very

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defensive, right, so they turn
it on you, like why are you

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being such a detective or why are
you questioning me? Don't you trust me?

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Right? They get re all defensive. So people who aren't doing anything

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wrong, Like Julio laughed and said, no, I'm watching the Michigan get

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here it is at my phone.
You're so funny, Like, they don't

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get defensive because they're not doing anything
wrong. Uh. Sometimes you can tell

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they're deceiving you just by weird body
language, Like their body language just seems

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a little sketchy. They don't quite
meet your eyes, they turn their body

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away from you. Maybe they're fidgeting. At one time, So I was

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dating this guy, was a long
distance relationship, not good. We met

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actually at a resort with ocean whatever, and he was getting ready to break

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up with me, actually ghost me, because that's what dudes do. But

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I didn't know. So we're in
the ocean and I was walking towards him.

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We're waist high in the ocean to
put my arms around him because we've

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been dating and we're meeting at a
tropical location and the water's warm, and

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so I'm walking up to hug him, and I felt him step back,

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just to step back away from me. And I literally said, why are

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you moving away from me? And
he said, well, there's lots of

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people around whatever. He was an
actor, you know, people are looking

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and I'm like, why trying to
hide me? Like, what's it?

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Right there? You go, That's
what I didn't know. Also, if

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they are changing their communication patterns,
they're avoiding certain topics, they're being vague,

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they're distant. Oh, here's one
way that people lie. When you

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ask them a question. They repeat
the question because it gives them time to

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think of their lying answer. Or
they get silent and hesitate and then go,

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huh would you say? Like they
literally say nothing and then pretend they

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didn't hear the question to make you
repeat it while they're thinking up the lie.

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I think that's my automatic go to
if I'm being deceptive, I repeat

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the question, Yeah, are you
asking me if I was late for work?

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Yes, She's never late for work. I am sometimes late for work,

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but Kayla is never late for work. You know. I have a

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funny thing. I've my whole life
done live television, live radio, and

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I have a thing where I like
to push it till the very last second.

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Like I'm the kind of person who
runs to the bathroom with sixty seconds

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before live air adrenaline rush. Yeah, there's somebody when I'm doing my live

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zooms at Homeless and making appearance on
CNN or whatever, I literally will get

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up and then the control room.
I know the texts already set up because

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I hear the control room. They've
tested my level and they go, okay,

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we're coming to you right after this
commercial break. That is my cue

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to get up and make a full
on latte, like make the steam,

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the milk, everything. So I'm
like, I can do it in one

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commercial break. I get it's a
weird, but you always there when it's

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time to start. I never am
late when they say go, but it's

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fun for me. Creates a little
adrenaline, all right. And the last

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thing if you think your partner's deceiving
you, it's because they've gone radio silent.

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All right. They disappear, you
can't reach them. They have some

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excuse later, or they won't allow
you to have location services. Come on.

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If you're in a relationship, you
need to do that for safety.

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If you're meeting them somewhere, you
need to see how far away they are.

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You don't have to call them every
time. Location services are paramount.

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When we come back, I am
going to my social media at Doctor Wendy

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Walsh. You can send me a
private DM Instagram, YouTube, LinkedIn.

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We check LinkedIn, TikTok. We
don't check LinkedIn for that. Those are

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job offers or something. But anyways, just send me any relationship question.

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I will keep you anonymous and I'll
be happy to answer your questions. Next,

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you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh
Show on KFI AM six forty one

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live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to KFI AM six forty on

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demand. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty

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live everywhere on the iHeart Radio App. I say that over and over for

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a reason. You know. If
you missed any part of the show,

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all you do is download the iHeart
Radio app. You search doctor Wendy Walsh

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and boom I come up. Or
do you have to search KFI or just

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my name will work. Either on
it works, and then Kayla puts the

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entire show up each hour as an
hour podcast called Doctor Wendy on Demand,

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so you can always find if you
miss it. Right, So there you

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go. Right now, I'm going
to my social media to answer your relationship

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questions. Just a reminder, I'm
not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor.

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I am the veteran of eighteen years
on and off of therapy, and

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I'm just so obsessed with the science
of love. I've been reading about it

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for decades. I've written three books
on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment

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theory, and so I'm happy with
my wisdom and life experience to weigh in.

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So thank you for entrusting me with
your questions. So let's get to

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it. First question, Hey,
Doctor Wendy, the guy I'm dating has

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a new girlfriend. Wait, oh
wait, not the guy. I'm Dave,

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the guy I was dating. Gotcha, Hi, Doctor Wendy, the

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guy I was dating now has a
girlfriend who's absolutely stunning, But I can't

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believe he still won't leave me alone. Is it wrong that this makes me

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feel great? Well, first of
all, there are no such thing as

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a right or wrong feeling. Right
feelings are messengers, and the messenger is

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you're feeling a little insecure if this
is the thing that's helping you feel better,

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the fact that your ex is still
chasing you and yet he's got a

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beautiful First of all, do you
think beauty is the only thing that matters

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to a guy in a relationship.
Maybe at the very beginning that's initial attraction,

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but you know he has to put
up with her, and he had

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to put up with you anyway.
I just wouldn't trust a guy who's a

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cheater, as clearly he is.
If he's reaching out to you, his

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attention shouldn't matter, you know.
I also use this example when older women

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are cougars and they get so excited
when young men are attracted to them,

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and they feel so good about themselves, so beautiful because all these young men

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are hitting on them, And I'm
like, girl, young men will shoot

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at anything. Okay, you're an
opportunity. They are less selective. Women

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are far more selective inmates than men
are. So it's not right or wrong

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your feelings, But I'm just wondering
why you're dwelling on it. That's something

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you might want to ask yourself.
Okay, this is short and to the

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point, doctor Wendy. Married men, why are they on bumble and hinge?

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How do I weed them out?
Why? Of course, there's a

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simple answer to the why they want
to have an affair, And the best

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way to have an affair is to
lie about your relationship status. They're not

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gonna. I always crack up,
by the way, because sometimes you go

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on those dating apps and it'll show
guys going, I'm in a committed relationship

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and we are open. My wife
knows that I have extra relationships on the

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side, and I'm just like,
I don't think she does. Okay,

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trying to be on it this open
non monogamy nonsense. No, Okay,

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married men are out there to try
to cheat. Your job is to do

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your girlfriend to girlfriend guerrilla research.
Ask everybody you know if they've ever met

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this guy. Remember. The good
thing about the dating apps now is you

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can connect your Instagram. You can
see who they know and who you know,

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don't meet a total stranger that nobody
knows. You need to be part

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of the village. And next go
online. The internet will tell you if

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he's married or not. Right now, he's going to say he's separated in

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the middle of a divorce. And
then I want you to think long and

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hard about whether that is true and
whether that's worth dating. We had a

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woman call into our show last week
who dated a guy for three and a

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half years who was going through a
divorce. He was separated the whole time,

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and then as soon as his divorce
came final, what do you think

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he did? He got a girlfriend
and ghosted her and she works with him.

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She does to go to work with
him every day. That broke my

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heart. All right, it's your
job to weed them out, which means

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please slow down the onset of the
sexual relationship, take some time to do

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some research on somebody. But why
are they on the dating apps? Because

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they work, because they can get
affairs that way. Doctor Wendy, how

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do you feel about going to grab
a drink on a first date. I

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think it's okay if that drink is
coffee. Now here's my thing. I

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think the first thing you should do
is get off the apps very very quickly.

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Don't text a stranger for weeks or
months, because then you build up

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your fantasies about who you think they
are, and then you're really embarrassed when

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you meet them and they're nothing like
you imagine they were. So you want

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to get on the phone pretty quickly, have a nice little phone conversation,

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and then decide if you want to
meet in the real world. But I

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wouldn't call it a first date.
I'd say, Hey, you want to

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grab a quick coffee and then we'll
decide if we want a first date.

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Say just like that, I got
twenty minutes in between this and that.

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That's how you should do it,
Okay, Dear doctor Wendy, Hi,

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I am an o pair where you're
from. I really don't have any luck

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dating American men. They all think
I want them for a green card,

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Well do you? I don't know. I'm a human and I really feel

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ready to fall in love and have
a serious relationship, but nobody wants to

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take me seriously or they start dating
me, and after a month they all

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have the same excuse. I need
space, I don't feel a connection.

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I'm not ready to date yet.
Should I just give up. Oh,

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she said, I've listened to your
worthy of love special and I can relate

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to not feeling worthy a lot of
times. Okay, I want to say

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this. It's absolutely okay to be
ready for love and worthy for love,

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but for some reason, unconsciously,
you're picking people who will abandon you.

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That's what I used to do when
I was young, and it's only through

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working with a licensed therapist you can
see your patterns. You're missing some signals

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really early on that these guys aren't
ready for a relationship. But I will

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also say that most O pair contracts
are for one year. I don't know

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where you are in your year,
but people do have trouble dating people if

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they know they're going to leave right
They're afraid that you're going to be up

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at you know, six or nine
months, you'll be gone. And I've

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heard you know, I moved to
Italy with my kids when we were young.

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They were young, I was well
I was, and they I found

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it really hard to make friends because
they knew I was only going to be

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there for six months. So it
was a really kind of lonely time because

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of that. So I would say, raise your self esteem by having lots

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of other social support, making lots
of good friends, and if you can,

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if you've got the money, if
you can find a way through health

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insurance or go to a university clinic, get a therapist to find out why

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you pick people who will abandon you. Okay, time for one more quick

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question, doctor Wendy, what's your
relationship is supposed to look like when you're

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four months together. The last month
or so, things have been very rocky.

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We can barely go a couple of
days without getting into a disagreement or

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triggering the other. We're never really
full on arguing, but there's all kinds

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of these little debates like not eating
enough food or something little, and then

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the whole tone of the conversation changes
and then things get back to normal the

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next day. Is this normal,
okay? You know what this is?

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This is you guys learning conflict resolution
skills and you learning boundaries. Like it's

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okay to say, you know what, it's not okay for you to talk

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about how much I'm eating or not. This is me and my body,

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right. If you're not learning anything
and you're not moving forward, then yes,

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this is a problem. But I
do see a red flag when I

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hear every other day you're getting into
conflict. At the four month mark,

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you're still supposed to be drunk on
love now, So yeah, that's that's

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a worry for me. Anyway,
If you would like to send me any

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questions on my social media, the
handle everywhere is at dr Wendy Walsh at

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doctor Wendy Walsh. Producer Kayla checks
them every week, so thank you for

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letting me weigh in when we come
back. There is one thing that everybody

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needs to do in their relationship every
single day to have more harmony. I'll

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explain when we come back. You're
listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on

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KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI

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AM six forty on demand. Welcome
back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on

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KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You know, I

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mentioned at the beginning of the show
that there's one simple thing that you can

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do for your relationship every single day
to improve it, and it's this get

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a good night sleep. I'm serious. There's so much research to show that

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couples who are getting enough sleep,
actually have less conflict, they actually have

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more harmony, They're able to have
more patience with each other. We don't

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realize it. Even though we're supposed
to be getting about eight hours sleep a

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night, most people are sleep deprived, running around on six and a half

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hours and say that they feel okay. I see you nodding, Kayla.

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Six and a half. Is that
all you're getting? Six and a half?

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Seven? Yeah, that's not enough, okay, So we need to

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work harder so that our brain goes
into deep rem during the night. Spends

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about twenty five percent of our time
in deep rem and that's where we refuel

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and our brain gets strong enough to
be able to deal with the stressors of

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the day. I would like to
introduce a guest who thinks about this all

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day long and has actually developed a
remedy that can help us out. Jim

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Pool is a CEO behind an app
called New Calm, and he's on a

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mission to liberate all of us from
stress. His app is going to help

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all of us get a good night's
sleep because it's been developed by neuroscientists.

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Hi, Jim, how are you. I'm doing great, Thank you and

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thank you for having me and congratulations. I believe you're beginning your tenth year.

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It's been beginning my tenth year at
KFI. Is that crazy? Where

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did the time go? You know? I started when I was twelve.

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Here I was doing the children's hour
anyway, So let's talk about sleep.

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Is it true we need about eight
hours on a It's very true that we

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need about eight hours and what can
What do you think are the biggest problems?

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First of all in us not getting
enough sleep. It's not even thinking,

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it's physiology. We know this to
be a fact. Stress and sleep

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are incompatible. Now, we don't
know this because we have a very limited

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understanding of stress, and we don't
understand stress because the human brain seems to

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be wholly incapable of fully understanding intangibles. So if I can't see it,

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touch it, feel it, smell
it, taste it, is it real?

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Yet we know stress impacts us,
our patients, our ability, our

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decision making, our food choices.
So when we can't sleep, well,

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there's one choice it's not stress modulated, and that is obstructive sleep apnea,

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because physiologically we have an obstructive their
way. Other than that, it is

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stress causing the sleep challenge. Now. Interestingly enough, doctor Wendy, when

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we go through puberty, we're home
ely dysregular. We lose our circadian rhythm.

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After that, we glide through the
second stage of sleep and we guide

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through the theta aspect, the frequency
range where your body actually does it's healing

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and reparation during sleep. So how
our brains are wired evolutionary challenges our ability

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to get that nice sleep. But
it's all stress modulated. And what about

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technology? Though, don't the blue
light in our phones and reading late at

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night on our phones? Isn't that
bad for us? To everything is bad

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for us? COVID was COVID systemically
exacerbated a time in human existence that was

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really challenging. We were living in
the second Great Age of anxiety before COVID.

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The first Great age was post World
War One. So when we're in

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this state of uncertainty, our such
a nervous system, doesn't have the opportunity

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to relax, so it comes me
burning too many calories, which creates stress.

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But I look at the world from
this lens of this fishball, and

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I'm hard pressed not to see that
the human race appears to be in a

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race to erase the human race very
well said. And there's all these variables,

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so you could pinpoint the food supply. We haven't been eating balanced food

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and whole food for decades. We're
eating too many neurotransmitters that are excitatory,

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We're eating too many boodamates, we're
eating too many preservatives. So the food

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supply has changed our amino acid balance
in our body. And you can see

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that through the proliferation of stress and
these diseases in the gut. Fifty years

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ago you didn't see also cold a
zero bolls and drunk prones of these,

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but you do now because everybody's got
too much acid in their stomach. Well.

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Also, psychologists would call the gut
the second brain, and that's a

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place where stress goes for many many
people. Absolutely, So you have the

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food supply, the environmental toxins.
So we've got people. Yes, we

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got the problem down and with very
little time left, I definitely want to

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talk about the solution. Newcomm and
u CLM is an app that can help

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our brain using neuroscience. How does
that work? So we've been around for

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thirty four years. We've been doing
this for a long time. Complex challenges

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like sleep and stress require complex solutions, and there's nothing more complicated than the

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human brain. So since the dawn
of humankind, humans have either discovered or

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found ways to change their state.
We're not even aware of this, but

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we rely on external stimulation that change
our mental state. If we're mentally lethargic,

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we drink coffee, Red Bull Espresso
five our energy. If we're in

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psychic pain, we drink alcohol.
If we're depressed, we take antidepressants.

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If we're anxious, we take anti
anxiety. If we're having sleep issues,

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we take sleeping pills. What we
figured out was there two ways to present

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the brain with a signal. There's
visual or there's auditory. And in two

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thousand and nine, after nineteen years
of research, we launched a highly regulated

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classroom medical device called New Call.
And what we do is we have about

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one gigabyte of mathematics, physics,
and algorithms that are in a software underneath

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music, using your ears as a
carrier the human being. Here's beautiful music.

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Underneath we're using complex physics to present
the brain with a pattern. So

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for deep sleep at night using the
speaker, you simply select a deep sleep

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track on our app, and we
program your brain down to zero point five

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hurts. We put you to sleep. More importantly, during the day,

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we have a channel called rescue.
This is the only patented technology in world

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clinically proven to lower stress without drugs. We dial down your brain weigh function

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to theta theta is seven hurts to
four hertz frequency in the sleep architecture that

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you mentioned earlier, that deep rem
well. During the day, we simply

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shut down your brain and we oscillate
and hold you in that state where your

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body heals. And when you are
in that state, your cells are cleaning

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their toxins, your lightochondrey is restored. But more importantly, when you think

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about love and intimacy and relationships and
patients, we're putting oxygen rich red blood

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back into your prefrontal cortex and taking
it away from the amygdala and reptile part

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of our brain, which governs stress
and fear. So let's be clear,

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with very little time that we have
left, I'm so sorry, but the

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constraints of radio that this is drug
free. It's a natural way for your

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body to release its own neurotransmitters the
way it's supposed to. Is that correct?

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That is absolutely correct? This technology, and how do they find new

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deliver how do we find new www
dot Newcalm dot com. And you're no

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longer a six thousand dollars medical device. You used to be six thousand dollars

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six thousand dollars FDA classy medical device. So the only patents in the world,

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we only served the United States military
doctors, pilot's, professional athletes.

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And how much is it now?
Years ago? As low as fourteen dollars

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and ninety nine cents per month for
a good night's sleep. It sure sounds

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worth it. Jim Pool, thank
you so much for being with us newcom

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n U C A l M.
I'm definitely going to try it. Thank

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you so much. It's just a
pleasure to meet year sim sleep. You're

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00:25:27.440 --> 00:25:30.720
listening to the Doctor Wendy Well Show
on KFI AM six forty. We're live

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00:25:30.839 --> 00:25:37.400
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
listening to KFI AM six forty on demand.

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00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:41.519
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty.

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Producer Kayla, how do we get
at the home stretch so quickly? I

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literally blinked and the show's over.
I know I want to go home and

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get a good night's sleep, though
I will say maybe my problem is late

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at night I'm drinking coffee. That's
a problem, and not listening to newcom

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I got you anyway, Before we
go, I want to give you a

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couple things. One is I promised
you that there are some dating trends for

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twenty twenty four, So if you're
single, I want to talk about those.

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If you're in a relationship, I
want to share with you some of

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my favorite relationship skills that I've learned
along the way, put into action in

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my own relationship and they definitely work. So first, for single people,

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what's going on in the dating scene? Well, I am pleased to tell

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you that the biggest trend for twenty
twenty four is something that has been happening

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since the beginning of time, but
should be happening more often. Emotional dating

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instead of hooking up, instead of
situationships, instead of friends with benefits.

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Suddenly people are leading with emotional intimacy, friendship, vulnerability, authenticity. That

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means there's research that shows that one
of the number one positive traits that people

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can put in their dating profile is
that they are in therapy. People are

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looking for mates who are doing the
work all right. The next trend is

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00:27:00.519 --> 00:27:07.319
called open hearted masculinity. Gone are
the days and the appeal of the alpha

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00:27:07.559 --> 00:27:15.160
male. Now there's a significant number
of men who are choosing finally to defy

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some of the alpha male stereotypes.
Now I want to put this on women.

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Women, you need to choose these
kind of men. If you want

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kind men who are caring and loving, you've got to choose them as mates.

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00:27:25.559 --> 00:27:30.599
And you've got to reject the traditional
quote unquote alpha male who thinks it's

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00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:37.839
cool to be emotionally avoidant and whatever. So men are reporting that the more

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00:27:38.039 --> 00:27:42.440
open they can be, the more
they can be vulnerable and express their feelings,

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00:27:42.799 --> 00:27:47.839
the better their own mental health.
In fact, a recent study published

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00:27:47.839 --> 00:27:55.240
in the Journal of Sociology found that
men actively distance themselves from conventional and inflexible

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00:27:56.039 --> 00:27:59.920
versions of masculinity. And we're seeing
more and more men showing a readiness to

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00:28:00.119 --> 00:28:04.119
adopt softer side, softer expressions.
That doesn't mean feminine, it means being

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00:28:04.200 --> 00:28:08.640
human, is what it means,
all right. And the third trend in

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the single world is living apart together. People in full on monogamous relationships,

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maybe engaged, may be married,
but living apart either because their careers are

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00:28:21.279 --> 00:28:23.559
taking them to different places, or
because they want the autonomy of each having

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00:28:23.559 --> 00:28:29.119
their own places, but they are
still very much socializing as a couple.

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I'm not a big fan of this, just saying if you want to have

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a healthy relationship, you've got to
get through the bumps of domestic life.

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In my opinion, Okay, we
have time for some of my favorite relationship

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00:28:40.119 --> 00:28:45.759
skills that I have adopted in my
life and in my relationship with Julio.

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First of all, when I learned
how to make a communication sandwich, it

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00:28:48.880 --> 00:28:52.079
changed everything. I've talked about it
before, I'll say it again if you've

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00:28:52.079 --> 00:28:56.880
never tried it, it's delicious.
It starts out with let's say you want

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00:28:56.880 --> 00:28:59.799
to criticize your partner, or you
want to let them know there's something you're

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00:28:59.839 --> 00:29:03.000
hoping that they could maybe change in
the relationship. It starts out with a

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00:29:03.079 --> 00:29:08.240
layer of love. Then you slather
on a layer of something that's a little

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00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:11.559
hard at you on and then you
back it up with another layer of love.

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00:29:12.440 --> 00:29:17.079
So what this does it gets their
brain out of defense mode. So

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00:29:17.160 --> 00:29:19.279
it starts with a compliment, so
they get open, and then you add

407
00:29:19.279 --> 00:29:23.079
something a little like but I wish
you could fix this little thing, and

408
00:29:23.079 --> 00:29:26.400
then you quickly back it up because
I love you and I want to stay

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00:29:26.440 --> 00:29:29.599
together forever and you're just the best
thing I ever met. Right with another

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00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:33.920
compliment, and that's how they hear. But if all they hear is criticism,

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00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:37.400
they just get closed and defensive and
they're thinking of their comeback. So

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00:29:37.559 --> 00:29:42.119
learn to make communication sandwiches when you
have something negative to say in your relationship.

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All right, the second thing,
I've mentioned this over and over,

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00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:51.119
I'll mention it again, adding novelty. Find new and different things to do

415
00:29:51.160 --> 00:29:53.440
with your partner, and guess what
they will look new and different and exciting

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00:29:53.440 --> 00:29:56.519
to you. It can be small
things, and I'm not talking just sexual

417
00:29:56.519 --> 00:30:00.920
novelty. That could be one thing, but I mean just go different places

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00:30:00.920 --> 00:30:07.559
for restaurants or museums or sporting stuff. Just do different stuff. That's good.

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00:30:07.400 --> 00:30:14.079
Also, there is research to show
that instead of frequency of sex,

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00:30:15.119 --> 00:30:22.680
frequency of kissing is more indictive indicative
of a healthy relationship. So hold hands

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00:30:22.759 --> 00:30:29.599
more, kiss more, touch more. When you touch each other, both

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00:30:29.640 --> 00:30:36.799
your bodies release dopamine, the feel
good good hormone that reduces stress and anxiety.

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00:30:36.920 --> 00:30:41.079
So one of the reasons why some
couples don't engage in a lot of

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00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:45.079
kissing is because they think it's telling
their partner that they want to have sex.

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00:30:45.119 --> 00:30:48.359
So they're either like pressuring their partner
to have sex they don't want to,

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00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:52.319
or if they kiss their partner,
they're saying I want to have sex

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00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:55.839
when actually I don't want to.
I think the two of you need to

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00:30:55.839 --> 00:31:03.119
discuss that kissing can and should be
often and alone experience that doesn't necessarily go

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00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:07.359
anywhere except to the closeness that the
two of you want to share together.

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00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:11.279
And having said that about sex,
yes, it's okay to schedule sex,

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00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:15.799
talk about it, put it on
the schedule. It can take women three

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00:31:15.920 --> 00:31:18.279
days to get ready for sex.
Honestly, there's some stuff we got to

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00:31:18.359 --> 00:31:22.920
do, personal hygiene thoughts, things
that we have to do get our head

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00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:27.759
ready for it. So put it
on the schedule and finally have some kind

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00:31:27.799 --> 00:31:33.960
of daily check in that is not
about the day to day scheduling of your

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00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:36.160
life. Did you pick up the
kids, did you get the dry cleaning?

437
00:31:36.200 --> 00:31:37.839
Are you going to do the dishes? Are we going to drive there?

438
00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:38.920
What day are we going to this? Do we have that dinner next?

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00:31:38.920 --> 00:31:42.759
Week. No, literally look into
the eyes of your partner once a

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00:31:42.839 --> 00:31:48.079
day and say are we good?
Everything okay? Do you need me to

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00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:51.920
change anything? How are you doing? How are you doing? Baby right?

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00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:56.359
Do that every single day. A
check in that doesn't have anything to

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00:31:56.400 --> 00:32:00.480
do with a schedule. So these
are my favorite relationship ship skills. Communication

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00:32:00.599 --> 00:32:06.160
sandwich, add some novelty, kiss
a lot, and do a daily emotional

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00:32:06.400 --> 00:32:13.240
check in. Honestly, relationships are
far more about skill than luck, and

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00:32:13.480 --> 00:32:17.079
anybody can learn relationship skills. Another
thing, kayl I'm doing before we go,

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00:32:17.119 --> 00:32:21.160
I want to tell people I mentioned
on my Patreon they can come into

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00:32:21.160 --> 00:32:24.279
my zoom rooms on Wednesday. But
we have also put my podcast Mating Matters

449
00:32:24.359 --> 00:32:30.079
up there as well. I have
a series of very short books there.

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00:32:30.119 --> 00:32:36.880
It's a seven volume series on smart
love hacks, and the first one went

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00:32:36.920 --> 00:32:39.799
up on Patreon this week. Volume
number one is Smart Sex Hacks, so

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00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:44.920
you can find that on my Patreon. That's patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy

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00:32:44.920 --> 00:32:49.640
Walsh. But I am always here
for you every Sunday from seven to nine

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00:32:49.680 --> 00:32:53.279
pm on KFI AM six forty.
Thanks for being with me. We'll see

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00:32:53.319 --> 00:32:57.880
you next week. KFI AM six
forty on demand