WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.200 --> 00:00:07.360 I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis, and this is safe word. Safe 2 00:00:07.360 --> 00:00:11.279 word is sex therapy unhinged because instead of being a blank slate that's just here 3 00:00:11.320 --> 00:00:14.320 to support you, we're telling you the details on our own sex lives, 4 00:00:14.359 --> 00:00:18.079 relationships, identities, and more. This isn't sex and it's not therapy, 5 00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:21.600 but we are sex therapists and what you hear today may excite you. Each 6 00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:25.559 week we tackle a theme related to sex, relationships, gender, and more. 7 00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:28.559 This week, we're taking a second to circle back to some of the 8 00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:32.520 longer questions you've asked us this season. We don't have a particular topic at 9 00:00:32.520 --> 00:00:35.799 hand, but we're taking all of the questions in which you told us stories 10 00:00:35.799 --> 00:01:15.400 about your life and asked us for our thoughts. Case he I've missed you. 11 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:18.719 I feel like yesterday did we talk? I feel like we didn't talk, 12 00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:22.439 really spoke a single word, and that is that almost never happens. 13 00:01:22.599 --> 00:01:25.599 That was really rare. I was like toward the end of the day, 14 00:01:25.640 --> 00:01:29.159 I was like, wait, I like opened our G chat and I was 15 00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:34.799 like, hmmm, try to just say something. Sometimes Camille just g chats 16 00:01:34.840 --> 00:01:38.200 me high and I'm like, this could go anywhere from here. It really 17 00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:44.280 because and then I'll be like, oh, I don't want anything, or 18 00:01:44.599 --> 00:01:49.799 Hi, does that the worst thing ever? I feel like that's how you 19 00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:53.920 know that you've really reached like work work wife level is you haven't spoken in 20 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:59.680 a day, You're like, my soul is not complete. I need this. 21 00:02:00.200 --> 00:02:04.159 It truly felt that way. I was like, m I don't know 22 00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:07.560 what's going on. Oh't like this, but how are you? Yeah? 23 00:02:08.199 --> 00:02:13.120 I was just telling etor coordinator before this that I think, for the first 24 00:02:13.159 --> 00:02:16.120 time in years, I'm like, really need to commit to taking a day 25 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:20.039 off where I do not work for a second on that day. And Camille, 26 00:02:20.080 --> 00:02:23.560 I really feel the same about you, and I think maybe we should 27 00:02:23.560 --> 00:02:25.520 even do it on the same day. I don't know, but like we 28 00:02:25.599 --> 00:02:30.360 both need to take a day off. Yeah, I feel burnt out. 29 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:34.919 I feel like you probably feel this way too, Like thirteen hour work days 30 00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:38.919 do not phase me. They just feel like an average Tuesday, and that 31 00:02:38.039 --> 00:02:43.360 is not good. We need to d we need to unde sensitize ourselves to 32 00:02:43.479 --> 00:02:46.879 be workaholics, and I would like to commit to that together. Somehow. 33 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:53.199 I really feel that, like I will really just be on my computer after 34 00:02:53.800 --> 00:02:57.759 meetings and clients and everything for like hours, and I'll be like, you 35 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:00.919 need to put your computer away now it's been yeah, thirteen hours. Easy 36 00:03:01.159 --> 00:03:06.479 yeah, easy, yeah, moment I wake up and in my dreams, 37 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:09.520 so truly, Kamille and I have a lot of dreams about each other. 38 00:03:09.800 --> 00:03:15.960 Yeah, a lot of time, a lot of work dreams. Oh yeah, 39 00:03:15.719 --> 00:03:19.080 you had one, it was, And truly, Camille, your dreams 40 00:03:19.120 --> 00:03:22.680 are clairvoyant, because I don't even think I had told Camille that I was 41 00:03:22.759 --> 00:03:25.879 going to Argentina, and Camille had a dream about me proposing in South America, 42 00:03:25.919 --> 00:03:32.400 and I literally then proposed in South America, Like how yeah, well 43 00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:36.479 my other dream that I forgot I didn't tell you about what I hope is 44 00:03:36.479 --> 00:03:39.639 not clairvoyant. But it was like me, you, Joeanna, and like 45 00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:43.560 a few other people, and we were all in this huge RV with like 46 00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:46.360 eight beds, but we were in the middle of the desert, and I 47 00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:50.080 slept outside in the desert for one night, and then the next night I 48 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:53.319 was like, somebody else got to sleep out there, and I don't know, 49 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:58.280 I feel that did happen? That did that actually did happen? I 50 00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:02.240 did sleep outside? Oh my God, you're right. When we went on 51 00:04:02.319 --> 00:04:06.360 our when we went on a leadership or team retreat last year, we got 52 00:04:06.360 --> 00:04:10.439 to this airbnb in the desert that I thought had five bedrooms, but the 53 00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:15.000 fifth bedroom was actually just a trailer outside, and commute volunteered to sleep there, 54 00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:19.279 and really can't believe it to this don't knowing you then I was like, 55 00:04:19.319 --> 00:04:21.480 Wow, this person like likes to rough it. Knowing you now, 56 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:27.199 I'm like, it makes broth sense to me. I of course, of 57 00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:30.319 course. Now I would never in a million years have let you do that. 58 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:34.240 I've literally literally never been been camping. I don't I am the opposite 59 00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:40.839 of a roughit girl. I don't know that you know. I don't. 60 00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:44.040 I think you know. I am new to the team. You were trying 61 00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:48.480 to be a team player. Chill, go with the flow. That's that's 62 00:04:48.519 --> 00:04:56.879 how people describe me all the time. All right, shall we tackle some 63 00:04:56.959 --> 00:05:01.120 of these longer questions. Yeah, I'm really excited to see and hear I 64 00:05:01.120 --> 00:05:06.360 guess more about what our listeners be going through. All right, listeners, 65 00:05:06.519 --> 00:05:12.399 bear down and prepare for a kind of a long question. This person says, 66 00:05:12.439 --> 00:05:15.040 and first of all, thank you to people who gave us all this 67 00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:18.560 context and share these parts of themselves. This is vulnerable even though they're anonymous. 68 00:05:18.600 --> 00:05:20.720 So thank you, thank you, thank you, yes, thank you. 69 00:05:20.759 --> 00:05:26.800 Oh my gosh, this person says, I am queer. I adore 70 00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:30.000 the ambiguity that comes with that word, and I find so much comfort in 71 00:05:30.040 --> 00:05:32.959 the expanse of opportunities of being queer. I've dated people of all genders, 72 00:05:32.959 --> 00:05:38.040 so queer applies to my sexuality, but my gender as well. I'm pretty 73 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:41.680 fam looking and I'm in a straight passing relationship. My partner is amazing, 74 00:05:41.720 --> 00:05:45.759 but he refers to himself as straight. He's dated queer, mostly by women, 75 00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:48.319 but never a trans or non binary person. I use non binary or 76 00:05:48.360 --> 00:05:51.480 preferably queer, as a label. I know our relationship and our love is 77 00:05:51.560 --> 00:05:55.160 queer because I am queer. Yes, thank god, you know that. 78 00:05:55.240 --> 00:05:59.839 Okay, you've been you've been reading Queer Sex Therapy, right. I can 79 00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:03.240 be or exist in any other way. But he still thinks of himself a 80 00:06:03.319 --> 00:06:06.040 straight. Well, I think he doesn't have a better label, and I 81 00:06:06.040 --> 00:06:09.480 don't need to pressure him to use words that don't feel right for him. 82 00:06:09.519 --> 00:06:13.279 But his being straight feels so invalidating to who I am, even though he 83 00:06:13.399 --> 00:06:16.839 is otherwise never invalidating. He doesn't really use straight anymore to refer to himself, 84 00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:19.600 but in the way that he avoids labels, rather than thinking of any 85 00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:25.519 of the more inclusive or representative ways to refer to his sexuality. We've talked 86 00:06:25.560 --> 00:06:28.720 about it a lot, actually, but it doesn't seem to make progress. 87 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:30.920 I think he feels like he's not gay enough to assume a label that's not 88 00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:34.480 straight, but he has also a few times said that he gets that maybe 89 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:39.000 he's not straight. I think the biggest hangup is, well, what am 90 00:06:39.000 --> 00:06:43.439 I then? And nothing else feels right? That exact ambiguity is what feels 91 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:46.759 sacred to me, but it seems to stop him in his tracks. I 92 00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:49.439 want to encourage him to think expansively, and I know that begins with confronting 93 00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:54.040 things like personal biases, but I'm having trouble figuring out how to ask him 94 00:06:54.079 --> 00:06:58.000 to do that. My end goal is to just feel validated in our relationship 95 00:06:58.040 --> 00:07:01.000 by his language when he talks about us in relation to each other. I'm 96 00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:05.639 asking him to really think deeply about his identity and questioning some deep seated understandings, 97 00:07:05.639 --> 00:07:09.439 which I worry is selfish, but at the same time, it doesn't 98 00:07:09.480 --> 00:07:12.600 feel selfish. I want him to feel embraced by the words he uses for 99 00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:15.199 himself. I lost my question in there, but I guess I'm looking for 100 00:07:15.240 --> 00:07:19.399 advice on how to approach the conversation because I feel like I need his words 101 00:07:19.439 --> 00:07:23.759 to love me like he loves me. And right now it feels like it's 102 00:07:23.800 --> 00:07:27.680 not a limitation in language, but a shortcoming and the use of language that 103 00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:32.839 causes my discomfort. WHOA, I really already love this person. I feel 104 00:07:32.839 --> 00:07:42.399 akin to this person. The existentialism in this question is got me sunk in 105 00:07:43.160 --> 00:07:50.279 like what is language is love? What is? It feels really ah, 106 00:07:50.279 --> 00:07:57.720 it feels really deep um initial thoughts. I actually, toward the end of 107 00:07:57.720 --> 00:08:01.519 this question, this person said I need his words to love me like he 108 00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:07.240 loves me. And I think that that was really important in me understanding where 109 00:08:07.279 --> 00:08:13.279 this person, what the essence of this person is looking for. And it 110 00:08:13.319 --> 00:08:18.399 does to me feel like a shortcoming and I do get like the feeling of 111 00:08:18.680 --> 00:08:24.879 when labels don't fully encapsulate you and your experience and also what does that mean 112 00:08:24.920 --> 00:08:30.040 to be in relationship to each other? Yeah, I mean I think that 113 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:35.720 this person who's asking this question is absolutely not selfish. It's so obvious in 114 00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:39.720 the way that you're talking about this that you're being thoughtful, that you're holding 115 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:43.080 nuance, that you're not labeling anyone is good or bad. All of that 116 00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:46.919 tells me that you're engaged with your partner in a way that seems really loving 117 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:50.840 and compassionate and non judgmental. And Camila, I think you hit the nail 118 00:08:50.840 --> 00:08:54.799 on the head. Like for this person, it sounds like the best way 119 00:08:54.799 --> 00:08:56.320 for them to feel loved, at least in this context, would be if 120 00:08:56.360 --> 00:09:03.240 they felt mirrored back by their partner's language. So I think and feel free 121 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:05.279 to push back on this because I even feel like a little anxiety putting this 122 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:07.519 out there. It's a little bit of a hot take, Yeah, but 123 00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:11.559 I don't feel like it's at all too much to ask. But I do 124 00:09:11.679 --> 00:09:16.320 think at a certain point, after having these conversations, you may have an 125 00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:22.039 answer, at least for now, and that answer is that your partner is 126 00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:24.519 not at a place in their own process where they can give you this. 127 00:09:24.840 --> 00:09:30.360 However, that doesn't mean that there aren't other ways they can represent your identity 128 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:33.159 and show love to you. So hearing about the way that your partner is 129 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:39.279 engaged in this process with you pushing back on his biases, willing to go 130 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:43.120 from claiming the label of straight to pulling back to not using any label at 131 00:09:43.159 --> 00:09:46.879 all. I hear you that that kind of sounds like an avoidance or a 132 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:48.960 cop out, But I think there's also an opportunity to see that as love, 133 00:09:50.519 --> 00:09:54.120 because I don't know what your journey, listener was on getting to a 134 00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:56.519 place where you found the words that work for you. I'm thinking about my 135 00:09:56.519 --> 00:10:01.399 own journey, how it took me years to find queer, and I'm thinking 136 00:10:01.440 --> 00:10:09.799 about your partner's journey and how like no one person outside of ourselves can be 137 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:13.159 the reason that we speed up that process, no matter how much we love 138 00:10:13.240 --> 00:10:16.879 them. And if you trust your partner, and if he loves you, 139 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:18.600 it sounds like he also loves the part of you that thinks this way. 140 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:24.519 I would just invite you to trust that it'll get there. It seems like 141 00:10:24.559 --> 00:10:28.879 it's already on its way, and that investment in the process, I think 142 00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:33.840 is the love that you're looking for. And it's still valid that you're missing 143 00:10:33.879 --> 00:10:41.399 the language. Yeah, I think that your point about having the answer and 144 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:48.879 where he's at be okay, because there has been a shift and somebody can 145 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:54.200 be in process, And so I think that acknowledging that, and it sounds 146 00:10:54.200 --> 00:11:01.519 like you have had a beautiful array of experiences and found an identity and language 147 00:11:01.519 --> 00:11:07.039 that really suits you. And I think offering maybe a bit of empathy and 148 00:11:07.039 --> 00:11:13.200 compassion towards somebody who hasn't arrived there yet. And what does that mean for 149 00:11:13.240 --> 00:11:16.200 you in the interm Like, doesn't mean that the relationship doesn't feel good to 150 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:20.919 you anymore? And what does this piece represent? Like if you have this, 151 00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:26.320 then it is this like a missing piece or kind of like what kind 152 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:31.799 of space can you hold for the process? And it sounds like you've talked 153 00:11:31.799 --> 00:11:35.679 about it a lot. It doesn't sound like he's running from this conversation invalidating 154 00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:43.320 the conversation. So I think I just I agree with what you were saying, 155 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:46.840 Casey, because I don't I don't know that there's like a necessity to 156 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:52.080 rush him through to identify in any particular way, especially when we have acknowledged 157 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:56.080 like the language shortcomings that there are there might not be a word that actually 158 00:11:56.799 --> 00:12:03.399 feels resonant to what he experiences yet. Yeah, yeah, and that you 159 00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:09.360 get to define it and that you kind of have right by not choosing to 160 00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:13.399 engage in either of these labels. Maybe acknowledge that you two have come up 161 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:22.440 with your own understanding, in your own mutual I guess, agreement of what 162 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:26.919 this looks like in your relationship and that it will evolve. Yeah, and 163 00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:31.879 I think in the interim, you know, the question I'd have is do 164 00:12:33.080 --> 00:12:35.879 you feel like he sees that this is painful for you? Because I think 165 00:12:35.919 --> 00:12:41.759 that is something he could give you if he's not already. He can't give 166 00:12:41.799 --> 00:12:46.320 you him identifying exactly the way that you need him to in order to feel 167 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:50.200 loved, but he can give you the I'm working on it. I'm here 168 00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:52.840 with you, and your feelings about it aren't selfish, they're valid, and 169 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:58.240 the pain is real. And it does sound like this person is very capable 170 00:12:58.279 --> 00:13:01.799 of that. Yeah, great question, So good, So good. I 171 00:13:01.799 --> 00:13:09.080 think so many people throw Yeah. Yeah, I just also like, I 172 00:13:09.200 --> 00:13:13.720 just have really good feelings about that relationship me too, don't. I love 173 00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:16.720 Like we talk about it a lot actually, so I'm like, yeah, 174 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:22.120 very Yeah, you're in it, y'all are good doing it. Yeah, 175 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:26.960 let's take a break to hear from our sponsor, Saford Fans know that Kamille 176 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:30.799 and I can't live without our vibrators. Solo sex, partnered sex. Our 177 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:33.799 vibrators are always there, like trusted old friends. 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Use a discount 194 00:14:46.200 --> 00:14:50.960 code safe Word for twenty five percent off of your purchase from Lalo dot com. 195 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:56.879 That's one word safe wo r D at Laylo dot com. Or find 196 00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:01.000 the link for those mind blowing toys in the episode description below or in the 197 00:15:01.039 --> 00:15:07.600 safe Word Instagram link tree. This person says high, commune and casey. 198 00:15:07.799 --> 00:15:11.759 I am a queer, bisexual individual who is socialized as a woman. I'm 199 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:18.399 twenty six and newly practicing polyamory with a kind of relationship anarchy model. I 200 00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:24.600 spent about eight years in serial monogamy with men in a Puritanical Christian evangelical environment 201 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:28.039 with a date for marriage model. I began to live truer to my queerness 202 00:15:28.039 --> 00:15:31.679 in the past couple of years. My anxious attachment has been showing up with 203 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:37.120 some of my new dates. Messaging and personal experience around dating have often made 204 00:15:37.159 --> 00:15:39.679 me feel like I have to be cool and down for anything in the early 205 00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:43.679 stages of dating someone or else I will be undesirable. I know that trust 206 00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:48.679 needs to be built over time, but under this perceived expectation of nonchalance, 207 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:52.240 I often struggled to begin the conversation around my emotional needs with some of the 208 00:15:52.279 --> 00:15:56.240 people that I date. Meanwhile, some of my dates are super communicative from 209 00:15:56.279 --> 00:16:00.720 the get go, which I love, prefer, and embrace. So my 210 00:16:00.799 --> 00:16:03.600 question is this, at what stage of dating a new person is it appropriate 211 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:07.799 to start asking for my emotional needs? And what's some of your advice on 212 00:16:07.919 --> 00:16:14.440 starting that conversation. I love this question. Okay, what I'm hearing in 213 00:16:14.480 --> 00:16:19.279 this is I think something that actually happens for a lot of people who are 214 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:25.960 raised in purity culture, which is the pendulum ends up kind of swinging a 215 00:16:25.960 --> 00:16:30.440 little bit too far in the other direction, and you end up in actually 216 00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:33.600 a very similar dynamic to purity culture, but with different words to describe it, 217 00:16:33.639 --> 00:16:37.360 and like queerer, more liberal words to describe it, so to be 218 00:16:37.440 --> 00:16:41.600 more specific, like likely growing up in purity culture, you also didn't really 219 00:16:41.639 --> 00:16:45.799 feel like you could show up with your emotional needs right off the bat. 220 00:16:45.039 --> 00:16:49.320 You also had some very rigid prescriptions of what you were supposed to be okay 221 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:53.399 with or not okay with early on in the experience. Now, even though 222 00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:56.639 you are no longer in that place, you're in queer culture, there's a 223 00:16:56.679 --> 00:17:00.279 lot of that that's still happening. There's still the sense of rigidity about how 224 00:17:00.279 --> 00:17:03.480 you're supposed to show up at the beginning, the sense that your emotional needs 225 00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:07.599 can't be prioritized. So I do feel like this is sort of the other 226 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:12.079 side of the same coin of trauma, if you will. And that one 227 00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:15.759 thing I would I would be talking about if we were having a longer conversation 228 00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:19.599 about this is what of those muscles that you learned how to flex during Purity 229 00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:25.880 culture are you maybe still flexing just in a different way, because there may 230 00:17:25.880 --> 00:17:30.000 still be some healing that's required there. And I'm not at all saying that 231 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.960 this is your fault or that you haven't done enough work. I think that 232 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:40.000 the queer community can be just as rigid as the evangelical community at its worst. 233 00:17:40.079 --> 00:17:44.160 Right, it's just a different flavor of it. But any relationship in 234 00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:48.880 which you've been made to feel like you cannot share your emotional needs right off 235 00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:52.079 the bat is one that is not free, and it seems like you're a 236 00:17:52.079 --> 00:17:59.039 person that actually is really really going for freedom. I think that's such a 237 00:17:59.079 --> 00:18:03.640 good point of how the pendulum swings and then we end up in thinking about 238 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:07.000 things in this dichotomous way and we're just like on the other side of the 239 00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:10.279 other side of the same coin. I think also I want to speak to 240 00:18:11.079 --> 00:18:15.440 the perceived expectation of nonchalance that this person talked about, of like people kind 241 00:18:15.480 --> 00:18:18.920 of expect me to be down for whatever, like, and so that would 242 00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:25.240 mean that like I'm this cool person and I don't have any needs or I 243 00:18:25.279 --> 00:18:29.559 can just adapt my needs to whoever I'm dating. And so I think that 244 00:18:29.720 --> 00:18:36.920 also even if you practice relationship anarchy, even even if you are polyamorous, 245 00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:41.119 like, there are still boundaries. There's boundaries in all of them. And 246 00:18:41.160 --> 00:18:45.079 I guess that's like the misconception about both of these models is that like you 247 00:18:45.119 --> 00:18:48.000 just don't really care, which is couldn't be further from the truth. I 248 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:52.480 think that it means that you care really intentionally so you do have a lot 249 00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:56.960 more understanding of yourself, and you probably do have a lot of self awareness 250 00:18:57.000 --> 00:19:03.160 with this practice. So I think it's what you said Casey about like emotional 251 00:19:03.240 --> 00:19:08.960 needs right off the bat. That is, I think the best formula for 252 00:19:10.359 --> 00:19:14.799 a timeline of when you should share what those needs are, because the sooner 253 00:19:14.839 --> 00:19:17.559 you share them, the sooner you know if somebody can meet them or if 254 00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:21.839 they can't. And I think that this would prevent you from continuing to gauge 255 00:19:21.880 --> 00:19:26.839 in a relationship that isn't meant for you or can't meet your needs. All 256 00:19:26.920 --> 00:19:30.119 right, This next question says, oh, this next let me try this 257 00:19:30.160 --> 00:19:34.279 again. This next person says, I'm pretty embarrassed about this question. My 258 00:19:34.359 --> 00:19:38.319 partner recently confessed that they've been cheating on me in the past. We're trying 259 00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:41.240 to figure it out and going to therapy, and I can see him trying 260 00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:45.960 to reassure me and being more communicative than he's ever been. But I'm going 261 00:19:45.960 --> 00:19:49.200 through a lot of phases currently. Whenever I masturbate, I can only climax 262 00:19:49.240 --> 00:19:52.440 when I think of him cheating on me. I've always been turned on by 263 00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:56.359 the idea of sneaking around, but I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed by what 264 00:19:56.440 --> 00:20:00.720 he did. After I climax, I feel to disgusted with myself and worried 265 00:20:00.759 --> 00:20:04.160 that I can never make him feel as good and excited as he did when 266 00:20:04.160 --> 00:20:07.960 he cheated on me. Why can I only climax when I think of him 267 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:11.880 doing something that I hated? Will this ever go away? How can I 268 00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:17.759 move forward and not rely on that image to get me off? I love 269 00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:23.400 this question. I'm really glad that you asked this question despite feeling embarrassed. 270 00:20:23.440 --> 00:20:27.680 And I first just want to normalize that something about this feels familiar, like 271 00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:33.160 I've experienced this before, like fantasizing about my partner being with somebody else. 272 00:20:33.240 --> 00:20:36.880 I can't remember if there's cheating involved or not. But and similarly, like 273 00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:41.319 even I think while I was masturbating or sometimes while I was like having sex 274 00:20:41.319 --> 00:20:45.000 with that person, thinking about them having sex with somebody else, and I'd 275 00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:47.119 be like, no, I don't want to think about this. I don't 276 00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:51.640 want to think about this. I think it's really normal. It's also really 277 00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:56.960 convoluted, right, like there is like this part of you that feels turned 278 00:20:56.000 --> 00:21:00.759 on by the idea of sneaking around, and this part of you that feels 279 00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:07.359 really betrayed, and so I think that you are kind of exploring your relationship 280 00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:12.400 to this new dynamic in the relationship, right because the cheating has happened. 281 00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:17.000 So it's kind of like as much as we, I think, when something 282 00:21:17.240 --> 00:21:18.599 hurtful happens, we're like, Okay, I want to just forget it and 283 00:21:18.640 --> 00:21:22.880 move on. It's presenting itself in like your fantasies, and it's like I 284 00:21:22.920 --> 00:21:29.400 can't be forgotten. Yeah, no, I mean all of your thoughts are 285 00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:32.960 bringing up other thoughts for me. But I kind of had a like, 286 00:21:33.240 --> 00:21:37.640 was thinking along the same vein because when you think about dreams, I don't 287 00:21:37.640 --> 00:21:40.519 know about you. I have so many dreams where it's so clear that my 288 00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:45.880 subconscious is working through something and it and often it's something that I don't really 289 00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:48.480 want to think about when I'm not dreaming, right, but my subconscious is 290 00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:51.519 like, well, I got to think about this, I've got to process 291 00:21:51.599 --> 00:21:56.359 this. And sometimes the dreams that make me feel really uncomfortable are still giving 292 00:21:56.359 --> 00:22:00.599 me interesting information and allowing my body and my brain to work through that difficult 293 00:22:00.680 --> 00:22:06.200 or traumatic memory. And I wonder I meant the fantasy state the state, 294 00:22:06.279 --> 00:22:08.599 right, before you reach orgasm. It's all so different from the dream state. 295 00:22:08.920 --> 00:22:14.680 And I do wonder if your subconscious is pulling on something that is trying 296 00:22:14.720 --> 00:22:17.400 to figure out, and it's trying to make sense of, and it's trying 297 00:22:17.440 --> 00:22:18.920 to work through. I think a lot of times when a partner cheats, 298 00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:23.359 we can almost have what I call like a hyper vigilant empathy, which is 299 00:22:23.400 --> 00:22:26.599 sort of obsessing over like what were they feeling at the time, What was 300 00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:30.839 this like for them at the time. I think in part because we believe 301 00:22:30.839 --> 00:22:33.640 if we can hack that and understand that, then then we can make our 302 00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:36.680 world more predictable. We can make it less likely that it will happen again. 303 00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:40.000 Yeah, we can replicate it. We can exact give them what they 304 00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:42.119 felt in that moment so that they never do it again. Yeah. And 305 00:22:42.440 --> 00:22:45.160 you know what, I don't think you, Kamille, or I will will 306 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:49.119 get to any any factual answer about this. But I think maybe what we're 307 00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:56.160 both getting at is like you are processing something through your fantasies and through and 308 00:22:56.240 --> 00:22:59.640 your body is processing it with you. And you said it best, like 309 00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:03.000 you are going through phases. I don't believe this is permanent for you. 310 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:06.880 I really feel that so strongly. This is part of the grieving process, 311 00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:10.759 and I believe that you will move through it if you're not talking about the 312 00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:15.440 cheating other places, when you're not orgasmic, when you're not fantasy, start 313 00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:18.359 doing that, because I think often that's what can create some relief within the 314 00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:22.680 subconscious, to have to bring it up for you. Yeah, our subconscious 315 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:27.000 does often try to tell us things and work through unresolved issues or concerns, 316 00:23:27.039 --> 00:23:30.920 and so it sounds like that might be what's happening here, and I totally 317 00:23:30.920 --> 00:23:33.839 agree this is not. I don't want to imagine this to be a forever 318 00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:37.440 thing for you. I think it's the right now thing and definitely encourage you 319 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:44.720 to be talking about it with your partner. Thanks for sharing. Yeah. 320 00:23:44.759 --> 00:23:48.000 Our next question says I only realize I was bisexual about two years ago. 321 00:23:48.200 --> 00:23:52.359 A year later, and after sexual trauma, I realize that I don't particularly 322 00:23:52.440 --> 00:23:56.880 like penetration ever since I believed myself to be a lesbian until I met this 323 00:23:57.079 --> 00:24:02.519 straight CIS gender man. He has changed all my old perceptions about men, 324 00:24:02.680 --> 00:24:06.559 except for the sex. I told him that I'm not fond of penetration before 325 00:24:06.599 --> 00:24:08.960 we did anything. The next day he told me that it worried him a 326 00:24:10.039 --> 00:24:14.160 bit since it is his favorite aspect. Although it is still early days, 327 00:24:14.279 --> 00:24:17.759 there's no denying that I like him a fair amount and decidedly want to make 328 00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:21.240 it work. I'm just not sure how penetration is really the only thing that 329 00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:25.960 concerns me for a reason, like the depth and thrust triggering pain, getting 330 00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:30.440 dry not long after, I don't think loub helps much, and overload of 331 00:24:30.519 --> 00:24:34.480 friction around the opening hurting. I also receive little to no pleasure from penetration 332 00:24:34.839 --> 00:24:40.000 and can only orgasm from receiving head. I love advice on how to make 333 00:24:40.039 --> 00:24:42.640 this work, or even if I should. I truly like this person and 334 00:24:42.640 --> 00:24:45.559 don't want to give up. But again, he is a man and a 335 00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:53.880 little misguided. Yeah, I think that the capacity for this relationship to work 336 00:24:56.680 --> 00:25:00.599 for me, it would depend heavily on how this man is talking about penetration 337 00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:04.559 with you. If the conversation is like, what is the flavor of his 338 00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:10.000 worry? If the worry is you know, I really I love penetration. 339 00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:11.359 It really matters to me. I'm gonna have to give some thought to what 340 00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:15.480 it would be like for me to be in a long term relationship that doesn't 341 00:25:15.519 --> 00:25:19.039 involve penetration here, your boundary, won't push your boundary, just letting you 342 00:25:19.119 --> 00:25:22.119 know that, Like, I have my own reaction to that boundary that I'm 343 00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:26.640 working through myself, right, Like, that's totally fair, that's a healthy, 344 00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:32.400 valid response. But if it's you know, I'm worried, is there 345 00:25:32.440 --> 00:25:37.920 wiggle room can we shift this? You know, if it's anything that puts 346 00:25:37.960 --> 00:25:42.480 pressure on you to shift your boundary, or anything that makes you feel like 347 00:25:42.599 --> 00:25:45.599 you're the one who's broken, you're the one who's wrong, right, Like, 348 00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:49.599 any of that flavor would be a major red flag for me, because 349 00:25:49.640 --> 00:25:52.519 if this is one boundary, and a very important one that he pushes up 350 00:25:52.559 --> 00:25:56.000 against, it won't be the last one. However, Again, if this 351 00:25:56.079 --> 00:26:00.720 is just a conversation about what it looks like to tackle a discrepancy in the 352 00:26:00.799 --> 00:26:04.119 kind of sex that you like, and both of your desires are being held 353 00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:11.279 to equal and important, are valued equally and importantly, then I do think 354 00:26:11.319 --> 00:26:15.039 it's very possible that this is this is something you can work through. It 355 00:26:15.039 --> 00:26:19.160 will all entirely revolve around the way that the two of you are able to 356 00:26:19.160 --> 00:26:23.920 communicate about this together. I really like what you said, and I was 357 00:26:23.960 --> 00:26:27.920 thinking the same thing about like the flavor of the conversation, like if it 358 00:26:27.920 --> 00:26:33.039 feels like him trying to push against this rather than being curious about it, 359 00:26:33.119 --> 00:26:37.160 I would be really cautious because I think that and you mentioned trauma like this 360 00:26:37.240 --> 00:26:45.079 could feel potentially not super safe. I'm wondering for this person if they if 361 00:26:45.119 --> 00:26:49.000 penetration is something that they are interested in independently of this relationship, because it 362 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:52.799 sounds like there's some pain and discomfort, and I think that there are a 363 00:26:52.799 --> 00:26:56.599 few things that this person might be able to try out if that's the case. 364 00:26:56.720 --> 00:27:02.319 But also to know that aetration does not equal sex. It doesn't make 365 00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:06.640 sex valid or valuable. It is just one of the many components, Like 366 00:27:06.680 --> 00:27:11.160 you said, your orgasm from getting head, So I think that you are 367 00:27:11.240 --> 00:27:14.720 having sex that feels good to you. And I think that the point about 368 00:27:14.839 --> 00:27:19.039 him being a man and misguided is also super important because there is like the 369 00:27:19.160 --> 00:27:26.559 socialization for everyone that penetration is the end all be all makes sex successful or 370 00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:30.920 define sex at all. Expanding the definition of how you see sex and how 371 00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:36.319 he sees sex and being curious about that and having that conversation also acknowledging that 372 00:27:36.359 --> 00:27:41.240 socialization really can take a really stronghold of people. And if he's interested, 373 00:27:41.319 --> 00:27:45.839 curious, and patient, those are good qualities. If he's like yeah, 374 00:27:45.960 --> 00:27:49.640 yeah, yeah, whatever until you say yes, that's a different conversation. 375 00:27:52.039 --> 00:27:56.240 Yeah. And I think I think a lot of people feel like, you 376 00:27:56.279 --> 00:28:00.359 know, having a deal breaker in a relationship because you don't enjoy the same 377 00:28:00.440 --> 00:28:03.279 kind of sex is like, is like two sex obsessed or not? Okay? 378 00:28:03.519 --> 00:28:07.720 And actually think it's totally okay, Like if this is yeah, this 379 00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:10.400 could easily be a deal breaker for either one of you. And as long 380 00:28:10.440 --> 00:28:15.119 as you're communicating that about in a way that is valuing and upholding the other 381 00:28:15.200 --> 00:28:21.039 person's sexuality is valid in its own right, then then it's good. It's 382 00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:26.359 okay. I agree one hundred percent. But one or both of you might 383 00:28:26.359 --> 00:28:29.680 decide like, yeah, this type of sex is really important to me and 384 00:28:29.799 --> 00:28:33.119 I can't get it here, so this won't work. That's a valid reason 385 00:28:34.599 --> 00:28:41.799 to not pursue a relationship. Yeah, right, And and it also sucks, 386 00:28:41.160 --> 00:28:45.920 like it sucks to be in a position where you really like somebody and 387 00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:51.720 they may not be able to to get with what you need sexually. That 388 00:28:51.720 --> 00:28:53.759 that is really hard. It's hard to find somebody you like a lot, 389 00:28:55.359 --> 00:28:59.160 and I can imagine it's really fucking frustrating that this would be the thing. 390 00:28:59.400 --> 00:29:04.720 Yeah, that never feels good, never good. Point listener says, I'm 391 00:29:04.759 --> 00:29:08.680 thirty three in Australian. I am not in a relationship, nor have I 392 00:29:08.680 --> 00:29:12.039 ever been in a relationship. My question is about sex. As I said, 393 00:29:12.039 --> 00:29:15.200 I'm thirty three and I have never had sex with anyone. I have 394 00:29:15.319 --> 00:29:18.920 never done oral sex, barely been intimate with anyone on any level. I've 395 00:29:18.920 --> 00:29:22.039 always blamed that I still if with my parents and can't have people over, 396 00:29:22.079 --> 00:29:26.000 and they are very inquisitive about where I go and win and with who. 397 00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:29.079 I'm a terrible liar. But now that I'm about to move into my own 398 00:29:29.079 --> 00:29:32.240 place, I don't have that excuse for much longer. I've been chatting with 399 00:29:32.279 --> 00:29:36.559 two men, both wanting a casual relationship centered around sex. I've become very 400 00:29:36.599 --> 00:29:40.319 good at talking to talk and sexting, and also very good at turning down 401 00:29:40.400 --> 00:29:42.279 booty calls. It's not that I don't want to have sex, but I've 402 00:29:42.319 --> 00:29:47.839 worked myself into a corner of almost performance anxiety, expected to be able to 403 00:29:47.960 --> 00:29:51.599 but don't know what I'm doing. I want to want to, but struggle 404 00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:53.599 when it comes down to doing. One of the men that I'm chatting to 405 00:29:53.720 --> 00:29:57.400 and I have had very open chats about my lack of experience. He's been 406 00:29:57.480 --> 00:30:03.079 very understanding and seemingly for me to learn on him. I've spoken to him 407 00:30:03.119 --> 00:30:06.480 about the anxiety that I have, and he's always understanding and says all the 408 00:30:06.559 --> 00:30:10.039 right things, will go slow, if you don't want to stop or sorry, 409 00:30:10.519 --> 00:30:14.480 says all the right things, and then in parentheses says we'll go slow, 410 00:30:14.680 --> 00:30:18.200 or if you don't want to, I'll stop, etc. I guess 411 00:30:18.240 --> 00:30:21.720 my question is how do I get out of the mindset of I don't know 412 00:30:21.759 --> 00:30:26.279 what I'm doing, so I won't do anything. I'm just like into how 413 00:30:26.319 --> 00:30:30.680 insightful all of these questions are amazing. I'm like, halfway through reading the 414 00:30:30.759 --> 00:30:33.000 question, I'm like, well, and then they say the things yes, 415 00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:38.839 yes, they really answered their own questions in here. Didn't think yeah, 416 00:30:38.920 --> 00:30:42.279 because there are a few things that I wanted to hit like that stuck out 417 00:30:42.319 --> 00:30:48.519 to me, like one about what you feel like in terms of needing to 418 00:30:48.559 --> 00:30:56.640 blame this on and also living with your parents who are very inquisitive about where 419 00:30:56.680 --> 00:30:59.680 you go and who you go with. It's like sounds like there's a lot 420 00:30:59.720 --> 00:31:04.880 of rigidity in your lived experience and a lot of need to like do things 421 00:31:04.920 --> 00:31:08.079 by the book, and so I can imagine that would be really challenging to 422 00:31:08.119 --> 00:31:14.960 get to know yourself autonomously. So I want to acknowledge that. I also 423 00:31:15.079 --> 00:31:19.400 want to say that you also don't need to want to have sex, Like 424 00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:26.039 you said, like you have become very good at sexting and talking the talk, 425 00:31:26.119 --> 00:31:30.720 Like maybe that is what your sexuality looks like. Maybe it doesn't have 426 00:31:30.759 --> 00:31:37.920 to be an end goal of like having sex as some final destination that everybody 427 00:31:37.960 --> 00:31:41.720 should aspire to be at. Like maybe your this is your sexuality. Maybe 428 00:31:41.759 --> 00:31:45.279 you're somewhere on the A spectrum. So because like this built in barrier of 429 00:31:45.359 --> 00:31:49.480 living with your parents is not going to be there anymore, it is okay. 430 00:31:49.559 --> 00:31:53.759 Also, if your quote unquote barrier is just like you don't really want 431 00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:59.160 to that you want to want to, but you know, if you don't 432 00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:07.279 want to kind is just literally okay. I love the way you framed that, 433 00:32:07.440 --> 00:32:14.319 And I hadn't quite gotten there yet that like I don't know, and 434 00:32:14.359 --> 00:32:16.480 maybe this isn't exactly what you're saying, But like, I know so many 435 00:32:16.519 --> 00:32:22.319 people that live with extraordinarily rigid parents and they find a way to fuck they 436 00:32:22.400 --> 00:32:24.200 period, right, And I'm not saying you should have found a way, 437 00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:29.440 But what I'm saying is maybe actually you haven't wanted to write, like, 438 00:32:29.480 --> 00:32:34.640 maybe your parents actually actually aren't the reason, and no shame, Like to 439 00:32:34.680 --> 00:32:37.319 your point, Camille, we don't have to we don't have to assume that 440 00:32:37.720 --> 00:32:45.119 the end goal here is having sex, like physically and in person now kind 441 00:32:45.160 --> 00:32:49.960 of holding that as the possibility, but also sort of looking at an alternative 442 00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:53.559 perspective where maybe you actually really do want to have sex, and you're wondering, 443 00:32:53.599 --> 00:32:55.559 how do I sort of get out of this corner. I feel like 444 00:32:55.559 --> 00:33:01.119 I've put myself in. One thing I'm hearing you say is almost like you 445 00:33:01.160 --> 00:33:07.200 feel like you're tricking people by being so good at sexting, knowing that you're 446 00:33:07.240 --> 00:33:10.119 not going to show up with the same skill level during sex, and you 447 00:33:10.200 --> 00:33:15.400 are not tricking people. Sexting is an art form, period. It is 448 00:33:15.400 --> 00:33:19.119 a skill. You have developed, that skill, you have honed that skill. 449 00:33:19.240 --> 00:33:22.720 You are probably better than most people who have sex physically, and that 450 00:33:22.960 --> 00:33:27.839 is not a trick. That is a gift that you've given to everybody that 451 00:33:27.880 --> 00:33:30.799 you have sexted with, and they have benefited from that. So don't ever 452 00:33:30.839 --> 00:33:35.559 silo that off or say that you've sort of like given a false impression, 453 00:33:35.720 --> 00:33:37.359 because it actually sounds like when it comes down to it and you're having a 454 00:33:37.359 --> 00:33:42.079 conversation with the person you're bringing up, you've been very honest. You've sexted, 455 00:33:42.119 --> 00:33:45.759 and you've also said I'm new to this, and you've actually been received 456 00:33:45.799 --> 00:33:50.400 well. So I think some of the things that I'm hearing are some stories 457 00:33:50.440 --> 00:33:54.400 you're telling yourself, like where you've cast yourself in this role as this sort 458 00:33:54.440 --> 00:34:00.240 of you know vixen who sexts and it gives men the impression you're really good 459 00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:02.880 at sex and then shows up in disappoints when you actually tell your story. 460 00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:07.280 That's not what I hear. I hear somebody that has developed a skill that 461 00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:12.199 they like and are really good at and are now moving on and interested and 462 00:34:12.239 --> 00:34:15.679 curious about other skills that are there to develop, and are having the necessary 463 00:34:15.719 --> 00:34:20.719 conversations to set themselves up for success. I think you're really you're on the 464 00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:24.039 right track. You're validate the experience you do have and give yourself credit for 465 00:34:24.079 --> 00:34:30.679 the honesty that you are sharing with people. Okay, this person says, 466 00:34:30.760 --> 00:34:35.119 Hi, there, thanks for your podcast. I really enjoy it and learn 467 00:34:35.159 --> 00:34:37.559 a lot from it. Oh that's a nice I also have a question I 468 00:34:37.599 --> 00:34:42.199 would love for you to discuss. I am not so good at verbally communicating 469 00:34:42.239 --> 00:34:45.119 what I want and need during sex. I had a conversation about this with 470 00:34:45.239 --> 00:34:51.480 several sexual partners, and what mostly happens is that they say, that's totally 471 00:34:51.480 --> 00:34:53.480 fine. I just need to be sure that you will communicate if you don't 472 00:34:53.480 --> 00:34:58.880 want something or if I accidentally cross a boundary. Then I hear myself saying 473 00:34:59.320 --> 00:35:01.800 yes, of course I'll do that, but I feel like I'm lying. 474 00:35:02.320 --> 00:35:05.840 I get why this is so important for them, but I can't say that 475 00:35:05.880 --> 00:35:09.000 I'm confident that I will communicate this one hundred percent of the time. Sometimes 476 00:35:09.039 --> 00:35:13.679 I am unsure if I like something or I don't. And sometimes I know 477 00:35:13.760 --> 00:35:15.800 I don't like something in the moment, but I just can't get myself to 478 00:35:15.840 --> 00:35:20.039 express that. I am scared, though, that when I tell my sexual 479 00:35:20.079 --> 00:35:22.760 partners this, they're not going to want to have sex with me anymore. 480 00:35:22.039 --> 00:35:25.039 Because I don't want to be in a position where they are unsure whether I 481 00:35:25.119 --> 00:35:29.400 enjoy what they're doing or not. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions on 482 00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:32.000 this? Thank you? What a thoughtful question. It sounds like this person 483 00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:37.280 just like really really values honesty, and I think that I think that what 484 00:35:37.320 --> 00:35:42.960 we're talking about actually is an honesty. At the same time, so you 485 00:35:43.440 --> 00:35:45.840 say that, your partners generally say something like, that's totally fine. I 486 00:35:45.920 --> 00:35:50.519 just need to be sure that you will communicate if you don't want something or 487 00:35:50.559 --> 00:35:52.119 if you accidentally cross the boundary. So I want to take a moment talk 488 00:35:52.119 --> 00:35:55.880 about like why people are saying this to you, right, Like, obviously 489 00:35:57.119 --> 00:36:00.360 they care about you, But often where this like you must tell me if 490 00:36:00.360 --> 00:36:04.840 I cross a boundary, or you must tell me if you don't like something. 491 00:36:05.199 --> 00:36:07.800 Often where that comes from as people's wanting to protect their own sense of 492 00:36:07.800 --> 00:36:10.480 self, right, their sense of self is a good partner. I need 493 00:36:10.519 --> 00:36:15.760 to know that the second you're not sure you're going to tell me, because 494 00:36:15.760 --> 00:36:19.800 that's how I continue to see myself as somebody that values consent. And there's 495 00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:22.920 nothing wrong with that. That's actually a beautiful way to be. But I 496 00:36:22.920 --> 00:36:28.760 think what that misses intentionally or not. Is that sometimes we are neutral about 497 00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:34.039 things. Sometimes we're unsure until we go a little bit further and discover how 498 00:36:34.079 --> 00:36:37.280 we actually feel about it. I think way more often than people talk about 499 00:36:37.679 --> 00:36:43.039 during sex, there are moments where we feel like, huh, I'm curious 500 00:36:43.079 --> 00:36:46.440 about where this is added right, Like there's a there's a difference between I 501 00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:51.880 don't like this, and of course it would be important to communicate that and 502 00:36:52.239 --> 00:36:57.400 oh, I'm interested, I'm leaning in, I'm you know, I've got 503 00:36:57.440 --> 00:37:00.440 the dot dot dot and I'm open to seeing where this takes me and I 504 00:37:00.480 --> 00:37:02.239 don't know yet. And I think a lot of us live there more often 505 00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:06.119 than we talk about. And that's okay, that's not lying. It's not 506 00:37:06.239 --> 00:37:08.440 lying not to speak up. In fact, if you have a type of 507 00:37:08.480 --> 00:37:15.159 desire or experience more responsive desire where context and environment and time makes a difference 508 00:37:15.199 --> 00:37:16.639 and how turned on you are, you're going to be living in that in 509 00:37:16.679 --> 00:37:22.199 between even more. And that's not being dishonest, that's just being a human 510 00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:25.840 being. And I actually think that the people asking these questions, my guess 511 00:37:25.920 --> 00:37:30.400 is that's sort of implicit in their question that they know that, right, 512 00:37:30.400 --> 00:37:35.079 and they're not actually saying any time you're in that place of neutrality or unknowing, 513 00:37:35.119 --> 00:37:37.760 you have to say something. I think what they're really trying to say 514 00:37:37.880 --> 00:37:43.280 is if I'm crossing a line, please tell me. And that's a different 515 00:37:43.280 --> 00:37:46.119 thing. I also think that this person kind of said that they're not so 516 00:37:46.159 --> 00:37:52.039 good at verbally kind of communicating what they want or need during sex. And 517 00:37:52.320 --> 00:37:54.760 I want to offer that you can have different ways of communicating. You can 518 00:37:54.760 --> 00:38:00.559 communicate physically, whether that's you know, like grabbing of a wrist or tapping 519 00:38:00.639 --> 00:38:05.800 or something like that, or you know, being really tuned into facial expressions. 520 00:38:05.800 --> 00:38:10.239 There's a lot of different ways to communicate what you need that that isn't 521 00:38:10.239 --> 00:38:15.400 necessarily verbal. And I think that your question or your kind of curiosity around, 522 00:38:15.400 --> 00:38:17.719 like sometimes you're unsure if you like something. I think, Casey, 523 00:38:17.760 --> 00:38:22.480 you touched on this. It's like that's really common, and we could also 524 00:38:22.480 --> 00:38:28.800 generally like something and then for some reason on that day be kind of like, 525 00:38:28.800 --> 00:38:30.400 oh, I actually don't really fuck with this right now, Like I 526 00:38:30.440 --> 00:38:34.400 don't really like being called a dirty little slut right now whatever it is, 527 00:38:34.400 --> 00:38:37.880 but I usually love it. So I think that it's it's kind of like 528 00:38:39.039 --> 00:38:45.679 there might be a pressure for you to have the blueprint and the formula for 529 00:38:45.719 --> 00:38:50.559 somebody to please you and just like have it all together and written down and 530 00:38:51.039 --> 00:38:57.039 accessible. And I just also want to offer that pleasure really is super expansive 531 00:38:57.119 --> 00:39:00.480 and it can look different at different times. So maybe if you're being hard 532 00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:05.840 on yourself to figure out I like this exclusively, I don't like this exclusively, 533 00:39:05.840 --> 00:39:08.719 and having these things exists in a binary to interrogate that a little bit 534 00:39:08.719 --> 00:39:14.119 and just be like, I generally like some of these things. I generally 535 00:39:14.159 --> 00:39:17.599 like some of these things, but I am exploring and I'm constantly going to 536 00:39:17.639 --> 00:39:22.159 be exploring, So that doesn't mean that there's something defective or wrong with me. 537 00:39:22.360 --> 00:39:28.599 I think that this just holds the ambiguity of sex in general. We're 538 00:39:28.679 --> 00:39:32.480 talking, of course, in the context of sex that is consensual and relationships 539 00:39:32.519 --> 00:39:38.400 that feel safe, and in those contexts, people still sometimes teeter on the 540 00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:42.960 edge of not knowing how they feel about something, and that's okay. It's 541 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:47.079 like trying a food and taking a few bites to know right how it feels 542 00:39:47.079 --> 00:39:52.760 in your body. It's okay. Absolutely well, thank you everybody for those 543 00:39:52.840 --> 00:40:00.480 questions and getting into that and hearing your thoughts and hearing where you're coming from 544 00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:02.559 and what y'all are going through. So thank everyone who took the time to 545 00:40:02.599 --> 00:40:07.800 submit your questions into us. Yeah, I'll be so curious if anybody thinks 546 00:40:07.840 --> 00:40:12.239 to DMUs about how you experienced this episode versus our shorter form questions. I 547 00:40:12.280 --> 00:40:15.440 think we'll be curious how it lands when y'all had more contacts as listeners too, 548 00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:20.800 so that we can reshape this for seasons going forward. Yeah, and 549 00:40:21.000 --> 00:40:24.960 if anyone your question was answered today and you have any thoughts about what we 550 00:40:25.079 --> 00:40:36.119 said or updates, who goes to us too. This week's Safe Word is 551 00:40:36.239 --> 00:40:39.840 Kangaroo and was submitted from Puro. Safe Word is hosted by Casey Tanner and 552 00:40:39.920 --> 00:40:45.119 Kim Lewis and is produced by coordinator et Townsend. Our theme song is written 553 00:40:45.119 --> 00:40:47.519 and performed by Emma Jane and Tory Rainey. To support the show, please 554 00:40:47.519 --> 00:40:51.760 follow us on Spotify and take a moment right now to give us five stars. 555 00:40:52.079 --> 00:40:55.440 We also love rate reviews on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. 556 00:40:57.159 --> 00:41:00.280 Every other week we put a question box out on Instagram, giving you 557 00:41:00.320 --> 00:41:04.800 the opportunity to ask for advice on the topic at hand. To submit long 558 00:41:04.840 --> 00:41:07.320 form questions in writing or in your own voice. Go to the safe Word 559 00:41:07.320 --> 00:41:12.719 Pod or Queer Sex Therapy Instagram page and click on our link tree in the 560 00:41:12.760 --> 00:41:16.639 bio to write out longer questions. If anything today made you curious about seeking 561 00:41:16.679 --> 00:41:21.199 support, the Expansive Group has a great team of therapists and mentors to discuss 562 00:41:21.280 --> 00:41:23.840 challenges you might be facing. Go to the Expansivegroup dot com, submit a 563 00:41:23.880 --> 00:41:28.239 contact form and we'll help you get connected. For behind the scenes look at 564 00:41:28.239 --> 00:41:31.000 safe Word and podcasts updates, find us on Instagram at safe Word Pod. 565 00:41:31.119 --> 00:41:35.079 We'll be back in two weeks with a new episode of Safe Word