WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.760 --> 00:00:04.240
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to kf I Am six forty the

2
00:00:04.280 --> 00:00:08.400
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on
the iHeartRadio app. I would like to

3
00:00:08.439 --> 00:00:11.800
welcome my Instagram audience. We just
went live on Instagram. If you'd like

4
00:00:11.880 --> 00:00:14.919
to come on in the studio of
iHeartRadio, all you have to do is

5
00:00:14.919 --> 00:00:19.160
log onto Instagram and go to my
account, which is Dr Wendy Walsh.

6
00:00:19.199 --> 00:00:22.960
Doctor Wendy Welsh. If you're new
to my show, just telling the Instagram

7
00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:27.480
people here. I have a PhD
in clinical psychology. I'm observed with the

8
00:00:27.559 --> 00:00:34.039
science of love and the segment I
want to talk about now is answering trying

9
00:00:34.079 --> 00:00:43.920
to answer that on ending question about
why smart women often date bad men,

10
00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:52.679
men who hurt them, men who
are abusive, emotionally abusive, physically manipulative,

11
00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:59.159
narcissistic, sociopaths, psychopaths. You
know who these guys are, We've

12
00:00:59.159 --> 00:01:04.319
all dated them. Well, there's
a reason. There are two reasons.

13
00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:11.120
Actually. The first reason is that
many of the kinds of people I've described

14
00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:21.519
actually have very alluring personality traits that
make them very attractive. And secondly,

15
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:30.319
many highly intelligent, super smart women
also have certain personality traits that make them

16
00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:38.120
particularly vulnerable and susceptible to these kinds
of personalities. One of the books I

17
00:01:38.120 --> 00:01:42.239
looked up on this subject, which
I highly recommend, is called Women Who

18
00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:53.040
Love Psychopaths Inside the Relationships of Inevitable
Harm with Psychopaths, sociopaths, and Narcissists.

19
00:01:53.040 --> 00:02:00.879
It's written by Sandra Brown. She's
the founder of the Institute for Relational

20
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:07.080
Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.
She's a former psychotherapist and she's basically a

21
00:02:07.080 --> 00:02:15.520
community educator because she realized in her
career that women were becoming victims. They

22
00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:19.120
didn't know how they got there.
She uses the example that I've used a

23
00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:23.360
lot, which is when you're in
an abusive relationship. Of course, it

24
00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:27.759
never presents itself on the first date. It may not even present itself in

25
00:02:27.800 --> 00:02:32.280
the first few months. It's like
that frog that you boil by putting it

26
00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:39.000
in warm water and slowly turning up
the temperature. And then after a while,

27
00:02:39.400 --> 00:02:43.479
women stay for all kinds of reasons. In fact, later in the

28
00:02:43.520 --> 00:02:46.280
show, after I take your calls, I want to talk about the reasons

29
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:52.360
that women stay because it's not just
they're trapped in it's financial, they're psychological

30
00:02:52.400 --> 00:02:57.919
things that happen to their brain that
make them stay in a bad relationship.

31
00:03:00.439 --> 00:03:04.960
She really believes. Sandra Brown,
who wrote the book Women Who Love Psychopaths,

32
00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:08.520
that there are things that women can
learn, the red flags that we

33
00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:14.840
can see, in order to prevent
us from falling in love with these kinds

34
00:03:14.840 --> 00:03:22.599
of personalities. I have spent my
career trying to heal myself and tell people

35
00:03:22.599 --> 00:03:27.280
about this. My first book was
called The Boyfriend Test, How to Evaluate

36
00:03:27.360 --> 00:03:30.039
his Potential before You Lose your Heart, And it was really a struggle to

37
00:03:30.080 --> 00:03:36.479
overcome this, to be able to
recognize when somebody might be a dangerous mate,

38
00:03:36.599 --> 00:03:40.560
at least emotionally dangerous. So let's
talk about some of the personality traits

39
00:03:40.599 --> 00:03:49.599
that make psychopaths and sociopaths really attractive. One is they showcase success. Now

40
00:03:49.639 --> 00:03:53.360
it may be fake, but evolutionary
psychologists would say that women are attracted to

41
00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:59.240
successful men, that if they have
successful careers, if they're making a lot

42
00:03:59.240 --> 00:04:04.280
of money, that it is very
attractive. So they will showcase this.

43
00:04:04.919 --> 00:04:09.039
It may be lies. You know, I was talking to a friend on

44
00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:11.800
the phone the other day. You
know, by the way, any gender,

45
00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:15.120
this can happen to I happen to
be talking about vulnerable women and dangerous

46
00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:18.800
men right now. But a friend
of mine called me and he met a

47
00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:24.040
woman on a dating app and she
very quickly got sexual with him. She

48
00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:28.360
FaceTime with him, she showed him
some sex toys, et cetera. And

49
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:30.120
he's like, she wants to meet
me. Should I go out with her?

50
00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:34.439
And I'm like, no, you
are being romance scammed. He goes,

51
00:04:34.519 --> 00:04:40.920
yeah, but she owns her own
condo and she is successful. I'm

52
00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:46.480
like, how do you know she
told you that right she's trying to trick

53
00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:49.240
you into getting with her. There's
no way that when you first meet a

54
00:04:49.240 --> 00:04:55.399
woman that she's going to be performing
so explicitly on the FaceTime unless she wants

55
00:04:55.480 --> 00:05:00.399
something from you. The other thing
that sociopaths and psycho past two is they

56
00:05:00.439 --> 00:05:09.199
subtly use operant conditioning. They reward
good behavior. They punish bad behavior by

57
00:05:09.240 --> 00:05:13.319
not calling, not showing up,
being late, all these little passive aggressive

58
00:05:13.319 --> 00:05:16.959
things the way they punish bad behavior. But who decides what behavior's good behavior

59
00:05:17.040 --> 00:05:23.240
or bad behavior? Their own narcissistic
self. So women are trying to figure

60
00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:25.959
out they're just trying to date this
guy and they're like, well, when

61
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:29.560
I do this, I don't hear
from him as much. When I do

62
00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:34.279
that, I hear from him more
often. So he's slowly shaping her behavior

63
00:05:34.480 --> 00:05:39.279
and she doesn't realize it because it's
the early stages of dating and she's trying

64
00:05:39.319 --> 00:05:46.920
to just be attractive. Also,
some psychopaths try to make women feel safer.

65
00:05:47.720 --> 00:05:51.240
I'll protect you. I once had
a relationship with a guy. It

66
00:05:51.319 --> 00:05:55.959
turned out to down the road be
a dangerous relationship. However, it was

67
00:05:56.040 --> 00:05:59.439
years ago. I was on TV. I was hosting a show called Extra,

68
00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:04.160
and there was some tabloid thing saying
that I was dating O. J.

69
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:11.399
Simpson was all lies. So my
neighbor came home. She happens to

70
00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:15.399
have blonde hair, and all these
paparazzi circled around her car because they're taking

71
00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:16.360
her picture. And she said,
no, I'm not her, I'm not

72
00:06:16.439 --> 00:06:19.439
her. So she called me and
said, don't come home. There are

73
00:06:19.480 --> 00:06:25.439
all these paparazzi here. So I
called the new guy I was dating,

74
00:06:25.759 --> 00:06:28.040
and he's like, Okay, here's
what I need you to do. Go

75
00:06:28.120 --> 00:06:30.680
over to Noah's Bagels, sit in
the parking lot, keep your doors locked,

76
00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:33.759
keep your windows up. I'm leaving
the office right now. I'm gonna

77
00:06:33.759 --> 00:06:35.639
be there in twenty minutes. I'm
gonna go over to the house first.

78
00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:39.279
I'm gonna make sure they're gone before
you come over. I was like,

79
00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:44.639
I'm falling Sue in love. I'm
falling Sue in love. Yeah, it

80
00:06:44.720 --> 00:06:47.879
was fake. It was a moment
where he could do a grand gesture to

81
00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:53.439
pretend that he was a protector,
not someone who would eventually hurt me.

82
00:06:54.839 --> 00:07:00.360
Often, these psychopaths and sociopaths have
a high sex drive because they know if

83
00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:02.720
they can get a woman having sex
with them early and regularly, that her

84
00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:06.199
bodies will admit oxytocin, the bonding
hormone, and she's going to fall in

85
00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:13.600
love with him, So they will
work that system. The other thing that

86
00:07:13.959 --> 00:07:16.319
it's not their fault, I mean, they don't consciously do it, but

87
00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:24.120
it just happens is women who have
had abusive childhoods. When they're doing the

88
00:07:24.199 --> 00:07:28.439
roller coaster, the honeymoon, the
great thing followed by the awful of fight

89
00:07:28.480 --> 00:07:33.279
and then the makeup sex and whatever, it's reminding them of the inconsistent relationship

90
00:07:33.319 --> 00:07:39.279
they had with daddy when they were
kids. So that feels familiar, and

91
00:07:39.319 --> 00:07:44.680
they start to think that that's love. Also to hear about this online everywhere.

92
00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:48.920
Narcissist and sociopath love to love bomb
love bomb where they just kill you

93
00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:53.319
with kindness and gifts and make you
think like you're the greatest thing ever.

94
00:07:53.800 --> 00:07:59.519
And there are so many women in
America with low self esteem that they are

95
00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:05.720
so hungry for this kind of love. They are so hungry for this adulation.

96
00:08:07.319 --> 00:08:11.920
I mentioned the emotional roller coaster.
Trust me, I've been on many

97
00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:16.879
of those. The highs are so
high, the lows are so awful,

98
00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:22.680
the makeup sex is so wonderful.
This is not love. This is not

99
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:31.279
love. This is somebody manipulating you, and your brain chemistry starts to change

100
00:08:31.360 --> 00:08:41.039
in response to it. They also
figure out early what you're looking for and

101
00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:46.159
become that. Now many women in
their childbearing years have a very natural,

102
00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:52.000
normal instinct to want to settle down, have a husband, have children.

103
00:08:52.720 --> 00:08:56.279
If they get any inkling that that's
you. That's what they're going to tell

104
00:08:56.320 --> 00:09:00.720
you. Oh, yeah, I
finally met the one I can settle down

105
00:09:00.720 --> 00:09:03.440
with. It to you, I
want to have a whole bunch of babies.

106
00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:11.159
So they play into this sense of
longing that many women have. What's

107
00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:15.679
really also interesting is at the beginning
they'd say to strong women, you need

108
00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:18.600
to be independent. I think it's
so wonderful, your career, whatever.

109
00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:22.200
But it's all fake because after a
while they start to slow you down,

110
00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:26.799
they start to control you, they
start to say why are you out so

111
00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:30.600
much, They start to isolate you
from your friends or family. But at

112
00:09:30.600 --> 00:09:33.440
the beginning, you're like, he
lets me be me. It's amazing,

113
00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:37.799
but it's often a trick. Okay, I am going to pause to take

114
00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:41.960
some phone calls on people's relationship questions. Reminder, I'm not a therapist.

115
00:09:41.960 --> 00:09:46.879
I'm a psychology professor, but I
love to weigh in on people's love lives.

116
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:50.480
I've been through enough life experience that
I'm like an old auntie to you,

117
00:09:50.600 --> 00:09:56.399
and I'm happy to weigh in.
The phone number is one eight hundred

118
00:09:56.399 --> 00:10:01.039
five two zero one KFI. That's
one eight hundred five two zero one five

119
00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:05.120
three four. And after I take
your phone calls and answer some of your

120
00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:11.080
social media questions, then I want
to talk about vulnerable women whist the smartest

121
00:10:11.159 --> 00:10:16.360
women often get entangled with these kinds
of men, and what they can do

122
00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:20.759
about it. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM

123
00:10:20.840 --> 00:10:24.799
six forty. The number is one
eight hundred five two zero one five three

124
00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:31.080
four. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.

125
00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:33.320
I am taking your calls. The
number is one eight hundred five two

126
00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:39.600
zero one five three four. That's
one eight hundred five two zero one kfive

127
00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:43.120
Reminder. I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor. But I've written

128
00:10:43.159 --> 00:10:48.080
three books on relationships, and my
dissertation was on attachment theory. So I

129
00:10:48.120 --> 00:10:52.519
am happy to weigh in on your
relationship. Okay, Producer Kayla, who

130
00:10:52.519 --> 00:10:56.519
do we have? First? We
have Carolyn with a question. Carolyn.

131
00:10:56.600 --> 00:11:00.679
Hi, Carolyn, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, go to late. How

132
00:11:00.679 --> 00:11:05.080
are you good? What's your question? So? I was wondering, if

133
00:11:05.080 --> 00:11:11.600
you're dating long distance, how long
should you wait to move closer to each

134
00:11:11.600 --> 00:11:16.960
other and how long should you wait
for intercourse? Well, there's no shoulds.

135
00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:22.200
First of all. However, long
distance relationships, there's a little issue

136
00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:26.759
with them. Generally, they work
really well when they're long distance. That's

137
00:11:26.759 --> 00:11:30.559
how they started, that's how it
was planned. And then the problems start

138
00:11:30.559 --> 00:11:33.639
when you move into the same city, because then it's a whole new thing.

139
00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:39.919
Or relationships that start in one city
often have to struggles when they move

140
00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:43.360
apart, so you have to be
prepared for that. I would say,

141
00:11:43.480 --> 00:11:50.759
in my own just personal opinion that
nobody should consider moving cities or changing jobs

142
00:11:50.919 --> 00:11:54.840
until you've been together a year,
because you need to really know this person.

143
00:11:54.879 --> 00:11:58.600
But when I say together a year, I mean spending time together.

144
00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:01.000
I mean I talk to people who
say they're in a long distance relationship,

145
00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:05.759
but they never visit each other.
They're just texting, they're just face timing.

146
00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:09.080
It's like a pretend relationship, because
you see, the thing about a

147
00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:13.320
real relationship is real time relationship in
the real world, face to face,

148
00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:18.240
is that when problems come up,
you've got to deal with it right away.

149
00:12:18.759 --> 00:12:20.759
But with long distance relationships, you
get the benefit of the time leg

150
00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:26.039
you can wait and try out later. And then my advice on when to

151
00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:31.399
begin having sex for the first time
in a new relationship remains the same,

152
00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:35.720
whether it's a long distance relationship or
in the same city relationship, and that

153
00:12:35.840 --> 00:12:43.639
is when you trust someone. I
find it fascinating that there are women out

154
00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:48.159
there who wouldn't give this man the
keys to their apartment to water their plant

155
00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:54.480
while they're away, Yet they would
share and expose their bloodstream and their eggs

156
00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:58.159
with him. I mean, think
about it. Think about it that way.

157
00:12:58.840 --> 00:13:03.039
So how do you trust? You
don't blindly trust? You Watch to

158
00:13:03.080 --> 00:13:07.200
see how much they sacrifice for you, and whether the sacrifice is that you're

159
00:13:07.320 --> 00:13:13.080
giving are reciprocal. This is the
important thing, reciprocal. If you are

160
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:18.159
doing something nice for them, do
they do something nice back? Are you

161
00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:22.799
opening up and being vulnerable and honest
and emotional and are they doing the same

162
00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:26.679
thing now. Sometimes narcissists and psychopaths
do it as sort of a fake thing,

163
00:13:26.759 --> 00:13:31.440
like they act all victimy, like
all these bad things happen to them

164
00:13:31.480 --> 00:13:35.240
so you'll feel sorry for them.
That's not the same as having emotional intimacy

165
00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:41.480
being seen, heard and understood.
And also put some ground rules on it.

166
00:13:41.159 --> 00:13:45.440
We're going to begin sleeping together.
I'd like to know you don't have

167
00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:48.039
to be my full time boyfriend.
You don't have to We don't have to

168
00:13:48.039 --> 00:13:50.720
post it on Instagram, don't have
to make it public. I just want

169
00:13:50.759 --> 00:13:54.559
you to know that if I am
sleeping with you. I'd like to know

170
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:58.240
that I'm the only person you're sleeping
with. Put some ground rules on it,

171
00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:01.000
and if they can't say yes to
that, then you know it's not

172
00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:05.960
the time. Carolyne, thank you
so much for calling. I appreciate it.

173
00:14:05.240 --> 00:14:07.440
Okay, Producer, Kayla, who
do we have next? We have

174
00:14:07.639 --> 00:14:13.279
Edward with the question. Edward.
Hi, Edward, it's doctor Wendy.

175
00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:18.480
Hi. How are you doing good? What's your question? I've been in

176
00:14:18.559 --> 00:14:28.159
a marriage for about ten years now, and uh, and it seems like

177
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:33.240
my wife is operating like these men
you're you're talking about. You know,

178
00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:41.240
she's very uh, abusive, emotionally
abusive, manipulative, abusive, manipulative.

179
00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:48.559
And and she's twelve years my senior, our sixty and she's seventy two.

180
00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:56.919
And we were we're actually married,
and and we divorced after three years from

181
00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:03.720
marriage. And then we were divorced
for a year and we remarried after my

182
00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:07.799
daughters that went off to college.
And and this is my second marriage,

183
00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:13.279
second marriage the same person. Yeah, the third marriage, but second to

184
00:15:13.279 --> 00:15:16.360
the same person. Okay, so
let me get it straight. Edward,

185
00:15:16.519 --> 00:15:18.759
you've been married ten years, but
this woman that you're married to is twelve

186
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:22.279
years older than you. You were
actually married to her already for three years

187
00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:26.519
and then you divorce, but then
you got back together. Why did you

188
00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:33.600
divorce so the first time because my
daughters they were another when my daughters were

189
00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:37.240
in the tenth eleventh grade and my
teenagers in the household. Yeah, totally

190
00:15:37.320 --> 00:15:39.759
get it. Totally get it.
Okay, Yeah, and it just became

191
00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:46.559
very difficult, saint, having had
Belinda Famine, my daughter's in the in

192
00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:50.679
the house when they left off to
college, right, freed you out?

193
00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:56.279
Yes? Yeah, okay. So
the next question is you say she's being

194
00:15:56.360 --> 00:15:58.840
manipulative and abusive. Have you brought
this up to her? And how receptive

195
00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:08.840
is she to understanding the dynamic?
She's none receptive whatsoever. I mean she

196
00:16:08.840 --> 00:16:18.679
she comes from a background where she
didn't have her father. She is raised

197
00:16:18.679 --> 00:16:27.440
by an alcoholic mother, and she
just learned she's the oldest of four or

198
00:16:27.480 --> 00:16:33.200
five siblings and she had to take
care of her. Okay, So,

199
00:16:33.320 --> 00:16:34.600
Edward, I want to tell you
something. It is not your job to

200
00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:37.799
be her savior. It is not
your job to take care of her.

201
00:16:37.960 --> 00:16:41.879
It is emotionally, it is not
your job to heal her. If she

202
00:16:41.960 --> 00:16:45.960
had a traumatic childhood. It's her
job to go to therapy and heal.

203
00:16:45.440 --> 00:16:52.519
What does she say when you ask
her to go to couples therapy. We've

204
00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:56.320
done that, then they've done that. Doesn't work. It doesn't work.

205
00:16:56.399 --> 00:17:03.399
So are you ready for a divorce? And the thing that complicates with the

206
00:17:03.440 --> 00:17:11.319
divorce is she's never had any biological
tildre of her own. And and when

207
00:17:11.319 --> 00:17:17.240
we first got married, another reason
why we were suffering was we end up

208
00:17:17.319 --> 00:17:22.599
fostering kids during the time I was
raising my daughters. She was helping me

209
00:17:22.680 --> 00:17:27.720
raising my daughters the last few years
of high school, and when up fostering

210
00:17:27.799 --> 00:17:36.920
about a dozen kids over that three
year period. And then after we got

211
00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:41.240
out of the foster care of business, so to speak, we we end

212
00:17:41.319 --> 00:17:45.400
up getting back together because I thought
maybe because of all the things that were

213
00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:49.640
going on and we didn't have Yeah, I can't imagine starting a new marriage

214
00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:55.039
and becoming foster parents over the course
of three years to twelve different kids.

215
00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:59.279
Yeah. Yeah, So but are
these kids around now? You said this

216
00:17:59.319 --> 00:18:03.240
complicates the opportunity for divorce, Well, come gets to them. When we

217
00:18:03.279 --> 00:18:07.400
got remarried. You know, when
we got remarried, after everything kind of

218
00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:11.240
calmed down, and we were just
it was just us. And she gets

219
00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:18.200
a phone call from her sister who's
who's schizophrenic or whatever, and her her

220
00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:26.559
her sister's daughter is having a baby
and and and her daughter's in jail.

221
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:30.880
And so she has this baby in
jail. And so did you take in

222
00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:37.240
the your sister in law's baby that
she gave birth to in jail? Yeah?

223
00:18:37.240 --> 00:18:41.640
Hold, my wife wanted the baby
was three months old. How old

224
00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:48.480
is she now? She's now four? And her brother who was a year

225
00:18:48.519 --> 00:18:49.960
and a half. Oh, she
got the brother too, now six?

226
00:18:51.359 --> 00:18:55.400
And did you adopt them? But
we have these we well we're little guardians

227
00:18:55.400 --> 00:18:59.359
and we have been legal guardians since
they were three months old and a year

228
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:00.839
and a half old. They're now
for and six, and they see its

229
00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:07.319
like mom and dad. Right,
So you made a commitment to these two

230
00:19:07.599 --> 00:19:14.160
young humans. I feel like this
commitment is important to you and you care

231
00:19:14.279 --> 00:19:17.799
about their upbringing. So what I
want you to think about it? And

232
00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:21.599
Edward, I highly suggest that if
she won't, if therapy hasn't worked for

233
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:25.400
you guys as a couple, you
should go to individual therapy. But the

234
00:19:25.480 --> 00:19:30.400
question you need to solve is how
Can I keep my commitment to these kids

235
00:19:32.279 --> 00:19:37.839
and still be divorced so that I
can have my sense of self? Or

236
00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:40.720
Am I going to suck it up
for the rest of my life because of

237
00:19:40.759 --> 00:19:44.279
these kids and be angry and bitter
and all those other things when you might

238
00:19:44.400 --> 00:19:45.720
end up even taking it out of
the kids. So I want you to

239
00:19:45.720 --> 00:19:51.000
go to therapy and ask that question, how can I maintain my commitment to

240
00:19:51.039 --> 00:19:57.279
these children but find myself and my
freedom? Thank you so much for calling

241
00:19:57.400 --> 00:20:00.839
Edward. I'm sorry you're going for
this. Through this, I will continue

242
00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:04.079
to take your calls after the break. The number is one eight hundred five

243
00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:10.480
two zero one five three four.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one

244
00:20:10.759 --> 00:20:15.960
KFI. You're listening to doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KF. I am

245
00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:19.400
six forty. I am taking your
calls. The numbers one eight hundred five

246
00:20:19.559 --> 00:20:23.319
two zero one five three four Producer
Kayla, Who do we have? We

247
00:20:23.440 --> 00:20:27.799
have Laura with the question. Hi, Laura, It's doctor Wendy. Hi.

248
00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:33.400
I'm so honored to talk to you. I'm actually an elms T and

249
00:20:33.640 --> 00:20:41.880
Sucramento twenty three years eight, and
I just felt and loved you many years,

250
00:20:41.880 --> 00:20:44.640
aren't you sweet? Thank you so
much and thank you for the good

251
00:20:44.680 --> 00:20:48.160
work that you are doing helping to
heal people. You have a question for

252
00:20:48.200 --> 00:20:52.240
me? Or do I have a
question for you? Doctor Laura? I

253
00:20:52.279 --> 00:20:59.000
have a question. Go ahead,
you have a question. Oh we lost

254
00:20:59.119 --> 00:21:02.839
Laurai lost alight and she held on
all the way through the commercial. Now

255
00:21:02.839 --> 00:21:07.480
she's back. Okay, what's your
question. Yeah, So I was married

256
00:21:07.640 --> 00:21:14.000
or a married about twenty five years. About three years ago, right before

257
00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:18.920
COVID, I decided to separate from
my husband, which was painful, but

258
00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:23.359
he lost the stroke, stopped try
and help with our two two kids your

259
00:21:23.400 --> 00:21:30.039
ages actually two daughters, and so
I just thought I had to move out.

260
00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:33.240
But I thought he might have dementia. So I actually got him into

261
00:21:33.319 --> 00:21:41.119
Kaiser Memory Care and they detected some
dementia, nothing significant. In March of

262
00:21:41.720 --> 00:21:48.079
this year, he had a stroke
and a pretty bad stroke, and so

263
00:21:48.440 --> 00:21:53.400
I felt like I had to move
back home and take care of him.

264
00:21:53.480 --> 00:21:59.160
And I'm still working full time at
Kaiser, but I'm just kind of like,

265
00:21:59.799 --> 00:22:03.839
I don't know, doctor Wendy.
Like my dream was to retire in

266
00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:07.920
San Diego and work from Trivate practice
there and just kind of like live near

267
00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:12.000
the beach, which I love,
but I also don't. I'm just morally,

268
00:22:12.039 --> 00:22:18.640
I'm built like I'm super loyal,
and I just feel really conflicted.

269
00:22:18.680 --> 00:22:22.480
I have friends that are telling me
you're too loyal, you should just put

270
00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:26.200
him in a home, and my
heart tells me that's just not congruent with

271
00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:32.960
my values. And you know how
you divorced at the time that he had

272
00:22:33.119 --> 00:22:37.400
show. So yeah, now we're
actually in the middle of a mediation.

273
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:42.000
Yeah, gotcha. So it's and
how how old are your daughters now?

274
00:22:44.279 --> 00:22:48.279
Nineteen and twenty three? And are
you are you seeing a therapist? I

275
00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:52.519
hope? Yeah? Oh god,
thank god. What's her opinion of this?

276
00:22:53.839 --> 00:22:57.640
So his opinion is you have to
do what feels right for you.

277
00:22:57.799 --> 00:23:02.160
He doesn't really direct me either way, you know. He just says,

278
00:23:02.240 --> 00:23:06.839
like, you know, you could
definitely move out and find him a place

279
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:10.640
to live, and that's going to
suck all of your money out, or

280
00:23:10.720 --> 00:23:14.240
if you feel like you want to
take care of him, which is it's

281
00:23:14.279 --> 00:23:15.839
not. But I mean, I'm
only fifty five. I just right,

282
00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:19.079
And the life of a caregiver is
a very hard life. You know,

283
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:22.200
you need someone to care for you. When you're caring for someone full time.

284
00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:30.960
So I you know, I would
talk to this is my girlfriend,

285
00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:37.119
a girlfriend, I would talk to
some lawyers and some financial people about how

286
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:44.400
to be able to divorce him so
that he is now financially independent and can

287
00:23:44.440 --> 00:23:48.839
get government assistance. Right, Okay, so there are some things on paper

288
00:23:48.160 --> 00:23:52.000
I suspect I don't know, but
that's the first thing I would do is

289
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.480
talk to a lawyer and talk to
a like somebody who does financial planning.

290
00:23:57.680 --> 00:24:03.960
And secondly, you know it is
possible because I understand this is a big,

291
00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:11.480
giant moral question, but we do
no favors to anybody if we lose

292
00:24:11.680 --> 00:24:18.720
ourselves, if we deplete ourselves,
if we give to the point where we're

293
00:24:18.759 --> 00:24:22.000
angry, where we get sick,
where your kids are now taking care of

294
00:24:22.039 --> 00:24:29.319
you because you've exhausted being the caregiver. Right, So trying to find that

295
00:24:29.519 --> 00:24:37.039
balance of being able to honor your
moral desire to get him the best care

296
00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:42.200
he can get, but at the
same time take care of yourself, because

297
00:24:42.440 --> 00:24:48.920
finding another relationship and falling in love
is practicing self care. It's caring for

298
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:53.279
your mental health. And I think
you should talk to your therapist about how

299
00:24:53.279 --> 00:25:00.680
you can reframe it that way,
and I think it is possible to create

300
00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:03.440
a hybrid. If it was me, I would say, there's got to

301
00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:07.119
be a way to create a hybrid. Get him to a facility in near

302
00:25:07.160 --> 00:25:12.640
San Diego, regular visitation from you, make sure that uh, you know

303
00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:18.640
he's cared for financially, make sure
you're legally covered. I think there's more

304
00:25:18.720 --> 00:25:22.279
to this question than just the emotional
moral question. I think there are some

305
00:25:22.359 --> 00:25:27.359
practical questions that you know, As
I said, lawyers and financial planners can

306
00:25:27.400 --> 00:25:32.799
help you with. And I would
also bring your daughters in on the conversation

307
00:25:32.960 --> 00:25:37.039
because they're adults now and they can
also begin to take on some of the

308
00:25:37.079 --> 00:25:41.279
caregiver burden. Doesn't have to be
all on you mom, right, it's

309
00:25:41.319 --> 00:25:45.359
their dad too. And I mean, I don't know about your kids,

310
00:25:45.440 --> 00:25:51.359
but my daughters are one to UCLA, the other one is going to nursing

311
00:25:51.440 --> 00:25:55.759
school, and they're like, I'm
done like all the other one that lasts.

312
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.880
So if you talk to them as
this is, I'd like to make

313
00:26:00.160 --> 00:26:03.200
family plan where my needs are being
taken care of and each of your needs

314
00:26:03.200 --> 00:26:07.240
are taken care of, and that
we don't leave dad too much in the

315
00:26:07.319 --> 00:26:14.160
lurch, involve them in the conversation
of decision making, because if the last

316
00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:15.599
line you said was interesting, you're
the one who left him. Like in

317
00:26:15.640 --> 00:26:22.480
other words, your punishment now because
you left our father is that you need

318
00:26:22.519 --> 00:26:26.680
to take care of him, which
is crazy, right, because he's related

319
00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:29.319
to all three of you in some
way, in fact, more related to

320
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:33.920
them than you totally. So that
was a little guilt trip. They tried

321
00:26:33.960 --> 00:26:38.000
delay and you picked up that bat
right. But oh yeah, I get

322
00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:41.279
the hook a lot of time.
Yeah, you get the hook because you

323
00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:44.799
have a lot of empathy. Right. You're you're in the healing profession,

324
00:26:44.920 --> 00:26:48.279
you're a therapist. And also a
lot of people don't understand that the work

325
00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:53.599
you do, Laura is mentally taxing. You know, I don't have a

326
00:26:53.640 --> 00:26:57.160
license to practice. And one of
the reasons why is because when I was

327
00:26:57.200 --> 00:27:02.119
trying to get my hours, I
was a single mom with a two year

328
00:27:02.119 --> 00:27:07.200
old and a four year old,
and I would come home emotionally depleted after

329
00:27:07.240 --> 00:27:10.799
seeing patients all day and then have
to deal with a two year old taking

330
00:27:10.799 --> 00:27:15.359
a tantrum. It is hard work
when you're an EmPATH, which most people

331
00:27:15.400 --> 00:27:18.640
in the business are. I know, that they teach you how to have

332
00:27:18.720 --> 00:27:22.480
good boundaries and how to see your
own therapist and all that stuff, but

333
00:27:22.519 --> 00:27:27.680
it's still exhausting, it is.
I'm happy that you don't have a license.

334
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:33.480
I mean, I think that's to
survive in this business. So good

335
00:27:33.480 --> 00:27:36.359
for you. Well, I mean
I teach, right, and you don't

336
00:27:36.400 --> 00:27:41.079
need a license to teach cam Island. Yes, exactly so. And I

337
00:27:41.240 --> 00:27:48.480
enjoy teaching and educating. Oh aren't
you sweet? That's so nice to hear.

338
00:27:48.519 --> 00:27:52.240
That's lovely. But I do think
you should spend some time, you

339
00:27:52.279 --> 00:27:56.160
know, thinking about the practical things
of it. And also if I'm here

340
00:27:56.200 --> 00:27:57.519
as a friend to do anything for
you, it's to pull you off the

341
00:27:57.519 --> 00:28:04.000
guilt train. You don't anything at
this point. You as a compassionate person

342
00:28:04.359 --> 00:28:10.000
and give some degree of care,
but I want you to practice self care.

343
00:28:10.119 --> 00:28:11.799
That's what I want to see for
you. This is my personal opinion.

344
00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:15.839
Thanks for calling, Laura, I
really really appreciate it. When we

345
00:28:15.880 --> 00:28:22.119
came back. Why some really smart
women like me are really susceptible to bad

346
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:27.799
guys. You're listening to doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from kf I am six

347
00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:30.000
forty. We're in the home stretch
of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. But

348
00:28:30.039 --> 00:28:34.640
I want to touch on a very
sensitive, close to my heart topic.

349
00:28:36.119 --> 00:28:38.319
You know, I've told you I
have a pretty high shame tolerance. When

350
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:44.359
people ask me about mistakes I've made
as a human being, usually throw you

351
00:28:44.359 --> 00:28:48.279
know, it just rolls off my
back. But it's that one that hurts

352
00:28:48.319 --> 00:28:52.880
the most, and from time to
time people bring it up. When I'm

353
00:28:52.920 --> 00:29:00.119
talking about some of the damaging relationships
that I've been in the past, the

354
00:29:00.200 --> 00:29:07.039
hurtful, painful relationships, people will
say, inevitably, but you're so smart.

355
00:29:07.880 --> 00:29:12.240
How can such a smart woman make
such a dumb choice. I want

356
00:29:12.240 --> 00:29:18.400
to remind you that the intellectual brain
and the emotional brain are two different things,

357
00:29:18.759 --> 00:29:25.519
and the emotional brains in charge.
The emotional brain is seeking pleasure,

358
00:29:26.359 --> 00:29:32.279
except when it seeks love. It's
not seeking pleasure, it's seeking the familiar.

359
00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:37.319
The familiar is what happened in the
first few years of life, and

360
00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:41.480
it may involve feelings of loss,
and in my case, there were a

361
00:29:41.480 --> 00:29:45.279
lot of feelings of loss, and
so as a result, if I met

362
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:52.319
someone who triggered those feelings, I
would confuse it with that familiar feeling of

363
00:29:52.400 --> 00:30:00.279
love. You know, I always
felt stupid that I was in some very

364
00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:06.880
bad relationships. But I'm here to
tell you if you are like me,

365
00:30:07.440 --> 00:30:11.240
and you've tried as hard as you
can and make the right choices and still

366
00:30:11.279 --> 00:30:15.799
found yourself time and time again with
the same kind of people, You're not

367
00:30:15.960 --> 00:30:21.559
stupid for being in a trauma bond. You're not stupid. We're missing out

368
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:27.519
on some of the red flags.
You're not stupid for not knowing what boundaries

369
00:30:27.680 --> 00:30:33.680
are. You're not stupid for staying
in the relationship. You're not stupid for

370
00:30:33.720 --> 00:30:41.519
going back again and again. I'll
bet the abuse like happened with me started

371
00:30:41.559 --> 00:30:48.480
slowly and quietly. In fact,
it was easily forgiven. If you had

372
00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:52.160
actually said or done anything, they
would have turned and said, you are

373
00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:55.960
making such a big deal over nothing, you're being so petty, or you're

374
00:30:55.960 --> 00:30:59.759
being a little crazy. You know, I think I told your story that

375
00:30:59.759 --> 00:31:03.200
one time, one of the people
who I was in a terrible relationship with

376
00:31:03.960 --> 00:31:07.519
he on our very first like falling
in love time. We were on a

377
00:31:07.640 --> 00:31:11.960
business trip of mine, so the
hotel room was paid for by the company

378
00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:15.039
I was traveling with, but I
put my own credit card for incidentals,

379
00:31:15.079 --> 00:31:18.319
and when I checked out, I
noticed two shirts from the pro shop on

380
00:31:18.359 --> 00:31:22.599
the list. But I was so
head over heels I didn't want to go

381
00:31:22.640 --> 00:31:25.880
marching out to the Valley Parker where
there he was with the bags, going

382
00:31:26.319 --> 00:31:29.359
what about these shirts? You're gonna
pay me back for the two T shirts?

383
00:31:30.200 --> 00:31:33.359
It just seems so petty, It
seems so silly. But it was

384
00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:37.359
a test, a test, and
eventually he stole a lot of money from

385
00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:45.839
me. So here are some of
the personality traits that actually make you women

386
00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:53.440
more vulnerable to dangerous men. High
extraversion. Yeah, us extroverts. We

387
00:31:53.599 --> 00:32:00.480
like excitement, novelty, and we
avoid boredom. And we find psychopaths initially

388
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:06.960
initially thrilling. We don't see them
dangerous, we see them exciting. We

389
00:32:07.079 --> 00:32:09.599
also are attracted to dominance and strength. I used to say I'm looking for

390
00:32:09.640 --> 00:32:14.200
a man who's stronger than me because
I'm such a strong woman. Or I

391
00:32:14.279 --> 00:32:17.440
used to say I'm looking for a
benevolent king, right, So women who

392
00:32:17.480 --> 00:32:22.759
are attracted to a dominant man are
more susceptible to these kinds of guys.

393
00:32:22.759 --> 00:32:27.480
Also, competitive women, I used
to say, I'm going to prove my

394
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:30.359
friends wrong. I am going to
do whatever it takes to fix this relationship.

395
00:32:30.400 --> 00:32:36.960
I am going to make it work. Also, social sensitivity, people

396
00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:43.359
with high empathy. Empathy, being
kind and compassionate means that you're easily targeted

397
00:32:43.359 --> 00:32:47.759
by a psychopath. And guess what
this is often genetic. I read about

398
00:32:47.759 --> 00:32:53.559
that My mother was highly empathetic.
She was a caring, loving mother,

399
00:32:54.400 --> 00:33:00.559
and she often underestimated how dangerous people
would be. One time, as a

400
00:33:00.640 --> 00:33:04.119
kid, coming back going we were
gonna staying in a hotel because we were

401
00:33:04.119 --> 00:33:06.079
moving, and there was a guy
in the lobby who asked me if I

402
00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:08.279
wanted to ride in his convertible car. And I ran away and ran to

403
00:33:08.359 --> 00:33:10.680
her and said, Mom, there's
a guy. Well, you never know.

404
00:33:10.759 --> 00:33:14.000
He could have been a nice man, and he could have been just

405
00:33:14.119 --> 00:33:16.400
wanting to give you a nice ride
in that red convertible. Why you always

406
00:33:16.400 --> 00:33:22.079
think bad about people? Right,
That's how I was raised. Also,

407
00:33:22.400 --> 00:33:28.279
women who have high attachment, the
ones who fall in love deeply and attach

408
00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:32.359
closely. Oh, we're suckers for
those social paths who love bomb us.

409
00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:40.279
Also, you're a kind person and
you have great concern for other people,

410
00:33:40.839 --> 00:33:46.319
meaning that you would never want to
hurt anybody, including the person who's hurting

411
00:33:46.359 --> 00:33:52.000
you. In fact, we rationalize
it and we say, oh, they

412
00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:55.039
had a bad childhood. I'm going
to kill them with kindness. I'm going

413
00:33:55.079 --> 00:33:59.319
to crush them with love. I'm
going to turn them around and they'll see

414
00:33:59.319 --> 00:34:02.759
that if I just of them enough
that somehow they will believe in me and

415
00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:07.519
believe in this relationship and believe in
love. That's what we do. Because

416
00:34:07.559 --> 00:34:15.119
we're kind. We also tend to
have high morals. High morals, that's

417
00:34:15.119 --> 00:34:19.920
who psychopaths seek out women who won't
leave because it's immoral to do that.

418
00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:24.280
Oh, I had a caller like
that recently. All right, if this

419
00:34:24.320 --> 00:34:27.960
sounds like you, I want to
make sure I put a plug in for

420
00:34:28.039 --> 00:34:31.519
the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Whether
it's physical violence or emotional violence, you

421
00:34:31.559 --> 00:34:36.400
need to give them a call.
The number is eight hundred seven ninety nine

422
00:34:36.760 --> 00:34:39.760
safe. That's eight hundred seven nine
nine seven two three three, Or go

423
00:34:39.840 --> 00:34:45.320
to the hotline dot org. Or
go see a psychotherapist as I did,

424
00:34:45.800 --> 00:34:47.840
and get yourself healed. I have
a great relationship now, by the way,

425
00:34:47.880 --> 00:34:52.039
I love my Julio, and it's
so wonderful to be with a man

426
00:34:52.079 --> 00:34:55.280
who's not dominant, who just loves
me to death anyway, I'm always here

427
00:34:55.320 --> 00:34:59.800
every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You can also follow me on my

428
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.760
social media. I am doctor Wendy
Walsh. Thanks so much for being with

429
00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:08.159
me on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

430
00:35:09.920 --> 00:35:13.800
You've been listening to doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on

431
00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:17.039
k f I am six forty from
seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime

432
00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:20.239
on demand on the iHeartRadio app

