1 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:24,839 Fuck. Going on Welcome Back, episode two of Conversations behind fuck what didnna 2 00:00:24,839 --> 00:00:30,480 call it? Damn? Oh? The con vote before the pot, something 3 00:00:30,519 --> 00:00:34,119 like that convote before the pot. It's me Eric Dizzy and I'm in here 4 00:00:34,119 --> 00:00:39,039 with my brother Byron today. Byron has been on almost every single series that 5 00:00:39,079 --> 00:00:43,640 I have produced. Outside of season one and two. You wasn't on season 6 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:47,600 one and you one on season two. You was on season three though you 7 00:00:47,719 --> 00:00:51,280 and Jones came throw in the clutch during COVID that was I really do appreciate 8 00:00:51,359 --> 00:00:56,240 that. But the reason why I like recording, You know, how Howard 9 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,679 Stern, you mean it's not tightening up. It is, but it's just 10 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,520 gonna go. But to keep falling, probably gotta move in, moving in 11 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:07,760 front of you. Then gotta move the stand. But moved at the thing. 12 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,799 You can move in. You can move all that shit out the way. 13 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:15,359 But Howard Stern records with a compressor on his voice, so he get 14 00:01:15,439 --> 00:01:19,840 to talk real low like this. So a lot of podcasters how they got 15 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:29,319 to talk real loud and shit because of the the equipment. You probably gonna 16 00:01:29,359 --> 00:01:37,959 make that arm shorter and then bring it closer to you. I think it's 17 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,040 too heavy possible, but uh, I wanted to talk. I wanted to 18 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:48,159 talk to you real quick. How we warm up our vocales about stress, 19 00:01:49,519 --> 00:01:57,920 growing up with trauma and how that affects relationships and the doctor. Okay, 20 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:04,359 because I'm at the age now, but you're a little bit older than me. 21 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:08,840 But I because we went through all that shit that we went through. 22 00:02:09,159 --> 00:02:14,960 But in regards with losing a mile of girls, people's I'm and Nigga. 23 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:20,240 A few friends of mine getting killed in the city. I think I think 24 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,879 like three of them got killed and like a couple months of each other, 25 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:30,000 like in high school or from high school. But recently, yeah, so 26 00:02:30,479 --> 00:02:35,439 killed in the streets. Bring it up a little higher. Now Nigga's from 27 00:02:35,479 --> 00:02:40,159 high school with smoke in the streets. And then a few of my family 28 00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:45,879 members catching getting cancer and stuff like that. Um, I got two family 29 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:47,520 members in the hospital now with that ship and she got it. She just 30 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:53,479 had another cousin. She just had a cousin get diagnosed with cancer. So 31 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:57,639 it's like it's like all around me, it's everywhere. It feel like, 32 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:00,919 bro, I feel like it's every fucking where. Death. Yeah, I 33 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:05,759 feel like it's all around me. Then quiet has kept I mean nigga logging 34 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:12,639 online and seeing nip seeing, Uh, what's the nigga from Philly they got 35 00:03:12,719 --> 00:03:21,879 killed? Uh Light skinning Rapper PNB ro PNB fucking pop nigga. Nigga. 36 00:03:22,879 --> 00:03:25,960 We've lost more rapped nigga. The nineties nigga, we lost Easy E two 37 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:32,319 Black and Biggie that was it more. But yeah, Big Gail, I 38 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:36,639 don't even he wasn't he won't even pop it though. But you're right, 39 00:03:36,719 --> 00:03:40,439 Big Gail. But now I feel like everywhere I turned then you still got 40 00:03:40,479 --> 00:03:46,000 George Floyd, you still got nigga. We're still getting killed by the police. 41 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,719 So everywhere we turn, I feel like death is there rather as by 42 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:59,719 by force or as by health. And I ain't gonna my My body just 43 00:03:59,879 --> 00:04:02,719 is tense, I said a lot. So my body's really immobile. So 44 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:09,080 trying to get that back back right in tight. But going to the doctor 45 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,639 getting blood work done was scary. As a black man, it was really 46 00:04:12,639 --> 00:04:15,199 scary because I didn't know. I mean, it's kind of like getting the 47 00:04:15,199 --> 00:04:19,560 mother fucking STD tests. It's kind of like, am I going to die? 48 00:04:20,439 --> 00:04:29,519 Lay it on me slow, Paulse. But I feel I don't I 49 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:34,360 don't feel like I'm I feel like I feel like I feel like God loved 50 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:41,399 me. But I also feel like there's another force out there that's very strong, 51 00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:45,759 that is kind of out of my hands. The food that we eat, 52 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,639 the stress that's constantly upon us. Rather it's the news. Rather, 53 00:04:49,759 --> 00:04:54,879 it's the COVID. Rather, it's the streets. Rather, it's seeing people 54 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:58,279 die, like all that shit just hanging over my shoulder or our shoulder. 55 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,519 I don't really know. Sometimes I don't know if I'm stressed or not. 56 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,279 I could be stressing, it could be this. This could be the feeling 57 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:05,800 of stress. It could be the tension, it could be all of that. 58 00:05:05,879 --> 00:05:10,120 But the doctor was like you fine, but just like you said you 59 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,879 wouldn't got way and he told you won't wait and you wanted two other scales 60 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,519 outside of that, and there was another weight. I don't know if my 61 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,319 doctor, I don't know if I should trust my doctor or not. Man, 62 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:24,519 you know, uh, that's big as far as you know black men, 63 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,920 as far as when it comes to mistrust, I think black people period 64 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,680 when it comes to mistrust with your doctor. Man, Like I got a 65 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,680 black doctor and he don't never really try to push nothing on me. You 66 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:39,079 know what I mean. I tell him what it is that I got going 67 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,319 on, he might send me to a specialist or something like that. UM. 68 00:05:43,519 --> 00:05:46,279 Case in point, why I got to go to the doctor this coming 69 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:53,040 Monday. Um. But I think that's uh, you know, as history 70 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,759 tells it. You know what I mean, black man, you shouldn't trust 71 00:05:55,759 --> 00:06:01,879 going to the doctor. Uh. At the same time, oh no, 72 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,000 I think, like, so are you going when you go? When you 73 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,879 go to the doctor, what's you're going? Just because of like normal health 74 00:06:08,959 --> 00:06:12,199 check that you felt like something's wrong with you. Nigga, My back, 75 00:06:12,399 --> 00:06:14,839 Nigga, my back was so tight, and again I thought that I was 76 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,560 dying. Bro. I thought something. I thought, nigga, for sure 77 00:06:16,879 --> 00:06:19,680 something was in there killing me. But it was like, Noah, nigga, 78 00:06:19,759 --> 00:06:23,759 you straight. I want to get all my blood work John again, 79 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,720 nigga check. I had him check everything. Bro, I had him check. 80 00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:32,600 I don't like then my wife let my kids crying when I'm recording, 81 00:06:33,439 --> 00:06:40,040 just a little insider, but uh, I feel like I just want to 82 00:06:40,079 --> 00:06:44,079 get like normal regular shit. My wife was like, just go get checked 83 00:06:44,079 --> 00:06:47,360 out. So I did, and everything came back fine. But it's probably 84 00:06:47,399 --> 00:06:50,800 just some muscle ship. It is a muscle ship, muscle weakness and shit, 85 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:58,560 but and being having having that bro and we're just gonna be fully transparent. 86 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:04,079 Having this pain has been like the most eye opening experience I've ever experienced 87 00:07:04,079 --> 00:07:09,519 in my life, because you don't feel indestructible no more. I always felt 88 00:07:09,519 --> 00:07:12,800 destructible. That's just the trauma. But it makes me, it makes me 89 00:07:12,879 --> 00:07:17,279 fully analyze, like my body and it's understanding just how how connected everything is, 90 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:21,680 you know what I'm saying, Like I don't know, just like sitting 91 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:25,480 and observing the pain, where is it coming from? And what I what 92 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:29,079 do I need to actively do to get rid of it? And I feel 93 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:33,680 like that I mean and that that is like Beau, like the muscle tightness, 94 00:07:33,759 --> 00:07:36,800 Like I can't even sit and really focus on and do and do work 95 00:07:36,879 --> 00:07:43,240 because it prevents me from like really focusing. But it makes me think about 96 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:48,959 it like it's pain. So the pain that I'm feeling prevents me from focusing 97 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,560 on what's in front of me. But some people have that pain, it's 98 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,879 like trauma inside their mind and their hearts, so that that pain that they 99 00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:00,199 father gave them, what they or their mother gave them, that it is 100 00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:03,600 sitting in the forefront of their brain. They can't they can't even focus on 101 00:08:03,639 --> 00:08:05,600 what's in front of them or really process what's really in front of them because 102 00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:09,839 they process it with that, with that trauma. And that's how I've been 103 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:15,480 realizing myself, like, am I fucking myself? Have I been sucking myself 104 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:22,319 up and subconsciously the pain or the trauma that I've endured growing up that I 105 00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:26,680 just thought was normal, like how I respond to people or how I developed 106 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:33,799 my friendships and this, like it's really been like therapeutic. Almost as bad 107 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,320 as I may hurt some days, and I ain't gonna say hurt, but 108 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:43,399 emotionally and physically physically, as bad as I may hurt some days, I 109 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:46,360 have to realize that it ain't nobody else's fault. So I can't get mad 110 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,919 at anybody else. I can't lash out on anybody else. I can't not 111 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,960 work. I can't just lay in a bed because it's gonna make it worse, 112 00:08:54,279 --> 00:08:58,200 you know what I'm saying, Like like not moving makes it worse. 113 00:08:58,279 --> 00:09:03,279 So I can't really But I'm just thinking about how I've allowed back in the 114 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,919 day, I I've allowed trauma to cripple me to where I didn't really want 115 00:09:07,919 --> 00:09:13,240 to fuck with nobody. Don't really want to do nothing because emotionally I was 116 00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:18,759 fucked up. So I'm climbing out of it. It's better now, you 117 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:22,759 know what I'm saying now that I'm actively trying to fix it. But the 118 00:09:22,799 --> 00:09:24,919 doctor, I just he they didn't know, Bro. They sent me to 119 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:28,159 like they sent me to a mock physical therapist. They was just having me 120 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,600 do the same ship that I was already doing at home. They didn't really 121 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:35,159 know. They wanted to send me to get an mr Ride And then I 122 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,240 was I ain't about to pay a thousand dollars for y'all to tell me that 123 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:41,360 this muscle shit if you think it's a nerve issue or bro. Some days 124 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:46,840 it's there and some days it's not. So one day I went to the 125 00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:48,600 gym, did the workout, nigga, and I came home in the house 126 00:09:48,639 --> 00:09:56,399 fine. So it's just the doctor really ain't The doctors really ain't. I 127 00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:01,240 don't know, they really ain't as helpful. They just called that they do 128 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,840 just that they do. It just costs like a motherfucker. So I'm trying 129 00:10:05,879 --> 00:10:09,919 to and as a black man, I don't want that as a black man. 130 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,240 If I pay you, I want something to return. I definitely need 131 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,360 some results. I definitely like I had a hell of a doctor bill come 132 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,279 to me because like I was having some like chest pains in the middle of 133 00:10:20,279 --> 00:10:26,480 the night and that's scary as yeah, Like sometimes it wake me up out 134 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,639 of my sleep. And I told my mom about it, and she was 135 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:33,080 like, man, oh, and go to the doctor. Man just she 136 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:37,960 was like, go to the emergency room. I'm like, man, I 137 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,080 don't want to go to the emergency room. I know. I went a 138 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:43,960 couple of years ago and they did an e K g ummy you know, 139 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,120 did it did a couple of things on my heart or whatever because they thought 140 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:50,279 something was wrong with me and that that might be put potentially the case. 141 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:56,120 And I did all that, they told me nothing's wrong with me, you 142 00:10:56,120 --> 00:11:01,679 know what I mean. So I was like, damn, yep, I 143 00:11:01,759 --> 00:11:05,600 still gotta pay. And then I gotta pay an exorbitant amount, like I 144 00:11:05,639 --> 00:11:07,440 get a build for like twenty five hundred dollars, you know what I mean, 145 00:11:09,519 --> 00:11:11,679 and all of that just for you to tell me nothing was wrong with 146 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:18,320 me, you know what I mean? And then I think about you know, 147 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:26,960 uh so dj Indiana Jones resting peace bro Yeah, like rest in peace 148 00:11:26,039 --> 00:11:31,240 bro Um. He went to the doctor, you know what I mean, 149 00:11:31,279 --> 00:11:33,720 He went to like he was saying, something's wrong with his chest. He 150 00:11:33,799 --> 00:11:41,360 went to an urgent care center and they sent him home, you know what 151 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,639 I mean, tell them nothing was wrong, and they sent him home. 152 00:11:43,799 --> 00:11:46,720 And he went home, and then his brother found him there. A couple 153 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:52,960 of years, a couple of hours later, I be dead. Yeah, 154 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,399 so I'm like, damn, man, when when I think about ship like 155 00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:01,080 that, I'm like, man, well maybe I do need to go get 156 00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:03,799 checked, just because like I don't want that to be my story. Bro. 157 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:09,720 The so what's twenty five hundred dollars? You know what I mean? 158 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,639 Because that one time you think something might not be wrong, shit, something 159 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:22,639 might be. The tricky thing about it is I think that I told the 160 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:26,240 doctor this. I was like, I feel like human beings are robots. 161 00:12:28,639 --> 00:12:33,120 Actually I know we are robots, and I feel like we don't know how 162 00:12:33,159 --> 00:12:37,559 to fully use our body. So like the iPhone or your car, Like 163 00:12:39,399 --> 00:12:41,120 I don't know if you're not the work on cars, but I don't know 164 00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:43,639 how to work on cars at all. I know a little bit. I 165 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,279 know. I know I know to put oil in that motherfucker. I know 166 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,600 to put any freeze in that motherfucker. I know to put gas in that 167 00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:50,559 motherfucker. I know the check, I know the brakes need to be done 168 00:12:50,759 --> 00:12:54,759 if certain sounds. But I don't know about the motherfucking car. But I 169 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,200 dried it, motherfucking I rely on this motherfucker. But I feel like I 170 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,360 feel like that about my body. I feel like I'm in this. I 171 00:13:01,399 --> 00:13:03,559 feel like I'm in this vessel, and I really don't understand the mechanics of 172 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,519 it. I don't understand why. I don't why I shouldn't eat what I 173 00:13:07,519 --> 00:13:09,159 should what I'm eating, and why I should eat certain foods. I don't 174 00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:13,639 feel I don't understand the importance of sleep like I But even if I did 175 00:13:13,799 --> 00:13:18,039 understand it, do my finances or do my situation allow me to follow this 176 00:13:18,039 --> 00:13:20,960 this motherfucking instruction, guy, then my body should have came with that. 177 00:13:22,039 --> 00:13:26,279 It didn't come with And I feel like black man, especially especially black man, 178 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:31,519 do not understand the importance of our cardiovascular That's what I'm starting to realize, 179 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:39,159 like how how we are training our hearts so like jumping jumping rope has 180 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,759 really been my savior. Like, regardless of how tight I am, I 181 00:13:41,879 --> 00:13:46,440 get out there my fucking jump regardless. So I think that's why I still 182 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,679 look like I still work out a lot, but I don't. I might 183 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,360 work out like once a week, but if I get if I can get 184 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,000 down there and jump rope and then you know what I mean. But the 185 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:58,080 other way, you know it, Nigga, I got a three pound one 186 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,440 and a one pound one and then beating my ass. But I jumped over 187 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:05,679 for like fifteen minutes straight, not I mean obviously not straight because I'm motherfucking 188 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,679 winded like a motherfucker down. But um, I feel like every black person 189 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:16,759 should really, if anything, get get your motherfucking heart rate up, because 190 00:14:16,759 --> 00:14:20,559 I feel like the foods that we eat, it makes it makes the blood 191 00:14:20,559 --> 00:14:24,639 in our bodies and make the blood vessels and shit like clam up. And 192 00:14:24,679 --> 00:14:28,960 I feel like unless we exercise to push the blood through that motherfucking and and 193 00:14:28,039 --> 00:14:35,960 take vitamins and ship to replenish our plenish our shit, um, we were 194 00:14:35,039 --> 00:14:41,039 selling ourselves short. And I honestly feel like, I know, I know, 195 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,639 we don't look at people that are at the doctor's office like niggas that 196 00:14:43,679 --> 00:14:46,759 work at Wendy's. But I'm starting to realize the niggas that work at Wendy's 197 00:14:46,879 --> 00:14:50,440 and the niggas that our doctors might be the same type of niggas. Like 198 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,000 the niggas that work at Wendy's. They just therefore a check and I and 199 00:14:54,039 --> 00:14:58,600 I was like, man, I nigga about to go through sixteen years of 200 00:14:58,639 --> 00:15:03,039 school. However, many school eight years of school to be a shitty doctor. 201 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,519 But it might be a social standard like that might be their version of 202 00:15:07,559 --> 00:15:11,399 working at the Wendy's for their family, like they might be that might have 203 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:18,000 been pressured into being a doctor. Man. The doctor is right human and 204 00:15:18,039 --> 00:15:24,480 there's really no difference between your doctor and your your local dope man, for 205 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,960 real. It's just it's just say, it's a it's a they pushing legal 206 00:15:28,039 --> 00:15:33,320 dope. They get you, Yeah, they get you in there and they 207 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:37,039 give you something to treat you. But they're not gonna kill you, nah, 208 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:41,519 because they're gonna put you on this pill that get you to keep coming 209 00:15:41,559 --> 00:15:46,480 back. Man. My dad was telling me about his best friend Um that 210 00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:50,240 past. He said his wife recently found all of his pills under the saint 211 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,720 they used for the take to um for him not to die, but he 212 00:15:54,799 --> 00:15:58,679 ended up he ended up having a heart attack and then he he he ended 213 00:15:58,759 --> 00:16:03,759 up having a stroke and then had a heart attack or had a heart attack 214 00:16:03,759 --> 00:16:07,480 and they had a stroke either. But he wasn't taking his pills because his 215 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,559 pills made him feel funny it dick won't working all the type of shit. 216 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,039 And I was asking my dad. I was like, damn, do you 217 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,679 think it was worth it? And he was like, well, shit, 218 00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:18,720 if you if you can't function, if you can't function while you here, 219 00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:23,279 didn't off these pills, they'll keep you here, but you won't be able 220 00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:26,879 to function like your normal self. You won't be able to walk, you 221 00:16:26,039 --> 00:16:29,720 know, you light headed and shit like that. Like he was like he 222 00:16:29,799 --> 00:16:32,120 wasn't trying to do that shit. So he went out. But I was 223 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,480 like, damn, I just hope that didn't hurt you know what I'm saying. 224 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,600 But I wonder how what stressed that left for his wife to find that, 225 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,919 Like I can't imagine. I can't imagine not taking pills and then my 226 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,879 wife being like she found him, she might have felt like, oh, 227 00:16:45,919 --> 00:16:47,759 I didn't want to be here for her. I didn't want to try it 228 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:52,080 for her, and I don't really want that, like my girl, me, 229 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,879 me being a father now, like I really want to be here for 230 00:16:53,919 --> 00:17:00,600 them. So I'm really I'm really scared because one thing my father in law 231 00:17:00,639 --> 00:17:03,000 just kept talking about was he thought he had more time and listeners. I'm 232 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:07,200 sorry if this is boring to y'all, but black men talking about health y'all, 233 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,000 I need to listen up. I don't give it. I do care, 234 00:17:10,039 --> 00:17:12,359 but I don't care because black man don't talk about this enough. I 235 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:17,079 felt like I felt like once he felt like. Once my father in law 236 00:17:17,279 --> 00:17:19,279 was knew that he was on his way out. The one thing he kept 237 00:17:19,279 --> 00:17:22,599 saying is that he thought he had more time, but he was sixty five 238 00:17:22,279 --> 00:17:25,400 something in my head, nigga, how much time you thought you had? 239 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:29,720 Because Wikipedia tell you that sixty five is one black man posted die. So 240 00:17:30,039 --> 00:17:33,799 if I'm looking at that, if I'm looking at that, I'm thirty six, 241 00:17:33,839 --> 00:17:34,440 I feel like, all right, wellkay, all right, cool, 242 00:17:34,519 --> 00:17:41,480 then let me let me let me at least try to live on purpose. 243 00:17:41,559 --> 00:17:44,359 Now. If I wasn't trying to live on purpose at first, I was 244 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,440 just out here. You know what I'm saying, but now, let me 245 00:17:47,759 --> 00:17:52,000 work on my heart a little bit, me be a little bit more mindful 246 00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:52,960 of what I'm eating, you know what I'm saying. Shit like that. 247 00:17:53,000 --> 00:18:00,799 But I just felt like I just felt like the doctor was like, your 248 00:18:00,799 --> 00:18:06,480 results are fine, it's only your head. Go home. I'm like, 249 00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:11,160 Nigga, I feel something. Nigga, I feel something, but I don't 250 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:15,279 know how like stress, Like I didn't I didn't really understand what stress was. 251 00:18:15,519 --> 00:18:18,559 I didn't really know what it was. And I guess I've been living 252 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:23,599 under stressed my entire life, my entire life. So dude, that's so 253 00:18:23,759 --> 00:18:32,680 your emotional health is fucking with your physical health. Yeah, yeah, uh 254 00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:37,359 I think that. Yeah. I think depression could do that too, one 255 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:41,039 thousand percent, you know what I mean. So uh And I think I 256 00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:44,400 think that we have a lot of functional depressions people depressed people out here. 257 00:18:44,599 --> 00:18:48,079 Yeah. Yeah, I think I was there for real, Yeah, for 258 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,279 how long? H maybe about a year year or so, just in it. 259 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,000 Yeah I didn't know you was in it, Nope, just close to 260 00:18:55,039 --> 00:19:00,680 it. And like in that time, like just I got fat, you 261 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,480 know what I mean, eating whatever the fuck I'm ont too. And I 262 00:19:03,599 --> 00:19:07,079 think I'm coming out of it, like dealing with like my actual emotional health 263 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:11,599 and shit. Uh your pops and ship after during the time, or was 264 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:18,119 you that was part of it, you know? Uh, yeah, that 265 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,559 was part of I was dealing with that. Oh I was dealing with a 266 00:19:21,599 --> 00:19:23,359 break up at the time, you know what I mean? It was I 267 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,359 was dealing with a lot of shit, and it was just like all of 268 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:30,960 that shit was just powered up on me for a little bit, and like 269 00:19:32,079 --> 00:19:34,880 I was still coasting, you know. Uh, but I didn't. I 270 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,960 didn't know what it was. I was moving through life like everything was cool, 271 00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:42,599 uh, just because I felt like, shit, it's people out here 272 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:48,519 depending on me, So I got to continue to got to continue to move 273 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,960 and shit, I was doing that. But at the same time, I 274 00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:56,759 wasn't really worried about damn, Like when you moving, you can't you don't. 275 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:03,000 I don't have a chance to really worry about how I'm philly because I 276 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:08,839 got shit. I got Yeah what what travers say? Uh? Um, 277 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,079 that should make me nervous. I got shit to do what it? Damn, 278 00:20:12,079 --> 00:20:15,079 I can't think of it's a song of birds in the trap. But 279 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,519 basically the time about I got I just got too much shit to do to 280 00:20:18,519 --> 00:20:23,799 be worried about that. Damn. I never thought about it like that because 281 00:20:23,839 --> 00:20:33,359 you almost it's almost like fuck your feelings, nigga. Yeah, it ain't 282 00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:37,279 even like it ain't like my girl telling me that, but it's like the 283 00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:41,319 world telling me that, because you know, with this podcast and ship bro, 284 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,640 it's I think I might have put I'm I when I when I wasn't 285 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:52,200 doing Black Widow, q Code had hit me with like two projects. First 286 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,920 project to hit me with Nigga, it was paying me a thousand a week, 287 00:20:56,799 --> 00:21:00,759 and then my Patreon is a thousand uh a month, so I was 288 00:21:00,799 --> 00:21:04,359 making more money than I had and I just and I think that's when I 289 00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:07,039 climbed out of it. Because I wasn't doing Black Woodow I meaning I wasn't 290 00:21:07,039 --> 00:21:10,720 writing script, I wasn't editing the script. I wasn't crunching for time. 291 00:21:10,759 --> 00:21:15,039 I wasn't begging people to be patrons. I wasn't begging people to come over. 292 00:21:15,519 --> 00:21:18,720 I wasn't begging. I wasn't having to deal with cancelations like I don't 293 00:21:18,759 --> 00:21:22,400 think people really understand like all of the shit that comes with this, Like 294 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:26,119 I got canceled on this morning. She's in the first two episodes, and 295 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:30,240 I'm like, fuck, I gotta recast this person. I gotta reach out 296 00:21:30,279 --> 00:21:33,759 to motherfucker's But then I can't be mad if a motherfucker don't come because I 297 00:21:33,799 --> 00:21:34,920 can't pay. You know what I'm saying, I'm not making enough money to 298 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,839 pay motherfuckers. So I'm thankful for I'm thankful for when people can come, 299 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,039 but I'm also understanding who can't come, but they don't mean that I'm not 300 00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:45,000 shitty, So then I gotta scavenger or this and that and that, and 301 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:48,079 I still gotta mix it and it might not sound I didn't realize how much 302 00:21:48,079 --> 00:21:51,720 stressed I was putting on myself. Bro, I was putting a lot of 303 00:21:51,759 --> 00:21:55,319 stress on myself. A ship hunt, that stress on myself, like whenever 304 00:21:55,359 --> 00:22:00,680 a pat or patron leave Patreon, it felt like niggas a knife was going 305 00:22:00,759 --> 00:22:03,559 like damn, I wasn't I'm not doing something right, but I'm trying. 306 00:22:03,599 --> 00:22:08,599 I'm doing as much as I can. Like my trauma, see if you 307 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:15,359 get see if you can feel this, my trauma was making me take this 308 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:22,039 shit more personally than I should have been taking it. Like my constant need 309 00:22:22,599 --> 00:22:30,759 for validation, and then people commenting and saying, oh, this went left, 310 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,720 or this don't sound as good, or it's not consistent. This this, 311 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,240 this, it felt like a personal stab to me. I'm trying my 312 00:22:37,279 --> 00:22:41,359 best and that had me feeling a certain type of way. So here I 313 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:45,039 am working with these white folks at UK and I love man. I'm saying 314 00:22:45,039 --> 00:22:47,759 white folks, but they are they are all white. I am usually the 315 00:22:47,799 --> 00:22:52,799 only nigga on the zoom that's a that's a mixtape title, but I am 316 00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:57,599 I'm usually the only nigga in the zoom bro. And my trauma was making 317 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:03,079 me act differently to them. It was making me I was taking the ship 318 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:07,720 that they were saying to me the wrong way. Yeah. And then the 319 00:23:07,799 --> 00:23:11,920 first project, first project didn't get One of the chick's emailed me outside of 320 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:17,519 the chain and she was like, relax, why are you She was like, 321 00:23:17,559 --> 00:23:19,880 you you know what you're doing. Why are you keep emailing us asking 322 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,039 us if you're doing it right? Because I had sent her two emails like 323 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:26,279 is this better than us? She was just like, yo, you're supposed 324 00:23:26,319 --> 00:23:30,759 to be here. And I was like, oh bet, and then something 325 00:23:30,799 --> 00:23:37,319 just said I just started knocking that shit out, but the stress and guessing 326 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:38,839 yourself. Yeah, bro, I do this shit in my sleep. Bro, 327 00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:41,880 I do this shit in my sleep. Recently, I did something else 328 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:48,880 for q Coode and I had smoked And did you ever did you watch them? 329 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,640 Because you are a little tap it older than me, so you might 330 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:59,160 not have watched. Did you watch Fantasy Factory MTV? You didn't watch none 331 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,759 of that? Ship? Whatever's the guy on there called dirt like Tommy? 332 00:24:00,759 --> 00:24:06,119 He was part of that. Is that rob dirty shit? Yeah? There 333 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:10,079 was another there was another crew on there that was doing crazy shit like Jackass, 334 00:24:10,079 --> 00:24:15,680 but it was all motor sports related. Anyway. I had smoked and 335 00:24:15,759 --> 00:24:21,440 the dudes um scene was U. He had fell in the phone pit. 336 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:25,039 Gas was coming out of the gasket and he was he was drowning on He 337 00:24:25,079 --> 00:24:26,880 had jumped in the phone pit on a dirt bike to do a backflip and 338 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,240 he couldn't get out, so he was trapped under the bike and gas was 339 00:24:30,279 --> 00:24:33,400 coming out and he was trying to hed he wasn't. He was breathing in 340 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:37,880 the fun so he started hallucinating. So Nigga, I had one into a 341 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,400 crazy ass. I had this some sound designed it. I had never done 342 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,559 before. Bro, and I was so nervous because I had spent so much 343 00:24:44,559 --> 00:24:45,440 time. I ain't spent that much time on it, but I spent like 344 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,240 a day on it. I sent it to him, I was like, 345 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:52,799 fuck it, and he he spent a day and a half doing something else. 346 00:24:52,799 --> 00:24:53,319 So he did and hit me back and I was like, fuck, 347 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:56,480 did I fucked this up? Then he texted me was like, what the 348 00:24:56,519 --> 00:25:00,240 fuck? That's that's the first thing he said. I was like, my 349 00:25:00,319 --> 00:25:03,000 gut dropped. And the second one was like this shit sounds so fucking good 350 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:07,400 that I said, oh, but I had blacked out, Bro, I 351 00:25:07,559 --> 00:25:11,000 really just blacked out. That was the first time that I was just sound 352 00:25:11,039 --> 00:25:15,759 designer, like just just do your own thing. But it felt so good 353 00:25:15,839 --> 00:25:19,000 to get that validation back because I don't get that validation where black Woo, 354 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,400 I don't get I might record at midnight, actress might come over here at 355 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,880 midnight, one of them warning to do some shit. And then I released 356 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,359 the episode and I don't get no comments, no nothing, no nothing, 357 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,960 and this like was it good? And then the Patreon members, so it's 358 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,839 like it's so many contributing factors. Bro, And I think that that might 359 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:41,880 have might have had, So you got I'm dealing with that during COVID and 360 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:45,880 a new baby and the death. I think all of these things have been 361 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:52,440 factoring in into like my physical health to the point to where maybe days right, 362 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,680 but like is it worth it? But then what else do I do? 363 00:25:56,440 --> 00:26:00,680 I think that's one of the perils of in an entrepreneur. Yeah, 364 00:26:00,759 --> 00:26:07,000 you know what I mean, because you're not really all of this for what 365 00:26:07,039 --> 00:26:11,440 it's saying, Like, man, it's like you don't have the security of 366 00:26:14,039 --> 00:26:17,960 well I think you kind of do that with Q code all the time, 367 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:22,640 but yeah, with you right, yeah, but like because that's that's what 368 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:26,000 I mean, that's that's that's that's part of the manhood, right yeah, 369 00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:33,440 yeah, because yeah, you're right, the security and then feeling like I 370 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:37,400 don't have any grip on it, yeah, and and being you know, 371 00:26:37,559 --> 00:26:41,039 stressed on top of that, you did you grow up? How how toxic 372 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:47,400 is your mother? Not very much? My mama toxics fu. Yeah. 373 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,559 So that so now I have to tell myself that my wife is not my 374 00:26:51,599 --> 00:26:55,440 mom, you know what I'm saying. So my wife is not critiquing me 375 00:26:55,559 --> 00:26:57,480 like my mother would. My wife is not my mom. Basically, my 376 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:02,000 wife is not my mom. So I think a lot of the pressure that 377 00:27:02,039 --> 00:27:04,359 I'm putting on myself is because I'm acting as if my wife is my mom. 378 00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:07,960 You know what I'm saying, like this under a microscope all the time, 379 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:12,119 everything that you knew, every motherfucking thing and everything. And then my 380 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,400 wife ain't even checking from me like that, like she ain't even putting that 381 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:21,359 pressure on me. And and that ship, that ship was interfering with our 382 00:27:21,559 --> 00:27:25,319 relationship until I had and like I said, until this pain came, I 383 00:27:25,319 --> 00:27:30,000 had to start really looking within and see, Okay, is this causing it? 384 00:27:30,079 --> 00:27:33,359 Is that causing it? And now I'm going I'm looking at her like 385 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:40,039 and my causing and my causing most of this because of me being reactive to 386 00:27:40,039 --> 00:27:42,960 shit that ain't even happening. Yeah, but that the stress. Shit, 387 00:27:44,039 --> 00:27:47,240 I don't How did you? How did you? How did you know that 388 00:27:47,319 --> 00:27:51,640 you how did you realize that you was in an under this depression spell? 389 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:55,799 And then how did you start climbing your way out of it? Um? 390 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,039 Because I feel like I feel like if we get into that conversation and then 391 00:27:59,079 --> 00:28:03,400 the women listening to this might be able to identify when they niggas is stressed 392 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,319 out man to keep in a book. Man, I don't know, man, 393 00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:11,240 it was just like I just wasn't feeling well. I'm wasn't feeling like 394 00:28:11,279 --> 00:28:21,039 myself, like my normal And the thing about it was nobody knew it, 395 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:26,319 you know what I mean? Because yeah, yeah, nobody knew that I 396 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:30,079 was really going through. Nobody knew I was drowning. Yeah, because like 397 00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:33,160 when I go out and shit, I'm my normal self, you know what 398 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,480 I mean. I do, I'm normally who I'm being because I know how 399 00:28:36,519 --> 00:28:40,319 to be social. But when I'm sitting by myself and it's just me and 400 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:45,359 my thoughts, yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, it's like, 401 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:48,359 man, goddamn, and it takes forever, like you don't want to 402 00:28:48,359 --> 00:28:51,160 get off the couch, or take you longer to get off the couch than 403 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:56,119 you normally would like it ain't nobody really bounce what you going off of, 404 00:28:56,279 --> 00:28:59,759 and like you can't really talk about what you're really going through with nobody because 405 00:28:59,759 --> 00:29:04,119 you're don't want to feel like less than a week Yeah, well, I 406 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:08,240 think we've tapped I think we've tapped into I think we're starting to tap into 407 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:15,599 a really good conversation. Do you do you feel like you can never be 408 00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:23,079 as honest about how you really feel to your woman? Oh, let me 409 00:29:23,119 --> 00:29:30,480 rephrase that. If the the Titanic, so you say you just say you 410 00:29:30,559 --> 00:29:37,240 just the captain of the Titanic. You can't panic. So no, you 411 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,759 gotta hold on too. I can't go I can't go to her and be 412 00:29:40,839 --> 00:29:42,720 like, hey, I'm really stressed that we were goot to hit this motherfucking 413 00:29:42,799 --> 00:29:45,200 thing. She's gonna look at you like when they can figure it out. 414 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:49,480 At least that's what I think she's gonna say. She might have a very 415 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:53,039 good solution to my problem too, But I don't. I don't want to. 416 00:29:53,119 --> 00:29:57,799 I don't want to go to my wife and and and disclose these securities 417 00:29:57,799 --> 00:30:00,599 that I have about the ships thinking, because I don't want her thinking that 418 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:03,799 I I'm not really trying to keep the ship from sinking. I'm really trying 419 00:30:03,799 --> 00:30:10,480 to keep the ship from sinking, but I'm struggling mentally because I don't know 420 00:30:10,519 --> 00:30:12,920 what I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah, do you ever feel like that? 421 00:30:14,559 --> 00:30:18,279 Hell? Yeah all the time. Yeah. I'm happy that I've I've 422 00:30:18,319 --> 00:30:21,680 asked that question because I'd be like I don't know. I don't. I 423 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,599 don't think I've ever asked a man that question, like do you ever do 424 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:26,759 you ever? Like, I'll be looking at my family, like what the 425 00:30:26,759 --> 00:30:29,599 fuck' supposed to be doing right now? Man? The thing about like having 426 00:30:29,599 --> 00:30:33,039 a family and ship, Man, there's no instruction man though it's not bro, 427 00:30:33,319 --> 00:30:34,160 you know what I mean? So you learn it on the fly. 428 00:30:36,759 --> 00:30:40,000 Uh, and you can take input from other people. But shit, you're 429 00:30:40,039 --> 00:30:45,559 dealing with somebody completely different then they might have dealt with you know what I 430 00:30:45,599 --> 00:30:48,240 mean. So I had to realize, Bro, then I'm the only man. 431 00:30:48,279 --> 00:30:52,359 I'm the only only nigga in my circle that's married with three children by 432 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:56,559 the same person, all on the three. I'm the only Nigger I know 433 00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:02,640 that I ever had kids that these man, this many kids were the same 434 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:08,440 woman at this time. So there's nobody I can really ask for guidance, 435 00:31:08,599 --> 00:31:11,880 guidance because all my cousin be like, yeah, man, you know I 436 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,759 went through I'm like, Nigga, no you didn't. My sister. My 437 00:31:14,759 --> 00:31:15,440 sister tried to say that show. I was like, no, you didn't. 438 00:31:15,599 --> 00:31:18,400 Like none of y'all went through what we're going through right now, especially 439 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,920 having to deal with burying her people. So I'm having a I'm that that 440 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,480 that stress, Bro, of having to bury her people. Why is she 441 00:31:26,599 --> 00:31:33,319 pregnant? Bro? Walking into the motherfucking funeral home of the feudal Bodies Nigga, 442 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,559 I said, Oh my god, this is about to be the hardest 443 00:31:36,559 --> 00:31:38,759 shit in the world. In the double it was a double header, nigga, 444 00:31:38,839 --> 00:31:41,880 and it was sitting right next to each other, that was and my 445 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:45,400 wife pregnant as fuck. I'm trying to make sure that she won't go into 446 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:49,640 no motherfucking episode and she I'm like, Bro, did you and you you 447 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,799 can't really deal with your element emotions because you gotta make sure that she's sure. 448 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,359 How to make sure that might being straight? Yeah, I gotta make 449 00:31:56,440 --> 00:32:00,480 sure because I need to make sure that this baby all right. And I 450 00:32:00,519 --> 00:32:05,000 think that she did a phenomenal job. She did a phenomenal job at holding 451 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,880 that ship together because I was I was drowning, Bro, like you said, 452 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:12,400 and nobody knew. You know. The tough talk part about that is 453 00:32:12,839 --> 00:32:16,839 us being me And it's like sometimes we'd be taking on that strength when we 454 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:22,440 don't have to, you know what I mean, Because you could really have 455 00:32:22,559 --> 00:32:27,480 that conversation with your woman man, and I think sometimes we think that they 456 00:32:27,559 --> 00:32:32,160 weaker than they really are, not any much as a strong Yeah, but 457 00:32:32,319 --> 00:32:36,359 I feel like I feel like they don't know. They just they don't know 458 00:32:36,559 --> 00:32:38,440 either, and I feel like they don't know how to tell us that they 459 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:43,160 don't know. But it's like a comforting thing. They can't comfort us unless 460 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,160 we come. They can't comfort us unless we confide in them, and then 461 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,599 we don't want to confide to them because we don't feel comfortable doing so. 462 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,920 It's a weird conundrum, bro. Yeah, because that one time I did 463 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:57,319 confide in you, ain't like how you responding and the way you responded. 464 00:32:57,359 --> 00:33:00,880 It wasn't even wrong, it just wasn't the way I expect it was. 465 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,480 It wasn't what I needed at that time. Yea, So it was like, 466 00:33:02,599 --> 00:33:06,759 shit, I'm not doing that that. We're not doing that again. 467 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,640 Yeah, for sure. I've definitely felt like that before, Like I felt 468 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:14,279 like that with my mom. I'm confided to my mom and Nigga she tripped 469 00:33:14,319 --> 00:33:15,519 the ball. I ain't confided to her again. Then I'm thirty six. 470 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:20,400 That might have been I don't know when it was, but then it had 471 00:33:20,519 --> 00:33:24,079 never happened again because I feel I just don't feel safe. You know what 472 00:33:24,079 --> 00:33:28,759 I'm saying. I don't know, I never felt safe. And that's tough 473 00:33:28,799 --> 00:33:34,119 man, that you can't feel safe with your mother, you know what I 474 00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:37,400 mean? Like, like, man, she asked me a question once bro 475 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:42,839 during COVID was watching something. She asked me a question and I was like, 476 00:33:43,599 --> 00:33:45,960 I don't know. I just gave her, like my answer, I'm 477 00:33:45,039 --> 00:33:50,680 long winded. I like talking. Obviously, when I got done, she 478 00:33:50,799 --> 00:33:52,359 was like, damn, I didn't want that long oneed that was answering. 479 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:58,279 I was, what the fuck you asked me? Did? That's what I 480 00:33:58,279 --> 00:34:00,119 wanted? I was like, oh, you who? That from you? 481 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,640 Who? I got to not really wanted to talk to people like that. 482 00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:07,079 You who are all right? Bet? But she definitely hit me with that. 483 00:34:07,519 --> 00:34:10,239 She always and that's where I get my assholeness from my guests because people 484 00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:14,840 have always been that honest with me. So I was like, what shit, 485 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,320 I'll be honest with y'all. Nigga's do then y'all should suck. Nigga, 486 00:34:17,159 --> 00:34:20,400 you suck? You ask you you ugly? Your hair is on the 487 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:25,199 evil? That type of ship, Yeah, they're a stress ship man, 488 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:30,440 I'm trying to I think. I think. I think money is not the 489 00:34:30,599 --> 00:34:34,079 I don't think money is the root of all evil. I just believe that 490 00:34:34,119 --> 00:34:39,159 if everybody had money, certain stresses would be alleviated. Shit, no, 491 00:34:39,559 --> 00:34:42,920 not all of them, but a lot of them. It would be something 492 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,480 else. Bro everybody, right, it would definitely it'd be something else, 493 00:34:45,639 --> 00:34:51,840 because we find ways to separate ourselves. Yeah all the time, you know 494 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:55,920 what I mean, Because like, if everybody had money, then it because 495 00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:06,800 social status is is like the new like money, you know what I mean, 496 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:10,039 like the perception of social status exactly. Yeah, you know what I 497 00:35:10,039 --> 00:35:15,440 mean. That's that's to do money, man, like social currency. Uh. 498 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,280 And that's something that I never really gave a fuck about, you know 499 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:24,079 what I mean. Like I go out, but uh, do I have 500 00:35:24,119 --> 00:35:29,119 to be the center of attention. No, I'm a nigga on the wall 501 00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:31,199 and I'm comfortable there, you know what I mean, when all odds on 502 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:37,400 me, I don't really I don't like that ship. I don't like it 503 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:40,679 neither. I think that's why I stopped. That's one of the reasons why 504 00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:45,960 I didn't like DJAM, because I just felt like everybody was looking at me 505 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:50,480 I don't give a fuck about that. Man. I enjoy like when I'm 506 00:35:50,559 --> 00:35:52,280 doing when I'm DJ, and I enjoy that part. The only thing I 507 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:57,039 don't enjoy it is like people coming and tell me to do how to do 508 00:35:57,159 --> 00:36:00,840 my job, Like, yeah, that's that's part of it. Yeah, 509 00:36:00,599 --> 00:36:05,360 I hate that, nigga. I know, I'm want to play your song, 510 00:36:05,519 --> 00:36:09,360 but it's it's not the time to play that song, right's vibe? 511 00:36:09,519 --> 00:36:15,119 I mean, I was boogie one night years ago a motherfucker came to him 512 00:36:15,119 --> 00:36:22,719 and asking to play Atomic Dog Bro in the club. The BPMS was so 513 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:25,400 different than when we was at exactly, I said, Bro, get the 514 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:29,840 fuck away from here. What are you even talking about? Bro? But 515 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:32,320 even that, like I had, I had told myself that I'm not going 516 00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:37,000 to do anything that doesn't bring me as much joy as possible when it comes 517 00:36:37,039 --> 00:36:38,719 to anything outside of this house. So I had to give up DJ and 518 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:42,880 I just cancel my Torito subscription and everything, like I'm not doing it no 519 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,800 more at all. Every time my DJ field is this immense amount of social 520 00:36:47,079 --> 00:36:52,719 uh, this immense amount of pressure to do something that I don't want to 521 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:55,920 do because I don't want to play this music. That I'm playing. I 522 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:59,199 don't want to play none of this ship, but the music that I want 523 00:36:59,199 --> 00:37:00,199 to play. None of y'all even know that, none of the shit that 524 00:37:00,199 --> 00:37:05,519 I want to play. That's why I like doing Buddies so much, because 525 00:37:05,519 --> 00:37:08,239 it was R and B and it was nineties music, and I get to 526 00:37:08,599 --> 00:37:13,119 sprinkle land some new ships, new some new tie dollars, some new Tory 527 00:37:13,199 --> 00:37:15,239 lanes or some news, some new Drake. But for the most part, 528 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:19,239 I got to play all the music that I really really like, because when 529 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:23,320 you're playing old school shit, you're really only playing the fan favorites. It's 530 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:28,800 an accumulation of the fan favorites. But now I just don't understand. I 531 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,280 don't know what niggas want to hear, what vibe they want, why they're 532 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,719 coming out. And I think about all of that, and I think, 533 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:40,880 and I think maybe producing has producing content has made me too aware of what 534 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:45,920 I'm doing or how shit sounds or how shit looks or this, this and 535 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:49,400 that. So I was just like, you know what, I'm not doing 536 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:53,320 this anymore. Oh, I think that's a I think that's a huge reason 537 00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:57,519 why I go out, you know, to listen to other DJs, just 538 00:37:57,679 --> 00:38:04,000 because it keeps me on my toes from when when it's my time, you 539 00:38:04,039 --> 00:38:08,280 know what I mean, Because shit, you gotta know what's current, you 540 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:14,320 know. Yeah, especially where I'll be man like at the Cash by Man. 541 00:38:14,719 --> 00:38:16,239 It's mostly a younger crowd in there, now, you know what I 542 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:22,360 mean, So they'd be wanting to hear some dirt all that shit that I 543 00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:27,440 wouldn't give a fuck about if I wasn't there. Does does does that ever 544 00:38:27,519 --> 00:38:30,760 make you realize how out of touch you are with hip hop? Definitely? 545 00:38:30,199 --> 00:38:35,000 Yeah. I had a conversation. I know we're all over the place y'all, 546 00:38:35,039 --> 00:38:37,599 but we got to warm up before we record record. But I had 547 00:38:37,599 --> 00:38:40,760 a conversation with my mom nigga. It made me realize, like hip hop 548 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:50,559 ain't hip hop, ain't um hip hop is hip hop is a scam because 549 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:58,000 back in the day Nellie Days Bom, they really forced a nigga from Saint 550 00:38:58,039 --> 00:39:02,760 Louis on us. There were band aids in there is Odds and was singing 551 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:08,079 rapping before in You he was really singing rapping, strapping, ringing, whatever 552 00:39:08,119 --> 00:39:13,840 you want to call it about some bullshit. I'm gonna suck up for corn 553 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:19,920 rolls and Manicure Tugs Fit Nicka pre Pains and Manic Dude parasuit goes. We 554 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:22,960 really thought that ship was fired and it was fire, and it was fire, 555 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:25,480 all right, I'm not getting sucked up. It was fire. But 556 00:39:27,559 --> 00:39:30,760 they pushed it on us, right, I don't believe that none of the 557 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:34,239 ship was organic. They pushed it on us because how did he go from 558 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:39,639 that nobody to nobody? How did he go from DMX sold two platinum albums 559 00:39:39,639 --> 00:39:45,719 in one year from that to nobody? From from nigga? They pushed jar 560 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:49,159 Rule on us, like how he how he had fifty cent didn't do that 561 00:39:49,159 --> 00:39:52,960 by himself, Bro, fifty cent didn't didn't destroy jar Rule by himself, 562 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:55,119 Nigga, because all Ja Rule had to do was make another song, and 563 00:39:55,159 --> 00:40:00,639 he had and he hasn't made another song. That Ashanti is same thing like 564 00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:02,599 niggas is like trying to get a new song. I'm like nigga, So 565 00:40:02,679 --> 00:40:07,639 what like like like people like what I like about Drake? What I love 566 00:40:07,679 --> 00:40:13,760 about Drake is he really has been consistent since he dropped. I ain't gonna 567 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,880 say that it's somebody pushing Drake. Yes, it is somebody pushing Drake, 568 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,320 but he's making the most out of that. He's making the most out of 569 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:23,639 he ain't doing an album every three years. He's doing an album every year. 570 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:27,519 Or you're doing features a lot, or he's doing collab albums a lot. 571 00:40:27,559 --> 00:40:30,400 But he knows how to steal the souse. Yes, I'm still on 572 00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:35,480 everything. Yeah, I'm I'm gonna attach myself to this young motherfucker right here. 573 00:40:35,519 --> 00:40:37,079 He got one of the hottest new songs. Or this song is going 574 00:40:37,119 --> 00:40:39,400 to be hot. Yeah, let me go hop on the ship. I'm 575 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:42,760 gonna hop on some more Walker shit, hop on a little baby shit, 576 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,119 I'm gonna hop on future shit, I'm gonna hop on motherfucking twenty one savag 577 00:40:45,119 --> 00:40:49,440 shit. I'm gonna hop on all of this shit. But as an artist, 578 00:40:50,039 --> 00:40:52,679 when you when you studied the game, that's what you realize is happening. 579 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:55,000 So I feel like with music, when I listen to new shit like 580 00:40:55,079 --> 00:41:01,239 Dirk or Herbo or whoever the fuck, all these niggas is just killing niggas. 581 00:41:01,599 --> 00:41:07,119 Yeah, they're killing niggas. And then then I feel weird because it's 582 00:41:07,159 --> 00:41:12,000 white kids behind this ship. Now I'm confused if these white kids really like 583 00:41:12,079 --> 00:41:15,079 this music or do they just like listening to niggas talk about killing niggas. 584 00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:22,559 That's all I think about. Yeah, do they really like this music or 585 00:41:22,679 --> 00:41:27,000 do they? Are they getting off about rapping nigga I'm gonna kill you. 586 00:41:27,119 --> 00:41:30,840 I'm like they recite in the words that the black man wrote to another black 587 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:34,480 man about killing them, but they white. They recited Nigga, I'm gonna 588 00:41:34,519 --> 00:41:36,920 kill you wing up on the oys, got the glitch this distance and that 589 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:42,440 and that there's really some reverse like it's really on some some shit like that. 590 00:41:43,039 --> 00:41:46,760 It's it's fucked up though, because Dark ain't the first nigga to do 591 00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:50,159 it. Definitely, bro. I would thinking about that ship from back Women 592 00:41:50,159 --> 00:41:53,440 and when Nwa was doing it, when Nwa was rapping about all that shit, 593 00:41:53,519 --> 00:41:57,599 and it was the hottest they was hottest thing in America. They were 594 00:41:57,679 --> 00:42:02,199 rapping about nigga police brutality, and they branded themselves as that though. You 595 00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:06,760 know what I mean. They was branded the most dangerous group in America, 596 00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:08,559 most dangerous rap group in America. Yeah, you know what I mean. 597 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:13,960 You wish you could experience that firsthand, what being them or not? N 598 00:42:14,079 --> 00:42:21,480 Wa like listening to it and it's heyday, like twenty being twenty one, 599 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:27,400 being sixteen seventeen eighteen, win Nwa Drop was much younger. I think. 600 00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:30,599 I know it's like six seven years. I know what I'm I'm being sixteen 601 00:42:30,599 --> 00:42:34,760 to twenty one around that time. No, just the experience it now, 602 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:39,159 you coolna, I mean because truth be told. Shit, that was a 603 00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:44,480 very short rhyn It was and it was. It was. If you want 604 00:42:44,519 --> 00:42:46,480 to see like what it imagined, if you want to see what it was 605 00:42:46,519 --> 00:42:52,760 like to be sixteen or twenty one years old around that time, why snowfall, 606 00:42:55,559 --> 00:43:00,239 you know what I mean? Because that's what was going on. Yeah. 607 00:43:00,159 --> 00:43:04,320 I haven't really gotten some snow phone. I don't really. I don't 608 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:08,199 really like drug related stuff. Man, it's different. You're seeing that the 609 00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:14,519 documentary on Netflix called Cocaine. I think, so that shit sucked me up. 610 00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:17,199 That shit sucked me up. I did not know the eighties was like 611 00:43:17,239 --> 00:43:21,000 that. Yeah, that shit sucked me up. I was like, damn, 612 00:43:21,039 --> 00:43:25,039 my daddy Evern had to live through this in Gary crazy sicko molding it. 613 00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:30,079 But even that I read it read something that said that your parents can 614 00:43:30,159 --> 00:43:36,760 hand down stress. Yeah. I think they said it's something about African Americans. 615 00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:40,039 You know what I mean, it's just passed down from generation to generation 616 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:45,280 from slavery, from slavery, from slavery. Bro. So we got a 617 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:50,079 lot of shit. We got a lot of shit in our We got a 618 00:43:50,079 --> 00:43:52,239 lot of shit in our just DNA. Bro. That just suck us up, 619 00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:54,239 Bro, that we don't even know it's working against us. And my 620 00:43:54,360 --> 00:44:00,159 daddy is so, my dad is so. My dad's an idiot, but 621 00:44:00,199 --> 00:44:04,679 he's very smart, but he's he's emotionally just stupid as fuck, you know 622 00:44:04,719 --> 00:44:06,800 what I'm saying. But I love him, but sometimes i'd be like, 623 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:12,800 Bro, i am your son. So everything that you're experiencing, Nigga, 624 00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:16,400 I'm going to the doctor and they're asking me what you going through? Nigga, 625 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:20,320 I'm going to the doctor. They're asking me what you're going through. 626 00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:22,760 When I go to him and be like recently, I was like, Yo, 627 00:44:23,159 --> 00:44:28,079 the arches and your feet have they fallen? He was like yeah. 628 00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:30,480 He was like why, I said, as my mind fallen? Now? 629 00:44:30,559 --> 00:44:34,800 He was like, mine failed from now you'res ain't gonna do that. I'm 630 00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:38,039 like, nigga, I'm literally telling you that my ship's falling. Your ship 631 00:44:38,159 --> 00:44:42,239 fall Yeah. I was like, when did you when did you wanted your 632 00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:45,559 heart? When did your blood pressure out be elevated? He was like around 633 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,639 your age. I was like, yeah, they told me that I need 634 00:44:47,679 --> 00:44:52,199 to watch out or do more cardio vascular stuff to keep my heart. The 635 00:44:52,519 --> 00:44:54,599 day he was like, oh, nah mine and this, I'm like, 636 00:44:54,639 --> 00:45:00,679 bro, yeah, I'm your son, nigga like and but I just feel 637 00:45:00,679 --> 00:45:04,719 like he doesn't really understand, like where I'm at in life because he he 638 00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:07,119 had he lived his own life exactly, so he had to figure out what 639 00:45:07,119 --> 00:45:09,480 it's like to be a fifty three year old or however old he is. 640 00:45:09,519 --> 00:45:14,199 But at the same time, I'm trying to I'm trying to have him help 641 00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:19,039 me navigate being thirty six and he had He's not really he's not really even 642 00:45:19,039 --> 00:45:22,159 trying to take that. But I feel like the black men, the black 643 00:45:22,199 --> 00:45:25,960 men that were around in the eighties and seventies that was like teenagers at that 644 00:45:27,079 --> 00:45:37,840 time. Emotionally, they're very irresponsible, definitely extremely irresponsible. Man. A 645 00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:39,119 lot of them are. They don't how to communicate at all, bro, 646 00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:43,679 Like they don't have to talk, they don't, none of them haven't. 647 00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:49,079 I've never come across a nigga from that era that communicate like me, man, 648 00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:53,039 I was I was just talking to the homies our shit about them, 649 00:45:58,199 --> 00:46:02,320 like I'm just now I'm learning how to like when when when you talk about 650 00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:08,880 like generations like we the first generation of men that really had to deal with 651 00:46:09,039 --> 00:46:15,719 learning or learning how to deal with our emotions, because shit, my pops 652 00:46:15,719 --> 00:46:21,519 and the generations before him, they just smoke and drank their emotions away, 653 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:23,920 you know what I mean. They're still drinking his emotions away. Yeah, 654 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:30,000 and that's and they either took it out on their women or they Yeah, 655 00:46:30,039 --> 00:46:32,559 they took it out on their women where or women women? Yeah, going 656 00:46:32,599 --> 00:46:37,840 and fucking other women having kids on the side and sho, yeah, womanizing 657 00:46:37,079 --> 00:46:39,239 all that type of shit, you know what I mean. So they that's 658 00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:44,199 how they dealt with their emotions. So they were so accepted to them. 659 00:46:44,400 --> 00:46:47,760 Yeah, so sho, nigga, like me some grace because I'm actually trying 660 00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:51,119 to learn how to deal with this shit, you know what I mean? 661 00:46:52,039 --> 00:46:54,679 Son? That was a good one, broa, because I'm one of the 662 00:46:54,719 --> 00:46:59,280 first motherfuckers just trying to learn how to deal with this shit. So no, 663 00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:01,039 I don't have it all the way figured out, but I'm trying to 664 00:47:01,119 --> 00:47:07,159 figure it out. Damn that was good, Bro, Have some fucking grace 665 00:47:07,159 --> 00:47:09,320 because I'm like, I could have just want to got some milk and never 666 00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:15,599 came back this bitch. I could have wanted got some milk and never came 667 00:47:15,639 --> 00:47:19,320 back to this bitch. I can definitely disappear on the motherfucking for real, 668 00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:22,079 for real. But yeah, I feel like that too. I feel like 669 00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:28,320 I'm trying to trying to reconcile. I think a part of I think a 670 00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:30,760 part of my stress come from or my trauma come from not feeling like I'm 671 00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:36,039 good enough, coming from my father's side of the family. So I went 672 00:47:36,079 --> 00:47:38,960 back on my birthday last year. I went back and Uh, I went 673 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:45,400 to Gary kicked it with him, my wife and my kids, and uh 674 00:47:46,679 --> 00:47:52,719 the last time I wasn't Gary kicking it with them. Then goes nigga man 675 00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:59,800 years years bro. So I go back in. My grandma was really the 676 00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:04,320 cold. She's a B word, but she's just like me. Oh Bro, 677 00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:09,800 she we are just to like Bro, just like maybe like sixty sixty 678 00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:14,639 five seventy percent a lot nigga a lot man. My dad's just like her. 679 00:48:15,239 --> 00:48:17,320 I'm just like my dad. But I had to figure out her love 680 00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:22,320 language. Her love language is act acts of service. So she only she 681 00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:29,079 only knows how to display, she only knows how to display that she loves 682 00:48:29,159 --> 00:48:32,039 me by act of service. But when I was a kid, I didn't 683 00:48:32,039 --> 00:48:35,920 recognize that. I just thought that she even you know what I'm saying, 684 00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:38,719 I just and and she's a robot, Like she's really a robot, Like 685 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:44,800 she's just emotionally unavailable. But I didn't know that as a kid. So 686 00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:46,960 I took that personally, you know, I took that personally when I was 687 00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:50,760 a kid. And then when I went back recently, a lot of that 688 00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:54,280 ship was like shaved off because I was like, oh, I'm figured I 689 00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:58,440 misread all of this. My mom was telling me shit, and what she 690 00:48:58,639 --> 00:49:01,000 was saying was a line of with your actions. So I just felt like, 691 00:49:01,039 --> 00:49:07,559 y'alldn't fuck with me like that. But man, I was wrong that 692 00:49:07,559 --> 00:49:14,719 that that could that could be. Uh. I thank god that I didn't 693 00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:17,239 have that type of shit going on like with my mom, you know what 694 00:49:17,239 --> 00:49:22,559 I mean, like the bigger in between bro, the my mom and my 695 00:49:22,679 --> 00:49:24,840 dad and the families and all this that and the third you know what I 696 00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:28,880 mean, Because my mom she always sent me over there to go deal with 697 00:49:29,519 --> 00:49:31,440 my father's side of the family. I figured out a lot of the ship 698 00:49:32,039 --> 00:49:36,239 that was going on over there on my own, you know what I mean. 699 00:49:36,360 --> 00:49:40,239 It was never something that she told me about them, because that could 700 00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:45,199 sway how you feel about your people. Too. Definitely swayed me, bro 701 00:49:45,519 --> 00:49:49,280 It definitely swayed me. It definitely swayed me. And it's and it's and 702 00:49:49,320 --> 00:49:53,159 it's and it's as a kid trying to as a kid trying to manage my 703 00:49:53,199 --> 00:49:58,239 own emotions at fourteen fifteen sixteen, I was just over sensitive about everything. 704 00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:00,519 And you always gonna side with your because that's who you all. That's WI 705 00:50:00,639 --> 00:50:04,440 That's why I'm always with But then I was angry at her and she was 706 00:50:04,519 --> 00:50:06,639 She did some shit, you know what I'm saying. She did some some 707 00:50:06,639 --> 00:50:09,760 file ship that prevented my dad from really being there, and I saw it 708 00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:14,679 like I was a part of it, like I would like and I I 709 00:50:14,679 --> 00:50:19,880 don't really know if I really felt fully dealt with that, you know what 710 00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:27,519 I'm saying. So that on top of stress, kids, not sleeping like 711 00:50:27,639 --> 00:50:30,679 that, no money, money, not really being secure like that, you 712 00:50:30,719 --> 00:50:35,840 know what I'm saying, It weighs a lot, it weighs a shit ton, 713 00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,559 and then I have to still be myself. I can't really, I 714 00:50:38,599 --> 00:50:45,360 don't really want to last shout and being less less, less of who I'm 715 00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:50,000 supposed to be because I understand that people. I understand what I am to 716 00:50:50,079 --> 00:50:52,840 people. I understand when people coming to the studio, when y'all come in 717 00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:55,480 here and y'all recording shit, I understand what I might be providing. So 718 00:50:55,679 --> 00:51:00,440 somebody broke down. It was like, Nigga, this is this is It 719 00:51:00,519 --> 00:51:01,960 was like, this is fun, Like I loved I love hearing myself like 720 00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:06,559 this. I love that da da dah. But I need to hear that 721 00:51:07,079 --> 00:51:09,519 because I'm I come up. I come from a place where if you don't 722 00:51:09,559 --> 00:51:13,000 tell me, I'm gonna assume. And I'm not gonna assume. Right. 723 00:51:13,639 --> 00:51:16,159 You know what I'm saying. I misread everything, but I'm aware of that. 724 00:51:16,199 --> 00:51:21,199 So now I'm asking people what did you mean by that that? Drew 725 00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:23,440 Ski mean, what do you mean by that? I'm really asking people like 726 00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:27,360 what did you mean by that? Because I want to spass. I want 727 00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:29,400 to make sure you deserve the spass, and I'm about to get you know 728 00:51:29,400 --> 00:51:31,599 what I'm saying like, I was supposed to record with somebody this morning, 729 00:51:32,599 --> 00:51:36,239 and I knew they were going to cancel. I knew last night that they 730 00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:39,239 were going to cancel, but I didn't want my I didn't want that to 731 00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:43,480 be my trauma talking. But when I got the text, I just I 732 00:51:43,559 --> 00:51:45,840 just liked it. I knew, I knew that, I knew that you 733 00:51:45,920 --> 00:51:51,280 wasn't gonna come because I know you. But I didn't want to tell you 734 00:51:51,599 --> 00:51:54,159 that I knew you because you're gonna try to prove me wrong and you're gonna 735 00:51:54,159 --> 00:51:58,559 try and then you're gonna come over here and be half fast when you didn't 736 00:51:58,599 --> 00:52:00,280 really want to come. You know what I'm saying. Like, as a 737 00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:05,000 man, I feel like that's a that's a trait that man have. I 738 00:52:05,119 --> 00:52:07,519 need to be able to figure out if Byron is good people are not instantly. 739 00:52:08,480 --> 00:52:10,920 I feel like most women don't really have that. They don't really think 740 00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:15,599 about it like that because there's too many. Too many women be just so 741 00:52:15,679 --> 00:52:19,880 clueless about what's happening around them. But I'm never clueless about what's happening around 742 00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:23,360 me or who I have around me. Um, but I could be a 743 00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:28,960 little bit stressful because I don't know if I'm doing it right. I'm if 744 00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:36,480 i'm if I'm if I'm assessing character's behavior correctly. But all that stress and 745 00:52:36,519 --> 00:52:40,440 the doctor and I don't know, man, because it's it's I just don't 746 00:52:40,440 --> 00:52:45,159 want to die before I figure it out. You never go figure it out, 747 00:52:45,199 --> 00:52:50,719 though, Man, I know, like that's and that's the that's the 748 00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:53,719 thing, you know what I mean. It's just it's an experience. Man. 749 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:59,719 We are experiencing life, you know what I mean. And you can 750 00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:01,880 have under the grips, but something's gonna come it fuck some ship. Up. 751 00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:05,039 I was just talking to my wife about that last night. Yeah. 752 00:53:05,360 --> 00:53:07,800 I was like, man, motherfucker's be sitting in the living room, my 753 00:53:07,840 --> 00:53:10,639 motherfucker kicking the door and just spray some shit. Up. I said, 754 00:53:13,039 --> 00:53:17,360 that happens. Yeah, it happens like car accidents, just random ass shit. 755 00:53:17,800 --> 00:53:22,440 And to be like, damn, like it might not though it might 756 00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:24,920 not. I might not. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm not saying that I'm 757 00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:29,280 acting as if it is. I'm saying but like motherfucker's is really experiencing like, 758 00:53:29,559 --> 00:53:34,920 yeah, some crazy ass shit out here, bro, So you believe 759 00:53:34,960 --> 00:53:38,960 in like karma and shit. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes 760 00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:45,559 I just believe that just shit just happens. Yeah, Like, um, 761 00:53:45,719 --> 00:53:52,599 why are you acting? Oh, so you know, I have to believe 762 00:53:52,679 --> 00:53:57,239 that. I do believe that I'm paying from the sense of my father, 763 00:53:57,280 --> 00:54:02,719 though I've had that thought too. Yeah, I do believe that. I 764 00:54:02,760 --> 00:54:07,000 do feel like I do feel like I can't jump as high as I want 765 00:54:07,039 --> 00:54:08,519 to because of the sense of my father. I do believe that though. 766 00:54:08,559 --> 00:54:13,639 But part of that is that that's that could be false though it could be 767 00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:15,159 you know what I mean, that could be that really could be false, 768 00:54:15,239 --> 00:54:19,639 man, and you limiting yourself just because you hold known to that ship. 769 00:54:20,480 --> 00:54:23,760 Now I'm jumping as hard as I can. I feel like either it's not 770 00:54:23,840 --> 00:54:28,239 meant for me, or I can't I'm not supposed to jump as high as 771 00:54:28,280 --> 00:54:30,880 you know what I'm saying, or just not time yet. It might just 772 00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:34,519 not be time. It might not be time yet. Yeah, it's just 773 00:54:34,559 --> 00:54:36,760 continue to put it into work, you know what I mean. So when 774 00:54:36,800 --> 00:54:42,000 that time comes, you ready, I'm ready. But I asked about karma 775 00:54:42,039 --> 00:54:44,840 and ship just because you know, I talk to people all the time from 776 00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:47,039 outside of the city, and ship and we get to talking about like indian 777 00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:53,000 that not Indie's dangerous. Indianapolis is dangerous, a very dangerous place, man, 778 00:54:53,079 --> 00:54:55,840 Like you don't be scared to be going out and such as such, 779 00:54:57,360 --> 00:55:01,199 And I'm like, no, never, No, I'm not scared to go 780 00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:06,119 nowhere because I don't travel in them circles wherever that shit happens, you know 781 00:55:06,159 --> 00:55:08,920 what I mean. Yeah, I've heard about some vow crazy shit that happened 782 00:55:08,920 --> 00:55:13,719 here in the city, crazy shit, but that shit is not where I'm 783 00:55:13,719 --> 00:55:16,519 at. It's never touched me, man, because I don't never be around 784 00:55:16,559 --> 00:55:21,199 where that type of shit happened. Man, My nigga got walked down. 785 00:55:21,639 --> 00:55:27,079 My nigga got walked down on his block. That he my homie. When 786 00:55:27,119 --> 00:55:32,320 we met, this nigga was throwing up his rod into a dirty tradefolk gangster 787 00:55:32,320 --> 00:55:36,079 fille trayfolk gangster field dray. That's all he talked about. Tradefolk games, 788 00:55:36,119 --> 00:55:40,679 feld trayfolk gamester field. This thig got walked down on his block, the 789 00:55:40,760 --> 00:55:46,039 same block that he wrapped his whole entire life. To me, that was 790 00:55:46,199 --> 00:55:50,679 the most vile thing. I was like, Bro, what a way for 791 00:55:50,760 --> 00:55:53,920 your story to fucking end? Bro, that's awful. Awful, awful, 792 00:55:54,079 --> 00:55:59,519 awful, But I never see shit like that. But I'm talking. This 793 00:55:59,559 --> 00:56:01,480 happened in front of a gas station. Nigga. See in a lot of 794 00:56:01,519 --> 00:56:06,280 that. You know. So in the daytime, nigga, you could you 795 00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:08,159 could hint. In the morning, nigga, you could speak that shit into 796 00:56:08,239 --> 00:56:14,199 existence too, Tupac, you know what I mean? Like, I got 797 00:56:14,199 --> 00:56:19,599 a homie man, Like I remember the last watch Nigga. No, it's 798 00:56:19,639 --> 00:56:28,639 a that mand hardest hell that was all right. I'm like, oh yeah, 799 00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:30,760 homie, Uh he was last time I was talking to him. Man, 800 00:56:30,800 --> 00:56:34,199 he was talking about like, Man, I just know one day, 801 00:56:34,239 --> 00:56:36,719 Man, I'm somebody gonna try to take me out of here. I'm gonna 802 00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:38,360 catch a slug to the chest. Sons like, Nigga, why are you 803 00:56:38,360 --> 00:56:42,039 talking like that? Yeah? Why would you do? What do you do? 804 00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:45,719 Bro? You not even that type of nigga? Yeah did he get 805 00:56:45,719 --> 00:56:50,159 shot in the chest? No, story was not. It's just like, 806 00:56:50,960 --> 00:56:53,960 why are you talking Like, why are you trying to put off this persona 807 00:56:54,440 --> 00:56:57,960 like that, nigga? Because that's not who you are? Nigga. Like, 808 00:56:58,639 --> 00:57:00,639 Nigga, what are you on? Bro? Yeah? Like it's weird, 809 00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:06,559 but it's it's it's always like this perception that like maybe that's the perception 810 00:57:06,599 --> 00:57:08,679 that you want to put out there, like nigga, you all you all 811 00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:13,800 bark, and that might that might put off a couple of motherfuckers, but 812 00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:20,719 Nigga, I know you. Yeah, Like I do believe, like I 813 00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:24,760 do believe that we are subconsciously dealing with the ideals of what they think, 814 00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:30,639 what they what, what the perception of a man is. I do believe 815 00:57:30,679 --> 00:57:36,079 that men who are not like that are sub subconsciously dealing with that because like, 816 00:57:36,159 --> 00:57:39,480 for like I grew up hearing that money makes a man. I still 817 00:57:39,519 --> 00:57:45,119 hear that. So sometimes I get very fearful that my wife believes that because 818 00:57:45,159 --> 00:57:49,559 you believe it, because that's subconsciously believe it. Yeah. So when my 819 00:57:49,559 --> 00:57:51,960 bank account, nigga, when my bank account is low, I am, 820 00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,800 I am. I am a pain to deal with. I am a pain 821 00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:59,880 to deal with, and I'm very, very very irritable. I realized that, 822 00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:07,320 and it happens usually run the first to get paid. I'd be like, 823 00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:10,280 what the fuck, nigga, I just paid this ship where I don't 824 00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:14,760 feel like my phone build Nigga, I'm I'm there, I'm two steps away 825 00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:17,239 from canceling this motherfucker. Bro. I'm like, Bro, I'm always at 826 00:58:17,239 --> 00:58:21,599 home, always on the WiFi. I never really use the motherfucking service like 827 00:58:21,639 --> 00:58:23,880 that. My my car got internet, Nigga, everywhere I go got internet. 828 00:58:24,079 --> 00:58:27,480 Exflinity is everywhere. I'm like, I don't really even need to pay 829 00:58:27,519 --> 00:58:31,800 this motherfucker. I could just be honest, But I do realize that I 830 00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:36,920 have children that are watching me now. They're very impressionable, and I have 831 00:58:37,000 --> 00:58:39,920 to and I have to mind my temperament. And I also realized that my 832 00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:45,400 son talks to my wife and and my daughter's the way that I talk to 833 00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:49,199 them. So I got to be very careful about how I communicate with when 834 00:58:49,239 --> 00:58:52,760 I'm when I'm irritated, I gotta be very careful and very mindful of how 835 00:58:52,920 --> 00:58:55,480 I move and how I walk and how all of these things. I gotta 836 00:58:57,079 --> 00:59:00,320 whatever I need to do in order to to to lighten the load light in 837 00:59:00,400 --> 00:59:05,039 the mood. I have to do that. And thankfully I've been able to 838 00:59:05,039 --> 00:59:07,400 work on certain certain projects, and hopefully I got a project coming up that 839 00:59:07,719 --> 00:59:14,039 will alleviate some of the stress. But the fact that the fact that you 840 00:59:14,079 --> 00:59:17,480 said that you also don't know what the fuck is going on makes me feel 841 00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:21,559 like all right cool because a lot of the times I look around and I 842 00:59:21,599 --> 00:59:24,079 feel like that people gotta figure it out hell, and nobody hasn't figure And 843 00:59:24,079 --> 00:59:27,599 I know that, bro, Like I know that, I know that nobody 844 00:59:27,599 --> 00:59:30,960 hasn't figured out. But when I get on social media and shit, man, 845 00:59:30,039 --> 00:59:35,039 all you seeing this nigga's highlights though I'm not really seeing what a nigga 846 00:59:35,239 --> 00:59:39,400 really going through. Yeah, I know that, I do know that. 847 00:59:42,039 --> 00:59:45,800 I do know that, and I guess I don't know. I do know 848 00:59:45,840 --> 00:59:50,079 that though all of that because a lot of the ship that motherfucker's be putting 849 00:59:50,159 --> 00:59:52,519 up there, so a lot of that should be a facade. Bro. 850 00:59:52,719 --> 00:59:55,119 I know every time I see someone, I ain't gonna say because I don't 851 00:59:55,119 --> 00:59:58,960 know who's gonna listen to this ship, but I do be watching motherfucker's post 852 00:59:59,079 --> 01:00:01,920 and I'll be like, y'all, you're not even happy like that, but 853 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:05,440 me and my wife are happy. Get my kids happy. Somebody like my 854 01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:08,599 homie was like, man, because we had a Dorian's birthday party as guys 855 01:00:08,599 --> 01:00:14,800 on and uh, my wife and I didn't talk the entire time, like 856 01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:16,679 we didn't say one word. We didn't say one word to each other. 857 01:00:17,119 --> 01:00:20,840 We ain't mad at each other or nothing. It was just like, oh, 858 01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:22,440 it was kids every fucking where. Like we just went a straight, 859 01:00:22,840 --> 01:00:27,599 straight gold mode. My homeboy put me inside. He was like, hey, 860 01:00:28,440 --> 01:00:30,639 I don't know if you are as happy as y'all really are, Like 861 01:00:30,719 --> 01:00:35,480 y'all really look put this put y'all doing a great fucking job. And I 862 01:00:35,599 --> 01:00:37,239 was like, I told her I wanted this year and she was like, 863 01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:40,840 damn, I didn't even realize me. Ain't say nothing to each other, 864 01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:45,000 Like she was handling the kids in the cake and shit, I'm out there 865 01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:49,079 watching the kids jumping ship. And I was just like, but most people, 866 01:00:49,119 --> 01:00:51,960 that's a lot of people that's on social media, but they I don't 867 01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:53,079 post my wife, I don't post none of the ship that we do, 868 01:00:53,199 --> 01:00:58,599 none of the I don't do none of that. But I see it a 869 01:00:58,599 --> 01:01:01,039 lot. But I do know that some of the people that post that shit 870 01:01:01,079 --> 01:01:05,039 ain't really as happy as they say they are. So that makes me ask 871 01:01:05,119 --> 01:01:07,840 my wife, are we are we happy? Yeah? I asked my wife 872 01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:10,159 that ship, like are you happy? And she's like, yeah, are 873 01:01:10,159 --> 01:01:14,400 you happy? And I'm like yeah. But then sometimes I'd be like, 874 01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:19,320 and this is just my brain, how fucked up my brain is? Do 875 01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:22,320 we know that we're not all right? You know what I'm saying? Like, 876 01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:25,719 do we know that is the ship sinking and we not know it? 877 01:01:27,239 --> 01:01:29,880 Because sometimes I'll be hearing people say that they just woke up the one day 878 01:01:29,880 --> 01:01:32,440 and it was over. Man, I'm not saying that. I think I'm 879 01:01:32,440 --> 01:01:37,239 saying that. Sometimes I'd be like, am I paying? Am I paying? 880 01:01:37,719 --> 01:01:40,760 Are you paying attention to her? Yes? Yeah, because that is 881 01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:45,639 the I'm paying all that all pets in her? Yeah, because too much? 882 01:01:45,920 --> 01:01:51,239 Because I know that that was That's what's kind of my issue. I 883 01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:53,199 was too busy worried about what I had going on to really pay attention to 884 01:01:53,239 --> 01:01:59,079 what she got going on and what's going on over there until you wake up 885 01:01:59,119 --> 01:02:01,159 and it's light. You don't really love me like that? And again, 886 01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:07,800 yeah, shit, man, I was worried about I had all this other 887 01:02:07,840 --> 01:02:10,159 shit going. Oh man, I didn't really have a chance to really worry 888 01:02:10,159 --> 01:02:15,800 about what you was. I thought you was cool. Yeah. See, 889 01:02:15,800 --> 01:02:21,880 my thing is my trauma. My trauma is my wife is not my mom. 890 01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:23,760 So I'm always asking her, are you good? Are you good? 891 01:02:24,119 --> 01:02:29,400 Always? Because when I grew up, Bro, I had to tell MoMA 892 01:02:29,480 --> 01:02:30,440 this recently, I said, Man, we had to, we had we 893 01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:35,039 had to. We had to. We had to listen to how you closed 894 01:02:35,039 --> 01:02:37,079 the door when you came in from work, to know how you felt, 895 01:02:37,719 --> 01:02:43,480 how you was closing cabinets, how you was walking again, how light you 896 01:02:43,519 --> 01:02:45,480 walked, how heavy you walked. That shit told us everything we needed to 897 01:02:45,519 --> 01:02:50,679 know about how we needed moving this motherfucking house. You grow up with that. 898 01:02:51,159 --> 01:02:52,000 I didn't move. I didn't move. I didn't move out to my 899 01:02:52,079 --> 01:02:58,639 mom's house until I was eighteen, so eighteen years of that. So now 900 01:02:58,719 --> 01:03:05,159 I'm now whenever I get relationship, I'm overly I'm overly conscious about my wife 901 01:03:05,199 --> 01:03:07,280 when she closed the door, if she she might be mad at something completely 902 01:03:07,280 --> 01:03:10,920 different. Ain't got nothing to do with me. But I'm I'm asking her, 903 01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:16,079 you're straight, you're good, and and I don't want it to be 904 01:03:16,119 --> 01:03:20,119 annoying. So she's super understanding, So she understand. She knows my mom, 905 01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:23,559 so she she kind of gets it. But Bro, I was, 906 01:03:23,920 --> 01:03:29,559 I was, Oh, man, you might not get the real answer though, 907 01:03:29,559 --> 01:03:32,639 even when you ask that you know what I mean, Like yeah, 908 01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:37,960 you put a little facade like everything cool, Yeah you're good. Yeah, 909 01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:40,559 I'm straight. That's that's never anything. Yeah I'm okay. That'd be the 910 01:03:40,599 --> 01:03:45,400 thing, And that's trauma talking because she might really be okay because she didn't. 911 01:03:45,440 --> 01:03:47,559 She don't come from that, like at all. She don't come from 912 01:03:47,599 --> 01:03:51,159 none of that. Her family don't do none of that, bro Like, 913 01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:54,199 And I thought that most families was like my family until I was until I 914 01:03:54,199 --> 01:03:57,800 went around her family and I was like, oh, y'all really don't deal 915 01:03:57,800 --> 01:04:01,079 with none of this ship. Y'all don't even have I don't even your family. 916 01:04:01,119 --> 01:04:06,159 Her family didn't even put the chemicals in her brain to even process the 917 01:04:06,159 --> 01:04:12,199 ship. That the process the way that I process shit wrong. So me 918 01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:15,840 knowing that kind of lets me know that she is she is telling the truth. 919 01:04:16,199 --> 01:04:18,920 But like you said, back into my mind sometimes I'd be like, 920 01:04:19,159 --> 01:04:24,599 what if she lying? What if everybody lying? Like you know what I'm 921 01:04:24,599 --> 01:04:27,840 saying, because I do. I do understand that I am not the easiest 922 01:04:27,840 --> 01:04:30,760 to talk to you all the time. So how do you deal with that? 923 01:04:30,880 --> 01:04:33,239 Like do you how do you deal with because you're a big nigga. 924 01:04:33,400 --> 01:04:38,679 Pause, but how do you deal with how do you know if somebody telling 925 01:04:38,719 --> 01:04:42,199 you the truth or not being fearful of how you might respond? And I 926 01:04:42,320 --> 01:04:47,119 never know, damn me, I never really know. But I can't really 927 01:04:47,199 --> 01:04:50,519 worry about that either, you know what I mean? Like I'm gonna ask, 928 01:04:51,000 --> 01:04:56,360 are you sure it didn't if you lie? Yeah? You lie? 929 01:04:56,480 --> 01:05:00,920 I ask you twice. Yeah. I can't really worry about that. All 930 01:05:00,960 --> 01:05:05,119 I can do is move forward. Yeah, but then, but do you 931 01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:12,639 believe like in relationships, like how we can revisit it, But in that 932 01:05:12,960 --> 01:05:15,599 I'm not gonna keep like, obviously you're not ready to talk about it. 933 01:05:16,159 --> 01:05:20,519 So when you're ready, Yeah, whenever you're really ready, because I could 934 01:05:20,519 --> 01:05:25,239 I might something something, I might say like nah, it's something wrong. 935 01:05:25,280 --> 01:05:27,440 But when you're ready to talk about it, you can come talk to me. 936 01:05:29,280 --> 01:05:30,320 You know that wasn't that'd be my thing? Bro. I just want 937 01:05:30,320 --> 01:05:36,159 to be. I just want to be whoever my son needs me to be. 938 01:05:36,360 --> 01:05:39,800 I want to be the good, best version of that. Same with 939 01:05:39,880 --> 01:05:43,800 my wife, my daughter, my sister. I had to realize that I 940 01:05:43,840 --> 01:05:46,880 wasn't even a good brother recently, Like I had to realize, like, 941 01:05:46,960 --> 01:05:49,639 man, your sister is always coming up here, She's always driving up here 942 01:05:49,639 --> 01:05:53,079 to see you, but you don't never drive down there. But I had 943 01:05:53,119 --> 01:05:56,079 to tell I said, it really hurts for me to try that long, 944 01:05:56,199 --> 01:05:59,519 Like I can't drive comfortable like that, my body too tight. I'm trying, 945 01:05:59,559 --> 01:06:01,199 and I said, I want to do better. I'm gonna I'm gonna 946 01:06:01,199 --> 01:06:04,039 try my best to get my body right by the summer. I'm gonna do 947 01:06:04,119 --> 01:06:08,360 everything in my part that I can. But I'm like, I got to 948 01:06:08,360 --> 01:06:11,119 pay for a sleep specialist for my daughters so they can sleep through the night. 949 01:06:11,159 --> 01:06:13,119 So I can go to the gym at night when they go to bed 950 01:06:13,320 --> 01:06:15,840 and put them to bed at seven eight. I can go to the gym 951 01:06:15,960 --> 01:06:19,000 from eight to ten, come back home, go to sleep. But it's 952 01:06:19,039 --> 01:06:23,199 just really hard to get into a routine. And I don't think people really 953 01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:27,559 understand that you're dealing with infants, man, you know what I mean. 954 01:06:27,760 --> 01:06:31,800 It's a difference. Yeah, you're not gonna like you just enter in the 955 01:06:31,880 --> 01:06:35,760 toddler stage with one, you know what I mean, And you're dealing with 956 01:06:35,800 --> 01:06:40,639 these two infants hit at the same time. So it's a lot to manage. 957 01:06:40,719 --> 01:06:43,519 It's somebody to manage. But Nigga, the world don't give a fuck 958 01:06:43,559 --> 01:06:46,480 nigga. But the thing is, you got to say fuck the world. 959 01:06:46,960 --> 01:06:50,760 You gotta say funck what's going out there in the world, and create your 960 01:06:50,760 --> 01:06:55,239 own world in here, because truth be told, this is your own this 961 01:06:55,320 --> 01:06:57,760 is your world, this is my world. This is your world. And 962 01:06:57,880 --> 01:06:59,760 what's in this house, you know what I mean? And you got to 963 01:06:59,760 --> 01:07:02,920 create ate your own ecosystem in this house. Funck was going on out there, 964 01:07:03,119 --> 01:07:09,400 as long as everything is cool in here, right straight? Yeah, 965 01:07:09,480 --> 01:07:12,559 Yeah, you're right, bro, that's good advice. Make sure everything in 966 01:07:12,599 --> 01:07:16,559 this house flourishes. Yeah, learn how to manage mine. Just I just 967 01:07:16,559 --> 01:07:24,199 want to teach my son, how to my daughters, how to process the 968 01:07:24,320 --> 01:07:27,800 emotions. My Nie, she ten, she's going through it right now. 969 01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:31,320 Bro. And I said, I don't remember being ten, but I wish 970 01:07:31,320 --> 01:07:34,239 I had me at ten. I wish I had at me at ten. 971 01:07:34,280 --> 01:07:39,159 And I saw a clip on Instagram and said, you are the person you 972 01:07:39,159 --> 01:07:45,880 wish your child you You are the person you wish you had when you was 973 01:07:45,880 --> 01:07:51,519 a child. You know. The fucked up thing about that is, so 974 01:07:53,000 --> 01:07:59,840 you're dealing like I think I'm starting to see an error in my ways when 975 01:07:59,840 --> 01:08:02,239 they come to raising my child. When I see people with their children. 976 01:08:02,519 --> 01:08:05,719 And the only reason I say that is because I had my child that's so 977 01:08:05,880 --> 01:08:09,320 young, you know what I mean. I was twenty years old when I 978 01:08:09,360 --> 01:08:14,440 had my son, so I was still growing and learning, and like I 979 01:08:14,559 --> 01:08:18,720 definitely fucked some ship up along the way. Yeah, and it's evident and 980 01:08:18,840 --> 01:08:26,640 how me and my son communicate with each other. But like in like trying 981 01:08:26,680 --> 01:08:29,920 to navigate that now, let mean, and trying to correct some of those 982 01:08:29,920 --> 01:08:32,640 things, Like some of that damage is irreparable, you know what I mean. 983 01:08:32,840 --> 01:08:38,159 That's that's not necessarily true because it's just it's taking along. It's gonna 984 01:08:38,159 --> 01:08:42,800 take a long time to correct. I have the time it took through it, 985 01:08:42,920 --> 01:08:47,920 exactly. Yeah. So I'm thankful that I was old, Yeah, 986 01:08:48,039 --> 01:08:53,479 because my emotions I'm too in tongue with my emotions now. Yeah, I 987 01:08:53,479 --> 01:08:56,680 didn't have very much patience at all back then. Oh, Niga, I 988 01:08:56,680 --> 01:08:59,399 can't imagine me in twenty having a kid. I had no patience of twenty. 989 01:09:00,119 --> 01:09:02,039 I didn't have patience until Dorian was born. Bro, I didn't have 990 01:09:02,239 --> 01:09:06,439 none. And I taught you patience, app to fucking looken, definitely taught 991 01:09:06,479 --> 01:09:11,720 the patience. It definitely taught me to it definitely. It definitely taught me 992 01:09:11,800 --> 01:09:15,960 patience and and it also taught me that no matter how I looked at myself 993 01:09:15,960 --> 01:09:17,479 in the mirror that morning, my son never looked at me like that. 994 01:09:17,640 --> 01:09:24,600 Yeah, you always a superhero. They're always bro And having kids is the 995 01:09:24,640 --> 01:09:29,880 most irresponsible thing I've ever done financially, But it's the best decision I've made, 996 01:09:30,399 --> 01:09:33,760 hands down, because this experience of being a father and a husband, 997 01:09:34,960 --> 01:09:43,119 it's probably the most satisfying and the most reassuring, but it's also the most 998 01:09:43,159 --> 01:09:47,039 It's also scary as fucked too. But I know that they don't really care 999 01:09:47,159 --> 01:09:50,479 for the things that I care about, you know what I'm saying, Like 1000 01:09:50,479 --> 01:09:57,800 the materialistic things, the money. They don't care about that. And that's 1001 01:09:57,800 --> 01:10:04,600 what I wanted to get back into what you was talking about, Um like 1002 01:10:04,720 --> 01:10:10,600 a man's finances determining how much of a man he is, you know what 1003 01:10:10,680 --> 01:10:15,880 I mean. And that's something that I'm trying to really get out of, 1004 01:10:16,199 --> 01:10:26,119 is finding pleasure in things and trinkets. What do you mean by that? 1005 01:10:26,479 --> 01:10:31,800 Like, man, I'm I'm a shoe nigger. I love shoes. But 1006 01:10:31,880 --> 01:10:34,680 then I'll get to looking at my clothest. Sometime I'm like, man, 1007 01:10:35,000 --> 01:10:40,960 I don't have enough space for all of these goddamn shoes. I need to 1008 01:10:41,000 --> 01:10:45,520 get rid of some of this ship. And then it got me to thinking, 1009 01:10:45,560 --> 01:10:50,000 like why do I have all of this ship? You know what I 1010 01:10:50,000 --> 01:10:56,239 mean? Because like, if you're if you're a person that that finds pleasure 1011 01:10:56,359 --> 01:11:02,279 in things, you're never gonna be happy because it's always gonna be something new 1012 01:11:02,640 --> 01:11:06,079 to replace. You always gonna want something, dude, you know what I 1013 01:11:06,119 --> 01:11:11,520 mean, And you're never gonna be able to satisfy that hunger for whatever it 1014 01:11:11,760 --> 01:11:14,479 is, you know what I mean. So I was like, then I 1015 01:11:14,520 --> 01:11:18,720 got to find a way to come up out of this because it's a it's 1016 01:11:18,720 --> 01:11:25,920 a lot of money being wasted, and I like, I'm never really I'm 1017 01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:30,319 never fulfilled for real, Like I told myself a couple of times lately, 1018 01:11:30,600 --> 01:11:32,720 if I got that, that's all I need. I don't need nothing else. 1019 01:11:33,039 --> 01:11:40,399 Cap take off, saying cap may cap Man, I'm not I've never 1020 01:11:40,439 --> 01:11:42,479 been that person. Bro. You look at my closet. I've had the 1021 01:11:42,520 --> 01:11:45,279 same shoes since two thousand and fourteen. Bro, I don't buy shoes. 1022 01:11:45,319 --> 01:11:48,840 I don't buy clothes, and I and I and I grew up not buying, 1023 01:11:49,439 --> 01:11:54,479 so I guess that's my moneyga Ai. He grew up not buying, 1024 01:11:54,640 --> 01:11:57,119 but now he's buying. He was like, now I'm getting all the Lebrons, 1025 01:11:57,159 --> 01:12:00,039 I want all the Kobies, I want all that shit, and I 1026 01:12:00,119 --> 01:12:03,720 understand it. But for me, I'm just buying all the equipment that I 1027 01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:09,039 want. See, Ay, I's kind of who I was. Yeah, 1028 01:12:09,119 --> 01:12:13,199 you know what I mean. Like I had a like once my mom, 1029 01:12:13,279 --> 01:12:15,439 she came up a little bit and I was able to get like the first 1030 01:12:15,439 --> 01:12:18,439 pair of Jordan's I ever had, with the Jordan elevens, the patent leather 1031 01:12:19,000 --> 01:12:25,680 bread patent leather elevens, and I had to bust my ass to get them. 1032 01:12:26,319 --> 01:12:28,800 Yeah you know what I mean. I was like, I'm not gonna 1033 01:12:28,840 --> 01:12:31,479 buy them straight out, but if you can come up with half, I 1034 01:12:31,640 --> 01:12:34,760 get them for you. So shit, that's what I did. I went 1035 01:12:34,800 --> 01:12:42,000 out. I was out cutting everybody's yard that I could. Shit. Uh 1036 01:12:43,359 --> 01:12:45,920 yeah, I was going door to door, knocking on people's door, shoveling 1037 01:12:46,000 --> 01:12:49,800 snow, all that shit, doing whatever I had to to get them. 1038 01:12:49,920 --> 01:12:54,880 And shit, that just created that one for him. But I always wanted 1039 01:12:54,920 --> 01:12:58,640 to be a fly nigga, you know what I mean. And we was 1040 01:12:58,720 --> 01:13:00,760 cool. I wasn't never sucked up for real, but black. My mom 1041 01:13:00,880 --> 01:13:05,239 was a thrift shopper. Shit we went to Goodwill and she always kept me 1042 01:13:05,279 --> 01:13:10,560 in some nice shit. I didn't never look fucked up, but I knew 1043 01:13:10,560 --> 01:13:14,279 how to put some shit together. And that's pretty much what I'd be on 1044 01:13:14,479 --> 01:13:19,680 now, you know what I mean. And it just developed, you know 1045 01:13:19,720 --> 01:13:25,079 what I mean, that love that should just morphed into something else. Yeah, 1046 01:13:25,840 --> 01:13:28,880 and it's it's kind of ridiculous. Now it's like, man, I 1047 01:13:28,920 --> 01:13:31,920 gotta get rid of somebody's ship. Yeah. I think that the thing about 1048 01:13:32,119 --> 01:13:38,119 shoes is that you can always be a reseller, like or to find a 1049 01:13:38,119 --> 01:13:41,840 different way, to find a different way to to to harbor that love that 1050 01:13:41,880 --> 01:13:44,800 you have for buying new shoes or whatever the case may be. Like it's 1051 01:13:44,800 --> 01:13:49,680 always it's always a way to monetize or monetize off of that. So it's 1052 01:13:49,720 --> 01:13:53,760 not really nothing to worry about. The problem. The problem come in. 1053 01:13:54,000 --> 01:14:00,239 The problem. The problem arises when let's shop you find them amount to nothing. 1054 01:14:01,319 --> 01:14:04,680 And recently I went and got, uh, these speakers, these great 1055 01:14:04,680 --> 01:14:08,760 speakers. I'm gonna put him. I'm gonna move these from right here and 1056 01:14:08,800 --> 01:14:13,439 put them up here to create an atmost room, and didn't get another to 1057 01:14:13,720 --> 01:14:15,279 another one of those put right there, another one of those for right there, 1058 01:14:15,720 --> 01:14:18,520 so it could be seven point one point two. But when I went 1059 01:14:18,600 --> 01:14:20,760 to go get those speakers, I got him from my cousin's house because I 1060 01:14:20,760 --> 01:14:27,079 gave him to him like two years ago. But his sister has cancer and 1061 01:14:27,239 --> 01:14:31,520 she's slowly but surely dying, and uh may, I'm telling you, bro, 1062 01:14:31,640 --> 01:14:34,079 it's all around this bro. But when I went down to his basement, 1063 01:14:34,159 --> 01:14:35,800 nigga, all their stuff was done there, and I was like, 1064 01:14:35,920 --> 01:14:41,199 damn, we just become an accumulation of shit. And I just that just 1065 01:14:41,239 --> 01:14:44,199 really was. And then my father in law when he passed, he left 1066 01:14:44,239 --> 01:14:45,880 all this type of ship. We got so much, so many tools, 1067 01:14:45,920 --> 01:14:51,760 bro, so many motherfuckers, lawn Moore's nigga. We got nigga easily, 1068 01:14:51,760 --> 01:14:57,159 ten lawn mores nigga easily, six weed wrackers nigga, every tool you can 1069 01:14:57,199 --> 01:14:59,720 imagine. They get a tool to take the engines out. We got three 1070 01:14:59,760 --> 01:15:02,760 cars, and like it's so much shit that it's so much shit that we 1071 01:15:02,760 --> 01:15:05,720 don't know where to even start. You know what I'm saying, And that's 1072 01:15:05,720 --> 01:15:10,399 what I don't want to be like because that shit never that ship didn't save 1073 01:15:10,439 --> 01:15:12,720 his life, and that ship didn't bring him any joint in life. It 1074 01:15:12,840 --> 01:15:16,560 just became another responsibility, bro, for someone else, for somebody, for 1075 01:15:16,720 --> 01:15:21,640 me, nigga. So with me, I'm trying to only buy things like 1076 01:15:21,720 --> 01:15:28,560 that that microphone that you body recording. It's new, but that microphone has 1077 01:15:28,600 --> 01:15:31,000 another purpose and I only ever buy it again. This nigga got like ten 1078 01:15:31,079 --> 01:15:35,800 of these holes. But the thing about that is it only there's another version 1079 01:15:35,800 --> 01:15:39,680 of the microphone that I'm gonna get. There's another version. There's always extra 1080 01:15:40,039 --> 01:15:45,279 that and it only means something that you only means something to me. But 1081 01:15:45,680 --> 01:15:46,880 from more, you can take it somewhere and sell it. Though. Okay, 1082 01:15:47,039 --> 01:15:49,079 she can sell all of the ship, but you could do that with 1083 01:15:49,119 --> 01:15:54,439 the way ackers and one I'm gonna do. I'm deaf gonna sell them. 1084 01:15:54,479 --> 01:15:58,399 Okay, I'm selling that. Don't getting fucked up. But he had it, 1085 01:15:58,439 --> 01:16:00,359 bro, when we move into this house. He had all of those 1086 01:16:00,039 --> 01:16:02,960 lamars. I had this, He had the ship, and he wasn't trying. 1087 01:16:03,039 --> 01:16:06,199 He held he was just sitting on it, he was sitting on it. 1088 01:16:06,279 --> 01:16:09,960 I had to go buy out a wee Wacker and buy a Lamar. 1089 01:16:10,039 --> 01:16:12,399 And when I found out that he had so many, I got mad. 1090 01:16:13,439 --> 01:16:15,680 You just a fuck you didn't get your daughter this motherfucking like and it may 1091 01:16:15,800 --> 01:16:18,399 it just made it just brought up so many questions, and I'm trying not 1092 01:16:18,439 --> 01:16:21,119 to. I'm trying not to do that because I don't want to question who 1093 01:16:21,159 --> 01:16:25,600 he was because who he was is not who he was. Who he was, 1094 01:16:25,880 --> 01:16:28,520 he can't hear them more so he can't defend himself. So I don't 1095 01:16:28,520 --> 01:16:30,159 even want to go down the rabbit hole. But I'll be over analyzing shit 1096 01:16:30,239 --> 01:16:33,560 like a motherfucker bro. But I don't want to become that nigga just to 1097 01:16:34,279 --> 01:16:36,920 I'll be trying to. I'll be trying to have my wife just throw shit 1098 01:16:38,000 --> 01:16:39,800 away, like we don't need this. If we didn't touched it in the 1099 01:16:39,880 --> 01:16:41,640 year, get rid of it now. I don't want to. If we 1100 01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:44,279 ain't touched it in the year, the mean we went through all the seasons 1101 01:16:44,960 --> 01:16:46,880 and didn't touch it, never need it, never needed it, So we 1102 01:16:46,880 --> 01:16:48,960 don't need it. Let's just get rid of it. And then if we 1103 01:16:49,000 --> 01:16:53,720 get if we need to get it again. Then we just get it again. 1104 01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,760 But for right now, no. I had a bunch of button ups 1105 01:16:56,760 --> 01:17:00,359 and ship that I was wearing when I worked at the Zoo. But COVID 1106 01:17:00,399 --> 01:17:03,079 came, Nigga and I and I started doing black Wood a full time. 1107 01:17:04,159 --> 01:17:06,720 I would it went. I was a year and a half with I was 1108 01:17:06,720 --> 01:17:10,319 wearing some of them button ups and I it was just it was like a 1109 01:17:10,399 --> 01:17:12,520 bunch of them. I just get this ship through my nigga Mike saying. 1110 01:17:12,560 --> 01:17:14,600 I was like here, bro, here. He was like, Nigga, 1111 01:17:14,600 --> 01:17:16,000 are you sure. I was like, bro, I don't. I'm not. 1112 01:17:16,119 --> 01:17:18,840 I'm not going to wear these ever again. My wife was like, 1113 01:17:18,880 --> 01:17:21,359 why are you dude? I said, bro, just taking up space. 1114 01:17:24,000 --> 01:17:27,399 I only need a white one, a black one, a great one, 1115 01:17:27,479 --> 01:17:30,760 a blue one. You know what I'm saying. But I just don't want 1116 01:17:30,760 --> 01:17:36,000 to. I don't want my trauma to and I think that and we can 1117 01:17:36,079 --> 01:17:39,800 end on this, we can finally get through the cord. But I don't 1118 01:17:39,800 --> 01:17:46,479 want my trauma to be the reason why I piled myself with stress and die. 1119 01:17:47,640 --> 01:17:50,199 I want to I want to experience the world, and I want to 1120 01:17:50,199 --> 01:17:55,039 experience people for who they are and not who I and not who my trauma 1121 01:17:55,119 --> 01:17:59,159 is telling me they are? You know what I'm saying. Like one day 1122 01:17:59,199 --> 01:18:01,239 I was just in here and I was like, man, am I Am 1123 01:18:01,239 --> 01:18:03,880 I? As close to Buyron as I can be? Because I was like, 1124 01:18:03,920 --> 01:18:09,359 am I am I? Am I useful to him? Am I useful 1125 01:18:09,399 --> 01:18:13,520 to Jessica? Am I useful to like people? That's that I used constantly 1126 01:18:13,520 --> 01:18:15,079 for Black Widow. So I had to ask Brittany. She's a start, 1127 01:18:15,159 --> 01:18:19,399 she's starting this one and she was in season three two. I was like, 1128 01:18:19,520 --> 01:18:25,239 am I, am I? Do you feel safe enough to ask me 1129 01:18:25,479 --> 01:18:28,920 of what you need from me? Do I provide that for you? She's 1130 01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:30,920 like, yeah, all right, bet, I'm only going to ask once. 1131 01:18:31,119 --> 01:18:33,760 You know what I'm saying. But I feel like a lot of people 1132 01:18:33,760 --> 01:18:36,880 don't ask me for help and then they put out some bullshit and I just 1133 01:18:36,920 --> 01:18:40,720 get mad, you know what I'm saying. But then I don't want to 1134 01:18:40,720 --> 01:18:45,560 be overly critiqued. But it's it's if you're my friend and you put out 1135 01:18:45,600 --> 01:18:49,640 audio and it sounds ass and you never asked me how to make it sound 1136 01:18:49,680 --> 01:18:53,920 better. I don't feel like we're friends. That's how I feel this is 1137 01:18:53,920 --> 01:18:58,760 the only thing I'm good at is audio and talking, so and I have 1138 01:18:58,840 --> 01:19:00,960 to I have to tell myself. I have to tell myself that it's not 1139 01:19:01,039 --> 01:19:04,279 me. But I'll be feeling like, why didn't they ask me for help? 1140 01:19:04,760 --> 01:19:10,680 Do I not make Do I not make myself? Um? Do I 1141 01:19:10,800 --> 01:19:14,239 not make it easier to talk to me or ask for help? Do I 1142 01:19:14,439 --> 01:19:17,640 do I talk down to people when they ask for I'm asking all these things 1143 01:19:17,640 --> 01:19:20,239 because I want to be better fathering, a better husband, and a better 1144 01:19:20,239 --> 01:19:25,880 friend. So I'm but I do understand that everybody got their own ship going 1145 01:19:25,920 --> 01:19:30,279 on, but I just want to I just want to be a vessel for 1146 01:19:30,359 --> 01:19:34,119 people to have to utilize, not take advantage of what to utilize should they 1147 01:19:34,159 --> 01:19:38,760 need me. And I'm trying to provide. I'm trying to become a version 1148 01:19:38,800 --> 01:19:43,159 of myself that is lighter to communicate with and not just so you know what 1149 01:19:43,199 --> 01:19:45,720 I'm saying. But that's just me being a nigga and over analyzing everything because 1150 01:19:45,760 --> 01:19:51,680 I want to be I want my funeral to be fat man. That that 1151 01:19:53,159 --> 01:19:56,479 was what about thoughts of what time to be? Like ship? I want 1152 01:19:56,479 --> 01:19:59,359 I want my funeral be fat too, man. But at the same time. 1153 01:19:59,439 --> 01:20:00,920 Man, all the old people that really didn't matter. It's the people, 1154 01:20:00,960 --> 01:20:02,920 the people that need to be there, gonna be there, man, 1155 01:20:03,119 --> 01:20:08,159 that is true. So I don't really give a fuck no more because it's 1156 01:20:08,159 --> 01:20:12,439 stressful. Her. Yeah, it's stressful. And I just we just put 1157 01:20:12,479 --> 01:20:15,359 this, this this large amount of stress that just sitting in our body. 1158 01:20:15,359 --> 01:20:17,520 Bro. I could feel it, but I feel it in my body. 1159 01:20:17,520 --> 01:20:21,000 Bro, I can feel it just like in my body and I and I 1160 01:20:21,159 --> 01:20:27,239 and I'm having to acknowledge it and get rid of it, kind of like 1161 01:20:27,319 --> 01:20:31,159 similar to her dad's stuff. Acknowledging it, get rid of it. Either 1162 01:20:31,319 --> 01:20:35,079 find useful fine, find a useful reason to have it, or get rid 1163 01:20:35,119 --> 01:20:39,039 of it, because it ain't doing shit but crowding your space, crowding your 1164 01:20:39,039 --> 01:20:41,880 blood vessels, nagging, It's making you just irritable. It's making you not 1165 01:20:41,960 --> 01:20:45,239 want to go out. It's making you not it's making me they don't even 1166 01:20:45,279 --> 01:20:48,359 want to go nowhere and see nobody. I ain't seen nobody in for everybody. 1167 01:20:48,399 --> 01:20:50,920 It could be because I got toddlers and ship you know what I'm saying, 1168 01:20:51,119 --> 01:20:55,359 kids, So I don't know, man, It's something that I'm actually 1169 01:20:55,479 --> 01:20:58,600 really dealing with right now. It's a book that I'm reading called The Five 1170 01:20:58,680 --> 01:21:01,079 Rules to Attached Me. I don't know what I mean. And it's about 1171 01:21:01,159 --> 01:21:06,000 look it up. Yeah, it's it's about it. It's talking about that 1172 01:21:06,439 --> 01:21:12,600 very thing right there, man, like detaching things, being able to detach 1173 01:21:12,640 --> 01:21:18,840 from things that don't really serve you. So because five Rules will Attached Me 1174 01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:27,840 so by Don Miguel Rue as Junior Rules Attachment, I should ain't hopping up 1175 01:21:27,840 --> 01:21:34,960 in the audio books later. H yeah, all of this. I mean, 1176 01:21:35,359 --> 01:21:38,880 what has the book talked you so far? I only got through the 1177 01:21:38,880 --> 01:21:43,439 first shot career, man, That's That's where I'm at, just trying to, 1178 01:21:45,600 --> 01:21:47,479 just trying, just trying to. And I think that this series, 1179 01:21:47,520 --> 01:21:50,159 bro, Honestly, I think that this series is kind of like my first 1180 01:21:50,199 --> 01:22:00,319 attempt to really try to do something in Wild People because the first Yeah, 1181 01:22:00,159 --> 01:22:03,319 so you don't think Black Widow did that. I didn't purposely do it. 1182 01:22:03,359 --> 01:22:08,239 No, I didn't purposely. Bro. You look at this room, bro 1183 01:22:08,439 --> 01:22:13,520 Versus when you first came, don't look nothing like, nothing like. But 1184 01:22:13,640 --> 01:22:16,680 I'm go've learned so much, you know what I'm saying. Dumb white people 1185 01:22:16,680 --> 01:22:24,439 at Q cole Man. They really and the engineers and all the producers, 1186 01:22:24,439 --> 01:22:26,279 like, they've really been. They've really been nice to me. Man, 1187 01:22:26,279 --> 01:22:28,560 they've really been. And it could be because of who their boss is. 1188 01:22:28,600 --> 01:22:30,920 In the relationship that I have with their boss. I don't even know why 1189 01:22:30,920 --> 01:22:32,840 he was. I don't even know why he's so nice to me. Name 1190 01:22:32,960 --> 01:22:38,119 like Kaleidoscope that's on Netflix. He did that, that's his ship. So 1191 01:22:39,560 --> 01:22:42,079 he was doing a movie with Nick Nicholas Cage right now, and they got 1192 01:22:42,119 --> 01:22:45,079 texting him and I was like, Yo, how how because that's one of 1193 01:22:45,119 --> 01:22:47,359 his bucket list is to work with Nicolas Cage. And I was like, 1194 01:22:47,479 --> 01:22:49,359 Yo, how is Nick? He was like, man, it's the best 1195 01:22:49,399 --> 01:22:53,920 experience and he's super short, but I got it. I can call him 1196 01:22:53,960 --> 01:22:56,479 and ask him you know what I'm saying, and he'll answer and he'll you 1197 01:22:56,479 --> 01:22:59,039 know what I mean. But they ain't gotta be nice to me like that. 1198 01:22:59,079 --> 01:23:01,640 But Black Widow, for they kind of like they see, they see 1199 01:23:01,680 --> 01:23:06,319 the work that we put in and that amounts to something to them, you 1200 01:23:06,359 --> 01:23:09,199 know what I'm saying. So with this one, it's kind of like, 1201 01:23:09,199 --> 01:23:15,920 Okay, I got people, I have a so I have a It's kind 1202 01:23:15,920 --> 01:23:19,600 of like having a superpower and you're just using it. You're just using it 1203 01:23:19,840 --> 01:23:26,960 willy nilly, not really understanding the benefit of it. That's what every Blackwoodow 1204 01:23:27,119 --> 01:23:29,560 was, all of that ship, season one, two, three, all 1205 01:23:29,640 --> 01:23:34,840 the diaries. It never was intentional to get me from here to there this 1206 01:23:34,920 --> 01:23:40,279 series, Well, who I cast and why casted? And what microphone I'm 1207 01:23:40,399 --> 01:23:43,000 using, and what sound effects I'm using, and what headphones I'm using a 1208 01:23:43,079 --> 01:23:49,520 mix and the speakers I'm using the mix. Everything is very intentional because when 1209 01:23:49,560 --> 01:23:56,199 you can, when you can d M people and they respond, writers, 1210 01:23:56,319 --> 01:24:00,920 producers, movie movie execs, and they respond, this is what everybody do 1211 01:24:00,960 --> 01:24:04,399 on Instagram. It could be a bitch. It could be a woman. 1212 01:24:04,439 --> 01:24:06,560 I'm sorry, it could be a woman, or it could be a thirsty 1213 01:24:06,600 --> 01:24:12,439 ass naked for a woman. Somebody gonna DMU and they might say, some 1214 01:24:12,520 --> 01:24:15,680 Outlander ship you need to be you need to be with me. If you 1215 01:24:15,720 --> 01:24:20,960 go to the page and the page look like they could possibly be with you, 1216 01:24:21,199 --> 01:24:24,840 you're gonna take it as a joke and you're gonna l ol, and 1217 01:24:24,840 --> 01:24:29,119 you're gonna start a conversation because that person looks like they should have said that 1218 01:24:29,159 --> 01:24:33,239 to you. If that's how that's what black Wood is. And I never 1219 01:24:33,279 --> 01:24:39,600 realized that what one? Where do you want to What do you want to 1220 01:24:39,640 --> 01:24:41,920 do with your life with this? Do you want to be a voice height? 1221 01:24:42,000 --> 01:24:43,319 Do you want to be a producer? Do you want to be as 1222 01:24:43,319 --> 01:24:46,279 sound design? All right, figure that out first, whenever, whatever you 1223 01:24:46,359 --> 01:24:50,479 decide. Now, when you go into somebody's DM and you send them a 1224 01:24:50,520 --> 01:24:56,079 link, this is that. And I've gotten responses that I never thought that 1225 01:24:56,119 --> 01:24:59,399 I would get, you know what I'm saying. So it's kind of like, 1226 01:24:59,439 --> 01:25:01,359 all right, well, what else can we do? Then? What 1227 01:25:01,399 --> 01:25:03,359 else can we do? Then? What else can we do? Then? 1228 01:25:03,359 --> 01:25:05,800 Because the next series I'm doing, you could you could be the guy on 1229 01:25:05,840 --> 01:25:10,680 that one too, But that was that series was the series that the movie 1230 01:25:10,680 --> 01:25:13,600 produced to me to make in twenty twenty. He was like, hey man, 1231 01:25:13,680 --> 01:25:16,439 just redo Fatal Attraction, but a black version. I was like, 1232 01:25:16,439 --> 01:25:20,439 all right, it took me this loan to actually be satisfied with it, 1233 01:25:21,279 --> 01:25:25,800 so we're gonna descript the script. So now I'm reading, like, yes, 1234 01:25:26,560 --> 01:25:29,359 yes, we're gonna go crazy with this motherfucker. But then now I 1235 01:25:29,399 --> 01:25:33,159 know he said, he said, I see everything you post, but I 1236 01:25:33,199 --> 01:25:36,359 listen to nothing. I'm only gonna listen to what you tell me to listen 1237 01:25:36,359 --> 01:25:40,560 to. So that's gonna be the one that I'd be like, hey, 1238 01:25:41,079 --> 01:25:44,760 here it is, check it out, and my life can change. And 1239 01:25:44,800 --> 01:25:47,239 it may not, it may not, nothing may not happen, but he 1240 01:25:47,279 --> 01:25:51,680 has he has the ability to help me change my life. And that's what 1241 01:25:51,800 --> 01:25:55,680 I'm and that's what I'm realizing. That's the only thing that matters right now 1242 01:25:55,720 --> 01:26:01,479 to me. And I have to make sure that my ship days afloat the 1243 01:26:01,479 --> 01:26:06,319 best way that they can while I navigate to that spot. But it can 1244 01:26:06,399 --> 01:26:10,279 be a very it could be stressful, and I have to find better ways 1245 01:26:10,279 --> 01:26:13,159 to manage that stress while I'm trying to get my boat to that to the 1246 01:26:13,199 --> 01:26:15,479 next doot. You feel what I'm saying. So that's where our health and 1247 01:26:15,479 --> 01:26:18,399 ship come in and that and working out and this and that and that and 1248 01:26:18,479 --> 01:26:25,399 that. But like you said, we're black men navigating this for the first 1249 01:26:25,399 --> 01:26:28,760 time. So I have some grace for me because I have no idea what 1250 01:26:28,800 --> 01:26:31,279 I'm doing. Like at thirty six, I think I look better than my 1251 01:26:31,319 --> 01:26:34,039 dad did at thirty six, but my dad didn't have as many kids as 1252 01:26:34,119 --> 01:26:39,359 I have right now. And I'm not sure he was as happy with his 1253 01:26:39,399 --> 01:26:41,880 wife, and I ain't with mine, you know what I'm saying, Like, 1254 01:26:41,920 --> 01:26:45,279 I can't. I know where niggas was at physically when they were my 1255 01:26:45,399 --> 01:26:48,359 age, but mentally and emotionally, I don't know where they was at and 1256 01:26:48,399 --> 01:26:50,600 they'll never be honest with me about it, you know what I'm saying. 1257 01:26:50,720 --> 01:26:59,560 So I ain't no. As a man, I try to find ways to 1258 01:26:59,600 --> 01:27:02,800 gauge I'm doing something right or whatever, and there's there isn't one. Are 1259 01:27:02,800 --> 01:27:05,920 you able to have the type of conversations with your nigga? Yeah? Me, 1260 01:27:05,960 --> 01:27:10,079 either, I can't. I can't really have no. I can't have 1261 01:27:10,159 --> 01:27:14,520 that conversation either. That's that's the tough part. That's the like, it's 1262 01:27:14,560 --> 01:27:16,840 like, Nigga helped me, Nigga, Like, I'm I don't give a 1263 01:27:16,840 --> 01:27:19,239 funk about none of the shit that you did before. I don't give about 1264 01:27:19,239 --> 01:27:23,159 none of that. Nigga helped me today, helped me right now, and 1265 01:27:23,439 --> 01:27:27,840 he's met emotionally he ain't And that shit so frustrating, bro. Like, 1266 01:27:28,520 --> 01:27:31,039 I'm like, Nigga, I don't give a funk about none of that. 1267 01:27:31,039 --> 01:27:33,800 Ship. I was watching something that I cried earlier and they got watching the 1268 01:27:33,800 --> 01:27:40,399 Shrink. I was watching Shrinking on Apple TV and Henry Harrison Ford is a 1269 01:27:40,680 --> 01:27:45,159 is a shrink and he's been a shrink and his daughter he put his career 1270 01:27:45,239 --> 01:27:48,119 before his daughter. So his daughter moved Nigga halfway across the country, Nigga 1271 01:27:48,560 --> 01:27:54,239 to get away from him. So he's getting all the time, he's getting 1272 01:27:54,399 --> 01:27:57,920 Uh, he's getting something. I can't remember what it is. But he 1273 01:27:58,079 --> 01:28:00,720 needs assistance now and his daughters on only one that can help him. So 1274 01:28:01,159 --> 01:28:04,399 she comes and was like, Yo, you should move in with me, 1275 01:28:04,479 --> 01:28:08,039 my son and my husband. He was like, I can't. I'm not 1276 01:28:08,079 --> 01:28:11,199 retired yet. So she gets frustrated, like you always picking and work over 1277 01:28:11,920 --> 01:28:15,359 da. So he's at the telling of his career. You're about to get 1278 01:28:15,359 --> 01:28:17,439 an award, a lifetime achieve him an award. So he asked his daughter, 1279 01:28:17,520 --> 01:28:19,600 Yo, do you like Vegas? She said, yeah, do you 1280 01:28:19,600 --> 01:28:23,039 want to come to Vegas? Do you and your family want to come to 1281 01:28:23,079 --> 01:28:24,479 Vegas with me? And she was like why. He was like, I'm 1282 01:28:24,479 --> 01:28:27,760 getting awards. She's a day you go pick and work over your family. 1283 01:28:28,319 --> 01:28:31,680 She said, I can't come anyway because my son has a recital and then 1284 01:28:31,800 --> 01:28:36,119 he and the show makes you believe that he got a date to go to 1285 01:28:36,680 --> 01:28:41,239 to go to the award ceremony, but he asked the girl that he's dating 1286 01:28:41,319 --> 01:28:45,159 to go to the recital, and the way that his daughter looked when he 1287 01:28:45,239 --> 01:28:48,159 sat next to him and was like, I'm I'm I'm going to he was 1288 01:28:48,199 --> 01:28:50,399 like, I'm going to make a conscious decision to be a better father, 1289 01:28:51,279 --> 01:28:55,039 and she grabbed his hand and I started crying because I'm like, damn, 1290 01:28:55,800 --> 01:28:59,720 I always wanted you to just like turn around and just like acknowledge, like, 1291 01:29:00,600 --> 01:29:03,079 oh, I have a son here, he needs my help. I 1292 01:29:03,199 --> 01:29:06,840 kind of gotta get out of my way to be a better, better father 1293 01:29:06,880 --> 01:29:10,520 for him. And I don't know when that I ever go away, you 1294 01:29:10,560 --> 01:29:14,239 know what I'm saying, Because I want you to help me navigate this shit, 1295 01:29:14,319 --> 01:29:17,840 and I want us to talk as men, but you you are so 1296 01:29:17,960 --> 01:29:26,600 emotionally just not You're just not there emotionally, and I and it's I had 1297 01:29:26,640 --> 01:29:30,239 to stop taking a personal because maybe you're just not that nigga, you know 1298 01:29:30,279 --> 01:29:32,680 what I'm saying. Maybe you just can't Maybe you just don't know how to 1299 01:29:32,800 --> 01:29:36,000 you don't know how to be so I can't keep getting mad at you. 1300 01:29:36,079 --> 01:29:40,680 But you don't even know that. You don't know how to be so when 1301 01:29:40,680 --> 01:29:44,079 I come, when I come to you, I might be seeming super sensitive, 1302 01:29:44,720 --> 01:29:46,520 but to me, you're not sensitive enough. You know what I'm saying. 1303 01:29:46,560 --> 01:29:54,600 So you you, you, you, You're a fucking robot. You're 1304 01:29:54,640 --> 01:29:58,520 work you. You worse than chat GPT because at least chat GPT can tell 1305 01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:01,239 me some shit the type you ain't even giving me any instructions on how to 1306 01:30:01,359 --> 01:30:05,279 navigate an under the ship and all the advice you give me is bad because 1307 01:30:05,279 --> 01:30:10,479 you're emotionally irresponsible, so I can't even ask you for advice. So really, 1308 01:30:10,479 --> 01:30:14,640 this relationship is useless, But I don't want to throw it away because 1309 01:30:15,119 --> 01:30:17,800 one day I want you to realize, oh shit, I need to be 1310 01:30:17,840 --> 01:30:25,079 a father to Eric, and so that that that dealing with that still like 1311 01:30:25,119 --> 01:30:29,119 that ain't gonna never go nowhere, But I still want I Because of that, 1312 01:30:29,359 --> 01:30:30,880 I know that I had to be a better I know that I have 1313 01:30:31,000 --> 01:30:36,000 to be who I need to be for my son and love on my son 1314 01:30:36,039 --> 01:30:40,239 and hug on my son because I noticed that he was watching me hug on 1315 01:30:40,359 --> 01:30:43,520 my daughters and kiss on him and I know it's how he was looking at 1316 01:30:43,520 --> 01:30:45,920 me. So I just grabbed him and hugged on him, and he reacted 1317 01:30:45,359 --> 01:30:49,760 like finally, and I was like, oh shit, I'm glad that ain't 1318 01:30:49,800 --> 01:30:56,520 going too long, you know what I'm saying. But yeah, I just 1319 01:30:56,520 --> 01:31:00,279 wish that I had I just wish that I had a father to communicate with 1320 01:31:00,760 --> 01:31:04,119 about this life ship. Yeah, because he's here. It's like, Nigga, 1321 01:31:04,119 --> 01:31:09,640 you might as well be dead because you ain't serving a purpose. And 1322 01:31:09,720 --> 01:31:13,199 that shit hurtful. It hurts, you know what I'm saying, Man, 1323 01:31:15,279 --> 01:31:20,239 Yeah, that's shit. It's it's it's tough because honestly, I feel like 1324 01:31:20,439 --> 01:31:26,399 I'm walking on water. I feel like in podcasts and this and this conversation 1325 01:31:26,439 --> 01:31:30,079 that I had with the with the podcast host recently just kind of confirmed that. 1326 01:31:30,199 --> 01:31:34,760 Like she's like, yeah, you're your numbers are ridiculous. She said, 1327 01:31:34,760 --> 01:31:38,880 if you can be consistent with it, like every week until you'll be 1328 01:31:38,880 --> 01:31:41,680 out of here. And I was like, I know, but to be 1329 01:31:41,680 --> 01:31:45,199 recognized, I'm only recognized by like you Jones, like people who actually pie, 1330 01:31:45,239 --> 01:31:48,560 they'd be like Nigga, yea, yeah, but I want my wife 1331 01:31:48,560 --> 01:31:53,920 don't give a fuck about none of this make my dad nobody, because it's 1332 01:31:53,920 --> 01:31:56,760 not a land that they navigate in. It's not a land that they navigate 1333 01:31:56,840 --> 01:32:00,840 in and until it comes and then and and I don't know what would make 1334 01:32:00,880 --> 01:32:04,920 them ever, But I feel like I'm walking on water right now, and 1335 01:32:04,920 --> 01:32:10,000 I don't feel like nobody's really noticing. But it's a common it's a common 1336 01:32:10,000 --> 01:32:12,720 feeling, though, So I have to tell myself that it's not personal. 1337 01:32:13,520 --> 01:32:16,680 They just don't know. They just don't know. Man, But like you 1338 01:32:16,800 --> 01:32:20,840 getting like you, you going from Friday to Saturday, djan to me, 1339 01:32:20,880 --> 01:32:25,800 I understand what that means, but nobody else probably understands what that means. 1340 01:32:27,279 --> 01:32:29,479 So it's like, damn, I want. I want y'all to jump for 1341 01:32:29,560 --> 01:32:33,800 joy for me, But y'all responses ain't y'all responses making me not want to 1342 01:32:33,840 --> 01:32:43,199 tell y'all when things like this happen. Yeah, I don't know how to 1343 01:32:43,279 --> 01:32:48,560 navigate that party. Man, Just keep living man out one day. Yeah, 1344 01:32:48,640 --> 01:32:51,479 oh yeah, we gotta record, man. I don't keep you too 1345 01:32:51,840 --> 01:32:57,039 now. You're good man, that father ship. But every time I think 1346 01:32:57,079 --> 01:33:00,239 I'm over that ship, bro, I see a scene like that that my 1347 01:33:00,279 --> 01:33:02,239 fucking will Smith. Why don't he love me? Shit, Nigga, that 1348 01:33:02,359 --> 01:33:09,199 shit still makes me be like yeah, yeah, yeah, especially when he 1349 01:33:09,279 --> 01:33:11,199 was like, I learned how to couple. He said, he didn't teach 1350 01:33:11,199 --> 01:33:14,680 me to the girls. But I got damn good at the dinner because I 1351 01:33:14,720 --> 01:33:16,199 was thinking about, you know, just the hurt that I caused girls in 1352 01:33:16,199 --> 01:33:18,319 the past, from all the trauma that I've ended, and I was like, 1353 01:33:20,000 --> 01:33:26,880 I hate that. I hate that version of myself. Man. Uh 1354 01:33:27,560 --> 01:33:32,399 yeah, uh. You sometimes you see some of the like ugly traits in 1355 01:33:32,479 --> 01:33:35,800 yourself, man, you know what I mean, and you liking them to 1356 01:33:36,840 --> 01:33:45,319 your father, you know what I mean? But um, part of that 1357 01:33:45,359 --> 01:33:48,000 is you like a lot of that might not even necessarily be true, man, 1358 01:33:48,920 --> 01:33:51,800 you know what I mean. You just owning up to it just because 1359 01:33:51,840 --> 01:33:56,800 that's how you feel about it. M uh man. It's another book that 1360 01:33:56,840 --> 01:33:59,640 I was reading man called No More Mister Knights Guy. Man. It was 1361 01:33:59,640 --> 01:34:05,600 talking about like that very thing. Man, Like most quote unquote nice guys, 1362 01:34:05,640 --> 01:34:11,319 they feel a certain way about their pops, and they overcompensate by how 1363 01:34:11,359 --> 01:34:24,000 they treat other well women must specifically just because they don't want to be like 1364 01:34:24,279 --> 01:34:29,159 their father. Yeah. Yeah, you feel like you do that I have. 1365 01:34:30,000 --> 01:34:36,920 Yeah, yeah, definitely, Uh it's tough man, Yeah it's super 1366 01:34:36,960 --> 01:34:42,079 tough, bro, it's super tough, and I don't and yeah, it's 1367 01:34:42,079 --> 01:34:45,079 just super tough. I don't really know what to do about it, though, 1368 01:34:46,359 --> 01:34:51,159 because I'm acknowledging it and my wife is doing a good job of helping 1369 01:34:51,199 --> 01:35:00,520 me understand that I am good enough. But sometimes I think I think producing 1370 01:35:00,520 --> 01:35:04,000 the pot and not getting a response to I thought I wanted before. I 1371 01:35:04,079 --> 01:35:08,479 think that was playing a big role. It was too similar to what I 1372 01:35:08,520 --> 01:35:13,279 was used to feeling. I think that I think that most creators, man, 1373 01:35:13,319 --> 01:35:15,520 well, who are you getting a response fro him? Though I don't 1374 01:35:15,520 --> 01:35:19,880 know because everybody to say, like it's hello, Awards right behind me Nigga 1375 01:35:20,039 --> 01:35:25,399 did yeah, But I guess, I guess validation. It is validation, 1376 01:35:26,359 --> 01:35:28,680 but it ain't enough. It's not enough. It's kind of like you with 1377 01:35:28,720 --> 01:35:32,880 the shoes. I want the validation, but no valid no validation is ever 1378 01:35:33,000 --> 01:35:39,119 enough. So the same way you got it, the same way you're figuring 1379 01:35:39,159 --> 01:35:41,600 out what the fuck I'm gonna do with all of these shoes, It's the 1380 01:35:41,640 --> 01:35:45,960 same way I'm figuring out what the fuck I'm gonna do with or how how? 1381 01:35:45,960 --> 01:35:48,319 What what do I? I guess this is what this series for me 1382 01:35:48,479 --> 01:35:57,600 is kind of like the validation that I need doesn't come from anybody else. 1383 01:35:57,640 --> 01:36:00,680 It comes from my resume. Now what if what if it just comes from 1384 01:36:00,760 --> 01:36:04,760 you? Yeah, my resume? Me me? What what? What I 1385 01:36:04,960 --> 01:36:09,720 take? And put what I what I take from this show and put on 1386 01:36:09,760 --> 01:36:12,880 my reel to be happy that, oh I did this, I made this, 1387 01:36:12,960 --> 01:36:15,880 I made I made this. Like the graphics and do I need the 1388 01:36:15,880 --> 01:36:19,039 poster every time I do something to remind me like you did, you know, 1389 01:36:19,159 --> 01:36:20,880 like a plaque you know what I'm saying, to be able to look 1390 01:36:20,920 --> 01:36:25,640 and be like, damn, I did do that because I've at this point 1391 01:36:25,680 --> 01:36:27,840 it's just like a routine. And you know what I'm saying, There is 1392 01:36:27,880 --> 01:36:30,239 no evidence of nothing in this room or anything black with us up. The 1393 01:36:30,239 --> 01:36:35,319 awards, ain't no posters, ain't no. It's just time spent, you 1394 01:36:35,359 --> 01:36:41,119 know. But I am thankful that I have the vessel to create. But 1395 01:36:43,479 --> 01:36:45,199 I have to get out of my own way. I gotta I have to 1396 01:36:46,960 --> 01:36:50,239 shit they like I said, Tyler, period of ship like for real, 1397 01:36:50,279 --> 01:36:55,520 for real and and as much as Nigga you a part of that ship too, 1398 01:36:55,560 --> 01:36:59,600 Like when whenever they were doing them plays, Nigga Nigga probably just thought 1399 01:36:59,600 --> 01:37:05,680 he was up. And then they went on tour and then glout. I 1400 01:37:05,800 --> 01:37:10,720 asked if we at with this? I asked Benoni. Benoni as the president 1401 01:37:10,760 --> 01:37:15,079 of Radio, which is Easter Ray's record company. I texted him and I 1402 01:37:15,079 --> 01:37:16,439 was like, any talk to you? Called me and get what's up. 1403 01:37:16,479 --> 01:37:20,319 And I was like, hey man, when y'all was doing Awkward Black Girl, 1404 01:37:21,640 --> 01:37:25,880 how would you know it was successful? He's like, we didn't. 1405 01:37:27,000 --> 01:37:30,079 He said, easter Ray was doing it and all the people that she had 1406 01:37:30,119 --> 01:37:32,479 on her team, they was on the team and they were just doing it. 1407 01:37:32,600 --> 01:37:35,560 They weren't really getting paid like that. So then they started they needed 1408 01:37:35,560 --> 01:37:40,840 money, so she did the crowdfunding. She said she figured they was only 1409 01:37:40,840 --> 01:37:44,840 getting thirty thousand players at that time. She says, she figured that that's 1410 01:37:44,880 --> 01:37:47,800 success to me, Yeah, yeah, but she's but it wasn't to them. 1411 01:37:48,119 --> 01:37:54,319 She said that they figured that if every every viewer gave them a dollar, 1412 01:37:54,479 --> 01:37:57,600 they had thirty thousand and that would get that would amount to the amount 1413 01:37:57,720 --> 01:38:00,880 money that she felt like it would take to do that. But they got 1414 01:38:00,920 --> 01:38:05,720 all the press because it was a black girl getting a lot of money from 1415 01:38:05,760 --> 01:38:09,720 the crowdfunding because they were like, who is this? Who is this? 1416 01:38:09,760 --> 01:38:13,319 It wasn't because the show was so good and then for Real saw it and 1417 01:38:13,319 --> 01:38:15,239 then for Real funded it, and then it kind of went up from there. 1418 01:38:15,640 --> 01:38:18,800 So he was like, you know, it was all it was always 1419 01:38:18,880 --> 01:38:21,159 we felt like we had to get to the next level. We never really 1420 01:38:21,159 --> 01:38:25,520 appreciated the level that we were at exactly, he said. So he was 1421 01:38:25,560 --> 01:38:30,399 like until they were ABC and then HBO and then booms, Aray is who 1422 01:38:30,680 --> 01:38:32,560 he's Aray is And I was like, damn. He was like, he 1423 01:38:32,600 --> 01:38:35,640 said, bro, you really so you really are doing a good job. 1424 01:38:36,279 --> 01:38:41,359 Definitely, man, And I was like thanks, and he was like, 1425 01:38:41,479 --> 01:38:45,399 just just keep going. But I guess there's no blueprint for the ship, 1426 01:38:45,520 --> 01:38:47,239 you know what I'm saying, So I can't there is no there is no 1427 01:38:48,640 --> 01:38:55,960 there is no there is no um, no checkpoint to say if you're doing 1428 01:38:55,960 --> 01:38:59,119 this, you're doing it correctly. There is there isn't that so but it's 1429 01:38:59,119 --> 01:39:01,439 hard because like you said, like if you could DJ, if you could 1430 01:39:01,479 --> 01:39:05,159 DJ full time four a living, yeah, that would be great, but 1431 01:39:05,279 --> 01:39:09,000 I ain't. I'm not doing this full times I got to do extra shit, 1432 01:39:09,239 --> 01:39:14,840 but I also got to manage my wife, my kids, bills, 1433 01:39:15,159 --> 01:39:18,199 and sometimes sometimes it's hard. It's extremely hard. And like I said, 1434 01:39:18,199 --> 01:39:23,680 when that bank account is zero, nigga, I'm very unpleasant and I'm mostly 1435 01:39:23,720 --> 01:39:27,119 unpleasant to myself, you know what I'm saying, because I beat myself up, 1436 01:39:27,159 --> 01:39:30,560 like did you did I? Did I waste my time? Now I'm 1437 01:39:30,600 --> 01:39:33,680 too Now I'm too far in. I gotta do this ship for a living 1438 01:39:33,760 --> 01:39:38,840 now. So but it's kind of like did I waste my time as a 1439 01:39:38,920 --> 01:39:42,560 kid making music instead of going to college for something else? Just like it's 1440 01:39:43,000 --> 01:39:48,640 it's just accumulation action, an accumulation of ship, an accumulation of self doubt 1441 01:39:48,640 --> 01:39:51,560 that I've had over the years. But it's led me to this space that 1442 01:39:51,680 --> 01:39:55,159 I love so much. But it's kind of like when the ship go bad, 1443 01:39:55,199 --> 01:39:58,840 it's like I started talking to myself the way that my mom's talked, 1444 01:39:58,960 --> 01:40:00,279 you know what I'm saying, Like I started talking to myself like that, 1445 01:40:00,279 --> 01:40:02,640 and she don't talk to me like that no more. But she was younger 1446 01:40:02,760 --> 01:40:06,039 and I'm not putting it on her, but that's the voice that I hear, 1447 01:40:06,199 --> 01:40:10,640 like or just the millions of black women that say niggas ain't shit if 1448 01:40:10,640 --> 01:40:15,159 they ain't got no money. So you just feel like you ain't You're not 1449 01:40:15,359 --> 01:40:18,079 you're never doing enough. Never nigga. What me and my wife was watching 1450 01:40:18,199 --> 01:40:23,479 bobs Burger's last night, nigga and I couldn't relax. I was like, 1451 01:40:23,520 --> 01:40:26,479 I'm supposed to be doing something. She's like, just relax, I said, 1452 01:40:26,479 --> 01:40:29,479 I don't know how to relax, and it just hit me. I 1453 01:40:29,479 --> 01:40:31,119 don't know how to relax, and that could be where the pain coming from 1454 01:40:31,239 --> 01:40:34,800 my body. Just not knowing how to relax. I always feeling like I 1455 01:40:34,800 --> 01:40:38,760 gotta check on the babies. I gotta faux close, I gotta do black 1456 01:40:38,800 --> 01:40:43,000 widdows, I gotta check even It's like I don't know how to just breathe. 1457 01:40:44,319 --> 01:40:46,239 But I think that's the black man thing. Do you know how to 1458 01:40:46,279 --> 01:40:55,600 relax? Like what's relaxation to you? A man? Nah? I really 1459 01:40:55,640 --> 01:41:04,119 don't. Like, Oh, I had an experienced man, like fucking went 1460 01:41:04,319 --> 01:41:10,319 up like shrooms for the first time. When was that recently? Yeah, 1461 01:41:10,920 --> 01:41:15,520 I wasn't. It was cool, but like it really get a chance to 1462 01:41:15,600 --> 01:41:17,920 really take home because I did a really like small though, just because I 1463 01:41:17,960 --> 01:41:23,920 was trying to get into it. But yeah, the thing about it though, 1464 01:41:24,039 --> 01:41:27,319 was like shit, it didn't really do what it was supposed to do 1465 01:41:27,399 --> 01:41:31,439 because I couldn't relax, you know what I mean. And once I was 1466 01:41:31,479 --> 01:41:38,880 able to actually like because I I feel it coming old, and then it 1467 01:41:38,960 --> 01:41:40,840 was like, man, I need to do something. I get up and 1468 01:41:40,880 --> 01:41:45,600 I bring myself out of it and then I had to sit back, breathe 1469 01:41:45,680 --> 01:41:48,520 deep, and then I fall back into it. But I was coming in 1470 01:41:48,640 --> 01:41:53,560 and out of it, you know what I mean. So that little taste 1471 01:41:53,560 --> 01:41:56,920 of it though, that's a great feeling. Though it was that was the 1472 01:41:56,960 --> 01:42:00,920 best feeling to ever bro. Oh that's a great feeling. Oh man, 1473 01:42:00,960 --> 01:42:02,800 But yeah, the fuck you up not being able to relax. Did you 1474 01:42:02,840 --> 01:42:06,680 listen to anything while he was trying to relax? Definitely? What to man, 1475 01:42:06,720 --> 01:42:12,239 it was like this just a mix of like Neo so Ship, just 1476 01:42:12,520 --> 01:42:15,319 R and B and Ship all listening to the Love Below, Nigga, by 1477 01:42:15,399 --> 01:42:18,760 the time you know the album? Yeah, I know you know the album, 1478 01:42:18,800 --> 01:42:21,159 but you know you know the track listen. Yeah, by the time 1479 01:42:24,720 --> 01:42:32,399 by the time, Uh, I don't know, dude, spread ain't it 1480 01:42:32,680 --> 01:42:39,039 Nigga? When they said I felt it. I felt it at the intro 1481 01:42:39,520 --> 01:42:44,760 for when that motherfucker said say see yeah so spread they got my whole body 1482 01:42:44,760 --> 01:42:55,319 said shit shit sp I felt that ship all in my body, nigga, 1483 01:42:55,520 --> 01:43:01,399 and I moved my hands and it was all but fuck music is playing. 1484 01:43:01,399 --> 01:43:08,840 But I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. Oh yeah, 1485 01:43:08,880 --> 01:43:11,760 that was the best feeling ever, nigga. And that happened again when 1486 01:43:11,800 --> 01:43:16,039 I did uh I did shrooms either right before COVID or after COVID. I 1487 01:43:16,079 --> 01:43:25,359 think before and I was listening to frost Flakes by me goes m take off 1488 01:43:25,399 --> 01:43:30,119 and I'll set no me Who's on me? Uh take off in take off 1489 01:43:30,119 --> 01:43:34,760 in Quavo, and I was like, this sounds amazing. But I was 1490 01:43:34,800 --> 01:43:40,199 like, what else is mixed like this? And then I realized the Sickomotives 1491 01:43:40,239 --> 01:43:44,479 mixed the exact same way. Money is mixed the exact same way, and 1492 01:43:44,640 --> 01:43:49,239 uh, cardy money, all the big songs I mixed the exact same way. 1493 01:43:49,760 --> 01:43:54,840 How they used the reverb, how they use how or how far their 1494 01:43:54,920 --> 01:43:57,760 vocals are, all of that, like, it's all mixed the same way. 1495 01:43:58,359 --> 01:44:00,960 And I was like, oh, this this is a science. It's 1496 01:44:01,000 --> 01:44:06,119 a manipulation. Of people's emotions with sound frequencies. I need to pay more 1497 01:44:06,119 --> 01:44:09,920 attends to that, and that's when I start jumping off the deep end with 1498 01:44:10,159 --> 01:44:13,239 the spatial audience and ship like that. But yeah, definitely I opened it. 1499 01:44:13,319 --> 01:44:16,520 But I think my dad should take that ship. Your dad should take 1500 01:44:16,520 --> 01:44:20,399 that ship. All old black man should take that ship. Sure was wonder 1501 01:44:20,640 --> 01:44:29,279 what Sometimes I don't want that needed experience with nothing else. Yeah, but 1502 01:44:29,399 --> 01:44:33,520 yeah, man, thank you for taking this time communicate. I just the 1503 01:44:33,640 --> 01:44:40,239 stress man and stress and how people deal with it. I just want to 1504 01:44:40,279 --> 01:44:43,000 make I just want to help my wife deal with it better, and then 1505 01:44:43,039 --> 01:44:46,000 I want her that like today, she was like, summer cancer mine. 1506 01:44:47,000 --> 01:44:51,359 We posed AVO sitter to help me with the kids so I can record earlier. 1507 01:44:53,199 --> 01:44:56,680 But by the grace of God, should cancel. And but I was 1508 01:44:56,720 --> 01:44:59,359 like, nah, you just go ahead, and you know that's how you 1509 01:44:59,399 --> 01:45:01,520 deal with stress. I can't. I ain't about to. I ain't about 1510 01:45:01,520 --> 01:45:04,800 to have you in here with me. Go ahead and do that shit. 1511 01:45:04,880 --> 01:45:11,319 That That's why she came and was like thank you. But at the end 1512 01:45:11,399 --> 01:45:16,279 of the day, all I see online is a bunch of misogynistic niggas saying 1513 01:45:16,319 --> 01:45:21,760 some dumb ass shit about black women because of their mother hurt them. And 1514 01:45:21,880 --> 01:45:26,359 I hate all of it. I hate all of it because I don't feel 1515 01:45:26,399 --> 01:45:30,319 like I don't. I never I might have hurt women, but I hurt 1516 01:45:30,359 --> 01:45:33,159 them because I was ignorant. I never got on hearing was and had these 1517 01:45:33,279 --> 01:45:40,760 dumbass ideals. The profession fair type niggas I'm talking about all niggas. Niggas 1518 01:45:40,760 --> 01:45:44,159 don't care about women like we care about women, bro, Like we're supposed 1519 01:45:44,199 --> 01:45:46,880 to care about what I'm talking about me and you niggas don't. Niggas don't 1520 01:45:46,880 --> 01:45:49,960 really care about women's emotions and feelings and periods and this and that and that 1521 01:45:50,039 --> 01:45:51,920 and that. They don't really give a fuck about none of that shit. 1522 01:45:53,359 --> 01:45:56,560 They don't really even pay attend to their wife and how how she moved when 1523 01:45:56,560 --> 01:46:01,079 she's on her period, or or or how the world affects her emotions and 1524 01:46:01,119 --> 01:46:04,640 feelings. Like I'm only here to serve my wife, I'm only here to 1525 01:46:04,640 --> 01:46:09,800 serve my children. I'm only here to to I'm not I. That's that 1526 01:46:11,039 --> 01:46:14,000 people. Other people can be here for more than that reason. But I 1527 01:46:14,119 --> 01:46:18,600 get the most gratification when my people are happy. That's the way it's supposed 1528 01:46:18,600 --> 01:46:24,119 to be having those Having the thoughts and emotions that these niggas have towards women 1529 01:46:24,239 --> 01:46:27,920 is very toxic. Is extremely toxic. And it's and and and they can 1530 01:46:27,960 --> 01:46:30,600 still get women because women are also some women are extremely toxic as well. 1531 01:46:31,039 --> 01:46:34,079 So it's like the nigga that hit women and the women that only fuck with 1532 01:46:34,159 --> 01:46:39,800 niggas that hit them, it's like they're gonna find each other. I just 1533 01:46:39,840 --> 01:46:43,039 hate that I'm seeing it so much. I hate that I'm I hate that 1534 01:46:43,079 --> 01:46:46,479 I'm seeing it so much. Whatever I've thought about deleting or creating a whole 1535 01:46:46,520 --> 01:46:50,680 new Instagram and not liking none of that ship to where it never costs my 1536 01:46:50,720 --> 01:46:56,800 timeline, I don't want it. I don't even want to just but by 1537 01:46:56,880 --> 01:47:01,600 design, just merely just following somebody else, you know what I mean. 1538 01:47:01,920 --> 01:47:05,520 I ain't gonna be posted. You ain't following no nobody, then what's the 1539 01:47:05,560 --> 01:47:11,199 point? Did you ain't had no no no timeline? Fenster Faster, I 1540 01:47:11,239 --> 01:47:15,319 don't know, man, But it's getting out of hand, just allowing anybody 1541 01:47:15,359 --> 01:47:20,600 to talk into a microphone about toxic shit. But let's get into this session. 1542 01:47:21,560 --> 01:47:25,359 Hey, y'all, I know this, this episode was about a bunch 1543 01:47:25,399 --> 01:47:28,680 of shit, but I hope y'all enjoyed it and we're about to get into 1544 01:47:28,680 --> 01:47:30,720 this session. Brian, appreciate appreciate you, brother for always coming through when 1545 01:47:30,720 --> 01:47:33,520 I need you. Bro, I really do appreciate it from the bottom of 1546 01:47:33,560 --> 01:47:36,640 my heart. Let's go, no problem, Let's get this ship, crackhead,