Welcome to you, softcore History. Welcome back to softcore History. I'm your
host for the week, Damn Rochester, and I'm joined as always by Rob
Fox and Jake Goldman. Hello, hell, hello, Hello. It's time
for history, look into the past. I don't know, I'll write a
show tune for us, but oh we can change up. The intro is
has because we're getting dinged heat, getting to fucking ding. It's like it's
copyright copyright free music. Yeah what yeah, yeah, they keep demonetizing what
is Courtney just copyright the intro her voice actually, and her voice is copyrighted
because she's intro to other porno or she filed she filed for the copy right,
Yeah, yeah, for her voice. And she's trying to get some
cash out of us. She already gets everything I make from. Oh yeah,
she wants more, wants part of our part. Yeah, you would
like to just get Oh I imagine if you guys ever get divorced, it's
going to be brutal. Uh you know, TBD She's gonna cut your throat
I don't know, and then just drink every ounce of blood out of the
dry. It's software history with the n Jacob Courtney she wouldn't want to do
the work. She took your position. Yeah no, you're still doing the
work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. It's like paying alimony.
But she has a show up. Yeah, gets the ip, Like
somehow, I just keep getting there. Like you could see your kids four
times a decade, but only if you hand over all intellectual property, past,
present and future, anything you think of at any point in time.
You still have to do an episode every two weeks. Yeah, listen,
here's script monkey, like her script jot. You are her chat g pt
x three. I have to say it slow because I can never get it
right GPTT. It's super easy to say, which, by the way,
is undefeated gambling on UFC fights still like even by the round. Dude,
it caught a split decision this weekend and it's it's unreal. But and like
wepcision. We're not gonna this is obviously, this is evergreen content. This
is a history show, so we're not going to talk about it. But
it's we're the end is near. I just want to warn you guys.
Yeah, and it's two years from now, like it's already enslaved us at
this point. Yeah, I was thinking about it this morning, I was
like, hm, I guess AI got here and I didn't even notice.
And I've been living most of my life thinking like that was of course bound
to happen, but terrifying you thought it would be a bigger deal. Yeah,
just sort of slid in the back door. It's like here I am.
Yeah, and everyone was like, oh when today I get here.
Yeah. And it's just slowly slitting throats as it works its way through the
party. It's like the little grim reaper on the doors. Yeah. Yeah,
speaking of sliding in the back door, we're talking about the Catholic Church
today. Oh wow, there it is. I mean he set me up
for that. Yeah, it's knocked that out of the park, nicely done.
We're Catholic. It's fine. No one even cares. Like if you
had made like a brutal Jewish joke, obviously we'd have to be like,
it's fine that one, but we can point to it and we wouldn't even
broach the other one. But with Catholic it's like, no one cares,
No one cares. We're not getting Charlie head um, but Catholic we're good.
You can make fun of us want, Yeah, And today we're gonna
talk about the erotic life of Pope Pious. The second hold on doesn't sound
like he was very pious at all. Yeah, what gives? Well,
before I did the research for this episode, all I knew about Pope Pious.
The second was it was a school in our district that just destroyed us
in every sport. They were called Pious Pope Pious? Why was a random
school in Philadelphia named after Pope Pious? A second, I couldn't tell you
that's school. Is our Lady of Fatima. So yeah, but that's just
Mary. Yeah, that's just Mary showing up in Portugal or whatever at the
turn of the essential prime or reason to our Lady of Guadaloup, our Lady
of Fatima. That's just Mary showing up to different places. It's it's yeah,
Fatima. It's like there's a lot of our ladies. Yeah, but
it's all basically the same. It's all merry. I think maybe every once
in a while it's like Elizabeth, there's something. It's mostly Mary. What's
up of those churches that are like are like it's something like Church of Eternal
something or other. They have like crazy long names. Oh, that's not
a real Catholic church. That's not that's like another that's probably not. H
I mean my mind was Christ the King, and then but Lee had like
the nearest one to us was our Lady of Lords. Yeah, they'll be
like that universal. What do you mean our lady of lords? Lords like
lords France? I think l O U R d E s just she just
showed up to lord. Yeah, it's Lord, our Lord's lady like recently,
No, just artist the artist. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah yeah yeah she' you forgot about her. She doesn't really put out music
recently. No, it's been a while. She's great though, Yes,
I like her. Yeah, Solar Power is a great song. No,
we're talking about Pope Pius the second. There's gonna be a lot of crossover
from some past episodes we did heacifically on the Patreon. Was he the one
with the fourth Crusade? No, but he does lead a crusade against the
Turks. Okay, we have Oh, I think Pious to like third or
fourth was the hitler Pope because we've done a Pious before. I don't think
it was third. I think it was like somewhere in the teens, looked
real quick because we have done that before either way. Uh so our boy
Unius Silvio Bartolommeo something Italian super long was born in fourteen oh five as one
of eighteen children to a noble but somewhat impoverished Tuscany family, most likely due
to the in which his soldier father was pumping loads into his mother sick.
Pope Pious the twelfth was hit pope definitely not the third. I don't know
how many times they named themselves, you know, like there's not some of
them. There's like a million. There's like a million of the same name.
This pope. It's somehow the first Pope Francis. No one has named
them. I was just about to say, is there any like obviously right
off the front, you know, there's some firsts. But is he one
taking uniques these days? I guess Francis Francis was, but Benedict wasn't.
John Paul was the second. Uh yeah, but Pious is a is a
big one. I guess is he? Is he one of the Borges?
Is this about like the show the Borges? That's what the papacy and there's
all that fucking But I can't remember. No, okay, no, um,
he'sn't he's a he's a writer. Okay, he wrote a novel.
Oh, writer's writing about writers typical, but he worked in the field until
they turned eighteen, said deuces to a life has a hard hand, and
went to Sienna and Florence, where he studied classical languages and literature from two
universities, and like every good arts major, had limited options, that became
a teacher. I feel like, at least so writers actually used to you
say, like hard ditched the hard hand life. But like dudes like Hemmingway,
obviously that's like such a fucking brow thing to mention. But a lot
of people are Hemmingway, not even we served. It's just like there's a
million writers Steinbeck or whatever that are just like, you know what, like
I just want to go work. Yeah, I decided I had nothing to
do, that had a choice. He was kind of in the midst of
the dust bowl whatever. But some of them are still just like nothing,
we're hard hands. Now They're like I had nothing to do. So I
just decided if all the things, I'm gonna go be a man and like
work on an oil rig for six months or some board. So I wrote
the Great American novel that night's on the oil rig. Yeah, that's that
really is like how every fucking great American novel goes. Though actually every American
you shouldn't have to serve in the military, but you should have to do
like six months or a year on a oil rig. Uh. How did
I show you that meme that or that tweet I saw the other day?
I didn't show you like this dude or like hang power lines this dude goes.
Uh, this dude tweeted I'd never tip male waiters hit the oil rig
and word cheese. You did show me that? Someone tweet that. Yeah,
that's a pretty good tweet. That's I've every time. I've thought about
it so much since then, and I giggle every time hit the oil rig.
You ever see the videos of the oil rig guys, the actual rough
hands out there doing that shit, like swinging the pipes around and stuff,
getting the ship in the ground. Jack worked on the oil rigs. Those
things are nuts, dude, Just like it's like, oh, look at
all these greasy moving parts. That unsurprising. Yeah that shouldn't really surprise.
I mean you can there's a look to a whatever rig guy. Yea even
Jack, you know, he like sure he's out of shape now. But
in his heyday, Jack also invaded Iraq. Think I don't want anything past
Jack. No, he's probably got so many bodies, didn't he get shot.
He likes to just you know, kind of like get creating stories.
He likes to obscure it. But he was in an armored vehicle in the
fucking like spearhead of the invasion. Like he was like in the thrust,
Like he wasn't behind, like he was in the tip of the wedge.
Yeah, Chelsea, Jack, I miss him. We need to have him
back on the show, so Our Boy in fourteen thirty one, then upgraded
to secretary to a bishop in Fermo and became a follower of the anti Pope
Felix the Fifth. Oh, antipopes are dope. It's like matter and anti
matter Pope and Antipope. If they touched, they explore. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. He was part of the Renaissance humanist broadly, a group that
wanted to bring back the culture of ancient Greece and Rome through literature in philosophy,
and he was thus excommunicated by the Church. Right, he's he's kind
of a lib yeah, kind of a fucking like hippie, he was.
Yeah, and now all the orgy stuff you mentioned off the off the bat
makes sense. Let's bring back Rome and Greece. He just wants to loop
up with olive oil and go fucking bananas. Yeah, which respect, but
he just wants let's just let's just see through. Yeah, let's just see
through what you're saying, like, oh, it's the the literally now you
just want to fuck for free. No, man, you just want me
to push my thighs together. I see what you want to. Just be
transparent, don't waste my time, don't don't make me gas at what you're
saying. And I don't have time for innuendo. You just want to drop
loads everywhere he does, Yeah, he he several times you'll find he like
rejects the cloth. He's like, I'll work with you guys, but I'm
not gonna take the let's throw the thing on you know what. I can't
do anymore. The Greeky Romani it's kind of a big deal, that Greco
Roman thang. Yeah, which is everythang. In fourteen thirty five, he
was sent to Scotland on a mission from Cardinal Albergatti for some dumbass reason.
Thanking Mary for safe passage on a turbulent boat ride trip there, he decided
to walk barefoot from port to the nearest shrine of the Mother of Jesus,
which was about ten miles away in Dunbar. Oh. Yeah, it was
winter and there was snow on the ground. So did he lose his feet?
Yeah? He ended up having a foot in like pain suffered from his
I guess pilgrimage to the shrine when he walked in the snow barefoot. No
ship that would last the rest of his life. Yeah, so he had
like a sick, gnarly lamp. Yeah, I was about to see he
probably gave himself permanent nerve damage. Probably. Actually, it wasn't the snow
that did it. It was Mary being like, oh my fucking god,
stop doing this. Maybe if I maybe if I make him like, I
won't let make him lose a foot or getting infection, but maybe if I
just make the rest of his life like a little bit uncomfortable and annoying,
he'll tell other people that doing this type of thing is fucking stupid. Yeah,
and uh, I probably probably didn't. Probably the opposite happened. It's
like, I would highly recommend you walking from Port to Dunbar barefoot in the
winter. Yeah, dude, we love pain. Catholic Catholicism is a bit
of a BDSM organization. I mean, look at our symbol, right,
it's a guy being murdered. I always had such mixed feelings about did you
hear that joke when you're in like grade school about the uh it was either
the atheist kid or the Jewish kid. I think they kind of switched it
out Sometimes out ever is more relevant. Yeah, who was bad at math?
But then he went to Catholic school and he started being good at math
because the plus sign, because he was like, why, well, I'm
scared to be bad at it. There's a guy nailed to a plus sign
in every room in the fucking school. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
have heard that. Yeah. I always thought it was kind of whatever,
but I just it is. I do think thinking someone's nailed to it.
There were moments in your life that's just really stick in your head that I
don't know why you don't have random memories like that, do Yeah, but
not that obscure, and so then you don't kind of cross joke is it's
I'm nailed right in and a no I just like the joke. You remember
you said during an intermural basketball game for nine to eleven that just tanked and
you're like, no, I'm gonna I'm gonna repeat this. Like fifteen years
later, no one laughed at it. Still no one does. It's more
like probably seventeen years later. But you know, trying to help you out,
man, Yeah that's fine. I just remember, I don't know what
to tell you. I have a I don't have a good memory. Like
I do have a good memory, but I it doesn't work the way it
should. Just it just shits memories into his mouth and he throws them up
that and you have memory Tarets. Yeah, my brain just grabs a random
thing out of the ether, and I'm like, this time, it would
be so unfortunate if that was the real thing. You splurt your memories out
all the time, if that was all timers, all simers. I mean
it kind of is. It's just like it's internalized, like your experience.
I mean that basically is dementia, like an old person being like in nineteen
forty seven, nice saw brown car on a Wednesday. Yeah, that's it's
the I's the onion on your belt. Right from like no, it's like
god, dude, Like there's so many times too where the example is always
like the grandpa will think like his daughter is his wife, and shit starts
feeling around like oh hey, come over here, and it's like, oh,
just I mean make your horny for anything. Well yeah, yeah,
you're glitching out. Yeah, you're just like fuck, you're seeing into another
dimension at some point. Yeah, yeah, a glorious dimension where your daughter
is your wife. Gross. So while he was in Scotland, he also
had a bastard child. Oh nice, is he ordained yet? Oh no,
he's he works for the church, but he's not. Okay, so
he just knocked up a mud person. He did. He's not sticking around
with that thing. Well no, because the child died and he's off the
hook, lucky. Yeah, that's so funny too, Like if you get
someone pregnant back then, there's so much that who you didn't want to get
pregnant, there's so much natural opportunity to not have to raise that child.
Hey, you can just leave and they'll never find you, never, never,
there's that No, such things should supported, no, b it's a
miracle if the kid even cracks the edge. Of the vagina without being dead
already. B then every day it's alive until it's like fucking fourteen is a
miracle. Yeah, seriously, especially in the north. Yeah, in cold
every winter, yeah, yeah, winters, Like imagine, like like the
first frost, you're going to school, you know when you look around your
class and you're like, I know when it's gonna be here come spring.
Yeah, that's nuts. Jimmy one kid just because yeah, him, he's
gone done. It's not even that cold yet. You can't be coughing like
that. Kids today are soft. None of their classmates die except in school
shootings. I guess because it air getting hard again. Yeah, you think
one day maybe we'll just grow a bulletproof skin, Like, well, do
you want to make a terrible sci fi movie with some horrible, horrible political
commentary. Let's really lay it on thick. The year's twenty five hundred children
have exoskeletons. They can't be shot, but they shed them so that the
guns still kind of work. Like it's just dumb. Yeah, I want
to make that movie. It's called gun World. Oh this is my sort
of gonna rinu. Oh I gotta get my gun cards popped. My bullets.
The exhausted shoots bullets out of the back of it. Ah, good
world coming this fall. So he returned to Basil and won a seat in
the city council, worked his way up the clergy ladder without ever taking the
vows to the cloth because my guy liked to dump loads. Not always with
consent though, Well, O, what year is it? Well? In
a letter to his father, not nineteen eighty one, I don't even know.
In a letter to his father in fourteen forty three, he revealed that
he believed he had fathered a son with a woman named Elizabeth while he was
living for a period in France, that Elizabeth had rejected his advances. I
think that they would have a more would be more able to understand the concept
of an airplane than a woman giving what we would consider modern consent, Like
way she's allowed to have an opinion, right, Yeah, now that I
pulled that opinion totally out of my ass. I have no idea if that's
true or not, but it feels right. I feel like they would understand
flying craft, yeah, like Kurt in Sky. Yeah better than yeah,
he said, woman have choice, he said, he entered the room and
quote unquote possessed the woman, so he grabbed her. Yeah yeah, cool,
Well and more wisdom one possessed her like like a ghoul. Yeah,
he got inside of her, got inside her. Yeah. So if there
was no exorcist, my guy, though, doesn't really have a good retention
rate with the kids. Child died for ten months, doesn't he. I
don't know that this is that much of a statistical outlier, did he?
Did he end up having kids? Probably a couple, right, these are?
Yeah? But I mean like that lived are the two on record?
Okay? I mean he I bet you he ended up batting like four hundred
makes the Hall of fan Yeah yeah, yeah, that's actually really good.
And now that he was no longer anchored by a baby in France, he
left for Frankfurt and then Vienna to work for the Holy Roman Emperor Fred Thir.
Oh. Boy, he's working in the Holy Roman Emperor's court. I
can't imagine there's a lot of chicks not being able to say no, you
know what I mean, Like, it's just I'm sure he's running through that
court. So let's say he's got like nine more dead kids coming up.
What if this guy's just a kid killer Fanta said with Chancellor Casper Schlick,
who many theorized was the real world inspiration to his now famous novel A Tale
of Two Lovers? Is this Pious's novel? Yeah? Oh? Was him
and him and the chancellor fucking banging. No, not each other, but
like the same check. Um. So the Chancellor was an old boy and
uh yeah, many theorized that he was probably giving it to his wife sick.
Okay, so Pious was given it to the chancellor's last Yeah, and
then wrote a book about it. Yes, and I have some I mean,
I'll just tell you about the book right now. The Tale Two Lovers
was a steamy, erotic novel about two lovers who first met at a funeral
exchange flirtatious glances over a corpse love that the woman is married to a jealous
older man, presumably Casper, and having no way to communicate with her new
Italian lover. Yeah, I mean it's kind of on the nose. Yeah,
yeah, right, well, you know, yeah, they exchange passionate
love letters that express their deep desires and escalate to own in which is shown
with the illustrations throughout the book. It's a picture books picture. Pope wrote
an erotic graphic novel. This guy is a dork. My guy pies as
bars, he's got a rot. He's got erotic friend fiction. Yeah,
but it's not any it's erotic friend nonfiction. You can buy it now,
where's your copy? Dude? Us? All right, let'sok about amazons?
How much does cost called a Tale of Two Lovers? Do you want to
hear some bars? Yeah? Absolutely, barmy all right? That you love
me does not surprise me, for you are not the first nor the only
one that my beauty has led astray? Is that from the woman to him,
it's like you're You're nothing special, You're nothing special, You're not even
unique? Is that what that says? I love a first off? They
use his real name, they don't use his pope name. Uh what is
it? Aeneas Silvius Piccolomini. It's you said of me. That's fucking is
that the that's a Cafteria place where you get like that jella right, Hilom
Polomini. That's real, bibbity bubby boo. Yeah, uh man. Yeah.
You can get it on Amazon for twelve bucks hardcot hardcover. I think
it's soft only. I mean, you know, the Yeah, this is
an air This is an airport novel from the fifteenth century. My wishes urged
me one way, my thoughts another, and knowing what is best, I
pursue the worst. That's the original my moans tell him, No, that
is let's go Kelly, rip off, Pious, Key swagger Jack, Pope
Pious. The second. Well, they have a lot of other sexual stuff
in commons soun's like it. Yeah, mainly around consent. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, the lack of it. Yeah, And I can't imagine Pious
is super into caring about age. Although in this r Kelly would have thrived
in this era of history, would have thrived like fifty years before Kelly was
born in parts of the world, Yeah, a lot of parts. I
mean not Europe more, but more of his ancestral home would have crushed.
Sure, you could have Pete on any fucking twelve year only wanted to.
I don't know. He might have got him beaten. Yeah, you never
know. Yeah, I don't know. We don't know what tab it was
in different places. You make so little my love for although many love you,
none of their fires is to be compared with mine. You got a
sick fire. He's like they ain't got it like me. Yeah, fuck
yeah, I think he's talking about dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's got a light pipe. This is roughly no. It was like a
hundred years before Shakespeare, and Shakespeare talked about cock and post me a lot
in innuendo, so euphemism. So yeah, woman isn't ungovernable animal whom no
rains can control. Man. It's funny that back then they were like,
God, we just it is impossible to control women, no matter how hard
we try. Yeah, like, I don't know, man, I think
you're doing a really good job. I think you got it on lock.
Yeah. This one has a little bit more description of the actual body.
She was dressed in a light robe that molded itself to her body and did
not disguise either her breast or her hips. Her body showed itself as it
was, eyes that sparkled like the sun, a joyous look, animated face,
cheeks like bouquets of lilies and purple roses, a sweet and modest smile
on her lips, and generous breast with swollen nipples. Two pomegranates whose palpitations
awakened desire. Fuck yeah, I was like, cut it out with the
face stuff more hip and titty and he he got gets right back to it.
Swollen nips. Does he talk about her vagin? Oh white bosom,
Oh sweet tongue, Oh quick wit, Oh body of marble, full of
sap? Yeah, oh I mean she's wet, Yeah, full of sap.
When will I see you again? When will I bite again those ruby
lips? Which lipsy talking about? When will I feel again her agile tongue
in my mouth? Oh? I hold her breast again in my hands?
A quick question, agile tongue? Just she going like she like tongue box
and out. Yeah, how you gotta do it? That's how I kiss.
Tongue punching, yeah, just going straight. Jab jab yeah, maybe
a little hook here and there. You can jab somebody to death. Man.
It's a useful tool in the fight and when making out. Yep,
they will leave, Okay, I say, yeah, I'd be really careful.
How you say it. It's really useful to use a jab while you're
making out. You sound like Pope pious. Yeah, listen, some girls
like to be choked. I don't think many like to be punched, probably
more than you think. Oh. Actually I do know someone who is hooking
up as the one that requested he punched her in the face. I couldn't
do that, I could, He was like, I would leave. Yeah,
I couldn't even choke. I'm not into it. Not into it.
Yeah, No, if someone asked that, I would be like, no,
I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna kinda ride for that moral high ground
she asked for it. I'm not. It's not a moral high ground thing.
Yeah, that's you also have to consent to the act, right,
Like, yeah, yeah, it's not a moral high ground thing. I
don't think less of it. Oh well, she requested it, so yeah,
I stabbed her in the face, like, as long as she gives
me a permission. But yeah, it's just like I would just be like,
it would really take me out of it, Like that doesn't take me
out the physically striking somebody would. Well, yeah, other than obviously as
slaps, fine and everything, but right, there's a difference between smacking someone
in the ass, which is all soft issue, and just being like,
hey, behind the head, punched me in the face, Like, take
it back. I also, at that point you gotta start thinking about her
and be like kill her. No, not that that were just like,
what what happened to you? I've never had punch, but I've had a
girl asked for an open hand slap and I was like, na, in
the case, yeah, how hard, I didn't do it? Okay,
Yeah that's here is like here right, Yeah, that's that would be easier
for me to do than choking. A slap in the face, a light
slap. I also was dancing with a girl at UCF one time she asked
me to choke her in public, and oh no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no no, that's how you get
curb stopped to know. Yeah, that's like she asked, No, yeah,
yeah no. Actually at that point her fed is watching guys get the
shit kicked out of them, and then she made it happen, you know
what I mean. Like her, that's like her weird like subversive control fetish
where she's like, I can kill this man tonight with my seductions stranger I
just met. Yeah, dude, women, don't forget you can probably get
a lot of men killed. Oh in a night. Oh yeah, just
like, hey, this guy, uh easily x Charles Manson that shit at
a bar easily, you could literally literally, oh my god. So terrifying.
You could run up to someone and be like, this motherfucker just drug
by Drake. I just saw put some today by fucking Drake. Ten white
knights, without a without an ounce of thought as to what was happening,
would jump just dude who wanted to fight, probably right, would just it's
not even that, it's just like if that happened, I think the whole
bar would just jump this man. Yeah, and I'm not saying that like
women do that other times. They're not dying about Like it's just like I've
never once seen this happened, right, I've never seen this happen. Kind
of sounds like you're speaking from experience, But like, man, a chick
could ruin someone's whole fucking day if they, like, if they were just
some sly rearranged, Like most women aren't psychopaths, Like that's mostly like you
know, violent psychopaths are mostly men. Yeah, it's very rare. That's
some women like shug it out, Jack, they are no. But anyway,
the devil ever pulled was convincing the world she didn't exist. WHOA is
that progressive? I don't know. I can't tell if that's good or bad.
Yeah, they're always like God's a woman. What if the devil is
m Never thought of that, did you? It makes you think I met
God. She's black. That was on a T shirt I saw. I
was like, that's a lot of people off with that. That's good.
That's a good troll. Actually, man, I saw a rad bumper sticker
the other day. It was like, I think it was like a hippie,
like a really angry hippies bumper sticker. Yeah, you know, like
an environmentalist because it's it just said they're just just text on on white and
it just said nature bats last. That's pretty good, I know. I
was like, fuck, dude, all right, I want one that's like
sticks and stones may break my bones, but Ted Kasinski can make a wicked
bomb with those. I saw that there was a bomb for sale, right,
I said that to you guys, one of his like unopened packages.
Yeah, it was like on eBay, right, yeah, don't don't rush
ship it, Like do you ship that to the winner winning? I think
we should get in put it on set. Yeah, I mean we have
a smell. Someone is gonna accidentally open it. That's the problem. Yeah,
yeah, like I know, not to touch the thing now. But
also now, because we told you that would ruin our day. Obviously,
the kau Zinski package would ruin the set. Yeah. The amount of construction
we'd have to redo just a nightmare, especially on your legs. Yeah yeah,
yeah, who else is pie is banging? So what do you guys
think of a tale of two lovers? So far, I'm into it.
It's a it's very like beetread a bit self indulgent. That's very I wonder
if home you read it like the Chancellor. I don't know. Maybe he
was too old, you know what I mean, he was too busy,
like I saw a brown horse on Wednesday in fourteen twelve. It's definitely about
them, because there's a bunch of quotes too that I didn't add that we're
just talking shit about old people in love. Like this guy's dick was wicked
weak. I gave it to his wife's hot pussy real from Boston. Now,
yeah, yeah, I gave it to his wife's hot pussy real good.
His dumb dick didn't didn't work so good. Uh, fuck old people.
We should kill him or eat them or make them our slaves like a
little Mickey Avalon. Yeah, my dick, it's like really big. Yeah.
Yeah, Dick is like a little twig. But like you know,
it's not just good because there's modern dick, the Late Night Fee, Your
Dick Got the HIV. That's a great song. Actually, you listen to
that really gets you high for a party. Yeah, women love it too.
It's a good song. That's what it is, a good song.
It's just a good song. Yeah. I mean, if you need,
we should do a kids bop that where it's like my pig or something like
that, or just like my not just my dick, my dick, yeah,
my pen. Obviously, now working under Freddy three, he was forgiven
for his past transgressions against the Church, no longer excommunicated, and sent on
a mission to the Vatican in fourteen forty five to smooth over the internal struggles
between the Papal Court of Rome and the German imperial electors. So whenever in
a medieval too total war, it's like there's like this funny thing where like
like the Vatican is there, right, and the Pope is there, and
if you're a Christian nation or a Catholic nation, if you pick a Catholic
nations, play as like Spain or Frames or something like that or England,
because it starts in like ten seventy. You have to stay in good with
the pope, right or you get fucking find money, or other Catholic nations
will attack you. Yeah, they will raise an army against you. Yeah,
and stuff like that. But every time that pope dies, it's like
a reset, and so you can like sweeten it up with the next.
Yeah, and if the pope is from an allied nation or your country,
you're in good with the pope all of a sudden. And that always seemed
like dumb to me. I was like the Vatican remembers, it's the same
cardinals and they're electing a guy. No, No, new pope comes in
and you have a fucking clean flate. It doesn't matter what you did.
Literally four months before, they's got forty nations ready to roll son at all
times. Except you'll you'll find out not bias, Okay. He played a
leading role in the Compromise in fourteen forty seven, where dying Pope Eugene accepted
the reconciliation of Germany and the anti Pope was left without support. So he
turned on this boy. Look, man, you gotta read the train,
yep I guess during this time they looked the other way with our boys mentality
on celibacy, or you know, maybe he just kind of decided, you
know what, I'll put up some type of sham to take the vowels.
Yeah. I mean a lot of obviously, like the fun joke is uh
hahaha, okay, like priests or child molesters or whatever, and maybe the
priests are are left with the scraps, you know, boys essentially. But
uh, I feel like in this time period, especially bishops, cardinals,
the pope especially, they were dead families. If they're fucking chicks, there's
a there's a lot of like throughout history scandals with that, right, there's
like pretty much every pope around this time had kids and and like mistresses side
pieces. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. I mean the only ones
that didn't were probably either elected really old, were kind of boners, Like
they were probably a couple like real straight arrows who were like, she's just
called the the pope that doesn't have sex a boner. Yeah yeah, the
guy doing his job the way it's supposed to be, Like, what'll be
corrupt? Yeah, what are you doing? You're the you're the god wizard
now you're the king Wizard of Europe. Yeah, and what is this?
Fourteen forty you know, in fifty years king Wizard of two New Continents two
fourteen forty seven. So the Pope Eugene's successor, Pope Nicholas the Fifth,
made him the Bishop of tree Esda. That's sure. Whatever? Sure,
where's that in Italy? He later served as Bishop of Siena Okahoa. In
fourteen fifty he was sent as an ambassador by Emperor Frederick the Third to negotiate
his marriage with the Princess Eleanor of Portugal. In fourteen fifty one, he
undertook a mission to Bohemia and concluded a satisfactory arrangement with the whose site leader,
George of Potty Brady. So our boys from the Patreon Yon in Bohemia.
M this is a little after that, okay, but about forty years
right, yeah, but they're still the hussy Hussies. Yeah. He So
he had a little bit of his own cold after his death, because this
is about thirty or forty years after he died. Okay, you would have
thought, yeah, get a new dad, would have thought about would have
thought that about Jesus too. But here we are yeah talking about a pope.
Yeah, give it a couple another thousand years, maybe Yan. How's
the religion? Never know? But they're all named Yan. That's the most
confusing part. Everyone in the huss is Yon. So it's like fucking we
covered in the Patreon his group and his kind of like mentor and everything was
also named Yon. Trying to think, oh that was in King of the
Hill where everyone in that sort already cult were They all have the same name,
but I forget what it was, like Megan or something. So in
fourteen fifty two he accompanied Freddy three to Rome, where Frederick wedded nor and
was crowned emperor by Pope Calstus the third. So we're already on a different
pope around this time. The Pope's kind of just kind of die willie nilly.
I mean, they don't get elected young. Yeah, they're pretty old,
and it's you die of anything. You step on a fucking splinter,
you might fucking die. He gets elected kind of young ish, but he
always describes himself as old. What's like the youngest pope that's ever been?
Uh? I believe, yes, the Kangaroo Pope. If I actually had
to guess it, would be Peter the first one, but uh, Benedict
the ninth was twenty what when he was crowned or whatever pope in ten thirty
two? How long was his reign? One year? He got got um
not see anything as successor was who was? I'm sorry? He was the
Bishop of Rome, rule of the Papal States on three occasions between ten thirty
two and ten forty eight. He was like, he was pope more than
once. So he was pope and then unelected and then real, I don't
even were still figuring it out. Yeah, it doesn't matter. So our
boy was elected cardinal in fourteen fifty six. Was stacking real estate, cash,
just wealth, just you know, playing the game of bones. Climb
that ladder of bones, climb the bone ladder. Yeah, nice, you
brought it back. It's appropriate here, Yeah, I mean, especially with
the Catholic Church in yeah, medieval times. Yes, So in fourteen fifty
eight, he himself was elected pope after Calixtus the Third dies. What kind
of name is Calixtus Calixtus c A l I X t Us Calixtus Calixtus Calixtus,
Yeah, took the name of pious and was determined to face down the
threat of an invasion of Europe by the Ottoman Turks, who of course took
Constantinople in fourteen fifty three, so five years prior. Now. Fun fact,
Calixus was a Borgia. Oh really yeah, yeah, man, the
Borgia's the medicis. They were all trying to get their boys in there.
Oh yeah, and that uh, it's weird if you it seems like it
wasn't about you know, just being in a good holy spot is about getting
all the control for your family and check it out. That is God's will,
I mean God's plan. Yeah, that's God's plan. A lot of
people don't know if that's what Drake songs about and God about God. God
shows you his plans, but he didn't tell you how to do them.
Okay, so we got to fill in the blanks. And we're humans,
right, and we're not we're fallible. It's like the pope, he's infallible.
But it's it's an Ikea instruction like, but it's just before and after,
there's no in between, so you got to find your way there.
Yeah. It's kind of like those drawing instructions where it's like, all right,
draw a gorilla, and it's like, draw a circle. Now finished
the gorilla. It's like, wait, where's the where is the rest of
the gorilla? I don't know how to get from these three obols. What
does this rocket ship I needed to take? Yeah, so I to draw
the gorilla. I just killed twenty people. There is a gorilla, Like,
yeah, it's fourteen fifty three Constant and noble falls to the Ottoman insulting
memo. The second who had effectively ended the existence of the Byzantine Empire.
Yep. And by the way, not only that a few people know this,
added a title to his description. What's this Caesar memed did h that's
pretty cool. Actually, it's already a great name. Well you just add
it's like fucking Sultan. It's like fucking what's her name in Game of Thrones,
Breaker of Chains. She's just stacking titles. It's all kind of bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, So he added Caesar, and so every sultan,
everyone who ruled the Ottoman Empire until the end of World War One when it
dissolved Caesar. That's funny because like, sultan is kind of the same thing
though. Anyway, No, but they met specifically, they were like the
Roman Emperor. Yeah, abong other things. I kind of respect that though.
Yeah, it's like they have some regard for history where they're like ours.
Now that's another thing we took. Yeah. Now, the Ottomans were
in a strategic position to invade Europe through the Balkans. Things were looking a
little dicey for the future of Christianity. Yeah, yeah, so Pius called
for a new crusade against the Ottomans, who by this point, we're making
moves into southeastern Europe. The Christian princes of Europe, we're a little too
busy and stuff from each other. Take him seriously, it's a miracle that
Europe's not Islamic, to be quite honest. Yeah, they were unified under
one kind of banner, and we were all we the Europeans were all like,
oh well, I kind of want to steal from France. Today we
kind of have someone to thank for all this. And uh he's a pretty
well known name. Okay, not a guy um you probably want to be
associated with. But you know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Vladdie talking about Vlad the Impale. So Pope Pious was working with Blad the
Impaler. Hey man, let's go aka Vlad the third aka Dracula, Yeah
the Dragon. Yeah's your boy. I mean, we still have to do
an episode of Lad at some point to Halloween episode. We'll cover some of
the stuff that he did here briefly because I just love it's going to kind
of pivot to Vlad now for a second. By the way, that episode
already has to be titled How Dracula Saved Jesus. Yeah, I saw That's
the only only thing you could be titled. I saw a sweet the other
day was maybe the title for this episode, How Dracula Saved Jesus. I
mean, dude, we gotta do it. I We're gonna workshop things.
It's real time. Yeah yeah, uh, Vlad Din and Pale anyone until
his late twenties or I think it was like his early thirties, so you
got plenty of time, Like you know, it's like, yeah, you
never stopped dreaming, right, real quick. Before we get back to um,
in my opinion of top five, Pope, we do have some ads
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does at night without any dreams. And also this is a dude that the
salt him was like, oh man, he's as ruthless as I am.
Kind of respect Yeah. So by March fourteen sixty two, Glad the Impaler
of all the Princes of Europe found himself the keenest participant in the poop Pope's
crusade that was so good it was a poop cruise, poop crusaded, a
little poop crusade. No that I'm the poop crusader you wanted, the poop
crowns crusader, the dragon, the poop crusader. For're giving you titles?
Yeah, though his motivation was hatred for the Turks rather than love with the
Church. When reports of his violent victories over the Ottoman Empire spread throughout Europe,
however, Catholics are joyce would past a second at these campaigns continued to
drive ments forces further from Rome. Yeah, it's kind of like we had
such an interesting character because like it's a god fuck name man, Like that
guy's intense. But then you're like, can we get him to fight for
us? Because that's awesome. Like I feel like his biggest redeeming quality even
though he didn't just do he just do this to Turks, but like as
far as impaling Turks goes, like the redeeming quality would be that, I
mean, you know, they were invading his country, like he was the
one that was being attacked. Kind of right, Like yeah, it's just
like you know, standard ground doesn't look as nice when you impale the person
breaking in your I guess I'll say this, if I saw if I saw
a Russian soldier something and a Ukrainian soldier doing something, I can tell you
who I'd give more latitude too. Morally, well, yeah, it depends
on where you are, right, It's it's all set and setting right,
Yeah, for drugs, war, all of it. Can you imagine that?
Like someone like tomorrow we read, oh, stand your groundcase the guy
impaled his home invader, Like, yeah, so Vlad employed gorilla strikes and
scorched earth tactics. Hidden archers shot down the Ottoman scores fell into pits covered
with brush and lined with sticks. Waters were poisoned, Livestock was slain.
The prince even paid people with leprosy or the plague to mingle with the tricks
and infect them. Hell yeah, scorched earth, Lad, What a fucking
dude. I mean, really, I feel like the two like if you
really wanted to boil down war winning wars to like one or two things,
Like it's like baseball wins above replacement or whatever, Like really, what's the
two things that really matter? It's either A you're you're economically stronger, or
B you'll just do anything. Yeah, It's like I'm not every angle every
yeah, oh yeah, biowarfare outside like visible steaks to put humans on hidden
pits of steaks, put humans poisoning water. I mean the fucking Russia,
dude, Like they nuked their own country twice, like figuratively twice when they
are invaded. Like people talk about like, oh, it's the winner that
that killed Napoleon and and beat Hitler and stuff like that, But it was
the winner. Combined with the fact that they literally scored, they went scored
shirt, they scored their own earth. They raised the earth assault of the
earth. Every they retreated like they the armies were not able to take anything
from the land they were conquering, like they fuck and that killed Russians both
times. That killed Russians. It's like that caused a lot of Russian people
to die. You have it, you can't, right basically, and if
they're gonna die either way, we'll kill them. Yeah. It's like,
this is what you want, this is what you get. It's bold.
The Sultan's militia was severely impaired by these strategies, as they dragged heavy artillery
through disease written marshes, sustained great loss from lads hit and run maneuvers.
Finally, Memied trapped his enemy in a mountain pass and set up a siege.
Determined to wait till Lad and his followers starved or surrendered, the Ottoman
camp lay in silence. Suddenly a trumpet braid, the rumble of Russian feet
and roaring voices swelled over the tents. As Vlad led a surprise attack in
the dead of night, blades gleaming in the torchlight, our boy rushed into
the Turkish camp. The skirmish of June seventeenth, fourteen sixty two left Memed
the Second terrified. With his forces demoralized, he abandoned the chase of Lad.
Soon afterwards, however, Memid pulled away and marched on the capitol.
After Lad, another shock waited. The gates of the city stood open,
no resistance was offered, and twenty thousand dead Turks arounded the city impaled on
stakes. Oh man, So they rolled up the tru and get Lad at
his hometown, and it was just like, oh, here's the gate,
come on in and it's just lined with dead Turks on sticks. Ye,
that's man. I want a movie. Well there is a movie, is
there? Dracula untold? Oh? Really it's a it's a Dracula origin story.
I think it's terrible, but I've never seen it, so I don't
know. I want like a fucking epic. But it's funny because, like,
you know, a studio is desperate and super fucked when they're making m
what's it called when the IP is not owned anymore? Because it's like general
something or oh oh god, it's there's a word for it. Yeah,
and I can't think of it. There's like a term for it, and
it's essentially like anyone can do it. Yeah, anyone can use it any
like literally, like anyone can make a Frankenstein movie. Anyone can make a
Dracula movie. It's open. I'll think of it later. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, so they're if they're doing that like that, you know they're
fu Yeah. Yeah, when you make a public domain fucking yeah yeah.
Seem Bill Willie is about to be in public domain next year? Is that?
Mickey Mouse? The original Mickey Mouse is about to be in public domain?
Are they gonna do like a Winnie the Pooh situation with it, where
they made a horror movie on a Whinnie the Pooh? Probably? Yeah,
Oh dude, did you see that? Thing like I didn't watch it,
but sit out. It's dude, I imagine you can get it on Prime.
It's so bad looking though, No, it looks great. Um.
So the Sultan saw twenty thousand of the soldiers on pikes and uh yeah,
he wheeled his army southward and retreat it them. It's like, you know
what, this too much, This is too much, Like I can't do
this anymore, you know. And this guy Dracula untold by the way,
hears to depict the battle you're talking about. Okay, so we may need
to do a launch along for track. Actually that sounds great. We have
to do a whole episode. I'm glad at some point. Yeah, we
really do. Because he's insane. He's one of those guys. He's just
a guy. Was he insane or was he a man of his time,
a man who rose to the call? Yeah, sliding men slowly down,
wooden stakes nature versus nurture. Yeah, you know, before he started impaling,
they had a real problem with excess stakes. Yeah, like, what
are we gonna do here, miss stakes surplus? Yeah, yeah, it's
like ruining our economy. We got to find a use for these. What
if there was like twenty minutes where it was rubbing on your prostate and it
actually felt pretty good before it then got really bad. I can't imagine.
I can't imagine. You're just spent twenty minutes coming and then it gets really
bad. It's like, see, it's not so bad. Yeah, it's
not so bad now. Other than lad pious and neglected more of the practical
matters of Europe, notably the settlement of the Hussite problem. The Hussies,
Yeah, so he let Bohemia kind of get out of hand. He also
ignored the French aggression in Italy. Well, you know, formerly a skilled
diplomat, pot that's how he kind of rose through the ranks. Pies the
second handle these problems problems pretty badly. He gathered an army of Crusaders and
led them across the mountains of central Italy to the port of Ancona on the
Adriatic Sea. But already ill his body weekend and through the many years of
pleasure before he joined the church, and you know, just kind of being
the same the fucking right now, I'm saying he might have had twenty diseases.
Oh oh yeah, that's fair. It's a brain lesions from the old
sith, Yeah, a little sif, little gannerie, a little chlamydia.
What I want to we should just do if it's even possible. At an
episode on when STD like first noted instances of STDs, you know what I
mean? Like, yeah, when did when did chlamydia start? Were there
STDs in ancient Egypt that we don't have anymore? Who was it? Was
it al Capone that like had insane amounts of brain lesions from syphilis, Like
he's just going nuts at the end of his life. Oh yeah, yeah,
into that. He lived in like a dope house in Florida at the
end of his life, didn't he I don't know, probably was a prison.
No, he didn't die in jail. He did go to jail,
he didn't die in jail. You might be right. Uh so, yeah,
he died in fourteen sixty four before the crusade of his own where he
was leading the troops. He was actually literally on the front lines, sick
about to go. But he was sick died of whatever disease? Do you
love? You know, my dad's retired. He just took up painting.
Yeah, oh really, Yeah, so what if your dad just led a
crusade. I'd be proud of him. He paints a crusade scene. He's
like, you know, agism holds us back, holds all of us as
a society. Back Pious was wrong about old people being useless. Actually he
always proved his point. I'm gonna lead an army, but I'm old that
died. Yeah, well most of our leaders are old too much, too
old, too way way too fucking old. Yeah, it's gonna be if
it's never mind it, I won't get not evergreen topics, but like Trump
and by it in our oldest shit. Yeah, they're the oldest there.
If you combine their ages, they are even older. Yeah. I actually
they their ages combined are like over fifty percent of America's existence in years.
That's crazy, but not really that makes sense. Yeah, yeah they're old.
He dies, and a few years after his death, his legacy actually
starts to pop off when his novel The Tale of Two Lovers was published.
Really it wasn't publishly died, yep, I thought it was published, and
the old bitch, no, no, it was it. It was published
like locally, we're talking gathering okay, okay, in you know, Denmark,
Germany, all the all the good spots. Yeah, you know,
they're just the high full uton. It actually proved to be one of the
most popular books of the early Renaissance. So, and it was originally printed
in Latin, and as the popularity of the Tale of Two loversh grew,
it was quickly translated into every other European language. So this is that's actually
interesting because excuse me, a theory like this seems probably obvious that culture moves
slower back then than it does now. Yeah, but like that's glacial almost
for a book. How old thirty forty years old? No, how old
was the book? The book was only if so he died in sixty four.
He wrote the book in the forties, so yeah, like twenty years
old. Okay, a twenty year old book could still pop off now and
not seem like dated, I guess. But if you read a book like
that was unpublished from the fifties, I don't know how that book could possibly
be subversive, I think when it is also Pope, he kind of like
kept it on the below that he published that book. Yeah, yeah,
probably. It's like when you're interviewing for a job and you can't tell them
you worked for total fratmok or just you just like don't google me. Yeah,
just look at my Instagram. Yeah, please make a private yeah yeah,
I don't. Don't look at software history dot com. It's like,
what's this Uni bomber hoodie? Don't worry about it, but it's kidding kind
of sick, right yeah. On open package, Yeah, I can get
you one. Be careful opening it when it arrives. So that is a
story of Pious the Second and his Iraq novel, and also Lad briefly,
who kind of saved I actually didn't know. See if you want to say,
I'll just say what you learned. I didn't really Vlad was in so
tight with the pope. Yeah, you wouldn't think that would be like I
kind of thought. I kind of always just had it in my mind that
he was sort of acting on his own or like he's on accord, yeah,
or just with other people in the region. I realize it was so
church sanction. I didn't. Yeah, I didn't think he was like a
national not national, but a continental figure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I thought he was like it's like, oh, don't go over there,
the creepy country right right right, that's where the bats are and yeah,
but he had like no other options really, so they just kind of funded
them a little bit. They didn't really. I think it was a more
of a you're gonna do this anyway, so we'll just kind of back you.
It's like, hey man, you're crushing it here. Why do you
take this on tour? Yeah? Yeah, And that's what he did,
okay, because the other crusade that he led against the Ottomans was by himself
because like nobody else wanted to support him. That's fair. I mean,
what are you gonna Why does France want to liberate Greece? Yeah? You
know, yeah, they're like, am I gonna get part of Greece?
Yeah? What am I getting out of this? Not part of Greece?
French Greece? Where is it? Yeah? Yeah all right, I'll probably
live, you know yeah, not not in Yeah. And this was like
I guess it's like no for the Church, It's like cool, no man,
yeah, cool? Neat? Do I get it? Do I get
the Vatican? Yeah? Do I get the Church? No? Okay?
I mean there's there could and probably was a quid pro quo, but clearly
he wasn't offering enough. Um So the concept here is that you were saying
earlier. It's like a miracle that we know we Why do I keep saying
that, Like Europe isn't didn't become Muslim, buddy, If you're became Muslim,
you're a Muslim too. It's a that's a week, I guess.
So, yeah, I actually aren't you Russian? Um parts? Yeah?
Okay, what are you? Like? Russian? German, A whole lot
of stuff. I feel like you're mostly easy. It's Russian, It's Russian,
Greek, like, okay, it's it's I don't know that the Turks
would have taken Russia, to be honest. Yeah, that's a lot of
that's just a lot, a lot to deal with. They would take,
they would have taken like the Ukraine crime they did take Crimea for a little
while, um uh or for a while uh and probably the Ukraine too.
But Russia proper, Russia proper. Yeah what we're saying, I'm sorry,
Oh no, I was just like if that's the case, Like it's also
man so you're seeing like internal division and strife leads people susceptible to invasion.
Yeah. So in the upset of the episode, somehow Vlad is not Hitler
no, Blad's not Hitler. Lad is very much Jesus here, I wouldn't
go that far. Is the same? Yeah, kind of a little bit.
Yeah, who but who is Hitler's ironic? That putting a bunch of
dudes who didn't want to be on wood on wood save Christianity. It's nuts,
Yeah, to be honest with you, that's the kind of innovating.
Like he's a disruptor. You know, he's he's disrupting war crimes, right
Like it's like, oh, you're gonna like cool prisoner. Yeah, I'm
going to slide him down wood. Yeah yeah, um who is Hitler today?
Pious no means no, Yeah, I gotta probably go with the rapist.
But if I just to be different, I will my Hitler would be
um man, this is a tough one actually, aside from pious being yeah,
because you can't go Lad. Really, I'm not making Vlad Hitler in
this now. Memod was just doing mem Yeah, I mean he was.
I'm also gonna go pious again for just I walked a barefoot in the snow.
That's a really a Hitler situations. Yeah, um yeah, it's gotta
be pious. I guess I can't even think of anyone else who was like
remotely an asshole in this story. Yeah, he was also like banging that
dude's wife wrote a book about it. Oh, actually that guy for being
a bad husband, Yeah, filling his wife? Sure him? That guy?
Uh? For me, I think it's R. Kelly's Yeah, yeah,
that is we talked about just because I think he fucking swagger jacked Pious
the second and his bars did he did? Pious was doing it first.
Mine's telling me no, but my body body telling me, what if we
just did the worst watch along ever when we read Pious's book on air that
twelve hours. I don't think it's that long. Probably not no books books
for like ten pages back then. That's all I got today. Thanks for
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