Fuck. Going on Welcome Back, episode two of Conversations behind fuck what didnna
call it? Damn? Oh? The con vote before the pot, something
like that convote before the pot. It's me Eric Dizzy and I'm in here
with my brother Byron today. Byron has been on almost every single series that
I have produced. Outside of season one and two. You wasn't on season
one and you one on season two. You was on season three though you
and Jones came throw in the clutch during COVID that was I really do appreciate
that. But the reason why I like recording, You know, how Howard
Stern, you mean it's not tightening up. It is, but it's just
gonna go. But to keep falling, probably gotta move in, moving in
front of you. Then gotta move the stand. But moved at the thing.
You can move in. You can move all that shit out the way.
But Howard Stern records with a compressor on his voice, so he get
to talk real low like this. So a lot of podcasters how they got
to talk real loud and shit because of the the equipment. You probably gonna
make that arm shorter and then bring it closer to you. I think it's
too heavy possible, but uh, I wanted to talk. I wanted to
talk to you real quick. How we warm up our vocales about stress,
growing up with trauma and how that affects relationships and the doctor. Okay,
because I'm at the age now, but you're a little bit older than me.
But I because we went through all that shit that we went through.
But in regards with losing a mile of girls, people's I'm and Nigga.
A few friends of mine getting killed in the city. I think I think
like three of them got killed and like a couple months of each other,
like in high school or from high school. But recently, yeah, so
killed in the streets. Bring it up a little higher. Now Nigga's from
high school with smoke in the streets. And then a few of my family
members catching getting cancer and stuff like that. Um, I got two family
members in the hospital now with that ship and she got it. She just
had another cousin. She just had a cousin get diagnosed with cancer. So
it's like it's like all around me, it's everywhere. It feel like,
bro, I feel like it's every fucking where. Death. Yeah, I
feel like it's all around me. Then quiet has kept I mean nigga logging
online and seeing nip seeing, Uh, what's the nigga from Philly they got
killed? Uh Light skinning Rapper PNB ro PNB fucking pop nigga. Nigga.
We've lost more rapped nigga. The nineties nigga, we lost Easy E two
Black and Biggie that was it more. But yeah, Big Gail, I
don't even he wasn't he won't even pop it though. But you're right,
Big Gail. But now I feel like everywhere I turned then you still got
George Floyd, you still got nigga. We're still getting killed by the police.
So everywhere we turn, I feel like death is there rather as by
by force or as by health. And I ain't gonna my My body just
is tense, I said a lot. So my body's really immobile. So
trying to get that back back right in tight. But going to the doctor
getting blood work done was scary. As a black man, it was really
scary because I didn't know. I mean, it's kind of like getting the
mother fucking STD tests. It's kind of like, am I going to die?
Lay it on me slow, Paulse. But I feel I don't I
don't feel like I'm I feel like I feel like I feel like God loved
me. But I also feel like there's another force out there that's very strong,
that is kind of out of my hands. The food that we eat,
the stress that's constantly upon us. Rather it's the news. Rather,
it's the COVID. Rather, it's the streets. Rather, it's seeing people
die, like all that shit just hanging over my shoulder or our shoulder.
I don't really know. Sometimes I don't know if I'm stressed or not.
I could be stressing, it could be this. This could be the feeling
of stress. It could be the tension, it could be all of that.
But the doctor was like you fine, but just like you said you
wouldn't got way and he told you won't wait and you wanted two other scales
outside of that, and there was another weight. I don't know if my
doctor, I don't know if I should trust my doctor or not. Man,
you know, uh, that's big as far as you know black men,
as far as when it comes to mistrust, I think black people period
when it comes to mistrust with your doctor. Man, Like I got a
black doctor and he don't never really try to push nothing on me. You
know what I mean. I tell him what it is that I got going
on, he might send me to a specialist or something like that. UM.
Case in point, why I got to go to the doctor this coming
Monday. Um. But I think that's uh, you know, as history
tells it. You know what I mean, black man, you shouldn't trust
going to the doctor. Uh. At the same time, oh no,
I think, like, so are you going when you go? When you
go to the doctor, what's you're going? Just because of like normal health
check that you felt like something's wrong with you. Nigga, My back,
Nigga, my back was so tight, and again I thought that I was
dying. Bro. I thought something. I thought, nigga, for sure
something was in there killing me. But it was like, Noah, nigga,
you straight. I want to get all my blood work John again,
nigga check. I had him check everything. Bro, I had him check.
I don't like then my wife let my kids crying when I'm recording,
just a little insider, but uh, I feel like I just want to
get like normal regular shit. My wife was like, just go get checked
out. So I did, and everything came back fine. But it's probably
just some muscle ship. It is a muscle ship, muscle weakness and shit,
but and being having having that bro and we're just gonna be fully transparent.
Having this pain has been like the most eye opening experience I've ever experienced
in my life, because you don't feel indestructible no more. I always felt
destructible. That's just the trauma. But it makes me, it makes me
fully analyze, like my body and it's understanding just how how connected everything is,
you know what I'm saying, Like I don't know, just like sitting
and observing the pain, where is it coming from? And what I what
do I need to actively do to get rid of it? And I feel
like that I mean and that that is like Beau, like the muscle tightness,
Like I can't even sit and really focus on and do and do work
because it prevents me from like really focusing. But it makes me think about
it like it's pain. So the pain that I'm feeling prevents me from focusing
on what's in front of me. But some people have that pain, it's
like trauma inside their mind and their hearts, so that that pain that they
father gave them, what they or their mother gave them, that it is
sitting in the forefront of their brain. They can't they can't even focus on
what's in front of them or really process what's really in front of them because
they process it with that, with that trauma. And that's how I've been
realizing myself, like, am I fucking myself? Have I been sucking myself
up and subconsciously the pain or the trauma that I've endured growing up that I
just thought was normal, like how I respond to people or how I developed
my friendships and this, like it's really been like therapeutic. Almost as bad
as I may hurt some days, and I ain't gonna say hurt, but
emotionally and physically physically, as bad as I may hurt some days, I
have to realize that it ain't nobody else's fault. So I can't get mad
at anybody else. I can't lash out on anybody else. I can't not
work. I can't just lay in a bed because it's gonna make it worse,
you know what I'm saying, Like like not moving makes it worse.
So I can't really But I'm just thinking about how I've allowed back in the
day, I I've allowed trauma to cripple me to where I didn't really want
to fuck with nobody. Don't really want to do nothing because emotionally I was
fucked up. So I'm climbing out of it. It's better now, you
know what I'm saying now that I'm actively trying to fix it. But the
doctor, I just he they didn't know, Bro. They sent me to
like they sent me to a mock physical therapist. They was just having me
do the same ship that I was already doing at home. They didn't really
know. They wanted to send me to get an mr Ride And then I
was I ain't about to pay a thousand dollars for y'all to tell me that
this muscle shit if you think it's a nerve issue or bro. Some days
it's there and some days it's not. So one day I went to the
gym, did the workout, nigga, and I came home in the house
fine. So it's just the doctor really ain't The doctors really ain't. I
don't know, they really ain't as helpful. They just called that they do
just that they do. It just costs like a motherfucker. So I'm trying
to and as a black man, I don't want that as a black man.
If I pay you, I want something to return. I definitely need
some results. I definitely like I had a hell of a doctor bill come
to me because like I was having some like chest pains in the middle of
the night and that's scary as yeah, Like sometimes it wake me up out
of my sleep. And I told my mom about it, and she was
like, man, oh, and go to the doctor. Man just she
was like, go to the emergency room. I'm like, man, I
don't want to go to the emergency room. I know. I went a
couple of years ago and they did an e K g ummy you know,
did it did a couple of things on my heart or whatever because they thought
something was wrong with me and that that might be put potentially the case.
And I did all that, they told me nothing's wrong with me, you
know what I mean. So I was like, damn, yep, I
still gotta pay. And then I gotta pay an exorbitant amount, like I
get a build for like twenty five hundred dollars, you know what I mean,
and all of that just for you to tell me nothing was wrong with
me, you know what I mean? And then I think about you know,
uh so dj Indiana Jones resting peace bro Yeah, like rest in peace
bro Um. He went to the doctor, you know what I mean,
He went to like he was saying, something's wrong with his chest. He
went to an urgent care center and they sent him home, you know what
I mean, tell them nothing was wrong, and they sent him home.
And he went home, and then his brother found him there. A couple
of years, a couple of hours later, I be dead. Yeah,
so I'm like, damn, man, when when I think about ship like
that, I'm like, man, well maybe I do need to go get
checked, just because like I don't want that to be my story. Bro.
The so what's twenty five hundred dollars? You know what I mean?
Because that one time you think something might not be wrong, shit, something
might be. The tricky thing about it is I think that I told the
doctor this. I was like, I feel like human beings are robots.
Actually I know we are robots, and I feel like we don't know how
to fully use our body. So like the iPhone or your car, Like
I don't know if you're not the work on cars, but I don't know
how to work on cars at all. I know a little bit. I
know. I know I know to put oil in that motherfucker. I know
to put any freeze in that motherfucker. I know to put gas in that
motherfucker. I know the check, I know the brakes need to be done
if certain sounds. But I don't know about the motherfucking car. But I
dried it, motherfucking I rely on this motherfucker. But I feel like I
feel like that about my body. I feel like I'm in this. I
feel like I'm in this vessel, and I really don't understand the mechanics of
it. I don't understand why. I don't why I shouldn't eat what I
should what I'm eating, and why I should eat certain foods. I don't
feel I don't understand the importance of sleep like I But even if I did
understand it, do my finances or do my situation allow me to follow this
this motherfucking instruction, guy, then my body should have came with that.
It didn't come with And I feel like black man, especially especially black man,
do not understand the importance of our cardiovascular That's what I'm starting to realize,
like how how we are training our hearts so like jumping jumping rope has
really been my savior. Like, regardless of how tight I am, I
get out there my fucking jump regardless. So I think that's why I still
look like I still work out a lot, but I don't. I might
work out like once a week, but if I get if I can get
down there and jump rope and then you know what I mean. But the
other way, you know it, Nigga, I got a three pound one
and a one pound one and then beating my ass. But I jumped over
for like fifteen minutes straight, not I mean obviously not straight because I'm motherfucking
winded like a motherfucker down. But um, I feel like every black person
should really, if anything, get get your motherfucking heart rate up, because
I feel like the foods that we eat, it makes it makes the blood
in our bodies and make the blood vessels and shit like clam up. And
I feel like unless we exercise to push the blood through that motherfucking and and
take vitamins and ship to replenish our plenish our shit, um, we were
selling ourselves short. And I honestly feel like, I know, I know,
we don't look at people that are at the doctor's office like niggas that
work at Wendy's. But I'm starting to realize the niggas that work at Wendy's
and the niggas that our doctors might be the same type of niggas. Like
the niggas that work at Wendy's. They just therefore a check and I and
I was like, man, I nigga about to go through sixteen years of
school. However, many school eight years of school to be a shitty doctor.
But it might be a social standard like that might be their version of
working at the Wendy's for their family, like they might be that might have
been pressured into being a doctor. Man. The doctor is right human and
there's really no difference between your doctor and your your local dope man, for
real. It's just it's just say, it's a it's a they pushing legal
dope. They get you, Yeah, they get you in there and they
give you something to treat you. But they're not gonna kill you, nah,
because they're gonna put you on this pill that get you to keep coming
back. Man. My dad was telling me about his best friend Um that
past. He said his wife recently found all of his pills under the saint
they used for the take to um for him not to die, but he
ended up he ended up having a heart attack and then he he he ended
up having a stroke and then had a heart attack or had a heart attack
and they had a stroke either. But he wasn't taking his pills because his
pills made him feel funny it dick won't working all the type of shit.
And I was asking my dad. I was like, damn, do you
think it was worth it? And he was like, well, shit,
if you if you can't function, if you can't function while you here,
didn't off these pills, they'll keep you here, but you won't be able
to function like your normal self. You won't be able to walk, you
know, you light headed and shit like that. Like he was like he
wasn't trying to do that shit. So he went out. But I was
like, damn, I just hope that didn't hurt you know what I'm saying.
But I wonder how what stressed that left for his wife to find that,
Like I can't imagine. I can't imagine not taking pills and then my
wife being like she found him, she might have felt like, oh,
I didn't want to be here for her. I didn't want to try it
for her, and I don't really want that, like my girl, me,
me being a father now, like I really want to be here for
them. So I'm really I'm really scared because one thing my father in law
just kept talking about was he thought he had more time and listeners. I'm
sorry if this is boring to y'all, but black men talking about health y'all,
I need to listen up. I don't give it. I do care,
but I don't care because black man don't talk about this enough. I
felt like I felt like once he felt like. Once my father in law
was knew that he was on his way out. The one thing he kept
saying is that he thought he had more time, but he was sixty five
something in my head, nigga, how much time you thought you had?
Because Wikipedia tell you that sixty five is one black man posted die. So
if I'm looking at that, if I'm looking at that, I'm thirty six,
I feel like, all right, wellkay, all right, cool,
then let me let me let me at least try to live on purpose.
Now. If I wasn't trying to live on purpose at first, I was
just out here. You know what I'm saying, but now, let me
work on my heart a little bit, me be a little bit more mindful
of what I'm eating, you know what I'm saying. Shit like that.
But I just felt like I just felt like the doctor was like, your
results are fine, it's only your head. Go home. I'm like,
Nigga, I feel something. Nigga, I feel something, but I don't
know how like stress, Like I didn't I didn't really understand what stress was.
I didn't really know what it was. And I guess I've been living
under stressed my entire life, my entire life. So dude, that's so
your emotional health is fucking with your physical health. Yeah, yeah, uh
I think that. Yeah. I think depression could do that too, one
thousand percent, you know what I mean. So uh And I think I
think that we have a lot of functional depressions people depressed people out here.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I was there for real, Yeah, for
how long? H maybe about a year year or so, just in it.
Yeah I didn't know you was in it, Nope, just close to
it. And like in that time, like just I got fat, you
know what I mean, eating whatever the fuck I'm ont too. And I
think I'm coming out of it, like dealing with like my actual emotional health
and shit. Uh your pops and ship after during the time, or was
you that was part of it, you know? Uh, yeah, that
was part of I was dealing with that. Oh I was dealing with a
break up at the time, you know what I mean? It was I
was dealing with a lot of shit, and it was just like all of
that shit was just powered up on me for a little bit, and like
I was still coasting, you know. Uh, but I didn't. I
didn't know what it was. I was moving through life like everything was cool,
uh, just because I felt like, shit, it's people out here
depending on me, So I got to continue to got to continue to move
and shit, I was doing that. But at the same time, I
wasn't really worried about damn, Like when you moving, you can't you don't.
I don't have a chance to really worry about how I'm philly because I
got shit. I got Yeah what what travers say? Uh? Um,
that should make me nervous. I got shit to do what it? Damn,
I can't think of it's a song of birds in the trap. But
basically the time about I got I just got too much shit to do to
be worried about that. Damn. I never thought about it like that because
you almost it's almost like fuck your feelings, nigga. Yeah, it ain't
even like it ain't like my girl telling me that, but it's like the
world telling me that, because you know, with this podcast and ship bro,
it's I think I might have put I'm I when I when I wasn't
doing Black Widow, q Code had hit me with like two projects. First
project to hit me with Nigga, it was paying me a thousand a week,
and then my Patreon is a thousand uh a month, so I was
making more money than I had and I just and I think that's when I
climbed out of it. Because I wasn't doing Black Woodow I meaning I wasn't
writing script, I wasn't editing the script. I wasn't crunching for time.
I wasn't begging people to be patrons. I wasn't begging people to come over.
I wasn't begging. I wasn't having to deal with cancelations like I don't
think people really understand like all of the shit that comes with this, Like
I got canceled on this morning. She's in the first two episodes, and
I'm like, fuck, I gotta recast this person. I gotta reach out
to motherfucker's But then I can't be mad if a motherfucker don't come because I
can't pay. You know what I'm saying, I'm not making enough money to
pay motherfuckers. So I'm thankful for I'm thankful for when people can come,
but I'm also understanding who can't come, but they don't mean that I'm not
shitty, So then I gotta scavenger or this and that and that, and
I still gotta mix it and it might not sound I didn't realize how much
stressed I was putting on myself. Bro, I was putting a lot of
stress on myself. A ship hunt, that stress on myself, like whenever
a pat or patron leave Patreon, it felt like niggas a knife was going
like damn, I wasn't I'm not doing something right, but I'm trying.
I'm doing as much as I can. Like my trauma, see if you
get see if you can feel this, my trauma was making me take this
shit more personally than I should have been taking it. Like my constant need
for validation, and then people commenting and saying, oh, this went left,
or this don't sound as good, or it's not consistent. This this,
this, it felt like a personal stab to me. I'm trying my
best and that had me feeling a certain type of way. So here I
am working with these white folks at UK and I love man. I'm saying
white folks, but they are they are all white. I am usually the
only nigga on the zoom that's a that's a mixtape title, but I am
I'm usually the only nigga in the zoom bro. And my trauma was making
me act differently to them. It was making me I was taking the ship
that they were saying to me the wrong way. Yeah. And then the
first project, first project didn't get One of the chick's emailed me outside of
the chain and she was like, relax, why are you She was like,
you you know what you're doing. Why are you keep emailing us asking
us if you're doing it right? Because I had sent her two emails like
is this better than us? She was just like, yo, you're supposed
to be here. And I was like, oh bet, and then something
just said I just started knocking that shit out, but the stress and guessing
yourself. Yeah, bro, I do this shit in my sleep. Bro,
I do this shit in my sleep. Recently, I did something else
for q Coode and I had smoked And did you ever did you watch them?
Because you are a little tap it older than me, so you might
not have watched. Did you watch Fantasy Factory MTV? You didn't watch none
of that? Ship? Whatever's the guy on there called dirt like Tommy?
He was part of that. Is that rob dirty shit? Yeah? There
was another there was another crew on there that was doing crazy shit like Jackass,
but it was all motor sports related. Anyway. I had smoked and
the dudes um scene was U. He had fell in the phone pit.
Gas was coming out of the gasket and he was he was drowning on He
had jumped in the phone pit on a dirt bike to do a backflip and
he couldn't get out, so he was trapped under the bike and gas was
coming out and he was trying to hed he wasn't. He was breathing in
the fun so he started hallucinating. So Nigga, I had one into a
crazy ass. I had this some sound designed it. I had never done
before. Bro, and I was so nervous because I had spent so much
time. I ain't spent that much time on it, but I spent like
a day on it. I sent it to him, I was like,
fuck it, and he he spent a day and a half doing something else.
So he did and hit me back and I was like, fuck,
did I fucked this up? Then he texted me was like, what the
fuck? That's that's the first thing he said. I was like, my
gut dropped. And the second one was like this shit sounds so fucking good
that I said, oh, but I had blacked out, Bro, I
really just blacked out. That was the first time that I was just sound
designer, like just just do your own thing. But it felt so good
to get that validation back because I don't get that validation where black Woo,
I don't get I might record at midnight, actress might come over here at
midnight, one of them warning to do some shit. And then I released
the episode and I don't get no comments, no nothing, no nothing,
and this like was it good? And then the Patreon members, so it's
like it's so many contributing factors. Bro, And I think that that might
have might have had, So you got I'm dealing with that during COVID and
a new baby and the death. I think all of these things have been
factoring in into like my physical health to the point to where maybe days right,
but like is it worth it? But then what else do I do?
I think that's one of the perils of in an entrepreneur. Yeah,
you know what I mean, because you're not really all of this for what
it's saying, Like, man, it's like you don't have the security of
well I think you kind of do that with Q code all the time,
but yeah, with you right, yeah, but like because that's that's what
I mean, that's that's that's that's part of the manhood, right yeah,
yeah, because yeah, you're right, the security and then feeling like I
don't have any grip on it, yeah, and and being you know,
stressed on top of that, you did you grow up? How how toxic
is your mother? Not very much? My mama toxics fu. Yeah.
So that so now I have to tell myself that my wife is not my
mom, you know what I'm saying. So my wife is not critiquing me
like my mother would. My wife is not my mom. Basically, my
wife is not my mom. So I think a lot of the pressure that
I'm putting on myself is because I'm acting as if my wife is my mom.
You know what I'm saying, like this under a microscope all the time,
everything that you knew, every motherfucking thing and everything. And then my
wife ain't even checking from me like that, like she ain't even putting that
pressure on me. And and that ship, that ship was interfering with our
relationship until I had and like I said, until this pain came, I
had to start really looking within and see, Okay, is this causing it?
Is that causing it? And now I'm going I'm looking at her like
and my causing and my causing most of this because of me being reactive to
shit that ain't even happening. Yeah, but that the stress. Shit,
I don't How did you? How did you? How did you know that
you how did you realize that you was in an under this depression spell?
And then how did you start climbing your way out of it? Um?
Because I feel like I feel like if we get into that conversation and then
the women listening to this might be able to identify when they niggas is stressed
out man to keep in a book. Man, I don't know, man,
it was just like I just wasn't feeling well. I'm wasn't feeling like
myself, like my normal And the thing about it was nobody knew it,
you know what I mean? Because yeah, yeah, nobody knew that I
was really going through. Nobody knew I was drowning. Yeah, because like
when I go out and shit, I'm my normal self, you know what
I mean. I do, I'm normally who I'm being because I know how
to be social. But when I'm sitting by myself and it's just me and
my thoughts, yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, it's like,
man, goddamn, and it takes forever, like you don't want to
get off the couch, or take you longer to get off the couch than
you normally would like it ain't nobody really bounce what you going off of,
and like you can't really talk about what you're really going through with nobody because
you're don't want to feel like less than a week Yeah, well, I
think we've tapped I think we've tapped into I think we're starting to tap into
a really good conversation. Do you do you feel like you can never be
as honest about how you really feel to your woman? Oh, let me
rephrase that. If the the Titanic, so you say you just say you
just the captain of the Titanic. You can't panic. So no, you
gotta hold on too. I can't go I can't go to her and be
like, hey, I'm really stressed that we were goot to hit this motherfucking
thing. She's gonna look at you like when they can figure it out.
At least that's what I think she's gonna say. She might have a very
good solution to my problem too, But I don't. I don't want to.
I don't want to go to my wife and and and disclose these securities
that I have about the ships thinking, because I don't want her thinking that
I I'm not really trying to keep the ship from sinking. I'm really trying
to keep the ship from sinking, but I'm struggling mentally because I don't know
what I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah, do you ever feel like that?
Hell? Yeah all the time. Yeah. I'm happy that I've I've
asked that question because I'd be like I don't know. I don't. I
don't think I've ever asked a man that question, like do you ever do
you ever? Like, I'll be looking at my family, like what the
fuck' supposed to be doing right now? Man? The thing about like having
a family and ship, Man, there's no instruction man though it's not bro,
you know what I mean? So you learn it on the fly.
Uh, and you can take input from other people. But shit, you're
dealing with somebody completely different then they might have dealt with you know what I
mean. So I had to realize, Bro, then I'm the only man.
I'm the only only nigga in my circle that's married with three children by
the same person, all on the three. I'm the only Nigger I know
that I ever had kids that these man, this many kids were the same
woman at this time. So there's nobody I can really ask for guidance,
guidance because all my cousin be like, yeah, man, you know I
went through I'm like, Nigga, no you didn't. My sister. My
sister tried to say that show. I was like, no, you didn't.
Like none of y'all went through what we're going through right now, especially
having to deal with burying her people. So I'm having a I'm that that
that stress, Bro, of having to bury her people. Why is she
pregnant? Bro? Walking into the motherfucking funeral home of the feudal Bodies Nigga,
I said, Oh my god, this is about to be the hardest
shit in the world. In the double it was a double header, nigga,
and it was sitting right next to each other, that was and my
wife pregnant as fuck. I'm trying to make sure that she won't go into
no motherfucking episode and she I'm like, Bro, did you and you you
can't really deal with your element emotions because you gotta make sure that she's sure.
How to make sure that might being straight? Yeah, I gotta make
sure because I need to make sure that this baby all right. And I
think that she did a phenomenal job. She did a phenomenal job at holding
that ship together because I was I was drowning, Bro, like you said,
and nobody knew. You know. The tough talk part about that is
us being me And it's like sometimes we'd be taking on that strength when we
don't have to, you know what I mean, Because you could really have
that conversation with your woman man, and I think sometimes we think that they
weaker than they really are, not any much as a strong Yeah, but
I feel like I feel like they don't know. They just they don't know
either, and I feel like they don't know how to tell us that they
don't know. But it's like a comforting thing. They can't comfort us unless
we come. They can't comfort us unless we confide in them, and then
we don't want to confide to them because we don't feel comfortable doing so.
It's a weird conundrum, bro. Yeah, because that one time I did
confide in you, ain't like how you responding and the way you responded.
It wasn't even wrong, it just wasn't the way I expect it was.
It wasn't what I needed at that time. Yea, So it was like,
shit, I'm not doing that that. We're not doing that again.
Yeah, for sure. I've definitely felt like that before, Like I felt
like that with my mom. I'm confided to my mom and Nigga she tripped
the ball. I ain't confided to her again. Then I'm thirty six.
That might have been I don't know when it was, but then it had
never happened again because I feel I just don't feel safe. You know what
I'm saying. I don't know, I never felt safe. And that's tough
man, that you can't feel safe with your mother, you know what I
mean? Like, like, man, she asked me a question once bro
during COVID was watching something. She asked me a question and I was like,
I don't know. I just gave her, like my answer, I'm
long winded. I like talking. Obviously, when I got done, she
was like, damn, I didn't want that long oneed that was answering.
I was, what the fuck you asked me? Did? That's what I
wanted? I was like, oh, you who? That from you?
Who? I got to not really wanted to talk to people like that.
You who are all right? Bet? But she definitely hit me with that.
She always and that's where I get my assholeness from my guests because people
have always been that honest with me. So I was like, what shit,
I'll be honest with y'all. Nigga's do then y'all should suck. Nigga,
you suck? You ask you you ugly? Your hair is on the
evil? That type of ship, Yeah, they're a stress ship man,
I'm trying to I think. I think. I think money is not the
I don't think money is the root of all evil. I just believe that
if everybody had money, certain stresses would be alleviated. Shit, no,
not all of them, but a lot of them. It would be something
else. Bro everybody, right, it would definitely it'd be something else,
because we find ways to separate ourselves. Yeah all the time, you know
what I mean, Because like, if everybody had money, then it because
social status is is like the new like money, you know what I mean,
like the perception of social status exactly. Yeah, you know what I
mean. That's that's to do money, man, like social currency. Uh.
And that's something that I never really gave a fuck about, you know
what I mean. Like I go out, but uh, do I have
to be the center of attention. No, I'm a nigga on the wall
and I'm comfortable there, you know what I mean, when all odds on
me, I don't really I don't like that ship. I don't like it
neither. I think that's why I stopped. That's one of the reasons why
I didn't like DJAM, because I just felt like everybody was looking at me
I don't give a fuck about that. Man. I enjoy like when I'm
doing when I'm DJ, and I enjoy that part. The only thing I
don't enjoy it is like people coming and tell me to do how to do
my job, Like, yeah, that's that's part of it. Yeah,
I hate that, nigga. I know, I'm want to play your song,
but it's it's not the time to play that song, right's vibe?
I mean, I was boogie one night years ago a motherfucker came to him
and asking to play Atomic Dog Bro in the club. The BPMS was so
different than when we was at exactly, I said, Bro, get the
fuck away from here. What are you even talking about? Bro? But
even that, like I had, I had told myself that I'm not going
to do anything that doesn't bring me as much joy as possible when it comes
to anything outside of this house. So I had to give up DJ and
I just cancel my Torito subscription and everything, like I'm not doing it no
more at all. Every time my DJ field is this immense amount of social
uh, this immense amount of pressure to do something that I don't want to
do because I don't want to play this music. That I'm playing. I
don't want to play none of this ship, but the music that I want
to play. None of y'all even know that, none of the shit that
I want to play. That's why I like doing Buddies so much, because
it was R and B and it was nineties music, and I get to
sprinkle land some new ships, new some new tie dollars, some new Tory
lanes or some news, some new Drake. But for the most part,
I got to play all the music that I really really like, because when
you're playing old school shit, you're really only playing the fan favorites. It's
an accumulation of the fan favorites. But now I just don't understand. I
don't know what niggas want to hear, what vibe they want, why they're
coming out. And I think about all of that, and I think,
and I think maybe producing has producing content has made me too aware of what
I'm doing or how shit sounds or how shit looks or this, this and
that. So I was just like, you know what, I'm not doing
this anymore. Oh, I think that's a I think that's a huge reason
why I go out, you know, to listen to other DJs, just
because it keeps me on my toes from when when it's my time, you
know what I mean, Because shit, you gotta know what's current, you
know. Yeah, especially where I'll be man like at the Cash by Man.
It's mostly a younger crowd in there, now, you know what I
mean, So they'd be wanting to hear some dirt all that shit that I
wouldn't give a fuck about if I wasn't there. Does does does that ever
make you realize how out of touch you are with hip hop? Definitely?
Yeah. I had a conversation. I know we're all over the place y'all,
but we got to warm up before we record record. But I had
a conversation with my mom nigga. It made me realize, like hip hop
ain't hip hop, ain't um hip hop is hip hop is a scam because
back in the day Nellie Days Bom, they really forced a nigga from Saint
Louis on us. There were band aids in there is Odds and was singing
rapping before in You he was really singing rapping, strapping, ringing, whatever
you want to call it about some bullshit. I'm gonna suck up for corn
rolls and Manicure Tugs Fit Nicka pre Pains and Manic Dude parasuit goes. We
really thought that ship was fired and it was fire, and it was fire,
all right, I'm not getting sucked up. It was fire. But
they pushed it on us, right, I don't believe that none of the
ship was organic. They pushed it on us because how did he go from
that nobody to nobody? How did he go from DMX sold two platinum albums
in one year from that to nobody? From from nigga? They pushed jar
Rule on us, like how he how he had fifty cent didn't do that
by himself, Bro, fifty cent didn't didn't destroy jar Rule by himself,
Nigga, because all Ja Rule had to do was make another song, and
he had and he hasn't made another song. That Ashanti is same thing like
niggas is like trying to get a new song. I'm like nigga, So
what like like like people like what I like about Drake? What I love
about Drake is he really has been consistent since he dropped. I ain't gonna
say that it's somebody pushing Drake. Yes, it is somebody pushing Drake,
but he's making the most out of that. He's making the most out of
he ain't doing an album every three years. He's doing an album every year.
Or you're doing features a lot, or he's doing collab albums a lot.
But he knows how to steal the souse. Yes, I'm still on
everything. Yeah, I'm I'm gonna attach myself to this young motherfucker right here.
He got one of the hottest new songs. Or this song is going
to be hot. Yeah, let me go hop on the ship. I'm
gonna hop on some more Walker shit, hop on a little baby shit,
I'm gonna hop on future shit, I'm gonna hop on motherfucking twenty one savag
shit. I'm gonna hop on all of this shit. But as an artist,
when you when you studied the game, that's what you realize is happening.
So I feel like with music, when I listen to new shit like
Dirk or Herbo or whoever the fuck, all these niggas is just killing niggas.
Yeah, they're killing niggas. And then then I feel weird because it's
white kids behind this ship. Now I'm confused if these white kids really like
this music or do they just like listening to niggas talk about killing niggas.
That's all I think about. Yeah, do they really like this music or
do they? Are they getting off about rapping nigga I'm gonna kill you.
I'm like they recite in the words that the black man wrote to another black
man about killing them, but they white. They recited Nigga, I'm gonna
kill you wing up on the oys, got the glitch this distance and that
and that there's really some reverse like it's really on some some shit like that.
It's it's fucked up though, because Dark ain't the first nigga to do
it. Definitely, bro. I would thinking about that ship from back Women
and when Nwa was doing it, when Nwa was rapping about all that shit,
and it was the hottest they was hottest thing in America. They were
rapping about nigga police brutality, and they branded themselves as that though. You
know what I mean. They was branded the most dangerous group in America,
most dangerous rap group in America. Yeah, you know what I mean.
You wish you could experience that firsthand, what being them or not? N
Wa like listening to it and it's heyday, like twenty being twenty one,
being sixteen seventeen eighteen, win Nwa Drop was much younger. I think.
I know it's like six seven years. I know what I'm I'm being sixteen
to twenty one around that time. No, just the experience it now,
you coolna, I mean because truth be told. Shit, that was a
very short rhyn It was and it was. It was. If you want
to see like what it imagined, if you want to see what it was
like to be sixteen or twenty one years old around that time, why snowfall,
you know what I mean? Because that's what was going on. Yeah.
I haven't really gotten some snow phone. I don't really. I don't
really like drug related stuff. Man, it's different. You're seeing that the
documentary on Netflix called Cocaine. I think, so that shit sucked me up.
That shit sucked me up. I did not know the eighties was like
that. Yeah, that shit sucked me up. I was like, damn,
my daddy Evern had to live through this in Gary crazy sicko molding it.
But even that I read it read something that said that your parents can
hand down stress. Yeah. I think they said it's something about African Americans.
You know what I mean, it's just passed down from generation to generation
from slavery, from slavery, from slavery. Bro. So we got a
lot of shit. We got a lot of shit in our We got a
lot of shit in our just DNA. Bro. That just suck us up,
Bro, that we don't even know it's working against us. And my
daddy is so, my dad is so. My dad's an idiot, but
he's very smart, but he's he's emotionally just stupid as fuck, you know
what I'm saying. But I love him, but sometimes i'd be like,
Bro, i am your son. So everything that you're experiencing, Nigga,
I'm going to the doctor and they're asking me what you going through? Nigga,
I'm going to the doctor. They're asking me what you're going through.
When I go to him and be like recently, I was like, Yo,
the arches and your feet have they fallen? He was like yeah.
He was like why, I said, as my mind fallen? Now?
He was like, mine failed from now you'res ain't gonna do that. I'm
like, nigga, I'm literally telling you that my ship's falling. Your ship
fall Yeah. I was like, when did you when did you wanted your
heart? When did your blood pressure out be elevated? He was like around
your age. I was like, yeah, they told me that I need
to watch out or do more cardio vascular stuff to keep my heart. The
day he was like, oh, nah mine and this, I'm like,
bro, yeah, I'm your son, nigga like and but I just feel
like he doesn't really understand, like where I'm at in life because he he
had he lived his own life exactly, so he had to figure out what
it's like to be a fifty three year old or however old he is.
But at the same time, I'm trying to I'm trying to have him help
me navigate being thirty six and he had He's not really he's not really even
trying to take that. But I feel like the black men, the black
men that were around in the eighties and seventies that was like teenagers at that
time. Emotionally, they're very irresponsible, definitely extremely irresponsible. Man. A
lot of them are. They don't how to communicate at all, bro,
Like they don't have to talk, they don't, none of them haven't.
I've never come across a nigga from that era that communicate like me, man,
I was I was just talking to the homies our shit about them,
like I'm just now I'm learning how to like when when when you talk about
like generations like we the first generation of men that really had to deal with
learning or learning how to deal with our emotions, because shit, my pops
and the generations before him, they just smoke and drank their emotions away,
you know what I mean. They're still drinking his emotions away. Yeah,
and that's and they either took it out on their women or they Yeah,
they took it out on their women where or women women? Yeah, going
and fucking other women having kids on the side and sho, yeah, womanizing
all that type of shit, you know what I mean. So they that's
how they dealt with their emotions. So they were so accepted to them.
Yeah, so sho, nigga, like me some grace because I'm actually trying
to learn how to deal with this shit, you know what I mean?
Son? That was a good one, broa, because I'm one of the
first motherfuckers just trying to learn how to deal with this shit. So no,
I don't have it all the way figured out, but I'm trying to
figure it out. Damn that was good, Bro, Have some fucking grace
because I'm like, I could have just want to got some milk and never
came back this bitch. I could have wanted got some milk and never came
back to this bitch. I can definitely disappear on the motherfucking for real,
for real. But yeah, I feel like that too. I feel like
I'm trying to trying to reconcile. I think a part of I think a
part of my stress come from or my trauma come from not feeling like I'm
good enough, coming from my father's side of the family. So I went
back on my birthday last year. I went back and Uh, I went
to Gary kicked it with him, my wife and my kids, and uh
the last time I wasn't Gary kicking it with them. Then goes nigga man
years years bro. So I go back in. My grandma was really the
cold. She's a B word, but she's just like me. Oh Bro,
she we are just to like Bro, just like maybe like sixty sixty
five seventy percent a lot nigga a lot man. My dad's just like her.
I'm just like my dad. But I had to figure out her love
language. Her love language is act acts of service. So she only she
only knows how to display, she only knows how to display that she loves
me by act of service. But when I was a kid, I didn't
recognize that. I just thought that she even you know what I'm saying,
I just and and she's a robot, Like she's really a robot, Like
she's just emotionally unavailable. But I didn't know that as a kid. So
I took that personally, you know, I took that personally when I was
a kid. And then when I went back recently, a lot of that
ship was like shaved off because I was like, oh, I'm figured I
misread all of this. My mom was telling me shit, and what she
was saying was a line of with your actions. So I just felt like,
y'alldn't fuck with me like that. But man, I was wrong that
that that could that could be. Uh. I thank god that I didn't
have that type of shit going on like with my mom, you know what
I mean, like the bigger in between bro, the my mom and my
dad and the families and all this that and the third you know what I
mean, Because my mom she always sent me over there to go deal with
my father's side of the family. I figured out a lot of the ship
that was going on over there on my own, you know what I mean.
It was never something that she told me about them, because that could
sway how you feel about your people. Too. Definitely swayed me, bro
It definitely swayed me. It definitely swayed me. And it's and it's and
it's and it's as a kid trying to as a kid trying to manage my
own emotions at fourteen fifteen sixteen, I was just over sensitive about everything.
And you always gonna side with your because that's who you all. That's WI
That's why I'm always with But then I was angry at her and she was
She did some shit, you know what I'm saying. She did some some
file ship that prevented my dad from really being there, and I saw it
like I was a part of it, like I would like and I I
don't really know if I really felt fully dealt with that, you know what
I'm saying. So that on top of stress, kids, not sleeping like
that, no money, money, not really being secure like that, you
know what I'm saying, It weighs a lot, it weighs a shit ton,
and then I have to still be myself. I can't really, I
don't really want to last shout and being less less, less of who I'm
supposed to be because I understand that people. I understand what I am to
people. I understand when people coming to the studio, when y'all come in
here and y'all recording shit, I understand what I might be providing. So
somebody broke down. It was like, Nigga, this is this is It
was like, this is fun, Like I loved I love hearing myself like
this. I love that da da dah. But I need to hear that
because I'm I come up. I come from a place where if you don't
tell me, I'm gonna assume. And I'm not gonna assume. Right.
You know what I'm saying. I misread everything, but I'm aware of that.
So now I'm asking people what did you mean by that that? Drew
Ski mean, what do you mean by that? I'm really asking people like
what did you mean by that? Because I want to spass. I want
to make sure you deserve the spass, and I'm about to get you know
what I'm saying like, I was supposed to record with somebody this morning,
and I knew they were going to cancel. I knew last night that they
were going to cancel, but I didn't want my I didn't want that to
be my trauma talking. But when I got the text, I just I
just liked it. I knew, I knew that, I knew that you
wasn't gonna come because I know you. But I didn't want to tell you
that I knew you because you're gonna try to prove me wrong and you're gonna
try and then you're gonna come over here and be half fast when you didn't
really want to come. You know what I'm saying. Like, as a
man, I feel like that's a that's a trait that man have. I
need to be able to figure out if Byron is good people are not instantly.
I feel like most women don't really have that. They don't really think
about it like that because there's too many. Too many women be just so
clueless about what's happening around them. But I'm never clueless about what's happening around
me or who I have around me. Um, but I could be a
little bit stressful because I don't know if I'm doing it right. I'm if
i'm if I'm if I'm assessing character's behavior correctly. But all that stress and
the doctor and I don't know, man, because it's it's I just don't
want to die before I figure it out. You never go figure it out,
though, Man, I know, like that's and that's the that's the
thing, you know what I mean. It's just it's an experience. Man.
We are experiencing life, you know what I mean. And you can
have under the grips, but something's gonna come it fuck some ship. Up.
I was just talking to my wife about that last night. Yeah.
I was like, man, motherfucker's be sitting in the living room, my
motherfucker kicking the door and just spray some shit. Up. I said,
that happens. Yeah, it happens like car accidents, just random ass shit.
And to be like, damn, like it might not though it might
not. I might not. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm not saying that I'm
acting as if it is. I'm saying but like motherfucker's is really experiencing like,
yeah, some crazy ass shit out here, bro, So you believe
in like karma and shit. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes
I just believe that just shit just happens. Yeah, Like, um,
why are you acting? Oh, so you know, I have to believe
that. I do believe that I'm paying from the sense of my father,
though I've had that thought too. Yeah, I do believe that. I
do feel like I do feel like I can't jump as high as I want
to because of the sense of my father. I do believe that though.
But part of that is that that's that could be false though it could be
you know what I mean, that could be that really could be false,
man, and you limiting yourself just because you hold known to that ship.
Now I'm jumping as hard as I can. I feel like either it's not
meant for me, or I can't I'm not supposed to jump as high as
you know what I'm saying, or just not time yet. It might just
not be time. It might not be time yet. Yeah, it's just
continue to put it into work, you know what I mean. So when
that time comes, you ready, I'm ready. But I asked about karma
and ship just because you know, I talk to people all the time from
outside of the city, and ship and we get to talking about like indian
that not Indie's dangerous. Indianapolis is dangerous, a very dangerous place, man,
Like you don't be scared to be going out and such as such,
And I'm like, no, never, No, I'm not scared to go
nowhere because I don't travel in them circles wherever that shit happens, you know
what I mean. Yeah, I've heard about some vow crazy shit that happened
here in the city, crazy shit, but that shit is not where I'm
at. It's never touched me, man, because I don't never be around
where that type of shit happened. Man, My nigga got walked down.
My nigga got walked down on his block. That he my homie. When
we met, this nigga was throwing up his rod into a dirty tradefolk gangster
fille trayfolk gangster field dray. That's all he talked about. Tradefolk games,
feld trayfolk gamester field. This thig got walked down on his block, the
same block that he wrapped his whole entire life. To me, that was
the most vile thing. I was like, Bro, what a way for
your story to fucking end? Bro, that's awful. Awful, awful,
awful, But I never see shit like that. But I'm talking. This
happened in front of a gas station. Nigga. See in a lot of
that. You know. So in the daytime, nigga, you could you
could hint. In the morning, nigga, you could speak that shit into
existence too, Tupac, you know what I mean? Like, I got
a homie man, Like I remember the last watch Nigga. No, it's
a that mand hardest hell that was all right. I'm like, oh yeah,
homie, Uh he was last time I was talking to him. Man,
he was talking about like, Man, I just know one day,
Man, I'm somebody gonna try to take me out of here. I'm gonna
catch a slug to the chest. Sons like, Nigga, why are you
talking like that? Yeah? Why would you do? What do you do?
Bro? You not even that type of nigga? Yeah did he get
shot in the chest? No, story was not. It's just like,
why are you talking Like, why are you trying to put off this persona
like that, nigga? Because that's not who you are? Nigga. Like,
Nigga, what are you on? Bro? Yeah? Like it's weird,
but it's it's it's always like this perception that like maybe that's the perception
that you want to put out there, like nigga, you all you all
bark, and that might that might put off a couple of motherfuckers, but
Nigga, I know you. Yeah, Like I do believe, like I
do believe that we are subconsciously dealing with the ideals of what they think,
what they what, what the perception of a man is. I do believe
that men who are not like that are sub subconsciously dealing with that because like,
for like I grew up hearing that money makes a man. I still
hear that. So sometimes I get very fearful that my wife believes that because
you believe it, because that's subconsciously believe it. Yeah. So when my
bank account, nigga, when my bank account is low, I am,
I am. I am a pain to deal with. I am a pain
to deal with, and I'm very, very very irritable. I realized that,
and it happens usually run the first to get paid. I'd be like,
what the fuck, nigga, I just paid this ship where I don't
feel like my phone build Nigga, I'm I'm there, I'm two steps away
from canceling this motherfucker. Bro. I'm like, Bro, I'm always at
home, always on the WiFi. I never really use the motherfucking service like
that. My my car got internet, Nigga, everywhere I go got internet.
Exflinity is everywhere. I'm like, I don't really even need to pay
this motherfucker. I could just be honest, But I do realize that I
have children that are watching me now. They're very impressionable, and I have
to and I have to mind my temperament. And I also realized that my
son talks to my wife and and my daughter's the way that I talk to
them. So I got to be very careful about how I communicate with when
I'm when I'm irritated, I gotta be very careful and very mindful of how
I move and how I walk and how all of these things. I gotta
whatever I need to do in order to to to lighten the load light in
the mood. I have to do that. And thankfully I've been able to
work on certain certain projects, and hopefully I got a project coming up that
will alleviate some of the stress. But the fact that the fact that you
said that you also don't know what the fuck is going on makes me feel
like all right cool because a lot of the times I look around and I
feel like that people gotta figure it out hell, and nobody hasn't figure And
I know that, bro, Like I know that, I know that nobody
hasn't figured out. But when I get on social media and shit, man,
all you seeing this nigga's highlights though I'm not really seeing what a nigga
really going through. Yeah, I know that, I do know that.
I do know that, and I guess I don't know. I do know
that though all of that because a lot of the ship that motherfucker's be putting
up there, so a lot of that should be a facade. Bro.
I know every time I see someone, I ain't gonna say because I don't
know who's gonna listen to this ship, but I do be watching motherfucker's post
and I'll be like, y'all, you're not even happy like that, but
me and my wife are happy. Get my kids happy. Somebody like my
homie was like, man, because we had a Dorian's birthday party as guys
on and uh, my wife and I didn't talk the entire time, like
we didn't say one word. We didn't say one word to each other.
We ain't mad at each other or nothing. It was just like, oh,
it was kids every fucking where. Like we just went a straight,
straight gold mode. My homeboy put me inside. He was like, hey,
I don't know if you are as happy as y'all really are, Like
y'all really look put this put y'all doing a great fucking job. And I
was like, I told her I wanted this year and she was like,
damn, I didn't even realize me. Ain't say nothing to each other,
Like she was handling the kids in the cake and shit, I'm out there
watching the kids jumping ship. And I was just like, but most people,
that's a lot of people that's on social media, but they I don't
post my wife, I don't post none of the ship that we do,
none of the I don't do none of that. But I see it a
lot. But I do know that some of the people that post that shit
ain't really as happy as they say they are. So that makes me ask
my wife, are we are we happy? Yeah? I asked my wife
that ship, like are you happy? And she's like, yeah, are
you happy? And I'm like yeah. But then sometimes I'd be like,
and this is just my brain, how fucked up my brain is? Do
we know that we're not all right? You know what I'm saying? Like,
do we know that is the ship sinking and we not know it?
Because sometimes I'll be hearing people say that they just woke up the one day
and it was over. Man, I'm not saying that. I think I'm
saying that. Sometimes I'd be like, am I paying? Am I paying?
Are you paying attention to her? Yes? Yeah, because that is
the I'm paying all that all pets in her? Yeah, because too much?
Because I know that that was That's what's kind of my issue. I
was too busy worried about what I had going on to really pay attention to
what she got going on and what's going on over there until you wake up
and it's light. You don't really love me like that? And again,
yeah, shit, man, I was worried about I had all this other
shit going. Oh man, I didn't really have a chance to really worry
about what you was. I thought you was cool. Yeah. See,
my thing is my trauma. My trauma is my wife is not my mom.
So I'm always asking her, are you good? Are you good?
Always? Because when I grew up, Bro, I had to tell MoMA
this recently, I said, Man, we had to, we had we
had to. We had to. We had to listen to how you closed
the door when you came in from work, to know how you felt,
how you was closing cabinets, how you was walking again, how light you
walked, how heavy you walked. That shit told us everything we needed to
know about how we needed moving this motherfucking house. You grow up with that.
I didn't move. I didn't move. I didn't move out to my
mom's house until I was eighteen, so eighteen years of that. So now
I'm now whenever I get relationship, I'm overly I'm overly conscious about my wife
when she closed the door, if she she might be mad at something completely
different. Ain't got nothing to do with me. But I'm I'm asking her,
you're straight, you're good, and and I don't want it to be
annoying. So she's super understanding, So she understand. She knows my mom,
so she she kind of gets it. But Bro, I was,
I was, Oh, man, you might not get the real answer though,
even when you ask that you know what I mean, Like yeah,
you put a little facade like everything cool, Yeah you're good. Yeah,
I'm straight. That's that's never anything. Yeah I'm okay. That'd be the
thing, And that's trauma talking because she might really be okay because she didn't.
She don't come from that, like at all. She don't come from
none of that. Her family don't do none of that, bro Like,
And I thought that most families was like my family until I was until I
went around her family and I was like, oh, y'all really don't deal
with none of this ship. Y'all don't even have I don't even your family.
Her family didn't even put the chemicals in her brain to even process the
ship. That the process the way that I process shit wrong. So me
knowing that kind of lets me know that she is she is telling the truth.
But like you said, back into my mind sometimes I'd be like,
what if she lying? What if everybody lying? Like you know what I'm
saying, because I do. I do understand that I am not the easiest
to talk to you all the time. So how do you deal with that?
Like do you how do you deal with because you're a big nigga.
Pause, but how do you deal with how do you know if somebody telling
you the truth or not being fearful of how you might respond? And I
never know, damn me, I never really know. But I can't really
worry about that either, you know what I mean? Like I'm gonna ask,
are you sure it didn't if you lie? Yeah? You lie?
I ask you twice. Yeah. I can't really worry about that. All
I can do is move forward. Yeah, but then, but do you
believe like in relationships, like how we can revisit it, But in that
I'm not gonna keep like, obviously you're not ready to talk about it.
So when you're ready, Yeah, whenever you're really ready, because I could
I might something something, I might say like nah, it's something wrong.
But when you're ready to talk about it, you can come talk to me.
You know that wasn't that'd be my thing? Bro. I just want
to be. I just want to be whoever my son needs me to be.
I want to be the good, best version of that. Same with
my wife, my daughter, my sister. I had to realize that I
wasn't even a good brother recently, Like I had to realize, like,
man, your sister is always coming up here, She's always driving up here
to see you, but you don't never drive down there. But I had
to tell I said, it really hurts for me to try that long,
Like I can't drive comfortable like that, my body too tight. I'm trying,
and I said, I want to do better. I'm gonna I'm gonna
try my best to get my body right by the summer. I'm gonna do
everything in my part that I can. But I'm like, I got to
pay for a sleep specialist for my daughters so they can sleep through the night.
So I can go to the gym at night when they go to bed
and put them to bed at seven eight. I can go to the gym
from eight to ten, come back home, go to sleep. But it's
just really hard to get into a routine. And I don't think people really
understand that you're dealing with infants, man, you know what I mean.
It's a difference. Yeah, you're not gonna like you just enter in the
toddler stage with one, you know what I mean, And you're dealing with
these two infants hit at the same time. So it's a lot to manage.
It's somebody to manage. But Nigga, the world don't give a fuck
nigga. But the thing is, you got to say fuck the world.
You gotta say funck what's going out there in the world, and create your
own world in here, because truth be told, this is your own this
is your world, this is my world. This is your world. And
what's in this house, you know what I mean? And you got to
create ate your own ecosystem in this house. Funck was going on out there,
as long as everything is cool in here, right straight? Yeah,
Yeah, you're right, bro, that's good advice. Make sure everything in
this house flourishes. Yeah, learn how to manage mine. Just I just
want to teach my son, how to my daughters, how to process the
emotions. My Nie, she ten, she's going through it right now.
Bro. And I said, I don't remember being ten, but I wish
I had me at ten. I wish I had at me at ten.
And I saw a clip on Instagram and said, you are the person you
wish your child you You are the person you wish you had when you was
a child. You know. The fucked up thing about that is, so
you're dealing like I think I'm starting to see an error in my ways when
they come to raising my child. When I see people with their children.
And the only reason I say that is because I had my child that's so
young, you know what I mean. I was twenty years old when I
had my son, so I was still growing and learning, and like I
definitely fucked some ship up along the way. Yeah, and it's evident and
how me and my son communicate with each other. But like in like trying
to navigate that now, let mean, and trying to correct some of those
things, Like some of that damage is irreparable, you know what I mean.
That's that's not necessarily true because it's just it's taking along. It's gonna
take a long time to correct. I have the time it took through it,
exactly. Yeah. So I'm thankful that I was old, Yeah,
because my emotions I'm too in tongue with my emotions now. Yeah, I
didn't have very much patience at all back then. Oh, Niga, I
can't imagine me in twenty having a kid. I had no patience of twenty.
I didn't have patience until Dorian was born. Bro, I didn't have
none. And I taught you patience, app to fucking looken, definitely taught
the patience. It definitely taught me to it definitely. It definitely taught me
patience and and it also taught me that no matter how I looked at myself
in the mirror that morning, my son never looked at me like that.
Yeah, you always a superhero. They're always bro And having kids is the
most irresponsible thing I've ever done financially, But it's the best decision I've made,
hands down, because this experience of being a father and a husband,
it's probably the most satisfying and the most reassuring, but it's also the most
It's also scary as fucked too. But I know that they don't really care
for the things that I care about, you know what I'm saying, Like
the materialistic things, the money. They don't care about that. And that's
what I wanted to get back into what you was talking about, Um like
a man's finances determining how much of a man he is, you know what
I mean. And that's something that I'm trying to really get out of,
is finding pleasure in things and trinkets. What do you mean by that?
Like, man, I'm I'm a shoe nigger. I love shoes. But
then I'll get to looking at my clothest. Sometime I'm like, man,
I don't have enough space for all of these goddamn shoes. I need to
get rid of some of this ship. And then it got me to thinking,
like why do I have all of this ship? You know what I
mean? Because like, if you're if you're a person that that finds pleasure
in things, you're never gonna be happy because it's always gonna be something new
to replace. You always gonna want something, dude, you know what I
mean, And you're never gonna be able to satisfy that hunger for whatever it
is, you know what I mean. So I was like, then I
got to find a way to come up out of this because it's a it's
a lot of money being wasted, and I like, I'm never really I'm
never fulfilled for real, Like I told myself a couple of times lately,
if I got that, that's all I need. I don't need nothing else.
Cap take off, saying cap may cap Man, I'm not I've never
been that person. Bro. You look at my closet. I've had the
same shoes since two thousand and fourteen. Bro, I don't buy shoes.
I don't buy clothes, and I and I and I grew up not buying,
so I guess that's my moneyga Ai. He grew up not buying,
but now he's buying. He was like, now I'm getting all the Lebrons,
I want all the Kobies, I want all that shit, and I
understand it. But for me, I'm just buying all the equipment that I
want. See, Ay, I's kind of who I was. Yeah,
you know what I mean. Like I had a like once my mom,
she came up a little bit and I was able to get like the first
pair of Jordan's I ever had, with the Jordan elevens, the patent leather
bread patent leather elevens, and I had to bust my ass to get them.
Yeah you know what I mean. I was like, I'm not gonna
buy them straight out, but if you can come up with half, I
get them for you. So shit, that's what I did. I went
out. I was out cutting everybody's yard that I could. Shit. Uh
yeah, I was going door to door, knocking on people's door, shoveling
snow, all that shit, doing whatever I had to to get them.
And shit, that just created that one for him. But I always wanted
to be a fly nigga, you know what I mean. And we was
cool. I wasn't never sucked up for real, but black. My mom
was a thrift shopper. Shit we went to Goodwill and she always kept me
in some nice shit. I didn't never look fucked up, but I knew
how to put some shit together. And that's pretty much what I'd be on
now, you know what I mean. And it just developed, you know
what I mean, that love that should just morphed into something else. Yeah,
and it's it's kind of ridiculous. Now it's like, man, I
gotta get rid of somebody's ship. Yeah. I think that the thing about
shoes is that you can always be a reseller, like or to find a
different way, to find a different way to to to harbor that love that
you have for buying new shoes or whatever the case may be. Like it's
always it's always a way to monetize or monetize off of that. So it's
not really nothing to worry about. The problem. The problem come in.
The problem. The problem arises when let's shop you find them amount to nothing.
And recently I went and got, uh, these speakers, these great
speakers. I'm gonna put him. I'm gonna move these from right here and
put them up here to create an atmost room, and didn't get another to
another one of those put right there, another one of those for right there,
so it could be seven point one point two. But when I went
to go get those speakers, I got him from my cousin's house because I
gave him to him like two years ago. But his sister has cancer and
she's slowly but surely dying, and uh may, I'm telling you, bro,
it's all around this bro. But when I went down to his basement,
nigga, all their stuff was done there, and I was like,
damn, we just become an accumulation of shit. And I just that just
really was. And then my father in law when he passed, he left
all this type of ship. We got so much, so many tools,
bro, so many motherfuckers, lawn Moore's nigga. We got nigga easily,
ten lawn mores nigga easily, six weed wrackers nigga, every tool you can
imagine. They get a tool to take the engines out. We got three
cars, and like it's so much shit that it's so much shit that we
don't know where to even start. You know what I'm saying, And that's
what I don't want to be like because that shit never that ship didn't save
his life, and that ship didn't bring him any joint in life. It
just became another responsibility, bro, for someone else, for somebody, for
me, nigga. So with me, I'm trying to only buy things like
that that microphone that you body recording. It's new, but that microphone has
another purpose and I only ever buy it again. This nigga got like ten
of these holes. But the thing about that is it only there's another version
of the microphone that I'm gonna get. There's another version. There's always extra
that and it only means something that you only means something to me. But
from more, you can take it somewhere and sell it. Though. Okay,
she can sell all of the ship, but you could do that with
the way ackers and one I'm gonna do. I'm deaf gonna sell them.
Okay, I'm selling that. Don't getting fucked up. But he had it,
bro, when we move into this house. He had all of those
lamars. I had this, He had the ship, and he wasn't trying.
He held he was just sitting on it, he was sitting on it.
I had to go buy out a wee Wacker and buy a Lamar.
And when I found out that he had so many, I got mad.
You just a fuck you didn't get your daughter this motherfucking like and it may
it just made it just brought up so many questions, and I'm trying not
to. I'm trying not to do that because I don't want to question who
he was because who he was is not who he was. Who he was,
he can't hear them more so he can't defend himself. So I don't
even want to go down the rabbit hole. But I'll be over analyzing shit
like a motherfucker bro. But I don't want to become that nigga just to
I'll be trying to. I'll be trying to have my wife just throw shit
away, like we don't need this. If we didn't touched it in the
year, get rid of it now. I don't want to. If we
ain't touched it in the year, the mean we went through all the seasons
and didn't touch it, never need it, never needed it, So we
don't need it. Let's just get rid of it. And then if we
get if we need to get it again. Then we just get it again.
But for right now, no. I had a bunch of button ups
and ship that I was wearing when I worked at the Zoo. But COVID
came, Nigga and I and I started doing black Wood a full time.
I would it went. I was a year and a half with I was
wearing some of them button ups and I it was just it was like a
bunch of them. I just get this ship through my nigga Mike saying.
I was like here, bro, here. He was like, Nigga,
are you sure. I was like, bro, I don't. I'm not.
I'm not going to wear these ever again. My wife was like,
why are you dude? I said, bro, just taking up space.
I only need a white one, a black one, a great one,
a blue one. You know what I'm saying. But I just don't want
to. I don't want my trauma to and I think that and we can
end on this, we can finally get through the cord. But I don't
want my trauma to be the reason why I piled myself with stress and die.
I want to I want to experience the world, and I want to
experience people for who they are and not who I and not who my trauma
is telling me they are? You know what I'm saying. Like one day
I was just in here and I was like, man, am I Am
I? As close to Buyron as I can be? Because I was like,
am I am I? Am I useful to him? Am I useful
to Jessica? Am I useful to like people? That's that I used constantly
for Black Widow. So I had to ask Brittany. She's a start,
she's starting this one and she was in season three two. I was like,
am I, am I? Do you feel safe enough to ask me
of what you need from me? Do I provide that for you? She's
like, yeah, all right, bet, I'm only going to ask once.
You know what I'm saying. But I feel like a lot of people
don't ask me for help and then they put out some bullshit and I just
get mad, you know what I'm saying. But then I don't want to
be overly critiqued. But it's it's if you're my friend and you put out
audio and it sounds ass and you never asked me how to make it sound
better. I don't feel like we're friends. That's how I feel this is
the only thing I'm good at is audio and talking, so and I have
to I have to tell myself. I have to tell myself that it's not
me. But I'll be feeling like, why didn't they ask me for help?
Do I not make Do I not make myself? Um? Do I
not make it easier to talk to me or ask for help? Do I
do I talk down to people when they ask for I'm asking all these things
because I want to be better fathering, a better husband, and a better
friend. So I'm but I do understand that everybody got their own ship going
on, but I just want to I just want to be a vessel for
people to have to utilize, not take advantage of what to utilize should they
need me. And I'm trying to provide. I'm trying to become a version
of myself that is lighter to communicate with and not just so you know what
I'm saying. But that's just me being a nigga and over analyzing everything because
I want to be I want my funeral to be fat man. That that
was what about thoughts of what time to be? Like ship? I want
I want my funeral be fat too, man. But at the same time.
Man, all the old people that really didn't matter. It's the people,
the people that need to be there, gonna be there, man,
that is true. So I don't really give a fuck no more because it's
stressful. Her. Yeah, it's stressful. And I just we just put
this, this this large amount of stress that just sitting in our body.
Bro. I could feel it, but I feel it in my body.
Bro, I can feel it just like in my body and I and I
and I'm having to acknowledge it and get rid of it, kind of like
similar to her dad's stuff. Acknowledging it, get rid of it. Either
find useful fine, find a useful reason to have it, or get rid
of it, because it ain't doing shit but crowding your space, crowding your
blood vessels, nagging, It's making you just irritable. It's making you not
want to go out. It's making you not it's making me they don't even
want to go nowhere and see nobody. I ain't seen nobody in for everybody.
It could be because I got toddlers and ship you know what I'm saying,
kids, So I don't know, man, It's something that I'm actually
really dealing with right now. It's a book that I'm reading called The Five
Rules to Attached Me. I don't know what I mean. And it's about
look it up. Yeah, it's it's about it. It's talking about that
very thing right there, man, like detaching things, being able to detach
from things that don't really serve you. So because five Rules will Attached Me
so by Don Miguel Rue as Junior Rules Attachment, I should ain't hopping up
in the audio books later. H yeah, all of this. I mean,
what has the book talked you so far? I only got through the
first shot career, man, That's That's where I'm at, just trying to,
just trying, just trying to. And I think that this series,
bro, Honestly, I think that this series is kind of like my first
attempt to really try to do something in Wild People because the first Yeah,
so you don't think Black Widow did that. I didn't purposely do it.
No, I didn't purposely. Bro. You look at this room, bro
Versus when you first came, don't look nothing like, nothing like. But
I'm go've learned so much, you know what I'm saying. Dumb white people
at Q cole Man. They really and the engineers and all the producers,
like, they've really been. They've really been nice to me. Man,
they've really been. And it could be because of who their boss is.
In the relationship that I have with their boss. I don't even know why
he was. I don't even know why he's so nice to me. Name
like Kaleidoscope that's on Netflix. He did that, that's his ship. So
he was doing a movie with Nick Nicholas Cage right now, and they got
texting him and I was like, Yo, how how because that's one of
his bucket list is to work with Nicolas Cage. And I was like,
Yo, how is Nick? He was like, man, it's the best
experience and he's super short, but I got it. I can call him
and ask him you know what I'm saying, and he'll answer and he'll you
know what I mean. But they ain't gotta be nice to me like that.
But Black Widow, for they kind of like they see, they see
the work that we put in and that amounts to something to them, you
know what I'm saying. So with this one, it's kind of like,
Okay, I got people, I have a so I have a It's kind
of like having a superpower and you're just using it. You're just using it
willy nilly, not really understanding the benefit of it. That's what every Blackwoodow
was, all of that ship, season one, two, three, all
the diaries. It never was intentional to get me from here to there this
series, Well, who I cast and why casted? And what microphone I'm
using, and what sound effects I'm using, and what headphones I'm using a
mix and the speakers I'm using the mix. Everything is very intentional because when
you can, when you can d M people and they respond, writers,
producers, movie movie execs, and they respond, this is what everybody do
on Instagram. It could be a bitch. It could be a woman.
I'm sorry, it could be a woman, or it could be a thirsty
ass naked for a woman. Somebody gonna DMU and they might say, some
Outlander ship you need to be you need to be with me. If you
go to the page and the page look like they could possibly be with you,
you're gonna take it as a joke and you're gonna l ol, and
you're gonna start a conversation because that person looks like they should have said that
to you. If that's how that's what black Wood is. And I never
realized that what one? Where do you want to What do you want to
do with your life with this? Do you want to be a voice height?
Do you want to be a producer? Do you want to be as
sound design? All right, figure that out first, whenever, whatever you
decide. Now, when you go into somebody's DM and you send them a
link, this is that. And I've gotten responses that I never thought that
I would get, you know what I'm saying. So it's kind of like,
all right, well, what else can we do? Then? What
else can we do? Then? What else can we do? Then?
Because the next series I'm doing, you could you could be the guy on
that one too, But that was that series was the series that the movie
produced to me to make in twenty twenty. He was like, hey man,
just redo Fatal Attraction, but a black version. I was like,
all right, it took me this loan to actually be satisfied with it,
so we're gonna descript the script. So now I'm reading, like, yes,
yes, we're gonna go crazy with this motherfucker. But then now I
know he said, he said, I see everything you post, but I
listen to nothing. I'm only gonna listen to what you tell me to listen
to. So that's gonna be the one that I'd be like, hey,
here it is, check it out, and my life can change. And
it may not, it may not, nothing may not happen, but he
has he has the ability to help me change my life. And that's what
I'm and that's what I'm realizing. That's the only thing that matters right now
to me. And I have to make sure that my ship days afloat the
best way that they can while I navigate to that spot. But it can
be a very it could be stressful, and I have to find better ways
to manage that stress while I'm trying to get my boat to that to the
next doot. You feel what I'm saying. So that's where our health and
ship come in and that and working out and this and that and that and
that. But like you said, we're black men navigating this for the first
time. So I have some grace for me because I have no idea what
I'm doing. Like at thirty six, I think I look better than my
dad did at thirty six, but my dad didn't have as many kids as
I have right now. And I'm not sure he was as happy with his
wife, and I ain't with mine, you know what I'm saying, Like,
I can't. I know where niggas was at physically when they were my
age, but mentally and emotionally, I don't know where they was at and
they'll never be honest with me about it, you know what I'm saying.
So I ain't no. As a man, I try to find ways to
gauge I'm doing something right or whatever, and there's there isn't one. Are
you able to have the type of conversations with your nigga? Yeah? Me,
either, I can't. I can't really have no. I can't have
that conversation either. That's that's the tough part. That's the like, it's
like, Nigga helped me, Nigga, Like, I'm I don't give a
funk about none of the shit that you did before. I don't give about
none of that. Nigga helped me today, helped me right now, and
he's met emotionally he ain't And that shit so frustrating, bro. Like,
I'm like, Nigga, I don't give a funk about none of that.
Ship. I was watching something that I cried earlier and they got watching the
Shrink. I was watching Shrinking on Apple TV and Henry Harrison Ford is a
is a shrink and he's been a shrink and his daughter he put his career
before his daughter. So his daughter moved Nigga halfway across the country, Nigga
to get away from him. So he's getting all the time, he's getting
Uh, he's getting something. I can't remember what it is. But he
needs assistance now and his daughters on only one that can help him. So
she comes and was like, Yo, you should move in with me,
my son and my husband. He was like, I can't. I'm not
retired yet. So she gets frustrated, like you always picking and work over
da. So he's at the telling of his career. You're about to get
an award, a lifetime achieve him an award. So he asked his daughter,
Yo, do you like Vegas? She said, yeah, do you
want to come to Vegas? Do you and your family want to come to
Vegas with me? And she was like why. He was like, I'm
getting awards. She's a day you go pick and work over your family.
She said, I can't come anyway because my son has a recital and then
he and the show makes you believe that he got a date to go to
to go to the award ceremony, but he asked the girl that he's dating
to go to the recital, and the way that his daughter looked when he
sat next to him and was like, I'm I'm I'm going to he was
like, I'm going to make a conscious decision to be a better father,
and she grabbed his hand and I started crying because I'm like, damn,
I always wanted you to just like turn around and just like acknowledge, like,
oh, I have a son here, he needs my help. I
kind of gotta get out of my way to be a better, better father
for him. And I don't know when that I ever go away, you
know what I'm saying, Because I want you to help me navigate this shit,
and I want us to talk as men, but you you are so
emotionally just not You're just not there emotionally, and I and it's I had
to stop taking a personal because maybe you're just not that nigga, you know
what I'm saying. Maybe you just can't Maybe you just don't know how to
you don't know how to be so I can't keep getting mad at you.
But you don't even know that. You don't know how to be so when
I come, when I come to you, I might be seeming super sensitive,
but to me, you're not sensitive enough. You know what I'm saying.
So you you, you, you, You're a fucking robot. You're
work you. You worse than chat GPT because at least chat GPT can tell
me some shit the type you ain't even giving me any instructions on how to
navigate an under the ship and all the advice you give me is bad because
you're emotionally irresponsible, so I can't even ask you for advice. So really,
this relationship is useless, But I don't want to throw it away because
one day I want you to realize, oh shit, I need to be
a father to Eric, and so that that that dealing with that still like
that ain't gonna never go nowhere, But I still want I Because of that,
I know that I had to be a better I know that I have
to be who I need to be for my son and love on my son
and hug on my son because I noticed that he was watching me hug on
my daughters and kiss on him and I know it's how he was looking at
me. So I just grabbed him and hugged on him, and he reacted
like finally, and I was like, oh shit, I'm glad that ain't
going too long, you know what I'm saying. But yeah, I just
wish that I had I just wish that I had a father to communicate with
about this life ship. Yeah, because he's here. It's like, Nigga,
you might as well be dead because you ain't serving a purpose. And
that shit hurtful. It hurts, you know what I'm saying, Man,
Yeah, that's shit. It's it's it's tough because honestly, I feel like
I'm walking on water. I feel like in podcasts and this and this conversation
that I had with the with the podcast host recently just kind of confirmed that.
Like she's like, yeah, you're your numbers are ridiculous. She said,
if you can be consistent with it, like every week until you'll be
out of here. And I was like, I know, but to be
recognized, I'm only recognized by like you Jones, like people who actually pie,
they'd be like Nigga, yea, yeah, but I want my wife
don't give a fuck about none of this make my dad nobody, because it's
not a land that they navigate in. It's not a land that they navigate
in and until it comes and then and and I don't know what would make
them ever, But I feel like I'm walking on water right now, and
I don't feel like nobody's really noticing. But it's a common it's a common
feeling, though, So I have to tell myself that it's not personal.
They just don't know. They just don't know. Man, But like you
getting like you, you going from Friday to Saturday, djan to me,
I understand what that means, but nobody else probably understands what that means.
So it's like, damn, I want. I want y'all to jump for
joy for me, But y'all responses ain't y'all responses making me not want to
tell y'all when things like this happen. Yeah, I don't know how to
navigate that party. Man, Just keep living man out one day. Yeah,
oh yeah, we gotta record, man. I don't keep you too
now. You're good man, that father ship. But every time I think
I'm over that ship, bro, I see a scene like that that my
fucking will Smith. Why don't he love me? Shit, Nigga, that
shit still makes me be like yeah, yeah, yeah, especially when he
was like, I learned how to couple. He said, he didn't teach
me to the girls. But I got damn good at the dinner because I
was thinking about, you know, just the hurt that I caused girls in
the past, from all the trauma that I've ended, and I was like,
I hate that. I hate that version of myself. Man. Uh
yeah, uh. You sometimes you see some of the like ugly traits in
yourself, man, you know what I mean, and you liking them to
your father, you know what I mean? But um, part of that
is you like a lot of that might not even necessarily be true, man,
you know what I mean. You just owning up to it just because
that's how you feel about it. M uh man. It's another book that
I was reading man called No More Mister Knights Guy. Man. It was
talking about like that very thing. Man, Like most quote unquote nice guys,
they feel a certain way about their pops, and they overcompensate by how
they treat other well women must specifically just because they don't want to be like
their father. Yeah. Yeah, you feel like you do that I have.
Yeah, yeah, definitely, Uh it's tough man, Yeah it's super
tough, bro, it's super tough, and I don't and yeah, it's
just super tough. I don't really know what to do about it, though,
because I'm acknowledging it and my wife is doing a good job of helping
me understand that I am good enough. But sometimes I think I think producing
the pot and not getting a response to I thought I wanted before. I
think that was playing a big role. It was too similar to what I
was used to feeling. I think that I think that most creators, man,
well, who are you getting a response fro him? Though I don't
know because everybody to say, like it's hello, Awards right behind me Nigga
did yeah, But I guess, I guess validation. It is validation,
but it ain't enough. It's not enough. It's kind of like you with
the shoes. I want the validation, but no valid no validation is ever
enough. So the same way you got it, the same way you're figuring
out what the fuck I'm gonna do with all of these shoes, It's the
same way I'm figuring out what the fuck I'm gonna do with or how how?
What what do I? I guess this is what this series for me
is kind of like the validation that I need doesn't come from anybody else.
It comes from my resume. Now what if what if it just comes from
you? Yeah, my resume? Me me? What what? What I
take? And put what I what I take from this show and put on
my reel to be happy that, oh I did this, I made this,
I made I made this. Like the graphics and do I need the
poster every time I do something to remind me like you did, you know,
like a plaque you know what I'm saying, to be able to look
and be like, damn, I did do that because I've at this point
it's just like a routine. And you know what I'm saying, There is
no evidence of nothing in this room or anything black with us up. The
awards, ain't no posters, ain't no. It's just time spent, you
know. But I am thankful that I have the vessel to create. But
I have to get out of my own way. I gotta I have to
shit they like I said, Tyler, period of ship like for real,
for real and and as much as Nigga you a part of that ship too,
Like when whenever they were doing them plays, Nigga Nigga probably just thought
he was up. And then they went on tour and then glout. I
asked if we at with this? I asked Benoni. Benoni as the president
of Radio, which is Easter Ray's record company. I texted him and I
was like, any talk to you? Called me and get what's up.
And I was like, hey man, when y'all was doing Awkward Black Girl,
how would you know it was successful? He's like, we didn't.
He said, easter Ray was doing it and all the people that she had
on her team, they was on the team and they were just doing it.
They weren't really getting paid like that. So then they started they needed
money, so she did the crowdfunding. She said she figured they was only
getting thirty thousand players at that time. She says, she figured that that's
success to me, Yeah, yeah, but she's but it wasn't to them.
She said that they figured that if every every viewer gave them a dollar,
they had thirty thousand and that would get that would amount to the amount
money that she felt like it would take to do that. But they got
all the press because it was a black girl getting a lot of money from
the crowdfunding because they were like, who is this? Who is this?
It wasn't because the show was so good and then for Real saw it and
then for Real funded it, and then it kind of went up from there.
So he was like, you know, it was all it was always
we felt like we had to get to the next level. We never really
appreciated the level that we were at exactly, he said. So he was
like until they were ABC and then HBO and then booms, Aray is who
he's Aray is And I was like, damn. He was like, he
said, bro, you really so you really are doing a good job.
Definitely, man, And I was like thanks, and he was like,
just just keep going. But I guess there's no blueprint for the ship,
you know what I'm saying, So I can't there is no there is no
there is no there is no um, no checkpoint to say if you're doing
this, you're doing it correctly. There is there isn't that so but it's
hard because like you said, like if you could DJ, if you could
DJ full time four a living, yeah, that would be great, but
I ain't. I'm not doing this full times I got to do extra shit,
but I also got to manage my wife, my kids, bills,
and sometimes sometimes it's hard. It's extremely hard. And like I said,
when that bank account is zero, nigga, I'm very unpleasant and I'm mostly
unpleasant to myself, you know what I'm saying, because I beat myself up,
like did you did I? Did I waste my time? Now I'm
too Now I'm too far in. I gotta do this ship for a living
now. So but it's kind of like did I waste my time as a
kid making music instead of going to college for something else? Just like it's
it's just accumulation action, an accumulation of ship, an accumulation of self doubt
that I've had over the years. But it's led me to this space that
I love so much. But it's kind of like when the ship go bad,
it's like I started talking to myself the way that my mom's talked,
you know what I'm saying, Like I started talking to myself like that,
and she don't talk to me like that no more. But she was younger
and I'm not putting it on her, but that's the voice that I hear,
like or just the millions of black women that say niggas ain't shit if
they ain't got no money. So you just feel like you ain't You're not
you're never doing enough. Never nigga. What me and my wife was watching
bobs Burger's last night, nigga and I couldn't relax. I was like,
I'm supposed to be doing something. She's like, just relax, I said,
I don't know how to relax, and it just hit me. I
don't know how to relax, and that could be where the pain coming from
my body. Just not knowing how to relax. I always feeling like I
gotta check on the babies. I gotta faux close, I gotta do black
widdows, I gotta check even It's like I don't know how to just breathe.
But I think that's the black man thing. Do you know how to
relax? Like what's relaxation to you? A man? Nah? I really
don't. Like, Oh, I had an experienced man, like fucking went
up like shrooms for the first time. When was that recently? Yeah,
I wasn't. It was cool, but like it really get a chance to
really take home because I did a really like small though, just because I
was trying to get into it. But yeah, the thing about it though,
was like shit, it didn't really do what it was supposed to do
because I couldn't relax, you know what I mean. And once I was
able to actually like because I I feel it coming old, and then it
was like, man, I need to do something. I get up and
I bring myself out of it and then I had to sit back, breathe
deep, and then I fall back into it. But I was coming in
and out of it, you know what I mean. So that little taste
of it though, that's a great feeling. Though it was that was the
best feeling to ever bro. Oh that's a great feeling. Oh man,
But yeah, the fuck you up not being able to relax. Did you
listen to anything while he was trying to relax? Definitely? What to man,
it was like this just a mix of like Neo so Ship, just
R and B and Ship all listening to the Love Below, Nigga, by
the time you know the album? Yeah, I know you know the album,
but you know you know the track listen. Yeah, by the time
by the time, Uh, I don't know, dude, spread ain't it
Nigga? When they said I felt it. I felt it at the intro
for when that motherfucker said say see yeah so spread they got my whole body
said shit shit sp I felt that ship all in my body, nigga,
and I moved my hands and it was all but fuck music is playing.
But I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. Oh yeah,
that was the best feeling ever, nigga. And that happened again when
I did uh I did shrooms either right before COVID or after COVID. I
think before and I was listening to frost Flakes by me goes m take off
and I'll set no me Who's on me? Uh take off in take off
in Quavo, and I was like, this sounds amazing. But I was
like, what else is mixed like this? And then I realized the Sickomotives
mixed the exact same way. Money is mixed the exact same way, and
uh, cardy money, all the big songs I mixed the exact same way.
How they used the reverb, how they use how or how far their
vocals are, all of that, like, it's all mixed the same way.
And I was like, oh, this this is a science. It's
a manipulation. Of people's emotions with sound frequencies. I need to pay more
attends to that, and that's when I start jumping off the deep end with
the spatial audience and ship like that. But yeah, definitely I opened it.
But I think my dad should take that ship. Your dad should take
that ship. All old black man should take that ship. Sure was wonder
what Sometimes I don't want that needed experience with nothing else. Yeah, but
yeah, man, thank you for taking this time communicate. I just the
stress man and stress and how people deal with it. I just want to
make I just want to help my wife deal with it better, and then
I want her that like today, she was like, summer cancer mine.
We posed AVO sitter to help me with the kids so I can record earlier.
But by the grace of God, should cancel. And but I was
like, nah, you just go ahead, and you know that's how you
deal with stress. I can't. I ain't about to. I ain't about
to have you in here with me. Go ahead and do that shit.
That That's why she came and was like thank you. But at the end
of the day, all I see online is a bunch of misogynistic niggas saying
some dumb ass shit about black women because of their mother hurt them. And
I hate all of it. I hate all of it because I don't feel
like I don't. I never I might have hurt women, but I hurt
them because I was ignorant. I never got on hearing was and had these
dumbass ideals. The profession fair type niggas I'm talking about all niggas. Niggas
don't care about women like we care about women, bro, Like we're supposed
to care about what I'm talking about me and you niggas don't. Niggas don't
really care about women's emotions and feelings and periods and this and that and that
and that. They don't really give a fuck about none of that shit.
They don't really even pay attend to their wife and how how she moved when
she's on her period, or or or how the world affects her emotions and
feelings. Like I'm only here to serve my wife, I'm only here to
serve my children. I'm only here to to I'm not I. That's that
people. Other people can be here for more than that reason. But I
get the most gratification when my people are happy. That's the way it's supposed
to be having those Having the thoughts and emotions that these niggas have towards women
is very toxic. Is extremely toxic. And it's and and and they can
still get women because women are also some women are extremely toxic as well.
So it's like the nigga that hit women and the women that only fuck with
niggas that hit them, it's like they're gonna find each other. I just
hate that I'm seeing it so much. I hate that I'm I hate that
I'm seeing it so much. Whatever I've thought about deleting or creating a whole
new Instagram and not liking none of that ship to where it never costs my
timeline, I don't want it. I don't even want to just but by
design, just merely just following somebody else, you know what I mean.
I ain't gonna be posted. You ain't following no nobody, then what's the
point? Did you ain't had no no no timeline? Fenster Faster, I
don't know, man, But it's getting out of hand, just allowing anybody
to talk into a microphone about toxic shit. But let's get into this session.
Hey, y'all, I know this, this episode was about a bunch
of shit, but I hope y'all enjoyed it and we're about to get into
this session. Brian, appreciate appreciate you, brother for always coming through when
I need you. Bro, I really do appreciate it from the bottom of
my heart. Let's go, no problem, Let's get this ship, crackhead,