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You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy

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Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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Another week of being in love.
Yeah, I'm actually still in love,

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Kayla. Can you believe it?
Julio and I have been together three

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and a half years. I love
your love and every day we tell each

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other we love each other. But
you got to understand, I was never

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this girl. My I was so
analytical and I never had that feeling.

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Those butterflies in the stomach, mind
you careful. Those are anxiety. I

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had longing, I had worry,
I had oh my god, is it

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gonna call? All that kind of
stuff. But I never had the feeling

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of a secure attachment, the feeling
of peace. It's not a high when

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you're actually in love and both people
on their same page. It's not a

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high. It just feels safe,
it feels calm. And it took me

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eighteen years of therapy to get my
own act together to be able to take

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it in Now. I want to
say, if you've been following me,

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you should know I have a PhD
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor,

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not a therapist. I am a
veteran as a patient, though,

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But I became obsessed with the science
of love a few decades ago because I

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was dating every bad boy in the
book, and I just would do the

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I had such weak boundaries. I
had such high empathy that I would find

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ways to forgive them for their bad
behavior. And by the way, they

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were not bad behavior. They are
not bad people. They had a different

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attachment style than I had. They
had an emotionally avoidant attachment style. They

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probably felt completely smothered and engulfed by
me, so they ran away faster than

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anything. Actually, I was more
like, I would think, anxious,

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ambivalent, which means that I kept
this cool. Nobody could see me sweat,

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nobody could see me suffering. I'd
be like, I will just wait

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it out till he calls me back. But then what would happen is when

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he had eventually would call back.
I was a little snarky, a little

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bitchy. Can I say that on
the radio? Kala, Yeah, that's

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fine, okay. I was a
little resentful, and that's how it would

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come out. But I learned through
therapy that this was a negative gift.

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I was giving myself because it was
playing out on all kinds of childhood stuff

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that I had. And once I
learned that I literally deserve love, nice

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guys started to look attractive to me. Isn't that amazing? I picked a

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guy who's a total giver. Now, let me tell you what's coming up

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in the show before I talk more
about my love life, because he can't

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stop making you sick. All right? Uh, I want to talk about

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deception in relationship and whether it's okay
to ever lie, even tell a white

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lie. There's some science on this. Also, there is one thing that

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can benefit your relationship more than anything
else, and it's an act of self

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care that I will touch on later. Also, dating has changed, and

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now that we're into the new year
twenty twenty four, experts are saying that

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there are some dating trends that are
happening this year that if you're single,

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you should know about. Plus,
I'll be going to social media this week

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to answer some of your questions.
If you want to go onto my social

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media, it's at doctor Wendy Wallash. You can just post a question in

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there. I'll keep your name anonymous, and I'll be happy to answer it

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and I'm going to close up the
show with some of my favorite relationship skills

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that I learn myself, because I
believe relationships are far more about skill than

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luck, and I can teach you
a few of the things that through my

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tricks that I use in my relationship. But first I want to talk about

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the stages of love. First of
all, you should know this. You

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have a certain feeling of love.
Psychologists would call this an internal working model

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for love. Look at that psychobabble. What they mean is you have an

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idea of what feels normal and right
and love to you. The person you're

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in a relationship with might have a
totally different expectation and feeling of love.

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Doesn't mean the two of you don't
love each other. Doesn't mean the two

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of you are not in love,
but you may be having two separate experiences.

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So if you come from the place
of well, if they're in love,

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they should do this or they should
say this, there's no shoulds.

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Okay, there's no shoulds in love. But there is one thing that's common

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in most relationships. Even though you
might be each living in your own love

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world, separate love worlds, and
these are the stages of falling in love

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according to science, because love just
isn't psychological, it's also biological. Right,

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people talk about chemistry. We had
such great chemistry, and generally that

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has to do with, you know, the firing of your neurotransmitters, the

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release of all kinds of delicious neuro
hormones at the beginning, right. So

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a lot of people think that as
they move through the stages of love that

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they are actually falling out of love. But nothing could be further from the

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truth. What they're doing is transitioning
from one phase to another, and each

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phase has its own pros and its
own cons but we have to understand it

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while we're experiencing it, so we
don't just dump somebody because we think,

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oh, oh, nan in love
anymore. All right. So phase one

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is when you first meet somebody and
you're highly attracted, and I like to

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call that the drunk on love stage. This is a stage where your new

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partner can do no wrong in your
eyes. You want to see them all

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the time and talk to them.
In fact, some of the neuro hormones

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that are released actually enable you to
go on less sleep during this stage,

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Like to meet someone new and you're
up like chatting at two to three in

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the morning and you still get up
for work the next day and you're not

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even tired. Yeah, that's the
early stage of drunk on love. Now,

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the pro the wonderful thing about this
stage is it feels so darn good.

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It is delicious. It is literally
the best drug we have, and

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people want to extend this stage as
long as they possibly can. Interesting enough,

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if you do want to extend this
stage, you got to slow things

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down right, delay the onset of
first sex in this new relationship, explore

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each other intellectually, emotionally, physically
in stages in a slow way, and

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then you can extend that. Unfortunately, so many people today jump into bed

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at the first hint of those neural
hormones and then within like a week,

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they're like, I don't have the
same feeling anymore. It must not be

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for me, right, No,
no, no, Stay in the drunk

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in love stage as long as you
can. But here's the big cone.

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You know that saying love is blind. It's true. Those neuro hormones make

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you unable to deserve well. So
one of the problems with the drunken love

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stage is you go into your little
love cocoon and you don't have the eyes

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of your village on that person.
You're not introducing them to your friends and

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family. That's why cultures that have
group dating, or you know, marriages

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where they're what is it called fixed
up marriages, match marriages, made for

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range marriages, raineforce marriages, or
rage marriages often do better right because you

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have the eyes of everybody else helping
you make decisions, and you don't get

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trapped in the drunk on love stage
making poor choices for yourself. So there's

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goods and bads to every single stage. Now, if you're lucky, you

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will move from the drunk on love
stage somewhere near the six month mark.

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In my opinion, it's different for
everybody, right, depends how fast you

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move sexually. It might happen in
two months if you were, you know,

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knocking boots on the first night.
If you're slowing things down, it

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might be nine months or twelve months
before you go into stage two, which

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is called the reality check stage.
When we come back, let's talk about

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what happens in the reality check stage
of your love life. You're listening the

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Doctor Andy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty. We're live everywhere on the

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iHeartRadio App. You're listening to KFI
AM six forty on demand. Welcome back

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to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere

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on the iHeartRadio App. We are
talking about the stages of love that tend

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to be universal. The length of
each stage may vary, but there are

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certain things that happen when you first
meet someone to your neurochemistry that cause a

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sort of cascade of feelings. At
the beginning, and I mentioned that stage

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one is the drunk on love stage
that feels so delicious, but you're really

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not making good decisions. My best
advice on that stage is try to introduce

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the person to as many other people
in your life and get their opinion because

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you need other eyes on your brain
is not making good choices, especially if

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you've experienced childhood trauma and you have
what we call a bad picker. Right,

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it's not a textbook term, but
people like to call it a bad

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picker. You might want other people's
eyes on it, but anyway, stay

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in there, have a great time, and around the six month mark it

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might vary, you start to move
into the reality check phase. This is

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a phase where your brain starts to
see the person as oh, a human

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being, not so perfect as you
imagined, and that's when your prefrontal cortex,

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the reasoning part of your brain,
starts to kick in and do a

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cost benefit analysis, like what is
the cost of being with this person?

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What is the downside? Wait?
What is the benefit of being with this

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person? Because you're learning lots of
things about them now. You're learning you

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know, what they eat and when
they sleep, and who they hang with,

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and what they're goals and values are. In a little bit about their

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financial psychology, and you know,
you're just learning about their politics now,

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and you're learning a bunch of and
you're thinking what am I gonna accept and

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what or is there too much of
a negative that I'm going to have to

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walk away? Now? The important
thing at this reality check stage is that

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you start having healthy communication. I
don't want you to just suddenly make a

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hasty conclusion unless your you know,
red flag list is just you're checking off

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everything there and you're like, oh, oh, these are all deal breakers

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and now I see them. Then
you have my full permission to end things

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quickly and move away and tell the
person, by the way, don't ghost

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them. That shows you don't have
enough emotional intelligence to be able to have

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a conversation with somebody, So how
can you have a relationship? But if

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there aren't too many negatives, I
want you to talk about them, just

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confront them head on, right,
be proactive, because what you're doing now

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he is starting to learn some relationship
skills together. So, Okay, I

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know this is silly and it's little, but I noticed at about the six

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month mark that Julio has a very
weird habit of leaving drawers open, not

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wide open, sometimes an inch.
They might be kitchen drawers, they might

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be bureau or dresser drawers, And
I go around behind them him and close

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them. And I mentioned it to
him, and then I thought to myself,

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is my job? Is this his
problem or my problem? It's really

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not his problem. I mean,
he doesn't mind it. I mind it,

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so it's my problem. So I
brought it up as a cute little

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joke, like, oh my gosh, look at this, And then I

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realized it's not my job to change
him. If I believe this is my

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problem, it's up to me to
do something about it if it bothers me.

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So rather than going around behind him
and slamming drawers closed. Yeah,

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that's called passive aggressive behavior. I
close them with different It sounds funny.

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I make it an exercise routine,
son As I squat down and use the

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back of my heel. Sometimes you
use a knee, sometimes you use an

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elbow or a shoulder, because it's
good to move your body in all different

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ways. And every time I close
one of his drawers, I say the

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words out loud, I love you, Julio. I love you Julio.

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I love you Julio. And he's
in another room laughing at me, and

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he'll be like closing drawers again.
Again. It's just my exercise routine.

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And so I have now transformed what
I perceive to be a negative into a

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positive. So that's a small thing, but there might be bigger things that

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you might have noticed. It's time
then to confront them, all right,

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get past that, and then after
you pass about a year. And I

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really believe, Okay, I want
to say this to everybody. Please let

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a calendar year pass before you start
being so Instagram official. I know that,

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Okay. So I want to tell
some explain something about our perception of

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time. The younger you are,
the longer. It feels that life is

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going on. Remember how long you
had to wait for summer vacation when you

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were a kid, or wait for
Christmas to show up, wait for your

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birthday to roll around. Well,
let me tell you at my age,

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I blink and my new birthdays here, it just time goes very very quickly.

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It speeds up because it's based on
the percentage of time we have been

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on the planet versus how much time
we have left on the planet. So

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I understand when you're in your twenties
that at the two month mark you're wanting

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to post that selfie. Together,
I am going to caution you to please,

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if you're in your twenties, wait
six months. If you're in your

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thirties or forties or fifties or sixties, please wait a year. Please let

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four seasons go by before you publicly
post about your relationship. And here's why,

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there's a very good chance it's not
going to last that long, because

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you know, relationships you know sometimes
don't and then you have to deal with

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the public scrutiny of the breakup while
you're also grieving. So that's hard.

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So I would say wait until you
move into stage three, which I call

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the adjustment phase, which is from
year one to year two, and this

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is when you start to get into
routines. You are fully integrating into each

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other's lives. You may move in
together. You're literally counting how many spatchel

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is between you and dividing up what
to give away, what to keep,

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et cetera. You know, I
recently visited my brother and his wife and

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they've been married, I think like
twelve years, but they had two full

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households. They were both single parents
when they met, and they kept they

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are two full sets of dishes,
like twelve place settings each or something.

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And she said, well, we
just don't want to give up one,

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you know, we want to have
everything together. So I want you to

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know that in this stage three,
the adjustment phase, in the first and

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second year of relationship, you're adjusting
to each other. You're also now figuring

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out who's going to do what in
the household. I don't know if you

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know this, but relationships are about
managing a household, and there's all kinds

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of care that the household may need, and maybe laundry and dishes. It

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may be errands or taking care of
cars or taking out trash or taking care

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of children or whatever, and this
is the time where you need to bring

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it up. Do not wait,
ladies. I'm saying this to ladies because

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research shows it more often happens to
ladies. Don't wait until you're exhausted and

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you're seven years into the relationship and
you have a meltdown and you say all

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I do is work in this house
and you don't do anything. It's the

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adjustment phase where you're going to have
to work out the domestic responsibilities and you're

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going to have to learn to compromise. All right, stage four, maybe

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you're there the all in stage two
to five years. Let's talk about this

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when we come back. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on

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KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening

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to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls

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Show on KFI AM six forty.
Are live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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I'm talking about the stages of love, how our idea of love changes as

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our relationship grows more secure, more
mature, more safe, hopefully not more

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boring. Right, So, after
the all in stage. You've made your

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big commitment to each other. You're
either moving in or getting engaged or getting

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married, you know, basically around
the two year mark. I am in

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now because I've been with Julio three
and a half years. What I call

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the rejuvenation stage. And let me
explain what that is. That's relationships.

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After you've been together three years or
more, you become so accustomed to each

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other, you have worked out most
of the kings. You are starting to

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fall into maybe a mature companionate love, which is not a bad thing.

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Hopefully you have maintained emotional intimacy,
you've developed deep trust and honesty. But

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the downside here is you risk sliding
into routine, sliding into boredom. Let

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me explain something about the human mind. The human mind needs the perfect balance

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of excitement and safety and security.
So we don't want too much excitement.

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I mean, a little bit once
in a while is really fun. But

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if you're living a life that's filled
with a relationship that's filled with roller coasters

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and it's all ups and downs,
that can be very exhausting, destabilizing and

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does not feel secure. On the
other hand, if your relationship has become

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so safe and so routine that it
verges on boredom. Your brain is going

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to look around for some excitement,
and hopefully your brain is not going to

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look outside of your relationship for that
excitement. But there are things you can

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do in the rejuvenation stage to add
novelty to your relationship. I want to

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say there's tons of research on this. So long term monogamous people who report

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after the five year mark still feeling
deeply in love with their partner, still

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feeling excited by their partner, they
always seem to do one important thing,

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well two things actually. One is
they maintain some autonomy. This doesn't mean

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secrets from your partner. We're going
to be talking about deception next. Autonomy

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just means personal growth, things that
you're into. For instance, ma Julio

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is into classic cars. The magazines
around the house full of classic cars.

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He's swiping on his phone. It's
not tender, it's old cars. It's

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the wildless thing. And he'll be
like, look at these wingee wipers.

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They're original. They'll be like,
yeah, okay, he knows every part,

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specifically classic Porschas. He's obsessed like
a savant. A car will drive

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by and he will mention the wheels
and I have to go, oh,

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yeah, those are great wheels.
I don't know what the hell he's talking

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about, all right, but I
go with it. That's his thing.

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He has this hobby, he has
his friends. He rides motorcycles with the

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guys. Once in a while,
he goes to see classic car shows with

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the guy. That's his thing,
and I'm glad he continues to grow in

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that area. I also happen to
get in the car with him the other

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day. I got in his car
because we had been taking my car into

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the shop, and the radio went
full blast with some kind of sports podcast,

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and they were talking about which young
men athletes were being cast in the

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next scene of the next season of
whatever sport. I don't think those are

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the right words. They're not cast
on a team, Kayla. What are

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they? They picked for a team? There's a drafted You go yeah,

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and then who I said to Julio, Oh, I love that you're into

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all this boys stuff, and he
goes, yeah, I have a little

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pocket when I'm not with you into
mustard. Right. So, anyway,

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you have to grow independently in your
relationship and still do your own stuff.

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That you're interested in, right,
But at the same time, you have

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to create novelty and excitement in your
relationship. So my favorite thing is live

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comedy. Julio never went to live
comedy in his whole darn life, but

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he will surprise me every once in
a while with tickets to live comedy,

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and he likes to do that.
So we do something novel and different.

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He likes to go to art museums. I should like it more because it's

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good for your brain and your mind
and it's a smarty pants thing to do.

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But he's smarter than me, so
he gets tickets all the time to

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art museums and we go and or
we will do road trips, like if

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we're running errands, he will say, let's just go to a different neighborhood,

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go to a different home depot to
get the suffet I don't know it,

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will find a different place for lunch. These small things put your partner

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in different schema, which means it
puts them in a different setting and your

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eyes see your partner in a different
light. And this actually creates a newness,

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a new feeling to your relationship.
So when you're in this rejuvenation stage,

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while it feels safe and secure and
trustworthy and wonderful and peaceful. In

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all that, I advise you not
to let it slip into boredom. Think

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of things that are new and different
to do, because this is the most

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secure thing you can do for your
relationship. At the same time, you

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know, cultivate a little bit of
independence, grow individually, because that's something

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you can bring back into your relationship. You know, the other night,

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I was out to dinner with two
longtime girlfriends. We don't get to see

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each other very much. We're all
roommates in our twenties and now we're having

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birthdays decades later. And on the
way I couldn't even wait until I got

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home. I got in the car
and I called him and I told him

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all the new news that I had
got at dinner. Right, it was

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all exciting to me. And so
that's what you need to do, is

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bring new thought into your relationship.
And also, if you find yourself sliding

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into negativity the what has he done
for me lately kind of thinking, I

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want you to work hard to shift
your brain into gratitude. Catch your long

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term partner being good at least once
a day, and say thank you and

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be specific what you're thanking them for
and tell them how and why it has

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improved your life. Stay in a
place of gratitude and your relationship will stay

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exciting. Also do some new stuff, new stuff, you know, when

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we come back. I've always wondered
about whether it's okay to do little white

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lies in your relationship. Well,
I did a little white lie recently in

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my relationship. It wasn't like full
on lie. What it was is I

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just chose not to disclose report something
that happened. You know, omitting a

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story is that a lie? Let's
explore this when we come back. You

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are listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty. We're

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live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to KFI AM six forty on

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00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:22.680
demand. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty.

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We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app
if you're just joining the show.

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I have a PhD in clinical psychology, I'm a psychology professor, and I

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am obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books on relationships,

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did a dissertation on attachment theory,
and I spend a great deal of time

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on my social media and writing books
and blogs and podcasts and just talking the

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science of love because I am fascinated
by it. I should let you know

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that every Wednesday we have a wonderful
Patreon group, a lot of KFI listeners,

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00:23:52.759 --> 00:23:56.400
some other people actually, some from
all over the world, and it's

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00:23:56.440 --> 00:23:59.759
at six thirty every Wednesday night.
If you want to join that, you

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just go to patreon dot com slash
doctor Wendy Walsh. I'd love to meet

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you all right. Deception deception in
your personal relationships. This is quite a

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controversial subject. Now. Deception involves
either lying outright telling a lie. Sometimes

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it's just distorting the facts a little
bit. Sometimes it's full on making up

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stories, hiding the truth, or
just misleading your partner in some way.

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Now, there are different kinds of
deception, and some are worse than others,

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and there is some debate about what
is okay deception and what isn't.

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So here's an example. One time
I had a friend and she wanted me

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to go to my dermatologist. There
was this certain kind of I don't know,

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glycolic acid or something she wanted me
to buy, and she wanted to

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meet me and give me cash for
me to go buy the for her.

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And I'm thinking to herself myself,
why what's the cash and what's the slip

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and the money to me? And
what's this about? And she said,

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I don't want to call in order
it myself because I don't want it to

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go on a credit card, because
I don't want my husband to know.

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And I said, oh, because
he has you on a budget. And

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she said, no, I don't
want him to know. I'm using things

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on my skin to look younger.
And then she said, which was hysterical

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to me, the truth is he
wouldn't want to know. Well, I'm

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sure he would have wanted to know, because soon after her skin got looking

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good and she lost a little bit
of weight, she divorced him. She

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00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:45.359
was getting ready for the mating market
place. That's what that deception was about,

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anyway. So there's certain kinds of
deception that seems so light, but

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maybe they're not. Now I said, I would share some deception with you.

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00:25:56.200 --> 00:26:00.119
I think I might have already mentioned
on the show. Where's my problem?

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Since I'm an external processor, I
literally don't have the ability to lie

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because I think out loud all the
time, Kayleb, did I tell you

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that? Like the day after we
got engaged, I get a phone call

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from one of the old bad boys
that used to chase me back in the

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day. No way, Uh huh? What did he say? He was

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on and off relationship for like ten
years, broke my heart over and over

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00:26:22.960 --> 00:26:26.480
and over again. Again he did
nothing. I kept throwing myself You know

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what they say, you don't throw
good money back over bad money, or

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00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:33.000
you don't try to get blood from
a stone. You know, doing the

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00:26:33.000 --> 00:26:37.119
same thing over and over and expecting
a different outcomes defines same thing. All

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00:26:37.160 --> 00:26:41.440
of that means the same thing.
I kept throwing myself back at somebody who

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wasn't able to give me the love
I deserved. So he calls, pretends

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he doesn't know, but maybe he
does, like the unconscious knows all.

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And he says, Oh, I'm
coming into town love to get together for

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coffee. You haven't seen you in
a few years. And I say,

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I just got engaged, and he
said, oh, congratulations, that great.

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Okay, Well i'll call you next
week and I'm in town. That

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was four weeks ago. I neglected
to tell Julio about that exchange because I

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00:27:12.839 --> 00:27:17.319
was like, I don't want him
to get all jealous over nothing that doesn't

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matter. But then I'm kind of
telling a white lie. So here's the

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thing, honey, I know you're
listening. He listens to the show.

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That's the problem. So I tell
every truth out on the show. So

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Julio's listening, So now you know. Anyway, I felt bad about that

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because we have such honesty between us
that even small benign things I think should

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be told in relationships. I think
there's no such thing as okay deception.

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People will say, well, I
don't want to hurt my partner, so

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I shouldn't tell them that. But
look, if you were outright lying,

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if you're concealing your spending and finances, that's financially cheating, and that can

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be dangerous in relationships. If you're
embellishing your background, you met somebody,

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and it's a problem. If you're
outright fabricating stories, if you're omitting information

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like I did, if you're even
withholding your true feelings about something, withholding

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your emotions can be a form of
lying. Now, obviously, if you're

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literally cheating, that's a big form
of lying. Here's the problem. You

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say to yourself you know, it's
just a white lie. I don't want

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to upset them. They're not going
to care if I spent that little extra

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money or whatever. But what happens
is once you learn you can lie a

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little bit, then you learn you
can lie a lot because there aren't repercussions

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00:28:47.079 --> 00:28:52.279
if you're pulling it off. And
the other thing that happens is all it

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00:28:52.400 --> 00:28:59.440
takes is one lie or omission of
fact to be discovered and you've lost all

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00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:03.240
trust and relationship. There was some
research out of the Kinsey Institute last year

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00:29:03.799 --> 00:29:11.519
that asked people on dating apps what
was the thing in profiles or on first

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00:29:11.640 --> 00:29:15.720
dates that made them turn off a
potential mate more than anything, and they

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00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:21.839
said the discovery of any lie.
So if you're lying about something like your

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00:29:21.920 --> 00:29:25.440
height, or your weight or your
age on a dating app, what happens

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00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:27.279
when the person meets you and they
go you But they're searching by age,

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00:29:27.359 --> 00:29:30.240
right, and if I put that
I'm actually that age, they might not

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00:29:30.440 --> 00:29:33.480
find me. So I'll just tell
them on the first date the truth.

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You know what they feel deceived as
soon as they meet you for that first

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00:29:38.039 --> 00:29:41.920
coffee, and you tell them by
the way I lie on my app this

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00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:45.039
is, then they don't know what
to believe. They don't know what else

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00:29:45.079 --> 00:29:48.119
they can believe at all. If
you can lie that easily and that publicly,

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00:29:48.960 --> 00:29:52.359
then you have lowered your mate status
in their eyes. That happens in

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00:29:52.359 --> 00:29:57.480
intimate relationships too. All it takes
is the discovery of one omission, one

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00:29:57.559 --> 00:30:03.160
little lie, and you have lost
trust. And it takes so long to

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00:30:03.279 --> 00:30:08.559
build that trust up in a partner. I know why you lie. You're

401
00:30:08.559 --> 00:30:12.880
trying to avoid a fight. You
want to preserve your own self image,

402
00:30:14.200 --> 00:30:17.359
you want to seek approval, you
want to hide that you're a little bit

403
00:30:17.400 --> 00:30:22.200
insecure about something. You want to
protect your partner so they don't get hurt

404
00:30:22.200 --> 00:30:25.279
by information. You know what.
Let them decide if they're going to get

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00:30:25.319 --> 00:30:29.599
hurt or not. You're not in
charge of their feelings, right, Maybe

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00:30:29.640 --> 00:30:33.519
you might fear the consequence of telling
that lie. Whatever it is, deception

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00:30:34.200 --> 00:30:40.640
harms relationships. Okay, maybe you're
in a relationship and you're wondering if your

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partner is deceiving you. Well,
there are some telltale signs, and I'll

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explain when we come back. You
are listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show

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on KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM

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six forty on demand,