I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis, and this is safe word. Safe
word is sex therapy unhinged because instead of being a blank slate that's just here
to support you, we're telling you the details on our own sex lives,
relationships, identities, and more. This isn't sex and it's not therapy,
but we are sex therapists and what you hear today may excite you. Each
week we tackle a theme related to sex, relationships, gender, and more.
This week, we're taking a second to circle back to some of the
longer questions you've asked us this season. We don't have a particular topic at
hand, but we're taking all of the questions in which you told us stories
about your life and asked us for our thoughts. Case he I've missed you.
I feel like yesterday did we talk? I feel like we didn't talk,
really spoke a single word, and that is that almost never happens.
That was really rare. I was like toward the end of the day,
I was like, wait, I like opened our G chat and I was
like, hmmm, try to just say something. Sometimes Camille just g chats
me high and I'm like, this could go anywhere from here. It really
because and then I'll be like, oh, I don't want anything, or
Hi, does that the worst thing ever? I feel like that's how you
know that you've really reached like work work wife level is you haven't spoken in
a day, You're like, my soul is not complete. I need this.
It truly felt that way. I was like, m I don't know
what's going on. Oh't like this, but how are you? Yeah?
I was just telling etor coordinator before this that I think, for the first
time in years, I'm like, really need to commit to taking a day
off where I do not work for a second on that day. And Camille,
I really feel the same about you, and I think maybe we should
even do it on the same day. I don't know, but like we
both need to take a day off. Yeah, I feel burnt out.
I feel like you probably feel this way too, Like thirteen hour work days
do not phase me. They just feel like an average Tuesday, and that
is not good. We need to d we need to unde sensitize ourselves to
be workaholics, and I would like to commit to that together. Somehow.
I really feel that, like I will really just be on my computer after
meetings and clients and everything for like hours, and I'll be like, you
need to put your computer away now it's been yeah, thirteen hours. Easy
yeah, easy, yeah, moment I wake up and in my dreams,
so truly, Kamille and I have a lot of dreams about each other.
Yeah, a lot of time, a lot of work dreams. Oh yeah,
you had one, it was, And truly, Camille, your dreams
are clairvoyant, because I don't even think I had told Camille that I was
going to Argentina, and Camille had a dream about me proposing in South America,
and I literally then proposed in South America, Like how yeah, well
my other dream that I forgot I didn't tell you about what I hope is
not clairvoyant. But it was like me, you, Joeanna, and like
a few other people, and we were all in this huge RV with like
eight beds, but we were in the middle of the desert, and I
slept outside in the desert for one night, and then the next night I
was like, somebody else got to sleep out there, and I don't know,
I feel that did happen? That did that actually did happen? I
did sleep outside? Oh my God, you're right. When we went on
our when we went on a leadership or team retreat last year, we got
to this airbnb in the desert that I thought had five bedrooms, but the
fifth bedroom was actually just a trailer outside, and commute volunteered to sleep there,
and really can't believe it to this don't knowing you then I was like,
Wow, this person like likes to rough it. Knowing you now,
I'm like, it makes broth sense to me. I of course, of
course. Now I would never in a million years have let you do that.
I've literally literally never been been camping. I don't I am the opposite
of a roughit girl. I don't know that you know. I don't.
I think you know. I am new to the team. You were trying
to be a team player. Chill, go with the flow. That's that's
how people describe me all the time. All right, shall we tackle some
of these longer questions. Yeah, I'm really excited to see and hear I
guess more about what our listeners be going through. All right, listeners,
bear down and prepare for a kind of a long question. This person says,
and first of all, thank you to people who gave us all this
context and share these parts of themselves. This is vulnerable even though they're anonymous.
So thank you, thank you, thank you, yes, thank you.
Oh my gosh, this person says, I am queer. I adore
the ambiguity that comes with that word, and I find so much comfort in
the expanse of opportunities of being queer. I've dated people of all genders,
so queer applies to my sexuality, but my gender as well. I'm pretty
fam looking and I'm in a straight passing relationship. My partner is amazing,
but he refers to himself as straight. He's dated queer, mostly by women,
but never a trans or non binary person. I use non binary or
preferably queer, as a label. I know our relationship and our love is
queer because I am queer. Yes, thank god, you know that.
Okay, you've been you've been reading Queer Sex Therapy, right. I can
be or exist in any other way. But he still thinks of himself a
straight. Well, I think he doesn't have a better label, and I
don't need to pressure him to use words that don't feel right for him.
But his being straight feels so invalidating to who I am, even though he
is otherwise never invalidating. He doesn't really use straight anymore to refer to himself,
but in the way that he avoids labels, rather than thinking of any
of the more inclusive or representative ways to refer to his sexuality. We've talked
about it a lot, actually, but it doesn't seem to make progress.
I think he feels like he's not gay enough to assume a label that's not
straight, but he has also a few times said that he gets that maybe
he's not straight. I think the biggest hangup is, well, what am
I then? And nothing else feels right? That exact ambiguity is what feels
sacred to me, but it seems to stop him in his tracks. I
want to encourage him to think expansively, and I know that begins with confronting
things like personal biases, but I'm having trouble figuring out how to ask him
to do that. My end goal is to just feel validated in our relationship
by his language when he talks about us in relation to each other. I'm
asking him to really think deeply about his identity and questioning some deep seated understandings,
which I worry is selfish, but at the same time, it doesn't
feel selfish. I want him to feel embraced by the words he uses for
himself. I lost my question in there, but I guess I'm looking for
advice on how to approach the conversation because I feel like I need his words
to love me like he loves me. And right now it feels like it's
not a limitation in language, but a shortcoming and the use of language that
causes my discomfort. WHOA, I really already love this person. I feel
akin to this person. The existentialism in this question is got me sunk in
like what is language is love? What is? It feels really ah,
it feels really deep um initial thoughts. I actually, toward the end of
this question, this person said I need his words to love me like he
loves me. And I think that that was really important in me understanding where
this person, what the essence of this person is looking for. And it
does to me feel like a shortcoming and I do get like the feeling of
when labels don't fully encapsulate you and your experience and also what does that mean
to be in relationship to each other? Yeah, I mean I think that
this person who's asking this question is absolutely not selfish. It's so obvious in
the way that you're talking about this that you're being thoughtful, that you're holding
nuance, that you're not labeling anyone is good or bad. All of that
tells me that you're engaged with your partner in a way that seems really loving
and compassionate and non judgmental. And Camila, I think you hit the nail
on the head. Like for this person, it sounds like the best way
for them to feel loved, at least in this context, would be if
they felt mirrored back by their partner's language. So I think and feel free
to push back on this because I even feel like a little anxiety putting this
out there. It's a little bit of a hot take, Yeah, but
I don't feel like it's at all too much to ask. But I do
think at a certain point, after having these conversations, you may have an
answer, at least for now, and that answer is that your partner is
not at a place in their own process where they can give you this.
However, that doesn't mean that there aren't other ways they can represent your identity
and show love to you. So hearing about the way that your partner is
engaged in this process with you pushing back on his biases, willing to go
from claiming the label of straight to pulling back to not using any label at
all. I hear you that that kind of sounds like an avoidance or a
cop out, But I think there's also an opportunity to see that as love,
because I don't know what your journey, listener was on getting to a
place where you found the words that work for you. I'm thinking about my
own journey, how it took me years to find queer, and I'm thinking
about your partner's journey and how like no one person outside of ourselves can be
the reason that we speed up that process, no matter how much we love
them. And if you trust your partner, and if he loves you,
it sounds like he also loves the part of you that thinks this way.
I would just invite you to trust that it'll get there. It seems like
it's already on its way, and that investment in the process, I think
is the love that you're looking for. And it's still valid that you're missing
the language. Yeah, I think that your point about having the answer and
where he's at be okay, because there has been a shift and somebody can
be in process, And so I think that acknowledging that, and it sounds
like you have had a beautiful array of experiences and found an identity and language
that really suits you. And I think offering maybe a bit of empathy and
compassion towards somebody who hasn't arrived there yet. And what does that mean for
you in the interm Like, doesn't mean that the relationship doesn't feel good to
you anymore? And what does this piece represent? Like if you have this,
then it is this like a missing piece or kind of like what kind
of space can you hold for the process? And it sounds like you've talked
about it a lot. It doesn't sound like he's running from this conversation invalidating
the conversation. So I think I just I agree with what you were saying,
Casey, because I don't I don't know that there's like a necessity to
rush him through to identify in any particular way, especially when we have acknowledged
like the language shortcomings that there are there might not be a word that actually
feels resonant to what he experiences yet. Yeah, yeah, and that you
get to define it and that you kind of have right by not choosing to
engage in either of these labels. Maybe acknowledge that you two have come up
with your own understanding, in your own mutual I guess, agreement of what
this looks like in your relationship and that it will evolve. Yeah, and
I think in the interim, you know, the question I'd have is do
you feel like he sees that this is painful for you? Because I think
that is something he could give you if he's not already. He can't give
you him identifying exactly the way that you need him to in order to feel
loved, but he can give you the I'm working on it. I'm here
with you, and your feelings about it aren't selfish, they're valid, and
the pain is real. And it does sound like this person is very capable
of that. Yeah, great question, So good, So good. I
think so many people throw Yeah. Yeah, I just also like, I
just have really good feelings about that relationship me too, don't. I love
Like we talk about it a lot actually, so I'm like, yeah,
very Yeah, you're in it, y'all are good doing it. Yeah,
let's take a break to hear from our sponsor, Saford Fans know that Kamille
and I can't live without our vibrators. Solo sex, partnered sex. Our
vibrators are always there, like trusted old friends. Are two go tos.
Enigma Cruz and Soia Wave. Both are double stimulators by Lalo that pleasure the
clitterest and the g spot. Keep listening for a twenty five percent off discount
code. Enigma Cruz combines internal and external clitteral simulation to facilitate a blended orgasm.
Enigma's bottom arm slides into the vagina and hold the place while vibrating out
a frequency custom tailored to you, leaving the top simulator to use it's patented
Sinsonic technology to massage a clitteris with sonic waves. The Enigma Cruise also features
cruise control technology that ensures the vibe stay intense when you press it into your
body during peak pleasure. Sarria Wave is another toy that feels like one of
my close friends, expanding on the classic rabbit vibe design. Sarria Waves inner
arm uses wave motion technology to imitate a come hither motion that stimulates the internal
clitterist the same way a partner mite during penetration while it's outer arm vibrates in
different patterns, stimulating the cliterist. No more having to choose between pleasuring r
clitteris internally or externally. With Enigma Cruz and Sariah Wave, you really do
get both. I recommend both Enigma Cruz and Saria Wave for folks who are
familiar with vibrators but want to change up their routine. If they sound like
vibrators from the future, just wait until you see them. Use a discount
code safe Word for twenty five percent off of your purchase from Lalo dot com.
That's one word safe wo r D at Laylo dot com. Or find
the link for those mind blowing toys in the episode description below or in the
safe Word Instagram link tree. This person says high, commune and casey.
I am a queer, bisexual individual who is socialized as a woman. I'm
twenty six and newly practicing polyamory with a kind of relationship anarchy model. I
spent about eight years in serial monogamy with men in a Puritanical Christian evangelical environment
with a date for marriage model. I began to live truer to my queerness
in the past couple of years. My anxious attachment has been showing up with
some of my new dates. Messaging and personal experience around dating have often made
me feel like I have to be cool and down for anything in the early
stages of dating someone or else I will be undesirable. I know that trust
needs to be built over time, but under this perceived expectation of nonchalance,
I often struggled to begin the conversation around my emotional needs with some of the
people that I date. Meanwhile, some of my dates are super communicative from
the get go, which I love, prefer, and embrace. So my
question is this, at what stage of dating a new person is it appropriate
to start asking for my emotional needs? And what's some of your advice on
starting that conversation. I love this question. Okay, what I'm hearing in
this is I think something that actually happens for a lot of people who are
raised in purity culture, which is the pendulum ends up kind of swinging a
little bit too far in the other direction, and you end up in actually
a very similar dynamic to purity culture, but with different words to describe it,
and like queerer, more liberal words to describe it, so to be
more specific, like likely growing up in purity culture, you also didn't really
feel like you could show up with your emotional needs right off the bat.
You also had some very rigid prescriptions of what you were supposed to be okay
with or not okay with early on in the experience. Now, even though
you are no longer in that place, you're in queer culture, there's a
lot of that that's still happening. There's still the sense of rigidity about how
you're supposed to show up at the beginning, the sense that your emotional needs
can't be prioritized. So I do feel like this is sort of the other
side of the same coin of trauma, if you will. And that one
thing I would I would be talking about if we were having a longer conversation
about this is what of those muscles that you learned how to flex during Purity
culture are you maybe still flexing just in a different way, because there may
still be some healing that's required there. And I'm not at all saying that
this is your fault or that you haven't done enough work. I think that
the queer community can be just as rigid as the evangelical community at its worst.
Right, it's just a different flavor of it. But any relationship in
which you've been made to feel like you cannot share your emotional needs right off
the bat is one that is not free, and it seems like you're a
person that actually is really really going for freedom. I think that's such a
good point of how the pendulum swings and then we end up in thinking about
things in this dichotomous way and we're just like on the other side of the
other side of the same coin. I think also I want to speak to
the perceived expectation of nonchalance that this person talked about, of like people kind
of expect me to be down for whatever, like, and so that would
mean that like I'm this cool person and I don't have any needs or I
can just adapt my needs to whoever I'm dating. And so I think that
also even if you practice relationship anarchy, even even if you are polyamorous,
like, there are still boundaries. There's boundaries in all of them. And
I guess that's like the misconception about both of these models is that like you
just don't really care, which is couldn't be further from the truth. I
think that it means that you care really intentionally so you do have a lot
more understanding of yourself, and you probably do have a lot of self awareness
with this practice. So I think it's what you said Casey about like emotional
needs right off the bat. That is, I think the best formula for
a timeline of when you should share what those needs are, because the sooner
you share them, the sooner you know if somebody can meet them or if
they can't. And I think that this would prevent you from continuing to gauge
in a relationship that isn't meant for you or can't meet your needs. All
right, This next question says, oh, this next let me try this
again. This next person says, I'm pretty embarrassed about this question. My
partner recently confessed that they've been cheating on me in the past. We're trying
to figure it out and going to therapy, and I can see him trying
to reassure me and being more communicative than he's ever been. But I'm going
through a lot of phases currently. Whenever I masturbate, I can only climax
when I think of him cheating on me. I've always been turned on by
the idea of sneaking around, but I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed by what
he did. After I climax, I feel to disgusted with myself and worried
that I can never make him feel as good and excited as he did when
he cheated on me. Why can I only climax when I think of him
doing something that I hated? Will this ever go away? How can I
move forward and not rely on that image to get me off? I love
this question. I'm really glad that you asked this question despite feeling embarrassed.
And I first just want to normalize that something about this feels familiar, like
I've experienced this before, like fantasizing about my partner being with somebody else.
I can't remember if there's cheating involved or not. But and similarly, like
even I think while I was masturbating or sometimes while I was like having sex
with that person, thinking about them having sex with somebody else, and I'd
be like, no, I don't want to think about this. I don't
want to think about this. I think it's really normal. It's also really
convoluted, right, like there is like this part of you that feels turned
on by the idea of sneaking around, and this part of you that feels
really betrayed, and so I think that you are kind of exploring your relationship
to this new dynamic in the relationship, right because the cheating has happened.
So it's kind of like as much as we, I think, when something
hurtful happens, we're like, Okay, I want to just forget it and
move on. It's presenting itself in like your fantasies, and it's like I
can't be forgotten. Yeah, no, I mean all of your thoughts are
bringing up other thoughts for me. But I kind of had a like,
was thinking along the same vein because when you think about dreams, I don't
know about you. I have so many dreams where it's so clear that my
subconscious is working through something and it and often it's something that I don't really
want to think about when I'm not dreaming, right, but my subconscious is
like, well, I got to think about this, I've got to process
this. And sometimes the dreams that make me feel really uncomfortable are still giving
me interesting information and allowing my body and my brain to work through that difficult
or traumatic memory. And I wonder I meant the fantasy state the state,
right, before you reach orgasm. It's all so different from the dream state.
And I do wonder if your subconscious is pulling on something that is trying
to figure out, and it's trying to make sense of, and it's trying
to work through. I think a lot of times when a partner cheats,
we can almost have what I call like a hyper vigilant empathy, which is
sort of obsessing over like what were they feeling at the time, What was
this like for them at the time. I think in part because we believe
if we can hack that and understand that, then then we can make our
world more predictable. We can make it less likely that it will happen again.
Yeah, we can replicate it. We can exact give them what they
felt in that moment so that they never do it again. Yeah. And
you know what, I don't think you, Kamille, or I will will
get to any any factual answer about this. But I think maybe what we're
both getting at is like you are processing something through your fantasies and through and
your body is processing it with you. And you said it best, like
you are going through phases. I don't believe this is permanent for you.
I really feel that so strongly. This is part of the grieving process,
and I believe that you will move through it if you're not talking about the
cheating other places, when you're not orgasmic, when you're not fantasy, start
doing that, because I think often that's what can create some relief within the
subconscious, to have to bring it up for you. Yeah, our subconscious
does often try to tell us things and work through unresolved issues or concerns,
and so it sounds like that might be what's happening here, and I totally
agree this is not. I don't want to imagine this to be a forever
thing for you. I think it's the right now thing and definitely encourage you
to be talking about it with your partner. Thanks for sharing. Yeah.
Our next question says I only realize I was bisexual about two years ago.
A year later, and after sexual trauma, I realize that I don't particularly
like penetration ever since I believed myself to be a lesbian until I met this
straight CIS gender man. He has changed all my old perceptions about men,
except for the sex. I told him that I'm not fond of penetration before
we did anything. The next day he told me that it worried him a
bit since it is his favorite aspect. Although it is still early days,
there's no denying that I like him a fair amount and decidedly want to make
it work. I'm just not sure how penetration is really the only thing that
concerns me for a reason, like the depth and thrust triggering pain, getting
dry not long after, I don't think loub helps much, and overload of
friction around the opening hurting. I also receive little to no pleasure from penetration
and can only orgasm from receiving head. I love advice on how to make
this work, or even if I should. I truly like this person and
don't want to give up. But again, he is a man and a
little misguided. Yeah, I think that the capacity for this relationship to work
for me, it would depend heavily on how this man is talking about penetration
with you. If the conversation is like, what is the flavor of his
worry? If the worry is you know, I really I love penetration.
It really matters to me. I'm gonna have to give some thought to what
it would be like for me to be in a long term relationship that doesn't
involve penetration here, your boundary, won't push your boundary, just letting you
know that, Like, I have my own reaction to that boundary that I'm
working through myself, right, Like, that's totally fair, that's a healthy,
valid response. But if it's you know, I'm worried, is there
wiggle room can we shift this? You know, if it's anything that puts
pressure on you to shift your boundary, or anything that makes you feel like
you're the one who's broken, you're the one who's wrong, right, Like,
any of that flavor would be a major red flag for me, because
if this is one boundary, and a very important one that he pushes up
against, it won't be the last one. However, Again, if this
is just a conversation about what it looks like to tackle a discrepancy in the
kind of sex that you like, and both of your desires are being held
to equal and important, are valued equally and importantly, then I do think
it's very possible that this is this is something you can work through. It
will all entirely revolve around the way that the two of you are able to
communicate about this together. I really like what you said, and I was
thinking the same thing about like the flavor of the conversation, like if it
feels like him trying to push against this rather than being curious about it,
I would be really cautious because I think that and you mentioned trauma like this
could feel potentially not super safe. I'm wondering for this person if they if
penetration is something that they are interested in independently of this relationship, because it
sounds like there's some pain and discomfort, and I think that there are a
few things that this person might be able to try out if that's the case.
But also to know that aetration does not equal sex. It doesn't make
sex valid or valuable. It is just one of the many components, Like
you said, your orgasm from getting head, So I think that you are
having sex that feels good to you. And I think that the point about
him being a man and misguided is also super important because there is like the
socialization for everyone that penetration is the end all be all makes sex successful or
define sex at all. Expanding the definition of how you see sex and how
he sees sex and being curious about that and having that conversation also acknowledging that
socialization really can take a really stronghold of people. And if he's interested,
curious, and patient, those are good qualities. If he's like yeah,
yeah, yeah, whatever until you say yes, that's a different conversation.
Yeah. And I think I think a lot of people feel like, you
know, having a deal breaker in a relationship because you don't enjoy the same
kind of sex is like, is like two sex obsessed or not? Okay?
And actually think it's totally okay, Like if this is yeah, this
could easily be a deal breaker for either one of you. And as long
as you're communicating that about in a way that is valuing and upholding the other
person's sexuality is valid in its own right, then then it's good. It's
okay. I agree one hundred percent. But one or both of you might
decide like, yeah, this type of sex is really important to me and
I can't get it here, so this won't work. That's a valid reason
to not pursue a relationship. Yeah, right, And and it also sucks,
like it sucks to be in a position where you really like somebody and
they may not be able to to get with what you need sexually. That
that is really hard. It's hard to find somebody you like a lot,
and I can imagine it's really fucking frustrating that this would be the thing.
Yeah, that never feels good, never good. Point listener says, I'm
thirty three in Australian. I am not in a relationship, nor have I
ever been in a relationship. My question is about sex. As I said,
I'm thirty three and I have never had sex with anyone. I have
never done oral sex, barely been intimate with anyone on any level. I've
always blamed that I still if with my parents and can't have people over,
and they are very inquisitive about where I go and win and with who.
I'm a terrible liar. But now that I'm about to move into my own
place, I don't have that excuse for much longer. I've been chatting with
two men, both wanting a casual relationship centered around sex. I've become very
good at talking to talk and sexting, and also very good at turning down
booty calls. It's not that I don't want to have sex, but I've
worked myself into a corner of almost performance anxiety, expected to be able to
but don't know what I'm doing. I want to want to, but struggle
when it comes down to doing. One of the men that I'm chatting to
and I have had very open chats about my lack of experience. He's been
very understanding and seemingly for me to learn on him. I've spoken to him
about the anxiety that I have, and he's always understanding and says all the
right things, will go slow, if you don't want to stop or sorry,
says all the right things, and then in parentheses says we'll go slow,
or if you don't want to, I'll stop, etc. I guess
my question is how do I get out of the mindset of I don't know
what I'm doing, so I won't do anything. I'm just like into how
insightful all of these questions are amazing. I'm like, halfway through reading the
question, I'm like, well, and then they say the things yes,
yes, they really answered their own questions in here. Didn't think yeah,
because there are a few things that I wanted to hit like that stuck out
to me, like one about what you feel like in terms of needing to
blame this on and also living with your parents who are very inquisitive about where
you go and who you go with. It's like sounds like there's a lot
of rigidity in your lived experience and a lot of need to like do things
by the book, and so I can imagine that would be really challenging to
get to know yourself autonomously. So I want to acknowledge that. I also
want to say that you also don't need to want to have sex, Like
you said, like you have become very good at sexting and talking the talk,
Like maybe that is what your sexuality looks like. Maybe it doesn't have
to be an end goal of like having sex as some final destination that everybody
should aspire to be at. Like maybe your this is your sexuality. Maybe
you're somewhere on the A spectrum. So because like this built in barrier of
living with your parents is not going to be there anymore, it is okay.
Also, if your quote unquote barrier is just like you don't really want
to that you want to want to, but you know, if you don't
want to kind is just literally okay. I love the way you framed that,
And I hadn't quite gotten there yet that like I don't know, and
maybe this isn't exactly what you're saying, But like, I know so many
people that live with extraordinarily rigid parents and they find a way to fuck they
period, right, And I'm not saying you should have found a way,
But what I'm saying is maybe actually you haven't wanted to write, like,
maybe your parents actually actually aren't the reason, and no shame, Like to
your point, Camille, we don't have to we don't have to assume that
the end goal here is having sex, like physically and in person now kind
of holding that as the possibility, but also sort of looking at an alternative
perspective where maybe you actually really do want to have sex, and you're wondering,
how do I sort of get out of this corner. I feel like
I've put myself in. One thing I'm hearing you say is almost like you
feel like you're tricking people by being so good at sexting, knowing that you're
not going to show up with the same skill level during sex, and you
are not tricking people. Sexting is an art form, period. It is
a skill. You have developed, that skill, you have honed that skill.
You are probably better than most people who have sex physically, and that
is not a trick. That is a gift that you've given to everybody that
you have sexted with, and they have benefited from that. So don't ever
silo that off or say that you've sort of like given a false impression,
because it actually sounds like when it comes down to it and you're having a
conversation with the person you're bringing up, you've been very honest. You've sexted,
and you've also said I'm new to this, and you've actually been received
well. So I think some of the things that I'm hearing are some stories
you're telling yourself, like where you've cast yourself in this role as this sort
of you know vixen who sexts and it gives men the impression you're really good
at sex and then shows up in disappoints when you actually tell your story.
That's not what I hear. I hear somebody that has developed a skill that
they like and are really good at and are now moving on and interested and
curious about other skills that are there to develop, and are having the necessary
conversations to set themselves up for success. I think you're really you're on the
right track. You're validate the experience you do have and give yourself credit for
the honesty that you are sharing with people. Okay, this person says,
Hi, there, thanks for your podcast. I really enjoy it and learn
a lot from it. Oh that's a nice I also have a question I
would love for you to discuss. I am not so good at verbally communicating
what I want and need during sex. I had a conversation about this with
several sexual partners, and what mostly happens is that they say, that's totally
fine. I just need to be sure that you will communicate if you don't
want something or if I accidentally cross a boundary. Then I hear myself saying
yes, of course I'll do that, but I feel like I'm lying.
I get why this is so important for them, but I can't say that
I'm confident that I will communicate this one hundred percent of the time. Sometimes
I am unsure if I like something or I don't. And sometimes I know
I don't like something in the moment, but I just can't get myself to
express that. I am scared, though, that when I tell my sexual
partners this, they're not going to want to have sex with me anymore.
Because I don't want to be in a position where they are unsure whether I
enjoy what they're doing or not. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions on
this? Thank you? What a thoughtful question. It sounds like this person
just like really really values honesty, and I think that I think that what
we're talking about actually is an honesty. At the same time, so you
say that, your partners generally say something like, that's totally fine. I
just need to be sure that you will communicate if you don't want something or
if you accidentally cross the boundary. So I want to take a moment talk
about like why people are saying this to you, right, Like, obviously
they care about you, But often where this like you must tell me if
I cross a boundary, or you must tell me if you don't like something.
Often where that comes from as people's wanting to protect their own sense of
self, right, their sense of self is a good partner. I need
to know that the second you're not sure you're going to tell me, because
that's how I continue to see myself as somebody that values consent. And there's
nothing wrong with that. That's actually a beautiful way to be. But I
think what that misses intentionally or not. Is that sometimes we are neutral about
things. Sometimes we're unsure until we go a little bit further and discover how
we actually feel about it. I think way more often than people talk about
during sex, there are moments where we feel like, huh, I'm curious
about where this is added right, Like there's a there's a difference between I
don't like this, and of course it would be important to communicate that and
oh, I'm interested, I'm leaning in, I'm you know, I've got
the dot dot dot and I'm open to seeing where this takes me and I
don't know yet. And I think a lot of us live there more often
than we talk about. And that's okay, that's not lying. It's not
lying not to speak up. In fact, if you have a type of
desire or experience more responsive desire where context and environment and time makes a difference
and how turned on you are, you're going to be living in that in
between even more. And that's not being dishonest, that's just being a human
being. And I actually think that the people asking these questions, my guess
is that's sort of implicit in their question that they know that, right,
and they're not actually saying any time you're in that place of neutrality or unknowing,
you have to say something. I think what they're really trying to say
is if I'm crossing a line, please tell me. And that's a different
thing. I also think that this person kind of said that they're not so
good at verbally kind of communicating what they want or need during sex. And
I want to offer that you can have different ways of communicating. You can
communicate physically, whether that's you know, like grabbing of a wrist or tapping
or something like that, or you know, being really tuned into facial expressions.
There's a lot of different ways to communicate what you need that that isn't
necessarily verbal. And I think that your question or your kind of curiosity around,
like sometimes you're unsure if you like something. I think, Casey,
you touched on this. It's like that's really common, and we could also
generally like something and then for some reason on that day be kind of like,
oh, I actually don't really fuck with this right now, Like I
don't really like being called a dirty little slut right now whatever it is,
but I usually love it. So I think that it's it's kind of like
there might be a pressure for you to have the blueprint and the formula for
somebody to please you and just like have it all together and written down and
accessible. And I just also want to offer that pleasure really is super expansive
and it can look different at different times. So maybe if you're being hard
on yourself to figure out I like this exclusively, I don't like this exclusively,
and having these things exists in a binary to interrogate that a little bit
and just be like, I generally like some of these things. I generally
like some of these things, but I am exploring and I'm constantly going to
be exploring, So that doesn't mean that there's something defective or wrong with me.
I think that this just holds the ambiguity of sex in general. We're
talking, of course, in the context of sex that is consensual and relationships
that feel safe, and in those contexts, people still sometimes teeter on the
edge of not knowing how they feel about something, and that's okay. It's
like trying a food and taking a few bites to know right how it feels
in your body. It's okay. Absolutely well, thank you everybody for those
questions and getting into that and hearing your thoughts and hearing where you're coming from
and what y'all are going through. So thank everyone who took the time to
submit your questions into us. Yeah, I'll be so curious if anybody thinks
to DMUs about how you experienced this episode versus our shorter form questions. I
think we'll be curious how it lands when y'all had more contacts as listeners too,
so that we can reshape this for seasons going forward. Yeah, and
if anyone your question was answered today and you have any thoughts about what we
said or updates, who goes to us too. This week's Safe Word is
Kangaroo and was submitted from Puro. Safe Word is hosted by Casey Tanner and
Kim Lewis and is produced by coordinator et Townsend. Our theme song is written
and performed by Emma Jane and Tory Rainey. To support the show, please
follow us on Spotify and take a moment right now to give us five stars.
We also love rate reviews on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Every other week we put a question box out on Instagram, giving you
the opportunity to ask for advice on the topic at hand. To submit long
form questions in writing or in your own voice. Go to the safe Word
Pod or Queer Sex Therapy Instagram page and click on our link tree in the
bio to write out longer questions. If anything today made you curious about seeking
support, the Expansive Group has a great team of therapists and mentors to discuss
challenges you might be facing. Go to the Expansivegroup dot com, submit a
contact form and we'll help you get connected. For behind the scenes look at
safe Word and podcasts updates, find us on Instagram at safe Word Pod.
We'll be back in two weeks with a new episode of Safe Word