WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.160 --> 00:00:31.640 Comedy Central Podcast J BYA Wowow. This is great. I could be like 2 00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:39.520 this all afternoon, or I can assure you, or I have a limited 3 00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:41.439 time. And besides, the subject doesn' t go with it. Hey. 4 00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:46.399 Well, I' m inaddin' good night. I' m here 5 00:00:46.439 --> 00:00:50.320 to tell you what I' m addicted to. It' s very common 6 00:00:50.399 --> 00:00:55.520 among people like me, fat people. Ostoy hooked the sugar, which you 7 00:00:55.520 --> 00:00:57.640 didn' t look like. He' s surprised not to paint coke and 8 00:00:57.640 --> 00:01:00.159 not bad. I don' t have it, but tampa berry, yeah, 9 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:03.319 motherfucker what' s for me in sugar is more drug than drug. 10 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:08.439 The drugs are really pipes, what do you say, well, the pipes 11 00:01:08.519 --> 00:01:11.120 are drugs, too, and it' s true. Hey, you catch 12 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:12.519 yourself, a bag and it' s like that normejo en sal you get 13 00:01:12.519 --> 00:01:15.079 to leave pipe aja? Asaja pipe? Ajala pipes? Pipaf puts your nose 14 00:01:15.159 --> 00:01:18.439 on, as well as the pussy. The tits bat, you know, 15 00:01:19.239 --> 00:01:23.319 you piped ja, pipe, you do that with cocaine. You don' 16 00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:26.280 t do it in ten minutes You' re looking at the lamppost. That 17 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.680 ' s it, I can do that Let' s hit it You know, 18 00:01:30.680 --> 00:01:33.319 no, really. For my taste of sugar. It' s a 19 00:01:33.319 --> 00:01:38.760 problem. I' m worried. But the worst is chocolate. The chocolate 20 00:01:38.799 --> 00:01:42.480 in mieroin chocolate in my cruc, man, I tell you, you think 21 00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:45.200 you control it and overnight and you' re going to listen in the bag 22 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:49.000 in case you find a muse, you know if you' re there. 23 00:01:49.719 --> 00:01:53.439 It' s sad. It' s sad, man I stole my mother 24 00:01:53.480 --> 00:02:00.560 ' s thermomix to buy me a Starbucks smoothie. And it' s sad, 25 00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:02.079 especially because it' s two things that image doesn' t even know 26 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:06.920 how to pronounce. You know like Facebook. It' s just sad. 27 00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:09.599 It' s sad and I can' t eat in an onzal and I 28 00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:12.879 can' t eat a piece of chocolate. I' m impossible. In 29 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:15.319 my house there is a chocolate tarvet and when I remain aware of nothing really, 30 00:02:16.360 --> 00:02:21.319 I look at my hands, chocolate stains, I look for myself, 31 00:02:21.639 --> 00:02:27.479 I look at my clothes, I look at my folds, I find myself 32 00:02:27.560 --> 00:02:30.439 eating it and there is nothing left. Nothing. It' s what gives 33 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:34.560 remorse and silver paper. Dude, like in the' 80s. I' 34 00:02:34.599 --> 00:02:38.199 m not fucking saying that. I' m thinking of getting help. I 35 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:39.680 ' m going to point to something, some situation, compulsive dining rooms, 36 00:02:39.879 --> 00:02:42.479 which I' ve looked at. I' ve been looking for compulsive comedros. 37 00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:45.680 That' s what it' s like to eat compulsives, like alcoholics, 38 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:49.520 anonymous, but paragords. What we can' t call ourselves is anonymous 39 00:02:49.520 --> 00:02:54.919 canteens, because of course you know it' s like you' re an 40 00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:59.560 alcoholic ananisms and you' re tattooing bacardi on your forehead You' re making 41 00:02:59.560 --> 00:03:10.719 yourself spoiler. I really think it' s the worst addiction of all is 42 00:03:10.759 --> 00:03:14.759 food, because the others more than least have tools. Man, you' 43 00:03:15.159 --> 00:03:19.599 re gonna take us, because don' t stick to the PP and what 44 00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:23.120 ' s alcoholic, because you don' t get hung up, Bacano, 45 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:25.319 resolved, but how you' re gonna stop eating if I can' t 46 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:29.199 even stop thinking about eating, man, if I wanted to aim for art 47 00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:32.840 in martial in mystad because they thought it was with Ham Yurick, cheese, 48 00:03:34.120 --> 00:03:37.400 that is, it sucks and you say good, because it makes you famous, 49 00:03:37.560 --> 00:03:38.560 because like all famous, they have addictions and I say already, but 50 00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:40.439 other additions. Aunty, my guahija died of an overdose. Jim Morrison, 51 00:03:40.520 --> 00:03:44.120 super rocker gala tub, I' m going to die of Miguelito' s 52 00:03:44.199 --> 00:03:53.639 filling of the roll, he doesn' t have love. That' s 53 00:03:53.639 --> 00:03:58.159 what I mean, and being fat has a lot of bad stuff. It 54 00:03:58.159 --> 00:04:00.960 ' s the inviting consequence that you' re hooked blue, that you get 55 00:04:00.960 --> 00:04:02.000 fat and there' s the hat. He has a lot of bad things, 56 00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:05.800 but he also has good things. I really know because I' ve 57 00:04:05.879 --> 00:04:10.319 made a list wait for you. It' s a little wet. I 58 00:04:10.719 --> 00:04:15.919 ' ve been here a lot of hours, but you' re waiting for 59 00:04:15.919 --> 00:04:18.439 the list of good things to be fat. The good thing about the obvious 60 00:04:18.439 --> 00:04:21.480 food, it' s not the most obvious point, but you can' 61 00:04:21.480 --> 00:04:24.560 t. Let' s take it off. It' s important. The 62 00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:28.120 bad thing, then self- esteem so I' m going to cheat you 63 00:04:28.120 --> 00:04:32.160 recently. The good stuff. The feeling of eating how wonderful, how bad, 64 00:04:32.319 --> 00:04:38.160 the feeling of failure, which is also instantaneous. Then all the food 65 00:04:38.560 --> 00:04:46.879 fits the bad, all the clothes that you no longer head, not tral 66 00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:58.879 pral is already. Good thing they don' t rape you. I' 67 00:04:58.920 --> 00:05:03.879 ve said it the bad thing, they don' t rape you, they 68 00:05:04.519 --> 00:05:08.800 don' t what is vera, they don' t, but fucker is 69 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:10.759 that yes, that rapes. Don' t leave out this thing that doesn 70 00:05:10.920 --> 00:05:14.920 ' t matter, or whatever you do, they' re gonna talk to 71 00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:15.160 you, like, it' s got nothing to do with it, and 72 00:05:15.160 --> 00:05:15.439 you' re gonna tell us why you' re making this joke. I 73 00:05:15.519 --> 00:05:19.279 ' ve already said that. The only thing I haven' t had fat 74 00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:21.279 self- esteem for ever, ever since I was little, good, little 75 00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:24.680 guy. It' s a way of speaking that I' m worth the 76 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:27.800 Communion suit. The priest didn' t give me the fuck. I throw 77 00:05:27.879 --> 00:05:30.079 it at myself like I' m scared, I mean, it' s 78 00:05:30.079 --> 00:05:32.680 like it was. What do I know as if it was his first day 79 00:05:32.759 --> 00:05:35.680 working at the circus, they would have told him you have to invent the 80 00:05:35.759 --> 00:05:40.800 hippo and uncle me. So it was, so it was in fact, 81 00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:44.319 I was given the body of Christ and I asked for bread, uh, 82 00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:46.839 I asked for bread seriously and I say to wet man. And I also 83 00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:51.759 say the same, I am hungry that Christ is all real bone. She 84 00:05:51.800 --> 00:05:54.600 ' s a whore. She' s a whore having been complex. I 85 00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:56.839 ' ve got you someone wants you to study my mushrooms, take the presents 86 00:05:56.839 --> 00:05:59.680 who waits for you to show up ah you spend it in the face one 87 00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:02.040 day be famous, not sooner than later. Yes, it can be. 88 00:06:02.079 --> 00:06:06.120 Hey. She' s a whore having complexes, because you' ve always 89 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:09.759 had, as a child, as a teenager, and I' m ashamed 90 00:06:09.800 --> 00:06:12.160 to go to the beach and the swimming pool that they arm bikini. I 91 00:06:12.199 --> 00:06:15.480 didn' t want people to know that there was Gorda than Ilusa. I 92 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:20.879 thought the clothes were magic. People already knew. You' re missing me 93 00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:26.800 a lot of beautiful things for being dumber than Fat fucking. I' m 94 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:38.879 telling you, oh, thank you, I' ve lost a lot of 95 00:06:38.879 --> 00:06:40.920 wishes. You' re a rock of desires. I' ve always asked 96 00:06:40.920 --> 00:06:44.639 for wishes since I was right. I' ve always asked for it from 97 00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:48.079 the freaking faces You' re late for birthday. I' ve always asked 98 00:06:48.079 --> 00:06:56.040 for the same thing. I' ve always asked to be thin. But 99 00:06:56.040 --> 00:07:00.319 it' s just that I' ve also asked for a lot at home 100 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.680 and of course it' s known that the opposite is worth the shit. 101 00:07:03.759 --> 00:07:08.120 And yet. Still. I' m telling you, everything I' ve 102 00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:10.560 kept, I' ve been keeping up these years. I' m not 103 00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:14.040 that bad, because you can do it to me. I' m not 104 00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:15.279 that much of a jog, but, as I' d say the Norway 105 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:19.720 lobster, it' s all about getting on, and I' ve been 106 00:07:19.759 --> 00:07:20.879 playing sports and I' ve stayed until I broke my knee playing Rugby. 107 00:07:21.519 --> 00:07:24.360 That' s also what I' m thinking. He' s telling you 108 00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:25.639 he doesn' t hit you at all. You' re hit by the 109 00:07:25.639 --> 00:07:29.240 classic ballet. I don' t know anymore, but I lost that train. 110 00:07:29.959 --> 00:07:30.839 I lost it because my knee' s stuck. He' s so 111 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:34.399 into it. It doesn' t get through the breakup. This isn' 112 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:36.360 t bullshit, this isn' t bullshit. I' ve got it fucked 113 00:07:36.360 --> 00:07:40.319 up. Really. I had to go to the traumatologist for this. I 114 00:07:40.319 --> 00:07:43.000 went to the traumatologist and I swear to God the first thing he said to 115 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:45.879 me as he agreed. I walked in the door. It' s gonna 116 00:07:45.879 --> 00:07:50.399 have to wear out and I say look at sorlock medicine studied wouldn' t 117 00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:54.399 be the nortito. They' ve already done it to me in that now 118 00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:55.600 they call buoniing You' re going to say something I want to say. 119 00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:58.120 You' re going to work, what do you recommend, astita, there 120 00:07:58.120 --> 00:07:59.560 ' s exercise. I don' t have to do everything. I' 121 00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:01.439 m gonna get your paycheck, motherfucker. I fae, I fae a lot, 122 00:08:03.920 --> 00:08:07.000 man, no, not that at least it pretends to look at the 123 00:08:07.079 --> 00:08:09.639 fizha that I checked the sources that I was already fat before I broke my 124 00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:13.079 knee. I was already fat. It' s not the jusa, it 125 00:08:13.079 --> 00:08:15.199 ' s not good for me. I was already fat. And this didn 126 00:08:15.319 --> 00:08:22.480 ' t sound like it. And now I need silence because I know it 127 00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:28.519 sounds, it wasn' t going to sound. It said the sound of 128 00:08:28.519 --> 00:08:31.040 your dead. It' s not fixed. This is fucked up. This 129 00:08:31.120 --> 00:08:33.519 sounds like a village fair. You' re gonna ride the monologue. It 130 00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:37.840 ' s like this, and you don' t think that the one who 131 00:08:37.840 --> 00:08:39.279 ' s crazy is the monkey. You know, this is bullshit I don 132 00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:43.519 ' t like it That' s why they always blame health when someone' 133 00:08:43.559 --> 00:08:46.000 s fat or when someone' s fat, but then you know that' 134 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:46.240 s killing me, but I' m still upset about fucking shitty hippies. 135 00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:54.120 I' m sorry if any of you just face the typical ones who tell 136 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:58.159 you. Aunt ale cas your body. Your body is wise. You' 137 00:08:58.200 --> 00:09:00.799 ve never heard that body thing is wise. It' s almost your body. 138 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:05.200 Ma' am, if I were home, my body would sleep sixteen 139 00:09:05.240 --> 00:09:15.639 hours a day and weigh two hundred and fifty pounds pure two hundred. It 140 00:09:15.639 --> 00:09:18.600 ' s just that it' s true to touch people who say the body 141 00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:22.799 is wise. I say that' s not scientific rigor, and that' 142 00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:24.960 s a lie. If the body were wise, there would never be what 143 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:28.240 I call the Bloodmer effect, which is when you get the rule and hangover. 144 00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:33.559 That' s not wise. That' s what this motherfucker is. 145 00:09:33.279 --> 00:09:35.960 What a body I' m hesitant about. My body' s got a 146 00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:39.000 look at me, it' s got a mess, I' ve got 147 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:39.240 gray hairs coming out, they' re starting to want other splinters. Now 148 00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:43.279 I don' t have a problem with that, but I' m also 149 00:09:43.279 --> 00:09:45.240 starting to sais grains. I haven' t had grains in my whole life, 150 00:09:45.679 --> 00:09:46.559 neither in that, nor in puberty, nor in adolescence, nor in 151 00:09:46.559 --> 00:09:50.399 the time of making me many wages, never grains. But now with the 152 00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:54.200 gray hairs, all together, all together. He put it there for me. 153 00:09:54.360 --> 00:09:56.799 Dude, uh, man, I' m confused that you' re 154 00:09:56.879 --> 00:09:58.519 looking at twenty- seven pussies, sixty- two. A little bit of 155 00:09:58.519 --> 00:10:11.440 balance. A little bit of balance is bullshit, and besides, when they 156 00:10:11.480 --> 00:10:15.080 hit it, it still doesn' t lower my rule. Six months he 157 00:10:15.080 --> 00:10:16.360 put the rule in like that without taking off. I had to go to 158 00:10:16.360 --> 00:10:20.240 the gynecologist too and as she walked in the door. She tells me you 159 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:24.519 ' ve gotten really fat lately and I, like Mira Whatson, don' 160 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:26.600 t have a boyfriend. Another kills something that the hell is going on, 161 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:39.639 because nobody here wants to work. Ha later, then the crack was my 162 00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:43.919 nice. He told me not to tell you because you have a polycystic ovary 163 00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:45.480 that I already know what I' m thinking. I know the guys I 164 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:48.200 ' ve lost since I said. Gynecologist, I' m not interested in 165 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:52.159 my polycystic mario theme either It sounded like something like I went to the Pope 166 00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:54.679 de Poblos wedding and they put us in a muses pita bread. The polycystic 167 00:10:54.799 --> 00:11:00.279 father. My Greek accent sucks, but the other Greek I' m good 168 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:05.639 at, let me explain the case. He told me not to see polycystic 169 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:09.279 ovary meaning various vague. So I say like the rest of the body and 170 00:11:09.320 --> 00:11:13.360 materialized up here. A minimum service is that it commands here There' s 171 00:11:13.679 --> 00:11:16.799 use of this which is uh, I feel bad, why don' t 172 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:18.480 you call it a vague variety and that' s it. The sound of 173 00:11:18.519 --> 00:11:22.639 the name is that it' s the desire to make the case dizzy It 174 00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:24.639 ' s a bitch. She' s a bitch and you' re thinking 175 00:11:24.679 --> 00:11:31.080 she' s got to see all this as she' s fat plot twist 176 00:11:31.159 --> 00:11:33.679 turns out here fat has testosterola, she' s got you is torterone male 177 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:37.679 hormone. For those of you who don' t know this is three tiger 178 00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:43.000 jokes, these telana have male hormones. Okay, so I' m an 179 00:11:43.080 --> 00:11:46.720 inside guy who explains that I like porn so much and blame it on the 180 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:50.320 issue of my problem. But it' s a bitch. She' s 181 00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:58.720 a little slut, she' s a bitch, she doesn' t look 182 00:11:58.720 --> 00:12:03.679 like it, but she' s a bitch because, well, between the 183 00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:05.519 borbonic and that I' m going more verb than Jordi Wyne. If I 184 00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:07.919 want blood, it' s the roo of the pussy. I' m 185 00:12:07.960 --> 00:12:11.360 going to have to buy a Soa Owski vibrator worth the aunt, already told 186 00:12:11.360 --> 00:12:13.799 me, tells me, but you want to have his and not that good, 187 00:12:13.879 --> 00:12:15.279 because if you don' t want so many children, nothing happens. 188 00:12:15.399 --> 00:12:16.759 I mean, don' t get confused. It' s different. I 189 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:18.639 don' t want to have children and I' ve never really wanted to. 190 00:12:20.159 --> 00:12:22.120 I mean, I' m not gonna say the typical thing about giving 191 00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:24.559 a figure, because let' s be honest. I took care of it 192 00:12:24.559 --> 00:12:30.440 all by myself. But if you remove in the chichi that I' ve 193 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:33.080 seen photos, that stays as if you dropped a pistol just a barbershop. 194 00:12:33.240 --> 00:12:35.120 That' s a wreck. Or they' ll seal it for you, 195 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:39.000 they' ll put the other daughter in you. There to smoke joints. 196 00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:41.639 Then I' m scared, I' ll look at myself. I' 197 00:12:41.720 --> 00:12:46.440 ve got Jimenez doing a psychophony. Hey, I' m not kiddin', 198 00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:48.320 but he scratched me Don' t think I' m not touching the 199 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:50.639 girls. You' ll understand, you don' t call him not wanting 200 00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:52.399 to have children, not being able to have children. I scratched a lot 201 00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:56.480 and scratched a lot and realized that I wanted the same thing as everyone else. 202 00:12:56.879 --> 00:13:03.240 I want to be able to get pregnant and abort. I have the 203 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:05.120 right to abortion. Hell, yeah, feminist, yeah, pro chois what 204 00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:18.159 ' s up, thanks. What if this ace can kill me to see 205 00:13:18.159 --> 00:13:22.919 the skinny ones or what I want too. That' s why. That 206 00:13:24.039 --> 00:13:26.080 ' s why he gave me a lot of frogs. I got really scratched. 207 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:30.240 I stayed or not. I felt good. I started a very, 208 00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.360 very, very, very convulsive spiral. Not free buffel and junk food. 209 00:13:33.159 --> 00:13:37.639 You' re thinking of nobody. You mean junk food. Don' t 210 00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:41.360 touch bottom Some bakeries still have pictures of me to attend to. I mean, 211 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:46.879 yeah, I was breaking up personal relationships and he' s gonna have 212 00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:48.720 a flea market without realizing he' s got a problem. Until one day 213 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:52.879 I realized I had a problem. He left a bathroom at 4 a m 214 00:13:54.240 --> 00:13:58.120 on New Year' s Eve with Jaime Marichalar and Miguel Miguel Bosé. I 215 00:13:58.200 --> 00:14:03.840 saw a mirror with a white film, the istra of guilt because I was 216 00:14:03.879 --> 00:14:11.759 eating a desaimada and there I realized that I had a problem because I still 217 00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:16.159 had Annun going up to the tiles of cocaine. Man, thanks a lot. 218 00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:16.919 That' s it.