In this episode. This is my first solo interview. Probably gonna botch it,
probably gonna fuck it all the fuck up, But you know, hang
in there. Lucky for you all, I have our own Latter Day Lesbian
superstar here. Today I will be interviewing Austin Arrowwood. So let's take a
quick break. Or maybe I won't. I don't know at this point.
I don't even know if I'm gonna do commercials. How about that. I
don't know what I'm doing. Okay, So I'm gonna take a break just
in case, and then come right back. Welcome to the Latter Day Lesbian
Podcast, the podcast about an ex Mormon gay girl just trying to figure out
her life. I am Shelley. That's fucking it. I am Shelley.
But today we have Austin Arrowwood. Welcome to the show. Austin. Thank
Shelley. I'm happy to be here. Good. It would suck if you
were like talk a little bit really quickly about Austin. Austin was born and
raised as a faithful Mormon. He's the second of six children. By age
five, he knew his gender did not match his insides. Austin was born
female. He got married in the temple to a man at age nineteen and
had two kids. Sorry about that, by the way, the whole temple.
Shit, yeah, yeah, we can do secret handshakes later. Okay.
They divorced. When he was twenty nine, Austin came out as a
lesbian and was excommunicated from the church. He rejoined the church and lived as
a celibate lesbian for eight and a half years. Oh, we're going to
talk about that. We are going to talk the fuck about that, Austin.
In twenty fifteen, he had his name removed from the church records after
the exclusion policy was leaked and his daughter was denied for missionary service. He
was in and out of a mental health unit thirteen times from age twenty five
to forty three, whilst struggling to hide his true identity from himself and everyone
else. In twenty twenty, Austin came out as trans. He started testosterone
in April of twenty twenty. He had top surgery in November of that year,
and next week he will be getting bottom surgery. Four days. Oh
my gosh, so ld Ellers just see you know, when I asked Austin,
I'm like, hey, man, I know you're getting surgery coming up,
would you be comfortable talking about it, because yeah, it's kind of
a private thing. And Austin was like, fuck, yeah, nobody talks
about it. This needs to be talked about, Like where do you get
the information? What do you so whatever, we're going to talk about that
shit. So, Austin, when you and I first met, God,
did you start listening to the podcast at the very beginning? I think so
I did. Yeah. I think I came in when you were like three
episodes in or something. Shit. But you started episode one though, right,
yes, of course? Okay, okay, good, good who and
and back then you were presenting as a woman like I met you as I'm
a pretty but sure, right right there was a talk of trans just yet
right right, So tell me, I guess how you found the podcast and
I kind of was a little bit of your journey from there. Okay,
so the podcast actually found I think I was googling like lesbian Mormons, you
know, because that's such a small group of people, or I thought it
was anyway, and it's not a dating site by the way, go ahead,
right right, So, uh, and I came across the podcast and
I listened and I was like, hey, I like these people. They're
pretty funny, you know. And I was like seven kids, Holy fuck?
And uh, you know just got drawn in, I guess, and
you were still Mormon. Then I was, yes, well I was just
leaving the church actually, okay, yeah, and I then I got married
to a woman, and that was another yeah. Anyway, so I love
how you skimmed right over that. Do you need to do you need to
pry because I will pride? Okay, yeah, you got you got married.
You got married to a woman as a woman, you were lesbian woman.
Okay, yeah, so I got married to a woman as a woman.
My parents refused to come to the wedding. They said they could not
be where evil resides. So yeah, so they would not attend my wedding.
And one of my siblings came, one of my sisters, and that
marriage was only for four years. It was one of those we probably should
have never gotten married. We made really good friends, but yeah, I
should should have never gotten married. Do you think that that we never should
have got married has anything to do with you being trans? Very much?
So? Yeah, okay, cool, I knew that I was trans.
I remember telling a therapist when I was twenty five that my gender did not
match right, and she convinced me at the time that no, I'm just
a lesbian. You know, I'm not trans. Your therapist convinced me yes.
And this was not a Mormon therapist. Was this a mom therapist?
Okay, thank God? No. Actually, funny story. I was in
Mormon therapy for a long time because my bishop told me I needed to be
oh God. And the Mormon therapist actually told me, if you have to
choose between killing yourself or leaving the church, please leave the church. Years
later, I came across him on the next Mormon board. He's no longer
a member. He took his whole family out with him. Good for him.
Yeah, and he was not I was with oh the S Family Services
when he was my therapist. He's no longer you know. He judged them
a couple of years later. So yeah, wow, they're so okay.
I know this is supposed to be an interview about your upcoming surgery, but
we're just there's so much to talk about here. I just have a million
questions. So first of all, how old are you? I am only
forty nine in March. Okay, so we're like a year. I'm a
year older than you, so as you're elder, I'm going to talk down
to you and tell you how life is okay because I've got this shit all
figured out right. So for me growing up, trans it wasn't a thing.
You know, it was people were called transvestites, and it was a
bad thing, and it was just men who dressed like women in order to
be pedophiles. Like that was the knowledge that I had. Is that absolutely
that's how you were taught. Yes, yeah, that's that's exactly it.
I did not know that trans men existed. I never heard of that.
I've heard it, you know, I've heard of butch lesbian dykes as they
were often referred to. I had heard that, you know, women like
to be masculine because they have penis eNB but never trans men. That was
not something I had ever heard of. So when I was twenty five and
I told my therapist, like, I feel like when God was handing out
jumpsuits in heaven, he gave me the wrong one, and like that's how
I worded it because I was like, I knew it was incongruent, it
didn't match with how I felt. But I did not know that that was
actually a thing that could happen. All I'd heard about was the negative.
There are men who dressed like women and molest children, that's right, you
know, And so I was like, oh, I'm not one of those
people like that. Yeah, you know. So yeah, I didn't think
it was even I didn't even know it existed. So at what point,
I know we had I couldn't even tell which episode, but we interviewed someone
one time who's transom and her first eye opening experiences experience was watching the Jerry
Springer Show where she saw like these trans people and she's like, oh my
god, that's me, which is so weird to have that, you know,
insight from the Jerry Springer Show. But was there something that clicked with
you that made you think, wait, this is actually a thing, right.
Well? I remember, like when I was five, I would play
house with my best friend who lived down the street, and I always wanted
to be the dad. I would put like rolled up socks in my pants
so that I would have a bulge, like I knew how my body I
wanted my body to look. When I was twelve eleven twelve, a girl
moved in across the street and I remember putting my hair up in my baseball
cap and like rolling up my sleeves and playing basketball out on my patio,
trying to get her to notice me and wanting her to think I was a
boy, like I did not want her to notice me as a girl,
gotcha, which was also confusing. And then I had dreams starting when I
was twelve, like sexual dreams, and in my dreams, I was always
male. I always had male genitals. I was always having sex with girls.
So it was very confusing to have this going on in my head.
So I would stay in my head. I knew from the time I was
little, little, but I didn't have words for it, right, I
just knew that, like and all I knew was I must be horrible and
awful and wrong because the church said you were female in heaven, you're female
now, you'll be female when you die, so like there was no other
option. That that's it's kind of like, you know, I got married
in the temple because there was no other option, Like, right, you
don't go be with women, that's not going to happen because you were born
with the wrong genitals, So you know, it's not actually a choice,
like sometimes people have told me, well, you chose to get married,
you chose to have all these kids, Like did I really you know,
I guess at the end of the day, I was like, like,
yeah, I made the babies with the husband. I got married in the
temple. But the choice is you do this because God wants or you don't
do it and you are a sinner and you go to hell and your family's
sad. Like it's not a choice. It really isn't. Yeah, it's
like your choices. I tear apart my family for all of eternity and everyone
hates me because I destroyed the family unit. Or you get married and have
babies, like you know, like it's not really a choice. It's kind
of like really is expected and you will do it right, right, you
know that expectation is thick and running. Yeah, it's not at least in
my family, and I'm assuming for years as well and most of our listeners.
It's not just a pass of like you know, it would be nice
if you would get married in the temple. No, no, no,
no. It was like you do this or you do nothing at all,
Like there's not an option if you look back. I mean, I taught
primary for several years. If you look back to primary age, you know,
starting at age three, I love to see the temple. I'm going
there someday. Families are forever hate that song. These are the songs that
you're taught from the time you're three years old, so you know there is
no other option. If you're a boy, you will serve a mission.
You will get the priest, you'll pass the sacrament, you will go to
you know, like there's no choice. You'll go to seminary, you'll get
married in the temple, and you'll have your babies, and you'll die and
go to heaven like that's that's it, and keep having babies for eternity.
That sounds horrible, by the way, I know, I know well.
And something else I wanted to say. So for our age group growing up,
there wasn't the Internet. It's not like you could do research and start
to think, I wonder if this is a bunch of bullshit. There was
nothing. There was nothing that would make you think for a second that it
wasn't true. It was just this is true. Am I gonna be obedient
and make everyone happy and go to heaven? Or am I going to be
disobedient and burn in hell and have my whole family sad and cry. There
was no this might not be true, right right, right, that's not
an option. No, I didn't think this might not be true till I
was in my forties. Oh exactly. I actually left the church before I
determined that it wasn't true. So you so you left the church because lesbian
right at the time, that right, because of the final straw for me
was the exclusion policy. I had actually been excommunicated in two thousand and four
when I had an affair with a woman and ended my marriage and you know
all that kind of stuff. Yeah, so I was excommunicated and and then
I rejoined the church because my girlfriend at the time was also Mormon, and
she said, I cannot be with you unless you remember the church. Wow,
because we weren't having sex anyway after the first six months. So I
was like, all right, So I rejoined the church, went through all
the process to get my tune to recommend back, and is a card carrying
member for the next nine years. Wow. Wow. In this relationship that
was it was not a good relationship. It was one of those ones where
it was it was my first real love and I thought, you know I'm
never going to find another woman like her, so I need to stay with
her, even though we were both miserable, and it should have never lasted
as long as it did. But that's another story. Oh you've got lots.
Awesome, you've got lots. I do, I've lived a lot.
Yeah. The requirement that the church had for you to get baptized again,
what were some of the things that they wanted from you? So the first
thing I was told is that if I were to be rebaptized, there would
be an asterisk next to my name on the records of the church. The
asterisk next to my name gave them the knowledge that I could not work with
youth. The junior primary was fine, Shut the fuck up. Well,
junior primary was fine. Not senior primary, and not youth, the young
men, young woman because I guess if you're a lesbian, you're a pedophile.
Not really sure how that works, but well that's anything that's not straight
is pedophile, right, according to the church back then, And there's still
a lot of people that I think believe that to this day. The Church
has come a long way. I'm not getting props to the church when I
say that, I'm just you know, not at all. I'm just saying
it's not as rampant that everyone feels like if you are gay, queer,
whatever, that your pedophile. But there still a lot of them, do
you know? I still think the app rachelons believe that shit, all the
old dudes. Yeah, for sure. So how did that make you feel?
I'm sure you must have recognized like, oh, they don't trust me
with like young teenage girls. How did that make you feel? It made
me feel creepy. Yeah, like honestly, especially since I had kids,
like right, you know, so it just made me feel gross, like
I wasn't on the same level as the other people at your you know.
And then there's also the I had to meet with the bishop every week,
and in these meetings it would be you know, have you had any inappropriate
thoughts? Have you masturbated? Wow? Watched any pornography? You know?
Do you think about kissing other women in relief society? No? You know,
like wait, wait, kiss other women that are in release society?
Or while you're written relief society thinking about kissing other like kissing other women in
the ward? All right, right right, their a friend. I'm going
to drag down another woman in our ward and you know, take her out
of her celestial marriage, like you might have had that power, Austin.
I don't know. Maybe props to you. Yeah, thanks, Yeah.
You know what sucks too is that so many men have been accused of and
even convicted of being pedophiles, of having sexual contact with youth, and they
are still allowed some of them are still allowed to work in the youth program.
Oh yeah, Like, what the fuck's up with the double standard?
You know, I have no clue. Yeah, there isn't an answer for
that, because it's it's bullshit for sure, for sure. Okay, so
you were able to come back to the church and you did this for the
girl that you were now just going to be friends with, right right,
right? So how that worked out? You know this sounds ridiculous, right
I do? I do? And she so she would make contact with me,
okay, yeah, like every six months she would cut off contact with
me because she'd say she had revelation that that's what needed happen Jesus. Then
when she missed me, suddenly the revelation was gone. I don't know.
She'd come back and we did this back and forth for a long time and
then I said. One day tour. We were talking on the phone.
It was first thing in the morning, and I said, I can't do
this anymore. And I meant the back and forth, like the up,
down, in out, you know thing. Yeah, she took it as
I can't do the relationship anymore. So she blocked me on everything. She
moved all of her stuff out, like done, that was it, and
y'all were living together. She was living with me part time, but she
didn't have her kids. She would be at my house, and then when
she had her kids, she would be at her house. So but you
were just roommates. Yeah, of course. So when she moved out all
of her stuff and cut off all contact, it was like a month later.
She was posting on Facebook about like her new girlfriend and how she was
like totally with her and posting pictures with her. And I had been blocked
from posting anything about our relationship anywhere. Wow. So I was like,
well, thanks, I guess and I was like, I screw you,
I'm done. And so she just came all the way out, like you
know, I'm assuming she left the church. I don't know. I just
think I think I no longer remember I'm not sure how that worked out.
I don't talk to her anymore, so, like we have zero contact at
this point. So yeah, it was weird, but whatever. I know,
you look back on relationships and things, You're like, wow, that's
now that I'm saying it out loud, that's really weird. I know.
I know, I look back and I'm like, I was an idiot,
but okay, I learned. It makes a good story, I know.
Wow. So we broke up in September of twenty fourteen, and then the
exclusion policy happened in I think it was January of twenty fifteen. Yeah,
so for some of our listeners might not know what that is. Do you
mind explaining that? Yeah, So the exclusion policy was something that was actually
leaked. It wasn't supposed to be not general knowledge to the church members,
and some linked it on the internet, of course, and it came out
that they will put in the handbook that children of gay parents could not be
baptized, they could not get blessed, they could not serve missions, they
could not advance in the priesthood, and all gay members would be considered apostates
if they were, you know, like it's went into all these basically,
you are less than if you are gay or if your parents are gay.
And so I'm like, my issue was, you're punishing children because they do
believe it's punishment to not be able to get baptized, blessed, whatever,
go on a mission. You know, you're punishing children for the sins of
their parents, right, sins and quotations. Right, Which isn't that what
they say in the second Article of Faith where we don't do, yeah,
punish for own sins and not for Adam's transgressions. I wonder how many of
those I could still I could still rattle off. Unfortunately I can still say
all of them. But we'll say that for you know, for another time.
Yeah, okay. So so when that policy came out, I was
kind of leaving the church ish, I mean I was mentally had left,
I guess, and I was being a little more vocal on social media about
some problems issues that I was having, and that policy came out and I
made some complaints about it, and some ward members are kind of like,
well, what do you care? Right, what do you care? You
and Brent both left the church. Why do you care? And it's like,
okay, let's pretend Brent hadn't left the church, none of my kids
would be able to go through the steps of Mormonism. Now people I think,
well, good, you don't want them to anyway, That's not the
point. Here's the point is that these kids, if they are believing,
they are going to be looked down upon by their peers because they're not getting
baptized, they're not getting the priesthood, they're not advancing in these ranks,
they're not doing all the cool shit you get to do as a boy when
you go higher and hire in the ranks. Why because their mom is gay.
So that's basically, in a nutshell, it's it's it's I guess it
does punish the parent and that you are heartbroken for your child, but it
puts this divide between the parent and the child because now it's your fault,
Austin, if your kid can't go on a mission or if you're you know,
if my could get it's my fault for being gay, you know,
And that's that fucking sucks. So that was a big That was a big
deal. So that was your turning point, you would say, is that
was my turning point because my daughter had put in her mission papers and this
policy came out. Fuck, and they knew that I was a lesbian,
and they my girlfriend, my new girlfriend had moved in with me or she
was just a roommate at the time. We weren't even dating, I think,
and she had moved in to the extra room in our house, right,
and they found out about her living there, that I was a lesbian.
That wasn't even practic to sing lesbianism at the time, you know,
right, And she was excluded from missionary service, honorably excluded. That was
all they would tell her. Wow, And I was like, that's really
they didn't give They didn't give her a reason. M What did she say
about that? God, that's fucking crazy. She was upset, Yeah,
because she knew why, you know, she wasn't She's not stupid. She
knew why she was being excluded. Would she upset it? You or at
the church? At the church good good? Although she is still an active
member, sure, but just saying she could see the difference and that's good.
Yes, Yeah, she knew. She she and she has actually given
talks in church about this. You know, she has said, my parents
had no choice in how they feel. They have no choice, like they
were born this way, and if you look back at photos of them as
a child, you can tell they were born this way. Like this is
not somebody they just woke up one day and we're like, I'm going to
choose to do this. You know, like when you're shoving socks and your
pants to have a bulge, Austin, that's a clear sign, right right,
like something it's not right there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that was the final straw that for me. I was like,
I can't do this to pretend like I'm okay with these doctrines that I'm not
okay with. Yeah, you know. I was like one of the things
we're taught or that the Bible taught was God is the same today, you
know, yesterday and today and forever. Why does Mormon God change his mind
so much about things like you know, blacks can have the priest said,
oh nope, now they can you know, polygamy right right, yeah,
no, wait, that's not working for us because we're getting kicked out of
our state. So God doesn't want us to do that anymore, you know,
yeah yeah, And so I'm like it's just to me, it was
so frustrating that people were suffering because old men decided that they don't like gay
people. It's the bottom line. It's nothing to do with God, right.
I was like, this, this is not God. I don't see
God anywhere in this. That was Yeah, that was my final straw for
that one. Gotcha. So did you have your name removed from the record?
You said you did that. Yeah. Yeah, So I sent to
I don't remember if I send a letter or an email one or the other
to salt Lake and I was like, hey, I'm done. I can't
do this, and please remove my name from the records. Do not contact
me. If you do, I will contact an attorney. And that was
it. I got an email or a letter in the mail, I guess
a few years later or a few months later that said you're done. You
know your name has been removed. So how did your family take that?
I mean, since I'd already been excommunicated once. Here we go again.
Yeah, it wasn't like they were overly shocked. You beat them down already,
Austin, exactly. You know, my mom had a bigger problem when
I came out as trans, and my dad was actually not shocked. None
of my siblings were shocked. None of my friends have been shocked that knew
me, but my mom really had a hard time with it. Yeah,
that's kind of a whole other level, you know, right, And it's
not a bad level. I'm just saying like that, that's that could surely
be a bigger jump for a parent to yes have been and being the oldest
daughter, you know, Okay, Like, yeah, I mean you're the
only daughter, so you kind of understand how that sure that goes. But
I was the oldest daughter that was supposed to be setting any example for all
my younger siblings, and you know, yeah, I fucked that up.
So way to go, Austin. I know. So, how long after
you completely left the church did you start, I guess having more the idea
of transitioning. Yeah, I actually started testosterone in twenty seventeen. Okay,
However, I was married to my wife at the time was not okay with
the changes testosterone brought around. She was not okay with me being male.
You know, She's like, I am a lesbian. I want to be
with a woman, you know, And I was like okay, So I
stopped testosterone, went back in the closet. Yeah, and then we moved
to Texas, which was a whole nother shit show. And while we were
in Texas, I ended up being in the mental health unit for a month.
I would be in there for like ten days. I came home for
like a day, and I'd go right back in again the first time going
in. What happened? What was what was the break that made you go
the first time going in? When you went to Yeah, when you went
to Texas? Yeah, what was the So the well that was the last
time I went in the mental health you know, is when we lived in
Texas. Got you Okay? Yeah, My first time going to the mental
health you know was when my son was two. So this was when I
was twenty five, okay, And while I was in the mental health unit
that time. Actually, that's an interesting story. While I was in the
mental health unit, they had us straw a self portrait, and I I
drew this self portrait. And my self portrait was a face divided down the
middle, and on one half there was a girl with long hair and a
frown and peers coming down her rise. And then on the other half there
was a boy with a football jersey and a huge smile and like really short
hair. Wow. And they asked me, like what does this picture represent?
And I said, well, this is the person I see inside,
and I pointed to the boy's side and I was like, but I know
that this is what everyone else sees. And they were like, have you
ever explored that with a therapist? And I was like, well yeah,
but she told me I didn't know what I was talking about. So there
you go. And you were still married and all that back then, right,
like, yeah, wow, did your husband know about the self portrait?
Was he aware of all of this? Yeah? Yeah, he had
always wondered, you know, like when I came out as lesbian him,
he was like, yeah, I know, and so nothing shocked him.
He was not at all surprised. I got always dressed masculine. I'd always
want to, you know, kept my hair short. It was not like
this was a huge shocker, Oh my god. You know, but the
last time I was in the mental health unit that was in Texas, and
I would go in and i'd come out. As soon as I get home,
I'd just feel this. I don't even know how to explain it.
It's like a dark presence. I guess that would just settle over me,
my whole body, and I felt so heavy, and so sad, and
I was like, there's no way out of this except death. That was
the point I was at, like, I can't escape this. And in
the Church you're taught that any earthly ailments you have will be fixed when you
die. You will be perfected in the next life, in the Church's version
of perfection of course, right. And one of my biggest issues to this
day with that teaching is that Mormon youth are killing themselves if they are LGBTQ
because they believe that's the only way they're going to be accepted and loved and
healed. That's again in quotation marks, you know, is to just die
and make it to the other side. Yeah, that's I. I hate
that for everyone. I hate that, especially for the for the youth because
they don't have that life experience yet. Of you know, some do now
as time goes on, but typically the youth, they don't have friends who
are trans. There's not like trans people they see on TV. And even
if they do, if they have been so brainwashed and thinking that's wrong and
if you know it'll be, you'll be made clean after you die. Like,
what a fucked up thing to to live your life just waiting to die
because you can't act on how you're feeling, You're going to be lonely.
You feel this darkness all over you know. I have gone through a lot
of depressive episodes, and I would describe it similarly like black tar, heavy,
black tar all over you. That it's heavy and it seeps into every
pore and you just can't pull it off. So to live your life like
that and know this is how I have to feel until I die, no
wonder, no wonder. The suicide rate is higher than it freaking I mean,
way higher than it should be, but for these poor kids because there's
not there's no out unless you're dead, and that's horrible. Yes, it
makes me furious. Yeah, So were you considering taking your life? Yeah?
Yeah. And my wife and I moved back to Oregon. We've got
a divorce because our marriage was not working. You know, we weren't physically
intimate. She had no attraction to me at all. I was so miserable
that I just snapped all the time, Like I was always snappy and grumpy,
and like I just couldn't be happy. You stopped taking testosterone for her,
right, Yes, you seem to have this pattern of trying to do
what is right for you and then being like, oh fuck, I'm hurting
someone, I'm disappointing someone, reverse reverse reverse, is that it's that people
pleasing mode that you you know, yep, yep, oh god, yeah.
So how did that end up? Then? Uh, well, we're
we're good friends now. Oh that's good. Yeah, but it blew up
at the time. We didn't talk probably a good year and a half after
we broke up, just because there's a lot of hurt there, you know.
Of course, that's a lot of things that were not nice. And
I don't hurt people say things. That's what I've figured out through the years.
Yes, yes you don't mean it, but it's how you feel at
the time and still hurts to hear it, exactly exactly. So after her,
I dated another person and I was fully out of chance to them,
but they made it clear they were not okay with bottom surgery, And at
first I was okay with not having bottom surgery. I didn't think I would
want it. I hadn't had top surgery yet, and all I saw when
I looked in the mirror was my boobs, So I was like, I
don't even think about what's blow the waist like, you know, well,
once those were gone, let's be honest, she had big boobs, Austin,
I did, very Yes, even with the binder, you couldn't hide
them, so okay, yeah, yeah, So once they were gone,
I was like, well, let's not jump over that. I don't remember,
and our listeners remember, because anyone here who doesn't know Austin Austin,
he has always been very active in the latter day let be in podcast discussion
group, very honest with what's going on, talking about things, and people
are just all up in your business in a good way, like they cheer
for you. When you were first talking about having top surgery, I remember
you being excited for it, but then wavering, going back and forth and
feeling like, oh shit, I'm about to disappoint it everyone. Maybe I
shouldn't do this, Like, let's talk about that for a minute, because
I remember that you had sent me some polos. I remember, and there
was just some. You were depressed, you weren't sure, you were kind
of backsliding a bit, Go ahead, talk about it. That was just
the boobs. Yeah, I knew my family would be disappointed. Sure,
you know, because there's no going back after you have parts of your body
removed, so you know, and it kind of was the final Yes,
this is really who I am. And I knew that that would be an
issue. So as much as I hated them, and had hated them my
entire life. Your boobs, not your family, your boobs yet right,
right, I knew that it would still disappoint people, yeah, and change
how they saw me. And I was scared about how my family would react
when you know, when I came out as a lesbian, I was disowned
for five months. Oh I'm so sorry, Like I said, they wouldn't
come to my wedding. And then when I came out as trans, my
mom sent me a message on Facebook that said I became gay to spite my
ex husband, and then that didn't give me enough attention. So now I
was being trans? Are you serious? Yeah? Yeah, I actually posted
screenshots of it in the group. You must really hate that ex husband.
I do. I'm going to be trans. I'm gonna have massive surgery because
I hate him so much, right, And I was like, I hadn't
even talked to him in years by at this point, so I was like,
I really think she's got nothing to do with it, you know,
like as soon as my kids were eighteen that that ended. Like I had
no reason to talk to him anymore. Isn't it interesting that a parent,
I you know, not just a parent, but people in general, would
rather believe that you are just a super spiteful person and you're doing all this
shit out of being mean than to believe that this is actually who you are,
right, Like, because they can't grasp that either God made a mistake,
or that being gay is a real thing, or that being trans is
real, Like is that goes against their entire religious belief, you know,
right, So it's got to be it's got to be something else. It's
got to be that you're just real pissed off, Austin, You're pissed,
that's really pissed off. Yeah, let's go on the knife because I'm that
mad. Yeah, yep. She started to notice that I was different when
I started testosterone, because I became happy for the first time in a long
time. Tell me that why, a genuine smile, because I felt like
I was finally doing something to align myself. Ah yeah, yeah, and
I wasn't denying who I was anymore, right, Oh, I love it.
My voice started to drop. Oh my god, that was such euphoria
when I could sing along with like the male singers and actually get the write
notes. Yeah, and my voice started getting deeper. I remember my dad
called. I was like two months on testoster and my dad called and he
was like, do you have a cold? And I said no, and
he's like, well, your voice sounds really raspy. And I was like,
that's the hormones. Nice, So yeah, oh I love that.
And then you know, I started getting facial hair and I was like,
yes, this is so so. I never had any qualms about the changes
that were happening to my body. I was totally stoked about all of them.
Just super happy. And I didn't need after I had top surgery,
I didn't need my anxiety meds anymore. I didn't need my antidepressants anymore.
I've had no suicidal ideation at all. That is phenomenal. Yeah, because
I finally see someone I recognize when I look in the mirror, you know,
Like that was the hardest thing for me. Like I remember when I
was a teenager, I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror for
hours, just staring at my face in the mirror. And I was trying
to find something I recognized because I did not recognize the person I was looking
at. So I would just look at my eyes. That was the only
thing. I thought, that's me. Okay, those are my eyes,
so that's me. But if I looked at the rest of my body,
I was like, that's not me. That's got to be such a mind
fuck. I can't I don't think anyone who was not trans probably, i'll
say probably can't really understand how that feels. I know, for me,
as a kid, I wanted to be a boy just because boys got to
do the cool stuff and you know, all that kind of thing. But
it wasn't like I felt like I was a boy and couldn't be Like that's
a whole different ballgame. Wow. I uh, that just breaks my heart.
Just to imagine that you, or anyone just sitting there staring at the
mirror. I wanted to really quickly say, so, for you, after
having your top surgery and getting on hormones, you didn't need to have your
medications anymore. That worked for you. There might be people who still need,
you know, medications after something like that. I'm not saying this is
how it was for everyone. For you though, that was a life changer,
right right. Yeah. For me, that was the cause of my
depression and anxiety was when you when you're feel like you're living a double life.
It's really hard to be happy and present in any life, you know,
because like you're constantly feeling you're hiding something. Yeah, once I didn't
have to hide anymore, it's like, oh okay, and it's kind of
like now my family sees I post selfies, you know, I don't mind
having my picture taken with my grandkids or my kids or you know. Yeah,
you're all over social media. It's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. And
I hated having my picture taken before transition. Hated it. Like I wouldn't
post any pictures of me unless it was with my kids, and that was
because it was with my kids. Wow, this is just amazing. And
I'm loving this too, by the way, because again I met you before
any of this was happening, and I've been able to watch it and it's
just so badass to see where you are now. I want to know when
your boob were first removed, what did that feel like when you woke up,
sat up, whatever, The swelling's down and there are no boobs.
Tell me. When I went in for my postop appointment where they removed the
binder, I remember just looking at my chest like I got and I opened
the winder again. I just looked in the mirror. I was like,
wow, like that is what That's what that's supposed to look like. Okay,
I'm good. I was so happy. You know, I saw these
videos of guys like crying when when they're renders drew. I never did that.
Like it wasn't like a you know, but it was definitely a oh
yeah, oh this is this is it? Oh okay, yeah, I
look like I'm supposed to look now. Yay. I love it so obviously.
Then no regret, No what did I do? Not just maybe like
why didn't I do this sooner? Kind of thing? Well even yeah,
yeah yeah wow. And to see you post surgery and now you're like running
races, getting in shape and you just start glowing and you're doing it seems
to me like you're doing the things that you should have been doing for yourself
for a long time, things that make you happy. Yeah. Yeah,
Well, I mean, you know, I started caring about losing weight.
You know, I was up over two hundred pounds. I'm only five foot
tall, you know, are not tall? Yeah, and now I'm you
know, one forty five, So I'm at a good wait with my muscle
mass, my doctors happy. Yeah, you know my legs are like solid
muscle because I ride a bike and you know I was doing thirty mile rides.
I've seen the leg selfies. You're trying. You're trying to compete with
my leg selfies. Tee. Where you're at? Okay, I see where
you're at. I'm getting my ass back to the gym next week. Well,
unfortunately I'm going to be away from the gym for like twelve weeks.
But is true you've got that next surgery coming up. Yeah, So Austin,
we are actually like forty five minutes in and we haven't even started talking
about your nether regions yet, which is the surgery that's coming up. So
I'm like, should we divide this like we we? We did your kind
of intro to who you are, your life, talked about the boobs.
Now you know, why don't we Why don't we wrap this up for today
and let's let's record another time for the nether regions. I think that would
be freaking awesome. Don't get me because I still have I still have so
many questions and I haven't even gotten to like the the uh Patreon subscriber questions.
We have people that are like, ask Austin, this you people,
I mean people literally. When I posted on social media that I was going
to interview you, I'm sure you've seen all the messages, people are like
so pumped about that, and I just love to see people just rallying around.
So it made me really happy. Oh good. People love you,
Austin. I love you. I actually met you in real life one time,
right and that was amazing. And I'm hoping to see you again this
summer because I will likely be heading out toward the West coast for some shit.
So I don't know. I'm still learning how to wrap up these episodes
patrons, I don't have patrin names right now. We're we are still getting
there, We're still I. I guess I need to remember to say I
am still getting there and this, that and the other. So I guess
that's it. Steer clear of cults because they are no joke, no joke
at all. Oh shit, thanks for leaving in, Dan, Thank you
Dan and extension audio. All this shit's coming back to me. Thanks Dan,
and thank you to all of the subscribers on Patreon and supercast. By
the way, got a new website coming up really really soon where we can
where you can get all information about the podcast, listen to episode and be
supporters and YadA, YadA YadA. That was a rambly ass ending. So
on the next episode we will be talking about Austin gets a dick? Can
we say that? I'm always saying that because you've said it, Austin.
Okay, I'm not saying it all the time. All right on, all
right, y'all. We'll talk to you later.