All right, here we go with today's Minnesota Goodbye. We're gonna start off
with this one says, Okay, long time listener, first time email or
first I absolutely love all of you. Thank you. So does my little
thirty year old nephew, Blake Blakey. I feel looks like we always text
each other when war the rose is over and it's super dicey, and we
talked about that second. This is the real reason for the email. So
there was a story about a guy who had been with this company's customer or
something. They went on a really small plane and he had to relieve himself
in flight after drinking the night before and coffee the morning after. While on
the small business plane, the toilet was in the worst spot. So the
guy wrote the fucking funniest thing I've ever heard. Please find it and read
it again. XO XO. M A love hearing you guys, swear.
So I found it and are you ready? I'm ready? All right,
here we go. You might have heard of Jenny. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure if there's a name for the combination cringe and sympathy and disgust,
but I'm pretty sure anybody who has a functioning set of bowels and the
ability to feel shame, will feel that reading this man's story, a story
of a private plane. And here we go, just over halfway through the
flight. Now this is the person writing this who experienced this. There's no
prelude about, you know, like we're on a plane to Georgia or whatever.
It just starts this way, just over halfway through the flight. All
the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating. It's way down to my
lower intestine. I hunker down and try to focus on other things. Now
in context, I think they were on a flight with business associates, and
they're on like on a gulf Stream jet and so it's fancy, and they're
you know, flying off smaller right, and there's probably eight or so people
on the airplane. And I'm picturing like not like passenger seats, but little
tables over here with a chair on both sides. And they're flying some high
powered clients and whatever. So what feels like an hour probably isn't more than
twenty minut It passes. We then enter what turns out to be pretty violent
turbulence. With each bounce, I have to fight my body try not to
ship my pants thirty minutes to landing, maybe forty five, I try to
tell myself. Each jostle is a gamble I can't afford to lose. I
signal to the flight attendant. Then she heads toward me. Excuse me,
is there a bathroom? I don't see a door, I asked, while
still devoting considerably and considerable energy to fight an off which starts to feel like
somebody shook a Seltzer bottle and shoved it at my ass. She looked at
me, be mused and says, well, we don't really have a toilet
per se. Technically we have one, but it's really just for emergencies.
Don't worry. We're landing shortly anyway. Now. I'm pretty sure this qualifies
as an emergency, I said, I muttered through my grimace. I can
see the fear in her face as she points nervously to the vac seat.
The turbulence outside is matched only by the cyclone that is ravaging my bowels.
She points to the back of the plane and says, there the toilet is
there. For a brief instant, relief passes over my face. She continues,
if you pull away the leather cushion from that seat. It's under there.
There's a small privacy screen that pulls up around it, but that's it.
At this point, I was committed. She had just lit the dynamite
and the mind shaft was set to blow. I turned to look where she's
pointing, and I get the urge to cry. I do cry, but
my face is so tightly clenched it makes no difference. The toilet seat is
occupied by the CFO. Ie our client, our fucking female client. Up
to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight
attendant. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's all I can say
as I limped toward her, like Quasimoto, impersonated a penguin and begin my
explanation. As soon as my competitors see me talking to the CFO, they
all perk up to find out what the hell I'm doing. Given my normal
jovial nature and fun living attitude thus far on the road show, almost everybody
thinks I'm joking. She, however, knows right away that I am anything
but joking, and she jumps up, moves quickly to where I'd been sitting,
And now I have to remove the seat top, no easy task when
you can barely stand up right at her getting tossed around like a hood rat
at a block party. We're fighting against gastro intestinal mount vesuvius while they have
a way with words. I managed to peel back the leather seat top to
find a rather luxurious looking commode with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It
had obviously never been used. Ever. Why this moment of clarity came to
me, I don't know. Perhaps it was the realization that I was going
to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to
its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagine some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the
violently sold remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament asking it lasted only
a second as I was quickly moved back to concentrated on the tiny muscle that
stood between me and hot molten lava. Oh my god, I reached down
and pull up the privacy screen with only seconds despair before I erupt. It's
an alka Seltzer bomb. Nothing but air and liquid sprained out in all directions.
The pressure is now reversed. I feel like I'm going to have a
stroke. I push so hard to end the relief, the tormented, sublime
relief. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. My apologies
do nothing to drown out the heinous noises that seem to carry on and reverberate
through the small cabin. And definitely, if that's not bad enough, I
have one more major problem. The privacy screen stops right around shoulder levels.
So I'm sitting there, a disembodied head in the back of the plane on
a bucking bronco for a toilet, all while looking at my colleagues, competitors,
and clients directly in the eyes. I literally could reach out with my
left hand and rest it on the shoulder of the person adjacent to me.
It was virtually impossible for him or any of the others, and by others,
I mean high profile business partners and clients to avert their eyes. They
scream and try not to look inclined, to do their best to carry on,
pretend like nothing is happening, that they weren't sharing a stall with some
guy crapping his intestines out, releasing smelly, sweaty shame at one hundred feet
per second. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. It's all the ashamed,
disembodied head can say over and over again, not that it mattered.
Oh my god, My big takeaway from all this the person who designed a
privacy screen on a toilet, tiny airplane toilet that leisure whole head exposed should
be shot with poop bullets. Seriously, whose idea was that? Did they
contracted out to an alien who'd only read a pamphlet about human evacuation and even
then just skimmed it. So that is the story that's so wild. When
I've read this probably five or six times on the show, and this is
the first time that I've read it and thought, I wonder if this is
made up? My thought was kind of immediately that only because a plane that
is carrying clients and CFOs and things like that, there's no way they did
not have a toilet. Yeah, that was enclosed on that airplane. I
could see it in like, you know, you're flying in a different country
and you're on a small plane between like cities that don't have big airports or
something like that. But in this situation, it seems a little unique that
they would not have a toilet. In a bathroom with a door, And
if they did design a toilet, why bother to make one that's so demeaning,
embarrassing with a privacy screen where you can still see your head. I
don't know whether that airplane exists or not, but it's the first time I've
read that story and said, I don't know if I believe this or not,
but it is it does make a great story. Great story. I
have a story not similar to that, but I was in a fearful moment
for myself. So I went to Thailand one time and we were taking a
bus ride to a city like three hours north, and the night before was
the night where the food finally was not sitting well. I was there for
a few days and I was not feeling well. And it wasn't like a
situation like this guy needed to use the bathroom. I just felt so sick,
like my stomach hurts. And we're getting on this bus and I go
try to talk to someone. Of course, nobody speaks English pretty much anywhere,
like it's the bare minimum of English. So I'm like, do you
have a bathroom on this bus? And they're like yeah, yeah, yeah,
like bathroom, Like we have one and so I took that as like,
yes, they have one, but because I tried to go use it
in the bus station, you had to pay to use it, which whatever
it would have cost me, like a dollar, I should have just paid.
But we get on the bus, I'm looking around and I'm like,
there is not a bathroom because you can see it's a big block wall in
the back. Yeah, And I was thinking, like I used to take
the megabus all the time when I was in college, so I was thinking
I was getting like megabus vibes where there were definitely bathrooms on those buses.
And so I'm looking around and I don't see a bus. And I was
so scared for this bus ride, just because my stomach was so bad,
and I also would have not a great bladder anymore. I have to pee
pretty often too. And so we did take a break at some random gas
station like an hour and a half in where I was able to go to
the bathroom there. But I was so stressed once we started moving that I
was going to have to be the person to tell the bus driver to stop
in like the countryside and like, let me off to go pop a squad
and field and you I mean I guess you could have done that. I
think I've heard of that before. I could that's your last resort. I
was fine, but it was it was a lesson I learned, luckily,
not so much in the hard way, but I learned it to be a
little more clear. When I'm asking for a bathroom, I think, and
I don't speak the language, it can be I mean, it can be
a critical situation. Because this thing comes to mind. There's a YouTube video
that's probably fifteen or twenty years old, and it's a television reporter and I
think she's French, and she is doing a stand up report. So she's
looking at the camera and she's talking, and then she starts to go oh
oh oh, and then she turns around and runs into the building behind her,
and she had shit her pants. She's wearing white pants and she had
shit her pants. And it's just one of those things where she's probably trying
to do a live report. She just could not hold it in more and
she yeah, so, okay, well you requested the airplane shit story.
And there you go. All right, here we go, Amanda. I
think I know you, Amanda. I think you used to be friends with
Allison because I tell you, you sure have a unique last name, So
Amanda shout out to you. Hello to my favorite morning show crew. It
is twelve o three AM and I can't sleep, so I decided to finally
email in some random questions I've had recently, and here we go. What
happened to all the old morning show episodes? Most weeks, when I'm caught
up on the Daily Show, I would go back and listen to old episodes,
which would feel like new episodes as it had been so long since I'd
heard them. The Dave Ryan Show used to have episodes dating back to September
of twenty seventeen. Now when he goes back to October of twenty twenty two,
does it have to do with a new uploading platform mentioned recently? I'm
so bummed. I actually was surprising here only October twenty twenty two. No,
we did do a couple things recently in the last few months that we
use a different system. We still sort of use one of the same systems,
but also use another. But I thought that it still went back to
when we started using this current system, which should have gone back to like
twenty twenty. I believe twenty two seems weird that it only goes back that
far. Yeah, it kind of sucks that they are archives, and I
can definitely ask and try to find out we have so it is very hard
to track down someone who, unfortunately, like can get answers to like podcasting
issues lately, because it used to be all in house and now it's through
like a corporate company, and it's just a little bit hard to get those
answers. But I can definitely see if I can get older episodes further back
back up there. Okay, I mean I get it. That would be
great, and I'm flatter demanded that you want to go back and listen to
those. Jenny, how is your sister? I apologize if you have given
an update in recent weeks, but I missed it. I hope she's doing
well. Thank you for asking. She is doing better. She had a
stroke a couple of months ago. He had a stroke back in June,
only twenty eight for reference, so it was very unexpected for all of us,
and it was pretty bad. She just she couldn't speak, she couldn't
like focus, she was very confused. We didn't understand what was going on.
But yeah, she had a stroke and she I think it's forever going
to be on blood thinners now, that's gonna be just something that's gonna be
part of her life. And she's been going to speech therapy ever since this
happened a couple of months ago. She hasn't been able to drive for three
months. She's still not able to drive, so like she's having a hard
time because she's living at home with my mom right now and she's just struggling
to have a normal life. I guess you could say because when you're limited
to drive, and she lives in my small hometown, it's not like a
walkable city that has a bunch of things you can walk to and stuff.
It's like, you know, there's your hole in the wall bars and your
bowling alley. There's not a whole lot to offer when you can't drive.
So she's working hard at her speech therapy and she's getting back to normal,
and she luckily has already been able to go back to work like very very
part time. But I think it's probably going to be at least like a
year until she's fully back to normal with like her speech and a routine and
stuff like that. So but she is world of a difference than when I
saw her like days after her stroke. It's so scary to think somebody's so
young could have a stroke. Yeah, and no real signals or health problems
before that, No, not at all. She had some neck pain which
is what caused well not what caused the stroke, but she had neck pain
leading up to it. And then we had found she had these block arteries
in her neck, which caused the blood clot in her brain. So there
was like weird signs that you would just think, Oh, I slept funny,
you know, my neck hurts. That was like the sign that we
didn't think meant anything. Yeah, right, you wouldn't. You would think
it's just like a crick in your neck or whatever. I'm a in agreement
with the woman. This is the same person, Amanda. I am in
agreement with the woman who wrote it. In about the sound issues on the
podcast, I can barely hear Jenny on the Minnesota Goodbye. I thought it
was just me. And again, I'm looking at the wave form as we
record this, and we potted up a little bit. It looks like which
is good, but it's still so weak. I mean, you're at about
fifteen percent and I'm at about fifty to sixty percent. And it's not a
matter of you speaking up because loud. I'm just kidding. Even when you
do that, it doesn't go up as loud as mine does. Do me
a favor, Yeah, pop over to Foulon's microphone, just to see if
there's a difference. And I'm going to turn that one on and see whether
there's a difference from email. Then though last week that my voice was louder
and Foulans was quieter, and I was on your mic last week, So
what is it now? It's still quiet, it's it's a little hotter.
Try the one next to you, because there's four microphones in here. We
thought, okay, let's try this well, Mike's okay. Hello, my
name is Jenny. I like kickball and cheese. It's a whole lot better
Jenny on this one. It's seriously, is almost up with mine. Mine's
like fifty percent. Interesting, You're at probably thirty to forty percent, So
so I gotta start using mic number three. Maybe stay on that one,
Okay, all right, then let's continue with the email from A and please
never get rid of Game Day. I love that Wednesday of each month.
We're doing it on Friday this month because we thought it'd be funny to have
some people who listen to the show come in and play games. And here's
an odd topic and I love it. I love the randomness in here we
go. Why must the door to door pest control ass hats who ride on
the electric Mini seguays be so fucking annoying and persistent? They always come at
the worst fucking times. Tonight, I was trying to put our two year
old to bed when after an hour of battling, he was finally sleeping,
and suddenly ding dong past control. Pete is here to ruin your night.
Our dogs go ballistic because who the fuck is ringing a doorbell at eight o'clock
on a twesday? Good point, We don't answer. He stands there a
minute later and it's bang, bang bang knocking on the door. Our son
is awake. At this point, I'm so frustrated to open the window into
my son's room, which faces the front, and I yelled, go away,
I prefer bugs. He looks around, stood there for another minute,
then zipped away to save somebody else's house from ants. God, you're funny,
Amanda. We do not currently have a no soliciting sign, and I
want to get one, but I don't want to discourage the local Scouts,
elementary kids, young athletes, etc. From knocking because I was once all
of those things that went door to door to fund raise. How do I
put a nose and lessening unless you're a young child sign out without sounding like
a weirdo like I get an Amanda, Hey, no soliciting unless you're a
child, that is weird. We got one. I got no shame in
it. We got a nose listening sign on our door and I got no
shame in it. And once in a while I'll see somebody on the ring
cam walk up about to ring the doorbell, then they walk away. Once
in a while they ring the doorbell anyway, and I politely say, you
see the sign there, and they go oh. One time, a couple
of months ago, somebody said I'm not trying to sell anything, and I
said, I really am not interested whatever it is you're doing. I'm really
not interested. Unless I invited you buy, I'm not interested. They were
polite and they left. Any who, thank you for reading answering my late
night burning questions. Congratulations on your award, Dave, you suck I think
they meant you rock, but I'm gonna go ahead and say they suck and
that's funny. Sincerely, p One dartlike listener, Amanda, I think she
didn't mean you suck because of the camping corner with Dave. You know what
I mean. Write that down. We do that bit again, camping corner
because that was funny and people like that. It was so stupid. Yeah,
all right, so we'll do that again. Thank you, Amanda,
and let me know whether you're the Amanda that used to play with Allison when
you were little. Maddie says you said you need emails to tell me what's
the deal between Dave and Tom Bernard. I vaguely recalled Dave mentioning something about
not liking him, but I'm curious to know the specifics. Thanks for your
time and have a fantastic dank. I am not here to pick a fight
with Tom Bernard, but I've always admired Tom Bernard. But he got really
mad at me one time because we were in a contest to see who would
get the most votes for some advertiser and everything was going well, and like
any kind of a contest, you talk a little shit and I tweeted when
Twitter was really popular in mainstream. I said something like, hey, go
ahead and vote for me. Now all of Tom Bernard's listeners are asleep,
meaning his listeners were old men and they'd be asleep right now. Well,
he got pissed and he went after me on the radio the next day,
and I was like, wow, I just thought that was really perplexing because
I had nothing against Tom Bernard, but he decided that that offended him,
and it just again, I'm not going to expand on that because I don't
want to start a battle with Tom Bernard. I got nothing against him,
but I was perplexed as to why somebody I thought would be able to take
some shit was not able to take shit. So we just leave it there
and move on. Dave talking about not being able to sleep, same thing
happened to me. I woke up this morning because I needed to pee.
I usually just tried to hold it till it's time to get up, but
one of our dogs was whining and needed to go outside. So after I
let the dogs out, I could not fall back asleep. It was three
forty five I needed to get up at six. I tried the trick that
you said, falling into a black hole like you mentioned, and counting sheep
like Jenny said, but it didn't work. After over an hour of just
laying in bed with my eyes closed, I finally fell asleep. It's the
worst, especially when you get up early and you wake up in the middle
of the night. I slept pretty good last night. But do you wake
up in the middle of the night and you got a pea? You got
to because my mind turns on and says, well, now, all I
can think about is that I got a pee, So I get up to
pe. You turn the light on. By the time you flush the toilet
come back, you're eighty percent awake. Sometimes you get back to sleep.
A lot of the time you can't. Next one, hoping you might be
able to help with some jest suggestions regarding Yellowstone, Grand Tetons, and Jackson
Whole area. My son eleven, and I are headed to the small town
of Ashton, Idaho, about an hour out of the three places mentioned above.
We're gonna stay with my grandparents and it'll be there Monday through Monday.
I was thinking one day in each place, and we would like to know
your suggestions of the coolest places for him to see as I've been to them
all. Thanks Paige Page. I don't know what to tell you. Jenny's
most recently been there. I have, so I would say in Yellowstone,
I'm gonna be honest, I'm just not a touristy type of person, so
like the Grand Prismatic is not really my thing, but I really like the
natural Stone Bridge that's in Yellowstone and you can hike up to the top,
take a picture on top. It looks much scarier than it is. And
I would say the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone was also my other favorite thing,
and those two are decently close to each other because obviously Yellowstone's super big.
And then in the t tons, I mean I mostly did hikes, but
if you want an easier hike, the Bradley Lake and Taggart Lake hikes are
not too hard. Otherwise, there's a very simpler one that you can do
around Jenny Lake and shut up what it is called it. And then if
you want a very difficult one, there is one where you have to go
off the hiking trail to Delta Lake and it's not you're not going to find
it on your all trails. You have to do some research to find that
one, because you go through a boulder really like a boulder hill, and
that one's definitely more of your like higher expert level kind of hike. It's
not an easy one. But Delta Lake is beautiful. It's just like the
t towns are surrounded and then it's this beautiful blue lake in the middle of
the tea towns, like five thousand feet up. That is so cool.
I have not done anything like that in a long time. We went to
Yellowstone, you know, several times like everybody else, and we love the
touristy stuff. We loved Mammoth Hot Springs. We thought that was really cool.
We loved Old Faithful, We love the Old Faithful Lodge. And I
don't remember, honestly, a whole lot more. There used to be a
waterfall called Tower Falls. And when I was a little kid, I went
there and there was a giant boulder like if you may, if you like,
made a big hugging motion with your arms. It was about that big,
a huge boulder at the top of Tower Falls. And I saw a
picture of it not too long ago, and look at it really quick here
and make sure it's the same one. Tower Falls, yellow Stone and the
boulder is gone now. And it's really interesting because when I was a kid,
they people used to ask park rangers all the time, when will the
boulder at Tower Falls fall? And they said it could be ten thousand years.
Yeah, But one morning they woke up and the park rangers looked up
and the boulder had fallen from Tower Falls. And I just thought that was
amazing that it sat there for you know, hundreds or thousands of years and
it had fallen away. So I like the touristy stuff. Jenny is not
so much. But other than that, we don't have a whole life for
you, and we've gone way over our time, but we had funs.
So send your emails to Ryan Show at KTWB dot com and we will see
you tomorrow on the Minnesota. Good Bye.