Adair Junior Adventures. It's me Steven. I'm just gonna take a moment of
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just to be annoying. Anchor dot Fm. Okay, Enjoy's show Starting
to Mind rows to the party with those they don't go plan? What are
you looking all? Holly served? The Sea is runs because Don't Need No
Cus Opens and Drug Run and Drugs and Dry Hearties and creep Fantasy. All
berries take on a statistic games oscar will they say, Hey, everybody,
I'm John Hartness and I'll be playing the role of Alphonse, light Bringer,
Surly Monk and Puncher of well kind of anything. In real life, I
write multiple series, including the Black Night Chronicles We Love with the Monster Hunter
series and the Quincy Harker Demon Hunter series. The next installment comes A Reckoning
is up for pre order now and we'll release on December seventh, So get
out there and boost my pre order numbers, y'all. H'm Joseph Brassie.
I played the role of Calhashwood Enthusiastic and Stone deass Paladin. I was an
author of the Mongoliad books. My novels Skyfarer and Dragon Road can be found
from Angry Robot Books. And I am the authors of such non existent titles
as Shit Shroom, The Dick that grew from Poop Salutations, Flush Lings.
I am Metallic Kazam, Sorcerer, war Forge and Walker of the Underwater Floor.
In real life, I am Drew Hayes, author of books such as
Superpowers and PCs, Fred the Vampire Accountant and my Liddas Shingles. It's coming
out in December Holly's Jolly Christmas, a half romcom half slasher combo. Hello
friends, my name is Robert Bevan. I played the role of Jocera the
Sorcerer in real life. I write the Caverns and Creatures series of comedy fantasy
novels and short stories, starting with the first book, Critical Failures. Stan
dandyliv here profession folk hero seeking a better end than dying on the toilet.
In real life, I am Steve Webell, and I write things that jazz
to Doomsay at Jenny's with Foulstaff books. But he's also seeking a better end
than dying on the toilet. But next August we'll be doing our very very
best to kill Steve on the toilet once again, because that's what we do
when we get him to America. And that means, Ladies in Germs that
the tickets are now on sale for Authors and Dragons Con twenty twenty two,
to be held at the University Hilton Charlotte. You can go to Authors and
Dragons dot com for the ticket buying link and there will be a hotel block
that is not up yet because our fans are faster than the hotel staff.
And what dates will that be happening, John, that will be happening Friday
August nineteenth through Sunday August twenty first, I mean that might be our greatest
segue yet. Yeah, I'm speaking of dying on the toilet for the second.
This should tell This should tell you how excited they are. They wouldn't
even let me do my intro before, like you know, before jumping into
A and dcon and Rick that now we just don't give us shit. John's
all about moving them tickets. Maybe John signed the contracts, so fuck yeah
he is. Well, well that that leaves me as uh Hi, my
name is Rick Waltyrian. I am the I am I am the unpurchased ticket
from last year's and dcon. And shame on you, you know, for
for for not not being there so you could make it up to us by
uh by being there this year. No, not really, shame shame on
you. There was a lot of ship going on. There's a lot of
shit going on. But if you could make it there this year, we
had loved to love to have you anyway, last time we met our band
of intrepid seamen. They had been fighting a harmonious fizz down at the at
the underwater layer of haywood Gibbroni, and they cornered Fizz. They like you
know, they beat up his minions. They stopped the giant toilet shark.
He conjured, and he then took the wand that he had and turned out
on himself just as Alphonse was about to step in and rearrange his face,
and turned into a horrific, horrific nightmare, which which brings us to where
we are today. Ye. God, it's a giant pace of shit.
We need to stop it before it runs for our office. That all right?
So how do you kill a turd by? Like cutting into a bunch
of smaller turds? Now, I have a non joelster for very long.
But this seems like maybe his cup of tea. Well, it's funny you
would say that because georcerer. Now, wait a second, when when you
say, when you say he'd turned the wand on himself and turning or a
horrific mess, isn't he already dead? No? No, oh shit,
I misinterpreted that. Yes, Also, I'm picturing Jeorcerer putting on like a
lobster bab, except with a turret on it. Art time, we were
looking for a T shirt design for A and B. Maybe maybe we should
maybe we should save that for abcon main or something. Anyway, Georcerer,
speaking of which, you are up next in the in the turn order.
Oh well, all right, I'm looking at the map here. I don't
see a horrific piece of shit because you are where you are and there is
an outhouse blocking your view. Okay, so I shouldn't see it. No,
all right, I mean you step in the outhouse that you might be
able to see our horrific piece of shit. All right. I don't know
if I want to step in the outhouse to see. In fact, I
know I don't. However, if there is jeorcering to be done or no
sorcering to be done, then I should. Sorcerer. Um, I am
moving. I think you're right. Yeah, I think you docery. Now
we're moving at a half speed, correct, Yeah, all right, Well
I'll move a little bit to the left and see what I can see.
Okay, all right, Um, I don't looks like I don't see anything
except there's like a maybe a piece of a toilet and a bible might be
some light reading material in there. Yeah, I'm down a few hip points.
I'm gonna have a firebolt at already and uh let other people be braver.
Alright, Well, speaking of braver, Alphonse, you were right next
to uh to Fizz when he turned into a horrific giant turd. Not great
time to any have like an armed weapon. Yeah, yeah, definitely feeling
like there's an option. U. First, is the wand lying around somewhere?
Is he has sucked the wand into his body? Ye? Now it's
got him on it. So first, I'm going to look at this pile
of poop and say, what the fuck are you? It just makes slashing
noises at you. Then next, since apparently from the last time we were
on a boat, I stole a harpoon, I'm going to take a pointy
stick and poke the shit with the stick as opposed to um play ching it
with my fists. Okay, I have to add an attack for harpoon.
I was just about to ask if you had the foresight to do that,
I should have? Should? I mean, I didn't remember I had a
harpoon until thirty seconds ago. Something just really unsettling about harpooning a giant ted.
I also have to look up the damage for a harp Alphons is inventing
the poop knife. It is one D six piercing, and it is a
spear. A spear does count as a monk weapon. Dope, I don't
care. I am not using a bonus unarmed attack. All right, So
now I have an attack with a harpoon, not one. No, you
really don't, so rule me a D twenty there sixteen all right, he
blows who knows? Who knows how that would have turned out? All right?
Andything else? Yeah, fucking moving right away from this shiitthead. Oh
it's gonna be Alphons the skid mark whale. Oh yep. So my movement
is thirty five feet so that's halfed, So eighteen feet out puts me about
that far away. Unfortunately for you, since it just transformed it it was
still kind of getting its well shit together. And uh so you don't take
an you don't take an alp attack. Yeah, fuck you turd boy kyl
Europe. All right, I don't know where this thing is, um do
I I'm I'm I'm further back from Stan and I I assume you probably heard
Alphons shouting, so you know you do know that that Alphons was over in
this direction, all right, both sides. Stan made a snappy politic well
joke, So okay, I'm gonna move up to here. Yep, I
can see it now. Oh god, um let me just check my sheet
really quick. Ah, brown thing just took over my screen. That's just
a big old pile of yuck. That's some shit. Um okay, we're
underwater. Can I throw a javelin? Yeah? Okay, all right,
we're gonna do that. Then everybody just breaking out a long range weapon?
Say it, that's sensible. That's a dirty twenty all right, just pict
sure stand dandy Liverder's watching. Oh yeah, yeah, these these are all
good idea. That's a six damage quivers. Disturbingly, as you spirit also
not nice man. This wouldn't have mattered for either of the roles so far.
But just as an FYI, my bless is still going no noted,
I forgot about that. Yeah I did too, but luckily John's person was
a nat one, So Blessing don't fix that hashtag blast all right, guys,
Less saw heywood in the outhouse, which brings us to stan. Okay,
uh, move five feet behind what's left of this fire, and use
my short bow to take a pot shot at the ship. Pot shot at
a ship. It's probably better than a ship shot at the potter or chimber
pot shot. Nice. I knew there was a fucking joke in this somewhere.
Well done. That's a f fifteen hits seven piercing damage. It continues
to quiver disturbingly good. I really don't like how this thing is reacting to
being prodded and poked. What I mean, whatever a sentient pile of shit
does I think it does disturbingly You're not raw fair, you're very fair.
Speaking of speaking of of disturbing metallica, zam dropping my counters. Okay,
um my for my bonus action, my sword will move. I guess twenty
feet. I guess this's this intangible underwater by that, I will start off
going fifteen feet h Okay, I still can't see anything, so I will
go ahead and dash. Okay, that's my turn. All right. We're
making a mad dash for the toilet here, all right, and the toilet
seems to be making a mad dash for us. Curse you Barritos thing slobbers
forward, but doesn't seem to have made enough distance. You reach, you
alphons, go figure, you know, a pile of shits sliding uphill?
Not very fast? Sure, ser Okay, I see that. My initial
impression was that it was in this little room like right here above me.
But uh, from the sounds of battle, I see it is beyond that.
I probably should have made an extra movement last time. But I will
make my movement one, two, three and see what I can see.
Oh and I have a line of sight to it. All right, Um,
I would like to firebolt. If that has the range. I will
check does methane explode underwater? Because I'm close to this thing. We'll find
out, just you know, just putting that out there in the universe.
Yet, only one way to know for sure? No, really, I
can ask. I'll be okay. Yeah, fireball's got a hell of a
range. One hundred and twenty feet. Oh all right, yeah, fireball
goes forever, all right? That fireball was a nineteen that hits all right,
that hits for ten all right? Yeah? Damn? So did it
explode all over John? Buddy? It doesn't explode all over all over John?
But but the water is filled with it with the scent of burning muck.
Oh my sen is the ship creature flammable? Doesn't appear to have burst
in the flames? Okay, we are in the same war. Is this
finger? Oh man? I mean, look, it sucks to have a
tongue. Does it have like worms in there or anything? Just tell me
when you spellcasters has prestidigital a exam is the luckiest of you all because he
has not taste buds. He also doesn't have to worry about the fucking spell
running out and him drowning? That too, All right, Alphonse, you
are up? How far away? Can I poke out it with a harpoon
from right next to it? Well? Shit, yes, yes it is.
Yep, all right, I'm gonna split up my move to step forward
poke with the harpoon, hopefully suckling, not twenty That will a palpable hit.
So seven total damage quivers menacingly, I really don't think that's what the
word menacing means. Just but that out there, and I'm going to now
run away. I'm gonna turn in water. Can it ever not be like
quivering in a horrible way? I'm not sticking around to answer. That's rippling
in the currents. It's undulating. That's not a nice word. Nope,
it's the correct one. I'm gonna take my fifteen feet of movement move back
here next to the sword. Well, you know, at least you can
tell it's a sinker, not a floater. And as you as you move
out of its out of its range, it takes a slap at you,
but it only attacks. It only hits ac eight. Yeah, well we
need is an underpaid teenager with a giant net god. Also, an eight
does not hit me. Yes, I kind of figured as much. All
right, Cal, Okay, I got at least two more javelins left,
so let's do this again. Just run up and poke it with your javelin.
Come on, that's the same damage either way. Yeah, but that
way you're in front of me. All right. Uh, Cal's just gonna
kind of like give Alphons a look and it's been like how fuck it?
And then he's gonna draw his sword. You know, I love paladins.
I can't get to it this this turn, so javelin it is. He
is gonna move in front of Alphons though, Okay, then move in front
of Alphons. Cock back with javelin. And let's do this. That's an
eighteen Yeah, all right, that's another six damage? All right? Does
bless add to damage too? No? All right, I'm I've only got
like one of these things left, so we're gonna need to deal with this
thing physically pretty soon. Time to get your hands. I have a plan,
and Alphonse is gonna plant his feet and stick his harpoon out straight in
front of him between Cal's legs. That all right, I'm ready. We'll
see how that works in your turn. All right, Stan, what's called
the reverse braveheart. Okay, stick into the shoot. But it seems like
a fantastic idea, not that fantastic with a natural one. Fantastic, wrote
me a twenty twenty seventeen. A. Right, Luckily, you're arrow Goes
Goes floating off, you know, floating away and not striking your friends.
Firing a bow underwater is hotter than I anticipated. Stan. I don't want
to tell you how to fight, as you're obviously an experienced adventurer, but
shoot the shit. I can't hear you. Kyle's crutches in the way.
All right, mattel Kazam, you were up. All right, I'll do
my movement first, because I'm trying to get eyes on this thing, so
live for my bonus. I will of course move justice sort and hey it
gets close enough all right, twenty for a spiritual weapons. Oh yeah,
that's the shit man. Nine four damage, it's solid blow that down one
and I will I've got a few more rounds of bless amping my attack,
so I will throw a firebolt. I also used to do rounds of solid
blow. I'm guessing a thirteen probably doesn't hit. No, it does,
Oh it does, all right. I mean, how heavily armored does a
pile of shit? I guess it depends on what you fin So five damage,
all right, it has corn armor undulates through the sword, befouling it
mightily and h roster. Alright, Carl, all right, let's see here
we are. A fifteen hits you. Um no, it does not,
all right, missus brings us back to well yeah, all right, thank
you. Um I'm going to moved out of my line of sight, so
a right, all right, here we go one, two, I go
this way and I see it good. I'm gonna super Mario this thing again
with a firebolt into it. Yeah, the fireflower, and I'm like in
a sewer. Yeah, battling turns, but I mean diving feet first into
a living pile of shit, isn't all right? I think a thirteen hits
correct, It could have been worse. He could have treated it like his
personal mushroom. Oh oh, and we're back to the lobster bib. Yes,
Jewelser rules seven dammage all right, starting to look a little singe there,
Alphons. So it's like, probably can't actually poke it from behind,
Cal, I suppose you can poke it from behind the over ear. Wait
a minute, I'm underwater. I can literally just watch everything. Fuck it.
Harpoon shot with one hand for a twenty three Yeah, hey, that's
gonna do six points of damage, got it? And I'll for my bonus
action, I'll just kick the motherfucker with an unarmed strike for thirteen all right,
plus plus BLUs but a thirteen hits for six bludgeoning damage. All right,
this thing is looking looking even worse than you thought it then it started
off threal shit show, yep, take that shit head, all right,
Cal, we are going to shit. I can't remember if I have smites
left. No, I've still got all my smites. All right, we're
gonna drop smite on this thing. If we had javelin or sword sword that
is a dirty twenty. That is all right, So regular damage that's six
regular. I don't want to know what kind of sound effects Steve is gonna
use for this battle. And eleven radiant that's seventeen Jesus, fuck. You
cut mightily through it. Sure in your God ensure that you will destroy it.
And as you slice it in half a second one appears, it just
scuttles us scuttles away. Uh don't like that. I like it less?
Ah, man, I I don't know what god. I don't know what
my God is. But thanks. I think maybe look any of dates I'm
not showed areas a guh. If there is, she's pissed, call you
very gently here about Telica's there whispering you're welcome. Oh that's really weird to
contemplate. Yeah, it makes a love sense. So the second wave shit
undulates over to uh to jorcerer half of the back splash. It's with with
a a crit Oh no, dude, doing eight points of damage and six
points of acidic burrito damage is getting as shit wrecked. That is a a
total of fourteen. Yes. Ouch, it's in my hair. How can
you tell? Oh? Wait, oh wait, looks it looks it looks
like you've been uh you've been finger painting with mud. And the one in
front of him guessing a still alive. Yes, your attack, your attack
doesn't appear to have done much to it. I don't like this. You
just delivered a baby. You gave it a cesarean. Oh, I guess
the moral of that is, uh, maybe careful about the slicing a right,
nobody cut this thing in half? Like, don't do that again,
chick dan dan deliver will I'm doing okay with a bow here in that I
am not next to this thing. It's a very important criteria, not just
because I'm low on hit points, but for obvious reasons. Ah. Sure,
both ten probably not good enough. Actually it is, Oh that case.
Now scenes it's engaged with people. Do I get sneak attack on that?
Yeah, sneak attack. I think if you have allies fighting it in
melee that as you sneak attack Bob, you would know, would he?
I think so it did? It did, and in a third edition,
ah, I think it still does. But okay, well, don't call
me. My initial damage is six and my extra D six is oh ten
and title cal and alphonse. The water in front of you erupts into high
RUPs, Brown's sludge as as a cloud of as a cloud of unpleasantness and
gulf show. Noh, thats I I think maybe I'm questioning a lot of
things about life right now. You might want to light a match, fellas,
don't talk. Don't talk if you have an open orifice. This is
now a part of you, all right. The telchis am um okay?
How tall is this outhouse? Umift? Alright? That won't work. Well,
I'm gonna try to get to where I can see your bud but uh,
I mean, well yeah, okay, I can just make out the
edge of it. Um all right. So that was my move, my
justice slash, since it didn't create a new one on the first one,
and it does force damage, not slashing damage despite the name, uh justice
slash, hence what hence why yours did not activate the creature? Yeah?
I wouldn't. I wouldn't be risking agagain if I hadn't already gotten away.
Uh sixteen HiT's all right? That is six force damage? All right,
my counters, and I will pop off a fire bolts within a twenty,
which is good because I rolled a one on the first one, so uh
seven damage fire a cloud of nutty goodness and gulf warm nutty goodness. I
wad add thanks to the firebolt, but I appear to have destroyed it.
As you're there, you know, contemplating your poor life choices. Heywood comes
swiming out of the outhouse. He's like, where is he? Let me
out of? Let me? Oh? Oh, friends, you managed to
uh manage to stop him. I was, I was just coming out to
assist you. Each ship fish now literally like right here, there's plenty each
ship fish. I think I will pass. But no, you you you
missed the the wondrousness of this. You've done it. You stopped him.
Wondrousness. I can, I can, I can reclaim my my my home.
It is indeed very wondrous. How much is that translate into gold?
Quick? Do you have the wand? Anybody want a fish fruit of kid
cloud? Is there a wand that we can see in the ship storm?
Um? Give us for a check between your teeth. Not really, but
I mean it's kind of only semi solid. Well, I'm already covered in
ship I'll swim through. All right, give me a perception check. I
knew we could rely on you. This is Orcer's moments time to shine,
but he is not shining as Yes, Orser, you you find uh,
you find some undigested corn. All right, I'll look around through the main
body of shit. I'm not going to add that to my inventory. Oh
no, our rolls of fourteen. Looking right through the pile of reaching.
Reaching your hand in and you know, grasping about blindly, you do close
upon you know, a stick like object. Urge. I hope this guy
didn't eat a stick. I pull out said stick like object and hold it
up to Paddock or whatever his name is. All right, is this what
you're looking for? Oh? Yes, it appears to be a It appears
to be a wand of sorts with a a bulb on the end. He
said, yes, yes, that's it. Use it and turn me back
now. Not for nothing. But we're under water. I'm just moving averrange.
I'm not standing behind the fish. Yes, if we turn you back
into a not fish underwater, you're gonna be dead. I'm a sea wizard.
This is my home. I lived down here. I'm a monk of
the sun. Soul and I don't live on the fucking sun. Well,
that sounds more like your problem. Oh well, if you think that's my
problem, fuck you, and I'll take the wand and start walking off to
look in the buildings and village this motherfucker. No, no, I was
just kidding. No, no, no, you have to change me back.
I ain't gotta do shit. Yeah, he keeps saying, have to.
It seems more like a negotiation. You if you would like me to
change you back, you have to pay us. Well, of course that
a reward was promised, specifics waiting. Well, well let's let's let's go
into my into my abode and uh and and I'm sure there are plenty of
treasures left. I'm not liking a sound of this. But okay, you
don't have any money, do your asshole. I don't see why we can't
reach a verbal agreement out here where there aren't any traps. I'll have I'll
have you know that I am a very wealthy sea wizard. But you look
like a fish. Well I look like a fish now because my apprentice fucking
betrayed me. Ye, don't we have to complete this job? So do
you all? Don't die? Yes, we do. You're ruining our hand
here. I genuinely thought you guys might have forgotten that. Oh no,
no, I remember. Metallica's am also does not have a lot of faith
in the fleshy brain. I just care more about getting paid than I do
about the survival of well, everybody but me. I can attest to that.
I don't remember going underwater. I'm going inside. Is there Do I
see anything that looks like an entrance? Well? Yeah, he's on the
stairs. He's like, he's like, no, come come my friends.
All right, let's go. All right, Cal, we'll follow, Yeah,
rolling along. I'm gonna go ahead and assume enough time has passed that
my sword is gone and my bless has ended. Yes, okay, if
if one of you would be so good. I seem to be missing opposable
thumbs. Uh, I'm sure the door is not locked. How about the
trapped Well, it wasn't trapped when I lived here. You do not inspire
much confidence. Anyone want to look for traps? Hey, Cal, is
the door trapped? I'm not much good at figuring that out. Sure you
are opened the door, If there's no traps, you'll be fine. Perhaps
some one of the dexterious persuasion could take are Our option for that is stan,
I think we're much safer just letting Cal open the door. Well everybody
else, Yes, give it a low amount of healing magic. I'm gonna
advocate start. Okay, what do I do? I mean one of you
could turn me back and then I could open it myself. Oh why don't
we just turn him back? Because we haven't been paid yet, and I
don't trust his bitch. Does he pay us? I thought the guy who
hired us paid us more composed the middle I am the guy who hired you.
I kind of sworm. We had a middleman. Sorry, it's been
a few months. No pink slip. Yeah, pink slip basically forced like,
forced you into it and said there would be a reward. Gotcha.
Okay, so check him with traps? Is that a investigation? I assume
believe. So, all right, let's rock it. Twenty four step back,
fellas, I know a thing or two about traps and such. Well,
standing back where you are, you do not see any traps. We're
not in fucking initiative. I moved to the door. I'm not wasting that
twenty four Yeah, because from where he is. He can only investigate the
fishes buttle Weirdly, you do find trap there, No, you do not
find any traps. And the door does not appear to be locked. Oh
that was an easy one in that case. Opened the door, now,
all right, that will open. The door. Door is open. The
fish starts swimming in. What the hell did he do to my beautiful home?
A bastard? Right, this decorating is rather gush. I don't know,
man, what did it used to look like? You're not sure what
it what it used to look like, but now it kind of just looked
like it looks like a mess. Like it look it looks like it looks
like, you know, an underwater bachelor pad. He appeared on my fucking
rug. Just a scumbag. Huh Is that an underwater dump corner? Come
on, come on, there's there's more. I'm sure. I'm sure there's
something here. I can uh, there's sure, I'm sure there's something left.
I don't like the sound of this. Again, we do not wish
for the dump pile. Yeah, we're not taking payment and empty cans of
PBR. I assure I assure you. I had many hiding spots from my
from my from my great invest wealth. Uh huh, full cans of PBR.
I'm sure Fiz didn't didn't find at all all. I guess I'll investigate
his door again. Still, Oh god, there's just empty cases, a
white claw everywhere, only at twelve this time. Oh you're not certain you
don't think there's any traps. Oh I don't have to tell them. I'm
not saying this door definitely not trapped. All right, open, I'll open
it. Let's do the thing, all right, Kyl opens it. It's
until like a living woods appears to be a living room of sorts. There
is a there appears to be another door to the north, and a chamber
to the southwest, which appears to be a sleeping chamber. Heywood swims around
and he's like what He's like, what the dust in too? Here?
Did he throw? Like you know, a NonStop kegger. It's like this,
this is why, this is why unpaid interns suck. Yeah. I
kind of like the guy we killed more than the guy we help. I'm
sure in his place was immaculate when you were living here. He swims into
the bedroom, then he swims out. He's like, Nope, you don't
want to look at the bed Oh nah, I go in and look at
the bed beds a little on the crusty side. Oh great. Is there
anything in the bedroom that looks like a chest or any place that someone someone
would keep valuables? There are there are, There is a dresser in a
chest. Both of them are open, and the contents kind of spread across
the floor. Um, mostly mostly clothes and such. Nothing that appears worth
anything. We find a clothes chest. The only real mystery is what bodily
fluid it'll be full of, damn it. We're just like we're in the
service of cheapskate fish and is my kitchen slash lab is through through this door.
I'm sure he left something of value? Sure, I mean probably not
him. Let's see twenty two investigations in the door. Does it appear to
be anything at the door is fine? Or at the mercy of cheap fishing
his apprentice the douce chad all right, opening a count open the door,
all right, here appears to have been ransacked slightly less um. Some of
the alchemical supplies and such appeared to be appeared to have been left. Um
no potions or anything. But uh, I mean if you were to ransack
the place yourself, you think some of this would catch something on the open
market. So basically, this dude robbed you blind and left the stuff he
didn't recognize as being worth anything. It's like, that's son of a bitch.
Don't tell us what you I had tens of thousands of gold pieces here.
I'm a sea wizard. Uh huh, just sea extremely well, well
under normal circumstances. Stances, No, but you have to think of how
many ships end up sinking you around a town like Brian Moss, and well,
they're not going to take all this stuff that comes out of it.
So it goes to me you're basically you gotta think about what sea wizards think
is valuable. Though it could be like Ariel and she's got like a bunch
of forks and shit, oh fuck, you're a sea wizard. Does that
mean that like you steal boy mermaid's voices? No? Do you know your
friend needed a magic one to turn himself into a giant piece of ship back
and say you're already there? Okay, wait, wait I have there's one
more. There's one more possibility. I had it hidden hidden well, and
handy never showed it to him because it was far too, far, too
valuable for a being like like Fizz, come with me, Come with me.
There's still there's two options, because we're all very hungry and you're still
a fish. I'm mostly amazed that he showed this guy the room full of
gold and thought it would still be there. Well, I didn't show him
the room full of gold, but he's had a bit of time to ransack
the place obviously. Okay, So what I need one of you to do
is I need you to pull the light sconce here and then tap the wall
here twice. Oh fuck, I'm doing this, aren't I I'll go,
I'll go do the sconce and uh if cal you want to do yeah,
sure, I'll do the tapping. Can I do it a general investigation before
we do this? See if I can say any like, uh, Annville's
suspended by roll whatnot? That would be amazing as an underwater trip. Just
box off and Mike falls to the side like, well, I don't know
what I exe whiz it traps work? I rolled at twenty five? All
right? It also, I mean, it's obviously a mechanism, but you
don't see any any foul play attached to it. If it's a trap,
it's not an obvious one. That's so comforting. Yeah, I don't know
how much confidence that inspires. Stan, it's what I got. I'm fair
enough, all right, boys, hit it all right, I'll pull in
two taps in that order. I tap once or twice. Okay, tap
that table, and as you do, a circle of light appears on the
on the floor, you know, letting up with rounds and the and and
such, letting the room brilliantly. And he was like, yes, my
greatest treasure. I do look a sorcery check to see if I know what
that is or can or can't H sure. I would also like to throw
an oar ConA check onto that bad I got sixteen. You are unfamiliar with
it, all right, I kind of rock I got a six. It
is a stupid circle of light, lesser magic. Good to enough our ConA
check. You said, yes, it's untrained, but that's an eight.
No clue light. I can't punch light, so I don't care. I
was working. I was working on on this one when I was when I
was attacked and and turned into this fish. Okay, how do I spend
it? So far, it's fucking floor decoration. What do we got here?
Pal? It is a well as a sea wizard. You can probably
imagine that he looks over you. He's like you can imagine that I don't
have a physique quite like yourself. A few people do. You cannot possibly
imagine how little I have ever considered sea wizards. This circle was designed,
was designed to imbue great power, great great physical strength, and like you
know, and augment the magic of anybody using it? All right? But
does it also convey great responsibility? This is what I would I offer you,
friends, if you turn if you turn me back into into who I
am, I will I will let you use it freely. If we don't
turn you back, you can't stop us. True. But if you don't
turn me back, you also don't know how to activate it. How about
a little demonstration. I'd like to say, a fish with a sakes pack.
We also die if we don't turn him back, don't. I'm not
really sure would him due to me since I'm already affected by transmutation magic?
Um. I mean it's possible it might make me a very buff fish,
but I'm not sure a buff fish would be particularly in depth at swimming fans
get biceps. It'd be really I can get it. How long did the
effects last? They're permanent? Oh? Excellent? All right, this seems
like a reasonable trade. I told you I'm a I'm a sea wizard.
I'm gonna walk over to drucer and hand him the wand here this looks like
a sorcerer thing. Wait about you never used this magic augumentation device to make
you super powerful, clearly because your apprentice fucked you over. Clearly. Maybe
he has apprentice used it. I know it's still here. It hasn't been
pried up and sold, so that tells me he hasn't. He wasn't aware
of it. So you've never tested this, bad boy. It was nearly
nearly finished, and I was betrayed. Well, you'll nearly a human again.
But it doesn't quite cut it, does it. Jesus? All right,
Well, it sounds like it's turn him at the very least. We
gotta turn him back or we're gonna, you know, fucking drown down here.
Yeah, this is also a very reasonable trade. Assuming it works,
We're just gonna beat the shit out of you. So I'll take it in
juiced, especially if it's the good juice. More power is more survival.
I've got the wand now I'll use the wand we have the opportunity to make
a mega juicer. Maybe we should take it right, Maybe we should reconsider
this. All right, Georyster, are you going to use the wand?
Yes? Give me an oar comic check natural one. No, all right,
Joyster is like, I'll take care of this. You point the wand
you point the wand at at Heywood and his well, his fish eyes are
already opened wide, but the opened wider. And he's like, no,
no, you're do whatever wrong. No, No, the wand crack.
If Jorcer turns into a pile of human waste, how will we know it
crackles? A blast of it fires out, hitting Heywood. Um, and
then in the next second it explodes. Well the wand or Heywood? No,
the wand well, so much for turning him back, I guess all
right, So so everybody butt metallica zam. You take nine points of damage
as the wand explodes and as the smoke right when I'm fucking deady sorry,
are you in negatives or what are you? What are you at? Nanga
three? Okay? Oh boy, at least I'd say I was not on
board, would be give the one to Jos a plan. Yeah, I
look at him, is also a spell. Anyone can roll a natural one.
This was always gonna happen, as many of us have proved just tonight.
Yeah, but Metallica, lets me reroll it. As the well the
underwater smoke clears, you see Haywood flopping on the ground. His fins have
been sheered off, he's bloody, he does not look like he's gonna make
it, and he's like, you, you inept fool. How do you
use a circle? But then his eyes turned towards stands and moving for him.
He's like, despite your competence, this the circle can save your friend
all of drag him, drag him into it. Oh, I wish I
was in a possession to object to this. Yes, they come on,
d Drag him into it, drag your friends into it. I will try
if I will activate it. Hey, Heywood, would you like to not
die because I can heal you? Heywood, Heywood looks pretty fucked up.
You can try to heal You can try to heal him. I mean,
I mean, based on D and D rules, I can at least stabilize
him from what I know. Although if he's have I throw a medicine check
to see if it's if it looks outside of I don't know, outside of
standard healing rules. Yeah, if it's like if he's like half polymorphed,
there's pieces of him that are still fish. No, he's not half polymorphed.
It he's just he's just direct fish. I'm giving the circle. Okay,
I'm just gonna do it on here, there we go, sixteen medicine
check. All right, your medicine check tells you that this uh, that
this the wand whatever it did, fucked him up. As far as you
can tell, he's missing half his organs. I regret to inform you that
my healing may not be up to this task. Fucker all right, I'll
drag we can check check stand see if he's like a donor Jesus Christ.
No, as annoying as stand can be, he's less annoying than the fish.
So are we all getting inside this year's circle? I guess I am
just that we're supposed to be doing. Look if it's gonna kill us.
If it's gonna kill us, it's gonna wipe the party. If happen with
my dying words, my friends, your reward, and my thanks for the
job you have done. And he mumbles some some some bit of some bit
of you know, arcane. You know, let's sounds like what sounds like
nonsense. You're welcome. The circle begins to pulse around you. Oh man,
I had a dream like this one. Feel you feel its energies,
you feel its energies begin to suffuse you. It's like a raf We're gonna
are we all gonna turn into turds. It's this the turd the turret arc
shorter, shorter trip for some of us. One turret is creepier than the
others. One turret is metal. And you look and you see, you
see, you know. As he says the final syllables, Haywood appears to
breathe his last and then the world blinks out around you. Oh man,
there's no EDM music. And when you blink again, you realize you were
back in the docks, surrounded by the guards. Oh boss, it was
all a dream. Do we just hit a save point? Am I still
dead? Oh? Yes, You're still lying there, unconscious, And as
you reappear, a pink slip is there and he starts laughing. He's like
he turns to uh, he turns to uh squat, He's like, you
you you you you oh, we three gold. I told you that character
cheap bastard would screw them out of a reward. I'm beating the ship out
of the frog sound cow? Will heal out there in the universe? Col's
gonna drop ten hit points of of his um way on hands in the stand?
Right? Do we win? Did the fish get buff? The circle?
The circle disappears, you're oddly enough, don't feel any buffer. I
mean, honestly, a teleportation circle out of there wasn't the worst thing.
I mean, we're not for they go. I don't really feel bad about
what I did to the fish guy. Ah hey my mechanica, dude,
did I dream that only if we all did? My friend? So?
Maybe? So? Um. I have good news and bad news for you,
my friends. The bad news is, well, you're still under arrest.
But the good news is I did not we didn't lie. There There
is a reward. Does is the good news that I get to punch you
a lot? Oh? Yeah, well I suppose you could. You could?
You could all try? Good? All? Right? Guards? As
the guards are all. They all have weapons drawn. I don't want to
punch all of you. And you know he's a prick and a trader,
so he obviously deserves this. M Let me think, um a trader I
like ela, which of us here? Um sunk one of the high council
members relatives slave ships that you were allowing to pardon the King's wardly enough,
It wasn't me. Boy, you have a lot of words for a trader.
There is good news because you did do us a favor and you took
care of that dopeid wizards. Oh, we took care of him. Rest
he's always bothering us with stupid things, so we're always sending subpart adventurers in
the hopes that they'll fuck it up enough and he won't come back. Oh,
were you using us to murder a dude? Yeah, you're welcome.
What a surprise. The trader is scheming. You could have just paid me
and I would have still murdered the guy. That's not cool. Man.
Let's just say, if if JABRONI had survived, was he counting on me
to roll a natural one? Know? That just seems like it, That
just seems like it was your luck. He's like, but again, I
do have good news. What is that did do the town? You did
do the town a service by by getting rid of that annoying ass was so
as a result, your sentence is no longer instantaneous death. Instead, the
High Council has asked to see you so that they may talk to you,
find out your motivations behind what you did, and thus sentence you accordingly.
He turns to you Alphons, He's like, but by all means, feel
free to, Oh, I don't know, punch one of the High Council
members, because I'm sure your death sentence will be instantaneously reinstate it. Are
you one of the high council members? He narrows his eyes. No,
trainer, why don't council members? It's not like It's not like I don't
run half the town already. I know that tongue looks good for looking boots.
Yeah, you struck me more as a toady. Yeah, squat,
Squat steps forward. Oh you're getting closer to us, bitch, all right,
so I look at squat Hey funny, Yes, a little man.
I really need to punch the frog. Mhmm, would you really need to
do? It? Was surrender peacefully and come with me. Can I do
that after I punched the frog? Mm hm? I dare say punching the
frog would be bad for the frog. The nome in the track suit doesn't
speak for all of it, perhaps for a frog, but also for those
who are refusing to surrender peacefully, not refusing, just delaying. That's gonna
walk forward to say, I absolutely would like to surrender. And if there's
any chance we could have a bath before we meet the council so we're not
covered in ship water, that would be amazing. Yes, it is a
good time to play peaceful. And if any of these honorable guards wishes to
kill the trainer in his sleep, the King will absolutely show mercy upon them
for the actions they took in his employee sleep. Well, surrender all of
your weapons and your bath will be provided, and then we will go see
the council. Thanks. Slip will still be a cunt tomorrow, maybe a
dead one if any of these are loyal to the crown. I mean,
all right, my dude, look at ping slot and be like, look
um, you like played the most sadistic test on us ever with the slaves
thing, and you're cool with people being traded for money. So that makes
you fucking bond scum in that book. Let us let us qoloify here.
I'm really not cool with any of that stuff. This is a test that
comes down from by council, also sanctioned by royalty, a right to those
of you sanction the trader always passes the book. All right, so we
got words the council. Clearly, I have permission from the king to kill
Pingslet see how he to lie Mine's not actually a lot, but whatever things
like, we have an excellent opportunity to need to take this to the manager.
I'll take it to the manager, right, maybe we'll have some fucking
frog legs. I'm sure he tastes like what you humans call shit. I'm
gonna hand my harpoon to a guard. Here's my only weapon. Now,
can I punch the fucking frog? No? Cat will turn over his start
and be like, all right, squat thrust, I better get this back.
Well, he's not taking it. The guards are taking as the as
the guards relieve you of your weapon, of your weapons, they do manacle
you again. Yeah, oh my, and upon I'm ensuring that you are
secured. Um. Several of the guards approached with with buckets of seawater,
which they then douse you with. You understand that fish still ship in that
right, it's not really getting the same. That is not the good wizard
Jews I was promised seconds ago, but we were entirely submerged until like two
moments ago. Would you mind scrubbing? Oh? I am really uncomfortable with
how much he seems to like this. By all means, let's bring Jorca
to the High Council. All right, let's let them know that pink Slip
insisted Jorcerer come and speak before them. Oh, he insists, all of
people, including our our spokesman, Jorcerer appointed by pink Slip to show his
respect for the council. Al looks at Cal. I think I begin to
see why you travel with the robot. Oh, man, he's great.
I like the robot, and I don't like anybody. Yeah, you really
don't. What's that about? Man? People are great? People suck,
They're tall and stupid. After the worst of the muck has been washed off
of you, you are all led through the pre dawned streets as the sun
finally starts to rise um upon a brand new day. As you are led
to the High Council's chambers for a meeting with them. As we marched through
the street, I call out, bring out your dad, bring out your
dead. Slave city, Slave city? Did this? Was this all just
a continuous thing that like we were late at night and we marched until the
morning, or did we like sleep somewhere? No? Well, yeah,
actually you guys did sleep, all right, that's important. A long rest
would do me. Well, well, well you're looking you had a long
rest before the big battle. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, I would
say to pink Slip, it's pretty doing. The council really up and about
yet, could we take a little break, maybe grab some breakfast. Well,
you have to understand, this is a fishing town, so people don't
really necessarily sleep late. I mean, looks more like a slaving town to
me. You are very fond of telling me, more than welcome to tell
the council that. In fact, I wouldn't encourage interest you You don't think
they already know? So you're calling the council stupid? Is what you're doing?
Okay, yes, I heard it. I think stuff really took them
to task on the walk over. Yeah, described in depth how stupid the
High council is talked about how he'd loved to jam that long time up their
orifices. I didn't even know that frogs could do that. Well, as
I said, you are. You are led through the streets. The town
is beginning to wake. A lot of the laborers are already up and about
getting their fish stalls ready and loading loading ships and such, and you are
marched past them. They seem far too busy to notice most of you,
even though some of you are screaming about like slaves down and such. And
you were brought to the High council chambers, and that appears. I think
that is probably a good point to leave off. I want to see if
I could slight a hand a fish on the way. I want to admonish
pink Slip to stop trying to lick people's butt holes loudly. Well, he's
then at the pink slip. I'll see if I can grab a fish twenty
Okay, you managed to steal a fish bank Slip. You should only tongue
that soldiers us with his concept. Yeah, just go back to licking George
serves butt crack, good salter. I apologize that the frog attempted to aintally
penetrate you with his tongue. I am deeply trying to get his own people
to kill him. It apparently has a shit talking mode that he's fully fully
engaged right now. Well, metallic Azam has metallic Zam, and I'll share
a desire for the death of Pink Slip, and metallic Zam sees that nobody's
going to let me beat him to death, so let's try subterfew. All
right. Well, I honestly it might TPK this party, but I think
before we sailed out of here, we're gonna have to kill that frog.
Well, let me let me offer frog. Let me just offer this metallic
Zam before we before we close out for the evening. Give me a diplomacy
check, alrighty, because if there's anything we've learned in six years on this
pod, guest, that's oh fuck it, you can always roll for it.
Uh oh um, persuasion because of diplomacy. I'm sorry, Old Edition.
I do the exact same thing. Nothing diplomatic about what he said twenty
two Oh shit, y you you your your words inspiration h you know,
reach out and uh well, we'll have to see what effect they have next
time on Salty Bastards, Authors and Dragons is brought to under Creative Commons license,
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you mind scrubbing my another's