WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I am six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:08.480 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Doctor Wendy Walsh with 3 00:00:08.599 --> 00:00:12.359 you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I sound so hyped up 4 00:00:12.359 --> 00:00:17.280 to night Kala, don't. I'm eleven hours sleep. That'll little good. 5 00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:23.120 Eleven hours sleep, no alcohol, woke up fresh, feeling great. I 6 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:25.440 love it, Doctor Wendy. We all need to try it. We all 7 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:28.079 need to try it. Hey, if you're new to the show, I'm 8 00:00:28.120 --> 00:00:31.480 doctor Wendy Walsh. I got a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology 9 00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:35.119 professor at cal State Channel Islands. I'm obsessed with the science of love. 10 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:41.640 I have been reading about relationship health for decades, decades and decades. Today 11 00:00:41.640 --> 00:00:47.119 we're gonna talk about how father's unique kind of love is very good for kids, 12 00:00:47.479 --> 00:00:51.880 and why we need dads and moms stop complaining about him. Really he's 13 00:00:51.880 --> 00:00:56.159 doing a good job. Also, thinking about taking a romantic vacation with your 14 00:00:56.200 --> 00:00:59.960 partner because you're going through a hard time and you think a vacation's going to 15 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:03.920 solve it all. Actually, the research says it might depending on what the 16 00:01:03.959 --> 00:01:07.760 problem is. I know you want to listen to this one. Seven reasons 17 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:11.560 according to science why women cheat. Plus Later in the show, I'll be 18 00:01:11.560 --> 00:01:15.519 taking your calls and answering your social media questions. I'll be going live on 19 00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:25.760 TikTok and Instagram and youtubutub YouTube tub Who we got with us? We got 20 00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:29.480 producer Kayla Hi, doctor you, producer Christina. I don't know if your 21 00:01:29.480 --> 00:01:34.079 mic son is it? Okay? Look at me? All the girls here? 22 00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:36.799 We got Mark Ronner. How you doing? Mark? Present and accounted 23 00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:41.079 for? Ready to roll? You ever wonder why women cheat? Very different 24 00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:42.680 reasons than men. You're trying to get me into trouble here, Well, 25 00:01:44.519 --> 00:01:47.120 nobody listens to me at home. Anyway, I can answer whatever you want. 26 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:49.519 Just us shoot the work. It's gonna make every man think about their 27 00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:53.200 own relationship differently, That's what I think. Roll on the board. You're 28 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:57.799 going to control me. He has to control the clock for me, asked 29 00:01:57.799 --> 00:02:00.680 control the buttons for me. It's like, because I'm here with you, 30 00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:05.079 okay, it's just you and I and I don't think about anybody else, 31 00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:07.680 all right, So the reason why I slept eleven hours last night is because 32 00:02:07.719 --> 00:02:10.159 the night before I had a bottle of wine with a girlfriend and we went 33 00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:14.240 out to a restaurant who would go unnamed because one of my favorite restaurants, 34 00:02:14.479 --> 00:02:17.639 and they had under the glass some food you could take home and heat up 35 00:02:17.639 --> 00:02:21.520 in the oven, which we did. However, that food I think was 36 00:02:21.560 --> 00:02:24.680 sitting there since seven am, and this was seven pm. Will you be 37 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:29.919 back well? Next day I was supposed to take producer Kayle out for her 38 00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:32.639 birthday and I had to cancel on that girl, and I sent her an 39 00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:38.120 emoji that was green and barfing. I didn't even know that emoji existed, 40 00:02:38.439 --> 00:02:42.680 so I started writing the words and the emojen show out. There's the perfect 41 00:02:42.719 --> 00:02:46.000 emoji for her. So here's the crazy thing. I had already made arrangements 42 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:50.759 for other friends to go on a Saturday afternoon to the San Antonio Winery. 43 00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:53.599 Have you been there? You guys have been there? No, it's in 44 00:02:53.639 --> 00:02:57.159 downtown LA. It's the oldest winery in LA. Winery is different from vineyard, 45 00:02:57.280 --> 00:02:59.960 right. They get the grapes from all their various vineyards all over California, 46 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:04.360 and they make all kinds of private label wine from everything from some of 47 00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:08.560 Trader Joe's brands to various nightclubs, fancy places in Vegas, etc. But 48 00:03:08.800 --> 00:03:15.159 during COVID they're on third generation family running it. Now they expanded, made 49 00:03:15.159 --> 00:03:17.759 this beautiful deck. They do afternoon jazz. In the afternoon, all of 50 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:22.000 La comes. It's not hoydy toidy, it is Angeline. I mean, 51 00:03:22.039 --> 00:03:23.919 they look they're in their finest. But let me just say it is socially 52 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:29.520 diverse, it's economically diverse. It represents La. So anyway, I was 53 00:03:29.520 --> 00:03:31.400 supposed to go with these friends, but I was feeling sick and terrible, 54 00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:35.280 and so I said, well, listen, here's what we'll do. I 55 00:03:35.319 --> 00:03:39.840 will be your designated driver. So I sat there for two hours. Well, 56 00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:44.319 my girlfriends had these big flights of wine, and then one of the 57 00:03:44.319 --> 00:03:47.199 owners came over and he was pouring wine for them and being so sweet. 58 00:03:47.319 --> 00:03:51.639 It was really nice. And it's really nice, and you have a designated 59 00:03:51.719 --> 00:03:54.159 driver because you can go as hard as you want. Just the smell of 60 00:03:54.199 --> 00:03:58.199 wine was making me more nauseous. So I was sitting there chewing on Tom's 61 00:03:59.159 --> 00:04:00.759 favorite restaurant. Made you sick? Are you gonna like? Are you going 62 00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:03.960 to go back to it? Are you turned off? All right, I 63 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:08.560 just won't go get stuff out of the glass thing late at night. That's 64 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:12.520 that's not going to happen, you know. This week also I teach well, 65 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:15.600 I teach psychology of health counseling, and I teach developmental psychology, and 66 00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:19.279 I teach intro to psychology at cal State Channel Islands. But I was really 67 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:23.920 excited because I had a guest in my health psychology class. He's the husband 68 00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:26.519 of a dear friend of mine. His name happens to be Scott Seacrest Theory. 69 00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:29.920 I just outed you on the radio, Scott, and he has been 70 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:34.279 in the fitness industry his entire life, like CEO of companies that manufacture fitness 71 00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:38.839 equipment. He's like at the cutting edge of all the kind of tech and 72 00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:42.959 the integration between our body and you know, like the Apple Watch and all 73 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:46.040 that. He calls it wearables, wearables, wearable tech that record He said, 74 00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:51.160 there's actually a way that they can record your blood sugar now justin whatever 75 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:56.600 a watch. But he also is a former early in his life, former 76 00:04:56.639 --> 00:05:01.720 competitive bodybuilder. He says he doesn not recommend that life as being a healthy 77 00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:05.319 life because I mean, but on the breakekay Lo, I'm going to show 78 00:05:05.319 --> 00:05:09.040 you the picture of him when he was nineteen in Mister Universe teen Universe. 79 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:15.759 Yeah, he had a little bit of a Billy Ray cyrus mullet. But 80 00:05:15.800 --> 00:05:18.079 it was a year, it was a time. But but the body is 81 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:24.680 it is happening. Yeah. So anyway, the most interesting thing I found 82 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:28.519 about his talk was first of all, about how wearable tech is changing us. 83 00:05:28.600 --> 00:05:32.879 Because as long as you psychologists know this, as long as you get 84 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:38.680 feedback on your health, whether you're counting calories, did you know any kind 85 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:42.040 of diet works to lose weight, even the ice cream diet, all ice 86 00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:45.279 cream, because it makes you aware of what you're eating. Anything you stop 87 00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:47.120 to do and just become aware. So as soon as you do a wearable 88 00:05:47.160 --> 00:05:50.759 that tells you your heart rate, your blood pressure, maybe blood sugar or 89 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:55.279 whatever, you'll start to be aware of what you're doing to impact that. 90 00:05:55.360 --> 00:06:00.199 Of course, I'm resistant to authority, and my Apple Watch tries to be 91 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:04.279 an authority with me, and it tries to control me. So I shut 92 00:06:04.279 --> 00:06:08.079 it up. So when it says stand up some steps and you're like get 93 00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:10.879 out of here, I go, screw you. Yeah, we're done. 94 00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:14.079 Don't you order me around? I did not put up with that anyway. 95 00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:16.399 I want to thank Scott publicly for come driving all the way up to Camaro 96 00:06:16.519 --> 00:06:20.240 and giving such a great class. But also I noticed that many of the 97 00:06:20.279 --> 00:06:26.800 students were inspired by his story, and particularly the dudes. Right. And 98 00:06:27.240 --> 00:06:30.120 when you teach psychology, it's probably not news to you that we've seen in 99 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:36.279 the last twenty years quite a feminization of college campuses. For every one man 100 00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:41.160 who gets a college degree in the last twenty years, there are three women 101 00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:46.040 getting degrees. Like women are getting hyper educated super fast, and now there 102 00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:51.560 are still more majority males in the hard sciences, right, engineering and math, 103 00:06:51.600 --> 00:06:57.120 etc. And there's argument about why that is. Is there cultural exclusion 104 00:06:57.160 --> 00:07:00.240 to women all the way along, or is it self at a certain point. 105 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:02.839 I'm digressing, but I do want to tell this little story. So 106 00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:08.399 when I was young, like eighth grade, I was really, really, 107 00:07:08.439 --> 00:07:13.639 really good at math, and I just loved p sets problem sets. I 108 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:17.879 would enter. My teachers had me entering all these math contests that even had 109 00:07:17.959 --> 00:07:21.759 like eleventh graders in them, and I would sometimes win, and I had 110 00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:25.839 trophies, and at the end of that year I got the highest achievement. 111 00:07:26.240 --> 00:07:30.160 So then I enter ninth grade, which is high school, and I got 112 00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:32.360 a choice. At this point, we had like three or four levels of 113 00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:40.079 math. It was like Basic, that's two plus two General, Advanced or 114 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:43.800 Enriched. You know in Canada they just divide you right out. So of 115 00:07:43.800 --> 00:07:47.399 course there was no question I was going in Enriched. And I remember this 116 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:51.199 woman math teacher. She had an English accent and a little white bob and 117 00:07:51.240 --> 00:07:55.720 she seemed so excited about math, and so she would give us these big 118 00:07:55.720 --> 00:08:01.040 problem sets the next year. Now I'm turning fifteen, it's tenth. Hormones 119 00:08:01.079 --> 00:08:03.399 are starting to explode in my brain and in my body, and I'm like, 120 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:09.480 I really don't want to spend those hours doing those problem sets every night, 121 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:13.480 because I have Glamor magazine to read and there are some things I need 122 00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:18.480 to learn about makeup and hair, because this is no I distinctly remember that. 123 00:08:18.079 --> 00:08:24.759 So I dropped back from Enriched to Advanced. By the time I graduated, 124 00:08:24.759 --> 00:08:26.279 like grade thirteen, I was down in general because I had parties to 125 00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:28.560 go to, I had hair to do, I had makeup, there was 126 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:33.080 nails involved. There was a lot happening. So the question is did I 127 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:39.519 self select because of the hormonal changes to my brain that human mating became more 128 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:43.519 important to me because what was math leading me to making more money? Well, 129 00:08:43.559 --> 00:08:46.840 you know, we know that when women make more money, they don't 130 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:50.759 actually it actually hurts there sometimes their ability to find mates and keep mates, 131 00:08:50.759 --> 00:08:54.960 it intimidates men. Right, So who knows whether it just on some hormonal 132 00:08:56.039 --> 00:09:00.320 level I self selected. Anyway, back to Scott and the speaking, So 133 00:09:00.759 --> 00:09:05.720 in psychology in particular, there's an even greater dearth of men, very few. 134 00:09:05.960 --> 00:09:07.240 I mean, if I get three guys in a class, I'm just 135 00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:09.159 thrilled. I want to put them right in the front row. I'm so 136 00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:13.039 excited to have them there in this health psychology class because involves some fitness and 137 00:09:13.080 --> 00:09:16.840 stuff. We have a little bit more. And I noticed them being really 138 00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:22.440 responsive to Scott, much more than when I'm in the classroom, asking engaged 139 00:09:22.519 --> 00:09:26.200 questions, writing emails to me later saying that was an amazing guest speaker, 140 00:09:26.200 --> 00:09:28.120 and thank you so much all guys. Right, okay, one girl, 141 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:35.519 sorry Madeline one. So anyway, so I say to myself, what is 142 00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:39.960 it about what is it about male energy? What is it about male energy 143 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:45.039 that these guys are connecting with? And so I started reading more research about 144 00:09:45.200 --> 00:09:50.080 fathers and sons in particular, but also fathers and daughters, and I strolled 145 00:09:50.159 --> 00:09:54.679 upon something that was so fascinating. You know, there's a whole new area 146 00:09:54.759 --> 00:10:00.559 of attachment theory, Kayla, that's new to me, and it's called the 147 00:10:00.639 --> 00:10:05.799 activation relationship theory. And it's about men and how they love their kids. 148 00:10:05.840 --> 00:10:07.639 Wow, we're gonna talk about this when we come back. If you're a 149 00:10:07.720 --> 00:10:13.039 dad, listen up. If you're a mom, listen even closer. You 150 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:16.320 are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty with 151 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:22.720 Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 152 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:28.759 from kf I Am six forty k I Am six forty Doctor Wendy Walsh with 153 00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:31.879 you. Okay, you want to talk about daddy love. If you've been 154 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:33.759 listening to me for the nine freaking years I've been sitting in this chair, 155 00:10:33.799 --> 00:10:39.799 you know that I have had some attachment injuries, hardly due to the fact 156 00:10:39.799 --> 00:10:43.879 that my dad was in the Navy, and he was gone in an inconsistent 157 00:10:43.960 --> 00:10:46.080 way, in an inconsistent pattern, and when he would come back, he'd 158 00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:48.200 try to make up for it, good good on him, and try to 159 00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:54.799 be the best dad in the world. So my attachment organization, my model 160 00:10:54.879 --> 00:10:58.240 for love was basically those guys that come in and treat you really well and 161 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:01.919 then to spear a lot. Yeah, the avoidant guys who'd come in give 162 00:11:01.960 --> 00:11:05.480 you sex and gifts and dinner and then don't call for three weeks. That 163 00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:09.360 was just like it was literally what my experience was as a child, except 164 00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:13.200 didn't obviously have sex in my dad, but anyway, just had to throw 165 00:11:13.240 --> 00:11:16.120 that into there. But you know what I mean, pleasure and then disappearance. 166 00:11:16.679 --> 00:11:22.759 So I eventually became a mom. I practiced something called attachment parenting because 167 00:11:22.759 --> 00:11:28.759 I'd read so much of an attachment and hallmarks include breastfeeding, feed as needed, 168 00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:33.480 not on a schedule, sleeping with your babies, wearing your babies, 169 00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:35.559 letting them know you know this whole secure, keeping them close. But also 170 00:11:35.639 --> 00:11:39.559 the other piece of it that I knew that was important, that indeed has 171 00:11:39.559 --> 00:11:46.200 played out for my kids is that my needs for closeness should not be put 172 00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:50.480 on my kids. So as a result, yes, I practiced attachment parenting, 173 00:11:50.799 --> 00:11:54.759 but I also encouraged them to get out from under my skirts. Now 174 00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:58.919 put a pin in that. I also went to various mom groups. There's 175 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:03.039 was one mom bab group I went to and they had a very strict rule 176 00:12:03.159 --> 00:12:07.399 because apparently, prior to me joining it digressed into some bad places. And 177 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:11.919 the strict rule was you were not allowed to bitch about your husband. Can 178 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:16.320 I say that word? Like, do you know? Okay? You couldn't 179 00:12:16.360 --> 00:12:20.639 complain about that lovely man at home because apparently the mom groups just became a 180 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:24.559 session of complaining about men the whole time, and they didn't want to do 181 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:31.320 that. There's no doubt about it that most men do not invest in babies 182 00:12:31.720 --> 00:12:35.720 as much as moms. First of all, their nipples do not give breast 183 00:12:35.720 --> 00:12:41.039 milk, so there's that. Also, they're often with traditional gender roles, 184 00:12:41.039 --> 00:12:45.399 being forced to spend more time away working. Secondly, they're just not like 185 00:12:45.480 --> 00:12:48.399 they they don't know what to do with those babies. Now, I want 186 00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:50.320 to say, there's some guys that are totally into it. They're diaper changing, 187 00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:52.759 they're sleeping with their baby, they're holding their into I've seen them. 188 00:12:52.759 --> 00:12:56.519 I saw them out a breakfast a restaurant yesterday and I was like, look 189 00:12:56.519 --> 00:12:58.519 at all those dance we're in their babies. That's so cool. They're changing, 190 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:05.279 but in general they love in a different way. So I discovered this 191 00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:11.919 thing today called the activation relationship theory. It's a compliment to my favorite psychological 192 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:15.120 theory, attachment theory. Now you know you've heard me talk about it, 193 00:13:15.159 --> 00:13:18.840 I'll tell you again. According to the father of attachment theory, John Bulby, 194 00:13:18.159 --> 00:13:24.399 there are two behavioral systems that are needed for attachment. One is called 195 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:30.759 the proximity behavior system. That means people stay close to their babies and toddlers. 196 00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:33.519 And that's why those babies and toddlers were the only part of our population 197 00:13:33.840 --> 00:13:39.200 who extremely benefited during COVID because they had a secure attachment figure more than one 198 00:13:39.440 --> 00:13:43.639 around and when they go and explore this So the second part of the attachment 199 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:50.360 system is the exploration system where they gain knowledge they adapt to unfamiliar environments. 200 00:13:50.360 --> 00:13:52.960 So concretely, this means you go to the park. In the playground, 201 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:58.399 the little toddler one year old two year olds toddles through the little sandpile to 202 00:13:58.440 --> 00:14:01.799 get over to the little slide and they start to go up the two steps 203 00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:05.440 and they check back because they're afraid it's a new environment, and they catch 204 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:09.960 mommy, your daddy's eye, and a good attachment parent will say I see 205 00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:15.039 you, I'm watching you. You can do this. I'm here for you, 206 00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:18.799 right, go ahead. Now there are those nervous nellie moms who are 207 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:20.440 just like, no, be careful, don't crimb up that ladder without me. 208 00:14:20.600 --> 00:14:24.120 That's problematic, right. You want to be able to let your child 209 00:14:24.440 --> 00:14:30.279 explore and give them the confidence to explore. The theory is when they get 210 00:14:30.279 --> 00:14:33.879 older and evolve, they will leave your nest and fly away as both mind 211 00:14:35.080 --> 00:14:39.559 have so the way they test attachment is something called the strange situation test. 212 00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:43.279 I know I've talked about this before, developed by Mary Ainswork back in nineteen 213 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:48.000 seventy eight. They take babies that are twelve to eighteen months old and they 214 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:52.440 put them in a strange situation. It's a lab with toys and two way 215 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:56.200 mirrors and coders look and at a certain point they have attachment figure Mommy or 216 00:14:56.279 --> 00:15:01.799 daddy leave and they watch to see what kid does. Like if the kid 217 00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:05.240 doesn't even seem to care, that's a problem. Kids are supposed to cry 218 00:15:05.320 --> 00:15:09.039 when their attachment for you. But more importantly, what happens when the primary 219 00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:13.399 attachment figure walks back in the room. Does a baby look scared, Oh, 220 00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:16.120 that's not good. Does a baby get preoccupied with toys and doesn't even 221 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:20.320 notice, or does the baby run with the hands up with glee and so 222 00:15:20.440 --> 00:15:24.960 excited? Right, And so they're able to actually tell kids attachment style at 223 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:30.799 that age, follow them through their adolescence, and they can correlate these scores 224 00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:33.240 with how happy your relationships will be, how much money you'll make, what 225 00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:37.559 your education level will be. Like it. It's so studied this theory. 226 00:15:37.559 --> 00:15:41.440 Okay, data, data, data. Here's a problem. Father child attachment 227 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:48.519 isn't as reliable with the state with the strange situation test. They're not able 228 00:15:48.559 --> 00:15:52.279 to really pinpoint it when the dad does the leaving and coming back right. 229 00:15:54.039 --> 00:15:58.480 So they came up with this thing called the activation relationshipship theory. It says 230 00:15:58.519 --> 00:16:04.639 this fathers matter, but they matter in a different way. According to psychologists, 231 00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:12.320 fathers are like catalysts for risk taking. They actually can ignite children to 232 00:16:12.440 --> 00:16:17.639 like use their own initiative in unfamiliar situations, to tell kids to explore, 233 00:16:17.679 --> 00:16:21.000 to take risk, to take chances, to overcome obstacles, to be brave. 234 00:16:21.559 --> 00:16:26.240 When there are standards around two strangers are and to stand up for themselves. 235 00:16:26.279 --> 00:16:29.399 You know, there's this meme that flies around the internet and it's very 236 00:16:29.399 --> 00:16:33.360 cute. It's two pictures. One is a picture of a dad throwing a 237 00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:36.799 baby in the air. You should know that every dad throws their baby in 238 00:16:36.840 --> 00:16:40.559 the air and every mom has a heart attack when she sees this. And 239 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:42.279 what the meme says. It shows the dad throwing the baby in the air. 240 00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:47.440 The baby is probably three feet above the dad's hands that are still up 241 00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:49.960 in the air, and the baby's falling back down, and it says what 242 00:16:51.159 --> 00:16:56.120 dads do. And the second picture says what moms see, and it shows 243 00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:59.759 the dad with his hands up in the air and the baby is twenty feet 244 00:16:59.799 --> 00:17:03.200 up in the air above the dad, right. So that's what the experience 245 00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:07.640 is to mom's because their kind of love is more protective. But what we 246 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:12.599 know that specifically with boys, also girls, but specifically with boys, is 247 00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:19.000 that fathers facilitate a kind of learning by teasing them, by destabilizing them, 248 00:17:19.319 --> 00:17:22.960 and kids have to get creative. So I'm going to tell you I saw 249 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:26.480 this viral video once they asked me to comment on HLN. There was like 250 00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:32.559 a community, small town community parade and the families were out watching, and 251 00:17:32.599 --> 00:17:34.720 some dads thought it would be really funny to duct tape their kids to a 252 00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:38.519 treat. So of course this video goes viral. Everyone is shocked and is 253 00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:41.920 this child abuse? I'm like, no, the kids are laughing. This 254 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:45.680 is fun, and the dads are setting up a challenge. The dads are 255 00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:49.400 there to cut off the duct tape if there's a problem. Nobody's abandoning them 256 00:17:49.400 --> 00:17:53.480 and walking away, right, It was just a fun thing. Also, 257 00:17:53.519 --> 00:17:56.799 I'll have to tell you my boyfriend Julio tells me a story over and over. 258 00:17:56.839 --> 00:18:00.519 He feels such guilt and shame about it. One time he was rock 259 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:03.079 climbing with his five year old on his back and they had to call, 260 00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:06.559 like you, who are the people the park rangers to get them down. 261 00:18:06.599 --> 00:18:10.640 They got stuck and he got so yelled at by the park rangers. But 262 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:12.880 dads do that. He got stuck and he had a five year old on 263 00:18:12.920 --> 00:18:15.279 his back and he couldn't go up any further and he couldn't get down. 264 00:18:15.319 --> 00:18:19.160 And I feel bad enough, sir, don't braid that's what they did. 265 00:18:21.799 --> 00:18:25.920 Okay. All I want to say is this new theory, the activation relationship 266 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:30.279 theory should tell all dads don't feel guilty about what you do. Should tell 267 00:18:30.359 --> 00:18:36.079 moms give him a break if he's involved with his kid, that's what matters. 268 00:18:36.519 --> 00:18:38.480 In fact, at that mom baby group, I remember one of the 269 00:18:38.519 --> 00:18:44.160 moms said, if you're complaining that your spouse is not a good enough dad, 270 00:18:44.839 --> 00:18:47.519 you need to learn to leave them alone and you can. Might come 271 00:18:47.519 --> 00:18:51.079 back and the baby bottles in the wrong hole and the diapers on their head, 272 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:55.519 whatever, doesn't matter. They're working it out between themselves and that's how 273 00:18:55.519 --> 00:19:00.960 they will grow to have a relationship and kids need both. Okay, when 274 00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:06.119 we come back, have you ever thought of going on a romantic vacation just 275 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:10.799 to save your relationship, especially when you're in crisis. Well, there's some 276 00:19:10.839 --> 00:19:15.519 science to say that sometimes that can actually work and other times when it's a 277 00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:18.839 really bad idea. Let's talk about this when I come back. You're listening 278 00:19:18.839 --> 00:19:25.519 to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty. This is 279 00:19:25.799 --> 00:19:27.960 the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. If you're a YouTuber, come on over. 280 00:19:29.079 --> 00:19:30.519 I'm live on YouTube right now. Come on in the studio with us. 281 00:19:32.200 --> 00:19:34.839 Just go to doctor Wendy Walsh on YouTube see my channel. Hey, so 282 00:19:36.839 --> 00:19:45.200 it's really common that taking a romantic vacation can actually boost your relationship. It 283 00:19:45.319 --> 00:19:48.000 worked for me in January, my boyfriend Juli and I went to Dominican Republic 284 00:19:48.079 --> 00:19:56.200 actually to see his ailing dad. However, we also took some time away 285 00:19:56.240 --> 00:20:00.279 from our kids, our adult kids. Remember we'd just come off that Christmas 286 00:20:00.279 --> 00:20:06.720 where every competing emotional interests of four young adult humans it was. It was 287 00:20:06.880 --> 00:20:10.960 tragic. Anyway, so we go to the Dominican Republic. By the way, 288 00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:15.480 apparently when you're from Dominican Republic, you don't go to the beach. 289 00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:18.119 So my friends were pretty shocked that I went to Dominican Republic for a week 290 00:20:18.119 --> 00:20:22.880 and I never saw the ocean or felt like New York City in Santa Domingo. 291 00:20:22.920 --> 00:20:26.240 But it was fun and they had great, great restaurants. Anyway, 292 00:20:26.279 --> 00:20:30.920 it worked for us, right, We had time to reconnect, time to 293 00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:34.519 be alone. It was a good thing. So researchers from Texas A and 294 00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:40.920 M University did a meta analysis. They looked at all the research out there 295 00:20:41.160 --> 00:20:45.680 on whether it's worth it to do a romantic weekend away or romanic if your 296 00:20:45.759 --> 00:20:48.960 relationships in the duldrums, and they found that for the most part it does 297 00:20:49.160 --> 00:20:56.200 work. Quote, time allotted for family bonding is decreasing, so likely attributed 298 00:20:56.240 --> 00:21:02.599 to increased career demands and changing family structures. So basically, they found that 299 00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:07.119 having a vacation can actually strengthen a couple's bond. And here are some of 300 00:21:07.160 --> 00:21:12.240 the reasons why. Again, not for all couples and not all the time, 301 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:21.799 I'll explain. Research has shown that shared leisure activities are highly correlated with 302 00:21:21.839 --> 00:21:23.079 feelings of well being. Of course, if you've got a best friend and 303 00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:29.160 you're doing something you like to do. Of course, right in our daily 304 00:21:29.279 --> 00:21:33.839 routines, we are just too busy. And when you have that time alone, 305 00:21:33.880 --> 00:21:36.680 you can dedicate it to your relationship. You know, you go to 306 00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:41.000 resort somewhere, spend the day at the beach, work out at the gym, 307 00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:44.799 get all dressed up for dinner, and you just focus on being together 308 00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:51.759 and talking. Right, Travel in general is highly correlated with positive emotions, 309 00:21:51.839 --> 00:21:56.960 right, So basically the thinking is that planning a trip, carrying out that 310 00:21:56.000 --> 00:22:03.240 trip gives you feelings of hope and husiasm and well being, and that naturally 311 00:22:03.319 --> 00:22:06.160 affects how you relate to others. Right, if you're in a good mood, 312 00:22:07.400 --> 00:22:10.720 going on a trip is a time to improve your communication. You're not 313 00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:14.880 being interrupted all day long. I hope you're not checking your phone. I 314 00:22:14.960 --> 00:22:18.200 hope when you go on vacation it's to go on vacation, so you'll be 315 00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:22.039 able to not be interrupted by everybody else. And also getting out of a 316 00:22:22.119 --> 00:22:30.160 routine is very good for relationships. Now here's when going on a trip will 317 00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:37.799 not help your relationship. If your relationship is in a deep crisis. You 318 00:22:37.880 --> 00:22:41.160 might have like a relative reprieve for a few days, but when you get 319 00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:45.960 home, the same problems are going to be there. Right, So I 320 00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:48.519 have to tell you the story when my daughter, my oldest daughter, was 321 00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:52.599 like I don't know, five six months old, we were on a trip 322 00:22:52.640 --> 00:22:56.039 to Mexico. I was actually it's always a working trip for me. So 323 00:22:56.200 --> 00:23:00.000 I was walking on the beach carrying my baby, and this couple came up 324 00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:03.079 behind me and the woman did, oh my god, look at your baby. 325 00:23:03.160 --> 00:23:07.440 She's so cute. Can I hold her? And it was weird because 326 00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:08.680 it's a stranger woman, but she was nice. We're in a resort and 327 00:23:08.680 --> 00:23:11.640 we're walking on the beach, so I hand my baby to this woman, 328 00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:15.359 but I don't get more than arms like the way from her, and she 329 00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:17.319 was, oh, let's walk on the beach. I just miss my kids. 330 00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:18.440 They're at home, and it's just so nice to have a baby. 331 00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:23.599 Whatever. So I'm walking just behind her with now her husband, and he 332 00:23:23.640 --> 00:23:30.119 says to me, yeah, we came on this vacation because we're thinking of 333 00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:34.599 getting a divorce because she's just focused on the kids all the time and she's 334 00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:38.400 ignoring our relationship. And I looked at him and I'm like, and Nash 335 00:23:38.519 --> 00:23:41.319 has another kid on her hip and he's like, yeah, she can't. 336 00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:45.559 And I felt so bad for him. Do you know you were doctor Wendy 337 00:23:45.599 --> 00:23:48.599 Welsh? Now I was sharing. I don't know what I was then. 338 00:23:48.680 --> 00:23:52.960 I was as a mom, But yeah, he was telling me about how 339 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.519 they were there on this trip to rekindle because she was focusing too much on 340 00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:00.960 the kids and not enough on him and the relationship. And now, well 341 00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:06.160 what did she do pick up some stranger's baby and focus on that. So 342 00:24:06.240 --> 00:24:10.160 it's not going to work if you're in crisis, and what are a deep 343 00:24:10.200 --> 00:24:14.920 crisis, according to me, recent infidelity? Right, if you're trying to 344 00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:18.880 get over an affair. Not the time to just go on a vacation. 345 00:24:18.920 --> 00:24:23.440 That's not going to fix everything. If someone's suffering from addiction, a vacation 346 00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:27.480 where there's the wine is flowing is not going to help. Okay, if 347 00:24:27.519 --> 00:24:33.160 you have financial problems and you're fighting over money, going on a vacation is 348 00:24:33.200 --> 00:24:36.960 going to make the financial problems worse. It costs money to travel, go 349 00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:40.799 on a picnic. Just go to Trader Joe's, pack a picnic and that's 350 00:24:40.799 --> 00:24:45.759 all you need to do. You know, if your partnership has serious problems, 351 00:24:45.799 --> 00:24:52.400 being thrown together in a new destination without the possibility of distancing could be 352 00:24:52.440 --> 00:24:56.759 a bad situation. Right. You might need your own space. So the 353 00:24:56.799 --> 00:25:03.119 bottom line is a trip is not going to fix anything unless you also put 354 00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:07.960 in the relationship work right and that means therapy, etc. However, if 355 00:25:07.960 --> 00:25:11.319 the problem in your relationship has been that both of you are just too busy 356 00:25:11.519 --> 00:25:14.279 and you haven't had time for each other, then that's a good time. 357 00:25:14.480 --> 00:25:18.400 I also want to say this about romantic travel. Let's say you're in a 358 00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:22.079 new relationship, and let's say you're thinking maybe not too new. I mean, 359 00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:23.920 we're not talking about third date, stuff. We're talking about six months 360 00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:27.200 to a year, and you're thinking of, you know, making this official, 361 00:25:27.319 --> 00:25:32.960 or moving in together or something. Travel is the best litmus test for 362 00:25:33.000 --> 00:25:36.519 your relationship. Go on a trip. See what it's like when one of 363 00:25:36.559 --> 00:25:38.880 you eats bad food and you're sharing a hotel room together. Okay, See 364 00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:42.160 what it's like when the airline loses your ticket and you're not in the right 365 00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:47.079 seat, and who takes a tantrum because they're overtired because of the jet leg 366 00:25:47.240 --> 00:25:52.440 I mean, really, you can really determine whether somebody can handle the stresses 367 00:25:52.480 --> 00:25:56.559 of life by going on a travel, especially extreme travel. Go somewhere far 368 00:25:56.599 --> 00:26:00.599 away where nobody speaks the language and you're out in the wilds. Let's see 369 00:26:00.599 --> 00:26:03.920 how you survive. But if you're in regular, run of the mill relationship 370 00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:07.839 and you need a little romantic boost, it could be good, but not 371 00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:14.839 if you're in crisis. When we come back. Myths about love that everyone 372 00:26:14.920 --> 00:26:19.519 needs to unlearn. I promise you most people in our culture believe the things 373 00:26:19.519 --> 00:26:22.519 that I'm going to tell you, and I'm going to tell you that you're 374 00:26:22.519 --> 00:26:26.119 all wrong. When we come back. You are listening to the doctor Wendy 375 00:26:26.119 --> 00:26:30.960 Walls show. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio accum. You're listening to Doctor 376 00:26:30.960 --> 00:26:37.160 Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. This is the Doctor Wendy 377 00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:40.799 Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome my TikTok audience. Who are I'm going 378 00:26:40.880 --> 00:26:41.960 to see if I can pin this phone number, you know, in a 379 00:26:42.000 --> 00:26:47.839 couple of segments, I'm going to be taking your relationship questions and calls live, 380 00:26:47.920 --> 00:26:52.039 So the phone number can be like around eight fifteen. But I'll just 381 00:26:52.079 --> 00:26:55.000 tell the number now, so that TikTok in here. It's one eight hundred 382 00:26:55.079 --> 00:26:59.079 five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero 383 00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:00.519 one K five. But don't go, oh yeah, the phones are not 384 00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:03.960 open yet. They will open at eight fifteen. I do want to talk 385 00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:11.680 about the myths about love that way too many people believe. And I am 386 00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:15.559 always shocked because you know, I've been reading the science of love for years. 387 00:27:15.079 --> 00:27:18.640 I love it when people say love is a science, I'm like, 388 00:27:18.799 --> 00:27:23.119 yes, it has biological consequences, the rush of neuro hormones on your brain, 389 00:27:23.480 --> 00:27:27.839 it has psychological underpinnings, your attachment style. What you learned about love 390 00:27:27.880 --> 00:27:33.279 growing up and has a social piece. You know, what you look for 391 00:27:33.359 --> 00:27:37.359 in your deal breaker list, what you put in your profile. That's so 392 00:27:37.359 --> 00:27:42.039 society's idea of what you should look for. So it's always a biopsychosocial event 393 00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:48.519 when you find love. But our culture is full of myths and bad news 394 00:27:48.680 --> 00:27:52.400 about love, and let's start to go through some of them. I want 395 00:27:52.440 --> 00:27:56.799 you to unlearn this. The biggest not the biggest, but one of the 396 00:27:56.839 --> 00:28:00.440 myths I think a lot of people believe is this idea that opposites attract, 397 00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:07.160 that if you could find somebody that's different than you, it'll be exciting and 398 00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:11.480 you will stay together. Well, the truth is, the research shows that 399 00:28:11.559 --> 00:28:17.759 it is not that people who are like each other. Now that doesn't necessarily 400 00:28:17.799 --> 00:28:26.039 mean racially or whatever, but socioeconomic status perhaps values very important. People who 401 00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:30.279 are compatible get along, have a stronger emotional bond, they communicate better, 402 00:28:30.319 --> 00:28:34.759 they cooperate more. Oh and research shows they also invest more in their kids. 403 00:28:36.440 --> 00:28:38.759 So you actually want somebody to be like you. Now, here's the 404 00:28:38.799 --> 00:28:44.319 thing. When you do find somebody who's different from you, it's exciting, 405 00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.359 right, It's always exciting. So you think this must be love. But 406 00:28:48.440 --> 00:28:55.440 in the long run, it doesn't bring peace, it doesn't bring that important 407 00:28:55.480 --> 00:29:00.920 exchange of care, it doesn't bring those feelings of security. All those are 408 00:29:00.920 --> 00:29:06.400 the most important ingredients for love. Kayla. Have you ever dated somebody who 409 00:29:06.519 --> 00:29:14.759 is completely different from you? Yes? It way, different political beliefs, 410 00:29:14.799 --> 00:29:17.759 different experiences in life. You see. That's a rough one. Yeah, 411 00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:21.160 because it's it's a value thing, right, yeah. See, politics have 412 00:29:21.279 --> 00:29:26.119 become almost of social values of what you value in life. And it was 413 00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:30.079 around like the Donald Trump and the kneeling error back then, back in those 414 00:29:30.160 --> 00:29:33.119 days, and I just felt him and I argued way too much about those 415 00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:36.880 things, just like I don't think, I like, he's not going to 416 00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:40.920 work exactly. So find somebody who's like you and you'll have a longer, 417 00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:45.400 happier relationship. Okay. The second myth I want to talk about this I 418 00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:48.799 hear all the time. I've been on other people's podcasts as a guest and 419 00:29:48.839 --> 00:29:56.519 they've argued with me about this. But I'm right this myth that you shouldn't 420 00:29:57.039 --> 00:30:03.480 settle unless you meet your soulmate. All right, we need to stop. 421 00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:08.279 There's no such thing as a soulmate. What people do when they're falling in 422 00:30:08.319 --> 00:30:12.000 love with somebody they're attracted to and their brain gets hit with a cocktail of 423 00:30:12.039 --> 00:30:18.400 neuro hormones. Is they have imaginary thinking that it's a soulmate, that it's 424 00:30:18.519 --> 00:30:26.599 meant to be. No, soulmates don't exist. In fact, I'll tell 425 00:30:26.640 --> 00:30:33.960 you this, people with good relationship skills have happy relationships. They find more 426 00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:37.720 partners. Happy people have happy relationships. It's an inside job, right, 427 00:30:38.279 --> 00:30:45.920 But more than anything, if you learn good relationship skills that include conflict resolution 428 00:30:45.960 --> 00:30:48.960 skills, or good communication skills, or being able to be authentic and share 429 00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:55.480 your feelings with somebody, you're actually going to find more soulmates. They're not 430 00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:59.759 really soulmates, they're just compatible people because you know how to be a compatible 431 00:30:59.799 --> 00:31:03.160 person yourself. Oh Kayley, you are not agreeing with me. No, 432 00:31:03.240 --> 00:31:06.680 I am agreeing, you know, because I've learned throughout my years everybody I 433 00:31:06.720 --> 00:31:08.440 like at that time is my soul mate. So maybe maybe there's something the 434 00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:14.440 something to this note. There's not some mystical thing like Cupid shot an arrow. 435 00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:18.119 The universe is coming together. It's a magnetic pull. No, you 436 00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:21.720 find the person's hot, your brain's getting a high of dopamine, and so 437 00:31:21.759 --> 00:31:25.240 you're calling it a soulmate. That's all that is, all right. I 438 00:31:25.319 --> 00:31:27.160 will say, though, my boyfriend right now, he's my soulmate. No, 439 00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:33.079 it means I have the imaginary thinking. It means I have the imaginary 440 00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:37.039 thinking. I know logically what he is. We're very compatible. That's what 441 00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:41.039 that is. All right. Here's another myth about love. That's time for 442 00:31:41.079 --> 00:31:48.200 you to unlearn. Happy couples shouldn't ever fight. Literally, there are people 443 00:31:48.240 --> 00:31:52.880 out there that believe that if conflict happens in a relationship, the relationship must 444 00:31:52.880 --> 00:31:56.799 be over. There are people who believe that, I get like, what 445 00:31:57.039 --> 00:32:02.480 is fight though? Isn't that it's because well, yeah, let's talk about 446 00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:07.559 the style of conflict first of all, So there is research to show that 447 00:32:07.759 --> 00:32:16.000 actually the happiest couples have the most frequent arguments, but they don't have big, 448 00:32:16.119 --> 00:32:19.960 drag down, knock them out battles. I'm not talking about domestic violence. 449 00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:23.480 I'm talking about yelling and screaming and whatever. What they have are literal, 450 00:32:23.640 --> 00:32:30.839 little border skirmishes all the time, while they're constantly executing their boundaries or 451 00:32:30.039 --> 00:32:37.519 choosing to make compromise so that the relationship will win. Right, So it's 452 00:32:37.559 --> 00:32:42.400 really important when you fight that you ask yourself all the time, do I 453 00:32:42.480 --> 00:32:47.480 need to win? How can I have the relationship win? That's the important 454 00:32:47.519 --> 00:32:52.440 thing about conflict. I remember that guy who called in I think I talked 455 00:32:52.440 --> 00:32:54.720 to I wish you call it back, But he said, him and his 456 00:32:54.799 --> 00:32:58.480 wife they've been together, I believe nine years, and they do once a 457 00:32:58.480 --> 00:33:00.119 month like, Hey, is there anything that you that I did this month? 458 00:33:00.119 --> 00:33:04.079 There's anything that bother you? And then they have like healthy conversations. 459 00:33:04.279 --> 00:33:07.400 And he said they've never fought since the time they've been together, because I 460 00:33:07.440 --> 00:33:09.880 guess these conversations they have monthly check in. Yeah, And somebody on the 461 00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:13.960 outside might look at those conversations and be like, that's kind of a little 462 00:33:13.960 --> 00:33:16.680 conflict because they're disagreeing on this, but then they're coming together on it. 463 00:33:16.920 --> 00:33:23.559 I mean, Julio and I do not fight, but we disagree. That's 464 00:33:23.559 --> 00:33:28.400 what I'll say. We disagree about things, and we make decisions about who 465 00:33:28.440 --> 00:33:30.119 gets to sort of be the winner, or we make a decision to just 466 00:33:30.200 --> 00:33:35.200 disagree and have the relationship come first. I mean, I think the important 467 00:33:35.200 --> 00:33:40.759 thing that people understand is that don't avoid conflict, because conflict is the thing 468 00:33:40.799 --> 00:33:46.440 that makes you keep your feelings inside and be inauthentic. And the more you 469 00:33:46.519 --> 00:33:50.799 avoid conflict, one of two things is going to happen. Either it's going 470 00:33:50.839 --> 00:33:52.559 to bubble out at some point and you're gonna have a huge volcano of an 471 00:33:52.559 --> 00:33:57.920 explosion because the pressure has just built too high inside yourself, or worse, 472 00:33:58.440 --> 00:34:02.400 it's going to impact your physical health. Right, so, keeping everything bottled 473 00:34:02.519 --> 00:34:07.039 up is not good. In fact, research from the Gottman's up at the 474 00:34:07.119 --> 00:34:14.480 Marriage Lab at the University of Washington says that being dismissive or stonewalling or avoiding 475 00:34:14.559 --> 00:34:20.719 conflict is the greatest predictor of divorce. Right, So, this idea that 476 00:34:20.880 --> 00:34:24.960 happy couples should never fight is a complete myth about love. But yet, 477 00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.960 people, especially people who you know who don't have a good model for love, 478 00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:31.960 so early on in a dating relationship they get into a little tiff with 479 00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:37.079 somebody there, it's more quick for them to go next next. It's easier 480 00:34:37.079 --> 00:34:39.519 to find somebody else than it is to just well, what was that about 481 00:34:39.559 --> 00:34:44.360 and what happened? Now, let's be clear, they're really unhealthy ways to 482 00:34:44.360 --> 00:34:51.079 fight. And if somebody expresses toxicity abuse anger like like anger that seemed to 483 00:34:51.119 --> 00:34:54.320 come out of nowhere in the really early stages of dating. Well yeah, 484 00:34:54.360 --> 00:34:58.119 that's a red flag. That's like, okay, you can go next, 485 00:34:58.599 --> 00:35:00.559 but if you've just had a fight. I remember the first time Hulu and 486 00:35:00.559 --> 00:35:05.039 I had a fight. It wasn't a fight but a conflict. I had 487 00:35:05.079 --> 00:35:07.599 just come out of getting my first vaccine, where I lined up at Dodger 488 00:35:07.639 --> 00:35:12.079 Stadium for four hours. I was exhausted. My daughter was driving. I 489 00:35:12.119 --> 00:35:14.280 was on the phone with him saying, we're gonna go have dinner, and 490 00:35:14.400 --> 00:35:17.239 she drove like freaking eighty five miles an hour on the one tent and so 491 00:35:17.320 --> 00:35:22.239 much traffic, and I screamed at her, slow down, right, and 492 00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:25.719 he was We only been dating a little while and he heard my voice. 493 00:35:25.760 --> 00:35:30.039 And he's terrified of female anger. I learned that about him. Now, 494 00:35:30.079 --> 00:35:34.360 i'd just be gentle with him. But when I finally got to see him, 495 00:35:34.400 --> 00:35:37.559 he was very cold and standoffish with me, and I'm like, what's 496 00:35:37.559 --> 00:35:38.639 going on? And then he was a little snappy, you know, that's 497 00:35:38.639 --> 00:35:42.599 how he gets little snappy. And I ordered a Margarite and he's like, 498 00:35:42.639 --> 00:35:45.840 marguerite is twenty dollars. I'm like, really, hey, from my margarite, 499 00:35:45.079 --> 00:35:47.880 what does that snappiness about? And so then he said, I just 500 00:35:49.039 --> 00:35:52.079 I heard you yell, and I just didn't like the yelling, and I 501 00:35:52.119 --> 00:35:55.880 said, and then I got really sad because this is a guy I was 502 00:35:55.880 --> 00:36:00.639 attracted to. And then he saw a bad side of me, and then 503 00:36:00.639 --> 00:36:04.440 I felt shame about that, and my stomach all churned, and all I 504 00:36:04.480 --> 00:36:07.079 said to him is, um, I have a running feeling right now. 505 00:36:07.440 --> 00:36:12.199 I just want to get up and I want to run. And I'll tell 506 00:36:12.199 --> 00:36:15.039 you what he did when we come back. I have also three more miss 507 00:36:15.119 --> 00:36:19.280 about love. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM 508 00:36:19.280 --> 00:36:23.199 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio back rapp app. What is 509 00:36:23.199 --> 00:36:30.880 happening with Me too Much? When we come back, I'm going to Instagram. 510 00:36:30.920 --> 00:36:32.679 You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear us live 511 00:36:32.719 --> 00:36:37.039 on kf I AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime 512 00:36:37.039 --> 00:36:39.239 on demand on the iHeartRadio app.