WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I AM six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.279 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AM six forty. You 3 00:00:09.320 --> 00:00:12.880 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 4 00:00:12.960 --> 00:00:15.759 If you're new to my show, you should note that I have a PhD 5 00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:19.839 in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. But boy 6 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:26.440 do I think about human relationships all day long. You I have so much 7 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:30.039 for you this next two hours. I want you to sit back. I 8 00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:33.799 want you to relax. I want you to think about your hobbies, the 9 00:00:33.840 --> 00:00:37.640 stuff you really enjoy doing. We're going to talk about that and what it 10 00:00:37.679 --> 00:00:40.560 does to your brain and why it's good for you. I also, if 11 00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:43.600 you're married, we're going to talk about your marriage uncertain hacks that you may 12 00:00:43.640 --> 00:00:48.039 have. If you're single, I know is somebody out there that you're a 13 00:00:48.039 --> 00:00:52.479 little bit interested in. Maybe they friend zoned you. Maybe you want to 14 00:00:52.479 --> 00:00:57.159 find a way to broach the topic. I've got some advice for you as 15 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:02.880 well. Maybe there's somebody out there who really sending all the signals that they 16 00:01:02.880 --> 00:01:07.799 are into you and you're not reading them. I'm going to explain that as 17 00:01:07.879 --> 00:01:11.400 well. But first let's check in with the crowd. Kyla, how you 18 00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:15.560 doing this weekend? I am wonderful. Doctor Wendy, how are you good? 19 00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:17.680 What'd you do? What'd you do this weekend? Did you have fun? 20 00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:19.840 Worked? Well? I worked and I had fun. It was a 21 00:01:19.879 --> 00:01:23.120 perfect balance. I can't remember what I did, but I know I had 22 00:01:23.159 --> 00:01:26.280 a good time these days. I was one. Well you're looking light and 23 00:01:26.359 --> 00:01:30.760 happy, Raoul, welcome to the show. How you doing? Oh yeah, 24 00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:34.359 fantastic. Remember that I go over I don't watch the time. I 25 00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:37.040 get on tangents. I get all over the place. So just yell in 26 00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:38.439 my ear when it's time for us to go to a break. Because Mark 27 00:01:38.519 --> 00:01:42.280 Ronner has a job too. Hey Mark, how you doing? Always a 28 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:45.640 pleasure? How are you? I am great? What is your hobby? 29 00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:47.560 By the way, do you have a hobby? I watch a ton of 30 00:01:47.599 --> 00:01:49.599 movies, I read a lot of books, and I do a lot of 31 00:01:49.599 --> 00:01:53.120 writing. Okay, well hold that thought, because I'm gonna explain what that 32 00:01:53.159 --> 00:01:56.959 may say about you. Kayla. What's your favorite hobby? Oh? I 33 00:01:57.079 --> 00:02:00.840 like to work out, hike, and I also got into biography where you 34 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:05.519 burn a wood to make art. I find that very high oography. Yeah, 35 00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:08.719 like you get to be a pyromaniac safely. Yeah, I guess so. 36 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:13.319 Yeah, I think I would really like that. Smells good, it's 37 00:02:13.360 --> 00:02:15.560 relaxing, you get to let out some creative juices. Is very fun. 38 00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:20.319 What do you use like a blowtorch? No, they have biography pens that 39 00:02:20.360 --> 00:02:22.719 you could just order on Amazon, and then you just get the wood from 40 00:02:22.759 --> 00:02:24.800 Michaels and then you have a field day. A little fire comes out of 41 00:02:24.840 --> 00:02:29.400 the pen. It just burns. It doesn't it doesn't set on fire, 42 00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:31.280 but it gets very very high part. It's like my steak on the bar. 43 00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:37.159 You go exact, Charlie exactly. Yeah, that's a very interesting hobby. 44 00:02:37.240 --> 00:02:38.439 Right, Well, do you have a hobby? Absolutely? I am 45 00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:43.400 a music nerd, so music is definitely a hobby. Okay, everyone hold 46 00:02:43.439 --> 00:02:46.000 that thought because in a couple of minutes, going to explain what your hobbies 47 00:02:46.039 --> 00:02:51.199 say about you and what kinds of hobbies you probably shouldn't mention on a job 48 00:02:51.240 --> 00:02:53.520 interview, and the kinds of hobbies if you do do them, they should 49 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:57.840 definitely mention right away on a job interview. But first I have to tell 50 00:02:57.840 --> 00:03:00.639 you a story because I'm bursting with this story. So I was racing back 51 00:03:00.680 --> 00:03:07.039 after a little road trip today, and what I do my Sunday routine is 52 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:09.400 I like to plan my show out of my head. Do all my reading 53 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:13.439 make a kind of rundown. That's a bunch of bullet points, which, 54 00:03:13.479 --> 00:03:15.280 by the way, then I throw it away once I get it. But 55 00:03:15.680 --> 00:03:21.479 there's some security blanket to me knowing that while I'm on live radio, if 56 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:24.759 I suddenly have a total brain space, I can look down at a paper 57 00:03:24.759 --> 00:03:28.840 and see a keyword and pick up and keep going. So this is like 58 00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:31.000 my just security blankket. I mean, I don't read from it a glance 59 00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:34.759 from time to time, but if I don't have it, I have no 60 00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:38.800 show in my head. There's no rundown, there's nothing. I knew traffic 61 00:03:38.840 --> 00:03:40.360 would be bad. I knew there's a good chance I could be late. 62 00:03:40.520 --> 00:03:44.360 I didn't want kay let have to run and printed all that stuff, and 63 00:03:44.439 --> 00:03:47.319 I needed a hard copy. So I pull off the five freeway. I 64 00:03:47.400 --> 00:03:53.000 get on a dusty road and I find one of those little tiny convenience stores. 65 00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:58.000 I mean there was nothing. There was a pizza shop, there was 66 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:00.520 a little tiny they called it a market, keff face store or whatever. 67 00:04:01.159 --> 00:04:05.560 A couple of gas tanks out front, and nothing else for miles. I 68 00:04:05.719 --> 00:04:10.680 walk in. There's a woman working there. She's actually busy, like frying 69 00:04:10.759 --> 00:04:13.800 hamburgers for somebody in the back, and she comes out the cash and I 70 00:04:13.879 --> 00:04:15.439 said, Hey, I know this is the weirdest thing in the world, 71 00:04:15.519 --> 00:04:19.920 but do you happen to have a printer here? And she says no, 72 00:04:20.079 --> 00:04:24.600 And I go, where's the closest, you know, FedEx, Kinkos whatever, 73 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:28.639 And she's like, like an hour away, and I'm like and then 74 00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:30.279 she goes, you know, I have an old printer in my house. 75 00:04:30.360 --> 00:04:33.279 I live next door. Let me go get it and plug it in if 76 00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:36.240 you don't mind. The cartridge is old, so it might have one of 77 00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:40.879 those streaks down the middle of the ink. But if that's okay, I'll 78 00:04:40.920 --> 00:04:43.920 do that. And I'm like, really, you wouldn't mind doing that? 79 00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:46.319 She's like, sure, no problem, no problem. So a few minutes 80 00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:51.439 later, she hauls back in this printer and I email her my little rundown 81 00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:55.360 and while she went in the back to plug it in and get it going. 82 00:04:55.399 --> 00:04:59.120 And I don't know if you're anything like me, but these are technological 83 00:04:59.240 --> 00:05:00.639 nightmares for me, trying to get a printer to talk to a phone in 84 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:04.680 the Wi Fi And anyway, she did it no problem. And while she's 85 00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:10.120 back there, I happened to glance around this very small store and I see 86 00:05:10.160 --> 00:05:14.680 that shelves are almost completely empty, and I'm thinking, is she moving? 87 00:05:15.240 --> 00:05:18.600 Like I know, the drink machines, like the fridges were full of drinks, 88 00:05:18.839 --> 00:05:24.000 but where there should have been protein bars and bags of chips and whatever, 89 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:28.959 coffee, tea, whatever, empty. So she comes back with my 90 00:05:29.079 --> 00:05:30.920 printer thing, and I say, what's going on? Why are your shelf 91 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:35.120 so empty? And she said, oh, well, I just bought this 92 00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:42.879 store a few months ago, and I really trusted my employees too much, 93 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.279 and they stole from me, and so I ran out of money and I 94 00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:53.079 can't afford to buy any more stock until I sell what's here. And I'm 95 00:05:53.079 --> 00:05:54.959 like, oh my gosh. She goes, yeah, I got to be 96 00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:59.120 careful not to trust people as much. And then I said, I'm so 97 00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:01.000 sorry. And as I'm saying that, I'm grabbing anything I can find to 98 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:04.079 buy it, Like there was one little can of coffee, Okay, I'll 99 00:06:04.079 --> 00:06:06.959 get that and I'll get a diet cocon. I'll get this, and I'll 100 00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:10.360 take this. And I go and oh, don't forget to add on the 101 00:06:10.439 --> 00:06:14.600 printing fee, and she goes, oh no, honey, I just did 102 00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:17.319 that as a favor for you. I don't charge for that. So I 103 00:06:17.399 --> 00:06:21.759 get in my car and I'm driving away, and I'm thinking to myself, 104 00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:28.040 here's this kind person in the middle of nowhere who helped out a stranger in 105 00:06:28.079 --> 00:06:30.680 a moment of weird professional need. And I think. I get on my 106 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:36.480 phone and I google where's the nearest Costco. There's a Costco thirty minutes away. 107 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:40.120 My bomb over there, and Kayla was wondering why I was late. 108 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:43.639 There you go. I bomb over to this Costco. I run in. 109 00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:47.360 It's busy, crazy on a Sunday, and I just pack my thing with 110 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:53.040 like boxes and boxes of protein bars and those boxes that have little bags of 111 00:06:53.079 --> 00:06:57.439 potato chips and pringles and you know, whatever stuff that you would find in 112 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:01.680 a convenience store. And then I drive lady minutes back to her store and 113 00:07:02.600 --> 00:07:06.839 I go in and I go, I hope this doesn't seem intrusive. You 114 00:07:06.839 --> 00:07:11.040 are so kind to me. I just wanted to give you a little stock 115 00:07:11.279 --> 00:07:13.720 that you could sell in your store, and I had a little note on 116 00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:18.639 it that said, please don't stop trusting people. And she started crying and 117 00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:21.160 she gave me a hug and whatever. It was really sweet moment. Anyway, 118 00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:25.319 This is not a story to say, doctor Wendy's such a nice person. 119 00:07:25.639 --> 00:07:30.639 This is a story to say, at every minute in our day, 120 00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:34.959 there's somebody around us. And you know, for me, I have the 121 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:40.199 privilege of being able to drop a couple hundred dollars on a stranger, and 122 00:07:40.360 --> 00:07:44.439 I'm very lucky that I'm in that position in my life. I also know 123 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:47.560 that I've had times in my life where I've really struggled financially, so therefore 124 00:07:47.560 --> 00:07:53.639 I had great empathy for her at that moment. But the point is, 125 00:07:54.399 --> 00:08:01.079 look around your life. Ask yourself who needs help? Is it somebody you 126 00:08:01.120 --> 00:08:05.920 know that's a stranger. Is it somebody that is a family member that is 127 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:09.439 a friend. Just ask yourself, because I'll tell you this. When I 128 00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:11.800 drove away, that woman had tears in her eyes. She gave me a 129 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:16.439 tight hug. Stranger. I felt so good And what did it take? 130 00:08:16.759 --> 00:08:18.199 An hour of my life? And I wasn't even late in the end, 131 00:08:18.199 --> 00:08:22.879 it was all that stress, all right, let us get into hobbies. 132 00:08:22.920 --> 00:08:26.759 Here's why this topic of hobbies came up for me. I was having dinner 133 00:08:26.759 --> 00:08:31.160 with a group of friends last night and one of them said, I was 134 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.480 talking, one was staying, is a gath house guess at my house? 135 00:08:33.639 --> 00:08:35.120 When they were like, oh, I just love how you put the little 136 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:39.559 bottle of water beside the bed and the little flower, and you put the 137 00:08:39.639 --> 00:08:43.080 magazine and the pillows all rang and I said, I'm a closet hotelier. 138 00:08:43.799 --> 00:08:48.519 You know, my dream is to own like a boutique hotel. And she 139 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:52.919 very quickly said, I'm a closet realtor. I just live on Zillo and 140 00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:54.720 I should have gone into real estate instead of what I'm doing. And then 141 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:58.759 her husband said, I'm a closet architect. I mean, those poor architects, 142 00:08:58.759 --> 00:09:01.440 if I ever worked with them, I'm over telling them what to do. 143 00:09:01.919 --> 00:09:03.679 Then I started thinking about my boyfriend Julio. I'm like, he's a 144 00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:09.639 classic car fixer upper, Like he spends forever online trying to figure out what 145 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:16.440 windshield wiper go with, what year classic car whatever. I mean, these 146 00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:22.200 hobbies take a lot of space in our brain. But our interests and passion 147 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:26.679 say a lot about who we are. For instance, if you have, 148 00:09:26.919 --> 00:09:30.840 like I've just learned something about Kayla because she's burning wood there with some electric 149 00:09:30.840 --> 00:09:35.399 amazing pen from Amazon, that she has a skill and a talent that I 150 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:39.720 never knew about that I could never do. It also tells you something about 151 00:09:39.759 --> 00:09:43.840 people's social orientation. I learned from Mark Ronner, for instance, because he's 152 00:09:43.840 --> 00:09:48.480 a movie watcher, an enthusiast, and also a big reader, that his 153 00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:54.559 social orientation might be a little more preserving solitude and liking to do things alone. 154 00:09:56.600 --> 00:10:01.480 Other people might have problem solving and analytical ability that shows up. Other 155 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:07.320 people are completely creative by their hobbies. And and some people you show perseverance 156 00:10:07.360 --> 00:10:11.159 because whatever their hobby is, it took years and years and years to hone, 157 00:10:11.559 --> 00:10:16.159 Like somebody who plays a musical instrument. You know it is the one 158 00:10:16.200 --> 00:10:20.279 of the number one questions asked in job interviews. And I gotta say nowadays, 159 00:10:20.639 --> 00:10:24.039 the poor employers are really limited in what they can ask. I mean, 160 00:10:24.039 --> 00:10:26.840 you can't ask you about it? How many kids do you have? 161 00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:30.240 Oh? Is that discrimination against parents? You can't ask like, uh, 162 00:10:30.639 --> 00:10:33.159 you know, what's what's your gender? What. You can't ask a lot 163 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:39.600 of things, but you can ask what your hobby is. Now, there 164 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:46.120 are certain things that you should never ever say in a job interview when asked, 165 00:10:46.639 --> 00:10:48.120 what do you do in your free time or what's your favorite hobby? 166 00:10:48.440 --> 00:10:50.480 Kayla, if you had to guess what the number one thing is, you 167 00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:54.440 shouldn't say you do, even if you do it regularly. What it is? 168 00:10:54.879 --> 00:11:03.639 Nothing lay around, be lazy. Definitely anything to do with politics, 169 00:11:05.320 --> 00:11:09.480 because you don't know the orientation of that employer. Anyway, when we come 170 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:11.919 back, I've got a few more things that you shouldn't talk about in job 171 00:11:11.960 --> 00:11:16.600 interviews. And also the number one hobby you think about it, the number 172 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:20.799 one hobby that you should always say you do in a job interview. You 173 00:11:20.840 --> 00:11:24.240 are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells Show on kf I AM six forty. 174 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:30.399 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on 175 00:11:30.480 --> 00:11:37.399 demand from kf I AM six forty six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh 176 00:11:37.399 --> 00:11:39.559 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. We're talking about your 177 00:11:39.559 --> 00:11:45.000 hobbies. Could your hobby actually be your career? I mean we're not meant 178 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:48.240 to do the same thing for our entire lives. And now, because of 179 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:54.039 the gig economy, many people do two or even three jobs at once because 180 00:11:54.039 --> 00:11:56.879 they want to, hopefully not because they have to. But we're talking about 181 00:11:56.919 --> 00:12:01.440 which kinds of hobbies you probably shouldn't mention in a job interview. I mentioned 182 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:09.200 politics or anything else really controversial, right, highly religious stuff, political stuff. 183 00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:13.519 Just don't Okay, that's not job. You're not saying I'm March every 184 00:12:13.559 --> 00:12:18.919 weekend. I'm trying to change the world so the government will be tougher on 185 00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:22.000 corporate America. No, you do not saying that in a job interview. 186 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:26.919 You want to get paid by corporate America, all right. Also time consuming 187 00:12:26.919 --> 00:12:31.000 habits, you know what, say, Oh, I travel internationally for very 188 00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:33.039 long trips. I'd like to go away for a month at a time. 189 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.600 You're on a job interview. They want to know that you can sell your 190 00:12:35.639 --> 00:12:41.799 time. Also hobbies that are completely antisocial, like well, I play video 191 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:46.519 games a lot. If you're sitting in your mom's basement playing video games all 192 00:12:46.559 --> 00:12:50.440 day, you don't want to mention that in a job interview. What you 193 00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:54.840 should talk about are things that showcase your leadership abilities, team sports, showing 194 00:12:54.879 --> 00:13:00.200 that your team oriented community organizations, not the religious ones, just you know, 195 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:05.600 community organizations. I coach my kids baseball team or whatever, clubs groups 196 00:13:05.960 --> 00:13:09.799 all neutral fun. I run a community garden, whatever. I volunteer at 197 00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:16.720 the farmer's market. Creative pursuits like Kayla, I did not know you're burning 198 00:13:16.759 --> 00:13:20.759 wood with a little pen. I'm a class. Could you actually keep that 199 00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:24.879 pen in your purse and use it on a human if you had to? 200 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:30.840 I maybe it could be a weapon of self events. I'm just picturing this 201 00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:37.159 thing. But obviously being creative shows a potential employer that you can problem solve. 202 00:13:37.600 --> 00:13:39.919 And also anything to do with personal development. Mark Runner mentioned he's a 203 00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:43.440 big reader, right, something that makes you think and gets to be okay. 204 00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:46.879 But the thing you should oh and the number one thing that you should 205 00:13:46.919 --> 00:13:50.639 definitely mention in a job interview and if you don't do it, you should 206 00:13:50.639 --> 00:13:58.080 do it volunteering and community involvement. Oh, employers love people who volunteer because 207 00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:01.320 maybe they'll volunteer for more task because at the office it's like the number one 208 00:14:01.360 --> 00:14:05.879 thing that you're supposed to mention. All right. I mentioned earlier that I 209 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:07.120 was at dinner with a group of friends and we all mentioned that we were 210 00:14:07.159 --> 00:14:11.519 a closet something else. We had some passion for something. I mentioned that 211 00:14:11.559 --> 00:14:15.200 mine was, you know, someday I want to run a boutique hotel with 212 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:20.080 somewhere between five and twelve rooms, and I want to just put the lavender 213 00:14:20.120 --> 00:14:22.879 spray on the pillows every day and just fluff it up and make it beautiful. 214 00:14:22.960 --> 00:14:26.879 And I don't know if it'll ever happen. I mean I knew a 215 00:14:26.919 --> 00:14:28.720 lot of money to do that, apparently, and I don't have that. 216 00:14:28.039 --> 00:14:33.559 But no matter what your hobby is, there are ways to determine if you're 217 00:14:33.559 --> 00:14:37.600 ready to go public with it. Do it as an income, maybe not 218 00:14:37.639 --> 00:14:41.399 a primary source of income, And the first thing you need to do is 219 00:14:41.399 --> 00:14:45.720 evaluate the market demand. I've been doing that in the last little bit because 220 00:14:45.759 --> 00:14:48.120 I have a small airbnb so I get to play, you know, not 221 00:14:48.399 --> 00:14:52.799 five to ten hotel rooms. I got one room, little cottage. But 222 00:14:52.960 --> 00:14:58.200 you know, I've been seeing what it's like. Is there a demand for 223 00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:03.120 my services? So beak. So that's how I tested the waters, and 224 00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:05.559 I think it's important that we all test the waters in certain areas. I 225 00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:11.159 see Kayla at a farmer's market with her wood her burned, would all her 226 00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:15.960 beauty just on display just to see if anyone, But hey, you could 227 00:15:15.960 --> 00:15:18.120 put it on Etsy. Have you done that, Kaylea? Have you put 228 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:22.720 it on Etsy? I'm not that good, but what I am it will 229 00:15:22.799 --> 00:15:26.679 definitely be for salve. Well, that's another thing I want to say. 230 00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:28.639 You have to stay committed and persistent, and you have to practice practice, 231 00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:33.840 practice, and you have to get kind of good at something. I order 232 00:15:33.879 --> 00:15:37.759 stuff on Etsy all the time that people are making at home in their homes, 233 00:15:37.799 --> 00:15:39.799 and I think, wow, how do they have a business doing that? 234 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:43.879 But they do. Also, I guess I've already done this too. 235 00:15:45.279 --> 00:15:48.360 Is you got to start to market online already because you got to have some 236 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:50.879 kind of social media presence. Can you imagine if I suddenly took like my 237 00:15:50.919 --> 00:15:54.159 one million TikTok followers and I made a video and said, okay, so 238 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:56.759 I'm changing the whole brand. We're not going to talk about relationships anymore. 239 00:15:56.879 --> 00:16:00.279 We want to talk about how to make a bed and how to fluff. 240 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:03.480 I don't know. Could I convert some of my people into customers, I 241 00:16:03.480 --> 00:16:07.759 don't know, but at least I have the social media thing down. But 242 00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:12.879 you should also make sure that you create some kind of business plan. And 243 00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:17.639 that's the biggest mistake people make with their hobbies is they just start going with 244 00:16:17.679 --> 00:16:22.360 their gut and spending too much money and not planning like how they're going to 245 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:25.759 do it. Anyway, it's my fantasy, and if you have a fantasy, 246 00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:29.200 share it with me on social media. I'm really curious to know what 247 00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:32.799 your other life is, your closet life. Well, if you can talk 248 00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:37.360 about what your closet life is, if you are thinking of taking your hobby 249 00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:42.919 into the real world or maybe changing your life in any way, have you 250 00:16:42.919 --> 00:16:48.799 ever thought about using positive affirmations? I know you hear it all the time. 251 00:16:49.000 --> 00:16:52.679 In fact, there used to be a regular skit on Saturday Night Live 252 00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:56.279 where the person would like look in the mirror and go, I am wonderful, 253 00:16:56.559 --> 00:17:00.000 I'm good, I can do this, and you know, and it 254 00:17:00.039 --> 00:17:04.319 was a joke. Right. Well, there's actually some science to show that 255 00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:11.680 if you use positive affirmations correctly, and I'll explain how then they actually work, 256 00:17:11.119 --> 00:17:15.880 they can change your brain. When we come back, I'm going to 257 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:21.480 disclose to you my favorite positive affirmation. It's kind of embarrassing, but why 258 00:17:21.480 --> 00:17:22.960 not. I tell everybody everything anyway, there are no secrets around me. 259 00:17:23.319 --> 00:17:26.599 And then let's talk about the science of it and how to do it correctly. 260 00:17:26.960 --> 00:17:30.759 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. 261 00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:37.039 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 262 00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:41.839 on demand from KFI AM six forty. KFI AM six forty, you have 263 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:45.079 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I 264 00:17:45.119 --> 00:17:49.519 want to talk about positive affirmations. Yeah, we call it self talk. 265 00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:56.480 You know what you're actually saying inside your head to yourself, or if you're 266 00:17:56.519 --> 00:18:00.599 me, you're saying it outside to your head to yourself. Honestly, I 267 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:03.559 was walking in a grocery store the other day and I was looking for something, 268 00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:06.240 and I was with my daughter, and I was reading, you know, 269 00:18:06.279 --> 00:18:08.640 the drop down menus, the signs on each aisle telling you what's in 270 00:18:08.680 --> 00:18:11.400 there, and I was looking for a specific thing, and so I was 271 00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:15.119 reading them as I went along each aisle, and my daughter suddenly said to 272 00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:18.640 me, why do you have to say everything out loud? Apparently I was 273 00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:22.759 literally reading them out loud because I said, I'm looking for the word that 274 00:18:22.839 --> 00:18:25.599 I need, the thing that i'm missing. Whatever it was, laundry, 275 00:18:25.640 --> 00:18:30.400 detergent, I don't know anyway. So I am an external processor, which 276 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:34.079 is why I do the job that I do. But I want you to 277 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:41.039 know that our thoughts are things. They really are things, and our brains 278 00:18:41.079 --> 00:18:47.880 I wish they were more complicated than they are are listening. Our thoughts create 279 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:53.319 our moods and our feelings, and then our feelings create our behavior. So 280 00:18:53.480 --> 00:19:00.119 here's an example. Let's say you had a critical parent, and say you're 281 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:07.960 walking into a meeting at work, and you're walking into a conference room and 282 00:19:07.319 --> 00:19:14.160 you hear the critical parent inside your head say, you know, you're not 283 00:19:14.160 --> 00:19:15.400 going to do a good job. No one's gonna like you. Let's hope 284 00:19:15.400 --> 00:19:18.079 they don't call upon you, because it's gonna be bad news, right if 285 00:19:18.079 --> 00:19:23.319 you have to say something. And so when you walk in, you look 286 00:19:23.359 --> 00:19:26.960 for a chair far back so that no one will call on you. Maybe 287 00:19:27.000 --> 00:19:32.039 your shoulders are even a little bit slumped, maybe you're looking down, Maybe 288 00:19:32.039 --> 00:19:36.160 your arms are a crossed across your chest. Maybe you're just you know, 289 00:19:36.200 --> 00:19:37.839 trying to not catch anybody's eye, because if they call on you, you 290 00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:41.200 can not have anything good to say, or it's gonna be bad. They're 291 00:19:41.200 --> 00:19:47.039 gonna reprimand you. Well, now the world responds in kind. They're not 292 00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:49.880 gonna go oh, it looks like she really wants to participate in this meeting. 293 00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:55.319 Let's call on her. And then when they don't, then your negative 294 00:19:55.319 --> 00:19:57.559 thought is confirmed. They don't like me, they don't need me in this 295 00:19:57.640 --> 00:20:03.839 meeting, they don't want more my ideas. That's one tiny example, but 296 00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:11.720 all day long, our thoughts are programming our moods. Then our moods impact 297 00:20:11.720 --> 00:20:15.920 our behavior, and our behavior sends a signal to everyone else about how they 298 00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:22.759 should behave in reaction to us, and often our behavior sadly is seeking confirmation 299 00:20:22.920 --> 00:20:29.359 of our negative thoughts. Now this can totally work in reverse. If you 300 00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:33.000 start off with a positive thought, you walk into that same conference room and 301 00:20:33.119 --> 00:20:36.599 you implant the thought, Hey, I have some good things to add. 302 00:20:37.119 --> 00:20:41.279 I hope they call on me because I know people want to hear my ideas. 303 00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:45.000 And so as a result, you stand a little straighter, you sit 304 00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:48.559 up close to the person who might be leading the meeting. You make sure 305 00:20:48.599 --> 00:20:52.559 that you're an active listener, nodding when they say things so that they will 306 00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:56.000 call on you because they want to hear your brilliant ideas. And then when 307 00:20:56.039 --> 00:21:03.160 you give your brilliant ideas, the world responds by applauding. But you see 308 00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:10.079 how the scenario changes and nothing changed except your initial thought. That is the 309 00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:21.000 thinking behind positive affirmations, simple statements that basically shift your mindset. They shift 310 00:21:21.079 --> 00:21:27.319 you from negativity, they shift you from self criticism, and they shift you 311 00:21:27.480 --> 00:21:36.920 into positivity and focusing on your strengths. So the thinking is that positive affirmations 312 00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:41.079 encourage you, motivate you. They get you to try new things, to 313 00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:45.279 get better at things. I mean, Kayla, I'm sorry, I'm obsessed 314 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:48.680 with you sitting over this piece of wood and the smoke coming up and the 315 00:21:48.759 --> 00:21:53.000 fire coming from this pan. But you said earlier, well, I'm not 316 00:21:53.039 --> 00:22:00.440 really good yet. I'm wondering if we could plant a positive affirmation that instead 317 00:22:00.640 --> 00:22:04.519 is I'm getting good at this, I'm getting better at this, and every 318 00:22:04.519 --> 00:22:08.839 I'm getting better and better, better and better and better. Exactly, that's 319 00:22:08.839 --> 00:22:14.559 how you program your mind. You see, the person that's in charge in 320 00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:18.599 our brain is our unconscious mind. The unconscious is unconscious. We're not aware 321 00:22:19.079 --> 00:22:23.359 what it's doing, but it's running the show. And the thinking is that 322 00:22:23.640 --> 00:22:27.839 this can program our unconscious mind. There's all kinds of research to show this 323 00:22:27.920 --> 00:22:32.839 is true. In fact, if you're somebody who goes to cognitive behavioral therapy, 324 00:22:32.839 --> 00:22:36.920 maybe your own therapist has asked you to do it, they can help 325 00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:41.640 you accept your reality, look at situations in a more rational way instead of 326 00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:45.680 oh, doom and gloom things are bad. There was one study in twenty 327 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:52.839 sixteen that showed that positive affirmations activate your brain's reward system and actually can influence 328 00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:59.839 how you experience emotional pain. Yes, you experience less emotional pain when you 329 00:23:00.039 --> 00:23:06.519 preload your brain with positivity. Also, another study showed that affirming yourself can 330 00:23:06.559 --> 00:23:11.559 help you cope with uncertainty and improve your self worth. Now I mentioned I 331 00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:15.519 was going to disclose what my positive affirmation is, so you know, if 332 00:23:15.559 --> 00:23:18.400 you've listened to me for years, you know that I used to have an 333 00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:26.079 anxious ambivalent attachment style self diagnosed here meaning that I was always afraid that people 334 00:23:26.079 --> 00:23:29.119 would abandon me, so I would make sure that I got attracted to people 335 00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:33.559 who would abandon me. And all this goes back to early childhood. My 336 00:23:33.640 --> 00:23:36.160 dad was in the navy. He's a wonderful dad, but he was gone 337 00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:37.319 most of the time, and he'd come back and spoil me, and then 338 00:23:37.319 --> 00:23:42.279 he'd disappear, and I got the feeling of longing all mixed up with love. 339 00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:47.319 So if I was longing for someone's attention, it had to be loved 340 00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:49.480 to me. But I knew I had to retrain my brain. I had 341 00:23:49.519 --> 00:23:55.720 to look at what a secure attachment could feel like. And so I used 342 00:23:55.799 --> 00:24:00.880 this affirmation, which is simply daddy loves me. Because you know, when 343 00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:03.160 a child, when the parent's not there, the only thing they can imagine 344 00:24:03.200 --> 00:24:07.359 is that the parent doesn't love them. That's why they're gone. And so 345 00:24:07.400 --> 00:24:08.559 I would just say it morning, noon, and night. I would put 346 00:24:08.599 --> 00:24:11.480 on post its on my mirror. I did it for weeks. I did 347 00:24:11.519 --> 00:24:17.759 it for months until I started stopping. Like when i'd have anxiety when a 348 00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:21.759 guy would not call me back or not text or whatever, I would actually 349 00:24:21.799 --> 00:24:23.279 say, well, daddy loves me, so I'm fine, and it would 350 00:24:23.319 --> 00:24:27.880 make me not want to see them again. I didn't need that feeling of 351 00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:33.200 longing. So here are some affirmations you can try. You might be something 352 00:24:33.240 --> 00:24:37.039 like I'm strong enough to get through this, or I've got the skills and 353 00:24:37.079 --> 00:24:41.279 abilities to handle this. Or I can accept uncomfortable feelings. Don't push uncomfortable 354 00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:45.039 feelings away, just accept them. They're there, they pass, and then 355 00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:49.759 they disappear again. You can say I believe in myself the most important thing. 356 00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:52.279 And actually I'm going to tell you when we come back, so I 357 00:24:52.279 --> 00:24:57.400 could have to go to break but they're actually three simple rules that make positive 358 00:24:57.440 --> 00:25:00.680 affirmations work. And I'm going to give you the three rules when we come 359 00:25:00.680 --> 00:25:03.759 back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six 360 00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:08.559 forty will Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 361 00:25:08.599 --> 00:25:15.079 on demand from kf I AM sixty AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy 362 00:25:15.079 --> 00:25:18.759 Walsh reere to see is the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. Let me wrap up 363 00:25:18.759 --> 00:25:22.799 what I was saying about positive affirmations. They work. There's science that say 364 00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:27.160 they work. You can change your thoughts, your thoughts, change your moods, 365 00:25:27.319 --> 00:25:32.319 your moods, change your behavior, and the world responds differently to you. 366 00:25:32.920 --> 00:25:37.440 But they do not work. According to science. When you think about 367 00:25:37.480 --> 00:25:42.480 the past instead of the future. You know, depression is often said it's 368 00:25:42.480 --> 00:25:48.519 about worrying about the past, while anxiety is worrying about the future. You 369 00:25:48.599 --> 00:25:52.480 need to stay in the present or think positively about the future, be optimistic 370 00:25:52.720 --> 00:25:56.440 about the outcomes. They also won't work if you don't believe in them, 371 00:25:56.559 --> 00:26:00.319 and if you don't put in your best effort. It's not like going to 372 00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:03.759 say a thought over and over like you know, five times and go Okay, 373 00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:06.559 well I tried it. It didn't work. It does take time. 374 00:26:07.079 --> 00:26:11.920 It takes days or weeks or months of constant repetition. Repetition is important. 375 00:26:11.759 --> 00:26:18.200 And the other thing is if you have unhealed trauma or you're experiencing a major 376 00:26:18.319 --> 00:26:23.880 mental health concern, just talking nicely to yourself is not going to fix this. 377 00:26:25.240 --> 00:26:27.839 Right, You need to go to a licensed therapist so you can do 378 00:26:27.880 --> 00:26:32.519 the big work. But for the rest of us having a bad day, 379 00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:37.759 wanting to accomplish more at work, wanting to have healthier relationships, wanting to 380 00:26:37.799 --> 00:26:42.960 grow our self esteem, having positive self talk is probably a good idea all 381 00:26:44.079 --> 00:26:49.880 right. One of the most common questions I get sent privately in my social 382 00:26:49.920 --> 00:26:52.559 media and if you'd like to follow me on my social media. The handle 383 00:26:52.680 --> 00:26:57.440 is at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh. One of the most common 384 00:26:57.519 --> 00:27:04.319 questions I get is, look, I'm really into this friend or this colleague 385 00:27:06.039 --> 00:27:10.319 or whatever, but I don't know how to tell them. How do I 386 00:27:10.440 --> 00:27:14.720 switch up this relationship? How do I change it? I should stop here 387 00:27:14.759 --> 00:27:18.319 to let you know that I have written three books on relationships. The Boyfriend 388 00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:22.960 Asked, The Girlfriend ask The Thirty Day Loved Talks, I wrote a dissertation 389 00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:27.519 on attachment theory. I've been obsessed with the ways that people connect across the 390 00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:33.839 lifespan forever, and like everybody who ever takes a psychology one O one course, 391 00:27:34.440 --> 00:27:38.359 I began this journey because I was trying to heal my own attachment injuries, 392 00:27:38.920 --> 00:27:45.039 so I know from an experiential level what people deal with. Now. 393 00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:51.440 It is possible that some people who have kind of an anxious attachment style may 394 00:27:51.480 --> 00:27:56.039 go one of two directions or an insecure attachment style. They may be afraid 395 00:27:56.680 --> 00:28:02.680 to openly from the beginning pursue someone romantically because they're so afraid of rejection. 396 00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:08.640 They think I'll win them over as a friend first. Many insecure men do 397 00:28:08.680 --> 00:28:12.759 this. For instance, they think I'll just be her friend and then she'll 398 00:28:12.839 --> 00:28:17.480 see I'm just this nice guy. Yeah, and before you know what, 399 00:28:17.519 --> 00:28:19.480 she's asking you for a relationship advice about how she used to deal with the 400 00:28:19.480 --> 00:28:23.599 bad boys. Right, it doesn't usually work once you get friend zoned. 401 00:28:25.279 --> 00:28:29.400 And the other thing that the other direction that people with an insecure attachment style 402 00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:33.720 might do is they might actually come on too strong, too fast, and 403 00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:38.160 cause the person to run away and you know, fulfill their unconscious nightmare that 404 00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:41.720 they're going to be rejected. So there are a lot of people though, 405 00:28:41.759 --> 00:28:48.559 waiting, just hovering, just in someone's radar, hoping that they'll suddenly turn 406 00:28:48.599 --> 00:28:53.559 around and go, oh you, I'm really into you. But the truth 407 00:28:53.759 --> 00:29:00.279 is a healthy intimate relationship. Of course, it's not rushed, but it's 408 00:29:00.279 --> 00:29:04.680 also not too slow. It's from the beginning. Let the person know that 409 00:29:04.720 --> 00:29:11.119 you're kind of evaluating them to be a partner or not. So, if 410 00:29:11.160 --> 00:29:15.039 there's somebody that you're into and you want to find a way to break it 411 00:29:15.079 --> 00:29:18.960 up, up, break it up, bring it up. The first thing 412 00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:22.480 you need to do is evaluate your feelings and ask yourself what kind of relationship 413 00:29:22.480 --> 00:29:27.039 are you really hoping for. Are you hoping for just a sexual relationship with 414 00:29:27.079 --> 00:29:33.799 this person? Is just attraction? Are you hoping for an actual love relationship 415 00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:38.240 a situationship? I mean, figure out what you're asking for before you broach 416 00:29:38.319 --> 00:29:45.480 the topic. Really understand your own feelings about this. Then I think it's 417 00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:48.720 a good idea to choose the right time and place and no text is not 418 00:29:48.759 --> 00:29:52.200 the way to do it. Please don't get off Stop the texting, and 419 00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:55.759 maybe phone calls aren't either. I think you want to be in person, 420 00:29:56.119 --> 00:29:57.400 you want to be alone, and you want to have a little bit of 421 00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:04.319 privacy, and when you express your feelings, just be real, be authentic. 422 00:30:06.279 --> 00:30:10.400 You can say something like, hey, I you know, we've been 423 00:30:10.400 --> 00:30:14.400 friends for a while and I'm starting to have some feelings for you. I 424 00:30:14.440 --> 00:30:17.519 wonder what that sounds like you or what do you How do you feel about 425 00:30:17.559 --> 00:30:22.279 that? Just keep it light and confident. You also have to be prepared 426 00:30:22.319 --> 00:30:27.839 for any response out there, okay, because there's a fifty fifty chance they're 427 00:30:27.839 --> 00:30:30.799 not going to have the same feelings, right, and so you have to 428 00:30:30.839 --> 00:30:37.519 be prepared for some degree of rejection, and you know, maintain open communication. 429 00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:41.319 They might just run away. And then come back later. I do 430 00:30:41.400 --> 00:30:47.640 think it's really important that you understand that the relationship will be forever changed. 431 00:30:48.279 --> 00:30:51.559 It's impossible. So when you're doing this evaluation, you have to really decide, 432 00:30:51.559 --> 00:30:56.160 like, am I willing to sacrifice this friendship? But if you're in 433 00:30:56.880 --> 00:31:00.000 unrequited love, if you're in an unfulfilling friendship because you want more, I 434 00:31:00.119 --> 00:31:04.640 think that's an really uncomfortable place to stay in for a long time. And 435 00:31:04.680 --> 00:31:08.359 so waiting in the wings being in love with hope, thinking this person will 436 00:31:08.359 --> 00:31:14.079 suddenly turn and fall in love with you is never a good idea. I 437 00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:18.599 personally believe. Bring it up, see what happens. There are other friends 438 00:31:18.599 --> 00:31:22.400 you can make, and if they do reject you, make sure you surround 439 00:31:22.440 --> 00:31:26.559 yourself by friends and family who love you just because of you. Seek that 440 00:31:26.680 --> 00:31:33.200 kind of support. Practice self compassion. All right, when we come back, 441 00:31:33.079 --> 00:31:37.279 maybe you're just walking around in a zone and you don't realize that people 442 00:31:37.440 --> 00:31:41.519 there's somebody out there who's actually attracted to you, and they've been sending all 443 00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:45.759 the signals and you've been missing them. When we come back, can I 444 00:31:45.839 --> 00:31:49.640 go over the signals that let you know somebody's into you and If you want 445 00:31:49.680 --> 00:31:52.279 somebody to know you're into them, here are the signals you should be sending. 446 00:31:52.680 --> 00:31:56.880 You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI amc forty. We're 447 00:31:56.960 --> 00:32:01.359 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 448 00:32:01.359 --> 00:32:05.559 You can always hear us live on k five AM six forty from seven to 449 00:32:05.640 --> 00:32:08.960 nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app