Adventist Radio London. Inspiration for the song We Welcome to Talking Point with Ray
Sen you Angeler, discussing the hot topics and answering your questions, Saturdays five
to seven pm on Adventist Radio London. It's talking Point. It's talking Point.
It's talking Point. It's talking Point, real conversations. You need to
have good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to Talking Point.
Thank you for joining us. If you're listening in, it is just
twenty five past five, starting a little later today. Schedule is running a
little over today, but welcome to Talking Point. It is the tenth of
February. And hope you've had a blessed sabbath so far. I think sun
may set already, so I hope you've had a blessed day. So we're
going to get into it. Thank you for joining us. I am joined
in studio. Actually no, I'm not joining the studio. I'm joining a
studio with my mum. Actually, I've got my mum with me today,
sitting quietly at the corner there, smiling away at me. But anaz zoom.
I've got my trusted co host Pedro and his lovely wife Tara and so
thank you both for big with us today. And then, actually the only
person who's missing today is Xena. It's her turn to be the jet setter
this time, so she's off on vacation. I'm not quite sure whether she's
actually where she actually is at the moment, but I know she's going off
to sunnier climbs than here in the UK. So yes, so travels,
Zenya. We are glad for you. I'm happy for you that you're taking
a break. I just wish I was able to come with you. But
next time, Yes, from yours. They're right. So so we're going
to make a start. We're going to say prayer and then we're going to
get into what we are going to be talking about today. So let's pray,
Father God, I want to thank you for blessing us with another Sabbath
day, Dear Lord. And wherever and people have been and what have they
done, I hope that they've been praising you, worshiping you, and have
gained to blessing from today, Dear Lord, Dear Lord, We're gonna be
talking about a topic that's dear to your heart, I know, dear Lord,
and important for all of us, and definitely important in our relationships that
we have. So I pray, Dear Lord, that you bless the show
today, bless our conversation, and I pray that whatever we share will be
a blessing to those who are listening. I thank you for hearing and answering
and being such an awesome God. This is my prayer. Amen. So
we are here at Talkie port Point. Thank you for joining us. If
you want to join in our conversation, because it's all about talk and sharing
our thoughts, you can get involved by either emailing us at studio at Adventist
Radio dot London, or you can text us on at eight triple to eight,
write hope and then your message, or you can whatsappers on seven four
five nine six four two eight nine eight. So do get involved with the
conversation today. We'd love to hear your thoughts. So, Pedro and Tara,
how is your week being? How are you both? It seems like
the week has gone past very quickly because it feels like it's only yesterday that
I saw you. Actually, it was really nice to see you. Guys
are the flesh rather than just other screens. So technically we are in the
studio we're just on zoom we are. That's true. That's true. That
is true. But yeah, how's your week been? You can see each
other other folks can't see us. Yeah, so that's why that matters.
Well, No, our week was good for me? Is being a little
rough because you know, I'm on the rolls all the time and been snow
and sleed and rice. I'm ice and cold, and yes, I've been,
you know, just dealing with that. The heater. The heater in
my car. It didn't go out, but I gotta get it. I
got to get to the I gotta get to what do you call that.
I got to get to the shop because my heater it stays on, so
like when I turn off the car, it continues to run. Like I
have to add to like manually disconnected. So that makes it a little difficult
because you know, like sometimes you get in the car and then it starts
like forcing on the window, so I have to like plug it in so
that I could deforce the window. Then it gets too hot because it stays
on the whole time, they have to unplug it. So that's I dealt
with that this week, but made it through, so thank God, and
hopefully the next couple of weeks, I'll be able to take it to the
shop and get it fixed. But I'm glad you've got some heat, because
I know what it's like not to have heat. And yeah, the bad
weather like that, and you're driving your cards and care Okay, I'm not
sure how much colder it could be. He might as well be sitting outside
the car, you know. But yeah, hopefully, Oh I since I've
lost you guys that you frozen me frozen. Okay, Well we all come
back to them, hopefully they'll be back with us. As often sometimes,
as with live radio, there are technical difficulties. But here we are.
So we all go back to Peggo and Tara in a second. So for
me, my week has been an interesting week. Oh you guys back as
I said, yeah, we I say we got we lost it from me.
I'm sorry. I don't know what happened, but I was yeah,
but the cold, I was U saying talking about the cold. The cold
don't bother me too much. Is because I were like thick socks and stuff
just annoying because you know, you don't realize how much you I hate.
These are like trying to cars. I like the old fashioned. You know,
we could just turn the knob, you know, and so everything's huh
with the heat coming on instantly, you mean right, well, no,
not just instantly, just you know, it's I can't control it, so
it just makes a little bit more difficult. But thankfully I made it through
the week, and I was for that. My week was good. I've
been healthy this week, so that was a good thing too. I wasn't
sick, wasn't cold coughing, so that was another good thing that this week
it was was good for. But it did go fast, Yeah it did.
I mean I marvel at the fact that, you know, twenty four
hours seems quite a long time, but you know, seven of those go
past really quickly, and you know, once again, here we are about
you. I had a good week, you know, it's just the week
that God let me be here and made it through the week dealing with the
kids and dealing with you. But other than that, you're something to deal
with too. Whatever. Don't just started on this show. But God is
good all the time, and I'm just glad we here today. Walk yeah,
yeah said. The whole thing just shut down. Yeah, The cars
was literally sliding back and forth. The trucks, you know, the big
trucks and stuff. Was literally just passed in the middle of the street.
But it was traffic just for miles. Wow, you know. Wow.
Yeah, they did say the weather was gonna take a bit of a turn,
but it's so different when you think of different parts of the country.
Here down south, we've not had We've not really had any snow. A
little bit of frost and stuff, but really not as bad as that.
So I wonder what's coming. But yeah, we've had a lot of rain.
Unfortunately, we live in the mountains, so we get all the nice,
nice weather. Oh oh well, I was just saying before lived it
was snow, but where I was working was like Liverpool, there was no
snow. I was looking all so it was just so bad for me because
all day I'll be I was out. But as I got closer to home,
that's when the weather started to get better than the car started kind of
sliding a little bit and I have to be more mindful. But yeah,
yeah, so it wasn't everywhere. Oh no, it's been Yeah, I
was gonna say. For I was just saying before my week's been again another
busy one. I pulled my back actually so I'm not quite what I'm not
sure what I've done, but it's amazing how sometimes something happens. And I
realized all the things that I suddenly now can't do. So I couldn't really
sort of spend you know, put on my socks very effectively, in my
shoes, and you know, as much as they sort of say. I
went to the osteopath on Thursday, and that was then very painful after that,
and it was just, oh, I have to keep moving, I
have to keep walking, and I'm thankful that I'm able to do that.
Walking through the pain has not been so great, but as you said,
Tara, grateful to God to be still here, to be able to get
out and about as much as I can do. So, you know,
lots of pain killers, lots of deep heat, heat pads and all that
kind of thing. They gave me. The Yeah, just not a lot,
just like six tablets for a couple of days. But yeah, definitely
released those muscles. Yeah, definitely helps, you know. And then everybody
necessarily wants to take medication, but I don't take medication. No, no,
I but see no trains. Because I was at a point where I
literally woke up one morning and I couldn't walk. Yeah, I literally was
like I was like frozen. I was like a statue. I could not
walk. If I had to go somewhere, I had to go like ten
minutes early to get there because I was not gonna make I was walking like
an old man with a cane, like I could not. Every step was
painful. I could not. So I had to get something because I'll tell
you, I don't take pills. I hate pills. I mean, I
see I have the complete opposite to that. I want to take whatever I
can, and I say that this is the right stuff that you need to
take. If I could take I wonder, you know, you know sometimes
I wonder. Yeah, I take all the just the right stuff. But
you know, if I can get rid of that pain as quick as possible,
you know, there are some good pat killers out there, so I'm
going to to take them. Pain and tower does not go together. So
so so I'm glad to see you both here today, and we're talking about
an interesting We started our February being, you know, traditionally the month of
love. You know, we've been talking about love, relationships and marriage,
and obviously we have you both on here following up kind of as an extension
of your podcast, Marriage Can Heal. That's the do you know what,
it's one of the two it was. It was formerly known as Marriage Can
Heal, to Heal Heal My Marriage. So that's the podcast that Pedro and
Tara do and you can catch that on an Advantage Radio London Sunday four o'clock
and also all the other plats streaming platforms as well. And so last week
we were talking about communication, which definitely is a big, big, big
big skill to have in our relationships. And this week because now you know,
I guess there are lots of kind of traditions and lots of kind of
days awareness days in the year, but next Wednesday is where the world is
celebrating love. Now, love is a theme topic that really should be celebrated
all year round, but on February the fourteenth, it's traditionally known as a
Valentine's Day, So that's when you know, the world and unfortunately, and
I know many people don't like it for this reason, it's become a bit
of a commercialized holiday day of awareness, etc. However, we're going to
talk about love today and love in general. The ideas around love. I'm
also thinking about love within a marriage relationship, so there's a lot to be
said. And it was interesting. I was I think I was doing some
research for this. I came across and sort of the song was in my
head and I don't know if anybody knows this. It's a thing I do
it as Frank Sinatra has sung it his the song call Love and Marriage,
and the lyrics go, love and marriage, Love and marriage go together like
a horse and carriage. This I tell your brother, you can't have one
without the other. And I thought, love, am I really going to
be singing this on there? Their marriage? Part of it's part of us.
It's part of a famous TV shows. Yes, it is the best
TV show. I'm not going to really say the name of the TV show
because I'm not going to promote it. But it was a l Bundy and
Peggy. Oh it was on that as well. Yes, it was that.
That was the thing that was the theme to the show. That true.
Yes, that's true. Oh yes, I do remember that. But
it says, you know, this is to brother you can't have It's not
the best to bring up right now, but it is. I was talking
about that. I wasn't talking about the show. I was talking about the
lyrics. But love of marriage, it's an institute. You can't disparage.
Ask lotal gentry and they will say it's elementary. Try try to separate them,
it's illusion. Try try and you will only come to this conclusion.
Love and marriage, a marriage go together like a horse and carriage, which
I thought was very interesting. So we'll be, you know, we'll be
discussing a little bit about that because I'm curious to know whether you know,
love is a really important part within that, within a marriage relationship. But
yeah, yeah, But to start off as off, then let's think about
love. What would our definitions be of love? Now, I know I
went to the dictionary and I had a look, so I shall share that
in the second. But I'm going to throw that that out to both of
you, Pedro and Tara. What's your definition of love? Definition of love?
For me? Love encompasses so much love for me, And in the
terms of marriage is two actually even better? Yet in terms of religion and
our religion that we're taught and we believe, and I noticed for the fact
that love for me is God loves us so much that he sent his only
son to die for us, so willing to do whatever is needed to protect
us. So, for me, love is is me willing to do whatever
I gotta do to protect the one I love, other person that I do
love. It doesn't necessar necessarily always mean it's gonna be my wife, cause
I love other people, m but it's a different kind of love my family,
you know. So I'm gonna do whatever I have to do to protect
them, even sometimes sacrificing myself. I think love for anybody and I'm not
saying that I wanna go out there and get myself hurt on purpose. But
if I have, if I have protect the the brunt of whatever's happening,
just to protect that family member all my wife, I'm I'm gonna. I'm
gonna do it because my love for them is that strong. Cause sometimes you
know, we have to protect our family and our f in, our spouse
from things, and we have to sometimes just take it. You know,
we may not like it and we may not agree with it. But so
for me, love is definitely that. I just think love is a universal
term that you can use that commit is being committed at all times to that
person. Okay, okay, all right, and your thoughts on that I
was love for me. It's like kind of what Peter was talking about well
with me. For marriage in the relationship is being there for your spouse,
enduring the different things that you may go through in your marriage. It really
tests your love for your spouse depending on the situation that you're going through.
And I think loving someone is giving y'all alle to them, giving your mind,
your heart and saying, you know what I'm all in in this marriage.
I love you, I love God, and i want everything to work
in our marriage, and I'm willing to go through the good and the bad
no matter how things may look. That's that's what I think love is.
Love is not both. Love is not proud. Love is given, giving
yourself someone like Jesus kind, like Jesus did for us, He gave us,
He gave us his love, he gave us his all, And it's
the same thing we have to do with our spouses. We have to give
out all to them and be able to know that through that love, we're
going to go through hard times. Through that love, we're going to go
through good times. But are we willing to to work through the through all
of that and you know what I mean. Some people say love don't love
don't make a marriage last forever, but I would say it can. It
can because you got two people working to make it work in their marriage.
The love is just like an added bonus because because because you love that person,
you're going to try. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm glad you.
Kind of that's kind of en compass to some of the things I was kind
of looking. So when I was looking in the dictionaryas often do for words,
and when there's there's various definitions for love. From one was an intense
feeling of deep affection. And I sometimes I know when I think of love,
I just think it's like a really intense version of like so intense that
you almost can't even put a kind of number or the depth of that's what
have you. And then kind of, you know, words that kind of
linking with that would be things like fondness, tenderness, the intimacy, the
attachment, the devotion, adoration, you know, those kind of words.
But also it talks about a real great interest and a pleasure in something.
So I'm sure there are many men out there who love football, for instance,
or if you're like me, you love your food kind of thing,
so you know you're really really into something, take great pleasure, great interest
in them. App obviously things like deep affection. You know, you enjoy
something, you really like something. So it's all of those things. It's
all of those things really and there's so many ways that are linking with that.
So but as you said, there are different I mean, there are
different types of love. And when we talk about love from a spiritual perspective
of love in the Bible, there are kind of four I suppose types of
love that are found in the Bible eros or eros, Storge, Filia,
and a garpe. Just a kind of quicker overview of what they are.
Now, you know, we know and we believe as Christians that God is
love and God is the center and what have you. But then they talk
about there's like Greek words for different types of love in the Bible. So
eros is that's the kind of Greek word for sensual and romantic love, and
that's what we believe is what's going to be reserved for marriage. The love
romance, intimacy stage is a term that describes the more familiar kinds of love.
So that's family between parents, children, brother, sisters. It's a
family love. Then you have failure, which is the intimate love that you
will practice to one another. That's kind of the sort of brotherly love.
So it's a kind of christ As Christians, you know, we treat each
other as our brothers and sisters. It's that powerful friendship bond et cetera.
And then a gape is I suppose it's the highest type of love, which
it really is a good term to describe describe God's immeasurable love for us.
It's perfect, unconditional, sacrificial, and pure. So there's so there's there's
different types of love that really encompass what love really is about when you think
of it in different kinds of context, and what are you I just thought
that's something we were talking about. Then we just talking about the different have
to love, and I was, you know, I think they, like
I believe, love comes in stages. So like you meet somebody, you
you start to feel that love towards them, like you get to know them,
and as you get to know them, you feel that love towards them.
Then you say, okay, do I want to spend the rest of
my life with this person? Then that's it's like so it's like steps and
then so like that to me, like the intimacy will be the ending part
of the love. And I think that's important because throughout marriage you go through
stages where sometimes for those love not all for loves are going to be there
at one time. So sometimes you may not you may not be intimate.
You may like if you're sick or something's going on, you know, you
may not be intimate. But that doesn't mean that they don't love you.
So now you have the other love that will will take will be stronger to
take over, you know why You're still until you're able to have to be
intimate with your spouse and then when it goes through. Intimacy is not always
just sex. Some intimacy can be just being there sitting bags, yeah,
or it's so many different things that come with intimacy, and it can be
just going out to eat. You need so many ways to show love.
It ain't got to always be yeah, rubbing your feet or giving them a
massage, you know, or something like that. I mean, I think
if we don't display all different parts of love and always think it's just sex,
then we kind of missing out on the things that we really can make
a marriage strong. But going back to a bit about you were saying about
love comes in stages, So before you even get to married, where does
where would you say their love fits into all of those things? Because if
you think about the different types of love that there are, I guess maybe
they play a different part, possibly different stages. You know, if you
kind of get to know some if you meet somebody, you're getting to know
them. That's that kind of friendship you're starting off. If you're part of
a big group, you obviously experience that kind of collective love for your brothers
and sisters. So how what sort of part of this does it play in
each of those the stages? Then I think the stage is like, so
when I'm at Tara, I was I wouldn't say I was interesting. I
was instantly in love, but I knew I want to marry her. So
now the next step was to get to know her, get to know her
likes to dislikes, get to see if we're compatible. Because sometimes you may
love somebody or think you falling in love with somebody, but you're not compatible
with that person if you're not in the same if you're not thinking the same.
You know, you could be we just a little off in our thinking
because she was Baptists, I was a ventist. But we both believe in
our ability. For me to say i'most still stick with this, then you
start to which we didn't do. But then if you get counseling, you
start to learn the likes and dislikes of each other. Like I said,
it's just and then you start to see if you if you feel each other
like, if you understand each other, or if you're willing to grow in
love, if you're willing to be with this person and say, okay,
I'll accept them for the faults that they have and the good that they have,
the good and the bad, And then you know, then the love
just starts to grow. And I think it's just a process that I don't
know if anybody just likes if you just fall in love and you just like
I love you in a week, or you just love somebody like so quickly,
then you know what, then that's more like lust. It's not really
love. So love it takes time. It doesn't just happen overnight. I
know some people say, you know, as soon as I met them,
I was just in love with them. You may be in love with they
what you thought they could offer you, but you had to get to know
them to make sure that they could offer it. Because somebody can offer you
something, but then what happens when they take that take that away? Do
you still love them? Then? So the idea of the first sight is
not really a true thing, I think, I well, I be honest,
it is. It is because I was in love with Tara at first
sight, but I was not in love with her. I just love what
I saw. Okay, you understand. I was in love with what I
saw, but I still didn't know her, so I couldn't be in love
with her. I was in love with what I with the visual of what
I saw, but I had to then get to know her, you know,
mentally and spiritually and yeah, of course, and again the physical cook
should come after the marriage. But you know, I had to get to
know her that. I had to get to know her ins and outs and
what she likes, what she does, So yeah, I did. It
was you could be loving for a sight, but you still have to get
to know the person to grow that love. Because if you just go and
if you love it for a sight, and then you just go right into
it is not going to last because then you're not going to really know the
person. You're just going by what you just saw. That's like if a
woman that's like somebody, anybody with a lot of money, and they see
them spending money, they I'm in love with them, and then with what
if they lose that money? Now do you Now you don't love them anymore
because they don't have money. That's why they said, like, you know,
you know, you know when somebody really loves you when you're down,
because it's easy to love people when you're up, when you're up and you're
you're up there and you got everything going right, or it's easy to love
somebody. But when it's when you're down and you need help or you you
know, you're in despair, or you're at your lowest point, you know,
and then that person can still love you, that's love. So that
would be my That was That's why I say it's in stages and it just
takes I think when when you do that, you should take it in stages.
You should take it in time. Don't just don't rush into things.
I think in today's world, people just rush into things and they don't take
the time to learn or to understand, or to talk or to communicate,
and then they just, you know, get to know each other, you
know where we're in talk. And I got married. She wanted kids right
away because I already had kids, and I said, no, we need
to get to know each other. We need to get to be around each
other. We need to see if we're compatible, you know. Like so
it was a couple of years we we got to know each other. We
got we did things. We went on trips, we went to New York,
we went to Bermuda, we did things like that to you know,
to just have time with each other, to grow in each other and get
to know each other's you know, and that love became stronger each day.
And I think that helped us as we went along into our marriage. Yeah,
because when I went bad or when I did the things I did,
and I was not the man or the husband I needed to be, my
wife knew she said, wait a minute, that's not the husband I know
because she saw the other part of me before I went into the other.
Does that make sense, Like she saw I know he could be different because
he showed me different. So maybe he's just gonna throw a un patch right
now. So I need to work with him, you know, to to
try to get that to God, to get that nigga really out of him
and get him back to the positive man that I saw him when we first
met. So it allowed him to If she just saw me negative right off
the back, she po would have left me. Yeah, so sorry,
I have so to be fitting off what m Petro was saying in terms of
love for you then and the idea that it came in stages of me.
Was it kind of was it love at first sight for you or was that
more of a much more gradual process to developed it developed over time? And
how did that develop for you over time? If that was the case.
Well, when I first saw Pedro, I was like, Wow, he's
very attractive, So I was I was instantly attracted to him. I didn't
know what the future hold. I just knew I wanted to get the more,
get to know him more, and I was like, I want to
get to know him and see what he's about. And I don't know about
anyone else, but for me, I was I don't know, it's women
just like this, but I already was thinking of the future, like oh,
we can you know, we can get married, you know, kids.
But then the mother side of me, I was afraid of what it
can bring because I never really have a serious relationship, you know, And
it was I really ready for love. I knew love can be a good
thing, you know, to fall in love and you're happy. But then
I know you can go through a period where you're not. You know,
you thought you was in love and it's not every it's not what you thought
it was. So I was taking my time getting to know Pedro. It's
plenty of times I broke up with him because I was like, I don't
know if I'm ready, because to be with a man that already know what
he wants was I was afraid of it. I really, i'mna be honest.
I was afraid because I was like, wow, you know what he
wants. He know, he wanted to be all in. I don't know
if I want that. I don't know if I'm ready, you know.
And I said, I know I can probably love him, but I was
afraid of it because I was like, what if he you know, he
feels his way, now what if it changes? You know, He's afraid
that go back to Max, wife. Yeah, but that was before.
That was later on in my marriage when I'm talking about the first beginning part
of it, So the first beginning part of it, he hadn't yet told
me he had been married before and had children. So I didn't know any
of that yet and not not when I first met you. But it wasn't
until like later when we talked on the phone and Peter was like, you
know, I asked him have you been married before? So I was asking
all the important questions. Have you been married before, have you been divorced,
you have children, you know, those type of questions, and he
was honest with me. He said, yes, I've been married before,
you know, twice before, I have children. And in my mind I
was like, whoa, you know, am I ready for that? And
so, you know, as time went on and I got to know Pedro,
I did love him more. I did. It's like, Wow,
he's he's everything I think he is. You know. Yeah, I mean,
let me not say if you got that one. But I was going
to say, well, I mean, you know it's a process that you
said, and I guess that you have to because I was gonna ask a
question. Then. Was there a point where you kind of moved from the
like stage to the love age. And I was asking that because you know,
again doing something for this and I know, I worked a magazine for
many years and you'd write these quizzes, so I'd come across the quiz you
know, how to tell how to know when you love someone? You know?
And it was asking a series of questions and you know, you kind
of pick your answers and it will come up with her. I mean,
out of the three things, you're either yes, you're in love with that
person after a good start, No, you're not really into them? What
have you? And it was things like, you know, you may think
about them all the time, or you know, you if you've got some
really good news, you want to share it with them. If you thought,
actually they are the one that you want to spend all your time with,
as opposed to you know, the question might have been, you know,
if you could go somewhere, who would you want to go with?
Would it be that person? If you were kind of and not so sure.
So again, there was all those kind of questions that made me think
and obviously, if you picked correctly, yes, it's means that you're in
love with that person and if you didn't pick some of the answers, No,
you weren't. It's all subjective. It's all a bit tongue in cheek,
really, but I guess was there a point in terms of evolving?
You know, there is a point they think, actually, do you love
this person? And how did you know that? How did you? People
told me he loved me. First I didn't. I was like, whoa
you do? How many week? Still be talking about two weeks? I
told you about my whole self? He told me. One thing I love
about Pedro is that whatever he was going on in his life before me,
he told me everything. And I think when he told me that, it
was so much information to the fact that I was like whoa, whoa,
Okay, I couldn't even promise. I think I was still processing everything he
told to me, and I was like, okay, I think I can
still you know, like this this guy you know? And we talked on
the phone for two weeks and he was like, I love you, and
I was like what he was about two three weeks? I was like,
you do? I was neki me. I think I broke up with you?
Then he did. I was like, I can't deal with this because
he loved me like I don't. She didn't understand the concept. It wasn't
that I was in love with you. I was. I was. I
was in lovely that I wanted to make it. I wanted to see where
it was going to go, right, Yeah, that was my love.
The love was not that because I couldn't be completely in love with you,
but I was in love with who you was and what I found out about
you, and then I wanted to go further. So I was just you
know, saying that I'm in love with you and I want to make this
go. I want to make this go further. I want to give you
what you want, what you want, because we had talked about different things
we want and don't want. So that was, you know, the whole
concept of me. I think for me, when I love growth, I'm
gonna just be honest here if we can be so, I think. I
think for me, if we didn't become intimate so early, I think I
probably could have. I think my love grew for that point when we became
more intimate with each other, which I don't think was good for me or
maybe even good for Pedro, because it didn't allow us to see what our
love was really going, you know what I mean, it was basing it
on. We already connected, you know what I'm saying, in a in
a way that we shouldn't have you know. So after we had went through
that process, and then we got married, like what in seven months?
Yeah, we got married in seven months and yeah, February actually actually was
actually in about three days, yeah, around Valentine's Day. Okay, okay,
yeah, so we met around Valentine's Day week, so we met in
February. We got married in October two thousand and five. So yeah,
it didn't take long. Okay, it's interesting as you were saying about that,
but you know, because I was kind of again having a look,
and there's there's been lots of obviously research done around sort of you know,
how you can tell the distinctions between liking and loving. And there's a guy
called Zick Rubin, and he's a psychologist, and he believed that romantic love
is made up for three elements attachment, caring, and intimacy. The attachment
needs to be with the other person desiring physical contact and approval. Caring valuing
the other person's happiness and needs as much as your own and then intimacy,
sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires, and from his view of romantic
love, he then kind of created questionnaires that measured the variables, basically creating
like a scale of liking and loving, and obviously, depending on where you
were on that scale could kind of determine where you are. So as you're
talking there, you're saying, you know, actually I loved you loved Tara,
but I guess it was aspects of her, and I guess maybe on
those scales, whether it's on the attachment, the intimate side, or the
caring side, whatever, the sort of levels were that for you, right
created a love feeling, emotion, et cetera, which I think is quite
interesting. There are other ways of looking at that, because I guess it
depends on whether it's passionate, infatuation, the level of friendship. Again,
there's different levels, so it's interesting what you might sort of base it on.
You know, how you got to that point, and I guess there's
I guess something like this. There's no right or wrong for the it's just
how people are very different. There's also Robert Stenberg's triangular theory of love,
where you know it's again built on all those different components and again depending on
where you sit within the scales or what have you as well. Right,
that's what I'm saying. It's definitely different. It's like in sections and you
need to, you know, go like okay. It's almost like a checklist.
You know, okay, okay, check and then check and then check
and get to you know, and then you get to the point of where
you know, okay, I'm there now. Yeah, you know, because
you can't just jump. You can't just jump over all the obstacles or jump
over all the different like you said, the three different he had, the
three different ones. It's like, do them in stages, do each one,
and then just build up each one, and then then that's when it
all comes together. Right, Because when our love was tested in our marriage
in the beginning, you know, I think if the love I truly have
you in my heart, if it wasn't there, I don't think we could
have survived. I just don't, you know. And I think when we
went through those times, through through periods of hard times, it was because
I loved you that I was like, you know what, I don't like
the situation, but you know what, I love him to stick through.
Writ you get what I'm saying, me too, I said, I said
for both of us. I'm not just saying for me. I'm just saying
it took both of us. It tay two people, you know what I
mean, not just one person. But I was particularly talking about me and
what I think and and I think when I when I truly realized that that
I love Pedro is when I was like, you know what, no matter
what I know, it don't look good, and I know everything is not
maybe going away. I think it should go, but you know it,
it's okay because we're gonna We're gonna make it through. I was trying to
see the brighter side of things, and I think love took me there.
Yeah, yeah, okay, kind of pulled that on the music here.
Our songs today canna have a bit of a love theme. So this one's
actually a bit of a medley by God's Chosen. It mix us a few
songs that you may recognize. So let's have a listen. God's Chosen and
love medley A word that you be boryly No borryly s really, but I
don't know. Oh your tears, my fairy. I'm so glad You're love
will stay car line lovely and you show me Jesus, I love you,
have love you Lord today because you cared for me inside space and guide paid
you. I left your bede magnified your name. That is why my heart
isn't with my hands and told loved shut down. Show you you on the
roll, for you are coming not all because of you, my clowny day
a paw, and I can say to you this song I just saw the
same b long you b my my mind, my son, so you okay
the bride for me way back on capri Ye your name. That's why I'm
it's been with birds love me in your U house a son the storm my
friends. I love you. I know. I just fall away and I
said you love me? Wait she loved you love me. I'll never know
why you love me. I'm supping to try you. I'm got tell st
to tell you and I wanted you. I know how I'm trying to find
you. Say you show tell Jamel s give me so the boy can say
that you susy help me. I love bed Lee from God's chosen so big
several songs and I'm sure you're familiar with but it started off by saying love
a word that comes and goes, but a few people really know what it
means to really love somebody. And today we're talking about love here on Talking
Point. If you've got any thoughts on love, you've got any definitions of
what love means to you, what you think about what it's about. Is
love important? Please do share your thoughts with us. You can email us
on studio at Adventist Radio dot London, or you can text us on eight
triple two eight write hope and then your message. We can whatsappers on seven
four five nine six four two eight nine eight. So we're here on Talking
Points and I'm here with Pedro w and Tara, the founders of their podcast.
Yeah, oh my goodness. It was like, come on, Agley,
you know this, you know this, And we've been talking about love
and we've been talking a bit, a little bit about what our definition is,
what we think love means to us, and how love has played a
part in their relationship and in relationships in and we were just talking before that
music break there in terms of you know, love being a process. There
are different types of love. We touched a little bit about the four types
of love that are mentioned in the Bible, and how that you know and
also how love I guess you love is a developing thing. As much as
you may see someone and you think, oh, I love that person,
maybe it's a really intense feeling of li like it goes past that you know
you likes what you see, or you start to get to know somebody,
and then you gradually your feelings deepen, you get to know them, etcetera.
And then at some point you recognize that you are love now, as
a song says, sometimes you never really know what it means to love somebody.
But as this song went on to talk about, really the foundation of
all of this is God is love. And Tara, when you were describing
what love meant to you, you did mention a few things and really kind
of brought to mind, really quoting some of the bits from one Corinthians thirteen,
which is I suppose you could always say it's probably there are lots of
the Bible texts in the Bible talking about love. God is love, you
know throughout, but also this is the way of love, and you know
it starts to say, love is patient and kind, love does not envy
your boast it's not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own
way. It's not irritable resentance. But love bears all things, believes all
things, hopes, all things, enduels all things. Love never ends.
Yes. So that's first crinteen's thirteen and one to thirteen, and it ends
by saying, you know, faith, hope, and love abide these three.
But the greatest of all these is love. So love plays a huge
part and ultimately is And as we've the song talked about at the end,
you know, the greatest sacrifice and love, the greatest love that God has
shown to us is sending his son Jesus to sacrifice him and he gave his
life for us. So in terms with all of with that kind of mean,
I've sort of that's a really very brief snippet of love that's shared with
us in the Bible and God's love. How does your spiritual life and knowing
about God's love of play a part in the way love, what love means
for you, and how love features in your relationship as well. I was
so when you're saying all that, I thought of the other verse project it
lose me at the moment don't be unequally yoke. Okay, I don't necessarily
think that means like you have to be the same religion. As I said
earlier tar War's Baptists, I was a ventist. I think our spiritual proud
both of us being spiritual and the fact that we both believed in God.
We believe in God first and everything, prayer, worship and everything. I
think that helped us growing our love because we because we knew that Jesus had
came down to die for us and God had sent his son, So we
understood that sometimes sacrifice is needed, is needed and important for the love.
So you would do things out of love that you on it. You know
that you may not want to do so when you're in a marriage or in
any in any relationship with that being being like minded. You can't be in
love with somebody that you don't think alike in some way. In some ways,
you have to think alike in some way. You have to because you
is you know, they say all the vinegar, but you could be all
the vinegar in a sense, but you can't. You can't be totally different
mindsets and be in love because it's just not gonna work, right, It's
like it's like trying to put a wheen they say a peg, a square
peg in a in a round hole. It's just not gonna fit, you
know, it's just gonna keep you just gonna keep knocking your head against the
wall, you know. So spiritually for us was that even though we still
had to work through that part of our relationship, the fact we still love
the Lord, it really helped us to build. And I actually, believe
it or not, I wasn't really in the church when I met Tar.
I grew up in the church. I kind of left and taras actually my
main reason why I came back into the church because she showed me that I
you know that I maybe maybe because my past, maybe because of my situations.
I was kind of mad at God, you know, because we do.
We get mad at God sometimes, you know, we get mad,
we get upset, you know, we fall out of love sometimes with God,
you know, and we try to do our own thing, you know,
we we you know, we get off that beating path. And when
I met Tar, she kind of reeled me back in, even though I
was going to church on Sunday. It was weird. It kind of made
me remember what I what I grew up remembering and said, Okay, you
know, I need to get back to what I was brought up, you
know what I was taught, you know, and her love for God brought
me back to love the Lord and brought me back into into being more religious
and more being ahead of the household and just being more you know, in
in in tune with God and stuff. Because, like I said, because
even though it was just the fact, the spiritual part of me was definitely
lacking at that moment when we first met, I can definitely say that for
a fact, and being spiritual with your spouse really does help. And I
remember, I remember when we I remember when we went to his name is
eluding at the moment. Oh, doctor Alonzo Smith, and he was doing
a cinema, a cinema and cinema. He was doing a program in Bermuda,
and we went to talk to him in the first day. Well either
way, the first thing he said when we sat down was he said,
pick a religion. He said, I don't care if it's Baptist, I
don't care if it's a Ventist, but you both need to be on the
same page. And that's when Todd said that she wants to be a ventist.
I tell that story at the time, but it just because he said
that's where you could base your whole marriage going forward. If you both like
minded, if you're both in the same if you're both thinking the same,
then you wouldn't have no issues going forward with the rest of your marriage.
Because it's like if you're Baptist and your and then you're like, should be
baptizing and should be not baptized? Our children should we you know, if
they won't be baptized, you know, And so he was giving us all
the different scenarios and stuff, and we was like, wow, okay,
that makes sense. So spiritual, I think the spiritual aspect of a marriage
or relationship just going forward in terms of building that love is probably one of
the first things that needs to be addressed and figured it out before you even
go forward more into loving somebody or being married to somebody. I totally agree,
because it will separate you to if one person is thinking one way and
the other one is another way and you're not coming together. It can cause
a separation in a way because because you're just not going to be in you
know, because you believe strongly in what you believe, and he was strongly
what he believed. How you guys are going to come together, especially if
you start having children. You don't want to confuse your household and then have
your chouds to a daddy believe this or mama believed this, and then children
like what should we believe? You know, it is just like being with
an unbeliever, you know, should we believe in God? Mama believe in
God? Or Daddy I don't believe in God. So it's import important to
make sure you guys decide on what would be best for you and for me.
I prayed about it, even though I have been Baptists all my life.
I said, well, he do believe in God. I believe in
God. But as I learned more about the events and it, but the
seventh Day that really make it really open up my eyes more and it was
like wow, like I didn't you know, I didn't know this. You
know, as I and as Petern't never pushed me or pressured me to become
inventorsts. He accepted me for who I was. He went to church with
me and he you know, I sang at church and he was there.
And when he went to church on Saturday. I went, so I was
open into learning his his what he believed in in the sense of the Sabbath,
because you know, some people need the Sabbath is Sunday. So I
wasn't close to it. So as I as I learned it, as God
started opening my eyes more, you know, I was like, Wow,
you know, I'm glad. I you know know what I know. That's
why when I made my decision two when pastor and Pastor asked us when we
were because he was a family he do family and a life series. So
when he talked to us and counsel us, I was I was happy.
I was like, yes, I want to be because I knew how important
it was. I didn't want that to be a separation and I in our
marriage that kept us apart. Yeah, and I guess you know for what
you're saying then sort of the spiritual and I your love for God. I
mean we say, you know this isn't John first John four, verse sixteen
where it says you know God is it said that God is love? So
God is love? And I wait to sort of show that is the foundation
really for everything that you will then do go moving forward, and how you
may express your love for each other, for your family, the unit that
you were creating and pedro you talked about, then you're I suppose between the
two of you your roles within that as well, and I guess from the
spiritual side, Gods and She's have there are many examples of what he did
which will kind of shape how you will be in your household, being the
leader, being the provider, et cetera. To showing the care the love
you know for each other and for your family. If that wasn't there,
do you think your your love for it each other would be very different?
And yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it would definitely be
different. I'm sorry I was listening to but then I was also thinking,
but yeah it would because along with the along with me loving my wife as
God learning it through God, learning how God loved us and then taught me
how to love my wife, it also like I may be the head of
household, but my wife is like my right hand man, like she's my
helper she and I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that
she helps me make decisions that because not every decision I make is going to
be the right decision. So I've come to realize, and I realized from
her early in our marriage that you know, to depend on my wife and
in the wisdom or experience that she may have. And then sometimes I would
veto, I would veto something she says, be like, no, no,
I'm telling you from experience, this is not going to work. Let's
do it this way, you know. So it's just learning that that and
telling her how to love. Look, I love you, but I just
don't think this is a good idea, you know, and then her accepting,
Okay, he really does love me. He's thinking of the best for
me, because you know it, sometimes you may have to make the decision
as the husband and the wife doesn't agree at all. She thinks she knows
better. But you're like, look, then you have to, and then
you then you use that I'm the head of the household, so it's my
decision to make. And she's like, you know, she wants to smack
me. She's like, I can't believe you said that. But I'm not
trying to like I'm not trying to like use my authority or say I'm better
than you. I'm just saying, you know, you have to trust me,
you know, because as I said earlier in the beginning. You know,
sometimes my love for my family, I have to be willing to take
take the responsibility of what may go wrong or may go right, and I
put it all on my shoulders. I don't want it to be on your
shoulders. I don't want you to be burden with that, you know,
with that decision or if it works or not. So it's my place to
take the burden and take all that pressure from you and the family. Put
it all on my shoulders. I can handle it. And that's my love
that I have for you. So I think that's like you said, that's
one way it does. Another way of showing lover is by being willing to
just take it, you know, to do what you gotta do and be
responsible for whatever happens. I think for me, learn the wife, learning
my position, respecting my husbands as my husband, leading, you know what
I mean, knowing you know, not trying to take over you know what
I mean, and be like I know everything, you know nothing. So
I definitely had to And I think I saw that because I saw that in
my mom and my father, seeing how my father just he just did everything
he had to do, you know, and my mother. He made a
decision, and that's what happened. Now, if they agreed on some things,
they didn't agree on some things. We didn't see it, you know
what I mean. They talked about it, but I always saw my daddy
leading. I always saw my father, you know, doing what he had
to do. And that's why I always respected Pedro being in that role of
being my husband and making decisions. Even though I may not always liked it,
I knew if he did something, it's because he was in the best
interest of our family. So it's just I think respecting your husband's role and
knowing your position is important, you know what I mean, because you loved
enough to let them lead. But I also have to respect you too.
Yeah, so it goes both ways. Yeah, And I guess you know
the kind of when we think about God's love for us, his grace and
his mercy, I guess you know. Relationships are not easy. Marriage is
not always easy. Some of those aspects need to come into that about it.
God gives that. God gives us that. He says, this is
what you should do. Yes, So it's the same thing as a husband,
this is what we should do. You do this, I will be
responsible for what happens. Yeah, he tells us like, you know,
I will lead you down the path of righteousness. I will, you know,
protect you from the evil I would do, you know. So he
does that for us. He says, you know, I'm going to if
you follow what I'm telling you, this is what this is what will happen
if you But it's still your choice. If you choose not to do it,
you want to go your own way, then this is what's going to
happen. So he gives us like the blueprint in the Bible, he gives
us the guide. And you know, as as sin for people, we
sometimes go off that guy and then we find out I should have listened to
God. It's the same concept in a marriage. And I know some women
don't like to hear that. And it's not about me being chauvinistic, using
like using my being masculine. It's not about that. It's about that,
you know. It's a it's a way God has has made a plan for
us, and you know and there that we need to follow that plan some
when we go if in my marriage, in our marriage, if I say
let's go do this and then my wife goes behind my back, and does
it her way and it totally messes up everything. Now I gotta go behind
it and fix it. And I'll go behind it and fix it. But
I won't hold it again. I'll just be like, look, let's and
learn. Please next time, don't do that. You know, that's how
God does us. He said, we do that. He said, here's
the plan. We go do it our own way. Messes up, he
still helps us, he still forgives us, he helps, He helps us
to get through what we need to get through. He said, Okay,
well you messed up the first time. Let's try the second time. Let's
try the third time. You know, is a learning process each day,
each each year, each whatever throughout the marriage, where you just learned that
you know, to be there for each other and to listen more than anything
else where. We talked about last week, communicating and just you know,
understanding where the person is at and understanding why. And I won't I won't
make a decision. I won't be just. I won't say just like,
we're just doing it because I want to do it that way. I would
explain this is why I want to do it this way, because I feel
this is what will happened. God does that with us. He says,
if you do it this way, this is what will happened. So he's
given as the blueprint, and that's and so we're tall. I would explain
myself, I think we should do it this way because X, Y Z,
you know, and then go from there. I won't just be like,
oh, just do it because I said so, because that's not gonna
work either. She's gonna be like no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait wait why Because you know, women definitely want to know why
a lot of times, or they want to like, if something happens,
they want to know why did it happen? You know, like, why
did this happen? What was the reason? What was your thinking? I
wasn't thinking anything, but what was you thinking? You know, it's just
a normal it's a normal process, you know. Yeah, you're laughing because
you know it's true. You always want to know. I don't know what
it is about women. They always want to know why. And I'm like,
because it just happened that way, But no, you gotta we gotta
figure out who's the blame and who's the reason why it happened that way.
Sometimes it just happens that way. Well, sometimes we have to seek these
things out, we have to understand, we have to explore. So yeah,
I'm with all those question. You don't know why I won't call it
for what it is, and I may get some slack, but there you're
pokey. You just gotta know. Being is showing a way of loving your
speuse, especially for both sides, for both sides. But I think,
you know, for me being submissive to you and just allowing you to do
certain things without feeling like I have to. You know, this is my
way or no way, you know, type of thing. So I tried.
I really, I don't think I've ever been that way though. It's
my way of the highway type of thing. Yeah you have h Yeah,
you know, I'm not gonna lie about that. But then I guess that's
all part of the getting to know, because I was going to be nice
into my next question. You know, there are so many different ways to
show love to each other and to people. But what kind of are some
of the ways that you can show that you do love someone that you deeply
care about? I mean, what kind of things will you have to kind
of consider? You've mentioned a few things already, but because I thought about
this question I had. I was gonna say, sometimes just let things happen,
you know what I mean, Let things happen and see what's going and
see what happens, you know what I mean. That's what I for me.
I so like we have Valentine's Day coming up. I don't believe in
Valentine's Day. I wasn't looking for no, no, no, no,
I don't believe in like I think Valentine's Day not It's not that Valentine's They
could be every day, But like you said earlier, it's no commercialized.
I just don't believe in even you know, if showing my showing my love
for my wife doesn't I don't even go buy a big box of chocolate and
a bouquet of flowers and and a Teddy Bear to show my love for my
wife. Me getting up every morning, going to work, providing, making
sure if she says, hey, can you pick this up from the store,
me getting it from the store, me making sure it's everything, making
sure there's food in the house, making sure there's heat in the house,
making sure there's light in the house. I know that sounds weird, and
I know people are gonna be like, but you know, that's that's stuff
that you're supposed to provide. Yes, it's you're supposed to provide, but
I still have to want to do it. I don't have to provide if
I don't want to. So there's love involved in that. I don't have
to you know, if I don't want to provide it, I don't have
to really provide it, you know, so that that love is just the
little thing, just don't I've never been a what's the word. I've never
been an affectionate person. I've never been an affectionate person. I will tell
you this. But the way, because my the way I showed affection was
different. I showed my my affection by just making sure that she had everything
she needed. That was my way of showing affection. That was my love
language. My love language was not that of I spoke it. Okay,
we're going to we're gonna come to that in a second. Yeah, so
yeah, I'm kind of jumping ahead. I'm sorry, that's okay. I
just of the ways that you can show love for each other, which again
that's going to be subjective, unique to every person, every couple, every
relationship. I kind of went off the thing that I said about that,
Yeah, you know for me because I am, well, I'm that's kind
of going to heat into the love language. But for me, I just
can go sit by Pedro or just fixing something to eat because I like to
fix some stuff to eat, you know. I like to just do stuff
for him. You know, they're just me and showing just just it's just
it ain't about the big thing. It ain't about me going to buy him
something and be like, oh I love you, because that's just not me.
I just like to just sit here and talk to him and just look
at him in his face and just be like, hey Pedro, And I
don't like that's why you're face alone. Yeah, my space is get out
my space. When I say that too, especially when I get home,
I'm not trying to talk to nobody. When I get home after driving around,
I'm like, get out my face. My girls are like that too,
They want to come huggle me, and I'm like, and then I
realized they got a little bit more time left side. But it'll enjoy this
because when they get old, they're gonna be like hey dad and walk right
buy me. So exactly exactly, I kind of sucked that one up,
but I guess it's no sick to me. You know, that kind of
willingness. And we've talked a little bit about this as well. We talked
I think they mentioned this when we were communication last week. You know,
be willing to be vulnerable with each other. You know that can sort of
show you know, the caring respects, what have you. If there are
challenges, be willing to forgive that. I know that can sometimes be a
really difficult one. But if you do love somebody, you've got to be
able to sometimes step back, be the humble one, be the one to
say sorry, be the one to kind of says or even ask us to
ask for forgiveness. You know, you just said, ANGELI I thought or
something too. You know. Sometimes and love sometimes you have to. And
God does this for us too, because we always talk about God. Sometimes
you have to step back and let them just do it and learn. Yes,
yeah, yeah, Sometimes I don't even argue with my wife. My
wife wants to do this. I'm like, ain't gonna work, and she's
so adamant. I said, okay, and I just stepped back and I
just wait to see what happens. And then if it works out, okay,
it worked out. But if it don't work out, okay, let's
fix it. So sometimes you have to love us also knowing when to to
just okay, like you said, step back and just let everything is run
its course, because you know it. There's not always about, you know,
trying to be right. I'm not always trying to be right to my
wife. Yeah, what's actually what you said that? And something you said
about the beginning? And I guess in a scenario like that is having each
you better to say this was it something else I was listening to. When
you have each other's back and you know you can rely on each other,
so you maybe to step back and things may go horribly wrong. But if
you're going to love somebody, hopefully you're not going to be like ha ha
I told you. So you're going to be there to say, you know,
well, and you may do everybody's human what have you, but you
will be there to help them pick up the pieces if you need to,
or to come up with another solution and what have you. And you know,
the other person may be like, you know what, you were right
and I can kind of recognize that now, but that again, that's your
the level of your commitments, love, et cetera. For each other.
You know so right and always thinkings when you're going through there and you may
be right or wrong. It's I think for me, if PE don't like
I told you so, it'll make me feel some way. You know what
I'm saying. I say, don't don't don't kill it. You know,
make sure you have your spouse. Always feel like you're there no matter what.
Don't make them feel bad or feel stupid in some way. Always just
be like, you know what didn't work out. But just to throw it
in their face. That's not showing love. Yes, yeah, that's showing
that you didn't know what you was doing. You're not in control or anything.
If you just did it my way, it would happen because I have
done this. So you're saying that you feel so if you say you come
to me and I'm like, that's not gonna work, but we could do
it. Is that throwing it in your face as I tell you I told
you so. When it doesn't work, I mean it doesn't work. You're
just saying, you know what didn't work. Let's just try to say,
but I don't think this is gonna work. But you do it. But
I'm saying, if it don't work, and you do it in a way
of you're making a person feel bad or making them feel low, that's not
that's not showing love. You know what I'm saying. You pretty much just
thrown it in a base and that can cause issues in a marriage because now,
especially because I know I hold onto stuff, So if you was to
do that, I'd be like, you remember the time you did that.
You made me feel like nothing, But you say you love me, you
know what I'm saying. So no matter, God don't have let us feel
like that. You know, God, no matter how much stupid mistakes we
make, he don't come to and make us feel like we nothing. He
said, you know what, It's okay, you know, we get back
up again, you know what I'm saying. And I think that's the same
thing we have to display in our marriages and our relationship and compassion whether it
looked good so you or not. And that can be that seems to be
sometimes very very tricky because nobody wants to I don't know. Sometimes it could
be I don't know if this is a power thing or just the kind of
confidence thing I don't necessarily what that is. But sometimes you see that relationships
and it's like, you know, one person somehow wants to prove that they're
better than the other. They know all the knowledge, they know everything,
et cetera, and there is a sort of power of balance. You just
say, well, you what that kind of mutual kind of respect for each
other. It's a sharing, caring, learning experience. And as she said,
God would never do that. God doesn't do that for us. To
us, He's never going to do that. And if we're following him,
that's surely that's going completely the wrong way, completely, you know, of
what he would want us to do. So yeah, so that's that's yeah,
And it's a tricky one because you know, it is sometimes I don't
think about that in relationships. Some people just like to stay in control,
and you know, and I think it's no control in marriage. I think
it needs to be balanced. I think we only need to know our position
and respect each other's position, and that way you can grow and your love
to grow, and nobody can feel less than the next one. Yeah,
And do you think that in terms of relation a marriage, relationships, your
love should be unconditional? Oh, definitely, without unconditional love, especially the
bad times you done. Yeah. Yeah, because you have to be unconditional
because you have to love them no matter what whatever happens, you have you
you some people will love you right and as long as long as the conditions
are to what they want. But when the conditions are not what you want,
then then it becomes unconditional love. So yeah, love is unconditional.
Yeah. I think some people love you, but they have a line.
They be like, you know what, you don't reach my point, I
can't do it, just no more. But if you have addition too much
weight, Yeah, I'm gonna leave you if you if I just tell you
the time, if you go like to one twenty, I'm leaving you.
She'd be like, I want to get down. I want to lose weight.
And I'm like, what, just don't go too low? Like I
don't mind, but you knoway, you know, stay at a certain level.
You know, but I'm lying that, you know. I think I
think we love. We got to be able to see the changes in each
other, because you're not going to be accept the change. You're not You're
not going to be the same you was when you first met. You're going
to change, You're gonna have kids. If you have kids, you're gonna
look different, You're gonna get old, you're gonna get great. Here,
all of these things are going to happen. Is your love still going to
be unconditional? Or is it there? You to reach yourline? Because I
don't like how things are going, you know, and people want to be
done and out of the marriage. Okay, good point to pause it there
for music, And I'm going to come back to this because I want to
know sort of Okay, how can you do that? Then? So I'm
going to go with chat called love theory by Kurt Franklin, because I guess
there may be some theories as to how we can do that segued into that
one. So let's take a listen and we'll come back after this to find
out how we can kind of how I love and how we can maintain our
love through our relationships to that marriage. Brothers and sisters. I want to
welcome you back to life, back to the one. They can make your
next chapter your best chapter. How can it be that you love the most?
I love all? O? How can you see your life wasting?
Legging? Funny? Two big great in some face with you, a wiry
everything. He can pull my away. Come on, he said, that's
as it's my funny. That's why so many of you. I don't wanna
love nobody of you. I don't wanna love nobody, love nobody you.
Let's go. Are you one the massic price of Julie. You cover me.
I appreciate it a mission. It's amazing, taltatious with big. I
feel that you don't give me, help me healthy, say thank you,
thank you, everything's forget my good. Let me tell you what it does,
he says, and you will hallelujah. That's not fuss. Not feel
super hum enough like this and the promise you that's what nove you. I
don't want to know you. Yes, I don't want to know about it.
Nobody you a stone over you, that's right. I don't want no
body, no body, And the church saying, come on, Jesus loving
you. It sounds crazy, don't it. Hey? Let me tell you
what it means. That's why I want to love. No. I don't
want to love no. I don't want to love nobody nobody, But I
really mean at this time Jesus, no, no, let me tell you
when it goes. Come on people, let you down like see, I
will never know I love like forever on the day. Let me again.
So cood, what the rest of my life? Thank you everybody? You
love no body. Thank you. You're the savior nobody, Thank you.
I don't want to love nobody. I don't want to love nobody, love
nobody but you. That's right. Want I love nobody, love nobody,
but you so kept Franklin love theory. So Ye're here on Talking Point and
Advantage Radio London and we're talking about love and love and relationships and love and
marriage. I'm here with Pedro, my co host and his wife Tara from
their podcast Hear My Marriage, and we're talking about love and different aspects of
love and how love can play a part within our relationships. And we've you
know, we've talked about the different types of love. God being the center
and God is love and God in the center and that being the Baines foundation.
But how can we now relationships? And I'm saying that for my own
personal experience. I'm not married and not being married, but I know it
can be challenged, it can be challenging just kind of and I say relational
connections with people sometimes coming in challengecause you're alway gonna say eye to eye,
but how do you But as we're talking about love and love within our relationships
and that marriage is how can we how do we cultivate that love? How
do we maintain that? How do we keep that going? How does that
sort of play in our sort of day to day, day to day lives.
I guess I would say to keep the love going, it's to do
do little small things together, you know, go like have date night with
each other. That's showing another way of love because you want to you spend
your time with that person. You're giving them that time. You you're giving
time to connect with one another and you're putting away everything else. Work,
children, orever is taking you away from your spouse. You you you,
That's how your love grow because you spending time with one another, you know,
and when you don't spend time with your spouse, it they feel neglected.
Nobody want to feel neglected, and I want nobody want to feel you're
putting everything before them. And then that's that's including your children. Even though
your children is a blessing from God. And I think it's important to know
that our children have their time, and then mommy and daddy have their time,
you know. You know, I think it's important that spouses spend time
together because if you start getting disconnected, you can get it from somewhere else,
you know, and then that's you got another issue. So I think
spending time together is important. Date night talking to each other, complimenting each
other, Oh you look nice today, or you look beautiful, or thank
you for this, and you know, I would like I like computers that
thank you for cooking dinner tonight. You know, I appreciate that. That
made me feel appreciated. It made me feel like I'm doing something and to
make him happy, you know, and so I'm really you know, I
think it's important for us to show that, to show that in love in
those small things, because they're showing that you care. Yeah, so what
you just said, I was gonna just when we first got married, we
had the kids. She didn't trust nobody with the kids, so date night
was not an option. So what we did was once the kids went to
bed, then we wouldn't go straight to bed. We would actually sit in
the living room and talk for like an hour and just talk about what the
day, talk about whatever you need to talk about, just talk. Even
if we just laughed and joked around and just talk, we just and that
allowed us to connect with each other every evening before we went to bed.
And then I'm a night out, so sometimes she'll go to bed before me,
but before that, we'd still would have that, just have that hour
or two where we just sit talking, and it just made a difference in
our relationship because it just kept us connected to each other. As she said,
you know, you got to support each other. Like Ta wants to
do a couple of things, and I'll just buy if she's like, I
want to make something, and I'll go on Amazon and I'll look up whatever
she was talking about, and next thing she would just it would just show
up at the house and she's like, oh okay, well she could see
the Amazon account too, so she surely knew I got it. She's like,
I didn't tell you I wanted it. I'm like, well, you
said you wanted to do it, so try it. Like support and everything
she want. Like like I always say, I always say, Tatar,
you know, you don't know unless you don't try. I'm a firm believer
of that. So if you want to try something. Try it. You're
gonna you're either gonna fail or you're not gonna fail. But try it.
If you don't, if you don't do it, how do you know if
you're gonna like it, orf you're gonna fail or not fail. So try
it. So I think that's one way that you can build up your your
marriages by just always being there or supportive of your of your of your spouse,
making sure that everything you do, you know, like she said,
show that appreciation. Thank you for taking care of the kids. I know
that sounds silly, but I do say that to her, like I think
the other night I actually said it to her. I was like, you
know, I just want to just thank you for you know, watching the
kids and making sure they being in the house, making sure the house is
clean when I come home, you know, just making sure I have foo
when I come home, you know, just call you know, just because
Actually I did do that. Because see even in our marriage, she had
went a couple of weeks but she wasn't calling me. She used she would
call me and say, hey, you know, are you hungry? You
know, and I was getting home and she was letting kids eat all the
food and I was like, yo, what's up, Like how you gonna
have the kids? Like do you want to? I think you just buying
something outside them? Like, well, you didn't call me. She's like,
well, you know, I haven't been calling. So even and even
in marriages, sometimes the communication breaks down and you have to then be like,
hey, we used to do this this way. Can we continue to
do it this way? Oh? I'm sorry, because you don't subconsciously,
you get busy at doing stuff, you don't realize that you don't communicate the
same way every time. So you have to make sure you keep that going.
And then like a couple of days, I said, I really do
appreciate what you do for me and the kids, and you know, so
it's just just a simple things. It's just saying thank you, just saying
I appreciate you, just saying you know, I love what I love what
you're done with the place, I love what you're done with the corner,
I love what you're done with the you know, whatever, with whatever it
is. You know, it's just always big, big in each other,
just being there for each other, just helping each other. When you do
that, What does that mean to what does that mean to? Each What
does that mean to you? What does that mean to each other? Kind
of thing? But you know, how does that make you feel? What's
that? What does that mean to you? And Petro the same thing?
How does that? Why is that important to do that? How it feels?
It made me feel like, Wow, he really appreciated, he really
sees, he really actually see what I'm doing. You know, he's just
not walking in the house and just being abeariful to stop saying the rest of
the word for he's not. Yeah, he's not. He's noticing what I'm
doing right, and that that means something to me because I know you see,
you see what you see them that I'm making sure the house is being
clean. You're not thinking of me of some type of slave where you better
have it done, you better have my food ready. You know this type
of thing. You know, he don't demand those things from me, and
I because I love him, I want to do it. You know,
I want to make sure my house is clean, I want to make sure
my husband eat, I want to make sure my children is seen about.
And that makes me feel good. You know what I productive, you know,
and even better, yet doesn't make it feel better. So sometimes I'm
home and she's tired to to deal with the kids. She's had to go
to an event for the children to do something, and I see she's tired.
I go and make my own food. We actually argue it is We
actually argue if I could for me making my own food. I'm like,
ta, I have two hands and two feet. I can go in the
kitchen and make my own plate. Now I'm making for you, Tar sit
and be still. I can go and make my own plate like she.
We actually argue. The kids will sitting there laughing that it's like, mom,
just let me make his own plate. Walk with you, like she
gets upset because she wants to show. She wants to show you know that.
And I'm like, I already know you love me. I know that
I got it. But I can do it. I can do it sometimes
and sometimes if i'm if i'm making, if I cook, which is rare
but nothing much as I do, I'll make the plates and I and I
bring a plate to her. So it's just, you know, showing that
appreciation. Just little things. People think it's gotta be big things and money
and and your fame, and it's not. It's just the little things.
Just little bits and pieces head just I thank you, I love you.
You know, call how you're doing today? How is your day? You
know when you get home, how you day? How is your evening with
each other at the end of the night, you know, how was your
day? You know there's anything that you know interesting happened? Was anything that
I may have done? You know, we ask each other, you know,
it's anything that I may have done that irritated you. You know she
already knows so she did, but she likes to ask me. I mean,
she irritated me that day. She irritated me that day. She wants
to know, you know, how how much did it irritate me? And
even sometimes then, you know, sometimes we ask each other like how much
did I really irritate you? Like were you really upset or were you not
upset? Because I think sometimes you know, you say something and you think
the person is irritated, but that not, and so you have to kind
of gauge, you know, like that really irritate you by saying that,
like that I really upset? Like did you really have to get so upset
that I said it that way? You know? And then I say,
no, not really, but you could have said it this way, Okay,
next time, I'll try to do it that way. So it's all
about communication, and that's just the love that we have for each other.
Like where we just tried to and tru me. We're still working. We
still every day. Yeah, we still work in progress. We're not perfect
at all. We still have our disagreement, you know, we we I
think before we started, we got into a little tiff because the light was
too bright and I said, Tar, turned down the light. It's too
dark, And I'm like, ah, isn't it like can we both like
have a decision in this making Like can I? Can I also make a
decision in this Can we turn down the light? You know? So it's
just about and she's like, all right, fine, we could turn down
the light and she's like, you know, it's actually a little better.
So it's just compromising. And that's the love that you know that you showed.
You just listening and as you was saying about that there's maybe coming,
I was one my next sort of thought. And again this is probably you
know, getting the subjective. I'm sure there's lots of views around it,
but there's a concept of the love languages and it was kind of first published
in a book by author and pastor Gary Chapman. The book called The Five
Love Languages, and he basically he sort of wrote this after kind of noticing
that there were patterns within couples that he was counseling, and sometimes it was
really kind of some of the challenges that were coming up because couples was misunderstanding
each other's needs and then recognizing that there are different ways. And of course
we know there are different ways that you can express and show your love,
but he was noticing kind of five key main categories, so words of performation,
quality, time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
And it's just a kind of way, you know, And it's sort
of saying that actually, when you start to know you're partners love language,
you can kind of let them know, let them know meeting that sort of
way, let them know in that way that then shows them how much you
do appreciate your care and love for them, and in turn that the partner
would feel love appreciated and what have you. So what's your thoughts on this
kind of concept of love languages. Do you think that is a thing?
Do you recognize your is that something you've looked at. He's put together like
you. It's got the book you put together like a quiz that you can
kind of do or questionnaire to find out which those love languages are. So
yeah, what's your thoughts on love languages? My My love languages are expe
and physical touch. I like to you know, hug, I like to
kids. I'd like to do those things, you know. That's what I
like. And I like when PG just randomly buy me stuff, even though
if I may have looked at it and you just come with it all the
surprise. I like it. You know, That's what I like, you
know, and it makes me happy. It makes me realize that he noticed,
he know, he know my needs. He tried to get what I
need and he always get it right, you know what I'm saying, And
not just I don't know what else to say about it about that, but
with the affectionate part, Pedro has got a better which because I am on
an affectionate person because my parents always hug me and kids be and gave me
a hug and I always just always used to that and when I Pedro now
does that, so I really that really makes me happy too, because now
He'll just come and give me a hug and I'll be like, oh,
you gave me a hug, you know type of thing, and it just
makes me smile inside, you know. So that's definitely my two love language
is that I love Yeah, what about South Petri for me? When I
do that, I ask you like, A uh, It's just I was
a board up that way, So I had to work. I had to
work that and learned that my love language would be more, like you said,
probably the touch. Like if I just sit, like Tala has a
habit of like sit down and she'd like give me a feet and she would
just start rubbing him, you know. And that's that's my love you know,
that's my love language, physical touch. I think when anything just for
me, my for me. Tala's my love language is that Tala's always thinking
about me. Are you okay? How is your day? Can I make
you something to eat? Can? I? Like? She's always trying to
like wait on me and I in a way, I don't like that,
but I know that's her learning language. She wants to just make sure that
I'm taken care of because she's like, well, I'm taking care of her
in a way, by going to work. So when he gets home,
no matter how tight I am, I'm still gonna check on him and make
sure he's okay. And it does make me feel It just makes me feel
good that she's always thinking about me. You help me, you help me.
I don't like the worst serve, but I mean I understand the word
serve. No, no, I get the worst serve. I'm just saying
I get the worst serve. I just I just think that we I like
to think of it as with just we're serving each other in different ways,
but we're also helping each other in different ways. I just like that word.
I like, you can't you say serve. People get all offended,
like, oh you're not why you you're not his servant And you don't mean
like a servant. It just means you just want to make sure that I
have everything I need. So like and like if she likes certain things from
a certain store, I will go get it from the store, like banana
from a certain place, and she likes apples from another. I go to
both places. I won't just say look here's the apple, says bananas,
I got it one, you know, eat? But my my my love
language more than that. That's pretty much it. It don't take much for
me. It don't take much for me because I really am a very simple
and perpose plain person. You know. I'm just a meet up potatoes and
to say, meet a potatoes kind of guy. So just that alone,
it makes me feel bad sometimes because I don't know her feet as much,
and she said they develop over time, so you know, you know.
I always like to ask peg he's doing, because I think it's important to
know what we our spouses are, what they mental, you know. So
I'm always like, are you sure you're okay? Like what's on your mind?
Sometimes I like to sit there and just look at him and be like,
what's on your mind? Like what's going on in there? You know?
And he like nothing, leave me alone. I was like, I
really want to know, you know, like what's going on with you?
Like have something you know bothered you this week that that really you know,
tested your faith or something like what's up? You know? And because not
all the time we share everything with our spouses, sometimes we keep thinking to
the best, No, I don't think it's that either. I think sometimes
no, no, I'm saying, sometimes I may keep something from you because
I just kind of goes out of my brain, like I just it happened,
and I'm like okay, and I kind of just dismiss it, and
then you may bring and then I'm like, oh wait, did this happen?
Did this happen? I think sometimes we because I don't want you I
don't want to sound like we just any any I don't feel bad if you
don't remember everything, because sometimes you just honestly forget or you just dismiss it
and then it's not just brought up. Then you're like, oh man,
by the way, do you know this this did happen? Right? You
know? You know because you like you ask me something, I'm like,
happened a couple of days, and I'm like, Peter, it just happened
yesterday. So you know, like you forget when it even happened. You
know, is sometimes you just going through life, and every even in the
marriage, you're just going through life because you're still the individual. So you
just you know, you just kind of push it to the side, you
kind of forget about it, and then it's brought up and you're like,
oh man, that's right, and you know, then you talk about it.
But I guess the key thing that you're saying that you know, it's
about getting to know each other. And I guess with a love of the
idea of like languages is the idea that you get to know the thing that
you can do to express your love that I'm going to have a really meaningful
impact on the other pies. Right, So you learn the tone, you
learn their their demeanors, you learn their facial expressions, you learn how they
when I walk in the house, if I walk in a certain way,
she knows if I'm tired, or she knows is if I'm okay, Like
she can tell by just looking at me, but just talking to me.
Looking at me, she can you know, she can say, Okay,
he's tired, I'm gonna leave him. Like if I walk and I'm really
tired, she'll say, okay, I'll leave him. I'll give him fifteen
minutes before I bother him. Unless it's really important. Then she'd be like,
look, I know you're tired, but I need to ask you this
or I need to talk to you about this. But like most times,
she'd be like, okay, I give hi a few minutes get himself together.
You know, I like, I'm not come in. I don't eat
right away. I need time to decompress. I need my body to kind
of adjust to being home, and then I can eat. Because if I
start eating as soon as I walk in the door, I guess maybe because
I'm driving, I just if I feel up, I feel full faster,
if that makes sense them, Angela, can you eat like if you're driving
a lot and then you stop. Can you eat right away? Sometimes?
I guess it depends on how hungry I am, But sometimes it depends eat
right away? Yeah, if I'm not. Sometimes I want to eat now.
Yeah. Right. It takes a minute to kind of right. And
so she recognizes that, so she's like, okay, she She'll say,
when you're ready, let me know, and I make your plate. You
know, like that. She won't, she won't, just you know,
so I heat up your food. Just tell me, you know how long,
you know, tell me when, and I heat up your food.
So it's just learning. I think the different signs of love and the different
types of love is just learning each love for what they are and then applying
them to your spouse. And I think that's probably the premise of Chapman's idea
as well. It really promotes selflessness. Is the idea that you're focusing on
somebody else's needs other than your own, and you've taken the time to learn,
to understand, to recognize, to know, and it's a growing thing.
It's not something that necessarily happens the night, but it's basically how you
know you're going to explore what is going to be the most meaningful for them.
I think it also probably helps create empathy for the other person as well.
You know, you're not going to do something that's you don't ultimately want
to do something that's going to bring them harm, but there are always better
ways to do things which might make it more of a difference in a different
situation. You know, you get to understand their moods, what's happening for
them, and as you're tell you know, you wanted to find out what's
happening with with Pedro, you know, how's your weep and has it?
You know, sometimes it's very easy to make assumptions of what might have been
going on. You know, once you start making assumptions, then you start
to second guess. You then don't bother to ask the questions because you feel
you know what's going on and I guess we'll see you know, it's all
part. I was just I'm sorry, what was just saying. Last point
on this part is when I show love to my wife, she shows loves
back to me. So it's recubtlicle. Yes. So is by showing those
different types of love she sees, like she said, it makes it happy
if I come give a hug. So I make that effort to come give
a hug. Oh he really loves me. Let me go make him a
plate, Let me go web his feet, let me go do this for
him, let me go check on him. It's it's it's both. If
both people are showing the love to the different types of love to each other,
the other person has no choice but to show the love back. Chose
no, no, because and that no not even if they choose I think
sometimes, and I believe this for a fact. I think it was a
while ago. I remember a guy said if if he came, if I
came home, and I came home, and I'm like right right, and
I'm just you know, like loud and bousterous and mean, my wife is
going to be she's gonna withdraw, She's not going to do nothing. She's
going to kind of hide. But if I come in and I'm like,
hey, hey, sweetie, how is your day? Do you need me
to do anything? Do you mean to help you cook? Do you mean
to help you do the dishes? Do you need do you need this?
Subconsciously, she's going to say, oh my goodness, he's he's he's he
sees me, he knows I'm here, he loves me, And subconsciously you
will start loving, You will start doing things back for that spouse. Subconsciously,
it automatically happens. It's not always what you choose. Sometimes you can
by showing love, you can get the love back, and they're not choosing
to love you. They just automatically love you because there because you show them
the love. So I'm showing you're showing your spouse love. Your spouse will
show you that love. But it's even like if you meet somebody that don't
like your work, and then you're nothing but polite and you say hey,
good morning, they don't speak to you. I've done this, I've been
at work and I've said he I've said good morning, how are you to
that person? For like a month, all of a sudden, not that
person doesn't even realize they're doing it, but they saying hello back. So
you treated people how you want to be treated, and it's the same concept
somebody way you want to be treated. They were subconsciously start to do things
not realizing that they're doing it. And it goes with your spouse if you
if you love your spouse the way you suppose God wants you to love your
spouse, and the way you're supposed to love your spouse, your spouse showing
you that love back, not by choice, bye bye love, by love.
Yeah, because you're showing them you know. Yeah, good point,
Peter, Yeah that is and I guess, and I guess as I'm thinking
about that, I guess it's And this is sometimes where maybe criticism comes of
the how idea of MB using love language is is because sometimes it potentially can
be used in the wrong way. You know, if it started to keep
track of what each other are doing, and you know, I'm taking a
note of all these things that you've done and you're not doing this and start
to use it in a negative way, then that that necessarily is not the
right thing either, because you're ideally you're doing these things for the betterment and
expressing how you love the other person rather than keeping track and using it as
kind of things. So again, you're just be doing it for the right
reasons, and ultimately, like you said, Pedro, you would be if
you were doing that for somebody else who would just necessarily reciprocate that. Then
that's sometimes how it is. But if you're starting to utilize that in that
way within your your relationships and that's not going to be a good thing,
that's not gonna be a good thing at all. So that's when you know
you love somebody, you love. You love somebody when you could do something
for them and expect nothing in return. That's it. Yeah, that's true.
That is true. Yeah, that's true because when you start doing stuff
because you expect that's like I rub your feet and I rub my feet.
No, that's not how it works, you know, Or I rubbed your
back on my back. It's not how it works. It is because like
we said, there's different types of love. So it's just about if you
could do something for somebody and not expect the same thing in return, then
that means that's that's shown true love to somebody because now you can you do
it unconditionally as we said earlier, do you do it a self selflessly?
You know, you just is second nature? You know, God loves us
like that, He loves us where he just does things for us and he
doesn't respect, expect nothing in return and except for us just to do it
to love them back. Yeah, I mean it's interesting. My next thing
is to kind of saying, you know, is there I'm gonna say,
don't know if this is messed the right thing? Is there like a negative
side of love? Because is it really a case of love covers all things?
You know? And as I start off by say, you know,
love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage in the sense of you
know, the two, but does it cover all things? And that concept
came from I think it's in first Peter. I think, you know,
love covers a multitude of sins, and I suppose in that context maybe it's
about to forbear or to put up with. You know, love puts up
with a lot. There's mistakes and flaws, does it though? I see
your point because it's just like I love you. I love you enough to
say, you know what, our relationship is toxic, We're not going away.
I love you enough to leave you because this is not gonna work.
No, you know, we trying, and you're not good for me.
I'm not good for you. It's it's no growth, it's it's no change,
it's just bad. So but when you're not together, you get along
better. So you love them enough to get away from what's not it's not
good for you. So I think that's possible as well, because not everybody's
gonna But that's why you get the counselor first. Ye, you gotta get
the counseling first and see what's cousin? What's cousin? You know, because
once you get married, you want to stay together. I want to stay
together. But some people love themselves enough to leave the situation. Like I
love you, but I can't. Some people can't deal with certain issues,
you know what I mean. Some people it's not going to stay in certain
marriages if they just they don't feel safe, if they don't feel needed,
if they don't all. You know, there's so many different things, and
you know, like I love you, but I just can't stay with you.
So love that happens in your So love necessarily won't may not fix a
problem that's going on. Oh love does not. Love does not keep a
marriage together. We talked about that. I'm sorry to do it. At
the end of the show's coming. We've got probably another ten another ten minutes
or so. So right, love does not keep the marriage together because just
like she said, you can love somebody, but if it's toxic, you
have to remove yourself from the situation, because no matter how much you love
the person, if it's if all you're doing is arguing and fighting every day
and your children are seeing this, and you're hurting each other, or you're
doing things to each other to be petty, that's that's not a good marriage
either. So why why would you want to stay in something? Because then
your mental health comes into play and now you're mentally you're not all there,
So you know you I don't believe that. I think I think you always
say commitment. Commitment is what is what keeps a marriage. To you,
you guys just say that. I just I just believe if you're in a
marriage and you're truly not happy and every day it's just it's dreadful, and
who want to live like that? You know what I'm saying. I don't
think God want us to be in that type of situation where you know,
and even though God is all about marriage and keeping it together, there's something
I believe God, if you really think about it, do God really want
us to be in a situation that we're just not going to you know,
see an end of the light of the tone. You know, it's not
going to be you're not changed hard together. Yeah, but if you got
two people that are not like he not changing, she's not changing. You
know, like, how did that's supposed to work? If both people are
not putting in that time? You know what I'm saying. You can't make
somebody stay with you, You can't make somebody love you. You can't make
somebody work out a problem that they're just not willing to let go. You
got to be willing to let things go sometimes in marriages and you that's some
things you're gonna let go and move on farm and some things you had a
situation, but you work through them. So it just depending on where you
want to be. And some people just not willing to put up with certain
things. So they line is drawn, they done, it's over. It's
it's no they mentally have conked out. So if they just mentally conked out,
but they still in the marriage. You just there your shell. Yeah,
but then it's also a valid point. But then you have to be
careful because some people just use anything to get out of a marriage that's true
and not and it's not really a valid reason to be out of the marriage.
I don't like the way he chew. I don't like the way he
look, you know, something like, you know, you don't have no
more money. You know, that's the main things. You know a lot
of people, you know, so you have to be careful of that.
But I guess does that's a lot about maybe about the starting point, because
sometimes people get into relationships and and they go so far to they get married,
and actually maybe they should never really got married in the first place,
because there were things that really weren't set up set up in the way that
maybe they should have done. There may be in red flags or maybe things
that they haven't considered or they never discussed, or they've kind of got a
perspective in a view that may be just completely rose tinted and it's not being
realistic. You know, they maybe not thinking for the future. Because I
guess there is a point where and you've talked about how you can only come
back that there must be a point where actually, what is marriage going to
mean for us? What is that going to mean for our relationship? You
know, what's all these things that we have to consider because you're two separate
people who are going to come together and try and work it out. And
you know, we know that's not going to be going to be easy.
But the idea of commitment is that you're going to try and make it work.
But sometimes, you know, and again I'm speaking very generally and very
broadly, sometimes a couple of days you said they may split for a reason
that you just think did you not know this beforehand? Or did you never
consider this, or what did you think was going to happen in a situation?
And again, like I said, I've been generalizing here completely, But
you know, you have to kind of wonder from a starting point. And
as you mentioned, you know you had counseling before you got married, always
part of your you know, people get married before they have answered before they
get married or during their marriage to help maintain or look at some of those
challenges. So I wonder will it says a lot to do with your starting
point as well as the development and growth within you. I would say that
even if you get counseling doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is gonna you know,
going to work all the time. It just it just gives you.
It just gives you. It just gives you a starting point to get a
better understanding. Yes, because you got how you got there, because I
just just knowing. Like for us, we just start off right at all.
The fact that we're still married eighteen years later is a testament of God
himself because we and everything we talk about we did or the opposite. I
guess that's why we started doing the podcast and start talking as a couple,
because we realized that God has really blessed us and brought us through, you
know, through our marriage because you know, you you could try to do
the right thing, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. So
it's about just educating yourself, learning and then communicating and talking to your spouse
and then being willing to make those changes mid marriage or mid relationship or whatever
whatever stage you're in, and then learning from that and then like for us,
it's not we talk about see this is the weird thing. We talk
about the past, but we don't bring up the past. So we talk
about our past, but in the argument, we don't bring it up no
more. We used to. I remember when you did this, I remember
when you that, like you know, but we don't bring it up no
more. It's just we know it's there, but we are. It's about
healing each other. One thing about marriage, and one of the love languages
is self healing. Self is self healing and self loving yourself. When you
can start loving yourself and knowing the mistakes you made, but no that you
are a much better place you get, then love the next person more too,
Because if you can't love yourself, if you're if I'm so depressed and
I'm so upset with myself and I can't love myself, I can't how can
I love somebody else? I can't love my wife if I don't even love
myself. So you got to start loving yourself to then love your love your
spouse. I think healing comes when you decide to work on yourself first.
Oh, now you have to work in yourself, and then when you do
that, then you can open up the door for your and your spouse to
get through those hard scars that may have happened in your marriage and to be
able to look at them and talk about them without you know, and just
get through that hard thing. I mean just your marriage, but your personal
life that you've been through as a child, as an adult. Some people
don't get married to their forty what happened to all the other thirty nine years
of their life? That's a whole other show. I said, I'm kind
of I'm kind of prefessingent for next Yeah, definitely is definitely is because you're
right and the idea of you know, we talk about self love and loving
ourselves at the end of the day. When we come a bit about self
worth in January with Allison, you know, at the end of the day,
we've got to love ourselves, know our own worth, know our own
value to then be able to share that with somebody else and then be that
person to somebody else as well. So yeah, most definitely we are coming
to a couple of hours go, so I know, right, But so
we've been talking about we've been talking about love and really love actually as you
know, as an emotion, as a feeling. Oh, you mentioned very
briefly about you know sometimes you know when things aren't going right that you know
it can meant it can affect our mental health within our relationships. But you
know, love and good loving relationships have been linked actually can have a really
positive effect on our mental and our physical health. Interestingly enough, you know
it's been linked to lower risks of heart disease, better health habits, increase
longevity of life in general. You know, having good, positive, loving
relationships can reduce our stress levels and hopefully combat depression, even lower the risk
of diabetes and different other health conditions as well. So you know, love
and affection are really important to our well being and our quality of life.
And you know, ultimately we want to have loving relationships and the reflection of
the kind of relationship that God has for us and a love, grace and
mercy that He has for us. So as we're come to the end there
in terms of love and in our relationships are our marriages, what sort of
three tips would you say to kind of what can I say to bring love
and have love within your What a bit, again, we've talked about lots
of different things today. What would you say is your top three tips or
things to sort of you know, if we're thinking about love in terms of
our relationships, what would they be Mane would be compassion. Yeah, listening
and just being there, just being you know, just being there with with
your spells, letting them know you're available. I'm available for you. Okay,
cool. Love that love that Pedro. I'm trying to think I might
as well be oh bye. It's such a communication compassion and understanding. Mm
hmmm, yeah that too. I think for me, I'm just trying to
think of think, because I was going to say the thing so that you
were saying, goes. Everybody goes. It's not just marriages, this is
for everybody generally. I think it's I think, you know, God's love
first is going to be my example. Yeah, I think taking the time
and making the time, and I suppose being kind and showing demonstrating it because
I think, you know, sometimes it's very easy to talk the talk,
but you want to you want to walk the walk as well. All of
those things. I mean, everything that we've said, you know, those
nine tips, those nine things there would be so much as jail. I
hate when people, you know, when people say and then you say,
and then they say, well, you know, God first, God is
always first, and everything, like what people to realize when when we talk
about things. We mean it in the context of God is always first,
not saying you as well, I'm just making fun. I'm just saying in
a sense of like for us, God is first and everything we do in
our marriage that we may not always say it, but just know that that's
always the case. But I think when you say that, I think it's
actually and I think my thinking in that is the demonstrating of that. That's
why I was going to be like, treat treat others the way you I
think Tara said a few minutes ago, like you know that. I think
the last point that you said it was like treating people the way you want
to be treated. If you treat people, if we have God in our
heart and we carry that with us and everywhere we go, they will see
they will see the good in you, and then they would and they will
treat you back the same way. Because you're treating you have no choice but
to treat. And that's where I said, you don't have as not a
choice. Sometimes it's just who you are. You treat people right, they're
gonna treat you back right. And it goes the same thing with your spouse.
If you treat your spouse right, it's gonna it's gonna be sent back
to you. That's what I'm saying. What she's saying about the kindness and
being kind of people. Yeah, so that wraps us up really nicely in
terms of, you know, our thoughts on love. And you know,
whilst I've going to wish people a happy love Day when it comes to Wednesday,
however, don't just limit it just to Wednesday. Love should be shown
every day throughout the year to those people that you care about, those people
that you love that mean a lot to you, and you know that can
filter right into our everyday lives as well. You know, if we are
we are Christians, we are followers of Christ. We are reflections of Him.
The love should be what we do to show other people and demonstrate God's
love for us. So I thank you all for listening to us as we
close. Pedro Tara, would either of you love to pray for us to
close? Yeah, so okay, that's great, and then we'll say goodbyes
for another week. Okay, let's pray. Laura, thank you so much
for this time that we're able to talk about love and marriage and relationships.
Lord help us to display that love that you show us to give to each
other. Well, be with each person each marriage. Each person is desiring
to go into marriage. Lord, show them the way to go. Laura,
be with everyone this week, even on Valentine's Day. Don't let them
be the only day that you disclay your love, but today to show someone
that you know you care for them. Lord, we love you and thank
you for your grace and your mercy. Are praying your son Jesus name.
Amen, Amen, thank you so much. I've love the conversation with you
guys today and I hope you have been listening. We'll have something that you
can take away and utilize it and put it into practice throughout your week.
Do get in contact with us at studio at Adventist dot Radio dot London or
textus on H triple two eight or whatsappers on seven four five nine six four
two eight nine eight. We always want to hear what you've got to say
at ARL, so do get in contact with us. We will be continuing
with our theme of love, marriage and relationships over the next couple of weeks,
so do join us again. And I'm going to as we say goodbye,
I'm going to leave you with a song by Whitney Houston that I love
the Lord because ultimately, as we said, we're putting God first. Yeah,
yeah, we love the Lord, and hopefully we're loving on each other.
So it's good night from Pedro Attara. I seem to have I think
my internet's gone a bit weird, so I seemed to have frozen on me.
But good night for myself Angela, and we will see you next week.
So I'm gonna leave you all with I Love the Lord by Whitney Houston.
Good night and thank you. Ah love the Lord. Ye corral and
paid cheat re grol lo. I mean, may I case cheese. He's
thorough, I show showing a look he held my gold and a pity hard
around. Yes, it is ever. Never believe a honey to so try
Oh, he says, chee choo choo choo too. Oh hasten, he's
a too you know, let me go. M Chip streams. No,
he's a scream. That's here. I know where to go. He's to
go. No, I can go where I can go. My head,
I'll come around. No go, I know I'm I can go. I
hate that to tell mam. No man I go. I know how I
can come here. Why isn't you listen so here? Adventist Radio, London
inspiration for the song