Seven Lamb Productions presents Shiit of Swords Episode two, Mother of Drafts. King
Leotard is dead. The Chair of Swords is ripe for the plucking, but
who will claim it? The Witches of the Dark Woods believe war is coming.
The Council of Ravenfall believe this also to be true. Has now been
two days since King Leotard took his last breath through his torn face. He's
been buried. As with all king burials, he has been married with his
mighty sword, which happened to still be stuck in his face. After the
burial, crows took to the sky to spread word of the king's passing.
One such crow made its way to the seas of the East. The thing
was heading for Lord Ferris of the Coal Islands, but sadly the creature never
made it. While resting in a tree on the small island of buntertill and
was snatched by a couple of pirates hungry for bird. Why got your blackbird,
Jessel, your best share with ye, old friend. Catch your own
bird, this one's mine. But I can't catch birds. I can't catch
anything. You're caught syphilis, yeah, but not with me. Hands well,
next time, try catching a bird with your dick. Then this one's
mine. As the bird struggle for freedom, Jessel took notice of the note
attached to its leg. Pollock, this is a carrier crow. It's addressed
the Lord Ferris of the Coal Islands. Forget that old bastard. Yes,
but we must bring it to the Mother of dragons. It reads that King
Leotard is dead. We must go to the Mother of dragons. Claria was
the mother of dragons. She was young, the age of only seventeen.
She had long white hair and a nice, little tight body. She was
elegant and fair. She was once wed to a murder man who beat her
off, and she ended him by her own hand and claimed the aisles of
Sumter as her own. She grew a lot after that moment, but she
often thought about it, about how they first met. Her skibie brother had
set the whole thing up, trying to wet her to a cow. Flashback
to two years ago, when the Mother of Dragons was dulled up and waiting.
She was not ready to be wed, but her half brother forced the
issue. Hello everyone, my name is Richard Butterfield, and this is who's
my cow? All right? We sit here with one lucky contestant, the
beautiful Solaria. How's it going, sweetie? Do not call me sweetie or
I will have you skinned alive. Who else? This jungle cat has some
claws. Me yow okay, honey, you got it. Now Solaria gets
to choose between three lucky bachelors, but she doesn't get to see them just
yet. She must ask questions and find out who she wants to go out
with. All of our bachelors sit behind that rock there, Can you see
the honey? No? Why? Because they're behind a rock. Good,
it's working. The rock is working everybody. Before we get started, let's
get to know our contestant. Solaria hails from Easter Else. She's five five
and full of spunk. She likes long walks on the beach and even longer
walks on scalding hot coals. That's right, she loves hot coals so much
because she's known as the mother of dragons. Amazing, isn't it? Well,
Ladies and gentlemen, now this lovely lady is ready to find out which
cal best suits her needs. Just then, Solaria waved her hand, calling
over her brother, Lord Clone. What is it, sister brother cloone,
we really have to do this. Do you want to count army or not?
This is the only way. Can we continue? Yes? Yes,
Lord Clone ran back into the crowd. Well, let's get this game underway,
Salaria, the stage is yours. Let's ask our contestants some questions.
Okay, Col number one? What's your favorite food? I like meat?
What about you? Col? Number two? Yeah? Meat number three?
Same question, M I prefer some pesto chicken briscatta with a nice merlot,
and maybe follow that up with a nice BlackBerry cobbler. Okay um? Col
number one? What would we do for our first date? I take you
to top of rocks at fuck you? Okay? Col Number two? Same
question. I gave you tobacco cave meg fire, then fuck you wonderful.
Col Number three, same question. Yes, I think first thing would be
to bring you some flowers and chocolates. Maybe then we would ride horseback up
to the cliffs of Dover and watch the sunset. After that, maybe some
supper that I'll personally prepare, and a puppet show to Captain nine. Well,
well, well things are really starting to heat up over here. But
a Salaria made a decision yes already, yes, Well it's a fucking fast
game. Okay, So who's the lucky cow? I pick number three?
Number three? Okay, well, before you meet your man, let's see
the Colsie won't be going back to the grasslands with cal Number one hails from
the Salt and Sea and likes to box boxes. Everyone meet cal Draga,
cal Draga. Not happy here, you big goof go on, get out
of here. Thank you for playing now. Number two he hails from the
sand dunes of Eastwick and lived inside of a dead bear for two weeks just
for fun. Everyone, big round of applause for cal Number two. Kyle
Zogg cozorg one woman, don't we all thank you for playing my man?
That leaves us with the last cow, the man of the hour. You're
chosen, Sun and Stars. Col Number three he hails all the way from
San Francisco and once paid it forward in a Starbucks drive through. Everyone put
your hands together for Kylevin. His name is Calvin. Hello, Oh no,
not him, so Laria, anyone but him. So he actually cared
for Calvin. They went on many dates, but Calvin did not have an
army. He had an electric car and student loans, but no army,
so Celaria broke it off with him and ended up with cal Draga. But
that's when things got bad and she was forced to end his life. No
other man ever dared tried to be with Celari after that. Many liked it,
but none dared put her ring on it, not after she castrated her
husband and fed him his own balls. Now Here she stood looking over the
ocean on a rocky cliff, reading the letter meant for Lord Ferris. So
King Leotard is dead, the chair is free. That means raven Fall will
do exactly what its name suggests. It will raven fall wed. Raven Fall
will fall. Weed with Celaria's right hand man in more ways than one,
meaning not only was he or trusted helper, he also only had one hand.
He lost his left hand in battle when he was but a we lad,
just old enough to carry a sword and totally misuse it. When is
it mother? Now, before you go thinking Salaria was Weed's mother, you
better check yourself, because you will get wrecked. Solaria is the mother of
dragons, not of weed. This is just how she is often addressed.
She ain't no horse sleeping around popping kids out like a pez dispenser. I
think, Weed, I think it may be time to reclaim the chair for
father when mother the dragons have not hatched. I will not wait. But
you still have no army. I must find one. You can't be suggesting,
but I am. You will visit your brother. You will see Lord
Cloane. Yes, I would much like to finally see his Cloane army.
Solarian Weed took a group of pirates out to the far off island of Treed.
Her brother and her have not talked ever since she murdered her husband,
Caldraga secure the ropes. Hello, Hello, I am Ronia, Welcome to
Treed. Do you have any bags we may take? Do not let them
take our bags? Mother. These scoundrels, oh, we would take them
to your rooms. They are pirates, scoundrels, untrustworthy beings. Weed,
that is us, We are the pirates. Oh that's right, we have
no bags. We will not be staying long, but of course, follow
me, Solaria. And we'd followed Ronia up a stone walkway and towards the
castle set atop a tall precipice, Lord clown, your sister, well,
well, well, if it isn't little Solaria, the mother of dragons?
What brings you this far out to see a boat? Perhaps? D a
joke? I told, a joke, very clever. Would you like to
hear another one? No? Yes, Weed, sorry, mother, but
I love jokes. What did the mutt say to the prisoner in the cell?
I do not know. I I give up nothing because he is but
a mutt and dogs do not speak. Oh, not as good as the
first joke. Are we done? Brother? I have one more? We
have no time for your antics. Just one antic of mm one more?
Please, mother, let him redeem himself. That last joke was not very
good. What'd you get when you cross a leper with a sea mine?
The answer? I don't know? Ah, what is a sea mine?
Are we done? Have you had enough of his humor? Weed? Yes,
that last joke was hardly that. I believe he was disclaiming ignorance and
laughing about it. No, it was a joke, and a very clever
one. You throw about the word clever quite carelessly. Enough, clone,
I want to see your army, and what makes you believe I have an
army? Because I know that is what you have been working on the past
two years. Gee, you are so wise sister, But what does the
mother of dragons want with an army of the sea. I want to reclaim
the chair. Which chair, the chair of swords, the one that was
taken from father, the very same, like father, like daughter. I
do say, oh, was that a joke? Except father was a slayer
of dragons. I am a mother of them. Solarian did not much care
for her father, Clone had the same contempt their father. Granith was a
giant asshole. I'm sorry, sister, I cannot spare an army for a
fool's errand it is no fool's errand take your pirates. Then. My pirates
are just that pirates. They are not warriors. They rob and rape and
pillage and sometimes sing fantastical rub a dub tunes while sailing, and maybe they
can sing the King's guard to death. It is not the King's god.
I worry about whom worries you, sister. All who want to claim the
chair, screw the chair ash swords. I made a chair out of swords.
One time it stabbed the shit out of my ass. You should not
have built it with the point he ends up in the seat. You do
not seem very smart. The chair is worthless. It is not whoever claims
it will rule all of Naimeria. Naimeria is nothing. Forget the mainland.
We live on the islands. They are so much cooler than the mainland.
We have rocky cars, and fish and beaches. The mainland has beaches too.
Their land meets the water as do ours. Yes, but were their
beaches ranked number one on General Forbes's Greatest Beaches list In crow Claw Letter two
Moondays in a Row. I do not read that letter anymore. All it
consists of is lists and ads for suncream. The isles are safe. They
were made for us. They were made for your dragons. Do not try
to claim all of Naimeria. It is not worth our troubles. They are
not our troubles. They are mine and mine alone. Do not get angry
with me, brother, because you did not like father. You also felt
much contempt, not as much as you brother. Father was a bastard.
You are the true bastard, born out of wedlock. But Father is the
real bastard for making me that way. It is not my fault. He
fucked a server in a hallway on his way to the latrine. I want
your army. You may not have it. The best I can give you
is a Scotric. What's a Scotric. Scotrick is a man in my army
that is an utter four. You can have him. He can use a
sword, but he does not listen well and he often shits in his under
armah. I do not want a soldier that cannot control his bowels. He
is hardly a soldier. You said he can use a sword only to open
a tin of beans. He cuts the lid right off. I do not
want Scotric. If you do not take him, I will just have to
feed him to the cave lions. I am done with him tainting my army
with his idiocy. You are very cruel, brother, says the one who
took her husband's bows. He of such treatment for what he did to me.
I do not doubt that you're the one who forced me into that marriage.
You wanted an army then, as you do now. I did not
gain an army. Well, whose fault is that first you pick Calvin,
who couldn't even grow facial here, and then you choose Dragger. You set
it all up. You should have chosen Zorg. He was going to build
you a fire and then fuck you. That's a real cow. You truly
do not plan to give me your army. You are the mother of dragons
and pirates. If you want my army, take it from me. Sister,
I will not draw blood with you. We may fight as we did
as children, a tickle fight or a thumb wrestle. No, I will
not play into your games. Then I shall put away pat cheesy darf Raki
edition. If you do not plan to help me in my quest and provide
me with an army to take back what is rightfully ours? Oh, now
it is ours. Oh, I will find my own army. Then come
Weed Solaria. Yes, brother clown, are you sure you do know what
scott Ric? It could not hurt to have another pair of hands? Hell,
what I would do for just one more? Fine brother? I will
take Scoltric. Oh, thank god, Solarian Weed made their way back to
their boat. Waity for me, mother of dragons, Wait for me?
Who is that? Who else could it be? It must be the one
they call scot Ric. Scotric was blonde haired and blue eyed. He was
quite a dullard, but a nice chap. He's not very good with a
sword, however, Hell, the only thing he could kill is the spirit
of a true warrior. You must be scott Rick, warrior for the Clone
Army. Actually, I'm mostly cook, and by cook I mean I opened
the tins for everyone so they can have beans and meat. Yes, we
heard you are quite handy with a sword. I caught the tins in a
perfect circle, so the beans and meat PLoP right out with these. How
skillful you are. I am one of the best. That's why Lord Cloone
is sending me with the Mother so I may help. Lord Cloone believes in
me. He wanted to feed you to cave lions. What's that now?
Never mind that, let us go. The wind is strong, Solaria before
you go. Yes, brother, I have a joke, please not now.
Oh, but the Lord has the best jokes, for that is true.
Not quite sure if that. We listened to a few of them earlier
and hardly one landed, but I'm certain this one will land. Tell us,
please, Lord Claude, this one is for my very sister, so
Laria. What are you in a bunch of dead fools? Heaven common,
I do not know. You will all be dead very soon. No,
that's very good, Lord Clod, Thank you. Scott Rick. I'm not
sure. I understand. For you and the Mother of Dragons will never take
the chair. You will wind up just like a bunch of dead fools.
Yes, but you say we will be dead soon, like fools were already
dead. It is quite funny. But dead fools are already dead? How
can they be dead soon? That's the joke? What is that? What
we'd do? Not try to dissect my brother's attempt at humor. Let us
leave. Good luck, sister d oh, No, I forgot my sword.
I'll be quick and fetch it. Are you all right, mother?
No weird? I feel ill. My army consists of a handful of pirates,
a man with one hand, a soldier whose only skill with a sword
requires tin be near him and to myself, and the dragons when they are
ready. But they are not. I need more. I need a real
army. But how the Red Caves, the Red Caves, I must advise
against That those people are savages, Even the more reason to go. The
Mother of Dragons will have a strong army one all others fear, please Mother,
anything but that Mother. The sails are ready and the winds are up.
Where do we head to the Red Caves? Chair of Swords written and
edited by Robert M. Lamb staring Brian Messick as the narrator, Amy Lay
as Salaria, Robert M. Lamb as Lord Clone, cal Draga Weed and
Calvin Jack Austin as Richard Butterfield Calzorg and Scott Rick, Monica Ward as Erronea,
Mark Croftus as Pollock, and Mitchell Beck as Jessel. Music provided by
Kevin McLeod of encompatec dot com. If you enjoy this podcast, don't forget
to rate and review and visit seven lamb dot com for more audio dramas such
as this one. This has been a seven lamb production.