WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.039 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. 3 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:12.400 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 4 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:16.960 I'd like to welcome my TikTok audience who are here watching. You are 5 00:00:17.000 --> 00:00:21.760 in the studio of iHeartRadio in Los Angeles, California, and we are talking 6 00:00:22.039 --> 00:00:27.039 love relationships, but particularly ones that get talked about a lot on the internet, 7 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:33.399 which are trauma bonds. Now, let me explain what a real trauma 8 00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:37.759 bond is, because the Internet likes to just make up things. It is 9 00:00:37.799 --> 00:00:47.079 where somebody has suffered some major childhood trauma and then they find a partner who 10 00:00:47.159 --> 00:00:53.359 triggers the same feelings in them. They got to understand that as a survival 11 00:00:53.439 --> 00:01:00.079 reflex, every baby will stay attached to its caregiver for its own vitality to 12 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:04.480 stay alive, right, and when that caregiver treats them badly there, I 13 00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:07.799 mean, what's a toddler going to do. Go catch a lift somewhere and 14 00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:11.599 go find new parents. Like, it's not going to happen right. So, 15 00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:17.640 as a result, as their brain develops, their model for love becomes 16 00:01:17.719 --> 00:01:22.439 mixed with pain. Then they go out into the adult romantic world and they 17 00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:26.920 meet these really nice, loving people who are They're like you, I'm not 18 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:30.280 attracted to them. I don't know why. I'm just you know, the 19 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:33.560 chemistry is not there, or they're too nice, they say all those things. 20 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:38.359 Then they meet someone who triggers them in some way and they call that 21 00:01:38.599 --> 00:01:46.519 love. That's what a trauma bond is. A trauma bond is when you 22 00:01:46.599 --> 00:01:52.239 mix pain and love and you want to leave and you can't, and you 23 00:01:52.359 --> 00:01:56.359 hate the pain, but you're addicted to the love part. The roller coaster 24 00:01:56.480 --> 00:02:00.439 relationship. Now, I came to this knowledge from my own personal experience. 25 00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:07.200 When I was a youngish woman. I had a relationship for almost a decade, 26 00:02:07.239 --> 00:02:08.199 on and off and on and off. I'd do all those tricks to 27 00:02:08.240 --> 00:02:10.879 try to get rid of them, block them, change my phone number, 28 00:02:10.919 --> 00:02:14.840 whatever, and then he'd always find a way to come back around again. 29 00:02:15.159 --> 00:02:20.080 He just had this ability to draw me in. But it's not about him. 30 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:23.319 He wasn't doing anything bad. It was about my lack of boundaries, 31 00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:30.319 and it was about what he evoked in me from something with my childhood. 32 00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:35.199 And you know, I think if you've been following me long enough and listening 33 00:02:35.240 --> 00:02:36.960 to my show, as you know that I had a dad who was in 34 00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:38.360 the navy, and he was gone most of the time, and as a 35 00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:44.039 result, my model for love got mixed up with feelings of longing. So 36 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:47.400 when this bad boy would come on strong, we'd have a fabulous night and 37 00:02:47.400 --> 00:02:51.000 then disappear for three weeks. It was like my dad's ship going out to 38 00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:54.319 see it must have been real love, and I longed and waited. So 39 00:02:55.919 --> 00:03:00.400 when do you know it's time to see a therapist about your relationship? When 40 00:03:00.439 --> 00:03:07.039 do you know specifically that you should research and try to find a therapist who 41 00:03:07.159 --> 00:03:10.840 specializes in trauma. Because here's the thing, Like, when I first went 42 00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:15.240 to therapy, I was talking about my relationship right, well, he said 43 00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:17.840 this, and he did this, and why how can I do this? 44 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:21.719 And what if I do this, will he do that? My brain was 45 00:03:21.800 --> 00:03:29.360 focused on the current situation, but my very intelligent, talented therapist was listening 46 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:34.639 and saying things like what does this remind you of? What does this remind 47 00:03:34.719 --> 00:03:38.039 you of? Anything that happened earlier? In your life, etc. Trying 48 00:03:38.039 --> 00:03:45.199 to help me make the connection from my adult feelings to my childhood trauma. 49 00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:49.520 Right, So a good therapist can do this. So how do you know 50 00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:53.520 whether you're just having a bad relationship and you should just break up and you 51 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:57.439 can and you have the ability too because you have enough self esteem, or 52 00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:03.479 whether this relationship is an important messenger for you, a messenger that it's time 53 00:04:03.479 --> 00:04:09.039 for change. It's time for you to have some deep internal change working with 54 00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:15.160 a licensed therapist. So ask yourself these questions. Do you find yourself rationalizing 55 00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:19.600 your partner's bad behavior. Oh, I was so good at that. Literally, 56 00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:25.279 he would go my playboy, bad boy, come and go, object, 57 00:04:25.399 --> 00:04:29.160 object to my anxious attachment. Lucky guy, poor guy. I feel 58 00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:31.600 bad for him now because he didn't know what he walked into. He would 59 00:04:31.639 --> 00:04:35.720 go on a business shrip and people would be like, you haven't heard from 60 00:04:35.759 --> 00:04:38.160 him for a week, And I'd be like, you know, he's really 61 00:04:38.199 --> 00:04:42.079 busy when he's working, when he's traveling, and with the time change and 62 00:04:42.120 --> 00:04:45.000 everything, and you know, my phone's probably not working as well. I 63 00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:48.920 would come up with a million rationalizations. And if you have a highly intelligent 64 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:53.800 brain, you're going to actually rationalize more. You know what somebody said to 65 00:04:53.839 --> 00:04:57.480 me recently, I think it was in my Patreon zoom room on Wednesday. 66 00:04:57.800 --> 00:05:00.480 They said, how could you such a SMA art woman? You know, 67 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:05.600 not just walk away? How could you not know? And I reminded him 68 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:13.319 that the emotional brain and the intellectual brain are two completely different things. And 69 00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:17.839 guess which one is more powerful? The emotional brain It will override every time. 70 00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:25.879 So my rationalizations to protect him were fueled by my emotional brain, who 71 00:05:25.959 --> 00:05:29.879 just wanted to keep him, reel him in, have contact in some way. 72 00:05:30.560 --> 00:05:35.040 Okay, so let's say you're not with them because you've broken up, 73 00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:38.160 and you're saying he's bad for me. What are you still thinking about him 74 00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:40.360 all the time? Oh? I used to do that. I used to 75 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:43.879 dream about him all the time, sometimes nightmares. Sometimes I was hurting him. 76 00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:47.439 Hey it's a happy Catharsis, That's what that is. But yeah, 77 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:55.439 it was constantly a weird obsession for me. M here's another big one. 78 00:05:55.839 --> 00:06:00.040 Now. You know that real love, true love is the verb to give. 79 00:06:00.759 --> 00:06:04.360 Right, if you're in a secure relationship, the both of you should 80 00:06:04.360 --> 00:06:08.920 be giving to each other, not counting and keeping score, but giving to 81 00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:13.839 each other. And so when you're in a traumatic bond, here's a sneaky 82 00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:17.160 little way that you pretend it's real love. You become a big caregiver of 83 00:06:17.199 --> 00:06:20.160 them. It's like, what can I do for them to make them happy? 84 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:24.279 But what you're really thinking is how can I be super nice so they 85 00:06:24.279 --> 00:06:28.319 won't leave me, they'll keep me? And the little things I did, 86 00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:32.079 the cute notes, sent, the errands I ran, the gifts I sent 87 00:06:32.639 --> 00:06:39.240 you know, it was crazy. So if you're finding that, you're always 88 00:06:39.240 --> 00:06:43.279 asking yourself what are ways I can help them? Or another thing I was 89 00:06:43.319 --> 00:06:45.920 good at? How can I be a cheerleader? How can I cheer them 90 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:48.279 up? I can make them happy and they feel happy around me than they 91 00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:54.160 want to stay near me. Right, here's another one. Do your friends 92 00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:59.160 and family hate them? This is a big sign because they're not trapped in 93 00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:02.720 love's delusion like you are. I would listen to the people around you if 94 00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:05.079 they say he's a bad guy. And of course I mean. I had 95 00:07:05.079 --> 00:07:09.199 a bunch of girlfriends circle met one point I was in a relationship and they 96 00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:12.120 said they thought they were planning a baby show. I thought they were planning 97 00:07:12.120 --> 00:07:14.480 a baby shower for me, and then they sat around and said, this 98 00:07:14.519 --> 00:07:17.160 is not a baby shower planning meeting, this is an intervention. You need 99 00:07:17.199 --> 00:07:19.480 to leave him. I'm like, I got his baby in my summach, 100 00:07:19.480 --> 00:07:24.560 I'm not going anywhere. Like it was so rough. But I should have 101 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:29.639 listened to them. I should have listened to them. Do you cover for 102 00:07:29.720 --> 00:07:32.319 your partner's unhealthy behavior? Are you always making excuses about them? Do you 103 00:07:32.360 --> 00:07:38.560 get defensive with other people when they criticize him? All of these are signs 104 00:07:38.560 --> 00:07:43.160 that you might be in a trauma bond and should seek out a professional license 105 00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:47.160 therapist who understands trauma. Now, how do you do that? You can 106 00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:53.079 always start with your primary caregiver and they have a roster of people they refer 107 00:07:53.120 --> 00:07:56.959 people to. Also, call your insurance see what they cover. Go online 108 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:03.439 see what they cover. The American Psychology Association the APA has a therapist locator 109 00:08:03.480 --> 00:08:05.079 online. I think you just put in your zip code and you can find 110 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:11.439 if you have a university near you that has a PhD program in psychology. 111 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:16.480 They have a counseling center that's very affordable. Reach out there. Ask your 112 00:08:16.519 --> 00:08:24.800 friends for referrals, but it's probably time. Also, if you are planning 113 00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:28.639 to leave a trauma bond, it might be important that you make a safety 114 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:35.960 plan because guess what, that person that you're in a trauma bond with likes 115 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:39.960 the situation, they like the way it's working, and they're not going to 116 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:43.440 be happy when you leave. So figure out if you're going to hide another 117 00:08:43.480 --> 00:08:48.720 cell phone somewhere, which friends you're going to reach out to for support. 118 00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:54.759 Identify safe friends or family you can stay with. Make sure you've got money 119 00:08:54.759 --> 00:08:58.759 where it needs to be that you can grab it quickly. Reach out to 120 00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:05.600 local support organizations, including the hotline, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, who 121 00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:09.799 has people on call twenty four hours a day, who even deal with emotional 122 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:13.080 abuse. Okay, it's really important, all right. When we come back, 123 00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:16.399 I am going to be taking your calls. If you would like to 124 00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:20.639 be part of my drive by makeshift relationship advice based on lots of life wisdom, 125 00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:24.399 I'm happy to weigh in well. I've also written three books on relationships 126 00:09:24.399 --> 00:09:26.320 and did a dissertation on attachment theory. So if you like to give us 127 00:09:26.320 --> 00:09:31.279 a call, the number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three 128 00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:35.840 four. That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Give us a 129 00:09:35.840 --> 00:09:39.840 call and I will weigh in on your love life. You are listening to 130 00:09:39.879 --> 00:09:45.279 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show at KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 131 00:09:45.320 --> 00:09:52.279 the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM 132 00:09:52.279 --> 00:09:56.720 six forty. K f I Am six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh 133 00:09:56.720 --> 00:10:00.279 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome 134 00:10:00.279 --> 00:10:03.320 my Instagram audience. Hey guys, how are you. You are live in 135 00:10:03.360 --> 00:10:07.000 the iHeartRadio studios in Burbank, California. It's always fun because on the commercial 136 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:11.720 break when I go live on social media, I'm always asking people like tell 137 00:10:11.720 --> 00:10:13.840 me where you are, tell me where you are. And it's amazing, 138 00:10:13.960 --> 00:10:16.519 like so many time zones around the world. We have people from Malaysia and 139 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:22.840 Romania and you know, thirty different states. It's always wonderful and of course 140 00:10:22.039 --> 00:10:24.799 lots of local people too, which is great. Um, So if you 141 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:28.399 like to call in with a relationship question, it's okay. If you're shy, 142 00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:31.039 you can change your name. The numbers one eight hundred five to zero 143 00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:35.720 one KFI. That's one eight hundred five to zero one five three four. 144 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:39.480 But let me start by going to social We did have an anonymous call or 145 00:10:39.559 --> 00:10:43.360 call in. They just weren't comfortable being on air, and they wanted to 146 00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:46.360 know how did you get out of your trauma bond? They said that you 147 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:48.799 touched on it and they wanted some Ever, how I got out of my 148 00:10:48.840 --> 00:10:52.519 own trauma bond? That's a great question. So I didn't end of the 149 00:10:52.519 --> 00:10:56.399 story, did I. It took a lot of years, and it ebbs 150 00:10:56.399 --> 00:11:00.360 and flows back and forth. I would let him back into my life and 151 00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:03.360 then get rid of them again. But what it doesn't matter about what I 152 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:11.159 did. It's about how I changed the feeling inside me where I didn't have 153 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:16.399 the longing anymore. And I did, accidentally. The things that research says 154 00:11:16.519 --> 00:11:24.879 can heal an anxious attachment style one is building a secure relationship with your children. 155 00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:28.679 So I was a single mom. I read all the doctor Sears books 156 00:11:28.720 --> 00:11:31.720 on attachment parenting. I practiced attachment parenting. I slept with my babies, 157 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:35.480 I wore my babies. I breastfend by each of my babies for three years. 158 00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:37.360 And you know, kids don't leave you, and after a while, 159 00:11:37.360 --> 00:11:41.960 it soothes you, and that research shows that when a parent says to their 160 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:46.720 baby, don't worry, daddy's here or mummy's here, I'll be home soon. 161 00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:48.759 I'll never leave you. I love you, there's another brain in the 162 00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:54.480 room that's listening, and that brain is the parent's brain. So by consoling 163 00:11:54.519 --> 00:11:58.159 and caring for a child, in some ways, you're also healing yourself. 164 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:03.720 So that's one way I think I healed. Another way is having a good, 165 00:12:03.960 --> 00:12:09.080 consistent relationship with a licensed therapist. For years, I never missed my 166 00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:13.000 therapy appointment. And it was rough, crying in a therapist's office about and 167 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:18.200 going with a fine toothcomb over one's childhood. It was really rough. And 168 00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:22.039 also, you know, now I can say this now, when I finally 169 00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:26.639 picked somebody who had a secure attachment style, who could soothe me and not 170 00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:31.879 go running away or getting avoidant and talk about things when things came up, 171 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:37.399 that also became healing. And so it's a combination of all those things, 172 00:12:37.960 --> 00:12:43.200 time, parenting, therapy, just choosing better, you know, for me 173 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:50.679 and for many people out there who choose relationships that are painful, sometimes starting 174 00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:56.639 a new relationship and then finding out rather quickly that the feelings you're having inside 175 00:12:56.639 --> 00:13:00.200 yourself are the same as the last person, and knowing that this is not 176 00:13:00.279 --> 00:13:05.679 good for you and being able to leave earlier is actually progress, right. 177 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:11.240 So I mean, my friends, I remember when I was looking for my 178 00:13:11.279 --> 00:13:13.759 wonderful boyfriend now and I'd be going through the dating apps and be like no, 179 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:18.519 no, no, no, wiping away, and they're like, you're 180 00:13:18.519 --> 00:13:20.919 just being so picky. They said, why are you being so picky? 181 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:26.039 But for me that was progress because the younger me would have been like, 182 00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:30.840 well, you know, maybe I can just be in love with hope. 183 00:13:31.240 --> 00:13:35.080 Maybe he'll change or maybe he'll get better. Let me just give him lots 184 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:37.919 of love. I'll kill him with kindness. I'll be a love blah. 185 00:13:37.919 --> 00:13:41.000 I'll be as cheerleader. I'll be kind to him, he'll stay, he'll 186 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.039 be nice, it'll be fun. No. Now, I'm like, uh, 187 00:13:43.519 --> 00:13:48.080 the signs are there moving on. And so for many of you who 188 00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:52.480 get into painful relationships, it is progress to date, not multiple people at 189 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:56.320 the same time, but dates different people and then break up quickly. When 190 00:13:56.320 --> 00:14:01.639 you start. It's not about seeing the reds, it's about becoming aware of 191 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:07.200 the same feeling inside yourself, like oh, here we go again. I'm 192 00:14:07.200 --> 00:14:11.559 walking right towards another train wreck. Here we go, so away. That 193 00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:16.039 was a long answer to a short question producer Kayla. Let's go to social 194 00:14:16.039 --> 00:14:18.200 media because you guys are sending me lots of dms. If you'd like to 195 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:20.879 call in the numbers one eight hundred and five to zero one K five. 196 00:14:22.279 --> 00:14:26.919 Dear doctor Wendy, I was dating this man for three months before we had 197 00:14:26.960 --> 00:14:31.720 sex, and the second we had sex, Oh, he ghosted me. 198 00:14:31.720 --> 00:14:37.159 I feel so insecure now and find it really hard to trust. How can 199 00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:41.600 I get closure and begin to heal if he won't tell me why he did 200 00:14:41.639 --> 00:14:46.200 that to me? Okay, so here we go. I have been there 201 00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:50.840 first of all, every human on the planet, more often women than men, 202 00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:54.759 have that happen. They made a choice to have sex with somebody they 203 00:14:54.759 --> 00:15:00.039 didn't fully trust. They trusted, but they shouldn't have trusted because they I 204 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:01.559 didn't do the vetting. And I know you mentioned time, well, I 205 00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:07.000 spent three months. Time is not always people say, well, when should 206 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:11.240 you sleep with someone for the first time when you trust them and they've proven 207 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:15.120 themselves to be trustworthy. There are lots of little tests and ways that we 208 00:15:15.159 --> 00:15:20.080 can find out if the person is trustworthy, simple little things like calling when 209 00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:24.600 they say they're going to call, showing up on time, being kind and 210 00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:28.799 considerate, being open when you share your feelings, and being kind about that. 211 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:35.200 That is how you earn trust, all right, So when you so 212 00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:39.120 okay, So basically you waited three months, your question to me is how 213 00:15:39.159 --> 00:15:41.879 am I going to heal? If he won't tell me what? It doesn't 214 00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:46.799 matter because why he left you has nothing to do with you, has entirely 215 00:15:46.840 --> 00:15:50.440 to do with him. And as soon as you stop and I learned this 216 00:15:50.639 --> 00:15:54.919 so you just as soon as you stop analyzing them, and instead of focusing 217 00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:58.879 on your feelings, which is taking time to feel the loss, It's okay 218 00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:03.200 to feel sad, it's okay to grieve, It's okay to rehash the relationship 219 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:06.440 and say, what am I going to do different next time? But take 220 00:16:06.519 --> 00:16:11.639 full responsibility. You had sex with someone you didn't trust. I know you 221 00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:15.840 didn't know. I know you thought you trusted them. I know they tried 222 00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:18.600 to prove themselves. They might have been tricky. So now you know next 223 00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:22.360 time there might be tricksters out there. I'll wait a little longer, I'll 224 00:16:22.360 --> 00:16:26.360 ask some other questions. The time will be the healer. Okay, producer, 225 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:29.600 Kayla, we have somebody on the line. We have a couple of 226 00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:32.639 people. Okay, Ashley with the question, Okay, Hi, Actually it's 227 00:16:32.720 --> 00:16:36.639 doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. It's such a pleasure to get through 228 00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:38.679 too. How are you? I'm good? How are you? I am 229 00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:44.639 well? I am just calling with an issue that I'm having with my boyfriend. 230 00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:48.639 I've been dating him for about four months now, and in this course 231 00:16:48.759 --> 00:16:55.120 of us dating, it has come about that he had a girlfriend or another 232 00:16:55.200 --> 00:17:00.840 girlfriend, and in us having this dispute, he has broken up with her 233 00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:06.960 and now it's committed to me, and now it's developed. I've developed serious 234 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:11.200 trust issues now with just the situation in itself, and he's shown that he's 235 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:15.200 really trying to be committed or wants to be committed to me, and I 236 00:17:15.240 --> 00:17:18.680 just don't know how to give him the trust or if I should give them 237 00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:21.359 trust. You know what this reminds me of, Ashley. There's research out 238 00:17:21.400 --> 00:17:25.880 of the Kinsey Institute that says that if people lie on their profile, people 239 00:17:25.920 --> 00:17:27.920 have trouble having relationships with them at all, whether they're lying about height, 240 00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:33.599 weight, income, zip code, right when they start off with a lie, 241 00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:37.720 it's so hard to trust. And now did he lie or did he 242 00:17:37.759 --> 00:17:41.559 omit the truth? Like, were you having a discussion about are you fully 243 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:47.240 single and free? Or did it start off as a kind of casual situation 244 00:17:47.240 --> 00:17:51.880 ship But it started off as a casual situation shift and you just assumed he 245 00:17:51.920 --> 00:18:00.640 was single. I assumed he was single based on my conditions of going to 246 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:03.880 be intimate. It's going to be me and me only. Oh and you 247 00:18:03.960 --> 00:18:07.559 said that to him and he was at the same time sleeping with someone else 248 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:11.279 and lied to you. Rat, I'm sorry, dumped this guy. Sorry, 249 00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:15.039 just go, Ashley, dumb. He lied to you in a big 250 00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:17.920 way. He cheated you from the very beginning, and you know what he's 251 00:18:17.960 --> 00:18:21.200 doing. He's testing to see if you'll put up with more. There's another 252 00:18:21.240 --> 00:18:26.079 guy out there who's going to be kind, loving, trustworthy, completely honest 253 00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:30.640 from the beginning, and he's waiting to meet you. Be a strong Barbie, 254 00:18:30.680 --> 00:18:34.440 Ashley. Let that can go. Thank you for calling. I'm sorry. 255 00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:37.519 I sometimes I'm just hard when I hear that that. She was very 256 00:18:37.559 --> 00:18:41.880 clear and said, look, I'm not going to have sex with you if 257 00:18:41.119 --> 00:18:44.839 unless you and I are the only people having sex. It doesn't mean that 258 00:18:44.839 --> 00:18:47.200 we're going to be together forever, doesn't mean you're my boyfriend. But if 259 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:49.599 we're going to enter this intimate relationship physically, I'd like to know that I'm 260 00:18:49.640 --> 00:18:52.880 the only person you're sleeping with. And he lied. Now four months later 261 00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:56.400 he says he's been seeing somebody else, and then he's going to break up 262 00:18:56.400 --> 00:19:00.839 with her. Now, Oh, I'm sorry, too late, too late, 263 00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:02.680 you lose all right, let's go to break when we come back. 264 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:07.200 The number is one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight 265 00:19:07.279 --> 00:19:10.960 hundred five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor 266 00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:14.640 Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 267 00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:19.680 iHeartRadio Appum, you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM 268 00:19:19.680 --> 00:19:26.319 six forty kf I AM sixty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 269 00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:29.559 This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I am taking your calls. Reminder, 270 00:19:29.559 --> 00:19:32.519 I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I'm obsessed with 271 00:19:32.519 --> 00:19:36.119 the science of love. I've written three books on relationships. Did a dissertation 272 00:19:36.119 --> 00:19:38.359 on attachment theory. And to those of you who thought I was a little 273 00:19:38.359 --> 00:19:42.119 hard on Ashley earlier by telling her to leave her, dude, it's not 274 00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:45.839 like she's been with him ten years. It's not like their children involved. 275 00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:49.920 That would be different advice. This is the early vetting stages of a relationship, 276 00:19:49.960 --> 00:19:55.000 and if you start lying from the beginning, folks, then you're gonna 277 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:56.839 lose your partners, all right, Producer, Kayla, who do we have? 278 00:19:57.039 --> 00:20:00.880 We have Jackie with the question jack Hi, Jackie. It's doctor Wendy. 279 00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:07.200 Hi, doctor Wendy. I'm in med school. I did an intake, 280 00:20:07.079 --> 00:20:11.720 my first intake today with a patient, and I've found myself really, 281 00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:17.359 really emotional afterwards. And I wondered if you had any guidance on this because 282 00:20:17.400 --> 00:20:21.440 I'm super impasse. Yeah, and I could feel everything like we start with 283 00:20:21.480 --> 00:20:25.200 the childhood with the patient. And I know this is not a romantic question, 284 00:20:25.720 --> 00:20:30.599 but I'm wondering if you had any guidance on self care with something like 285 00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:33.200 this. You know, you, in particular, because you're an EmPATH, 286 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:40.640 probably went into the medical field because of your desire to care for others. 287 00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:45.640 So here's what I so at the very beginning, when I was like as 288 00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:49.039 a psychological assistant seeing patients and I was still in grad school, I would 289 00:20:49.079 --> 00:20:52.599 have the same thing because I'm really empathetic and I was a single mom with 290 00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:56.319 toddlers, so I would come home at the end of the day and just 291 00:20:56.440 --> 00:21:00.720 my brain was exhausted from all the air and then I'd have a screaming two 292 00:21:00.759 --> 00:21:04.480 year old to take care of. Right, So I for me, what 293 00:21:04.599 --> 00:21:10.400 I did is limit the amount of patients I would see, or you know, 294 00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:12.079 get more support with the motherhood or whatever, but realize that this was 295 00:21:12.119 --> 00:21:15.599 going to be a challenge for me. The other thing I'll tell you is 296 00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:18.640 that I was also a news reporter for a lot of years, and we 297 00:21:18.839 --> 00:21:27.880 covered some terrible tragedies, terrible tragedies, some heartbreaking situations, and you know, 298 00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:34.000 at first I thought the other crews were very callous because they'd make jokes, 299 00:21:34.039 --> 00:21:38.400 etc. And you've heard about emergency room humor, But that is how 300 00:21:38.480 --> 00:21:44.799 we deal with painful feelings. So time is probably going to be your friend. 301 00:21:45.319 --> 00:21:48.759 And at the beginning, it's going to be hard. And after you've 302 00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:52.599 heard these painful stories, after a while, you're going to say to yourself, 303 00:21:52.759 --> 00:21:56.039 you're going to keep your brain on what can I do to help? 304 00:21:56.480 --> 00:22:00.480 Instead of oh, this is so painful to get into your intellectual brain? 305 00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:06.480 What can I do to help? But thank you for going into the medical 306 00:22:06.519 --> 00:22:10.359 field, Jackie. You're the people we need there, people with a good 307 00:22:10.359 --> 00:22:14.720 bedside matter manner. Thank you so much for calling. All right, producer, 308 00:22:14.759 --> 00:22:17.319 Kayla, who do we have next? We have Robin with the question 309 00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:22.160 Robin, Hi, Robin, it's doctor Wendy. Robin. Are you there? 310 00:22:22.640 --> 00:22:27.000 Hello? All right, we have there we go. Okay, Hi 311 00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:32.000 Robin, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. How are you good? 312 00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:38.319 What's your question? Love? So I'm recovering from an eighteen year marriage 313 00:22:38.319 --> 00:22:45.279 with the culvert, narcissist and some you know, spiritual abuse. Um in 314 00:22:45.359 --> 00:22:55.039 the church. Oh, he ended up grooming me and divorcing his wife and 315 00:22:55.240 --> 00:23:00.480 wanting to to marry me after you know all of this happened. And how 316 00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:06.640 old were you when you first met him? The pastor or my husband past? 317 00:23:08.119 --> 00:23:14.279 I was this? This happened in twenty twenty, so um forty four? 318 00:23:14.359 --> 00:23:17.079 Now, okay, so you were an adult, but he still was 319 00:23:17.079 --> 00:23:21.039 able to groom you because of how much you wanted to do well, yeah, 320 00:23:19.559 --> 00:23:25.279 I served. Yeah, I served under him, and I you know, 321 00:23:25.319 --> 00:23:27.880 I trusted him, and you know, he was I was going through 322 00:23:27.960 --> 00:23:33.319 cancer, COVID and crazy. So I was divorcing my covert and my husband, 323 00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:37.079 and um, you know, he was there for me. He showed 324 00:23:37.160 --> 00:23:40.960 up in the hospital for me and brought my family food and YadA YadA. 325 00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:44.839 And then he divorced his wife and then you know, we're going to live 326 00:23:44.880 --> 00:23:48.839 happily ever after. And then I called his ex wife because I was getting 327 00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:53.759 this nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm like, oh my 328 00:23:53.799 --> 00:23:57.920 god, here we go again. And so my question is like, now 329 00:23:57.960 --> 00:24:02.640 I have serious trust is shoes. I feel like everybody and their mothers and 330 00:24:02.799 --> 00:24:07.200 narcissists. You know, if I meet someone, I don't want to tell 331 00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:11.920 them what I'm looking for because I feel like they're going to mirror me, 332 00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:17.480 Like yeah, yeah, don't tell them. That's actually a technique. How 333 00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:21.960 are you supposed to get to know someone if you're not open and honest and 334 00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:25.519 you know, like, well, you don't know what kind of relationships you're 335 00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:29.680 gonna be. Okay, so number one, you would be a great candidate 336 00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:32.880 for therapy. So I do suggest that you're going in a licensed therapist, 337 00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:34.119 so then you have a wingman. You can go after your dates, you 338 00:24:34.119 --> 00:24:37.559 can go back to your therapy appointment and say, okay, so here's what 339 00:24:37.640 --> 00:24:41.720 happened. Do you think I live? But here's the sneaky thing is that 340 00:24:41.880 --> 00:24:45.319 this happens very commonly with women. Women will disclose in the early stages of 341 00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:48.440 dating what they're looking for. I'm really glad you brought this up from and 342 00:24:49.039 --> 00:24:52.720 they'll disclose what they're looking for, and then the men say that they are 343 00:24:52.759 --> 00:24:57.440 that they will perform and become that right in their mind. So my advice 344 00:24:57.559 --> 00:25:02.519 is not to tell them what you're looking for, but to just watch, 345 00:25:03.480 --> 00:25:07.839 just watch, and instead talk about your feelings and your reaction to whatever they're 346 00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:10.680 doing, or saying, well, when you said that, that made me 347 00:25:10.720 --> 00:25:14.000 feel it could be positive, right, made me feel encouraged or whatever. 348 00:25:14.920 --> 00:25:18.400 But that's instead of saying I'm looking for a guy who's this, this, 349 00:25:18.400 --> 00:25:19.039 this, Then he'll say, oh, yeah, yeah, that's me, 350 00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:22.440 that's me. Just say I'm looking to get to know somebody and see how 351 00:25:22.440 --> 00:25:29.240 it goes and let them they're they're auditioning for you. Don't forget that they 352 00:25:29.559 --> 00:25:33.200 sperm chase's egg, not the reverse. And even when you don't mean to 353 00:25:33.240 --> 00:25:37.599 reproduce, at a basic biological level, women are the prize. Don't ever 354 00:25:37.640 --> 00:25:40.759 forget that. Thank you for calling Robin. All right, do we have 355 00:25:40.759 --> 00:25:42.079 time for one more? We do? We have Kim with a question. 356 00:25:42.160 --> 00:25:47.079 Jim, Hi, Kim, it's doctor Wendy. Hi. Hi. Can 357 00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:51.759 you either me? Okay? I can hear you perfectly, Okay. I'm 358 00:25:51.839 --> 00:25:56.160 fighting cancer, breast cancer right now. Say one. I'm going to radiation. 359 00:25:57.880 --> 00:26:03.440 Let me lie. I've been together for twenty three years, married sixteen, 360 00:26:04.039 --> 00:26:15.000 so my rock. I feel so ugly sosgusty kay. I want to 361 00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.359 say something. First of all, you are very very brave. I am 362 00:26:19.519 --> 00:26:26.400 so proud of you for calling in. I want to remind you this is 363 00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:30.480 the good news part that stage one breast cancer is the best breast cancer ever 364 00:26:30.519 --> 00:26:34.559 to get. One in eight women are going to get breast cancer in their 365 00:26:34.559 --> 00:26:37.680 life, and if they're lucky enough to discover it at stage one, it's 366 00:26:37.799 --> 00:26:44.119 ninety eight percent curable. Doesn't mean this is easy. The way you speak 367 00:26:44.119 --> 00:26:48.720 about your husband is beautiful. You call him your rock, and I'm pretty 368 00:26:48.799 --> 00:26:56.079 darn sure that he is terrified of losing you, and he loves you and 369 00:26:56.240 --> 00:27:00.000 he thinks you're beautiful. There are organizations, Kayla, I want you to 370 00:27:00.279 --> 00:27:03.920 cruise around and see if we can find some for this caller that actually do 371 00:27:04.440 --> 00:27:11.400 hair and makeup and makeovers for any woman going through cancer treatment, because part 372 00:27:11.480 --> 00:27:17.799 of healing is feeling good about yourself right, looking good, getting as tired 373 00:27:17.799 --> 00:27:19.839 as you are, as sick as you feel, getting up in the morning, 374 00:27:19.920 --> 00:27:22.440 getting dressed, putting on a little bit bit of makeup if that's your 375 00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:30.960 style, can help your self esteem. But also the sadness you're feeling is 376 00:27:30.079 --> 00:27:34.839 part of the whole. You know, your body's full of chemicals and the 377 00:27:36.359 --> 00:27:41.319 future feels uncertain to you and it can feel very, very very scary. 378 00:27:41.079 --> 00:27:45.599 So if it is in your budget or call your health insurance, I really 379 00:27:45.640 --> 00:27:52.960 want you to get some emotional cancer support, some either group therapy, a 380 00:27:52.960 --> 00:27:56.799 good support group, or a one on one therapist, because you deserve it. 381 00:27:57.400 --> 00:28:02.759 This fight is yours, but we're all in it with you, all 382 00:28:02.839 --> 00:28:07.119 women, all women, because one in eight of us will get press cancer. 383 00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:11.359 And Kim, I know it's hard to have this thought right now because 384 00:28:11.400 --> 00:28:15.400 this can be a scary time and you're feeling very sad, but you're one 385 00:28:15.400 --> 00:28:19.720 of the lucky ones who caught it at stage one and I feel you're going 386 00:28:19.799 --> 00:28:23.400 to get through this and but you're going to need support. Don't do it 387 00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:27.839 alone. Reach out. You need to reach out some stution cancer organizations who 388 00:28:27.880 --> 00:28:32.240 are going to support you through this. Oh, you're so brave. You're 389 00:28:32.279 --> 00:28:36.480 my hero. Thank you Kim for calling in. I appreciate it. Okay, 390 00:28:36.519 --> 00:28:42.519 when we come back. Robert Sternberg his triangular theory of love, three 391 00:28:42.599 --> 00:28:47.440 prongs on his triangle. If you have at least two of these three things, 392 00:28:47.799 --> 00:28:49.400 your relationship is going to be okay. If you only have one, 393 00:28:51.319 --> 00:28:56.240 I'm not saying divorce corps. But maybe you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls 394 00:28:56.319 --> 00:29:00.000 Show on kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio. 395 00:29:00.119 --> 00:29:04.839 Happened You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty. 396 00:29:04.920 --> 00:29:08.480 KFY Am six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. Wow, 397 00:29:08.519 --> 00:29:11.839 it's a home stretch already of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. How does 398 00:29:11.880 --> 00:29:15.160 two hours go by that quickly? Gaila, great callers and great content. 399 00:29:15.920 --> 00:29:19.960 Crazy crazy was that Tom Jones was there? WHOA I loved him? Oh 400 00:29:21.039 --> 00:29:26.680 my god, so fun? All right, I am fan girling over a 401 00:29:26.759 --> 00:29:30.920 guy named doctor Robert Sternberg at Cornell University. He's literally known as one of 402 00:29:30.920 --> 00:29:37.200 the most influential psychologists of the twentieth century, best known for his ground baking 403 00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:41.480 research on intelligence, love, creativity, and cognitive styles. So when I 404 00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:48.680 teach developmental psychology, I teach his theory on intelligence, but then I teach 405 00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:55.640 his triangular theory of love. And this idea came for me to revisit this 406 00:29:55.720 --> 00:30:02.400 topic on our show this week because I had friend who was deciding whether or 407 00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:07.599 not to leave his wife, and he was struggling with this decision back and 408 00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:11.079 forth, and they had tried. They'd separated for a while, you know, 409 00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:14.559 like a month, and then they missed each other and they got back 410 00:30:14.599 --> 00:30:17.000 and they were doing that back and forth, back and forth thing. And 411 00:30:17.119 --> 00:30:22.559 I said, well, have you ever looked at Robert Sternberg's theory and determined 412 00:30:22.599 --> 00:30:26.079 that you have at least two of the three elements of love? Because the 413 00:30:26.119 --> 00:30:30.559 research says that if you have at least two, did you give it another 414 00:30:30.559 --> 00:30:33.920 shot? But if you have only one, it's going to be hard. 415 00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:40.960 So what are the three components of love according to Robert Sternberg, And they 416 00:30:40.960 --> 00:30:45.359 can be all kinds of combinations really interesting. So one is emotional intimacy. 417 00:30:47.400 --> 00:30:52.440 Another is he calls it a passion, which is you know, the sexy 418 00:30:52.480 --> 00:31:00.359 part lust right attraction, physical attraction. And the other is commitment into llectual 419 00:31:00.440 --> 00:31:04.319 commitment. Now here's the interesting thing. At different stages of your relationship, 420 00:31:04.720 --> 00:31:11.480 you're going to have different amounts of these kinds of things. So at the 421 00:31:11.599 --> 00:31:15.759 very beginning you're probably going to have a whole lot of passion, a lot 422 00:31:15.759 --> 00:31:18.960 of lust, a lot of attraction. That's what happens when you first meet 423 00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:22.200 somebody. It's very exciting, and then you can grow that into something if 424 00:31:22.200 --> 00:31:27.599 you're chatting after the sex, into emotional intimacy. And then at a certain 425 00:31:27.640 --> 00:31:30.680 point your brain is going to say, see that it's actually human being you're 426 00:31:30.720 --> 00:31:33.079 dealing with, and do a cost benefit analysis and go, you know what, 427 00:31:33.079 --> 00:31:36.319 I'm gonna make a commitment to it. Anyway I can put up with 428 00:31:36.319 --> 00:31:40.640 the things that they're not perfect with and that's the commitment. Right now. 429 00:31:40.759 --> 00:31:45.599 What Robert Sternberg said is that you can have relationships that are combinations of these 430 00:31:45.640 --> 00:31:52.880 things but missing one. For instance, if you have emotional intimacy and hot 431 00:31:52.920 --> 00:31:56.359 sex passion, but you don't have any commitment. What's that, Kayla? 432 00:31:57.400 --> 00:32:01.519 What kind of relationship would that be? Commitment but hot sex? Physical and 433 00:32:01.960 --> 00:32:06.720 you like each other? You got emotional intimacy and hot sex. Okay, 434 00:32:07.319 --> 00:32:13.079 I know you're gonna say a situationship. I don't know, sneak or an 435 00:32:13.119 --> 00:32:16.119 affair. You can't have commitment because somebody's married to somebody or you're both married 436 00:32:16.119 --> 00:32:20.599 to other people. Okay, So now there could be another one where you 437 00:32:20.640 --> 00:32:28.960 have lots of emotional intimacy and lots of commitment but no sex. What could 438 00:32:28.960 --> 00:32:31.519 that be asexual? It could be an a sexual relationship. Could be a 439 00:32:31.519 --> 00:32:37.440 relationship where you're older and your hormones have changed and you're not breaking up because 440 00:32:37.519 --> 00:32:42.119 you're not knocking boots anymore. You've got grandkids and great grandkids to worry about. 441 00:32:42.359 --> 00:32:46.680 You like each other, you still have a good relationship. Robert Sternberg 442 00:32:46.680 --> 00:32:52.480 would call that mature companionate love. Right. Here's my favorite because I read 443 00:32:52.519 --> 00:32:57.200 about him in the tabloids all the time. What if you have passion hot 444 00:32:57.559 --> 00:33:04.119 sex and commitment, but no emotional intimacy, so you're committed to each other, 445 00:33:04.480 --> 00:33:07.839 you're having great sex. Those are those celebrity relationships where they run off 446 00:33:07.839 --> 00:33:10.920 to Vegas and they get into tabloids, like I think Britney Spears had about 447 00:33:10.960 --> 00:33:15.279 four of them, where they just meet somebody and it's so hot and the 448 00:33:15.319 --> 00:33:16.680 tabloids are all crazy, and then you find out they got married, and 449 00:33:16.680 --> 00:33:20.759 you're like, they got married when the honeymoon phase is hot and heavy. 450 00:33:20.920 --> 00:33:22.119 Yeah, I get wrapped up in that. Speaking of which, this was 451 00:33:22.160 --> 00:33:25.400 not a short relationship. But did you is this true? Are Justin Bieber 452 00:33:25.400 --> 00:33:29.039 and Haley Bieber divorcing? Oh? I didn't hear that. That's what my 453 00:33:29.079 --> 00:33:30.720 daughter told me today because we were at Air one. I'm sorry I said 454 00:33:30.720 --> 00:33:35.319 that word. We were at that expensive, crazy grocery store with all the 455 00:33:35.319 --> 00:33:39.160 weird looking people, I'm sorry, and buying smoothies they cost the price of 456 00:33:39.160 --> 00:33:45.279 a car, and the smoothie everybody was ordering is called the Hailey Bieber Skin 457 00:33:45.559 --> 00:33:52.559 Smoother Smoothie. It was the internet well saying that apparently he endorsed her gait 458 00:33:52.759 --> 00:33:59.200 her glazing milk amid the divorce rumors, so it's just rum and speculation at 459 00:33:59.200 --> 00:34:04.200 this point. Maybe they're doing it to sell those smoothies. Keep an eye 460 00:34:04.200 --> 00:34:07.880 on them. Interesting anyway, there was a lineup of girls with tiny waists 461 00:34:07.880 --> 00:34:12.599 and big hips and big lips to getting this skin smoother, the Haley Bieber, 462 00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:15.880 and I thought like, does everyone buy her name and pay her? 463 00:34:15.920 --> 00:34:20.639 Like? How does that work? But they've been together like six years or 464 00:34:20.679 --> 00:34:22.119 something, right, there's not a quickie relationship. Yes, a lot of 465 00:34:22.280 --> 00:34:25.360 andre Rianna Grande is having an affair with the merry Man. That's a lot 466 00:34:25.400 --> 00:34:28.679 going on. We might have to cover some of the week, my goodness. 467 00:34:28.840 --> 00:34:31.320 Okay, So here's what Robert Sternberg says. He says, while all 468 00:34:31.320 --> 00:34:37.000 these other kinds of relationships might exist, everyone wants to strive for having what's 469 00:34:37.000 --> 00:34:43.000 called an ideal love relationship. An ideal love relationship has emotional intimacy, it 470 00:34:43.079 --> 00:34:49.119 has hot sexual passion, and it has strong commitment. Now, every long 471 00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:52.800 term relationship I hope will have that at least for a day. Okay. 472 00:34:52.039 --> 00:34:57.280 It ebbs and flows and changes all the time. Sometimes one is less, 473 00:34:57.320 --> 00:35:02.960 sometimes one is more. But if one is completely missing, you have a 474 00:35:04.039 --> 00:35:07.400 high chance of breaking up. So let's think about it. Let's say you're 475 00:35:07.400 --> 00:35:12.280 having close emotional intimacy and you're really committed to somebody, Well, you could 476 00:35:12.280 --> 00:35:15.440 just be like living like roommates. Then are you going to stay because at 477 00:35:15.480 --> 00:35:19.039 some point one of you is going to want to have sex? Right, 478 00:35:20.119 --> 00:35:24.239 Let's say you have great emotional intimacy and great sex but no commitment. Somebody's 479 00:35:24.280 --> 00:35:29.280 going to get mad that there's no commitment after a while. Right, So 480 00:35:29.320 --> 00:35:32.719 if you think about it, while it would be wonderful to have all three 481 00:35:32.960 --> 00:35:37.320 at all times, at different stages of our relationships, they will shift in 482 00:35:37.360 --> 00:35:44.440 their priority. But also keep in mind if you only have two of those 483 00:35:44.519 --> 00:35:49.280 for a while, you're probably going to struggle more. You're going to have 484 00:35:49.320 --> 00:35:53.639 to talk about things. When we talk about relationships being work, the work, 485 00:35:53.719 --> 00:35:58.079 well, it's joyful work, especially the sexual work. It's joyful work. 486 00:35:58.800 --> 00:36:02.239 How can you improve your passion and sex life by scheduling sex, by 487 00:36:02.280 --> 00:36:06.880 adding novelty, doing different things, even just putting your partner in a different 488 00:36:06.920 --> 00:36:10.119 room can feel different. Right, how do you increase commitment? You have 489 00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:15.119 conversations about this, you talk about you know, like people are like, 490 00:36:15.480 --> 00:36:19.840 I've been with my boyfriend for like three years, and he doesn't ever want 491 00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:22.880 to talk about getting married. Why well, why aren't you bringing it up? 492 00:36:22.920 --> 00:36:25.360 And why aren't you given a deadline? Not an ultimatum. Ultimatums are 493 00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:30.239 very different than boundaries. Ultimatums are where you're saying you better do this or 494 00:36:30.280 --> 00:36:34.719 else, and you're trying to manipulate somebody's behavior. It never works out in 495 00:36:34.719 --> 00:36:38.440 the long run. A boundaries when you say, oh, I'm so sorry, 496 00:36:38.480 --> 00:36:43.920 I can only wait another three months and then I have to go very 497 00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:47.239 different. Then I expect a proposal within three months instead of trying to get 498 00:36:47.239 --> 00:36:52.800 somebody else to behave If you're trying to increase emotional intimacy, well that's what 499 00:36:52.840 --> 00:36:55.760 we talked about the beginning of the show. Talk about your feelings, even 500 00:36:55.800 --> 00:37:00.519 if you have made up stories in your head about what's going on, tell 501 00:37:00.519 --> 00:37:07.480 them what your made up story is. That's how you can increase it. 502 00:37:06.840 --> 00:37:09.039 Ah, it's always so sad to get to the end of the show. 503 00:37:09.760 --> 00:37:14.360 I could talk about love all day long. Producer Kayla. It's so fascinating 504 00:37:14.400 --> 00:37:16.239 to me. And when I'm out of public, I know you're listening to 505 00:37:16.239 --> 00:37:20.159 me, going like, what if she sees me out there? I'm always 506 00:37:20.159 --> 00:37:24.199 studying couples, how their body language is, how they behave to each other, 507 00:37:24.280 --> 00:37:30.159 how they respond to each other. I can like diagnose what's going on 508 00:37:30.199 --> 00:37:31.800 in their relationship, which is by watching them. So will beware if you're 509 00:37:31.800 --> 00:37:36.800 out there in public and you seem in a restaurant. This is my favorite 510 00:37:36.800 --> 00:37:39.079 thing to do. It's just interesting to me how people relate. All right, 511 00:37:39.119 --> 00:37:42.320 If you'd like to follow me on social media, you certainly may. 512 00:37:42.400 --> 00:37:45.480 The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh. If you'd like to join my 513 00:37:45.559 --> 00:37:50.719 Patreon, it's patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Every Wednesday we do 514 00:37:50.760 --> 00:37:53.400 a live little Zoom Room. We have quite a great community many KFI listeners 515 00:37:53.400 --> 00:37:58.280 that we see every Wednesday at six thirty pm. It is always my pleasure 516 00:37:58.320 --> 00:38:00.000 to weigh in on your love lives. We'll see you next Sunday. You've 517 00:38:00.039 --> 00:38:04.239 been listening to the Doctor Anddy Welsh show on kf I Am six forty. 518 00:38:04.280 --> 00:38:09.440 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 519 00:38:09.440 --> 00:38:13.519 You can always hear us live on kf I Am six forty from seven 520 00:38:13.559 --> 00:38:17.039 to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.