WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:06.200 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KF I AM six forty. 2 00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:09.439 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wells Show 3 00:00:09.480 --> 00:00:13.839 and this is my drive by Makeshift relationship Advice. If you like to call 4 00:00:13.960 --> 00:00:18.199 in, the number is one eight hundred five to zero one KFI. That's 5 00:00:18.359 --> 00:00:22.120 one eight hundred five to zero, one five three four. Okay, Producer 6 00:00:22.199 --> 00:00:25.120 Kayla, who do we have? We have y L with the question yea 7 00:00:25.280 --> 00:00:34.000 L hi ya L. Hey, Wendy cl we're friends like we're friends because 8 00:00:34.039 --> 00:00:38.000 I hired you from my food alogy walk years ago. I remember you have 9 00:00:38.119 --> 00:00:45.359 children with severe food allergies. Yes, and I'm terrifying. I just signed 10 00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:54.159 my divorce papers. So I need you to tell our people, our audience, 11 00:00:54.280 --> 00:01:00.520 your audience, what is the type of therapy? Because I failed my 12 00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:08.280 ex husband and I went to marriage non marriage therapy, and I thought it 13 00:01:08.319 --> 00:01:12.719 was going to be something similar to what I had experienced before. A bit 14 00:01:12.760 --> 00:01:18.120 after twenty seven year marriage, I want you to tell me what is the 15 00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:25.879 type of therapy that you go through when you're meeting to have the type of 16 00:01:25.959 --> 00:01:30.799 therapy where you go together and you go apart, but you go together and 17 00:01:30.840 --> 00:01:38.200 you get the tools, so you go apart, right, So let me 18 00:01:38.280 --> 00:01:42.519 explain the types of therapy. Her question for those who are watching on Instagram 19 00:01:42.680 --> 00:01:46.599 is just going through a divorce. She's wondering what is the kind of therapy 20 00:01:46.599 --> 00:01:51.439 where people go as a couple but then separately. So here's the thing about 21 00:01:51.560 --> 00:01:57.799 couple's therapists. Their patient is the relationship. Their patient is not either of 22 00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:06.120 the individuals. So a couple's therapist probably shouldn't be seeing any partner. And 23 00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:08.560 they're also taught not to hold secrets, right because one'll call and go, 24 00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:12.319 you know, I just don't bring it up, but I am. I 25 00:02:12.360 --> 00:02:14.960 do have a mistress on the side, and I got to figure out what 26 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:19.400 I should do. You need to go. So I think two people individuals 27 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:23.280 need to have their own separate therapists so they can grow. There was a 28 00:02:23.319 --> 00:02:25.360 word that you said, Yaelle, that bothered me, and it was the 29 00:02:25.400 --> 00:02:31.159 word failed. I hate that word because you know, relationships, when till 30 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:37.639 death do us part was invented, death was pretty imminent, and I would 31 00:02:37.719 --> 00:02:43.680 say that any marriage that lasted twenty seven years was a huge success. You 32 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:49.159 learn something about yourself, You outgrew it for different reasons. But there was 33 00:02:49.240 --> 00:02:53.439 a time when there was love and there was a time where this relationship was 34 00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:59.800 very much needed in both of your lives. So we have this idea that 35 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:04.479 if relationships don't last until the very last breath of our life, that somehow 36 00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:08.719 they've failed. And I would say that you've you're coming out of a successful 37 00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:17.840 relationship. You're in the uncomfortable awakening of new needs and new understanding for yourself. 38 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:23.560 You mentioned that you're an alanon, so you know you're learning how you 39 00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:28.879 might have participated in some patterns that may have been I don't know, but 40 00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:32.719 may have been unhealthy for you. And this is just an awakening, This 41 00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:38.360 is just a truth telling that's happening, and then you get to go and 42 00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:44.080 take care of yourself and find a healthy relationship. But as far as couple's 43 00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:49.599 therapy go, I think that couples I think all kinds of whether it's cognitive 44 00:03:49.639 --> 00:03:55.960 behavioral, whether it's psychoanalytic that, or whether it's just a spiritual counsel. 45 00:03:57.120 --> 00:03:59.919 I mean, just going in there and being vulnerable and honest about your feelings. 46 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:04.400 The third party there calming you down is good. However, individuals if 47 00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:09.719 they want to grow, might want to consider also having their own therapist. 48 00:04:09.800 --> 00:04:12.719 I hope that answered your question. I hope I did. But thank you 49 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.039 for all the kind things you said. Yeah, very nice of you. 50 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:17.839 Oh okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have next to half? Perceeds 51 00:04:17.879 --> 00:04:24.160 with the question percease? Hi? Perceeds? Hi, Doctor Randy, what's 52 00:04:24.199 --> 00:04:29.399 your question? Have a coouestion? I first of all, thank you so 53 00:04:29.600 --> 00:04:32.360 much for all this information you give it to us. I found out what 54 00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:39.040 is my attachment and right now, twelve weeks I'm doing therapy for that. 55 00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:45.839 Oh good. I dating. I'm dating a guy. He's very mentally Machel. 56 00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:51.759 He's a very nice man with back, full key carrying. But five 57 00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:58.800 weeks dating we went out just two times. But we're going out for some 58 00:04:59.040 --> 00:05:01.560 stuff, like he bought a new house. He told me to get all 59 00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:08.839 furniture, picky, every the color for the house. Everything we're doing like 60 00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:14.600 a going gem, going to watch the sun seat. But I think he's 61 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:18.079 stingchy. He doesn't want to spend money, and I think that's what it 62 00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:23.720 is. You think he's stingy. How much did he spend on furniture for 63 00:05:23.800 --> 00:05:26.360 his house? Did he spend much or was he saying that's too expensive? 64 00:05:26.399 --> 00:05:30.639 If you pointed to something, it was like middle not too cheap, not 65 00:05:30.759 --> 00:05:35.639 too expensive like I did for my furniture, way more than he right, 66 00:05:36.439 --> 00:05:40.439 Well, you know we all have a different psychology. Well, first of 67 00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:42.720 all, what's your question? Could you sum it down to one question? 68 00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:46.160 I want to see it? Should I continue? Like the way I read, 69 00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:49.759 I'm a Persian girl, so always I date a Persian man. This 70 00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:55.560 is the first time I'm dating someone is not from my country Persian man. 71 00:05:55.920 --> 00:06:00.199 They're spending money. They take you out, you never pay for it any 72 00:06:00.279 --> 00:06:03.399 day. You know all the ways they take it off everything. But this 73 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:12.319 is the first time I'm dating someone like a never going out like well, 74 00:06:12.360 --> 00:06:16.879 that's the that's the you know less about the psychology of money. My red 75 00:06:16.920 --> 00:06:20.360 flag goes where you've been seeing each other five weeks and you've only gone out 76 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:24.000 two times. So how have you been seeing each other for five weeks? 77 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:27.720 You're talking on the phone regularly? Are you texting regularly? We're talking on 78 00:06:28.120 --> 00:06:30.720 We're talking on the phone, like Saturday morning, we're going just for a 79 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:32.959 walk. He asked me, do you want to go for a walk? 80 00:06:33.800 --> 00:06:39.399 Do you want to go for four. It feels like he's not courting you. 81 00:06:39.560 --> 00:06:44.600 He's not trying to impress you, right, I don't think because he 82 00:06:44.759 --> 00:06:48.199 cooked for me three times with where he stept up very nice. Oh so 83 00:06:48.279 --> 00:06:53.079 he cooked for you three times, but you've only took you out to dinner 84 00:06:53.120 --> 00:06:56.720 twice. Okay, so you've seen each other more, gotcha? Yeah, 85 00:06:56.800 --> 00:07:01.079 we think they've rather luck three times four times? So my question is are 86 00:07:01.079 --> 00:07:04.800 you attracted to him? Is he sexy to you? Yes, he's a 87 00:07:04.920 --> 00:07:11.399 very nice man. He's a very nice man. And then I but I 88 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:16.480 don't know. He's bothering me, kind of bothering me? Why he not 89 00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:20.240 taking me out? Well, how I would like Let me reframe it for 90 00:07:20.319 --> 00:07:28.199 you rather than you wondering and why why is he not spending money on you? 91 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:30.600 Why is he not courting you in a big way? He just wants 92 00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:33.160 to go for walks and cook for you, et cetera. Instead, ask 93 00:07:33.240 --> 00:07:40.879 yourself, what boundary do I have and what do I accept? In other 94 00:07:40.920 --> 00:07:44.759 words, you may say to yourself, you know what, I don't care. 95 00:07:44.839 --> 00:07:47.279 This guy is so good looking, and he seems so nice in mature 96 00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:54.879 and he's so interested in me. I will put up with a different financial 97 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:58.959 because we're really talking about gender roles here, right, there's a downside to 98 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:03.399 being with a guy culturally who has very traditional gender roles in his head, 99 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:07.199 because you may not want those gender roles. So you might want to say 100 00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:09.560 to yourself, well, you know, I'm going to put that aside because 101 00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:13.040 there are all these other things that are so great, or you may say 102 00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:16.519 to yourself, you know, it's a deal breaker for me. This is 103 00:08:16.600 --> 00:08:20.040 not the way I was raised and this is something in my culture that is 104 00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:24.360 important to me. And so then I would say, don't lead him on. 105 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:26.319 If your question is to try to understand, like why is he doing 106 00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:30.120 this and how can I change him, that's the wrong way to deal with 107 00:08:30.160 --> 00:08:33.440 it. Just figure out who you are and what you want. That's far 108 00:08:33.480 --> 00:08:39.120 more important than understanding why he's doing it. You understand. Does that make 109 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:43.120 sense anyway? Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it. All 110 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:46.879 right. Let me go to social media real quick because there are a bunch 111 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:50.559 of very interesting questions that are coming in and someone on my Instagram just now 112 00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:56.639 posted the same question, which is would well the question on that was sent 113 00:08:56.679 --> 00:09:00.600 in as DM earlier was would you date someone who's the miss of divorce. 114 00:09:01.080 --> 00:09:05.320 Someone else said that they met an old flame, and that old flame is 115 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:07.440 in the middle of divorce. It is seeing them a lot, but they 116 00:09:07.440 --> 00:09:09.200 feel a little uncomfortable, and I'm like, yeah, you should because you're 117 00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:13.799 the rebound person. So here's the thing. It gets messy because when people 118 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:18.919 are going through a divorce, here's what they need. They need a new 119 00:09:18.960 --> 00:09:22.279 attachment figure to help them get it through. They need a shoulder to lean 120 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:26.080 on, they need somebody to talk to about it. They need a best 121 00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:28.720 friend and a lover or whatever to get their mojo back. But this may 122 00:09:28.759 --> 00:09:33.559 not be the same person who's hunting for a long term relationship later. In 123 00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:35.960 other words, when they're in the middle of a divorce, they're just treading 124 00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:39.840 water wanting to grab onto any kind of life ring, and you might just 125 00:09:39.879 --> 00:09:46.360 be the life ring at that moment. So I would say, if I 126 00:09:46.399 --> 00:09:48.919 met somebody who was in the middle of divorce, is you know I wouldn't 127 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:54.639 like to be known as the other woman in any way. So I would 128 00:09:54.639 --> 00:09:56.960 say to them, look, we can be friends, but we're gonna have 129 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:01.360 to have boundaries until your divorce is c because the other thing is There are 130 00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:05.759 also these people in the middle of divorces that never really finish it because they're 131 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:09.639 getting everything they need from you. There's that, right, They're kind of 132 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:11.440 like, well, you know, if I actually complete that divorce, then 133 00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:15.679 I'm gonna lose half my fortune. So this person is gonna sleep with me 134 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:20.039 anyway, so why not? Right, So I would say that, go 135 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:24.840 cautiously. If someone's in the middle of divorce, set up very clear boundaries. 136 00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:28.320 I would not have sex with them. You're gonna end up in somebody's 137 00:10:28.320 --> 00:10:33.200 divorce papers. They're gonna call in adultery. Honestly, don't have sex with 138 00:10:33.279 --> 00:10:35.440 somebody who's in the middle of divorce. Just you know, if you want 139 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:39.039 to be their social support, if you want to be there arm pieced events 140 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:45.080 they're social person and their emotional support, fine, do that, but have 141 00:10:45.120 --> 00:10:48.519 boundaries and be careful, be very careful, because what they want in the 142 00:10:48.559 --> 00:10:54.159 short term might not be what they're looking for in the long term. That's 143 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:56.120 what I'm gonna say, All right, do we have time for one more? 144 00:10:56.480 --> 00:10:58.960 Is there time? No? We have to go to break? All 145 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:01.039 right? When we can back? Ill caninue to take your calls and go 146 00:11:01.039 --> 00:11:05.200 to social media the number is one eight hundred five to zero one KFI. 147 00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:09.919 That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You are listening 148 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:13.039 to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 149 00:11:13.279 --> 00:11:20.919 on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI 150 00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:24.440 AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 151 00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:30.080 Doctor Wendy Wall Show. My drive by makeshift relationship advice continues. There are 152 00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:33.519 so many dms on my social I know you guys are shy, so you 153 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:37.879 just type it in, so let me get to them right now. Dear 154 00:11:37.960 --> 00:11:41.320 doctor Wendy, I'm looking for advice here. I'm currently dating a guy long 155 00:11:41.360 --> 00:11:46.639 distance and I really like him and how he treats me, though we haven't 156 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:50.440 met in person yet. I'm gonna pause right there just to say that you're 157 00:11:50.440 --> 00:11:56.080 not in a relationship. If you've never met somebody, it is a fantasy 158 00:11:56.240 --> 00:11:58.480 in your head. I know you're like, yeah, but they text every 159 00:11:58.519 --> 00:12:01.559 day, and you know what, you're in love with each other's projections. 160 00:12:01.639 --> 00:12:05.440 That's what a psychologist would say if you go to a therapist that you're in 161 00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:11.440 love with your own projections. You've projected on them who you think they are. 162 00:12:11.519 --> 00:12:16.840 It's like reading a horoscope. You know, you can hand anybody any 163 00:12:16.840 --> 00:12:18.360 horoscope and they go, yeah, yeah, that's me right. So, 164 00:12:18.639 --> 00:12:24.279 however they behave you have a kind of confirmation bias in your brain when you're 165 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:28.480 dating somebody long distance, texting, relationship, whatever, and so you're bias 166 00:12:28.600 --> 00:12:35.399 only looking for things that support your idea of your fantasy of him. And 167 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:39.159 then this person goes on to say, I feel comfortable with him to the 168 00:12:39.159 --> 00:12:45.200 point I'm considering dropping my friend with benefits, Like I'm starting to get annoyed 169 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:48.720 whenever I talk to my friend with benefits. I would like to know your 170 00:12:48.759 --> 00:12:52.120 take on this and any advice you may have. Well, a friend with 171 00:12:52.240 --> 00:12:58.519 benefits is also not a secure, safe, trusting relationship. The fact that 172 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:03.240 it's a friend with benefits means that they're probably friends with other people with benefits, 173 00:13:03.559 --> 00:13:07.000 and so you don't have a sense of security or commitment. If that's 174 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:13.559 what you're looking for. Depends what you're looking for, right. I think 175 00:13:13.080 --> 00:13:20.720 that your long distance person who you've never met is giving you the emotional stuff 176 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:26.279 that you're not getting from your hookup friend, your friend with benefits, and 177 00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:33.399 so you've compartmentalized two sides of a relationship. My advice get rid of the 178 00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:37.759 friends with benefits. I'm just talking as a girlfriend here, get friend, 179 00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:39.799 get rid of the friends with benefits, and find a guy in your own 180 00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:43.600 town where you can have a full relationship with. I think you can do 181 00:13:43.639 --> 00:13:46.759 it. Also, if this long distance guy's not like getting on a train, 182 00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:50.320 plane, automobile and rushing to see you, you should dump them. 183 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:54.120 So remember a few weeks ago I had the author on from that book The 184 00:13:54.200 --> 00:13:58.440 Rules, and she was saying, like, they have to make an effort 185 00:13:58.639 --> 00:14:01.919 right and try hard. Otherwise, No, they're not interested. They want 186 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:05.679 to feel like they're getting a prize. Those guys, all right, Dear 187 00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:11.039 doctor Wendy says this DM. What does it actually mean when a guy says 188 00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:16.399 I'm not in a position to be romantic or date. It could mean a 189 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:22.279 million things, but it means run from him as fast as you can and 190 00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:28.159 don't get any ideas. I'm not in a position to be romantic or date. 191 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:31.559 Could mean they're married, could mean they have a girlfriend on the side, 192 00:14:31.720 --> 00:14:35.320 could mean they have an emotional avoidance problem. Could mean they just don't 193 00:14:35.399 --> 00:14:39.600 like you. Whatever, it doesn't matter what it means. What it means 194 00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:43.679 is, you know, when someone tells you something about themselves, believe them. 195 00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:48.159 Funny that, huh, just believe them. It means you should not 196 00:14:48.440 --> 00:14:54.440 hold any fantasies that he's going to change. Just move along. There's lots 197 00:14:54.480 --> 00:15:01.919 of old fish in the sea. Okay. Someone asked me on a DM 198 00:15:03.080 --> 00:15:05.759 on Instagram on this not a DM, what do you call it? A 199 00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:09.519 comment on the when we were live last segment, if I would describe what 200 00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:15.960 reciprocation looks like in the early stage of courting. Now, I want to 201 00:15:15.960 --> 00:15:20.759 be very clear there are sex brain differences. While gender is a scale and 202 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:24.519 it is fluid, we do know that their biological sex brain differences and sperm 203 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:30.600 chases egg, not the reverse. So reciprocation should look like a guy trying 204 00:15:30.639 --> 00:15:33.879 a little harder at the beginning, and if he's not move on, I 205 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:37.879 mean, he's got to really feel like he's getting a huge prize and he 206 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:41.399 has to work for it. So reciprocation, though, should be at least 207 00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:46.600 responding to someone's text. If they take hours to respond, that's not good 208 00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:54.600 reciprocation. If you're responding quickly. If you know, you suggest that they 209 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:56.600 go, you go out and do this activity. Then the next time it's 210 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:00.360 their turn to you look for like mirroring. Are they doing what you're doing? 211 00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:03.399 If they're not, and you're doing all the work, whether it's the 212 00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:07.759 emotional work, the communication work, the financial paying for work. If you're 213 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:14.440 doing everything and you're getting nothing back, that is not reciprocation. That is 214 00:16:14.480 --> 00:16:19.360 when you should move along. Move along. Oh, this is a cute 215 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:22.799 one, okay, doctor Wendy. So I adopted a pop for the first 216 00:16:22.840 --> 00:16:26.080 time ever. I don't know if she talks like this, I don't know 217 00:16:26.120 --> 00:16:29.759 what I'm doing. So I signed up for private dog training classes. I 218 00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:33.840 have had five so far, but the last two my homework has been terrible 219 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:37.159 because I have the biggest crush on my dog trainer. Oh, how cute 220 00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:41.480 is that? I feel like a giddy teenager. I know I'm overdoing it, 221 00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:48.440 but in the last class he called me by my first name. Before 222 00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:52.759 that, we just went by the dog's name. What you go to dog 223 00:16:52.799 --> 00:16:59.480 training class and you get called Fido? I'm so confused. And today, 224 00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:03.319 like we had a moment when I was handing him my dog's leash, and 225 00:17:03.359 --> 00:17:07.759 our hands kind of touched. I love it this. I feel so silly. 226 00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:11.000 But he's so cute and seems like so much fun with his classes, 227 00:17:11.039 --> 00:17:15.720 and I imagine probably in his personal life. He doesn't wear a wedding ring. 228 00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:18.559 What should I do? You know what to do? You need to 229 00:17:18.599 --> 00:17:25.440 flirt? Okay, first of all, there's nothing illegal about having a crush 230 00:17:25.519 --> 00:17:29.759 on your dog training instructor. People meet in all kinds of situations. It's 231 00:17:29.799 --> 00:17:33.119 not like you're in a workplace and he's your boss, right, So what 232 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:36.079 you need to do is what girls do so well, you need to batch 233 00:17:36.119 --> 00:17:40.480 your eyelids and flip your hair over your shoulder and laugh at his jokes harder 234 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:42.519 than you normally would. But you don't say, hey, so are you 235 00:17:42.559 --> 00:17:47.240 single? Would you like to go out sometime? Lady? No? Cool 236 00:17:47.279 --> 00:17:51.680 it sperm chase's egg, not the reverse. Remember, So you need to 237 00:17:51.720 --> 00:17:55.240 just turn on your feminine wiles and learn to flirt just a little bit. 238 00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:59.000 And if he's not reciprocating, like if he starts to go like he's not 239 00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:00.759 gonna say it out loud, but if you kind of like, ooh, 240 00:18:00.839 --> 00:18:03.640 that's a little weird and starts giving you less attention after you've been doing the 241 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:07.960 flirting. Then you know, see, you got your message. It's all 242 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.440 done. You don't even have to embarrass yourself by having the conversation. Are 243 00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:14.920 you single? Whatever, it's just all done, all right? Do we 244 00:18:14.920 --> 00:18:18.200 have time for one more? I think no? Oh dear, there's some 245 00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.039 good ones too, all right, we'll get to them next week. Hey, 246 00:18:21.119 --> 00:18:26.759 when we come back. Signs that you're having a bad relationship with yourself, 247 00:18:27.319 --> 00:18:30.720 I'll explain. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM 248 00:18:30.759 --> 00:18:36.640 six forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM 249 00:18:36.680 --> 00:18:41.559 six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with 250 00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:45.000 you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. You know, I've always 251 00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:51.400 said the most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself. 252 00:18:52.519 --> 00:18:56.599 And there are certain relationship patterns that you can have with yourself that are 253 00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:03.880 negative and others that are positive. If I actually think that there are some 254 00:19:04.039 --> 00:19:11.400 signs that you're having a toxic relationship with yourself, and I want to explain 255 00:19:11.400 --> 00:19:14.079 it because you're like, what do you mean? You love yourself. Well, 256 00:19:14.119 --> 00:19:22.720 I want to remind you that forgiving yourself is loving yourself. Keeping yourself 257 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:29.079 safe is loving yourself. Caring for the temple of which you reside inside your 258 00:19:29.079 --> 00:19:33.200 body is loving yourself. And you know you've probably heard the saying, and 259 00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:37.720 I've said a lot, you have to love yourself first before you can love 260 00:19:37.720 --> 00:19:41.359 somebody else. One of the reasons is because if you're completely insecure and you 261 00:19:41.400 --> 00:19:45.319 don't believe that you're lovable, then when that other person loves you and compliments 262 00:19:45.359 --> 00:19:48.279 you, you're not going to believe them. You're going to be very mistrusting 263 00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:52.559 because there's a critical voice inside your head that saysn't nah, I'm not that 264 00:19:52.599 --> 00:19:59.680 great, right, And so self love is not about boasting or creating some 265 00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:07.000 kind kind of fake personality outside. Self love is being able to put your 266 00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:11.519 own oxygen mask on first, but give to others because you know you can, 267 00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:18.440 because you have the confidence in the backbone. So there are some things 268 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:23.519 that people do that I think are signs that they're actually having a toxic relationship 269 00:20:23.839 --> 00:20:30.160 with themselves. Here's one. You don't hold your own self accountable, so 270 00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:34.720 when bad things happen, you blame people, places, and everything. Else, 271 00:20:34.799 --> 00:20:40.599 you blame others for your misfortune. You never take responsibility for your life 272 00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:42.359 to say, well, wait a second, I put myself in that situation. 273 00:20:44.079 --> 00:20:45.000 You know. I have to say. If you've been following me a 274 00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:48.799 long time, you know that when I was a young woman, I spent 275 00:20:48.599 --> 00:20:53.240 years, decades in relationships with people who could not love me back, and 276 00:20:53.319 --> 00:20:59.039 I stuck to them like glue. People who hurt me, abandoned me, 277 00:21:00.599 --> 00:21:07.039 practice financial abuse with me, practice physical abuse with me, and I didn't 278 00:21:07.079 --> 00:21:11.039 take responsibility for it. I lived in a place of blaming them for everything. 279 00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:15.519 But you know what, I chose them. I chose them, and 280 00:21:15.559 --> 00:21:19.799 I chose to stay. And when I got to that place working with my 281 00:21:19.920 --> 00:21:25.400 therapist, and I went, oh it takes two to tango, I put 282 00:21:25.440 --> 00:21:29.720 myself there. I'm going to be responsible for my happiness. I'm going to 283 00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:36.759 choose someone who treats me well. That's called being accountable to yourself. Now, 284 00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:41.799 this was something I did when I was in those bad relationships. One 285 00:21:41.960 --> 00:21:45.480 way to have a toxic relationship with yourself is not honoring your own boundaries. 286 00:21:47.599 --> 00:21:51.599 You know, I have a friend she's actually been in AA and been clean 287 00:21:51.640 --> 00:21:53.559 and sober for go oh gosh, like twenty five years now, and I'm 288 00:21:53.640 --> 00:21:59.200 very proud of her. And she told me a story once of the day 289 00:21:59.400 --> 00:22:03.480 she knew it was time to enter rehab and join AA, and she said 290 00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:06.440 she was getting ready to go out on a date. She was getting all 291 00:22:06.519 --> 00:22:10.440 dressed up, and she looked in the mirror and she made a promise to 292 00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:15.200 herself that she was not going to have sex with this first date, this 293 00:22:15.279 --> 00:22:21.799 person. But she got drunk, she had sex with him without protection. 294 00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:26.319 She woke up the next day worried about pregnancy or an STI and realized she'd 295 00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:32.920 broken a promise to herself. She hadn't kept her own boundaries, and for 296 00:22:33.039 --> 00:22:37.799 her, that was the turning point moment to go enough right. Here's another 297 00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:42.440 example of how you might be having a toxic relationship with yourself. You're not 298 00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:49.039 living out your purpose. Are you adjusting your life for everybody else? Because 299 00:22:49.079 --> 00:22:52.000 you want to be liked by them, so you want to wear what they 300 00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:55.279 think is the clothes to wear. You want to have the job that they 301 00:22:55.319 --> 00:22:59.400 think is the job to have, and you're just trying to be this perfect 302 00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:03.880 person for everybody you date, instead of you going who am I, what 303 00:23:03.960 --> 00:23:07.839 is my purpose, What is my meaning on this planet. That's when you 304 00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:12.839 know you're having a good relationship with yourself. Then let's say you're I mean 305 00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:18.160 great example, Let's say you're going to law school at night and you meet 306 00:23:18.200 --> 00:23:22.039 the greatest guy in the whole world. But he says, oh, I'm 307 00:23:22.039 --> 00:23:25.079 out after the semester and when I'm moving somewhere, and you're like, okay, 308 00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:26.920 well I'll just drop out of law school. I'll come see you. 309 00:23:26.000 --> 00:23:29.799 Right, you're not living your purpose. Then that's what you're not doing. 310 00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:33.000 Oh, this is a big one. And I used to have this all 311 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:37.279 the time. You can't take a compliment. Somebody compliments you and you make 312 00:23:37.319 --> 00:23:41.759 a self deprecating joke about yourself, and that means you don't love yourself. 313 00:23:42.359 --> 00:23:45.559 You know what I learned to say. I was walking the other night, 314 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:48.599 very funny. I was walking outside over to the pool area at my apartment 315 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:52.960 complex. Actually it was a very bad hair day for me. I'll just 316 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.279 say, I know that it's time to go to the pool when I have 317 00:23:56.319 --> 00:23:59.039 dirty hair, because then I can wash it again afterwards. But if I 318 00:23:59.039 --> 00:24:02.240 have good hair, I'm not kidding swimming pool, right, So you know 319 00:24:02.440 --> 00:24:03.920 that if I'm walking to the pool, it's not a good hair day. 320 00:24:04.519 --> 00:24:07.920 And as I'm walking to the pool, this sweet old gray haired lady looks 321 00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:11.880 up at me and says, you have the most beautiful hair. Dear, 322 00:24:12.200 --> 00:24:15.480 you just have the most beautiful hair. And you know what, I like. 323 00:24:15.759 --> 00:24:18.079 I didn't have to think about it. I said, thank you so 324 00:24:18.200 --> 00:24:21.839 much for telling me. That's so sweet of you, instead of, oh, 325 00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:22.839 no, it's actually bad hair day. You should see when I do 326 00:24:22.920 --> 00:24:26.680 it nice. You know, I didn't say that. I said thank you 327 00:24:26.759 --> 00:24:32.400 for telling me because compared to her hair, mine was great. Their natural 328 00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:34.359 curls are beautiful. If you had your curly mane, I know you were 329 00:24:34.400 --> 00:24:38.079 young. I've been doing curly in a while, you know why. I 330 00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:42.079 actually get more days out of blow dried straight hair. But the curly hair, 331 00:24:42.119 --> 00:24:45.000 if I sleep on it the next day, it's a mess. Yeah, 332 00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:47.160 and then I can't do it. And you try a bonnet. I 333 00:24:47.240 --> 00:24:48.640 know. My girls got me into the bonnet. It's a little weird to 334 00:24:48.640 --> 00:24:52.119 sleep in. It feels weird. You'll get used to it. Yeah. 335 00:24:52.160 --> 00:24:56.519 Maybe. All right, here's another sign that maybe you're in a bad relationship 336 00:24:56.519 --> 00:25:03.319 with yourself. You're a pessimist about everything, you know, if you're shooting 337 00:25:03.359 --> 00:25:06.720 yourself down all your opportunities. I knew this guy once. He was a 338 00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:08.440 poet. He was a super talented poet, had gone to an Ivy League 339 00:25:08.480 --> 00:25:14.880 university, was amazing, and he never once sent one poem to any publication 340 00:25:15.400 --> 00:25:18.240 anywhere. But what he did is he pointed out all the other writers who 341 00:25:18.599 --> 00:25:25.440 never made money, were never successful, who wallpapered their bedroom with rejection letters. 342 00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:29.920 He literally didn't even have the guts to send in and he was so 343 00:25:30.279 --> 00:25:33.960 brilliant. You know, my favorite line is from Wayne Gretzky, hockey player 344 00:25:33.960 --> 00:25:38.079 Canadian. You know he's our god over there. You miss one hundred percent 345 00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:41.799 of the shots you don't take right. So if you're a pessimist and you 346 00:25:41.799 --> 00:25:47.960 think you're going to lose, you will guaranteed. Here's a big one. 347 00:25:48.119 --> 00:25:52.640 You're having a bad relationship with yourself if your coping style against stress is dangerous. 348 00:25:53.599 --> 00:25:57.279 If you feel stressed and sometimes there are days where there are a cascade 349 00:25:57.400 --> 00:26:00.759 of stressors, and if you turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, or 350 00:26:00.799 --> 00:26:04.160 binge eating, you're not having a good relationship with yourself. Well, what 351 00:26:04.200 --> 00:26:07.359 are you supposed to do when you get stressed? After Wendy. Okay, 352 00:26:07.359 --> 00:26:08.640 well, I'll tell you I happened to have a very stressful day today. 353 00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:15.480 I had a big computer crash and lost some very important files. I found 354 00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:18.799 some other problems with all tech. You know, you're stuck on a computer, 355 00:26:18.799 --> 00:26:21.559 and there were tech problems, techpile. And then I was paying bills, 356 00:26:21.599 --> 00:26:25.119 and there were some problems with cash flow. And then my boyfriend said 357 00:26:25.119 --> 00:26:27.720 something. I snapped out him. It was a cascade of nonsense, sounds 358 00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:33.880 like I need a glass of wine, see But instead I got up and 359 00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:37.400 said I need to go for a walk. And where was that lady complimenting 360 00:26:37.440 --> 00:26:41.039 me on my hair today? She was not there. No, here's the 361 00:26:41.039 --> 00:26:44.079 funniest thing. After my walk, I jumped in the car and I said, 362 00:26:44.079 --> 00:26:45.279 I'm just going to go to Trader Joe's because if I have a full 363 00:26:45.319 --> 00:26:48.599 fridge, I will feel stock to make good meals for the week and that'll 364 00:26:48.640 --> 00:26:52.240 be healthy and whatever. I'll go get some vegetables and so well, you 365 00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:56.279 know how all the cashiers at Trader Joe's are extroverts, and they're like, 366 00:26:56.279 --> 00:26:57.480 how's your day going? And I go out It's okay, but I got 367 00:26:57.480 --> 00:26:59.799 to go to work, and he goes, oh, what do you do? 368 00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:02.079 And I know I have a radio show. He goes where I said, 369 00:27:02.079 --> 00:27:03.599 Cafi. He goes, I'm a big Cafi listener. Are you doctor 370 00:27:03.640 --> 00:27:07.559 Wendy Walsher? Am I own? No. Here we go right after my 371 00:27:07.640 --> 00:27:10.839 bad day and my bad walk. Then he goes, I have a question 372 00:27:10.920 --> 00:27:12.880 for you. He said, how come I've been married for many, many 373 00:27:12.920 --> 00:27:15.240 years? My wife and I love each other, But how comes she could 374 00:27:15.240 --> 00:27:19.240 be nice to people she barely knows? But and I said, you don't 375 00:27:19.240 --> 00:27:23.440 even have to finish. We save the most sadistic parts of our personality for 376 00:27:23.519 --> 00:27:29.079 those we love the most because we know they won't leave and they have to 377 00:27:29.079 --> 00:27:32.319 baby us. All right, when we come back, I've got some help 378 00:27:32.440 --> 00:27:37.440 for you. I have an author, Katie Silcox, who is the author 379 00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:42.960 of the new book glow Worthy Practices for Awakening your Inner Light and loving yourself 380 00:27:44.039 --> 00:27:48.519 as you are, broken, beautiful and sacred. That's me. Well, 381 00:27:48.519 --> 00:27:51.440 hell, Katie, when we come back, you're listening to the Doctor Wendy 382 00:27:51.440 --> 00:27:59.160 Walls showing KFI. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand mirror. 383 00:27:59.359 --> 00:28:11.119 Oh no, why those Tom draws, Lush Summer South, a bag of 384 00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:18.640 Crystal Ball. That's the baby issue. I'm shunning everybody wanna shine well like 385 00:28:18.839 --> 00:28:26.480 his own, even out of the try shining leggad better than I just say. 386 00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:38.039 I'm not a medicine lie payment. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywell Show 387 00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:42.279 on k f I A M six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 388 00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:47.359 You know, I have done episodes before where I've talked about Remember I'm a 389 00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:52.000 psychology a psychology I'm not. I am a professor of health psychology. And 390 00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:57.960 one of the most interesting things about our health is that religiosity is highly correlated 391 00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:03.400 with long life, better mental health, better physical health, and virtually any 392 00:29:03.480 --> 00:29:06.039 religion doesn't matter what it is, and you could break it down, Oh 393 00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:10.960 well, it's the community, it's the incense, it's the chanting that relaxes 394 00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:15.480 people. They're all kinds of pieces that create religiosity, not just the doctrine. 395 00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:19.119 You don't necessarily you can actually follow a religion and not believe it and 396 00:29:19.200 --> 00:29:22.799 still get the health benefits. Just to let you know, but I was 397 00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:29.920 really excited to bring on a woman who knows how certain forms of spirituality can 398 00:29:30.119 --> 00:29:33.680 actually lead to better mental health and even stronger relationships. I like to welcome 399 00:29:33.880 --> 00:29:38.960 Katie Silcock. She has a master's degree in Hinduism and I your Veda? 400 00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:45.359 Did I say it right? Are your Veda? Katie Beda Silence? You're 401 00:29:45.400 --> 00:29:49.319 known around the world for being a great teacher and mentor. Your books the 402 00:29:49.599 --> 00:29:55.400 number one New York Times best selling Healthy, Happy, Sexy, Ay your 403 00:29:55.480 --> 00:30:00.519 Veda Wisdom for Modern Women and new book coming Out glow Worthy Practices or Awakening 404 00:30:00.599 --> 00:30:03.880 your Inner Light and loving yourself as you are? Okay, Katie Silcox. 405 00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:08.160 The first thing I hear, because I'm all about science and concrete, literal 406 00:30:08.240 --> 00:30:11.759 things, is what is an inner light? And what is you loving yourself? 407 00:30:11.880 --> 00:30:18.200 Really? Well, it's dolphins and unicorns and bond bonds and all the 408 00:30:18.279 --> 00:30:19.960 good things. Now, I you know, I most people don't know this, 409 00:30:21.039 --> 00:30:25.440 But before artificial intelligence was even a thing, I studied AI and I 410 00:30:25.519 --> 00:30:30.920 worked in AI, and I'm definitely a lover of science, and so I 411 00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:34.920 completely understand the need to sort of understand and go into the woo wooness, 412 00:30:36.200 --> 00:30:38.759 right, But really it's just it's that basic. You said the word. 413 00:30:38.839 --> 00:30:44.160 You said the word religiosity, And I love that because if we study the 414 00:30:44.880 --> 00:30:49.559 etymology of that word, we find religio is the exact same word as yoga, 415 00:30:49.960 --> 00:30:53.519 which means to yoke or to unite. And this idea of an inner 416 00:30:53.599 --> 00:30:57.839 light is that all of us are walking around with like this little secret and 417 00:30:57.960 --> 00:31:04.039 that is, Oh, I feel alone, right, So we do, 418 00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:10.279 and we long for connection. We long for a divine connection, We long 419 00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:15.079 for friendship, We long for intimacy. And that inner light that glow, 420 00:31:15.319 --> 00:31:18.200 if you will, comes from whether you believe in religion or not, as 421 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:22.359 you said at the top of the show, doesn't matter. You get that 422 00:31:22.680 --> 00:31:26.680 when you are living the authenticity of who you really are, and it's intoxicating 423 00:31:26.759 --> 00:31:30.359 and people want to be around it and it's beautiful. And what do you 424 00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:34.480 mean by the authenticity? I mean, is it like literally getting rid of 425 00:31:34.559 --> 00:31:41.599 our public face and our performance personality and only being real and raw and having 426 00:31:41.640 --> 00:31:45.920 no boundaries. I'm confused. No, No, I'm so glad you asked, 427 00:31:45.079 --> 00:31:48.759 Like, we all have a persona and it's beautiful and it's you're a 428 00:31:48.799 --> 00:31:52.960 psychologist, you know this. It's a wonderful part of life that enables us 429 00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:56.079 to play these roles that serve people. But what this really means is the 430 00:31:56.200 --> 00:32:01.279 capacity to go in three hundred and sixty grease of our humanity. And so 431 00:32:01.799 --> 00:32:06.240 when you're in the limelight and you're in your persona like you're able to play 432 00:32:06.279 --> 00:32:08.920 that role from a place of having your heart be real and be open while 433 00:32:09.079 --> 00:32:15.119 maintaining your good professional boundaries. For instance, I'm actually a psychology professor, 434 00:32:15.279 --> 00:32:19.640 not a psychologist. But there is a performance when you're teaching a large group 435 00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:22.079 of students, and you know that there's certain things you probably can't say in 436 00:32:22.160 --> 00:32:27.440 front of that big group that you might say with intimate friends, right, 437 00:32:27.799 --> 00:32:32.200 And that's actually a service to them. It's actually you creating a beautiful container 438 00:32:32.319 --> 00:32:37.799 for them to be able to have an experience that doesn't necessarily involve like one 439 00:32:37.839 --> 00:32:39.359 of my teachers would say, you don't show up to teach your class in 440 00:32:39.440 --> 00:32:44.079 your sweatpants, like in you know, watching Netflix, Like there's a time 441 00:32:44.119 --> 00:32:47.039 and a place for that. And so really this inner light is more about 442 00:32:47.680 --> 00:32:52.319 learning how to tap in, at least privately in your own home from time 443 00:32:52.400 --> 00:32:58.240 to time, that vulnerable self, that part of us that a lot of 444 00:32:58.400 --> 00:33:01.440 us are really doing a lot lot of things throughout the day to run from, 445 00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:06.279 because initially it can feel like the very thing that you want to touch 446 00:33:06.359 --> 00:33:09.680 the least is actually sitting right in front of where you have that true cell 447 00:33:09.880 --> 00:33:15.240 or that light. So you mentioned that all of us deep down are holding 448 00:33:15.319 --> 00:33:20.079 this secret that we feel alone. And I often will say the sentence, 449 00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:22.400 you know, you're born alone and you die alone, and in between, 450 00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:25.400 if you're lucky, you have some people you can hang with, right, 451 00:33:25.839 --> 00:33:30.279 And that is personification of that. We're realizing that we're alone in this. 452 00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:38.559 But how can your teaching help people have closer, more connected and I guess 453 00:33:38.920 --> 00:33:45.240 relationships where they feel more secure and less alone. Yeah, I mean it's 454 00:33:45.319 --> 00:33:49.920 that paradox, right, So like it's alone, but then once you continue 455 00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:53.359 to dive into that solitude, you find that you're all one. Right, 456 00:33:53.440 --> 00:33:59.720 that's the whole Enlightenment teaching of all ah. So when you're doing the yogi, 457 00:34:00.319 --> 00:34:05.519 then you're actually feeling more connected to the world exactly. But the secret 458 00:34:05.720 --> 00:34:10.840 is that we can co like these paradoxical states coexist. So you know, 459 00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:15.599 it's like when we're needy and we're desperately looking for love, all the old 460 00:34:15.679 --> 00:34:19.639 wives tales like let it go and then you'll find the love. Right, 461 00:34:19.760 --> 00:34:24.880 It's that it's when when I actually own and acknowledge the truth that I have 462 00:34:25.119 --> 00:34:30.079 to do this work of loving myself by myself, that we actually open up 463 00:34:30.280 --> 00:34:35.440 to that part of us that connects with everyone else, making us much more 464 00:34:35.480 --> 00:34:39.599 available and lovable. So if you could give me two tips news you can 465 00:34:39.760 --> 00:34:45.199 use for our listeners. What should they do tomorrow to start a better relationship 466 00:34:45.239 --> 00:34:51.239 with themselves? Sure, I'm going to share something. I have a mentor. 467 00:34:51.320 --> 00:34:53.960 Her name's Crystal Mortinson, and tonight we were talking and we're talking about 468 00:34:54.000 --> 00:34:58.960 these four pillars of mindfulness, and so I'll just share these really quick ones. 469 00:34:59.079 --> 00:35:01.960 And one is that you start paying attention to yourself, that you take 470 00:35:02.000 --> 00:35:06.880 an active interest in yourself, whether it be through your breath or any form 471 00:35:06.920 --> 00:35:10.760 of meditation. You begin to pay attention to the truth of where you actually 472 00:35:10.840 --> 00:35:15.880 are physically, emotionally, energetically. But then that's not enough, because we 473 00:35:15.960 --> 00:35:19.880 all know we can focus on something and it just gets worse. Right, 474 00:35:20.440 --> 00:35:24.599 we also have to bring in this spirit of openness and relaxation, taking the 475 00:35:24.840 --> 00:35:31.360 pressure off ourselves to beaties perfect enlightened beings. And then most importantly, we 476 00:35:31.559 --> 00:35:39.920 have to look at ourselves with a warm, kind gauze aka compassion, because 477 00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:44.119 if you just meditate and focus on your breath, you can you know, 478 00:35:44.239 --> 00:35:49.440 pardon my friends, you can become a more focused app right. So it's 479 00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:52.880 really important that you have all three of those elements, you know, a 480 00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:58.079 basic meditation, and I think probably as part of that warm kind gaze is 481 00:35:58.199 --> 00:36:02.960 learning how to forgive our selves for being human beings because we're not perfect pep 482 00:36:04.039 --> 00:36:07.880 totally. And I will say that as we close, I just want to 483 00:36:07.960 --> 00:36:14.480 remind everybody the new book is called glow Worthy Practices for Awakening your Inner Light 484 00:36:14.599 --> 00:36:20.119 and Loving Yourself as you are, Broken, Beautiful and Sacred by Katie Silcox. 485 00:36:21.559 --> 00:36:23.480 But I do want to say that if we can just take some time 486 00:36:24.039 --> 00:36:30.039 to let stuff go and let our relationship be, then stop trying to change 487 00:36:30.159 --> 00:36:36.559 each other and control everything about it, it will probably frow a lot more 488 00:36:36.639 --> 00:36:40.599 smoothly. Wise advice, Thanks so much for being with me, Katie, 489 00:36:40.719 --> 00:36:45.000 A pleasure to chat. Oh. Likewise, definitely, thank you so much 490 00:36:45.079 --> 00:36:49.400 for having me, and thank you for listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show 491 00:36:49.440 --> 00:36:53.199 here on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. A reminder 492 00:36:53.480 --> 00:36:58.079 I'm here every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You can also follow me 493 00:36:58.199 --> 00:37:01.320 on my social media at doctor Wendy Walsh is the handle. But will see 494 00:37:01.320 --> 00:37:05.760 you next week. You've been listening to The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI 495 00:37:06.280 --> 00:37:07.760 KFI AM six forty on demand