Others a Dragon, Time of Magic, Age of Mind, the Band of
he Wills, the Bump to the Fight, playing with powers they don't understand
woll they fucking are? All? They save the lads strechery, altering and
words. The others as the ring car of theres a dragon, There's a
Dragon, zad powers combined. A group of fantasy authors take on a statistic
games bast Will they survive? I hope not. I hate these guys.
Others a dragon as a dragon. Hey everybody, I'm John Hartness and I'll
be playing the role of Fendingo, the fantastical who has finally been hoisted by
his own flaming pittard. This is what happens when you spend seven years setting
shit on fire in the DM finally gets tired of your crap. In real
life, I write multiple series, including Quincy Harker, Demon Hunter, The
Black Knight Chronicles, Babba the Monster Hunter. But my newest release is a
non supernatural, non fantasy comedy thriller featuring a mechanical bull named Hornicus Prime and
two drunken, middle aged women on a quest for justice. It is called
Identity Theft, and you can get out there and buy it right, mew.
Hi, I'm Joseph Brassie. I played the role of Jorge Garranson,
enthusiastic and violent barbarian. I was an author on the Mongoliad books. My
novel Skyfair and Dragon Road can be found anywhere books are sold, and I
am the author of such non existent titles. Those pen gear, peel and
stick this to your butt. Hey everyone, my name is Rick Waltyri and
I play the Arrow of the Gods, who is most certainly not Silas Kane,
although Silas is safe in real life. I write several things, including
The Tomb of Bill, Bill Is Dead and more. But if you've ever
thought yourself, man, if I can only watch Rick write a novel one
chapter at a time, well then you should go check out Bore war Over
on Kindle vella and your wish will come true. Hello friends, my name
is Robert Bevan. I play the role of Klaus Richter, the notorious Rogue.
In real life, I write the Caverson Creature series of comedy fantasy novels
and short stories, starting with the first book, Critical Failures. Go get
it. Hi, my name is Steve WEAVERL and I play Brandon firemass sexually
attractive monk. He's never been inside a woman, but he has been inside
a rowbook. Very much a man ahead of his time in real life.
I write such books as The Doomsay, a journy's and if you'd to watch
me write a novel a chapter at a time, and you can come and
live in my basement with all the others. Hey, everybody, this is
Drew Hayes, the dungeon master of this game, the guy desperately trying to
remember when Brandon penetrated a robot, and the leader of this merry band of
shittery for only a few more weeks, as we are in the final chapters
of Chronicles of Calamity, And in one of their final acts of this campaign
last session, the party supported the robots and went inside, fought some tar
slimes that then Fan Dingo lit on fire and realized, oh yeah, those
burn, those burn good monsters. Yeah. They successfully recovered the gem that
was in the robot, threw it to him, reactivated him, and he
jumped into the fray slit that gem inside him. There, it is there,
It is all right. So as you all watch the slimes wither away
without the power of that gem to sustain them, and within the bubble the
previous stalemate between the wizard and his two children has turned as now, with
the additional help of the golem, they are slowly managing to beat up this
old man. Check my inventory for popcorn. There's a lot of spells being
cast, but Gunther is counterspelling. Bunther keeps weaving in and hacking away at
the defenses, and then the golem just uppercuts occasionally and Landman's to land some
damage. And you know, he's still a powerful ass wizard. But between
the three of them, they are they're wearing him down. I always imagine
these fights is like a final fantasy for sequence. Does anyone else do that?
I mean, I am now just me. Did anyone want to take
any actions while you are watching this fight? I mean, we can't help
help beat up beat up the decrepit old man. Brandon will say, woo
and you go, robot healing sounds good? Buck it off Georg's head.
Yes, Georg wrenches the bucket away and it clatters out somewhere unseen, rolling,
perhaps to strike again someday. What did I miss? I set shut
on fire? Okay, I repeat again? What did I miss? And
it wasn't you. We're watching an angry old men get beaten up a valid
Georg is gonna move up and just stand there and stare and watch, because
well, it looks like we chose a side. Oh yeah, we're just
observing some traditional family altercation time. I assume this is how families work.
Klaus has no interesting family drama. Klaus thinks of his wise master and decides
to look the other way. And yeah, Brandon grew up in the heat
temple of the many face where people which is constantly kicking each of his assets.
This is probably how family works, not not how family works. I
want a piece of this if this force if this force field drops, I'm
shooting, even if he's already dead. Does anybody need anybody else need a
healing? Oh yeah, I don't think you need to roll perception to notice
that Brandon is still partially melted. Yes, and Silence says has got and
his ass kicked pretty thoroughly as well, or sorry, sorry, not silas
the arrow of the god. I don't know who the silos person is.
All right, well, everyone in our party gets back fifteen hit points as
I cast mass healing. Hey, thank you, since I'm a baladin and
he's like yo, and he's a conducting mass. Do I get more back?
It was Ah, that was terrible. Will your gods? Will your
God allow you to utter his name? That might have been the nertiest joke
you've ever told Rake, And that's saying something. Yeah, that's a high
good good night, folks. I'll be here all week. That one for
the D and D true believe is the red meat. Jorg's waiting there.
I mean, he's got a sword. Unsheath's looking at the old man Wizard,
going well, if his children hated him enough to help the robot kill
him, then you know, you must really be a piece of shit.
I think we picked the right side, agreed. All that occurred to me
when he set a bunch of gooon monsters on his who partially dissolved me.
I mean, there's certainly been some turns in this campaign, but I feel
like it's been pretty clear from the front that the Wizard is a dick.
Yeah, yeah, always it's a dig straight. We should have seen this
gup might be the most consistent part of this whole campaign. Boy, that
Wizard is an asshole, Well, wizard is an asshole. Klaus is going
to chuse on something. It's neck and neck for which is more consistent.
Claus does like to piss on stuff sometimes, though I mix it up.
You need to work harder, and I'll go ahead and cast. Let's see
that last one is mass healing word will cast mask cure wounds this time?
Hell yeah, and everybody gets back another eighteen points. Nice. That also
includes Gordon as a refresher from last game. Since, of course this is
two weeks between our plays from Antheus reached out and let y'all know that time
was running short, you would probably only have time for one more destination before
you would have to confront the able off menace. Um. And so if
y'all want to, you know, meditate on that, you're watching the fight.
The Wizard tries to shape shift into something bigger, and the robot just
leaps up and starts punching it in the neck until it drops back down.
Size has its disadvantages. Um, Well, we can always go to where
Judge Hungry is from a caldern. I think, yeah, as much as
I wanted to go back to the Isle of Champions, I hope he really
wanted to go back then so I could be the champion of the olive Champions,
which I guess that feels more like a side quest. I'm thinking of
a city Lake Caldern could use a hero like the Arrow of the Gods.
He's not wrong. As a duly appointed officer of the courts in Caldern,
I believe that I should be able to just ride in and marshal the entire
city's defenses to our aid. I'm not sure what they taught you in bad
school, but I think where I came from, duly appointed has a very
different meaning. I mean, I was your attorney. Press ganged, is
what you mean? I was still your lawyer. That was also a punishment.
I think what's the difference between duly appointed and report ordered? A syllable?
A badge? I have a badge? Did you make your own badge?
I might have a forgery kit in my inventory? The badge says,
kiss me, I'm a bot. Wash your lips after, Oh, I've
shown your bage? Huh? All right? As y'all watched the battle continue
on, the trio continues to get the upper hand until Bunther comes in with
a blow to the head. Gunther lands a spell on the body and the
robot just straight up brings an uppercut and knocks him down. He is alive
but unconscious, and you all see the goal and lift his arms in the
air and go WHOA felt good. I imagine Gunther and Gunther high five.
Nice good job, guys, Happy Father's Day, Bubba fuck a good job
knocking him out so that he can, like you know that he can recover
later and get his revenge. We don't care about that. We're not going
to ever come back to this island. Hey, ten man, can you
grab up the rest of your little automaton army and let's go fuck up some
abolots. Ah. Yes, your contact reached out to me telepathically and alerted
me to your situation. We have the coordinates. We shall meet you there.
Perfect. Oh cool. If you guys could set off before you realize
that this display of violence was only a temporary capacis and you have much deeper
emotional issues to work through, that'd be great role perceptions. Everyone thinking maybe
they, uh, they seem pretty capable. We just let them go face
off against the applets and we'll find a nice beach row the gods rules in
eighteen Oh man, I do like beaches. You are Rules of seventeen.
Brandon Firemaster is now thinking of beaches. He rolls a six. Okay,
Fendingo is thinking of Brandon Thime Maaster on a beach. Everybody who beat ten
can see the Wizard stir and kind of lift himself up. Everybody who beat
fifteen can see or and hear him kind of mumble out through bloody teeth after
he kind of spits a little bit. This is the first time I thought
there might be hope for any of you. Yet, what I mean,
it's some for us kids. He's definitely talking to his kids. All right.
Sorry, is this one of those moments where you get your ass whooped
and then you go, oh, yeah, I totally meant for you to
do that to me. You know, I never had a father, so
I'm gonna say thanks anyway. I mean, usually if somebody's beating your ass
and you're telling him thank you, you've probably prepaid for that service. You
see the golum pop his knuckles, even though there's literally no point to that.
He has no bones, let alone carbon or ectronoxide bubbles to pop within
them, but he does it, and then he looks. He says,
you all should go ahead and head out. I think we have a lot
of family issues to work through. Oh, I am leaving that behind me.
We'll catch up with you, guys. I'm walking away. I'm so
glad we could stop here and pretty much accomplished nothing. Bye. I mean,
you got allies, and you helped an old man be beaten. Nothing
that was satisfied. Yes, but the old man survived. Not sure,
wasted time, but he's not dead. Does anyone have anything they would like
to do before heading to the ship. All of the things are still closed
and whatnot, because again, the town has recently been attacked within the last
like ten minutes. Um, nope, I'm gonna go to the ship.
I mean we could look in on the locals and make sure they're all right.
We could tell them their wizard has been It's okay, Klaus pede on
him, Niffin, God, they got the full party experience. I feel
like I haven't done enough. But yeah, it's all right. We'll find
other people for you to pee on. There's always more people to pee upon.
I am, but one man not. If not, if the applet's
eat the entire world, there isn't. Hey, Actually, well, I
remember I remember one of my applications randomly. Hey, wizard, your your
dull slave. Set it free along with its people, or I will get
your sons to beat the shit out of you again. The hell are you?
You're talking about it? My door knobs go? Oh right? I
promised a door spirit I destroy it, and I forgot. So you know,
if you could just destroy your door spirit, who I also forgot about
until just now, I don't know. I guess that's justice. I don't
know. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about these things. Just
kit, just kill your door, Okay, I don't ask a lot.
Fuck you free the door. It feels like there's a lot going on under
the surface here. I'm just gonna fuck off back to the boat Caldern awaits
Hopefully it won't take as two seasons to find it is time. I think
the boat knows where it does. The boat does indeed? No, okay,
Um, so it sounds like everybody's just heading to the boat and y'all
are locked on Caldern. Yes, yepounds good to me. Um you all
piling the boats, Um you set sail. It will take you, guys,
at least a long rest to get there, so you can go ahead
and top off your hit points and spells and spells. I am well aware
of the importance of spells. All right, ready to rock, I can
set more shit on fire. Let's go. Hopefully it won't be covered.
I still think there's something to like we end this campaign by just fucking off
to a beach and either the world ends or it doesn't. I mean,
it's your party, but if I wanted reality at stay in reality. It's
like, oh, it was too much pressure and I fucked off. Gray
never experienced that on my home. That's called Friday night. All right,
Um, okay, so y'all head to the boat. You are heading to
caldern Um. Everybody give me perception checks Silent two, Claus Rift roles in
natural twenty, Brandon Firemaster roles at twenty, Your rols a natural one Fandanga
roles is sixteen. All right. Um. In the night, you meaning
Silas, Brandon, and Klaus, you kind of wake up occasionally, not
enough to disrupt your long rest, but enough to just notice that the ship
is moving a little faster than it feels like normal. And when you all
awaken that morning, Silas is gonna have a question for you before we move
on, Um, you can get up and see that PROMEGTHEUS has been using
the ab lef to push you from behind. Um, thus explaining canonically how
you are covering such a massive distance through the nights, because I'm pretty sure
this is supposed to be a much bigger sale. But yeah, you have
an ambleth pushing you. So sure you could have also explained that canonically,
that we didn't know what the fuck we were doing and now we do.
It's a boy, it's a mix of boat. Um. But on our
occasion we know where we're going, and why well the boat knows. Yeah,
Okay, that's giving us too much credit. That's that's fair. Um.
Is silence coming up? Or is arrow of the gods coming up?
Arrow the gods? That is still there? Okay, so uh, you
are all heading toward caldern Um. You have made tremendous strikes of the night.
However, as the sun rises, Prometheus sinks below the water with the
ableth as it is a bit more conspicuous in the daytime. Um, However,
within an hour, I will need perceptions. Please. I already gave
you a good perception. Raw. Yeah, no fucking blew that one.
Fucking natural one. Oh, nineteen not too bad. Oh it's an eighteen.
You're that's a twenty four, all right, Fandingo gets a twenty four.
Okay, so within an hour, everybody who beat fifteen can see the
land out on the horizon. You are have made incredible time, and are
you know within sight of Caldern. However, only Fan Dingo with his twenty
four broke the twenty DC to spot a ship sailing towards you. I'm too
busy smoldering at the horizon. I'm standard looking heroic. Hey, guys,
there's another boat. There's another boat coming. Well, flag an a flag.
It's a little too far out to see right now, but as it
draws closer, you can see that it is flying a flag with the crest
of Caldern. And in fact, I will need not percent believe it or
not. I think I'm gonna want to go intelligence on this one. But
at least I can find a skill to give you guys a little something extra
here. We could do it, something a little extrat um. All right,
history, you're a girl eighteen, that's not an extra arrow rolls of
six. I did not build this character to remember things. Class rolls at
twenty. Oh, Brandon fin must gets a fifteen. All right, everybody
who beats fifteen can already recognize despite the distance. But as soon as it
becomes clear and visible, you know this ship. You you sailed aboard this
ship. This is footstool ship. Oh oh, footstool. How did we
leave things with footstool? Uh? He acted as a conduit to summon Judge
Hungary and officially set you all free because you had completed the mandatory part of
your quests. Basically like a parole officer who set who took off your ankle
monitor and said, don't fuck up. Oh. Perhaps the closest thing we've
had to a father figure. And with the twenties, Um Fendingo and Klaus
can hear over the winds a familiar goblin voice going, ah shit, it's
them, yea author, they're playing us. So what up footstool? Um?
And the ship will eventually pull up alongside jaws, assuming you don't open
fire or anything of the line. Well I didn't recognize that. Maybe I'll
open fire. No, we didn't. But we don't like shoot stool.
We don't like anybody. Well, nobody likes us. I guess that's kind
of the same thing. I mean, yeah, I thought too, except
for me. I'm at the light boat. Shake hands with that other boat.
I will stamp my foot on the deck because I still don't know how
this boat works. So basically, you're you're, you're, you're telling it
ramming speed? Possibly No, no, no, it's fair, footstool,
we need an army. Oh no, what's chasing you? Oh? Actually?
Possibly the end of the world. Why am I not fucking surprised?
There is a bunch of abolefts who are looking for a magical device that will
allow them to completely change reality. We don't want abulfts to do that,
so we've come here to get your help to go kick their asses. Oh
yeah, you guys, you kind of set us on that path to fuck
with the ablifts. Turns out that has consequences. Wait, the ablifs want
to like rewrite reality with them in charge? Yes, I mean, do
we know that's going to be any worse than it is now? I've seen
those things, man, they are not good looking, No, substantially worse
than it is now. All right, cool, I'll trust you. Footstool
kind of rubs the flat bridge of his nose. I already know I'm going
to regret asking this, but I don't suppose you have any proof to these
outstandingly ridiculous claims. Of course we're doing show yourself for us, Egg child
a rise. Also, we've brought an abolist. Oh yeah, we should
probably would it before y'all did not do that first. So yeah, in
the scene reminiscent of the old Godzilla cartoon, Uh, just a big old
mound of water starts rising up, uh, giving way and bursting to an
enormous able life with a jaunty top hat still perched atop its head. Oh
no, it's prove Godzuki. I guess if Godzuki had like hardwired Godzilla's brain.
Yeah, if Godziki was cool for Godzuki idol. Now that you see
we were route, it's time to discuss terms of surrender. Uh yeah,
Footstool has gone from looking exasperated too terrified to deeply concerns and uh you see
him motion for one of the sailors to run up to him, and and
Footstal just kind of grow around, and finally it gets hold of her shoulder
and pulls it pulls them. You're you're seeing that too, right, Okay,
okay, don't worry, go get me the scroll of the the emergency
message sending yeah we need yeah, no above our pay grade. Go go
go, go, go, go go go. Don't worry too much.
One of them is dead and one of them is my son. I was
gonna say, don't worry too much. This is a terminator to Aboleth.
Just remember you can always tell the friendly Aboleth by the top hat and Brandon
you do. Actually, you can all hear the telepathy in your voice.
Say too big clue. The Ableth is still alive and constantly suffering. Score.
I don't think you've helped that case. Son, fending gag, you're
a badass. What I'm gonna I'm gonna attend that didn't. Just for the
record, Silas, who's not here but safe, is still waiting for you
to cause him brain damage. Yeah, well I'm not causing brain help.
I'll tell you that. I mean, we have no proof that Silas has
our brain to damage. That's true. There is a man who runs purely
on faith. He might not need high functions. So footstool will get handed
a scroll. He touches it, A big kind of orb of light appears,
scans the area footstool hurriedly spits some words, points to the giant ambleth,
and then the orb zips off. About thirty minutes later, a fleet
of more ships has arrived to escort you to Caldern Harbor boat. Sweet,
we got a parade, finally, this is great. It's about time.
It's zero time. Yes, I'm not convinced. We're not going to be
murdered or arrested as soon as we arrive. Look, I haven't had a
parade in a long time. Klaus, don't shut on my We are reformed,
and we return triumphantly. The system works. If there's ever been an
example of failing upward, tell my parole officer. A footstool is your parole
officer, Tell my other parole officer. Okay, anyone has a tape measure
you can. I feel very careful not to touch me. Stop measuring me
from my statue. So you all will be sailing back toward Caldron with the
escort of the ships PROMEGTHEUS follows for a bit, but eventually falls behind as
the water grows too shallow for him to easily pilot an Abelith, especially without
panicking an entire town as I do he's a considerate child. Yeah, because
we wouldn't give a shit if we pilot panicked. The whole town might be
the most logistically minded one of you. We raised him well so off.
I mean, we left him on a boat a lot. But yeah,
you left him in the care of of random goblin monster. By the way,
Gordon is with y'all in human form, He's just, you know,
not needed right now. Yeah, he's technically never really needed. But I
don't know. Y'all get bucketed a lot. Hey, Gordon, now do
we solved your wizard problem? I guess. I guess you're free. Are
you in for this end as a world gig or if you've got more of
your life to lose to your horrible gambling habit. You know you make a
good point. I could put some debts down and make a few markers and
then if I die, no biggie, and if I win, yeah,
I don't know, make a bet so it pays off somehow. Yeah,
yeah, I can find a way to get the suckers in on this.
I like the cut of your jib here, Gordo. Let's but I think
we should take some time to really plan the best way to maximize our profits
after we get done here in Caldern, because, trust me, the judicial
system in Caldron does not fuck around. So speaking of Caldron, as y'all
arrive to port and disembark, there is a battalion of guards and footstool waiting
for you. You can all. Actually, I wouldn't even make you get
a due perceptions because you'll kind of just kind of be walking through town to
see. It's definitely a little bit harder than when you left. More people
have weapons and armor. There's definitely a few more bits of damage around the
town. It's indicative of a city that has seen more battles. Jeez,
go away for five minutes. This city needs the arrow of the gods.
Hey, mushroom boy, Um, the fuck's happened since we left. I
don't know who you mean by mushroom boy, so none of the NPCs do
either. The guy I've always called Toadstool, Yeah, that's that's too big
of a leap for us. That's fair cool. Hey Toadstall, the fuck's
happened up here? This place looks like it looks like I'll seen some shit
all right? This time? You're ignored on purpose. That's fair. I
didn't really care. I was just making a conversation. Where does n fallen
this place? More items keep washing up, bringing trouble with them. The
tides seem to carry dilemmas with every washing, and to be frank, it's
been getting harder and harder to get some ships in. That's why we have
patrols going out. That abolith of yours isn't the first we've seen, but
it is the friendliest, well, and it's the best dressed. Oh good,
so we're not arrested. Oh no, no, no, you are
coming to make a full report. All right, Yeah he was arrested.
Yeah, well, I mean we brought we brought an ableth with us.
I thought, you know, this is like you know, the parole officer
things like bringing a big bag full of meth and guns, and uh,
I was bringing this to you. Oh you you have arrived caring more information
than we've had in weeks. We are taking you directly to the man at
the top. Oh very well, let's go. I'm already here. But
all right, you are all marched through the town, m past the market,
which is still open, although it looks a little bit diminished from the
splendor that you recall, um go past the houses and eventually are taken into
the familiar building that is the Caldern Courthouse. As you are brought into a
room where one could say it all began. See yup sitting at his desk
with a mound of papers and a very kind of a tired look to him.
You see Judge hungry, and you can also notice that the orb of
light that shot off before is resting on his desk. Dude, that paperweight
is awesome. You brought abulet to door, a mentally enslaved one with a
hat. Very welcome. Okay, just gonna breeze past that one right now.
Don't really have time. I don't really love it either, But we're
dealing with the end of the world. I think it was a case of
mentally enslaved the apple off or we become mentally enslaved, and you know,
turn about fair play. M all right, tell me what happened. Are
digging around for something that will allow them to rewrite reality with them in charge
destroy the world? That kind of shit, Jerry, Can we just cut
to a spinning clock while we recount five seasons of events? Yeah? I
didn't actually expect you we're going to try, and then we destroyed this island.
When when Brandon climbed a tree and maybe skip some of it, But
yeah, I think Buel pretty much cuts the polat I wrote a hippo.
Then we helped beat up an old man. I was yesterday. I set
a lot of shit on fire. It'd be great if we just recounted the
last five seasons. It gave no useful information, which is slightly incredible Santa
clause. Yeah, I think I wrestled on Elf. I got my ass
kicked, and poor Silas can't say is God's name anymore? Poor Silas,
that guy's a douche hera. Thank God you're here. Okay, So you
guys can recount your adventures to Judge Hungary. You tell him of your you
know, crossing of the Seas, the Island of Champions, the gentronom facility
where you discovered the mutilated abolith and found from Megthius the perils of the Axe
and landport to your animal times on the Isle of Warlock Munroe, and finally
you get to the point of hatching Promegtheus and procuring an abolith, learning of
their plans, etc. And that very soon perhaps even a day or so
away, they will be at a point of no return and you all well
kind of have a dog in the fight if not letting that happened. So
you can fill in Judge Hungry on as Steve said, five seasons fucking adventure.
Yes, you know, if you're listening to this at home and you
wanted to go and recount the seasons in order, please do that to listen
from the start, Yeah, why don't relive the memories? Yeah, And
at the end of that enormous binge of contents you can say, Okay,
I think I get why they're starting a new campaign. It might be time
for a little bit of an easier entry point. Um, all right,
so um, as you all complete your tale, Judge Hungry has taken copious
notes. There have been occasional runners coming in. He'll hand them kind of
sheets of parchments to and fro. It's very clear that he is acting in
an organizational capacity on the fight against the aquatic menace that has been besieging their
shores. And so as you reach the end of the tail, Judge Hungry
kind of absorbs it all stands up. We have a problem here. I
sent you on what was meant to be simple fact finding quest. To be
honest, not much hope you would accomplish anything. It more to keep you
busy, idle hands asmodius playthings, all that stuff. But now not only
do you complete base quest, you bring me dangerous warnings of a threat that
would cut through this town easy, and you give me time to fight back.
This create imbalance and Judge Hungry much like Justice a bore imbalance, and
you will kind of walk to the line. He'll get to Gordon first.
You, I know, put on this path. So I offer sincere thanks,
and he gives Gordon a hearty handshake, offer you a hearty fuck you,
all right, Bjorg. When he gets to you, a runner comes
in and carrying a very large package and he hands it to Judge Hungry,
who takes it. Now, the one upside of cursed magic items washing Ashore
is that once curse broken, we have a lot of extra magic items.
Oh I do like items indeed, and for Barbarian, I offer this and
he gives the package to Bjorg. Georg will open the package. Okay,
um, Bjorg, you unwrap a great sword, as is your preferred weapon.
But it is a very stylish and elegant great sword, much more than
the usual brutish weapon, and in fact there are sort of filigree of vines
and flowers woven into the hilts. Wow, that is a great sword.
That's really pretty. I thought I was going to be full of scorpions.
All right, George, you have been given the blade of the Gentle Barbarian.
In addition to being stylish and elegant, it gives you a plus three
to attack in damage and allows the wielder to searge hit die as a standard
action once per day. Wow. Okay, so surge hit dye yep,
so you can do like a short rest would allow you to surge hitdai.
Okay, you can do that once per day as a standard action. Oh
nice. Yes, these are these are quest completion rewards, so they're meant
to be meant to be good. And as you take it, it sort
of snaps to you are meant to take time to a tune but for plot,
and you know reward reasons. It'll just say, it bonds to you
Borg like it was meant for you. Yes, thank you, I shall
use this for justice, all right. Judge Hungry will step next to Brandon
again. Another runner comes in and this time it's a smaller package, and
Judge Hunger takes it and offers it. I know monk can wear little butts.
I think this will be exception. Oh, unwrap that bad boy.
Normally I assume material possessions, except for all the really cool material possessions I
have. All right, Brandon, you unwrap. These are very similar to
the bracers of mighty fists that you have, which give you a plus one
to attack and damage, but they are to be frank cooler, nice,
They're sleep They bind right to your arms. There's like a neat little leather
effect, and as you put them on you realize that they are adding plus
three rather than the plus one. Nice. Traditionally, the rist is the
least muscular part of the buddy. So I thank you for these. So
yeah, that will help you hit, and it also adds ten feet to
your base movement. Feeling kind of frisky the bracers of awesome fists nice?
All right, fendingo. Another runner comes in, bringing a very distinctive loot
shaped package, drum kit. I wonder what it could be. Let's unwrap
that bad boy, all right. You rip it open and you find yourself
looking at a gorgeous loot, I mean hot diggity damn. This thing is
nice. You pluck one string and it is harmony. It is the loot
of the cheerful Bard. It gives you a plus three to saving throws for
the DC of Bard spells, and once per day you can cast Auto's irresistible
dance. Hell yeah, that's a boogie and la. Next up, he
gets to Klaus. Hello, sir, Yeah, someone runs in carrying a
package much smaller than most of the others, more comparable with Brandons than anyone's.
We offer you a glove of endless masturbation. I hope it's a bicycle
plus plus three come suck? Oh no, all right, would you like
to unwrap it? Klaus? Yes, all right, you unwrap a crossbow,
but not just a crossbow. It's called rogues diplomacy. It's a plus
three crossbow with a built in ground grappling hook nurse, and it can be
magically recalled to your hand or vice versa. Wait what oh? Wait,
so you can either call the thing to fly to your hand or you can
fully pull yourself to it. Oh all right, that's what I thought you
were saying. But that sounded weird. But yeah, all right, cool,
Hopefully you won't lose this one. He gave up across boat. It's
theoretically impossible to lease theoretically, all right. So is it only a grappling
hook there's works a No, it's a crossbow. It's a plus three to
attack in damage crossbow. It just also has that grappling hook function built in.
All right, cool, um. And then he will lastly arrive before
the Air of the Gods, and Judge Hunger will say, like the other
one, I did not put you on this path, so you have my
heart. Wait wait, I cast misty. Yep, it does not work.
Fine, fuck it. I was like, I remember that this courtroom
has been warded. All right, man, I hold in my hand that.
I turned to the others, and I'm like, it's probably I guess
it's time to, like, you know, to finally reveal my great secret
as I pull off my hood. What oh you are fucking kidding me?
No, God, damn it, nothing is sacred. It was me all
along. No, it wasn't stubble the arrow to Gud's mask. How dare
you? How dare you Sully his name? Brandon's right, you you are
not cool enough. To have been the arrow of the gods all along.
You must have liked. I bet he's tied up in the hold of the
ship. I'm sure, I'm sure he's I'm sure he's safe. Nice try
Silas, lame. Hey, I've been saving that one instead of a bitch.
Uh, all right, well, judge Hunger, I'll be like,
oh, oh, okay, you know good mask, good mask. Yeah,
a great mask. It's a great mask. And he was Sully again.
Yeah, that mask belongs to a great man. Dick. What uh
your name is Silas? Right? I mean Silas or Filth, depending on
who you ask. But yes, okay, because you, we have one
for you. Weirdly enough, he sends a runner who comes back in with
one last um package. And this one actually has the words for Silas written
on it. I'll open it. He'd appeared on doorsteps of temple the other
day. Oh, I'm taking a big step away from this ship. This
reminds me of all of the ice stay gifts I never got as a child.
Yeah. No, I want to be way away from this. I
know how Explosi work. Motherfucker's all right, Um, Silas, you unwrap
a longbow? Oh h, so you unwrapped, the longbow devoted and distance.
Um, you have a PLU. It gives you a plus three two
attack and damage. Um. It gives an extra range of fifty feet.
However, the closer you get to any sort of temple of Torreg or holy
site, the weaker it grows. So this came straight from Torreg and basically
it's a stay the fuck away from Mitya. It's can I pay you to
leave? Be alone? Well? Holding bow? I try to say his
name, can I? No, it's even harder. Well, this sucks.
That's what you get. That's what you get for stolen valor. All
right, So after that has been done, he will step back. All
right, we set sail. In the morning, we go, we fight
the abolists. We bring the battle to them for once. If you want
to, uh, I don't know, gear up, buy things, spend
money. We haven't had a lot of trade. Go to the market.
That's the real hour of the gods was here. We could use him on
our site. So we won't. I won't make y'all run around to the
different places. But you have access to a basic market. Um. So
anything that's standard and not rare. Out of the equipment, stuff you can
buy. If there's something you want that's a little harder to get, we
were we will have to roll for it. Um, seeing as Caldern isn't
a bit of a limited condition stuff. But you know, this is a
good chance to wink wink burn some gold before a big battle. If you
need anything, wink wink. Well, definitely some potions. Yeah, those
of you who aren't me should get healing potions because I have a bad feeling
that I'm going to need all my spells to kill things. How much is
a potion of great healing? Okay, standard is one hundred, but you're
in a a portown that has had limited trade, so we're gonna say one
thirty. Fair enough. I'm gonna grab four of those. I got a
ship ton of gold. I'm gonna grab ten. You cannot grab ten.
There will be because that's uncommon. If it was the you can have as
many of the regular ones as you guys want. Um. The uncommons,
we're gonna say, are being limited to five per person. All right,
all right, because there is a I was just trying to do, easy
man, Now that's fair. I'm I just got rp of the fact that
this place has limited resources. Yeah, no, totally. What kind of
us potions in these? The one Steve n asked about are the potions of
greater healing. They're uncommon. They're one hundred and thirty gold in Caldern.
They restore four D four hit points. Now, a regular potion of healing
would only be seventy and you can get all of those that you want.
Wow, I'm having invariant potions. Well, probably shouldn't say all that you
want within reason? Thirty five thousand potions. Yeah, it's common, but
it's not infinite. So those are seventy and they heal two D four plus
two. And I tell you what I will. I'll do a twenty five
percent chance. Who wants to pick the range? Who's got luck? Did
anyone to have any luck? No? No? All right? Seventy six
to one hundred, Yeah, yeah, do it seventy one? God damn
me, there are no potions of superior healing available? What about and cool
me paranoid? There has been a running theme since the beginning of this podcast,
what about potions of water breathing? Let me have two of those?
Uh, you know, not the worst idea. Let me check the rarity
on that uncommon, but you know what, this is a port town,
so I think there would be a fair chance of y'all being able to find
um, say, maybe two per person. All right, cool, that
brings me in. Those are going to be two hundred goldapop. Yeah,
I'll go in for a couple of those. You know, I'll grab a
couple of those. Yeah, snack, Come on, what about any kind
of armor? Actually, yeah, I have a bunch of gold to burn.
I'm going to see if I can find any plus three studded leather at
no. Okay, So for context, plus three is legendaries. You guys
got the plus three stuff as like big final Quest rewards. Finding plus one
is going to be like a role for the for the hopes. You can
get non enchanted pretty easy, but anything enchanted is going to be a role.
All right, I'd like to Yeah, since I got a magic crossbow,
see if I can double down if they have any magic bolts, they
would not stack FYI, Oh, never mind, unless there's any that have
like condition effects or anything. Again, that's getting into enchanted, but I
can check. Let's see. Yeah, just thrown it out. Yeah,
let's see if there's anything. I'm going to replace my rope, body,
oil, soap and ink, just all the things I use day today.
Ammunition is just straight up in chance him a damage. Nothing that's five fun
on it. That's a shame. I want just approach a marketer randomly and
like, hey, buddy, I'm saving the world tomorrow. If you go,
you got anything that might help me with it? As long as your
gold's gold, I'll hope you save it or destroy it. Well, now
there's a there's a capitalist math. What about a ring of protection? But
about what's the rarity on it? Okay, then probably not. Let me
check some of the lower tier ones are only uncommon though. Let me make
sure no plus one is rare. Gotcha, I see if I can replace
my sunglasses as well. That probably scratched a fuck by Now were those a
wondrous item? Or we did that back and path find it? So I'm
not sure. Yeah, maybe just keep yourself. The only advantage they give
Drew is a minus one on perception. Canonically speaking, I'm not gonna do
any worse. Um, Okay, we'll do. We'll do a five percent
chance for the rares. I don't think we can go anything higher than rare,
but um, Okay, so you want ring of protection. Do you
just want ninety ninety six to one hundred or do you want to pick your
Yeah? Okay, yeah ninety rake all right? Uh? Did anybody have
anything else rare that they wanted to try and get or in common? We
can also roll for uncommon? Just nothing? Nothing higher? Yeah, I'd
like to see if they've got up plus two hand crossbow an all right?
Nothing again, nothing passed plus one? Okay? Do they have any kind
of fun bolts for hand crossbows? Like fire or actually just fire goes fire?
Sadly no, I checked for Bevan a second ago. Ammunition only just
goes straight scale. Now you might be able to find like oils or potions
or stuff. Yeah, let me see if there's anything that well, I'll
tell you what. Why don't we let everybody take the next week to kind
of look through the item index and see if there's anything they'd like to take
a crack at. And for this session, we can switch on over to
the questions that we have been collecting and cultivating over on the discord and the
Facebook. Yes, on the Facebook. All right, on the discord and
the Facebook. Before we start the questions, Dree I'd just like to say
a massive thank you to everyone. Lamp Lighter, one of our Junior adventures
and part of our community, recently had some problems with a very sick dogger
and needed some help with the vet bills, and the other Junior adventurers stepped
right up. So well done all you guys who contribute to that. I'm
very proud of you. Yeah, thank you. A yeah, that's fantastic.
Yeah, all right. Rick ask us a question from the same community
that probably involves a bodily function. Well, that was nicely enough. I
was snarking with them, and our friend Jonah Wilson said, fine, here's
a question for you. I dare you. I dare you to answer this
one. What's the best orchasm you've ever had that wasn't with my mom,
dad or cat? Well man, now, I have to think about it,
obviously with your sister, duh Grandma. I'm not answering that purely because
I think we can get an entire side quest out of it that one I
wrote now, but chansy, Yeah, that's the reason I'm not answering it,
right, all right, twelve We'll move on from that one. I
was I was probably alone. I mean, that's what the side quest conclusion
was going to be. You've rooted. I mean he didn't necessarily say most
reason, he just said best. It was in to your mom's shoes,
all right, Probably probably a question. I'm sure we could have a lot.
We have a lot to say on our friend Kevell Bjorn asks, are
there any updates on Shingles the movie you could share with the audience? Fuck?
Yeah, Should we have talked about this before? Well, we don't
have a definite release date, but we can't say soon. By the time
you listen to this, it will be in the very near future. I
have, I guess the absolute latest, because I just got a few texts
from Steve so One, like, you know, everything is completed, We've
we've we taped a commentary track and such, and pretty much the DVDs and
blue rays are finished, with the exception of us putting our finishing touches on
there and pushing a few buttons to make them make them ready to go.
I'm credit. I can't give an opinion on them because I'm incredibly biased,
but I think it probably is the funniest movie of twenty twenty three. I
was just gonna say that it's definitely the funniest film adaptation of anything I've written
that will come out in twenty twenty three. Well, cage second, I
feel safe saying that. In also fairness, I'm kind of with Steve.
It's like, you know, I like watching comedies, and but it's rare
for me to find a comedy that makes me laugh out loud. And even
though we wrote the fucking jokes, they're still damned funny. Yeah, it
says a lot that our commentary track was largely laughter. I was watching the
trailer for that new Jennifer Lawrence comedy and I thought, nice, try Jennifer
Lawrence. But also fuck you, because Shingles is going to be the funniest
movie to come out in twenty twenty three. Steve, can I ask you
a question, does Jennifer Lawrence shove her hand up in a racist puppets ass?
Well not in the trailer? Okay, then who gives a fuck?
It's obviously it's obviously gonna suck. I mean, if she wants to step
up, that's fine, but she's going to have to do a lot more
puppet fisting. Yeah, it's deinly going to be the most puppet fisting of
any film that's releasing in twenty twenty three. We're going to be nominated for
a lot of different awards. John and we will happily autograph your DVDs at
A and Dcon this August in Portland. And when you pre order your DVDs
you can also click right over and buy your tickets day in Dcon. Oh
yeah, I like to think a couple of years from now, we'll be
sitting next to Warwick Davis. He'll be talking to tell us about all the
LEPrecon movies he did, will be like, you know, yeah, we
would just released Shingles the Movie Part five? Ye Davis about Len I have
one exactly? I mean he hasn't. He's probably very tired of talking the
ballot. I do think there's a good chance that this is going to be
our Mazes and Monsters, if any of us ever actually becomes famous and talented.
Yeah, I think we're gonna be is Shingles A movie is going to
be at least as funny as Maze as a monster something. I'm just gonna
take This movie is a lot funnier. Come and see John's future Albatross.
Come and learn why Joe didn't write, didn't write any shingles that are part
of this movie, because holy shit, Joe has a chance to ever write
write a Disney property the rest of us. No, yep, never,
How Disney could suck my dick? Yeah, honestly, why don't I want
to write for Disney so they cannot pay me? Seriously extra? Just take
a moment. Fuck you, Disney, pay your goddamn authors. You o
contracts to your piece of shit. I'm not afraid of not getting to work
for him. I don't work for free. Fuck them? Actually, stuff,
What kind of got that sorted? Alan Deane Foster got paid, Alan
Deine Foster got paid. Not everybody else got paid? Yeah, we's Mike
check John your asks yesterday. I paid you this week, Steve. I
just I just want this neey to give me some money, Okay, Okay,
that I can't help you, well, I would catch the paycheck.
Absolutely. Question questions that Warwick David's would never want to answer again. Our
friend Zach of All Trades asked, what question would you like to never be
asked again? This one? Yeah, yeah, this one works for me.
I can't think of a better answer than that. The question I never
want to be asked at a convention again, is I haven't finished my book?
Would you like to hear what it's about. I've got an idea for
a book, would you write it with me? And then? Uh yeah,
all right? Mine is do you understand these rights? If I,
as I have said that, I could do without. You know, my
puppies lost in the woods right over there behind that van. Could you come
help me find them? They didn't say, They didn't say. What questions
should you never ask? Again? Yeah, I'm sick of a question.
Hey, where are the puppies? He promised? What do you mean there's
no candy here? That's right written on the side of the van. Oh
well, I made that so dark, I did, pressed myself. Let's
let's have another question. All right. This might be a limited one,
but the sack of old trades. Ask those of you who have gone the
trad pub route any advice for someone wanting to get published. Traditionally, my
first piece of advice is be very nice to people, because you do not
know. Because it's the smaller just might being a big industry, it's also
a very small industry, and people remember how they were treated and how their
friends were treated. Yeah, just be like super nice to people, not
to be all overly indie. But honestly, my first advice for someone who
was asking this question would be, take a look at why you want to
be traditionally published, Like, what is it you're hoping to get out of
that experience? Because the traditional published experience that you might have been led to
expect is not what exists anymore, if it ever did. So it's honestly
my first advice is figure out what you are wanting out of going tradpop and
make sure that they can give it to you and give it to you the
best. Yeah, I'd agree with that. Make sure you know what you
want and make sure that what you want is actually viable. Wouldn't bit of
advice. It's a little bit different, But it came up last night and
the author group I run, and that's uh. You know, if a
publisher approaches you and they asked you to pay for something, fuck no,
get the fuck away from them. That's not a publisher. Yes, you
will not be published traditionally that way. All you will do is be signing
your rights a way to a vanity press who will then genuinely the equivalent of
a van with free candy. Yeah, and then I'm not being hyperbolic.
It's just a predator, there's no other, but with less of a payoff.
Yeah wait, okay, then I'm assuming I'm getting the candy. At
least we're getting laid. My honest to My honest response is you should go
to the author Essentials and a workshops Facebook page and group and sign up and
take the class I taught on exactly this, because I have a four hour
workshop online that goes into the different paths of publication and the pros the cons
of traditional small press, Indie self pub and I teach this, So yeah,
do that because I get like five bucks every time somebody buys the session.
Oh yeah, that's a good plugging opportunity. I have wrote a book
called Underqualified Advice and Other Amusing Distractions that examines the differences in trad pub Indie
and my experiences in both. So you know it's on kid a little limited.
My only advice to being traditionally published is to be already famous, then
write something worthless and a great the entire process and almost Steve, I got
nothing else. Get like a hundred thousand followers on Twitter for posting asinine bullshit
and then publish whatever the fuck you want. I mean, that's how I
picked up Steve. Absolutely, also look into look into writing conferences. As
I sit in a hotel room the night before a writing conference that I produce,
UM, look into writing conferences that have classes on this kind of stuff.
There's probably some reasonably close Jody, Or if you're coming to dragon Con,
Jody Linn, I teaches a very good one day workshop the day before
dragon Con. Buy me a launch at a d con. Go over there,
Facebook, sure thing? You all right, let's see all right?
Our friend Alexander asks how much planning goes into foreshadowing, especially between books in
this series. When you plan to que in an early book, do you
know it will be a clue for a leader book. There are two ways
that goes. You write something and then about well, in my case,
you write something and then about ten chapters later you go, oh, that
was a clue, or you get ten chapters later and something happened you think
I need to clue ten shaft. As a guy, sometimes that happens with
me. Um. Yeah. Also, I will confess sometimes when I'm when
I'm writing a series, I foreshadow things deliberately, not not knowing what I'm
going to do later, but so that I have something to follow up on
later. Yeah, when I'm when I'm writing a book, I will always
drop story hooks in there for myself, um, little little story little snippets
to like enrich the world, but don't really go anywhere in that story.
And then later on, when I actually like need a plot point, I'll
usually go back and fish through my own stuff and make it look like I
know what I'm doing. I'm kind of similar to Stay. Sometimes it's organic.
Sometimes I figure things out and go back and fix it in the rough
draft. But that is the joy of working in a rough draft, as
you can go back and change things. Yeah, also with Joe as well.
But the problem is, you could like foreshadow something really cool, and
if you're writing process is as erratic as mine, you might figure yet that
you full shadowed something cool. Just leave the reader with severe blue bulls for
full shadowing. But I mean you can always go back, like I mean,
you could always what I've been doing that right now. You could always
go back and read your own stuff before you do another book. I could,
but that were acquire more effort I'm willing to pay. Yeah, I'm
kind of with Steve to Uh. Like you know, I was running the
first Critical Failures book. I was well, well, like getting towards the
end of the book when I thought the actual end and thought, well,
I should probably go insert freezer scene in the first chapter or so. Yeah,
that works well with you know, books you haven't published yet. But
um yeah, otherwise, like somebody else said, well, I think it
was Rick but yeah, he deliberately inserts things. I just go back and
scour for things like, yeah, I could I could work something off this,
that'd be Yeah, I'll think I planned that all along. I'm brilliant.
Do you want to move on the next question? All right, our
friend Greg asks, would you ever pull a book from sale if it became
popular with the problematic or terrible subculture? Uh? You know when you give
the specific example, you know, if the KKK adopted build a Vampires their
new menace. God, I haven't answered. I would not pull the book,
but I would take extreme pleasure in punching the people who showed up.
It's like, yeah, and well, and yes, I very much appreciate
you using my book aside example. But but now I'll just say no,
I wouldn't pull it from sale, but I would. I would probably go
back and like you know, and put to a I would make it a
point to just troll the funk out of them every chance, every chance I
get. Um, you know, if if, if, if that were
the case, I guarantee the next book would be like, you know,
build a Vampire Kicking the KKK's asked for like four hundred pages. Yeah,
I feel like that's the move is you just immediately make them the jobbers of
that world not only are the villains, but hill a book. Yeah,
but it might be an excuse to beat up some Nazis, so less roll
I could like deaf of the offer or any coasts so far I'm trying to
the finger wired right that would be adopted as I mean, my my books
are basically like, here's some heavy questions. I don't have the fucking answers
if a cult, if a cult forms around that fat play to him,
that's some dedication. Um No, I can't imagine. I don't know.
You'd have to be pretty severely problematic and I wouldn't know what was happening in
my books to attract a following base purely on that. So I don't know,
puppet fisting, maybe fisty, Yeah, I would say I was thinking
my Shingles books could definitely be taking the wrong way. I think, whatever
up to a convention one day and there's a cult of drunk pay to fuss.
Finally somebody at the guts to put it into print. No, but
when Bob dubs with his one book, what is that potty mouth or so,
it's like, you know, you game it at a certain grown,
then you like the you know, donate the proceeds to the people they hate
most. Yeah, that's another power move, is like, I think that's
probably what I would do, like in addition to what Rick's out of,
like making further books about kicking the shit out of these people, I would
donate a good chunk of the proceeds of the book they had chosen to whatever
victimized group they were going after it. Yeah, if somebody's didn't give you
a platform like that, yeah, you might as well use it. Just
piss all over them as much as you can. All Right. Our friend
Matthew says, now that Shingles the movie is done, which of your books
or characters do you want to make it to screens. All of them.
Oh that's a tough one. Yeah, as many as as will be paid
for. Yeah, right, exactly, justly all of them. But I
I feel like right now, maybe Fred has my most potential to do well
as a as a TV show or something like that, just because Superhero is
a little saturated. Um. But I think Vampire Accountant is one not many
people have tapped. I'm kind of its kind of similar with like with Bill,
because like you know, there's a lot there's some vampire comedies out there
right now, but they're all kind of like PGPG thirteen. I would love
to see, like, you know, just one going to uh HBO or
someplace like that and just be like just just r rated blood, gore,
cursing, sex, all that, all that shit. I think, not
as a movie, but as a limit hit piece of arts. Far into
the Dark would be over the garden wool for angry alcoholics. I maintain what
I've said for a while is that I would absolutely love to see The Drifting
Lands Skyfar and dragon Rod and such as an animated series of some sort.
I think it would make a killer animated series. Yeah, no, do
lends itself to that very well. Yeah, I'd love to see Critical Failures
turn into something probably a long running show, but uh, I wouldn't.
I kind of want to finish it first. But just dude, I don't
know Shingles Moon right now, just stop writing books and make a couple of
hapless TV writers, finish your shipfully, pass everyone off, take the money
and run. And it's been the next like several years being like yeah,
Critical Failures twelve is coming any day now. Yeah, I might finish it
once I find my way off this island IoT our friend Mark, Fuck you,
Mark, uh says, have you any of you've been to dinoh Land,
USA, Disney's Animal Kingdom. There's only one Dino La. Thanks for
bringing up that memory, Mark. It's just the one that lives in Rick's
hut, and I'm going to visit it one day. That's on my bucket
list. I'm gonna go down. I'm gonna just imagine Tidy disappointed Rick,
and I'm gonna laugh and laugh and laugh. God, I can only imagine
how many how many YouTube episodes you can make out of that document A fake.
It's a nice script, it's just make Honestly, I would love nothing
more than just an outing of several of us going to that dinosaur park and
recording it. Hey, Dcon twenty twenty four, that would I mean,
I feel like it'd be cheap. Are you do a card here quick?
Maybe he wants to do a coun What is a coun Tell him fifty bucks.
Just think about that, masteredon. Just tell him not to anger the
Masterton, God, don't anger the master That Masterdon's eyes wouldn't be open even
wider after we were done. Just take the money and don't tell him about
what the souls to attract here, Which means our job for this episode of
Authors and Dragons is accomplished. All right, everybody, thank you so much
for joining us. We'll be back next week with a side question. Then
get in two weeks with a fresh episode of Authors and Dragons. Until then,
bye bye bye, goodbye of friends. Authors and Dragons brought to under
Creative Commons license, meaning you were free to share this material so long as
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