The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family
therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is
Chayo with you in jewel. We started very good Monday, very good start
of week. I hope things have been extraordinarily good for you. Today we
are going to talk about that part that can lead us to so mutual work
of the children, the crying, but I also want to invite them to
send me through social networks, to this question, rather this invitation that I
asked them to ask your son how he feels loved. What does what you
do make him feel loved? No, he knows you love him. Eh,
because maybe I' ll say yes if you feel loved through what things
you do and what other things you would like you to do to feel loved,
because the intention is that tomorrow we can give your children a voice through
you. Evidently, with these questions that I started to put from yesterday,
that we are going to strengthen today so that tomorrow we will do a program
in which you give your children and that can help many families to give voice
to children how they live to feel loved, because there are so many things
that you can do, because you love them, but not necessarily they,
they feel loved when you do that. So we' re going to integrate
you here tomorrow in this Child' s Day program through you. So cheer
up. Ask them if we' re going to see what' s going
on. And well, the crying, the crying, the tantrums what we
have to understand from the crying And what we have to understand from the tantrum,
although you would say good, for it is much more crying, much
more scandalous and much stronger. But no, but they won' t see
how we' re going to differentiate and, above all, how we can
accompany that process. Someone in the question he asked told me the crying is
not controlled, the crying is accompanied. And yes, but let' s
see what tears come along. Because, without a doubt, even if we
don' t want them to stop crying, because it' s the expression
of emotions. It' s also important to understand that just as we control
our emotions, and that doesn' t give me the right to hit the
one next door or snatch things or make a mess. Yes, without having
to stop crying and expressing the emotion, we must learn to have control of
the emotion, containment of the emotion. And that' s very important because
we educate adults, we relate to them, particularly school dads, those extra
- school teachers, who are consistently with them grandparents, when they' re
taking care of them. Anyway. So we need to understand what and how
and in what way you can somehow understand the process and know how. It
is educated, because, like all other behaviors, crying in particular is educated.
And the first question that would arise here. It is always that a
child cries is crying for the expression of an emotion and the answers are not.
Sometimes you do cry for one we have in particular, but sometimes you
cry for tiredness. And tiredness is not an emotion, it is a physical
and or mental state of the person. So be careful, because whenever we
think of emotion, coupled with crying, we think of suffering. So another
question is whenever a child weeps is suffering, because we have very much associated
the idea that suffering and suffering and crying are equivalent. Adults know and note
adults too that you can take crying even because you are moved by tenderness,
for example, by something very tender, by something that causes you immense joy
and moves you to the insides. A person can cry. Yes, it
is true that the vast majority of times is associated with emotions or responses to
situations that we do not like. And it' s very important to understand
this when a little boy is growing up because not every time a child cries
is suffering. However, it is a sign of discomfort. I mean,
most of the time it' s gonna be a sign of discomfort. There
are very sensitive children who can be touched by something and shed a tear,
but that is usually a process that is going to evolve with more years of
entry. At the outset, what has to help us to be able to
relate to crying is to understand that crying is nothing but suffering. Crying is
that form of expression that has a human being without language and we do not
pretend that crying disappears from people' s lives. In fact, crying is
necessary and useful for crying. And you will say chayo that silly you just
said no good, is that crying would normally have to stay in the life
of a human being to express an emotion when the words are not enough,
to be able to explain that there are now older people one another and there
is nothing particular about it and there is nothing wrong with it, as long
as that crying accompanies an expression that people have to be able to communicate through
hugs, caresses, details, rapprochement with the other and, of course,
language. What' s wrong with you, how you feel, and being
able to get a wider language so I can tell you what' s happening
to me. Many of the times, what happens with babies, for example,
with small children is that they end up crying because they have a great
frustration because they don' t have enough vocabulary to express what happens. They
don' t know how or don' t have the variety of language so
they can tell what' s wrong with them. But yes. It is
very important that we who are around a little boy can recognize the crying ask
us what gave rise to the crying, because it is not the same as
a child weeps because you said no to something that he asked you, that
you told him to stop an activity that gave him pleasure, because it is
time to do another activity that is not so rewarding and then he cries?
That' s why a child who cries because something hurts, not a child
who cries like he reacts that he fell, for example, or someone hits
him and then cries. I mean, there are different circumstances that are giving
rise to a child' s crying. We have to be sensitive to crying.
Yeah, but no. That does not imply that we need to intervene
every time in the same way in the face of that crying. In this
context that we cry for different reasons, one that is very important to me
that we understand is when we cry for discomfort, that is, it is
not the same the suffering that causes pain and that, without any doubt one
will always seek, both in the life of an adult and in the life
of a child, to help to get out of suffering. That is without
a doubt, because suffering is not desirable, it is inevitable on many occasions
and we have to accompany it. For example, if a child hurts a
lot, it gets more fatal than a pain and ends up having the appendix,
because if yes, it did. But, well, we' re
gonna do everything to make that right. But on many occasions, although it
also has to do with emotions, they do not involve suffering, they imply
frustration, for example, impilcan inconformity, they imply impossibility. To say what
I think sometimes I know is that I like it and you took it away
from me and a child is going to cry and we have to learn to
do an intervention on two different levels. One is the validation of emotion as
such and the other is that, so that you don' t cry,
then I give you the palette that I told you that you couldn' t
eat before the meal. Or I start feeding him because he' s crying.
And then, by the time she wakes up, I' ve got
her hot milk ready so she won' t cry for five minutes of discomfort
in what I have her food ready, because there, far from being helping
and educating, we' re hurting the way she wants the ball and I
don' t give her the ball and then she cries because she wants to
play football longer and she can' t because it' s time to do
the homework. She' s gonna cry because I told her she has to
go in and bathe and she doesn' t feel like it. He'
s gonna cry and then we make kids intolerant to discomfort. And that'
s where we have to be careful, because sometimes this part generates a lot
of noise, because there are people who listen to it and tell me no
But it' s that bond. But it is to accompany the crying.
But it' s just that you don' t have to watch me wait
for one thing is that I tell him I understand that you' re very
angry because you have to turn off your video game to take a bath and
you don' t feel like it. And I get it. And another
is that in order not to cry, to grant it or to gain time
of more pleasant activity, because there I am going to begin to distort in
a very important way everything that has to do with adaptation to life. Then
abused, what is expected. What is expected is that to the extent that
a child learns to develop language, then he or she is less in need
of crying. That' s what we expect. So when we see an
eight- or nine- year- old crying too easily or for all things
or things that sometimes wouldn' t merit, because we' d expect that
by the age of eight he' d already developed more capacity to tolerate discomfort.
We say oh, please, he' s already crying. Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh. It' s just that it even bothers.
On the other hand, if we see a three- year- old
crying, it' s going to move us. We' re gonna get
closer and what happened, my love, what' s wrong with you,
but what happened to you? But let' s see, explain to me,
but let' s see why they generate even in one as an adult,
a different reaction. If a little boy whom we would still consider appropriate
for the crying to accompany him. And that doesn' t mean we'
re nullifying emotions and we' re avoiding emotions and we' re repressing children.
It is an educational process of lekes pressure that at a given moment is
given and that was not for so long that we can leave it and we
are going to go seeing techniques of how we approach this to this process,
but let us learn and understand that yes a child who cries too much even
for his age or even when it would still be reasonable for him to cry
will generate this feeling of ay it cannot be that again he is crying,
because also I say it a little in joke. But if you want to
torture someone, put a child crying around that doesn' t shut up.
I' ve even come to comment that if they want to make someone talk
and confess the net of the planet, they lock him up with a crying
child and you' re going to see how at some point he' s
going to end up telling you what you want to know as long as you
get him out of there, because it' s not an expression he likes.
You can turn even disquieting for the person who is together and in that
tenor I always tell you. The only person not crying that gives us immense
taste is crying when a baby is born because it tells us that it is
breathing. Other than that, the truth is that most of the time we
won' t like him crying. But neither as an adult, you can
let yourself be kidnapped by the crying of a child and then do what the
child wants, because on the way the result can be very unfortunate, something
that is very important to understand today that we are devoting to this program to
crying and, therefore, from there the tantrum will be derived