This is pod Populi Podcast for the People, the Great Love Debate. It's
the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.
Hi again, everyone's Brian how We welcome to the Great Love Debate,
the world's number one dating and relationship podcasts. It's twenty fifteen. I am
here in the very fine studios of pod Populi Podcast for the People. I
am once again at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona, which I just love.
I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I'm doing something that I consider
cheating in the podcasting world. I don't want to cheat on you, guys,
but I'm gonna tell you so. I had a I am very very
late to record and drop. The window between the time I recorded a podcast
and when I release it to you guys is very very short. I like
to keep my podcasts fresh. I do not bank a banch. I do
not do them six months in advance. I do or I bang them out
and you get them. And the deadline to drop them generally is Tuesday,
very very early in the morning. I am recording this on a Monday.
I had a couple of guests lined up and at the last minute, they
flaked and I have to get on airplane. And rather than make you guys
wait a day and break my streak of four hundred and twenty something in a
row eight years without ever missing a drop, I'm gonna cheat a little.
As soon as they said they had to cancel, I'm like, oh my
god, don't do that. And then I remember an episode I did about
a year and a half ago that was entitled please don't do that, and
I really liked it and I got a bunch of feedback on it, so
I'm gonna run it again as sort of a rerun. This is an intro
to that rerun. And sorry if that seems like cheating, but a lot
of guys didn't listen to that. A lot of you guys are new,
so please forgive me if you've heard it before. If you have, If
you haven't heard it before, take notes. If you have heard it before,
good refresher for you. A whole bunch of things that I got submitted
from you weird questions, and I did a whole episode called please don't do
that. Don't cancel the podcast, guests, because it really screws up the
timing and that trickles down to you guys. So without further ado, we're
gonna roll it back again, and I appreciate it, thank you. So
I'm gonna hit you guys with a whole bunch of scenarios and questions and habits
that a lot of people either have been asking about or are that I have
noticed that they're doing. And my answer is, oh my god, please
don't do that. So the first one I got because I noticed it and
somebody asked my opinion on it, which really doesn't have to do with great
Love debate. They just socially asked my opinion about the married people. And
there are quite a few of you who listen to this show. And you
are a couple who I'm going to rule out Grandma and grandpa who are eighty
five years old, and they do this, But say you are under sixty
five, and you do this if you're a couple who combines your email address
or your social media accounts, so it's Dave Brenda New York, or it's
you know, Kelly and Andy at Gmail, And as they say, please
don't do that, Oh my god, please don't do that. Be people
just because you got married that shouldn't be you're defining characteristic. You are not
Siamese married can I is Siamese twins? Still? And an acceptable term?
Is that offensive to conjoined? I think conjoined is the term. Sorry,
any of our conjoined people out there who are listening, I'm sorry, but
please don't do that. Be individual. People have your own thoughts and hobbies
and habits and friends and people you want to communicate with. I can't even
imagine the practicality of something like that, like honey email, Oh that's for
you? Oh did you answer it? It's ridiculous, it's dumb. You're
far more likely to break up if you do something like this. I do
believe that. So you're gonna have to start a new at one anyway,
So start now, save time. Sarah and John together forever at Gmail.
Don't be together, not like that. That's the one that you can easily
control. Set up your own social media. You're not an LLC, you
know, under one umbrella you could do your own thing. Set up your
own emails, because if you don't get that an email that many emails,
it's not a big deal. And if you get a ton of emails,
it is a big deal. That you're sharing it. It's ridiculous. Stop
doing that. Please, don't do that. The next thing that I'm gonna
give you is, I'm watching the local news the other day, the morning
news. I like the morning news. I like to know what's happening in
whatever community I'm in. I like it. I like to take the temperature
of it. I like how they do the weather and the traffic. I
like it. But anyway, I'm watching the local news and they had a
story on Devin Booker of the Phoenix Suns, of basketball player breaking up with
Kendra Kylie Kendall. There Kendrick Kardashian Jenner, a jet of one of Kim's
sisters, one of Kim's younger sisters. I don't know if she's a Jennor
Kardashian. Devin Booker was dating a Jenner Kardashian. I think it was Kendall.
That's my final answer. Kendall. Sorry, Kim is top dog and
then everybody else's everybody else. But anyway, the news people were reporting it
as a news story, and I don't care how slow a news day.
Your news story is. Devin Booker breaking up with whichever one of the Kim's
sisters. That's not a news story, but that's not really my point.
My point is if you were watching this and you had some sort of emotional
reaction to it, please don't do that. You should never care about any
relationship other than the one you're in, and if you aren't in one,
you should care even less about other people's. So when you look at celebrities
marriages, or your friends relationships, or things you see on social media,
or even your siblings or your parents or your grandparents, I think you know
you know what is good and bad are going on with them. You think
you know, and you're like, I want to be like them and root
for them. Whether it's celebrities or even mom and dad. You don't have
any idea what is going on. And I'm serious about that. People like
you don't. Oh, you don't know. You're not that close with your
parents. Maybe I don't think you're as close with your parents as you think
they are, that you know the status of their relationship. Maybe Mom is
secretly unhappy, she doesn't want to tell you necessarily, and she probably doesn't
want to tell dad. Or maybe Dad has lost his feelings and that's why
he fishes all the time. So you should root for their happiness. But
you should root for everybody's happiness. You should want everybody to be happy and
find love. That's what we're doing here. We want everybody to be happy
and everybody to find love. But if you're trying to be like, oh
my god, that I love that couple so much. I love them together.
I loved j Lo and Ben Affleck. That's what she's still on Ben
Affleck, right, Ben Affleck, I love them together. That's insane to
me. Please don't do that. If you're someone who spent one second,
and there are a lot of you out there who spent far more than one
second hoping that that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt will get back together, please
don't do that. They don't do that. I don't think Jen Aniston sits
around wondering if she's gonna get back together with Brad Pitt. He's like fifteen
boyfriends ago, and a marriage ago and twenty years ago. So they don't
do that. Why do you do that? Don't do that? Or you
looked at pictures from your friend's vacation with her husband and think I want that.
You don't even know what that is or who they are together. Please
don't do that. Their business is not your business, and the reason for
that is you truly have no idea about their business. So I have a
little bit of idea about our business. I gotta take a quick break,
because this is, after all, a business, even though I'm passionate curious
as a business. And we'll get into some more of these things that you
should please not do right after this, and we are back and I'm running
through a whole bunch of things, a grab bag full of things that please
don't do that. So we've done whole episodes on this before. But if
you go up to an AX, or not even an X, maybe it's
someone who just stopped calling you back, whether they ghosted you or not,
they just you don't talk to them anymore. And you see them at the
supermarket or you see them at a bar or a club, and you want
to go up to and say, hey, why did you do that?
Please don't do that. Don't do that. You won't get the answer you
want. You're not Chris Hansen. These these these gotcha techniques, they are
pointless with people who don't care about you, and they clearly don't care about
you, certainly not now, probably not ever. If you do something because
you're looking for answers, please don't do that. You're not getting them,
not in the way you want, not what you want. It's just more
wasted time thinking, wondering, worrying, missing someone who doesn't think, wonder,
worry, or miss you. If you're someone who's online dating, opener
a lot of people. I ask people all this time online dating, what
do you open with? What do you reach out with? And if your
first line is how is your day? Oh my god, please don't do
that. Don't do that in person, and don't do that online. It
is the laziest form of conversation. It does not show that you care.
It shows that you don't care because you gave it no thought. Their answer
won't matter because your question has already shown you were too boring to be dated
in the first place. If that's what you're opening up with, small talk
kills a friendship, and it kills a potential relationship because you started things on
a dull note. So I'm not going to get back into all the things
that we've told you that you need to say and that you should say.
Go listen to all of the episodes if you want those but that is something
you should never say or ask, how is your day? Use your imagination.
Even if you're really curious about how someone's day was because you knew they
had a tough day, get in a better way, or honestly, just
say hi, how are you doing. That's better. It's a it's not
an assessment of their day. And you're asking somebody, how is my day?
I don't fucking know. It's two o'clock. It's not over. It's
nails on a chalkboard. It's excruciating. Please don't do that. Do better.
One of the oldest tenants we have around here at the g LD is
to get rid of the words not my type. If you're over thirty and
you're still single, you have no type. Your type is not working out
for you. Please don't do that. Please stop saying we're thinking I need
this, this, and this. You don't because you you've probably had some
version of this, this and this before it and didn't work out for you.
Because if you're looking for this, this, and this, you're missing
out on that. That and that and that is definitely better than this because
you haven't had that yet, you had this. You're still here, still
here, saying so and so is not my type, too big, too
small, too blonde, to this, that all of it. Get rid
of. Please don't do that anymore. That is probably number one on the
things people like. What piece of advice do you gotta give people? Get
rid of the words not my type generally speaking. Also, just get rid
of all your dumb rules when you when you will call them, when you
think, oh, I'm gonna call them now now it's time for me to
say I love you. Most importantly now is when I think I will have
sex with them. All these pre calculated formulaic equations that you've mapped out.
If I do this, this and this, it's going to make them do
this, this and this. It's never going to be that. Ever,
some woman emailed me the other day with I have a firm three month rule,
no sex for three months of a new relationship. She meets somebody,
she goes out of them. She wanted sex some one for three months,
which is absurd and insane and inconsistent. Not the three months, but because
I guarantee you she has never waited three months for sex. Ever, it's
just an arbitrary line in the sand that she decided to draw up one day
to see if it's sort of magically changed things for her. Please don't do
that, because what is three months mean? What if you saw somebody four
times in three months, you still go by to three months. I say
that people in long distance relationships, So I go how long even day?
And they're like two years, And I'm like, when do you see each
other like every other weekend unless you've see each other like like forty times,
So I'm not sure that's a relationship. Anybody can see anybody on weekends and
holidays, that's easy. It's Tuesday morning when you got to get up and
go to work. That's a relationship anyway. So if you saw somebody four
times in three months, I don't know. Is that three months? Well?
What if you saw somebody every single day for eleven weeks? You still
need to wait that last week because if this random thing you decided three months
was magically going to change the outcome of your relationships? No, And the
sex thing comes up so much at our live shows, the aforementioned live shows,
and I usually steer away from it. And it's not I stay away
from because it's lazy or I'm a prude or anything. It's just such a
random hole to go down, no pun intended. People are so nonsensical about
it. So I'll just say this, if you are using sex as a
referendum or a reward, please don't do that. Don't do that making him
her wait. It doesn't mean you know them better. It doesn't mean they
like you better. It doesn't mean they respect you more. It just means
they waited a little longer for sex after a while. For a lot of
especially dudes, it's ROI like, you don't have an eighteen times I guess
I gotta wait eighteen times more. But eventually I'm gonna get that ro.
I'm gonna get some return on this. It doesn't mean anything other than they
just waited a little longer, and you're just as likely to break up the
day after you had sex for the first time if you waited five years to
do it as if you waited five hours to do it. It's the same.
You don't know them well enough to commit to them or to be in
a quote unquote monogamous relationship with them until you've had sex, because the sex
changes everything. Everything prior to the sex is just ping pong warm up.
It's fine, it helps. There's some feelings involved, but ultimately it's irrelevant
until you find out about the sex and how that changes things because people get
crazy both ways. It always changes things for him, for her, for
you. So if you're playing games with it, please stop doing that.
It's a dangerous game to play with yourself emotionally. You do it when you
want to do it and when you're comfortable to it, and has nothing to
do with the other person and their feelings that they may or may not have
for you. If you do it or don't do it, take ownership of
it. If you're playing games with it, you're gonna get hurt. You
wait three months great doesn't make you any more likely to be his girlfriend or
fiance or wife. It just means you simply didn't have sex with somebody for
three months, and then when you do, the clock starts again on some
other avenue of your relationship. That's really the extent of it. It's a
footnote in the paragraph in the chapter in the book on that note running of
these people. If you're constantly taking the temperature of your status or how the
other person feels, please don't do that. Am I your boyfriend? Do
you see us together for five years? What are your hopes for us?
Please stop doing that. People hate quizzes, People hate summing up feelings in
words when you want them. Not everybody's good at it. I'm pretty good
at it because I spent a lot of time thinking about it. But most
people, when you ask them a question on the spot and they know that
that question is you want to hear a certain answer in a certain way.
It's not an honest conversation. It's not honest for you to ask it,
and the answer you're going to give it is probably not fully formulated. Words
take time and they are private in their formation. To get the articulation.
It's hard for people to do that. It's hard for people to write it,
it's hard to people to say it, and it's certainly hard for you
to boom get exactly what you want. Please don't do that. Putting somebody
on the spot won't get you that. Asking how they feel in a moment
might not say anything about how they'll feel in the morning. You're asking somebody
to guess about the future when they're still getting comfortable with the present and with
you and with the two of you. Just focus on the feelings, not
the expression of them, and a lot of people just really need to know
because they want to give an answer to other people who are asking that,
what's the deal with you two? Are you guys exclusive? Are you gonna
get engaged? Are you gonna get married, You're gonna have kids? Blah
blah blah blah blah. Everybody, all the outsiders want to know. It
takes me back to the beginning where you got to ignore everybody else doing it.
Fuck them, fuck them, your need to announce every aspect of relationship
followers social media, Please don't do that. It's not necessary. Nobody cares,
or the people who do care, you don't really want them to care.
I'm not sure everybody's rooting for you. I'm not sure everybody's noticing what
you want them to notice or the way you want to to. Like,
stop doing that, Just be present in the moment, in the relationship and
see where it goes. Not everything means something. Everything has to mean something,
and not every question has an answer, which is fine too. We
raise a lot of questions around here and we don't always have answers, and
there's just as much value in that. And I really like that. So
you ask me where my passion and curiosity is in this whole thing where I
started out him. It's raising the questions. Sometimes we find the answers,
sometimes we don't. Sometimes we share possibilities. That's all part of it,
and that's what I like about it. Everything else, all these other little
tricks and techniques and things you're trying to do, please don't do them,
all of them. Shoot us an email. Great Love Debate at gmail dot
com. Like I said, we have a listener letter episode our annual Summer
lovin. It's a little late this year, but we got to do it.
You might get one under the wire if it's really really good. Shoot
it to us. Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. Check out the
aforementioned tour schedule. By the time this drops, I assume one or two
will be on sale. I hope, so if not, check the social
media. I don't know. The Great Love to Boat is still happening.
Don't give up on that. We're still doing the cruise. Most importantly,
as always, like share, subscribe, please review this podcast. Your reviews
will always be appreciated and mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem because, as
always, at The Great Love Debate we never stopped making love. See you
next time. The Greatest love Debate. It's the Great love debate. The
Great love Debate. It's the Great love Debate.