Previously on Oops all Bards. The Bards still aboard the train to Talbertsava,
with Acting Secretary of War Gideon's storm caller, decide to split up and see
if they can determine the cause of the train's abrupt stop. Bell and Keulonia
narrowly escape an encounter with a mimic in the first class dining car before proceeding
further back. Convinced there is some malice afoot, Clarice reveals her portable hole,
which I can assure you is not a euphemism, and tries to get
Gideon to hide inside, eventually convincing him. With help from Critatio, Andrik
escorts the porter Higgins to the engine and asks the engineer an assistant engineer,
about what happened to make the train stop. The engineer conveys to Andrik that
they saw something on the tracks and stopped out of an abundance of caution.
The assistant engineer steps outside and walks along the tracks to further investigate, but
seems not to see anything that would keep the train from continuing on, so
upon his return, the train starts rolling again, Andrik escorts Higgins back to
the first class car, but when Higgins sees Gideon attempting to hide to the
hole, He reveals his true intentions and attempts to attack the acting secretary.
Meanwhile, Bell and Kelonian enter the kitchen car, only to be immediately attacked.
Kelonian takes knives to both shoulders before putting his assailant, also dresses a
porter to sleep. The duo ties up the so called porter with his own
belt so that when he wakes he'll be at least temporarily unable to attack them
again. Andrik, deciding his companions have the fight against Higgins under control,
heads back up the train and investigates the porter room, where he finds hastily
stashed street clothes and muddy boots, as well as the coal car, where
he discovers a water barrel that probably has a dead body inside. He returns
to the first class car just in time to be attacked by Higgins. However,
Higgins is not performed well in this fight against the bars and is soon
killed by a strong kick from Critatio. Once the dust of their encounter settles,
Clarice and Andric head back toward the first class dining car, where they
find the same mimic Bell and Keloonian had his scaped earlier, this duo is
not so lucky, and Clarice is severely injured by the toothed table before eventually
killing the mimic, escaping to the kitchen car with a portion of the beast's
tongue affixed to our back. Will the bards get to the bottom of what's
happening on the train? Will Clarice survive her wounds or succumb There's still much
more of the train to explore, and all she'll be revealed soon. You
wanted monsters all slain by their betters, but you ain't seen nothing like arts
and letters. Look who has answered the cry of distress? Oops it saw
Barns. Oh what a mess. You think we're a joke, But in
truth, we're all in. We fight like we learned in in books,
because we did. We all survived college with charismaime agressive. Oops, it's
all birds, and yes it's excessive. If you're still confused, we'll explain
to you. Thus there's nobody left, so that's why they call us.
We'll fight or we'll otherwise roll for successes. Oops, it's all birds.
We hope that addresses all that you have to know to enjoy listening to our
all Bard party sent off on a mission. How it goes? Well,
We're sure you can guess. Oops, it's all bars. Oh Andrew Harrol.
Hold, you're a Bell Tsunamio, Flatwy Colonial Stumps, Saluver College,
clari sour Cloud's Palmage Hall, Cretaceo Thundersigh Sluver College. Welcome to Oops al
Bard's the actual play podcast that does what it says on the box. I'm
your host and game master, Jillian Ashley Blair IVY. But if you call
me anything other than Jill, you should know that I screened my calls.
Bards. Please introduce yourselves. Hi. I'm tatesen Hadas and I play Cretasio
thunder Thigh. Hi. I'm Anne Coleman and I play Clarice souer Cloud.
Hello, Ashley Banks playing Bell Scenamio. Hi, I'm Ross Curry and I
play Andrich Harrowhold. This is Bob Kellyan, I play Keonian Stumps, and
I'm Nate Runkle, the producer who may have let Google AI introduce me since
I do not speak in this episode. Okay, let's do a quick recap
of what happened in the last episode Bell and Kelonian, you encountered a mimic
in the first class dining car and basically noped out of that situation. After
magically warning the other bards about the mimics presence Andrick, you escorted the porter
Higgins to the front of the train to try and find out from the engineers
what may the train stop. While you were doing that, Clarice, you
produced the portable hole, which I don't think I will ever be able to
say with a straight face. And then you and Critasio tried to convince Gideon
to climb into the hole and fake escape by making it look like he climbed
out the windows. Critatio you tried to force the windows open, and then
Clarice realized they just needed to slide, no force, no magic required.
Gideon finally agreed to climb down into the hole, and so then we flashed
back to what Andrek and Higgins were doing, which was basically trying to find
out from the comically mismatched Goblin engineer and Goliath assistant engineer what made the train
stop. The engineers explained that they had seen something on the tracks, but
when the Goliath stepped out to investigate, he didn't really see anything there,
So it was fine for the train to start moving again, andrek You and
Higgins headed back to the first class car. But when Higgins saw Gideon trying
to hide in the hole, he attacked and revealed his true colors. Then
there was a lot of fighting that was basically exactly what you'd expect from a
bunch of bards and one middle aged monk who are having a fight on a
train, completed with a big magical hole in the aisle, andrek You basically
said you got this to your compatriots and set back up the train to investigate
the porter car and the coal car. In the porter car you found some
clothes and muddy booths that had clearly been stashed in a hurry, And then
in the coal car you found a porter's uniform buried amongst the coal, and
determined that a water bottle that you rattled probably had a body in it.
And so then you got back to the first class car basically just in time
for Cotatio to kill Higgins by kicking him into the hole. Bell and Keloonian
you had headed down to the kitchen car after you escaped the mimic, but
you weren't exactly stealthy about it, so when Kilonian walked in first, he
wound up with a kitchen knife in each shoulder, which was thrown by another
person in a porter uniform. Kilonian, You, once you got into combat,
decided to recite a hikup to cast sleep on the porter because you didn't
have your guitar with you. And then you and Bell, once the porter
was unconscious, looked for something that you could tie him up with, and
eventually just decided to use his own belt, Clari's and Andrik you loved Critassio
and Gideon and also Higgins's dead body, so that you could catch up with
Bell and Keylonian. Even though you knew that there was a mimic in the
next car, you weren't as lucky as they were, and you did have
an encounter with it. Although you eventually triumphed Clarice, you took quite a
bit of damage. And now you have the mimic severed tongue stuck to your
back, and I think that catches us up. So let's get back to
the kitchen car. Andrik and Clarice have just passed their acrobatics checks to move
smoothly between the first class dighting car. In the kitchen car, you see
an unconscious porter at the far end of the car who seems to have been
tied up. Wrists are bound with a belt. I don't know, Bell,
did you hogtie him or the wrists and ankles all tied up with the
same belt. I feel like, yes, yeah, I feel like she
wasn't going to risk him being able to get up and wander off. Yeah,
And I'm not gonna make you roll for that. I feel like there
is some part of recreational activity that Bell has participated in that makes her pretty
decent at tying knots. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Also,
I do feel in my soul and you can this can be valid or not
that Belle found as sharpie and wrote bad guy on his forehead. I'm super
okay with that. Yes, yeah, Just in case there was any ambiguity,
there were probably sharpies in the walk in, because you know, chefs
use sharpiees to like label this is the chicken stock, and this is the
beef stock, and this is the tallow and so like, yeah, I
feel like we didn't We didn't say it explicitly, but it's not unreasonable that
you would have found a sharpie yeah, and I feel like Belle would be
like, if if this person gets up like this, this is Bell being
very very clever. Right, if this person gets out of this belt,
wakes up and he's wandering around, they're not gonna immediately know that they've been
labeled. I love it. I love it, so roll. We're not
going to roll for Shabari. But Clarice and Andrik, you have come across
this unconscious but beginning to stir Porter, who's tied up with the words bad
guy written across his forehead and sharpie in what is clearly Bell's handwriting, because
we've established before that Bell has very distinctive handwriting. Otherwise, there is this
entire kitchen before you, where there may or may not be other things that
are useful to you food stuff, so if you are hungry, but obviously
you're kind of in a hurry right now, so up to you to decide
what you are doing while you are in this kitchen. Looks like Bell's been
here, Yeah, she done did, yes, and I'm sure she's getting
herself into trouble. Let's go find her. Do you see a med kit
or anything in here? Because I'm all a little banged up and you know,
anything that I could use to get this tongue off me would be great.
And we're calling back to the kitchen at the Harrow hold it. Of
course there must be some kind of medical kit. This is a kitchen roll
an investigation check, which I'm not in the room. But also like,
there's probably knives if you want to just chop the tongue off. Yeah,
yeah, there there definitely our knives. Some of the knives were thrown at
Kiloonian, but Klodian pulled them out of his shoulders. So there are a
couple of prep bloody knives on the ground, but there are also plenty of
other knives. Yeah. So so Andrik or Clarice, I would say,
I mean Clarice just asked Andrek if he sees so maybe let's do Andrek investigation
check with advantage twenty three nineteen plus four. Yeah. So over one of
the sinks that seems to be like the burn unit, you see that there
had been certainly space where there were first aid kits, but they have been
removed. I will also tell you that with your twenty three let me go
back over to the correct sheet here just a moment, okay. I will
also tell you that with your twenty three you notice down below that cabinet a
bunch of grapes that are just sitting there on a plate. And you know
from your experience with magical training that sometimes foods can have healing abilities. Seems
that the first aid kits have been purged. But grapes, grapes? Uh
what, someone has stripped this kitchen of the first aid kids. So maybe
a little sugar picked me up. Yeah, Okay, is gonna eat half
a grape. She's gonna take a half bite to see if it hurts her.
Nothing happens, She's gonna take a bunch of grapes since she's gonna just
start walking along the train munching on some grapes. Okay, how many grapes
do you think that you've grabbed? I think then that I've grabbed is probably
twelve. But I don't think I'm eating all of them right away. I
think I'm still sort of like, you know, half at a time,
waiting to see if it happens to me. So I will tell you that
as you eat each half of a grape, you don't really notice much.
By the time you've had five whole grapes, you start to notice that maybe
you're feeling a bit stronger. At ten grapes, you've regained one hit point.
Thank you much. You're welcome. So if you need to go back
and grab some more grapes while this porter is in the process of waking up,
feel free too. You can. There are forty more grapes still on
that platter. I might eat them all. Okay, it's five hit points
restored for you. Funny thing with the all Bard party symptimes. I just
have to like sneak some things that heal into the background. With a high
enough investigation check or a daring enough Bard you might find more things. Just
wait till season two when we have oopsol barbarians. Oh god, okay,
so okay, So Clarese is now healed for five hit points. The porter
down at the end of the car is very much awake and kind of struggling
against his restraints. What would you two like to do at this point?
Is it possible to like do some kind of I'll say, non lethal blow
to trying to just get this person back unconscious. Do you have sleep or
another spell or do you want to just try if we can try to calnck
him over the head. Yeah, I would. I would rather just like
even like either with the butt of a dagger or my sword. Just like
I know, I know Bell's handwriting, and I can see bad guy,
and despite Bells in my differences, I trust when she writes bad guy on
someone's forehead. But I'm not just gonna kill someone who's tied up and not
a threat. So okay, so you're just you're basically rolling for non lethal
damage. But it's the same mechanic, right, So am I doing unarmed
strike or yeah, unarmed strike? Yeah, I mean if you're using the
bunt or the butt end of your sword, so we're gonna call it an
unarm strike. It's just brill it with advantage because there's like a weight well,
and he's prone, so that's also avanage on them. So just roll
it with advantage. Uh, twenty one hits. And again I'm not trying
to do lethal damage, so I don't know if you want me to roll
anything. Roll we're gonna we're gonna do half damage on this since you're going
for non lethal all right, So it's it's one D four plus two have
that's three half deb one point of damage. Okay, So he's down unconscious
again. We're going to say that this will buy you it's from being conked
on the head. We're going to say this will buy you five minutes.
It's it's non magical. Sleep mine anything else that you feel like you need
to do in the in the train, in the kitchen car. I mean,
Andrew, that was great, Claricus, how are you. I'm okay,
I'm okay, okay, okay, We're going to go find Bell now.
All right, so we're going to flash into the coach dining car where
Belle colonial and I will need you both to roll your acrobatics checks to see
if you had moved into that car safely. Sixteen you passed, thirteen you
passed. You're both good. So you're in the car a minute or two
ahead of your compatriots. So you get a couple of minutes there to yourselves
in the coach dining car. What do you want to do? I mean,
what do we see? What's the in the coach dining car. There
are a couple of passengers who seem a bit dazed. They had maybe gone
for some late night coffee or snacks. It's more to think of like the
Amtrak snack car. So where's the first class dining car look more like a
restaurant. This is more like a you know, fast food sort of like
grab a grab a s which that's prepackaged, grab a coffee, something along
those lines, and sit in one of the booths. So you are in
the coach dining car. Most of the coach dining car is occupied by four
top booths. Right in about the center of the car, there is a
food counter. There is nobody working behind the food counter. They're about half
a dozen other people in the coach car. They all seem kind of dazed.
They'd been in here when the train abruptly stopped and had already been confused
in trying to figure out what was going on, and now that the train
is moving again without any sort of announcement or apology or update, they're even
more confused. Quick question, So when we went into the other dining car,
it like everything was everywhere, not just from like it seemed like not
just from the train stopping suddenly, but also like maybe somebody ransacked it.
No, everything was everywhere from the train stopping because you and again Clarice had
briefly been in there before. He'd been in there for a couple of seconds
before the train stops, so you had enough of an opportunity to see when
it was not a first class dining car. It was just like beautiful white
tablecloth set up with china and crystal and silverware. So things are less overturned
here by nature of things being bolted before. Yes, yeah, this is
like the seating. There is boots and tables that are mounted to the floor
and the wall, so there aren't going to be any overturned tables. There's
not you know, they're not pre set with dishes and silverware, so there's
not going to be a bunch of stuff that's just in disarray. If you
go over to the snack counter, you might see that there are some some
things that have been jostled around, some things that have been overturned. There
is a puddle of what had probably been pretty hot coffee on the floor.
But you also don't see anybody there who seems to be burned, so it's
not like it fell over onto somebody. Cool And you said, the people
seem kind of like dazed, are they kind of looking around They're trying to
figure out what's going on. Yeah, they're really confused. By the fact
that, first of all, the train stopped so abruptly, so they all
got kind of shaken up a little bit. They all they all took the
same damage that you did, the bludgeting damage from the train stopping and them
slimming into the furniture. Some of them probably spilled some food on their laps
or you know, on their shirts, that sort of thing. And now
the train is moving again, but they're the engineers or the conductors didn't make
any sort of announcements, porters haven't been through to check on them, so
there's some like murmuring talking amongst themselves. They're trying to just figure out what's
going on. Nobody is hurt to the extent that they're like actually stunned or
in shock. They're just trying in the middle of the night, they wanted
coffee and now something is going on on the train and they don't know what.
Cool Bell is going to just sort of like flash a brilliant smile at
everybody and be like, hi, everyone, just wandering. Have any of
you seen a porter or maybe somebody that looks like a porter anytime? Really
during this whole trip, they're mostly just going to stare at you blankly and
shake their heads. If you're not asking anybody specifically, you're not going to
get You're not going to get a whole lot of information out of them.
I mean the general shaking of heads. I feel like is a vibe.
Okay, Keelonian is going to say, oh, ye had some he's a
bumpy stop there is anyone in need of medical attention. This like one kind
of elderly half elf is going to raise a hand and say, like,
I spilled some coffee on my lap. Let's see what we can do about
that. Are you Are you going to like approach him and try to examine
the per Okay, yes, I will do a medicine check. I presume
yes. All right, twenty one. You'll have to take his pants off
to see this. Well, I'm a medical professional, yeah, keeping a
profresson. So he's wearing he's just wearing like khakis. He's dressed like everybody's
grandpa. You can see there's a coffee stand on his lap. When you
pull the pants down. His thighs are a little red, but they're not
like severely burned. It is nothing that can't be taken care of with a
couple of ice cubes. All right, Well he looks like you're okay,
you donate any immedia medical attention. I would say, you put a little
bit of ice on it and you'll be feeling better real soon. Is there
any ice? Can Bell find ice behind? Yes? Snackstand? Yeah you
can, you can certainly. Look. I will tell you we established in
the kitchen that this is this is a pre refrigeration era, that there are
ice boxes. So there would be like behind the snackstand there would be like
a probably a box or a bucket of shaved ice that came off of a
large ice cube. Great, so Bell's gonna hop over the counter and help
hersolve to some ice and put it in a like wrap it in a cloth
and then pass it to Kilonian. Great, Oh, thank you very much,
belle, How very kind here you are, sir, thank you.
And he's just gonna like he's not gonna pull his pants back up, He's
just gonna like sit there with the ice on his lap. You Doddy's that's
the only person who indicated that they were hurt, and like, honestly,
probably he was one of the less hurt people in the car. But nobody
else feels like they are hurt enough to require medical attention. I'd also like
to used press to digitation on his pants. Okay, you can instantly instantaneously
clean or so ill on an object no larger than one cubic foot. So
I'm just gonna clean the coffee. Great, thank you, young lady.
That was very kind of you. Bell's gonna say it's my pleasure and then
give him a big thumbs up and a grin. He's gonna give you like
he's got really shaky old hands, and he's just gonna like give you this
very unsteady thumbs up. And when he smiles at you, you see that
he's missing several teeth. Aw, you remind me of my dad. No,
no, we've all met. We've all met. It definitely has all
of his teeth because he is he does eat. We saw your dad eating.
Yes, yes, he also is not shaky or old because he's an
Asimir. So so there's rarely no resemblance except the Bell has just decided,
all right, as as you are tending to this this elderly half elf,
Clarice and Andrick are going to, I assume come onto this coach dining car,
so you'll both need to roll acrobatics checks dirty twenty. I rolled a
non natural twenty, but I also have advantage, so if I need more
than that, I can do. Oh no, you're you're good. You
like you did a little like hop skip and a job, even though you're
still a bit injured. You just like hop right over it. As tiny
as you are, no problem for you. Andrick, what do you roll?
Also a dirty twenty? Great? You lightly follow behind Clarice. So
now you are also in the coach dining car. You've seen basically what I've
described already to Kiloonian and Bell. All right, so Clarice and Andrik,
what would you like to do now now that the four of you are together?
A good work Bell on that bad guy, Thank you, Colonian.
Any chance you could help me it with some healing? Oh certainly. Oh
question, is the tongue still attached? Yeah, amazing. Bell's gonna go
over and poke it. Even though the mimic is dead, the tongue still
has a little bit of life in it. So when you poke it,
the tongue just kind of flicks a little bit. Bell's gonna go ooh,
and then she's gonna poke it again. It flicks at you again. This
is gonna keep repeating. Clarice is unsurprised and accepts this with no question.
Well, this is real, horrifying, Clarice. Let me see what I
can do to help you out here. I picked up some healing supplies in
the previous car, so let me see if I can give you a little
bit of help here. Let's see, as an action, I can spend
one use of a healer's kit to tend to a creature and restore D six
plus four hit points plus additional hit points equal to the creature's maximum number of
hit die. The creature can regain each P. The creature can't regain each
P from this feat again until it finishes a shorter long rest. Okay.
I like to think that the first half of that was just Colony and himself,
just like I'm going to try to help you. Yes, here's what
I can do for you. Yeah, all right, So so roll your
roll your healing all right. So seven h seven hit points plus uh your
number of hit die, which I think for us is what four. I'm
actually back. I'm back at full So don't extend a hit dice. Okay,
thank you, right, great, So you cannot be healed again with
a healing kit until after you've had a rest. Yes, but I put
you're back at full health. And as you you stand up and you're feeling
all better, the tongue falls off of you and just is flat on the
floor. And your back might be a little slimy from it, but there's
no longer anything attached to you. Belle's gonna press thee Clarice's back. Gotta
love those cantrips. Yeah, just assuming you don't want to be slimy,
good looking out bill, anything else like, now that we've taken the scene,
anything suspicious in this room? Oh, why don't you ll me an
insight check garbage? Okay. I love that your your dice actually give you
instructions rather than just numbers four plus. It doesn't matter, okay. Larise
is gonna look at the faces of the people in the car, and she's
gonna look to see if she recognizes any of them, just like pure history.
But also she's looking at apparel because we're headed towards a military installation.
She wants to see if she sees any indications of rank or enlistment. In
addition to the elderly half elf who is sitting there with his pants pulled down
and some ice on his lap. You see three people who are dressed kind
of as merchants sitting at one of the boots, and you also see two
kenkup uh. Clarice is gonna walk up to the genku. The kenku are
both going to interrupt their conversation, which was taking place through song lyrics,
and they're going to look at you. I'm gonna say, hi, I'm
gonna say some options to you and let me know if any of them apply.
They both give you a thumbs up. So option one, you're okay
from the train stopping. Option two, you're not okay from the train stopping.
Option three, you have questions. They kind of tilt their head to
look at you to make sure that you're finished. Sorry, yeah, let
me be more clear. Please repeat the relevant phrase. I'm okay, I'm
not okay. I have questions. I have questions. Okay, I'm gonna
give you some additional options, friends, I have questions about the train,
I have questions about other things. Do either of those apply? They just
both hold up one finger to indicate it was the first one. Okay,
friends, I have not seen any porters who actually work here. All of
the porters I have seen have been masquerading. We have ascertained that the engineer
and assistant engineer are just doing their jobs. They don't seem to be a
problem. We were up in the engine room. This guy right back here.
Clarie's points at Andrik saw a thing that was not corporeal and it went
away. Are you are you talking to them in this voice? You sound
like a movie cop. Yeah. I have a habit of changing my behavior
as needed. Okay, so the ken Ku are going to look at you,
and then look back at each other, and then look at you.
They're gonna go, hey, what's going on? Clarice is unsurprised because she
has encountered kin Koo before. Uh, and she's gonna say, well,
I'm sure you've heard about the return of Melville. I suspect that there are
bad actors trying to stop this trainings progress. I have no evidence for this.
Uh, it's just a hunch. But is the presence of people trying
to kill you would count as evidence? Well, I'm bad. I was
about to say thank you Cretatio from three cars away with you. Okay.
This is a tage interjection part of the game. It's I'm just I'm just
chilling with my uncle. We'll check back in with you in a couple of
minutes. One of the who says, it's been a while. I believe
that it is because we do have my uncle. You may be familiar with
our secretary for Gideon storm Collar. They both nod he is traveling on this
train on an important mission. And I believe that was the interruption. I
would just say, take care of each other, and be sure not to
trust any porters, because thus far they have all been jerks. All right,
They'll they'll look at you and and kind of nod their heads into shrug
and then Clarius is gonna say, I'm gonna present you with some actions,
and then I'm gonna be all my way. Are you okay for now?
If so, say I am okay, I I am okay? Great,
be well did you did you? So? Nobody can see this because we're
in an audio medium, but Clarice just saluted, so they are going to,
like very confusedly salute you back. Yep, that's that's the play.
Okay. You want to make things that they're talking to a combination cop and
military official. I mean you are on your way, like the next the
next stop, Actually, yeah it is. It's the next stop on the
train is Tabertava, which is where the military base is. So it's not
unreasonable that there would be an MP on board. It's tiny, little person,
young person dress and civilian clothes. Probably not the sort of MP they're
used to talk in talking to her encountering, but it's possible. And maybe
that's the point just just above table. Clarice's motivation here is to try to
make sure that the people within this car don't get on the wrong side of
this conflict. So she's just trying to make sure that people feel supported,
cared for, and like I'm a friend, just in case I come back
running through and say vun. Yeah. Kelonian is interested in addressing the car
to sort of give them an update and make people, you know, hopefully
feel maybe a little bit less frightened. All right, go for it,
Okay, listen up, everybody. We've encountered a difficult situation here on the
train. It seems that many of the porters are not who they claim to
be, are not porters on this train at all. Now, I don't
want you all to be scared and worried. I would say, they seem
to be after something on the train, so if you encounter them, please
keep your distance and stay away and hopefully they won't bother you. But we're
going to try to figure out what's going on here on the train. However,
if one of the porters comes to you and says something portery that you're
supposed to do, take that with some skepticism and just try to avoid them
as much as possible, and I will do whatever check you would recommend to
assure them. I don't know if that's like a performance check, persuasion check
persuasion Okay, yeah, nineteen. They all nod at you, and they
are inclined to listen to you. Oh right, Belle is also nodding,
Belle. Belle is also nodding. Anything else that you want to do this,
I would like to do a check to see if anybody seems a little
sus okay, so do an insight check. Oh the thing I'm so good
at. Whoop? Not twenty okay for a total of twenty one. So
there are only they're the six people in the car. There's the elderly half
elf who you and Kilonian helped with his non burn. There're those two kenkup
who Clarice has been talking to, and then there are the three people who
are dressed like merchants who are sitting at a table all kind of they're all
talking and they're kind of turned in toward each other to avoid anybody really being
able to hear them or read their lips. So would you say they're looking
a little saus I would say that that behavior is certainly a bit sus cool
bell. Is there anything else that I get from I just want to molk
that net. One of them is has a briefcase that's like on the it's
not in the aisle, but it's sitting on the bench. So there are
two of them on one side, one on the other. The one who's
sitting by themselves has a briefcase. On that brief case you see the words
varga Beatina's rare goods. And when they notice you walking toward them, they're
going to pick up that briefcase and turn it around so that the lettering is
facing toward them. And now you see the lettering on the other side,
which says Vargabatina's antiques. So there's a clear distinction between how they define rare
goods and how they define antiques? Cool? Cool? Cool? Would I
recognize the brand or anything about the Beatina? No, No, I didn't
think so, but eyes thought I checked. I'm going to go over and
I'm going to put on my mor mist smile if you say, are they
all are? What kind of what makeup of pronouns? Do we think?
So there is somebody who is female presenting, somebody who's male presenting, and
the person with the briefcase is a bit more androgynous? Great? Uh,
so Baltana will go over and say, hello, distinguished merchants. I just
wanted to check in with you and see you know how things are going.
Are you okay? Did you spill any coffee? Just you know, checking
in because the porters aren't you know what I mean? Then, and the
one who had the briefcase is going to look at you be like, yeah,
we're fine, We're fine, We're fine. Cool, cool, cool.
So I'm sure you heard my friend Cailonian is like super helpful and informative
speech, but I just wanted to reach out to you personally see if you
have any questions or concerns that we can address, or anything we can help
you with would you like me to get you a snack? And I don't
know if maybe I can do like a persuasion or just to like get them
to maybe trust me a little bit more. You know what I'm saying,
like not being met with suspicion, and you get what I'm saying, like
she's just trying to be warm and welcoming and irresistibly charming. Yeah, I
think that you can do a performance check to see if you can win them
over nineteen. So with the nineteen, the one who had the briefcase will
look up at you and be like, suddenly very just like notices who you
are and be like, you look very familiar to me. Are you?
Oh my god, are you a turrenomial. Bell's gonna just give her megawatt
wide smile and say yes I am. Oh my goodness, thank you so
much for noticing. And she's you gonna like flipper hair. So the the
male presenting merchant across the booth is going to stick out a hand to you,
shake it very enthusiastically, assuming you you accept. I'm caste. Oh
whaley, it is so nice to meet the sirrenomio. You have no idea
how many times I've tried to make appointments with your family. Oh, you
know, I am so sorry about that. You know, it's just it's
very hard there. We're all very very busy. But you know, now
I've met you, and do you have a card or something I can see
if I can try to fit you in. He's going to press digitate,
just kind of like gesture, and a card is going to appear, and
it's going to say Caste O Whaley's Antiquities on it, but there's no address
or other contact information. So she's gonna take that and she's gonna be so
is there like a I rip it and you peer kind of thing or invisible
number. Just just remember the name and next time I call on your family,
say something nice about me, you know I will, and I will
say that you have excellent choice in font for your business cards. And he's
gonna look at the woman next to him be like, that's all my wife's
doing. She is the designer. And the woman sitting next to him,
who is also like dress, is a merchant, much more soft spoken,
but like in a way that makes you think that perhaps she's starstruck by meeting
a Surnamio's gonna yeah, yeah, yes, yes, that I I designed
the cards. Can I get your autograph? Of course? Now she's gonna
like look around to see if there's like anything to sign. Casso's gonna pregitate
and pressI digitate another card for you and pen which you know she just has,
yes, and she's gonna be like, and who do I have the
pleasure of making this out to? Oh my god, my name is Sarah
fan Whaley. Casto's my husband. We have this business. Oh my god,
you're talking to me, yes, and you are just such a dolt.
Light. So she's just gonna she's writing a whole message while she's having
this conversation. What's your business? Tell me everything? Is it making fawn
choices for other people? Because honestly, some of the signs that I've seen
could really use your eye. I mostly I mostly do with the merchandising for
Casto's store, and then then Vargo over here. We do a lot of
business together. We both we both well, Casto and Varga procure rare goods
together, and you know, they just sometimes they just happened to there's there's
exchanges of goods and we were just all at this convention and yeah, I
mean I don't. I don't really do a whole lot. I don't know.
It sounds to me like you do a ton. Don't sell yourself short
girl. She she kind of flushes, so she's gonna finish, and she
wrote, like a cute little thing that's like keep doing what you're doing,
like lots of very vapid encouragement. And on this like tiny business card you've
just gotten. Yeah, Like there's a whole paragraph on one side, and
then on the other side it's just bell like writing right over Casto's name.
Yeah, takes up the whole space and there's a heart. Yeah, okay,
all right, yes, And then she's gonna look over at the one
with the briefcase and be do you want me to sign anything? Maybe the
briefcase or you know what. No. I try not to really like fun
over celebrities too much. I encounter quite a few in my line business,
actually, and you know, I just I feel like it's important to treat
you like your real people. Oh, I appreciate that so much, but
honestly, like you know, I'm used to it and anything, you know,
if I can make somebody stay even just a little bit, brighter.
Then why wouldn't I write to a Charisma check straight up Charisma thirteen. So
for thirteen, you see, just like the corner of Fargo's mouth kind of
like start to twitch a little bit and turn down, be like, really,
we're okay, We've got some business to discuss. It's been so lovely
meeting you, Missternomio and yeah, and just kind of like turns to close
off the circle again. Damn, I'm losing them. Oh okay, so
Bells be like, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. I don't want
to take up any more of your time. Goshion, look at me just
talking about myself inserting myself into your conversation. It's so rude and inconsiderate.
And I just really apologized. Here. Let me make it up to you.
You said you guys do like antiquities and rare stuff. We are currently
planning for the Jubilation Festival, and we were talking about having a new merchant
swing. Huh huh. So like, I don't know if maybe you guys
are interested in, you know, offering some of your wares. What are
what you know? I mean, like obviously things that are cool and rare
and unique are all what it's about? So what like more specifically though,
and Vark is gonna like I just I mostly dal in art, just just
art, just art, and what art? Lui's having heard the mention of
art, is going to look at the overhead compartments if there are any there.
There aren't because you're in the cafe car So this isn't like where they
would be like, these are not their permanent seats. This is like they
came in here to get some coffee, right, And she's just gonna look
under and around them. Besides the briefcase, is there anything that suggests they
kept it with them? Investigation checkky, thank you, Dan, you are
my favorite. I will be less your favorite because I rolled five on my
investigation check. But you tried, and that's what's important. So, yeah,
you don't for a five, You don't. You definitely don't notice Well
I will tell you you do not see any other baggage of any sort.
But you don't notice anything else either. Well, having having looked from a
distance, I'm gonna come a little closer to where Belle is talking to them,
and and I think the only keyword I heard was art. Where I
was so coming closer. I'm gonna put on again my suspicious police officer voice,
okay, and the cop bad copy to say, when you say art,
would you say that you are abiding by the legislations and specifications about what
is fair use and not, you know, dabbling in pre Malvo antiquities,
So pre pre Malvo antiquities would be like, actually very valuable. I will
tell you that when the Malvau administration fell, much like when the Soviet Union
fell, a lot of the kind of trees that were liberated kind of put
like all of the Soviet era art in parks or like specific museums, places
where they would still be accessible and viewable, but like within the context.
So all of the like pre autocracy art is it's back in museums. You're
seeing more of it. What wasn't destroyed by the administration. What is considered
contraband is the art of the Malvo period. Yeah, having asked that question,
I'm specifically avoiding the Malvo period because what I expect is that they are
maybe carrying Malvo related things, because that's the whole brand conspiracy we're dealing with.
So I'm asking about pre Malvo to determine if they're going to pass themselves
off as legitimate. Okay, real mean insight check, Okay. I just
feel like the sound clip of an antiquities is going to play on a loop
in my head rent free for at least a year. That was A twenty
three, but no nap in there. Okay, So with your twenty three
you can see that while Casto and Seraphim are pretty much unbothered by your line
of questioning, Varga's eyebrow raises and lowers very quickly, and Vargo is going
to say to you, well, I mean, yes, I I have
some clients that want pre autocracy art. I procured some before the while I
was at this convention. Most of it already has buyers lined up. And
yeah, I mean I didn't break the law or anything. All of these
are legally obtained. I've got the receipts of the certificates of sale, the
certificates of authenticity. They're all all right here. Excellent, excellent friend.
And Clarice is gonna assess on the dining car for top if there's enough room
for her to forcibly scoot herself next to Barga. They're at Clarice's size,
They're one great, So she's going to take a seat and she's gonna say
it. Now, tell me if if and this is very softly whispered just
to Varga, if the person who was looking for information and maybe a hookup
it needed to get some additional info or or their quotes related to some Melow
memorabilia. I'm not suggesting that you would ever deal in that, but you
wouldn't. You wouldn't happen to know anyone who you know, and of course
of course you would. You would never deal in this yourself, but you
wouldn't hapen to to know somebody at that conference who could maybe have a chat
with me and just let me know what kinds of things are moving around these
days, what kinds of things are getting purchased and shifted, Because you know,
I'm not saying that you would ever do this thread, but can Bell
Bell interject and just say like and obviously the trenomials would never use their wealth
and means to procure any sort of items of that variety. Obviously, what
you know right about now, with certain goings on, it could be potentially
very helpful to have some things lined up, if you know what I mean.
Really an intimidation check does Belle backing her up as a potential Let's say
that you've been helped, thank you for the help, because that's now and
I'm not twenty nice, so Varga is going to say, you listen.
I'm a strong believer that art, good art, should not be and from
the public, and so yes, sometimes I do happen to come across Autocracy
era art that I obtain and sell to a very specific, discreete client.
Tell but I'm not. I mean that I know what's happened. Everybody knows
what's happening now. That doesn't mean that I'm in support of Malvo, that
doesn't mean that I'm in support the right back. I just I mean there
may be a couple of paintings in the freight car that are from that era.
Please don't arrest me. No, no, friend, I really appreciate
your letting us know. I to really appreciate the importance of history and artistic
talent. My real question is actually about where you're taking them, because I
have a feeling that not any of your discreet buyers, but that there is
important stuff going on right now where some people interested in these paintings are maybe
not as up on, you know, the good things as you. Varga
is going to look at you and say, I mean I said that I
have buyers lined up for most of what I procured. I don't have any
buyers for that yet. I usually reach out to those clients when I come
across those pieces and I let them know that I have them, but I
don't have any like we're just going back to our warehouses and our stores,
and I mean, I would be happy to attempt to make contact to introduce
you to some of my buyers if that would be helpful. But I nobody
is going to be waiting on the other when the train stops and I get
out, nobody's going to be waiting to take those particular pieces from me.
Gerce is just gonna check if she feels like this is getting said in earnest.
We're going to say insight for that or yeah, yeah, insight,
that's a nineteen. As far as you can tell, Varga is being upfront
with you. They have They have a set of clients who when they come
across these pretty rare items, they will reach out to you and say,
you know, hi, I have I've encountered some of the stuff that you're
interested in. Do you want to come see it? Are you interested?
But they have not been ordered to procure any of this, and they have
not yet made contact with any of their buyers about it. The things that
have already been pre sold are like more of the standard antiquities like you know
as that is. That is the information that Barga has shared with you,
and as far as you were concerned, it's it's correct. Clarice's hearing this
from Varga is gonna say, you know, friend friendly advice here. I
would not recommend trying to sell those right away now now, it's not the
time to reach out to your contacts if you get my meeting. Yeah,
I was already Actually, that's what we were talking about when you guys walked
up. Understood, Clarice is gonna pop off the little stool and not at
bell and start to make her way towards the next car. Okay, we're
gonna check in with Cretatio and Gideon. So we're just like sitting on the
just like alone post post fight. The hole is closed, right, yeah,
yeah, Clarice. Clarice folded the whole back up and brought it with
her. What else is in there with us? Your luggage. They like
the magazines that they stuff in the back of the seats. Okay, yeah,
there's yeah, it's it's is. Angel the Chicken still with us.
Angel the Chicken is still with you? Okay, cool, perfect, Not
for any particular reason, She's just adorable. And then, uh, Higgins
is is his I forget what did we do with his body? I believe
you propped his body up on one of the chairs in one of the seats.
Okay, okay, hey yeah, uncle Gideon, can I can I
talk to you about something real quick? Yeah? Look, I don't know
if you remember this about me, but I'm not a fighter. You know,
I don't want to do this, this type of stuff. But you
know, my family has kind of always wanted me to be that. And
you know, we're going back to I'm going back home. I mean,
I have to see mom for the first time in four years. I think
they're gonna want me to, you know, start training again, be a
fighter again. And I don't know what do you think I should do?
Do you? I just I never wanted to be that guy. I came
to this school because I wanted to play music. I wanted to sing and
it feels like I'm throwing that all away for this. Gideon is going to
look up at you a bit. I assume you're sitting on seats next to
each other. Yeah, so Getting's gonna look up at you and kind of
what normally would be like a clamp on the shoulder, except that your arms
are very short and you are very tall, so it winds up kind of
like hitting you in the rib cage a little bit. But it's still like,
it's not violent. It's meant to be comforting. Like, listen,
kid, you were never a fighter. I know that that was something that
was important to your parents, and frankly, it was something that I was
hoping would maybe as you got older, be something that you kind of like
grew into. I mean, look at you, You're just You're just enormous,
like you should have been a born fighter. But I know your heart's
not in it. There have been times in the past. I know,
I know we've been at peace your whole life, but there have been times
in the past where even the best bards have had to go off to fight,
and when they make it out, they make beautiful art and maybe just
maybe joining the fight for a little while will actually be better for your art.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe I'll finally see some things worth
writing about. Okay, I think I think that's what I needed. I
have to find the beauty in whatever we're about to go through, and it'll
be a story to tell, that's for sure. Oh, make no mistake,
kid, There's going to be nothing beautiful about it. Oh oh right,
Well, you know there's there's tragedy, and you know, there's there's
emotions. It's maybe in order to really be a good artist, maybe you
really do have to go through something. I mean. Still, the most
important thing, of course, is making sure that Malvo doesn't take over again
and you know, and start hurting people. But you know, I just
needed to find a reason to be okay with with all this fighting. I
mean, you know my friend and Klonia, I mean, he's all about
the big turtle guy. Yeah, the turtle. Yeah, yeah, turtle,
that's right. Turtle. Not turtles are little. Turtles are big.
Yeah, honestly, not sure what the difference is. I never felt comfortable
asking. But uh, also I've never really I've never had a conversation with
a turtle. Turtles I've met a few in my life. They can talk
turtles. Turtles just gonna sit there, you know, Yeah, yeah,
yeah, but yeah, I mean, you know what he's like. He
doesn't want to He's completely non violent and pacifistic. I don't really know.
I can tell you this. I don't think Mom's gonna like him, but
you know, I just I don't think I'm like that either, somewhere in
the middle, you know, like, if I have to fight to protect
people and protect my uncle, I'll do it. It's just, yeah,
I don't know. There's just a lot of feelings going on right now.
Hey, everyone's been gone for a while. Do you think everyone's okay?
I mean maybe, uh? Do you think we should go? And I
don't check out the rest of the train. I mean, if one guy
attacked us, I would assume there's gonna be other people out there. I
mean, I don't know, maybe the other guys are getting into fights or
something. Oh, do do you think that there's more fighting to be done?
I would. I could totally do some more fighting. I mean,
do you think that's a good idea? I mean, considering you're like the
main hostage everyone's after, not a hostage yet, No, I suppose not.
All right, no, you sitting here, Come on, Angel,
just pick well, I just like kneel down and let Angel like hop on
my shoulder like a parrot, except since I have animal handling check please okay
nineteen randomal handling. Angel gladly hops up on your shoulder and kind of like
snuggles into your neck. All right, well, I guess we can leave
you here. Let's move all right, so we're gonna go into the first
class dining Yes, so you need to roll an acrobatics check. Yes,
that is an eleven. You just passed to roll a ten. Okay,
all right, so you needed a ten, so you passed, and Gideon
rolled a twelve. So Gideon also passes. Getting in is plus six acrobatics.
Oh very lucky. And so you move through the first class dining car.
You see a lot of overturned tables. You see a dead mimic missing
half of its tongue at the far end. It happens. Is there anything
that you want to check out or investigate? Uhh, yeah, maybe we
should go back to the you know, nope, we're out here. You
might as well check this out. I want to check out the mimic and
see if I can learn anything like who who put this here? Why is
it here? Was it like created to attack people in this train specifically?
Just like whatever I can gather from looking at this mimic okay, or kind
of check as a five. It's a mimic. Yeah, that's that's a
mimic car. Right, good job? What the heck happened to this tongue?
You know what? I don't want to know. Uh, I guess
if there's no one here, we'll just keep going to the next car to
the kitchen, right, Gideon sees no reason to hang out. There's nothing
to fight in this room, so you keep moving. So it'll be another
acrobatics check to move into the kitchen, which I don't I mean, I
guess you can intew it is the kitchen because it's next to the dining car,
but you have not been there yet, so you wouldn't necessarily know it's
a kitchen. But acrobatics check, and that is an eighteen eleven for Gideon,
so you both pass. You're now in the kitchen. You see a
couple of cabinets that have been opened, an empty like a plate with an
empty stem from grapes, and oh yeah, an unconscious person dresses a porter
tied up at the other end of the car with the word bad guy written
in very flowery handwriting on his forehead. Huh, well that's interesting. Looks
like looks like some of the others have been through this way. Let's check
out this porter guy. Is he is he like fully unconscious? He's fully
unco Okay, do we think there's any way to wake him up? Like
if I all right, I'm gonna just I'm gonna go down to this guy
and just go right in front of his face and then just roar. See
if that wakes him up. Just performance check eighteen. When you do that,
you see him like kind of twitch and respond, but he remains unconscious.
Okay, all right. If that didn't work, I imagine he's just
gonna be out. So we're not gonna be able to get any information from
him unless you feel like carrying him around with you until he wakes up.
Well, he's not going anywhere, all right, Uh, I guess we'll
go to the next car. Is there anything else in the kitchen car that
you would like to investigate before you move on? I have a decent amount
of passive perception. If I could use that. I think it's a fifteen,
Okay, if I could use that to see if there's anything that would
jump out. Yeah, so you noticed that the oven is on and there
is the smell of brownies wafting from the oven. You notice that on the
counter are several prepackaged cheese sandwiches on white bread that are probably not meant for
the first class passengers. They are probably meant for the coach passengers. You
also see a wheel of breathe that has been cut into twelve wedges and some
crackers next to it. And you see a box of ten chocolates. Interesting.
Yeah, I guess that's just general food. I'll go over to the
to the cheese and the chocolate everything and just like give it a give it
a t rex sniff, just to see if there's anything strange about it,
if it's particularly strong bree. Not really a fan of brie, but yeah,
I'll just just give it a big old sniff. Do actually do a
perception check? That is a fifteen? These they're definitely foods. They don't
seem to be poisoned. There might, actually, in fact, even be
some benefit to consuming some of them, Okay, And I say might yeah,
big old D and D caveat that there also might not be Yeah,
yeah, I mean I mean food is Hey, are the brownies done?
Or is the oven still on? Right? The oven is still on?
Okay, you can open the oven and see if the brownies are here.
Yeah, I'm going to reach for the oven and but that that's probably a
bad idea. So Uncle Gideon, could you check out these brownies? I
mean, I don't know, there's no one else on board, so yeah,
you know what I'm I'm really hungry. It's been a long ride.
Yeah, well we haven't been on the train that long yet, but it's
been a really long day. Yeah, it has. So he's going to
open the oven, see that there is a pan of brownies that seemed to
be like perfectly cooked and look for like a rag that he can use to
pull the tray out of the oven. Yeah, okay and put them down
on the counter. That's the good stuff. I mean, there are still
other passengers on this car, but there are no porters. Are there is
there kitchen staff here? This this car is completely empty. What is happening
on this train? Okay? Who is making brownies? Who is making brownies?
Wouldn't they just make them before and then pack them. We can't discount
the idea that maybe the whole kitchen staff is just you know, magical spirits,
that that is a possibility, or the kitchen staff might be missing.
They could be missing. You know, I really want to try some of
these brownies. But I don't know, you know, this isn't it's you
know, there's that's something that we should actually ask the staff about, if
any of the staff were here or actually the real staff. I don't know.
I mean there's one porter. I mean there's two porters who were not
actually porters. So yeah, I mean, because they do smell delicious smells.
Okay, one brownie each. We're gonna have one brownie each a survival
check. I knew that there would have to be something about this. Oh,
that is a that is a crit fail. That is a that one
you you like don't even bother to take a knife. You just like reach
your little claw in there and you scoop out a big piece of brownie and
shove it in your mouth and you are going to take You're going to take
one point of fire damage from the molten chocolate. And as you are doing
that, Gideon is saying you wait, wait, they're probably really hot.
Should probably just wait. But that's it, just one one point of fire
damage for not waiting for the brownie, all right. For for fire damage
you just counted as damaged. Like the only reason I say what kind of
damage it is is because you might be resistant as a lizardfolk. You actually
may have some resistance to fire damage. But I don't think you do.
So you'd have to go like into your features and traits I think is where
it is on your sheet, and it will tell you if you have any
resistances I do not, Okay, okay, Yeah, So it's it's just
one point of one point of fire damage and a lesson learned to let the
brownies cool. Maybe there's maybe the brownies are fantastic after they've cooled down.
I mean, they smell great, all right, And SA Gideon is going
to like pick up a knife and very carefully, like cut a little piece
off and wrap it in a napkin and put it in the inside pocket of
his jacket. Yeah, what'll we say that for later? So there's also
the wheel of breathe that's been cut up, the prepackaged cheese sandwiches, and
the box of chocolates if you're interested in checking out any of that. Let's
keep going. Let's see if we actually meet any of the kitchen staff,
and then we can ask about grabbing some of that stuff. You know,
we've got a long journey ahead of us. I mean, I'm sure,
I'm sure Mom will have a feast waiting for us when we get that.
Well, she might have a feast waiting for you. But anyway, yeah,
let's you know, let's see if we can actually meet the weight staff
of this train first, so we will proceed to the next car. All
right, acrobatics check. That is a fourteen. You're good, and Gideon
rolled a twenty five, so Gideon is also safe. You are now in
the coach dining car with the rest of your compatriots, and we're going to
go ahead and stop there for this episode. Join us in two weeks for
the Bardbecue, where we'll take a deep dive into episode eight, and then
two weeks after that, join us for oopsal Bard's episode nine. As always,
I've been your host, Jillian Ashley Blair Ivy and on behalf of everyone
here at OOPS. All Bards, thanks for listening. We'll see you soon.
Oops All Bards is created, GMed, and directed by Jillian Ashley Blair
Ivy. This episode was produced, edited, and sound designed by Nate Runkle.
Oops All Bards stars Ashley Banks as Bellsernamio and Coleman as Clarice Sauerkloud,
Ross Curry as Andrew harrowhold Tage Sinhadas as Cretaceo thunder Thigh, and Bob Killian
as Colonian Stumps. The Oops All Bard's theme song is by Bob Killian with
additional lyrics by Jillian Ashley Blair Ivy. Oops All Bards is executive produced by
the porch Room. We are part of the porch Room Network on spreaker Prime.
For more information, visit oopsalbards dot com. Thanks and be sure to
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all Bards. We'll see you next time. Oops It sal bars Oh,
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