Hey everybody, and welcome to the final episode of Chronicles of Calamity, the
Authors in Dragons campaign that started seven and a half years ago. We're going
to roll right into the episode, but I did want to mention that although
this is ending, the Authors in Dragons, games and fun will keep going,
including Authors in Dragons Cohn coming in August in Portland of twenty twenty three.
We've got some amazing guests confirmed already, including Matt Deneman of Dungeon Crawler,
Carl Amy landon of many series including My own Villains, Code and act
Us, author of the series My Best Friend is an Eldridge Monster. That's
including our of course usual cast and crew and all the fun wonderful people who
make it such an outstanding con every year. So we really hope you can
come out and join us. Sure to grab your tickets at Authors and Dragons
dot com. We've got a con button right up there. There's a link
to get tickets and a link to book your hotel at the discounted rate,
which does only have so many rooms, so be sure to grab those while
they are available. All right, that is enough con info. Let's go
into the final episode of Chronicles of calamity m Hey everybody, I'm John Hartness,
and for one last time, I'll be playing the role of fan Dingo,
the fantastical bart of all Trades and master of Baiting. In real life,
I write multiple series including Quincy Harker, Demon Hunter, Baba the Monster
Hunter, and the Black Knight Chronicles. And I am the co founder and
publisher of Falstaff Books. Am Joseph Brassy. I play the role of Jorg
Bjornson, enthusiastic and violent part positive masculinity barbarian one last time. In real
life, I am the author of my novels Skyfair and Dragon Road, which
can be found anywhere books are sold. And I am the author of the
non existent Hamlet fan fiction alas Poor Joric. I knew him intimately sexually.
Hey everyone, my name is Rick Quill Tierri and give me your tongues,
you godless bastards. Sorry. Oh wow, I've definitely been doing this for
too long anyway. In real life, I play well no no. In
real life, I write such things as Bill of the Dead, Tone of
Bill Tales, It a Crypto Hunter, and more. Go check it out,
friends. My name is Robert Bevan. I play the role of Klaus
Richter, the notorious Rogue. In real life, I write The Coverts,
a creature series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories, starting with the first
book, Critical Failures, as well as many of the books in the Shingles
series. Go buy them. Hey, dad, my name is Steve Weverll,
and I play Brandon Phimasta, sexually attractive monk and almost suddenly your hero.
In real life, I write such books as to Doomsay, a Journeys
and Shoot the Dead and the totally legend of Brandon Phimasta. Could check him
out on the Internet. Hey everybody, I am Drew Hayes, proud dungeon
Master of this wonderful game. And in real life I write books such as
Superpowers, Fred, the Vampire Accountant, NPCs, and The Villain's Code.
And when last we left our intrepid adventurers, they had fought their way onto
an island to take a magic water tunnel down to the d deep depths where
only Aboliths and other similar aquatic monsters can dwell. They spin down through the
water, churning and burning, and uh, We're gonna go ahead and do
a fresh round of initiative. And while we're doing that. I would also
like you also let me know, uh, how you breathing? Good?
Question poorly? Um, I believe has a potion of water breathing. I
don't want to say I looked up the rules for drowning, but I looked
up the rules for drowning. Cool. So this campaign ends very early as
much as it began falling into Oh here, let me let me unungmler y'all's
tokens so you can um, oh, actually here. We'll do this on
the new map, because if I don't, the turns won't track over.
We learned that last time. Fendingo has two postions of water breathing, so
I can give one if to someone if any of my friends are bigger idiots
than normal. All right, your rolls in eleven, Brandon rolls in nine,
Fendingo rolls a twenty four. Oh thank god, I've got two potions
of war breathing. I have. I have to on my own. Yes,
I honestly couldn't remember how many of you had thought to buy potions of
water breathing at this point. I know I had at least two left over,
but fast dying this because I'd come in late. I was rolling up
my character and thought I should definitely put like some points into swimming or something,
right. I don't know, man, it sounds like some nerd shit.
Brandon thigh Master a nerd Brandon nerd Master drownings for whimps. Okay,
so does everybody either have a potion of water breathing or access to one from
a friend? Yeah, I'm good, and I've got to spare. It's
good because I don't know how you communicate. Actually, guys, I could
use a portion of war breathing whilst you're under war. I think it's pretty
easy. There's just draft, all right. You are riding the thing down.
You cannot do anything in the current because your arms. I mean you're
you're in a blasting current that shoots you down and it spits you out in
a underwater area. Go ahead, and you have an action if you'd like
to, you know, chug some water breathing. But I definitely want perceptions
from everybody. Hip we go your rolls at twenty three random firemaster rolls at
twenty two, Fendingo roles A twenty eight. Oh you sure, well,
I mean it wasn't at twenty There we go my perception wasn't at twenty.
So I see, I can see everything. Oh, I see the taint
of God. Oh my god, it's turtles all the way down. I
mean you are underwater. That's not fully wrong. And then we had Klaus
got a nineteen. So you guys are blasted out into an underwater area.
However, you can all notice that it is not quite the deep ocean.
There is a magical barrier separating you from the wider ocean. It is basically
everywhere that's not on this map. What a convenient layout. So you can
see in the deeper oceans silas nothing. You see nothing in the deep ocean.
You get just the general layout that there's a seafloor, a few statues,
and a big old glowing thing in the center. The next up is
Klaus, who with a nineteen is able to see that there are several holes
ripped into the ground all around the sea. The three statues are sending beams
of energy while radiating magical auras as they all kind of converge into this central
point, and out in the greater ocean there are massive abbolith shapes swimming about.
Now. Next up is Brandon and Bjorg with their ones that are over
twenty. You can see that the Abolis appear to be running. There's a
fight going on with some of the Aboliths that appear to have been mind taken
over and are getting used as pawns to attack their other ablith kin And and
then of course you see one with a top hat kind of leading the charge.
Now, I baby run, but I think the Abli with a top
hat is probably promec Fies certainly possible. I mean it's at least in contentions
as an option I'll waive. Or maybe it's another Abolith masquerading as promegtheus to
trick us. Oh man, that would be embarrassing. I just waved it.
It could be and then fendingo with your natural twenty you can see the
center of this magical circle. You can see there is another hole ripped in
the ground, just like the others, but within this one there is a
golden door with what appears to be a gigantic abbleth carved into the edifice.
Guys, there's like a door that looks like it's an abolith bathroom or something
like Abolith's only shitter. I don't know, abblathroom. Yeah, it's like
an abalathroom, and these statues are like sending I don't know, man,
are we supposed to keep the abb lathroom door closed or are we supposed to
open it up? Because all these aboliths are only mean because they all need
to poop real bad. I mean that can give you a migraine. I'm
pretty sure it's not about pooping. I mean, pooping is important. Right
about then, as Finnego has finished his perception, you all hear a familiar
voice telepathically radiating into your heads just in time. It appears the abolists have
found the seal to their hive king. I don't like that word. It
is not a good thing. That basically, I think super abb lith that's
sort of like the the greater version that controls and empowers all of these sealing
That one is what's made them lesser as a whole easy it's a whole fascinating
back store you skipped over in Genternome. But so are these statues pointing zappy
stuff at the seal to open it or to keep it closed. They were
set up by the agents of the abolith The barrier keeps the Aboliths themselves out,
so they have hired mercenaries to break open the seal. So we need
to blow up the statues, is what I'm hearing. The statues are tied
to the mercenaries themselves. They must be beaten. It's lain before the magic
will halt. Where are they kill them? They are in there with you.
That's easy. We have a bjor well, this seems like a good
time for fending. Go to chalk a potion of water breathing and hold one
up and kind of shake it in the general direction of anyone who looks like
they're fucking drowning. All right, has chugged a potion of water breathing and
tossed one into the open water for anyone else to grab. Silas Ricker,
you muted or yes? Yes, no, no, that was that was
me hitting a hitting you while I was Yeah, no, that was me
trying to talk underwater. Yes, I too chug chug a potion of of
water breathing. Um. But that's an action that still it leaves leaves.
Move a move right, Uh sure, all right, and I will start
to spread out to about here. All right. I remember that you are
using your swim speed, um, not your move speed, but swim speed.
I believe swim speed is your move speed half Yep, that's still only
three. Okay, I'm just reminding everyone about the cool map to rain move
at half speed. Yeah, there we go. So it's just gonna like
do to those of us who actually like you know, don't. I don't
know fire projectiles, I don't know. At no point did you guys ever
consider that the able fight might be an underwater fight. I considered it,
But fireball still blows up underwater, so I think don't care. My rules
is written, those still work normally underwater. I don't think they work normally.
I think they work with disadvantage. But let me double check that ranged
weapon attacks with disadvantage underwater unless the weapon is a crossbow, a net,
a dart, a javelin, a spear, a trident, or a throne
weapon. The throne weapon seems like bullshit to me, but whatever, all
right? Uh Klaus um? Yeah? Well, Klaus has two potions of
water breathing, but as long as Fandango is offering, I'll drink his.
That's the most rogue thing you've done in seven years, I approve, all
right. Class has chugged a water breathing potion, all right, or will
also chug a water breathing potion. Um, and I'm going to move fifteen
feet, nineteen feet what's your what's your moose party? Then you've got twenty
Okay, I'll move out here so that I can basically hopefully draw attention slash
protect the group out front. And I like it when the big guy just
steps in front of me so it doesn't look like I'm hiding behind him,
even though I'm totally hiding behind him. And does a seventeen hit you?
Byorg? Does a seventeen hit me? Uh? Yeah? Neat speeds from
within the hole that you stopped within five feet of undulating tentacles come whipping out
and slam against you. Awesome for twenty three damage. Well that was about
max damage for them. Cool. And I will leave those tentacles out.
No, no, oh, maybe you'll forget and then they slither back into
the hole. Well, I've found some enemies. Did you kill him yet?
Brandon? THI master, don't go into the holes. Don't go near
the Hole's chick. That's kind of like Brandon's whole thing. He doesn't ever
go near the hole. He's gonna be this far. Just imagining Fan Dingo
with a bead of sweat going down. Okay, so we've basically found the
brandon Fi master of Abelifts. We need to make sure he is not unleashed
onto the world. I get it. Given the instructions we were just received
or the advice we just received, nobody tells me what to do. I'm
gonna follow Silas back him up. Are you gonna do anything with a water
breathing? Oh no, I'm just gonna challenge to crushing depths. Alrighty,
gonna drink a gotta drink a passion of war breathing as I bob along the
seabed bed knobs and broomsticks. All right, this could be like a really
frettening, crushing dark environment, or it could be like bed knobs and broomsticks.
That's up to listeners to decide in the fature of their mind. All
right. And as you go to there, you Silas and Bjorg can all
see. And I'm just gonna give it to you because it is not subtle.
Um over or where this hole in the seabed is, you see a
pair of scaly green hands grab hold and pull itself up as a green slod
who is glowing with a hue that matches the statues appears said you'd be coming.
I'm assuming you're not Key Who's who's the perfectly normal flod Yeah? Yeah
fuck that guy? O? Well fuck you then? Yeah, how about
you? Keith was an okay dude. I'm I'm more like, you know,
more worried about what he's what he said that like, you know,
they said you'd becoming I like throw side eye at the clause. Um,
all right, and uh everybody, actually no, honestly, the big glowing
ass magic circle is going to block this for everybody except Brandon and Silas,
who can see to the northern parts. Uh. Out of another hole comes
galloping, Oh, a smaller version of an old friend. Uh, you
motherfucker. Despite y'all being underwater, there is a flaming horse that tosses its
head. It's a thing you once bore to master. This hatitle s shelters
you in ash. How's the horse talking underwater? I've gotta be honest.
I thought about bringing back the demon horse, but at this point he's kind
of too big of a deal for you guys. It's a demon horse.
Minion. Yeah, yeah, you guys, get the minion. Oh man,
Well, demon horse has really moved on to bigger and better ship.
Well, it's okay, we'll fight the demon Horse at the convention game.
Yeah, you gotta, you gotta leave some tantalizing crumbs for the future.
He can't even send the actual demon horse. Get back on your hole,
posa. All right. They used their turns emerging from the holes, so
fen dingo, it is your turn. All right. I'm gonna start with
a little bit of movement just to get out of Gordon's way so he can
more effectively enter combat if I move, If I move ten feet to the
west, will I still have a line of sight on the slot? I
don't know how tall this. We're cooling him not keep No, you don't
have a line of sight on him any to start with, because you're getting
blocked by the statue thing. Okay, this is a whole giant raised platform,
but br so you'll have to you would have to move east in order
to get line of sight on the slot or straightforward or straightforward? Yeah,
I can just take my fifteen feet and move up here next. That'll do
it perfectly, all right. Then I'll cast Melf's minute meteors, which will
surround me with You can't just make shit up this late in the game,
cha it surrounds my head with six tiny meteors. They float in the air
and orbit me for the spell's duration when I cast it, and as a
bonus action on each of my it turns. Thereafter, I can expend one
or two of the meteors, sending them streaking toward a point or points I
choose within a hundred feet of me. So I'll use my action to cast
the spell, and then I will send one streaking at not Keith as a
bonus action, and he can save, or he can do a deck save
with a DC of seventeen or take seven damage. All right? Did the
deck save of seventeen? Yes? Okay, don't let me get his stats
and he will go for the role. I'm gonna need you to back me
up here, a big guy. Dexterity is a twelve, so does not
make the save. What's the damage? Seven fire? Let me double check?
Yes, seven fire damage? All right? The meteor blasts into into
not Keith. However, you do feel like it not do as much damage
as it probably should have. Fire sucks underwater, guys, But I kind
of only have the one gimmick, so just putting that out there, Roman
knowledge ar kana bending out right, Well, no fendingo about to find out
he has a new gimmick all this time fourteen. You know that non magical
water shouldn't dampen magical fire, So it's more likely an issue with the target
than the environments. It might just be that green things don't take fire damage.
I think that's where we are. I think that's what's going on is
if it was a normal colored slod, it would burn like a bitch.
But because it's green, it fire doesn't do the job. Just putting that
out there, man, I wish Keith was here, he could ask them
answer some perfectly normal questions about slots. I wish that big robot was down
here, because well, then the green nasty thing would go after the robot,
not me. Oh, where fire does not work, swords will suffice.
Well, it's Silas's turn, and he likes swords at the end of
wood, so tiny swords. But what is an arrow but a tiny sword
on the end of a piece of wood. Well, let me let me
ask a question. First. Am I wrong in assuming that slots are kind
of aquaticum? Shockingly? I don't know if you know, give me a
give me a knowledge nature. I would say it's a department the ocean,
But then so is that horse. It's very confusing for fourteen. Um,
you know that slots are aberrations by nature, not um, not really from
like a swamp environment. Well regardless, UM, I will try to use
my tried in a fish command on him, because if he has an innate
swim speed, I can use it. Okay, it does not work.
I'm honestly just as shocked as you are. It's it's it seems crazy,
but slots don't get any sort of swim speed. They can't even breathe underwater.
Just gonna wave that folk around, now, you, Silas, Good
for you. You know Brandon kind of has an innate swim speed. After
all these years, he's finally stopped using a cowards weapon. Yeah it just
wave your slot folk around, man, all right? Um anything, did
you want to use your movement? Um? What I'll what I'll do is
uh, I guess I guess taking out another potion is in action, right,
Yeah, potions are in action, all right, So i'll uh,
I'll move here, all right. Silas waves his tridents around and moves Klaus.
All right, speaking of a cowards weapon, I shall move onto.
Um I can see the slod corrects, gonna gets cook out there. Uh
yeah, you have line of sight on the slod. All right, two
crossbows, I have no reason to have sneak attack. So just regular sharp
shooter all right. And for some reason, crossbow does not take any disadvantage
penalties underwater, so you shoot as normal. Yeah, once again, class's
streak of competence continues. All right. Uh that's twenty three, twenty three,
will definitely hit for twenty five damage nine and natural twenty fuck yeah,
whoa, that's double net twenties. If only that still I mean, actually
go and roll another twenty. If you get triple twenties, you always like
kill same as the triple net ones. So just twenty seventeen still pretty good?
Still cool? All right? Um? So all right for the the
Krypt damage, like the damage has fourteen plus one? Is that plus one
the Krypt damage or what it is? You just get your damage dice again,
which is a dcent. Okay, So fourteen plus one's fifteen plus ten
is twenty five, so fifty total. Yes, Klaus snaps off a pair
of crossbow bolts that dig deep into the sloths flesh um and are not stopped
the way the fire was definitely not not looking happy about that. As slot
blood begins leaking out into the water, Klaus just passes both his nipples.
I say, it's a silence. Where are you going to silence? You
have a fork. There's a green salad over there. No nothing, Thank
you, Thanks Steve. I was waiting for somebody to make the salad joke.
So all right, so I think everybody except Brandon and maybe Clouds.
Let me check. Now you can do it. Okay, you have it.
Everybody except Brandon and Gordon will have a line of sight to this hole
in the seafloor, where a familiar voice emanates before a body begins floating into
view. I'm so so happy you did actually cut. I've been down here
for quite a while. They didn't even have to offer me anything, just
a chance to cut your throats as the familiar form. I gotta say,
who could this could be so many people? To be fair, I haven't
come yet, including most of our allies. The fun facts about devils they
don't really die, Oh mother, go back to Hell and they can come
back. Holy shit, you still suck sorry, who are you after all
this time? Cloak boys still a twat? Oh are we supposed to remember
this guy that's up to you wall look Munroe right, yea, No,
that's the guy who led us all around the woods and then got pissed off
and Bjorg killed him with one fucking punch. You're back for more less rock.
You're always gonna just look at cloak Boy and go like, oh,
I guess I have to kill you again, like a little bit, yeah,
krit head round the world man, the guy that led us through the
woods. I take a closer look, Uncle Terry, all right, and
uh, Cloakboy, unlike the others, is going to just launch an attack.
He's not crawling up only for his turn, because well he knows you
assholes. He's hurling flame at Silas, but I don't think a fourteen is
gonna hit yepe that is so effective as it was last time. He conjures
flame and hurls it where it missus Silas pretty handily. He too is glowing
like the like the statues. All right, Bjorg, all right, Oh,
choices choices take on? Go attack cloak Boy or attack the fucking slod
attack the threat which is instant Cloakboy, he just wants attentions. Yeah,
I go toss the salad over here. Georgy looks at Cloickboy and goes,
I'll get to you in time, and then he is going to can I
can I make that? Let's see here, I have twenty feet you said
you have, Yeah, twenty feet, okay, I can get to hear,
but I can't attack unless you have anything that grants you swimming speed,
in which case you have your full or you have boots of water walking.
They do shit. I would heavily recommending its activating those right now. No,
no, no, not activating them. York shoots up out of the
magical barrier, right into the crushing. I guess I'm gonna make my way
over towards the slod. I can't get there yet, but I can fire
crossbow. I'm gonna fire a heavy crossbow that's a twenty, all right,
twenty will hit six piercing damage. And I think entering rage is a free
action for bonus action. I believe it is. Yeah, yeah, at
your level, it's certainly entering a rage. Ancestors, all right, Brandon
thigh Master, I believe I a key point full step at a wind,
I can take a dash as a bonus action. With my swim speed,
I can easily get to whoever this angry person is. Let's say, look,
boy wearing a cloak. I don't know who you are or why you've
got such a bad at tea, but you can't just throw fire at people.
And as I took a bonus action, I still get my two attacks.
So I will strike twice four biff, biff, eighteen and fifteen.
The eighteen will hit, the fifteen will not well. Sixteen bludgeoning damage.
All right, and you are at the point where your attacks are magical,
correct, Yeah, my unarmed strikes have been magical for sometime. Now,
all right, you land a hit, kind of shake slightly and smiles in
a very unthreatening way. It is still only cloak boy, that's smile when
I hate you. That's made this wet. And Gordon has an actual swim
speed, so he will I can control him. He's a sea snake.
Swim over to try and help Borg, although he too will need another round.
All right. The slod is there, Borg gear close enough that you
can notice this, Uh, some of the Slod's wounds stitch back up.
Oh, boy, hey, hey, hey, hey, we weren't hard
for it though, not cool man, not cool. It cut out,
Stop that dick. It's a dick. Move stop it arrows cost money,
all right? Um, But the slod well five foot towards you, Bjorg,
and it will unleash a multi attack. It will you will get one
bite and uh two hits from its staff. So first bite twenty three,
I'm gonna assume that hits you. Staff of twenty four and nineteen all of
those hid all right, ten nineteen or sorry, ten twelve and eight,
So thirty damage. But you raged very wisely right before this. Yeah,
so that's fifteen total. Fifteen total. As the slot, yeah, do
you heal too? Do you heal too? I don't need to, you
a little bitch. And if he needs to, he's got me. Yeah,
suck it. Power of friendship slot friendship is magic and so on my
hands, all right. And after the slot, the uh the Nightmare Harold
is up an initiative and it can dash to uh rush against Brandon. I
don't know why I lost the name for a second there, good lord,
the horse's name is Harold. It's the Harold of the Nightmare. Yeah,
alright, so harold the horse fire here, all right, So you take
two hoof attacks Brandon twenty six and A twelve twenty six will hit fourteen bludgeoning
and four fired image. All right, I see you've brought you a little
gulf horse with you. Uh, we're at top of initiative. I don't
want to forget who is feeling lucky? I guess I will. All right,
you've got a twenty five percent chance, Joe. Uh, it's a
D one hundred. What what do you what do you want your win ratio
to be? Uh? Let's see, Um I fifty to seventy five,
right, fifty one to seventy five? Do you want to roll the D
one? Never mind? Alrighty, then nothing happens and we move forward fending
go all right, to start things off. Since my meteors didn't do nearly
enough to cross this guy, salad, I'm gonna send two meteors streaking towards
Cloakboy. All right. Um, that's a deck save again, right,
yep, decks save of seventeen fifteen. All right, So he'll take two
D six ah yeah, four all right. Uh, you see the meteors
strike Cloakboy, and that's it. You see no damage occurring, all right,
then I will abandon that. That was my bonus action, so I'll
use my action to cast Raugram's I kick Lance targeting not Keith. All right,
and that is all these names. Fendingo is now at the stage of
his musical career when he's just basically doing covers. Yeah, yeah, so
that's I'm gonna cast that as a fifth level spell. So he needs to
make a intelligence save with a DC of seventeen or he's taking um twenty five
damage and isn't capacitated until the start of my next turn. Damn. Okay,
And while we're doing that before I forget that's a seventeen hit you me,
yes, yes, you the guy who started his turn near the tentacles.
Oh yeah, that tensacle fenti shiite. So thirteen damage for Fendingo.
Oh and intelligent save for not Keith ten ten does not make it? Ten
does not? So yeah, he'll take twenty five psychic damage and is incapacitated
until the start of my next turn. I've got to look up what incapacitating
means within the game. Obviously, I know it means in your life.
I've I've done shots, you know, like a cool person, all being
incapacitate and if you want to witness and allfer be incapacitated the dragons can this
all gets eleven to thirteen for bulland all right, can't take actions or reactions.
Been saving up all these weird fucking spells. I didn't realize you could
do anything that didn't involve setting bog on fire. So this is all.
This is all very encouraging. It's all new to us. Man, I
have like three spells that don't involve setting the org on fire. That's honestly
good, because I'm downe to like half my ageb At least one of those
spells might involve your going death, though, so I should probably not do
that. All right, Well, that hurt. So I'm gonna take a
step away from the fucking tentacle, all right, in the tentacles withdraw to
wait for someone else to forget they're there. Hey, Klaus, go piss
on that hole, all right, Silas Kane, you are up. There
are just so many options, all right. So first of all, I
will activate vow of enmity against the horse. Since he's within ten feet,
that gives me advantage against him. For the next minute. Then I will
use a bit of my movement to come over here. Yep, So I
will cast bless and I will give it to Bjorg, Brandon and Klaus.
So for the next minute, you guys get one D four extra every you
roll a one D four every time you attack, and add that to your
attack roll. Yeah, doesn't that also apply to saves? Yeah? Saving
throws two? Yeah, Bless is a hell of a spell. Good,
good spell. And then I'll use the remainder of my movements since uh I
saw those tentacles to come back years because well, I'm gonna kick the worse
his ass anyway. For a second, when you drew that arrow on your
you know you were just gonna like what a what a moment for that turn?
Fuck you, Barbarian. I've had enough of your ship for the last
oh man, the finale, no one would stop talking about. It's the
last episode. It is the perfect time to pull a double dragon. The
night's still young. Yeah that's true, all right, uh, silas being
shockingly pallid and effective. Klaus, you're up, um. I would like
to also take a couple of steps away from the hole. Yeah, yeah,
just say by who or you will get fucked. Let's see, Brandon
appears to be playing pantycake with a horse, and so I will focus my
attacks at the slod. I don't know, stupid right now or something.
I don't know what's going on with him, but he looks like it needs
to be shot. I guess, like a little bit like glassy eyed,
distant gaze, unfocused. You've seen this look before, yeah, in the
mirror, usually after we visited Gunther. All right, Um, same thing
as before. If I need it, I will add my bless all right.
Uh, twenty two hits thirty one thirty okay, yes, yes,
yes, Uh so that is thirty three total. He's taken the five off.
Oh you are okay? Sorry? So yeah, I think that's fifty
three total. Uh that is looks right to me. Yeah, I debate
the slow just regenerate enough to push out the arrows out of his nipples and
instantly it looks good on you man, except it be cool. It hurt
all right. After Klaus, we return to our old friend cloak Boy.
Uh is going to manifest a trident. Uh, clock Boy didn't have any
he knows, he knows, and he's gonna take that out on you with
two trident attacks and one tail stab. So fork fork tail Jesus twenty two,
twenty twenty nine, all hit twelve twelve nine you free down. Okay,
that's quite the hint. He has a tail. I thought he was
trying to annually penetrate Brandon. He's h he's been looking forward to this.
We're probably the only people who talked to him. All right, Bjorg,
all right, you're up. Yeah, he's gonna drag you down to hell
where you have to be his friends forever. All right, we're gonna I'm
not going there already. God. Two reckless attacks on the slod. That's
a twenty seven at twenty eighth. Okay, that's twenty three and twenty slashing
damage, so forty three total. All right, you do some serious damage.
This slod is looking rough. I'll die already. I have all their
friends to help. Uh, Brandon thigh master, it is your turn.
I will say. You've been waiting under the ocean this entire time, and
you you could have done anything with that time, and you have chosen to
remain a nerd, and for that there will be no mercy. So two
attacks burning a key point for Flurry blows so four in total. Fuck you
you nerd NAP twenty plus one D four NAP twenty. Can I roll a
one D four for one of these attacks to see if I can bring up
Yeah, you only need it for the fifteen the other's hit. Okay,
so eighteen, nineteen and thirty those are all hit two four blessed scot you
an extra hit in there, nicely done so eighteen eighteen fourteen seventeen ahole,
this doesnt NOOKI again? Hey you like that? All right? Uh?
Gordon will swim up an attempt to take a take a bite, do his
part within eleven. Good, You're doing great. At least you're here.
You're here. Did anyone remember to give Gordon a underwater breathing pution? Anyone
remember to care? Yeah, he turned into something that brings underwater. Gordon
knows better than to lean on you, guys, very wise. Snakes don't
have kills, all right. It is the green Slots turn. However,
it is incapacitated due to Fendingo's psychic lash, which makes it all the stranger.
As you notice its mouth begin to open and open wider and wider,
as its eyes begin to bulge in terror, and a horrified grimace appears in
the few seconds it still has a whole head before two scaly blue hands jut
out and rip the creature down like it was nothing more than a flesh portal
to be utilized, and out of it steps Keith, the perfectly normal slod,
who looks down and goes, no, fuck you of Array told you
not to talk shit about Keith. Motherfucker. It's Keith, the perfectly normal
slod with a perfectly normal slot attack. I mean, is that perfectly normal?
That seemed a normal thanks, I mean, I can't imagine why the
perfectly normal slod would do anything strange. Um, but yes, this bad
boy is good and dead. And as as he dies, you see one
of the lights on the statue vanish. As as the power into it goes
out, the statue is still kind of glowing, but it's not actively funneling
power. Keith, what were you doing inside that guy? I wasn't inside
that guy, girlfriends ki. I stepped through that guy. It's like you're
not in a door, right, You're just moving through the door. He
was a door. It's a hell of a way to cheapen a relationship,
Keith. I dig it. It's like to mention door, except it's more
like slot of mentioned door. Yeah yeah, it's like when is a door
not a door? When it's a slot? Yeah, when it's a slot.
Who pissed me off? A sloting door? Yeah? Man, it's
great to be and right about at the time, he says that tentacle whips
and snaps Keith the Burglin almost slot, dragging him into the hole. Damn
it, you do. Hear thrashing though, So something's going on in there.
Kick his ass key and you got this. We return to top of
the initiative. So we're gonna do another role. Who's feeling lucky gone?
And I'll give it correct all right. It's a D one hundred. You've
got a fifty percent chance of success, so pick your range. Alright,
one, al right, nothing happens. We open with the Harold who's gonna
hoof you again? Steve seventeen and a natural twenty hit. All right,
so fort to oh another D. I should actually probably be two, but
now sixteen bludging damage and seven fire damage. Yeah, okay, that's taking
quite the hit. Good. I'm healing on Brandon. Speaking of fendingo the
fantastical, Alright, So there are two enemies clustered together, and that means
that can only mean one thing Brandon. Brandon is de facto a third enemy.
So I want to center my spell right about? How do I make
the thing? Make a round? Make a circle again? You just click
and hold, all right, I don't want to center. Oh you have
to be on the pointer, not the not the measuring tape. That'll do
it, all right. I gotta measure again real quick. I don't think
I can hit them both without hitting Brandon. No, I gotta be able
to Yeah, all right, yeah this if I center my spell right there?
Can you click that again? This one a little closer? Is that
put Brandon within twenty feet? Yep? All right? Then I can't do
that without maybe killing Brandon. So we're gonna go for let's cool that plan,
b mate. So first I'm gonna send my last two meteors at the
horse. Alrighty, that one that's a save. Yeah, yeah, that
one's a save. Yeah it's a deck save of seventeen. I'll just use
this one again and take away one so nineteen. All right, Well,
he made the save, so he'll take three, all right. Uh,
the meteors strike the horse, and just as with the Cloakboy, they do
not appear to impart any damage. Yeah, and that annoys me. So
now I'm gonna cast whatever this dude's name is. I'm gonna do that psychic
lance thing again, this time targeting Cloakboy. All right, targeting cloakboy,
so intelligent save of seventeen. Well, then he's not incapacitated and he only
takes half damage, so he'll pike twelve psychic damage. We've been doing nothing
but making fun of this guy since we may. There's one thing he's prepared
for. This ema kid is just like whatever too, And I'll use my
movement. I'll move to there, which is not within five feet of the
goddamn hole where tentacles and not the fun ones come after me. Very was
all right, Silas Kane, all right, I'm gonna shoot two sharp shooter
arrows at Harold and and he hit. They will be attached to a third
level smite. All right, Remember they are at disadvantage. No they're not,
because I might vow up emnity on him. Oh, you're right,
mutualized, so it's just a regular role. Oh kay. So that's twenty
six and seventeen. Uh, the those are both hit all right, good,
So that's nineteen twenty two and twenty one points of radiant nineteen forty one
plus twenty one twenty two It was the last one. Twenty one points a
radiant twenty one points are radiant. All right, you fire some arrows into
the horse and successfully gain some of its attention, Klaus, all right,
Um, I still I still have blessed effects on my cd um when silence
loses a concentration, roll right, right right. Let's see that horse seems
to be hurting Brandon and his nerd friend. Um, I shall shoot the
horse, all right, sharp shooter? All right? Um does an eighteen
hit? Eighteen will hit? Wait the horse? Right? Okay? But
yes the horse, you said, the horse? Yes, yes, all
right? And I guess twenty three hits all right? Once again, I
don't need that less um, So that is twenty to two plus twenty seven.
It's forty nine. And I forgot to add sneak attack damage to the
SLOD. I shall not forget for the horse plus nineteen sneak attack damage.
So I think sixty eight. I did that in my head, though I
was doing it as you went. So you have done damage to the horse?
Was I right? Right? Nice? Oh, I don't know.
I didn't tabulate it. I was taking it out as you called it out.
Yes, you were right. Yeah, that a horse just hit like
a like one hundred and ten hundred and twenty points of damage. I'm a
different person since I became smart. You've definitely pulled out your a game for
the for the big final battles. Is this what they call a moment of
clarity a whole new world under the sea. Uh, this is a moment
of stabbery, buddy, because you're taking two more forks and a tail sixteen,
thirteen and twenty seven. Well, the twenty seven definitely hits, all
right, roll a constitution, save constitutions save plus one plus four or one
D four. Yeah, you do lose ten hit points though from the from
the it's kind of redundant and I am unconscious. Oh, really make this
constitution safe, buddy, Should job Brandon lose Master eighteen? You are you
do not suffer the infernal wound, which would have dealt ten damage to you
at the start of your next turn? Just as well? Really? All
right? Once again, judging blindly into combats, as per tradition, some
things don't change. Borg Born's all right. It's chugging a potion a bonus
action. It is an action, Okay, damn it. So I can't
do a full dash. If I all right, I am going to,
I guess suck the potion. I'm gonna use full dash to get towards where
the horses still raging. If I'm as long as ideal damage, or I'm
moving towards a target, I get to keep my rage. I don't know
if moving toward your target counts. I think it's here. We can check
real quick. Either way, I'm gonna do the full dash. So that's
well, let's see here, I will. I will wait and see what
you have multiple rages in a day at this, that's sure. And I
don't think I fatigue after a rage anymore. If you need to punch me
on the way past you are not unconscious, or if your turn ends and
you haven't attacked a hostile creature or taken damage, okay, all right,
Technically I don't technically like silence, doesn't like yell that much. So if
you want to pick a smack at him, um, well I can't.
I can't. I can't do the full I need to get there, so
I'll lose the rage and us as long as raging is like a bonus action,
right, yeah, you can pop it back on as a as a
bonus. I'm gonna just I'm gonna just burn everything. Run as fast as
you can bite your forearm. Uh yeah, I'm just gonna run. Get
right up to where Silas is and have my sword out so that I can
close the distance in the next turn. All right, Brandon's time Master,
roll me a death saving throw. Oh exciting bull That is a fails.
That's one failure. Okay, I shall love the failure. All right.
Gordon is going to utilize his swimming speed. Get to hear he's going to
turn back into a huge I have to go grab his token real quick because
I left it on the old map. So Gordon will turn back into a
human, and then he will cast healing Word on Brandon, which is awesome
because it's a spell that works at range. Brandon, you're at seven hit
points, all ray, It wasn't doing much on damage, so I will
absolutely take it. All right, Green Slot is dead. Keith, the
perfectly normal slot is fighting the tentacle in the hole. It sounded weird and
we return to top of initiative. Who's feeling lucky. I'll give it a
try. You have a seventy five percent chance. Pick your failure range at
this point, what's what's the twenty five where you don't succeed? All right?
I don't succeed on seventy okay, motherfucker, seventy nine Okay. Fending
understands you gotta make your own luck. That's why Klaus is waiting until that.
It's one hundred percent before he tries, So FENDINGO will because he's going,
Oh hang on, sorry, Fending, the horse goes before you,
all right, It is the horse's turn. It is using a stamped ability
to attack Silas and Klaus, and no, this does not provoke reactions.
That's part of what makes it a special ability. So you get a hoof
Silus and you get a hoof Klaus. Oh no, fifteen to Silas and
seventeen to Klaus. Did you say seventeen? Yep? Well that's not enough,
all right, sorry, Now it is fending its turn, all right?
So now um, fendingo Um is going to one up Gordon because why
the hell wouldn't I I'm gonna cast mass healing word targeting Bjorg and Brandon and
Silas, have you taken any damage? I'm not at full, so I'll
take I'll take something, all right, I'll tag those. Those will be
my three, and they'll all get back. Eight will gratefully receive. And
that The other cool thing about healing word is that it casts as a bonus
action. So I will fire my crossbow at the horse that's now standing right
here, all right, for a nineteen nineteen will hit. I guess you
could say against this horse, it's a real cult forty five. I guess
you could say that. I could say that it would be awful, but
oh, unforgivable. Yeah, I can't believe you'd even suggest that. All
right, Jesus, chock four points of damage because all right, my arrow
was distracted by the joke. All right, Silas Kane, alright, you're
up. A horse just ran by you and hit you with it tough,
but it hit your armor, so you were like, screw off you attack
me, Harold, I say the nay, same same attack is last time
two sharpshooter arrows and one hits at third level. All right, all right,
so that an eighteen and twenty six both will hit twenty twenty five,
so fifty five forty five normal damage and nineteen radiant. You have once more
shot the horse. Klaus, you are up. Come on, let's make
this beating a dead horse a dead horse. All right? Um, I
am unclear on on the rules for this. I think all right, here's
the question. Does my familiar account as someone within five feet of an enemy
to give me advantage or to give me a sneak attack? No, you're
fail You're familiar has not initiated an attack, nor has the monster attacked you're
familiar, so there's not combat established. You should have said something in my
turn. Go all right, that's fine, you'll get to pull out the
tooth gold. All right, I'm just gonna I'm gonna do my standard to
our sharpshooters at the horse. I have the crossbow expert feat allows me to
not take a disadvantage for being all right, all right, twenty natural that's
actually a seventeen Wow rollo D twenty makes nothing bad happens? All right,
you're okay? The twenty five hits or the twenty all right, that's twenty
seven damage. All right, you have successfully executed the horse. Wow,
your arrow flies through its brain and out the back. I missed it dead
and we returned to cloak Boy, who says it took you long enough before
raising his hands and a dark, whispy fire blasts out, heading not toward
any of you, but toward the green slod corpse and the horse corpse,
which both are kind of surrounded in the dark ethereal flames as they begin to
move again. Oh fuck, just kill the castor yep on it where would
have a brilliant conclusion to come to many times ago. Hmm, look,
you're not dead. And with the slid with the slod reawakening, the beam
from the statue that was still glowing begins to shoot again. The massive Q
tip has returned. That was cloak boys turn though, So Borg, you're
up all right, let me just quickly make sure I can get Yes,
I can okay at his exactly twenty feet I'm gonna give I'm gonna get right
behind cloak Boy, put me on the other side of him from Brandon,
and I am going to do give him a bit at deja food. Too
reckless, I'm going to rage and two reckless attacks. Yeah, that's us
thirty and A nineteen. Both will hit and that is nineteen as sixteen slashing
damage and eighteen slashing damage. Hello, cloak boy, remember me, I
remember all of you so well? What what was your name again? Brandon?
You are awake, like man? You have to get over high school?
All right? Two hits burning a key point, Flaria blows, stop
being so weird? Not one twenty nine, twenty three, twenty one lady
twenty for the natural one, everything else hits nineteen. All right, you're
okay. So for damage that is fourteen eighteen sixteen all right, okay,
you have struck cloak boy many times. He's looking wounded but still glaring you
with intense powerful hatred. Understandable. I mean, we get that a lot.
It's sort of y'all Thingum, what's Gordon gonna do? Gordon is going
to throw another healing word on Brandon. Thank you, Gordon, still looking
rough, very considerate, Gordon six. You know somebody could have drank a
fucking potion. But no, just wait for the bar to heal me.
Mean no, I'm fighting the casta with resurrection magic mate. Um, all
right. The green Slod begins to lumber forward. However, as a result
of having been turned into a flesh gate. It is slower than normal and
kind of stumbling forth toward fan Dingo. It's just a witch dot com flesh
light. And so now we have returned to the top of initiative. Uh
it is a one hunder chance. But the question is what so i'll feel
Okay, well, no one, no one's rolling for this one, because
you all just see a shape shooting down through the water tunnel and landing with
a solid thud as Judge hungry as a last arrived to join the battle.
Yeah, you're welcome, friends, Well done, Klaus take one look at
the situation and lift his gavel and just come running for the green slot and
uh slam into it, knocking it a few feet away from fin tingo.
Where did this art come from? Thanks your honor? That is perfect,
Judge, thank you. H all right, fending go alrighty. So I'm
gonna move a little bit so that I can I'll move a little bit forward
so i can stay the hell away from both the horse and the slot.
And I'm thinking that probably another one of those psychic lance things at cloak Boy.
Okay, so that is an intelligent save with a DC of seventeen.
All right, seven so it'll take thirty three psychic damage and be incapacitated until
until my next turn. All right, Um, you definitely see him WinCE.
However, his eyes do not look as glassy as the slots were.
Quickie, can't think beat him up while it's a fat fight, all right,
Silas, all right, I'm thinking we need to take out cloak Boy
here. You know, glad Judge Hungry arrived better late than never. I
guess he was up there litigating parking tickets or something. But these are the
guys had the bad luck of him taking a lot of fights on the way.
All right, so this is gonna be another third level a smite if
I hit with two sharpshooters against cloak Boy this time, because we want this
fucker gone. Not one eleven Roland D twenty for the NAT one Jesus fucking
Christ. Yeah, you're okay, but uh, seeing Judge Hungary arrive and
just his amazing law abiding or you just you can't look away, man,
that guy's so Laura biding, he's so hungry for justice. All right,
Uh, Klaus, Klaus gives a not a fuck about the law. I
shall u two sharpshooters at the nerd, and um, I still have blessed
if I need it, correct, yes, fifteen miss, all right,
well, I'll keep a blessing in the bank for that one. I'm gonna
roll my other one first. Uh nineteen as of now, that is a
miss damn all right, I got the bless on both of them. It's
yep, yeah, it's it's just that's it's just there. Yeah, all
right, that's D six four all right for the fifteen, all right,
fifteen plus three eighteen and the fifteen couldn't have hit. Oh all right,
all right, so nineteen plus three twenty two that will hit. All right,
that hits four twenty five plus sneak attack damage twenty six fifty one.
All right, you do some serious damage. In fact, for a minute
it looks like Cloakboy's gonna fall over, and then the slod withers to ash,
and suddenly Cloakboy a lot of cloakboys wounds. Heal up, I've penetrated
the nerd in the ash. Oh, this isn't gonna make it less angry,
is all right? He is going to He's been stabbing the hell out
of and enjoying it. But now he's gonna take some stabs out of b
yorgau, so I mean he he really hates you all eleven, twenty four,
twenty four and five for the natural one, so he's okay, and
twenty the what's your what's your acorg Yeah, okay, twenty four we'll hit
roll a constitution save a right, that's a nine, all right, Uh,
you will be taking seven damage at the start of your next turn.
That, um, that'll be that'll be app Yeah, that'll be at the
start of your next turn. I'll remind you. Um, I'm just rolling
it now so i'd have it in my head. But you take thirty two
from the uh pitchfork and tail attack or is it sixteen sixty eighteen? Okay,
But the good news is you get to pay him back. All right.
Yep, we are gonna do two reckless, raging, great sort attacks
on this motherfucker quite change A winning fomia is twenty and anat twenty and both
hit. There's something additional I get to do because I just remembered that I
have brutal critical I'm gonna kill him a net that is in fact brutal.
I get to roll an additional damage to die for that crid cool. Hell
yeah, and that's sixteen. So that's seventeen nineteen and sixteen damage seventeen nineteen
and sixteen. Okays, once again, you all watch as one of the
underlings withers to ash and Clockboy regenerates some wounds. But he he's out of
underlings now and still looking pretty rough. Get him, man, it's not
not full heels. When he does those. We have wrecked his under rus
Let's go, Brandon, you're up. I thought Borg was gonna more combat
him into that hole there, but maybe, just maybe I can do this.
I wouldn't like a good idea to an under strike plus flurry of blows
at the cost of a key point. So on two, three, four,
seventeen, twenty five, fifteen nineteen, I'll take the bless on the
fifteen. Actually that's not enough anyway, is it. You get it on
all of them. Yeah, and so it's his ac since he cast his
augmentation spells twenty, so you get a D four. You could technically make
it on all but the fifteen. Okay, I'll try on this seventeen four
and it makes it the nineteen one that makes it okay, you hit hit
three and that is four blam blam blippity eighteen twelve sixteen. All right,
after a Bjorg has sliced through this guy, only for him to reform again,
Brandon uses the momentum to grab his horns atop his head and just drive
a knee directly into Cloakboy's stupid face, cracking his neck, killing him again.
Come on back, asshole, We'll kill you again. Stuff him in
a locker, I got, Stuff him in Davy Jones's locker. Toss him
down that hole. UM. So, as you kill Cloakboy, several things
happen at once. UM. The one of those fingers is me feeling bad.
Just want to clarify. A barrier all around y'all begins to crack and
splinter, UM as the magical ceremony falls apart, and you instantly feel the
pressure start to shift in the water around you. M. And as that
happens, M, basically, a giant vacuum is created and a suction event
begins, drawing tremendous amounts of water and pressure, sucking each of you into
the various holes in the ground, which is nice in that it saves you
from going off, you know, getting crushed to death in the water.
However, it does start setting you off in a variety of twists and turns
and caverns. Remember, things have been washing up from this excavation site all
over these these tunnels. They wind throughout not just the ocean, but into
the greater currents of the world. And you are all basically on an express
water slide to who the fuck knows where. So as you are all shooting
around, the first of you to emerge is Bjorg. Bjorg. You crawl
out of a pond that is surrounded by a beautiful meadow of trees and flowers.
One you got basically shot into an underwater cavern and spit up at a
at a release point. So it was a little cavern in the pond,
and that is where you washed up. Was I assume you swim out of
the pond. Yeah, getting out of the pond and getting onto the shore.
Yep. And as soon as you step foot on the shore, give
me a perception, all right, eighteen, a horrendous shrieking fills the air
as every tree, flower and weed I'll twist in your direction and begin to
uproot themselves running forward. What the fuck? And that's where we'll leave Bjorg.
Brandon you shoot out of a waterfall, you have a slow fallibility.
I do. I'd also like to roll and athletics. It's her name to
a swan dive, if I may, okay acrobatics twenty seven? All right,
Brandon shoots out of a waterfall and immediately tucks into a controlled landing where
he floats gently to the ground. Throw me a perception. Perception not as
good as my acrobatics, traditionally. Let's see what ten? All right?
You see that you have landed at the entrance to a small village that is
tucked away by massive cavernous peaks all around. The waterfall that you shot out
of was embedded in one of those mountains that clearly the underwater tunnel kind of
wound its way through. As you look, you see a wide array of
humanoid people kind of walking around. They do look thinner than normal, not
emaciated, sort of a natural litheness to them, although their heads seem to
be a little bit more enlarged, like a little bit mere reinforced in the
skulls. One of them looks to you and kind of waves a greeting,
Well, good day, how are you, traveler? I look as anybody
holding up a skull cut that they are not. They are just sort of
going about their day. They pay you a passing attention at most. I'm
a don okay, could be doing better. Oh, I'd say your day
is quite blessed. It is a rare few who find their way into the
mindful mountains, the land of mental masters. Oh oh no, did I
die and do something wrong? And that's where we'll leave. Brandson Silas,
you have a very interesting experience. So I don't know if y'all have ever
done the thing where like you get your hand wet or something to avoid it
get getting burned because you the water creates a brief, little layer of protection
around the extreme heat. That's super relevant because shot Silas is getting shot up
out of a volcano. Thank god, so he the the water, which
is semi magical, will say, why not, protects him from the extreme
heat as the pressure forces him along a river and ultimately joins with a currently
erupting volcano, firing Silas out into the air, where he lands on a
surprisingly soft bed of plants that have all been arranged. Do you want to
throw me that perception, buddy Silas? The reverse sacrifice? It makes sense.
Seven all right. You don't really see a lot outside of the volcano
behind you in the glowing river of red, but you do notice the dozen
or so people lined up in red robes staring at the site where you have
landed. And before your eyes one of them them points and starts shaking with
a finger. The prophecy. The prophecy is true. The chosen One has
come to lead us to salvation. This is how the gods return a gift.
Shultnus worship graven idols. All right, and that is where we will
leave silas uh Fendingo. You wash up on the on an island you were
out to see, so it's not shocking that one of you is going to
end up back in that area. That's a seventeen perception, all right.
Um, you staggered to your feet U and see a large magical UH sign
sort of floating there waiting for you, and it reads attention all who come
here. We are in grave need of aid. Our island's guardian has gone
missing, and with him the recipe for the most amazing liquor in all of
existence. I have a quest and last but not least, uh Klaus,
you shoot along, maybe maybe, maybe least you You shoot along the tunnel
for what seems like in an inordinately long time, before getting bounced around and
pinging along a stone structure that feels fleetingly familiar, before you come shooting out
of a well. Yes, in a town that has recently been burned down
and is undergoing a rebuilding effort. The good news is they burned down the
jail too, buddy, congratulations. It took seven and a half years,
but you found out what was at the bottom of the well. You were
space to see moment. My god, it's full of bars. Probably there's
like, hey, there's a guy who'd let you know who escaped from our
jail. Get the chains? True? True, I'm glad. I'm glad
you told me that, because my initial estate was to jump down to the
well Sue was at the bottom of. That would be a truly fitting end.
As we draw to a close on Chronicles of Calamity, Chapter one,
we'll see what the future has in store. But for now, folks,
we hope you have enjoyed this session, this campaign, this whole podcast so
far. We've got a lot more fun stuff planned, but this bit at
least come to an end. Thank you for joining us and until next week,
bye bye, good bye friends, and the fan fears stands and to
the find players they don't understand, they must saved the land. That what
you're word fear the worst and made this is the fine of losing tracks and
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valued listeners. You have achieved absolutely nothing, but fear not for our authors,
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