Welcome to Softcore History. Blow and welcome to another episode of Softcore History.
Thanksgiving Edition. A kind of kind of We're recording this on a Monday night
before Thanksgiving, so it might as well be our Thanksgiving Edition episode. I
just read the topic. Oh well, it's kind of yeah, they settled
a part of America. It's yeah, yeah, Um, if you think
about how things went down towards the end of a certain colony, not very
Thanksgiving it it's like a colonizer and then potentially a Native American in the mix
if we ever get to it, because we might not front loaded topic.
Yeah, this is extremely front loaded topic, not even front loaded. This
man has just lived lived a life, yeah, like a thousand lives really,
uh, at least yeah. Primarily we're gonna be talking about John Smith,
the famous one of the famous leaders of the Jamestown Colony, Governor James
during Town. Well, he was the president of I believe Jamestown at the
time, is what you would call it. President. You probably know him
from the Disney original. Yeah, Pocahontas portrayed by Mel Gibson's voice in the
Disney original film Pocahontas. My first thing thinking about this. By the way,
my first thought when reading about John Smith was, um that this should
not have been a Disney movie that Mel Gibson appeared in, but a live
action Glory nineties mel Gibson movie, like a Brave Heart, like this should
have been. This should have been the sequel to Brave the spiritual sequel to
Braveheart. Thet Yeah, it's mel that Really it should have been the mel
Gibson Murders Other People trilogy. And this should have been the middle entry between
Braveheart and The Patriot. And it's just John Smith and it's always just about
some sort of genocide or revolution. Yeah, um yeah. And I also
would like to think that this is like, as mel Gibson's starting to turn
the corner into crazy. Yeah, where does this talk lipped out? Yeah,
he was probably trying to slip after he directed it. He wasn't in
it. He wasn't, but I bet you was trying to slip in notes
like Apocalypto style, like hey, we should show Pile's bodies. They're like,
this is a Disney movie, mel Gibson prevent presents pokehonas would have been,
it would have just started with someone being scalped one way or another,
someone's getting scalped. Yeah yeah, but yeah, we're talking about John Smith.
As Dan mentioned, he is the He's famous, most famously known by
people our age as the guy that really likes pokahonas also to be fair portrayed
very boringly by Colin Farrell in Um Terrence Malick The New World. I haven't
seen that, so okay, well you can stop at Terrence Malick. It's
I love the Thin Red Line. But um, The New World was basically
like the exact same theme, so the Thin Red Line except not as good.
Oh cool? Yeah, so it's gotten more of a pass off.
Like five movies and Terence Mallock what other movies has done? He's made like
seven movies. Yeah, like he makes a movie like every thirty years.
I've never seen any of them. Don't worry about it. Yeah, we
can't dive into this rabbit hole, right, uh yeah, yeah, so
I guess let's get things kicked off. John Smith a life well lived.
Yeah, surprisingly lived long too for the time, more surprisingly live long for
all this shit he got into. Yeah, this guy should have died like
twenty times. It should have started right off the bat. Really, I
mean, well, right, around sixteen. Yeah. So he was born
in fifteen to eighty and he was the son of this like profitable farmer in
Lincolnshire, England. But a peasant. Uh yeah, No, wasn't.
He wasn't like noble his dad. He wasn't noble. He was a farmer.
Yeah. I wouldn't call him a peasant. He was just a like
lower middle class. Yeah, he's like he's working class person. Yeah.
So, um, we don't hear much about the fifteen hundreds. Yeah,
if you really think about it. No, we historical events went down in
like the fifteen the dancing plague. That's it the only time most of the
colonization of America. Yeah, like at the beginning of it anyway. Yeah,
we like to what is it, fourteen ninety two, Yeah, fourteen
ninety two, that's the fifteen hundreds kind of get cucked. The fifteen hundred
kind of get overlooked. You get like you got like the Spanish Armada in
the fifteen hundred. Sir Francis Drake. You have a well yeah, speaking
of Sir Francis Drake. Um, he actually young John Smith actually adored Sir
Francis Drake. He was just as famous British Drake for big Drake, huge,
big, big champagne poppy stand, you know, And so it led
to an early desire to hunt for treasure and get into battles and you know,
just be this like young Rapscallion just out in the world. Hated name,
want to fucking as No, he didn't want to farm. And I
think, like any thirteen year old kid that he's looking at his dad's family
basis they were gonna be you get to kill people on boats. That's an
adventurer. And his dad's like, you're sissy and you're not gonna do that.
That's the garage. That's fifteen hundreds garage band like it would be famous
with but music, it would be famous. Killed French guys for their goal.
Yeah, you know, I guarantee you there is at least one fucking
weirdo in Brooklyn, like I'm going to be an explorer. It's like relatively
around the same time as that brother. And I's head is on a Somali
pike was yeah yeah, and like Magellan probably Marco Polo, No, Marco
Polo wasn't they have a cross paths. You think maybe John Smith and Magellan.
You never know. They may have. I don't know. I actually
have no idea. When Magellan and Queen Elizabeth the first fifteen hundreds, Yeah,
Virginia is named after her. So anyway, John Smith's dad wasn't really
stoked about the whole idea of his son being like, fuck farming, I'm
going to be an adventurer. Yeah. And so after a few years of
telling John to be like, hey, get a real fucking job the loser
um and John Smith being hell, no, Dad, I hate you,
John Smith's dad basically just kind of apprenticed him off to a merchant. Yeah.
He's like, oh, you don't want to farm, you wanna go
have fun. Yeah, you'll go, You'll go to venture just go.
I want to know what being a merchant apprentice is like? It was it
like keeping books. It's basically just queen. He had an education so he
could, but I doubt he was keeping But yeah, he's sweeping shit probably.
Yeah, he's keeping the storefront nice and learning where things come from it
and probably doing my job at six between nad or shoveling shit on the farms.
Yeah, horse shit. Shoveler is always a big occupation as well.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with anything's an upgrade over horse shit shoveler. Yes,
so always you never want to be a poop smith. And also the
thing is, I don't do apprentices get paid back. Then I don't know.
I don't think there is no chance internships in twenty twenty. Yeah no,
so fifteen nineties apprentice is not getting anything. So unfortunately, well for
just this one man, and not for John. John's dad died in fifteen
ninety six and John being now sixteen years old with even more wonder lust of
seeing all the cool shit happening, and fifteen years old in fifteen ninety six
is thirty seven in today's years. Oh yeah for an American male. Yeah,
absolutely, yeah, he's he's having like his his midlife Christ. This
is just a lined in the perfect way. He's like, no more dad,
Yeah, no more dad. I could do whatever I want. So
he pieced the fuck out of that job. And he's just fifteen hundred pip
like an apprentice, just being shipped off to another family. At first,
yeah yeah, yeah, but when when his dad died, when his dad
dad, he was beholden to no one. So he's like, fuck this,
I'm joining a mercenary crew. Fuck yeah. Yeah, sixteen, sixteen
years old, he joined a company of English mercenaries that bounced around from conflict
to conflict because that's just you could just do that. Yeah, no,
because they're just like this. I was thinking about this on the way here
actually, um, because like the big news was today that like Biden appointed
a bunch of just cabinet members and stuff like that. Oh yeah. And
then and I was reading this like at the same time when I was like
taking breaks and checking on Twitter, and I was like, man, that's
like the that's like the thing everyone takes for granted is that fifty European countries
aren't at war with each other all the time anymore. Yeah, Like there's
no shortage of conflicts just to show up job. It's like like nowadays people
have like tech startups. I feel like mercenary startups. It's like you're just
like I'm gonna get you know what I'm gonna get like forty guys, forty
like tough guys. Right, We've talked about this with William Walker. Yeah,
you just get some brosy plunder. Basically, it's it's you're fighting for
someone under contract, but you're also pocketing a lot of shit on the side
too. Then you get a few musicians to play bad company in the background.
That's right, just like that. I guess you gotta get like a
guy that plays a loot and yeah, maybe a drummer boy company. Yeah
right. They played their version of that, which I guess is like green
Sleeves or whatever. Yeah, that's time, Green Sleeves. Fun fact,
Green Sleeves was the only song for seven hundred years, pretty sure, there's
nothing else. They just changed the the pitch and the speed of it from
time and time. So he did a lot of conflict bouncing. He spent
some time in France to help keep Henry the Fourth on the throne, and
he also fought for the Dutch in their War of Independence from Spain. Side
of France though, because France, France just keeps getting into all these different
conflicts. Everybody's in, there's every everybody's in everything. But I mean France
just keeps, like, you know, picking their battles like as kind of
like the side hoe what Yeah, unless they were with England America, dude,
Yeah no, but this was main. This is the main France conflicts
for the most part. Yeah, it's always at this point pointing towards France
in one way or another. Regardless he's did in wars. He just he's
like picking and choosing his wars. Yeah, he's like, oh, you
know what, we're gonna make more money. We're fighting the Spaniards. And
is this where the industrial military, like the military complex comes from. No,
no, that's kind of what stops this from happening. Yeah, there's
just two big of guns pointed at everyone's heads. Now, yeah, the
mutually assured destruction thing at the time. Yeah, Napoleon, I don't even
think is started like no, not even close. But like once Napoleon starts
being like, well, if we have enough people, it doesn't fucking matter,
like we'll just swamp you if we have like everyone's in the military.
That's when you start seeing things turn around with like the change in battle and
stuff like that. At least I think, um, yeah, no,
that was I believe that was from our our sister podcast, Hardcore History mentioned
that in their World War One episode Our Spiritual Sister Hardcore History. I'm sure
Dan Carlin would love that. Yeah, these guys are legit. Anyway,
along the way, he started picking up classical military techniques and he was reading
political text. He was reading like, I guess his main the war.
Yeah, he's read well, he's close for that area. Didn't he get
a kind of apprentice to get like protegeade? He did so he started learning
from Theodore Paleologue or Paleologu. He was the writing master of the Earl of
Lincoln, and that guy taught him how to handle a horse and how to
hold a lance, and how to speak Italian. But mainly what he taught
him was how to hate fucking Turkish dudes. Yeah, that's what I was
my favorite fun fact. But he mostly inherited, aside from the Italian and
everything else, was the hatred of the Turks, right, No, he
just he was like, fuck Turkish people, you need to get out to
Austria. At that point in world history, the Turks were probably the number
one power in the world. They were probably the world's number one superpower.
It's like the Ottoman Empire, right basically, yeah, it's the seat of
the Ottoman Empire is in Turkey. You could, I mean, you could
make arguments for Spain or so. Would he be pro or anti enis cancer,
He's just anti all Turks. Y's assume if he's a Turk or even
resembles a Turk. He's on he circular side, the government side. He's
on if you wants yea Turks. Yeah, no Turks at all. And
what he wanted to do from then on out was set out to fight Turks
in Hungary and in Austria because there was a lot of Austrian Turkish conflict were
like in a direct yeah, like the Turks had controlled like the Balkans and
shit, yeah, we're trying to expand into Hungary and Austria, right,
and so there was a lot of conflict there. So he sets off to
fight Turks in Hungary and he gets on a boat from France. He gets
on a boat to Italy because that's like the fastest route into Hungary from taking
his taking a flight to Italy. He's just on a ship casual travel.
But his boat sank and it was wrecked and he washes up on an island
off Kahn. So he's just shipwrecked. He's like alone. Yeah, he's
alone by himself, sucking castaway. And he was a film festival. That's
a good question. There was probably a good flick on like murdering Turks.
Yeah, he wanted to see some like gore porn before he went out and
actually did it himself. I don't I don't know why it went to the
film festival then. Yeah, but it was just a play. It was
like the inglorious Bastards of the fifteen hundred people just off Turks. Yeah,
so he was while he was washed up on the shore of Cohn. He
was rescued by Captain Laroche. His crew discovered Smith when it came ashore to
find food and water, and at some point while interacting with them and all
that stuff, he's like, yo, this sailing around as a merchant things
kind of dope, I could make some money rate. Well that's the thing.
See, Captain Leroche was known in France as a trade merchant. Everywhere
else side of French waters. He's a fucking pirate. Yeah, he's just
fucking pirate. Yeah, that's one thing I learned. I was reading about
something else. It wasn't John Smith, but I was reading this the other
day. Oh, I actually randomly was reading about just Blackbeard. Oh I
can't, oh, because I get I have a widget on my iPhone for
pirates. No. Yeah, yeah, there was a time where like Blackbeard
was representing a government and he was being he was able to do what he
wanted under like their flags kind of. So what it was is more like
anyway, I have a widget on my phone it's Wikipedia is like today in
history. Basically it's what is So Blackbeard came up and I was like,
I'll read about that and like essentially like and this is two hundred years later,
but essentially like a lot, not all of them, I couldn't give
you actually give you a percentage, but they're a fair amount some plurality at
least, uh pirates, specifically English pirates, because that's what I was reading
about. Um wouldn't attack English ships? Yeah right, but they were they
were they were didn't represent England, they weren't like, they weren't like acting
on behalf of the government. They were just like, oh, I know
those guys, why stir up trouble with the home team? Yeah exactly.
And also like a lot of them were like former navy people. They were
in the Navy before they became pirates, so uh, they were like,
you know, I was them, I'm not gonna yeah, but then a
French guy comes along and you know, they'll fuck fuck them up all day.
Companionship, yeah, Portuguese whatever. Yeah, um, so I assume
that's kind of the same thing. Like this dude probably didn't go after French
ships, but like Venetian Turkish. Interestingly, enough about Venetian ships. Um.
In one of the I don't know what you want to call it,
not a battle, but one of the encounters, John Smith had Wall and
the crew of Captain Laroche they come into contact with a Venetian ship. And
I don't buy this story at all. No, it's bullshit from what Okay,
So as the story goes, you know, they come up trying to
flag them down, like hey, let's talk or whatever. The pirate the
pirate ship, Morocia ship, let's talk, let's talk. Yeah, let's
they come on over here about what notion? Right? Oh god, this
place is so bad. Yeah, dude, it's the Mediterranean Sea. What
an amazing thing. And then the Venetian ship, because of you know,
lack of under mutual understanding, thinks it's a sign of aggression. Good call,
Yeah, it's really good call because they were right. They were they
were right, well, but they were correct. Yeah. So basically they
fired on Leocia ship and Lesa was like, oh, sick. They fired
first, so they just destroyed the ship. Could you do everything? And
then they you know, do It's like if if uh, I thought some
like mma guy was gonna beat me up, but I wasn't sure and I
was and like he was trying. He was like what what what what?
And I just didn't know what to do. So I slapped him and then
he beat me to death. Yeah, like I feel like that's what happened
with these two. Why don't you getting in the cage, Rob, I
did. I don't just come into the cage. It's comfortable here, get
in the cage, put on these guoves, like come on on anyway,
So they dutifully recover all of the beautiful things they're on the ship. Yeah,
they sank it and took everything. I didn't hear anything about the people.
No, no one was saved on that ship. Yeah. I don't
know where that happened. There's a lot of Venetian bones beneath where that took
place. It just so happens. There was no quarter on Jos's ships.
First, I don't know what to tell you. The time just lit your
throat. Yeah, So after about my friend, after about four months of
doing this plundering more so than actually bear trade. John Smith's pretty fucking rich,
and he's like, you know what, I'm I really need to fight
these turks. Man. He took he took a little um well, he
took pray love first. Yeah. He did a little trip through Italy.
Yeah he was. He did a little wanderlust a little here. Yeah.
Yeah, his gap year or whatever. Yeah. So yeah, john Smith
fucks around in Italy for a little bit. He's like, you know,
the turks are calling me. Yeah, he's like Johnny Boy, Johnny Money's
cool and like hanging out and hanging out. So he's much of wealth theory.
He's able to make his way to Graze Austria in the summer of sixteen
o one. To be fair, though, he is kind of rich.
He's like he's moetarily rich. He's no responsibilities. He's like he's like he's
like winning one hundred thousand dollars in the lottery rich, like like Reagan succession.
You know, Okay, he's got like five million. Imagine yourself at
twenty two winning one hundred thousand dollars. You're rich for a twenty two year
old, right, You're not gonna turn that into more wealth necessarily, you
could be there's a lot of work in front of you. Yeah right,
right right, So it's not like he didn't win twenty million dollars or five
You could make five million work, No, dude, five. You can't
retire in five millions the poorest rich person out there. Oh yeah, what
a seems horrible. Hardships terrible anyway, So he signs up with an Austrian
combat division in sixteen oh one. And this is keep in mind it's sixteen
o one. He is now twenty one years old, so he's like crisis
again. So far, this guy has been a pirate. He's been fight
He's fought in three battles I believe with France, with England and three wars
or three wars, yeah, three wars part god knows how many battles and
skirmishes. Has a gun for hire. Yeah right, yeah, exactly.
So he's in five years from sixteen to twenty one. He's basically a mercenary
and a special ob he for the time or whatever, he has already been
a mercenary. I don't remember who won those two wars. I mean I
do know the Dutch eventually got independence from Spain. I don't remember when that
happened. No, that's not true. Rob. The Dutch are actually still
under space. Still spin hears that makes sense. Um, he's making stuff
up over there. We don't not on this podcast. You don't fact check
this. Oh speaking, this is a quicker side. I love that the
guy tweeted at us that I was wrong about the Jodie thing. The military
thing. Oh, I don't remember what that was about because I couldn't remember.
He couldn't remember if the girl guy that bangs your girl cheats on or
she cheats. Yeah. I think I believe the name for the girls something
like someone sour crotch or something like that. Something from that Sarah Sauercrotch,
Susie scrot sounds more accurate. Yeah. Anyway, during the time that Smith
had devoted to studying and training actually allowed him to be pretty good at fighting
and leading in wartime and in battle. So I'm gonna go over some examples
of when he just did crazy cool shit in like one battles here. Love
it. Yeah. So, during the Battle for Limbach, a German fortress
town besieged by the Turks, Smith drew on his military readings to devise a
signaling system that led his regiment communicate with the Austrian garrison trapped inside. So
what they would do is they'd use torches and basically communicate back and forth through
the windows, and the garrison was told that the Austrian forces sent to liberate
them would charge the east of town after nightfall. The garrison should be ready
to support their attack, so they knew that they were coming. Bas He
devised a secret form of communication, yeah, just out of out of his
ass, yeah, basically yeah, and was able to communicate it to the
Austrians inside being besieged through that form of communication. Basically, yeah, just
like they're coming from they know you're sent a carrier pigeon. I don't know,
but yeah he did. He did that and got intel basically through torchlight
somehow. And so the night of the battle, Smith used to string cloth
and powder to create the illusion of two thousand matchlock muskets firing to the west
of Limbock. He made two thousand ghost soldiers. He was the magician.
Yeah. So like it's like the story of when they inflate the tanks and
stuff on on D Day, Yeah, yeah, before yeah, yeah,
um, I'm blanking on what that was called yah and something, but uh,
Dumbo dropped appreciate they dropped an elephant. It was a nuts man um.
Yeah, he just created like a fake two thousand soldierrys. Yeah,
he created fake two thousand soldiers. And so like all the Turks are like,
shit, they're coming from the west, what the fuck? And so
they move everything over to defend the west side of town, and of course
they attacked from the east again. So when morning dawned or I'm sorry,
the eastern side of the town was relatively defense defenseless, and the Austrians moved
him basically conquered the whole thing. The Turkish Man commander realized he'd been defeated
kind of like without a shot, yeah too, like not I don't know
with that, without without a shot, but like he basically like beat him
at chess, yeah right, Like he out outmaneuvered, outmaneuvered the Turks so
badly they knew to just give up, right, Yeah, they were like,
there's we could try, but it's really stupid. So they got out
of there. Fucking wild that even that is like not only do we not
know that ever learned that about John Smith, but like that's like the tenth
most impressive thing he did in his life. Oh yeah, it's not even
that, it's it's a blitz. You're just like, oh, he was
some British guy that went to America. Yeah, you really don't. Like
a lot of people's knowledge of John Smith starts at Jamestown like halfway through rooms
and ends with just pocahonas yea literally much Yeah. So, um, he
was promoted the captain and he was put in charge of a company of two
hundred and fifty men on horseback, which is incredible, Like it's yeah,
that would be like beat any soldier on horseback even at that time. Still
is uh, that's like expensive and like elite troops. That's like I mean,
fuck, dude, Yeah, two hundred and fifty horses, Like yeah,
that's not two hundred and fifty men at arms or archers or musketeers or
whatever. I mean that. Yeah, you got a fucking wrecking crew.
You're gonna do some work. And so I want to say, when um
Cortez went to America, I want to look this up real quick, for
he had like four hundred conquistadors under his command, had no ships after so
because he burned. Then that's always a bad move. When you go to
foreign countries by ship, you should never burn the ship probably never burned down.
Your only means don't burn don't burn down the angel boat. No.
Yeah, he was set on a goal, and yet you just gotta get
another option. Get the gold, You get the gold. Was he looking
for the Fountain of Youth too, Cortez? Now that was um, that
was puns Daly. Yeah, yeah, I should know that. It's in
Florida, right, Saint Augustine. There you go. So was the original
Thanksgiving? I'm sorry. Cortez only had eighty four horsemen, but he had
about nine hundred, like total soldiers. That's a lot. Were they headless?
No, what you're just getting all your early American ship mixed up here.
There was never headless? Yeah yeah, okay. So in another battle
deliberate Alba Regalis, the ancient Garian capital, he assembled what he called fiery
dragons. And this is so fucking ridiculous. Basically, this, dude,
this is my favorite line from Oh yeah, I got the line too.
Don't worry he uh he invented bombs, dan or grenades. No, he
didn't invent they were pretty big I thought, weren't they or how big were
they? I'm pretty sure that she is invented like what we would consider it,
I guess. Okay, So what they were the fiery dragons. That's
probably why he called them fiery dragons. Yeah. They were round earthen pots
filled with gunpowder, covered with pitch, brimstone and turpentine, and then coated
with musket bullets. So it was a like a s it was shrapnel like
it was a it's like a big grenade, yeah, or like uh,
like a pipe bomb, stuff with nails like an ied Yeah thing. This
isn't like the only time he uses it too. We'll get to it.
But he uh he kind of self sabotages himself with some gun gunpowder while helping
him a lot hurt them later. Yeah, so he encased those in an
oil qua and the pots were set on fire and then flung into Tursian Tursian
Turkish line. Yeah, he just he was like cocktails. Yeah, they
were like, well no, because moltop cocktails is just fire. It's like
a molotop cocktail where you figure out a way for the cocktail to like the
sheets through your body. Yeah, it's yeah, it's way worse um.
Recounting the sights of the fiery dragons, Smith said this, it was fearful.
It was a fearful sight to be se the short, flaming course of
their flight in the air, but presently after their fall, the lamentable noise
of the miserable slaughtered Turks was the most most wonderful to hear. Yeah,
he was like, oh man, they looked fucking scary in the sky,
but once they hit and you heard those Turks screaming fucked Yeah, it's like,
good God, God, it was tight. I just like to think
of him and be like, oh God, please work, Oh God,
please work. Yeah, like, yeah, that's like the equivalent of today,
like on Twitter someone being like, inject that straight into my veins,
you know what I mean basically that, Yeah, he really likes killing Turkish
people in the most greesome way possible. Well, because I mean I would
assume, honestly, like there was no nothing was on your if you're the
person in that a Christian at that time, there's nothing on your conscience when
you kill a Turk. Oh No, I mean right, like killing like
you cannot you cannot look at this through the scope of modernity. Modern entity
whatever. However you say that, yeah, yeah, that would be like
you're in war, like who cares obviously hates Turks. He learned that from
his father's father hitted Turks, right, No, I mean it's but it's
like there's there's bloody conquest happening every day in Europe and like Turks or violent
they're fighting Austrians who were more. But the other thing two is that Turks.
This is I'm kind of reaching here, but I think this is broadly
accurate. Like there's just in general less repercussion for doing something to the Ottomans
the Turks. Then there would be it went for doing certain things when he
was like a mercenary in rants fighting against the French people, or a mercenary
with on the side of the Dutch fighting against the Spanish. Like way,
less repercussions. I mean, think of it because they're ones Anglo ones not.
Yeah, they kind of saw them as subhuman. Yeah, I'm sure
they did. I mean well and well and even beyond that, they're just
not a part of your society, like your community, right, there's solder
community, They're they're very foreign. So yeah, I mean there's just less
because like many problems as the English and French had that there's a lot of
commonalities. Yeah, I mean, all they committed atrocity atrocities against each other
for sure, but yeah, they're commonalities. And they were both broadly the
same religion and all that stuff, whereas like with the Turks, it's just
like there's nothing nothing in common. Oh yeah, no, you got like
Islam, you got like whole different types of just like the culture, way
different rest and architecture. It's completely foreign to you pretty much from a different
continent. Yeah, I mean it's it's right when you're getting into like the
transition between Europe and Asia. So of course. Yeah. Anyway, the
bombardment helped break the siege and allow the Austrians to take the city after a
few bloody days of house to house fighting. Yeah. Man, once you
start peppering people with pellets, once you just start ripping their bodies apart with
bombs, yeah, it usually helps you win the fight. I mean,
they still have to fight quite a bit afterward. But what is I was
seeing about this too when I was reading that, what the fuck is house
to house fighting? Like in sixteen o four or whatever? The fuck?
Well, the Turks had probably come at you with those like curvy swords and
you're just throwing a bomb at him. I get yet, like your a
flintlock musket that takes like three minutes three load. Yeah, so you like
the one, you're either getting them with your gun or your bomb, or
they're beheading you, like with one swift emotion. Yes, is, by
the way, about one hundred years before the bayonet was really invented. Shit
really, Yeah, they didn't really have so you like a side knife and
the side knife type there's or a sword on your like I know, like
Spanish conquis doors. That's I don't have no ed, did it. They
would have, yeah, like a sword on the on their side, on
their hip as well as the They must have had some sort of side piece
other than the musket, otherwise you're fucked after that. Yeah, yeah,
they didn't just have the Okay, I mean the musket still acts. It's
like a club or something. But sure you turn around and but how do
you load it while you're clubbing someone with it? You don't? Yeah,
if you could figure that out, they did eventually. Yeah, it's a
gun for one shot. It's a club like house that's just gotta be like
brutally stabby, just gotta be the worst. Oh yeah, definitely. I
think I'd rather do Stalingrad or something like well, James and Jone. I
always want to call it Jones. Sound Jamestown gets a little stalingradty, Yeah
kind of, so to Jonestown Jones sound. Well they got the bodies.
Yeah. After that battle, you sent to trans Transylvania. And this is
where he went from just a common farmer to John Smith the gentleman. Yeah,
this is where he became not a knight necessarily, but he gets a
title more or less. He's yeah, you know, he becomes titled after
that. Yeah. So during the siege of Albaalualiyah, it's just all towns
you guys have heard of. Yeah, I'm just saying it. Yeah,
yeah, waged to oust the Turks from what country city? Um, it's
probably more pertinent to our audience. Shit, I don't know. Yeah whatever,
Oh it Transylvania, Okay, it's it's such a real place, Transylvania.
It's not just where vampires come from. I know, he gets honored
by like the King of Transylvania, the Prince Vampire royalty. Yeah, but
blood of the Dragon is it's still places. Not right, Yeah, Translvannia
is very much a country where it's not a country, it's a part of
a country. Oh wait, it's definitely not a country. It's not a
country anymore. No, it's in romaniah it does so. Um. While
he was trying to oust the Turks from the capital city of Transylvania, Smith
engaged in three duels, each ending with the beheading of his opponent. My
favorite part about these dudes where I don't know if you're getting this or not.
I'm gonna go over each duel. Okay, the best part is that
they happened because the Turks were bored. Yeah, so the the episode again
when a Turkish captain bored with the monotony of the siege, which I mean
we know now from Game of Thrones sieges were pretty fucking boring. Like he
just didn't sit upside trenches and wait until they starved. They just keep sending
out champions and then John just kept beheading It's like water, yes, yes,
one head, two head three basically yeah. The captain challenged the Christian
officers to combates with him for his head. Lots were drawn in the honor
to fight fella John Smith. Uh, Smith killed Hold on twenty one.
Yeah, he's at this point maybe twenty three. Yeah. If how do
you feel if you're the third Turk going out seeing the first to be head,
Well, I will tell you how the third Turk feels. So no.
But the best part is this first guy walked out, the guy,
the board captain, the board Turkish captain who was like, yeah, let's
do this, came out out just completely swagged as fuck. Yeah, dressed
like a warrior guy. Did he caressed himself before the fight? What do
you mean? Like he just he deontay wildered it where he came out and
wore all this ship on him. Yes, so it was it was like
fifty pounds of gear and he hired himself out. Happened some of the way
the um ornamentation on his armor, I guess was described he had like angel
wings and sings. So he just went all out with like the presentation and
suffered because Smith killed him on the first pass, killed him in one one
blow. Yeah. Yeah, so he didn't have his legs, like,
he didn't have his legs Tyson Fury fight. It was essentially like I mean,
he didn't use a gun but it was like that Indiana Jones scene.
That's where this dude comes out and it's all like yeah, and then Smith's
just like but instead of pow, it's just like instead gets his head.
Yeah. So, upset by the loss of his captain, another Turk challenged
Smith. The bout began with an exchange of blows and ended with pistol shots.
Smith took a round in the breastplate, but Turkish opponents suffered a dehabilitating
blow to his arm, eventually collapsing. But then the final duel on hold
on, he doesn't have to talk about this for a second. Smith get
shot. Oh yeah, gets gets shot. And so I guess in the
breastplate it's not that bad if you have real armor. Yeah. So,
but I mean, I've heard getting shot in kevlar hurts a lot, apparently
not as bed as getting killed. I mean, but what I'm saying is
he took a hard blow. Yeah, it's It's definitely not a great place
to get shot. You know what the problem is though, what sucks for
these guys is he won the first one so fast that it's like he expended
no energy, you know, fresh, he was still fresh. He was
fresh legs. But this second one I think lasted a while, right,
I mean if they had to eventually revert to pistols. Yeah, it eventually
came down to pistols. I imagine it last. So I think it long
where they had to just be like all right, okay, which is we're
good at ye back to back blowed. Yeah, Oh my god. No.
I don't think he was that tired though, because the final duel occurred
when Smith after killing that second guy. So that's what this is why they
also though, so what happened, Like the guy was like shot in the
arm and was just like bleeding out, and Smith was like all right and
like cut his head off. I believe they didn't really go into that much
detail with that part, but I believe it's just yeah, you can't you
could get to a point where you were on top of him and you kill
him. So so I that's the other thing I don't know is is if
what I was curious about is if you cut the head off after after all
three duels or is it like each one he's like, okay, hold on,
you want to Yeah, we'll hold on, Okay, anybody I gotta
get I gotta get you know the rules. I gotta get this head off.
Come on, man, have some getting your angry. Yeah it's your
captain. I know he was bored. The swords and knives are just super
dull at this point. Yeah yeah, yeah, it's not like it's not
cutting there. You gotta bring out a wet stone. Turn it back up
a little bit. Cut the head of stable ball. I bring my wet
stone. Yeah. So, um, the finals occurred when Smith gave the
Turks a chance to deem their honor. He's like, you want a third
shot, bitch, Come on, pussies. Yeah, it's like, you
guys suck at this. You want to redeem yourselves, Come on and kill
me. I think at this point, do you have any specs on how
like how big John Smiths was? Um? I did not look that up.
We should look that, okay? Was he like? Was he a
burly man? I mean I imagine he's like pretty fit. If he's been
fighting mercenary and pirate ship for a while and he's one million percent fit,
there is no doubt. I just want to know what kind of height advantage
he has over the Turks. Yeah, I mean I don't know if Turks
had taller soldiers or anything that's English, though they're relatively shorter. They're shorter.
Yeah, so the I can't find anything. Yeah, it's hard to
find heights. It's hard to find the roster lineup for John Smith. So
you know, it's like the draft where they just kind of bump him up
a few inches. Yeah, he's wearing cleats when they measured him, getting
the wrong John Smith theory there. I have nothing on this, but he's
there's unquestionably like he's in good ship. Yeah. Yeah, So the third
contest was settled by the use of battle axes. I'm guessing that's how the
third beheading happened. Well, if he didn't do them one at a time,
I assume the ax might have been used for all three. Right,
Yeah, but dude, how do you even you get shot and then you
go into a battle axe tool? And also I feel like the battle axe
had to be the other guy's choice, right, So what I was gonna
say was is that at this point I think Smith was in full on,
like berserker blood lust mode. Yeah, he's killing you. Gotta remember from
the time he was like seventeen or eighteen, he wanted to kill turks really
bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so he's into this. Yeah no,
at this point he was just like the No. One album. Yeah
no, it's like, yeah, come on. Shot in the chest was
actually just that adrenaline he needed. Yeah. Yeah, like no, I
think he's fully at this point, just like he wants it. Yeah,
like they gave the first like someone landed a punch on Tyson and he murders
his face in. He just like hulks up. Yeah, he's holding out.
He's just yeah going bananas. I mean this is like cocaine to him,
Like he's oh yeah killing turk blood. Yeah, blood drinking it.
Yeah, it's like a tiger blood, but turk blood way better. Yeah.
Um. So Smith brings the three heads for the commanding Turkish general,
each head mounted on a lance. He was embraced by the general and giving
a hug. He was like, yeah, here's your here's your captain's dude,
and the guy was like you you are incredible, my god, you
are a warrior. Let me which is insane, come on, let me
just hug you. No, that's just respect. No, it's like you're
a good fighter. Fuck. Yeah. So you know what's funny is that
people bitch today about like uh say, like NBA players all being friends with
each other and like all being like at a boy baby a boy n's dunt
NiFe dunk or whatever, and like guys cutting off heads and other guys,
Hey, here's your lower rates heads. Yeah. No, I mean it's
like what job hell UFC fight? Now? Where got two guys go to
war that hate each other. By the end of the fight they end up
like hugging dude. But people get pissed off about that. People are like,
no, I want him get all the time. Others it's not real
to me. Those punches weren't good enough. There's nothing you're on the edge
of death or at this point for this like situation just way past the edge
of death. Yeah, I think there's just a respect that has gained.
Yeah. I think they're all just psychos mostly. I think there's nothing realer
than three heads on in a presentation, like there's three heads of your lower
ranks. It's like, well, what do you want him to say?
Like, oh no, it's like word damn. Also, another funny thing
about this is like how did he go about finding the general? Like all
right, I'll bring out your general because I want to show him what I
did. Maybe he's up the top. Yeah. General's like, oh shit,
why good, he's good fucking guy. Bring him over here. You
a mercenary, you want to fight for us? I think that's a common
theme though throughout history because you just have all these like Hannibal Ragnar if he
ever like really existed, but like all these people just have mutual respect for
each other once they like just have a certain amount of bodies under their fucking
kill count. Yeah, they're the only ones who understand each other. Right,
It's like, well, yeah, the misery of war or I guess
for John Smith, the fucking pure boner inducing blood lust of war, the
sheer high of war. Yes. So also the general gives him a horse
and a jewel encrusted scimitar, which is the curvy sword. Curvy sword.
No, he gave him a sword covered in jewels, yeah, hot,
a hot jewel puffer. No, he gave him a jewel encrusted curvy sword.
Hell. Yeah, He's like, this is fucking dope. You deserve
my god. You're good at killing my men. Would you like a pretty
help? Yeah? You need fancy weapon. Here's a horse too. This
day, so he cutting heads off with a coat hanger over there. Let
me give you a good one. Yeah. So apparently, um, the
biggest honor to him though, was the Prince of Transylvania. After all,
this gives down Grant Smith the right to wear three Turkish heads on his shield
and bestows on him the title of English Gentlemen. Yeah so vampire royalty.
Yeah so the and I think the significance here is that he has the right
to wear a sigil on his shield, and that's John smith sigil. If
you go and look at the picture is three heads. So he has three
heads on his shield. That's his thing. That's like his family sigil.
Oh yeah, it's his family sigil. And not only that, Um,
it's like the fucking Bolton's from him. Not there. There is a church
in England where he's from or buried or something I can't remember, that has
a stained glass window dedicated to him with his crest. So this is a
church that has three decapitated Turkish heads on its stained glass on a stained glass
window. History is so fucking weird, dude. This is why I like
read shit like that, and then I see people in general. I always
like to get philosophical. You guys know me at this point, I see
people in general be like like what we can try now, what like what
we complained about now compared toive like, well we can play about now.
But also like people like making up all these like crazy things that like run
like even if you just want to go like like the Illuminati or like Qann,
It's like the world is already bananas. Like if you are not already
looking at the world like it's crazy in a lot of ways and you need
to invent new things to make it seem crazy, you're not attention. I
think they make new things to make sense of it. Yeah, but I
mean also the history of our world is pretty much just war. It's chas,
it's chaos until maybe it's chased. The fucking and the lake rep said,
I mean there's insanity to it. And it's like, think about how
insane it is that some dude be heading some people in Austria and Transylvania or
in Transylvania rather leads to a sting glass window in a church in England with
three heads on it. Yeah, like the crest on it. Yeah,
that's that's not planned. There's no grand world order there. It is fucking
nuts. Let's people do weird shit. Yeah. Oh, by the way,
so that Transylvanian prince, I think would have been like if it's the
same line, if the line hadn't been broken, would be This is like
one hundred and thirty years after Vladim Paler Tracula. Yeah so great, great,
yeah, great, great, Yeah, grandfather, he's blood of the
dragon Dracula. Yeah yeah, yeah, that's because Dracula vlood Dracula, I
believe, just means dragon king. Okay, yeah, or Dracula means dragon
I didn't know. Yeah, so um later on down the line, he
oh my god, no, it's not so get this. All of that
shit happened in one year. Yeah, all of that shit I just talked
about from the gunpowder matchlock shit on the Eastern Um, whatever, there's no
time to waste, no, all in one year, he headed three people,
he started doing fiery dragons, and he started doing ghost armies and ship
That all happened in Wait, so he doesn't get injured by the Tartars until
sixteen o two. Well, that's not really that important to that part of
the story. Yeah. So that's like almost a year. So we're not
even in the sixteen No, we are in sixteen o two, right now,
Okay, so all that time he's twenty one. Yeah, insane,
But dude, my story is from twenty one. Are like, yeah,
I fucking took three shots to ever clear that night, man, fucking three
three heads. It's like I took three Turkish heads? How do you make
that? War always stays the same. So in sixteen o two, in
November sixteen o two, he got wounded in a battle with the Tartars and
different Muslim group. Yeah yeah, the Tartars. Yeah, uh yeah,
he needs some Tartar control with his crest. Anyway, he alerted by his
groans. Scavengers stripped the corpses rest skewed or scrip the strip the corpses from
the battle, and they were like, wait a minute, what's that growing
guy? And they pulled Smith from the heaps of dead people like he was
just buried under like hell of dead bodies. Yeah, basically falling out.
Yeah, They're like, oh, this guy's alive. So they like heal
his wounds and they're like, hey, this guy would be a really dope
slave. Yeah, this guy, this guy would be good to sell at
the slave market. When I feel like when they even when they found him,
they were just like, hey, here's got some property here. It's
like keep this one. I found the property, Get you get him,
I'll get the saddle. Yeah right, so um As Smith describes being sold
at the slave market, we all sold for slaves like beasts in a marketplace
where every merchant, viewing their limbs and wounds, caused other slaves to struggle
with them to try their strength. So these guys all beat up words,
Dudelet so we do have records though, John he could. He was writing
a bunch of stuff down right throughout his Yeah, he has a whole recounting
stuff like he was carrying a diary, right. Yeah, he wrote a
memoir later a couple Yeah. So just to recount here real quick, I
feel like we should re summarize this man's life. Okay, So yeah,
sixteen, he quits his job as a merchant apprentice. Yeah. Between sixteen
and twenty twenty one, he is in three wars. Annie is a pirate.
He's torn a very successful pirate. Yeah, very successful pirate makes him
rich. That was a short time of that period, but also takes a
leap year in Italy. He also does that France. I think at some
point. Yeah. Yeah, it takes a gap year in Italy and France.
Yeah, he does, like before setting becoming a pirate, He's in
France for a little bit. Um. He gets tired of doing nothing in
Italy being a rich young person, so he goes to Austria to fight in
an Australian battle division. Yeah, to fight Turks because he hates Turks.
And in that one year from sixteen o one to sixteen o two, he
wins two siege battles brilliantly, Yeah, brilliantly, and also decapitates three one
high ranking Turkish military official, as well as two others that are fighting for
his defense. He gets embraced by the general of the Turkish Army, gets
gifted to the sword and a horse, and earns a title as a literal,
literally elevates himself an entire class. Yeah, definitely, elevates himself from
farmer to gentlemen. And then this man was not a gentleman a couple months.
A couple months later, he's a slave. Yeah, so then he
becomes a slave. So if you're keeping track, it's warrior the highest of
high it's farmer, it's farmer apprentice, warrior mercenary, pirate, backpacker,
mercenary again, mercenary again, slave play, yeah, he is at this
point in Joe Warrior then fucking slave. Yeah yeah, it's crazy. So
uh yeah, he gets sold in the slave market, and he was purchased
by a Turkish nobleman who thought he would make like a good gift for his
Greek mistress and Constantinople, which sure, why which that one through me because
like, Greeks don't like Turks, so what does a Greek mistress do?
She is Greek, but at that point Constantinople had been Turkish for like a
one hundred fifty years. That's what I'm saying, that Greeks don't like Turks,
and Turks don't like Greeks. So she was Turkish though, really,
I mean like she was. I mean the constant constant Noble just like a
center point of the world at that point. Yeah. Yeah, it's the
most it maybe the most important city in the world that point in constant Noble
had been Turkish or Ottoman or whatever you want to call it for literally almost
exactly one hundred and fifty years at that point. They fell in fourteen fifty
three, So okay, yeah, so, I mean, at this point,
she's just a rich lady living in New York and he sends her yeah,
nice present, which is send her pet. What I want to know
is so she like falls in love with him. Yeah, I want to
know is was he sent to her as just like a fuck boy dildo?
Look at this strong dildo. It kind of sounds like he might have been
sold into slavery but only for sex. So he's a sex slave, but
dildo, he's a living dildo. Yeah. So she becomes infatuated with them,
and she's really scared that her mom is gonna sell him for some reason,
like the mom's just gonna sell him off. Like, ah, she
can't be fucking the slave all day. Yeah. Yeah, so she hit
him under her bed and actually in the nightstand. Yeah yeah, he would
buzz and she would shut up. Yeah damn it. Yeah, but she
was sent but but oh sorry, uh you guys playing footsie. No,
I'm fucking with chords. So she was. I thought blasting your jewel into
the mic would have done it enough. No, absolutely not. So she
sent Smith to her brother. Her brother was the administrator of an Ottoman fief
on the Black Sea. Yeah, these rich people being rich. Yeah,
right, of course. And she thought he could be trained into a bureaucrat
that could eventually be married one day, like she could actually marry John Smith
because yeah title, well no, but not a not a not an Islamic
Turkish title. Yeah, apparently a lot of converts in like the Ottoman Empire.
If you convert from Christianity to Islam, you can work your way get
a solid job. You can get a solid job in administration in the government.
Yeah, you could be a real show his jewel sword that he got,
like I did cut off? Call up general, what's fun? You
know. I don't think he was allowed to keep it. He should have.
Why didn't he? They must have taken it off him. Know,
I would say, be like, go like, call for this Turkish general.
It is my boy. He'll say, he'll vouch for me. Yeah,
let me fight for that, dude. I don't give a shit.
And then I'll affect Austria or something. I don't know. Uh So,
you know, she sends him off to her brother to like train him up
to be like a good bureaucrat guy and teach him all the Islam stuff.
There was there's like, uh no, I'm gonna make him the slave of
all the Christian slaves. Fuck this guy. He was a fuck boy.
He was a slave. He was the slave of a slave. So now
he's gone from slave to gildo, slave to slave slave slave slave. Yeah,
apparently, And if you're a roller coaster, people are like, man,
my twenty twenty has been so bad. Sixteen o two was a nightmare.
Yeah, because imagine going from like, I don't know, you just
hit like the stock market boom in the late eighties or whatever or early eighties
whenever that was. And his sixteen o two was cocaine. Yeah, well
sixteen o one, his sixteen oh two was crack. Yeah, sixteen oh
one was cocaine. Sixteen o two was cracked for him. So he's the
slave to all these Christian slaves. He's a slave's slave. He's the most
non nourished, the most abused. He's your favorite slaves favorite slave. Yeah,
he's a real slave slave. Yeah. So he begins looking for opportunities
to escape. One day, the brother out inspecting the work alone. The
same guy. Was it the same guy, the brother? Oh it was
that guy, the head of the fief. Yeah, okay, the brother
is fucking hated John Smith. Yeah, this guy was like had it out
for him. Yeah. So he's out inspecting the work alone like an idiot.
He comes across Smith, He's like, huh, I'm gonna beat you.
Yeah, I'm gonna beat the shit this guy did he did he have
any idea, no background research? Yeah, no, no one knew.
I guess what they had as the slave slave, I'm nothing. No,
it's fine. It's just like it's like walking out into a field and I
don't I don't even know you, like find like Tom Brady out there and
you're like, I'm challenging this piece of shit to a throwing contest, right,
be a good idea, now, But this is Dan trying to tell
you he thinks he can outthrow tons today. No h So Smith snaps when
this guy's beating him in a moment that he describes his forgetting all reason,
which is so not true. He was itching for this, Oh yeah he
wanted it, So so what does that even mean? I was like,
I forgot I was a slave, and I just beat his brain. She
should have been a better slave, Yeah, I should have really not bashed
his brain in with a fucking threshing man. It wasn't measured enough. Yeah,
he was threshing wheat, and so when the guy started beating him,
he just bashed his skull in with the threshing bat. Yeah. Which,
Yeah, he tried to beat a guy with a threshing bat, which says
the thing, the guy's got a bat, what do you hey, put
down the bat. I'm gonna beat the shit out of here. It's like
who else he got around here? No one just me. Yeah, it's
just me for like two thousand feet, no one can see me. Put
that bat down. Yeah, I want to get it. So yeah,
Smith promptly killed him. Was probably like I'm gonna fuck this pussy up because
this other guy was for sure not a soldier and he was just like he's
just a rich guy. He's a rich guy, and he was like to
get you. Smith was just like, fuck, all right, come on,
let's go. Yeah. So Smith, after killing a guy, hit
the body under some straw and then threw the dude's clothes on and stole his
horse and then rode off into the desert. And then I guess it would
be like a year before he gets back to England. In sixteen oh four,
Yeah, he he went back to uh the vampire guy for I think,
yeah he did and was like, hey, it's me um, I
you know, but got made a slave, you know how it is,
and uh and and like he was like, Okay, I'll hope you get
back to England or thing. It's yeah, it's not that much important detail.
He just gets back. So when he returns to England, like,
colonizations starting to be the real hot topic, and this is kind of yeah,
they're not. Just so at this point, it's literally been a century
since the Americas were discovered, right, but there hadn't really been any English
colony, serious English colonies, right, And the reason for that is that
England wasn't a total monarchy at the time. So they couldn't just well,
I'm the king, we're gonna colonize now. They had to I don't know
if it was through the Court of Nobles or if there was some sort of
decision. We definitely know the House of Lords was the more powerful. Yeah,
so Chamber at the time or whatever you want to call it, or
the House of Lords, right, so they couldn't just be like, well,
i'm the king, We're gonna colonize some ship front the money. Let's
go. Spain could do that. They were a total monarchy, and Portugal
and Portugal France also could. They were pretty absolute. But I think that
unlike I mean France, Portugal and Spain, I think we're pretty much just
kind of like in the early phases of like just strip mining basically, you
know, like they were just sending people out. France actually developed a really
good network of trade. I think it was more than the Spanish and Portuguese
that were just like sending people over and take the resources basically fun the people
to France. France was pretty tight with the with the natives. Yeah.
Yeah, gotta forget where I read this, but there was something to um
just to kind of pre preface this. I don't know where to insert this,
but there was also just like a very whitewashing of talking about indigenous people
at the time too. They were like, I know, England was very
concerned about the Spaniards catholicizing, like converting everyone to Catholicism over there, and
they're like, oh god, we gotta get these people to be more Protestant.
So well, the last thing you want another hundred million people against you,
right, Yeah, so many fucking people are where you know, so
Spain's like obviously building all these connections. It's like, well, shit,
they're really powerful already. Well and the other thing too, is just Catholic.
Even if they don't get more people, it's more Catholic land and wealth
than resources. It's just more powerful the pope. Yeah, baby, let's
go. So we took the NBA today. We did shouts, man,
I mean, Pope Frances is out here like in a former TFM girls photos.
So it was this hue form TFM girl. Yeah that was you know
what. He was a bouncer in Argentina, not Agata or whatever. Natalie
she used to take over our snapchat. I heard that was fake. No,
there are so many worse things he could have liked. So yeah,
he's an ass man. He's from Argentina. Yeah, he likes the juicy
ladies. I thought I heard it was fake, but I don't care.
Yeah, you know what what the Pope like an ass on Instagram? Yeah
whatever? Lease, he didn't like like a young Hilly Joel Osman's picture.
So the hot ass, this cool cool boat man he looks ask photos.
Yeah, he just liked the trunk whatever. Anyway, So um Smith is
like, yo, you guys are doing colonization. That's sick. That's another
adventure. I want to be a colonist. Guy's literally at this point he's
like, I was a slave for so long. I think he also might
have, I believe it or not becoming a slave, it becomes a real
hit to your wealth. Yeah, it turns out think, yeah, well
I think I don't think he had anything left. No, he did,
because he was he was. What happens all your wealth? There's is there
a bank system back then? Do you know? I was actually thinking that
as I was reading this, I was like, I'm such a pussy that
I was like, oh, boy, I hope before he went to Austria
to fight those Turks he put whatever Goldie had left from pirrating in like a
Venetian bank or something like, Oh, come on, Like you can't just
hope. I don't think you can trust not being near the bank at that
time, because like you couldn't joy in Italy you could those banks were fucking
oh really yeah tight? Yeah man? Yeah really yeah they were. They
were fucking serious. Damn. It wasn't just like oh you forgot your money,
Oh no, you don't have any money. I don't know who you
are you gonna go and get out that get out. So they were like,
I really want to bring my Italian acts and every week now. But
they were like the Brasos of Yeah, we'll always just default a game of
throne. Yeah, that's how I understand the fifteen hundreds. Yeah I believe
that actually was based on met Us. Yeah it sounds like it because if
you look at the city and stuff, it does look somewhat but y know,
I think it's like a port city. Yeah. Yeah. Um.
Anyway, so he's like, yeah, I want to go colonizing, Like,
let's talk to the dudes that are doing it, and they're like,
you're a fucking farmer, bro, we don't care what the Prince of transport.
Yeah, some vampire made you not a farmer. Okay, last night,
you have to meet us at noon to tell us that. Oh weight
he can't because he's a fucking vampire. Yeah he's in Transylvania. I heard
you were a slave. You're a fucking farmer, dude. You're lucky if
you don't have you in chains. And so he, being the cunning little
guy is, he decides to make friends with all the people that are actually
gonna be charting the expedition, right, So he makes friends with the people
that are doing all the navigation. The ship captains, probably a fun guy
to drink with, great stories. Oh my god, this guy's stories for
days. Like I would drink with him right now. If he's like going
into an interview and somebody sees that you were like a CEO of a company,
and then he went down to intern it's like, what happened? He
went to prison for the prison but not but not for a white collar crime,
not like murder. And then it's like in another country too. Yeah,
it's like, CEO, I was just arrested for murder in Thailand.
I was in this uh, I was in this Turkish prison for a while.
Yeah, it was really midnight expressing it, you know how it goes.
Hey, that's on the movie list for anyone one bunch of the movies
that we talk about. Yeah. Um so anyway, Yeah, so eventually
he makes good enough friends, and of course England cannot do just like whatever
colonization it wants, so the Virginia Company is formed. They were more again
talking about my ass, but they were way more. I think not,
I think I'm almost positive just way more privatized. Yeah, it was a
privatized They outsourced the privatized industry, so people would have to gather funds together.
A lot of rich people put funds together, organized the trip, and
they'd apply for a charter, Yeah, to go over to North America,
specifically the East coast that was being you know, it was it was,
it was more I would say, just this is more more of a private
enterprise than the Spanish or Portuguese like a travel agency. Yeah. No,
no, it's like a business. It's like I don't know, it's not
quite like Elon Musk going to Mars, but businesses were made in order to
travel to places too, because basically, think about it like this, like
this is essentially a tech startup, if you will. Like, yeah,
they get a bunch of money together and they have a board that oversees the
company, and they contract out people to go over to these places and strip
resources and get money from those places. So it's an investment to put money
into these expeditions to other places because they're hoping to have more in return to
come back, and they'll also generate more wealth from an stat like a plantation
there establishment there. Yeah, um so Smith actually does have a little bit
of money now I think about it, because he was able to put down
some money for this too, and by making funds with everybody, probably he
did put that goal away somewhere, probably under a tree. Dug it back
up? Yeah, yeah, or he pond is jeweled sword that long.
Yeah, I wish that was in a museum somewhere. See it. Would
you buy John Smith sword? No? If I was like Nick Cage,
yeah, put it up in the Lollary mansion. Yeah, above the fucking
fireplace. Just have a bunch of Turkish and I just buy he buy the
three heads, yeah, skulls. Yeah, these are the three heads that
were cut off. Three skulls. Anyway, so he gets picked to go
on He gets chosen to go on one of the three ships to Virginia.
And this is where we start getting into the Jamestown story finally. Yeah,
the almost sort of Thanksgiving the part of this story. Yeah, so I
like what we're like an hour or something, doesn't matter, James. People
are driving way, it's right now. Somebody's listening in their car. It's
Wednesday. They're about to go to the bar. Yeah, when they get
home, Well, it depends what state you're in, so you Thinksgiving is
gonna have to I'm taking a mental break from before I dive into Jamestown real
quick and discussing this with you since Rob's up anyway. Yeah, Rob,
you gratie can't see But yeah, for the people listening in their car to
the audio form of this, yeah, I'm sure that you know they're driving
a few hours home. This has got to be the worst time ever to
go home for Thanksgiving. Like, you can't go out and see people if
you can't see me, can't see Mema. You're not a liability. Yeah,
you're a liability to Mema as well. I mean in Florida, Texas
if you're coming back here it's Wednesday night before thanks Giving. Texas isn't doing
that bad on the map from what I saw, except for in West Texas.
Yeah, i'll pass. It's not doing too hot. Yeah, our
areas are Actually we're okay. Travis County is doing right. Yeah. Regardless,
you're going to see that girl from the high school that passed you up
and you're gonna give her COVID. Yeah, you're gonna give her the worst.
Yea, we've talked about this, how COVID is the new STD.
Yeah, asshole, Brandon gave me COVID. Then we're a face condom.
Yeah. Anyway, So, speaking of long trips home or anywhere, they
set sail and this boat trip that was supposed to take about a month to
get over to Virginia takes five because the weather is really bad, so really
only a month usually swea. Yeah, if according to plan it was always
gonna to take about a month, a month and a half, it ends
up taking five. Along the way, there is some sort of skirmish with
John Smith and like no one's for sure what happened, doesn't Yeah, no
one says it doesn't really Yeah, just they claim he did a mutiny.
Did just Alpha's being Alpha? Yeah, I think that's that's that's my I
agree with that. I agree with that theory. So one of the theories
too, Alpha's bashing heads. HOLI turkyads. You cut off Bro, you
could Anne, that's what thought. Bro probably disrespected him, didn't know anything
about John Smith. John was just kind of laying back and then he's just
like all right, push comes a shove. So I wreck heads. I
wreck heads also be off Yes, bash one in bash one him with a
threshing bat, so it was a fief. They probably thought he was a
liar. Let's be real, he would have your goddamn Turkish story. You
didn't cut off shit. Wre's the jeweled dagger, bro like or the jewel
Yeah, yeah, you got a jewel dagger from a Turk. Where is
it that? Oh you were slowing, that's fucking convenient. You're you got
hugged by a Turkish general for killing his men and putting him on pikes.
Yeah, but you became a slave. Oh yeah, I heard that one
before. And then you batched the guy's head in and you were just kind
of a broke dude in England. Yeah, no way to no way to
prove it. Yeah, so and this is all jumbled. I'm sorry I
didn't write this all down. I'm going from memory here at this spoint a
month. So he did. Actually he did have a little way way to
prove it, because he did get proof I think second time around from the
Transylvania guy. Yeah, the vampire prints. I don't I didn't honestly get
the Parne writing. Now. Either way, he comes, you know the
most of it. They're like, whatever, dude, what so he almost
comes the blows with the captain, one of the higher ranking people in the
ship, one of the gentlemen. The nobleman on the ship wanted, like,
you know, respect from the ranks of people like John Smith. And
John Smith's like, fuck, you have cut off heads and like you got.
It's like this guy doesn't work. That's talking shit to him too,
Like let's be real, the gentleman in the nobles at this time, don't
do manual labor. You don't work. It's like an officer talking down to
an infantryman. It's been like like a new officer, like just from officer,
just got out of West Point and he's like you remember, and they
do this other dude, it's like kill don like seven tours in Iraq.
Yeah, And he's like, man, I should frag you for that.
Um so yeah, and before I start so they put him in chains.
They're like, this guy's combative and he's a dick. We're gonna put John
Smith in chains. Before they set sale. Though, the Virginia Company had
a strict set of rules for the colony as well as a list of people
who would be on high council for leadership, and it was all completely it
was a sealed box. Open it beforehand, you couldn't open it before Christmas.
And it was to make sure that in fighting didn't happen within the groups.
Well, that people weren't pissed about like who got to be governor before
you actually got there? Yeah, high council and all that. So it
should be an open ocean. Gotta be an awkward ride. Yeah. Also,
does that mean there's a set of command on the ocean and then a
new set of command on the land. Well, it's the implication, right,
there's right. I think it's implied that, like, you know,
if you're not noble or you're gonna be listening to them, but no one's
for sure who's going to be the leader out of those noble men and things
like that, And so they throw John Smith and everybody. Yeah, hey
be friendly basically right, Yeah, so you know they're low on food,
they're all pistol. It's an episode of Undercover Boss basically. Yeah, in
a weird way, you know, I did, I do'tell I paid for
an episode of that. No, I did, like right after college they
shot who to this episode? No, they shouting in Saint Louis and uh
yeah, I paid or an episode of Undercover Boss. What was the meal
or what not meal? What was the businesses? I I don't even remember.
It was in South County, right off of forty four and one forty.
That's that's the only reason that's on the way I know it, um,
But I forget the company. It was some it was like Fortune five
hundred issh like it was pretty big and it was based out of Saint Louis.
But I forgot. I'll have to look it up. Um. But
yeah, P eight do an episode of that. So weird. It was
very fucking weird and random. Anyway, So after like five months to see
they show up to what is now James Town, Virginia and they opened up
the box and Yo, who's the leadership counsel? The man in chains?
The guy in chains, the guy the one nobleman whips again. All right,
if this is gonna be a common theme for this fucking episode, we
go back to Game of Thrones and it's fucking Tyrian. Spoiler alert because that
you shouldn't watch last season. Yeah he's in chains, he's and he makes
the call. Yeah he gets to basically get himself on United Van lines.
I'm sorry, United Van lines, Oh, thanks for the undercover boss story.
So they unchain John Smith. I believe he's the only person not of
like noble descent on the Leadership Council because yeah, he made boys is noble
though he's he is technically he is titled. I don't think title noble.
I don't know, no money. Yeah he's yeah, he's he's new money,
new money. Right, But I'm a grandfather. Grandfather did this,
and we have a console and all this Brooke dude was cut off a couple
of Turkish heads anyone, so um as it turns out a lot of people,
you know. So they get the council started, and they have a
pretty hard time getting things going in Jamestown one Jamestown as dude, So reading
about and I already knew this about Jamestown to an extent, but like rereading
about it and stuff like that, when you think, oh my no,
it sucked to settle it. I don't think they sucked at it. I
don't think anyone could do any better. Because here's the thing about the America's
specifically North America, but I think the America is in general this time.
When you think about a place like Virginia, South or Missouri or anywhere like
that in kind of the middle uh section, Like if you had to if
you had to divide America in in thirds by north to south, you know
what I mean, cut three lines across America. You sort of have that
middle section, like Virginia and especially like the middle Eastern section Atlantic Tennessee,
Misario. You think like, oh, it's you know, what could be
so hard about that? It's mild weather, Like, yeah, there's winter,
but winter doesn't get tear like horrifyingly cold, and summer doesn't get like
horrifyingly hot. There's not like giant bugs or it's not like the jungle or
something like that where there's just all kinds of fucked up shin disease. It's
pretty underdeveloped. Was a swamp, That's the thing though. You think about
it and you're just like, yeah, that's kind of like normal weather.
What could be so hard? Everything? Everything could because before you know,
like Europeans before civilization or Western civilizations showed up. You know, obviously there
was native civilizations who were super culturally and socially developed, but uh, before
any but there wasn't an infrastructure there much more than they're all separate tribes that
they're going on. And it's not just like, oh, well, they
could live there, But it was the fucking Europeans who had the problem.
Something like I want to say, like not that long before the first people
show to the Americas, like in the fourteen fifties or something like that,
some kind of plague wiped out like ninety percent of natives in North America.
It might have been, but I'm not sure, but it was pre it
was pre European, pre European contact, Like they had a pandemic. There
was a pandemic before Europeans even got there that basically like cold the hurt not
thin the herd, like cold damn the Native American population. And by the
time the Europeans got there, it was still just like disease ridden and uninhabitab
fuck not just like you. You. My point is, you think about
that, like naturally immediately when you think about like the Portuguese landing in Brazil,
in the Amazon in Brazil, or the Spanish landing in Central America or
the Caribbean or something like Florida, yeah, or even Florida, you think
about that like you think about being like, oh god, it's gotta be
mosquitoes the size of the fucking hawk, just sucking your blood out and shoving
malaria up your asshole. But then Virginia, you're like, oh, yeah,
there's some pine trees. Yeah, I'm sure it's pretty it's it's pretty
much a wet mess there. Um. I believe the land wasn't necessarily fertile.
Um. They were having a hard time growing crops. They didn't the
wheat stores were very low because the trip took longer, so they were having
a hard time getting food. And yeah they can get in thing. And
so one of the things I wanted to spell real quick for anyone listening before
you get into that, like the first year of Jamestown, like sixty of
the one hundred and five residents died. Yeah, it's really bad. So
I want to say for every stat that I read, it was like more
died than didn't die. Yeah, every time, because it was multiple statistics
that in the stuff you sent us that was provided, it was like,
well, only two hundred of the fucking six hundred survived, or yeah,
forty of the hundred. It was always more die it was, and not
like like drastically more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was like college
basketball three point percentage. Yeah, and so I gotta preface a lot of
things here. So one of the reasons they go to Virginia the first place
is because there's this widespread belief that North America has just an abundance of gold.
Oh yeah, I forgot about the part. Yeah. So they are
like that was like, well, that was the rumors at the time.
In general, there was like gold, like rare metals everywhere. You can
just pick them, pick nuggets off the ground, which from what I read,
was basically propaganda to get dummies to go colonize and give money to colonize,
right, like it was lies that lasted for a few hundred years because
you know the whole move West. Yeah, well they kept they kept rebooting
that one. Yeahs aren't new reboots. People are like, oh man,
they make another Spider Man. No, they they've been rebooting. Everything's made
out of gold century. Yeah. Well it's like, no, this school's
in a mountain, deep in the mountain. And here's the other thing it
would work today. Elon Musk is like Mars nothing but gold. I found
it that gold. No, the gold on Mars. Yeah, NASA is
not The fuckers would go trying to build a fucking telescope in the moon right
now? How many motherfuckers would get in a one way ship. I'd probably
get gold. If there's gold, I'd go, there's a point, did
you use it on? Would be the king of Mars? Asshole? Yeah,
Dan and I are gonna be Kings of Mars with their hobo army.
What are you gonna be doing working on Earth? You know, Earth peasants.
Is there any landing on the planet right now that's kind of like still
technically inhabited, uninhabited or on our planet? Yeah, Antarctica or that's not
none of there's people, it's uninhabited, that's inhabitable, that's uninhabited. Yeah,
um no, not really because I think nothing significant solved the boy,
Dan. I think there's a few thousand people in Nantarctica. That's that's they're
not permanent residence. They do they do They're like you know there rotations.
Yeah, you can't live there forever. You ever see the thing? They
go nuts. They have chefs and stuff. Well if they don't get you
know, copied by a body snatcher or whatever. Yeah, but um,
anyway, so the gold thing is a big thing. The population of Antarctica
is about four thousand in summer and about one thousand in winter. Dude,
I bet you could tell people there's golden Antarctica and we'd move there. Fucking
that's that's yes. The example that should not Mars. That's fine. People
would go there without question if they heard there was gold Yeah, I'd go.
I've always wanted to go to Antarctica. Live there, No go get
killed by some disease. How many shoots up out of the peat moss after
more ice melts, like you're just walking someday and you like step too hard
and some like eighty thousand year old disease. If it is the most amount
of time you would spend an Antarctica, if you got paid the right amount
of money, six months, yeah, giving them out what's the amount?
Hundred grand? So yeah, I do. I do a year in an
Arctic for hunter grand. Yeah, okay, that's easy. My living expenses
would be zero k yeah, fifty k yeah, that's that. I would
not do six months fifty k yeah, I do, like I do a
quarter okay yeah yeah. Um. Anyway, let's let's get back on track
here. No, we're gonna be adventures now, Okay, so all right,
fuck it. The Antarctica Company, you guys want to start it?
Yeah, why not just tell people there's the key is to tell people there's
gold there, and then we'll leave strauss It where we just sell all these
idiots coming for gold, the shit they need to mind for gold, and
then we design golf courses. Wait what why not? Well, because it's
the Antarctica. Yeah, hey man, Golden Tea has all kinds of snow
snow courses apparent true, they have the Himalance. You can golf on Everest
and Golden Tea. Um. So the gold thing is a thing. The
other thing is there's a lot of God in country. Talk. To get
people to go over there, we got to beat the Catholics. So there's
gold God in country and you know, beating the Catholics. Uh. I
don't know why didn't use that. To be honest, I'm not trying to
get politically here, but it disappointed me that he never beat the anti Catholic
drum um, just because why not throw shit against the wall, Because it
worked to get people to the America's right, It worked against one out of
the three Catholics who ran for president. It worked for the University of Miami.
It did. Yeah, convicts convicts one. Convicts did win that one
unsurprisingly. So another day, if you have like an uncle that really hates
socialism, you've probably heard this story where Jamestown failed because of socialism. I
have not heard this. There's not a chance that your uncle at Thanksgiving remotely
knows anything about. Oh, this is something that I heard at my dinner
table quite a bit. I love this. So basically, when Jamestown first
started, everyone got fed from a common house on the site of the settlement.
Regardless of the amount of work he did, everyone got fed. And
this led to a lot of people not working. Does this lead to the
famous quote from leads to the famous quote if you don't work, you don't
eat. Yeah, And this is kind of the he's a big believer in
that, absolutely, But this leads to the famous notion. I don't believe
he was because how much work do you have to do as a pirate.
You gotta sink the ship, bro, you gotta do all the work.
I don't think piracy is much work. Piracy is stealing stealing, which is
a lot of work, not as much work as working. You have the
murder anyway, murder that hard hard murder seems really hard. You just have
to sink the ship. What's harder to do earn money over a course of
time or shoot someone in the face and take that money they earned over a
course of time. It's like the key and Peel skit where it's like,
all right, this is how we're gonna rob well, they're trying. We're
gonna go in with some resumes, get jobs there or you know, it's
like robbing the bank by just working there and getting promoted and leaving pally hard
to be a troop. Don't do this? What stop? You're just being
you're doing dan stuff. It's easier to kill someone and steal their shit than
it is to generally than it is to accrue that ship in the first place.
It's harder to be an accountant than a troop, is what you're saying.
Yeah, probably, Yeah, So anyway, the reason that happened where
there were people that weren't working that we're eating was it was all the fucking
nobleman. They thought they shouldn't have been working because they were noble people.
They don't work, they're there to do all day. Though at that point,
I don't know what they did, like like I just read sit around
and discuss like mentally masturbated about how things should be run once everything gets going
right, Like yeahs. So that's why I never like the whole Well,
socialism doesn't work because of this. It's like, well, that's all the
rich people sitting around playing with their dicks while other people worked, but they
were still getting fed. Yeah, you know what I mean. So it's
not really good argument against socialism. It's a really poor example. I've never
heard that. No, it's funny. It gets if you look up like
Jamestown failed socialism, like it's oh, lovely goop talking. That's not even
anything. No, it's but they love, like love people who actually work.
Yeah, but they also hate socialism. But John Smith was like,
hey, you gotta pull your weight. Essentially, it's just well because a
bunch of rich shoots didn't want to work, so he's like, hey,
everyone's working here or else. You're not eating from the common house anymore.
By the way, I do love. So there was from what I read
a flip side of the coin to this where eventually there were people who were
like man, fuck this, and they tried to go move to the Native
American villages. Oh yeah, who I don't think were noblemen, who were
just people who were like, this is too much work. And they tried
to like just assimilate with the Native Americans, but they had the same sinful
rule yeah, yeah, which was I you don't work, you don't go,
don't pull your way and John Smith was like yeah, and they came
back emaciated. Yeah, like they came back being like, Okay, we'll
work here. So um, I just like I think I thought about that.
It was just like the funny thing. It's like, dude, this
is what you don't even understand, like life is perfect and Sweden. Yeah,
like it stills like the rumor, Like it was just like, dude,
the Native American villagers out there, dude, they have it. I'm
telling you, they're doing it right. You know, you could do you
want there, and like everyone gets a piece and it's it's fucking it's fucking
great, but wrong what masculinity not being a pussy. Well that's what they
thought. And then they went and they tried to do it and it was
like the same thing. It's like, oh, we have to do something.
Yeah, in the name, you're not just gonna get free food.
Right, Yeah, there was no free lunch. Yeah, oldest lesson in
history. There's no free lunch. Ye there such thing, guys. Yeah,
so they tried to go and then they came back and they're like,
I'm sorry. So yeah, so John Smith basically it was like yo,
fuck this leadership shit. He kind of got things going a little bit.
Unfortunately they weren't able to generate a ton of food still, so wait,
no, I'm skipping around a little bit. Whatever. It's all kind of
the same anyway. John Smith eventually starts to there's this local Native American girl.
They need to start. I'm really Pocohonas. Yeah, I know,
right, Like I'm like, oh yeah, I gotta remember all the Pocohonas
stuff. Now. I should have written more of this out. That's why
I was like, man, I don't know if we're going to get to
this or not. The Pocohona is kind of boring, to be honest,
it is Okay, it's bizarre to me. It's it is bizarre. Let's
talk about this. It's bizarre to me that Pocohonnas somehow we came the center
of John smith story. Do we add this to our list of future films.
We got teen Jesus, Young John Smith, and then there's another one.
But yeah, then young John score. What was the other one?
Actual John Smith? Yeah, actual John Smith. Mel Gibson's in that for
sure, well back in the day. Oh yeah, anymore, say now
it's more like a Tom Hardy vehicle. Yeah, maybe it's Tom Hardy yeah,
or Sillian Murphy. No, not Sillion. It needs to be beef
here, beef here ceiling can put some muscle on. Yeah. Tom Hardy's
natal he functuates too much. Now he's he's a small man too, and
he's he's he's more beefy than not. Ye bane, No, you're right.
You know who it should be, Shaaloma Shallome. I hated his fucking
medieval movie. I loved it. It was so disappointing. I liked it
a lot. Anyway, just call it. Just keep kumber Batch away,
please, look, it should not now it just needs to be I'm just
just need a time machine mel Gibson into it. Really, Yeah, that's
all the problem with it. The problem with this. He couldn't play it
because well he's mel Gibson only murders the British. She doesn't play that.
I also can't believe him as Young John Smith because he's Santa Claus. Now
well, yeah, now you can't do it. I'm trying to think of
it. This one o them Tom Hardy anyway, where we had Team Jesus,
Young John Smith. What was the other one? There's another movie?
Yeah, and somebody will remind us, Yeah, please remind us, please,
how did you forget the fucking Oh? Probably William Walker is a movie.
Yeah, yeah, I think we William Walker one. That'd be a
good shaalomic role him as a dead eye vampire. That's part that he's born
to play that. Yeah, man, we're gonna write he just like walks
into Mexico, like can you use men and child? I mean like,
I'm gonna take here in Mexico anyway, Nick rog was mine. Now yeah,
I'm the president. This is my Mexico. Now let me flip my
hair. Oh my god, Well, hey, ladybird, any fuck have
Tom Holland he's grown into his own he's too nice. He's too nice too
now and he can't grow beard. Well, there was a movie that's Daniel
Radfli that was pretty If he wasn't a terrible actor, I'd be down with
it, Tom holland Douvil all the time. I believe, Oh I need
to watch that. He's pretty good in that. Okay, let me just
kind of cut to the chase with this Pokehonas ship. So John Smith realizes
they're gonna need to learn how to do some more agricultural stuff from the Native
Americans. They he falls in love with the little ten year old girl that
is Pocohona's, the chief's daughter, I believe, or something like ten.
At this point. Some people argue between ten and thirteen. Yeah, so
people that don't like the story of Pocohona's argue ten. People that are like,
oh, well it was a different time. This issues more thirteen.
It was a different time. Yeah, I know you can say like,
oh, it was a different you can't really, like, I guess you
could. You know, you can apply that to anything to an extent,
like, oh, the nineteen seventies were different time, but no, this
is a different time. Yeah, this is a different It is different.
You can barely like I think you're you're pushing point is thirteen though, where
anything younger than that more just like an almost anything at this point in the
time of history is just different. Yeah, you know what I mean,
it's a different Earth. Yeah, totally. Essentially they are essentially on the
moon over there too, Yeah for all intensive Yeah yeah, I just look
at all that stuff. But I'm just like, yeah, man, like
to me, it's messed up, but I can't argue. I'm not gonna
argue guys anyone that's not like I guess that was like the fuck up.
I'm not gonna be like well actually, but like in personally, I just
look at it him just like this is like you're different. You're perfectly cool
with the Three Heads and like all the shit you was doing before the piracy.
It's more, I'm especially cool with the Three Heads. They asked for
it, they really did. If there was ever anyone to victim blame,
it is the three Turks that John Smith, the one that said I'm bored
for head, the three Turks, three Turks, three Turks and a horse.
Like this is like, this isn't like like Earth in sixteen oh whatever.
It's you have to almost judge it as a different planet. Yeah,
like you literally like your spaceship landed on a different planet. Yeah, this
is like sixteen oh seven. Yeah, and you're like, oh fuck,
let me get to this any Yeah, No, it's okay. Um.
So, yeah, they start to trade a little bit more. Um.
I think at some point, you know, things are running okay. They're
still pretty beat up, though. John Smith blows a piece of his leg
off. Wait, it never sounds good at this point. He's what twenty
he twenty twenty seven? He he's anyway, he's like charting water somewhere.
He has gunpowder and the ship it catches light blows a chunk of his thigh
from someone smoking right almost probably yeah, what else would do it? So
he's doing a good job enough, I guess to not warrant. He's not
really even doing a good job. No, one's doing a great job,
but he's doing a better job than most. He was easily the best governor
they had while he was there, and he's the only one that kept everyone
well. Yeah. So he blows off a chunk of his thighs, he's
incapacitated and he's hobbled for the rest of his life. Basically at this point,
he goes back to England, I'm pretty sure off. Yeah, and
so then someone takes over. I want to say his last name was Percy.
Yeah, whatever, Yeah, anyway, someone takes over James Stone goes
to shit after John Smith leaves like for a minute. Well yeah, so
it's a funny story. Actually, I'm just gonna go through this real quick
because I think it's hilarious. Yeah, he brings Pocahonas back to England with
him, now John Rolf does. Yeah, it's do you want me to
get into this? Like I just the Pokeahona stuff's kind of boring. Like
they parade around this little Native American girl around England. Well I just know
he was like talking like the bell of the ball. Yeah, John Smith
talked her up. Yeah yeah, but it wasn't He didn't bring her back
John Rolf did. But she also saved his life a few times. Yes,
well yeah because kind of well that's even debatable, but yeah, yeah,
there's so much debated shit about the interaction between John Smith, pocahon Is
the chiefs and all that. It's really not even like there's no good,
Like the story is the story. You know, they let him free and
they work together. Well also, he also recounts the story ten years later,
and I saw there's like historians in like the eighteen hundreds were still trying
to like poke holes in John's story because yeah, from what I read as
essentially, they were like, he was not known to be an exaggerator.
Yeah, because his his because when he wrote about so a lot of people
who were invested in the colonies and um, a lot of people who had
been there and come back were asked to or did all their own volition right
about the colonies to get more people to go, right, to get more
people to go, because that every person that goes is more money for them,
right. Essentially, So a lot of people were like what we were
saying earlier. They were like gold, everything's might have gold. Go yeah,
yo, just fine gold. You're a ship gold if you go over
there. Yeah, and like you eat a turkey shit out gold and um
I wish yeah, yeah, lots giving the dopest holiday and John Smith was
John Smith's writings were more like, Yeah, if you don't like hard work,
you're gonna fucking die. You're gonna hate it over there. But if
you do like hard work and you are a hard worker, you can make
some serious money. And he was also like, no, there's not gold
everywhere, but there's a ton of industry. Like if you like chopping down
trees, man, there's fucking trees everywhere. Yeah. So he was like
he was very in in those writings, who was very realistic, and I
think historians were kind of like, man, he was so fucking grounded on
the ship when he didn't have to be, and no one else was.
It was more just like he wrote about the whole Pocahana sing like a decade
later. Yeah, so it's just mis misremember and stuff. So John Smith
goes away and Jamestown is now led by incompetent people that don't know how to
communicate with the Native American tribes. Don't pull their weight, don't pull their
weight, so they resort to begging. They resort to begging these Native American
people like, hey, give us foods don't have a Thanksgiving? Yeah,
sos, we can give you some food. We'll give you food this one
time if you need it, like John Smith was cool, we'll hook you
up. Then they eat all food. They're like, we need more food,
and they're like, yo, we just gave you food, right like,
and so they start trying to like classic Americans, they just start trying
to like raid these people now and steal their food. And basically the Native
Americans are like, if you guys leave that fucking fort, gonna kill you.
Like you can't come out here taking our food no more. Yea.
And so this is a funny story the Native Americans when whenever anyone will leave
at a certain point, they'd kill them and they'd stuff their mouths with bread
and leave them on spikes in front of the fort. Well perfect, Yeah,
it's like, oh, you'll get food, but you're gonna be dead.
And here's how you did. There's no there's no living beggars outside of
your fort. The first American quarantine basically one of the funny things too that
I read was I guess John Smith gave word that shit wasn't gonna be good
to the Virginia Company when he was gone. Yeah, so they sent another
round of people. Oh they kept saying people actually regardless of what he said.
Oh okay, just that's this whole thing is like the Virginia. Smith
and other people were like, foot is fucked up here. Yeah, Like
dude, everyone's like people are literally shitting themselves to death every day, like
a people are dying every day, so they need the Virginia. He was
like, well, we're just gonna have to throw bodies at the problem.
So like you throw, we'll just throw money at the problem in where I
guess is like, we're just gonna throw human beings. Eventually this investment will
take yeah, and we'll make money off it. So they send three more
ships to Jamestown, and this time they're like, all right, everyone's gonna
know who's in charge. We're putting all the leaders on one ship and we're
gonna keep all the workers on two other ships. Guess what happens guys to
the one ship it crashes, The one ship of all the leaders crashes.
The other two ships make it. So the one ship of level leaders crashes,
I want to say in a Spanish, oh, crashes in Bermuda.
So I end up in Bermuda. They don't have a way to get off
the island. They actually live very well because they the Spanish ship built up
the island to be like run overrun with pigs, so it's like a stopping
place and they just slaughter some pigs and eat while they're stopped. Nice.
So they have this pig island and they're just like chilling and like nice temperate
weather, eating pigs all day. They're like, we shouldn't leave. Fuck
no, fuck those workers. Meanwhile, those workers show up to Jamestown,
it's already fucked. Three hundred new mouths to feed, show up to a
mud pit with like rotten corn. Three dude, three hundred new heads show
up that aren't skilled at lead and they don't know what to do. Is
the most fail upward shit I've ever heard in my wife. It's just like
the rich guy's ship gets wrecked and they go to Bacon Island. Yeah,
they stayed there long enough to like they're building ships, and the whole time
they're like, should we like this? Meanwhile, the blue collar workers just
show up to a fucking swamp graveyard. Yeah. I think I'm mixing up
timelines. I think after whatever, it doesn't matter. We're not mean on
John Smith anymore. So Smith goes back to England, then comes back and
explores New England. Yeah, yeah, he goes to New England. He
named New England. Yeah. I still want to talk about Jamestown for a
minute though, because it gets worse. So finally the leaders were like,
all right, we build the ships, we should go figure out this whole
thing over there in Jamestown. Let's go lead them toward the light. They
show up, and the way it was written is like the gates of the
fort were off the hinges when they show it up, meaning that the place
was in such disarray they hadn't even bothered keeping the doors up. They were
like fucking while natives they're murdering them. Yeah, leaving right, Yeah exactly,
and like the natives already pissed off on them too, because they're trying
to Maradi. Imagine like your car, your car like gets consistently broken into
and your front doors off its hinges, and you're just like, god,
I'm just not I can't even I'm not gonna replace that's get knocked down,
smashed in. Yeah. So they show up and they're like, nope,
everyone on the ship. We're going home. Fuck Jamestown. So they get
them on the ship and they're sailing back. Virginia Company has already sent other
people. Yeah, they catch them, and they catch them. The ship's
cross and they intercept the ship coming back. All these people like, thank
god, we're get the fuck out of Jamestown. They stopped them, like
all these healthy people, turn your ass around. You're going back to Jamestown.
This colony's gonna work. Yeah, And eventually it does, yeah,
eventually to start the flourish eventually. Yeah. So I mean that's basically you
know, it's a disrate. Yeah, but John Smith eventually goes on to
explore New England names New England, writes all his stuff. Yeah, it
writes all his memoirs, and that's why we get to learn about all the
cool shit he did before he died in England. Was it thirty one something
like yeah, old yea, yeah, but he Uh, it's a miracle
he made buried until six And when they say he was buried in that church,
I think it meant he was reburied, okay, because it's like two
years before. Yeah, actually it wasn't. Like no one check John Smith's
house for two years. John Yeah, he's asleep. Yeah, he's probably
banging that little American girl found a thirteen year old native. Uh. But
I mean it's really the breadth of what we wanted to talk about was all
the stuff he didn't know about John Smith, and I think we covered that
in Great Yeah, which is everything. So um gosh, let me look
this up real quick. Sure thing, because there's a guy who listens to
our podcast who sent me a thing being like you guys need to fucking dude,
John Smith, and UM, let me look it up. Damn.
It doesn't let me search pete. Um, it only lets me search people.
Not not like discussions, sure, or like what was in a discussion.
But anyway, one of our listeners, I'll try to find one side
table this. Yeah, well I'll tell you why. I will. I
will shout you out on Twitter. Um. I gotta look through my dmsum
to see who suggested this. But do you remember the gist of it?
He was just like you gotta do fucking John Smith. Oh, if you
guys are doing like crazy lives, Yeah, no, definitely, I had
no idea who did all this shit? Yeah? It's wild? Yeah,
um, I guess here, let's let's throw a question out there for the
for those at home and for us here, Who's life would you rather live?
John Smith? William Walker or Boston Corbett? Uh? John Smith?
I think what we who? Boston Corbett was from the Civil War? Right?
Which one was? He? He avenged Lincoln? Oh? Yeah,
that's definitely not John Corbett or Boston Corbett or Boston Corbett. Yeah, definitely
not pay William Walker is mad hatter, though he's always Oh yeah, that's
right, he's the hatter. I love that guy who I definitely don't want
to live his life ever, always high ki of mercury. It's not like
he also cut off his dick. Yeah dude, what Boston's out? So
William Walker, John Smith, John Smith, William Walker. William Walker was
kind of tied. He got executed by firing squad. John Smith didn't,
and he did all that cool shit, so did fucking William Walker. No,
John Smith did arguably way cooler shit. William Waker. John Smith did
cooler shit. I mean William Walker did was like a pirate in the sense
that he stole other He was like a country pirate where he steal countries from
places I don't know. Like, Okay, I'm just throwing it out there.
I think John Smith's the winner, but Boston Corporate is not. This
is in the cellar very, you know, Boston. He was like,
went insane on Mercury, you dick off and ship. Yeah no, dude,
what I love. I love the thing from Boston, Corbett's thing where
the hat the people running the hat shops knew that, Like the hatters were
going crazy too. They're like, oh, he's just got the shakes.
He's a hatter. Look, I'm just I'm just keeping on your toes,
making sure you're paying attention to episodes we've done in the past. We've covered
a lot of stuff actually already, Like I forget about people we've talked about
already, like Boston Corbett. I totally forgot about the whole hatter thing like
that was like the first half of his life is just shouting shit like you're
all going to Hell repentance, like like piggybacking off of other people's street corner
sermons and be like, yeah, what are you said? People were like,
yeah, I get your own corner. But he never technically died.
He used to list this, Yeah, that we know of. I think
William Walkers still have somewhere. Yeah, he's in Argentina or Burt Brazil with
Hitler, Tupac Biggie. Yeah, why do we start this podcast? I
don't remember. Fuck, um, it's been a while. August actually yeah,
it's been maybe no, maybe July, No, not that long,
right September. I think it's like August, dude, Okay, had quite
a few episodes we have. Make sure to go back. I mean,
if you're on a long drive right now, go back, listen to that
catalog. Yeah, catch what you haven't caught yet, of course, right,
subscribe? Tell a friend about the podcast, brob, you look like
you want to say something. I'm just trying to find that. I'm just
trying to find it and say it on the episode. I'll definitely shot them
out next time. And on Twitter. We're on YouTube too, so make
sure to subscribe there if you want to see our pretty faces. Yeah.
Sorry, And and not to end this on a on a slowly fading out
moment, I think, what did you learn from John Smith's life? Dan?
Pretty much? Uh? You know, uh, when you're when you're
at your lowest, when you're a slave slave, there's nothing you know,
just kind of push forward, maybe brutally murder a man with like a that
was a bat threshing bat, yes, freshing bat, and uh, you
can make your way to the biggest thing. Yeah, absolutely, that's the
lesson. Bash life's face in and then to cut its head off and then
take its clothes and right off into the desert. Yeah, yeah, my
big I think the big thing I've learned is from the onset here is that
I want to be an adventurer. I want to do something that my dad
doesn't do is a common theme throughout history. It didn't change. So yeah,
an adventure back then was way cooler than a person who has adventure in
their bio on Tinder. Now, wanderlust does not mean when you see wanderlust
in an Igoro. Yeah, it does not mean what John Smith had.
No, they went to like Costa Rica for a week. Yeah, they
did mushrooms maybe in Tuloom. Yeah, you know, they just kind of
surved in Yako. Yeah. What I learned is that, um, we
live some bitch ass lives. We really do. Yeah. That That's what
I've learned throughout this entire podcast, everything we've touched on. It's that we
just don't have nothing to really worry about, so we create all these fake
things to get upset about. We have absolutely so fucking little to worry about.
And look, you know you should safeguard again, you know, it's
and I guess, yeah, it's good to be it's good to be on
point about stuff, like focused on things. But like, oh my god,
do you kind of miss it though? Like do you kind of feel
like missed it? I never experienced it. Do you feel like you missed
out. No, My grandfather was quite haunted by World War two and the
rest of his life was pretty comfortable, So I can't imagine they didn't really.
I feel like back then they didn't know any other life. I will
say they didn't. That was more normal to them, I guess. I
will say, though, I think we missed out in the idea of the
world having mystery in it. You know, they're undiscovered places and things like
that. The world is so mapped out now you can see everything from a
screen. There's cameras everywhere. Yeah, you know what I mean, Like,
I think there is something missing to that, and I think, you
know, that's why we eventually do need to expand space exploration again to kind
of capture the hearts and minds of not just a nation, but a whole
society of people, you know what I mean. It's just like I was
watching Pushing Forward. I was watching the crown Um episode where Prince Philip gets
really into the moon landing, okay, and like he's just like they're just
he's talking about it. And it's funny too, because like he he's talking
about how it's just this monuments moment for a whole species and not like borders
don't matter. In that one moment, everyone's like, fuck, like we
did this, we man did this. We don't have any like species wins.
Well, Hollywood did it, but go ahead. Yeah sure, Stanley
Kubrick did it. We all know that. But um no, But it's
it's interesting that we don't really have that. There's been such a lack of
focus on like united human effort. I guess like the closest thing we have
right now is this fucking vaccine. Probably, Yeah, pretty impressive. I
mean it's impressive for even then we're still kind of being dickheads. That's the
world. That's a reactive achievement, not a like we're gonna go conquer something.
We're not we're gonna go plant the flag, right, we don't.
We don't have just one thing to unite the entire world together at this.
Yeah, that's why we need the aliens to show the fuck up right.
Yeah, we want to get into a war with aliens if we want to,
we would lose thing. Everybody together, It doesn't matter. No,
I will be an alien slaver for means like it's about the friends we make
along the way. Yeah, gleep, court. I don't know anyway.
This is software history. Yeah, please share with your friends all that shit.
Enjoy us over the Thanksgiving break, Show us to your drunk uncle who
likes to talk about weird, fuck up history shit all the time. Get
to that James sound packed thing, Yeah, rub it in his face.
You just got self served. There we go, Happy Thanksgiving.