This is science Friction on Hudson River Radio dot Com tonight, episode seventeen.
Invaders from an Alternate Universe. Well, it looks like Dutch Dylan had better
make room in his trophy case for his third Pultzer Prize. I think I'll
celebrate with some female companionship. Hey, baby, been waiting by the phone
for me to call. Yeah, sorry to keep you waiting all week,
but I just finished a really important story. Sure, baby, whatever you
want, start mixing the martinis. I'm on the way. Dutch, you're
here late, glad I caught you here. You go, boss. This
should bust the syndicate wide open. I guess I can look forward to another
nice rais and a big fat bonus. Yes, yes, I'm sure you'll
be amply compensated, but that's not important. Now. There's something strange going
on in Stony Point. How can you tell? There's always something strange going
on here? This is serious. Dutch people are disappearing, probably moving out.
Can't say I blame him. An eight year old girl scout, a
sixteen year old high school football star, a doctor, a college professor,
and a dozen more people. You think they all just up and left?
Okay, boss, I admit you have my interests. I'll check it out
first thing in the morning. No, Dutch, I really want you to
head up there now. Sorry, No, can do Why not? Two
words? Sherry Madison? Come on, don't fool around. This is serious.
You can go to a Sherry Madison movie some other time. This is
no movie, boss, Although tonight will be epic, this is the real
deal. And she's expecting me for cocktails within the hour. What How the
hell do you know Sherry Madison. Let's just say a few months back I
helped her out of a jam and she's been very grateful, unbelievable. But
I don't care if you have a date with Sherry Madison. Marilyn Monroe and
Jane Russell lives are at stake, and I told the chief of police that
you would help. But this may be dangerous, so if you don't have
the stomach for it, hey, danger is my middle name. And when
the going gets tough, Dutch Dylan gets going. I guess Cheryl left to
wait a little while longer. It was a warm spring evening in nineteen fifty
four when Dutch Dylon hopped into his Studebaker Commander Starliner and sped off to the
Stony Point Police station to meet with the chief about the mysterious disappearances. Thank
you for coming, Dutch. We could use a fresh set of eyes on
this case. Sure, Sief, what's it all about? I'll be damned
if we know people are just vanishing into thin air. We don't have any
idea who could be doing this or why. I've been trying to tell you
who and why for weeks, but you won't believe me that it's an alternate
universe invading ours. Oh no, Missus Ferguson, who let you in here?
Please leave? This is an important police business. Hold on, Chief,
I want to hear what Missus Ferguson has to say. Thank you,
Dutch. And FYI, Sherry called and she's very upset you broke your date.
Wait what you know, Sherry Madison? What you two know the Sherry
Madison? You better not keep her waiting long. Frank Sinatra's in town.
Frank knows better than to mess with any of my women. I thought him
a lesson last time. He won't soon forget. That's not what Frankie told
me. Wait, wait, you both know Frank Sinatra too. This must
be an alternate universe, Chief, Chief, four more people have gotten missing
in the last hour. Everyone in town is panicking. All right, everyone,
let's refocus now. As I told the police several times, an interdimensional
portal has opened up in the alley next to Joe's Bar and Grill on Main
Street, and beings from an alternate universe are kidnapping humans to service forced labor
on alien planets. And you know this how they tried to take me in
coffe but I escaped. How did you do that? Kicked him in the
groin, punched him in the throat, and poked those big eyes of theirs.
Sounds like what I did to Frank Sinatra Dutch. Please sorry, Chief,
Sorry, it's what you say is true. How can we stop these
creatures and close the portal? And how do we get our people back?
Maybe it's time to turn the tables like Chamberlain did it, Little Roundtop.
You mean the best defense is a good offense? Exactly. They won't be
expecting it, Chief, I think alien hunting season just opened. Meanwhile,
a block away from Joe's barring Grille, a young couple was walking home from
their first date. Chee Alice. It sure was swell taking you out tonight.
Can I see you again soon, sir Billy. I think you're just
the coolest cat at school, and you have one classy chassis. I would
haye. Who are those guys coming towards us? Oh no, I hope
it isn't one of those greasers from the next town. Wait, they don't
look human. Oh no, they're purple and have huge black eyes. Run,
Alice, run for your life. I can't they grab you with their
tentacles. Me too, I can't break free. They're dragging us to that
swirling circle of light. Help help, oh no, no, help ah.
After the creatures from the alternate universe pulled the helpless couple through the interdimensional
portal, it blinked out, and the alley next to Joe's bar and grill
was dark and silent again, as if nothing had happened. Will be right
back with law of science rickshoe, futah, Hudson River Radio dot com.
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Friction Theater on Hudson Radio dot Com. Back at police headquarters, plans were
well underway for Operation Payback. The Army and the FBI both hung up on
the chief when he asked for help combating purple tentacled invaders from an alternate universe,
so Stony Point was on its own. An eclectic group was being assembled
to fight the invaders. Can I have your attention? Everyone? We were
trying to figure out how we would communicate with these creatures if we catched some,
so I invited a local psychic. We previously consulted on some cases great
things exalted souls. I am Madame Rushka, clairvoyant, psychic medium and channel
of ascended masters. Wow, can you really talk to these aliens? I
can make contact mentally with all forms of consciousness. I am Madame Rushka.
Dropped the phony accent. You're Bertha Jones from Yonkers. You used to sling
hash at the diner. Oh it's you, missus Ferguson. Yeah, my
real name is Bertha Jones. A few years back, I got struck by
lightning and suddenly became psychic. I quickly learned that no one wanted to plump
down two bucks for reading by Madam Jones. I've also invited oddwad. I
mean Oswald the dog Catcher. He may have the I Cuba pickle, but
he can catch anything. Yep, that's me, are you yep? All's
Wald the dog Catcher. If it has four legs or no legs, if
it flies or swims or crawls, I'll catch it all right, are you?
Yep? And I asked Mary Lou from Fennis's Department store to join us.
She'll be here in a few minutes. Really, Dutch the world is
under attacked by aliens, and you're bringing a date, No, Chief,
not for a day for bait. No Dutch. You can't mean you want
to put that poor girl in danger. Of course not. We'll see what
I'm planning here she is now. Mary Lou walked in with a mannequin under
each arm, with these two Dutch. I pulled them right out of the
front window, display perfect. What alien would pass up these perfect specimens of
humans. At dawn, everyone went home to catch a few hours of sleep,
as it promised to be a long night, a night which just might
determine the fate of the entire human race. Later that evening, Hey,
Chief, it's been quiet all day, maybe too quiet. No one has
gone missing, not that we know of. I've had a few men keeping
an eye on the alley by Joe's barne grill, but no activity. I
hope we haven't tipped them. Awesome how and they're gone? Oh no,
I hope not. Then our people will be lost forever in another dimension,
not on my watch. Good, looks like everyone else is arriving. All
right, let's get going and make some intergalactic headlines. Yep Oswald will catch
the aliens and get his picture in the paper. Ye, Bertha, you
prepared to meld minds with an alien intelligence. I once stood a reading for
Liberachi, so I'm ready for anything. Okay, let's load up our gear
and move out. Let me help you with those mannequins, Mary Lou,
Oh god, that's me, not a mannequin. Pardon me an honest mistake.
I should have known better, because you're a lot prettier than any mannequin
I've ever seen. Oh God, she say the sweetest things. After we
saved the planet, call me moving quickly. The team placed the mannequins at
the end of the alley and then took their positions and waited and waited.
Finally, shortly after midnight, book, there's a sparkling light in the alley.
It's expanding. The interdimensional portal is opening. Out of the swirling energy
vortex stepped, or more accurately slithered hideous purple creatures with big eyes and writhing
tentacles, and they headed straight for the maniculins. They're going for the bay.
Wait for it, wait now. Oswald rushed forward and tossed a giant
net over the two bewildered creatures. Everyone else leapt into action with ropes and
soon had the alien interdimensional creatures from an alternate universe tied up tightly. Mad
Rushka, what are you sensing from them? Shock? Surprise here terror?
Huh? They of their own medicine way and they'll Dutch Dylan works them over.
They'll tell us everything we need to know. Let's get them back to
the station and get them behind bars asap. Five hours later. I'm sorry,
Chief, it's no use. I sensed their emotions, but they're somehow
luckying their thoughts. Maybe Dutch and I need to work them over again.
Do you have a mean right hook? Missus? Ferguson taught Jack Dempsey everything
he knew. No, Forest doesn't seem to be working. We need to
find their weakness. Old's wall is hungry. H yep. Time to eat?
Yep? Yuck? How can you eat at a time like this?
And what on earth is that ant Jovi and pickle sandwich? Yep? Oswald
loves anchovies. Wait, something is happening. The creature's mind shields are weakening.
It's like they're in pain and completely hysterical. Look every time Oswald goes
near them with that anchovy sandwich, they recoil and horror. Give me one
of those anchovies. Let me try an experiment. Dutch held one of the
small, slimy smelly fish close to the two aliens and they thrashed and screamed
in agony. That's it. They can't stand the smell of the anchovies.
They're begging you to take it away, and they'll tell us anything we want
to know. An hour later, the team knew that the invaders were from
the planet smed lador in, an alternate universe from which they create interdimensional portals
so they can kidnap other species to do their work, so that they may
spend all their time on the alternate universe equivalent of couches watching interdimensional versions of
soap operas. Ohose fiends will make them pay. They've promised to give all
our people back and never come to Earth again. Maybe maybe not, As
I always say, never trust an alien with tentacles. I wasn't going to
put it that way, but I agree. Maybe we need a little insurance,
Oswald, you and I have some work to do. Will be right
back with more of science fiction theater on Hudson River Radiodus Com. And now
the exciting conclusion of science fiction theater on Hudson River Radio dot com, while
the Chief organized the entire police department into a heavily armed defensive squad in case
the invaders went back on their word and attacked. Missus Ferguson and Madame Rushke
finalized the details of the prisoner exchange an hour later in the alley by Joe's
bar and grill. All right, I'm hooking this chain around my waist and
attaching the other end to this telephone pole so they can't pull me into their
alternate universe. What's in the Duffel bag? Our insurance? Hi? Yup?
Oswald help make insurance? Hi? Yup. If everyone's ready, bring
in the creatures. It's go time. Several police officers led the creatures in
with some heavy duty dog leashes, with Madame Rushka walking next to them to
monitor for signs of deception. You sense anything. They're just anxious to get
off this planet and get back home. Apparently there's a new episode of their
favorite soap opera tonight. Give me one of those leashes. Madame Rushka tell
them to open their interdimensional portal. A few seconds later, the sparkling lights
filled the alley and soon the swirling vortex opened. Dutch cautiously moved toward the
portal with one hand on the leash and the other grasping the back of the
creatures slimy neck Geradamo. Dutch jumped into the portal, but could still be
seen and heard. So far, so good, looks like a bad dream
in this universe. I see more of those creatures, but not our people.
Madame Rushka. Tell them to bring our people. I'm trying, but
they aren't listening. Wait, a message is coming through. Foolish humans.
Foolish humans, we will take you all. Oh no, it's a trap.
The creatures on the other side of the portal rushed Dutch and tried to
pull him all the way in Oswald. Now now Oswald opened the duffel bag
and pulled out a big balloon filled with something, and tossed it into the
interdimensional portal, where it promptly burst on the forehead of one of the creatures,
spraying its foul, smelly contents everywhere. Hi, yep, aliens don't
like anchovies. Aliens don't like anchovies. Don't let me go on a run
and keep throwing the anchovy balloons. The creature at the end of the leash
Dutch was holding, fell to the ground in agony and started shouting to his
people to bring all the human prisoners. Tense moments passed, but after another
anchovy balloon sailed deep into the alternate universe and burst. The dozens of captured
Stony Point residents were soon rushed to the portal, where Dutch helped them out.
Looks like everyone is accounted for. Release the other alien and Dutch.
Get the hell out of there. The portal is closing. Not yet,
Oswald, give me the Duffel bag. Aliens don't like anchovies. Dutch,
hurry before it's too late. Everyone grab a chain and pull. Just as
the interdimensional portal closed, hopefully for good, they pulled Dutch clear where he
fell to the pavement, exhausted but smiling through the rest of the anchovy balloons
far and wide. They'll never go near that portal again. In the meantime,
maybe Washington will listen to us now and start planning for any alien invaders
in the future. I'll give Ika call and give him an earful Oh and
Bertha, I mean, Madam Rushka, you did good. Thank you.
But now with all the upcoming publicity from this, I can go back to
using my real name and raise my prices. Oswald, I'll see about getting
you a raise too. H yep. Oswald gets more money to buy more
anchovies and pickles. I yep. A few hours later, at the Hudson
River Gazette, Dutch, this is the most incredible story ever told. We'll
make millions syndicating this in installments. Every paper in the world will print it.
All in a day's work. For Intergalactagase reporter dutch Stone, Well,
you earned another fat bonus and a few days off. Go home and get
some rest. Oh there's a certain glamorous movie star anxiously awaiting my arrival.
Sherry Madison. You lucky dog. No luck involved, boss, It's all
skill. An hour later, at a luxury of penthouse in Manhattan, Dutch
I missed you so much. As she stepped forward to give him a passionate
embrace, she suddenly recoiled and held her nose. Terry, what's the matter,
baby, Oh Dutch that smell you smell like henjovies? Oh yeah,
sorry. Long story about hideous alien creatures from an alternate universe abducting humans through
an intermentional portal. Well, you can tell me all about it after we
throw away your clothes and get you into a nice hot bubble bath. Whatever
you say, baby wild aliens couldn't dragged me away from you. This has
been Science Friction Theater, a production of Hudson River Radio dot Com, written
by Winda Simmony. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast so you'll never miss
an exciting adventure. See you next time on Science Friction Theater.