This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I AM six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
If you're new to my show, you should note that I have a PhD
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. But boy
do I think about human relationships all day long. You I have so much
for you this next two hours. I want you to sit back. I
want you to relax. I want you to think about your hobbies, the
stuff you really enjoy doing. We're going to talk about that and what it
does to your brain and why it's good for you. I also, if
you're married, we're going to talk about your marriage uncertain hacks that you may
have. If you're single, I know is somebody out there that you're a
little bit interested in. Maybe they friend zoned you. Maybe you want to
find a way to broach the topic. I've got some advice for you as
well. Maybe there's somebody out there who really sending all the signals that they
are into you and you're not reading them. I'm going to explain that as
well. But first let's check in with the crowd. Kyla, how you
doing this weekend? I am wonderful. Doctor Wendy, how are you good?
What'd you do? What'd you do this weekend? Did you have fun?
Worked? Well? I worked and I had fun. It was a
perfect balance. I can't remember what I did, but I know I had
a good time these days. I was one. Well you're looking light and
happy, Raoul, welcome to the show. How you doing? Oh yeah,
fantastic. Remember that I go over I don't watch the time. I
get on tangents. I get all over the place. So just yell in
my ear when it's time for us to go to a break. Because Mark
Ronner has a job too. Hey Mark, how you doing? Always a
pleasure? How are you? I am great? What is your hobby?
By the way, do you have a hobby? I watch a ton of
movies, I read a lot of books, and I do a lot of
writing. Okay, well hold that thought, because I'm gonna explain what that
may say about you. Kayla. What's your favorite hobby? Oh? I
like to work out, hike, and I also got into biography where you
burn a wood to make art. I find that very high oography. Yeah,
like you get to be a pyromaniac safely. Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, I think I would really like that. Smells good, it's
relaxing, you get to let out some creative juices. Is very fun.
What do you use like a blowtorch? No, they have biography pens that
you could just order on Amazon, and then you just get the wood from
Michaels and then you have a field day. A little fire comes out of
the pen. It just burns. It doesn't it doesn't set on fire,
but it gets very very high part. It's like my steak on the bar.
You go exact, Charlie exactly. Yeah, that's a very interesting hobby.
Right, Well, do you have a hobby? Absolutely? I am
a music nerd, so music is definitely a hobby. Okay, everyone hold
that thought because in a couple of minutes, going to explain what your hobbies
say about you and what kinds of hobbies you probably shouldn't mention on a job
interview, and the kinds of hobbies if you do do them, they should
definitely mention right away on a job interview. But first I have to tell
you a story because I'm bursting with this story. So I was racing back
after a little road trip today, and what I do my Sunday routine is
I like to plan my show out of my head. Do all my reading
make a kind of rundown. That's a bunch of bullet points, which,
by the way, then I throw it away once I get it. But
there's some security blanket to me knowing that while I'm on live radio, if
I suddenly have a total brain space, I can look down at a paper
and see a keyword and pick up and keep going. So this is like
my just security blankket. I mean, I don't read from it a glance
from time to time, but if I don't have it, I have no
show in my head. There's no rundown, there's nothing. I knew traffic
would be bad. I knew there's a good chance I could be late.
I didn't want kay let have to run and printed all that stuff, and
I needed a hard copy. So I pull off the five freeway. I
get on a dusty road and I find one of those little tiny convenience stores.
I mean there was nothing. There was a pizza shop, there was
a little tiny they called it a market, keff face store or whatever.
A couple of gas tanks out front, and nothing else for miles. I
walk in. There's a woman working there. She's actually busy, like frying
hamburgers for somebody in the back, and she comes out the cash and I
said, Hey, I know this is the weirdest thing in the world,
but do you happen to have a printer here? And she says no,
And I go, where's the closest, you know, FedEx, Kinkos whatever,
And she's like, like an hour away, and I'm like and then
she goes, you know, I have an old printer in my house.
I live next door. Let me go get it and plug it in if
you don't mind. The cartridge is old, so it might have one of
those streaks down the middle of the ink. But if that's okay, I'll
do that. And I'm like, really, you wouldn't mind doing that?
She's like, sure, no problem, no problem. So a few minutes
later, she hauls back in this printer and I email her my little rundown
and while she went in the back to plug it in and get it going.
And I don't know if you're anything like me, but these are technological
nightmares for me, trying to get a printer to talk to a phone in
the Wi Fi And anyway, she did it no problem. And while she's
back there, I happened to glance around this very small store and I see
that shelves are almost completely empty, and I'm thinking, is she moving?
Like I know, the drink machines, like the fridges were full of drinks,
but where there should have been protein bars and bags of chips and whatever,
coffee, tea, whatever, empty. So she comes back with my
printer thing, and I say, what's going on? Why are your shelf
so empty? And she said, oh, well, I just bought this
store a few months ago, and I really trusted my employees too much,
and they stole from me, and so I ran out of money and I
can't afford to buy any more stock until I sell what's here. And I'm
like, oh my gosh. She goes, yeah, I got to be
careful not to trust people as much. And then I said, I'm so
sorry. And as I'm saying that, I'm grabbing anything I can find to
buy it, Like there was one little can of coffee, Okay, I'll
get that and I'll get a diet cocon. I'll get this, and I'll
take this. And I go and oh, don't forget to add on the
printing fee, and she goes, oh no, honey, I just did
that as a favor for you. I don't charge for that. So I
get in my car and I'm driving away, and I'm thinking to myself,
here's this kind person in the middle of nowhere who helped out a stranger in
a moment of weird professional need. And I think. I get on my
phone and I google where's the nearest Costco. There's a Costco thirty minutes away.
My bomb over there, and Kayla was wondering why I was late.
There you go. I bomb over to this Costco. I run in.
It's busy, crazy on a Sunday, and I just pack my thing with
like boxes and boxes of protein bars and those boxes that have little bags of
potato chips and pringles and you know, whatever stuff that you would find in
a convenience store. And then I drive lady minutes back to her store and
I go in and I go, I hope this doesn't seem intrusive. You
are so kind to me. I just wanted to give you a little stock
that you could sell in your store, and I had a little note on
it that said, please don't stop trusting people. And she started crying and
she gave me a hug and whatever. It was really sweet moment. Anyway,
This is not a story to say, doctor Wendy's such a nice person.
This is a story to say, at every minute in our day,
there's somebody around us. And you know, for me, I have the
privilege of being able to drop a couple hundred dollars on a stranger, and
I'm very lucky that I'm in that position in my life. I also know
that I've had times in my life where I've really struggled financially, so therefore
I had great empathy for her at that moment. But the point is,
look around your life. Ask yourself who needs help? Is it somebody you
know that's a stranger. Is it somebody that is a family member that is
a friend. Just ask yourself, because I'll tell you this. When I
drove away, that woman had tears in her eyes. She gave me a
tight hug. Stranger. I felt so good And what did it take?
An hour of my life? And I wasn't even late in the end,
it was all that stress, all right, let us get into hobbies.
Here's why this topic of hobbies came up for me. I was having dinner
with a group of friends last night and one of them said, I was
talking, one was staying, is a gath house guess at my house?
When they were like, oh, I just love how you put the little
bottle of water beside the bed and the little flower, and you put the
magazine and the pillows all rang and I said, I'm a closet hotelier.
You know, my dream is to own like a boutique hotel. And she
very quickly said, I'm a closet realtor. I just live on Zillo and
I should have gone into real estate instead of what I'm doing. And then
her husband said, I'm a closet architect. I mean, those poor architects,
if I ever worked with them, I'm over telling them what to do.
Then I started thinking about my boyfriend Julio. I'm like, he's a
classic car fixer upper, Like he spends forever online trying to figure out what
windshield wiper go with, what year classic car whatever. I mean, these
hobbies take a lot of space in our brain. But our interests and passion
say a lot about who we are. For instance, if you have,
like I've just learned something about Kayla because she's burning wood there with some electric
amazing pen from Amazon, that she has a skill and a talent that I
never knew about that I could never do. It also tells you something about
people's social orientation. I learned from Mark Ronner, for instance, because he's
a movie watcher, an enthusiast, and also a big reader, that his
social orientation might be a little more preserving solitude and liking to do things alone.
Other people might have problem solving and analytical ability that shows up. Other
people are completely creative by their hobbies. And and some people you show perseverance
because whatever their hobby is, it took years and years and years to hone,
Like somebody who plays a musical instrument. You know it is the one
of the number one questions asked in job interviews. And I gotta say nowadays,
the poor employers are really limited in what they can ask. I mean,
you can't ask you about it? How many kids do you have?
Oh? Is that discrimination against parents? You can't ask like, uh,
you know, what's what's your gender? What. You can't ask a lot
of things, but you can ask what your hobby is. Now, there
are certain things that you should never ever say in a job interview when asked,
what do you do in your free time or what's your favorite hobby?
Kayla, if you had to guess what the number one thing is, you
shouldn't say you do, even if you do it regularly. What it is?
Nothing lay around, be lazy. Definitely anything to do with politics,
because you don't know the orientation of that employer. Anyway, when we come
back, I've got a few more things that you shouldn't talk about in job
interviews. And also the number one hobby you think about it, the number
one hobby that you should always say you do in a job interview. You
are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells Show on kf I AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from kf I AM six forty six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. We're talking about your
hobbies. Could your hobby actually be your career? I mean we're not meant
to do the same thing for our entire lives. And now, because of
the gig economy, many people do two or even three jobs at once because
they want to, hopefully not because they have to. But we're talking about
which kinds of hobbies you probably shouldn't mention in a job interview. I mentioned
politics or anything else really controversial, right, highly religious stuff, political stuff.
Just don't Okay, that's not job. You're not saying I'm March every
weekend. I'm trying to change the world so the government will be tougher on
corporate America. No, you do not saying that in a job interview.
You want to get paid by corporate America, all right. Also time consuming
habits, you know what, say, Oh, I travel internationally for very
long trips. I'd like to go away for a month at a time.
You're on a job interview. They want to know that you can sell your
time. Also hobbies that are completely antisocial, like well, I play video
games a lot. If you're sitting in your mom's basement playing video games all
day, you don't want to mention that in a job interview. What you
should talk about are things that showcase your leadership abilities, team sports, showing
that your team oriented community organizations, not the religious ones, just you know,
community organizations. I coach my kids baseball team or whatever, clubs groups
all neutral fun. I run a community garden, whatever. I volunteer at
the farmer's market. Creative pursuits like Kayla, I did not know you're burning
wood with a little pen. I'm a class. Could you actually keep that
pen in your purse and use it on a human if you had to?
I maybe it could be a weapon of self events. I'm just picturing this
thing. But obviously being creative shows a potential employer that you can problem solve.
And also anything to do with personal development. Mark Runner mentioned he's a
big reader, right, something that makes you think and gets to be okay.
But the thing you should oh and the number one thing that you should
definitely mention in a job interview and if you don't do it, you should
do it volunteering and community involvement. Oh, employers love people who volunteer because
maybe they'll volunteer for more task because at the office it's like the number one
thing that you're supposed to mention. All right. I mentioned earlier that I
was at dinner with a group of friends and we all mentioned that we were
a closet something else. We had some passion for something. I mentioned that
mine was, you know, someday I want to run a boutique hotel with
somewhere between five and twelve rooms, and I want to just put the lavender
spray on the pillows every day and just fluff it up and make it beautiful.
And I don't know if it'll ever happen. I mean I knew a
lot of money to do that, apparently, and I don't have that.
But no matter what your hobby is, there are ways to determine if you're
ready to go public with it. Do it as an income, maybe not
a primary source of income, And the first thing you need to do is
evaluate the market demand. I've been doing that in the last little bit because
I have a small airbnb so I get to play, you know, not
five to ten hotel rooms. I got one room, little cottage. But
you know, I've been seeing what it's like. Is there a demand for
my services? So beak. So that's how I tested the waters, and
I think it's important that we all test the waters in certain areas. I
see Kayla at a farmer's market with her wood her burned, would all her
beauty just on display just to see if anyone, But hey, you could
put it on Etsy. Have you done that, Kaylea? Have you put
it on Etsy? I'm not that good, but what I am it will
definitely be for salve. Well, that's another thing I want to say.
You have to stay committed and persistent, and you have to practice practice,
practice, and you have to get kind of good at something. I order
stuff on Etsy all the time that people are making at home in their homes,
and I think, wow, how do they have a business doing that?
But they do. Also, I guess I've already done this too.
Is you got to start to market online already because you got to have some
kind of social media presence. Can you imagine if I suddenly took like my
one million TikTok followers and I made a video and said, okay, so
I'm changing the whole brand. We're not going to talk about relationships anymore.
We want to talk about how to make a bed and how to fluff.
I don't know. Could I convert some of my people into customers, I
don't know, but at least I have the social media thing down. But
you should also make sure that you create some kind of business plan. And
that's the biggest mistake people make with their hobbies is they just start going with
their gut and spending too much money and not planning like how they're going to
do it. Anyway, it's my fantasy, and if you have a fantasy,
share it with me on social media. I'm really curious to know what
your other life is, your closet life. Well, if you can talk
about what your closet life is, if you are thinking of taking your hobby
into the real world or maybe changing your life in any way, have you
ever thought about using positive affirmations? I know you hear it all the time.
In fact, there used to be a regular skit on Saturday Night Live
where the person would like look in the mirror and go, I am wonderful,
I'm good, I can do this, and you know, and it
was a joke. Right. Well, there's actually some science to show that
if you use positive affirmations correctly, and I'll explain how then they actually work,
they can change your brain. When we come back, I'm going to
disclose to you my favorite positive affirmation. It's kind of embarrassing, but why
not. I tell everybody everything anyway, there are no secrets around me.
And then let's talk about the science of it and how to do it correctly.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from KFI AM six forty. KFI AM six forty, you have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I
want to talk about positive affirmations. Yeah, we call it self talk.
You know what you're actually saying inside your head to yourself, or if you're
me, you're saying it outside to your head to yourself. Honestly, I
was walking in a grocery store the other day and I was looking for something,
and I was with my daughter, and I was reading, you know,
the drop down menus, the signs on each aisle telling you what's in
there, and I was looking for a specific thing, and so I was
reading them as I went along each aisle, and my daughter suddenly said to
me, why do you have to say everything out loud? Apparently I was
literally reading them out loud because I said, I'm looking for the word that
I need, the thing that i'm missing. Whatever it was, laundry,
detergent, I don't know anyway. So I am an external processor, which
is why I do the job that I do. But I want you to
know that our thoughts are things. They really are things, and our brains
I wish they were more complicated than they are are listening. Our thoughts create
our moods and our feelings, and then our feelings create our behavior. So
here's an example. Let's say you had a critical parent, and say you're
walking into a meeting at work, and you're walking into a conference room and
you hear the critical parent inside your head say, you know, you're not
going to do a good job. No one's gonna like you. Let's hope
they don't call upon you, because it's gonna be bad news, right if
you have to say something. And so when you walk in, you look
for a chair far back so that no one will call on you. Maybe
your shoulders are even a little bit slumped, maybe you're looking down, Maybe
your arms are a crossed across your chest. Maybe you're just you know,
trying to not catch anybody's eye, because if they call on you, you
can not have anything good to say, or it's gonna be bad. They're
gonna reprimand you. Well, now the world responds in kind. They're not
gonna go oh, it looks like she really wants to participate in this meeting.
Let's call on her. And then when they don't, then your negative
thought is confirmed. They don't like me, they don't need me in this
meeting, they don't want more my ideas. That's one tiny example, but
all day long, our thoughts are programming our moods. Then our moods impact
our behavior, and our behavior sends a signal to everyone else about how they
should behave in reaction to us, and often our behavior sadly is seeking confirmation
of our negative thoughts. Now this can totally work in reverse. If you
start off with a positive thought, you walk into that same conference room and
you implant the thought, Hey, I have some good things to add.
I hope they call on me because I know people want to hear my ideas.
And so as a result, you stand a little straighter, you sit
up close to the person who might be leading the meeting. You make sure
that you're an active listener, nodding when they say things so that they will
call on you because they want to hear your brilliant ideas. And then when
you give your brilliant ideas, the world responds by applauding. But you see
how the scenario changes and nothing changed except your initial thought. That is the
thinking behind positive affirmations, simple statements that basically shift your mindset. They shift
you from negativity, they shift you from self criticism, and they shift you
into positivity and focusing on your strengths. So the thinking is that positive affirmations
encourage you, motivate you. They get you to try new things, to
get better at things. I mean, Kayla, I'm sorry, I'm obsessed
with you sitting over this piece of wood and the smoke coming up and the
fire coming from this pan. But you said earlier, well, I'm not
really good yet. I'm wondering if we could plant a positive affirmation that instead
is I'm getting good at this, I'm getting better at this, and every
I'm getting better and better, better and better and better. Exactly, that's
how you program your mind. You see, the person that's in charge in
our brain is our unconscious mind. The unconscious is unconscious. We're not aware
what it's doing, but it's running the show. And the thinking is that
this can program our unconscious mind. There's all kinds of research to show this
is true. In fact, if you're somebody who goes to cognitive behavioral therapy,
maybe your own therapist has asked you to do it, they can help
you accept your reality, look at situations in a more rational way instead of
oh, doom and gloom things are bad. There was one study in twenty
sixteen that showed that positive affirmations activate your brain's reward system and actually can influence
how you experience emotional pain. Yes, you experience less emotional pain when you
preload your brain with positivity. Also, another study showed that affirming yourself can
help you cope with uncertainty and improve your self worth. Now I mentioned I
was going to disclose what my positive affirmation is, so you know, if
you've listened to me for years, you know that I used to have an
anxious ambivalent attachment style self diagnosed here meaning that I was always afraid that people
would abandon me, so I would make sure that I got attracted to people
who would abandon me. And all this goes back to early childhood. My
dad was in the navy. He's a wonderful dad, but he was gone
most of the time, and he'd come back and spoil me, and then
he'd disappear, and I got the feeling of longing all mixed up with love.
So if I was longing for someone's attention, it had to be loved
to me. But I knew I had to retrain my brain. I had
to look at what a secure attachment could feel like. And so I used
this affirmation, which is simply daddy loves me. Because you know, when
a child, when the parent's not there, the only thing they can imagine
is that the parent doesn't love them. That's why they're gone. And so
I would just say it morning, noon, and night. I would put
on post its on my mirror. I did it for weeks. I did
it for months until I started stopping. Like when i'd have anxiety when a
guy would not call me back or not text or whatever, I would actually
say, well, daddy loves me, so I'm fine, and it would
make me not want to see them again. I didn't need that feeling of
longing. So here are some affirmations you can try. You might be something
like I'm strong enough to get through this, or I've got the skills and
abilities to handle this. Or I can accept uncomfortable feelings. Don't push uncomfortable
feelings away, just accept them. They're there, they pass, and then
they disappear again. You can say I believe in myself the most important thing.
And actually I'm going to tell you when we come back, so I
could have to go to break but they're actually three simple rules that make positive
affirmations work. And I'm going to give you the three rules when we come
back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six
forty will Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I AM sixty AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy
Walsh reere to see is the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. Let me wrap up
what I was saying about positive affirmations. They work. There's science that say
they work. You can change your thoughts, your thoughts, change your moods,
your moods, change your behavior, and the world responds differently to you.
But they do not work. According to science. When you think about
the past instead of the future. You know, depression is often said it's
about worrying about the past, while anxiety is worrying about the future. You
need to stay in the present or think positively about the future, be optimistic
about the outcomes. They also won't work if you don't believe in them,
and if you don't put in your best effort. It's not like going to
say a thought over and over like you know, five times and go Okay,
well I tried it. It didn't work. It does take time.
It takes days or weeks or months of constant repetition. Repetition is important.
And the other thing is if you have unhealed trauma or you're experiencing a major
mental health concern, just talking nicely to yourself is not going to fix this.
Right, You need to go to a licensed therapist so you can do
the big work. But for the rest of us having a bad day,
wanting to accomplish more at work, wanting to have healthier relationships, wanting to
grow our self esteem, having positive self talk is probably a good idea all
right. One of the most common questions I get sent privately in my social
media and if you'd like to follow me on my social media. The handle
is at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh. One of the most common
questions I get is, look, I'm really into this friend or this colleague
or whatever, but I don't know how to tell them. How do I
switch up this relationship? How do I change it? I should stop here
to let you know that I have written three books on relationships. The Boyfriend
Asked, The Girlfriend ask The Thirty Day Loved Talks, I wrote a dissertation
on attachment theory. I've been obsessed with the ways that people connect across the
lifespan forever, and like everybody who ever takes a psychology one O one course,
I began this journey because I was trying to heal my own attachment injuries,
so I know from an experiential level what people deal with. Now.
It is possible that some people who have kind of an anxious attachment style may
go one of two directions or an insecure attachment style. They may be afraid
to openly from the beginning pursue someone romantically because they're so afraid of rejection.
They think I'll win them over as a friend first. Many insecure men do
this. For instance, they think I'll just be her friend and then she'll
see I'm just this nice guy. Yeah, and before you know what,
she's asking you for a relationship advice about how she used to deal with the
bad boys. Right, it doesn't usually work once you get friend zoned.
And the other thing that the other direction that people with an insecure attachment style
might do is they might actually come on too strong, too fast, and
cause the person to run away and you know, fulfill their unconscious nightmare that
they're going to be rejected. So there are a lot of people though,
waiting, just hovering, just in someone's radar, hoping that they'll suddenly turn
around and go, oh you, I'm really into you. But the truth
is a healthy intimate relationship. Of course, it's not rushed, but it's
also not too slow. It's from the beginning. Let the person know that
you're kind of evaluating them to be a partner or not. So, if
there's somebody that you're into and you want to find a way to break it
up, up, break it up, bring it up. The first thing
you need to do is evaluate your feelings and ask yourself what kind of relationship
are you really hoping for. Are you hoping for just a sexual relationship with
this person? Is just attraction? Are you hoping for an actual love relationship
a situationship? I mean, figure out what you're asking for before you broach
the topic. Really understand your own feelings about this. Then I think it's
a good idea to choose the right time and place and no text is not
the way to do it. Please don't get off Stop the texting, and
maybe phone calls aren't either. I think you want to be in person,
you want to be alone, and you want to have a little bit of
privacy, and when you express your feelings, just be real, be authentic.
You can say something like, hey, I you know, we've been
friends for a while and I'm starting to have some feelings for you. I
wonder what that sounds like you or what do you How do you feel about
that? Just keep it light and confident. You also have to be prepared
for any response out there, okay, because there's a fifty fifty chance they're
not going to have the same feelings, right, and so you have to
be prepared for some degree of rejection, and you know, maintain open communication.
They might just run away. And then come back later. I do
think it's really important that you understand that the relationship will be forever changed.
It's impossible. So when you're doing this evaluation, you have to really decide,
like, am I willing to sacrifice this friendship? But if you're in
unrequited love, if you're in an unfulfilling friendship because you want more, I
think that's an really uncomfortable place to stay in for a long time. And
so waiting in the wings being in love with hope, thinking this person will
suddenly turn and fall in love with you is never a good idea. I
personally believe. Bring it up, see what happens. There are other friends
you can make, and if they do reject you, make sure you surround
yourself by friends and family who love you just because of you. Seek that
kind of support. Practice self compassion. All right, when we come back,
maybe you're just walking around in a zone and you don't realize that people
there's somebody out there who's actually attracted to you, and they've been sending all
the signals and you've been missing them. When we come back, can I
go over the signals that let you know somebody's into you and If you want
somebody to know you're into them, here are the signals you should be sending.
You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI amc forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on k five AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app